Espresso - things you should get cancelled for

Episode Date: October 5, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to the things you should get canceled for (like having a farm in your apartment)🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

love this i get a dab pen for the first time and it hit me pretty hard you died um i ended up 69ing one guy giving another guy head yeah so it was it was a pretty eventful time what's up fam shot 283 espresso podcast i'm your mad kind of hungry girlfriend benny hey can we talk oh my god yeah he has he's the mucus queen today did you hear that dude something about having like a little mucusy cough just feels good you know i never get. It's always a dry scratchy, but today it's a real, it's a real slimy one. And yeah, are you, is everyone throwing up now? Yes. But that's how we like to start the pod. Get them out. Just throw up a little bit, but before we get started, Hey, we're dropping an espresso pod every other week on Patreon. So this week it's going to be on YouTube. It's going to be on

Spotify. It's going to be on Apple pods, but next week it'll be on Patreon. Then the week after that it's going to be on YouTube. It's going to be on Spotify. It's going to be on Apple pods in the week after that. It's going to be, but you know, we're alternating. You feel me? Because we got to grow. We got to grow the kiss club. That's just how it's got to go. And because my life depends on the Kiss Club over on Patreon. Because that's all I got. All I got is you, fam. And I love you guys. You guys show the love.

And remember, it's only $5 a month for that podcast. So until we go full Patreon pod, we're alternating. we go full patreon pod we're just we're alternating but uh also with that five dollars you get a little live stream every sunday night which might be the best best little segment best little time of my life dude the fam comes out it's just reckless and it's only five dollars so uh support your boy and obviously kiss me every day but until uh we go full patreon with the pod and like a lot of the content we'll we'll alternate like like i said 27 000 times because it's even confusing to me but we gotta do what we gotta do you know um subscribe leave a comment on youtube um leave a little rating review on Apple pots. You know,

you know, obviously kiss me every day, but let's talk. All right. We got to get the, got to get the, got to get the news out. Got to get the updates out. You know what else, you know, what just happened? This is big news. I just got verified on Snapchat and not that I like, I like who cares. I know. Cause who uses Snapchat kind of cringe, but your boy has had a Snapchat catfish for the last 18,000 years. And it's over for your bitch ass. I know you're watching. Yeah. So don't follow fucking Ben dot Polizzi on snapchat that's a straight up scammer the messages i've got from some of these girls insane he's making up shit like i'm opening for matt rife and giving him like fake tickets dude get a life catfish but i'm verified now so i don't know if you follow a random ben polizzi

benny polizzi benedict polizzi account that's not verified it's not me but um yeah it's benny polizzi on snapchat no periods no spaces no underscores that's the real me. But thank God that happened. Cause I'm not going to let that little fucker win. You know, like I was thinking about deleting Snapchat just cause it was like, you know, I don't have a Snapchat. It's not me, but I'm not going to let them win. So baby girl's verified now. It's all said and done. So happy. But let's get down to it. Hey, espresso question of the week.

What should you be canceled for? Everybody's done something, you know? I used to think about it all the time. Like if I ever became really famous, what's going to come up? Bro, I know there's some shit I've said on this podcast that will, that might, I'm going to have some explaining to do. It's not going to ruin me, but I've said some reckless shit on this podcast. And, um, I don't know. I don't know if

it deserves an apology, but dude, that that's why this podcast is great because we just say shit if you get it you get it who cares i know i've tweeted some shit like when i was uh like in college that kind of didn't matter because because the internet used to be kind of kind of like wild west you used to be able to do whatever you wanted but now dude you gotta chill but like facebook when it first started was popping like early to or early like like 0708 the things i said to people hopefully it's not there anymore we'll just say that but um what should have i actually been canceled for i actually did get canceled for a day and it was when I had this idea.

I was like, I've never seen anybody go to the gym dressed up as a woman and just like fucking throw some weight around. So I was like, why wouldn't I? So I put the wig on. Haven't put a wig on in a while. Kind of hurts. Kind of doesn't feel great.

I've got six wigs in my car right now. Put the wig on, threw the Gymshark hat on, had the tank, the shorts, the leggings. I had leggings on because you got to see this dumpster back here. And went off. And I went to a gym that was like a lot of younger people and they were in dude we're getting i was screaming i was thrown around like 225 on bench not to brag fuck but i was just like yeah it's just like a girl like gym prank it wasn't even a prank it

was obviously i wasn't a girl but i was like i just want to go to the gym and be a basic bitch and see how many dudes i can like kind of catch looking. Cause you know, people are going to be like, cause I, I'm going to be completely honest with you. I look better as a girl. I look way hotter as like a 35 year old single mom than I do right now. Way hotter. Remember the video of me like being a single mom and that dudes, who's not wifing that up. I'm way hotter as a girl. So I was like, all right, let's see how many people can look and see how many people we can catch, like checking out my ass or something like that. And we got a lot and it went well. And I made a whole YouTube video out of it, a whole TikTok and everything. Dude, but the trans community came for me.

