Espresso - thing ur ex did that u liked?

Episode Date: April 2, 2026

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Okay, he quite literally will let me fart on his leg every morning. Make direct eye contact and just let one rip. What I really meant to say. I'm sorry for the way I am never meant to be so cold. Oh, this thing's on. God, I always forget. Espresso podcast shot 413. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who eats one donut.

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What's the thing your ex did that you actually liked? You know? It's always, oh my God, ew. Like, I just couldn't even, like, it's so toxic and like, like, literally, like, my ex was like character development, Like, seriously, like, uh, the way like, but what's the thing they did that you were like, all right, yeah, yeah, damn.

You know what I'm saying? They always did. You remember one thing from every X that you're like, she did do that, though. Yeah, this one girl I dated, man. Man, it was messy, but, who. the way she would make a sunny side up egg, six, as a matter of fact.

And wasn't weird to ask her about it. She was like artsy. And she like loved like not cooking, but like the presentation of cooking. And man, God, is that the hottest thing that's ever happened to me? It's all about the presentation, babe.

And she would lay six eggs out. Almost like a pizza. Perfect. Every egg was perfect. Slice them all into triangles. Put a thin little slice of avocado on each one. Boop, boop, boop, boop. And I would just be all in my head, like working on something.

She'd set it down right in front of me. She knew, too. She knew. She acted like she didn't know, but she knew. I'm about to blow this. Motherfuck smart. Changed my whole entire day. I was like, dang, just the way that.

looks in it in it like it hit even harder at night time you know when you're in girlfriend mode and you're like eating at weird times because like your whole schedule's like girlfriend than this girlfriend than that then girlfriend than this and hold on I'm like I got to face time my girlfriend than this then I got to do this and everything's all thrown off you're like working out at 9 p.m. going to bed at 1 a.m. but then she slips that little six banger. A little six egg combo. with the avocado slices on top? I was like, you do love me.

Yo. Man, that was nice. Frozen pizza girl, never forget. Never forget. It always comes, I mean, why is it always food? I don't know.

It comes down to the food for me. It's not a food podcast, and my life doesn't revolve around food or anything. Why'd you think it did? Why'd you think it did? the way this girl would make a frozen pizza just dropped my jaw. First of all, took a gamble on the pizza. I'm not a toppings pizza guy.

I like cheese pizza. You're like boring. Cheese pizza, it's the common ground of all pizzas. I can tell how a pizza tastes by the cheese. You just give me a cheese pizza from five different places. I know what's going on. I know the chemistry of your pizza without the, frills. I don't eat all that. Just give me cheese. Plain. Let me be, baby. Just get me a basic pizza.

White girl pizza. She rolled a dice. She's like, yo, we're getting this hot honey pepperoni. I was like, whatever you say. That's the thing about having a girlfriend, like you do things you would never do. Big perk. Probably like 50% of it is like, damn. Never thought I'd be doing this, but I'm doing this. Never thought I'd be eating a pepperoni pizza with hot honey on it at 3 p.m. on a Thursday and watching a movie I've never even thought of in my life. Never even heard of this, but we're doing this. And we're having a picnic on the ground. Brother, that's just the magical part of having a girlfriend.

You're like, who would have thought? This is what I'm doing today? Dude, everything changes. It's crazy. Yep. Mm-hmm. The pre-heat, perfect temp. Put it in.

perfect amount of heat took it out at the best possible time crispy not burnt though how do you do it there's like there's literally a 25 second 25 second window to cook a pizza and you take it out

and it's not burnt and it's not soft I don't know the hot honey drizzle I didn't even know hot honey existed on the pepperoni and the way she cut it was so like who cares.

It didn't even, it wasn't even symmetrical cuts in the pizza. It was just like, it looks like Pangia pizza. I was like, yo,

I didn't even know you could do that. Like, I never even thought of cutting a pizza like whatever. Why would you even, that's some crazy, why would you even think

to cut a pizza like that? She said it down to the ground in front of me on a blanket and I was like, really? And I took a bite and my mind was blown. And she just looked at,

be like this. Like, duh. I was like, all right, one more. One more and we'll get to you. Okay. Okay, I didn't even date this girl. She's like, oh my God, let's do something while you're here. And I was like, all right. But I was like leaving my Airbnb or something and like flying back to somewhere. And I was like, I'm here for like a day.

But I'm like packing and stuff. She's like, I'll just come over when you're like figuring all that out. And then we'll go get something to eat before you leave. And I was like, all right, cool, cool, cool, let's do it. She comes over. I'm in a frantic panic. Like, this is my worst nightmare being around girls when you're like, you got another thing you're dealing with and then a girl comes into the picture.

