Espresso - things you do that should be illegal

Episode Date: December 9, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what do you do that should be illegal? (like flossing with your OWN hair) 86 News reports on the possible EXTINCTION of chicken tenders, then Ben admits to his strange addiction to rotisserie chickens, explains why every time he eats popcorn he gets put into a SAW trap, reveals the only reason we have the holidays is so we don't blow our heads off WHOOPS and then his good friend and comedian Alex Eakin (@alexander.the.eakin) hangs for 10min 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

It's Espresso Shot 188 Goddammit Hello class I'm your music teacher Mr. Polsey That's right We got a groovy little beat today Take out those violins

And focus on me Look, my name's Mr. Paul Z Yeah Nobody ever spells my name right And I kind of want to get in a fight But it doesn't matter I'm a classical guy I do classical things

Look at my eye I got the look. I look like I really need to shave my neck beard. I'm a little nerdy. Doesn't matter. Don't test me because in the teacher's lounge I get kind of flirty. Okay now. Back to class guys. Do your thing. Yeah, nothing but a chicken wing. No, seriously, get it back to class. And Mrs. Carter, shake that motherfucking ass. Oh my God. I'm so sorry.

What up, Espresso's? Shot 188, let's talk. Hot weekend at Helium. Opened up for the boy, Joe Dombrowski, Mr. D, if you don't already know. He came on the Patreon podcast. Dude's a killer, and we had a nice little vibe. I went on his podcast, Which you should also check out It's called Social Studies

Find it everywhere You know But I got to co-host on his pod And it was fucking awesome Same kind of thing, you know We can relate to each other Because both our dads Are completely psycho

But it was fun I'd say I'd say hop on the Patreon, listen to that, and then definitely listen to his podcast too. But it was a fire weekend. And guess what, fam? Merch is coming. Merch is coming. That's all I'm saying about that

But yeah before we do the damn thing I just have a little something to get off my chest For 86 News This Is Johnson This is Johnson. On the internet, going crazy, I found a story about chicken tenders being at the risk of extinction due to a global shortage. of extinction due to a global shortage. And I think it's a little funny because chicken fast food restaurants,

sit-down restaurants, are always bragging about the color of their meat. Well, guys, I just want you to know one little thing. This is not all white. It's actually very fried. Okay. I won't. I won't. Honestly, being serious, it is ironic that the people

who take care of chicken are usually literally called chicken tenders. I mean, to all chicken tenders out there, Tyson, Perdue, you know who I'm talking about. We're going to need you to catch up.

Oh, God, I know. And if you can't figure out how to get the chicken back on the tables, just wing it. But being completely honest towards the situation of the shortage, I know it affects a lot of people negatively. You know if chicken tenders

lose their job permanently and they go broke chicken has one last resort. Chicken strips. Pretty six news.

Ah. Johnson. Yep, so Very important News again We've got our new seg Popping off today At the end of the show We're gonna do 10 minutes with one of my homies His name's Alex Aiken

You guys will enjoy But we're on a little time crunch, baby So let's Get to the espresso Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Espresso question of the week. What's something you do that should be illegal but it isn't? Let's jump it off with a true fan member.

He's on the Patreon squad. He's a regular. I don't know why I just had a stroke during that word, but he's a regular. Hey, Omeo, man, what's something you do that should be illegal but it isn't? Yeah, with Clint, a.k.a. Hey, Omeo, man, what's something I do that should be illegal but isn't?

Domino's has a curbside delivery time of two minutes. Otherwise, they give you a free pizza. And I get a free pizza every fucking time. Like at least it's something like eight out of ten times I've gotten a free pizza. And like the last three times in a row, I've been there to pick up a free pizza and then gotten another one. Dude. I do everything by the books too. I don't click the I'm here until I park.

I put my lights on. I don't know how I'm getting away with this. But they sure are saving me a lot of dough. This guy. Yep. Ayo, mayo, mane. Dude, always killer. That is true, though.

And there's this type of person out there that only likes Domino's pizza. That person usually lives on the side of town where people look very pale and have very pencil-thin mustaches. And there's usually a Walmart very close by. Domino's is good. Domino's tries so fucking hard dude Actually you gotta give it to them They're not bad And they try

They do it all bro I can't believe they don't have like a Domino's collaboration With like Jordan or something They try so They have Domino's delivery cars They have every fucking thing dude They have Domino's like Their bags they carry are like like, actually ovens.

