Espresso - things guys NEED to stop

Episode Date: April 7, 2021

FAM! this week Ben has comedian Alex Price (@illumanti_hr_rep) on the pod to break down things guys shouldn't do anymore (like backing into parking spots ... ⁱ ᵈᵒ ⁱᵗ ᵉᵛᵉʳʸ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ) they talk about the way Alex's therapist doesn't give a shit about about weed and why the mall is the most comforting place IN THE WORLD. They remember their most embarrassing moments, winning science fair and why McDonalds sprite is gods milk. Alex tells a story about the craziest shit that's ever happened at KILROY'S, they both do a full ASMR clinic, go #ViViViViral and do #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave One Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveonenice.com. Shot 153. Come on, give me a little, give me a little. Go ahead. Yeah. Okay. ahead. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Are they ever going to rap? Probably not. They just sit here. We out here. We out here. We doing the thing. Sitting here. Kind of fat.

Trying to rap. Sitting here while my belly rolled up. Couple, couple lines in my stomach while I'm sitting here. Sweaty gut. Yeah. Looking outside. Kind of a nice day. It's pretty nice.

Lady just walked by. Kind of looks like my grandma. Has a really big bag, I think, of cats in there. Who the heck cares? Yeah. Well, Ben's got a really young grandma. And look at the way she walked by. She's, I don't know.

No, keep going, keep going, keep going. She had a pretty nice pair of Air Max 90s on. I don't know if you saw that, Ben, but they were pretty fucking sweet. You're a shoe guy. Yeah, I am a shoe guy. What you got on today? I got these Nike squash types on. Nike squash types? Yeah, they're part of the 354s

is that because you're height and weight jesus christ alex price is here comedian from indie biggest man in the world that's not true yeah because you are dude you're like bread to be a door guy at a club and i am a door guy at a club you And I am a door guy at a club. You're the scariest door guy ever. Like mix of white scary guy with huge D-linemen. Put them together. Kilroy's door guy. I've been told that I'm quote unquote unapproachable. 100%.

So that's fun. You can follow Alex on Instagram, Illuminati HR rep. How'd you get that name again? Because I think the idea of the Illuminati running the entertainment network, entertainment industry. Having an HR rep for the Illuminati. Yeah, I just think the idea that

there was that whole myth about the Illuminati like being Jay-Z and all these guys. And I just thought it would be hilarious if there was an HR rep who like came to like recruit you and then tried to sell you on the fact they had really good vision insurance you know because the all-seeing eye 2020 i think the illuminati kind of fell off i don't hear much about it anymore nah you know because you know the illuminati's in the white house baby yeah. Yeah. And on Twitter, Alex Price, indeed.

What's up, dude? How you feeling? I'm pretty good. Yeah? Yeah. Went and saw my therapist today. What'd they say? Wait, how often do you go?

Every week. Every week? Yep. Since when? For like two and a half years. What made you realize you needed to go? I had everything. Yeah, I had a mental breakdown.

Like what'd you do? And you're like, all right, bro, I need to go see a therapist ASAP. I had friends told me that I should probably go seek out help. And then I had like a mental thing where I just wasn't feeling good. Does it help? Yeah, definitely. I haven't tried to kill myself in a while so you ever put that on pause for a few weeks it's good yeah just temporary yeah just pump the brakes

on the whole that is it like do you do you sit on that little couch thing in there is that like i mean it's not a little couch it's a couch it's an l couch sorry fuck alex is coming in it's in fucking put away the chair here's my favorite thing about where i go to therapy right so like i go to therapy but they don't take insurance at the therapist's office uh but they do do well they do do um like sliding scale based on how much money you make and because i'm a poor comedian they're like they were like i came in there i was like hey i heard you do sliding scale and the lady behind the counter goes uh yeah i think we do uh let me see if i have the

paperwork for that and when i drove it's in zionsville so when i drove there i passed like mansions and people's like personal stables and And I had to park my Honda Civic. Carriages. I had to park my Honda Civic next to a Porsche. And so I had to fill out the paperwork. And I'm pretty sure that where I go to therapy gets a tax break because I'm the poorest person who goes to that therapist's office. I've never seen anyone like you.

Like everybody else is in a suit and tie and has a legal pad with their problems written out on it. And I just come in and go, yeah, sometimes I'm sad and I do drugs and it's a problem. You don't have anything written down. You're like, I don't know. Here's my Twitter. Yeah. Pretty much.

Yeah. Dude. So the question of the week this week is what do guys need to stop doing? Not going to therapy, probably. Dude, I think all guys need to go to therapy and want to go to therapy, but guys just won't make an appointment. Yeah, doing anything like that is daunting.

I don't know why. And I mean, honestly- Guys can't call and sign up for shit. Going to therapy, period, is rough because not every therapist is going to be good. You got to go find what works for you. So like the first therapist you go to may suck. And that may,

that may even scare you away from therapy even more, even though you're brave enough to go to the first time. Ask him for help is not easy for a lot of people. So, um, dude, here's one. We got that girl,

Bri Bri things guys shouldn't do anymore reverse parking like i think she means backing in backing into girls hate when i back in my car why just because like they don't understand that like i'm thinking for like yes for the future self they don't get that so let me get. Every time my mom's in my car. Girls are mad that you're planning ahead. It doesn't make any sense. It's all girls do. Yeah.

