Espresso - the most embarrassed man IN THE WORLD

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

This week on the most ADHD podcast ever Ben explains why he's the most embarrassed person OF ALL TIME, he realizes that if you don't have social media you 100% have murdered someone and Ben r...eenacts every single tutorial on YouTube. He tells a story about the time during puberty when he thought he had a pencil eraser stuck in his nipple and reveals his biggest fear is not being able to hear someone so many times in a row that they blow his head off. Ben tells why he's unable to ghost people, he discovers that his dream job is landscaping and names chocolate eclair cake the GOD of cookout dessert. Bennie counts down the top5 moments of his life and every single one of them is when Burger King puts an onion ring in his fries and he explains that if you're a hair stylist your hair HAS to be 17 different colors, then Bennie goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝐒𝐔𝐁𝐌𝐈𝐓 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐑 𝐎𝐖𝐍 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐐𝐔𝐄𝐒𝐓𝐈𝐎𝐍 𝐎𝐅 𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐖𝐄𝐄𝐊 dm ben on instagram (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show, visit... Can't talk already. Visit thewaveone.com Damn, bro. This is going to be one of those podcasts where I can't talk. Nah! Alright.
Starting point is 00:00:23 Shot 164 yeah espresso podcast i'm your host benny yeah, yeah Shop 164, yeah We coming in the door, yeah And we don't kick that thing down We open it up like a gentleman Yeah, we polite No, we never get in a fight I never had a black guy.
Starting point is 00:01:10 But I used to get mascara on my face a little bit. When I played football, it was the closest thing. When I put the little strips underneath. Speaking of strips. Yeah, kind of hungry. Freebeats.com Oh, see, dude, I had to go. That just blew it. Freebeats.com Dude, I had to go. That just blew it. Freebeats.com.
Starting point is 00:01:27 Dude, I had to get a new beat supplier because I'm getting hit for copyright since my shit's on YouTube now. Like, every time I start talking about something and I add music to music, like the couple episodes ago, I was talking about the Macarena and that shit was funny.
Starting point is 00:01:43 But, like, I can't do that anymore I guess that's like my whole thing he's a copyright cat so I gotta go with this new like royalty free stuff which is like lame you don't need like when you look up like a youtube song because you really want to hear it, but it's like the real off-brand version of it. And it's like super corny. The royalty-free version of everything sucks. I can't believe it's called royalty. Like be more dramatic. I can't talk. Or when a song like it'll be, it'll say royalty-free, but it's like sped up a little bit that's word of god that's my superpower i can tell when songs are sped up you ever hear a song on the radio and you're like this is a little bit faster than the song i know you have like a sixth sense that's my sixth sense that's my spidey sense that's the only time i can tell when something's off everything else i'm like i don't know there could be like a robber in my house and I'm like, I didn't hear shit. But if fucking
Starting point is 00:02:49 bye-bye-bye-bye-insync is sped up by like 0.5, I'm like, hold on! Fuck you! Hold on! Something is not right here! Cause it ain't no lie if I can bye bye bye wait what's up shot 164 espresso podcast I'm your host Ben Polizzi remember to
Starting point is 00:03:16 follow on Instagram Twitter TikTok cameo all at Benedict Polizzi remember to subscribe to the pod on Apple podcast Spotify and YouTube got last week's episode up with me Derek See Remember to subscribe to the pod On Apple Podcasts Spotify And YouTube Got last week's episode up With me Derek and Liam
Starting point is 00:03:28 It's pretty dope dude I love doing pods At wave one It's fun And like the visual I think the visual adds a lot I think Give me some feedback
Starting point is 00:03:37 Do you like pods When I'm just like When it's just audio Or do you like a Like a YouTube pod every now and then Where there's just like Us on the screen
Starting point is 00:03:44 Like are you into it? Let me know. Feedback, feedback, oh. That song. God damn it, I can't play it. Maybe if I play like five seconds of it. Feedback. Song.