Oh, my God. For some reason, every time I'm hanging out with a girl, all my attention needs to be on her. I don't know why. Maybe because I can't multitask, but that's kind of how I need to be for everything. If I'm, like, writing, if I'm, like, watching something, like, I got to be, like, 100% in. All in, man. Hey,

they'll be bigger than the program. So I'm dealing with two things right now. Got girl that's like, let's do something.

And that's a crazy time to deal with a girl when she's in let's do something mode. And I'm like dealing with like this flight. I got like change my flight. And I was like on the phone packing.

I was like, hey, like she like walks in. I'm like, hey, uh, hold on one sec. And I'm like doing all this. And like trying to talk to her, trying to talk to the customer sales representative

at the same time. Packing. like I gotta get out of this Airbnb in like two hours. She just goes, give me the phone. I was like, what do you mean? She goes, I got this. I was like, what? Then I remember girls are like demons on the phone with customer service.

Rapa, rapa, rapa, pa, brapa, pa, brapa. So I'm packing, getting all my stuff together. And she's like, she steps outside. Oh! The way I put all my confidence into her, I think I gave her my ID, my credit cards. Social Security number, passport.

I was like, you just, just, she knew exactly what to do. Came in back in the Airbnb like 15 minutes later. Yeah, you're good. You're flying out tonight at like, midnight or something. Didn't have to pay any extra money.

I was like, it's all good. She's like, you'll be getting an email in like five minutes. I was like, in my head. Out loud. Thanks. Thanks. Thanks.

Thanks. Out loud. Voice cracks. God dang. Just remember the good parts of our relationship, okay? To yours. What's the thing your ex did that you actually liked? So the thing that my ex did that I loved,

okay, he quite literally will let me fart on his leg every morning. Make direct eye contact and just let one rip. Didn't matter. That level of comfortability. unmatch. Oh my God. If I was like taking a shot, like walk in a bathroom,

have a whole conversation, walk out, just unmatched. Can't teach that. Hey. Can't teach that. Intangibles. That's the intangibles of a boyfriend right there.

Some people got it. Some don't. Are you born into, greatness? Or did you grow up in the greatness? Yeah, I mean, I've never, I've never been with a girl that's down DTF. I've never been with a girl that's DTF. I'm telling you. And I don't know, like, what initiates that? I'm DTF. Down to fart, question mark. Hit her back. Are you DTF? For sure. Down to fart. Never talk to her again. Leaves you on red. What that boo-boo do though. If you're DTF, I think every guy is the fart master.

Honestly, the fart conductor. If a girl's DTF on my leg, I'm not saying no. I'm not saying no right then and there. I'm not saying. How do you say, hey, can I fart? Can I furt on your leg? Let it rip, babe. What a what a what? What? sure whatever dude I'm seeing when I'm in a relationship I'm just like

whatever makes you comfortable like let's just do that I've never even can you imagine walking into a bathroom midshot can't teach that mm-mm

god on your leg I've never been in a DTF relationship how do you know you know like I think I think that's up to the girl

really or is that on the guy too? Does the guy have to do that too? Hey, you can fart around me. Do we have to say that? Guys gotta do everything in this, in this b. Like, is that like, is that like month two talk? Hey, you can fart, you can fart.

Is this an open fart relationship? How are we acting? How are we acting? Communications key, okay. Communicate with that boo-boo. And let her rip on my kneecap. please actually I don't know

I don't know about that because if she's DTF then I'm DTF and you don't want that you don't want those problems you do not want those problems Blood gates are open Blood gates you mean fart gates It's not a fart podcast

So I really loved that when I was with my ex and a monogamous relationship We would text each other Good night love you going to bed and then when I would go to bed he would go on sniffies which is the red light district of um apps um and exchanged pictures with other guys back and forth delete the profile so there was no trace and then do it again and then kept deleting and making new profiles so there was no trace to find him or catch him.

Yeah, I just thought it was just really, it was really, was a forward thinking, right? It was really smart. Not smart enough, but smart. And it was just like really, yeah, ingenious. Ingenius is the word. Yeah, really impressed with his aptitude. God, gay guys are so horny, you know?

I don't know. I really don't know if gay guys should try to date. I think gay guys should just be in it for the, just for the, just for banging. Gay guys should just not date, maybe until they're like 75 or something. But even then, I'm like, I think you still got the dog in you, bro. Gay guys should just be dogs. Go out there. No leash. Do what you need to do. We don't care.

We're not just go. But if you try to lock down a gay guy, good luck, bro. You know what you're getting into. He's got the same brain as you. God dang. Yeah, that's that, I mean, you had to see it coming. You had to see that comment.

Sniffies. I had an egg that used to cook me habachi. Homemade habachi. Like chicken fried rice with the yum yum sauce. You feel me? And it's a good thing. because that's about the only thing that I ever like that that bitch did on phone mill. Fuck that bitch.

That's so crazy. There's always one thing. God, it is like, it is kind of sad that it's usually food. Man, we're just monkeys. Guys are monkeys.