They don't even have pizza bags. They just fucking bring an air fryer up to your front door with the pizza already in it. It's still cooking! Our pizza's the best, right? They try hard! It's not bad, though. One time I had Domino's recently, and everything was super undercooked, but I was so hungry. It's not bad though One time I had Domino's I had Domino's recently And uh

Everything was super undercooked But I was so hungry You know when you're so hungry You just don't give a shit About how the food tastes For the first like Ten minutes Maybe like five minutes

Like I can be super hungry And eating a pile of dog shit For the first five minutes And then minute six I'm like maybe this isn't that good You like come back to it like what is that you're in like a daze for the first five minutes when you're starving that's how i was eating this like barely cooked like cheesy bread from dominoes i was like oh god it's so good then like six minutes hit and i was like i'm gonna die and there's a hey he's right dude Clint first time I ever

called him Clint wow actually friends uh there is a thing with you can really like get three free pizzas every time you get a pizza if you want to me and my dad used to do this thing where we used to be like because we're bitches and every time we order pizza we're like um on the phone it's so annoying too like they're ever gonna get it right our order was just like are you fucking kidding me they had to be looking at each other making the pizzas like these mother we'd get light cheese is the best pizza of all time light cheese extra sauce half mushroom And they couldn't like compute the light cheese thing. Cause we live in Indiana land in the Midwest. And if you don't get extra cheese with light sauce, you're a felon. But every time we'd be like light cheese extra, cause they put

so much goddamn cheese on pizza. I swear to God, I can't even taste the cheese after a while. So we get light cheese extra sauce. And every time we'd get the pizza back, it'd be normal. And we were like, this is not light cheese. And they'd be like, oh, I'm sorry. We'll make you another one. And we just got two free pizzas every time. But that little two-minute carryout thing he's talking about,

they're putting a lot of pressure on themselves. Two minutes is not even 30 seconds. If you have two minutes to do something and you start thinking about one other thing, it's already been seven minutes here. Fuck! True shit though. Hey-o-may-o, man. Here we go.

What's something that should be illegal that you do but it isn't? Liam Pinero. Let's go. What's something that should be illegal that you do, but it isn't? Liam Pinero. Let's go. You know what I do, Benny boy. You know exactly what I do. And I can't believe I'm even saying it to people that listen to your podcast, but here it goes.

The thing I do that should be illegal, it's not. If I'm in a place and I have food stuck in my teeth and I don't have floss with me, I don't care if I'm in a car, I'm at somebody's house, I don't give a damn. I'll just pull out a strand of my own hair and use that bitch's floss. Is that weird? That's weird? I guess that's weird to people. But it does the job and it works and it's better than having food stuck in your teeth.

So that's what I do. Lock me up. I'm kind of into the handcuffs anyway. What? Who said that? Fucking idiot, man. Liam Pinero. Always coming with the heat.

Bro, you guys are so good at this now. Remember the first time we did these voice messages, and everybody was like, Hey, I just fucking hate everybody. I was like, hey, I just fucking hate everybody. I was like, all right. So that's my fan base. But no, dude, Liam, that's the craziest shit I've ever heard. I've never heard anyone ever do anything close to that. Put their hair from their head to get shit out of their teeth.

I get it. If something's in your tooth, I remember I had a piece of fucking popcorn in my tooth for like seven weeks as a kid. And I would literally do anything to get that popcorn out. I remember getting a knife from the silverware drawer and like doing this, like stabbing the roof of my mouth.

I was like, I don't care. It was like some sauce sick shit. I want to play a game. You warm up this PopSmart for 30 seconds. It's not cooked enough. But you eat a piece of popcorn that you think is going to be half-popped because you like those. Go ahead and put it in your mouth.

At that point, the popcorn will be lodged between your canine tooth and the other one behind it. That always kind of has a toothache anyway. You have six weeks to figure out how to get this out of your goddamn mouth. The time's ticking. But will you be picking your teeth? Or will you die That's what happens every time I eat popcorn

Right when I open the microwave I want to play a game Fuck I just want to watch a movie I have a different idea Yeah so I probably in that situation I would use my hair But I've just never heard of that

That's like the most unique thing Like you know when somebody You know when they're like Go around the room And say three interesting things about yourself Like we had to do that at my job The first, it sucks, dude That's the worst moment of my life

Three interesting things about yourself I'm like, god damn it Why don't i revert all the way back to like the three most uninteresting things ever i'm like i played football in college i was raised in indianapolis and i like big buildings i like tractors okay uh you can work in the kitchen only we're not gonna let actual customers see you or hear you here's your apron hair between the teeth yo that's insane i guess uh mine kind of similar maybe when i get anxious Or when I'm like freaking out

