Espresso - things you believed for too long

Episode Date: July 24, 2025

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What the fuck? My mom was always the uni team, right? The most important, the only uni team. So I was like, I guess. Greatest singers And we're the greatest motherfucking dancers We're the great pretenders I was singing zone.

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I believed Sex in the City was porn. Who didn't? What a name for a TV show, bro. You got me hooked. All of a sudden you make a show called Sex in the City. How many 12 year olds want to watch that show? 12 year olds let alone moms. But I was like I gotta see what it's all about. Sex in ha ha ha ha! Watching it later. Gotta at least try.

All you're doing as a kid is trying to see boobs on TV. Number one goal. Number one goal. Try to get your mom to buy fruit roll ups, see boobs on TV. Might be my number one goal right now too. Actually still all I think about. Did I ever see boobs on TV? No.

Am I still trying constantly? Every day. I still think you can't swallow gum. Actually, I won't even try it because I still think you can't swallow gum, like hard. I still think if you bite your nails and swallow them, that they'll turn into tapeworms in your stomach, for sure. Who made that? What sick, twisted person made that one up?

And part of me is like, is it true? Like I almost want to look it up, it's gonna take too long. I was the kid that was just straight up swallowing toothpaste. You already know it. You already eat. I don't even have to tell you that.

You can see me and be like, all right, that dude definitely swallowed a bunch of aqua fresh when he was like seven Remember aqua fresh though. Why would you swallow that? Did I want to find the CEO of aqua fresh? Why would you why would you make it look so goddamn good? choking him against the wall I Swallowed it for two years straight because it tasted like candy peppermints. And you put it in a spaceship tube. My cousins, not that rich, had rich person toothpaste.

I was like, it just doesn't add up. I was in their bathroom like eight years old just like, how does this make any sense? just like, how does this make any sense? We got a nicer house and my cousins, we're rocking with AIM? AIM is Dollar General Toothpaste. We're holding it down, bro. We're buying AIM like it's going out of biz. Bro, your toothpaste tells a lot about your family. My cousins had AquaFresh on deck.

And they weren't even taking care of it. It was standing up on that plastic tube and it had the little thing that you press on the back, releases it. That thing kinda had toothpaste all over it. I was like, they don't even care that they have AquaFresh? What? They're just willy nilly having

just nonchalant AquaFresh family. Crazy. You always gotta give respect to the households that had the name brand cosmetic stuff, like items on the sink. I thought that was so sick. Once at my other cousin's house, they had it all bro. Neutrogena, I was like man, they got the name.

Oxy, if you had the name brand face wash, cause dude that was like nine bucks. I was like you guys are low, you guys are kinda hood rich. You was like, you guys are low, you guys are kind of hood rich. You've got all this like name brand, oh, they have a stridex pads. Oh, what I would do to just have a stridex pad summer?

Why was I always just, why was my mom telling me to put benzoyl peroxide on cotton balls and rub it on my face? It's just not the same. I swear to God, I went over to their house. We were riding bikes. I looked in the mirror before we left. Gotta look hot when you're on the bike, you know? Never know who you're gonna run into. Never know who you're gonna see while you're riding a bike in the smallest town in Michigan. Had a zit, looked in the mirror. I was like I'm gonna get one on. I'm gonna hit a stridex pad real quick. I mean they got a full stack. They got a full clip of stridex pads. You

ever open up that stridex pad thing that little capsule you ever open it up smell it you've never breathed in you've never breathed in so well in your life it just singes all your nose hairs gone clears all your sinuses i dabbed it maybe two swipes of the stridex pad on that zit buried the stridex pad in the trash because I didn't want them to know that I was taking their stridex pads blah blah blah went on the bike ride came back looked in the mirror zit. First time anything's ever worked. I was like, we gotta get these, bro. We gotta cop these.

Never did. My mom, just put toothpaste all over your zits. Walking around with aim, aim dots. Crest dots. Aim dots. Crest dots. Different world, bro. Different world. Yeah.

What's the thing you believed in for way too long? Let's talk. What and who was your motivation to be a comedian? Because I find you really funny. Oh, wow. See, this is a beautiful part about the fam. You don't always have to answer the question of the week. You can just say whatever.

What was my motivation to be funny? Oh, wait, what did she say? Guy who didn't even listen to it. What was your motivation to be a comedian because I find you really funny. I heard exactly what she said. I just wanted you guys to hear that twice. Let's see. When I was a kid, you guys have heard this before I think.

When I was a kid, me and my cousins who I I think, when I was a kid, me and my cousins, who I stole the Stri-X pads from, who had the Aquafresh toothbrush, would always, toothpaste, Aquafresh toothpaste, guy who can't talk. We would always make like really funny videos when I was growing up. And we, you know when you're with your cousins,

you just don't have anything to do all day? God, it's the best time of your life ever. It's like before high school, it might even be before, it might be before like seventh and eighth grade. Cause when you're in seventh and eighth grade, you kind of start to have a little bit of responsibilities. You gotta like start going to practice a little bit

in the summer, like kind of low key. But before that, bro, you're not doing a damn thing, especially in the summer. So we'd go over to my cousin's house for a week or they'd come to our house for a week, we'd go there. We'd probably see him like, we'd probably see him like almost five times in a summer. You know how your cousins are your best friends

in the summer? It's so sick. I think that's how it is for a lot of people. But like both sides of my family, my cousins were my best friends. And I cannot wait to go see them. Like it's just so hype. Cause they like know the same stuff as you.

Isn't it crazy how your cousins are completely different people than you? But you're just like, yeah, I guess we're homies. We'd go over to their house and we'd just tape, we'd just make skits. We'd just have little, we'd sit in a room and we'd be like, it'd be funny if we did survival tips. And there are all funny little survival tips for the summer.

And it was just all, we'd prank, not really prank, but we'd prank my mom and my aunt. They'd be in our videos sometimes. We'd do stuff like we'd tape my mom and my aunt they'd be in our video sometimes. You know we do stuff like we'd like tape like the you know the gun thing by the sink like the shhh that thing we like taped that down so when they went that we'd be like yo mom can you wash wash this dish for the video she'd like go press the water in its sprayer in the face just that and then we'd have a bunch of other skits and like dance we'd dance and stuff and I don't know I was doing that and then I started like having a real job like as I got older and in my in my head I was like, I just want to do that. I

Just want to like make funny stuff and I don't know you just get to a point where you I can't take it anymore. And you're like, I just got us I just got to make the switch. I Can't I can't I can't live live without it so you just do it and you just keep doing it and you can't quit and then you create a community called the fam and that's that's where we're at right now baby thanks for asking baby baby baby if you touch me like this oh yeah if you hold me like that it was so long ago but it's all coming back to me this thing's on hi benny i hope you're doing good bitch. I'm like so out of breath.

That's like the third take and this shit like. It was hidden. It was hidden. Sorry. Anyway, like I don't know how singers do it. They're actually built different. Anyway, I wanted to talk about a lie my kids told. Like my parents told me when I was a kid and

Sorry, I just had a stroke same same same Anyway, they told me that if I sat too close to the TV that I would go blind come on bitch I'm not blind like that was such a big fucking lie in retrospect because like People are like obsessed with VR now. And can you imagine what that would do to you? Like I would go blind in two seconds if that was true. And I used to believe that so wholeheartedly and my parents would like fear monger me. They would be like, don't sit too close to you. You're gonna go fucking blind.