Kind of the only thing I remember a lot is the food. Man, sad. Real sad. Actually, girls, uh, girls buy you really good presents too

it's always things that you overlook you know like I would I would never girls will buy you some things that you need in your life to survive and you're like oh wow guys are always thinking big picture like future

you know long term but like in the moment stuff we're never thinking about that things that are right in front of our face guy won't even notice that's why it's so hard for guys to find stuff. We're like, I don't, I'll just, nah, I can't do this right now.

Where's my? And a girl finds it in two seconds. Where's the, how many times? I can't find, right in front of my face. The stuff you need, the stuff guys need right in front of their faces, girls are always hooking it up. Date of this girl. Boom.

Start like, I guess we're together. I don't know. I never really know when that officially happens, but I guess we're together right now. Not right now, but like, you know, it just happened. And then my birthday just so happened to be like two months after. So she's like birthday girlfriend mode. And I'm like, okay, we're definitely like a thing.

I'm like, what is she going to get me? She doesn't even like know me. She's like, no, I'm getting you things like you need. And I was like, what could this even be? A Britta? Hey, a hundred hangers. Whoa, whoa. Not sexy gifts.

but down the road you're like maybe the sexiest thing she could have ever done wait wait wait those things you put in between your middle console in the seats in your car so your phone doesn't slip through the crack and at the time I was like thanks god I feel like I'm a four year old kid

and you're my mom but then I was like this is really making a difference like the low key things that are really making a difference in your life. You're like, I would have never. I was, I just had 30 things piled up on a chair in the corner of my room. I never even thought about hanging them up.

Now my mind is free and clear. Because I've sweatshirts hanging in my closet. Okay, real talk. My ex and I used to work with the cartel. I'm not even going to lie. This is why I'm not with my ex anymore. However, we supplied a product to the cartel. And then, I mean, we had other distributors, but once, you know, that transaction was complete, you know, we had a lot of sex on top of around the product that we delivered.

So, yeah, fuck that guy. But it was a core memory. I feel like the FBI is going to knock on my door. You ever hear something or you're around something that you know you shouldn't be around? You feel like you're going to get sniped through a window. Okay. Yeah, you kind of have to date those people that are going to, like, destroy your whole entire life for a second. Just, just like for the bit, you know.

And you know you shouldn't be. Every relationship you've ever been in, you know you shouldn't be. Is it so true? Every time I'm like, should I do this? I'm like, nope, I shouldn't. You just got to go with your gut. And every time my gut's like, absolutely not. But I'm like, yeah, sounds good to me.

Every single one, I'm like, nope. Wouldn't be a good thing to do. Next day. Pick you up at eight. For the bits, for the bits, for the bit. Every single thing is for the bit. Why did you, the bit? You're always like doing a bit.

It's my life. It's our life. Our life is the bit. My ex used to make the most delectable shepherd's pie. And she also used to suck it until it took. turned purple. So there's that. I think about it every Thanksgiving.

Thanks. Bye. Love you, man. Love that. I feel like it's a kind of a he only calls in a few times,

you know what I mean? But he makes them count. Shepherds pie never had it, but God, dang, it's so not. Oh, I just thought of something.

Memory Unlocked. Shepard's Pie is one of those things that like That's some girlfriend stuff right there Like you're not eating Shepard's pie If you're not dating a girl You're just eating the same thing every day That guys eat But you meet a girl all the sudden

Oh my God I have like this really good Shepard's Pie recipe Can I make it for you? And you're like I guess Now your favorite thing is Shepard Pie Now Shepard Pie Lives rent free in your head Every Thanksgiving.

I don't even know Shepard's Pie was a Thanksgiving thing Yeah there is that though, you know. Till it turns purple, you dog. You dog. I mean, it's the first thing, it's the first thing you want to do when you see somebody that you like. Till it turns purple. Till the room smells. All right. Hey. Easy. Easy. Till, till the room smells like shepherd's pie. Girls are so good at making food. Okay, girl I dated. Crazy. Crazy. I look you know you shouldn't be dating this person

you know you shouldn't be dating her if you look like absolute crap during the relationship you ever go back to like through your camera roll you know you know your camera or your Apple photos or whatever will like bring up memories and you're like God I look like crap is when you're in that relationship with her

Ew skinny beard I was vegan. What am I doing? Like nobody tells you you shouldn't be in that relationship more than your body. God, I look like crap. But it was Thanksgiving. And I was, for some reason I was vegan. This girl made a whole vegan Thanksgiving.

Vegan lasagna, vegan that vegan. It was all fire. I was like, God, for me, you must love me. You have to love me. If you made a vegan lasagna for me, I don't even know why I'm vegan and she just made it. 100% effort. 100% intensity.

Execution? Unbelievable. I was so excited every day. Because you know, lasagna will last you like three or four days. So day two lasagna, I got like half a pan. I'm about to just smash after work. or something. Thinking about that all day.

