Espresso - the REAL reason you wanted to break up?

Episode Date: May 2, 2024

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Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. It's anonymous, I shouldn't be doing this. We are, we are, we are the youth of the motherfucking nation. Oh, this is on? What's up, fam? Espresso podcast shot 313. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who's wearing a hat because it's tight on his head and he feels smart. Hey, can we talk?

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your glonky merch. Yes, I know that the glonky guy tried to stab his mom in the head. I'm the first to know all glonky news. Yeah, but not very glonky of him, but the merch still lives on. He lives. He's a legend. He lives on forever. Maybe I'll just slash the prices in half. This guy. No, but get all your stuff. Glonky hats, Benedict Tease. Who's buying this hoodies? Ta-ha. Merch. It's all on the site. Benedictmerch.com. Coming out with new stuff too. And it is on the way, just saying, but let's get to it. Espresso, And it is on the way, just saying. But let's get to it. Espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Why do you want to break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend?

Why do you want to divorce your husband or wife? Just say it. It's anonymous. Everything we do on this pod is anonymous. Secret's safe with me. Plus, when I'm playing your voice messages, I have no idea who they're coming from because it's anonymous. Everything. Who knows? Yeah. Why do you want to break up or why did you break up? Why'd you break up? The real reason I'm not talking about. I don't know. I just want to

focus on like myself. It's not that. What's the real reason because you know there's the there's the real reason and then like what your pr team in your head tells everybody what's the real reason for me um usually the real reason for me why i break up with a girl is because i just don't feel like doing it anymore like they're always good people and like you know we had fun but sometimes i'm just like you know i'm good like i just you know i don't really I just don't feel like doing it anymore. Like, they're always good people. And like, you know, we had fun, but sometimes I'm just like, you know, I'm good. Like I just, you know, I don't really want, I don't ever really have a real reason except for one time, this girl could not pronounce anything correctly. I was like, I literally can't even be seen with you anymore. Holy shit. Or I feel like probably I'm losing myself a little bit, you know, I feel like probably I'm losing myself a little bit, you know, just like not a good, you know,

just, but that never works. Can we normalize just like breaking up with people? How come you can't just say that? And they can't, no one's ever okay with your reason. I'm like, I don't know. I just feel like I'm kind of a bitch now. They should be like, okay, I totally get that. I'd be fine. I'd be, if a girl came up to me and she's like, I want to break up. And I'm like, why? She's like, I just think I'm being kind of a bitch. I'd be like, yeah. Holy fuck me too. Can we just break up over like just stupid shit? Cause that's usually my reason. I'm like, I think my, my, uh, my hips got bigger since I've been with you. Like, that's a perfectly good reason to break up, I think. My hips got bigger? I'd be like, get the fuck out of here.

But let's hear yours. Why'd you break up or why do you want to break up? Here we go. Is snoring an okay reason for murder? I mean, divorce? Oh my God. Murder, yes. Can we normalize that too?

I hate the word normalize, but you know what I'm saying. You gotta, you really gotta, that's why people sleep in separate rooms. I think if your parents are still sleeping in the same room, they're insane. They're insane. If anybody's still sleeping in the same room after like two years of marriage, you're insane they're insane if anybody's still sleeping in the same room after like two years of marriage you're insane my ideal marriage don't even live in the same state

what a freeing thing bro imagine if you were married for like 10 years and all of a sudden your wife was like sleep downstairs you'd be like fuck yeah dude i'm watching espn and snoring all night bitch oh what a moment um yeah i get that i don't know every time i go to sleep i'm like dead for eight hours so i have no idea i've never slept no oh you know what I did sleep next to a girl one time that was, and I'm like, damn, I was kind of like, it wasn't the snoring that pissed me off. I'm just like, you were that tired

like around me. You know, I like felt like I was like, I was a little offended. I was like, holy shit. I was that boring that you fell asleep like that hard that she was snoring, bro. And I was like the self-awareness. I've never heard a girl snore before, bro. She was like on dad level. I was like, Jesus Christ. I'm that boring. Cause you know, when you're sleeping, this was like a one time thing. You know, you sleep with the person next to a person like you're kind of like in and out of sleep all night. Like, are they going to kill me? Like, are they like what's going on here?

She was just. Holy shit. But I know I snore. holy shit um but i know i snore and i uh i don't the only way i can sleep is on my back on my back it feels so good if you're one of those people that's like you sleep on your how do you not sleep on your back that shit is gas right on my back bro four seconds of me laying down it's the best oh those four when you're like oh you're like you're like really dozing you ever so goddamn tired you drop your phone on your face that's i know that's like a thing oh my god drop your phone on my i dropped my phone on my face but like i one time i did it and i think i chipped my tooth. I'm like, fuck, I'm so stupid.