And I'm like, mom. Anyway, do I have glasses now? Yeah, but like that's a different argument, okay? Oh wait. Second thing, people who think Uber Eats are like is so efficient, like and it's better than going there yourself and purchasing the food and then driving back.

Shit on them, shit on them. I got really bitchy about this because I used to believe that it was more efficient and Then I then I like pulled out the fucking nerd card and Analysis nerd card and in the grand scheme of things It came out to be that you're not really saving that much fucking time You're not saving any money, that's for sure.

And like when you compare that to like the amount of gas money you're saving, it's not that bad. Like it's, it's a waste. It's really a waste when majority of the people who order Uber Eats could just get up off of their asses. Most of them not speaking for the majority. Sorry, minority, that's so funny. Nobody knows anything.

Anyway, I'm just gonna keep going cause this is like the fourth take and I can't sing that bitch ass song anymore. Anyway, like just it's such- Yo, I don't know who you are. Hold on. I think there's more maybe. Hi, Benny. It's me again.

I'm not calm this time and I'm not having a stroke. Yeah, so I was just saying that people who order from Uber Eats and like get their groceries delivered, unless your time is super valuable to the point where it's like costing you or you're losing money to not stay where you are and go get them yourself, it's really not great. And I don't know why people believe that it's more efficient and it's so great I'm gonna stop yapping now cuz I yeah Yeah, bitch. Okay. I love you To have but love you more god dang

She put it on She came in hot. That's what I like Good voice message. You always leave some heat, but that time there was something a little... You had a chip on your shoulder, so I don't know what was going on, but God, that felt good.

Yeah, Uberats super scam. Hey, it's never good. Name one time. I mean, I know you always get Uber Eats because you're like, you're dying of hunger. Starve it! But you're only eating it because you're starving. It's never good. Go to Chipotle, get what you want. but you're only eating it because you're starving. It's never good.

Go to Chipotle, get what you want, it's pretty good. Go through Uber Eats, get Chipotle, it's not good. I'm like, did you spit in this? It's never good, dude. Life hack, it sucks, it sucks, but you know, people are like, why would I make food at home when cleaning the dishes and stuff, like it just takes way too long. Bro, me and my roommate got it down.

I'm telling you, we make two things and you don't have to wash the pans. I'm sick of people that think they have to wash the pans every time. You don't have to wash the pan. Haven't washed the pan two weeks. You're like disgusting, what the? Bro, you just make food in it,

you scrape it out and it's there. And then you make food again two hours later. You think if I, dude, if I clean those pans every time I made food, I'd blow my head off. I'd be eating bullets, babe. And I have one bowl and one spoon. You know how easy that is to clean? I'm a baby.

One bowl, one spoon, clean it every time. Cool, bye. Dude, waiting around for some guy who doesn't give a shit in his car with your food, I'm like, god damn, I don't even wanna look at you. I feel like they did something to it. Never tastes good when it's Uber Eats have I done it I've spent 700 billion dollars on uber eats oh my god dumbest dumbest things ever I bought uber eats

and had them delivered to Texas I wasn't even in Texas stupid what was the first thing she said? Hi, Benny. It's me. Hold on. I was sitting too close to the TV. It is such a bad look though, you know? Scoot back, dude. Have some awareness. Kids have zero awareness. Just this close to the TV.

Hey, that don't cross your eyes, they'll be stuck like that? Ooh, I kind of still believe it. I only leave them stuck for like, I leave them crossed for like three seconds because it does creep into the back of my mind. That's one thing, I think I kind of think less of you as a person if you can't cross your eyes and snap your fingers Some people can't snap. Can you believe that?

still Sorry, I can't snap I'll strangle you. I just uh, well I would but I can't snap You can't That's the first skill. That's kindergarten shit. Snap, you can't snap, you can't snap. Oh, let me guess, you can't tie your shoes either?

Aw. My dog can snap. Doesn't even have a dog. But you know what I mean? People who sit like right in front of the TV kind of bug me a little bit. I'm like hey is it that cool? Sit off to the side babe. Just chill. Just chill.

Just chill. Me, seeing a movie in a movie theater the other day, had to sit right in the middle of the movie theater as close and perfect as possible. I'm a liar. Yeah, I saw Superman. Was it good? Yeah.

Did I cry a couple times after? A little bit. Did I tell my roommate who I went with? No, I just Superman. Was it good? Yeah. Did I cry a couple times after? A little bit. Did I tell my roommate who I went with? No, I just held it in. Dude, how about holding in your cry? Oh! How about not showing other people that you're gonna cry? What, what, what, like a...

What a moment that is. Your throat gets so tight. All right, my, okay, okay, okay. You know how, dude, it's always the music. It's the music every time. Watching Superman, it's good movie. Some stuff happens with his, you know, the end of the movie's good, dah, dah, dah.

His parents are making like real strong, like, they're just being good parents to them, da da da, saying good stuff. At the end, something happens and it's kind of like uplifting or something like that, I don't know. But they play the music, it rolls into the credits, I look at my phone, my sister just had a kid. You know, it's a video of the kid, the music's still on,

I look at my phone, I start to get a little, start to get a little sad a little bit. Started thinking about my life, had to make it about me. Started thinking about my shit I got going on, music's still playing, roommate says something to me, I gotta act like there's not tears billowing out of my eyes, ready to just drop down my cheeks. I'm like, yeah.

It's 1 a.m AM on a Monday morning. It was late on a Sunday night when we saw it. Yeah, I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, the guy really grew on me. Trying not to let your cry voice out. Oh my God, I'm a bitch. Doing this real lightly, so it doesn't look like I rubbed my eyes. Looking the other way, doing it and shit. Stupid.

Skeet gone. OK, I used to believe that straight people were real. I used to believe that straight people were real. It was something I was hoaxed into believing all my life growing up, you know, and it didn't take about, not even a month or two, you know, after turning 21 going out to the club, that everybody's kind of gay you find that out yeah you find that out everybody's like a percentage of gay like I'm not even 100%

gay okay well that's something that I come to learn about myself nobody is a hundred percent straight and nobody is a hundred percent gay all right straight people aren't real and I want to say gay people aren't real I don't think it I don't think it's really the climate for that or something like that I don't know but it's always a kind of Benedict you're fucking hot I love you so much Todd I love you too and I'll subscribe to your podcast because I'm not subscribed right now I'll slap your ass I mean what we're still going Thanks, bro means a lot love a new voice on the pod and

Yeah, everybody's a little bit gay and the straightest guys are the gayest He's he's so right He's gayest. He's so right. I'm a little bit gay. But you can't out, everybody's just got a certain amount of gay in them. You can't out gay the gay. That's what you got for life.

You're 17% gay. You can't get to 19 or 21 or 22%. You're just 17% gay or 21 or 22 percent. Like you're just 17 percent gay. That's just it. Like the minute you try to get to 25 percent gay, everybody knows you're like being too, you're being too gay. You're over gay, you're out gay and you're gay right now.

If you're a little bit gay, just be that gay and that's fine. But don't, don't gas up you're a little bit gay, just be that gay and that's fine. But don't gas up you're gay. Everybody knows a gas up gay. OK, bro. You ain't that gay. I know how gay you are right now. And the gay you're gaying isn't the gay you're actually gaying. How many times can you say it?