I miss her. My ex-husband used to do all the cleaning and shopping, but he would steam clean the carpet in the entire house. We lived in a three-level townhouse. It was motherfucking wall-to-wall carpeting, except for the bathrooms in the kitchen. And he would just do it. And like every other week, he would practically do that. I thought, thank God I don't have to do that.

I hire somebody now to do my own house, but that was one thing he did. Beautiful. And I bet you stayed with him for like a year, even after you didn't like them. Because those carpets were spotless. Spick, span. Can't teach that, man. That is kind of the way to a woman's heart that I'm starting to figure that out. Starting to figure it out.

The way to a woman's heart is just kind of like keeping everything really clean. You keep, yeah, dude, if she leaves and you clean the whole apartment, like I'm talking extra effort on your hands and knees, steam in the carpets, dust and stuff that you've never even thought about dust. I'm talking about the top of the fridge.

What? You know, like guys are like, oh my God, like she made like, she made me dinner and like, you know, she like gave me top. but girls are like you know he dusted the top of the TV and lit a candle

it's kind of all they want you know kind of a low-key move right there boys write that down write that down write that down write that down stuff I should do for my girl steam clean the carpets when she leaves this right here's a penny dropper When all the dirt's going up that hose in the carpet This right here's a penny drop

What did my ex do that I liked? She broke up with me And not on a reality show Wow, why did I say that? How is that relevant? Huh, weird. I don't know why that came to my brain. No, one thing my ex did is that,

she left me the fuck alone. She left me paying all the bills. No. Yeah, we had a weird relationship and it wasn't good. But, I mean, she left me alone during the week. And, I mean, that's better than bothering the shit out of me during the week. I mean, leaving somebody alone is better than being a pain in the ass. Like my bra state

Hey Thumbs up Oh god right here Just right in there Hey No butts about it Oh god Jesus

No if ands or butts about it Right Right right right This guy can't be serious I don't know I don't know if I trust it That's my dream build your dream girl

girl that just doesn't talk to me for a whole month but then I'd get suspicious too like that's what I want but then I'm like wait what is she doing then you know like in a perfect world

I'm like God can I just have a you know you're like in the thick of a relationship and you're like if I could just have a day to myself where I can just like get all this stuff done no distraction and then you get that day

and you're like well what is she doing you know now you're like Hold on. What are you up? What are you up to? What are you doing? Are you just,

what are you doing all day then? If I'm, if you're not talking to me, what are you doing? I'm an idiot. But that is the ideal relationship. I would have to do that. Then I'd be like,

are you secretly mad at me? Because I asked for like a day off. I asked for a bye week. Relationships should have buy weeks. Yo, hey, this week. Hey, we're off. You know what I mean? Just.

Shoulder pads. helmet week. We're not low contact. We're getting healthy for next week. You know what I'm saying? We're tagging off. We're not taking each other to the ground. This is this is half pads. Pro pads, we're doing a lot of stretching, watching a lot of film, a bye week in a relationship. Just give me a week to get my life together. There's never been a time when my life has like actually, I feel like it's like I'm checking things off a list when I'm in a relationship. It's never happened.

I'm like halfway do everything when I'm in a relationship. It's because you're with the wrong girl. Probably my fault. Whoops. Hey, Benny. I don't have anything for this week, but I just wanted to hop in and say, have a great day. My heart's singing right now. Singing. Can you even imagine?

You know how much that means? Nobody does stuff like that. Especially like just a little bit of effort, leaving a voice message on a podcast. Like it seems so annoying. Took three seconds. And that goes out to everybody. That's just not for me. It's for the whole fam.

She said, have a great day. Wanted to hot bin and say, have a great day. It does help, you know. I almost started crying and you heard it in my voice. Dude, my ex made two really good things. The first one was this coffee cheesecake, which was phenomenal. And then she also made this lasagna. God, dang it.

It had like a kick to it where it was a little bit different because she was Filipino. It was awesome. Yes, sir. Yeah, I hate to just be such a guy. Hey, are in the kitchen? But like girls are just is literally the way to a man's heart, I think, is just food.

It's so good. And even when a girl's like, I don't cook. I'm so like, I don't know why I just love you even more now. When a girl makes food, it just means so much. If a girl made me a peanut butter and jelly, I'd be like, oh my God. Come here. I can't even eat this.

Just come here. It just means so much. Girl makes you one peanut butter and jelly doesn't even cut it. Coffee cheesecake? Ah, man. Where did she learn how to make cheesecake from? When do girls find the time? Is it in your DNA?

to just, yeah, I could, let me just whip up this cheesecake one day. You had to learn it from your mom or something, right? Recipe books. Remember your mom used to have a recipe book? Are those still floating around anywhere? Where did those go? My mom used to have like a three ring five star binder with recipes in it. That many.