Starting point is 00:04:09 Just a little flavor. Maybe five seconds, it won't flag it come on baby come on so many fucking ads before the song plays just let me hear the goddamn song i gotta pick a random part and just go there we go that's it that's it dude if youtube flags that for copyright i'm done with the whole internet i'm signing off yeah right there's nobody scarier than a person that says they don't have social media these people after the show this past weekend by the way if you came to came out to the shows this weekend at helium thank you so much they were all lit and so fun. But somebody came up after me after the show, and they're like, bro, I got to follow you.
Starting point is 00:04:50 And I was like, what's up, bro? Get your Instagram out. Let's do this. And he's like, oh, I don't have social media, though. I just wanted to see, like, I wanted to follow you on YouTube. And I was like, why don't you just take me out back and blow my head off? Because who doesn't have, My mom has fucking Instagram. Nah, just YouTube.
Starting point is 00:05:09 I think Instagram's toxic, even though that's the only place where anything happens. Right? Dude, if it wasn't for Twitter, Instagram, and TikTok, I wouldn't know how to do anything. How do you guys know anything if you don't have social media? Do you watch the news? Feedback, feedback, oh!
Starting point is 00:05:30 Yeah, so give me some feedback on that. How do you like the pod? Do you like it video style? Do you like it just audio? I think I'm going to do a Patreon once a week. This is my plan for the pod. Audio version coming out on, like, Tuesday Tuesdays and then a Patreon version coming out on like Thursdays or Friday Friday and it's the Patreon version is gonna be just video let me know
Starting point is 00:05:55 what you think about that for real so what's up man I did some man on the street stuff this weekend that should be coming out soon on YouTube trying to to get up on YouTube, dude. That's where the money is. Everybody's like, you should be on YouTube. I like, I just never get on YouTube. Like I don't even have the app. That's why I don't want like messing with YouTube. Cause like the intros to every video I want to see are just so like, I don't even care anymore. You know, You ever look up like a tutorial on YouTube And it's like how to Like I'd look up a tutorial about like how to How to A tutorial
Starting point is 00:06:31 How to make this graphic On Adobe Illustrator That's the type of shit I look up on YouTube And Like for the first 45 seconds Is some guy just fucking talking about it I'm just like can we It's always like
Starting point is 00:06:45 the, it's the guy's voice is always like, I'm going soon today. I'm telling you how to make a transparent image on Photoshop. I'm like holy shit Why is everybody that makes a tutorial And puts it on YouTube Sound like this Thank you for watching Please subscribe to my channel Like uh no thanks
Starting point is 00:07:20 I got what I needed And I'm never fucking coming back Every guy This is Thanks, dude. I got what I needed and I'm never fucking coming back. Every guy. This is iLali899112. And I'd like to show you how to make a transparent image on Photoshop. I'm like, holy fuck, dude. Is this guy getting stabbed while he's recording this and like they speed up the tutorial so like their mouse speed is at like eight million you can't
Starting point is 00:07:52 even see it on the screen i'm like wait what i pause it 17 000 times i'm like what did he click he went to edit and then what like i always i always like can't remember one little thing and i'm like i don't have the updated version of the software like he has in the video. So now I'm not going to be able to do this. YouTube tuts, dude. Suck my tuts. Feedback, feedback. Oh, that's my podcast.
Starting point is 00:08:20 Just getting one song stuck in my head and repeating it the whole goddamn time. This is the most ADD podcast of all time I don't even have a question This week Why? Because I honestly I couldn't think of one There's no good reason
Starting point is 00:08:37 I just did I was like I had one in mind But I was like I don't really like it You know I was just like I'm not feeling this one
Starting point is 00:08:43 This is what my question was gonna be this week most embarrassing thing you should have known my whole life has been embarrassing as hell for real like I feel like I'm the most embarrassed person ever dude
Starting point is 00:09:03 remember getting so embarrassed when you were growing up and it felt like a heat wave just fucking hit your body and you're like, I am so embarrassed all the time. I've never not been embarrassed. I'm trying to think of the most recent time I got embarrassed. Probably something with working at a restaurant. Because everybody at a restaurant acts like you should know what's happening there when you have no clue.
