Espresso - things that should be illegal

Episode Date: April 28, 2021

mmhahHAha this week ben asks the fam if they were president what's something irrelevant they would make illegal ( ˡⁱᵏᵉ ˢᵃʸⁱⁿᵍ "ᶜʰᵉᵉʳˢ" ʷⁱᵗʰ ˢᵒᵐᵉᵒⁿ�� ᵉˡˢᵉ ᵇᵉᶠᵒʳᵉ ᵗᵒᵘᶜʰⁱⁿᵍ FOOD) ehem he talks about his phobia of random noises, zac efron's bee sting face AND changing his dad's ringtone to britney spears and it going off in the middle of a meeting. Bennie realizes he still can't read in public and agrees that if you aren't looking at everyone's ass in church you're going to hell. Later in the pod he imagines cartoons being taller in real life than you think they are and immediately gets scared af obviously, then he goes  #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄!   𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com. I think. Late Espresso. Cleveland! This is for you! Cleveland! This is for you! Cleveland! This is for you!

Cleveland! People who can't take anything seriously! This is for you! Cleveland! People who can't focus on anything for more than five seconds and can't even watch TV anymore! This is for you! Yeah. Spending P.O. for more than five seconds and can't even watch tv anymore this is for you yeah spinning p okay yeah okay yep okay yep

i know you guys just heard that hawk back there this like this cracks me up hold on this right here this i know you guys heard this just this crow in the background for no reason while this guy was recording in the studio he's making this beat there's just a bunch of fucking crows by his window i love that shitting song. Ha! Yeah. Bendy P. Can't focus. No jokers.

Hocus Pocus. My favorite drink is cocus. Yeah. What's up? Shot 156. Espresso podcast with Ben Polizzi. remember to follow on ig tiktok cameo twitter uh what's good dude what's good i just worked my first shift as a bartender

a bartender it was fun i felt in control even though i had no idea what i was doing but uh it was fun it was fun come to the if you, even though I had no idea what I was doing. But it was fun. It was fun. If you know where I work, come to the restaurant. You can buy a drink. No, but I'm hype about it. I'm hype about it. What's been going on? That picture Zac Efron dropped where he looks like he got some forward on the Red Wings. Just hit 15 slap shots to his face.

People used to tell me I looked like Zac Efron, which was dope. And then he got that surgery. And now people say I look more like him. So I don't know. Yes. He's got hockey puck face. he's got beehive face he looks like he got he looks like he got stung by a bee for sure and he had to take that shot I don't know what it is but I've never been scared of uh bee stings you know what I mean I don't know I've never been scared of bees I don't give a fuck about bees honestly

like if people are running from a bee I'm just sitting there in the back and I'm like like bees have a thing with me they're like he's one of us I'm gonna jinx the fuck out of myself for this but bees I don't think I've ever been stung like when I see bees I'm like I don't care and I kill them like they're uh like they're

like lightning bugs or something actually i feel kind of bad when i kill lightning bugs like remember we used to just we used to like put lightning bugs in a jar and just like trap them in a room and they'd all just die there whoops they're like the nicest bugs ever they're like hey they're like fun they're like entertaining bugs we just capture them all and just fucking why why did we think like feeding them with just like a couple blades of grass was cool? Like, they're fine. Poke some holes in the top of the jar. I felt bad killing lightning bugs.

Now, now I do. But bees, bees are out for blood. I'll fucking kill 45 bees right now. You ever see one of those big ass bumblebees? Holy shit. And get scared for your life. You ever see like, dude, one time I saw a big ass bumblebee in my garage growing up and I was like, I'm not going outside for two days. It was like the size of a peach in the air. I was like, what the fuck? That's not allowed, dude. A bee bee that big and it was loud dude if there's a bumblebee in your garage

you can hear it from your upstairs bathroom like it's still here it's still here I can still hear it Benny that's the microwave I don't care I think it's still here holy shit nah I don't give a fuck about bees but Zac Efron's face did care about I don't care. I think it's still here. Holy shit. No, I don't give a fuck about bees, but Zac Efron's face did care about bees. I don't know, man.