But, uh, sometimes I'll be like in and out, like really dozing off and I'll hear myself snoring and I'll be like, that's me. How dumb do I sound fighting for air while I'm sleeping? I would cut my head off if I slept next to me. I'd look at me with my mouth open, trying to fucking breathe like a fat ass. Because I know I don't snore like conventionally. I know I snore like an alien. The person next to me is probably like the what species are you yeah make his ass sleep in the the living room if you're sick of your husband snoring make him sleep somewhere else in the house because he'd love to and then you'll sleep better or get him one of those stupid ass mouth guards he'd probably like that too

pretend he's like marshall falk while he's sleeping i'd like it i'd be like put a nasal strip eye black a helmet and shoulder pads on me too hot hot hey there this is melissa trotline i was the one that left the comment about the monogamously challenged my ex left me dude dude dude it's anonymous but go sis 12 years ago and um i was we were calling it monogamously challenged in certain companies you can call it monogamously retarded but the other joke is just to say yeah i didn't like his girlfriend but you should totes come to utah just saying. Because, yeah, you're not ugly. Party on. Utah. My sister lives in Utah.

Maybe I will. Maybe I will. So, hold on. My ex left me 12 years ago. Did she fart? Do we have a fart alert? Did you hear that? 12 years ago. Did she fart? Do we have a fart alert? Did you hear that?

12 years ago. I am 100% convinced that that's a fart. Let's just run it from the top. So I know I'm not. Hold on. Here we go. Hey there. This is Melissa Troutwine.

I was the one that left the comment about the monogamously challenged. My ex left me 12 years. I was we were calling it monogamously challenged in certain companies. You can call it monogamously retarded. But the other joke is just to say, yeah, I didn't like his girlfriend. But you should totes come to Utah. Just saying monogamously challenged. My ex left me.

That's a fart. That's not a ex left me that's a fart that's not a burp that's a fart um so he couldn't stay with i don't know how guys do it man i know i love bad bitches that's my problem i know guys like girls but bro how do you hold down more than one girl what kind of time do you have how do you hold down more than one girl? What kind of time do you have? How do you do that? God, it's not worth it, man. Jesus Christ. Yeah, sounds like a piece of... I wonder how she figured out he had a girlfriend, though. Was it like his work wife?

Those are such a thing my work has hubby everybody has one whether you like it or not they just do and it sucks but like you're like all right even if they're just ugly you're like yeah you're my you're my girlfriend now just the ugliest girl from accounting. You're like, I don't know why I've never talked to you in my life, but you're my girlfriend. Hey, what's up, man? So let me take you back to a time. I was a young man. I was in my young 20s and I started seeing this girl around town that I hadn't seen before. And so I started like kind of talking to her and hanging out with her and stuff. She was just smoking hot. Smoking. And I finally got a date with her. Everything worked out great. And over the next couple of weeks, we started hanging out more and more. Well, I would soon come to find out why this girl was single and probably still

is to this day. I can't wait. She had the stinkiest pussy I've ever met in my life. Oh my God. Let me explain the smell to you. Well, there's a perfect way to explain it, actually. Remember Nickelodeon Gak? You'd open that thing up to play with some toxic slime, and the entire room would start smelling like rotting feet? That's exactly what it smelled like, dude. At this point, I was okay with it because she was so hot and she

was cool. But dude, after a while, weeks would go by and every time I'd get in my car, I could smell it. Dude, she took her panties off and the entire room filled with tear gas. I would sit on the couch, waft up. I don't care where she had been. If she had been there, you could smell her. waft up. I don't care where she had been. If she had been there, you could smell her. So I sat her down one day and I just said, and I was not a nice guy in my twenties. I said, listen, this isn't going to work. And she started crying, of course, and said, why, what did I do? Your pussy stinks. Dude, I can't tell. There's no way. How, how did how did how does she not know girls how do you not know she she must not have had any friends

that's like uh if your homeboy smells and you just don't even tell him because everybody has that one friend that smells and how does it smell that bad she had to be just eating Arby's she had to just be eating jack-in-the-box food three meals a day for years I don't know I've never I've never been that situation but you it sounds like you stuck it out for a while dog you were in you were with her long enough to know that it smelled like nickelodeon gack damn girl you got that gack anyway though uh i used to almost want to eat nickelodeon gack so oh my god that was i'll never i'll never say the word or hear the word stinky ever again. After that Nickelodeon Gak tear gas. How does she not know? That's the thing about all people who smell.