Starting point is 00:09:31 You know, like when you get a new job and everybody there, it's your first day and everybody thinks you already should know what you're doing. You're like, bro, that's the thing about getting a new job you never think about. Like people are always like, I got this new job. Congratulations on the new gig But like for the first year Your life's gonna be the most embarrassing Life of all time cause you don't know how to do shit
Starting point is 00:09:51 At your new job there's never been a job Where I'm like alright let's get into it I'm learning everything for one year And then at the end of the year I'm like I guess I can still do this Congrats you got a new job What they're really saying is They're just like Good luck on trying to learn all that shit
Starting point is 00:10:10 You have no idea how to do Alright let's go viral Viral Viral I like Toot toot toot toot toot tootles Hashtag Useful things
Starting point is 00:10:27 I learned in school Damn Useful things I learned In school The only thing you really learn in school is like how to deal with people. That's it. That's like going back to being embarrassed, man. The only thing I ever learned in school was like how to get over being embarrassed.
Starting point is 00:10:54 Oh, shit, bro. The amount of times my face got so red in school and I thought I was going to die. Oh, my God, you're blushing. That makes it so much worse. Isn't it funny? Girls like use blush on their face to make their cheeks look red. I'm like, I already got that shit down, girl.
Starting point is 00:11:15 That's natural. All I gotta do is walk out of my house and I'll blush. Talking to a girl, face gets red. Fuck, they know I wanna kiss them. Hashtag useful things I learned in school. How dumb you really are. Dude, I've said this before, but like you ever, when I was in school, like the first, like in first grade, I probably did everything wrong.
Starting point is 00:11:42 The whole time in my head, I was like, did you guys already take first grade and now you're doing it again? How do you guys know how to do everything? I didn't get hot lunch for my whole life because I was like, I don't know how to like sign up for that shit. And I like, it's too far gone to ask. You know what I mean? I swear to God, if I went up to my teacher and I was like, hey, I want to get a hot lunch, but I don't know how. Like, the whole class would be like, it doesn't know. It doesn't know.
Starting point is 00:12:15 How the fuck am I supposed to know? Sorry, I didn't study fucking hot lunch like you guys. Useful things I learned in school how fucking like uh overly how quickly i hit puberty before everybody else i was like oh dude some kid told me i had like a like a like mustache hair i was like sitting by the window and this kid sitting next to me was like super nerdy but like i fucked with him because he was like just like 25 of the shit he said was like sitting by the window and this kid sitting next to me was like super nerdy. But like I fucked with him because he was like just like 25% of the shit he said was like, damn, you know what I mean? But like the other 75% I was like, dude, you're a bitch.
Starting point is 00:12:54 But I sat by him and I was like, this won't be bad. He's cool. And the light was like hitting my face kind of weird. And he goes, you ever think about shaving? And at that moment moment my heart was like i think my heart exploded and i was like what now and he goes yeah you got like one of those little and he goes flavor savers those things under your under your bottom lip only that some guys have dude that's
Starting point is 00:13:28 gonna be the ugliest facial facial hair already is so gross unless it's just like a beard you know a beard is like all right it's just already on your face a goatee that's something you gotta like shape up to be like, this will get them. But like, you know what I'm talking about? The little like patch of hair under your lip. Like guys actually have that. And they're,
Starting point is 00:13:52 they just keep it there and they're like, she'll love it. That's what I like had first on my face. That's what the kid sitting next to me was referring to. He was like, Hey, it looks like you got a flavor saver. So my face was completely bare. And then just that under my like
Starting point is 00:14:05 lip went home shaved it immediately and meet the first day I shaved I'll never forget the first day I shaved my face it felt so fucking weird I could not stop licking my lips it was before basketball practice and I fucking shaved my face clean. I would not stop doing this. Like licking like my top lip under my nose. Dude, it felt so smooth. I was like, fuck yes. No one will ever know I'm actually 40.
Starting point is 00:14:37 I swear to God, dude. I was the most mature son of a bitch ever in fifth grade. Puberty is the weirdest thing, dude. For like two and a half years, I had that like weird bump in my nipple. I was like, do I have cancer or am I just like growing up? That fucking, it felt like a, like a pencil eraser was in my nipple. I was like, um, I'd rather just die than tell someone I have this.
