Espresso - things you pretended to like for your bf/gf

Episode Date: April 20, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to the things you pretended to like for your bf/gf (like his yellow front teeth)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗘𝗗𝗜𝗖𝗧'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 ��𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Tampa, FL Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_ImprovBoston, MA Thurs 5/4https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBostonSupport Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Yo, I dated a horse girl one time and so I just had to pretend that I was like really into horses. Oh, I don't give a shit about horses. Who does? We're just a couple motherfucking piss girls. All these girls do is piss. We're just a couple piss girls peepee girls are our names we're just a couple piss girls hey upcoming stand-up comedy shows tampa florida see you next thursday one week from today at the tampa improv get your tickets in the description of this podcast and boston the week after that two weeks

at laugh boston in massachusetts get your tickies they're going fast and i can't wait to see you it's shot 259 and i'm your waitress benedict palizzi what would you guys like? Waters all around? Let's go, man. Join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode. Every single week, we do live streams every Sunday night, and they're getting a little frisky. The Ask Me Anythings are getting to be like, oh, shit, yeah.

But it's a fun little club over there. You guys should join. Seriously, we talk shit. It's all tea, shit. Yeah. But it's a fun little club over there. You guys should join. Seriously, we talk shit. It's all T, girl. PPT. And yeah, let's go, man. Today is, how many times can I say let's go? Should I say it again? Should I say it four more times? Let's go. Dude, let's go. Let's go. on this podcast we're gonna figure out the things that you pretended to like for your girlfriend or boyfriend for me um everything no i'm not like too bad with that shit because like walking into a relationship i know i'm gonna hate everything so i'm like okay expectations aren't high i know what i'm getting into i'm probably gonna hate it so you just gotta do you just gotta roll with the punches big dog but you know some girls really do like being with their families too much and shit and i hate that honestly my aunt's thing i'm like dude what i don't give a shit about your aunt hey here's a here's a big tip for all you relationship cats out there since the single divorce guy is uh equipped to give you

advice um no one likes no one neither you or your girlfriend doesn't like anyone in your family. And your boyfriend doesn't like anyone in your family. Maybe your dad. It's kind of a little, I mean, cause you know, just sorry. But yeah. Uh uh things i pretended to like uh everything about uh anyone else's family i was like oh god ah oh i don't know if i want to go to that nobody really wants to go to anybody else's christmas right i can't be the only one thinking this right gotta go to my mom's for christmas i'm like oh does she even want us there like she doesn't really care too much for me right nobody wants to do that that's facts going to your going to somebody's weird grandma's house for christmas grandma doesn't even know who the hell you

are. Nobody wants to do that. Pretend to like that for sure. For sure. What did I say? Oh yeah. What did I pretend to like? Creme brulee. It's not that bad. Girl I dated got it every single time. And I was like, yeah, let's get it. I love like yeah let's get it I love that I would say that for sure I would be lying don't love it and but I'm kind of a basic dessert guy at the same time like I'll get the brownie with ice cream I'll get that that's me that's my shit the brownie with ice cream at every single restaurant ever is what I think about before I go to bed it's what I think about every time I'm hungry it's just it's what I it's it's like what I draw about before I go to bed. It's what I think about every time I'm hungry. It's just, it's what I, it's like what I draw when I'm bored in school

is a brownie with ice cream on it. And if you think I'm getting creme brulee over that bad bitch, you're wrong. But if I'm dating you, you're right. I'm getting creme brulee. And we're kissing after. And I'm doing everything you're doing. I'm getting creme brulee. And we're kissing after. And I'm doing everything you're doing. I'm kind of one of those guys that just is like,

yeah, I'm down when I'm in a relationship. But deep down inside, I'm like, fuck, I don't want to do that at all. And I think that goes, everybody can say that, right? You don't really want to do anything. When I'm in a relationship, I'm like, I don't want to do shit. Go canoeing? No, I don't want to go canoeing. I don't need to go canoeing more than once ever.

Goes canoeing once. That's it. Done. I don't need to do anything like that twice. I'm good, man. Literally even swimming in a pool. I'm like, I mean, 15 like i'm kind of i'm kind of good off that swimming all the time dated a girl all she always want to go swimming in the summer i was like damn are you six i just get swimming bro i just i'm good on swim. Like what? No, not really. Like I did it my whole life when, when I was a kid, I'm good. I only need to go swimming till I'm 15. After 15, I have no desire to go swimming. I'm like, I'd rather, I'd rather honestly just lay by the pool and try to get a tan. That's the goal is to get a tan. Everything I'm doing ever is to get a tan. is to get a tan. Everything I'm doing ever is to get a tan.

