Espresso - The Teacher With A Pet Flea In A Locket (Weird Substitute Teachers)

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

You haven't truly had an eating disorder until you eat ten bunless Big Macs with a knife and fork 😙  Today we remember why high school kids are the most ruthless people on earth and why putting Pepto-Bismol in your math teacher's coffee is rat tail kid activity. Don't act like you wouldn't sign up for a government-funded week of going back to high school at age 35 just so you can cater lunch from Qdoba and depants your bois in the hallway 😎 Love ya fam see ya sunday🫡-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------**TIMESTAMP CHAPTERS****0:00 - Intro****2:40 - Leaving your car running for four hours while substitute teaching****5:35 - Playing indoor ruler baseball with Mr. Bogardis****7:50 - Mrs. Anderson and the hair scarf showdown****9:00 - Proposing high school week for thirty-five-year-olds****12:15 - Hiring pale nerds and the situational hotness trap****17:45 - The substitute teacher with a pet flea in a locket****21:45 - Art class prop comedy and calling the ice cream shop on a stapler****25:50 - Turning in your Scratten and religion class junk resituating****29:10 - Mr. French's Assateague Island elementary camping trip****36:05 - Searing cream cheese bagels on the bottom of a dirty shoe****38:50 - Shuffling I hate Miss Phillips messages onto math quizzes****42:20 - Spotting the Chris Farley lookalike sub eating wings at Hooters****46:30 - Native American lesbian PE teachers screaming about untied shoes****52:40 - Off pizza for four months and fighting the pizza demons**

Oh, like, it's hopped on your shoulder. And now it hopped onto your head. It's on your right toe. Don't you feel it? I'm like, it was the craziest thing ever. Don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe. Don't trust a hoe. Don't trust because a hoe won't trust me. Oh, this thing's on.

Oh, God, how embarrassing. Spresso podcast shot 435. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who or, I've ordered 10 Big Macs over the weekend with no buns and ate them all in four minutes with a knife and fork. Why does eating things with a knife and fork make everything taste better? Show me the Carfax! It's also with drinks, you drink something with a straw tastes ten times better. Hey, I don't make the rules.

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But let's get to the QQQQQ. Question of the week. Espresso question of the week. I like this right here. I like this right here. Who's the substitute teacher you'll never forget? I think it's amazing that anybody can, be a substitute teacher, anybody. Requirements to be a substitute teacher. Nothing. Just come on in.

Whoever. I substitute taught at a high school when I was 24 years old. I was pretty much just out of high school. Dude, I was probably drunk. I had no clue. Never done this. So nervous. They'll take anybody, brother that that's like I think it's insane like when somebody's in a pinch last second I want to seize the substitute teacher list you know like who's that it's just like a bunch of guys dads yeah I don't have much going on I can swing by somebody's mom it's always and sometimes I like feel you ever feel bad for a substitute teacher you're like damn it's like a really old lady you're like oh god like I thought this was going to be like a free session but like does she's saying everything wrong. People are laughing at her. I'm like, I don't know if you should be in here.

Like, this sub's about to die like next month. It's always a super weirdo because it'll take anybody. Who's the person making calls, you know, for the sub? 6.38 a.m. just going down a list of the most fried people they know, grandpas, dads, dads, divorced dads, kids fresh out of college. Dude, I was so nervous to substitute teach. I left my car running the whole entire time. There I get here at 7.30. I was like, okay. Probably got there at like 6.30 just to make sure had no idea what door to go into. It's crazy that like half of my anxiety when I'm doing everything is like what door? What door? Oh my God. What door? What building? Where do I park? Is this a lot? Nobody gives you any of that.

left the car on, walked outside, four hours later. My car was shaking. Like an app on your phone. I was like, oh my God. Okay. Okay. Okay. And they never asked me to sub again. Got made fun of the whole time because my dress shirt was too tight. But who's the sub you'll never forget? God, I had some good ones. I could probably name them all. Is that crazy? Mr. Bogartis, dude was just a guy's dad. Sweatpants. Big dog shirt. The most easygoing guy.

Just sat there and we played baseball in the room with a wotted up piece of paper and a ruler. Bases were like the bookshelf, the trash can't. We just for a week. We didn't do anything. How is that allowed? No assignments. either. Like he wasn't like, all right, you got to get this done.