Starting point is 00:15:09 Like, hey mom, I got like a weird bump in my nipple. I'd rather actually just pass away. It's too weird to talk about. I was like, I don't know, dude. What is this? Anyway. Hashtag
Starting point is 00:15:24 the great thing about sitcoms Dude Sitcoms are like so comforting Isn't it weird that sitcoms Like set everyone's sense of humor Like if you like I like friends growing up Like you're probably not
Starting point is 00:15:44 You probably think like basic Just threw probably not you probably think like basic just threw up but you probably think like basic ass shit is funny like I've never like died laughing at a sitcom unless it was the Simpsons I don't know like all new third rock
Starting point is 00:16:01 from the sun I'm like who the fuck is actually watching that and it's because of the laugh track Third Rock from the Sun. I'm like, who the fuck is actually watching that? And it's because of the laugh track. Like, can you believe that's even a real thing, that they have laugh tracks? What if I had a laugh track on this podcast? Laugh tracks are so tight. Like, what if I was like... And then I I was like why don't you take it
Starting point is 00:16:26 even if you if there wasn't a laugh track on any of the shows everybody would be like I'm not watching this shit who made that up hashtag things every adult should know hashtag things every adult should know hashtag things every adult should know some people are just i to me like adults are all just super fucked up all of them but like
Starting point is 00:16:59 i think a standard thing that they should teach in school or something that just everybody should know is just like people being too loud or too quiet. I don't know what it is, but that shit pisses me off so much. When someone's talking so quiet, I'm like, I've got a fear. This is my biggest fear that like that I say what so many times that somebody pulls out a gun and kills me. that I say what so many times that somebody pulls out a gun and kills me. Like if I said what five, what's the most what's you've ever said? That's the question of the week.
Starting point is 00:17:32 What was your highest what count? I promise one time I went to five and I think I just had him write it down. Hey, do you think I'm a... What? What'd you say? Oh my god, I seriously did not hear you. What'd you say?
Starting point is 00:17:54 I'm really sorry. Can you write it down? Didn't they write it down? Hand it to you? It's just a bunch of scribbles? Dude, I don't know what this says and then you look up and all you see is a barrel of a gun worse fear
Starting point is 00:18:14 but then again though when people are too loud I'm like will you shut the fuck up what's worse when somebody's too loud or too quiet I don't know when people loud or too quiet? I don't know when people are too loud. Like when, when, I don't know, man, like I can't even be on the phone in front of around other people. I don't know what like plagued me. If I'm talking about something that doesn't pertain to anyone, I'm gone, bro. I'm out the door on outside walking around like,
Starting point is 00:18:42 like a maniac. Like I just lost both my contacts. Outside in the front yard. I will walk anywhere on the phone. I'll walk across a fucking pond on the phone. Hashtag. Reasons to ghost someone. I think I'm too much of a bitch to ghost somebody. I could never do that.
Starting point is 00:19:09 How does anyone ghost someone? Yeah, I talked to this guy for like two weeks and I was like done with him. So I just never, I blocked him on everything, never talked to him again. Like what if you see him in real life? What? I never understood that. Yeah, bro. What? I never understood that Yeah bro I mean this girl We just like got it on Then I fucking ghosted her bro
Starting point is 00:19:30 But she lives in the same city as you So what are you gonna do When you are behind her In the self checkout at Target Hey Stupid dude stupid dude i i don't know how to ghost people i don't know i just don't i just don't ghost people that's probably my problem dude the biggest lie ever is the yeah we broke up but uh it was a clean breakup. It was mutual.
Starting point is 00:20:06 How? No way. No one's upset? If nobody's upset that you mutually broke up, then you just shouldn't have been together. I've never ever ended a relationship and both people are like, All right, see you later. Handshake. Hey, one more thing.
Starting point is 00:20:25 Yeah? That was fun. I think so too. See you sometime soon. Like, is that how a mutual relationship ends? What the hell? It's always like, Ah! Fuck you!
