Espresso - things you should be evicted for

Episode Date: October 6, 2022

on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what are the things you should be evicted for? (like bringing home a STOP SIGN) then Ben realized girls destroy more stuff than guys and reveals he is accepting applications for his love life (by sending photos of your toes) 🔥 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 𝗜𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘! https://benedictmerch.com/ 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔸𝘀𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi... 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpoliz... 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpol... 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

what's up fam it's espresso podcast with your host benedict polizzi it's shot 231 and it's late night spress what's that mean baby girls and boys. It means it's way past my damn bedtime. And everything's kind of scary in the studio I'm in. So, yeah, I might get scared like 17 times. We're just going to rip through this thing. Hey, remember to go to benedictmerch.com for who's buying this stuff.

We got Indianaiana land stuff espresso hats shirts and some polite cat calling right here I like this one the best steal your boy damn girl you look like you return all your boyfriends hoodies

because that is definitely a thing yeah get all your merch at benedictmerch.com and uh remember to join the patreon for five dollars every month for an extra episode every week god i think my voice sounds so good right now and you can definitely tell but okay let's just get cracking the espresso cool cool cool cool we haven't done this in a while it's og spress it's not really uh f boy island theme this time which kind of makes me sad because we had a run going but yeah we're just gonna to go old school classic expressy style. The espresso quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week is,

what's the thing you did in your apartment that you should have been evicted for? Like I was saying, for me, it's when I, dude, this is so wild. Okay, I updated my apartment. I can't stop talking about it. so let me know if i go too far no but seriously i it's all i talk about and think about but i i got new fans because my fan looked like it was from it was an antique from your great grandmother's house who served platoon six at the civil war. Dude, it was just fucked.

And I got a new fan and I threw that entire fan down my trash chute. I live on the sixth floor. That bitch was fucking hitting every wall in sight. Just thought I saw something that scared the shit out of me and we're just going to keep going. But, uh, yeah. And I've honestly done that with a half gallon glass bottle of vodka. Sixth floor, down the trash chute.

And what happened? Somebody from the third floor opened their trash chute and the whole thing broke right there. And I heard him go, Ah! Hold on. there and I heard him go hold on and I ran back to my apartment and locked the door and stayed in there for 15 minutes to make sure no one was like like walking the hallways looking for the culprit uh what other dude this okay I'm not say that one. I'll say it on the Patreon. If you want.

Okay, so yeah, I have to say it now. So this guy, I was going in the elevator and it was like my first time. Like it was the first year I lived in my apartment. This dude's like knocking on the door and I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, oh, I think I recognize that guy. I let him in. Right when I let him in, I was like, fuck. So he goes to like this random floor. I'm like, I let him in. Right when I let him in, I was like, fuck. So he goes to like this random floor.

I'm like, all right, bro. Dude, like 10 minutes later, there's like seven cop cars outside my apartment. I'm like, oh my God, that guy just killed somebody. I'm hot, dude. I'm like, they got security footage. I let them in. Bro, there's so many cops in our apartment.

I rode the elevator with, like, I, like, stayed in my, I staked out in my apartment. I just stayed there for, like, for a long time because I was so, I was like, oh, my God, I'm under arrest. I went outside and went in the elevator with the policemen just to make sure nothing happened. They were like, how's it going? It's going good? All right, good.

I was like, okay, thank God he didn't kill anybody. I don't know what happened. I don't want to know what happened, but yeah. But those are my little apartment scandals. Probably stuff worse than that that I don't even remember. Whoops. But let's get into some of these voice messages. God, I feel like I think I sound so much better than I actually do right now. See,

I got like that. I got like that cracky voice. Yeah. All right, here we go from anonymous. What's the thing you did in your apartment that you should have been evicted for? So when we were in college about like 10 years ago, we lived on top of this like cafe or restaurant, this Mediterranean place owned by our landlord who just like really was judgmental towards us and couldn't really stand us. I don't know. Um, so we weren't supposed to have pets there, but we kept a dog there all year and we just like hit him in our purse or would put music on so you can't hear him anything like that and also we would make sure that anytime people were going to the smallest dog in the world the restaurant or the cafe or trying to go in

front of it or whatever we would just kind of like diss it and talk about how bad it is um well i guess now that i'm saying this out loud it's not really entertaining at all so maybe this is not good for the podcast but anyway that was the story props for battling through that thing that's what should happen every time you realize you're telling a bad story that's what should happen. Every time you realize you're telling a bad story, that's what should happen. Normalize. I hate it when people say normalize, but normalize admitting that you're telling a bad story.