Like 56, maybe 72, maybe 84 recipes in that thing. Aunt Teresa's corn beef cabbage I'd be like gosh now you just go on the internet and kind of look for one I guess the days when when like you had a special family recipe

then that person like dies and you pass it on oh my god like I remember my grandma like passed away my grandma's the king of meatballs everybody's grandma is the low key but like you know what I'm saying like you just nobody does it that. And it's got like the lore throughout your family, your whole life. Oh my God. Like sometimes

it would, it would take us there. You know what I mean? We'd be like, I don't know if we want to go there for like Memorial Day to my grandma's house. My dad'd be like, yeah, but those meatballs, I'd be like, oh, he's kind of right. And I didn't even know if I liked them, but I was just like going along with that. I was like, she is the queen of those meatballs. She dies. Now my aunt's like the meatball lady meatball mom meatball bitch now it's all about

Aunt Nina's meatballs all of a sudden and hers got a little different kick to it and I'm like yo I think these might be better it just keeps passing down who's next who's next in line who's taking over the crown

meatball queen okay this is a true story it dropped it if I'm lying to you So about five years ago, six years ago, I was just dating this guy who, he was a really masculine guy, right? Really manly. Like, talk like this and like, like, hey, nice to meet you. You really like gruff and like always had like a mysterious scowl on his face, right? The muscles, the tat, like the, I don't think he had tattoos, but he had like a chain around the neck, like very like.

Very that, right? But one thing that I really liked about him was the ability to hit a high note. And so, you know, when we were doing our thing and it was time for him to finish. Oh, okay. He would straight up go, I swear to God, it was a little shocking in the moment because it was like, whoa. Did we hit a speed bump? What the fuck? Yeah, so that was something I really liked about him.

His ability to break glass with his voice. That's so personal. I love this, man. Hey, that's why we do anonymous. You don't have to be anonymous, but these type of questions, anonymous hits. That's so funny. Yeah, that first time straightened you right out, huh?

Didn't know what hit you that first time. That is kind of a wild card when it comes to, you know, doing that. You never know what a guy's going to, like, what noise is he about to make? Oh. Oh my God, I'm about to, because she's so high, high above me. She's so lovely. man what a wild card and you'll never know you'll never hear that sound yo that's just what I sound like I'm like type of shit

that's a very interesting thing and that really will keep you with somebody for a minute you know just like stuff like that that like personal like bedroom type of I don't like her anymore, but Lord have mercy. I can't get enough of that. I can't get enough of that. High note. Heart just dropped in my stomach because I had a flashback.

When I'm with somebody, all I think about is you. When I'm all alone, that's what I want to do. I'm just my business and my sidekick. Out of town business all the time we spend together. I'm going to get you out of my system. You know what you do to me. You don't even understand. Damn.

Oh, this thing's on. I'm going to go a little off the cuff here for the question because my exes are my exes for a reason. And don't really recall anything I loved, like, that I should share here. But I will say something that was pretty amazing that happened to me and, like, take notes, men, because this was like, wow. I was in between relationships. No tap. Get it out. We'll just say I was in between relationships.

And this guy was, we were, like, in the pursuing. stages. So it wasn't really my boyfriend, but like, you know, we had been on many a date. And we were at a bar and there was this guy there singing on the mic. And at one point in the night, he was asking for requests from people at the bar. So the guy I was with like went up and said something. And I was like, you requested a song. He's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. So like five minutes later, the singer dude comes over and passes the mic to the guy I was with. And I was like, what are you doing? Oh. Like nothing.

And then he just starts singing to me. And in the middle of a packed, packed, peak pack time. Ball or move. Start singing to me, Elton Johns, your song, which was like, I'm not like a romantic person. I just have, like, issues with that. It was so romantic and, like, so great that by the end of him singing this to me, I felt like I was on the bachelor's. I felt like I was the damn bachelorette.

By the end of him. singing this to me. Like the whole bar was mesmerized by the both of us, well probably by him. And everyone was like coming up to him and us afterwards being like, you guys are the cutest couple. We weren't even like fully dating. Anyway, where's he now? Married with kids. He scared me. After that, I got a little scared and I haven't talked to him since. Okay. Okay. Player move. if you really want to lock it down, boys, play your move. It's just a shame that some guys are just in, I want to lock it down mode.

And the girls are like, I'm not really trying to lock it down mode. Some guys are so, they want a wife so hard. Like, they want a wife a girl. Like, they'll do it in two weeks. I'm like, how are you so sure? That would scare me too.

How are you so sure about me? Dang. Like, you kind of don't even care. But if you're, like, dating for, like, a year, you know, and the girl's kind of about it, maybe even two years, and you bust that out? A year, after dating for a year, and she, like, kind of, she knows you can kind of sing or whatever.