Starting point is 00:20:40 You piece of shit! You fucking! Ah! Sorry, you live in texas like i just didn't want to do a long-term let me on jesus christ a mutual breakup What a fucking myth Hashtag If I were a wild animal Hashtag if I were a wild animal
Starting point is 00:21:12 If I were a wild animal God it really does always look like Wouldn't it suck to like be a gazelle You think about that Like if you believe in reincarnation Somebody's like oh yeah I believe in reincarnation And then like You reincarnate as a gazelle
Starting point is 00:21:34 You're like fuck Wow like gazelles are constantly Like running for their lives What a Wow Just every second, you gotta make sure a fucking leopard isn't gonna clench its jaws
Starting point is 00:21:51 right on your neck. Poor guys, man. Damn. If I could be an animal for a day, I think I'd honestly wanna be a dog. be an animal for a day. I think I'd honestly want to be a dog. The amount
Starting point is 00:22:08 of times I almost cried and begged God to turn me into a dog so I didn't have to go to school. I would look directly into a dog's eyes and be like, I wish you knew how lucky you were that all you have to do today is lay in this
Starting point is 00:22:28 sunspot and go to the door 20 times. Like that's what I wanted my life to be. I'll never forget, man. I went to, I stayed at my cousin's house when we went to this like camp and I didn't want to go so bad one day. I have no idea why I was just like dreading it probably because we were like fishing at this camp and I was like, fuck fishing. Don't know how to do it. I was just like, I don't want to go today. And I just looked into my cousin's dog's eyes and I was like, I would do anything to trade you lives. I would do anything to trade you lives. And that dog was looking at me like,
Starting point is 00:23:11 when the fuck are you going to give me some food? That's it. That's the thing I hate about dogs. Dogs, like, literally, the only reason they are even entertaining your bullshit is just because they think you're going to give them, like, a fucking piece of bread. Oh, shit. Dogs are so hungry man I've never seen a full dog a dog eat like an entire fucking like buffet of food and like you could be like here You want this steak and it'd be like Yeah, being a dog would be lit Being a dog would be lit. That's like a future lyric being a dog would be lit Being a dog would be lit
Starting point is 00:23:45 That's like a future lyric Being a dog would be lit Being a dog would be lit Being a cockerspin would be lit Being a dummysin would be lit If I'm a girl dog you suck on my tit Being a dog would be lit Hendrix Hashtag
Starting point is 00:24:09 The worst summer jobs I don't know why I never landed this job But man god damn I might even do it today I swear to god When people would say that they landscaped all summer I was like you are one lucky piece of shit, man. Having that job in the summer,
Starting point is 00:24:29 I literally might even think about doing it now. Just rolling around on a Dixie chopper, cutting rich people's grass with your shirt off, getting the nastiest tan and kind of lighter hair. And then you're done by like five. What the hell? You make so much money, dude. Everybody I knew that landscape was like, yeah, made $45,000 in July. I was like, dude, what? You're 17. And they look hot as fuck. I was like, Jesus Christ, man.
Starting point is 00:25:06 Here I am working the front desk at my mom's fucking tennis camp. Oh, shit. Don't know what's going on. People are coming in like, hey, I signed up for lessons with Jenny. I'd be like, okay, let me get my mom and figure out what I'm supposed to say to you. Two neighborhoods down.
Starting point is 00:25:28 Zero turn Dixie chopper. Circle in a bush in.5 seconds. Weed whacking. How satisfying did that look? Jesus Christ. How come landscapers, weed whackers, is that what they're called? Fuck. Is that some word my mom made up? What's another word for weed whacker, dude? We had so much goddamn trouble.
Starting point is 00:26:02 Trimmer. They're called trimmers. Weed trimmers. Dude, I don't know why, but we always called them fucking weed whackers.ers it sounds super old but anytime my mom bought a weed whacker it just wouldn't work like the the string would come out like it's just all fucked up every time like we could never figure it out but like then you hire landscapers and they've got like underground weed whackers that like nobody's ever seen before they're like black market and they can like hook your shit up like it's a haircut they're like around a like you got a you got a sewer in your front yard that thing is disgusting but it's never looked better it's got like a fade to it they like fade in your like side burns of your lawn that shit is impressive people that Landscape. And the equipment always looks so good. The truck they drive in has a big sticker wrap on it. And you're like, awesome.