My jobs in the summer and shit like that would be to get a tan. I'm going to paint houses this summer. Why? Because it's kind of easy, I think, and I'll get a tan. Swimming? No, I'm good. Canoeing? I'm cool off that. Concerts and stuff? at concerts and stuff. Who do I really want to see? Maybe that's just a me thing. I don't really like doing shit, but let's hear it from you. What's the thing you pretended to like for your girlfriend or boyfriend

or the thing you lied about to your girlfriend or boyfriend so you wouldn't hurt their feelings? Let's go. So I recently dated this one guy and everything about him was perfect. Besides the fact that his front teeth were crooked and a little bit yellow. And I just can't deal with that. I'm too much of a perfectionist, and dental hygiene is important to me.

And so the whole time we dated, I never let him kiss me. Like, he would eat my ass and everything and do all of that, but I never let him kiss me. And I didn't have the heart to tell him why. So... But you just were going out with them and shit like you you would be seen with yellow yellow spaced out tooth guy but you weren't damn man it is hard to tell somebody some shit too you know like deep in a relationship you want

to be like hey that one tooth he gots a lot longer than the other one and i'm not gonna lie if we break up that's the reason why reasons you actually that's next week's topic reasons you actually broke up with someone not what you you made up so so it was all okay your mental health or something like that not Not that. Why'd you really break up with him? Teeth were too yellow. Couldn't tell him. Had to blame it on something else. Had to blame it on my career choice. That's wild. I don't think, how did he get you get you you know somebody with real yellow spaced out teeth how'd they hook you in the first place he must have had some mad game he must have been eating he must have been eating booty like groceries if if you're dating him and he has teeth like that you ever like subliminally like slip him some crest white strips instead of like rose petals

going to your bed it's just a bunch of crest white strips going to the bathroom you're like isn't it cute now put those on seven times a week and get some braces you piece of shit no you can't kiss me go away damn never kissed him he had to be like why won can't kiss me. Go away. Damn. Never kissed him. He had to be like, why won't she kiss me? I would have to ask dating a girl and she doesn't kiss you. I'd be like, so what's going on with that? Nah, I would, I would literally, I probably would never ask to be honest. I'd be like, oh, okay. She doesn't like being kissed. Okay. Bye. Would never question it again. She left too. and kiss okay bye would never question it again she left too here's the second one not gonna work golf yeah i had to pretend to like golf yo i pretend to like golf i have nothing for god i i am still pretending to like it even when guys

talk about it i'm like i'll never know what a bogey is i just won't i'll never know and i'm proud to say that i'll never know i guess but i i on the other on the other, on the other end, I do a lot of things that nobody wants to hear about either. So I get it. But doesn't every guy, it just feels like the guys that are really into golf don't know that no one else cares about golf. Like, are they doing it on purpose because we don't care about golf or do they just get brainwashed by golf and they're like this is the best thing ever it's like it's not even as bad as like hunting people who hunt they're kind of like

besides putting deer's heads on the walls on the inside of their houses they're kind of low-key about it they don't really talk about it you You know, they're wearing camouflage. They're like trying to, you know, they're low key. They're trying to blend in. But golfers are like, let's wear some neon fucking pants. Let's wear a big stupid hat that says ping on the front. Where'd you get your clubs? It's their whole personality. Don't they know? They have to know because before every guy started playing golf, he also hated golf. You don't remember that part of your life? Nobody likes golf except for the guys who golf. That's the golden rule. They should teach you that first day of school. And remember, if you don't listen to anything else I say in history, nobody likes golf unless you like golf.

Yeah, that's, that's a tough one. Golf, dude. I think every, that's like part of a girl's dna though like you you gotta pretend to like football and you gotta pretend like golf and you really don't have to i love when a girl's like nah fuck football i'm like yeah for real yeah good what did i hate that girls do all the time um i'm kind of a girly bitch so i'm kind of with it a little bit like i'm kind of a girly bitch, so I'm kind of with it a little bit. Like I'm kind of with some girly shit. Wineries. I'm good on that too. That's like it's so much. Oh, casinos, dude. Oh, oh my God. Girls love going to casinos. I don't give a fuck about casinos.