You, like, talked about it before. She's never really heard you do it because you don't do it. You know, you don't do it anymore. You just used to be, like, a choir kid, you know? theater kid whatever oh my god you can like kind of thing and then you pull that that player

moot packed restaurant I don't think anything will like validate a relationship more than somebody random coming up to you being like you guys are so cute that'll get me I think that gets like women a lot because it's like why we are

because you just need to hear it because it's like are we happen to me hey at a rave I don't know if you can tell who I'm talking about or not but just some random lady who's like you guys are so cute I was like oh I guess we're okay okay type I guess we are I guess we are

okay but yeah coming on too strong like that early in their relationship how can guys not feel it I'm like dude this isn't the time if anything slow play like for as long as possible hey relationships need a little four play too just keep it going smooth. You don't got to miss each other a little bit.

Second date, Elton John. From the day we arrived on a planet. Can you imagine? Sing Circle of Life at an Applebee's. Happy hour? No, they're slammed. They're slammed. Valentine's Day.

Circle life. It's the wheel of fortune. Is the leap of fate. You got a sample platter in front of you. From the mozzarella stew to the potato skins. It might be even more like dope if you couldn't sing and you did that.

Girls love that, dude. When you just pull up and you just like, do something crazy. And it doesn't even need to be like, you don't even need to be that good, but it is kind of the thought. If you're good, it takes it over the top and it's like a sexy, like romantic. Oh my God. But if you're not even good, forget it, man.

Just do it anyway. Remember when he like saying that song, the other was so funny. He's so bad, but it was like cute. And the butchon, hey so do. Keep going. The circle of apps. What up. So something that I liked that my ex used to do was she would pop the pimples on my back.

Whoa. And I couldn't reach or like find some type of pimple on me. And she would say like, I need to pop that. And I'm actually a popple, a pimple popper myself. So I actually enjoy it. But those ones that you can't reach, you always need someone to do it for you because you still kind of feel it and you're like just release the juices out of that motherfucker so I can be comfortable and she just loved doing it like finding any little blackhead

or you know white head whatever it was she would pop it and the funny thing is my wife now wouldn't touch a pimple with a 10 foot pole and I asked her before I'd be like hey can pop this pimple on my back and she'd just be like in disgust and gross and be like no and then like you know you're trying to freaking get it but you're freaking can't reach So yeah, I mean, I need a pimple popper still. I've never met a girl that doesn't want to do that. I think that's like half the reason they're dating is to do stuff like that. Matter of fact, I'm kind of that girl when I'm in a relationship.

I swear I plucked this girl. I dated this girl in college and she was like, can you do my eyebrows? And I was like, this is, this literally melts my heart. You know the weight of my heart, babe. Pinder down. my face was this close to her face like this on the ground honestly the the hottest

one of the hottest things I've ever done yeah but if I have a zit on my back or something or on my shoulder I'm like I'm saving this for my girlfriend like this isn't for me this this happens so we can become closer this right here the gods put this the Zit gods did this for us

I don't know if I could trust A girl that doesn't want to do that. You don't want to pop my zits? That's not even in the same realm as like farting, you know? I was trying to think of a different name for farting. Just could not think of one. Just got a craving for jelly. What are we doing?

What are we doing? My ex was a very, very sweet guy who kept his own garden. And he had actually built raised garden beds himself and grew all of his own vegetables. and then he would cook all of our food from scratch with homegrown ingredients. And he was just an absolute sweetheart, gentle soul of a guy. And still, to this day, some of the best pasta I ever had. It's always food. Class class.

Chouts out to you, Mark. I'll never forget that pasta. I miss it. Still in love. I mean, like a guy like that must have died or something because you got to hang with, bro. making food from scratch from a garden Who's got the time? Mark

If you're a guy that has a garden and you're making pasta from scratch in it you got to figure it Yep you've done all you need to do and now your life is just growing vegetables in a garden wow

that's when you know you like you've accomplished your goals like if I'm ever if I ever have a garden like all right I did something like okay like he he's yep he's to the point where yeah he feels good about himself he has a garden there's a couple things that guys do and it's like all right they they like they've moved on you know they they accomplished the things they need to accomplish in their life and now they're doing this it's when they like fix up an old car if a guy's just fixing up a car it's just like you're just doing

it, man. You're just living. You're living the way you want to live. But guys, a garden, you're living the way you want to live. Low-key kind of coaching like a youth sports team. Just doing what you want to do, bro. Hay's in the barn. You put it all out there, bro. Now it's time to live your life. Made a garden. Making food from scratch.

What's my thing going to be? Once I'm like, you know what? Yep, that's it for me. What am I going to do? Just Twitch stream like NCAA football 2006. Maybe I'll just eat cinnamon rolls all day. Wait, that cinnamon roll guy on the internet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Used to be who's buying this guy? Now he just eats cinnamon rolls all day. Maybe that'll be my thing. That was beautiful. One more. Headstrong to take on anyone. Wait, is this thing on? My bad brother.

