Espresso - things you saw but NOBODY believes you

Episode Date: February 22, 2024

support benny and get every other pod and a weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzion this ep benny reacts to the things you SWEAR you saw but no one believes you (like getting stuck in an elevator with jessica simpson💅🏻)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Orlando, FL 2/28 https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/99885582/benedict-polizzi-orlando-funny-bone-comedy-club-orlando🌴 WATCH BENNY ON FBOY ISLAND SEASON 3 STREAMING ON THE CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

The guys were in their underwear, the girls were in their bra and underwear, right? Like 10 different people, a lot of different matching sets of underwear. So there's a lot of people here just like making out with each other, like four or five way kissing, touching corrections over underwear. Really weird shit. Espresso podcast shot 303. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who's been eating spoonfuls of peanut butter throughout the day.

Can we talk real quick? But first, before we get into it remember orlando next wednesday this coming wednesday i'm gonna be in your city i'm gonna be kissing goofy and mickey um february 28th i'm gonna to be there Funny Bone Orlando Which is formerly The Orlando Improv Get your tickies In the description of the pod Or at BenedictPolizzi.com

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question of the week. What's the thing that you saw that you swear you saw, but nobody believes you? The thing you swear that I, yeah, but never, no, no. The thing you swear you saw, but nobody believes you. For me, I was in the car with my mom and my two sisters. We were driving down the road. We were kind of like heading into downtown Indianapolis. And I looked to the side of the road and I see this lady that's walking down the sidewalk and her knees are bending backwards. You know what I mean? Not normal.

Not normal mode. Not this this they were going boom oh every step like she was a cricket old lady had cricket knees and i told everybody in the car and i was like did you see look oh like free did you see that look look look look look she had cricket legs. Her knees were bending back. No, shut up. No way. You know, sometimes you got to believe the little stupid ass kid in the car. We're all like 10, 13 and like 16. You know what I mean? We were, we were young little ragamuffins. And I probably lied a lot as a kid. so they didn't believe anything I fucking said. But this lady, I swear to God, her knees were bending backwards. It was so weird. She's like a centaur.

She's like a bad centaur, but instead of a horse on the bottom half, it was just a grasshopper. But let's hear yours. What's the thing you saw and you swear to god you saw but nobody believed you let's go all right so i'm on my lunch break and i drive down to sonic it's on the other side of the highway um next to my work but it's in a pretty rough part of town sonic so i pull in order my mozzarella sticks and my root 44 sprite just trying to make it through the day yeah fire meal and i look and i see this woman rolling up on her motorized scooter and she's got this long dress on so she pulls up to like the outside ordering area

and she's she orders and she's got a uh a little plastic baby up in the front part of her of her cart and so she grabs the baby and she's like rocking it well then she she's got some plastic bags hanging off the back and she shoves that baby head first down into the bag and so she's shaking this bag up like she was trying to put him down or something i don't know so anyway like and this food is taking forever i've never had to drive a four to take this long all of a sudden i look up she's got that baby out and all of a sudden she's whipping out a tit and she's trying to breastfeed this baby this fake baby yeah the sonic and so she's trying one boob doesn't work takes out the other one so now she's full topless

on a motorized scooter in this dress and everybody like i'm the only one in the stall and it's 12 p.m i don't know what's going on i look around all of a sudden this other guy on a motorized scooter comes up and they start fighting over the baby oh my god yes she's got both tits out she's swinging on this thing turns out she was on uh she was on house arrest cops show up as i'm pulling out and she's like starting to fight them throws her to the oh that was it to follow up on the woman at the sonic she was on house arrest the cops show up and they start fighting she gets thrown to the ground

the other guy on the motorized scooter tries to take off her dress gets caught in his wheel yes so they're trying to get her up this man's driving the other way takes off with her entire dress the woman is now topless thank god she had underwear on at least can't believe that sonic drive-thru anyway i went back to work i immediately told told everyone no one believed me no one still believes me but i still wear it was the strangest thing i have ever seen at 12 p.m on a wednesday in tulsa oklahoma damn tulsa oklahoma why does that explain everything about that story actually every time i go to sonic i'm like expecting some magical ass evening and i'm like

this is fucking gross dude name one time you've been to sonic and been like satisfied i'm like oh i want to try that new slushy with the skittles in it i get it and i'm like bro these skittles aren't even real they're like the fake skittles they're like kroger brand skittles god damn going to sonic at noon now that's that's when you know you're you need you need help you're at work so i get it you need as much help as you can get at work if you go to sonic at noon like that's a that's a that's a cry for help i would go to if i was in the middle of a nine to five i would fucking speed my ass to sonic if I was in the middle of a nine to five, I would fucking speed my ass to Sonic, pull up right in the stall,

stall, gross. God, homeless people are just doing what, hey, don't you just kind of, don't you just kind of like, are you just jealous of homeless people sometimes?