Girls love going to casinos. I don't give a fuck about casinos. Okay, yeah, we're going to a wine. Dude, if a girl could pick her best day ever, a winery than a casino. Name two more exhausting things ever. And then maybe going out that night too. That's a girl's favorite day.

Brunch, wine, casino, going out. Wow! Casinos kill me right when you walk in. I feel like I just got hit with mustard gas when I walk into casino. Oh, I'm starting to see stars. There's like blood creeping into my eye. I get tunnel vision when I walk in a casino. It's all old people hooked up to ventilators. I'm like, uh, don't want to be here because of that. I don't know how to play anything. One, because I don't know. Once I anything one because i don't know once i see

numbers i'm like i'm good good off that everybody's so ugly at casinos is it just me i've never seen an attractive person in a casino. I hate to sound like the fucking, this guy right now, this douchey guy, but have you ever seen someone in a casino that you're like, oh wow, they look great. No, you're like that person is hurting for money. They need like some support. They're in here because they're throwing a Hail Mary for their life. That's all a casino is. And why do girls want to go so bad?

I'm like, this is where you want to be? This big fucking convention center of a place with all these. Ew. Have you seen the bartenders at casinos? I'm like... Can't talk to them. When people say they work at casinos, I'm like, how? You go there every day?

Casinos and airports. People who work there, bless your souls, because I don't know how you do it, man. Oh, hey, if I ever go up to you and say, I think I'm going to apply for a job at the airport. Take out a nine millimeter pistol, put it to my back. And hopefully I'm like, oh, sorry. Nevermind. Nevermind. Nevermind. I don't know. I don't know what got into me. I don't know what got into me. Always carry a gun around me. If I say that, rip my earlobes off. If I say I'm going to work at an airport, I'm thinking about working at the, ah, nevermind. Nevermind. Put them back on, sell them back on. I get it, I get it. Just keep going.

When your boyfriend's really into hunting but is indecisive about the location of his taxidermy, so you go to bed one night and a deer heads on one wall and you wake up the next day, deer heads on another wall and you might have a goose next to your desk. I'm all for the aesthetic and respect the sport, but it can be alarming and frightening at times.

That's what taxidermy is? That's what taxidermy is? I thought taxidermy was like a bank thing. Taxidermy was like a bank thing. They could not have chosen a different word for putting deer heads on a wall. Taxidermy? The word for putting a deer head on a wall should be like bucking.

Just put my buck up. Some shit like that. Taxidermy? Now that all of a sudden they're trying to make hunting sound like smart. Well, I just got done with my taxidermy now that all of a sudden they're trying to make hunting sound like smart well yeah i just got done with my taxidermy if someone said that to me i'd be like oh he's an accountant no i just put my fucking deer head on the wall what the taxidermy i always thought that was some shit i was gonna have to learn in a business class

economics class what'd you learn today taxidermy makes sense I always thought that was some shit I was going to have to learn in a business class. Economics class. What'd you learn today? Taxidermy. Makes sense. That's what taxidermy is. Give me a break, honey. Be yourself, taxidermy.

Holy hell. Rebrand. Time for a new word. God, I wish you could just, I wish you could just vote to change a word, you know? But yeah, that, that is very, that's a lot. Dating someone that puts a bunch of like animals all over the apartment. Oh, you better love them. Props to some of you guys for getting married. I don't know how you do that shit. love them. Props to some of you guys for getting married. I don't know how you do that shit. You love somebody that much that you'll let them put deer heads on the wall, bro. You got it. They better provide you with some great mental and physical stability because there is no way in hell

I would like somebody that much to let them put a deer head on the wall. If somebody I loved put a deer head on the wall, I'd look at them and smack them in the face and go, what are you doing? A deer head? Maybe that's because I grew up with a mom that brainwashed me for interior design. Literally the most money I've ever had in my life. The first thing I did was redesign the inside of my apartment. Didn't buy like a like a nothing cool, nothing cool. First thing I did

got new furniture and new light pictures. Oh, my God. Oh, wow. That is so funny. Oh, there's... I'm all for the aesthetic and respect the sport, but it can be alarming and frightening at times. Yeah, that's insane, man.