I don't like rub my pants Like some people rub their thigh, you know Or like what's like an anxious tick Bite their lip, bite their fingernail I'm almost done biting my nails, I swear to God But this is what I do I take a pinch of my nose hair And just start ripping it out god damn why does it hurt so

good yeah that is weird it's not weird than putting your hair between your teeth I swear but pinching but like because it's helping you you know I guess I guess getting shit out of your teeth with your hair is helping you too but dude I think nose hair is the weirdest thing like come on it stops like the dust so you don't inhale like uh toxins so you need nose hair shut up ashley producer ashley did i shave the shit out of my nose hair since when since i was 10 when my best friend called me out for it that's when i knew my friend was like bro you already got nose hair? I was in third grade. I was like... Then I just had to grab a little pinch.

Alright, let's keep going. Jill Reed. G-I-L-L-R-E-E-D. Jill Reed. G-I-L-L If your name's not actually Gil I will submit some kind of Penalty to your parents for naming you this

Gil Reed What's something you do that's illegal? What's something you do that should be illegal but isn't? So when I want to watch somebody's story on Instagram But I don't want them to see that i'm watching their story there's a website where you can go to and you can watch people's instagram stories anonymously it's probably the most psycho thing that i think i've ever participated in hey walking red flag. Damn, dude.

That is crazy. Like, who cares? Jesus Christ. So all the people not watching my Instagram stories, wanna fuck. Everybody watching my Instagram stories, what are you doing, you psychos? That's really crazy. Who knew knew except for every single girl whoa that is so crazy what's the website all right let's keep going k francis norris another good voice comedian from i want to say south.

I don't know where he is now. Just near Chicago. We'll say that. K. Francis Norris, what's something you do that should be illegal but isn't? For the last year, I've been stealing moss out of my neighbor's yard and using it to fill in the bare spots in my yard. Not illegal. Feels pretty good. i haven't thought about

moss by a tree in like 17 years to cover your bald spots in your yard when you know you own a house and you're bored why aren't we just Growing moss in the yard I think grass is a lost Cause man Why do we still have grass Make it all turf Don't even look at it ever again But my dog shits

Okay Ashley producer Have a place in your backyard where the dog can crap The rest of it can be turf Cutting grass Dude aliens are watching us cut the grass And they're just throwing back drinks And laughing their dicks off Smacking each other on the ass

Did you see Edkin cut off his hand When he was cutting the grass It doesn't even need to be there That's how that really sounds I translated it for you Me and Mr. D that's how that really sounds I translated for you me and me and Mr D were talking about this on the Patreon a little sneak peek how come when you were cutting your grass as a kid you know the first time you cut your grass you're like oh my

god I'm an adult now uh and then you did it like two times and you're getting kind of comfortable with it and then like the fifth time you did it, you tried to do it without shoes, and your mom and dad repelled from the roof of your house with AK-47s and put them up to your head, and were like, put on motherfucking shoes right now. This is an order.

And walked you into your house with a gun behind your back and your hands above your head. Why? Why is mowing the lawn cutting the grass i never know which way to say it why is that why is it why is it such a crime when you don't have shoes on because you could step on something you can step on but what are you going to step on that the lawnmower isn't going to take care of? You have a human helicopter blade in a lawnmower right in front of you. What are you going to step on that it's not going to take care of? And if somehow the blade comes off the lawnmower and slices your feet off,

do you think shoes like what are really gonna help what shoes are you wearing what shoes are you wearing steel toes you wearing red wings while you cut the grass i don't know man i'm just trying to get my feet tan let a player be let's keep going Boomer Scribbles what's something you do that should be illegal but it isn't

I never learned to tie my shoes like an adult I still only know the bunny ears method I'm 29 see I don't for some reason i don't really i don't really blame that i don't think i learned how to do a lot of shit and if it's still if it works like why would i learn something uh that i don't need to anymore like if you're if her shoe if she's just fucking she just has like zero arms and her face is always scuffed up

from tripping and shit on her shoelaces, yeah, learn how to do it. But if you're swoop looping and bunny earing, if you're hopping around with bunny ears on your goddamn feet, then whatever. I wonder what things I haven't learned besides everything. I'm kind of with that, whatever. I wonder what things I haven't learned besides everything. I'm kind of with that, though.