And I had no idea what to do. Like, they were relentless. They were reporting, blocking, like, crazy shit. And my whole Instagram account got, like, deactivated. Like, everything stopped on it and i was like yo this is what being canceled is and they're like we like i posted other content like after it and they would comment on those videos and be like take that fucking video down and i'd be like dude i don't it's not that it's not i'm not trying to point at the trans community what is even happening

and i was sticking to my guns for a little bit then it was just way too overwhelming i was like you win i don't even know what this is about anymore like i just want to dress up as a basic bitch at the gym and i look kind of good but i took the video down and everything was cool. I was like, okay, all right. Sounds good. Guess I, guess that's what's happening now. Guess I can't dress, but then I dressed up as a girl later and nothing happened.

I don't know. I don't know. It's so confusing, but I did get canceled for like five minutes, maybe a day, five minutes. Maybe a day. Five hours? Yeah. Weird.

But I think the trans people like me now. Whatever. Yeah, interesting times. What else have I done that i should be canceled for i don't know if this counts but i like karate kick this girl that my mom used to babysit when i was like nine we're just saying it all i don't know i watch power rangers and shit and it just looked like a good idea but i don't know i was nine i don't even know if you can get canceled for that but i did it this is more like confessions what else did I do that was fucked up um

that's kind of it I'm kind of a bitch so I don't do much but what about you guys what's the thing you did that you should be canceled for here we go hey Benny boy so uh the thing that I would get canceled for for sure is definitely from this weekend. I fucking got my wife insanely. He's in a car wash. Amen. My sister at this bar that we met each other a million years ago. And I shot my shot with having a threesome with one of them.

I fucking love this guy. But it's all right. Thank God she was fucking blackout drunk. Remember it. Ha ha. Boom! Dude, I love you, but why are you in a snowplow right now? So he shot his shot. shot you gotta shoot your shot i'm learning that more and more i used to be a shy little bitch and i wouldn't ask anybody anything

but if you shoot your shot people have no people don't even give a fuck what's the biggest shot you've ever shot that's the that's the next question of the week what's the biggest shot you've ever shot i'm not really a shot shooter i kind of stay on the low but i've been doing it lately and i don't give a shit so my boy got asked for the threesome got shot down you gotta do what you gotta do but i don't think it's up to the dude. You know? I think if you're going to have a threesome with two girls, they're initiating the confirmation. Dudes have no say.

It's all, like, if your girl's down for that, she's going to do it. She's going to do the groundwork. She's going to do the reaching out. No dude in the history of any threesome has been like, you know what we're doing tonight

having a threesome that's never happened i love you oh my god what is happening i'm sorry if that so now everyone heard my mucus cough and everyone's ears are bleeding from that voice messages but we don't care because it's fam. If you're inside a tractor engine and you got to leave a voice message, this is what we do, babe. It's what we do. Canceled for...

Yeah, he might have gotten... His marriage might be canceled for a little bit. But if you're down with it, if you're down with a threesome, you got to let Shorty know. Like, hey, this is on my mind right now. Wouldn't you want to know? Like, every time I've ever been in a relationship,

I've always want to know what the girl's actually thinking. So I'm like, are you really being honest with me right now? What do you really like? Because I don't believe anybody. And that's a red flag, but I don't believe anybody when they say anything. I'm like, there's no way. Especially in a relationship because there's too much on the line yeah i don't know but i would want to know you know i don't think

that's cancelable offense if i went to my girl and i was like yo i want to have a threesome i'd be like i'd expect her to be like absolutely not but But I'm glad you told me that. So I know where your head is. I always take the high road on some bullshit. But you can't get mad at that, you know? Let's keep going. I mean, this is a dying kid. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. This is going to sound so bad.

One time, the Nebraska Cornhusker football team put a kid with like stage nine brain cancer into their spring football game. And just like let him trot down the field for a touchdown. I made a video. Yes. Like I was a fan. Yes.

Who didn't know this was staged. And so I'm getting pissed off. So bad, but so good. Because they're not tackling him so i'm like somebody hit him put a helmet on his ass hit that fucker i'm just like losing my mind because they're just letting this player go down the field hit that piece of shit it's a kid with cancer oh my god dude it's funny the funniest shit is very very dark because everybody's thinking that man if there's a kid with like i don't know special olympics type beat who's running down the field

you're like what if somebody just laid that motherfucker out, right? Everybody, if you, if you are a, if you have any type of brain, you're thinking that you could be the Pope. I swear to God, that would cross the Pope's mind. If he's in the press box, like, yeah, what if somebody really fucking jack that kid out of bounds though? If you're not thinking like that, get off of here. Get off this podcast. Delete it. Delete it. Because we only think about fucked up shit.