Just 13 seconds in. Hey, I'm going to, I'm just going to, and the penalty for telling a bad story, the people that are, that had to listen to you for those 13 busted-ass seconds of your story

get to shush you, but they really get to put their finger on your lips like this. Hey, guys, this is just a really bad... That's what they all get to do for your penalty. Oh, bro, I'd be out I'd be out here listening to everybody's stories nope not good you ever shush somebody

most disrespectful shit of all time wow so you snuck a dog in that's bold no i'm just kidding here we go so like i killed 16 17 dudes in my apartment told everybody it was rotting pork chops that my family sent me and they always complained about the smell coming through the vent and then I said it was my dad's goldfish and like, wait. That's Jeffrey Dahmer.

Shit. I'm going to be him for Halloween. You killed 16 or 17 people? 16 or 17 guys? Yeah, you want to make it 18? Oh god. Jeez. Especially if pork chops are involved though did i hear pork chops in that i don't even know if i've ever had pork chops but uh they sound intimidating yeah i've had i probably i probably had them on accident because I thought it was like a hamburger or some shit.

Yeah. Just keep going. The one thing I should have been evicted for was when I was younger. My upstairs neighbor was like really hot. So every time I would walk out of my front door, I would always say, hey, daddy, let's play. And his mom left a note on my door and it stopped. His mom? How old were you? How old was the guy? Why did he live with his mom? You shouldn't have been evicted, girly. have gone to prison kid was probably 13 hey daddy let's play i need that mom left a note on my door. Dude, are you? And it stopped. You're wild. You're wild. Are you trying to seduce him? Are you trying to get sexy with

him? Or was that a horror? Dude, if I heard, hey, if I heard this in the middle of the night. Would Ollie say, hey, daddy, let's play. If I heard that in the middle of the night, I would evict myself. See ya. Burn the whole building down. I'm terrified right now. Not because of that voice message, but because it's like, it's midnight. And I think this building's haunted.

Let's keep going. So it's not something that I did and almost got evicted for. This is a story about my neighbors. Years ago in an apartment complex, they were running a full-on brothel. And it was like every morning when I went to work.

In an apartment? It was super early. And still at that time of day, they were running a full-on brothel and it was like every morning when i went to work in an apartment it was super early and still at that time of day there was a guy leaving their apartment and there was a guy going into their apartment and it was studio apartment just open floor plan uh it was never the same face um so yeah they they were running they were running a brothel turns out the cops got called on them they were evicted for it but yeah they they were running a brothel. Turns out the cops got called on them. They were evicted for it, but yeah, they were running a full-on brothel right next door. Thin walls, man. Ta-ha.

Fuck. Wow, I didn't expect a ta-ha fuck after that one, but that's what they were doing. Ha-ha-ha. What did the apartment sound like? Ta-ha-ha. Fuck. Wow. I think the neighbors know my name.

Who sings that? I think the neighbors know my name. When you're having a brothel, I know the neighbors know my name. When different strangers are going to your neighbor's apartment, I think the neighbors know my name when different strangers are going to your neighbor's apartment i think the name is no my name hey bro brothel next door in the apartment complex grind don't stop you gotta do what you gotta do side hustle how do you like make money? Uber and brothel. Oh, is that an app? Yeah. App apartment.

This guy. No, but that's wild. And they just live there? Imagine if somebody came up to him and like, you know how like some people would go into an apartment and trick or treat? Have you guys ever heard of shit like that? What if they did that to them? Trick or treat.

Just a bowl. A bowl of nut rages. Oh God. Oh shit. Yeah. I don't know. That's wild. That's a good one. Brothel don't know. That's wild. That's a good one.

Brothel next door. Let's keep going. This is more the story of a girl who had already been evicted, but in retaliation to that, she stapled Ziploc bags filled with raw chicken behind the furniture that they couldn't find, so she hoped it would smell bad. I just wish I had the balls to do something like that. It takes too much time to get mad like that.

You got to buy chicken. You got to buy Ziploc bags. I mean, I guess if you just had a bunch of raw chicken laying around, you should be evicted anyway. I mean, I guess if you just had a bunch of raw chicken laying around, you should be evicted anyway. Dude, the Italian in me won't let me waste food like that. Dude, stapled chicken Ziploc bags in your apartment.