Everybody thinks you need to learn, like, the most complex shit. Like, I don't know how to tie a tie. What's my solution for that? Don't ever wear one. Don't ever wear. I remember the first time I wore a tie and a shirt that was nice with a button up and a jacket over the top and pants and i like was going to my uh internship at the news station i like facetime my sister and she she looked she goes what the hell are you wearing because it's like my it's

my sister she's used to me wearing like just t-shirts and and like with a thong under and that's it you know but she's like what are you wearing and i was just wearing like a suit and tie and she was like damn and i go what like is something up like did i miss a button like is my hair weird she goes i just never like did you ever really think you'd be wearing those kind of clothes and that's when i knew i'm in the wrong profession for the 19th time but yeah i don't know how to tie a tie so i'm like i guess i'll just never wear a tie sounds good to me it's not a winner or lose actually it's just a draw it's your visi what's something you do that should be illegal but it isn't hey ben how's it going good thanks for asking for real yeah so something illegal i do that i believe or sorry something legal i do that i believe my be illegal. Sorry, something legal I do that I believe should be illegal.

This is my whole life, bro. Don't worry about the fumble. It would be snorting rails, railing lines of pre-workout. I'm not going to lie. My doctor told me. I told my doctor about it. I've been getting nosebleeds and whatnot. He says it's not the right thing to do.

There's more. If you couldn't hear him, he said he snorts lines of pre-workout. But, you know what I, you gotta do what you gotta do to get that pump. You know what I mean? Alright, have a good one, yeah. The most like, unconfident ending to a voice message he knows he's fucked wasn't he

but you know what you gotta do what you gotta do to get that pump you know what I mean alright I have a good one yeah the most I'm gonna die tomorrow laugh ever listen to but you know what you gotta do what you gotta do to get that pump you know what? You got to do what you got to do to get that pump.

You know what I mean? All right. Have a good one. Yeah. Nobody's ever done that laugh when they're not going to like probably have a heart attack. I've never used pre-workout. Okay. I lied.

I used pre-workout. Okay, I lied. I used pre-workout in college for like three months, and it was like, all right. But I don't know. I don't know. Maybe I should, because I, god damn, I can't live worth shit anymore. I've been working out every day for so long, it's kind of like, what if I just quit?

I swear, if I work out If I don't work out for a week I might never work out again If you work out five days A week you should get a Free workout pass the next Monday So you just don't have to go I'm going to walk into LA Fitness with my

Lunch ticket from 5th grade Ha ha ha ha ha Snorting lines of pre-workout fitness with my lunch ticket from fifth grade. Snorting lines of pre-workout. I guess it's better than shaking up a bottle for 25 minutes while you're working out, walking around the gym with it. Might have a point there. All right, here we go. Might have a point there. Ha ha ha ha. Alright, here we go.

CLB Thompson. What's something you do that should be illegal, but it's not? I keep eating the grapes in the grocery store. They don't know. But I pay for them. Hold on. Why was this the most, like most relaxed, cool fucking thing ever? What was he doing during this?

Like getting a pedicure or something? With someone feeding him grapes? Like he's Cleopatra? Who's fanning him down with a big leaf? I keep eating the grapes in the grocery store. They don't know. But I pay for them. I wonder how many grapes I've stolen from the grocery store, honestly.

I'm thinking like 80 bags worth. Every time I go. I don't even know if I need groceries. I'm like, but I am going to get a grape. You know they're not like watered down. Your mom's always like, rinse off the grapes. You always steal one from the store. It's all dusty and shit.

That's the only way we ate fruit growing up. Mom was like, you want fruit? You eat it. In the store. What things have you done in the store that you probably shouldn't besides eating an entire cookie cake that was for samples dude i do does anyone remember the phase that target went through and it was like kind of target revamp because target used to be kind of whack and then they got super sexy overnight.

What did Target do? They made their stores banging. Oh, they hired that clothing company. They did the talk about a glow up Target. Target used to be ass. But at one point, Target had fire samples. It was like it was like they would just give you cups of ice cream with apple pie and every day I went to Target I was like

the fucking bakery bitch. That baker lady turns her back. He turned into James Bond. You're like crawling on the ground below the cakes where they can't see. There's like the bakery cookbook in front of the samples. You're like, who's reading this? Right when that lady turns her bag. I mean, no, I'm not seven years old still.

Here we go. Noah Borer. We'll do like two more. What's something you do that should be illegal, but it isn't? Not knowing how to use a roundabout. I still don't know. I'm like, does everybody know? I'm always like, there's got to be one more of me in this roundabout. I still don't know. I'm like, does everybody know? I'm always like, there's gotta be one more of me

in this roundabout that kinda isn't sure. I'm going around and I gotta go right out here, but there's two lanes. I don't know. It just separates. It's a natural selection for driving. It is. And I should be dead.