How do you not know? Do I smell? Maybe maybe i know i probably smell like coffee i smell like stuff but i don't think i smell like bo how about that though that girl couldn't even like that girl could never sneak around that girl could never rob a house there's old Gak back. Gak came back. In a Cadillac, Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak, Gak. Sorry, it's probably too long,

but another thing to add about the girl with the Gak pussy, she also dragged her teeth during BJ's. So that's a definite no. At that point, I'd rather just be celibate for the rest of my life and get sliced by a canine. I love you, buddy. Take it easy. Love you more, bro. Wow. Never had that. How was she hot is what, um, I got to see a picture of her. Cause how was she hot? You can't do those things and be hot maybe that's why she was hot old snaggle tooth old gack snaggle tooth that's a fun one though that's a fun one let's keep going what's the reason why i broke up with a girl? Well, after a few dates with somebody, she told me and shout out to her absolute legend for giving me this heads up.

Great. That she had herpes. you know if i'm going to be with somebody that's got herpes like i feel like i'm committing to getting herpes so like if you come with an std like you better be fucking awesome and so i didn't really know what to do because like you gotta say no i don't i mean she wasn't trying to have an std in her life um but within a few weeks she just started being very demanding of my time i noticed and she started being every girl like that person that blows up your phone when you're out with your friends and so that kind of answered the question and kind of did it for me because i can't have that and you know when she wanted me to you know

be with her even though she had the herpes i couldn't do it and she said you know i take offense to that and i was like chain link or picket at least she didn she's a real one for telling you i've never been in that situation i'm the little bitch who who will like get scared and think i have an std from like doing nothing i'm like why did why do i have a rash why do i have a rash i'll like ask the like a girl i'm talking why why do i have a rat why what's going on why do i it's and i'll like ask the like a girl i'm talking why why do i have a rat why what's going on what do i it's a it's and it's because of like the the seafood steakhouse i went to two days ago i always think i have some dumb shit i'm like what

why why does this feel different has sex twice both times she's pregnant and i have four stds i'm that guy i have herpes now after every i have had sex twice both times i have herpes yeah you can't have that you can't have her and blow up somebody's phone. She's doing a lot of blowing up. Flaring up a lot. Bonus clip. Cringe moments. I was taking out the trash at my girl's apartment

and walk back walk up the steps open the door and it looked different and there was a different dog there and I realized this is not her apartment

and I just yelled, sorry, closed the door, and fucking Usain bolted away. I didn't see anybody. Nobody came to the door when I basically broke in. But, boy, it was that awkward. Dude, I've done that. My sister lived in this apartment complex in the same unit for like three years finally moved out i go to like pick something up from her house dude i just walk into her apartment there's a chinese couple sitting on the couch

and i look at him for like seven seconds i'm like is she having a work meeting or some shit and then like all of a sudden i was like oh fuck she moved and i was like i didn't even say sorry just me and this couple looking at each other bro is so weird and but first of all i was like why didn't they lock the door i promise nobody locks their doors nobody Nobody locks. Lock the door. Imagine sitting with your girl on your couch in an apartment watching TV and your door is just fucking. My shit is always deadbolt. Dude, they had to be like, okay. Seven seconds of what the fuck?

What up, Benny? I find you funny as fuck my guy i love you i was on f girl island i'd be the bitch in the back always cackling every single time you open your mouth anyways i'd leave my man because of his dish pan hands i love that he cooks for me but he's always doing the damn dishes so his hands are the softest man hands i've ever met in my life i need a man that's going outside and doing outside projects but instead that's me so my hands are all rough back i love it so much i can't help when i dap up with a guy and he has soft hands, I cannot help but tell him, I'm like, bro, what are you using? It is almost weird when dudes hands are so soft. I'm like, how do you do that? Are you just soaking those bitches in lotion all day? Like you have to.

Have you never picked anything up? I don't know, man man my hands are like stone i don't take care of my hands at all i'm i'm the guy that does this do you see me in public? I'm biting the calluses off of my hands. Oh my God. Ew, that's literally disgusting. No, it's honestly the best and most fun I've ever had in my life. That's sick. You like spit them out all over the place. Actually, no, I eat them for a snack.

You always talk about the grossest shit on your podcast shut up ashley nobody else talks about eating their calluses and i want to be the first person yeah you catch me you catch me anywhere i'm doing this me listening to you while you're talking uh-huh oh my god that's so crazy uh-uh is it disrespectful no what are you doing when you're watching a movie you're eating a little fun snack what am i doing when i'm what i'm talking to you and I'm locked into your conversation? I'm talking. This is a bite your calluses off type of podcast. Let's keep going.