Is that... I look like Botox Zac Efron. I look like Slapshot to the face Zac Efron. Hack Efron. What else is going on on the internet? DMX had a whole entire... DMX had his funeral procession, and it was like 96,000 people on motorcycles

in a big-ass monster truck carrying his casket. That's like my worst nightmare procession. I'd be in my apartment like... for 25 minutes. Speaking of motorcycles, the question of the week is, if you were president, what's something irrelevant that you would make illegal?

And for me, dude's i just can't maybe it's because i live downtown and i'm like biased but when i hear a motorcycle and it's loud i'm like i've got that thing i don't know what like phobia that is but if i hear a sound dude i can't sounds fuck me up like if i'm with somebody in a car and they like their seatbelt alarms going off and they're like acting like they're not bothered by it I think they're a straight up liar bro if somebody's in their car and they're driving and their seatbelt alarms going off ding ding ding and they're not reacting to it just pull their car over on the highway look at them dead in the eyes like you're gonna make out with them and go how's that not bother you you fucking liar how's that not bother you my dad will drive from fucking indianapolis indiana to austin texas

with the seat belt off 15 hours he's the most annoying man in the world dude i've always had a thing with sounds i don't know where i get that from dude but like the microwave the fucking microwave that thing beeps twice i'm like i'm not hungry anymore i'm good dude i swear to god i'll get in a fucking fight because of a sound. We can't date. Hashtag we can't date if if your food's done cooking and you don't sprint to the microwave like someone's fucking dying.

The seatbelt alarm and the microwave has got to be the worst two of all time. What's the third one? Any type of sensor. Actually, low-key, a fucking ringtone. One time I put my dad's ringtone on Britney Spears Oops I did it again Yay How low rise does Britney Spears shorts need to be in her Instagram post anyway?

Have you seen that? I know everybody looks at Britney Spears Instagram. Dude, her shorts. Right here. Right there. I played with your heart. Got lost in the game. They're so low.

I'm like Brit Brat. Any lower, we're going to be able to see your fucking brisket. We're going to be able to see your brisket spears. Anyway, I changed my dad's. This is when cell phones first came out. Me and my dad had the same cell phone. So I was like like this bitch and i changed i bought this on his on his phone because he's like yeah b give me some ringtone so i was like what the fuck i guess we'll get him like 50 cent in the club

and i'll like download some joke ass ones i i set this as my ringtone for my dad. This song right here. This part of the song though, doesn't it just sound like a dead fucking dog? Me when I'm sleeping and hungry as fuck hey ben you uh you want something to eat you want some pizza rolls me and dead sleep drool over my pillow such a fucking anyway anyway anyway okay set this as my dad's ringtone he's in a fucking football meeting with 19 000000 guys in it in one room I totally forgot like that I did that and I called him like the next Tuesday and this is how we're gonna beat the What a fucking vibe kill Actually that's the only thing I would need to win a game Is for that to happen

I can't get excited for shit like that He was like you know what happened today at our meeting B I was like oh shit I've told this story before But I'm gonna tell it again Probably like every story on this podcast. Because, I mean, people don't listen to all these podcasts, so I got to like fucking retell some of the stories.

You know what I mean? But this dude one time, dude, now he's the head coach at UND basketball. And he was at the free throw line in high school. And like the dance teams were getting ready to come out for halftime, and this was one minute before halftime, so they're queuing up the music for the dance team and shit, and this dude's at the free throw line. He's going to break, this is so funny,

he's going to break the record for consecutive made free throws. One minute before halftime, and the dance teams are going to come out and shit and everybody's like all right they're like beating this team pretty well dude and uh he's he's like doing his free throw routine like spins the ball everybody knows this is the one to tie puts it up swish perfect every oh he's gonna beat the record like You can hear people talking in the crowd like the next free throw. He's going to break the record. The ref's like, one shot, one shot.

Everybody's like, he's going to break the record. Gets the ball. Does his little routine again. Spins it. Bounces on the ground three times. He's eyeing the rim. He's ready to fucking pull it. he's eyeing the rim you know he's like ready to fucking pull it the cheerleading coach accidentally plays this right as he's getting ready to shoot it

lets it go and it clanks off the front of the rim front of the rim. Too high can't come down. Dude, can you imagine being that cheerleader coach? And for the record, here he goes.