And that's all girls want you to do. Aren't you thinking about the future? Yeah, clearly I'm backing into this. What's your five year plan? Fucking backing into this bitch. Yeah. Getting out of here in one fell swoop. No, that's the thing.

Every time I back my car and my mom's with me she's like ah like fuck just like that sorry i care about you she also goes long white socks you're a sock guy i am a sock guy but i don't wear white socks you wear like miami heat socks and shit i wear i mean i wear south beach i wear stance socks like exclusively ambassador i wear stance socks and then i wear like just the nike fucking like no shows yeah if i yeah that slipped down your foot nah these don't slip i have seen like people try to go like super-show, where they fold the sock. Yeah, the ballerina thing.

I have some ballerina joints. No surprise? No surprise. They feel kind of nice. You're the most agile fucking muscle idiot I've ever met. Crouching tiger fucking, look at them muscles. She goes, sneakers with jeans, things guys should stop doing, and cargos.

Fuck off. Yeah, that's's gonna be a lot of that sneakers with jeans like what are you supposed to wear i hate the word sneakers i don't even know what that means honestly sneakers i mean well that's what nike calls their shoes yeah yeah you're right so but yeah so you're telling me you never want your dad to mow the yard sneakers and jeans is that what you're saying darlin are you saying dads wear jeans to mow the yard dads wear fucking either nike monarchs or new balances they don't wear jeans though my dad wears jeans to cut the grass where do you live up north in in a trailer no i do not live you know don't i cut in the grass and jeans no dad has done that

buddy dude it's the like in the fall it's the sweats that are cut off i mean he wears shorts in the summer but like in the fall my dad mows and jeans mows and jeans oh shit here we go it's not like he's moaning socks and crocs do you own a pair of crocs i do not yeah i don't either sometimes i see people and i'm like they'd be kind of nice but i could be very comfortable plus you could bedazzle the shit out of them, I'd say now. What would you put on there? Would you put, like, emojis and shit? Yeah, I'd take a look at what the croc bedazzler. Maybe, like, your favorite teams?

Yeah, probably. 76ers and, like, the kiss face? Yes, sure. All right, this is Maddie's Lee. She goes, what should guys stop doing? Maddie's Lee. She goes, what should guys stop doing? Okay, that's, no, we're not doing that one. Is she mad about your tweet?

Wearing shorts in the winter. I don't think I've ever seen you wear pants. I wear pants all the time. No, you're always short. No, you're like the first guy to wear shorts when it like, when it gets it. Well, I mean,

I am fat. I'm like that too, though. I hate wearing pants. But like I wear pants. You've seen me wear pants. If I'm on stage, if I'm on stage,

I'm wearing pants. Exception. But like when it gets warm and what's up? When it gets warm and you put on shorts for the first time i'm not going back after that you know indiana weather gets warm then it gets freezing cold the next week i can't wear shorts that week yeah i i prefer to wear shorts all the time okay ellie widowski things guys should stop doing repeating a joke a thousand times after it gets a laugh well that would just make our jobs obsolete ben he she means like in real life like you say something funny at a party everybody laughs and you say like four other times throughout the night

no i'm i literally work parties like open mics i'll go find a group of people run five minutes i will secretly run five minutes i will frame it as just talk about absolutely nothing yeah i'm real good at hiding it sarah cake o'clock i wonder what her instagram's all about. Can't be fucking bakery stuff, huh? Stop getting all weird when a girl's showing interest and is enthusiastic. What's that all about? Who does that? Guys.

She wants guys to stop getting all weird when a girl's showing interest and is enthusiastic. What's that all about? Okay, well, then girls should also do the same thing then. Stop getting all weird when a girl shows interest that's the only way we know how to react getting all weird i can't be smooth you ever pull what are you talking about no dude what do you do that's smooth when a girl finally shows interest we've been thinking about her for three months ahead of that point so yeah that is true about it dude every single time

i guess it could be kind of like startling in a way but also i mean and guys try to like overdo it you know what i mean yes yeah that's probably what she's talking about feelings is weird am i right fellas what do you mean you said like they should also do that too. Girls should also. Girls get weird when you're showing interest. Dude, I think girls can handle it. Yeah, I mean, yeah, because they are skilled. They're level-headed.

Yeah. Guys are monkeys, man. Yes. Cynthia Lynn. Hell yeah. Things guys should stop doing. Trying to run to the door to open it for a lady real quick in a way that results in her having to walk under his armpit.

That probably happens to you all the time. It does happen, but I mean. You just make people limbo at the door? Yeah, I wear deodorant, though. That guy wears deodorant, right, guy? He looks like old Spice, dude. All guy? He looks like old Spice, dude. All right. He looks like old Spice.

See me just repeat a joke twice. Yeah, dude. You got a good joke out of it, though. Dude, I got this. What kind of deodorant do you wear? Old Spice. What kind, though? Bare glove?