Then you can do whatever you want. It was just like every day indoor recess. So insane. I felt so guilty. I was like, should we, we should all be, I don't even know if this is, I don't know. After day three, you're like, can you assign something? But then we had some lockdown subs. Like high priority list subs.

Like those subs are probably never available because they were, they took it seriously. It's kind of my dream. dream job a little bit. Like don't have a job, but like, yeah, if you need me, I'll be there. Like, bro, that was those substitute teachers like game plan. Once I hit 60, I'm on call to be a substitute teacher at the high school. And that's the only high school I'm working for. Boom, they get a call.

6.53 a.m. Mr. Bors. There. Locked in. Skin glistening. dyed black hair comb over dyed black mustache un

dyed black eyebrows at the desk like this when you walk in I was like okay well we have sometimes it sucked when you had a substitute teacher that was locked in because like

you knew you were gonna have to work like sometimes the normal teacher was a little more easy you knew what you're gonna get you got a sub now you're like ah now we're gonna have like a worksheet that we got to do and homework

like this guy doesn't play I don't even know if I liked it. But who's a sub? You'll never forget. Top. Her name was Mrs. Anderson. Oh, my gosh. From freshman year all the way up to senior year, she terrorized me.

She's this small, petite, tiny, frill, black woman, bald-headed, always on people's necks. I had hair scarf on one day. She told me to take it off. I said, baby, maybe you need it more than me. Got control for that. Was I wrong? No. Was it wrong to say?

No, but that's not the point. She thought she was a teacher. She'd act like a teacher. She was always available. I swear, it's like, I don't even know. I don't even know how she was still alive, honestly. She was so whole. I know.

She was so bitter and nasty. She's always not really, she's like a rule follower, like to the teeth. She making rules and not even the rules. She always got rules. I was so sick and tired of her. Honestly, I'm so glad I graduate high school. She was fond of it. I had to do with her one more time.

I literally blow my head off. It's so true. They're so old. Why do they love the control so much too? Imagine if you had to go back to high school, I would so do it. If there was like a rule like, all right, you turn 36, you got to go back to high school for a week. Everybody has to. Like, I guess if you die,

Okay, only exception. But it doesn't matter. It's high school week. You're 36. It's high school week. Like, you get that off of work. The, like, the government gives you money to fly home and, like, puts you up in a hotel, like, time to go back to high school. Bro, how weird.

How fun would that be? Nah, people are getting fights. People will be cheating on their wives. Can you imagine that, though? Like, seeing your boys one last. time. What's up? You got? What period you got next? Like you're 35. Hey, you got the early lunch? Hey, lunch about to be crazy. Hey, what are we doing in PE? I'd be so I'd be about it. I'd be like, all right, yeah. Like, we got homework tonight. Hey, where are we studying? Like, you just, you get to go

back in time for real. I, okay. My son, some stupid high school class. Yeah, right. I have a son. This would never happen under my watch. Your kids get babysitters. It's all taken care of. But when you're 35 years old, there's a week that happens and everybody goes back to high school. If I'm the president, we make it happen. Mm-hmm.

People would be bawling out because people have money now. Oh, bringing bagels in? Yeah. Fifth period? Catered by. Kidoba, like all that. Dude, people, people parking their cars in the parking lot, like nasty, like, like, people would be getting new cars for high school week. Maybe just me.

How high and drunk would people be, though? Or maybe you got to follow the high school rules. If you're high or drunk, you have to stay another week. Let's get it. high school week 35 years old high school week how mad like if you're married how mad would your wife be oh my god who is your little stupid high school girlfriend

if you talk to her I swear to God yo we're 35 girls would still be jealous hey we got practice after school you got football practice everybody's 35 but can you imagine the training room ah lunch would be so lit. Be sneaking.

Oh, you can't have phones. This should be a reality show or something. Hey, remember the hot substitute teacher? I think we all had one. It was really weird. Like, and it was like never talked about. Like, it was very swept under the rug sometimes. We just, I just walked into school one day and I was like,

Yo, who's what? The tannest, hottest girl ever is just teaching today? They're like, yeah, that's so-and-so, I don't know. I just couldn't believe my eyes when the hot teacher was there. I was like, how are we not freaking out? How are we not making a documentary about the substitute teacher? Hottest person I've ever seen just teaching? Never had her one time.

But I'd see her in the hallway and be like, yo, that's the sub. How are you going to do that? How are you going to be that hot? Sometimes when high school is high or hot teachers, I'm like, this is a little too crazy. Like there's got to be a rule for high school teachers. Like you can't be above like a five, you know, five out ten. That should go into like the job interview. Like, okay, you meet all the qualifications.