Nah, we can chop that up and make some leftovers later. At least put some Italian dressing in the bags and let the chicken marinate. Now we just now we can have we can have company over. What a lucky guy that moves into that apartment. Just got marinated chicken for three days. Had the family

over. Wow. Yeah, dude. This one dude I used to play football with, they like, this is one of those dudes. See, I could never do this because I'm a bitch, but I guess he was on spring break or something in the condo he was in kicked him out.

He had like four more days and they just kicked him out and he put three pizzas in the oven and just cranked it and never set a timer and just dipped out. God, I feel... That's just like... I just couldn't do that. And I'm a thousand percent always hungry. So they'd be in there for 25 minutes and your friends would be like let that shit burn bro fuck them i'd go in there and start cutting it up and

eating that shit want me to cut a party style or triangles 4 or 18's keep going. Hey, Benedict. Quick question. Do you know who Kelly Oubre is? Cutest motherfucker in the NBA. Are you six? This can't be for this podcast, but it is somehow. This person's six.

Hey, Benedict. Quick question. This is literally my cousin talking to me at Thanksgiving do you know who Kelly Oubre is cutest motherfucker in the NBA cutest motherfucker in the NBA actually I do know who Kelly Oubre is cause TikTok's obsessed with him he wore that supreme shooting sleeve

shooting sleeve supreme shooter sleeve. And they like, they had to ban all like Supreme shit in the NBA after that. Cutest motherfucking NBA. So stupid. So did he get evicted or? I think the name is, no, my motherfucking name. Let's keep going.

Okay, so this was like within the first week pretty much. So first, like when we first moved in, we punched a hole into the ceiling with our couch and we made a hole in the wall. And then we also moved the light down from the ceiling and then said that it was their fault and that they were the ones who installed it incorrectly. And then my cat tore a

hole through the door and we also got a cat did you have a cougar and then he also tore off the paint and the primer of another door your cat was a jungle leopard dude see people think guys destroy stuff girls fuck shit up and like the thing is like a guy will put a put a hole in the wall he'll fix a hole a girl put a hole in the wall and then convince the apartment complex that it's their fault dude girl like a guy leaves a fucking cup of water out and girls freak out and then a girl just leaves a nest of her hair in the corner of the shower for two months and you're like what and she's like it's just nothing jesus dude dude girls have mind control on lock.

Girls are black cats. Girls are black cats. Welcome to my TED Talk. Hey, Benedict. How are you? Watch you on F Point Island. I'm from Long Island. And I'm interested in Island and I'm interested

in your love life right now and where you stand with Luis is that her husband? so many different characters in this voice message listen to the baby in the beginning maybe it's her baby I don't know maybe that's her husband hey Benedict how are you

watch you on F point island I'm from Long Island Maybe it's her baby. I don't know. Maybe that's her husband. Hey, Benedict. How are you? Hi. Watch you on F. Point Island. The baby said hi. I'm from Long Island. Husband at the end. And where you stand with Louise. It's definitely on TV, but we're going to keep pretending it's her husband.

Where I stand with Louise, we're cool. We're not together, but we cool. Everybody from the show is cool. My love life right now, I'm accepting applications. And when I say I'm accepting applications, I really mean pictures of your big toe. Oh, gosh. No.

Unless you want to. Yeah, send them to 317-420-6969. Fuck. That's 1-800-THA-HA-FUCK. That, again, is 1-800-THA-HA-HA-FUCK. That, again, is 1-800-THA-HA-HA-HA-FUCK. Yeah, all right. Got blackout drunk, lost my keys, had to kick my door in,

told them someone tried to break in, they replaced it, no questions asked. Well, all right, never mind. Never mind girls convincing the apartment complex that it's their fault. We got the homies doing it too. We're all pieces of shit. Man, I wish I could do that. That's like the skill I wish I had.

If I could do one thing. If I had one wish, it would to be kick down a door and convince my apartment that it was their fault, not mine. Bro, no way I could ever kick down a door, go up to somebody face to face and be like, this was not me. I look like I just kicked down a door all the time. I have strong dog running through door energy. That's me just blowing through doors. You ever just fuck up a screen door? Like it, like it's

like it's a summer night and it's like 9 30 and the screen looks just like outside and you just fuck that thing up man nothing like it you gotta at least do you gotta at least have one like i hit my head on a door in your life or grow up you haven't hit your head on a door you got a lot to learn buddy let me tell you let's keep going yo ben love the pod of fuck i know but anyways hold on back in college we I gotta hear this fuck one more time fuck I know but anyways back in college we ripped a stop sign out of the ground

