Espresso - THINGS YOU MISSED OUT ON | Espresso Pod 441

Episode Date: October 15, 2026

Eating two pounds of heavy chicken parmesan and three loaves of garlic bread right before trying to put on a legendary performance naked in bed is standard operating procedure for a Tuesday. We are losing our minds over why 50 Cent climbing three stories of rusty scaffolding on MTV Spring Break in a full G-Unit jumpsuit lost him all his aura and how breaking up with a girl because she spelled the word Texas wrong in a text is completely reasonable behavior. Stop acting like you do not secretly want to party with green laser beams at a 2000 Miami nightclub while pretending you would not pass around topless senior slideshow Polaroids in the high school cafeteria.-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------

When I was a kid, they let kids run the bases at Turner Field where the Braves played. And I bailed. I know. And I can't even tell you how much I still think about it Tuesday. I know. Because sometimes goodbye is a second chance. Oh, those things are on. Oh, my God.

Expressway podcast shop 441. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who's probably going to go to jail because taxes are due to night and he hasn't even started. And he doesn't even know how to start. Hey, remember to watch me on F.O. Island and F Girl Island on HBO Max. Wait, did the Washington Post hail F. Boy Island

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on for $5 a month. What do I get if I join? Oh my God. I like still don't know. You get every other podcast like the next one and every single live stream at the end of the week. Yeah. What do you even talk about in the live stream? It doesn't make any sense to me. Do you just give tours of your new apartment or something? Do you just talk about stores that are inside of other stores like party city inside of Staples and Savora inside of Coles? No. Why would we do that? Why would we ever talk about that? We would never talk about stuff like that. Okay, do you just talk about your ex that you saw at a party last weekend? No. I don't know, but you can find out by $5 a month. Join on the miss her. You get all your merch at benedictmerch.com. 50% off all merch with code

bulb, nice or glonky at checkout. What kind of merch do you even have? Like, what does that even mean? We have we out here being nice merch. We out here being nice. The cat calling stuff. We got feeling glonky merch. We got who's buying this? Merch. We got it all. We got these guys merch. We got everything.

Benedict Merch. Let's get into the cook, cook, cook question of the week. Hey, what's the thing you missed out on? What's the thing you wish you could have done? FOMO. Why did it end? Why did it end before it could begin for me? What do I wish I could have done?

I wish I could have gone on spring break when they had MTV spring break out on the beach. God! What's the thing I wish I could have done? Gone to MTV Spring Break in Panama City? Lord, I swear that's why I look like this. Because I watched MTV Spring Break on a big back TV in my living room. for my whole childhood.

Jaw to the floor. While Eminem's on stage in a full baby blue Jordan jumpsuit. My name is. Seriously, that's the first time I was like, that's what I want to do. Like for the rest of my life. Like that that's what, did that not look so,

that had to be the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life? So wait, they're all on, they can just go to the beach. Like think about the logistics. of spring break for a second. Yeah, so we're all in college and we kind of don't even know how we're in college.

If you think about it, everybody's in college, but like, how do we even get all this money to get to college? All these fake scholarships we have, all this, yeah, these grants. And I'm like, what is this even?

What? Everybody's in college. They all meet new friends. They all have money somehow. And they all drive the same week to go to a beach and then just 50 cents there. Oh my God.

And it's all just like, yeah, go ahead. Bro, that's the first time I saw like stage design, you know? Like you see like stage like set up concert stuff at the Super Bowl when you're a kid. And you're like, oh, that's pretty sick, I guess. I don't know. It's a Super Bowl, though. But when it's on a beach and there's palm trees and people on inner tubes floating in the water, beach balls being passed around, Carson Daly, big backdrops.

MTV Sprint. Oh my God, man. And it just looked like there were 70,000 people there. There probably was. Am I the only one that remembers like 50 Cent performing and like climbing the scaffolding behind him and like getting caught in it? Or did I make that up in my head? I probably dream that. I probably actually dream that.

But I just, I think 50 Cent was performing. You know, I'm talking about one of his like his tanks that he wore. You know those G unit tanks? They weren't like beaters, like normal haines that you buy at the store. They were like strap and they had like colors. Oh, oh, please Lord. Please God, bring those back. Oh my.

Every time I work out, every time I work out, every time I walk in a gym, I still hear a 50 cent. Go, go, go. Every time I'm on a treadmill. Go, go, go, go, go, go, go. Oh, 50 cent. G unit chain, the circle one that was like spinning. This had to be the craziest, like, time in America. Chain hanging to, like, his belly button.

I hate the word belly button. I can't believe I just said that, but what else do you call it? And, uh, jean shorts so long, you're like, are those floods? Are those like the pants my mom wears when she's with my aunt? And they're going shopping, you know? They're that long. the biggest white shoes and he climbed the spring break

scaffolding behind him and like got caught in it and the cameras were like dog and he like couldn't get his leg out he was like three stories up like on some hype like craziest time of his life like peak 50 cent

he was just like what I'm about to climb up this during the song and he got stuck and everybody I was like I don't know if we're supposed to be seeing this because it was like it was so unathletic

I was like gosh. Kind of lost some aura there, Fiddy. No, I thought it was hard. Insane. What do you wish you could have done? Another one. A low-key one, man.