Right when he goes to release it. Baby, can't you see I'm gone? Dude, didn't break it Just tied it Why didn't you break the record huh Uh

Because of the best pop star I've ever heard in my life Anyway alright Uh yeah so What were we just talking about Holy shit oh question of the week Anyway, alright. Yeah, so... What were we just talking about? Holy shit. Oh, question of the week. Let's see what the fam said.

Quick, quick, quick, quick. Question of the week. Okay. If you're the president, what's something irrelevant that you would make illegal? This is my favorite shit to talk about because I love this. Sounds. Literally. All phones. This is my favorite shit to talk about Because I love this Sounds Literally All phones All phones are now

Silent What if we get a call? You stare at your phone screen Until your eyes bleed Silent. What if we get a call? You stare at your phone screen until your eyes bleed. No, seriously, though. All right, here we go. If you're a president, what's something irrelevant that you'd make illegal? CD LA Bar.

CD La Bar. The toe shoes. Who's really fucking wearing those? I get it if you're, damn, there are some freaky fucking weird ass annoying people in the gym that wear those toe shoes. Everybody automatically hates you if you wear those. That's just a fact. Those get no fucking nothing toe shoes unless you're you got to be like the strongest most cut like black guy ever to wear those sorry you definitely can't be white to wear those those toe shoes what the fuck maybe if you're like a triathlon runner

and you're like low-key uh in a ninja gang asian people can wear them asian people can wear anything that's the only exception asian people asian people could wear floaties a fucking grandma diaper in a burger king hat and people would be like dude can pull it off holy shit this is a good one. JBK on air. If you're the president, what's something irrelevant that you would make illegal? Talking on a Bluetooth headset in public.

First of all, people that have Bluetooth headsets. Is it the new millennium? Millennium. People that still have Bluetooth headsets. Hey, they're not That means you're poor People who have bluetooth headsets Makes them think it looks like they're rich

Hey guess what it means you're poor When people are like just talking on the phone Honestly on their airpods I'm like no way I've ever thought They were talking on their airpods I'm like what'd you say I do that every single time I'm like, no way I've ever thought they were talking on their AirPods. I'm like, what'd you say? Huh?

I do that every single time. It is so, like, overwhelming. How would you ever feel comfortable just doing that? You gotta be a psychopath just to, like, have AirPods in and be, like, at a Starbucks, like, oh, yeah. And then, like, I told him that we weren't going. And he still insisted, like, just out loud when everybody else is just like minding their own business what the fuck kind of and they're never like sorry that you think that they're talking to you they're like completely unaware about it like what the like you're in the wrong for thinking that they're kind of rude they tap their ear i'm sorry i I hate that. Or people that are listening to music in places that there shouldn't be listening to music.

Who gave you the fucking right? At a restaurant, at a table. I'm like, this is not the place! Checking out at the mall, someone listening to music in front of me. I was like, dude. No? No! No, you don't need to

be listening to Little Baby right now while you're buying a graphic tee from PacSun. No! In line at PacSun holding a shirt that says Thrasher on it. Just for like three minutes straight. Just kidding. that's straight.

Just kidding. Hey, sir, did you find everything okay? Sir? Do you have a PacSun rewards card? Sir? Sir, can you, uh, hand over your items this way so we can check out? Sir?

Jesus. Yeah, I'd make it illegal. People would bitch about that. You can't take away my freedom of fucking listening to the things that I enjoy. Oh shit, Jimmy McCurran. If you were president, what's something irrelevant you would make illegal? Not returning a shopping cart. Why wouldn't you?

People that don't return shopping carts, like, you're missing out on a lot of fucking fun, bro. You ever bowled before? Yeah? You kind of liked it. You ever bowled with a shopping cart? That's how I know I'm never going to be an adult. The day I return a shopping cart into a cart corral like a normal human citizen is the day that I am ready to start a family.