If I was robbing someone's house and I walked in the door and there were a bunch of dead animals everywhere, I'd be like, go to your neighbors. Yeah. Actually, this reminds me. A girl I used to date, she said she wanted a snake. And I was like like i don't know if that's i don't really know if i can like if i can okay that one i know you don't care and

you got it but like for me it was a do you boo boo moment and when someone says to you do you boo boo that means i can't, I can't, I'm not with you on this one, but like, I'm not gonna tell you what to do. I disagree with your decision, but I'm not going to tell you what to do. That's do you boo-boo. In a do you boo-boo, like if I had one of those, one of those belts from like 2014 that like said stuff on them electronically electronically across the front of them. Remember those? They said like, Zach, Zach, Zach. And you got them from like, you got them from like

a hot topic, Zach, or I'm with stupid. I'm with mine would say, do you boo boo for the rest of my life and I'd wear that belt every day. A snake, dude, for what? I'd buy a snake. Like if I had a mouse problem in my apartment, not even then what's going on, dude, something I pretended to like are board games for my girlfriend, but it's literally in the fucking name. It's boring. It's, it just leaves you bored. Like who wants to play a fucking board game? I love it.

I love it. Tell them all this shit is weird. And you're right about all this stuff. No one is wrong yet. It's the other people's fault. Not ours. This pod knows more than anyone that it's the other people's fault.

We're the normal ones. We are. We're the normal people. No one likes board games. You go to a party, that's why I'm at the party is to not think my favorite thing to do ever is to just sit there and talk it happens at every party bro every party you're sitting there you're chilling the music's on a perfect volume you know i'm talking about sometimes it's

too high and you're like god damn all right now sometimes it's too high and you're like, God damn, all right now. Sometimes it's too low and you're like, let's just get it going, but not that much. You know, set the tone. You're talking to somebody, the convo's getting good. You're clicking with somebody, maybe two people. Everybody's making each other laugh, saying funny shit. People know how to be good. Like the party's hitting. shit. People know how to be good. Like the party's hitting. Everybody's the right drunk. Nobody's too drunk. Nobody's not. And I'm not drinking tonight. Everybody's the right drunk. There's good food. There's a good charcuterie board. You know, people are snacking and shit. The apartment you're at is clean. It's nice. Maybe there's a cat and you're like, Oh, I like your cat. Your cat looks cool. Everybody's in a good mood. Then always somebody randomly just pops out.

It's always a girl. And she's like, let's play a game. And you're like, Oh fuck. And you look at the people you're talking to and they go, and nobody really says anything. Nobody really says says anything but the girl who asked or the girl who said it let's play again her friend goes fuck yeah let's do it then one by one you just got to join and the next thing you know you're learning the game of Uno. At a party where you're only, the only thing you wanted to do was nothing. Now you're following instructions. It just makes no sense to me. Playing games, things no sense to me. Playing games.

Things you pretend to like. I got one job at this party and it's to do nothing and think of nothing. Now I'm learning. Happens every time. And every time I start playing a game at a party, it always goes the same way. Someone ends up playing for me.

Someone ends up doing two card flips because I'm like, I'm not, dude, this is not what I want to do. No, you got to, no. When it's your, no. Did you not listen to the instructions? No! Because I don't want to learn right now.

I learned all fucking week. And now it's this? Can you play for me? Do you want to play twice no or you just fake a phone call that's what i'm doing next time who wants to play a game oh i gotta take this and i'm gone you won't see me till 2 a.m and when i come back i'm gonna have taco bell oh i was having fun well you guys were learning and losing and getting mad and fighting over reverse Uno cards and shit. Crazy to me, dude. Crazy to me.

I will never play a game. Count me out. Please. It's the least. I just can't. There's no, I don't know. I don't know. I hope I'm not being difficult.

Even like a flip cup and shit. I'm like, I don't want to I don't know. I hope I'm not being difficult. Even like a flip cup and shit. I'm like, I don't want to do it. I just want to sit here. Guys love just sitting there, man. And girls do love, there's nothing girls like more than like some, like, let's do this, this, this, this, and that. And guys are just like, man, I just don't even want to think for once. Let's keep going.