I wish I just would have played basketball in high school. Like, to be honest. Like, for real, like, MTV Spring Break, cool answer. But, like, my honest answer, I just wish I would have played basketball. Why did I not play basketball? Something happened. And, like, I think, and no one even

told me not to play basketball. I think I just told myself, I was like, I don't really feel like playing I guess. I think I just want to work out maybe for football. Damn, man. Like, I hear songs on the radio and I think of me playing basketball in high school, running out of the tunnel and running around the gym. And I didn't even play basketball. Like, that's how bad I should have played. Stupid, man. And playing basketball helps you later in life because it makes you athletic. I didn't know that. I didn't know that. And my dad even every year was like, hey, A, B, I think you should play basketball.

And I was like, I think I'm just going to work out. And he was like, okay, but I think you should play back. I just didn't even listen to him. That's a cool thing about my dad. He wasn't like drills. Like he was like super, super, super. Ran a tight ship. Tight program.

Strict program at home. but he didn't make me do anything. Like if I wanted to be in the play, he would have been like, yeah. He would have made fun of me, but he'd been like, just do it. That's when I needed. I bet everybody, I don't know,

I'm still pissed off about it. Okay, what's the thing that you wish you could have done? Tear, babe. Maybe it's just the thrill of the chase, but I've got a feeling I'm winning this race. Baby, I'm in much closer. I just need permission.

so give me the green light Give me just one night I'm ready to go I'm ready to go right now Sorry heater B is Mr. Water A

I'm not going to lie I heard someone saying that before It's been stuck in my head ever since Naturally The thing that I've missed out on That I should have done When I was a kid They let kids run

the bases at Turner Field where the Braves played and I bailed. I know. And I can't even tell you how much I still think about it to this day. I know. Like when I saw players running around, I was like, man, I could have experienced what that was like to run the bases of a major league ballpark. I know. And what's worse, I'll literally never.

never have that opportunity again. Nope. Nope. Like maybe I'd get to walk on the field. Maybe, but I'll never get to run the bases again. What a flex. So naturally, I'm just devastated. Also, I haven't called in a while just because I got injured. And naturally, I didn't want to do anything.

So I shut down. But I miss you, boo. And I love you. Bye. Dude, I love you too. And sometimes, hey, sounds crazy, but sometimes you need to get injured. Just say, hey, chill, chill. It's just God being like, hey, just chill, bro.

You know? Oh, you snapped your leg in half? Maybe you just need to chill at home for a couple months. How about that? Yeah, dude. Run around. Wow. Isn't it crazy the stuff you pass up on when you're a kid because you're just like,

you don't want to leave your house? I was that kid, bro. I never, like I just wanted to. I loved being at home, man. It just, damn. I'm still like that too. I never want to leave. I'm like, God, it's just so.

nice at home. You know, everything's just here. I'm, this is literally the best. Like, every day when I don't have to leave the house, it's the best day in my life. I'm like, wow. Like, all the stuff. Like, I can just sit here. I can be on my phone. I can just eat stuff. Like, hey, maybe, maybe I will leave just to get a coffee and come right back. Dude, I love, I don't get people that are like, oh my God. I've, like, just been, like, trapped inside. Like, I'm antisocial. I'm like, I live for antisocial, bro. Put me away for good. It's just so nice. So comforting. Literally, we have I have nothing in my room. My bed's on the ground. I'm like, this cannot get any better. This can't get. I literally said that before I got in my bed last night. I was like,

doesn't get any better than this, boys. Hey, remember this. And when times are tough, remember this. All right, but yeah. Never wanted to leave the house when I was a kid. And I got opportunities He's like that too. I got an opportunity to do karate one time, was begging for it, finally got it, said no, okay, I didn't want to go. I got too scared. I wanted to stay home and, like, eat macaroni. Come on.

Dude, that's when he needs, like, a good friend to be like, bro, go. You know when you really don't want to do something in your, your home, he's like, go. And you're like, I don't. And they're like, go. And you're, okay. That's what happened to me last weekend. I went to a party because my friend was like, you have to go. And I was like, I don't want to at all.

It took me like four days to build up to the courage to go to a party. You got to have a homie. That's like, go. You're like, okay, okay, okay. Because it really is that serious. Isn't it funny how you're talking about you could have rounded the bases on the Braves field? Like, isn't it so, like, insane to think about stepping on like a professional field? Like I played football my whole life

But still like if I'm at a call Like a low level like D2 or college football I just have to like step on the turf two times And be like all right You just got I just gotta feel the dirt between my fingers I just gotta Remember what it's like To strap it up one last time

Dude can you imagine the pictures of you rounding the bases On the Braves field the Braves have the coolest field. Dude, the Atlanta Braves. Sick baseball team. Everything about the Braves. The Tomahawk on the Unis with the yellow in it. Like close to being one of the best logos.