I can't believe it, bro. I shouldn't be allowed to drive. Here we go. Matt Robert, what's something you do that should be illegal but is not? So something that I do that should be illegal but is not, all right, and hear me out on this. Is when I'm out shopping. I don't care how fucking close I am to parking next to it.

I refuse to put the shopping cart back in the shopping cart thing. Alright. And not because I'm lazy. But because. Like do you ever out and be shopping or like driving. And just every fucking person that's out is just is just fucking annoying. Just doing shit to just like just ruin your day. So like I try to do stuff that I can also ruin someone else's day. So I'll try to tuck the shopping cart like in the middle of a scene.

Right. Kind of like right by behind a big truck. That way people can't see it. So, you know, they'll go to swoop in the parking of a scene, kind of like right behind a big truck. That way people can't see it. So they'll go to the swoop in the parking spot real quick, fucking hit that shopping cart like 20 miles an hour. Be like, yep, you know what? That's what you get. He's just opposite of pay it backwards.

You piss me off? Guess what? I was pulling into a parking spot the other day and there's a cart like right at the front of it and i was like what the fuck i guess i can hit this cart real soft and it'll like move out of the way so i can finish pulling up in the spot because i was like i'm not getting out moving this cart and then like getting back like fuck that so i just like nudged it like a little bit With the front of my car And it rolled away and hit another car And the lady was in the car

But thank god she fucking She laughed Cause she watched the whole thing But if we were at If we were at Target I would have left Bye Here we go Obey the vag holy shit If we were at Target, I would have left. Bye. Here we go.

Obey the vag. Holy shit. What's something you do that should be illegal that isn't? Okay, so what should be illegal that isn't is blacking out every night. Like, that's insane. I mean, in the hallway okay so what should be illegal that isn't is blacking out every night like that's insane the way she says night is just everything i love okay so what should be illegal that isn't is blacking out every night. Like, that's insane. Why is this?

Why do I kind of? Why is this? Should this be like a TikTok audio or something? I just can picture her face like the whole time. Okay, so what should be illegal that isn't is blacking out every night. Like, that's insane. this is one of those audio clips i want to put the reverb on like what should be illegal but is it is it is blacking out every night that's insane and then a beat drops behind it.

What? What? What should be illegal? That's insane. Blacking, blacking out. I swear I'm keeping that for good, dude. And it's going to stay in your head forever. It's insane, hey, every night.

All right. Wow. Espresso question of the week. Let's do a viral. Viral. Viral is a segment where I pick the most popular hashtags on the internet And just talk about them for a little bit But before we go viral I have to remind you The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media

If you want to start your own show Visit thewave1.com Alright, here we go Hashtag Family gatherings are. I think even if I had a girlfriend for 17 years, I still wouldn't bring her to my family Christmas. I don't think I could.

I think it'd be so weird. I don't think I could. I think it'd be so weird. Because I know what I did when my cousins brought their new girlfriends or their girlfriends to our Christmas. I was like, all we did was just, like, we were nice to them, but then, like, we just roasted them the whole time too. Like, they could have been so cool, but we, I've said this before on this podcast, but it's just...

It'll never leave my head. One time, my cousin brought his girlfriend over that he was dating for, like, two years, and she was, like, cool and shit. She was down. But, like, we were all kind of like, mm, there's something. And... But we couldn't, like, pick it out. Like, she was...

She was... She wasn't hitting the, like the nah bro not she's not the one button but she was close and then one time we were all like playing video games like you know how that goes later on the night like all the parents like eventually start hanging out then all the kids start hanging out and it's fucking lit we were all the kids were playing video games and she went in there with my cousin we were playing a football video game

and she looked at the TV and she was like oh my god is this Maiden yeah Maiden NFL Maiden and we were just trying to play it so cool and then my little cousin all of a sudden was like just were just trying to play it so cool And then my little cousin just all of a sudden was like Just I was trying to play it cool in front of my cousin

That was dating her Because I didn't want to make him feel bad But I was like damn dog Maiden You can't Maiden 2004 I'm John Maiden Family gatherings are so hard to leave I'm John Maiden.

Family gatherings are so hard to leave. This is impossible. Say you're leaving your family Christmas at 4 p.m. and actually do it. No one's ever done that in the history of the world. That should be a fear factor thing or like a escape room. The new escape room should be your family Christmas party. I want to play a game. You have to leave at 4 p.m. to go to your other Christmas.

If you leave at 4.01, you're dead. There's no way, dude. There is no way. Something will always happen. You sure you don't want this pie? You're like, no, I don't want this pie. But then you're like, my car's behind your car. I gotta pull out. God damn it.