Fuck. How many times can you say it? Ha ha ha, fuck. Something I believed in for way too long. You know those memorials on the side of the road or whatever when people get into a wreck? Yeah. I thought they went up and buried them right then and there. Just drag them out of the car, put them in the ground right there. I don't know how long I believe that for, but growing up, every time I saw one, it was a little sad. So I don't know.

I just believe that growing up must be a Midwest thing. There's a dog. I don't see that out here. You're right, bro. That is a Midwest thing man No wonder I never see anything on the west coast of like Anybody dying off the side of the road it seems like it'd be like all over the place

Cuz they've They'd be dying left and right out here No, but in the middle, you go back to the Midwest for two hours, you'll see 15 telephone polls with like a high school football helmet, a teddy bear, a picture collage, balloons, flowers. I'm like, God dang. Yeah, I would think you'd bury him there too. Maybe that's how it should be.

Hey, you bury him where he dies. Ha ha ha ha ha. I think that should be the rule. Oh my God. Let's go see your brother. Let's go see your brother at his gravestone on the corner of County Line and Meridian next to the Taco Bell Drive-Thru.

You can't miss it. There's a Southport Cardinals football helmet right there. That's how I want to go out, dude. No funeral. Just high school football helmet and practice jersey with a poster board that says polite catcalling. Just right next to the telephone pole.

That's it. That's respect right there, baby. I don't know. It's always just like a dirty ass teddy bear. I'm like, come on, man. Don't put something furry on the side of the road. I damn near almost went over to one of those little, like, where somebody got in a car accident.

I wanted to, there was a part of me, hey, this stays on the pod. I kind of wanted to take the football helmet. The seriously disrespectful. You piece of shit. You piece of shit. Everybody thinks about that stuff. OK, we're just this is why this part is this part. We just say it.

Did I want to put the guy who died's helmet on getting a three point stance and go HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-HURR-H Does everybody else want to do that too? I believe so. I believe so. Hey buddy, it's Roosh. I miss you. I love you. Wow. Two things.

Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Now being an adult, I realized that it's the biggest scam of all time. My God. It's actually just a giant waste of calories. Tell me. All right. Tell me. All right. Tell me how this makes sense. You wake up, you're tired of shit and you eat a fat breakfast and then that food just makes

you tired before you even start working or going to school or whatever. What the fuck? My mom was always like, you need to eat breakfast. The most important meal is game. So I was like, I guess, because if she didn't, if I wasn't eating it, she was like thinking that I was like starving myself or some shit. It's like, mom, I'm just like chilling. Now as an adult, I don't even eat,

I don't even think about food until I'm like, until it's like fucking 5 p.m. I'm like, I should probably eat something so I don't fucking pass out at 9 p.m. So true. And then I always thought as a kid that the president Was just like automatically the smartest person on earth. Oh say like you see him on TV and you're like, bro He's gotta be like a genius. He's running the fucking country and I was an adult, you know, it's going down

Straight golf and fucking naps and diapers. I love you Rooster putting on a clinic. Oh! Slick voice message by the roost. Love a regular popping in every, you know, just every once in a while. You know what I mean? Rooster's an OG fam.

Guy just makes sense. Yeah, breakfast, I never understood how people ate breakfast before school. I was like, you can eat right now? I don't know, I think my whole entire life I've eaten really late. Like dinner, very early in my life I had dinner at like 6 PM. Because that's when the Simpsons were on.

But after that, I was always eating at like 8.30, 9. I think that carried over to the next day because I couldn't even imagine eating something before school. Eat something before school? Absolutely something before, no, absolutely not. Not eating until lunch. But if you have like set times, like who in their right mind as an adult is really eating lunch? That's, that hat, like that makes me want to kill you. If you're like, oh, sorry, I can't, gotta eat lunch. That's that hat like that makes me want to kill you. If you're like, oh, sorry,

I can't got to eat lunch. I'm like, what the are you? You have social studies after lunch, dude. No, you just eat stuff when you're hungry as an adult. Doesn't matter. The times aren't a thing unless it's 1052. It's ha ha. President smartest person thought it too. President is just a guy. It's funny that like every person in power, whether it's the president, whether it's like a guy on a talk show,

like not that they're in power, but like every like, you know, big dude, popular guy you know, is just, everybody's doing everything for him and he's just the spokesman that doesn't even know what's going on. God, what a scam. Everything's fake.

Everything takes 45 minutes. Everything's fake. Everything takes 45 minutes. Everything's fake. I used to think that the tallest building downtown in whatever city you were in was the downtown building. Like we would go down, like when we were kids, we'd go to downtown Indianapolis in the tallest building. I'd be like, oh my God, the downtown building. And my family would be like, what the fuck are you talking

about? I'd be like, that's crazy, the downtown building? Are they ever gonna make a building bigger than the downtown building? And they'd be like, all of these are downtown buildings. And I'd be like, no, but that one is the downtown building. So I just thought like, you know, we went to Florida, there was a tall building.

I was like, that's their downtown building. That's crazy. I don't know, bro. Bank one, RIP. So my mom, when I was younger, told me that the bumps on the side of the road of driving lanes were braille for blind people so they could drive. And I believed that till I was 18.

That's a pretty good one. That's a pretty gas. That's a pretty good one. Nothing pisses me off more than some rumble strips. You always hit them when you're paying attention to. I'm like, what's it sleeping? If there's somebody in your car, there's somebody in your car when you're driving you to I'm like, what's it sleeping? If there's somebody in her car, there's somebody in your car and you're driving

you hit the rumble strips, name a more embarrassing thing. You're driving with your girlfriend. She's like, listen to music. Or I'm not gonna like kill her vibe. Started thinking about something. Oh my God. Crazy, right? Oh my God.

We could have died. I'm crazy right? Oh my god. We could have died So funny though your dad does it Jesus Christ He'll come up with some excuse. Hey, I would just Rumble strips, dude Just telling ya, sounds like a Chili's appetizer to me. Rumble strips? You give me a plate of rumble strips?

Ah! I'm gonna turn blind. Rumble strips with sizzling sauce now at Chili's. Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss Rumble strips with sizzling sauce now at Chili's. Triple dip, triple dipper with rumble strips. I can be your hero, baby. That's what happens when I think about that in my head. I can kiss away the pain? Kind of good

Rumble strips Braille though, that's insane. Dude. Your mom's your mom's funny is your mom's funny. God a parents lies, bro Nothing better. Is that next week parents lies? I Think we've already done it, but I mean, why not do it again? Let's have fun. Parents lies. Best airport. Bro, these are sick questions.

Let's keep going. OK, so when I was a kid, my parents told me that if you turn the dome light on while driving, you pull over. So well into my 20s, I was terrified of turning on the dome light while driving. Classic, classic. Why did everybody think that? I think that it was actually a thing at one point.