I really love the question this week. Got an answer for you. Sorry, I've been MIA as well. I've been ripping skin grafts off my taint and taping them to my head so that I can have more hair. But anyhow, what's the thing my ex did that I actually liked? Leave it to me. Got to get all inappropriate and everything. But it is a little sexual.

And she's the only person that's ever done it, and I'm too afraid to ask again. When we be like hooking up, she just slipped a finger up my age and and I really, hey, I really liked it. And, uh, you know, there's rumors about, you know, the guys and, and what's up the aish and everything. And I think I can confirm. I think I can't confirm. That's really it, though.

Other than that, she was a total bitch. Also, you know, not that hot. Anyways, don't put this on the podcast. This was just personal. Definitely do not put this on the podcast. Please. Sky. never happened to me either can't teach that there's never been an instance where that's

ever happened i think it would be a little distracting honestly like i'm not even that i got to be locked in you know then you do you throw that curveball at me it's going to be it's going to be a lot of we got to do a lot of like um zoning you know i got to really really get in my zone. I don't think it would unless I offer it up. I have offered it up before. Mm-hmm.

College girl. Can I like see it? I was like, you do whatever you want. Got on all fours. She stared down the barrel. Didn't put it in, but wow. She saw it. She saw it all.

Never forget. It's just trying to make her comfortable, you know? That's just what we're trying to do. out here. It's what we're trying to do out here, man. Days of the week. Here we go. Today, Thursday, multiple personality day. I think in this day and age,

I think my whole life I'd have, I've had multiple personalities. And I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing, but like, you just play a different role around different people, you know? I think you have to kind of navigate it like that. but I was always kind of like, man, should I be the guy that's like always the same guy

or like, you know, sometimes around like, you're like you're not the same person around your mom as you are around your dad, right? Like, you know, it's just like a different vibe. Some people don't deserve to see like certain sides of you. I think that's, you got to like, you know, protect yourself. But I always thought about that.

I'm like, I'm a little, I'm like this guy around these friends and I'm like this guy around these friends. Like, should I not be that? But I'm like, it's just like, it's just, dude, you got to know your spot on the team, bro. I don't know. Multiple personality day. Right?

Like totally different guy. Like, you're hanging out with your girl the whole day. You're hanging out with your homie the whole day. You're like, I mean, there's a little bit of crossover, but come on. Slam the scam day. My God. I mean, we can talk. scams all day on this. This is kind of a scam podcast. We're kind of outing the big dogs on this pod.

And I can't believe people don't notice when there's a scam. I'm like, you're really doing that? You don't know that that's a scam? It's absolutely insane. Hey, slam the scam day. Chiropractors? That's a scam. Crack your back. Yeah, come see me every Thursday for the rest of the year and I'll just do the same thing on you. You can't tell me that chiropractors changed your life It's not even real Bang energy Dubai chocolate

Protein If I saw someone eating protein chips I'd be like you really You really got got You really don't think that's a scam You can't see through the lines here Peptides Get in the wool pulled

Girl Scout cookies Scam St. Jude's Children Hospital please it's just the way they go about it oh you just paid for all your groceries now do you want to donate oh how convenient of you to ask for free money

you want free money oh hey that's so and that's the timing is just absolutely a coincidence huh yeah sure here's five dollars St Jude Children's Hospital out of here

anything in the middle of the mall scam a clock the malls are really just all the scam a little bit aren't they damn there's some stores though some stores are the realest bath and body works what bath and body works

may be holding down every single mall in America I think it's the pillar yep the foundation of every mall just run through bath and body works I actually I've never seen a mall with that one. They ain't lying.

Sometimes I'll just go in there to wash my hands. That's when you know you've been to the mall too much when you have little tricks at stores. Like, well, I want to go to the mall, you know, and get a little sample at Auntie Anns. I'll wash my hands and bath and bodywork. And I'll try and abroad Victoria's Secret. Look in the mirror, take pictures, take it off,

and pretend like it. That never happened. Never done that. I've never done that. What a scary place to walk into Victoria's Secret. The girl greets you at the door, you're like, I feel so illegal to be in there as a guy. To even look in there, I'm like, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Call the horny police. He looked inside Friday.

Spray tan day. Not doing the spray anymore. Hitting the bulbs, the OG bulbs hopping in the air fryer. God, it feels good. Just not having to worry about staining sheets. not having to worry about not evening out your tan not having to worry about being

blotchy not having to worry about staining clothes yeah the bulbs are kind of bad for you but are they guy gets cancer in two weeks what? Saturday lapjack day

stop it though stop who runs the days of the week calendar do you think they know that I do this and they just litter it with food and there's getting me. Flapjack.