Hello. Actually, I'm from Chile. And I'm going to try to tell you the best way. My ex-boyfriend from seven and a half years actually always cheated on me. He actually go away on weekends to other countries with another girl, telling me that he was in the countryside with his father. But I was so in love I forgave everything but eventually he invited me to go to

Spain with him because he was going to live there and I said no he go we still talk for a while until one day many things, bad things happened to me and in that moment

he was like hey you only text me because everything is wrong in your life and i was like i'm sorry but yes everything is wrong in my life and i need someone to support me and i blocked him and never ever ever again had listened read about him so hopefully if he's dead but there it is but that was like a year ago hopefully he's dead that's what i like to hear. Hopefully he's dead. Some people should. Bro, the foreign guys are scumbags. I'm like, I don't know. What is that?

Is that like some type of stereotype? It's true. Dude, foreign guys are horny. Name a foreign guy that's not like. Look through. If you got a foreign boyfriend, look through his DMs right now. I can guarantee you 10 different girls all in a row. I like boobies.

I like. I like you look like you taste good. Like the weirdest, horniest shit. All of them are so horny. I don't know. It doesn't surprise me at all. I hope he's dead. So I've got two fun ones for you. Back to back relationships.

I thought, so that's fun. First one was the day after Thanksgiving several years ago. And we all went to a hockey game. My ex and a group of his friends. So we're coming back from the hockey game. It's wet, cold and rainy. And on the way back into our town, there's a bunch of construction happening on the highway and road closures. And so a woman zips past us right before the lanes are merging and and i said that one's gonna cause a wreck and sure enough she did um seven car pile up which

i'm in the middle of my car is absolutely totaled all of us were fine but um that dick was more worried about missing kickoff than like any of our well-being called his dad made his dad come and pick him up and his dad was best man ever he's just like oh are you sure you're okay you want me to wait i said no my dad's on the way it's fine just get him out of here honestly his friends stayed like all four of them stayed until like the scene was processed until my dad came picked me up got everything settled um and then you know two days later he hadn't even called to see if i was okay so that was the end of that and then second bro sometimes the cults are more important can you imagine that

the game we almost died all your friends staying back too he had to be psycho if his friends were making sure everybody was okay but he was was still like, dog, I can't miss kickoff. Kickoff is the, I don't think I've ever been to a sporting event before kickoff. You catch me at a, at any sporting event.

I'm getting there in the third quarter after halftime. What's up? Kickoff. Dude, what a nerd go colts though and then second after um the day after thanksgiving car total boyfriend oh so is the line um several months past like i started another year of college, ends up this guy who like I had known in high school adjacently, um, was in one of my classes. Well, we got to know each other really well, hit it off really, really easily. Um, he wrestled in high school. My brother wrestled,

you know, in high school currently was wrestling in high school currently. Um um so like he comes on and is coach you know coaching the kids we're doing well for several months everything seems to be going really great um you know our families meshed really nicely um we had a lot of the same interest whatever a hot firefighter to be honest with you um but he goes and says oh and then you know of course i make the mistake of saying oh well i think i'm falling in love with you oh yeah um and of course then you know he's going to visit his sister at her college for the weekend um bad completely ghosts me for 10 days and then shows up at a wrestling practice um with a blonde 17 year old and at the time he was like 21 20 no he must have been 22

so yeah that was fucking great men rock dudes are such like i like boobs i like fast cars uh yeah don't say i love you don't do it don't do it on someone i don't really know i'm just gonna say to say it shit. Because the person that says, I love you first, loses. Every relationship. It's pretty much whoever says it first loses. Guy who says it two hours after meeting someone. Baby girl. You know how to pick them. them oh they were like 22 though so i get it dudes dudes really don't know how to do anything until they're like 50 and at that point they're too tired to do anything Well, my ex broke up with me because the type of sex that I wanted all the time was not his thing, I guess. I like it extremely kinky and extremely rough.

And so I guess one time when I asked him to put a belt around my neck and basically fuck me from behind. Yo. Like I was a dog on a leash and pulling it as hard as he could. So specific. He said that that was like a major turnoff and he couldn't handle that. No shit. finders trying to find some random chicks to fuck to fill that void in his life because I was

too much for him I guess. I don't know. I think I'm fine. I don't think I'm that crazy. fine I don't think I'm that crazy how come the horniest people always sound like that well my ex broke up I don't know I don't know who's i think he's right i don't know man if a girl was like put this belt around my neck and shit i swear to god i'm not the guy i will start laughing

about that you're like immature no bro just can we just have dude i don't know maybe i'm so like bland can we just do some normal shit like that's hot enough i think if you're if you're getting into the like treat me like a fucking canine you got too much time on your hands or something You got too much time on your hands or something. And we know you love him because you looked him up on Adult Friend Finder. You should have just went to PetSmart. Oh, gosh.