Or not homeless, but like house, I guess she was on house arrest, so I don't know. She definitely wasn't homeless if she was on house arrest, but like house i guess she was on house arrest so i don't know she definitely wasn't homeless if she's on house arrest but like the lady i saw with her cricket knees she was probably homeless bro just homeless people are out here doing whatever they want i walk by like 14 homeless people every day in hollywood and they're just literally just sleeping on the sidewalk just not like they don't care at all just legs propped up just

looking at the sun and shit dude just i'm walking by them all all anxietyed out and shit and there's just a guy on the sidewalk like just doesn't care about doesn't have any bills doesn't have any nothing i'm like part of that has to be kind of a relief. I know it's like, and all they're doing is just getting money, bro. All they're doing is just getting money and free food. Bro, homeless people, the fact that I've seen so many, so many tits. Homeless people just don't care. I was walking to LA Fitness in Hollywood and

I just I passed by this I don't know if it was a dude I don't know if it was a girl but I was it was raining this seems this is like some shit out of a dream and I walked by this person and they had a tit out I think and I was like is is that a boob? Or like, is that a guy and that's his chest? And I was like looking, I was like, is that? I looked like three times probably. And I was like, kind of nice boobs for this like mess of a person. And then I was like looking and I was like, okay.

She just said, all right, it's Monday, raining. Everybody's down bad you just and then i hear what's up sexy and i was like okay i gotta go i gotta go so cat call guy gets cat called pretty much man bro think about like the work entertainment that you like, I'm just going to willy nilly go to Sonic on my lunch break. Stop at Sonic, get your regular thing, mozzarella sticks. And, uh, what'd she say? She got for a drink. Root beer. I wish it was root beer, but, uh, just do it. Getting your normal thing at lunch. And then you see a homeless fight over a fake baby right next to you, bro.

Oh, that would make my day. Yeah. I wouldn't believe you either. I don't think anything involving a plastic baby is always gold. Remember when in high school, the people would like walk around the school and like there, there was like that nursing class and they had like fake babies and they didn't like take care of them over the weekend bro don't let me around your fake baby for the weekend i will fail you miserably bad dude if i caught anybody with a fake baby walking down the walking down the like the hallway bro i would punch it out of their hands. Like I was an NFL strong safety. Dude, throwing the baby up in the air. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. And then catching it. Don't do that. That was me, bro. He was a bully. He was a bully. Nah, bro. Fake babies are just too funny.

They're too funny. God babies are just too funny. They're too funny. God, they're too funny. Sonic. Sonic. What's the Sonic slogan? Those two Sonic guys. Sonic. Service at the speed of sound.

Sonic. Sonic, service at the speed of sound. Sonic, service at the speed of the sound of a motorized wheelchair and a plastic baby. And her dress gets whipped up in the wheelchair and there's a half-naked lady on the ground. Sonic. Let's keep going. Hi, this was a call about the anonymous things that we saw, nobody believes us oh yeah when i was hiking through the ozark mountains like seven years ago i got separated from my husband oh my god i was kind of just like walking on this little trail and then there was like a man like standing in the trees a little bit back from the tree line holy shit just like standing straight forward

looking like right up the trail just like frozen oh i was like okay weird vibes so then i like went i was going a little further and then there was another man dude there's a few women just like standing in the trees and it's like kind of mountainy but more hilly and so they were just like standing out like the hell scary and so i was like starting to get a little panicked and i was by myself at the time because eventually as i kept going there was like 10 or 15 people just like weirdly standing in the trees like not moving just like staring towards the trail oh my god finally i like heard my husband so i like turned around and was like babe like trying to get him to not leave me alone with these creepers um and when i turned around they were all gone no i'm a crazy person and when i tell this story everybody's like

okay like a weirdo but i swear no there were like weird cult vibes happening in the mountains i knew it dude i had a feeling that this podcast was gonna get scared i'm gonna get scared during this podcast i you know people are like yo the ocean everything's so scary in the ocean this is crazy we don't even know it's in the ocean i think the woods are scarier for some reason like because the woods are so terrifying name one time in your entire life that you've been in the woods and you haven't seen something weird i've been so scared i don't know if it's the blair witch project that like like just has a choke hold on everybody. But the woods are scary. My cousin, when we were kids, dude, my grandma lived by the woods. I feel like everybody's grandma lives by the woods.

But like, so our fun thing we did was like go in the woods. Can you imagine? Today, it was me, my sister, and my two girl cousins four kids that were like under the age of 16 just fucking doing whatever they wanted in the woods bro there could have been the scariest shit in there am i i just heard something scary as fuck i hope it was my chair holy okay i'm getting scared all right this is when you know it's a good podcast when i'm scared to death oh talking about the woods okay we were all in the woods and dude my my cousin every day was like yo i just saw a little boy walking around with a red shirt on and we're like what and she's called him red shirt boy I just saw a little boy walking around with a red shirt on. And we're like, what? And she's called him red shirt boy.

I just saw a red shirt boy. What? And he's gone. Bro, there's always something weird that happens in the woods. But the people standing in the trees. Are you serious? How close were you? I have the chills right now.

How close were you to them? I need a part two on this. How far were they like up high in the trees i feel like i feel like somebody's gonna unlock this door and just fucking come in here with a branch groot's gonna come in here a forest oh bro that is so gross. How did you get separated from your husband? That's my biggest fear. I'd rather get lost at sea than separated from somebody in the woods. That's my number one thing if I'm in the woods. Don't look. Don't go anywhere. Hey. Oh my God. The woods, bro. Not the woods. One time we were in the woods and we saw this tree stump and there's a whole ass letter written on it

like there's just a tree stump covered with brush and leaves and we like cleared it off and there's a whole letter written in permanent marker on it. I'm like, dude, every time you're in the woods, you're being watched for sure. Oh my God. And it never ends. And you always find a new little nook. The woods is just finding things that people have like tried to build and given up on. Found like 14 forts in there. I was like, dude, homeless people are just in here. And we're just walking around in the woods. Ah, the woods.