Tomahawk. The colors that gray uni that they rocker on the back. Just saying. Yeah, that sucks, man. I feel you. Bad. Or like, I think one time I have. had a chance to like catch a kickoff at a Colts game and I was like,

nah, I don't want to like be embarrassed. Come on. Just before he says good night. He looks up with a little smile at me and he says, if I can be like that, these are he, I would give anything just to live one day in those shoes. If I can be life that What would I do? Ooh, kind of good

What would I do? Yeah, oh my God, am I going to cry? I know. That song is so good and sad. Damn, three doors down. Got me good on my drive home from work right now. Hi, Huntie. Something I missed out on.

Something that came to mind was after senior prom my whole, like, friend group, a lot of my friend group, not all of them, but like a lot of them, the cool kids, if you will, they all were allowed to, like, take the whole next week off of school, which how? I don't know. And they went, I don't even know where they went, but we live in New Jersey, so probably like seaside or Atlantic City or Ocean City, like, you know, some beach town they went to for like the entire week and shit was just crazy. Like, they had a crazy ass time. My parents

were a hard know on that. I was not allowed to go and I was like devastated. But turned out in my favor because a week later or something we had a slideshow. Senior slide show in the cafeteria all the seniors went.

They're playing, you know, sad songs. We're graduating. All of our photos are running through a slide show. And then all of a sudden people are freaking out because Polaroid pictures of some of my friends, actually, topless are being passed around table to table, cafeteria table to cafeteria table.

They must have had like a wet t-shirt contest and then shit got crazy. And they took off their tops and like my friend's boobs were just being exposed and passed around during the senior slideshow. And I just remember thinking, oh my God, imagine. Parents were called. The pictures were taken. game like it was a whole thing. And I was like, oh my God, mom and dad, I've never loved you more for not letting me go.

Anyway, what would I do? Yeah. Crazy. I did not see that coming. Oh my God. Yeah, that's never happened to me. There's never been like a, oh, thank God. Actually, a couple of times.

Like, finally I didn't do it. Finally, I'm not involved. Like, what a relief that is. Dear God. You lucky, ah. If I could be like that. It's such a big deal. Dude, boobs are just always such a big deal.

Think of the biggest deal in your life. And then think of the next biggest deal. It's boobs. What's the biggest deal in your life? Okay? Cool. What's the next biggest? Boobbs.

It's so crazy, bro. Like, talk about the most compelling thing ever. Just boobs. That's a crazy. In high school, that's like super illegal. That's the most illegal thing that can ever happen. And they're just getting past? Dude, high school's a crazy play.

I kind of can't believe high school's allowed. Do you ever think? about that? Like I can't, but like, like, what couldn't go wrong? Who thought of high school? You, the little freak? Yeah, let's put all these things. That's crazy. Dude, high school should be like prisons. Like, I, like, you know what I mean? Like, I don't know. There's too much that can go wrong in a high school. It just does not. It's not okay. Oh my God. Like, it's even weird. If a teacher takes the pictures and it's like, I got to know we're confiscating these. It's like, okay, weirdo.

Where are you putting those? You freak? You put them in your car. You pervert. Like what? Everything's weird. That's lucky. What is something that I missed out on getting in trouble?

Like, why did we have such a fear of getting in trouble as kids? Like, like, if I wanted to toilet paper somebody now, that'd be like, it'd probably be like an assault. And I got charges that'll follow me the rest of my life. But if you do it as a kid, what the fuck was going to happen? Like, why were we in so much fear of getting in trouble? What's going to happen? Like, oh, in school suspension, fine. Out of school suspension, even better.

Like, oh. Oh. Are you gonna give me like, uh, like, uh, not at home prison? What, what the fuck is it called? Someone's saying it right now. Like, okay, fine. I gotta stay at home. Big whoop.

That's cool. Like, what was the fear? Getting grounded? Like, I had video games. Like, I had shit to do. That's fucking fine. Like, I don't understand what we were in fear of. So like, if you were going to fuck up, why would you not do it as a kid?

Yeah. What's the worst that you're going to get? Probation? For me, it was more masturbation. Oh my God. That's what? That was all okay. That was gross.

I was gross. Oh, geez. And that's that guy right there who just called in. That's what we like to call it. jerk off. Gosh. You just couldn't see the big picture as a kid.

You didn't know like you didn't really get in trouble. Under 18 you can kind of do anything you want. But like, I don't know. I always thought like I was just going to go to jail anyway.

Like, oh, I'm 16. I did something stupid. I'll probably go to jail though. Just because like of what I did. I didn't know the law, man. But when I got in trouble when I was under 18, like I really did go

a jail like just at my house. Like I couldn't, if I got in trouble, like if I got grounded, like I, there were no, there was no, there was barely food. It was really like I was in jail. Like everybody in my family looked at me like this. That was the craziest part. Like you do something dumb and like your sisters find out about it and they're like, dude, one time my cousin, my cousin found out about it.