You taught for six years. But you're a little too hot. So no. Like this is literally just going to be trouble for everybody. You can't be this hot. You got to be like pale. You got to be pretty busted. You got here,

two rules. If you're going to be a teacher at this high school, you got to know the curriculum. And you got to be busted. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Butterface. That's what we want.

Sure, you can have a body. Butterfrey. Actually, never mind. You can't even have a body. you got to be a lard. If you're a teacher at this high school, I'm only hiring disgusting looking people

if I'm a principal. You're hot, get out of here. Pale and fat. Don't care about the curriculum. Pale and fat, that's what we want on our staff. All right, let's keep going. This is Tarantino. In the mid-80s,

she wore the OG Reebok white sneakers. This is back when LA gear was a thing and so everybody's wearing the scrunch down thick socks high top LA gears.

No man. She wore that white Reebok OG sneakers. She still let us go outside and play because she was kind of a PE teacher but would sub for the first grade

teacher all the time. Brilliant. Brilliant. Sounds amazing. So she had like a little bit a little bit drip. had a little style or is she like old school this is Tarantino

in the mid 80s she wore the OG Reebok white sneakers you love a substitute teacher that's just like let's go outside God that's how you went over a class man actually I never hated any substitute teacher like you just had to respect it if they were being hard like it's like okay

all right. Like this is, this is what we asked for, you know? This is what we get. What do we think? They're going to make you do work and that there's always a little bit of leeway.

They always give you a deal. A good substitute teacher always gives you a deal. Hey, you work hard like you can be an idiot for a little bit. I love those teachers. It's like, yeah, all right, deal. All right, let's just get this done.

Best part about a substitute teacher, though, for me, I was cheating. my little dumpy off. Right when I, dude, if there was a test and we had a substitute teacher, literally God is on my side today. Because they can't, you've never in the history of substitute teachers have they been like, hey, you're looking at his paper.

And even if they did do that, like they wouldn't say anything about it. It's like not their place. I would feel so weird. And substitute teachers also like kind of, they always like side to be like, you can do this in groups. Or I'd always be asking that. Finish this worksheet. I'd like, can we do it in groups?

They'd be like, sure. Yes! Yes! I don't know anything ever! But a substitute teacher with a little bit of swag, you're getting yourself in trouble. I'm telling you, I want a nerd. Pale nerds only.

Qualifications for substitute teachers. Be pale, be a nerd. Nobody hot. You got the scrunchy socks with the L.A. gear shoes? I don't know if I can now I think you're cool. Now I'm not going to do any work and I'm just going to talk to you the whole time. Okay. So

we had the substitute teacher. I cannot remember her name. But she was crazy. She was like this really zany older white lady. Like very grandma kind of lady. Super sweet. And anyway, the reason I remember her is because she had this bit that she would do about her pet flee, like a flea that she kept in a locket, like a locket necklace she had. So she would open her locket and she would like release her pet flea and she would just start like pointing to different students and be like,

oh like it's hopped on your shoulder and now it hopped onto your head it's on your right toe don't you feel it it was the craziest thing ever we i mean we loved it we were like eight years old so we thought it was the best thing ever but looking back it was so weird oh my god But yeah, shout out to her. And I honestly haven't thought about this since like probably fourth grade. So thanks for the memories. I hope you used this on your pod. Thanks for the memories.

Hem and, never, this has sent to sweeter. Oh, those things on? Oh, man, a sub with a bit. Any teacher with a bit, too. It's like, this is crazy. How come teachers, you always get one teacher.

teacher that's just like, what are we talking about right now? Like, this lady's nuts. There's always one. And when you think back on it today, they're even crazier. For some reason in high school, it's like, yeah, that's just our like wacky ass chemistry teacher. Like chopped hair, straight weirdo teaching you like nursery rhymes that don't make any sense. You're like, I'll never forget. She would have a riddle on the board and we'd like go through the riddle for 35 minutes of class and then I'd be like, how come it's so easy to get teachers

like off track sometimes? You wouldn't even have to try. They'd start crying. You'd be like, let's go! Dude, you get a teacher to start crying. Easy 25 minutes. Teachers have so much to unpef. that they're actually telling their classes

about their personal lives and stuff. Hey, like we care. Oh, they thought we cared? Am I the only one? Maybe I'm just like, emotionless. But when a teacher started crying, I had no idea what they were talking about.