Look at this guy. Also, I just left you a voice message. And I don't know how you can get in touch with me because I didn't leave my credentials. It's anonymous. If you'd like to get in touch with me, my Instagram is sabado that's s-a-b-a-d-o like saturday in spanish underscore r r i can tell you some more of my crazy stories too if you'd like should we everybody's gonna look her up right now everybody's gonna look her up right now everybody's gonna look her up right now I might even do it

oh god hey hey hey hey hey hey hey it's anonymous i shouldn't be doing this the voice the voice the voice let's keep going so my ex was away for four months for the military and i was visiting him every month and he had an affair with a girl in his unit i found out and ended things he then started a relationship with her and came back we had to live together for the summer and within three days she

broke up with him because her parents found out and were going to take away his car. So he begged for me to stay and not move on over the summer when I was going to move away. I moved away and one week later he was already going on dates. He ends up getting in a relationship with the first person he went on a date with he lied to her told her i had cancer and that's why we canceled our wedding when in reality he cheated on me cancer and she's 13 years older older than him and her 16 year old that lives with them is closer in age to him than he is to her I gotta go I win

can sir yes sir jeez oh my god I gotta quit with the Johnson shit but hey guys in the military thank you for your

service but holy can we get it together when you come back over how come every single military relationship I've heard of in my life is a disaster? I don't know. I just probably wouldn't date a guy in the military. I don't know. Hey, I don't know. I can't say all of them are bad people, but every single time I hear

a story about a relationship between someone and someone in the military, it's like, why would you even try? Has it ever gone? They, they break up. I want to know the breakup rate 100%. And how come every guy that I know that's gone to the military is like I love your boobies I wasn't fully in a relationship with someone and was

recently single and starting to go on dates and was kind of starting to see this one man however he had never had a relationship at all and he was in his mid-20s he also was a virgin and I was continuing to go on dates and he just got clingier and clingier and clingier. And he told me that he loved me when we weren't even exclusive and had not had sex or anything like that. And I told him I don't love him and broke up with him. Yeah. And he cried right in front of me and i have no regrets textbook

virgin virgin gonna virgin baby i just i just feel like if anybody gives a girl a little bit of attention, that the girl will invest in that person. But like, dude. No. Every, every. Hold on.

What is she? One second. No, every, every, hold on. What is she? One second. I was recently starting to see this one, a relationship at all. He also was a virgin. And I was continuing to go on dates and clingier and clingier.

Never heard of a clingy guy. Hey, if a guy's clingy, guess what? That's your answer right there. I've never heard of a clingy guy before. Is that even a thing? Why did I break up with my ex? Among many reasons. I think the main reason was because I caught him cheating. And the way I did that is how I caught him, I had a good feeling.

He was having, you know, other type of connections. other type of connections. So I took his phone and I went through it. Sure enough, there was text calls, phone conversations on social media, on Snapchat, Instagram. I didn't check Facebook. Who has Facebook nowadays?

Yeah, thank you. And beyond that, it's been a year and a half been about a year so good riddance yeah the look through the phone it's such a crazy gamble i've never done it because i'm too scared but, you find out everything when you look through it. Dude, if you look through my phone, you might be like, you'd see my, oh bro. Don't even, don't even look at the apps. You're looking through your girl's phone. Don't look at the apps. Look at your girl's group message, bro. You will find shit in there about yourself that you didn't even know existed

in the girls group message. And just look for that. If you can't find it, look for that one text from like Jocelyn that says, can I be mean real quick? Like, dude, you're, that's all the info you write. That's why guys don't go to therapy. I think, because of the notes. Don't even try the notes. There will be some cryptic ass prayer about you. There'll be pictures of like screenshots of text conversations in the notes. Oh, I'm telling you, you want some you don't want to know something about yourself

notes and group message look through your girl's group message all it says from your girl is he snores like this okay bye that's all i need to know but yeah um how do you expect not to get caught if you're gonna cheat through snapchat snapchat who hey on another episode of who has it? I have Snapchat, but I talk to my cousins on it once every eight months. Facebook on another episode of who's on that. I don't even know how to navigate on Facebook. Go on Facebook. I can't even, I have no idea what to do. So I met this guy back in October and we started dating. And

then in December, he ended up getting arrested for a warrant that he had and had to spend three months in jail while he was in jail i decided to get a kitten to be my companion and then when he got out of jail and they met each other she did not like him at all that is like i say him fight him attack him for reason. And she had never acted like that with anyone at all. So for like a month of her doing that, he says to me, I think we should just get a new cat. And I got offended. Like, no, I'm not getting rid of her because I love her. And he was just like, yeah, we'll see about that. So I decided to end it with him instead. It's the best decision of my life. I love my cat so much. Never let her go.