Pure sport? Pure sport. Yeah. Is it like the... Or Fijiiji sometimes fiji's my shit yeah fiji's my shit i'm like i want to smell like i'm on a beach yeah for two months yeah good that's always been my shit it's old spice fiji do you do the uh antiperspirant and deodorant why that why i always wonder why there's even one or the other because deodorant antiperspirant and deodorant why that why i always wonder why there's even one or the other because deodorant antiperspirant makes you just not sweat right but the antiperspirant i believe

has aluminum in it uh which is what so like people who have like allergic reactions to that would go just deodorant oh i see i was always wondering like so people just want to sweat and smell good or people don't want to sweat and not smell good right yes fiji's fiji's the game i got this stuff called certain dry you ever heard of that you ever heard of that certain dry is like this like liquid like formula i think it's dri in the hood yep dri in the hood certain dry dude if you put that on it's like real watery it like fucks your armpits up it makes them like it's like crazy overnight but then that doesn't sound you never sweat again that sounds i haven't sweat since sophomore year in high school jesus christ i swear to god dude seriously try that shit it works the only thing that ever that has ever

worked for armpits where do you find that walgreens yeah anywhere okay literally anywhere but i don't know like i think my pores are all dead under my armpits like they're like duct tape shut w Walgreens can be sad. Why? Dude, they made it a lot happier when Walgreens went through that revamp and they like brightened it up and put fruit in there. My favorite thing about Walgreens or like CVS is like, especially if you're in like a small town

in the middle of America, is all of them are still carrying ethnic hair care products even though not a person of color lives anywhere near that town and so that shit just sits there. 25 years old. Yeah. And so it's just like that space could be used for something else.

I get a good feeling walking in there though. We gotta make sure there's hair mayonnaise in town in case someone is dumb enough to move to martinsville who was a person of color probably not elaine from seinfeld things guys should stop doing stop talking about whatever cryptocurrency or stocks you're invested in i don't give a fuck when i first meet you if it's up or down i don't know what to say to you do you do stock shit i don't really do stock when I first meet you if it's up or down. I don't know what to say to you. Do you do stock shit?

I don't really do stock shit. I mean, I kind of follow it around. I mean. Do you bet on games? I don't. I watch games a lot. I don't bet on them. You haven't bet yet?

No, I just, I can't control that. It's different. Like with poker, I feel like i am somewhat in sort of some control whereas like cryptocurrency and stock market stuff and betting on sports games is out of my control which i'm not a fan of but you gamble and stuff right like you Oh, yeah. I play poker. I play. I can't, man. I can't gamble.

I can't do anything with numbers. I can't even play cards, bro. I can't even play Kemps. You ever play Kemps? Why can't you play? I don't know, man. I just don't. I just hate, like, Euchre.

Yeah, but you also don't stop moving. This is the least amount of moving I've seen you do. I'm still like shaking my foot. Yeah. Okay. It's hard to play cards when you are getting into weird different alien poses inside of a chair. Just crouching. I like your hat out there, guy.

Hey. I'm just going to keep doing this all day. I'm just going to keep hollering. You can do some real crowd work in here. Okay, I'm looking. I'm looking. Things guys should stop doing. Clint McCary calling strangers boss.

That's how people refer to me as boss up boss you look like boss though yeah like when people come up to the door at kilroy's they're like what's up boss that's the only thing they can yeah chief they call you chief yeah boss chief homie we're still allowed to say chief probably not probably not yeah what's going down what's up with that the chief of police you think they're gonna to write you on that? Kansas City? Yeah.

What's up, chief? What do you think about Buddy? What's up, Buddy? Is it kind of like degrading? I'm like, damn. Dude, when a girl calls you Buddy, is that fucked up or what? Yeah, that hurts. It hurts my soul.

Hey, Buddy, good job, Buddy. Good job, Buddy. If you got off stage and you killed and Hey, buddy. Good job, buddy. Good job, buddy. If you got off stage and you killed and a girl goes, good job, buddy. All right. Time to start writing again. Dude. Hey there, buckaroo.

Good job, buckaroo. Just rubbed your head. Hey. Buddy's the worst. Hey, buds. We're best buds. The worst. Hey, buds.

We're best buds. I like how you guys have plants that are fake on the corner of the desk. It gives a little life in here. Yeah. It's a little lively. You got a fake tree in your room? No. Do your parents have a fake tree? No, I have dried trees in a jar in my room.

Dried tree. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Your edibles. Are you on one right now no i smoked before i came though um once a day i know i spoke all day bro like went like right when you leave here like before your therapy session you're gonna smoke yeah dude i uh i had to go take a drug test she know that your therapist yeah definitely i had to go take a drug test for another job and uh they

don't give a shit about weed so i ate an edible on the way there oh it's pretty great they don't give a shit about weed love that yeah they only anybody that doesn't give a shit about weed i'm like nice they're just like they don't they don't care it's like he's chill yeah well he's never gonna be upset like that guy out there is that billy joel oh don't say billy joel bro we're going to play we didn't start the fire right now william joel billy j something guys see i put this question on t on TikTok and nobody fucking answers. They just say stuff about the video. They're like, no shoes.

I just blew a kiss to the guy on that car, so we'll see how that works. Is he revving? Yeah, dude. Rev that engine, baby. What is that? A Toyota Corolla with a spare tire on the back? Hell yeah, baby. It's not bad.