Our whole brand on the Espresso podcast is intrusive thoughts. It's what we're all about. Somebody lay that kid out screaming for someone to lay his ass out that's crazy I will say in my defense I think what they did to this kid was super exploitative

and I still can't believe they put him in a football game crazy like what if one guy didn't get the memo right and he just rocks him i mean that'd be a lawsuit right oh they're done for at that point you know he wouldn't have scored but he still reached the end zone. Damn you! This guy. Perfect. Perfect voice message.

Cancelable offense. But is it going to get some views? Absolutely. That's the best shit. The best shit is when you're like, man, am I going to go to jail for this? But if I don't, it's popping off. I thought I was going to get canceled for a home boys video that when I interviewed him on the circle and he was all high and shit. I'm fine.

I'm pretty glonky. Dude, I debated for like a week if i was gonna put that out like i reached out to like my sister who is not good at giving advice she'll say no to absolutely everything but i still ask her because there's a wild card in there somewhere but i ask certain people i'll be like yo is this too fucked up to put out like am, am I exploiting this person? Because I was like, I don't know. He's like really high and maybe there's something wrong with him. Like, I don't even know. And I could like look like a big fuck for putting this guy on camera.

And then one day I was like, man, he was having a good time though. So fuck it either way. And that video, that video doesn't even belong to me anymore that video has a million views on youtube and it's like it gets reposted a lot and i don't even get tagged and i'm like yeah i didn't even i'm good i don't even care like it's it's done it's run its course for me but that just goes to show you sometimes you just gotta post shit because who knows man did i think that video was gonna do that absolutely not i didn't even know if it was that good i was just like dude's just fucked up but then when you start to like really look at it and listen to it you're like

wow this dude is on another planet that's the secret spice to a viral video it's got to be a little fucked up it's got to be a little like am i gonna get in trouble for this like if you post a video and you don't think that it's probably not gonna do that well and do i do that all the time? Yes. Just keep going. What should have you been canceled for? So this is back in like 2020 when people were losing their mind with politics and shit. There's a local politician and there was a meme on Facebook that had a picture of them next to a cartoon.

And basically anyone, it was funny and basically anyone who commented underneath it saying like that was funny or like that's true these people were going after them and like trying to get them literally canceled or fired from their jobs and i commented under to under it saying like haha that is funny is funny. They do look like him. I had this bitch literally. She was like, I'm going to get you fired from your job. Do it. She starts like posting like the picture of my Facebook trying to figure out who I am and where I work. And apparently she found someone who knew who I was.

I was told him like what I do and I work for like a private sector. There's no way that anyone can ever get me fired unless I quit, basically. But I was just like, fuck. So I almost got canceled by saying that someone looked like a cartoon character. Which is hilarious. I don't care. Fuck him. It didn't get him anywhere.

It was funny, though. That's the scum of the earth right there can we just be funny god it's so it looks so much better if you if you someone if you get roasted and you go go off like that and you get mad you look like a fucking idiot can we just are people not aware enough to see this when you get roasted and you get mad guess what you're a bitch obviously new law when you get roasted guess what it's a hundred percent true i kind of like getting roasted because it's like, what do I not know about myself that I

should be aware of? Roast me. Ooh, that could be a good question too. Give me your best roast. For me, it's that, um, for me, it's that I'm a total scam. I'm a scam. My appearance is a scam for sure. Two spray tans a week. Stretching out my small eye.

Low-key fake teeth. Just some of them. Hair transplants, too? I'm scammy Sosa. But I know there's something else. Roast me? Roast me for an espresso question of the week? That'd be kind of nice.

Should we do it? I don't know. Tell me in the comments. Dude, because like, I don't know what happened to me last week. Last week I was, I was down bad. Maybe the baddest I've ever been.

My teeth got broken by a pizza roll that wasn't frozen. My eye was just, what, what was that? There was a, there was a fucking different species in my eye. There was a grub under my eyelid. Every morning I woke up, it was like a science experiment on my eye, which I kind of liked, you know, when shit gets kind of gross on your body and you're like i kind of like it though that was my eye every morning just i don't know what was it pus is there a worse word than pus honestly i i know like there's moist gang out there that hates the word moist but pus is so much worse than moist. And I don't know, I got sick too.

I'm like, what happened? Did someone just complete, did someone sit on my face and just blast away when I was sleeping? Because my teeth are gone, my eyes swollen, and I'm a mucus queen. What happened in my life, dude? Let's keep going, though, because these are good.