Because why did everybody think that? And why does my dad drives around with it on in the morning and I like it. It's too dark in cars in the morning. I'm like, yo, hey, you want me to fall back asleep? You gotta get up at like, you know, it's usually like seven a.m. for school. Like in the winter time. It's pitch black

You can see Santa's damn sleigh in the air Turn a little dome light on a what's up? Hey? Yeah, we're here. Look a little campfire light. Hey Let's get all cozy in the car Dome lights on we're good Little reading light. Oh nothing more comforting. That's some microwave light for your car. It's cozy. Flip that thing on. It's a little warmer. Flip that thing on. Kind of feel like a family I Like it a lot bro, I don't see why not It's all about that I think it I think it's from like having a nightlight as a kid was I the only person that I still have a nightlight actually Wow

I had to have a nightlight as a kid. Especially like at your grandma's house. Bro, I was like 22 at my grandma's house. Like, yo, hey, you guys got a nightlight? Not that this place is, you know, terrifying or anything. I'm just just kind of a bitch. But you're pretty much just telling your grandpa that. Hey, you guys got a nightlight.

I'm a pussy, you know what I mean? And there's like crucifixes all over your house and like statues of Mary and see what happens is, you're trying to explain to your grandpa why you need a nightlight. See what happens is if you want me to be real with you, I go to sleep on the couch because I'm scared to go in the rooms upstairs because I think people died in there.

And so I go to sleep on the couch downstairs. And while I'm downstairs, you have statues of Mary next to the couch. And the thing is, she stares at me all night. And one time I thought she was crying blood. So that's why I need a nightlight. Because in my head, I'm like, why wouldn't it? You know, why wouldn't she cry blood? Yeah, so you look back at him, he's not even there anymore.

Oh shit. You look back at him, he's mowing the grass outside the window. You're like, oh damn. Nothing scarier than upstairs at your grandparents' house. Ah! Just screamed in two people from downstairs, looked upstairs, got them.

Nothing scarier than going upstairs in your grandparents' house during the day. No idea why. house during the day? No idea why, but during the day, sometimes scarier than at night. Cause at night you're like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, we're all scared, okay. But during the day, what if you saw something during the day run across the door?

Ah, whoa! Bro, my grandma had a calendar at the top of the stairs with Mary on it. And right when you went upstairs, it just looked like Mary's head was staring at you. And I didn't go upstairs for maybe two days. Just give me a damn dude nightlight. I think it's crazy when people sleep in their rooms without lights. I'm like, okay, bro. You don't even want to kind of like know what you're getting into here. These things These light up neon chickens they stay on all night. I'm scared bro. Oh God.

Your grandparents basement. Every time I've been downstairs in my grandparents basement I'm like there's a there's another guy down here that nobody knows. And he's been living here. I can't be the only one. It's always your grandparents house too, because you're like, I don't think they really know if somebody would be down here. If there's a guy just living in this little crawl space area,

who would know? And there definitely is. And he knows, like oh my God, we had to take showers in my grandparents basement? That's so scary. Unfinished basement. House made when Martin Luther King was alive. I was like,

bro, this is, there's little rooms everywhere. I'm like, you gotta take a shower in this weird, ah, this tool shed, tools on the wall. I'm like, yo, I'm gonna get killed.

So scared. Hey, just pretending I'm not scared the whole time I'm gonna get killed so scared hey just pretending I'm not scared the whole time I'm taking a shower haha just think of good stuff think of good stuff think of good stuff think of good stuff yep yep yep hear one noise think of good stuff think of good stuff think it looking out of the shower every two seconds to see if there's a person watching me think of good stuff the amount of times I was like, hey, can you just talk to me? Dude, I tell my sister, hey, I'm gonna take a shower.

Can you just come down there with me and talk to me while I'm taking a shower? And then she would try to scare me. I was like, god damn it. You gotta have older brothers and sisters, bro. My sister would come downstairs and try to scare me for 14 minutes in the shower. I'd be like, this is worse than just having anyone down here. Hey, are you there? She wouldn't make a sound.

Jesus Christ, she got killed. So since I was a kid, my mom always told us when we were driving, if we would turn on the dome light in the car. Oh my God! That we had to turn it off because she could get arrested because you can't drive and have that on.

And she told us that through driving school and whatever. And I believed it until I was about 25. And my now husband said, yeah, that's not a thing. Keep that thing on, baby. Keep that thing on. Adult Nightlight, Adult Nightlight. That's OG. That's the OG reason I wanted a TV in my room. Oh my god, I just gotta, I'm not watching TV.

Just gotta have a little light in here. Kind of a little light just in case there's actually a doll under my bed, just in case. Hi, Mr. Benedict. I feel like I'm in trouble. Of course, this is years ago. I feel like I'm in trouble with the law right now. Years ago and pretty much throughout my toddler elementary years, I was raised by my dad,

of course my mom, but my dad like toughed me up. He was more aggressive with me and my brothers than he was with my sister. I have two brothers and a sister. And for the longest time, mind you, my parents are deaf. For the longest time, my dad would always joke. Fresh to death. About me being born a boy and him accidentally cutting off my chili thinking it was the umbilical cord.

Now, as a youngster or whatever, a little kid, it was something that I was taught and you know, it's kind of like heartbreaking, but I don't know, I didn't know what heartbreaking was then, right. And then around nine years old, my godparents, both my Nina's, they, they found out that that's what my dad would always joke about with his deaf friends. And one of my Nenas actually got really offended and she pretty much got into an argument with my dad, mind you. Deaf, so they're, you know, hands on hands yelling at each other. And yeah, that was like some crazy ass turnaround for me. And that's my childhood memory, which is a, I guess you can say it's trauma plus a laughter thing with my

dad, I guess. But really not. I have three kids now. And I definitely know I was not born a boy because my mom finally, you know, corrected him and, and my my Nina's and yeah, I'm 35 now. So you know, that's years ago. 30 gang. But yeah, I guess I had to speak up about it to laugh about it now, cause my dad's been gone since 2019.

And yeah, we still joked about that for quite some time, especially when I found out I was pregnant and telling him he's like, so you weren't a boy. But yeah, I hope you have a good day. Oh my God, just spilling out your soul on the espresso pod. I love you. That's what we're here for, baby. Get them out.

God, get it out. You gotta tell somebody, right? You have to. This is a place, I'm telling you. Gotta get him out. You got some thoughts, got some things you want to say, gotta get something off your chest. Espresso pod. What a life.

So your dad was just joking with you telling you that you were a boy. I mean, I just, I can't stop thinking about watching a deaf fight. I'm sorry, that is the only thing I'm thinking about right now. What was that like? They cut off your chili. I gotta listen to this again. Hi, Mr. Benedict. In trouble. So of course this is years and years ago and pretty much throughout my toddler, he was

more aggressive with me and my brothers than he was with my sister. I have two brothers and a sister. And for the longest time, mind you, my parents are deaf. For the longest time, my dad would always joke about me being born a boy and accidentally cutting off my chili thinking it was the umbilical cord. Now as a youngster or whatever, a little kid, it was something that I was taught and you know, it was kind of like... Bro, it's just dads being funny. What dads be dads, man?

That's a pretty savage dad. I don't know. I don't know if I would do that. If I had a daughter and I was just telling her, hey, you you know you're a boy her whole life pretty savage move pretty savage move he's just kidding it's all good we're good we're good right we're good so something that I believed for way too long I still kind of believe this one but but... Love this guy. That when you swallow chewing gum, I swear.

Lasts in your stomach for seven years. That's the one. But like, that could be honestly true. Like, chewing gum is sticky as hell, and I don't know about that. Another was that clouds were so soft that you could just sleep on clouds

and they'd be like the softest things ever. And then the last one is chewing or swallowing a seed and then like a watermelon seed and the watermelon would grow in your stomach. What's up, Rugrats? Yeah, true. It is kind of weird how more people don't have tapeworms.