It's not bad considering the fact it's probably going to blow up in like 40 seconds. Do you get that vibe? Yeah, definitely. That that car's fake and there's a bomb in it? Hi, guys. What's up? That was so casual. Yeah. i didn't even care what the hell was going on here totes cash okay guys what guys should stop doing zach r stop wearing

backwards hats well ben what do you have to say that's my whole personality yeah dude dude i can't wear a hat forwards i look like a fucking offensive coordinator for a high school team yeah you do get them chopping dude i can't you got you got big lacrosse coach energy do i oh yeah i'm a lax guy yeah because i don't give a shit about smoking weed hey he's like same same justin kelly things guys should stop doing watching a tv show laying in bed before going to sleep for the night. Why should we stop doing that? It's the most normal thing. If I cut that out, I'd probably add hours to my sleep schedule. Also, quit breathing while you're at it.

Drink water. Drink water. I hate when guys do that. Yeah, I mean, eating food's pretty dumb. You should quit doing that. In fact, next time you eat a sandwich, you're canceled. What do you watch watch what's your show uh i mean it used to be the office forever but then they took it off netflix and i don't really

feel like getting peacocks so lately i've just been watching uh sopranos again i watch sopranos again and then a lot of documentaries about serial killers. Big fan of that. Dude, I don't watch shit. I watched, the one thing I ever watched was Stranger Things. That's a good show. It's not bad. They come out with a, who's your favorite character in that? Probably the kid that lisps or with the weird, you know, the curly

haired kid with the hat. That was my shit, man. I kind of want to watch it again. Yeah. I don't think I saw season three i think i saw season one and two you didn't finish it what the fuck i think i always like keep things in the back so like i could just have you're excited about it yeah i can always watch that yeah i haven't i like the umbrella academy too and i haven't watched season two of that so i'll watch that eventually.

Okay, let's go viral. Okay, baby. Viral, viral, viral. Okay, hashtag is a peaceful place for me. What's a peaceful place for you? The mall. Yes! Which mall? Any mall any mall dude why i dude this is fucking perfect i don't know why i love going to malls i do it's a big and maybe it's because

like when i was a kid going to the mall was such a big deal because there wasn't one in my hometown there was one 45 minutes away in fort wayne uh so like going to the mall was a big deal it's like now that i'm an adult i can just go and get those endorphins why is that so that's a thing for me yeah like it's like lifting weights for other people i'm going to the mall i gotta get my reps in i go to the same stores and i like nothing has changed they haven't added anything new and And if they do, I will buy it. What was your favorite store as a kid? Spencer's. Yeah, definitely.

Like Spencer's, Hot Topic. Spencer's, you could get away with like low-key. Sam Goody. Seeing some boobs in Spencer's. Yeah, Suncoast video. Suncoast. Yeah, Suncoast video. It's like an FYE, except it was just movies.

Suncoast video. Yep. I donYE except it was just movies Suncoast video yep I don't know if they oh damn look over here sorry you probably had no idea this was happening

the whole time no dude the guests never know that we can pop videos up on the screen I'm always like look I used to work

at a Sam Goody in my hometown until all of them closed that's all like video games and DVDs it's basically FYE yeah

that's cool though yeah PacSun That's all like video games and DVDs. It's basically FYE. Yeah. That's cool though. Yeah. Pac-Son. Zoomies. Zoomies. Yeah, I mean. You are Zoomies.

Zoomies is a shit. I go to Zoomies just to hear new lingo. Fuck, I need a couple of catchphrases. Yeah, I need that hot new slang. I literally go into Zoomies and like that character. What's popping? I'll see you guys later. That character that Trevor Wallace does.

Perfect. Is perfect because that's who works there. Kyle from Zoomies. Oh, dude. Is it Kyle? Yeah, I think so. Like there's a kid at the Zoomies in Castleton. Every employee's the same. And it's just like, hey, what's up, bro?

Welcome to zoomies like uh and it's just like okay what new like uh hey what are you looking for and i'm just like i'm just looking at shoes all right bet like there's always a different response yeah love zoomies plus zoomies has got cool stickers i like stickers man i'll look at those stickers for two hours not by one yeah i don't know what to put them is it weird to put on your laptop i can't do that anymore i literally have a basket full of stickers that i i don't know i'm like i have anxiety about where to put them because i'm worried if i put them on something stickers where am i gonna put this then i can't take it off so like my idea was i was probably just gonna buy a blank skateboard

deck and just throw them on there and then just hang it up. Because I know a lot of people that use skateboard decks as like things to draw on for their own art. And I just like that idea. I mean, I don't skateboard, but I do watch skate videos all the time. You should. You should try. Why don't you? I did try. I broke my arm.

First, why is this? Is it the hardest thing of all time? Were you good at any point? No. It's hard for me because I'm super tall. My center of gravity is fucked. Right when I get on a skateboard, I'm like, yeah, fucking right. Yeah, dude. I can ride these lime scooters all the time.

I never have. I ride those lime scooters everywhere. I'll probably ride one back home. Have you fallen off? I almost got hit by a car once and I fell off. It hurt. But I think I've caused more car accidents than anything because people see me on one and they go, Oh, shit.