I like this cancel. What should have you been canceled for? Let's keep going. Honestly, the thing I did that What should you been, what should have you been canceled for? Let's keep going. Honestly, the thing I did that I should have been canceled for was pick off fucking F boys. Who the fuck does that? Honestly,

I'm so confused. I didn't see the red flags or anything. I was just, I don't know. Kind of a familiar voice. But I feel you, girly. I get it! Put myself in her shoes.

You know, if I'm on a show called FBoy Island and I'm the girl that's picking from the guys, sometimes the nice guys, they're all F-Boys, you know, in the end. So you're not too wrong there. Every single guy on a show called F-Boy Island,

nice guy or F-Boy is an F-Boy. I was a nice guy on a show called f boy allen nice guy or f boy is an f boy i was a nice guy on that show but i mean you can only be nice for so long like did i want to just fucking uh roast everybody there to their face absolutely but i was a nice guy. So I couldn't, so it's not that bad of a thing. In your situation, you, yeah,

you have no guarantee for the money for the show, the prize money. They could, the F-Boys could take it all, so yeah, I get that. But sometimes the nice guy thing sometimes those dudes can be worse than the actual F boys but real recognize real you know should you been canceled for that probably ending up with all f f boys

i mean you got something going on you know you got something going on if you end up with all f boys you're kind of like you're kind of like... You're kind of... You're looking for trouble. That's how a lot of girls are, though. You like... You like the bad fucking boys. Nothing wrong with it.

But on a game show, when there's money on the line, you probably shouldn't... Yeah yeah you should be canceled for that let's keep going what should you have been canceled for so when i was in high school i was pretty quiet kind of kept myself and somehow ended up hanging out with this guy and all of his friends and staying the night at his house love this I get a dad pin for the first time and it hit me pretty hard. You died? I ended up 69ing one guy, giving another guy head. Yes!

So it was a pretty eventful time. So the Monday after that weekend at school, I thought I was going to get there and everybody was going to be making fun of me and talking about me but when I got there everyone was like hell yeah and I was like what that is definitely something I should have been canceled for like that is not something I'm proud of that's insane I love you guys for just going off on these voice messages it's anonymous babe say what you need to say but um yeah i'd expect the worst out of that but off a dab pen you were acting freaky like that off a dab pen i've taken taken a dab. Guess what? I couldn't even walk. I think that's the last thing I'd do on a dab pen. I'd hit a dab pen and go to sleep for

six and a half days. And you're out here getting sat on. Dude, good for you for having friends that had your ass at school i would be so embarrassed to go to school if i did that i would think that the principal i'd have to go down to the office on some on some never been so embarrassed in my life shit remember when girls would get in trouble for their nudes circulating in high school that's so embarrassing like shorty didn't know nudes in high school is so different what i didn't even know that was a thing i've sent one nude in my life and it wasn't even a nude it was to like it was definitely into a catfish too i was like a

freshman in college had no idea what was going on like tried to take like a sexy pic imagine me trying to take a sexy pic what i might be the least sexiest person of all time no idea picture quality no clue sent it off my little happy ass like nothing would happen it was definitely to a catfish so whoever has that picture of me send it in um yeah you should have been canceled for that no doubt and you got praised for it? What high school did you go to? I know at the high school

I went to that that shit would have got... You would have got suspended for giving head. What'd she get suspended for? $3,000? $3,000? Couple more. I love you, Milky Boy.

Whoa. Okay, so this isn't really that bad, but I should have been canceled by... What's that fucking animal group? PETA. PETA. PETA. PETA. Damn, PETA pita bread sounds good i know it i just thought about those bastards because in college i legitimately had a farm in my freaking apartment

you kicked the chicken two three months maybe this girl and i we were uh we were dating and basically she worked at a rescue farm so every animal went there afterwards for the wreck, for the record. But we went through three dogs, two ducks, Callie and Tito. They're cute as shit, side note. Five chickens, a snake, a rabbit, and then a mini pig. We went through all that in about two and a half months' time. And again, they all went to the rescue farm afterward. But probably should be canceled by PETA for that. i the anus gives the anus uh yeah that's about it i gotta hear this again

damn peter print sounds good anyway should have been canceled by those bastards because in college i legitimately had a farm in my freaking apartment throughout the course of two, three months maybe, this girl and I we were dating and basically she worked at a rescue farm so every animal went there afterwards, for the wreck, for the record but we went through three dogs, two ducks Callie and Tito, they're cute as shit, side note, five chickens, a snake a rabbit, and then a mini pig we went through all that about two and a half months time and again they all went to the rescue

farm afterward but probably should be canceled by pita for that but i think dude so you just had a bunch of different pets am i hearing this right so shorty worked at a rescue farm you dated her and you would just take the the animals from the rescue farm and just chill with them in the crib just imagine sitting on a couch watching monday night football and two ducks are next to you that's the only thing I want. Is two ducks to sit next to me. Netflix special? Be an actor in Hollywood?

