Espresso - thing your ex told you you'd never forget

Episode Date: December 12, 2024

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Okay, I'm trying. I'm being very vulnerable right now. You know, I don't Know this is going but I want to see where it goes And she goes hey, it's okay Just trust me on this Get the chilies too for 20. Shut up. Shut up And it changed my life Can't stop won't stop changing the goodness cuz we we get down baby we get down Espresso podcast shot 3045

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or at benedictpolizzi.com. But Indy, mommy's coming home, live podcast with Joey Molinaro is gonna be so sick. Oh my God, it's gonna be a dream. Remember to watch me on FBoy Island and Love or Some Liars on the CW app. Don't know if I've ever told you guys I've been on a reality TV show

or built my whole entire personality around it. Don't know if I've done that. guys I've been on reality TV show or built my whole entire personality around it Don't know if I've done that but watch it if you haven't it's good And Nikki Glitch is the host. She's so funny Tell your homies to join the patreon five dollars a month get every ups every other espresso episode and a live stream at the end of every single week and So episode and a live stream at the end of every single week. And Merch Benedict Merch, I'm not saying that there's new merch on Benedict Merch. I would never I would never say that. I would never say there's.

New merch at Benedict Merch, if there wasn't, there's definitely not new merch on Benedict Merch. I come is all I'm saying, definitely not brand new merch that I've been talking about for the past year on Ben and Merch.com. Check it out if you dare. Let's get to it. The espresso. Quick, quick, quick question of the week. You know, what's the thing your ex told you that you'll never forget? It doesn't have to be bad.

It doesn't have to be like, can you believe it? It's just something that you're like, god damn, I never thought about that. Like for me, one time my ex was like, we're talking about something back and forth and she was like, yeah, coming from the guy that can't straighten out his pinky fingers. And I was like, oh my god, I thought I was the only one. Bro, I just, like what an observation. I love that. Maybe that's the next espresso question.

What's like your observation that like about anything that you know? No one else has like that's a crazy take because I've only noticed that like two times I'm like I never been my pinky finger like I just don't I don't know if like I don't know if like my My receptors don't go all the way there, or I think I'm just a lazy bitch But she was like yeah, you never straighten out your pinky fingers. And I'm like, who's noticing that? So funny to me. Think about it every day.

Think about it every time I see my lazy pinky. Oh, lazy pinky. Lieutenant lazy pinky's coming to town. But what's the thing your ex told you that you'll never forget? I cannot wait. Sarah, babe. I don't know about told me that I never forget, but something he taught me that I'll never forget is how to squirt. And every time I do since then, I fucking think about his ass

and I fucking hate his ass. But I guess I gotta be grateful. That shit changed my fucking life. And guess what? You're still in love. You're still in love. Tell me you're in love without telling me you're in love. If you say you hate your ex like that, did you hear that hate?

That hate is that since then, I fucking think about his ass and I fucking hate his ass. No one says no one has ever said love more clearly than that. Hate. You love him. What a moment. What a moment. Yeah, I mean You're never gonna get that again. Everybody has that moment. That romantic little moment that you you know, you get a little flashback. Oh

romantic little moment that you you know you get a little flashback. Oh, shit. Is that like 3 30 p.m. on a Tuesday just sitting there looking at the wall. Dude, it always happens when I'm working out. Be having flashbacks and I'm like damn if you guys could read my mind right now, you'd be like you're insane. Just sitting on the end of a bench staring at the mirror. Not even at myself though just staring at the mirror. Not even at myself though, just staring at the mirror but it's like looking at the ceiling and I'm like,

wow, I can't believe that happened. Oh yeah, I better like finish up this set. Like 14 people are waiting on the bench behind me. Yeah. I mean, you might as well just get married to him because that's not ever getting out of your head shorty Okay, so one time I'm breaking up with this girl right we sit down. I tell her hey, it's over. I'm sorry It's not working out. She goes fine. Whatever You have weird balls anyway. Oh

And dude to this day. Oh, man I'm still googling pictures of normal balls just to try and make myself feel like okay, I'm still Googling pictures of normal balls just to try and make myself feel like, okay, I'm okay. Every day. It's fucked with my body image so much on the way out. That's five years ago, true story. Her name's Ashley.

And if she knew this was still fucking with my head, she would be so happy. Damn, man, it's always happening when you're breaking up. Why is that? I was breaking up with a girl one time in high school and it was in my car. Man, how many breakups happened in cars? Dude, your car? Dude, if my car could talk.

Oh, if my high school car could talk. Oh my God. Me and this girl breaking up right outside of her house in my car We're just doing it. I don't know why but then we just start roasting each other But she told me my breath smelled and every single second I Now think about mints Every second. I'm like I have to have the worst worst breath of all time has to be. Has to be. I'll never, I'll never not and every time, every time I get a mint, every time I

Every time I use a Listerine strip and put it on the back of my tongue and it burns all my taste buds off. And it sticks to the top of my mouth. Oh my god, he still uses Listerine strips. Yes, Ashley. They still sell them. Every time I brush my tongue and choke myself, ah, ah, ah, ah, and wake up everyone in my apartment complex, ah, ah, ah, ah,

started brushing my tongue because of her. I wonder the things that I've said to people that stick in their head, probably absolutely nothing. Not memorable, but yeah, everybody has one thing from their ex. It's always when you're breaking up and all the truth comes out. Every time I whisper on this podcast,

I'm like, they could probably smell my breath. Just keep going. I caught my ex cheating. And when I confronted him about it, he said, don't get me wrong, you are the on paper, you are the most perfect guy, any guy would be lucky to have you. But you're just not committable. And when I asked him what he meant by committable, he said, you're just not the type of person that somebody's gonna commit to.

Oh. At least not long term anyway. God, that'll hurt so bad. But that kind of honesty will change your life. You need somebody to tell you that. Or else who's, nobody's doing it. Nobody's doing it, you gotta have. So that's why every time a girl's like,

oh my God, you wasted my time in this relationship. Like, yeah, well, I'm about to say some things to you as we're breaking up that you're never gonna forget and it's gonna make you a better person even though you're gonna hate me, AKA love me for the rest of your life. Not committable. Yeah, there are some people, me,

who are not committable people. I don't know. Like, you just gotta hit a certain age to be committable and you can tell when people are. Usually every girl, every girl kind of is that I've ever been with. I'm like yeah. It's the guys that aren't committable. Every girl though that I've ever dated I'm like I mean I feel like we could like you know if I really if we really wanted to it'd be tough but we like you know I mean we could like we could figure it out but I'm always like nah not committable.

Yeah he might have been just trying to... Is uncommittable even a word? Did he just make a word up to break up with you? Guys are uncommittable. I think every girl can commit. You just kind of got to like... You just got to figure them out for a little bit first. You got to really want it.

Doesn't want it. So my mom is 100% German and then my dad is 100% black. So I am biracial aka German chocolate. So I was dating this guy, we weren't even exclusive boyfriend girlfriend. And after like, I don't know, three months, probably. My gosh, she was in high school. So like three months felt like what a year. My god, every day. Talking, dating, all that. Then, you know, after a while, I started dating another guy.