Is that a bear? Who taught this bear how to ride this scooter? Hashtag food I hated as a kid. Did your taste buds change? Like, are you like... I still hate ketchup. i hate ketchup no yeah you yeah what do you what does that mean i mean dude you just look like you fuck with ketchup everybody looks like they fuck with ketchup but like what are you putting fries in

nothing just straight up you're playing fry guy just salt or cheese like nacho cheese anxiety Straight up, you're a plain fry guy. Salt or cheese, like nacho cheese. Ketchup gets out water. You're scared of that ketchup water. And it's gross. It makes me almost vomit. That does kind of cancel out the hot dog you're about to eat. It just gets showered on.

Yeah, just gross. I don't really like any sort of... I like barbecue sauce. I like sour cream, but I don't like mayo. I definitely don't like ranch, and I know that's illegal. You don't like like any sort of, like I like barbecue sauce. I like sour cream, but I don't like mayo. I definitely don't like ranch. And I know that's illegal. You don't like mayo or ranch? No, and I know that's illegal to say in Indiana.

Like I don't like ranch, but ranch is gross. I got on my shirt one time in school and that's the day I never ate ranch again. Like I got on my school shirt like at lunch and I just smelled it. Oh, are you a uniform kid? Uniform all the way. way no i was allowed to pop my own style bro would you pop jinko jeans back in the day i'm old i gotta say can we is there like a facebook picture of you in eighth grade or anything no you're not i mean i have to send it to you i got like a photo album back at my house but i definitely don't have anything on facebook oh let me see if i got one on my phone oh we can pull it up right here good lord i don't think i have any young pictures of me did you wear like the really baggy jeans at the mall yeah with like the chains on them i didn't wear the ones

with the chain i didn't like go black jeans you did have those i didn't no but they're still in like a i like corn and limp biscuit so you wore those no I didn't wear those why does that look so stupid right now it's so stupid bro no way that that's real

yeah is that coming back I hope not it says trying to make a comeback I know JNCO jeans are trying to make a comeback bro I don't know

about that one but that's what I say about every trend before it comes out i'm like that's gonna be a tough one i'm always like what would my dad say about that you're gonna fall is that a skirt are you trying to prove i remember my favorite thing about when jinko jeans came out it was also sadly around the same time as columb. And so schools were trying to outlaw those jeans. And there's a video where a lady is just showing a guy

pulling about 25 guns out of his JNCO jeans, including like a long barrel shotgun. Jesus Christ. You really could put anything in there, dude. You didn't even need a backpack if you had those. No. Like give me those and a Charlotte Hornet starter jacket and an old school. Why was that the best? That was the best starter jacket.lotte hornet starter jacket and an old school why was that the best

that was the best starter jacket if we're talking starter jacket is that color yeah purple and teal baby those were those were the the jam dude what is this yeah this is the video baggy pants guns. Bro, what the fuck? That's an Uzi. All in his jeans, dude. He's like Mary Poppins of jeans. Look at this. Look at this. You're going to pull out a fucking lamp. That's insane.

Yeah, cool, bro. Those pants ought to be heavy as shit. He couldn't walk around, though, could he? Oh, no. Good luck going down some stairs guns banging against your knees and shit so you don't eat ketchup what's another random thing you don't eat do you like like i was thinking about it for me like pizza when i was a kid like and my parents would order like mushrooms on their pizza i'd be like what yeah i don't need now i like to think

about it like when i'm in the shower and shit you think about mushrooms on their pizza, I'd be like, what? Yeah, I don't eat mushrooms on pizza. And now I like think about it like when I'm in the shower and shit. You think about mushrooms on your pizza? Sometimes. It's not bad. Yeah. You think about mushrooms? Yeah. On your pizza.

That's got to be my number one topping if I'm doing toppings. Man, I got to go meat. Meat. Give me that sweet meat. Are you meat lovers? Yeah, dude. Meat lovers. People are you meat lovers yeah dude i like lovers people that got me lovers pizza always freaked me out why dude that's just way too much fucking meat it's like ham pepperoni sausage i'm like damn yeah you can eat more than one piece give me that meat parade that's so much fucking meat dude have you ever gone to like fogo to chow

yeah when i was like in high school. Yeah, dude. The meat parade. That's what I call that shit. Like just bring me. I want a machete. I would like a guy with a sword full of meat and he just goes, you want this? And I'm like, you're goddamn right.

Dude, one time I kept my card green for way too long and I had no idea what was happening. I just kept dropping meat all over my face. And then they try to come at you with like pineapple. I'm like, bro. Oh, what? No. No. Don't you dare.

Quit wasting your time. Sir, you're wasting your time, not mine here. Hashtag most embarrassing childhood moments. Dude, for me, it was the board races. Do you guys have those? Like when your class was... Like the little boards where you're like, there's four like... No, dude.

Whole class is sitting back there. You like divide it up into sides, like this side and that side. And then one person goes to the board and the teacher's like, four times three. Or like... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you're like, fuck. Yeah. I write the 12 the two backwards or some shit i swear to i wrote a backwards three one time fucking think about it every night yeah but those are my those do you have one i would say probably science fair do you you have science fair? I won science fairs.

What'd you do? What was your winning? So like my mom worked in a lab at a hospital and so I had access to lab equipment. And so what I did was we would like, we would try to prove which mouthwash was the most effective, which is a dumb thing to do. That's kind of tight.