No. Two ducks. All I want is two ducks sitting next to me, and that's it. Dude, if I had a genie, I swear to God, that genie would be like, are you sure?

And I'd be like, a hundred percent. Two fucking ducks? How sexy are ducks? Ducks look like they went to a, like a, a paint shop. Just look at, next time you see a duck, just look at it. Next time you see a duck, just look at that shit.

It's the sexiest goddamn thing you've ever seen. There's like a blue little tip on their fet. I'm just like, could you look any better? But they had snakes, a mini pig. I wouldn't mind having a

mini pig at the crib. Imagine you come home and a mini pig comes I wouldn't mind having a mini pig at the crib. Imagine you come home and a mini pig comes up to you. Mini pigs are not bad. Big pigs? Go to hell. A snake, though. I couldn't with a snake. Three dogs, he said.

That sounds like a fucking nursery rhyme. Okay, Old McDonald. three dogs he said that sounds like a fucking nursery rhyme okay old mcdonald yeah you should have been canceled for that on some weird shit you know you ever hear like uh somebody get can't or somebody like go to jail or get arrested and you're like i didn't know you couldn't do that like that's one of those things i think he was arrested for taking animals from a animal shelter and chilling with him at his apartment no harm done i'd be like i didn't know you couldn't do that i feel like that's half the reason people get arrested because they don't even know i think about that when people like, when some people like, they like die from certain like weird reasons,

you know? I'm like, he just had no fucking idea. You know, like when people are like, yeah, he died. You hear the story for the first time that someone died by having their car running

while their garage was closed i'm like that's just a good fucking idea like he didn't want to be cold i remember doing that when i was like 10 my mom was like scurrying around the house getting ready for school and shit she was about to take me there we were kind of running late it was freezing outside and i went in the garage started the car and closed the door and i was like i mean this is gonna be perfect i'm gonna warm the car up while my mom's freaking out and then we can just dip with a warm car should have been dead but like when people die from that i'm like yeah no shit that's just a good idea who wouldn't know people don't know shit i don't know anything i cannot believe i'm still alive somebody commented that on one of my instagram posts

one time they're like i have no idea how you're still alive and i was like i completely agree i should have been dead fucking 10 years ago just for like what did i do i i feel like just something a rock should have fell on my fucking head or something like that or i should just be hit by like a penny going 70 million miles an hour guy who should have been dead 10 years ago um yeah what's another one of those like mystery deaths you know what like how would you know like who what is it like the curling iron in the bathtub like homies just just trying to kill two birds with one stone kill

toaster in the bathtub that's just a whole different thing you know toaster in the bathtub is like the og way to kill yourself which is crazy i mean i guess you have both of those materials at your house. Pretty easy access. But that's like, dude, that's like number one way. Toaster in a bathtub? It's a great podcast. But yeah, my boy had a farm in his apartment. Just random animals coming through.

I wonder if that's like animal trafficking. Is that a thing? I bet they would get you for that animal trafficking lock them up i'm like let's keep going i have never admitted this out loud i love it but i should have been canceled probably when i almost drowned my sister in the pool. Listen, I convinced her that if she put her pool floaties on her ankles, she would be able to walk on water. Hilarious. No, I was nine. I was minimally versed in the effects of physics and gravity.

Yep. But I knew exactly what was going to happen. And much to my amusement, when she stepped out into the pool, the weight of her body completely folded over and sunk with her feet stabilized by the floaties above her head, just as I expected. Now, was I delighted to see my hypothesis work out? Yeah. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Did I enjoy the sight of my sister thrashing around to find air? Of course not. I'm not crazy. Yeah, you did. Yeah, you did. I saved her. Don't lie. and my parents praised me for it and i was a hero but i should have been canceled and probably evaluated great voice message great voice but you know i'm sorry i'm. I'm sorry. This is inhumane. But you know, when she was like, you knew it was going to be okay. That's why it's not that crazy.

When she fucking flipped upside down, you're probably like, oh, but that's the end of that's the end of it being funny. You know, then you got to save her. the end of it being funny you know then you gotta save her but everybody's got the you gotta see you gotta see what happens you know shorty flips upside down in the pool with her with the floaties on the ankles it probably looked hilarious because she's alive this is about to be crazy last one now what happened if something happened to me like that in the pool or i was like i should have died oh um i don't know if this is cancelable but i told no it's not because i told my friends to do it i was like close the pool cover on me because that's my big my biggest fear is to be locked like under a pool

no that's not my biggest fear. But when the pool cover goes over the pool and you're still in it, like how long can I survive? And how come shit gets so much scarier when you're swimming around and it's dark? Right when that pool cover hit that and I was under it and it hit like the last little and it stopped completed. I was like, somehow there's 10 sharks in here. Why? Why?