So the first guy that I dated, he was black. And then the second guy I dated was white. And that first guy that I wasn't really even exclusive with, we were just like talking dating, he called me a traitor. Oh, okay. He literally called me a traitor. Fast forward like 10, 12 years, he married a white girl and has biracial babies like I am. So I found that very ironic and I will never forget that he called me a trader. How can I be a traitor? I'm both

So true She switch hits people she's batting righty and lefty Rosa can you say Native American giver Yeah, that's what he is. That's crazy. I wonder in high school to a trader. I think it's impressive. No such thing as being a trader when it comes to that, like you just got your

you just got your race, you just got your cultural usage up. That's all that is. That's so insecure. German chocolate though. Made me so hungry. All he thinks about is food. My ex told me that I'll never find anyone because I have such a flat chest. Well jokes on him because I got breast

implants and my husband loves them. At, say his username. Hey uh same. I pretty much got fake boobs on my head. It's just how it goes down. You got that one little insecurity, I pretty much have two boob jobs on my head right now. Not that it matters, I did it for me. What an amazing thing, that a girl can just go to Turkey, come back and just 50 million dudes DM her immediately Hey, not the same for guys

Gets a hair transplant comes back Just three random dudes in my DMS that are like yo, so where'd you go to get that done nobody cares All about it though, I'm all about it. Husband likes it. All about it. Who doesn't? I kind of set myself up for this one but I asked my ex if he thought I was intelligent. Oh my God. And he said, sometimes. Well, I mean, yeah. Dude, everybody's an idiot. Everybody's so stupid. That's one thing I've learned in my life.

One thing I know, I'm like, everybody is so dumb. But actually, everybody is also a genius at like one thing You know Like I'm good I can tell you a lot about like three things I can tell you a lot about sports uniforms I can tell you a lot about That's pretty much it. Okay, one thing. I can tell you a lot about spray tans. I can.

I know a lot about spray tans. And I can tell you a lot about working out. Maybe. Nah, not even that much. There's a handful of things. But everything else, pretty worthless, you know? Like I don't like people that know so much about everything. I'm like, so what are you a genie?

What's your genius level? Maybe that's the espresso question next week. What's your genius? Sports uniforms. That's it. I will run circles around you. Everything else, I mean, dude, I really don't know. And I don't care. This is the thing. So honestly, I don't really think he's he's that wrong.

Like intelligent. Yeah. But like, to what point? Like, because when it comes to some stuff, dude, I am so dumb. Movies? Hey, movies? Dumbest guy in the world. I love it so much now. Cause when somebody starts talking about a movie to me, they'll be like, well, you don't know.

And then they go to all the other people that they're talking to. I'm like, thank God. Well, you never mind. You don't, never mind. the other people that they're talking to. I'm like, thank God. Well, you never mind. You don't never mind. They just stop talking. They just know. I love it.

Are you intelligent? Maybe maybe about like hair straighteners. You know, that's cool. I'm cool with it. She knows about she knows about hair straighteners. Like you ever have that one friend that you text and you're like, oh, they'll know it, but you'll never text him about anything else. That's fine.

It's the people that know a lot about everything that I'm like, eh. So why do you work the front desk at an LA fitness, if you know all this? Smart ass. My husband and I were both told by our respective exes that we are too nice. And luckily we both dodged those bullets because now we're in a happy and healthy marriage. Wow.

I just think that if you're going around telling people that they're too nice, you should do some introspection and figure out why you have a problem with that. you should do some introspection and figure out why you have a problem with that. Sometimes I think I'm too nice. Because for some reason I just, I mean I'm mean on the inside. Everybody's a mean person on the inside and you know you are. Like the nicest people are probably like the people that could really ruin your life the most. I just don't think anybody can handle anything I really have to say about them.

So I'm like, I'm not going to say it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not even going to go there because like, what's going to happen? It's not worth it. That's that's me. Nice people, people that are always nice are just like, it's not worth it. It never is either. Nice people are just go about their day saying, shit, nah, not worth it. Shit, no, not even worth it.

Should I, no, actually, you know, it's not even worth it. Let's keep it to myself. Dude, the nice people just bite their tongue all day. Not gonna say it. Nope, not gonna say it. How you doing? Nice people are really not nice. Mean people are really not mean.

Everybody's the opposite. Um, I don't know. I don't know if I've talked about this, but like I was on a reality TV show called FBoy Island. All the F boys pretty nice. All the nice guys, biggest F boys I've ever been around my entire life. Besides me, obviously, because I was, you know, you guys know me. But every nice guy there, I was like, you're a hoe. And everybody knows.

Let's keep going. Hey, Benny. Oh my God. So something that an ex told me that I'll never forget. So do you know those houses that have like a big star on the front of them? It's usually like a big metal star. I dated a guy once that told me that if you see a house with the star on the front,

that means that the people that live there are swingers. Oh my God. And I'm super gullible, so I believed him. I would too. And then I remember we were like on a date or something We drove by house and I was like, oh look swingers and he was like, oh no, that was a joke. I Was kidding. So yeah, it was a joke. But now every time I see that yeah on a house. I'm like, oh they're swingers Love you. I love you. But I mean what but

It is amazing how many times you, how many times do you think you think of your ex during the day? And I know it's like not, I know I'm not, it's not a stretch. But like how many times did they cross your mind? You know? Especially those girls, you know those girls that have like a different boyfriend like

all the time? That is insane to me. How do you do that? Those girls that you like knew in high school or college that like actually had a different boyfriend like maybe every three months and you're like, like what did her parents think? What are her, her friends aren't like, yo, you can't just have another boyfriend. That's crazy. And they're always bringing them to their family stuff.

I'm like, don't you feel embarrassed that you're just another one? Like it's not cool. But how many times do you think of them a day? In like all of them. Every girl I've ever kind of dated, I think about them every day. I'm like, yeah. Because like little things you're like, oh, yeah. Remember that she said that? Right? I can't be, I'm not insane, right?

But like kind of a lot. Kind of a lot. I think if you don't think about your exes, you're like, there's something wrong with you. He's projecting and he's shutting down every other option. That's what he's doing. That's what his therapist is podcast therapist. You're like projecting and now you're, uh, accusing people of being insane if they don't do what you do. OK, Ashley, podcast therapist, we get it. But I think you I think everybody thinks about their ex, even if you're married.

That's why I can't get getting married like through my head. I'm like. Yeah, we can get married if you brainwash me before it. Don't know how that's going to go down for me, but. Yeah, I would totally believe that a star, you know, this big metal stars on houses, maybe that's just like a Midwestern suburb thing, but like like little neighborhoods outside of downtown will have like cool new houses that are like, oh, modern, and there'll be like a big metal star on the side, and I'm like, what is that there for? Swingers, God dang, that's like something

your parents make up when you're a kid, and they're just like saying it to you, so you shut up, but you think that for the rest of your life. That's your boyfriend, or your ex-boyfriend, that's what he did to you. I would have believed that in two seconds. I think I'm really gullible too cuz I just like I Give people the benefit of the doubt and I'm like, oh, yeah, I feel like I know nothing

So when somebody says something to me, I'm like, oh No, you obviously have to know more than me. I don't know anything When people think they know everything, I'm like, whoa. Or when people are like when people. Everything they say, they're like so confident in. I hate those people. Like, hey, can you just have a little leeway on one of your opinions? Hey, you're not you're everything you say is not the final answer.