It's not. I mean, it is. Like, it sounds good on paper, but then all you really have to do is boil down how much alcohol is in it. And that's it. The one with the most alcohol works. Oh, yeah, definitely.

Alcohol is what kills the germs. So which one was it? Was it Listerine? I believe so, yeah. Because I keep that in my car. Yeah. Listerine? I believe so, yeah. Because I keep that in my car. Yeah. Listerine. Is there another?

Yeah, now all the organic. Is this sponsored by Listerine? No. Okay. Maybe we can get that Listerine sponsorship. Are you about to bad mouth it? No. Okay.

All right there, Johnson. Come on. Oh, shit. I would say the most embarrassing thing that happened to me was, All right there, Johnson. Come on. Oh, shit. I would say the most embarrassing thing that happened to me was, man, I didn't, like, I like gym class, but obviously I wasn't the most athletic person, even though I played like football and stuff. Yeah. But like.

But you had to be, was there one PE like day that you were the shit at? Like everybody's got their day. You know what I mean? I was okay at basketball. Like you look like when you were up at kickball, everybody's like, get the shit at like everybody's got their day you know i was okay at basketball like you look like when you're up at kickball everybody's like get the fuck back i have the fifth grade like dude get the fuck back i like played fifth grade basketball and i had the fifth grade basketball rebounding record i had 20 i'll do 20 22 rebounds in one game in one quarter were you a force like in eighth grade no because i can't imagine you no because i grew all

the sudden i was six two when i graduated i grew uh seven inches after high school oh shit but you're so that's six two's tallest shit yeah did you get in trouble a lot yeah because the people that always get in trouble are always the taller kids i'm also the class clown so i used to challenge teachers all the time what was your what was your thing you got in trouble for that you got like iss for did you get in school suspension uh i got in school suspension what was the point of in school suspension like you're gonna do the same thing only in that room prison what the fuck i got in school suspension for calling the principal an alcoholic. I got an in-school suspension.

When you were in grade school? Wait, what school did you go to? High school. Oh, high school. Okay. In fifth grade. You're an alcoholic. I got an in-school suspension.

What else did I do? Oh, just, yeah, just I would argue with my math teacher whether or not we were going to ever use this. Who? What'd they say? They're like like math is so important and i go i don't feel like i'm ever going to use the pythagorean theorem out of here and i haven't so what would they say they would like math is the cornerstone of life i'm like okay and uh yeah but you're the local comedian uh trent mabry has a pretty good joke.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I just thought about that. I was like, who has that joke? No, he kills that joke. Yeah, Mabry's really good. Best in the state. Well, I mean, that's subjective, but yeah.

For the helium contest. Oh, yeah. He won the helium contest. Best in Indiana. I think Lucas Waterfield's probably my favorite comic. Where was he? He was supposed to be at that show last night. He got the COVID vaccine

and it kind of made him a little sick. So we just moved him two weeks. Nice. Yeah, Lucas Waterfield, funny. Okay, let's do days. Yeah. Day, day, day, day. Days of the funny. Okay. Let's do days. Yeah. Day, day, day, day. Days of the week.

Wednesday. National Beer Day. You drink beer? Nope. You drink anything? I don't drink at all. Thank God. Somebody.

Just on that weed diet. 24 hours. What's like your go-to drink when you get cotton mouth from weed you have one like uh like i drink pepsi are you like a calypso guy no no i'm like sprite is also good you mix it sprite and anything else nah i was honestly using sprite as a covid tester back in the day because i would just go to mcdonald's and order a sprite and if it doesn't feel like uh you were roundhouse kicked in the face by zeus uh then you probably have co is mcdonald's right different crispy different listen to me say this crisp

like it's like getting electrocuted like that first sip of a mcdonald's sprite whoo is there anything that compares the other restaurant is it like just mcdonald's mcdonald's has like a different setup on their soda shut up i swear to god it's like twice filtered talk about it it's double filtered no way double filtered i swear our soft drinks are double filtered like it's like an alcohol commercial alcohol commercial. Because McDonald's and Coke are so, like, closely, like, as a company working together. Coke, like, hooks them up. Yeah. Like, McDonald's has their own specifications.

And so it goes through a double filter system. They're Sprite. But they're Sprite. Dude, I'm serious. Every drink in there? What else do they have on tap? You know, they have Coke, Diet Coke, Sprite. They have Hi-C still?

Yeah. I think Lava lava burst is coming back so we've had it at kilroy's forever lava burst high c yeah just coming out of the fountain is that just broader bull kilroy's is that like a kilroy's thing that's a kilroy's thing probably and then and then uh mcdonald's has powerade too, right? Yeah. Do they have vitamin water? Which fast food joint has vitamin water? I have no idea. Somebody has... Oh, you know what it is?

I think it's fucking Moe's, dude. I think Moe's weird. V-I-T. He can't. V-E-T-I-M-E-N? V-E-T-I-M-E-N water? Vitamin water, triple X. Why does it make me feel perverted when I drink that?

Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah, give me that triple X? Why does it make me feel perverted when I drink that? Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah, give me that triple X vitamin water. Could be McDonald's. But I dare you, Ben. If you're ever around a McDonald's at like 9 in the morning, go get a McDonald's. You don't need coffee, do you? No, no.