I just don't even want to think for once let's keep going I pretended to like skating for my boyfriend um but it was hard and I'm never doing that again so don't have to worry about that ever happening again oh dude that's a tough one I wouldn't mind that because that's like a skateboarding is kind of cool like if people can skateboard i'm like yo that's that's crazy you ever stepped on a skateboard life flashes before your eyes i cannot skateboard for anything my both my acls would tear immediately if i tried to skateboard but it's somebody that can just hop on a skateboard and do like a kickflip and like kind of like work that shit i got mad respect for them grinding on stuff just casually like they skateboard every day somebody that can drop a board and go down a ramp and like go back up the other way i'm like you are so cool

what'd you do live in california for 14 years how do you know how to do that you craftsman okay tony hawk all right johnny knoxville what a dope ass name though hey how hot and cool is johnny knoxville i feel like that doesn't get talked about enough johnny knoxville that name and his like whole thing he was like funny he was doing pranks he had the the first guy to wear aviators and his name was johnny knoxville yo he was cool as fuck it was he was cool he could skate people that can just low-key skate are so cool to me he was a motherfucking skater boy she said see you later boy he wasn't good enough for

he was a skater boy he wish he was a he wishes he was a skater boy he wasn't so he said see you later boy he's terrified every time he turns the skate let's keep going i love you milky boy well yep milk throat is back um so one thing aligned to the to the then boo at the time about was just really the whole relationship. You know, hate her family, hate her friend. Thank you. But,

Brussels sprouts. This broad, for whatever reason, thought Brussels sprouts were the second coming. She thought they were the best thing ever. Now, don't get me wrong. You know, you get a little Brussels action with some friggin' Parmesan crusted on there. Not bad. Not bad. But I'm not trying to have Parmesan crusted Brussels sprout farts for a me wrong, you know, you got a little Brussels action with some friggin' Parmesan crusted on there, not bad, not bad. But I'm not trying to have Parmesan crusted Brussels sprout farts for a week straight, you know. So, yeah, I had to lie to her and tell her, yeah, Brussels sprouts are just, they're great, you know, they're pretty good.

Because every Tuesday and every Friday, that's what we were eating. And, you know, that's just, yeah, it was not a good relationship to be in so i brussels sprouted my happy ass on our app that's about it my man i love milky boy milky boy bro dude milky boys milky boys climbing the charts man it's a good job it's a good voice message right there. Great story. Sounded like he was in a fucking airplane hangar, but we'll give it to him. And yeah, I think I was your girlfriend

because I love Brussels sprouts. I have had a bad batch though. I did. I like, I went to Whole Foods and I bought like the family size Brussels sprouts because I thought I loved them that much. You ever do that? You ever think you love something that much and you buy too much of it and then you're like, I absolutely can't stand this food anymore. That's me. That's the only reason I stop eating things is because like,

if I really like a food, I'll eat it so much that I get actually physically sick. And then I'm like, okay, I guess I don't like it anymore. That's the only way I get over a food. Yeah, and had to cook 65 Brussels sprouts and eat them all myself to figure that out. There's a little more for Milky Boy. Also, if I sat out of breath, I'm going to level with you. Just finished doing some cardio. also if i sat out of breath i'm gonna level with you just finished doing some cardio yeah what i mean by cardio is i loaded like 4 12 packs of water and i'm out of breath

so don't judge or do you know leave that up to the audience to decide but it is what it is man and yeah i'm in the car again so wind tunnel vibes you know dude what a guy just what a guy man just putting a bow tie on the end of that voice message. Didn't think it could get any better. Did. Wow, Brussels sprouts. Ooh, that's a tough one. That is a tough one.

Brussels sprouts, asparagus. Bitches love asparagus. I don't like it that much. What else did I not like? This sounds harsh, but like being with them all the time. That is taxing. That's every relationship ever is being with the girl all the time. I'm like, damn.

Every time? Jesus Christ. It's always on the best days too I'm like give me a day off can I take a sick day Jesus that's insane that that's a thing I need to grow the fuck up or something or does everyone think that every time i'm like every day bro oh man that's why every time i get out of a relationship i'm like time to be normal again all right oh oh okay so i got one and i'm pretty sure on behalf of all women i think we have all probably or most definitely lied to their significant other about their penis is big and good enough and they did make us come sorry guys Your girls have been lying to you. Maybe not all of y'all. But definitely.