Do those kind of people drive me nuts? I'm like, who do you think you are? This isn't a presidential debate, dude. Like no one's right about anything. Have you ever thought about that? No, for sure. Yeah, 100%. And it's like about the most like controversial thing, the most wishy washy.

Those type of people drive me insane. No. No, it's not right. I'm like, dude, shut up. Oh, my God. So so. No, it's not right. I'm like, dude, shut up. Oh my God. So, so, um, so confident for no reason. Who do you think you are? So it's day this girl who knew that she was going to break up with me after Christmas. So she purposely bought me all the wrong size clothes. Oh my God. Extra small or extra medium.. I don't know what's

the size. And then proceeded to tell me like, oh, she was going to return them for the correct sizes. But instead she just accepted my gift and broke up with me. So pretty diabolical shit, I gotta respect it. That sucks. God, I could never go all that way and do all those annoying things for somebody that I know I'm gonna break up with. Nah. If I knew I was gonna break up with a girl, I'd just be like, look, you just gotta tell them.

Cause once it's in your head, it's just gonna ruin you for the rest of time But to go the extra mile and buy clothes that don't fit for somebody give them to them I can't fake it I cannot fake it unless I'm on a TV show. I Cannot fake it It's just too mean And then like that person that you dated that you bottle the wrong size clothes for is just gonna talk shit about you for the rest of your life. A bad Yelp review? Forever. Can we normalize- normalize, here we go. Guy who says all the fucking most annoying words.

Can we normalize just like break up and give him five stars? I promise if a girl could light my house on fire, this is probably isn't good either, though. And if someone asked me about her, I'd be like, yeah, she's cool. Most of the time. I would never write her off. Because like, she probably was cool sometimes but dang. Buying all the wrong clothes just going out of your way to be so mean to somebody that

probably wasn't even that, like didn't deserve it, you know? And if they deserve it, you just don't ever talk to them again. I don't know. Look at me with all the relationship advice. Somebody put a bullet in my head. I will never forget when I asked my husband To tell me well, I was just like how do you live with yourself and feel good about yourself knowing the way that you cheat on me and just run around on our family and like don't even try to work at this.

And why, what is your point of keeping me around and not fully letting me go but not doing right? And he was like, you don't know that? And I was like, no, what? No, I'm asking you why. Oh God. And he told me, it's cheaper to keep her. Yeah. Right, you gotta get out of that.

That's low key your fault for staying in that as crazy. Ew. How do people go along with their day? Let it do. Da da da da da. I must I must have the craziest guilt ever. I think I have the most guilty conscience. Guy who can't speak.

Guy who has a podcast cannot speak. I couldn't even wake up the next day if I did something like that. Cheat on your girl? The next day? Bro, I would go to immediately, start crying. And homie, and you know about it? And you're just gonna let it keep happening? And he says, chamber to keeper. I hope you're not in that relationship anymore.

Ew, see ya. You see ya And it's a little rhyme that's a little fucking fun rhyme cheaper to keep her I Would do some bad. I would buy all the wrong clothes size for him now I wouldn't even I wouldn't spend a good damn time on that motherfucker That's that's pretty wild. You gotta get out, babe. You gotta go.

Like now, now. Like ten years ago. He not only said that I had a beautiful face, but he also said that I had a beautiful soul. And then he ghosted me a week later. Yeah that's what guy, I mean that's that's just guy 101 For guys being real nice to you watch out cuz he's gonna never talk to you again. God. I love it sometimes I just love guy brain Mm-hmm

Yep Beautiful soul you have a beautiful soul. You're not going to talk to me until 2047. Oh shoot. It's got to be so hard to date guys. No, I'm thinking about it. Because just so unpredictable. I think women you like kind of know what you're getting into.

You just got to, you just got to like, there's a, there's guidelines for dating a girl. Like you can't do this, this, that, this. You got to like, kind of like, you got to be all in for sure. If there's an ounce of you that isn't two feet in the bucket, bro. She's sniffing it out. It's gotta be so hard to date a guy because you never know. Unless the guy's just like, hi, hi, hunty. One of those guys, you know what I mean?

One of those guys, hi, hunty. That's just like a programmed robot. You don't want that either. Maybe you do. I think some girls do. Hunty, how was work, hunty? Uh huh. Uh huh. Surprise, we're going skiing this weekend, hunty. Shut up. I think some girls want guys like that.

Hi, hunty. I set up a photo shoot for our family, hunty. Like just no backbone. Yeah, that's that's rough for it when a dude gets to that point. But like in the day, sometimes I get why girls are like, I hate dating. Cause like every dude is like, whoa, what? Huh?

Especially me, huh? I had a boyfriend once tell me that scene, S-E-E-N was proper English. But the way he would use it was like, I seen you. Oh my God. I hate that. I hate that. I have seen this. I hate it. And he was adamant about it. Very adamant. Wild. Oh my God. I've never wanted it. Just I've never wanted to break up with your boyfriend more. It's so crazy.

When you text somebody and you realize how dumb they really are. You know. Like they'll like put a space in a word that you're like, what? that you're like, what? Yep, I've seen that before. B for separate words. I'm like, whoa, okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Just figured out how dumb you are

and now we gotta take a step back. Oh God. It's all in the pronunciation through text. So wild I've seen you do that. What saw You really have to have someone belittle you your entire life to learn anything because my sister's just

and belittle you your entire life to learn anything because my sisters just, honestly, if I ever said a word wrong, even on this podcast or even like just anytime, bro, just the hailstorm of hate until I wanna sleep in my bed in a curled up ball. Not making that mistake again. God, I used to always say something wrong. I probably still say a lot of things wrong. Bro, the way I would get checked as a kid for

saints, hey, one time, I think I've said this before, one time I instead of might as well, like I like I was homies with my friend forever, might as well, might as well, might as well, when he's saying it out loud, then he texts me and it's not might as well, it's mine, M-I-N-E, as well. Mine as well. You're literally the dumbest person. Dude, right that, that right then and there, I'm like, you gave me the ick, bro.

Right there, I'm out. You pronounce one word wrong. I'm like, see you never. Mine as well. Don't talk to him that much anymore. I'll never forget. How dumb you are. I've also probably said the worst, dumbest things.

How embarrassing is it when you like text someone the wrong thing and then you edit it on, you know, iPhone messenger messages, edit, make it right, resend it, it makes you look even dumber. I'm like I'd rather just been wrong. You always look at what somebody edited. You're like, oh my god, you're that stupid. Oh my god, you're that stupid. Like can we not just do we have to show what we put beforehand? Hey messenger, just Have a shorter memory. I hate that. Yeah. People that say seen it can't really we can't really talk. I really can't. I'm like wow oh my god I'm dating someone from Martinsville, Indiana.