I was just trying to like get them going more. But then what did he say? You know? Oh, shit, I'm going to hell. That's a nice bit. always an old lady had a flea in her locket you gotta be you gotta have some guts

to come into a class substitute teacher nobody knows you and you're running a bit I guess there's no there's no lose there's no loss there like you're just you're just gonna be memorable you're just gonna be legendary

the bit fails like that's flea that's Mrs. flea now the bit works like the flea ladies here you're gonna be flea ladies Dude, our art teacher was like honestly putting on a show. He was a prop comic running an art class. I'm convinced.

He would fake be on the phone with a stapler calling an ice cream shop. 38 minutes. Okay, well, if you don't have the Sunday with the sprinkles and just, dude, he had to be like clinically insane. Because he would snap on people too, like, ridiculous. ridiculously hard. I remember seeing people. He would be bullying kids. I was like,

I don't know if this is okay. You ever do when teachers yell at somebody so hard, like sometimes you're like, I don't, I don't really think that that was, like it's weird that they yell at them so hard and you're like, eight years old and you're like,

I don't really think that was necessary. Like you're eight, how do you even gauge that? Screaming at kids at the top of his lungs. Adam! Face the wall! I was like, Oh my God, there's nothing he could have done

that needed that much yelling. Alex, you two! Sick of me! I'm like, dude, it's 10.30. It is art. And we're in fourth grade. We couldn't, like, what did he do? Try to kill you?

Then he'd go back to a bit and be like, well, I didn't want sprinkles on it. I didn't want sprinkles on that. I'd be like, oh my God. Art teachers, dude, different. Different beast. Art teachers are a different breed. There's,

they gotta be let, school's gotta be letting some stuff slide for our teachers. Good Lord. Art teacher interview. Um, do you have a cat name, Waffles?

Yes. We'll see you tomorrow. Do you drink, um, water out of old yogurt cups. Yeah. All right, we'll see you tomorrow.

bro. Let's keep going. So the substitute teacher that I'll never forget was in the sixth grade. You know, I know this guy had a legitimate disability, but... Anybody, they'll hire anybody. So his voice box was like all, like, messed up. I don't know what happened. He never really dove into it. But he, like, literally had a really hard time, like, getting, like, full words out all at once.

Like, I don't know, almost like constipated, but not. And we all knew, like, I went to a private school, so we didn't really make fun of them. But, man, we'd registered him behind his back. But doing the spelling bee, he had to read every word. And, man, that took forever to go. But they'll never forget him. I mean, just setting your boy up like that. Come on.

Like, obviously, that guy's getting it made fun of. It's just so crazy that the high school would be like, yeah, fun you can you got it disability and all like all right if he wants to yeah all right that's fine i guess that's nice of the high school to do that but like bro high school kids are ruthless people high school kids might be the worst people ever like damn the fact that we had any freedom and we kind of didn't but like exactly yeah don't make fun of them in class but after class boy you know there are like three dudes with gas impressions of him that you were just dying. Every single thing our substitute teachers did, we would just jump all over and laugh for like

literally two years. We had this old lady substitute teaching. She kept calling the Scantron Scratons, dude. She might have said Scratten instead of Scantron. 36 times Like Did everybody get a scratin? We were like

Like trying to play it cool And she did she was a bl- And no one was gonna be like It's a skin try Like no one's doing that So and we're just letting it roll Like even the smart girls that like Aren't about the games

Like aren't trying to like mess around Like they were even like Don't hey turn your hands Scratten in! Make sure you write your name on your scratten! I was like, god, damn. Every time she said it, it was just, I would get sweatier and sweatier holding it. I just remember, dude. And you make eye contact with your boy. Ah ha ha ha ha ha! There's nothing better. Man, there's no laugh like that. God, there's no laugh like that. You gotta be quiet in high school. And something's so far.

funny and nobody else knows. We had this religion, religion teacher, and he would just nonstop resituate his junk, rearrange his junk, nonstop, I'm telling it was so weird. Now that I'm thinking about it now, it's even weirder. And he thought he was like a big shot. And we were just like at his mercy, just like, all right, like if we get in trouble, I mean, what are we going to do? Like, bro, just nonstop rummaging around down there.