There's a difference between a flapjack and a pancake. A flapjack is like, I'm being out of commission for a couple hours after I eat this. Flapjack is like, you know,

those things are thick. You might not even need more than one. A flapjack is like, you know, this is like a, an event. Pancakes are like, all, let's eat pancakes. Then what's the next thing we're doing?

Flab jacks are like, oh, I don't even, I don't know, I haven't thought about what we're doing after this. Like, let's just tackle this. And then what happens, happens. Because flab jacks are, I feel like I have to put on a flannel shirt. Deep flap. Flab jacks, that thing's soaking up syrup. If your basements flooded, you could throw a flapjack down there.

Flabjacks are essentially eating a sham. Wow. With blueberry. Dude, I don't even know how you eat a normal pancake after you eat a blueberry pancake. So there's pancakes on the menu. There's a regular one and a blueberry one and you're not going to get the blueberry one?

What happened? What happened to you as a child? Those chocolate chip ones, though. I mean, those, that's some late night pancakes. You wake up and eat a chocolate chip pancake? That's what I'm doing. That's what I'm doing. Hey, when I, when everything's, when all the hay's in the barn for me,

I've accomplished my goals. You'll know when I wake up at 8.30 a.m. and eat a chocolate chip pancake. Some people are planting, some people are watering their gardens and making pasta from scratch. Some people are building cars, rebuilding engines of old cars. I'll be eating a chocolate chip pancake with that square of butter on top. Sunday, proofreading day. The hardest thing I've ever done in my life, I think, is write a paper and then you've got to read the whole thing after. The hardest thing I've, for some reason, I just can't get myself to watch, listen, or reread anything I've ever done.

I'm like, God, this is going to kill me. You've got to do it. But, I mean, performing stand up for 50 minutes and then watching it back, I mean, it is like, it's one. one of those things that you really have to like man up. Like I have to give myself a talk in the mirror to do it. Why is it the hardest thing of all time? And especially re-listening to a lot of deep breaths before that. I'll clean a whole entire house.

I'll power wash a deck. I'll steam clean the carpets before I re-listen to myself, do comedy. I just can't. I'm like... This is going to take all of me. Even like watching a foot, like watching film from a football game, I couldn't really do that either in college.

They'd be like, absolutely not. God, the last thing I want to see is me running on film. Ew. Change your life though, if you can get past that. Rereading in an email?

I guess that's like all we do now. You ever type an email and you're like, you type it out because you're going to send it and you're like, I'll just like let this cook. I'll come back to this in like an hour. that's what I'm like, if I have to respond to an email, I'm like, I'm going to type it and then like, I can't send something like Bing Bang. You know what I mean? Like they email me. I can't email them

back in like the next two minutes. It's just too soon. I'm like, I got to think of some, like, I know I'm missing something. If I, if I answer in two minutes, I'm going to forget four things. So I just like, I let it hang for like, you know, like an hour. Then I'm like, oh yeah, yeah, this thing. I want to say that. This thing I want to say that. But you type out that reply and then you look at it a day later and you're like, did I write that? I was going to send that? Oh my God.

Think about how many typos and like, that's another thing I want to ask God when I get to heaven. You know, how many times did I send an email that had like a completely weird line in it that I didn't see? Because I didn't prove read it. How many typos did I just send out there and just no, like nobody told me and I didn't even see it? Never forget, man.

Or like you send an email. It pisses me out. this makes me so mad. You send it, you send a reply back on an email. And like you copy and paste it something into your reply. And it all looks good on your end. You're like,

okay, perfect, boom, send. And then it sends and you look through the email thread and like all your formatting is off. Like one of the lines of your email, the text is like gray.

You're like, what? Like it's a, it's so dead obvious that you like copy and paste it something from like a few email. It doesn't even matter, but I'm like, why is this so embarrassing? Like, yo, can we get the formatting down a little bit? Like, what? Ew. There's like a gray, like, shadow behind one of the lines of my email. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm a fraud, dude. I'm a scam. Like, why wouldn't Gmail just like,

yo, we'll make it all one color. It's just one of the, a, the font's bigger on one of the, oh. Did a seventh grader write this email? Coach Piquot of the week. Three key words to success. Do it anyway. Do it anyway. Oh, this, that I can't be cut. It happened to me today.

I was like, I got to record this podcast before a certain time. And I don't have time to get on the Stairmaster. I don't have time. It takes 10 minutes. It's going to throw everything off. I was just like, man, just do it anyway. Did it anyway? listen to my set from the night before on the Stairmaster.

And I prayed. Just 10 minutes, man. Do it anyway. Do it anyway. No complaints. No excuses. It's the only way you ever accomplish anything. True.

All right, y'all. Love you. Love the voice messages. Hey, love the honesty. Love the vulnerability of the family. Shorty that didn't even have a story, but just said have a nice day. Real ones. Love you guys, for real.

See you next week. Gonna cry.