Definitely some, most, or at least one time in your life. Also, I lied to two different boyfriends saying that I liked their dog. It's not that I don't like dogs. I love dogs. I have two. But their dogs sucked. They're awful. But I had to lie to them. I had to lie to them saying But their dogs sucked They're awful But I had to lie to them

Saying that their dogs were good They weren't Damn the dick thing You know Cause guys have no idea If they have a good one or not They don't they'll never know Cause who's really being honest with them

You can't ask your boys hey what do you guys think honestly just pull your pants down in front of eight of your friends what would you like would you say i have a good dick or no what do you guys think like rated out of 10 even they're gonna lie your dick's tiny dog no i don't think it's that bad i don't really think i think you're going a little too far you know there's you just they're not gonna even a girl she's definitely not telling you the truth bro and even if she does you're still like how do i know that you're telling the truth i don't know what you've been through i don't know your good or bad dick experience what if they don't even know it's just a big guessing game bro you're just walking around with a question mark below the belt who knows

nobody knows i don't know if you're faking orgasms and stuff though like i don't know if i could you really do that i would just straight say it. Like, you're just going to keep faking those? That seems so, like, that seems like more effort than actually just telling them that they suck and fixing it. I just have to keep faking them. Like, bro, own up. Live your truth.

Tell them. Tell them what he's doing wrong. You're just doing it over and over. Jesus Christ. Yeah, dogs. I hate. Oh, I dated a girl and she had like 15 animals in her house. Like three cats.

And I was like. Like there's no way you actually like them. There's no way. Three cats? Can't stand it. One maybe. Three cats is like a lot of like, it's like you're gonna get allergies.

And even they kind of don't even like the cats and you're like so why'd you why'd you get them did you get did you like find them i get it if you found them but if you're just buying cats like every year what who run the world definitely motherfucking cats and if you don't think so you're wrong yeah i really hate plants um my girlfriend i'll just have some hanging up on the front porch or have a garden in the back patio she'll wake me up super early whenever one of them blossom or some random pepper tomato pops out of the garden it's just it's kind of ridiculous um but i make sure i get super hype when she shows me but deep down inside i just don't see how plants are exciting they kind of suck dude i love i love an honest ass voice that

was so honest bro actually i don't care if it's like if you got background noise going on i don't care man just if you leave them leave them, leave them. I want, I want it. I want them raw. If you're in an airplane hangar, that's cool. Just leave them. This guy sounded like he was at, uh, like, uh, like a soccer bar in Germany when the world cup was on. It's cool. Just leave them, hey but plants are like plants are like hey slow down slow down on the plants it's like you can't just have two plants bitches love plants they're great they're they they do set it off they do set you they they pop off in your apartment it's natural it's great but damn do you have to have 63

and watering those things is like that's a detention that's a detention chore there's no way every time you have to water your plants, you're like, yes. No. Deep down, you're like, God. And you always forget and they always die. And some of them are like $64 and stuff like that. Plants, you can't just have two or three.

68 or none. I have plants in my apartment. Are they all fake? Yes. I do buy flowers every now and then because they look fucking good. And I put them right in the middle of my kitchen and goddamn, they look good.

But do they die in three days? Yeah. I don't know. How do you keep flowers alive? It's impossible. Two days later, if I sneeze sneeze they all they just disintegrate

but they do look good for those two days man they look good is it worth the twenty dollars probably not but i do it every single time fill them up with water and forget they exist plants bro oh my god look oh my god girls do get excited about like the the little cute things and guys are like damn damn don't care damn all right here we go do it would i get excited about a little mini roma tomato though maybe i feel like any changes to facial hair or haircuts this is anything like that should be a relationship decision and not just a solo decision. Yeah. Because it is really painful when you get with a guy and he has such a zaddy beard. And then he shaves it and you go to his house the next day

or you have date night and this bare-faced little baby bear looking at you and you don't know who that man is. And he tried to kiss you and you just feel baby face. And that's not OK. Or if he has long hair when y'all get together and then he got a buzz cut. Like, what is that? Are you joining the military? Like, if you want to serve our country, you know, we can get it in one last time.

But you are no longer my man. You know, if the police ask me, like, man, what does he look like? Officer, I do not know anymore. I do not know, officer. police ask me like, man, what does he look like? Officer, I do not know anymore. I do not know, officer. I do not know. He's a sergeant now. He's a vet. He's in Iraq, sir.

I have no idea what he looks like. Because he shaved his face and cut his hair all the way down. That is a relationship. That's super. Hey, if you're in a relationship and the girl or guy makes a big hair change or beard change without letting you know, you're getting broken up with like in three weeks. That's your two weeks notice. Your girl walks out of the bathroom with some DIY bangs all of a sudden.