Not even though. Like that's a big tell, I think. I think if I like dated a girl and her cat was hissing at me, I'd be like, yo, I'm just not the one for you. Like there wouldn't be a more obvious reason. I'm not the one. Dude, your cat doesn't like me. Like there's like that dude was probably like possessed or something. Dude, animals know. Imagine walking into an apartment and the dog's like, I'll be like, oh shit. All right. Peace. Dude. What kind of sinister person is like, we got to get a new cat. Fuck this cat.

Nah, I a hundred percent agree with that. Hey, if you, if you can't make a decision on somebody, let your pet decide. What's your goldfish think what's your fishy think when he comes over does he hide behind the rock see you bro both of the girls i dated i broke up with because like i'm i'm a i'm a pretty funny guy you know like i'm a little bit of a goofster some might say like a little bit uh whimsical in some aspects um mostly racist but anyway both girls that i had to break up with i'd make jokes and they'd go a little over their heads and they'd make me explain it to them and i'd spend like 30 minutes explaining that fucking joke to these girls and just for them to go like that wasn't funny anyway that wasn't funny yeah that was a anyway i don't think i have a thing for retarded girls

dude this is crazy who knows i might need to do some introspection on that one hey bro you ever think the joke was bad hey if you gotta explain it you didn't tell it right just say hey hey hey just saying i've been in the situation where you say something the girl girl's like, what? And that's when you just, nevermind. No, tell me. Nah, it wasn't. I'll tell you in a little bit. That's what you do.

You ever say a joke that you can't repeat a joke that doesn't hit? Because it becomes even less funnier than it was to begin with. What? Nevermind. Wait, just nevermind. Dude, you gotta to never mind it. You can't explain a joke on another episode of Not Funny. All right. Wow. We are so dumb. That was, wow. God damn it, dude.

that was wow god damn it dude just don't ever like anybody because everybody's so dumb including me guy that was on a dating show three of them all right let's keep going dear diary hey okay so i get an email that says hey we've been trying to get a hold of you jose cuervo wants you to go on a trip to mexico for free for three days and And I'm like, huh? What? What? What? Tell me what? And at first I'm like, this is a scam. Tell me more. Everything's free. Everything's paid for. Pick you up in an Uber, fly you there in Mexico to Jose Cuervo's private Island. Sounds a little, sounds a little pervy. And, um, not private island, but like his,

like the, the fucking resort or some shit and fly you back. This is because Jose Cuervo is the, um, sponsor of the CW's lovers and liars. And I'm like, this is a scam, bro. This is a scam. I, I, I run it through, uh, everybody I know that's head of whatever for CW. It's legit. Hey,

I'm going to Mexico. I'll let you know if I get killed. How am I going to let, how are you going to let us know if you get killed? There won't be a espresso podcast 314. But yeah, dude, dear diary, I'm going to Mexico for three days just to say, Hey, isn't, I'm not going to, we're just going to, we're just going to, Hey, we're just going to, you got to do shit. You got to do shit. Sometimes I'm doing, here we go. Here it is. You got to do some shit. I'm doing some shit. It's all free. We'll see. He's going to get killed. It's all about the tequila tasting. Hey, I'm not going to drink a

sip. I'll let you know. I'll let you know how it goes. How are you going to let us know if you're dead? Well, I'll, I'll tell you. I wonder if dude, part of the thing, I just want to be Jose Cuervo. You know? Like, that's kind of, what's your end goal? Are you just going to do stand-up? A little part of me just kind of wants to be like Jake from State Farm. You know? Let me be Jose Cuervo.

Let me, I love you burpee boy. Whoa. Let me put my, let me, let me put my foot up on the barrel and dress like a pirate. Let me be, let me, let me do it. Is that not Jose Cuervo? That's a, I think that's Jose Cuervo. I think that's Jose Cuervo. No, that's Captain Morgan. Same guy. Not same guy at all. Show and tell. Hey.

We all know who's buying this. Me, every time. Cheez-It Ranch, who's buying this? Pretty good. But as I was shopping for cheese at ranch I saw something else sour patch Oreos and you're like, why? I don't know, man. I like my, like, when you're eating Oreo cookies, like, I like my chocolate here, sour stuff here. No mixie. But today.

Oh. It smells like old this smells exactly like uh this smells like sour patch kids that have been out side for a long time this is what we're working with here This is what we're working with here. Some Sour Patch Kids Speckles in there. I've never had a pale Oreo.