Dude, I'll be 75 fucking pushing that bitch like a skateboard, riding on the back and letting it launch. 75 miles per hour. Hitting the post right in between stay right and i always forget about that part too going to the store i'm like you put all the groceries in your car you're like you always have to piss and then you're like there's just one last thing to do. Your face, your eyes get fucking crazy as shit. My mom, all my loved ones that I went to the store with. Don't fucking do it.

Me though. My eyes turn white. Thunder in the fucking sky don't fucking do it Benny don't do it then all you see is this I'm like kicking my back foot on the ground Like kicking up dust like a fucking raging bull

When I hit that fucking post in the middle How does a cart Dude carts are indestructible Why doesn't our military just invade places With Meijer shopping carts Have you seen those Whole Foods shopping carts? They have cup holders, fucking four-wheel drive,

power locks, tinted windows. That thing gotta hear me. Those are insane. Those are so extravagant. That thing gotta hear me. Instakitty. Those are so extravagant That thing gotta hear me Insta kitty What's something irrelevant that you would make illegal? Noisy plastic packaging

Potato chip bags, candy wrappers, etc Drives me fucking nuts Yeah My mom used to buy like these mini cherry turnovers And the packaging The little like container it came in was on fucking surround sound. You could be the cutest bitch on earth. Hey, I'm just going to get a mini cherry turnover.

Okay. Okay. Dude, that thing will kill your fucking grandparents. What else was dude? Shit bags. Sun shit bags. Is there a video about else was dude shit bags sun shit bags is there a video about that sun shit bags those are so loud so unnecessarily loud irrelevant things you would make illegal nothing more annoying than a cyclist acting as a car and taking up the entire lane on a main road in Chicago.

Yeah, cyclists. Dude, I saw some lady on a bird scooter abiding by traffic laws the other day. She's like fucking 58 years old. Mama's first bird trap. Yeah, the bikers are ridiculous. Bikers think they run shit. Like, hey, you don't have to fucking look like you're on the Tour de France every time you get on your bike.

Cut right. Dude, if a guy gets hit on a bike, I'm like, I don't know, man. Dude, every time, me every time I stop at a red light and my whole entire car is on top of the crosswalk whoops i can't help it if i'm behind the crosswalk i can't see anything like on the road i need to turn on there's like an entire there's like an entire building in the way i'm like how am i supposed to turn there's huh how am i supposed to turn all i'm saying is a wall if i creep up like seven feet and get on top of the crosswalk and don't let anybody cross then i can finally make a turn i'm the worst at that

and cutting across uh parking lots like store parking lots if i'm going to like a meyer target or something and there's a spot open in the front and i'm in the back of the parking lot i'm not like going down the parking lot like lanes i'm with me right across diagonally my mom used to be like stop you're gonna get hit you're not gonna i'm like everybody's parked kyle maris what's something irrelevant you would make illegal people who say You're going to get hit. You're not going to. I'm like, everybody's parked. Kyle Maris. What's something irrelevant you would make illegal? People who say cheers and then touch their food together. Dude, people do that?

Cheers before taking a shot is even like, hey, are we seven? Are we seven in Ireland? Is it St. Patrick's Day? Cheers. Let's Day? Cheers. Let's just shut up and drink. Cheers and touch their food together? That's psycho shit. That's jail time.

Time for jail. 1-800-TIME-FOR-JAIL. Imagine having like a Big Mac and somebody else did too. Cheers. Cheers. Don't want to eat anymore. Shine bright like a underscore demon. Ooh. Weird.

What's something irrelevant you would make illegal? Corporate offices being open on July 5th. Yeah, there's a lot of days. After holidays, I'm like, are you sure we should come to work? Holy shit. I was so fucked up one day after. On July 5th. My whole head felt inside out.

I was like, how you doing? My face was beet red from like being on a lake so fucked up i was my body temperature was like 180 degrees the whole day i was like yep doing just fine it felt like satan was just fucking breathing down my neck all day and i was just at work uh-huh yeah i'll get it done for you. July 4th is a noon and later holiday. Nobody wants to go back to work on the 5th after fireworks and beer the day before. It's so true.

Be smart. Don't drink beer. Don't be stupid. You're a responsible adult. It is unfair. It's fucked up. That gotta work. That gotta work. I gotta work.