It's a nice day outside and I'm swimming. This is great. 8 p.m. comes around and it gets dark and I'm swimming. There's 16 killer whales in the pool. Why? Why am I still scared of the dark? Actually, I think everybody's a little scared of the dark right like think about the toughest person you know that's not um your dad

are they scared of the dark yeah a little bit i just thought about the rock is the rock scared of the dark i think he is like you think the rock's going the rock scared of the dark? I think he is. Like you think the rock's going into a haunted house and not getting scared? I think the rock's just going into a, like okay, you go to your home, you go home, your home. The lights won't turn on.

You're telling me you're not gonna fucking wait outside in your car? You're gonna chill in the house and call 911 or whatever the fuck? The electricity guy? No. Everyone's scared of the dark. Let's keep going. Yo, yo, yo, Benny boy.

Okay, here's my story, man. I went to grad school. I love this. To a school with a very, very heavy Asian student population. Like, first time American. First time in the U.S. I love this. It's Zazazuo Bingxiling, but you can call me Peter. So very, very drastic name difference. I love this guy. From Chinese, like their American name. So when it came to my turn, I'm an international student myself, so. Can't wait.

When it came to my turn, I went ahead and said, you know, fake name. My name is Robert, but you can call me Xinyuan. Xinyuan. Luckily, everyone laughed, though, but it should have been canceled with that, bro, for sure. Yo, that's the one. That's the one. That's how we fuck around on the

espresso pod. That's the one right there, yo. That's how you do it. that's how you do it that's how you do it you make it so funny that you can't get canceled that's hilarious man i'm sure i've said some shit like that but but it was not that funny. Thank you, dog. Oh! What a great story. What a team. What an effort.

Thank you for the voice messages, fam. Things you should have been canceled for. And if you think of shit other weeks that you're like, damn, I should have said that one, just send it in anyway. We'll have a little free-for-all podcast. Anything you want to say, just say it in anyway we'll have a little we'll have a little free for all free for all podcast anything you want to say just say it espresso question of the week just say it just say anything sounds a little desperate holy shit man you guys came through i didn't know how that one was gonna work when i posted

that question i was like nobody's gonna do this because obviously it's anonymous baby girl you say whatever you want on this podcast that's why we're here all right so what else um cringe moment of the week cringe moment of the week all right how about this dude i have a show over the weekend i am i've never been this nervous to do a show i have no idea why but i've got two shows on friday night i am dreading it. And I dread every time I do anything because that's normal, right? This podcast didn't, I am dreading it. Right now it's fine because we're in the game. But before it starts, I would rather die. I'd rather jump out of a fucking window than do this. But once you get locked in, it's all good, babe.

So I'm at this, I am freaking out the entire day. I'm like walking around my apartment spazzing. Like I'm taking naps and shit because I don't want to be, I don't want to think about it. It's just on my mind. I'm like, fuck. I think it's because I haven't, I haven't featured. I haven't featuring meaning doing 30 minutes on

stage I haven't done that in a long time because your boy was grounded you know it's just one of those things that's like yo it's my worst fear to do stand up and forget something like I have nightmares about it I'll be like did I say me did I say nightmares put a bullet in my head i have nightmares about it like i'll be on stage forget some shit and then it'll just like it oh it's it's throw up worthy but i was freaking out about it and i do the show and some for some reason i hate i i would only say this to you guys dude i crushed and i never do well i like to think i don't because i you know you can always do better but i was like i did not think that was gonna happen and i got the second show after it so i'm feeling good dude got one under my belt feel good about it next show's in like 30 minutes.

Go on stage. It's not as good, but it's still okay. I'm still a little proud of myself. Girl comes up to me after the show. Hey. And this is a girl that I couldn't like crack the whole entire show. Because you're looking at the crowd and like people are laughing. People are not laughing.

And you try to get everybody to laugh. There's this one dude that's just like stone face and i'm like i gotta get him actually got him once then there's this girl that's just not she's so out on everything and she's almost like making fun of me and i'm like fuck like maybe i'm not her cup of tea or whatever you know whatever but i should at least be able to get her once once and i was like man maybe like maybe she just knows something about me that like maybe she knows like my ex or something like that you know just one of those things where i'm like i cannot break this girl and then uh after the show she like, hey, my husband's like a huge fan of yours.

And I was like, yeah. Oh, fuck yeah. So why were you being like that the whole show? But she goes, and if he came tonight, he would have been really disappointed. C-c-c-cringe moment of the week. I was like, why?