You sure you don't want one more drink? Just stay for the rest of the game. Game. Game. My grandparents would try to give us everything in their house before we left. Did I say leave? Holy shit. My grandparents would try to give us everything.

We'd get in a fight on the way out. We'd have a great trip, starting to walk out. All right, we're getting out of here. See you guys. You want to take this? No, we're good. Come on, take that. Take the bowl of spaghetti that we just made for everybody here.

You take it. No, we're good. Well, you want a bottle of wine? Do you want a bottle of wine? No, we're good. Come on. I'm 12. I don't know. What about this? You want this fruit basket? Nobody's going to eat. Come on, dude. And then they'd be like, take something. We'd be like, no, fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck. All right. We're going to leave. We're getting out of here. Okay. Bye.

It was like, it was like just the cherry on top of a perfect trip. Everybody's like, fuck you. Hashtag that got me to the ER. Oh my God. You know what should have got me to the wrong ER or what should have got me to the ER? Putting the wrong contact solution in my eye one morning. I don't know who's out there with contact gang, but you ever, I'll sleep in my contacts. Cause I'm like, God, I forget that I've had contacts for 30 years.

I still forget to take those bitches out. And one morning, like it was, I woke up and you know, you fall asleep and you wake up at like one And you're like wait Something's not right And you're like

I didn't take my contacts out But you're so tired You're like fuck it So you sleep in them And then the next morning You gotta put some contact solution Like you gotta like Refresh your contacts

Cause you gotta put them back in And go the rest of the day And it doesn't even necessarily Even like matter But just don't do it every night Trust me I've done it So you gotta refresh your contacts

You gotta put some contact solution on there And I did that And it's when I was younger And I put like the hydrogen peroxide cleaner in there With the red cap I was like whatever This will probably just work really good I think I fell to my knees

And everyone downstairs heard it. It was like God struck me with lightning or something. I was like, Crying and shit. My eyes the whole day were just blood. I want to play a game. Hashtag odd ways to comfort someone for me i swear to god somebody came up to me and goes for me and i was like i'm gonna die odd ways to comfort me somehow get my plans canceled in the night and bring me food.

Bring me a rotisserie chicken. Give me a tis. Instead of give me a kiss, it's the new shit. Give me a tis. If you can find one, there might be eight rotisserie chickens in the city every day. It's like a mad dash to get a rotisserie chicken around here. What do I have to do? Are these Jordans on Christmas Eve?

If you try to buy a rotisserie chicken after 7 p.m., good luck. You're not eating. I'm going to wait at the door at Whole Foods for a rotisserie chicken. Dude, those are gone in seconds. I know why, too. Because they're so good. That's one thing I totally forgot about when I wasn't eating chicken and meat and shit

was rotisserie chickens. Those, bang, what's wrong with them? There's got to be something wrong with them. They're too good. Every time I'm eating something too good, a little alarm goes off in my head. I'm like, bro, you're getting addicted to this shit because it's way too good.

What's wrong with it? I can't figure it out. Do they like dunk them in butter? Every rotisserie chicken. Just a bucket of butterball. They just like inject it with Pam. They're so good. Goddamn. Merry Christmas. just like inject it with Pam they're so good goddamn Merry Tess my house to you gotta admit I asked you days a week then we'll get on to our new seg and we'll

bounce da da da da days of the week Thursday Duh-duh. Days of the week. Thursday. Christmas card day. That is a cute little fucking thing everybody does is Christmas cards. It's crazy when you get a Christmas card from somebody. You're like, whoa.

You have too much time on your hands. Christmas cards? From the blah blah blah family. Their dog is always fucking in it. Thanks guys. I'm like, whoa, you're a real family? Those are still around? If you have a real family, get a life.

Grow up. Saturday. National Noodle Ring Day. What the fuck's a noodle ring? Ew. No. There's no way. I thought this was like a pool toy.

This is a ring of noodles mashed together That's so gross I think noodles are weird You know those big thick noodles Oh fuck noodles are weird Noodles are weird Noodles are weird Like chicken noodle soup they're like thin

But just noodles Oh Maybe it's the word, the double O. Ew, man. You know those like gelatin rings? It's like that only just bunches of noodles. Fuck. Has anyone ever had a noodle

ring? Christmas noodles. Noodle. That should be like the name of a dog or something. Hey noodles. Noodle. That should be like the name of a dog or something. Hey noodles, come here. A name of a cat. Cats always have those weird fucking names. You know they cats hate their names so much. You can't even

name a cat. Cats don't pay attention to their names. That's why like half of them are called kitty. Oh shit. Like it does anything when you name a cat. Sunday, gingerbread house day. This is my conspiracy theory. This is going to be next week's question.