Dude one girl I thought she was so pretty in college and I started texting her and she spelled so many words wrong I was like I literally I think I asked her because like at one point in my life I wasn't like very nice. I don't think I was just like I didn't I didn't know what was mean and what was nice I think I was just really honest. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings or anything, but I was just like You spell everything wrong And she did nothing changed. And I was like, I can't be seen with you.

Seen. I can't be saw with you. So what my ex told me for context purposes, I'm black and he was also black. But like right away, he broke up with me. He told me that he would never date another black female because I was just that traumatizing and horrific for his life. What a pussy. So to be fair, I'm pretty sure he did not date another black female for at least 15,

16 years easily. Oh my God. So whoopsies! Probably a good thing. You're so like traumatizing. Oh my god. Can we calm down on the word traumatizing? Trauma. Oh my god, like PTSD, like traumatizing, like trauma. My parents traumatized me shut up like you would have learned anything if they didn't traumatize you bro

traumatize me more it's the only way I'm gonna ever like succeed I need to be traumatized at all times for me to do any to succeed in anything please traumatize me it's so much fun being traumatized my parents traumatized me yeah well if they didn't you'd be this guy hi hunty like learn a lesson I miss being traumatized somebody traumatize. Put some respect on traumatizing. Somebody please traumatize me soon. Please, please, please traumatize me. Please my new kink.

I need to be traumatized. Wouldn't that be fun? Uh, yeah, I date this guy and he's really into being traumatized. So, yeah, he gets home for the night and I just throw him down the stairs and scream at him and he loves it. He tells me all the words he said wrong that day and I just make fun of him for it until he curls up in his bed. It's the only way you learn. Traumatize me. Everybody, everybody talks about their dad. Oh my God, my dad was like, he traumatized me.

Like, daddy issues. Well, well that's why you are the way you are. So shut up. It's a good thing. Hoochie wally wally, hoochie wang wang, hoo. Oh, this thing's on. My bad. Who, Chi Wally Wally, who Chi Weng Weng, who, oh, this thing's on my back. God, I love it. So one thing.

She gets it. That my ex said to me, I'll never forget, is that I'll marry you when pigs lie. Oh, bye. I know it sounds shitty, but in hindsight, hey, I dodged a bullet. He is an alcoholic, he's bipolar. Every guy?

He's got a kid. Oh God. He's got like three or four to your eyes. Bro, see ya. Hey, no thanks. I don't know what I was thinking. I don't know, I'm happy. Happy, cheers. It's every relationship, I'm't know. I'm happy. I'm happy.

Cheers. It's every relationship, I'm telling you. Every time you break up with somebody, a year later, you're like, what was I doing? Has anyone ever, I think I said on the last podcast, has anyone ever broken up with somebody and regretted it No, every time you break up with somebody you look back at it and you're like what? Worst version of myself every time I'm dating someone. I don't know why it's cuz you date the wrong people. Well, I Don't know what to do about that

Worst version of myself. Don't like the way I'm living. Don't like the way I'm eating. And you can always tell by your body, bro. If you look like crap. And you're sick and you're pale. Dude, you got to break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It's just, dude, it's your literally your body is looking at you

in the mirror being like, hey. If you don't see it, I don't know what to tell you. Just your body alarm being like, break up with this person, but every time I date somebody, I look like crap. Just completely, that's probably a me thing. I look like crap. Just completely. That's probably a me thing. I just let myself go, bro. And you're probably like, whatever.

No, I really do. Dude, one time I needed to break up with this girl so bad, I started I was vegan. Even my own dad was like, what happened? Dude, random people are coming up to me like, you good? Hey, did you get COVID? Oh no, just need to break up with my girlfriend. Honestly, it's like that. It is like that.

Where'd all your hair go? I don't know. Old age? Nah, just need to break up with my girlfriend. What happened to your... Why are you so hairy now? Honestly. Why are you so hairy now? Need to break up with my girlfriend. It's always the answer. Sorry. My ex told me that my three kids were not mine. We ended up doing a DNA test because she just told me she kept

cheating throughout our relationship. Get out of here. So yeah, did the DNA test. Turns out the oldest one is mine, the youngest one is mine, but the middle one isn't. It's devastated news altogether. But the way I see it is the middle one. I raised her. so she is mine Despite what the DNA says I just don't pay child support for her She can get that from the guy she slept with but I still take her on weekends and you know So she's not away from assisted That one's gotta hurt that one hurts I don, you're a better guy than me, bro.

You are a better man than me. Actually, um, nah, I would've done the same thing. God, I just, don't you know? Don't you know when somebody's cheating on you? You have to know. Like there's always like, yeah. Damn, I'm pretty sure it's happened to me in a couple of relationships. I'm just like, you can kind of feel it too. Like when it's happening, you're like, something doesn't feel right. Why am I in a bad mood all of a sudden? I'm a chronically single person. So if you're in a happy relationship, I don't know if this is the podcast for you, but Yeah, it is probably need to hear it the most

But uh Yeah, every time I've ever been in a relationship you can kind of it's always like I'm always a little I'm always like It's something going on, you know, even if there's not there's been a couple people I've been with that I'm like, I'm for sure, for sure nothing's happening. But like still in the back of your head, you're like, everybody's human, baby. Everybody's human. Good for you, man. Responsibility king.

Good job. But if you got kids in a relationship and you're cheating, bro, like, what's the point? She can't have your cake to bed. Can't have your cake. The question mark, the. The soul tie is crazy. Oh, all of a sudden I'm in a bad mood on a Sunday at 3 p.m.?

Hmm. Who'd you DM? It is what it is. My ex used to get mad at me if I answered his questions with yeah Instead of yes. Oh my god, like if I left the s off bro, and this is what I will never forget that he told me That that was disrespectful to him to answer his questions Informally. Oh

My god, I get a little twinge of PTSD whenever I answer a question. Yeah. And then I remember that that was absolutely insane of him. Baby girl, you are so right. Somebody likes control because they're a little worse that's all that is yes that's so weird bro that is so weird hey be a normal person oh my god dude dudes can be so weird okay uh are you in the army? Something we had to do in football that I was like really weird about. You say yes, sir, to me. I was like, this is kind of.

This is getting a little weird, but I guess. God, you know, you're in a bad relationship when that kind of stuff starts happening. Yes, you say yes. Ew, ew. Makes me not want to say yes ever in my life again. Never would. Yeah. Yeah. The hardest day ever. Low key, my dad, he's that that. He's gonna say everything people. He's gonna say everything

Just goes to show you wrote like the more you Like have to follow the rules you the less you're ever gonna follow the rules. It's so funny how everything is opposite You say yes when you respond to me. I'm like, okay. I'm just never gonna talk to you ever again. How about that? There we were so 2018 love it 2017 So 2018 love it 2017 We're watching the sunset on a parking deck kind of romantic cute And she looks at me the eyes and goes hey

Trust me on this. Oh my baby. Baby, I don't know if I can. Like I'm trying. I'm being very vulnerable right now. You know, I don't know where this is going, but I want to see where it goes. And she goes, hey, it's okay. Just trust me on this. Get the Chili's 2 for 20. Shut up.

And it changed my life. Shut up, bro. The bottom was baked potato soup. That's so good. It was next level. The tone is crazy. It really was. And I forget that day, you know.