I'm saying it real slow, because I think I have one. But like, how isn't there hell of shit growing inside of us? Oh my God, you ever see those? Oh my god, this has got to be the nastiest thing. You ever see those one like tumors people get removed? It has like teeth and hair in it? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH sound like a rooster a little bit. Ah, sound like a rooster a little bit. You know what I'm saying, though, you ever look those up? Oh, my God, I got this grocery move from my skin.

Look what was in it, like all those take talks. And you look what was in it. It's just a ball of hair and a bunch of teeth. I'm like, how the hell? I feel like there should be so much more shit growing in us, though. You look at a sidewalk, there's so much stuff growing on a sidewalk. There's stuff growing everywhere, bro. And you're telling me there's not like a little mini tree inside me right now.

There's got to be. Of all the things we eat and everything, you just put in there water, everything. Like, I've seen trees grow in the shade before. There's no sun, you idiot. How could something grow inside of you without sun? Doesn't weed grow without sun? Guy who knows nothing, who cares? There's gotta be something in there, bro.

I know there's some crab grass growing on the side of my stomach for some reason. Or there's gotta be a little fish in me. There's gotta be a tiny little minnow. Just going through my bladder. Checking it out, leaving, going back to where his home is. There's gotta be 12 fish in my stomach right now. Live fish.

100%. There's 17 tadpoles in me. Prove me wrong. How's there not? How's there not? And what's keeping them out? You have like acid you moron. What if they eat the acid?

What if they get immune to the acid? There's so many tadpoles just on the side of my stomach right now. Just on the wall of the lining of my stomach stuck to it. Just hanging down. I love you, Mocky boy. I love you. Dude, we got the stars out for this podcast. We got the stars out. Out back, babe. What did I believe in that? Wait, what

I believed in for far too long. I love Milky Boy for one reason, a bunch of reasons, but the main one is nobody is more ADHD than Milky Boy. On the record every week bar for bar it could go in any direction dude. It's the whole podcast. Listen bro listen. No but really the WWE has a young lad of 7, 8, 9, 10, somewhere in that ballpark. I remember I'm like, Dad, WWE looks so cool. So these guys are smashing their heads off a chair. Dude, for us blinkers been on for 25 miles.

Get all that kind of stuff. My dad's like, yeah, but you know, it's fake. I'm like, no, dad, it's real. You'll know what you're talking about. And I found out it was fake Heartbroken This is like the act is so the acting is like BET the black TV channel the writing that they do for some of the shows on there horrific

I was on one of those shows. Oh shut up Bro, drop the link now. Yeah the writing I mean My guy Stephen Hawking who looks like he was thrown in a blender upon delivery Who couldn't use his hands? So he could have written better scripts than these people horrific could have written better scripts than these people. Horrific. Horrific. Terrible. Terrible writing. It's horrendous dialogue. Anyway, yeah, WWE is the worst.

And I know it's like their dumb little make believe world. And I know all the frick I can hear the nerds now. Hey, they tried for years. They actually work in a few. And you're like, that's really dumb. You know, when you're jumping off the roof and you're like crushing a table, that's real. But you're telling me that Undertaker fellow was out there eating bugs? I mean, that's actually not, you know, yeah, that probably does cater to that crowd

because they are kind of weirdos like that. But yeah, WWE, when I found out it was fake, I couldn't trust anything anymore. So good at that. I couldn't trust anything anymore. Nobody's, hey, hey, hold on, nobody's got a better car driver. Nobody's got a better car driving off the interstate noise in Milky Boy Watch. Anyway, yeah, that's all. So hope you all have a great day.

Kisses, tits, bitch. Santa. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Nobody does it better, bro. Dude, did you hear that?

Sounded like a Honda Civic losing control? God damn it. Oh, my God. Yeah. When I was watching WWE growing up, I was like, my parents didn't let me watch it for one, so I had to sneak it. Trying to see boobs on TV. WWE boobs on TV. It's a whole point. I don't know how anybody else was allowed to watch it.

Bizarre to me, we'd go to school, everybody be talking about juicy SmacTail last night. No, because my parents won't let me watch it. Oh no. Yeah, because it's porn. GC Smackdown last night, Vince McMahon. What are you talking about? And then I tried to watch it and I was like what are they doing?

Bro when I watch WWE it's like reading a book with pictures in it. I'm like Dude, I'm just looking at the pictures man. I'm not paying attention to what's going on, bro. I'm just what oh crazy I'm not listening. I did the storylines. I'm like this is making me This this is one tooth activity right now. You got one tooth, you're listening to the WWE storylines. Just like, hey bro, it's whatever, but like, I just, what, what are you, the fact that this isn't even real and you're making this, what are we doing?

Oh my God, I'm having a SmackDown birthday party, you coming? No. My mom won't let me go because it's about wrestling, which is about porn. Sable. The hottest wrestler.

I mean, come on. My parents said that if you have a car light on at night, it's illegal. And I still don't know. I'm pretty sure it's not, but. Three. I'm starting to think this is Mandela Effect. Guy who just threw up and had a stroke during his own podcast

for the fourth time. Me every 14 words. I'm starting to think this is Mandela Effect because did we all read it somewhere? And then we were thinking like, oh, I think my dad did say that. And then we just put it in our heads that our dad said that.

You know what I'm saying? Every time you say, you know what I'm saying, it means no one knows what you're saying. I thought Tommy Lee and Tommy Lee Jones were the same person. So when a sex tape came out with Tommy Lee and Pamela, I really was shocked that Pam would get with Tommy Lee Jones. I believed that until probably my, I was 18 or 19.

Dude, I'm so with you on stuff like that. Who is Tommy Lee Jones though? Oh, the men in black guy. Bro, yeah yeah in Michael Myers and Michael Myers? I'm like could this be any more confusing? Right? Michael Myers. But there's always there's also a Mike Myers who like plays Austin Powers? Austin Powers. It's like my dad. This is eruption will be. Michael Myers and Mike Myers the whole time like until five

years ago I was like so they just that guy just plays the Halloween guy and they call him the same name. Why would I not think that? Who in the right mind would be, oh those are two different, oh okay movie snob. Dude, Connor Daly and John Daly the golfer. I thought Connor Daly was his son. I kind of still do. I don't know bro, there's so many things like that. I'm like, how would I know? How would I know? How would I know? They have the exact same name. Shut up. So funny, bro. I'm so glad we're all the same person. Thank you for leaving that voice message.

I'm telling you, bro, the voice messages are banging so hard. I love you guys for real. You guys get it. So from the age of 10 until... If this is a car dome light voice message, I will take all my clothes off. 20. I believed that Okra was cat. So my mom told me when we were on vacation, there were a bunch of cats around and we were at a restaurant. I was like, what's like, what is Okra? It's on the menu. She's like, oh, it's cat joking.

Didn't realize that. I didn't know she was joking and then just never addressed it for the majority of like my entire youth until I was with some of my friends like around early college days and they're like, oh, Jess, like there's some okra on the menu. Do you want to get it? It's disgusting. I don't get it. And yeah, I had to stop pinging out with those people

for a while. Okra. I thought she hosted a midday show. You get a cat. You get a cat, this guy. Okra. Hey, what is it? Okra. What is it is it? Okra.