I get that. I get that. People that carry guns, I would do it in the woods. So I would hunt is what I'm saying. Just keep going. I'm not the only one that this has happened to. But the 90s genie movie with sinbad called shazam not to be confused with the shack genie movie of the 90s called kazam crazy yeah it was

sinbad i know i saw it but apparently never existed oh my god kazam and Shazam? Shazam's just the music app on my phone, dog. Shazam, I gotta look this up. Shazam movie? Did they try to erase history with the movie Kazam? Shazam movie. Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait. Shazam movie isazam movie. Oh, shit. Wait, wait, wait.

Shazam movie is like a superhero thing. Wait. There's like nothing about it. Shazam movie. Genie. Kazam. Everything is called Kazam. Shazam. Sinbad.

This is weird, bro. Yeah, there is a Shazam Sinbad this is weird bro yeah there is a Shazam movie what but Kazam is the okay Shazam is a movie with Sinbad Kazam is a movie with Shaq are they supposed to be sequels I think they are this never existed

is Shazam real I'm so freaked out about this man cause why how come I kind of think and why do Sinbad why are Sinbad and Shaq kind of the same guy every time I love them both every time I see them I'm like that's the same dude a little bit

is there something going on there god damn it this whole this whole podcast is scary the movie that never was shazam i don't know i don't like this i don't think i like this anymore here we go let's keep going benedict palizzi what's going on man this is your homeboy harriet tub girl first time long time love you long time hell yeah um yeah as far as the story goes i i went to a small college where pretty much everyone knew each other right uh walking back from class one day i found like a burn cd and a case on the ground obviously i needed to know what was in it so i pick it up kind of just assuming it's going to be like music or some shit, but I was like, okay, well maybe if I recognize something, I can be a good Samaritan, give it to someone who, you know, who it belongs to. So anyways, I get to my dorm, a couple other

people are in my room too. And I pop it in the computer and I find a collection of pictures. Oh God. Long story short, the theater kids from our university they were taking like pictures of what i'm assuming was like the pg-13 foreplay before like the actual orgy that they had that night uh so there was like no pics of like sex or nudity or anything but like the guys were in their underwear the girls were in their bra and underwear right like 10 different people a lot of different matching sets of underwear so there's a lot of people here just like making out with each other like four or five way kissing touching corrections really weird shit and the kicker is that we like knew who all these people were personally

or i recognized their faces so i imagine if this was 2020 instead of 2008 with social media oh man um anyways the cd got lost uh and anytime me and the boys told the story nobody believed us because well we're a bunch of fuckers who would make up a story like that anyways theater kids so yeah that's about it uh oh uh benny actually i had one one question here so i'm all caught up with that boy island right i have to know what's killing me after watching the last couple episodes When you and Katie kind of had that alone time In her apartment you know what I'm talking about Did you uh you know

Fuck her cat That was the scariest part of the whole entire story Dude I couldn't with her cat, I couldn't do it, my eyes were bleeding the entire night, and I was just playing it off, like I was all good, because I'm trying to be super smooth, cool guy, spending the night with a girl, I'm trying to be all funny, and like, haha, yeah, oh, really, haha, cool, haha, no, yeah oh really cool no no yeah yeah I'm trying to be all yeah you know I mean while my eyes are just water's just running down my face blood coming out of my nose and mouth because they're gonna they're deathly allergic to her cat her cat was so ugly

don't tell her I said that but her cat was so ugly and like i feel like it needed a haircut do you even give cats haircuts it didn't look like it was gonna make it off the island and apparently i didn't either but uh yeah finding a videotape of a bunch of theater kids doing weird, horny shit. That's just proof, dude. I don't believe you either. Because everybody's like, yeah, at band camp, we did crazy, weird.

We all, us theater kids are horny. They have the most sad. I'm like, I don't really think so, man. I don't think so. Like, name one. I've never.'t really think so, man. I don't think so. Like, name one. I've never. It's all talk, man. It's all talk.

If theater kids are having so much sex, why are they still acting like theater kids? Usually when you have, you know, the first time you do it, it kind of changes you a little bit you can tell you can definitely tell when a person hasn't had or like they're just not good at it you can just tell i'm not saying i'm the king or anything actually i've never had it but you can tell after after somebody does it you're like, okay. They're like, you know, they're kind of like. Person who's never had sex.

Person who's had sex. I don't know. That's it. That's it. That's the difference. But you saw the proof of theater kids being weird and horny oh the holy grail bro how did you lose that dvd those poor kids oh my god he loves the dvd can't you fucking hear him now like sniffing and fucking oh he loves it where he was it where's the cd everybody's gonna find out that we're weird and horny.

They have inhalers and shit. They're worried sick. They would say that too. I'm worried sick about that CD. Dude, why are theater kids so... They know they're getting made fun of, bro. Like, they don't care. What am I going to do?