I was like, and he just, and nobody ever said anything about it really. And I just looked at one of the homies. I was like, yo, is that so weird that he just keeps touching his dick all the clock? And am I the only one seeing this? And then from then on, every time he did it, we were out. And it was almost like, like at least like a. dozen times. Like he'd be like teaching a lesson. Yeah. Okay. And then and then Simon said he said what to Jesus. Just just pinching pulling.

I was like we're looking at you. Unbelievable. And he'd have the like audacity to be like, hey, heads up. Get your head up. You don't act like that in this class. Now focus. Just pulling it. Push. I was like, what is the deal down there? There's girls in here.

Like, damn. Bro. Mr. French in John Rural Elementary, this is in Baltimore. What a man, bro. Every single year, elementary, he took the class to camping trips and out. Bro, fire. I went to Aztea Island and I was freaking 12.

I wasn't even 12. It's an elementary school. But, bro, what a real one. Never in trouble. Always recess. I felt like I didn't learn anything from this guy. But I did get to adventure outside. Little did he know.

There's a time capsule buried on the school property till this day. I believe. The fact that I don't even know. I had to dig it on myself. I couldn't even point it out where it's at, probably. But we did that. This man was the real one. P.S.

Health teacher in middle school. My God, I wish she was my wife. It's been real. I love you, man. I'm so glad you hung on and said that at the end. I thought you left without saying goodbye. Hold on. Bro.

Mr. French. and John Rural Elementary This is in Baltimore What What a man, bro Every single year Elementary He took the class to camp

And trips What? You can do that? This at the end though Last words before you die I think that's His last breath Oh wait, oh wait

Hold on Hold on His heart's beating again It's been real flat lines I didn't know you could do that as a sub now or getting into sketch territory bro I don't know if just my brain does this

but like when teachers want to do stuff with students after class I'm like no I don't care how important the curriculum is I said curriculum about 400 times this podcast somebody knows a new word. That is super real. But I've never heard of a substitute teacher doing that. Or was he a real teacher elementary school taking you to places?

I don't know. I don't feel good about this. Maybe it's different because it's elementary. Maybe it's worse. You said you had a hot health teacher though? I know. I know. And the hot teacher never likes you.

Isn't that something? It doesn't matter. Hot girl teacher Mm-mm Looked at me like I was the scum of the earth I was like All right, well Maybe I'll have another hot teacher one day

Because me and you, we don't We don't have it I thought maybe we'd have something We don't You and the hot teacher every time You know what? I felt something and I was wrong Oh Jesus Christ

Every guy thinks I have a shot Every guy the other way around though good looking guy teacher and with girls I'm like this is not okay this is not don't say a word to her

good Lord how weird is that you have to be ugly I don't care anymore if you're a teacher you have to be busted your face hit

do not say a joke walking on thin ice here wait he's kind of cute dude the rage that would pass through my body. When a girl I like thought a guy teacher was was hot. Oh my God. And I was like, he's not even.

God, he's just situationally hot. Get the, you don't know the difference. I'm like, he's our special teams coach. You think he's hot? I'm like, what am I? What do I have to do over here? You think buzz, you think flat top special teams coach? is hot.

I don't know. Thought we had something. That's situationally hot, though. We'll get you. It'll get you so bad. You know, you ever like see somebody that, that,

and you're like, whatever, man. It's always your first reactions. You always the truest thing. You see somebody, you're like, yeah,

whatever. Yeah, didn't even, didn't even, uh, cross my mind Like yeah Then like two weeks later

You're like Is she hot? Hold up Then a week later You're like yeah We're like We're like Starting to flirt a lot

Four weeks later You're dating Situationally hot She was the only one around Big dog Open up your eyes See the vision People at your gym

People at your work Oh, restaurants, that's the most situationally hot thing of all time. You're like, I hate all these people. Three weeks later, you have a full-time girlfriend. What am I doing? Just because you were with her and he didn't see anybody else? Situationally hot. Now at the end of that relationship, you think about her,

and you're like, in the beginning, I didn't think she was even that shit at all. What was I doing? Did I get tricked? Did someone cast a spell on me? Situationally hot. Right place, right time, man. Let's keep going. What up?