The amount of fucking work we do. Five days a week, two weekend days. And on the two weekend days, all you're doing is like cleaning. Ew. Did I heard people in Italy, like they don't think that way at all. They work like one day a week and they're like, is this fine? Is this fine? They lay out. They lay out.

They lay out rest of time. Body need rest. It's true, dude. People in America work so fucking much. That's why we're all psycho and we all lose our hair in 15 fucking seconds. Here we go. Being Anastasia, what's something irrelevant you would make illegal if you're

the president more than one inch long artificial nails maybe even more than half and nails sharpened to a point straight to jail get your psycho finger stabbers away that's probably where covid resides beautiful bitches nasty nails. Holy shit. It is hilarious watching somebody with fake nails try to do anything on their phone. They have to get so fucking mad. You know when you post your story on Instagram? You're like posting a repost on Instagram. You try to put text on the picture and it goes behind it.

You're like, ah! You know what I mean? How does an Instagram come out with a 10 fucking page letter apology about that? That's got to be the most infuriating thing in the world. Trying to put text on a picture and it just completely fucking goes behind the picture after you work, like, for 20 minutes to get it in the right spot. And all the emojis and all the little stars and all the... Finally, behind it. Ah!

If that happened to me and I had acrylic nails on, I would chop them all off with a knife. One by one. Ah! Dude, that is the most... I cannot believe Instagram hasn't fixed that. What is happening? What's the reasoning? Yep, yep, yep.

That's where I want my text. Right behind what the fuck I'm showing people. Somebody explain that. The amount where I want my text. Right behind what the fuck I'm showing people. Somebody explain that. The amount of time I've spent. If you're president, what's something irrelevant you would make illegal? Hoffman hikes. Damn. Imagine liking hiking so much.

It's your name. It's your username. Slow walkers at the grocery store. Slow walkers in general. People can walk slow, but if you're not aware of your surroundings, like, dude, if you're not aware that somebody's trying to pass you and you're walking slow, like, you need to fucking... You need some coffee or something.

Clay J. Seal, something irrelevant that you would make illegal. Talking on speakerphone in public. Yeah, that's true. That's the truest thing. I can't even talk on the phone in public, not speakerphone. I can't even talk on the phone when my roommate's in my apartment, I go out in the hallway. I'm like, dude, it's so annoying when somebody's on a phone. You're like watching TV and somebody's just next to you for like two minutes, like ordering a pizza. Large hand toss, one topping, make it pepperoni and light salt. What'd you say?

What'd you say? I'm like, get the fuck out tribe called checks what's something irrelevant that you would make illegal mullets fucking dangerous promote idiocy incest outright stupidity anything worse than making our country look like a bunch of flapjacks yeah people do rock mullets hard now like there's always a guy you, that has a mullet. It's just like, I don't know. It's the most, like, I don't care thing, you know, because you know no girls like mullets.

And you know none of the guy's friends are like, fuck yeah, bro, just do you. Everybody's just like, you know his mom's like, uh, nobody likes him. Like, ugh. Nobody likes them. Here's some. Hawksfan1516.

If you were president, what's something irrelevant you would make illegal? Styrofoam. The sound it makes when it rubs against literally anything is the worst. I kind of like that sound. Some people in sounds, really uh confuses me it's like nails on a chalkboard you have nails on the chalkboard the actual sound when people do that i'm like i can't even or like silverware on a plate when they're like that doesn't even register for me there we go cozy 19 what's something if your president was something irrelevant you'd make That doesn't even register for me.

There we go. Cozy19, if your president was something irrelevant, you'd make it legal triple texting someone. That's how I text, honestly. I don't give a shit about triple texting. I'll send 15 texts in a row if it's something I'm talking about. I've never felt shame about that, triple texting. He triple texted me.

Only thing I can think of when triple texting would be illegal is when you're in a fight with your girlfriend. She doesn't want to talk to you. And you're like, hey, come on, babe. Like that. Let's go viral. Viral. That was pretty good. Hashtag mock a supervillain.