We watched you on f y island and you're like super genuine and on stage just didn't see it i was like who are you the final boss of stand-up it was amazing i love some feedback after a show and that i mean that's the most honest shit of all time i was like how was i not that's crazy to me because everything i said was true but i love you for the feedback that one that's a reality check i was like damn damn damn damn damn damn oh hey something else cringe dude i love sometimes you just gotta live in the cringe because it can tell you a lot all right so the next night saturday night this past saturday i'm cat calling in broad ripple indiana on the corner just like always you guys have might have seen the videos dude no one if people keep coming up to me and no one thinks it's me

everybody that night not everybody probably like but five people five people that night which is insane come up to me and they're like they think i'm impersonating me. They're like, you're not the real cat calling guy. And I'm like, you know, I'm not going to be like, yeah, I am. So I'm like, why can't I not be? Why am I not the real guy? You know, I'm just like doing that. It was insane. So like now I feel like, and they were dead serious serious there was like no wavering they're

just like you're not him you're not the fucking cat calling guy what's your name i was like benedict like at this point i'm like am i not the real guy like i'm starting to believe that shit and i'm like they're like where do you live? I was like, downtown. This girl's like, you're not the guy. I was like, why not? It was wild. Whatever.

Kind of crazy, right? Why am I not the guy? Oh, is it because I look exactly like the guy that's in the videos that does them? The balls I would need to have to impersonate that guy in the same spot that he does it is crazy. But yeah, that was cringey, cringe moment of the week. cringey, cringey moment of the week. They thought I was impersonating myself. Goddamn. What else? Dear diary, dear diary. I was at the dentist's office for 17 hours. All right. You guys know what happened. That's all I've been talking about is how I broke my tooth on a pizza roll.

Yo. Ate a pizza roll, tooth snapped in half. Wasn't the same for a week. I call the dentist. I'm like, dude, my tooth is broken. They bring me in. First'm like, dude, my tooth is broken. They bring me in the, first of all, how come every dentist and doctor's office isn't, is booked out until July, 2026. I'm like, are you serious? This is insane. If you go, if you go try to get a doctor's appointment right now,

you won't get one until Eastern six years. i'm like okay let me put me on the cancellation list because like holy shit and uh so the only time to get there like i was they called me the same day they're like can you get here in six minutes and i'm like no but i'll try and they're like all right so i get there in 20 minutes and they're like, Hey bro, your whole entire bridge in your mouth snapped in half. And I'm like, sorry. And they're the ones that put the bridge in there in the first place. So I'm like, kind of your fault. But, um, what do I do now? And the dentist dentist comes in, you know, there's like, there's like dental assistants they're talking to me then the dent the final boss comes in she's like hey um your teeth shouldn't

break like that especially if we put them in there so we're we're gonna give you a new entire new bridge in your stupid little slut mouth for free and i'm like no way i've never gotten anything for free in my life shut up what's the catch she's like nothing it just shouldn't break i'm like okay when can i come in she's like we're closed until next week i'm like i can't do that because i gotta go to la and she's like all right we're closed tomorrow but i'll do this for you this has never happened to me before especially in like the dentist and doctor field because they're not flexible because they're not real people dentists and doctors work like this and they're only open from 10 a.m till 5 p.m and you have to make an appointment 17 years ago and we can't help you at all if you're not in our

system right dude this dentist lady goes you know what fuck it come in tomorrow at 7 a.m me and shorty will be here and we'll do it and i was like really and she's like yeah 7 a.m you down i was like i've never been more down for anything in my life so i scream over there at fucking 6 30 Almost don't make it because I'm an idiot. There's two people in the dentist's office and they just get me right. And I'm there for set in the first question she asked. I sit down in the dentist chair and I'm like, fuck, let's get it. And she's like, all right, do you want a blanket? And I'm like, does my bitch ass want a blanket? Is that even a question? Don't ask questions. You know, the answer to throws a blanket on me, does some work,

rips the tooth out, numbs me up. How about when dentists do that little pull on your lip thing when they're numbing you this thing? I might have the weakest fucking teeth of all time. How I swear to God, half of my stories on this podcast are about being at a dentist. But yeah, she gets me right. We get numbed up. They rip the tooth out

and then they're baking the little bridge thing. They put it in their little easy bake oven and she comes up to me and she goes, hey, it's going to be like an hour. Do you want another blanket? And at this i'm like i love you i've never felt so cared for in my entire life throws another blanket on me i'm just fucking in my zone they snap the bridge in after like two hours glue it up in there and she hits me with this she's like benedict when is the last time you had a teeth cleaning and i'm like oh is that like the dental version of being like you look really tired today you know and i'm like is it really fucked up she goes it's bad

like you know like that the build-up on the back back like let me see your that that's my new thing this is my new thing when i meet somebody to tell if they're a total piece of shit or not let me see the inside of your bottom teeth i don't know what happens with me but your boy collects a lot of bullshit right here. And I think we've done this on the podcast before. Dude, take a picture of the inside of your, the bottom of your teeth. Disgusting. Revolting.