She was two for 20. She really changed my, changed my mind. Changed my proclivities for subpar, below average American cuisine. Chain air cool restaurants, if you can even call them that. I miss her so much. This is sad. Actually the worst taste ever.

But what the hell are we talking about? So I'm bullcrap now, but she really super to me does slap. But the one I do remember her saying, I love it is this is she goes, I didn't cheat. I promise I did. I love it. This is she goes, I didn't cheat. I promise I didn't. I really didn't. And I'm like, oh yeah, you sure about that? I'm doing that. That nay, Naomi, that nay nay, that one. I'm doing that. That's playing. Yeah, she did cheat. She's a

whore. Different trick playing. Yeah, she did cheat. She's a whore. Different trick, different timeline, different universe. But hey, let's actually get after it. Let's have a great day and kick some ass, man. Kiss a test, bitch. Tad, thug. God dang, bro. That right there, that voice message is honestly,

if you're like, what happens in that head of yours? It's just that whole thing. Just the fake out, the talking about chilies, the nasheechi, all the songs, bro. That's what the espresso, in one voice message, that's really what this podcast, what's your podcast about plays that. Chili's 2 for 20. I love stupid shit. I don't care about anything real. Why?

Cause it's annoying. God dang it, right? I cannot be the only person that, okay cool. Everything, cool. Oh my God, did you hear about, cool. Oh my God, did you, yes I saw it. It's on every single, every time I open my phone, I saw it, yeah, and it makes me,

I would never say anything about it because it's been talked about so many, don't care. Just wanna talk about dumb stuff. I got to download that song now. I don't tie tie to tie tie to tie tie. Why why why why why why why why why, why, why, why, why, why, for a thousand years? Starts crying and I'm going to and I want to.

That was a well put together voice message that did absolutely nothing for everyone and that's why I love it so much. and that's why I love it so much. My ex after I graduated college told me that he would not be coming to my graduation ceremony because my diploma didn't mean anything. It was just a piece of paper. Oh my God, man.

Oh my god, man. Just dudes begging to break up. There's always like those straw that breaks the camel's back, you know, in a relationship and it's just like, all right, like, okay. Well, we got to break up. What? No, the person always reacts like that. There's always one thing that you're like, okay, that was the, was it college? My ex after I graduated college. I would never invite anyone.

If I had a girlfriend and she was like, okay, are we going to your graduation? I'd be like, you're not. Am I the only person that doesn't want anyone to come to anything if it doesn't have any value for them? My comedy shows, live podcasts? Yeah, because we're having fun.

But if it's like, oh, my dad's getting married, I'm like, you please go nowhere near this event. Or I will. Actually, never talk to you again. Some people love it, I don't know why. But if I had a wedding, I'd be like, here's the rule. I'm getting married and no one's coming to it. And if you try, I'll never talk

to you. I will be so mad. And it should probably be the other way around. Like, oh my god, you didn't come to my wedding. Please don't come to my wedding. I don't know what that is but I feel like we're all kind of the same on that one. But if I got married, no one would know. I'd post some pictures and that's it. Because that's all it needs to be, right? You come to my guy who hates weddings, always talking about how much he hates weddings, probably deep down secretly love them. If you say you hate something.

You said it yourself. Shut up, Ashley. Ashley! Marries Ashley. Dude, if I get married to anybody, it's gonna be my producer Ashley. Because I hate her. But, yeah, I would never invite if I was graduating anything. Please don't go. Please don't come. I know you have a million things to do and who cares? I wanna like show support, makes it even worse. I wanna support you.

Support me like I'm a homeless person? Bro, that's something I cannot stand when somebody just keeps, oh my God. Can I, I'd love to support you. Support me? Ew, just come to the thing because you want to like have fun. Someone told me that when I come to my show to support, I'm like, yo, I'm not like a struggling business or am I?

But it made it sound it made me feel like a homeless person. I was like, damn. And is that why? I was like, damn. And is that what I did? I wouldn't say that to you. If you invited me, if you really wanted me to come to your college graduation and I was your boyfriend, I would. And I'd have a great time.

But if you didn't tell me about it, I'd be like, I'm not mad. I get it. OK. What am I? But I would never say that I get it. Okay. What am I exit? But I would never say that to you about the paper. I mean, come on. Bought me gloves that have moisturizer in them that you wear at nighttime. Oh my God. And told me that my hands look very dry and that I needed to wear those at nighttime. Okay. Okay.

Oh. Hey, I don't know how to tell you this, but drop the link. Dude, I'm all about some self-improvement. I wouldn't put it on anybody else, but honestly, maybe I'm so sensitive. If somebody told me I had bad posture, I would sleep with my back strapped to a torpedo for the rest of time. Like this.

Strapped to a bomb with my shoulders back, my arms wrapped around it, me chained to it sleeping like this every night because he told me I have bad posture. I don't know what it is, dude. If somebody told me my hands are really dry, I would nonstop buy lotion. I might love them for that. You might. You might, you might, this is crazy, but you might actually do it. I mean, the gloves are a little much,

but just like put on more lotion. He's just being honest with you. Like, I don't know, that's kind of what love is, right? Yeah, the gloves are a little much. The gloves are a little much. You can walk that back and just be like, maybe he buys you a new lotion every now and then. Mm-hmm. How is he going to tell somebody their hands are dry as hell?

What if he just never told you? That's not. When you love somebody, you don't do that. He's just a little extreme, but he's just trying to. He's just I make you better. You make me better. You make me better. Honesty hour.

Got to have some honesty hour. One of my friends, very honest, told me I needed another hair transplant. Was it jarring? Yes. Was it gonna cost $15,000? Yeah. Was it gonna take a toll on my life?

Absolutely. Would he be my friend if he didn't tell me? Nope. People need to hear stuff. Just don't buy them gloves with lotion gloves. But I do kind of want those. Can you send me a picture of those? Something that my ex told me that I'll never forget.

Is that my name, Marianne? Sounds like a lesbian truck driver. Rude. Oh yeah, somebody said that to me one time about my sister. I never really got over it. They're like, what's your sister's name? And it's a double name too. I don't know if I should say it on here.

But they're like, isn't that some Billy Bob shit? I was like, okay, I never thought of it that way. Marianne. Old Marianne. Yeah, you can kind of, you can kind of, if you have no culture, you can kind of see how a double name could sound like a hoedown name. A bumpkin name. I don't know, bro.

Genie Bob. Tiffy Joe. Kind of sounds redneck-y but also like just depends who the person is honestly that's so funny got the I swear bro well how come your ex-boyfriend or girlfriend just has that just cuts you deep they just say the thing oh damn I never thought of it like that every time Cuz I never knew love Worst pain that I ever had to know lights on Alright peter songs This question is so easy for her. I was in high school

One of my first long-term boyfriends we've been dating now I mean, you know, I think it was like a year in high school, which is basically like you're married right crazy But yeah laying on top of him You know, we were fully clothed just chilling and he's like so Let's like play a game of like questions. Okay. He's like what's one thing on your body you would change Like what's your least favorite your body you would change? What's your least favorite body part of yourself? Oh, God. I was like, and I never had a body problem.