and we carried that with a big ass cinder block of cement on the bottom of it and just smacking it up against the walls so for sure they had security cameras so I don't even know how we didn't uh go to prison or jail because it's i think it's illegal to rip one out of the ground but um yeah yeah so casual at the end yeah yeah that's it

i can see ripping a stop sign out of the ground when it's just in grass but dude if you take out a stop sign out of the ground when it's just in grass but dude if you take out a stop sign in cement who are you hanging out with oh just me and the five starting ohio state linemen cement on the bottom bro that's that's shit you find in like i am legend like that you know what i mean that's like some end of the world shit what's it what is it with guy why is it like a rite of passage for guys to like steal a sign when they're in college you just have to i did i did or a big ass traffic cone

because they're like you know they're like at night where they're like reflective and you're just like, oh, fuck. Yeah, bro. And guys love a challenge, too. So if somebody is like, you won't steal that sign. It's like, well, I know what I'm doing tonight. Stealing seven stop signs and probably going to jail. Everybody's stolen a stop sign, dude. In every college house, especially the college baseball house,

there's just fucking traffic signs on the wall. Men working. Yeah, Brad took that one. 2012, yeah. Oh, they were pissed. They were pissed. But then we just told him to stop. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Guys love stealing fucking signs, dude. Can't be a dude unless you steal a street sign that says something so dumb. With cement on the bottom. Dude, that's real shit right there cement how bad do you want to stop sign just keep going oh my god we're back again back back back back again i can just see that whole montage playing before this app. Anyways, I lived at an apartment for a couple years and then they just didn't ask me

to sign another lease and I just kept paying the same amount. That would happen to me. And yeah, four years later I found out that they had actually raised the rent by about $200 over the course of that time.

So why don't you just kick me out and make some money? What are you doing? Also, I had a neighbor that had a sign that said pumpkin spice and everything nice, and I literally saw both of them get arrested. I don't have a joke for that. That's just justice, man. Oh, dude. I think that's happening to me right now in my apartment.

I don't even think my apartment knows I live in my apartment. And the funny thing is I just bought $600 worth of moss to put in it. And I'm thinking about taking out a wall. I swear to God I can do anything in my apartment. Let's open floor plan this bitch, huh? Have a brothel. Derek, does anyone live up there? Oh, you'll hear it soon

no I literally bought so much moss for my apartment it's just all over the walls why do I have to say that in the sexiest voice of all time I don't really know you be the judge yeah but it's the most proud I've ever been of in my life anytime someone comes up to my apartment I just pretend it's the most normal thing

I'm like, oh yeah, that. I don't know. I got bored one day. No, I spent $600 on it. And it's the only thing I think about. What was the end of this? Oh my God, we're back again. Brothers, sisters, everybody say

hey. Why don't you just give some money? What are you doing? I had a neighbor that had a sign that said pumpkin spice and everything nice and I literally saw both of them get arrested. I don't have a joke for that.

That's just justice, man. Should be arrested for that sign. Where would it be? Pumpkin spice and everything. What'd they get arrested for? Hey, what'd they get arrested for? Bootleg Uggs? Oh, God.

Come on. That wasn't that great. But this dude, everybody knows who that was, right? It's anonymous. I'm'm not gonna say it but usually has uh the best johnson jokes that i've ever heard in my life johnson here all right let's keep going we got like four more i 100 should have gotten evicted out of my uh college apartment so one night my friends and i were playing pong lost all the balls i had a few like damaged ones at my place and then one guy at

the party's like dude you can literally just like take a lighter to like the dent and the dental just like pop out like no problem i'm like all right sick so i go back to my apartment i'm trying to do this and it's just not working so So I eventually like light the ball on fire and I toss it and I'm like, oh, fuck. And it starts like picking up in the corner of my apartment. So I'm like taking every fucking piece of clothing I have and like slamming this shit, trying to get out the fire. I finally put it out and there's like a baseball size, like black mark on the floor. Luckily I never got charged, but yeah but yeah that's it it's a hot

fuck yes that was a complete that was a great voice voice message he set it up he fucking knocked it down ended it with a cherry on top fuck that is the most 2009 frat boy thing ever. Almost burning down your house playing beer pong. Backwards hat. Fuck. Oh shit. Dude, the only thing that lasted, the only thing that escaped the fire was the, was the stop sign we stole in 2009. Fratboy demolition crew. Bro, how should we take down our neighbor's house? Yo, just punch holes in the drywall and throw PlayStation controllers at the wall.