What is it? Oh, those weird things on the buffet line when you're at a salad bar that look like mini corn cobs. OK. Oh, crap. Oh, crap. I didn't mean to order that. Man, who gives a shit about okra? It's cat, it's so a plant.

You just believe every... Dude, I'm with you. I believe everything. If you're older than me and you tell me something, I'm like, he's right. He's right. He's older. He's right. He must know.

He has to know. He's older. God, who gives a shit about okra, right? If there's one thing that you just like don't care about, probably okra. Are you even supposed to be? Are we supposed to be eating this? Benefits of okra? I just got to know. Hold up. And you know, this is definitely one of those things on the whole food salad bar that you're just like, that has no business. Like give me the household names in my salad.

I don't need these new things. There's like, there's, there's gotta be, hey, there's gotta be seven or eight things on that salad bar that don't get touched for four weeks. I'm like, who's putting that in their salad? And you're restocking that every day? Those mini corn cobs, I'm like, who gives a shit about those? Tomatoes, mini tomatoes are even like kind of on the out. I'm like, I'm not putting mini tomatoes in my shit anymore.

Am I five? Nutritional value and essential vitamins. Top seven benefits, okra, okra water? Boosts testosterone. Shut up. Supports prostate health. Shut up. Enhances fertility.

Jesus Christ. I'm at the store in five seconds buying pounds of okra. Ha ha ha ha ha. In the checkout line. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Crying, crying blood.

Jesus Christ. This guy really needs some libido. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. All the okra. All of a sudden this guy loves okra Hey, Benny Jared here fan of oh, I love this guy. I love this guy dog I Think the subject this week was

Things that you believed were true for too long. Yeah I Think until I was about 16 years old. I was fully convinced that it was illegal to Have a light on inside a vehicle while you were driving because of my dad. Why on earth that was such a big deal? I have no clue. But the amount of times that I saw the anger in my father's eye when he turned around and told me to turn the light off while we were driving Put the fear of God in in me until I was about 16 years old

But when I started driving I figured out it wasn't illegal Some say the light bulb went off. Oh God. I love it. You can hear him brewing it up. Jared, you're the winner, bro. Thank you. Dear God. Said next person who says the dome light car thing I'm taking all my clothes off. Here we are babe. Zero clothes sir. Adult night light hitting hit everybody. I don't know bro I love it. I love the adult night light and it's staying on.

If it gets bright outside okay whatever, whatever, whatever. We can turn it off. But on that winter morning, baby, just tap, tap. Hey, how about you get in somebody else's car? You have no idea how to turn on the dome light. Uh, I can't find my phone. Can you you uh, uh, uh, is it this one? Is it this one? Is it this one? Is it this one? There are seats in their car. Is it this one? It ejects your seat out of the top like Batman. Jesus Christ, dude. Just give me one light and I press the light and it turns on

for good, for the for the our lord and savior What up So the thing that I believe Dude we got bangers on this podcast ...leaved in for way too long was that you had to be married, have a baby and own a house by the age of 30.

And we know in this generation how everybody's doing all those things at an older age because of the economy and how society is and everything else in the mix is harder. And you know, the generations before us, our parents were the baby boomers. And then, you know, our grandparents that came from, you know, the 1920s or friggin time they came from, yeah, they had kids earlier, but they also had kids later. Sometimes your grandparents had kids when they were like 50

because they didn't have protection, and that's why you would have an uncle who's like 20 years older than your parent. Like, it's all, it's just a number. It doesn't matter if you have a kid at 40 or 45. I mean, I'm 37. You know, I had my son at 35. Yeah, I was married.

I do have a house. I did it older, but I would have been able to do it at 27. You know, at 27, I was still at PacSun trying to pick out a Quicksilver flame bang suit to wear for Memorial Day. Real one, dude. Right, Betty? Real one. You know, you can't do it at that age.

Nah. So funny, dog. So fam, gets it, gets it. Yeah, unless you're told that like, hey, bro You can just not have a family. You don't know Because I kind of thought you had to have one. I was like, oh shit I have to get married like right after college probably and Then my sister was like, yo, you know our older cousins that live in Florida They're like 35 and stuff and they're not married or anything

cousins that live in Florida, they're like 35 and stuff and they're not married or anything. You don't really like have to. And after I heard that I was like, oh, then why the hell would I ever do it? Like they might get married, but like they're not yet. You don't have to. It's not like you have to do it when you're like 24 or 25. I was like, okay, and that was that for the rest of my life. I'm like, yeah Why would you ever do that? Maybe it's just some people are ready before other people but boy when I was 24 boy Did I was still working in the mall? I was Pac-Son when I was... I still am! Look at this shit!

So true. Yeah, I don't know. Honestly, like this may... this may sound like, uh... kind of unattractive, but I think I'll live in a part... in an apartment for the rest of my life. Oh, sorry, I'm in love with it? I think the only reason I would ever get a house

is if I had a kid in a dog, right? Because I'm not playing flag football in the backyard right now. But if you got a game, if you got a game teed up, let your boy now throw on some wranglers in a copper sleeve real quick I'll grab the whole grab the dead kids football helmet off the side of the road by the telephone pole bring it over It's not funny and you've gone too far Okay It's not funny and you've gone too far Okay Okay, ash can't mess around anymore in the funny pod can't do that. Okay, ash

If you're new the pod Ashley is my producer Yeah, it's crazy I'll get married dude. I when I lived with the girls, they'd always be like, dude, when are you gonna actually have like a girlfriend or anything? Or when are you gonna get married? And I'd be like, when I'm 76, who cares?

I don't know, when I'm done with everything? That might not even be when I'm 76, I might have to be like 92. Whenever I'm done with stuff and I just want to play video games all day and like, I don't know, go to like Topgolf and just do stuff like that, I'll do that. I don't know. don't know. But like when the time comes, babe, nobody knows when. Apartments forever though. Oh my God, nothing better. I see what you're wearing. There's nothing beneath it.

Forgive me for staring. Forgive me for breathing. We might not know why. We might not know how, but baby tonight. We're beautiful now We're beautiful This thing's on here the drizzling on my windshield. How's that person? Good I love it Something I this is so mortifying, but I've accepted it.

Something I never knew until post college was that Super Bowl always fell on a Sunday. Oh, I hate people that don't know that. Oh my God. I'll never forget it. I was out to eat with my boyfriend in a booth. I could picture the whole thing in a bar booth. And we were talking about the upcoming Super Bowl game and like where we were going to watch it, et cetera.

And I was like, I had just become a teacher. So I was probably 22, just become a teacher. And I was like, you know what? I just hope it's not on a Sunday. Said this out loud. Just hope it's not on a Sunday because we have to like wake up early the next morning. Like I hate when they do that.

It just seems like the last few years it's always on a Sunday and like we have school or work the next day and it just sucks. And he's like, Christy, she said my name. Yeah, he's like, wait, you're serious. Like, what do you mean? He's like, it's always on a Sunday Super Bowl Sunday. And I was like, oh, yeah, totally. Ha ha ha ha.

Hate myself, hate myself. You wouldn't know though. No one knows nothing about sports. It's me. Oh wow, get that drizzle, get that drizzle in. Anyway, wait, I was gonna sign off as Popcorn Chad, and I kid you not, your thing just popped up on my algo. And you did it, Popcorn Chad!