The dean's going to find our CD. You really had it. You bullies. I can't believe you didn't post it on the internet. Look at these nerds. 70 million views on youtube let's keep going okay kind of a crazy story um this was at the water tower mall downtown chicago circa 2010 ish i was with my girlfriend at the time um we were in the mall, uh, like I said, Christmas time, it was

hella people there waiting for an elevator. And then all of a sudden there's like a bunch of commotion. Uh, people are getting like pushed out of the way. Um, the elevator opens and I kind of get like pushed in along with, uh, Jessica Simpson and her security team. And so then it's just me, Jessica Simpson, and the security team riding up the elevator together. And it was pretty obvious that I was not supposed to be in there with her. She was like debuting a new perfume or something with Macy's or whoever. Anyway, so elevator opens back up. Jessica Simpson walks out. Security walks out. They did not say a word to me. They did not ask how I get in there, what was going on. But to this day, still do not know how or why everyone else got pushed out of the way, except for myself, who really got pushed into the elevator. Did you fart?

really got like pushed into the elevator. Um, uh, by myself again, I was with my girlfriend at the time she got like thrown out of the way. Um, but, uh, uh, yeah, nobody believes me about this story, but, um, that's what happened. It was just, yeah, that's a good story. And her security team. Uh, and, uh, at that time I, uh, I realized, or didn't know, but now I know Jessica Simpson is actually very short and also extremely hot. Yeah. I knew that part, though. Fuck. Perfect time. Good story.

Isn't it funny how every celebrity is like four nine why what is that how come every person i ever meet is like four nine dude people look so tall on instagram people catfish the shit out of themselves on instagram dude i, I think, I swear, I think every girl is 6'5". Every single girl I've ever seen on Instagram is 6'5". And when I see them in real life, I'm like, what? How about the person that's like, you follow me on Instagram?

And I'm like, how would I ever know you on social media and you in real life? That's crazy. It's crazy to think that there's, you think my brain can compute that. No chance. Jessica Simpson perfume in the mall.

That sounds like a dream, man. That does kind of sound like a dream. You got pushed in the elevator. Jess J simp and her security team i bet she smelled so good i bet she smelled like a perfume she had to have me in the elevator security team looks at me they're like sir have you ever had sex i'm like absolutely not bro i would have been so nervous in that elevator the way i would have been sweating i wonder how many security people were with her it's like that scene in the

the event in captain america just a security team loaded in there they all just beat the shit out of you i can imagine you in the elevator just wearing like a christmas sweater and like 10 cop officer guys and jay simp all three five of jay simp something that i think happened that some people don't think happened. I went on this party bus and it was like a couple people I knew plus like 30 that I didn't. And, you know, about an hour in, I'm on my second drink. I've had a shot. and this girl was like you know was like asking if i you know was with somebody and i was then they had handed me a shot i don't remember the next five hours so eventually a couple things came back one i remember the party bus stopped

at a club and me and i couldn't do anything i couldn't say anything i could move nightmare and so she was just kind of uh she was just kissing me and wow i was just kind of like looking like I was passed out or mentally incompetent. And all these people had to be wondering, like, this guy can't even move. Like, this guy can't speak. Like, does this guy have some kind of mental illness? Oh, shit. Down syndrome? Like, no, I don't speak. Does this guy have some kind of mental illness? Oh, shit. Down syndrome?

It's like, no, I don't have down syndrome. I have down too many beer syndrome. Hey, whatever that guy had, I'll give it a shot. Bro, who knew? You had girls kissing all up on you and all you had to do is not say anything ever. God. That'd be the most action I've ever gotten in the club.

At a bar. A girl kissing on you at a bar can you imagine i can't it's never happened to me maybe i should just shut up forever i've never gotten roofied how come every girl is like oh my god last night i got roofied no one every girl ever oh my god i don't remember i swear to god i had to get rovade i'm like nah dude you just had three shots oh my god literally fuck him i think i got rovade every girl ever last night nah dude you just got normal drunk and you're dramatic how about that never heard a story of a guy being roofied till just now and he remembers all of it apparently i don't remember anything guy gets roofied he's like

dude this girl's like kissing on me but i couldn't fucking talk damn bro there's no worse feeling than being like weirdo in public and you can't do anything about it oh oh my god it happened to me when i was on stage one time oh my god i was like why am i not me now why am i not me right now uh out of body i was like i gotta wrap this shit up dude there is no worse feeling than being a weirdo man weird weird weird weirdo man when you're in public when you got the uh what's it called what's it, what's it called? What's it called? What's it called? Um, damn it. When you're paranoid. Oh dude, I've been paranoid so many times in public. You ever get the noid in public when you're in the public and you get the noid. That was, that was this anonymous caller at the

bar. Bro has the noid. Just let them let him chill i wish you i wish people could be like yo i just got the noid i got the noid what do you mean i just got the noid oh he's like fuck that let's keep going a couple more okay um bro this is crazy this is gonna be scary just by the the sound of the voice message a little bit strange nobody ever believes me when i say it oh it's gonna be bad i gotta tell it here uh this happened a couple years ago when i was with my ex and we were just hanging out like normal we're chilling in the car we're in some hospital parking lot near one of our houses and we're just hanging out and then um suddenly i see because there's a hospital parking lot and then there's uh houses in the distance and there's a house that's pretty close like right

next to the gate of the hospital parking lot and i'm looking at that house and suddenly it's a three-story house I see in the middle story of flame start going up and it doesn't look like it's coming from a fireplace it doesn't look like it's coming from a candle like it's literally like a fire in the middle of this person's house and in the span of like less than three seconds it goes from one flame to the entire house is completely engulfed in flame shut up there was a time when i told this story and i i literally couldn't tell it without like tears coming to my eyes and getting emotional because it was just that intense of an experience and my ex thought too we were looking at each other we were both crying and we were like what do we do call Call the police.