Would say I was a very confident person. I work out. I think I take care of myself, right? So I'm like, I don't know. I feel a little weird about it. So I'm like, I don't know, I feel a little weird about it. So I was like, this is a weird question. Is there something on my body you don't like? Oh God, here we go.

I think he just wanted to openly discuss something. Say it. He's like, well, yeah, I would just. Oh God, dude, this is about to be so God. I would just make your calves just a little bit smaller. They're just a little bit too big. Yo. When I tell you never your calves just a little bit smaller. They're just a little bit too big. Yo. When I tell you never knew I had a calf problem,

never since that day have worn shorts, never. Like I'm so uncomfortable in my own body. Like if I'm on the beach, if somebody, I can't even explain to you what that comment did to me and my brain I've been I have like contemplated I've looked up like can I make my half reduction? They're not you're probably picturing like gargantuan calves like they're just a little muscular I would say for a girl, but nothing crazy like I'm a pretty petite person and I

hate him for that because I, I literally have not worn shorts or showed my cat. To this day, with anyone I'm with, I'm like, I'm so insecure about it. Just taking vacations. And then he's like, well, what about me? And I'm like, I think you're good. I almost cried. Like I was like, I'm gonna go. Like I literally got so upset. Went home and just like stared at my legs naked in the mirror for really the next foreseeable future.

Oh dude, just ruined her damn life. That's so... It ruined her life. She's taking vacations to only cold weather cities. They ruined her life. She's taking vacations to only cold weather cities. Oh, Minnesota sounds good. Let's go see what's going on in Minnesota. Why don't we go to like Hawaii?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Trust me on this one. Mall of America. Trust me on that. Okay. Okay. Alaska this summer. That sucks. Hey, we'd rather have big calves than small calves.

Just saying. Just saying. Just saying. They cannot be bigger than my than a first grade teacher of mine because Lord have mercy. Mrs. Miller's calves. Dude, she every time she took a step, it was like a T. Rex was on the premises. Water was shaking. No way your calves are that big. Mrs. Miller, please. All I want from you is to just kick a kickball. That's it.

That's it. Wish your calves were smaller. You really can't say anything that'll stick in your head worse than that. Maybe because your fingers don't, maybe, I mean, yeah, I never been, oh, well, what did somebody say to me one time? And I was like, yo, I can't change that.

Yeah. Oh, one time and I was like, yo, I can't change that. Yeah. Oh, one time somebody told me this was like on some eighth grade, eighth grade honesty, which is the worst honesty ever. There was this dude that talked like. Droopy the dog, I'd say, like even I was like, bro is talking so slow, but whatever. I mean, I'd rather have somebody talk slow than super fast because people who talk super fast, I'm like, I did like. Stop it. What are you covering up?

But homeboy was talking slow, like on some Eeyore Eeyore mode. in solo like on some Eeyore mode. And I always noticed it, but I never said anything. So I was like, he's kind of my homie, like whatever. And then somebody came up to me at a at a festival and was like, you know, you talk like Eric and I was like, oh my God. Well, I guess I'm just going to speed it up a few notches from now on. But I was like, really? Like, oof, bro, that'll stick with you.

A physical thing you can't change? I guess I talk like a depressed dog. Don't know what to tell you. Has a podcast now, does comedy now, talks for a living. Don't know if that affected me or not. You let me know. Right, you gotta let people know shit or else they'll never know. At least you're self-aware.

My ex, who I'm not with anymore, said to me that he was the happiest when he was cheating on me. Oh my god fuck out of here, dude That's insane he just said you he said that to you to ruin your life because no guy every guy is just such a little bitch No guys happy cheating on a girl. That's just how it goes. No guys ever. No, it's it feels like crap. No, you're scared the whole time.

Yeah, like, come on. He wasn't he just said that they're ruining your life. That wasn't really what he thought. And I know you know that now. I don't know why I'm telling you that like it just happened. I had an ex tell me if you lost a few pounds guys would be knocking down your door I'm like but we're together and you're with me oh man Oh my god just

Bro broke up with you in his head before he actually broke up with you and that slipped out of the I'm gonna say this To her when we break up box it did It's happened to me before bro on a reality dating show don't know if I told you guys I was on a reality dating show or not but uh it was the overnight I was with home girl Katie Thurston in her bed just talking and at that point I didn't want to win and point Blake to her face before she made her decision on who she was going home with to win $50,000. I go, that's crazy. You're going to be my ex forever. I said that because in my head, was like you already made your decision. Yeah he uh, he let it slip out. Guy's brain's moving too fast for once.

Yeah, he was trying to hurt your feelings and it came out a little too early. Poor guy, bro. God dang, you know how embarrassed he was after that, but acted like he wasn't. You know how embarrassed he was after that but acted like he wasn't One time my ex was like really mad that we broke up and he was crazy first off Like I don't know. I didn't see all the red flags, maybe a little red flags. I don't know. Cause you like them. But we ended up breaking up and he told me that my, between my legs, he said, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it on your podcast. I don't know what I'm going to say. My vagina,

he said that it smelled. And I was like, I know you ain't talking about me like that. So it was like a whole thing. What'd you say back? He was like really hurt. And then like a couple of days later, I didn't even respond because the first off I know it didn't. I mean, he loved it. Okay.

Right. Anyway, so a couple of days later he messaged me and he's like, Hey, I'm sorry. It doesn't smell. And I just said that because I know it would hurt you. And I was like, hey, I'm sorry. It doesn't smell. And I just said that because I know it would hurt you. And I was like, well, it's OK. So we ended up getting back together. Yeah. Ultimately, we ended up breaking up like we're not together, obviously.

But that was one of the things he told me. And it really did hurt my feelings, but I didn't let on that. It did. So, yeah. What a guy for coming back and being like, yo, sorry, I was just kind of mad. And I just said that. That's that's that takes some strength, bro. To be like, I just made that up.

Just making up the most hurtful thing of all time. I don't think any guy in the history of the world has ever cared about that specifically. Not one time, not one time has it ever even occurred to me. And if it has, I'm like, well, it is what it is. I don't know. Been a long day. Cool. Me too, probably.

Just thanks for having me. Pretty much. Okay, so this was about nine years ago. Set the scene here. I was in high school. The friend that I'm going to be referring to is a year younger than me. So I was sitting at the table with my exfriend and his dad. And his dad says to us that my boyfriend should really be dating my friend because she's got bigger tits and then they high-fived. That can't be real.

That's straight from a movie. High-fived? Like they were kidding, right? But still can't. God, that's so crazy. Were they drunk? They had to be drunk. They had to be drunk. And you never went over there again? At the dinner table, can anything be worse than a dinner table? God, you're just fighting for your life at a dinner table. In a house, can't think of a worse scenario.

At your girlfriend's or boyfriend's house, eating dinner with their family at a table. What could go wrong? It's just your setup for failure. And that right there? Drunk Dad? There's no way that happened. I cannot. I can't.