So one substitute teacher moment that I will never forget in my life. And I always kind of tell this story to other people because it's so crazy is there was a time where we had a substitute teacher for a whole entire week because the teacher that, you know, was teaching the class had to have a surgery. So she was going to be out for the whole week. So we had this one dude who was like, you know, he was like a mess of a substitute teacher. He's just a guy. He's like in his like 50s. And he were like trying to discipline the class. But then like, you know, we had some of the black kids in the class who were kind of like more wild. And he like stir up with them. And he called one of the kids dog. And like at that time it wasn't like a racist thing or whatever. Like everybody would just laugh. But I mean, the kid took it serious. And he said, oh yeah, you're going to call me dog. Blah, blah, blah. So nothing had happened after that But then the next day We still had the substitute teacher

I was early in the classroom that day And the substitute teacher was already in the classroom earlier And then he left to go to the bathroom And he had a bagel with cream cheese on his desk The kid came into the classroom Took the bagel with cream cheese off the desk He put his fucking shoe And smeared the bottom of the bagel of cream cheese

And closed it back on the sandwich and sat at the desk. And like me and like four other people saw that and just like our mouth drop and didn't say anything. And then we got to the classroom. The teacher actually didn't even eat the sandwich like during the period. And we were just like, what do we do here? Like so I never know if the substitute actually ended up eating it. He probably did.

Obviously he did. He didn't know what was going on. There's no cameras. It's just a wild experience. There's probably cameras in every classroom now. I wonder how many times that happened because I remember like kids would do that kind of stuff to our teachers

and they were they didn't need the teachers didn't even say anything bad to them like the kids in our class were just like mad that we had to do like homework and they like put like honestly somebody put like peptobismal in one of our teachers coffees I was like this is just crazy

dude like you got to I really dude you really do you really do hate teachers though. Like not to the point where you're like messing with their food and drink, although that did happen a lot. Although that did happen a lot.

Shut up. Bro, but I remember I hated my math teacher so much that at the bottom of all my homework assignments, I'd put I hate Ms. Phillips in the smallest writing. I'd be like, God, turn it in every time.

Like she like I don't know like if I thought she'd see it I just like had to do it I was like I can't I can't with this lady There's no class I ever had like that It was always math It was always my fault because I'm an idiot But seventh grade math

Our math teacher was just He thought I was smart Oh boy was he wrong Because like he had my two older sisters in math class and they like went through seventh grade, eighth grade, I went to high school, then I popped into seventh grade.

He was like, oh, Amory and Tony's little brother. Wow. Nice to have you. For a week, he thought I was so smart. We got that first quiz back. Woo!

47%. I was like, Chris Cooley. 36%. I was like, Jerome Bettis. He was like, okay.

Well, he's going to have to stay after. He's going to have to be in the special class. Oh my God. High school math teacher, though, just couldn't stand her. I, and it was all because I was so dumb. I was like, I just don't.

I'll just never, I'd retake the class. I'm too stupid for this. I'm sorry. I quit. I remember it taking me weeks to figure out why equals mx plus B. Anything with numbers. Even today, I'm like, I just don't, just don't bring it up. I'm done with math.

I've healed. Don't bring it up. No, no, I don't want to know your trick for leaving a tip at a restaurant. I'm good. I'm going to figure out on my phone and be completely sure

and write it down. I don't care if it takes extra time. Just don't bring it up. Taxes, yeah. Even like, what did you get on your SAT? I'm like, I don't remember numbers. I don't know. Dates?

I'm like, If the months weren't hard enough, you had to attach numbers to, good Lord, bye. Forever young, I want to be forever young. Oh, wait, this thing's on. So espresso, quick, quick question of the week, what's your favorite ice cream flavor? I mean, I got to go with Cherry Garcia, am I right? Anyone, anyone? I love a big flavor.

Who's buying that? Anyways, for real, who's the substitute teacher? You'll never forget. Mine was a guy, freshman year substitute teacher in high school who looked just like Chris Farley. And every time his back was turned, kids would throw, usually the burnout. We kids would throw rubber stoppers and it would shatter some things. And he would run around and be like, damn it, you punk kids better shape up. anyways it was hilarious because there was another time we were at a field trip to mall of america

and you weren't supposed to leave camp snoopy but me and my all my buddies went to planet hollywood to get something to eat and we swore right across the way eating at the bar we saw a guy that looked just like the substitute eating wings at hooters and it would have been hilarious because it would have been very on brand for this guy so anyways he was the best mainly because of his epic crash outs. So slap my ass with some scorching hot wings from Hooters with a side of ranch and blue cheese. Fire voice message. So fam of you. So fam of you to bring up Garcia. Cherry G. Who is buying that? I just can't wrap my head around it. So you would actually look at all the Ben and Jerry's flavors and then be like yeah cherry garcia that's what i'm feeling in what world even if i wanted

cherry ice cream i'd see something and completely change my mind fish food can suck it too i'm like you just dude it's just all name it's just you're you just think you're hot shit because you have like a special logo fish food sounds disgusting and i actually think there's Fish bones in it. There's always something, bro. They always put something in a Ben and Jerry's pint. They are like, nah. Peanut butter.