Go get a McDonald's Sprite. You don't need coffee for weeks. Yeah. What else? That shit will make make smash mouth play in your head hey now every every sub have you seen the video now what's up have you seen the video clip of the lead singer of smash mouth he's at like a music like not even a music festival it's almost like a county fair in Milwaukee. What's his name?

I don't know. It's just Smash Mouth. You could literally type this in. It's the guys from Smash Mouth playing a music festival where for some odd reason, they gave everybody loaves of bread. And during the concert, people are just whipping loaves of bread at the lead singer of Smash Mouth. And he loses his shit and threatens to kill everybody. They gave out bread?

Yeah, dude. It's awesome. That sounds like a concert I want to be at. And they threw bread at him. Yeah. You can just see like little loaves of bread. Yo, if you hit me again, I'll kill you. Is there sound on it? kill you.

Is there sound on it? I don't know. Yeah, but definitely go watch that on YouTube. If you want to feel good about yourself, think to yourself, well, at least I'm not at a county fair. I think I talk about Smash Mouth every podcast. Good. Does McDonaldald's have dr pepper too i don't know i've never been

a big dr pep guy people like exclusively ask her that i work at the at the restaurant over there and their idea of dr pepper it's like their first. They do? Dude, they have fucking everything. Is Dr. Pepper Pepsi? No. They're their own. Dr. Pepper and 7-Up and something else are their own thing. Sunkissed. Yeah, I think so. Okay, national Fanta is Coca-Cola's.

Wanna Fanta? Don't you wanna? Do they still do that? Those commercials? I haven't seen one in a while those Fanta girls but I haven't had cable in years so yeah true when people like

ask me to look up a channel on TV does that happen to you at Kilroy's ever oh you don't you probably not in charge of that no I'm not in charge of that I mean they'll tell me like hey can I watch this game on tape or TV whatever and I'll tell the manager dude what's like a what's the biggest altercation you've ever been at the door at kill rose um so it was like july 3rd at like two o'clock in the afternoon

i was standing outside with another big bouncer his name is dre and we were standing outside and we just kept hearing this lady just fucking screaming at the top of the parking lot. Yeah. And she was just yelling about something. And then I heard this dude goes, I don't put up with that shit. I don't put up with that shit. And then I just hear a slapping sound. And then I hear the girl just start crying.

And I see the guy come out from the other side of a SUV. just start crying and i see the guy come out from the other side of a suv um and then another guy comes from another side as he goes don't you ever touch my sister again and then that guy punched that dude in the face you saw it yeah and this is like from me yeah and it's like from me to where that car is over there and so he punched him in the face. And while that dude was, like, falling back from the punch, I watched him take his hand, reach into the back of his pants, pull out a hand cannon. And so he swung it around, and he passed my body and Dre's body. And right when he was about to shoot this dude in our parking lot, his girlfriend came and grabbed his hand and said, don't you shoot him. And then, like, just absolute hell broke loose. his girlfriend came and grabbed his hand and said don't you shoot him uh and then like just all absolute hell broke loose like and so like the two people that almost got shot tried to come

running into the restaurant we stopped them because we're just like no we're just like we're just like hey we don't really want any of this in here right now uh and so they didn't get to come in but i know a couple bullets have been fired at Kilroy's. While you were there? Not while I was there. This is a downtown. A couple of people. You live kind of downtown, right?

I live in Fletcher. Why don't you work at that one? I've worked at Broad Ripple forever and I'm the head of bouncing there. Oh, fuck. The bounce house? Plus, I just like Broad Ripple. I used to live in broad ripple forever so national coffee cake day yeah dude go see sam's they got that coffee cub or coffee sam's club

no like sam uh eddie sam psalm psalm sorry psalms like psalms has got a coffee cake subscription service psalms yeah eddie psalms like that yeah that guy owns sam it's probably no it's s-a-h-m eddie psalms yeah i got a psalms place this is a store. They have a subscription, like a magazine? Yeah, like every month you get a different coffee cake. Like to your house? Yeah. Just like that size? Yeah, they're like 45 bucks a piece.

Coffee cake. That's one of those things that when I was a kid, I was like, huh? And now I'm like, oh my fucking God. At Starbucks, when you see that in the little bakery. Dude, Meijer sells these little coffee cakes that are made with 7-Up in them. I saw that. They're so good. Yeah, you look like 7-Up cake.

Jesus Christ. Dude, you so would try that. Do they have other, like, do they have Sprite cake? No. I mean, I'm sure other places they do. They gotta have Dr. Pepper cake. Yeah, that sounds like something that would happen. Probably in like Texas.

Bring that to a party and steal your girl. Probably. National Thursday. Zoo Lovers Day. You been? I've been to a zoo. Like recently? Nah. Like recently? Nah.

Like when's the last time? Probably like four years. Damn. Did you just go solo? What's up? Nah, I went with a friend. I think we were going. Yeah.

You were high as a kite for that. Oh, definitely. 100%. Yeah. Did you see what was your favorite animal? I like snakes. Does it have a big ass snake in there? I went to the

Fort Wayne Zoo. That's where I went. Is that like not as poppin' as the Indianapolis Zoo? No. What's the best zoo? Toledo, I think, or San Diego. I thought San Diego was up there. San Diego's up there. Toledo has a big zoo. Like, it's a good zoo. I think that's what they're known for.