Starting point is 00:26:53 Alright, let's do days. Tuesday. National Chocolate Eclair Day. What a dramatic ass name for that dessert. What is Chocolate Eclair Day. What a dramatic ass name for that dessert. What is Chocolate Eclair, though? It's so underrated. It's the king of desserts. It's the king of, like, the cookout desserts.
Starting point is 00:27:13 You know what I mean? It definitely is. Yep. Chocolate Eclair Cake at a cookout? That's, like, the bad bitch at the cookout. You're like, fuck, there's Eclair Cake? Like, every other dessert's like, aw bad bitch at the cookout. You're like, oh There's eclair cake like every other dessert. It's like oh he Claire's here Dude Eclair cake with the graham cracker. I don't know why that was so popular like growing up
Starting point is 00:27:38 But I swear to God if there was a eclair cake with graham cracker at the cookout it was gone in five seconds I don't even know what other dessert was there at a cookout It's usually just like a bunch of fruit and you put whipped cream on the top of it What's cookout dessert Cookout dessert, it's always underwhelming Yeah, it's like fruit oh shit okay yeah the fruit pies or whatever
Starting point is 00:28:09 what are they called fuck I can't think of the name it's always the brownies with the with the no icing too that's like a big cookout thing and I'm like why don't you just is it because it's summer that you're not putting icing on these I like want to take it up with the house the head of the house that you're at putting icing on these? I want to take it up with the house.
Starting point is 00:28:25 The head of the house that you're at the cookout with. I'm going to be like, hey, just curious. Why didn't you put icing on these brownies? And do you have icing in your house that I could kind of... Just on my piece. Just on my piece. Cookie cakes, whatever. Chocolate eclair cake is definitely like number one
Starting point is 00:28:47 Number one bad bitch National onion rings day I don't know why but onion rings just always felt like they were like the That I was like a bad boy if I got onion rings You know what I mean? How come onion rings are like such like a Oh shit, he got onion rings? Like it's such like a bad boy if I got onion rings you know what I mean how come onion rings are like such like oh shit he got onion rings like it's such like a wild thing to do for some reason it's just like hey he got onion rings holy fuck dude like I've never wanted like every under wings under
Starting point is 00:29:17 wings onion underwear onion rings are so overwhelming they're so powerful you know you have one onion ring and you're like, Oh! Jesus Christ! I gotta fucking... Hey, give me a time out here. I gotta... You're falling down and shit. Onion rings are overwhelming, dude.
Starting point is 00:29:37 One onion ring? I'll sleep for two days straight. Imagine eating a whole box of onion rings. And, like, you never know what onion ring you're gonna get they could be like the ones that they have at the circus that are like fucking hula hoops and they're like weird or they could be like the cute ass ones that like burger king has when they accidentally slip it into your fries you're like oh top top five moments in my life all five when i order fries and burger king there's an onion ring
Starting point is 00:30:07 in there i'm like but it was so like oh your breath after an onion ring like see ya you need to power wash your fucking tongue after you eat one of those like my parents wouldn't let me get onion rings for sure they just wouldn't let me i'd be like if we got like they barely let me get fucking mcdonald's as it is if i was like if i was if i had the balls to sit in the back seat and be like hey and uh and some onion rings my mom would be in the front seat and turn around like this. Oh, shit. Wednesday. National Detroit-style pizza day.
Starting point is 00:30:58 What? I didn't know Detroit had a pizza. I thought it was just like New York and Chicago deep dish. Gross, bro. Actually, both of those are disgusting. I thought it was just like New York and Chicago deep dish. Gross, bro. Actually, both of those are disgusting. That's how weird everything was. Like New York style pizza. It's like so fucking big.
Starting point is 00:31:16 It's like bigger than your torso. I'm like, who? I don't want to eat anything that big. It's all about eating mini shit. But yeah, New York style pizza. Like the pizza you get at the mall. They're like, it's New York. Like that's so gross. It's all about eating mini shit But yeah New York style pizza Like the pizza you get at the mall They're like it's New York Like that's so gross It's so big
Starting point is 00:31:29 Like mini pizzas are the shit dude Those personal pan pizzas at pizza How lit were those Those little cute ass triangles Compared to a big ass kite At the mall That pizza looks like a kite If you put string on that pizza, it'd fly away.