I was at Thanksgiving and I got like suspended because I was an idiot in high school. and my cousin was like, yeah, let's not do that ever again. I was like, you know? Oh, my God, this is embarrassing. I couldn't. Yeah, but like those dudes that like, those like students in high school that have sex with the teachers, I'm like, well, not saying it's okay,

but when you're a dude in high school, like, why would you ever? Like, oh my God, bro. I probably would have said no because I'm scared. and I always think I'm going to get in trouble, but like, what a dub, dude. Like, you can't get in trouble. It's their fault and like with your boys. It's like, hey, you smash the English teacher. That's crazy.

But you got to think, wow, what a loser she was. Just keep going on. Man, one thing that I missed out on that I could have gone back on. Shit, taki, mushrooms. Man, I wish I was, I was like 13. I think I was 12 for New Year's 2000. Man, if I could just go back, listen, I'm gay. It is what it is.

I don't care. But if I can go back to Miami, like the good old days, I don't care of it in a straight bar or gay bar and like waiting for listen to or waiting for tonight by Jennifer Lopez. Sorry, that song is a vibe. It's epic. It's fun. Everyone loves it.

Girls love it. Okay. And Miami back then with the green laser lights. I mean, the countdown is built into that song. I don't think you can get better. It would be such a vibe. It would be so cool. And you're in Miami.

I mean, it's got to be sexy. It's got to be hot. I love this guy. And I think everyone would just have a good time. I mean, just think about it for a second. Like put the song on and think about it. Anyways, yeah, that's what I would miss. Especially back then.

Clubs are such a vibe. Oh, I know. Nowadays, it's all like apps and this and that. Barely anyone goes to these clubs anymore. So many big clubs would just shut down. The vibe is totally different. It's not as social anymore at the bars anymore. It just isn't.

You say what you want. It just isn't. But yeah, that's what I miss. Dude, going to a bar or a club like 15 years ago. I know this is like, this isn't a reminiscent or a nostalgic podcast, but like when they used to actually play songs at a club or bar, it was amazing. I remember just hearing like, you know, songs that you'd be like, They'd never play that. And then they played that when you were out with your...

Oh! Screaming two chains at the top of my lungs. No la, no la, no la. No la. No lie. I wish I could just have that audio of me singing. Nobody else. How bad would it be?

And then like all of a sudden they started playing just like... They just played like house music. And they still do it. but I'm like, why would you ever, what do you even do to this? I know that's like me being so old, but honestly, like, every time I've ever gone out recently,

I'm like, this sucks. What happened to like songs? Maybe I'm just going to the wrong places, but it literally seems like every place I've ever gone. It's just like, do chik-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-choo-ch-do-chic-do-ch-ch- I'm like, I'm in a gap right now. I'm in old baby.

I mean, it's cool because like, I guess, because everybody else thinks it's cool. I'm like, all right, I'm not gonna like kill the vibe. But like, what if they were playing a Drake song? You ain't never told no lie. You ain't ever told no law. Mercy?

Oh my God. When you heard mercy in a club. What did I believe? I was like, oh my, I'm literally about to like run through a wall. I'm going to tackle everybody here. I'll break every bottle on my head. What does I bleed? Lamborghini mercy.

Oh my God. People would scream when they'd play songs. Do they still do that? Scream. Because it was so sick. Like, they're playing this? Bro, that's when I thought DJs were cool. I was like, oh my, like that guy, bro.

If that guy, you know, you go to a bar or club so much. You like kind of another rotation. Bad days. Yeah, bad. But like sometimes, oh, dude, we had this dude, Cadillac G, I think. Dude, DJ names. I swear there's a Cadillac G in every season. city in America. But this dude in

Indy, every time I saw his lap time I saw his lap time I said Cadillac G I was like bro, we are. We're good. This dude's about to play bangers. And I would ask him too. I know that's so annoying but I was always the guy. Yo, yeah. Hey, play this Chingy song. It'll bang. Like it isn't his job to play. All right. You right, bro.

Waiting for tonight. Oh! When you could be here in my arms in Miami at a club I would cry the whole song I think I had so much fun at a club one time I thought I think I started crying I was like this is just so amazing that's why you keep going back out you're just like dude my all my friends are here and even your friends that like aren't your friends that you didn't think would show up show oh everybody's here and they're playing this song oh my god and we're getting Taco Bell after come on

I am 27 years old. I was born in 1999. And I really wish people, my age, and younger could experience what it was like to live in the 90s and the early 2000s, like, as adults. Because I feel like that was just such a golden era. Yeah, of course. There was a lot of really messed up stuff happening in the world back then. I mean, there always has been. But people my age could afford to buy a house back then. And nowadays, that's kind of a pipe dream. And I don't know.

I mean, I've been working since I was 13 years old. I had two jobs in high school. Oh, my. I always said that was crazy. I'm still in survival mode a lot of the time. I think it would be really cool to just be able to go back in time and, like, have one source of. income and a two-bedroom house. Dude, that's like the dream.