Top zoos. I don't know about the Indianapolis Zoo, dude. I think it's, like, bottom. It's, like, not good. Is that one of those listicles where you have to go through every slide just to see? I hate those. What a scheme. Yeah, I went to the Indianapolis Zoo

not too long ago. They didn't have anything good. The lion was even like, nah, fuck that. He didn't even come out. That's two. What's number one? Zoo in Nebraska. It's always at least a big city, though. It's not like

Toledo. That's so odd friday national name yourself day what yeah you ever look at yourself in the mirror and be like i don't think my name should be alex you ever do that no one time i looked by a mirror and i was like i look like a fucking peter. You ever do some shit like that? Yeah. I thought you looked like a Peter a lot. No. Seriously?

Peter or like a... I don't know. Maybe like a Dominic. You definitely got a Dominic in you. Or Nick. People always think my name's Nick. Nicky? No.

Yo, Nicky Polizzi over here. What would you change your name to? You know when you're in like sixth grade, you're going to change your name probably. Any Andrew? Why? Does that go by Drew or something? Why not just Drew? I don't know.

Andrew makes like Andrew. More sophisticated. Yeah. Andrew in the streets. Drew in the streets. You're so sophisticated. Yeah. Andrew in the streets, drew in the, Andrew, Andrew price. It sounds like a president.

Yeah, you're right. Friday, national ASMR day. Is it do ASMR for your whole entire day so far. From the moment you woke up till now, do ASMR. Explain it to us. So I woke up this morning.

Dude, I'm fucking grossed out. And I had a Pepsi Cola to wake up. Was it glass? It was. It wasn't glass. You're bougie. A little bit. And my eyes dilate.

Wait, wait, wait. Make the noise of the... I didn't ask for that. I mean, I didn't ask for the drinking sound effects. But do them again. No. I, after that, I bought plane tickets to Denver, Colorado for shows I have coming up. Oh, shit.

And I was pretty nervous that they were going to try to charge me for an extra seat. Oh, fuck. But we'll figure that out when I get there, which will cause mild anxiety. The whole affair. To a full-blown fucking tantrum. Has that happened before? Obviously. Look at me then.

So you have to buy two seats and put the armrest up in the middle. Usually what happens is the flight attendants look at me and they go, ah, shit. Do they have a special seat they break out? Sometimes.

Do they just pop the vent and get the raft out? Sometimes they'll give me my whole row. And then I'll just be like, we'll be back with a Coca-Cola because we know you want one. And then I'll... Keep going. I'm not done with this. And then after I booked my plane tickets,

I had to do it in my car because I realized that's where I left my wallet. And then when I was in my car and I realized it was still before 1030, I was like, holy shit, I can go to Burger King for breakfast. And so I went. What time is their breakfast? 1030 is their cutoff, Ben. And so I went. What time is their breakfast? 10.30 is their cutoff, Ben. And then I went there and I got two sausage,

egg, and cheese crust sandwiches with the flaky crust. So flaky, Ben. Oh my God. And then I popped them into my mouth. But after I got him home, and then I took several bong rips,

and then I went to therapy and I complained about that article that talked about hustle culture And then I took several bong rips. And then I went to therapy. And I complained about that article that talked about hustle, culture, and comedy to my therapist, who doesn't care. What'd she say? She's like, well, I don't understand what the big deal is. And I go, of course you don't, Lauren. I pay you. Sliding scale, of course.

Sliding scale. You're the poorest person who comes here. So we have to care about your problems. You're a tax write-off. Also, if you commit suicide, it'll take way more people than six to carry your casket.

Maybe just one unlucky dump truck driver. We might just burn the building you're in. And we'll light a match. And then we'll pour gasoline. And then we'll throw the match. And it'll go whoosh. And then they'll just the match and it'll go whoosh. And then they'll just

Bye bye Andrew Price. Scoop up the ashes with a snow shovel and put it in a dumpster behind a Culver's. Oh shit. That was poetic. Thank you.

Alright dude. Happy ASMR Appreciation Day. That's shot 153. Follow Alex Price on Instagram at Illuminati underscore HR rep and on Twitter at Alex Price indeed. Follow me at Benedict Polizzi on TikTok, Instagram, Cameo, Twitter. Do you have any shows coming up? I will be at the Drop Comedy Club

in South Bend, Indiana the 15th and 16th of this month. And then I will also be in Denver, Colorado on the 27th, I believe. I like your high ponytail, sir. It's very nice. You're not listening, though, because you're wearing earbuds.

Nice. I've got a show at Helium on August 27th. Come out and see us soon. Who are you opening for? I'm not really sure. They just said 27th, and I said yeah. All right. Well, yeah, the 28th, and I said yeah. All right. Well, yeah, the 28th I'll be in Denver, Colorado.

And then 29th, 30th, and May 1st I will be in Fort Collins, Colorado. Turn up. Turn up. All right. Also come to the Sunday show every Sunday. Every Sunday at Black Circle. At Black Circle Brewing for free. Hello, sir. How are you?

Looking good. Okay, talk to you guys next week. I am.