Starting point is 00:31:55 Thursday. National Bomb Pop Day. What the hell? What the hell? What the fuck's a bomb pop? Oh, those stupid ass firecracker popsicles. We never had bomb pops.
Starting point is 00:32:21 They're too like outplayed, you know what I mean? Like every kid in the neighborhood had a fucking bomb pop. I was like, cool,, dude Your parents are rich Dude, I swear to god one time we had Like a fruity drink in our fridge and we just we wanted popsicles so bad, but our mom wouldn't let us So we just poured the fruity drink in our ice cube trays and put toothpicks in it and made popsicles out of that and we were just licking ice cubes like like a fucking cat dude that's how bad i wanted a bomb pop
Starting point is 00:32:56 i was so jealous of kids that had bomb pops man just at their in their dude kit when you went to your friend's house and they just had hella fucking yellow boxes in the freezer i was like fuck you man you have no idea bro what i would do to have this fridge for a day i would eat all of them that's probably that's why i couldn't have shit growing up i eat all in one day i end up licking ice cubes around fucking 8 p.m if you didn't make toothpick ice cube popsicles growing up like i don't know you you haven't been through shit like i i love how like that's my like hardships you know some people are like we didn't even have electricity i was like we had to make popsicles out of fucking high c in our ice trays with toothpicks and you think you have it you had it hard
Starting point is 00:33:42 some people are like i couldn't even go outside it is so people are like, I couldn't even go outside today because it was so dangerous. I'm like, I couldn't even go outside without a fucking popsicle. Oh, shit. Friday. National Catfish Day. Catfish freak me out. Catfish kind of gross me out too. They're so big and I'm like, are they going to sting me?
Starting point is 00:34:12 And they have, ew, dude, catfish are so, they have whiskers and shit. Catfish. Ew, dude Ew They look like they could just swallow your fucking foot whole And their eyes are like Every time I see a catfish I'm like Oh They're like fast as hell
Starting point is 00:34:37 Their mouth, dude Catfish mouth are just your girlfriend's mouth When she's putting on mascara Same shit mouth dude catfish mouth are just your girlfriend's mouth when she's putting on mascara same shit i wanted to catch a catfish so fucking bad one time we stayed at my grandma's like condo in florida and she had a pond behind her house and i had nothing to do all day but try to like so i just fed like birds and shit that was my vacation as a kid i had nothing to do all day but my mom was like get outside and i was like so i just like fed all the old food at my grandma's house to like
Starting point is 00:35:11 the animals in the backyard that's all i did and it was lit i was like yes that's what being a fucking kid is i was like yeah i cannot wait to try to catch a catfish. They were so fast. No chance. And there's this pecan pie, bro. I always remember this. I was like, Grandma, are you eating this pecan pie? And she's like, no.
Starting point is 00:35:40 So I fucking broke the pecan pie in half and threw it in the pond. And this catfish just fucking took it down. One gulp. I was like, that catfish just ate half of a pecan pie like can you imagine how fucking lucky you ever feed like a bird or something it's like something actually you'd eat like you ever see a bird hopping around the ground with a fry in its mouth you like you son of a bitch like what are you gonna do next dip that in ketchup and get a milkshake you piece of shit i was like you know how lucky you are bro that catfish with half of pecan pie in its stomach just floating around like yeah i just ate its friends are like what'd you have he's like nah
Starting point is 00:36:13 just some shit up on the top of the fucking water seven dollar pecan pie from meyer meyers i'm like i deserve a thank you note Mr. fucking catfish It's a major life man You're about to die in like two days From like pollution Take your dogs to work day Imagine anyone getting anything done on that day I wouldn't go to work that day
Starting point is 00:36:37 If I worked in an office and it was take your dog to work day I wouldn't come in Everybody just What's his name It's the cutest big boy It's the cutest big boy I wouldn't come in. Everybody just What's his name? It's the cutest big boy. It's the cutest big boy. Oh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my see him can i see him there's no way that's an actual thing take your dog to work day dude just shitting all over the office no he had a big little accident it's okay your dog could
Starting point is 00:37:15 rob somebody and like steal their car and the owner of the money in car that your dog took away would be like, it's okay, he's still a good boy, he just didn't know no better. Come here. Dogs can get away with anything, dude. Especially if they're little and fluffy. Saturday. National barcode day. The day I figured out at the self-checkout that you can remove the gun thing
Starting point is 00:37:47 and just fucking beep beep beep all your barcodes changed my life forever dude i like one time i bought some big ass like tv stand and i was almost gonna fucking pick it up and put it on top of the thing you know what i mean like scanner thing that has like two like i almost flipped it out of my car and the employee person that's always there was like hi hi hi use the gun and i was like oh we can touch that the gun then i flipped around and turned it to the inside of my mouth and hit the trigger and my whole mouth lit up red. And she was like, sir, just have a good day. Okay, just get the fuck out of here.