Oh, and groceries. Dude, don't even get me started. House with bills paid and groceries? Holy shit. No worries. I know. Insane, right? Like, that's ever going to happen.

Anyway, not to be pessimistic. I have a really cynical sense of humor. and you know maybe it could happen someday maybe things will get better I really hope that they do for everyone you sound beautiful but yeah how did that even happen you ever think about like how'd your parents even figure that out or like did they

you know when you're a kid you just have your you're just going day by day you thought your parents like knew everything but they didn't know bro they didn't know shit your parents didn't know shit grown up I'm always like, how did my mom like get anything or my dad get anything done? Were they just guessing the whole time? Like my dad was a football coach and we just had a house. How does that make any sense? We had cars and went to school and my dad was just literally a football coach.

And my mom just like coach tennis and like babysat. How does that make sense? and I was just like throwing a ball to myself in the backyard 24-7. That's what we did. Yep, I guess we'll get pizza tonight. Like, I don't know.

It's crazy how you do everything the way your parents said because that's all you know. Maybe that's why I eat like two different things and wear like four shirts. You know? Because like all I remember eating growing up was just like chicken and spaghetti. And now I just eat two. Different meals, chicken and ground turkey. It's really, for me, for sure, like, your whole life is what happened when you're a kid. I don't know if I have like a very, like I think about my childhood more than everything because it was just like so different compared to what it is now.

That 2000's life. Does everybody do that? or am I just the only one like every like when I think of myself I think of myself like I'm in eighth grade if you can't tell but it just seemed like there were no worries in the 2000s

it was just like yeah all right cool let's why the game's on sick let's go to the mall back street boys CD yeah for sure like every day felt sunny like I don't I'm thinking about weekends

in the like early 2000s bro I think I had the best life of all time. Because I would literally get up on Saturdays and watch one Saturday morning on ABC and ate cereal in the living room. And it sounds cliche, but like it was just Saturday morning TV. It was the number one thing in my life all week at school, scratching claw to get out of there. Bombing tests.

Failing this. getting embarrassed going up to the board trying to solve a math problem just terribly wrong answers what's wrong with his brain all to make it to Friday get ice cream after school

all to make it to Saturday watch one Saturday morning on TV sit criss cross applesauce on the ground and then go to the mall Sunday watch NFL football the whole day forget to do my science homework. Do it all over again next week.

That was so much fun. I swear everybody else was having fun too. My mom was having fun. Somehow. Early 2000's tight beat. Okay. I'm done singing to you. You can have your piece back.

No! What? You quit? Hey, if you don't want to be part of this, we don't need you. Skip. Love you, though. What up.

So what I wish I could have done was to become a DJ when I was, like, in college. And I had multiple opportunities to do so. And, you know, my parents were actually going to buy me, like, a $1,500 DJ set. And this is with me not having any, like, musical talent. at all. I didn't play an instrument. I didn't know how to DJ. It was just all based because I thought I knew about a lot of music. And like I knew how to play like music in my car and at parties. And I still do. But that's just making a playlist. But I also had an opportunity to work with a wedding DJ. And they wanted me be like, you know, a dancer with them. And then I was going to learn to be a DJ. And then I was going to learn to be a DJ. And then. I didn't take on any of that. And then I just went to go work at a pizzeria for like 10 years. So I mean, yeah, that was a career change.

And for anybody asking what I look like or want to see me, yeah, you can check out my Instagram. It's John C. Johnny Dew. Go ahead. Check me out. I'll say what's up. Add me, you know, because I'm the number one caller. on this podcast. Johnny C.

bro. Legend. Everybody, I think every guy has thought that every guy is like, I could be a DJ. Like every, like,

you can make fun of it all you want. You can make fun of DJs all you want. But like, every guy is like, I could be a D. Like literally a decision away. Every dude was a decision away from being a DJ.

And, Every dude thinks they could kill that too. Because I kind of think you can't. Like you're not reinventing anything. You're just playing other people's stuff. So like how can you, how can you be a bad DJ really? Like you've got to just not be able to like read the room or situation.

How do you, how are you a bad DJ? You can't be. Play the best songs. Like barely mix them and then that's it. It's kind of a no fail situation. situation. I thought about it, bro.

Made a couple mixtapes for my friends growing up on Limewire, thought I knew music, listen to music after school sometimes. DJ, like, played the music at a couple parties, played the music in football locker rooms growing up? I was like, I could be a DJ.

Also, same thing with comedy, though. How does anybody, like, get into that? I'm like, uh, I made stupid videos when I was a kid. I tweeted. Honestly, like Twitter made me do stand up. Because I would tweet all the time. And I was like, I might as well just like say this stuff on stage.