A couple more. In too deep can think about giving it up. All yours is a cute face with a big dick and nobody likes you. Guess what, babe? I know who that is. And uh, don't know if I've told you guys I've been on a reality show or not, but I think he was on it. And that person loves you if they said that to you. Sorry. Sorry. Oh, this is going to be good. Alright, memories from an ex. My ex one time after seeing me dancing with a different woman walked

up to us, took the beer out of my hand, swigged it said, fucking asshole, walked away and then proceeded to text me. This is embarrassing for you. Seeing you with this plank shaped forgettable six out of 10 white bitch, you traded in filet mignon for unseasoned chicken oh and it was so funny that i like i liked her again oh after that in love where did that fire go in love she knows you get what you deserve rat behavior equals rat results and i need to put that on a shirt just in small print. Rat behavior equals a rat results.

I still love her. Just so you know, bro can dance. And another ex of mine upon breaking up hit me with two quotes. White girls love a quote. First quote was, I can't even think about it without laughing. It was a text message and it said, Will Smith once said. Oh my God.

I couldn't believe the breakup was starting with Will Smith once said, the French, the French? Prince of Bel Air? The French Prince of Bel Air? The French Prince of Bel Air, good sketch. One half of the bad boys says, it's not my responsibility, her happiness is not my responsibility.

She needs to be happy and I need to be happy and we need to share that happiness together. And she's like, you don't, my happiness isn't your responsibility anymore, goodbye. Okay, all right, got it. And then the second quote was, Kurt Cobain once said, what the fuck is going on here?

Kurt Cobain once said, I'd rather be loved, I'd rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not. And I don't know how the fuck that applies to anything. And first of all, let's not be using Kurt Colain quotes. Maybe if it's something to do with like guitar playing, you go to him.

But when it's like how to get through your life, don't go to someone who ended his at 27. You don't ask for directions to the airport from some guy passed out in the ditch halfway. He didn't make it to the airport. Ask someone who did. Maybe that's not the best example, but yeah. Dude. So right.

White girls in quotes. Okay. Will Smith and Kurt Cobain though. That's so right. White girls in quotes. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah someone and be like, yo, you know what? There's this quote. I'd be like, okay, we're good That's all I need to do here. I don't care anymore Not fighting for you anymore We start bringing up quotes

Shut up Dude you there's a lot dude everything your ex says just Everything they say just matters so much Hey can't tell if we're all still in love or not probably a little bit whoops keep going dear diary uh let me know if anyone else is like this. You are. Over the weekend, went to Phoenix, went to Arizona, Chandler, Arizona. Amazing show. And I know every comedian says that, oh, my God, you guys are so

sick. Thank you for the love, Bob. This was like sold out. Unreal Comedy Club loved it kind of felt like I was just in an Applebee's and everybody's having a great time. Sick. Hey, hottest people I've ever seen. And in a room at the same. I was like, is it I was so proud. I was like, these are the people I'm bringing out?

Guys hot, girls hot, moms hot, dads hot. And everybody had an unreal sense of humor, just banging crowd. Amazing show. Felt great. Loved Chandler, Arizona. Love, Arizona. Next day, flew to Miami. Miami. Did a brand deal with Carnival Cruise. Polite cat calling on the cruise ship. Everybody so down, so in.

The person who coordinated the whole entire deal loved it. Everybody so happy. Everybody just 100% in, having a great time. Just couldn't, you know, the cruise energy is so different. Dude, it's just like Christmas Eve energy. Everybody matching shirts in love. Gonna get turnt. It's pretty much all a cruise is, is where's the food?

Where's the booze? No one's in a bad mood. And it made me wanna go on a cruise. I've said some bad things about cruises before on this podcast, but now I'm like, who's not having a good time? Everything looked fun. everything was fun. Had a great time.

Oh my God, first day cruise energy, unmatched. Unbelievable weekend, two different cities, the best energy, best vibes. But how come the only thing that made me 100% happy was a peanut butter and jelly smoothie I had from LA Fitness? It doesn't matter what happens in my life, it's just I'm only going to remember the food. Right, you can went to two different cities in 48 hours, met amazing people. All I remember is a peanut butter smoothie. What? He's a he's a monkey.

I'm a monkey. I don't think I've ever been high like this in my life. After I drank a peanut butter and jelly smoothie from LA Fitness. God, I sound ridiculous, but it's, I cannot stop thinking about it. And I'm like, why is that the only thing I'm thinking about? For the past four days, just had a choke hold on my brain. Okay, I won't forget a lot of the people that I met in Arizona and Miami, but bro, that lady that made that smoothie behind the counter at LA Fitness,

the shake bar that no one ever goes to. She has my heart. She put in one of those big ass Styrofoam cups. You know those Styrofoam cups that are like, whoa, okay, polar pop. Okay, big gulp. It was like one of those filled up with peanut butter and jelly ice cream. Two scoops of protein.

Slap my ass, push me out of a plane. He's a monkey. It doesn't matter what happens, I'm only going to think about the food. And I maybe, maybe actually I think that's how it should be. God damn, I'm only going to think about the food. At the end of the day, bro's just thinking about the food. We could have a conversation about how you're giving me $4 million. If we're sitting at a table that has a soft pretzel on it, not gonna hear a word you say.

Coo, coo, coo,o coo cringe moment of the week. Keep it quick. We got to get going here. Long pod long pod long pod sir long pod. Did the polite cat calling at Carnival Cruise. We had to go through security and film some things and while I was filming some things in security, there was a drug dog. Drug dog. I don't know why. I one time, you know what?

You know what? One of my exes said to me one time that I smell never forget it. Don't think I smell, but I do. I do all the time now because my ex said it. Every time I'm around a dog goes straight to my crotch. Every time. I've never, dude, there could be a dog, there could be a dog 400 yards away from me. It would dead sprint to my ass. So it goes. That's my relationship with dogs. I don't know if they want to,

I don't know if they want to touch me. I don't know if they like me, but you know what they do like my crotch a dog's nose my crotch magnetic pull Canine Raised in bread to sniff out drugs. I pull up cat calling costume on suit, megaphone, poster board, two people rolling with me, videographer and the boss of Carnival Cruise marketing.

We pull up dog straight to my ass. And I'm like. I don't think I have anything on me is what I say to the person like handling the canine. Well, there's a line of people boarding the cruise, like a thick line, like this dog's doing a work dog comes and sits behind me. And I'm like, I mean, I honestly am too big of a bitch to do drugs. I don't have any. Like unless somebody put something on me, I don't really know.

But this dog was acting suspicious. I have nothing on me. Thank God I'm like with the crews for the day, because I don't know what would happen to me if I was actually like they would have like put me in jail or something. I don't know. But I pat my pockets. I'm like, I don't even have anything like physically on me right now I just have nothing on me. And she looks at me dead in the face foreign person so she's gonna be completely honest

and not care about anything except for the rules and she goes, if you have a vape on you you just need to give it to me right now. Going off of absolutely nothing, she just thought I looked like a douche bag and was like, just give me the vape so we can move on and I can check these other people. I was like, I've never vaped. But I do look like I have eight of them on me right now. C-c-c-cringe moment of the week.