The best little skit thing ever. The best bit. You gotta include it in a comedy show. It's amazing, I was crying laughing. Anyway, this is Popcorn Chad. ESPN. Bye, Hunter. Wow, Hunter coming through, bro.

I'm scared to know what girls don't know a little bit. That's one of those things I just don't really wanna ask. I'd be better off not knowing. Because I think a lot, a lot, a lot of people just learned that the Super Bowl is always on Sunday. Yeah, some of my friends growing up thought, dude, wouldn't it be so sick, bro? I think that might make the Super Bowl on Saturday this year. I was like, I will crucify you right here. I'll put nails in your feet where you stand. Yep.

I'll put a towel around your waist, spread your arms out, put nails through your hands and crucify you in this eighth grade classroom. How would you not know? You're telling me you've never heard of one time in your entire life Super Bowl Sunday. You've never heard that? You've never heard for one time in your entire life, we should have work off on Monday because Super Bowl Sunday, right? Not once. That's why everybody is so sad during the Super Bowl deep down. And you got a point though, babe. Move that thing to Saturday.

Are you kidding me? Dude, you know what? They probably keep it on Sunday, so there's not like an entire street of Philadelphia burning on fire after they win the Super Bowl, because that's what would happen on Saturday night. Sunday night, it's like, oh, shit, we got to work tomorrow. We might not. We shouldn't like we can climb this telephone pole, but like

we can't light that car on fire. Like we got to work in like seven hours. That's why it's on Sunday. If the Super Bowl is on Saturday, boy. And like the the Giants win, what's the rowdiest city? But if the Super Bowl is on Saturday, boy. And like the Giants win. What's the rowdiest city? It's got, oh, Philadelphia. The Eagles win the Super Bowl on a Saturday night.

Goodbye city. Hope your car's not parked on the street. Isn't that so funny? Your team wins the Super Bowl. You just destroy the town that won. How does that make any sense? Oh yeah, bro. Well our team just won the big game.

So we decided to rush on the field, rip up all the grass, excavate the gold post out of the ground, picked it up, carried it out, and then we threw it in the city, in the pond on campus. Yeah. So it was really good for our community that we won. Brady just destroyed everything inside. Yeah, we pissed all over the field at night too. We went back and did that. Okay, well.

I hate it when people don't notice it like normal shit about sports stuff. And I know this isn't a sports podcast. But like one time somebody was like, bro, I'd be so sick of the Patriots and the Colts played in the Super Bowl. I'm like, you just don't understand you idiot. 12 years old. You're a dumbass. You got to be in different conferences. That'd be a sick AFC Championship. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Half of them are about the dome light in the car, but that's why we lift all these weights. Love you guys. Thank you so much.

Don't ever hesitate to leave a voice message, no matter what it's about. It can be about anything, or you can answer the question. Say it. I'm open. I'm open to it all. Let's keep going. Let's keep going. C-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c-c really good at playing chicken. Like I overheard that somewhere. And memory triggered. I can remember playing chicken.

We did it on the monkey bars at the summer camp I went to every year. Summer camp stories, bro, that that needed to be something we espresso, new espresso question. What was the thing that happened at summer camp? This is the thing for me. For me, was when I played chicken with this kid and you know this kid, he seemed like, you know you just tell, like, I'm like that kid can probably fight you know

So you like it? He's got a little he's got he's kind of tough He had like a tough look we'd be playing games and stuff against him all day, and I'm like he's kind of good at everything shit Now I gotta go up against him and in chicken. I've never played chicken. I just got to figure this out on the fly I know I can hang for monkey bars No, we can do that But like I was I was kind of scared to hurt kids too So I think I was this size when I was like in summer camp and stuff I was literally this big fifth grade fifth grade

fifth grade photo this big So we're playing more hanging off the monkey bars, we're going towards each other. I'm giving him like kicks at the thighs and stuff because I'm like I don't want to like do too much. Let's see where we're at here. If he starts going hard, I'll start going hard. And before I knew it, like he was going hard and I was like I gotta win this because like people were cheering like come on dog. People were like come on, you know what I mean? And I was like oh shit, okay it shouldn't take this long?

Okay. So I started to hurry up and I started like, clawing at him a little bit with my toes. And your boy's got the strongest feet known to man. The strongest feet in the world. World. World. So I start like going bro. I'm going, I'm in attack mode now. What's Spider-Man Sue called when he goes in?

I'm in instant kill right now. So I'm like, this guy doesn't stand a chance. I'm in psycho mode. Good luck, bro. And before I know it, everybody, it looks like I wasn't looking or something, but I just, I hear it before I know it, it looks like I wasn't looking or something but I just hear it before I see it and I hear, oh my god, oh my dude, what the fuck, I hear stuff like that and I'm like, then I like realize when I zone back in, I get out of instant kill, I go back to regular mode I pulled his pants down with my toes and he's just dangling on the monkey bars naked and I'm hanging there too and

I don't say anything and I'm just like, what's up bro? Does that mean I won? Because I'll fight you naked dude. I'll kick that chili into the pond. I'll kick your little pee pee in the pond. Pond pee pee. I don't know, I think everybody was so like Disturbed by it. Maybe that I think we just stopped playing for the rest of the day. So

walk off win for your boy Summer camp story bro. It only happens at summer camp It's two days did it-d-d-d-days of the week. Well hoo-hoo! National refreshment day? Oh my god. What's the what's the number one thing when you're dying of thirst? What's the what's your number one? In the comments please. What's the what's your number one in the comments, please? I always kind of want one time. I was so thirsty, you know when you like You're so thirsty and you're a little dehydrated. So you treat yourself

This happened to me when I was in Utah a little bit ago. I was like, I don't know what was going on. Maybe it's their elevation or whatever. They're a lot of hills, a lot of hills. Your boy's walking around a lot. I was walking and I was starting to cramp up. I'm a easy cramper. Bro, if I don't drink like four gallons of water in a day, I will all cramp just walking down the street. I don't drink like four gallons of water in a day, I will all cramp just walking down the street.

I don't know. It's weird. It's a sodium deficiency loser. You don't have to be mad about it. You don't have to be mad. Sorry, is that actually? Yeah. So I went to the gas station and I was like, oh I like am in dire need of hydration

I'm gonna treat myself my go-to for some reason it had to be that light blue Gatorade For some reason that's that's the quencher for me Dying of thirst. I can't really have like carbonation. It just doesn't it seems backwards Drinking carbonation when you're dying of thirst feels like eating dessert when you're starving It's just like hold on I need something like I need something for real and then maybe I have a little dessert But I had to hit that you know you buy two two Gatorades at the gas station It's always like two for three. Oh, that's a fire deal

Two for three Gatorade? Let's talk, let's talk about it. Why aren't we talking more about that? It's always two for three. Not in Utah. Two Gatorades out of just the normal gas station fridge, it was $9. Didn't care.

That thirsty. Got an orange one, orange always hits for me too. And a light blue. Had to get Gatorade Zero though, because I'm a bitch. And also the regular Gatorades, I'm like, yo, this is just Kool-Aid. I was looking at the, I was almost gonna buy a regular Gatorade, but I was like, man, let me see the, let me check the car facts real quick. Bro, I'm like, why don't I just get an Icy? Let me get a Coke float instead.