House collapses in two seconds. Taha. Delta fee. house collapses in two seconds delta fee delta phenomenal job taking down our neighbor's house all right i need to go to sleep just kidding three more i should have been evicted when um i used a broom handle to try to kill a bug and put a hole through the ceiling and then my roommate um tried to patch it by making drywall out of flour and water so i guess you could say that was a half-baked idea scott This guy. Dude, who hasn't put a hole in their ceiling from a broomstick? If you haven't put a hole in your ceiling with a broomstick, you need to grow up.

It's 2022. I did that when I was in eighth grade, and oh my God, we were in my friend's basement. I just fucking, and it was a pool stick bro a blue dot on the ceiling from like the chalk on a pool stick she came downstairs what just hit the ceiling i was like oh she looks saw that shit i was like i threw a a shock tart up there. Shock tarts. Is it still around?

Anyway. Punctured the ceiling with a broomstick. Hell yeah. Tried to fill the hole with flour and water. You just come back like a day later and there's just a pancake on your ceiling. Breakfast is served. How would it ever stay up there? Flour and water.

He just tried to make paper mache. Oh God. Paper mache is the only thing I knew how to make. That's still the only thing I know how to make. Don't know how to make food. What can you make? An art project? Flower and water. It probably worked. I think the thing that I should be evicted for in my apartment that I haven't yet is smoking as much weed as I have and I don't have a med card or anything and the fact that I scream at every TV show that I watch because all I watch is reality TV.

Just high and screaming all night. Just sound like a smoke alarm. It really hurts. Her apartment is literally a smoke alarm. Just fucking alarm. It really hurt. Her apartment is literally a smoke alarm. This fucking smoky ass room. You hear me try to scream? Dude, I used to have that

high-pitched scream down. Now I can't even do it. Scream at reality TV shows. Don't watch F f boy island you won't scream you'll just never watch reality tv again no but for real i don't think you will because you can't watch f1 and then watch the bachelor it's like totally different shit why would you you ever watch? It's too serious. Who can watch The Bachelor?

I'd be like, this is fucking, this is no way. Watch me on it next year. It's ha ha. Yeah, but people that, there are so many people that smoke weed in apartments and they're like,

we didn't smoke. Dude, people that smoke weed in apartments. We didn't smoke. Dude, people that smoke weed always think that they don't smell like weed. It's like weed people, it's your whole personality is smelling like weed. Like that's how we know you're close. Hey, is Chad coming over? Yeah, he's down the hall.

Oh, yeah. Every time you get in a weed person... Weed people. Weed people. Weed people. Every time you get in a weed person's car, you're like, Jesus Christ, bro.

Rough day, huh? Yeah. Oh, my God. we're back again. Two more. So to answer your question, I don't live in an apartment, but I'm in a fraternity. Oh shit, I didn't mean to do that.

Wait, maybe I did, because that sounded crazy. Oh, no. Oh, no. We'll find it, right? We'll find it. Probably not. We'll find it.

It doesn't look like we're going to find it. Wait. Yeah, I don't know where that went whoopsies oh sorry bro how did that happen well um is this it so it's not something okay no hey bro i feel really bad yeah man shit sorry about that I don't know what happened little technical difficulties on my end we'll be back after the break

but hit me up next time for the quick question of the week I'll make sure I play it but yeah eviction stories not bad thanks fam for all the DMS and the, uh, the voice messages that shit makes the pod and you know that, and I appreciate it, but, uh, big things coming this weekend,

going to a haunted house. That's actually haunted making a video there. that's actually haunted making a video there. I'm terrified. I'll keep you posted on that. Remember, Benedict Merch in the bio. Benedictmerch.com. Get whatever you want.

And join the Patreon. Join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every week. Yo, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching FBoy Island. Thanks for watching the YouTube vids. Thanks for commenting extra episode every week. Yo, thanks for listening. Thanks for watching FBoyIsland. Thanks for watching the YouTube vids. Thanks for commenting.

Thanks for liking, doing all that stuff on social media because it literally means the world to me and it's all I think about because it's just what it is, man. And it's part of my life. Come out to the show soon. I'm going to put them on my website.

We might have something cooking. A little tour of life. But I'll let you guys know. I'll keep you updated. Thanks for everything, guys. I love you so much. Talk to you next week. I have found.

We'll see you next time. Bye.