Call the fire department. And then he's like, yeah, yeah. Call the fire department. So I pick up my phone. And I'm dialing the fire department or 911 or whatever. And then I look back up. And nothing happened at all. Dude, no.

The house looked completely normal. Everything was completely normal. And we have no idea what happened. And nobody ever believes me. Please end. Oh, she forgot to press stop. She's like... Car blows up.

Oh, no. I pray to God nothing like that happens to me. I'll never get over it. If I see people in the forest, if I see people in the woods, up in the trees, and i look back and they're gone i'll never recover i don't know how you're still alive if i see a whole entire house burned down and look back and it's fine oh there's some about flames too oh scary i wonder what they said to 911. 911 probably arrested them. You guys are on drugs? You guys are like

ruptured or something. That's crazy. And you saw it with your boy too. So he's got your back on that story. There's so many. I mean, why would anybody believe you honestly that's insane the devil was in that house all right two more so after my mom died i had her ashes

and i don't really know what to do with them quite yet so like you know she was just chilling on the fireplace and i swear like i saw her I saw her, like, a few times, like, a ghost. So, I would go to, like, my then boyfriend, and I was like, I swear to God, like, I'm seeing my mom's ghost. And he was like, whatever. And then he was like, I swear to God, I saw your mom. No. Blah, blah, blah. I'm like, I know.

Like, I believe you. So, we were both, both like tripped out so mama got shipped to california to my sister and i was like told her about it she was like i don't know you're probably just high or something like shut up well then her three-year-old son i don't know he's like two or three he started seeing like my mom's ghost like i don't know he's like two or three he started seeing like my mom's ghost like I don't know that's like a whole other story but yeah they all didn't believe me until like they saw her

it was weird dear people that have passed away that I know that I know you're listening I'm not even gonna say it I'm not even gonna say it wouldn't you dude when I die I'm not coming back down because I will just scare the living shit out of people how about people that have a ghost in their house and are not even like they're just not even they're just like yeah that's tommy oh my god those people are so weird did that chair just

fucking move yeah it's tommy he does that all the time it's there's sunny passed away four years ago i'm like you can't tell me that's not the weirdest thing that's ever happened I feel like I know five people like that Tommy's on the swing again outside I'm like ah gotta go like dude if you're gonna haunt me at least haunt me and come back and like find my car keys or some shit you know every time i

can't find an item that i've lost wallet or phone or keys i just started thinking of my life when do you think about your loved ones that have passed away like when i can't find my fucking phone jesus christ i can't find my phone anywhere in the house i'm like uncle charles for the love of, point me in the right direction. Holy shit. That's the only time I think of him. Holy shit, that's so fried. When do you think about the people that mean the most to you?

When my wallet's in my car underneath my seat and i'm gonna fucking punch someone in the head if i don't find it in four seconds yo if you're gonna scare me just please be helpful one more baby so things that i see that nobody believes me. I have deja vu so intense and crazy that I have seen like different scenarios play out before they've happened. And then it's helped me to avoid confrontation oh my god avoid certain situations because i've already seen how it has played out so you can see the future that sounds so crazy but it happens to me all the time and i'll be like i know what's gonna happen i know what's gonna happen it's so weird but nobody believes me

happen i know it's gonna happen it's so weird but nobody believes me oh we don't either no that's good for you good for you the closest thing i have to that is when someone tells me a story i'll remember that they told me that. And sometimes people are so dumb. They'll tell me things like three times, you know, you ever, you know, one of those people that'll tell you the same thing four times. Cause they just tell everyone, everything, bro. That's a red flag girl or guy that says so much shit to everybody. They can't even remember what they told you. So they'll tell you a a story and on the third time you finally have the right answer that's me dude if a girl tells me something three times on the third time i'm like oh yeah well just tell them to shut up then and she's like oh i guess i'm like i only knew the you're so yeah you with no hesitation you just knew the right answer and like yeah it's because you told me three fucking times already and i had three times to i had two times to fail that's my deja that's

my superpower i'll just remember the stupid story you told me and finally come up with a mediocre ass answer for you or just any type of reply that's decent. Dude, sometimes I'm so pissed at the decisions or replies I've made to people that I delete it from my head and just remake a new one in my head. One time I met Jack Harlow with this girl I was dating. And Jack Harlow was like, you guys are dating? And I was like, yeah. And he goes, interesting. And I just didn't say anything back. So I deleted it out of my head, made a whole new reply. And that's what I tell everybody that happened. I'm a fraud, bro. I'm a fraud.