Superman, Loki. If we're really doing this, Superman is a weird superhero to think about. If he didn't look like a human, nobody would like Superman. If he looked like an alien which he is like dude how we how like how dumb do you have to be to think that he's not clark kent oh dude just looks just like superman and superman's like a god you know what i mean he's like always in the papers and shit and this guy that works for the paper is just like him. With glasses on.

And just nobody knows. That's gotta be the dumbest shit. It's a fucking cartoon. Yeah, I know, but still. It's like if Jesus just had glasses on and worked for the paper. Oh, yeah. Did you see the miracle? He walked on water talking to him.

Superman is like weird. He's weird. He might not even have a dick. You know what I mean? Like that's something that nobody knows. Who knows? And you use your goddamn

ice breath and heat vision Superman. God. What do I have to do? Growing up watching Superman cartoons, that dude would never use his laser vision. I was like, yo, bro, just go. Do it right now.

Hashtag said during sex. Sex. I was like, stutter. Of course, dude. My dad during sex. That's so gross to think about, but my dad during sex that's that's so gross to think about but my dad during sex would like say something completely wrong oh yeah oh yeah those are some big potatoes okay that's fucked up but it's funny you know what i mean

all those words he fucks up During sex Yeah I'm folking ya Alright I'm Atlanta folking ya Let's do days I need a song for days Days of the week

Da da da da Days of the week Wednesday National Denim Day It's still incredibly To me that Every single person In the world We wears jeans every single

day of their lives and it'll never get old never never whoever made jeans levi great poetry reading day dude i don't know if it's just me but like when i read something out loud or like when i read something in my head, I swear to God, I'll read the same line twice. You know, you ever like read like the third line of a paragraph and you read the third line again, or like you start to read the third line. I did. I always had to put my finger under each line when I was reading out loud in school. So I wouldn't fuck that up. Is he blind or can he not read? Both. That was my biggest fear, reading the same exact line twice. Sometimes people did it and I'd be like, oh, oh, close one. Why is that so embarrassing? Reading, why is reading itself so embarrassing you have to do that shit in school we need to do that shit in school and you accidentally say

orgasm instead of organism god what a trap i swear to. Every time I read the word organism to this day, I'm like, orgasm? Ha ha. Oh, shit. I'm in school. Thursday. International zipper day. Man, the amount of times my zipper's down and I don't know it. You know, you always know somebody that, like, always has their zipper down and you gotta tell them.

Why is that, like, the most, like, uh... uh, why do I get like a confidence boost when I'm talking to somebody and their zipper's down? I'm like, Hey, your zipper's down. Like, why do I think I'm the shit after that? I'm such a bitch. If I call somebody out that their zipper's down, I think I own them. Hey, your zipper. Yeah.

So, uh, what were you saying about me being the smartest guy in the world? When your zipper's down, how fucking dumb do you feel? Oh, whoop. Oh, man. I really, there was a girl walking around in a restaurant the other day, and she had toilet paper coming out of her top of her jeans like a cartoon I was like how did that actually even happen

and if you're wondering if I got her attention said ma'am there's something on your ass no I did not why cause it was like I don't know just let her family deal with it we were sitting behind some lady in church one time and she had toilet paper coming out of her ass

and I was like, how the fuck does that even happen? You just forgot? You just forgot and left it in there? You just crumbled up a piece of toilet paper and stuck it between your ass like a goddamn bunny and you forgot you had a tail? In church. Like the place where you're staring at everyone's ass and you got a toilet paper tail if you're not looking at everybody's

ass in church then i'm sorry you're going to hell. Seriously, the communion line. Like if you're on the end of the row in church and there's a communion line and you're not just 100% judging everyone walking by you, you're going to hell. That's the only reason church exists is to look at everybody's shoes in that line. And ass. Dude, that is the weirdest thing. everybody's shoes in that line and ass dude that is the weirdest thing that's all i used to do in school is just watch people go up to community and be like ah she's kind of hot he's hot she's kind of hot she's hot ew what the fuck oh she's hot i hate that fucking teacher she's probably gonna yell at me i gotta look straight

friday honesty day imagine being honest I might be one of the most honest people dude I have a hard time lying about shit I feel like I'm too old to lie like if I lie about something I'll forget that I lied about it