Mm-hmm. Oh, that's pretty good. Oh, these are sour. All right. This is like sour patch cream. All right. This is like sour patch cream. You guys just listening to my throat while I eat this. I'm licking this Oreo.

All the audio is just. All right. That was really good okay the uh the oreo tastes like a vanilla wafer the inside just tastes like a bunch of sour patch Patch Kids smashed up. I'm not going to eat them. I'm not going to eat all of them because I'm going to Mexico and I got to look sexy, but I'm definitely going to eat all those. Cringe moment of the week. Cringe moment of the week. okay so I'm doing laundry at the house throw the clothes in shut the door boom start it got 50 minutes till I gotta be back in there cool washer's going I obviously forget that I put laundry in the washer. It's been like two hours and a half. And I'm like, all right, shit, I better go. Girl I live with is like, yo, did you spill the detergent all over

the top of the washer? And I was like, no. She's like, I think you did. And I'm like, she's like making sure that I like, yeah, you did. And I'm like, I promise I go down there, dude, there's laundry detergent spilled all over the top of the dryer. And I'm like, I did not fucking do this. And in my head, I'm like, I know what happened. The washer is shaking, knocked over a detergent bottle. The cap wasn't on there's purple detergent all over the washer and I'm like damn but I didn't want to go upstairs I didn't want to explain all that and make an excuse so I was like I'll clean it up and I'm rushing and cleaning it up real I'm trying to clean it up real quick because there's a girl that just moved in that lives underneath me in the backyard of this house. There's two apartments, one on top of the other

girl lives below me. She's trying to wash her clothes. So I'm like, Oh shit, I don't know this. I'm trying to be nice. I'm trying to be polite. There's laundry detergent all over the washer. I'm trying to like clean it up. She's down there trying to load her clothes in. She's like a foreign girl. And I'm like, she doesn't, you know what I mean? She's, and I'm like, Oh, let me get the, Oh, excuse me. You know, being all like that. And I was like, let me get something to wipe this up. So she's down there loading her clothes in. I'm running upstairs to get like a paper towel. I don't know. And then while I go upstairs, I'm thinking in my head, damn, I should have just cleaned it up with one of the towels that were in my clothing.

That would have been smarter. Instead, I'm just going to sop it up with a bunch of paper towels. I go downstairs. You know how foreign people aren't ashamed of anything you know like like I get embarrassed easily I think it's like a white person thing I'm like trying I come downstairs to a lot of paper towels like trying to like soak it up and like throw it away get everything all good for because I'm like yo I don't my bad I'm like, yo, I don't, my bad. I'm the culprit here. I come downstairs to clean it up. Bro, she's soaking up

the detergent with her underwear. And I'm like, oh, I just came to, you know, clean this up and she's like, no, no, no. All of her underwear. That was like, yo, your underwear is about to be so soft. And she's like, yeah, I mean, no. I was like, all right, you got it. She was like, yeah, yeah, yeah, like yeah yeah yeah and I was like

see ya bro cringe moment of the week um alright go off sis softest underwear in the world I was kind of jealous thinking back about it

i could have made my underwear real soft jokes on you he doesn't wear underwear let's do days of the week and i'll shut up forever thursday today national life insurance day is it a scam? Absolutely. I don't think I'll ever sign up for any of that shit. Sign up. Like it's a newsletter. Life insurance, 401k, retirement. No thanks.

I guess I'll just keep the money I have. What are we doing? Am I so stupid? Oh my God, you're not investing in your Roth IRA? No. What the fuck? I'll just try to be more efficient with my money. What? Is that bullshit I kind of think all of that is a scam your life insurance your investment what dude I got it I don't know let me know because how about the people that like hit you up and email you and they're like yo I'd like to be your accountant you know what I mean like they don't say it like that, but everybody's had that person that like wants to get a meeting with you at Starbucks to be your accountant. I'm like, bro, I have like 28 bucks. What the fuck are you talking to me for? Crazy. Day of prayer, Thursday, day of prayer.

day of prayer, Thursday, day of prayer. The only time I can ever pray is when I'm doing something I hate. I can't just sit here and pray. Like I gotta be like running on a treadmill or like, you know, how about everybody just trying to get their prayers out of the way when they're doing something they can't stand? Dude, I'll never forget. It was me, my aunt, and all my cousins in her van driving home. We were like seven minutes away from my cousin's house where we were going to, you know, just, just do some cousin shit. You know, we're probably going to watch a movie. We're going to eat some pizza. We're going to like,

stay up a little later. We're going to, you know, I mean, just one of those nights. I'll never forget. We're on the way home from like the movie rental place. Yeah. This was when I was like 10. My aunt goes, everybody shut the hell up in the car,. In the car. Turned off the radio. Everybody shut the hell up. Let's say our prayers right now and get this over with. Dude, we're just in the car for the next like four and a half minutes saying our father's hail Marys. Like rapid fire. Marissa, say the hail Mary.