But yo, they got they got some cooking right now. If you haven't had Gatorade in a while, they're they're cooking up flavors. They're mixing them. Lemon, lime, orange, fruit punch, berry. They're doing that again. They're called like mixers this time. But if you're really thirsty, just go to the gas station, gas station get a getter see what they got going on. But that light blue different different. Glacier Glacier freeze maybe Riptide Rush it's in that blue family. Remember the Gatorade blue family that you could buy from like Sam's Club says Sam's Club because Costco wasn't always a thing everybody but Sam's Club had that 24 maybe even 48 Gatorades all shades of blue with purple in there too grape light purple normal grape light purple light blue cool blue and riptide rush? Get outta here!

I'm in this bitch! Bro, your friends come over and you got the blue pack of Gatorade? That ain't making it till midnight, babe. Friday. National merry-go-round day. Nothing more haunted than a merry-go-round. Who sees a merry-go-round even when you're a kid and thinks, I want to go on that. I think, and you guys are all the same as me, I remember going to Kings Island, peak kid, eight years old, and seeing all the kid rides and being like.

OK. What do I have to be three to go on all this? Like, I was like, yo, that is that is for like, I don't know who that's for. That is not for me, though. I was eight years old going on the beast, bro. Against my will. You gotta grow up with people like that.

Boy, I saw Mary go around at Kings Island. I was like, this is haunted. This is haunted. And the lamest thing of all time. If I have a kid, bro, I don't care what, if he's one and we go to Cedar Point, drop zone immediately. Get used to it, babe! Hey, Overcoming versus Skip! Hot fudge Sunday day.

I mean, damn. You guys already know what it's all about. Best ice cream McDonald's Hot fudge sundae best ice cream Said it before I'll stand on that i'll stand on that two ten toes down McDonald's ice cream over dq over dq

Stupid literally been saying stupid things all day! It's the perfect amount to a McDonald's ice cream. So hard to stop at one, but if you do, it's a dub. Dub's in the chat. I'm trying to think of what's the second best hot fudge sundae, cause they're all a little disappointing. You know? I've never been like, yo, that was it. There's just too much shit going on.

I'm like, ice cream, OK. It comes in the waffle bowl. I'm like, all right, that's a problem that I'm going to have to deal with in a little bit. Because like, you know, what if it breaks? Holy shit. Hot fudge sundae all over it, that's it breaks? Holy shit. Hot fudge sundae all over it, that's a big plus for me. Sprinkles, then they put nuts and a cherry? I'm like, I don't need half of this.

I really don't need it. McDonald's got it down to a science. Just the ice cream that's not really ice cream, but it's something. And then just hot fudge just piled, just dumped on top. And it melts a little bit and it's in your car, hey. Then you gotta drink it. Ooh!

Real ones are out here drinking ice cream. I wanna drink everything. Like you hand me a salad, like if I got a salad at Subway, I'm like hey, stop what you're doing, put all that in a large cup. Cause what the hell? It's all chopped up, you're saving me time with the knife and the forger.

Everything should be in a cup. First law as president, everything should be in a cup. First law as president, everything should be in a cup. Okay, not everything, but like, when you're on the go and you're moving, like you don't need a bowl and a spoon and a knife and a fork and all that until like 8 p.m., 6 p.m. Simpsons. Everything should be in a cup man. Like unless it's like a burger you know I'm saying like that's already like handheld. But like Chipotle, hey babe

you mind if I grab a you mind if I bring my own they should have bring your own cup day at Chipotle. Just come in with one of those polar pop like big coolers that the moms fill up at gas stations. Huge. Just chicken and guac. Mm. See you never. I would drink that in my car so fast I'd choke and die.

Everything in a cup baby. Saturday. Bagel Fest day, I mean, I'm rubbing my feet together right now. You probably hear it. Who's the king of bagels? Who do we bow down to? Everything.

It's called an everything bagel because that's what you have to clean if you eat it. Dies. All right. Passes out, dies. How do you die? Doing a Johnson. Oh, that's the king. I think blueberries next. Chocolate chip bagel. Yeah, that can kind king. I think blueberries next.

Chocolate chip bagel, yeah, that can kind of get you right. Sometimes if you, sometimes I would have a chocolate chip bagel from Einstein Cookies and I'd, or Einstein Bagels and I'd be like, this is a big cookie. This is just a big cookie when you think about it. Yo, if you get a chocolate chip bagel, cut it in half, put cream cheese on it and warm it up. You're a bad little boy and you know what you did. You know what you did. You're a bad boy and you're eating a cookie cake.

I love how everything's just trash dude bagels are bagels are cupcakes everything's trash. It is you do kind of love someone that comes into your office and drops one of those big like boxes of all the bagels so you do love them. Like yeah Rob is kind of a pain in the ass but he does bring the bagels every Wednesday he brings that cinnamon one just for me and he brought it to my desk but yeah kind of an asshole. One more we gotta get out of here. Sunday cream creme brulee day oh shut up! Crème brûlée day. Oh shut up Yeah, it's good, but can we just calm down on that every girl I just literally I just

literally Do any guys like crème brûlée God dang girls in creamy stuff. BFF forever and ever and ever and ever. I don't know bro. Crème brûlée I'm like... Sorry babe. I'm not...

I had to pretend to like crème brûlée for a girl I did for a really long time. And I wasn't hating on it. I was still eating it for sure. But I was like, this is not the best thing we could have gotten. But I'm just going to keep that to myself. Oh, my God, we have to get creme brulee. I was like, no brainer. But in my head, I was like, yo, there's just that there's a

there's a pizooki in this this menu and we're just audible in for the What are we doing taking third-round draft picks number one overall? But That's what you do when you're a bitch Creme brulee overrated You know what else is really You know what else nobody's getting? Creme brulee overrated. You know what else is really, you know what else nobody's getting? Just the piece of chocolate cake on the restaurant menu.

Nobody's getting that. I've never even gotten that. The best part about that is that it comes with ice cream, but nobody's really like, oh my God, they're chocolate cake. It's always on every single menu at every restaurant has a chocolate cake. I don't even know if they have a chocolate cake back there. Just bust into a Friday's. Where's the cake?

Oh God, oh my God. I knew this was gonna be the manager that never speaks. I knew this would happen. Do we have a backup cake? No. Shit! Haha. No, no one's buying that chocolate cake. So boring.

Pfft. Ehhhh. That's it, babe. Um... Love you guys. Thank you for the voice messages. Means so much every week. Fun pod. All because of you guys.

But remember to subscribe, rate, review. I know I gotta say it, but we gotta do it. We gotta do it. I would never say it if it wasn't a thing that we had to do got a girl the pod Thinking about getting an espresso Instagram page Should I? Put all the clippies there we can really start getting down in there if we want Love you so much. Thank you for the voice messages come out to the shows you already know, baby

You already know baby. Baltimore September 25th to come October 23rd Sacramento December 4th Phoenix December 13th and 14th. Get your tickies. Follow me on IG. All that. Leave a comment. I really appreciate you talking about the Chad popcorn. Cause that was real. And uh, yeah he was like the biggest bully ever. So that's why we always did that to him. It's not on some disability, but never. All right, y'all, love you.

See you next time. Ha ha. Bye.