Like when all else fails, when all else fails, when all else fails, I could just say these tweets, honestly. If people like them on Twitter, like, it's kind of the same thing. But I had like workshop tweets before I went to bed. And I was like, oh, this is like, I guess this is like what writing. is. I'd do it like for hours. I'd have like all my Twitter drafts and just like make them better and add stuff to them and like see other tweets and be like, oh, that's, you know what I mean? That's a good idea. You know, you know? And like Facebook posts. Like I always was just trying to make it funny away messages on AIM every single time I had like a joke because I was like,

why wouldn't you say a joke here? Like when people, honestly, when people were on Facebook, when Facebook was popping in like 2010, like Wild West Facebook, where you're like updating your status like constantly? That was so insane. How crazy would you look today if you uploaded, updated your status on Facebook like every hour?

We were doing that in college. I would always say something funny or like, you know, like roast somebody or like, because I was like, who really cares what you're actually doing? I still think that. You know, some people, on their Facebook status would be like just went to lunch like about to take a nap I'd be like

who gives a fuck? Please say something entertaining for the love of God or try what? Tweets too. Oh my God. If you had a funny Twitter in 2012, I love you. Still do. I remember people's tweets from 2012 that were just crazy. One of my homies, dude, he tweeted just like one random things.

Thursday night. It's never, it's not even like this on Twitter anymore. I haven't even followed anybody on Twitter since like 2012. But people would just say stuff and it all be like, oh my God, all your friends would be tweeting me. It'd be funny, bro. People would say crazy. My friend was like, yo, my sister's farts are so bad she could clear out a mall. Dude. A mall. You just say what's on your mind, dude. Oh my God. I loved it. What you wish you could have done. I wish I would have been good at like vine honestly. I tried. I was so trash at vine. So bad, dude. One of my friends made fun of me one time. They're like, hey, you had some good vines last night finally. I was like, oh my God, I'm trash. Because I like wasn't doing it for the like people.

I was just like making vines for me and they like didn't make any sense. And they're all just like trash. Nothing made sense. Still doesn't. This is a key guy. It's two days. Days of the week. Thursday. Cheese curd day. Never in my life.

I swear cheese curd day is on here every other podcast. Nobody talks about cheese curds more than me and I don't even want to. I don't even know what they are. I've never had one. You couldn't pay me to order cheese curds just because of the name. I hate ugly words. I could bear, I,

I texted the word crotch yesterday. I almost deleted it from the conversation. I was like, I can't believe I said, I can't believe I sent that. Like, this is an ugly thing to order. You ever date somebody that like just does ugly stuff?

Like, not ugly like appearance, but like just like, God damn. And doesn't think any, like you, you just order cheese curds and you don't think anything of like saying,

Like, I'm like, yo, that's just like a gross word. Like, it's so gross. I, like, even if it was my favorite food, I would, I'd be like, I don't want it. Actually, it's not my favorite food anymore because I hate the word. Man, I dated this girl and she was so oblivious. I don't even know if we dated, but she was so oblivious to like every single thing that I was just like, oh my God. I am so embarrassed to be around you. You ever do that?

Like, she, like, okay, like, if I was like, If I was like in her apartment and she walked in, she would walk in and be like, hello? I feel like, something wrong with you? Who says that? Open up a door. Hello? Like, bro, are you fucking serious?

Like, yeah, no shit. I'm here. Nothing was, oh, like, oh, no. Never mind. Like, does your, does your, like, boyfriend or girlfriend ever do something? When you're just like, I can't even. I lost all respect for you.

Oh my God. I lost all respect for you. You said cheese curds? You like cheese? I got to go. I can't. Break up. You ever break up with somebody because they're just so stupid?

Oh, my God. I'll never forget. Girl in college. I thought I, like, liked her. I don't know. it was a weird thing but this girl could not spell

and it was so embarrassing I was like there's no way you're spelling like that texting me all the time spelling everything wrong I was like no way I think I said it to her because I had like no

filter in college I would like tell people stuff in college I think about now and I'm like I said that. I would be so, like, honest to a fault. I just thought, because I was like, wouldn't I just want to know the truth? I was saying stuff in college, bro.

But I think I asked her a couple times, like, damn, you don't know how to spell it at all? Like, I'd text her that. Like, will you spell that right? That's crazy. She'd be like, I'm just like, I don't care. I'm just, like, bad at spelling. I was like, oh my God.

I'm talking about she texts me six words four of them were spelled wrong I was like I cannot like imagine I cannot be associated with you she tried to spell something oh my God Texas Roadhouse or something I was like not even Texas was right

Texas is like everybody knows how to spell Texas Duh T-E-X-E-S I gotta flee the country, babe. Lose my number. You're so stupid. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Just insane. You think she's still a spell in Texas? Okay, Friday, Friday, Friday. Oh my God. National Sports Day.

Good Lord. I'm sick and tired. of people being like, I don't like sport. Like, I don't watch sport. I'm like, how did you miss out on that? What kind of family did you have where you don't like sports? When girls are like, I just don't,

I like can't get into it. I'm like, but it's everything. Like, it's everywhere. Like, it's every big story. Like, all the famous girls that you like are all dating the sports guys. Like, I'm like, how do you not get into? And when girls are like,

I don't, um, it's just like not, it's boring. I'm like, hold on. The Michigan head football coach last year cheated on his wife with like a student on the staff and then tried to kill her. Isn't that exactly what you like? Like you don't like sports. My ass.