What conspiracy theory do you believe in? For me, I already know mine. For me, they only made Christmas and New Year's so we all don't blow our heads off. I already know mine for me. They only made Christmas and New Year's. So we all don't blow our heads off. I want to play a game. Everything around Christmas is so sexy. Even the poinsettias make a poinsettia in this like, come on moms and poinsettias moms and poinsettias kissing in a tree sitting in a tree k-i-s-s moms and poinsettias kissing in a tree all right y'all alex eakin in the cut 10 minutes on the espresso podcast what's good man how you doing doing good man how are you thanks for having me yeah um hey your tiktok about the uh you're popping off on tiktok by the way that's what's up

first of all but the this potential spam is calling oh yeah that's the just a fucking can of spam yeah man do you do a tiktok every day yeah sometimes i make like three or four man i i've really just been putting out literally anything i can just as fast as i can but uh good shit so you're you're you're blowing up on facebook right now yeah yeah, yeah, yeah. That's really helping too. I was going to tell you, you need to start doing the reels. You need to start putting your shit on there too. There's Facebook reels? Yeah, Facebook reels. It was weird, dude.

I posted the first one that went viral on TikTok. I posted that one on reels. And then it was telling me that I was getting all these likes. But then I couldn't see the view count because Facebook took reels away for me but it was still going on other people's reels it was weird and then all of a sudden I got like the function to do reels again and I opened it up and it was at like 5 million views or whatever but I had no idea get on Facebook anymore you can't not really I don't even know how it works like I don't even, I might not even have a Facebook right now.

I just haven't. It's so foreign to me, I think. Yeah, but I mean, you might as well just be putting it on. Oh, can I cuss on here, by the way, or should I not? No, do whatever. Okay, so yeah, you should fucking put your fucking TikToks on the Facebook reels. And also, why aren't you putting him on um the youtube youtube shorts i didn't think you could monetize on there i mean fuck monetizing i mean dude i mean your

shit goes viral all the time let's put it on youtube man people will see that shit i mean it's just good it's just good for your face to be out there you know if you're you know pursuing stand-up i just think you might you just might as well you know yeah true because i've had videos that like don't do really well on tiktok whatever but they'll get you know 17 000 or whatever on the youtube shorts so this is weird it's weird how she works because on one it'll do well and on the other it won't this is good stuff to talk about no i know it is for our social media convention that we're putting on right now well dude i think it's so important for comics to be doing this and last time we did the club together derek was there too and like i had just seen you blowing up like i

we weren't even friends on tiktok and i was seeing your stuff come through on my for you page and i was like damn like ben's really got it figured out like to be honest i didn't realize how like silly and goofy of a motherfucker you really are like you you are way more silly and shit than i ever thought like dude your shit's great but you are you're a goofball dude you're a huge goofball and i love it i love it man hey how can people follow you real quick everything is alexander the egan alexander the egan yeah what you've been doing today man what you've been doing uh what did i do today i uh went to the gym and then you hit uh go you hit chest on mondays nah dude i'm elliptical all i do is elliptical all day every day that's my

that's my lift you just ride no i'm just i'm just starting to get into it like i do push-ups and then i do my are you fucking eight what are you talking about hey man hey man whatever dude it's way better than doing nothing i'm just i'm getting started i'm getting started on it but you look like you've played sports and stuff before though like you've played sports and stuff before, though. Yeah, I've played sports and stuff before. I remember, I mean, I don't know what vibe I give off, but last time I saw Derek at a show, he comes up to me and he goes, do you know what baseball is?

I'm like, yeah, I know what baseball is. You think I'm unaware of sports? Like, I don't know why, but, yeah, I've played sports. I know what's going on. What else do you do, man? I sauna all the time. Do you sauna? Yeah, the sauna's big.

I get way too hot in there. I know that's the point. But once like seven minutes hit, I kind of start to freak out. Like I think I get way hotter than normal people maybe. Yeah, I try to make it to 10 minutes. If I make it to 10 minutes and then I go and I take an immediate like a freezing cold shower i heard that was some i heard that was psycho or does that actually work the hot cold hot cold thing uh i mean psycho for what purpose for what reasons because it's like hard just because it's like is it necessary? You know what I mean? Who's doing all that?

Do you sound like anybody? It's just like anybody. You got to defrost in the morning. Is it even necessary? I mean, I don't think a lot of things are. You're like, wait, did you play sports? Yeah. I mean, I don't know.