fraud bro i'm a fraud i completely took an l on the conversation my my the girl i was dating was probably like damn you didn't have anything for that and jack harlow's like bro you didn't have anything i was just like yeah he goes interesting day i was like remember when jack harlow asked if we were dating my girlfriend was like yeah i was like remember i told him like i i made up some dumb ass shit but i was like remember like and she's like yeah yeah that was crazy i was like thank god i was like thank god i was like yeah yeah yeah dude me being starstruck holy shit dude if i see somebody on instagram that has like 12 000 followers i'm like oh my god that's her so stupid right, here we go,

oh, that's it, that's it, things you saw, but you, that you swear you saw, but no one believes you, good voice messages, I'm terrified, all right, let's keep going. Dear diary, what's been happening for me is what's been happening with me. So I moved my room. So now I live in a house and there's a girl that lives on the other side of the house. I just know her. I stay respectful. It's made me like a better person living with someone in a house because I'm not a complete like savage. Now I have to like be kind of quiet and like do the dishes. And like, before I was just like eating peanut butter and shit like that. Now I'm like a little, uh, I'm like more on my shit and it's better. It's a better overall situation, but I want everybody like every day, like I have to pass through the kitchen to get to my room

and every day, bro, she'll just hit me with the hottest tea ever. And like, I'm, I'm living in, in a room in the house now because her girl best friend moved out. So I'm just like, yo, I didn't know before I moved in here that I was going to be just your new girl best friend. That's what I am now. I'm just, I don't know how to do it. I'm learning though, but like, I don't want any part of it really. I'm like, Oh God, here we go again. You know what I mean? Like, I just got to hear this. And I'm like trying to give her my best input my best advice like at like I'm I'm I'm like I'm channeling her like her girl I'm just being a girl best friend now that's me it's like okay what do you think like he like said this and like in like in

like he in like I don't know what to like I don't know why i'm like this with him like i don't know why like he he treats me and i'm like and i'm like i'm just giving her my like i'm like listen listen don't say anything too crazy don't say anything too crazy because sometimes when you're talking to a girl you can say the most off the wall shit and they'll just keep rolling what should i say to him if like he like said this and did that I could be like uh telling me to really like corn and she'd be like okay but like okay we go we go off in like last night he said and I'm like did you even listen to me I think all you have to do is listen but I'm like trying to give her input and I'm like trying to stay out of it. And I was like, I don't really want to like, like hopefully this doesn't come back on me.

Like I'm just, I'm staying, I'm taking the high road. I'm not picking sides. Like I don't want to get in the way of anything. I'm just the guy that lives in the house. I'm just trying to, I'm not trying to be in the situation. And then like I heard her in the kitchen the next morning and I like opened the situation. And then like I heard her in the kitchen the next morning and I opened the door. I was like, so did he text you back?

I'm like, I can't. Now I'm invested, bro. I'm just a girl best friend now. That's it. That's it. That's my life now I'm just up on the tea bro

whether I want to be or not I'm just like damn did he do anything for her for Valentine's Day I don't even care but do I show and tell can we take a moment of silence care, but do I? Show and tell. Can we take a moment of silence for the bubble yum duck?

Please? Have you seen this damn thing? Look at this guy. Kidding me? You see that duck? Bro, that's the most punk ass duck I've ever seen. Has it always been like this? Has the bubble yum duck always been like

the dude that got so many detentions in eighth grade. He's got a nose ring. He's got spiky hair. He's got a dog collar on bro. That duck fucks. I kind of forgot about this gum too. I saw this in the checkout line at target and I was like, you know, I got to cop that. Cause I'm gum guy right now.

If you know me, you know what gum guy is. Gum guy. Bro, Sunday night. Why is that? Why is that pack of gum all fucking torn open? Because I'm gum guy right now and I will take out a pack of gum in one hour. Every piece. New piece.

New piece. Okay. new piece new piece okay it's like 14 chews but like i'm giving you seven right there but god this gum had me this gum had me in a choke hold against the lockers bro right here sunday night gum guy but i was looking at the pack and i was like yo is that the bubbly um duck is serious like that's a underrated fun mascot remember bubblicious oh bubblicious twisted tornado. Bring it back. What are we doing? There's so many cool ass snacks and shit that they need to bring back. Why would they ever discontinue them?

I'm so mad. Kudos Bars. Bring them back. Bubblicious. I haven't seen Bubblicious in like 10 years. Where'd it go? All I see is Hubba Bubba. Did it change?

Bubblicious just looks so fun. There's a lot of little fruit snacks and shit that they discontinued too. Then I'm like, why? That Poland peel thing. Oh, God damn. I just had to show you guys that duck because that duck is that duck can a duck's like main spirit animal cringe moment of the week um this is insane I was at the comedy store watching a show. Two of my really good friends were on it. And I had to pee so bad.

And like, you never know who you're going to run into at the comedy store. So I'm like, oh, he's like, is that, who's that? Who's that? Is that guy? Who's that guy? Is that, oh, that's that guy. That's that guy. Oh my? Oh, that's that guy. That's that guy. Oh my God. That's that's him. Crazy. But I was in the bathroom and I was just going

to the bathroom and I was on my phone and the fellas know the fellas know sometimes when you're just not looking, dude, your pee will just go somewhere. And I'm like standing in front of a urinal. So I'm like, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Whatever. So like seven seconds in, I'm like, this sound doesn't sound right. And I'm just on my phone and I look dude i am just peeing all over this guy's foot i swear something that you saw that no one believes i'm just peeing all over this guy's foot for seven seconds because like my thing was like angled at a weird way and i just didn't know i was like it should just be going straight go straight nine out of ten times. I'm just on my phone, like, looking at something, peeing. I didn't check.