Oh, my God. Chocolate center or whatever they, chocolate core. Oh, my God. Oreo crumbles. Oh, my God. This can't get any better. And marshmallow chunks.

I'm like, no. Why? You had it. You. had it. Okay. Well, I guess I'll buy it anyway. But yeah, the sub crash out, the teacher crashouts really, really etched in your brain for the rest of your life. When a teacher really just went psycho, I remember our PE teacher, she just had it. She was so mad at me too, because she like knew my family and knew my dad really well. And she like thought I should be like a leader.

all the teachers thought I should have been like the leader of the class and I was like I'm sorry I'm an idiot like I'm just I'm not the guy you think I am like every teacher I had they knew my family knew my dad and they were like oh this guy's gonna step up if I ever get in trouble as a teacher I can count on this guy to really like dig me out and help me out help me out of the hole I'm in no I was always always one like being an idiot. My bad. It was too funny. It was too funny not to partake. Because like the thing, oh my God, the thing that we like did in school in eighth grade was like, oh my God, it's like my eighth grade again. We wouldn't tie our shoes because that was in style. We would never tie our shoes.

We just like left like the little tips outside. You know what I'm talking about. Kind of goes hard and I kind of still do it. Matter of fact. Do we all still do that? That was a trend for life. But anyway, okay, so we had school shoes, boom, we're wearing them, bang. Nobody ties their shoes because it's cool not to.

And obviously you're going to not tire. Because you want to be cool. And that's like the cool. Who's lacing their shoes up to just sit there in science class at fourth period? No, we go to P.E. And you're like, I really, I'm just going to run around with my shoes unlaced. because I don't want to like mess up how I got it going on you know what I mean like it looks good right now shoes are a big deal

I don't know if that that was just my school but I'd be cleaning my shoes oh remember this there's cool shit be cleaning your shoes off with your spit and your thumb going to the bathroom wiping them off making sure they're all looking good because you had nothing to like really worry about in schools or you're like keeping your shoes like cool the whole time

We went to PE and our PE teacher snapped. She couldn't say her R's either so it made it, and I can't speak. She couldn't say her R's either so it like made it ten times funnier. She's like, tie your shoes! And we were like, no. We'd like fake time and then they look exactly the same. Tie your shoes! Taito tonal.

Tie your shoes! We're like, she went on to, tie your shoes for like it had to be 20 minutes and we're dying and you know how PE teachers are when you're growing up they're all lesbians we had the biggest native American lesbian of all time as a PE teacher with a speech impediment it was like what do you you can't you can't you can't have more of a perfect cast like that's the final boss of PE teachers

Requirements to be a PE teacher in 2004. Lesbian. Yes. Native American. Yes. Speech impediment. Yes. Six foot five.

We'll see tomorrow. P.E teacher job application. Are you a lesbian? Mm-hmm. We'll see tomorrow. Doos! Trying to think of some other ones. I really hate it.

Like when the low-kees. teacher would have a crash out that really made me sad i was like oh why we we didn't we didn't deserve to treat her that way like when the teacher that's always chill gets mad you're like you start feeling guilty you like want to say sorry somebody in the class actually says sorry the next day it's crazy how they're kind of like your mom and dad your teachers grown up a little bit man nobody complains more about how much they get paid than teachers i'm like i don't know what to tell you man. I mean, you knew when he went for the job, right? Like, it wasn't like a, and you're getting paid this much.

Oh, that's all I heard. We did not to put up with this. Every teacher you've ever had. Oh, we do not get babysit. I was like, getting screamed up. And also, every teacher you've ever had draws something on a whiteboard. Excuse my drawing. I'm not an artist.