I mean, I don't do a lot of things because they're necessary. I do them because I like it feels good to me. It feels good. I think it because it like closes your pores really fast. Oh, I don't do a lot of things because they're necessary. I do them because I like it feels good to me. It feels good. I think it because it like closes your pores really fast. And I heard that. I don't know, man. It just it wakes you up, dude. I don't even need coffee in the morning.

Just do a do a sauna and a cold shower at all anymore. No, I do. I'm just saying I don't need to. It's not necessary. But yeah. Don't give me that F boy laugh. um no i do i'm just saying i don't need to it's not necessary but uh yeah don't give me that f-boy laugh i heard that sorry man i'm having a good time so you're elliptical sauna all right what else you do today man come on i uh give me a second jesus and then i went to uh hey we don't have much time bro we got 10

minutes okay I'm going I'm going my sister's my sister's having a baby because she she she likes to get cummed in I guess and so she's having a baby and uh yeah dude she's getting wait then I guess yeah wait you you were moving to LA and then you came back here because your sister's having a baby and then you're gonna go back out there when she's when it's all said and done yeah when the baby's where were you what was going on in la when you were out there like where'd you live and stuff i lived on an air mattress on my friend's studio apartment baby it was pretty great it was honestly the happiest i've ever been in my life like are you serious no job yeah you oh no job no job yeah no job um i had some cash um saved up it was great so i just literally spent all day because he writes for cbs he's a cbs uh sitcom writer so he's like at work all day

and i'm just in la with nothing to do with but have at his time to write yeah yeah but it was it was great man i learned a lot and i can't wait to go back up were you doing the shows at like 2 p.m and shit at the fourth wall i didn't i didn't do any afternoon shows but i did have did you ever do that show in the alleyway like that i can't remember what it's called dude but you pay five bucks to perform and then the fucking producers get drunk and help you it's like dude it's like why are you heckling me right now i just paid you five bucks and yes it was a it was a nightmare but uh what clubs do you do when you go out there do you did you audition any clubs uh flappers the haha i got up on at the laughugh Factory just for their open mic. I wasn't on a show, but I still got on. That's awesome.

I was at the comedy store. I forget what it's called. Not that. And there's an actual show I was on. And I was like, whoa. Kill Tony? Huh? Kill Tony?

No. I was in that. I tried to get on that show probably like 18 weeks in a row never did really yeah that's funny the first time i went to the store i got on potluck because i ran into adam ray do you know who that is yeah you know him yeah well i just i went up to him i was like hey ma'am come here i'm a big fan he was like awesome you want to go on the potluck tomorrow i was like like, yeah. That was recently? No, this was like

a long time ago. I think I was 21. I had been doing stand-up for like two years. I had no business going over there. He was like running the open mic or something? No, no. We were staying at the hotel next to the store, and so I was just hanging out on the patio, getting drunk, fucked up, whatever. And he came out. He was doing a set,

and he came out to get a drink at the bar, and I was like big fan adam appreciate you know i'm a i'm a comedian in the midwest time caller long time yeah yeah exactly and he was just he was so dope he was just like he was like yeah man that's great you want to do a spot at the potluck and i was like yes and i was like this is bad but yeah how did you do at the store I was I was on the potluck and I was first to go so they were like they were like only ghosts there from the comedy store oh yeah oh I know dude I know dude it's that room was brutal dude I I did my whole set to no laughs and the only big laugh I got at the end was I was just me like giving up like well none of that worked and then like that got a laugh and i just left dude it was it was brutal

and i was giving it my all too i was just like being really like i know me too this guy's not from here yeah exactly yeah i think we hit our 10 minutes dog i think so too all right well thanks for having me ben yeah bro hey you should come come on the real thing in a couple of weeks the real thing i just discredited this whole entire segment yeah do i get a second interview yeah i'll come out for sure the indie will make a little tick and then we'll do a pod. How's that sound? I shorten every word. All right.

Great, man. That sounds great, dude. Well, I'll see you. Enjoy the rest of your podcast. Hey, man. Love you. All right. Love you too.

Bye. All right. All right. That's the end of Shop 188. Remember to join the Patreon for that extra episode and some bloopers every now and then. Yeah, dude. I love you guys thanks for listening thanks for uh commenting sharing remember to follow on all platforms tell the homies and the home girls about the pod because it's popping i saw a couple spotify raps with the espresso pod on there, and that's exciting.

I love you guys for it, man. Okay, I'll talk to you guys next week. Bye, fam.