Resting douchebag face. Okay, let's do days. Thursday. Today. National Logger Day. You ever see somebody that they're in between almost hot and slightly

on the border of you need to get it together? You know that person? It's almost Slightly like on the border of you need to get it together You know that person and you just want to it's almost some something you need to say to them But you don't know how to say to them That person drinks lagers You know that would think of that one person right there you're like man they're just like on the brain You know, they're just like they can't figure that... Logger body. You ever? There's some people I can think of right now, I'm like you got a logger body, babe. You got a logger body and you're just drinking too many loggers. I don't know what it is. Who's out here drinking loggers? Have you ever run into anybody that's like, God, I just love a good lager.

Huh? I can honestly say I've never had one in my entire life on purpose. I'll take a lager. What? You know what a lager makes me wanna do? Even saying it and thinking about it makes me wanna go to sleep for 45 minutes. Poinsettia day.

I'm gonna call myself out on this right now. I've been saying poinsettia all my life, but I just realized there's an I before the A at the end. And yeah. Yep, that's me. The guy that had zero accelerated reader points every year. Many want to talk about a guy that was bad. At accelerated reader, I must have been.

The bottom of the barrel and my dude, when it came to Accelerator, I have no idea. I could read a book front to back seven times. Once Accelerator reader test comes around, maybe you got one out of nine right. Bro, I was so bad at that. I just thought I could get away with not reading it. I'd read the back of a book, take an Accelerator reader quiz, one out of 10 every time. get away with like not reading it. I read the back of a book taking accelerated

reader quiz one out of ten every time. This guy bro. So bad. So bad I'd ever reading or paying attention to anything. God. Gingerbread house day. Can you eat them? All I want to know, can you eat them all I want to know can you eat them are we out here eating the houses I think I'd eat the whole damn house before I built it when people put together a gingerbread house and they likeulk it with icing. Top 10 things I wanna drop an elbow on. If I could just walk into a gingerbread house making contest.

Hop on the table, one step, hip, both feet planted and just run hopscotch on those gingerbread houses. All the people's faces. Oh my God. There's another long table of 72 gingerbread houses on him. I stand at the edge of the table like the rock. If you smaaaaaaap! Raise my eyebrow, throw my wristband in the crowd and just drop my elbow on 72 gingerbread

houses. Nothing I want to smash more. What about a pumpkin? I don't care, Ashley. Pizz the season. Top number one things I want to do is smash a gingerbread house. God. Friday. You're insane. Day of the horse, day of the horse.

Yeah. Everybody knows a horse girl. Still do, actually. Horse girls never phase out of that, do they? If you're a horse girl when you're younger, you still got that in you. What put you on horses though, is what I wanna know about horse girls. Like what was the day where you were like all about it? Horses are so scary.

God dang, they're so big. I'm like, how do you exist? Never seen a horse sleep. Do they sleep standing up? Wow, horse girl is going to come at me for this one. Do they? My whole TikTok feed is still just a dude changing a horseshoe. And I'm like, guess I'm watching it. There's so many of those things on TikTok that my whole for you page. By the way, is TikTok done? Hey, thank God. Most followers on that platform, but I just don't even know what it's doing anymore.

Like, cool. You have 10 million TikTok followers. Who doesn't? That's what I feel like, kind of. Is it done? Do we know? I should know. I don't know. Does it matter? Who knows? It just, I'm like half of the people that see my TikToks, are you even real? I love you, but I'm like, who? Post a video gets millions of views.

Post my comedy shows gets 17 views. I'm like, what is this? Talking shit about Tiktok. Saturday. Wreath day. A word that doesn't match what it is. Wreath. I don't think that it should be called a wreath. Wreath.

We're a wreath family. Didn't really go all out with the lights. We were a reef family. Didn't really go all out with the lights. God dang. You know one thing though? That's why I want to have a family. I want to have a family for two reasons. One, so my kids don't call my grandma and grandpa anything beside, like me, mom, and

papa. That's why I want to have kids. You call them grandma and grandpa? anything beside, like me, mom, and papa, that's why I wanna have kids. You call them grandma and grandpa, that's it. And two, I wanna have a family so I can have a house and I can put just the straightest Christmas lights on that around to the outside, just, you know, that dude in your neighborhood that had the straightest Christmas lights,

just, you're like, how the hell did he get those so straight? It just looks so good, bro. Just ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, ffff, all across the gutter. I'm like how much did he pay? How much did that dude pay? And then a bangin' wreath on the door that matches the Christmas lights around the house

Some about white lights too White lights on a house on the outside Bros got his shit together Such a good look Don't do too much Don't do too much. Don't do too much. But the straight tight lights, man, there's just some, I just want to meet that guy. 30 for 30 on the guy in your neighborhood with the tightest lights around his house. I'm like, God dang.

Just suffocating his house. How do you do it? How do you do it? Hated the person with the lights you just like the net that you put around the bush and they didn't like put it to the bottom of the bush. You could like see where the net lights ended. I was like, come on. I mean, can you just go the extra mile? Please for the kids. Some people are so laxed when it comes to Christmas lights. I'm like, bro, if you're doing it, you got to crush. You got to kill it. I think that's why we're just a wreath family. Just slap it on the door. Move on with your day, babe.

Still thinking about the peanut butter and jelly smoothie. And winter solstice. It's winter. Cheese. Snow. Gingerbread. Caramel brulee. Taylor Swift.

Coughing season. Sunday date, not in bread day. See, that's some food that when you're a kid, you're like, what? But like right now, 34 years old, I'd eat date nut bread for the rest of my life. And that's it. Some of those breads, man, dude, the way bread controls everything I do in my life is just amazing. I don't know. Are we chronically hungry?

Is it just me? Oh my God, bro. Or do other people just wake up and think about that cinnamon raisin bread that comes in the pepperidge farm bag in the bread aisle. God dang, with the icing top. Shut up! You know, with that little like fake eye, oh my god, that's gotta be the best thing I've ever seen in my life.

You know it's good bread too and they double bag it, you know what I mean? It just doesn't come in one plastic bag, there's a plastic bag inside the plastic bag, that's fire bread bro. That bread bag. There's a plastic bag inside the plastic bag. That's fire bread, bro. That bread's a lit. They're like, hey, put two plastic bags around this. Why? Just trust me.

It's sacred. Oh my God. Okay. Okay. We'll put two plastic bags on it, sir. Yes, sir. So, you know. Oh, my God, I love that bread. Does it have two

Hawaiian rolls? Plastic bag on the outside, little cardboard tray on the inside. OK, OK, OK. Yeah, little cardboard tray on the inside. Okay, okay, okay. Top tier bread has two packages. Think about the bread, bro. Think about the bread. Pumpernickel bread. Always coming in two. If it's got a little foil tray, sourdough. Special bread. Put some respect on bread. God, dude, bread, the bane of my existence.

All right, fam, I love you guys. Talked about bread for eight minutes, but wouldn't have it any other way. Still thinking about the peanut butter and jelly smoothie. Love you, Phoenix, Sacramento. See you see you soon Indy these guys live podcast helium gets your tikkies Chicago see you soon Rutherford New Jersey mommy's coming your way January 9th thank you for the voice messages. I love you so much Sorry that they said those mean things to you, but

look at it from the outside to a little bit sometimes because Could be mean But it could could make you better in a positive way. Nah, fuck em. Alright, love you fam. See you next time.