That's like the most entertaining thing in the world. That story is insane. Like, wait. I don't like sports. They're boring. Head coach, cheats on wife with student at Michigan,

tries to kill her with scissors after and then covers the whole thing up. What? Tell me you're not interested in that. No, it's just boring to me. Dictionary Day, bro. I'm so glad those days are over. When you didn't know how to spell...

Oh my God. When you didn't know how to spell something, your mom was like, look it up! I was like, oh my God. forget it. I'd rather just get a point off for spelling it wrong. To look it up in this big Bible,

I was like, this is going to take 20 minutes to find this word. Even when I was a kid, I'm like, there's got to be a better way to do this. I have to look in this book to spell it right. I'm like, this is all backwards, man.

This is insane. I don't know how to spell anything anymore because of spell check. It just does it for you. I'm like, this is so embarrassing. I had like a Zoom call with this brand and there's a document on the screen and I'm like share the document's shared so all the people can see it.

And I'm like editing the document as they're watching me. And I'm spelling and I'm like talking to them and like doing like three things. I'm like talking to them trying to remember something and typing and like looking at that. Oh, I turned into a girl who couldn't. Oh. I turned into Texas girl. The thing Oh, I forget what word it was

I might look it up, hold up What did I? Hold on, hold on I gotta find this word Because it was like, I was like, I don't really want to spell that In front of everyone

I don't know where it is. God, it started with an A And it was so bad. Aspirational. Oh! Aspirational. I was like just fake,

typing. Everybody saw it. It's so funny. I was talking shit about that girl. And I'm the one who can't spell. Saturday. Pasta day. I'm over it.

Are people really still going to Italian restaurants and getting like spaghetti and shit? Is that like the first date you go on in your life? You get like Italian. Why is that like romance Italian? Just because like lady in the tramp or something? if I ever go on a date it's like the least romantic thing of all time I'm like please not spaghetti wine and steak

like anything but the movie stuff and you think about if you think about going on a date and going out to eat and like the things like a whole like a just like a date you know you go you take a girl out to a restaurant you eat all kinds of crap

drink all types of stuff, kind of stuff you never, ever eat or drink. And then after that, you're trying to, you're trying to get naked with her. Like, think about the logistics of that whole, nothing makes sense. I'm like, yo, if we're, if this is really going down, like, if I'm about to get like lucky, this is not the way, this is not like the way to go beforehand. Yeah, I'm going to eat a bunch of pot. pasta, bacon wrap steak.

Then I'm gonna try to put it on a performance about a... I need a bunch of pasta, bacon wrap steak, drink a bunch, probably get ice cream, and then I'm gonna put on a performance of a lifetime naked. Like, dude, no, you're not, dog. Good luck! We should be eating rice and water and running in like, stretching if we're really about to do this. We got it all wrong.

Yeah, dairy, pasta, and I'm going to spend the night. The noises that are going to come out of me. And I've thought this all my life. This isn't like an old person that is, but this isn't just like a new like revolution or anything that I just thought of. even when I was like when I was like in high school I was like I'm about to hang out with this girl but I'm about to eat all this crap all day

and then like try to like kit like what my breath? What am I doing? What are we doing? Sunday. Chocolate cupcake day. No beard day. Hey, shave it all? Should I?

I'll do it. Always always one decision away. One, I'm one minor inconvenience away. Shave in my whole face. It's like a girl with bangs, this right here. Uh-huh. Something doesn't go right. And you see me the clean army face?

Just know. Had a mentee be. Had a menty B. Got out the mock three. Right here. I used to shave my face every second, bro. Gillette, the best man can get. Just because like NFL commercials, I swear.

Dude, those, one time I was shaving my face. Oh, God, I'll never be. I always shaved when I was on F.Y. Island, like, in the mirror, like, and these black dudes were like, okay, is this a Gillette commercial? Because you know the guy in every Gillette commercial would just have shaving cream all over his face? Like, it was always a white guy, towel on his waist, and would be like, dude, the Gillette commercials with the razors,

they would shave their faces so, fast and hard. I was like, is that how you're supposed to do it? Remember that? Jolette commercials. They have shaving cream all over their face, take a Gillette razor. Like, it was so fast, cleanest shave line. I'd be like, damn, okay, all right, no razor burn? His face after, all wet, wet neck. His girl would be like, honey. I was like, y'all, I'm going to get some of those. I don't know about you. I'm going with Gillette.

That was a masterpiece. The wettest face. Squarespace jaw. Dude. His girl all up on him after pecks. I was like, this is kind of hot. All right. Well, let's go Colts.

The game comes on after you're like, Whoops. All right. Let's do Coach Pee Court of the Week. What do we got, Coach? Here's a... Who's sadder? Question Mark.