You got to do the check. I didn't check because I'm just so used to it. You can't lose the fundamentals, baby. You got to catch it and then run. You're thinking about the run for the catch, you'll drop the ball. Bro, I dropped the ball. I peed on this guy's foot for seven seconds. Thank God it wasn't a famous comedian. It was just a normal, uh, dude. I was like, Oh, but he didn't even say anything, dude. You know, like, you know, when something so crazy

happens that you don't even know, I think it was one of those moments because he definitely knew he definitely knew i was peeing on his foot but he didn't like look at me like what the fuck bro he was just like damn that was so crazy i'm not gonna tell him i do that sometimes like if something that's so embarrassing happens to someone else and i see it or like it like like it affects me a little bit i'm like bro i'm just gonna pretend that never happened just so just so you're good i think that's what he did to me he was like dog uh wow i'm gonna get out of here and we're just gonna pretend that never happened like he did one of these the men in black thing to me memory eraser thing was soaked dude and then i looked at the ground i was like i didn't really just do that did i you know you do something

stupid and you're like that couldn't have really just happened you know i looked at the i looked at the ground i was like oh shit it's And I was like, it could have been somebody else. And I was walking around the comedy store in my like you could see they're like my feet were wet. I peed all over the floor and some guy's foot. Let's do days of the week. Days of the week. Today, Thursday, supermarket employee day.

Oof, man, I just... Bless your hearts, supermarket employees. Man, the ones that work at Walmart. How about going to walmart and you can't even ask anybody anything because nobody knows shit you go to walmart you're just on your own dude i'm like should i ask her where the hair nets are you know i just have some random ass stupid question always i bet i've spent three thousand,000 at Walmart just for shit for videos. Should I even bother asking anyone at Walmart where the shit is? Did I ask a lady at the Walmart?

The Walmart of my dad. I asked a lady at Walmart where the swimsuit bottoms are for women. Because I'm going to like do a video. She goes, huh? I think those are in sporting goods i was like how how would i know i would have a better idea of where those are than you come on i eventually found them but damn man just give me like point me in the right direction that's all you got to do they're so they're so bad they're so bad bless your souls bless your souls because i mean it doesn't help everybody in the grocery store is a piece of trash. It's kind of like working at a restaurant. How come

I kind of want to be the guy that stocks all the milk though in a grocery store? Is that the most interesting person in the world? Remember when you're like looking for milk when you're a kid and you saw the guy stocking them from behind? You're like, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom, mom. What do they do back there? Can I see you back there? Thursday, chilly day. Oh. Chilly day,

but all I'm thinking about right now is Texas toast. Oh. thinking about right now is Texas toast. What a treat. Is that even real? Remember when your mom used to make you garlic bread? Did that happen? God. What a special treat. If you can't get excited for that, I don't even want to talk to you. Garlic bread? Dude, there is nothing better. We're having spaghetti tonight. Oh, cool.

We have a garlic bread? Yeah. Just like eating cake. It's just cake with spaghetti. So good. I can't even handle it. Chili and garlic bread. My plate, my bowl, tiny bit of chili, garlic bread all around it.

Like it's a sombrero. So good. Now everybody calls it Texas toast. I don't like how Texas just took that. Tastes to slaps, though. Try to skip the straw day. Not for me. Straw in every drink from now on, period.

End of story. Hot coffee straw, cold coffee straw. People are like, dude, how do you even drink an iced coffee without a straw? Have you ever seen somebody do it? They hand them to you at Starbucks. They're like, yeah, duh. You drink it without a straw. Have you ever seen somebody do it? They hand them to you at Starbucks. Like they're like, yeah, duh, you drink it without a straw. And the way Starbucks employees are shocked when I'm like, can I have a straw? Like, are you fucking what? You missed the whole part.

You missed the reason I'm here. The straw. What an ordeal straws went through. Did you ever think that would happen to straws? What an ordeal straws went through. Did you ever think that would happen to straws? Absolutely not. Straws got discriminated. They got blackmailed, scrutinized, slandered straws.

Oh my God. And I hate to be that guy, but like the paper straw, I had two today and I was like, these kind of suck, dude. You know, like if it breaks, like you can't like push it down in the drink. Oh, so you like killing animals?

No, no. But like just don't litter, you know. Man, there's nothing better than a good ass straw, a pink one. Hey, but what sucks more than when you break your straw, you know, and you're like trying to like get the, like get it out of the wrapper and you're like, actually, I don't even open straws like that anymore. I used to. If you open straws like that, you're eight, but you do that. It's like, you're like, fuck.

You ever try to drink out of a straw? That's like a broken, but you just pretend like it isn't broken. You're like, uh, I don't really, I think it's still fine. You put it in your drinking drink and you're like,

you see the veins in your neck and shit you're so thirsty you've been drinking your drink for two and a half hours there's this much out of it too much pride to go back and get another straw because you just want to pretend it's not broken still it's not broken still just me okay dog biscuit day oh god that just made me hungry i should be starving right now but you know what i did when i got in here there's a there's a basket of candy. And while I was setting up for this podcast, I sabotaged myself and ate 13 Starbursts. And when I say 13, I really mean 23. Can we... The wrapper...

Like, I can't believe this. This is an invention. Invention! Invention, man! Man, man. Add this to the invention list. Starbursts shouldn't have't have dude the amount of trash when i open a pack of starbursts and all the the wrapper and all the individual wrappers

that's like a bag full of trash damn i guess it's like half the fun you know like people are like I like bone-in chicken wings because I like eating it and finding the meat and licking it off the bone. I guess that's like eating a Starburst. You got to unwrap the package. The paper slides in between your fingernail and your skin.