Every single, I'm like, do, we know, you know. suck. But low key, I was like, that is pretty bad. Like, you can't draw a turkey, bro? Hey, I'm no artist. Every teacher you've ever had. Right? All right. Let's keep going. That's it. It's it. It's two days. Thursday bowling league day. I'm bad at a lot of things. And bowling is got to be the thing I'm the worst at. Yo. You want to see the real me? Take me bowling. I'll get gutter after gutter and I'll actually scream I've never been more mad

I just can't figure it out so much that I was like I'm never going bowling again and then I tried it like 10 years later after I was like I'm never bowling again I'm so bad and it's just like the worst experience tried it and I was like maybe I was just too dumb I wasn't taking my time like they can't be that hard

same thing I might have been worse just can't get it right. I was like, I just have to get, like, what the hell? And I would get so mad. And a lot of the time, hey, we're going bullying. It's like something I can't get out of. I'm like, I'm just going to watch.

Bro, I'm a big, I'll, I'll just watch, guy. I'll sit back for this one. You don't want to? Absolutely not. Everything about it is insane. Friday. Wildlife Day Still have dog fatigue

It's not going away No matter what you do No matter where you are No matter how long you've been there There will be a dog that pisses you off somehow Saturday Cheese Pizza Day Been off pizza for

Four months Very big struggle I don't know why But it's always just talking to me pizza's always talking to me and you're a straight up liar if you don't like pizza. Ew, I don't even like people.

Be for real. Trying to be locked in. Eating nothing but ground turkey and eggs and chicken. Pizza always whispering in my ear. Hey, hey, we used to have a lot of good times. Yeah, yeah, you can get me anytime.

I'm open 24-7. Yeah, I'm ever. I locked in. Maybe you can call me on the weekend. Dude, it's just never going to like, it's just, it's never going to get out of my head. Like, what do I have to do?

Pizza can, it's never done any wrong either. Like, if pizza almost killed me, I'd still be like, well, I mean, it was just because it's from that place. Like, you know? Like, we can still get Papa Johns. Like, that's not going to, kill me. God, I'll do it. I'm a slave to pizza. I really am. Anything too.

Pizza flavored Pringles? It's fire. Pizza might be number one. Pizza God? Santa? Is it going in that order? I think it does it for everybody too. And you know who it's so funny. The guys are the who are the most jacked. They've got demons in their head Pizza demons Hey Oh yeah I can see your bottom two abs

It's funny You should call me later Be fun You don't have to eat at all You can just have some You can buy it by the slice Even if you want Oh

my god, dude, I can't get away from it. Maste your time, mommy, a voice inside my head. All those things on. Sunday. Read a book day. Okay. Okay, these are getting a little too off base here. I kind of think, stay with me.

I will never read a book again. Oh, that sounded so dumb, but Jesus. Rice is that true? I mean, you can listen to them now. Who's reading that? I feel like I read enough tweets and captions that I'm like, I probably read like 17 books this year. Right?

Subtitles on videos. I'm like, I'm reading a lot. Do I really have to read J.K. Rowling to be considered smart around here? Kill me. I've been to the Cheesecake Factory and read the menu. That's got to count. count as a book. Like that thing is

two C's Coach Pee Court of the Week. Don't waste your time Mommy. I mean this is just I kind of need this right now. Enthusiasm is the spark that creates momentum.

It's true and you can just fake enthusiasm you really can. You can fake it all and it'll work out. Your brain doesn't know. Your brain doesn't know. You don't feel like doing it? Just get in, just get, just get hype.

Just get hype. I don't want to do it. It was just fake being hype for a little bit. And then guess what? You're on your way. You're already on your way. You just got to think of it. Dude, there's a lot of things like during the day that I'm like,

God, I don't want to do that. But then I think of it again like three seconds later. I'm like, it seems, honestly, I could, I mean, I guess I'm going to have to do it. Like, I'm already. on the way. Just need a little flip in the attitude, babe. Little enthusiasm. And you can accomplish it. Today, this podcast, I'm like, gosh, I don't know if I have time. Like, I might have to push it tomorrow. I don't know. Like, do I have enough voice messages? I don't want to set it up. And then all of a sudden, I'm like, oh, man, I'm already thinking about all the things that, like, let's just go.

Let's just go. Create the spark. Change your life. EWBP 435 heater Love you guys Thanks for the voice messages Thanks for the memories You just like break out in a song Why do you just like break out in a song Even if they weren't so clear

This paste like to Straight up All right You just like hearing your own voice Love you for real Thank you I'll talk to you guys next week and if you're Patreon fam

I talk to you on Sunday so hafah fuck