This isn't motivational. This is my dad just like throwing me a oop. Who's sadder? The person who has to round up the shopping carts in the parking lot? Or the person stuck with wiping down the benches at the end of the night at the gym. Yeah. I didn't realize that to the other day when I was at Walmart and the guy corralling all the carts was just like, he even had the automatic

thing going, you know? They have like a, they have like an engine for all that big line of carts that just like takes them in and he was just like, and I looked at him and I was like, hey, yeah, yeah, that sucks. I know, that's one thing I never did was, work at a grocery store and I always kind of wanted to. It doesn't seem too bad, but you know it is. Like those guys working like in the butcher section, I'm always like, how'd you get that job? You just, you don't work up to being in like the meat department at a grocery store. I feel like that's like a special thing.

You have to like, you have to be born to work back there. The guys that chop up all the ground turkey and all that ground. Chuck, slice the meat. I'm like, this is something that you had a dream of doing in high school and now this is it. Like, you don't just like, hey, I used to be a bag boy. Then I was a cashier. Now, yeah. Promoted to deli.

No, dude. That was like, when you were a kid, you were like, you were thinking about lunch meat. We were playing basketball. Three, two. what? Pretend we were Michael Jordan. You're just like, one day I'm going to be Oscar Meyer.

You just watch. Looking at the salami, like, hmm, yeah. Uh-huh. Looking at the thinly sliced ham. I can get it thinner. You got your first weenie whistle boy.

Ooh, that was your, that was your holographic Michael Jordan card. one day. All right. Hold up. Let's see. Coach P.

Here we go. My taxes are doing like two minutes and my dad's been on my ass about it and I have no idea what to do. He just text me about that. It's true, man. My dad always told me this stuff growing up and now I'm like really like he was right.

I always thought he was right, but I didn't really know what he meant. I was like, yeah, he's right. I don't really know what that word means. he'd always be like man like if I was like complaining or in a bad mood he'd look at me and just be like you got a bad attitude man you got a bad attitude and I'd be like yeah yeah like ain't nothing nothing uh I'm not doing anything to help this situation and the situation probably wasn't even that bad I just had a bad attitude bro my dad would be like call me out and be like

what's wrong with you switch your attitude and I'd be like like I'd be mad, you know, because I'd be like, he's calling me out. But I'm like, God damn, he's right. You know, you know when somebody's so right, you get mad, man, that, that feeling, you just got to, you just got to drop your ego. And sometimes when like, before basketball games and this would make me mad too when when I was a kid, like, I wasn't like feeling it. Maybe just like, I was like, and my dad look at me and be like, yo, can you like,

can we get it going? Can you have some enthusiasm about this? And sometimes it wasn't even like me playing a basketball game. It'd just be like me about to do some homework or like, you know, just like something, something that wasn't cool. He'd be like, just get hype about it. And like, it'll be way easier and better if you're like in it, like get hype. And I'd be like, oh, yeah.

Yeah. In the moment, I'd be like, what the hell is you talking about? I don't want to do this at all. But then I'd like start to. All right. All right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Let me get. Let me get. let me get hype for this long division real quick or like going to church or something he'd be like yeah it sucks but like just have a good attitude don't be an idiot and then we'll like get donuts

after come on you're right all right this is what he said strong men will succeed at anything they pursue with unlimited enthusiasm God it's true

you really don't have to like be all that. You really don't have to have all the talent. You really don't at all. You just have to have a good attitude and be hype. And like do the little things every day. It's really that simple. And it's like it's, yeah, I know.

It sounds easy. Everything sounds easy. But if you just break it down, have a good attitude, you idiot. Like honestly, if you're ever in a bad mood, it's so your fault. It's so funny.

It's actually embarrassing. If I'm in a bad mood, I'm like, this is so embarrassing, bro. I did it all to myself. All about your attitude. Have some enthusiasm. Well, yeah, you're having a bad time and a bad day. It's because you're moping around.

Let's go. How embarrassing is it to be like, oh, this sucks. Like, okay. make it better you can do anything and you just got to do it every day you got to be disciplined

you got to do it every day that's the hard that's literally the hardest part I remember this dude came up to me in the gym not too long I'll shut up in a second this dude came up to me and Jim in the LA Fitness

he came up to me and you could like tell like he was new you know when you go to the same gym for like ever and like you just know when there's a new person in there you know you're like

I haven't seen him before he was like next to me kind of like kind of having a bad attitude about like you could tell he just didn't want to be there and I was like I was like going in like I didn't want to be there either but I was just like in it and he was like so how do how do you get like that and I was like you just got to do it every day and he was like every day and I was like every day he goes that's the thing and I was like you got to do it every day or else what or else you don't do it and then you don't look like you don't look good and he was like you're right every day And it sounds easy to say every day, but it's not every day.

It's hard. Just got to do it. I don't know what I'm talking about anymore, but yeah. All right, fam. Love you for real. I don't know if anything I said made sense, but, hey, you know what I'm saying, right? Oh my God, I'm going to listen. Hey, a lot of good music references on this podcast.

I can't wait to listen to these songs. Sometimes goodbye is. a second chance. Love you guys for real. See you next week. Ha ha ha.