You're like, ah! You ever been injured eating a starburst bro after I eat for starburst me You're halfway through the package keep go fingers bleeding So much like phlegm in your throat throat you know starburst give you that like old thick phlegm starbursts are a whole workout what are we doing for cardio you're eating starbursts

no that big bag starbursts put them all on a stick What are we doing for cardio? You're eating Starburst. No! That big bag. Starburst, put them all on a stick. A plastic stick. Kind of like those drink stopper things at Starbucks. Those green things. What are those called?

Stir stick. A stir stick at Starbucks. Like that. Only red and long. Put them all on that stick put them in the wrapper bing bam boom invention man banana bread day oh what a lost art banana bread is who's making that on another episode of who's making banana bread still can somebody everybody acts like everybody's all talk my bananas are getting old i think i'm gonna make banana bread well prove it send me a loaf and put chocolate chips in it and maybe put some icing on top

maybe peanut butter if you're feeling freaky banana bread bro this girl made me banana bread in college one time just because on a whim i said i liked it she made me a banana bread bro i will never forget her and it wasn't it wasn't like anything crazy she was just like you were talking a lot about banana bread and i gotta get a recipe so I just made you some I was like well one I'm never gonna forget you and two will you marry me Saturday tortilla chip day man though I could just put how about that little bag they give you? You go to a Mexican restaurant or whatever, they give you a free bag of tortilla chips. A lot of places do in LA.

El Pollo Loco. Makes sense. They give you tortilla chips, but I always get chicken there and vegetables and stuff. It ends up being like $800, but the best part of the meal, they give you a little bag of chippies for free. And I'm like

oh my god it's it's worth every cent to see that little chip bag and it's kind of like sweaty the outside of the bag is always sweaty you're like ew gross who would ever eat those two seconds later they're gone you're like the tortilla chips are like the salt's stinging your fingers because you bit your nails all day and the skin's all ripped off and you dip your fingers in some bag of tortilla chips. Oh, God, it's so good though. Sunday.

Clam chowder day. I think I bonged that. Yeah, I think I bong that. Yeah, I think I bong that. Man, I need to bong something for Orlando. That's what I need to do. Bong something. What am I going to bong? I'm just going to bong a bottle of sunscreen for Orlando.

Get your tickies, tickies, tickies, tickies. Chocolate covered nut day. Sunday. Sunday. Sunday. Nothing better. Yep. Mm-hmm. Uh-huh.

Nothing better. What was the thing? I was talking about chocolate covered nuts the other podcast a bowl of nuts there's a bowl of nuts will disappear in one minute peanut butter bye i don't know why i can't keep a jar of peanut butter around long enough to see the weekend. I don't know what it is. The other day on Sunday night, I was just taking spoonfuls of peanut butter out of a peanut butter jar and eating it. And I was like, this is maybe better than anything I've ever had in my life. Does anybody else do that? Or is that some weird, like, I guess other people probably have like access to the desserts but i was like i don't want to go anywhere i don't do anything the closest i have

to like something sexy right now is peanut butter so i'll just it's crunchy dude crunchy peanut and makes me feel good too okay not like physically but like peanut butter for some reason i'm like oh this is protein and peanuts in it i'm like yeah, yeah, I feel like I'm at a baseball game. This is fine. Such an idiot. Makes up every excuse to sabotage himself and become fatter. Fatter, fatter.

Monday just for shits and gigs. Tell a fairy tale day. No. Pistachio day another one he always you always talk about food you're so annoying get a new get a new subject to talk about shut up ashley how about all those pistachios coming out they're're all like $9.99. They all have barbecue, jalapeno flavor. Bro, I will take those out. Whole bag. Easy.

In the car. They're good for you, dude. They're just like protein. No, it's candy. That's what I thought about granola too. The day I found out granola was just a bag of candy bad bad night for me said a good example day never done that never done that every time growing up in school everybody wanted me to be like the guy that was

like you need to be a leader i was was like, I will, but like, it's so boring. Being a leader, okay, but like, dude, can we just make it funny? That's everything I thought about. I was like, can we just, how can I make, how can we make this a little less like, I'm going to kill myself. And that's why he

Like, I'm going to kill myself. And that's why he got yelled at by every teacher in high school for doing kind of nothing. You need to set a good example. I was like, isn't that your job? Jesus Christ. Now I got to set good examples for you? Oh, my God. My friends know I'm not... I'm not Captain America. All right?

Like, I can't just put on a front like, Hey! Be quiet! Be quiet! But I would turn around in class and be like, Are you... Can we shut the hell up? And then I'd get in trouble for cussing. But I would turn around in class and be like, are you? Can we shut the hell up? And then I'd get in trouble for cussing.

I'd be like, okay, forget it. That's fine. That's it, y'all. EWBP 303. Thanks for fucking with me. Bring back raps. Bring back raps. Raps so white. But thank you for the voice messages.

I love this pod. Join $5 for the Patreon. Get every other podcast in a live stream at the end of every week. Grab your tickies for Orlando. I'll see you next Wednesday. And a lot more shows coming up on my website, BenedictBloodsy.com. There's already a couple on there. But there's going to be a lot more shows coming up on my website. There's already a couple on there, but there's going to be a lot more soon. Love you guys for real. See you Sunday night.