She just put her two weeks notice into your relationship. Yep. Those are the tornado sirens going off in your relationship. Oh, hey, I dyed my hair red all of a sudden. Didn't tell you about it for a second. Didn't even bring it up. Didn't even mention it. Those are the tornado sirens, babe. Grab your hoodies and find a ditch because it's over. Oh, man. Yep. That's your two weeks notice. She cuts her bangs. Guess what? Guess what, Bubba? You're single again You're back on the prowl You thought it was perfect I don't know how She has bangs again

Her hair is purple Now you're single Wow. Yeah, pretty much dudes do now guys don't do that girls do that that's a girl thing only i hate to be so pro guy on this podcast but it is a lot of girl shit guys will always be like yo babe you think I should cut my hair? I asked that to girls. I'm not even dating before I get a haircut. I asked probably six girls. I'm like, yo, what if I cut my hair? Is it going to be fucked up? And they're like, no, you need a haircut. And I'm like, oh yeah, you're right. I don't trust myself for anything when it comes to like haircuts, beer. I'm like,

what do I, do I look weird? I don't know what I look like. I can't take like, I like, it is my biggest fear to take a picture of myself and post it. I have no idea if it's a good picture. It could be the best picture of all time. I'd be like, no clue. It could be the worst. Actually. I like all the pictures of myself that are completely disgusting. And I'm like, what do you think about this? And they're like, dude, that picture is this. You look, you don't even look like you. I like oh shit i liked it never mind don't know no clue i don't know how somebody can be like i love that picture of me how the fuck do you even know let's keep going so i told my ex-boyfriend that he wasn't balding, but that's one of those things where it's like,

anyone that looks at you knows that you are in fact balding. So I thought I was doing the nice thing, but now I think it just kind of looks like I was delusional or just straight up lying. Like that's not something you can really lie about, you know? Yeah. How did he believe you? He must have loved you. If I was going bald in my... I don't like people that are lying like that.

Just tell them. And to make it worse, I got this leave-in coconut, I don't know, hair mask thing. And I was like, this is, this helps make hair grow back. I hear, like, I use it on my head, whatever. So he's rubbing this coconut mask on his balding spots. And, like, he's thinking it's going to make his hair. I'm like, yeah, yeah, babe, it's working for sure. Like, I see the little hairs growing.

No, no, you devil. Not that you didn't lie to him about his hair growing back. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That's some that's some straight up satanic behavior, ma'am. Yeah, it's growing back. It's getting better. And it's not.

It's getting worse. And you're saying that to him. Oh my God. I feel bad for that guy. If your guy's going bald, just, you know what? Just tell him to talk to me, what just tell him to talk to me honestly tell him to talk to me i will set him straight don't lie to your man about him going bald that is not cool bro because that's really all a guy like kind of has is his hair you get

what you get with your face it's just like you know how am going to make this better? You just, it's just, it is what it is. Hair is like, fuck. Hair and teeth. That's all we got really. Hair and teeth. Oh, that sucks. Last one. Yo, I dated a horse girl one time and so i just had to pretend that i was like really into horses oh bro i don't give a shit about horses

who does who cares man girls that like horses that much. I'm like, what happened one day? What happened? How do you just like something that much that it becomes who you are and what you stand for? Dude, all horse girls' pictures on their phone, like Instagram, are just all them on a horse. And I'm like, can't relate at all. I don't give a shit about horses. That is such a funny thing.

I don't give a shit about horses. I want to get a tattoo that says that. I don't give a shit about horses. Who asked? No one. I'm just letting you know. I don't give a shit about horses. I could not even pretend for a second like don't girls know that

that ride horses a lot though like hey guess what it's just like guys who golf not everybody cares about that as much as you do just remember that not everybody cares about the thing you like as much as you do. Maybe not even

1%. People that do CrossFit, that's where it all started. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. Nobody cares. You look good. Nobody cares. People that work out. Hey, hate to break it to you, man. I know it's working wonders for you, but guess what? We hate working out. We do. And when you talk about it,

makes us want to kill you. Just saying. Horse girls, that picture you posted of you on a stallion made me unfollow you on Instagram because I can't stand it. And I can't even stand how much you like it. Hey, guys at golf, hate to break it to you,

guys that golf hate to break it to you but there's a lot of people out there that want to slice your head off for talking about golf it's just what it is babe it's just what it is all right yo that's crazy good pod great voice messages voice message gang was on their shit. Thank you guys so much. I love you. Come to the shows. Tampa this Thursday. Boston next Thursday.

We're partying. More dates to come. Get some merch. Benedictmerch.com. Join the Patreon. Live stream every Sunday and an extra episode every single week. Talk to you guys next time. Love you.

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