Starting point is 00:38:31 And I was like. National beautician, National Beautician's Day. How come every hairstylist I've ever seen in my life can't just have like normal good hair they always have like the craziest like paintbrush red blonde streaks i'm like okay just because you're a hairstylist doesn't mean you have to have like tie-dye hair hairstylist doesn't mean you have to have like tie-dye hair jeez like you can just have normal hair with like one little highlight in it every hairstylist is like look at my hair i'm scared to play music now on this podcast i really am because i don't want to get flagged for copyright that's why all my shit. And I don't know.
Starting point is 00:39:25 What am I going to do? Look up royalty-free hairdresser song? I'm going to do it and just see what comes up. Royalty-free hairdresser song. Music for hair salon. music for hair salon every hairstylist walking around in target ask me what i do for a living so the like reddest orangest blonde highlight paintbrush hair of all time ask me ask me ask me what i do for a living living living oh you guessed hairstylist how would you have ever known that? Is it because
Starting point is 00:40:30 my hair's five different colors? Oh. Hmm. That's funny. Because it was five different colors last week. Week. Week.
Starting point is 00:40:43 Week. On my hairstyles seriously though every hairstylist couldn't tell sunday Sunday National Onion Day Onions are something I did not like until like two years ago Onions such a grown up food If a kid orders Something with onions on it I'm like
Starting point is 00:41:17 You know how to drive already too Ew bro I served this table at the restaurant One time and this kid was like I'll take the fried chicken sandwich with everything on it and it was like peppers spicy mayo coleslaw pickles
Starting point is 00:41:33 I was like alright dude and he ate the whole thing didn't even complain I was like you need to start your 401k or something dude I don't know what to tell you that's insane even me now, dude. I don't know what to tell you. That's insane. Even me now, I'm like, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:41:49 I might do something on the side because I don't know if I'm with all that. Let's get a six. Just scarfed it down. You got a Coors Light I can wash this down with, buddy? Can you check my ID? Little guy. National ice cream cake day. I can never stop eating ice cream cake. After I have one piece, I'm like, yeah, right. Like I'm done. Imagine being done, being done with eating dessert. I always like, I'll eat dessert. Then I'll be like, you know what? I better go back and like even it out and clean up the part that I like. I'll just, I'll even
Starting point is 00:42:29 shit out on a cake until like my fucking hand falls off. And I'm like, Oh wow. I evened out the cake and now the whole thing's ready to make another cake in. I'll even out this shit You need somebody to even out a cake Call me I'll even out your cake so hard dude Like so it's a perfect square Then you mess it up on purpose And make the line like slanted And you're like oh I gotta even that out Real ones no
Starting point is 00:43:00 Alright Shout 164 that was good dude thanks for listening guys for real I appreciate all the feedback people are messaging me like saying that they enjoy the pod and stuff like I really appreciate that
Starting point is 00:43:19 and it sounds like I appreciate that because I didn't even say the word right but no I really thank you guys. Like, it means a lot when people send that. I'm like, hell yeah. Let me know if you guys have a question of the week or something that we want to put out there. I appreciate you guys DMing me, following, sharing my stuff. It's honestly dope.
Starting point is 00:43:40 And I'm going to keep doing it. But all right. Remember, subscribe, rate, review the pod. And I'll talk to you guys next week. I'm going to keep doing it. But alright, remember, subscribe, rate, review the pod. And I'll talk to you guys next week. IFM.

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