Hail Mary, full of grace. Nick, say the hail mary hail mary full of gray nick say the our father our father who weren't fucking ripped through like five prayers amen all right fuck music back on thank god that's over with every time it is always such a drag when you had to say i don't know i went to a catholic school so we had to say the prayer like immediately when we, you know, the first before the school day started prayer and pledge. I was like, holy shit. This, I get every day with this. Once a week, I get it. Monday, let's go.

Every day prayer and pledge. What cult is this? Friday. Chocolate custard day? Oof. Never had that. Chocolate custard. Okay, I've had to have had that.

How about when you bite into a donut that just looks so good? You're like, oh yeah, this is the one. You know, you can eyeball a donut and tell if it's going to be filled with something or not. It's just a little chunk, a little rounder. You're like, there's something good happening with that guy. You can tell. Hey, why would you, you know those donuts that are like imposters? They're not, they don't have the cream or custard in them.

They're just like to fool you. Who's eating those? Yeah. Can I get a dozen of the donuts that look like they should have custard in them, but they don't. Who the, like what? Every time, dude, when I bite into one of those donuts and there's nothing in the middle, hey, bye.

The hardest throw into the trash ever. Like, bank it off the trash. I'm like, fuck that. Who's buying this? But when you see the donut that's got a little something in it, and you're like, there's something in there. Yeah, and you get excited. There's a little party that starts in your head.

You're like, oh, yeah. That's the one. And you bite into it and it's custard instead of cream. I'm like, who likes, who's out here rooting for custard? No. I'm sorry. Cream gang. So much better.

It is. It is. No, you like. No, it's better. And you know it. I'm sorry cream gang so much better it is it is no you like no it's better and you know it how is it not better when you have a pot a piece of pie

are you putting custard on top of it no you're putting cool whip on top a donut with like cool whip ready whip inside

that's fire custard who put pudding that I don't want inside of my donut? Too heavy. Saturday. I'm not listening to espresso anymore.

He's anti-custard. We don't need ya. Calluses and cool wit. Saturday. Getting a little too fired up over donuts over here Free comic book day People that are into comic books How?

How? How? I wanted to have comic books when I was a kid, but they were like 15 bucks. My mom was like, no, who has enough money to just have comic books? But in the comics, there's always that guy. But in the comics, nobody really knows about the comics. Did you ever notice that like comics were secretly like a little too sexual i remember that i would like i'd like go through a bat like you know my mom would be at the store growing up i'd like

rip through a batman comic and it'd be like kind of a little too hot i'd be like wait are they are they in love like why are they always in love? I was like, I thought they just fought crime in here, no? Okay. Comic people. Horny. Sunday. Cinco de Mayo's on Sunday?

Okay, that's why I'm going to Mexico. Wow, he just figured it out, everybody. He just figured it out. He's going to Mexico to the tequila Jose Cuervo event during Cinco de Mayo. He just figured that out. He never knows the date. Um, is it a little embarrassing? Um, I'll kind of, kind of still don't know the difference between March, April and may, But yeah, should be fun. It's funny because I list all the days on here. It's Cinco de Mayo. It's astronaut day. It's Chipotle day. And it's supposed to say lemonade day, but I have typed out in here when I was like, right, like getting all this together.

It says instead of lemonade day, it says lemonade boy. Lemonade, the only drink that makes you more thirsty. Chipotle day. I was thinking about this. I ate Chipotle for the first time ever, threw up the whole next day. I went back and got Chipotle like a month later, got sick again, threw up. Wasn't as bad as the first time, but I got sick again and threw up. And then I went back, you know, hungry. And the third time I did it? Good. Dude, my body adapted to Chipotle.

You know how fat you gotta be? My body adapted to Chipotle. Because I'm so fat. You're not even fat. Well, you know what? If I didn't work out, I would be the fattest piece of shit alive. I'm a little fat kid inside.

Like, I think we all are a little bit, but... Your boy's a... Your boy's a garbage disposal. This is kind of a garbage disposal podcast a little bit. A little bit of a trash panda podcast.

It's fine. Yeah, we like to eat. Jesus Christ. What an episode. What a rollercoaster that was. But thank you for the voice messages.

I love you, fam. Keep them coming. Watch Lovers and Liars on the CW tonight. Tickets for the stand-up shows. I'm coming to your city, babe. Get them. Come out and see me. And we out here being nice Alright

I'll talk to you guys next week Love you fam Get the merch and Kiss me everyday See you next time Fuck