and completely fuck myself over so I'm like I'm too dumb to lie I'm not even gonna try Dude if I lie about something I'm like wow I fucked up Why did they figure out no? I just know I'm gonna forget that I lied about that and then it's gonna get uncovered like down the road You can't lie can't lie. You can't successfully really lie It always gets fucked up I'm so bad at lying I feel like other people have to help me out with my lie you know what I mean you know when somebody can tell when you're lying and they just like let it

slide they're like all right sounds good then you're like, oh shit. National Bugs Bunny Day. Bugs Bunny, the most main character of all time, right behind the red M&M. Damn, man. Bugs Bunny is, Bugs Bunny or Mickey Mouse? Bugs Bunny. Bugs Bunny is the most powerful cartoon ever I never really saw him like mess up ew if I saw Bugs Bunny in real life oh shit I'm gonna scare myself late night express I'm gonna get scared dude if you saw Bugs Bunny in real life and he was a little taller

than what you think he is you'd completely freeze up and faint to me Bugs Bunny is like three feet tall and you're like okay with that To me, Bugs Bunny is like three feet tall and you're like, okay with that, dude. But if Bugs Bunny was motherfucking ass was like five feet tall, you'd be like, ah, dude, that is terrifying right now to me. Holy shit. Anything that's kind of tall any, like anything, anytime I think of a cartoon and it's kind of tall, I'm like, oh fuck, that's

disgusting. Like if Bugs Bunny walked by your door at night and he was a little taller than what you thought, you'd be like. I'm going to scare myself. Holy shit, I'm going to scare myself. Okay. National Oatmeal Cookie Day. Sometimes I just need an oatmeal cookie to give me a reality check. You know what I mean?

I'll have two fucking crazy cookies and have oatmeal cookies and be like, okay, okay, that's who I really am. Oatmeal cookie is who I am as a person. The cookie you like is who you are as a person. If you like M&M cookies, you're fucking psycho. They're good, though. Saturday. Free comic book day.

I used to post up at the store when my mom... Dude, I figured this out way too late growing up. But when my mom was at the store when I was a kid, I used to post up and I always, obviously you always want to go to the toys. Can we go to the toy aisle? Did I always post it up in the comics for a little bit? And I'd like low key try to see some boobs. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like I'd end up like looking in the muscle and fitness magazine to see like some bikini bods.

Holy shit. But like sometimes comic books were straight up like way too sexy and those are for kids i was like oh that's why we are the way we are yeah low-key though muscle and fitness i'd be like yeah I wanna see how to Work out Whoa Kohl's magazines Holy shit that's playboy baby The like lingerie section

In JCPenney catalogs I was like this is god damn These girls are hot. It's all we had in the house, mommy. Saturday, Sunday, Sunday, National Paranormal Day. Yeah, right now Low key, no I have to do overnight shifts In this building at Emmys

It's already scary because it's 3am And you're in an empty building all by yourself Like I am right now But the radio station that you're listening to the whole time Is about aliens and ghost sightings I'm hot, I'm hot right now I gotta go Low key leaving

Shout 156 Thanks for listening Another week of espresso For real man Thanks for commenting And sharing Like my All my social media stuff

Like I really appreciate that Follow the homies I'm in the videos with Austin Taylor Joey Molinaro All those dudes I have on my podcast Follow the homies I'm in the videos with. Austin Taylor, Joey Molinaro, all those dudes I have on my podcast. Follow them because they're good people. They're the squad. They're fam. They're fam. They're fam.

Remember to follow, subscribe, tell your homies about the pod, and get them on the fam, dude. I'll adopt them. I'll adopt them. They want to be in the fam? I'll adopt them I'll adopt them they wanna be in the fam I'll adopt keep following

keep sharing keep subscribing do it all man seriously this thing's gonna pop one day and it's gonna be fun it's gonna be a fun ride thank you guys for listening

I'll talk to you guys next week I have fam in. I'll talk to you guys next week. I've found... I've never heard that part of that song and it scared the shit out of me just now. That little like weird creepy like xylophone tune thing. Listen.

Right here. I'll talk to you guys next week baby can't you see I'm calling a guy like you should wear a warning