It looked like there were Cheetos packed down on the inside of my bottom row teeth. Like right here, just a cheese, like 14 cheese puffs. He's got Cheeto mouth. Yeah, you know that guy? Polite cat calling guy from FBoy Island? He's got Cheeto, Cheeto teeth. I got Cheeto teeth. And I'm like, what do I need? She she goes when can you come in next i'm like i

have no fucking idea but i'm down to do it right now if you are she goes lock it in she gives me a new fucking three teeth up here because i look homeless without them and then cleans the cheetos off my teeth and I'm like I love you for free what hey Jenny niece family dentistry in Zionsville Indiana all I'm saying and they didn't tell me to do that at all but like yeah they they they got their shit together in there so good They got their shit together in there. So good. Oh, dude, the back of my bottom row of teeth. This is what you do.

You put your flash on and just fucking take pictures because you will be shocked what's in there there's a fucking paper clip there's a fucking hearing aid down there it's like mary poppin's bag there's a hole puncher just school supplies i'm like what there's a bunch of peanut butter i'll pull out i'll pull out a fucking a of ants. There's so much going on down there. So much going on. You guys want to do a show and tell real quick? What's in the front pocket of my bag? These mini sunglasses. Cause duh, never know when you're gonna need them uh this ring that tom carnifax wore on f by island season two and threw on the beach and immediately when we were done doing that scene i ran down to the beach to try to find

it and somehow i found this shit it's probably the the actually the most impressive thing i've ever done finding this in the sand on a beach and i've never been more determined to do something in my life found it and didn't tell anybody And there was a whole search party for it after. Like HBO people were like digging, like trying, like probably got one of those, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, one of those things. And I just had it in my stupid ass hand.

In two quarters. What's in this bitch? Altoids because I'm insecure and I've gird we know we know uh vape charger i don't vape but everybody every single person i know vapes so they they give me their vapes and i'm like i swear i swear to god i'm like i'm like eight people's friends just because i have their vapes in my bag that's how it goes but yeah that's that's what's in my bag i really have nothing in my bag which is impressive usually there's just a collection of bullshit two days of the week real quick then we'll shut up forever thursday today do something nice day um just tell somebody the truth that's all that means i think that's the nicest thing you can do

as a person is actually just be straight up with somebody and be like yo you got you got like stop beating around the bush man yeah you're gonna hurt some people's feelings but just it helps so much and i hate people that don't understand that like one time i came off stage and my best friend derrick was like dog your setups are fucking garbage and your transitions were so bad. And I was like, thank you? Like other people would take that offensively? Dog, if you're taking that shit personally, you're an idiot and you're never going to get better at what you do.

So just be honest with someone. That's the nicest thing anyone could say to me, honestly. Where would I be without that? I'd be a piece of shit that still had bad setups and transitions. But you got to choose your battles with that one. Because some people might not get it. But if they're fam, they do.

If they're listening to this podcast, give somebody some real fucking advice. If they get it, they get it. And if they don't get it, tell them not to subscribe to this joint. Friday. Going on an hour. Look at us. Huh? Wow. I hate it when people say that.

National Noodle Day. Kind of don't like noodles. But I'm starving right now. I'm so hungry I just did it. National Noodle Day. Kind of don't like noodles, but I'm starving right now. I'm so hungry, I'm not hungry anymore. That ever happen to you? I'm so hungry. All I've eaten today?

Four eggs. Four eggs and four coffees. I really need to do better with my diet, but like, you know when you just don't have, like what am I supposed to do? I don't have any fucking time to stop and eat a big fucking nutritious meal. And you have to go to bed earlier i was doing shit last night you know

sometimes you just don't i don't know what it is i just i just can't find the time to like eat actual shit i don't know what to i don't know what to tell you like you know how um serious you have to be to eat three meals a day? Who's eating three meals a day? In what world do you have time and energy and effort and money and resources to eat three meals in one day? You better be in the army or at like a camp because nobody that's doing anything important is eating three meals, three meals a day with snacks and shit. Shut up. No, it's not happening.

I might not ever happen again in my life. Body language day I don't speak Spanish Japanese or French dude the biggest body language tell ever and I think it's 100% accurate is when somebody touches their nose when somebody touches their nose

dude they are full of shit and it's every time every time it's so obvious i'm like dude i mean i'll i'll call people out for it if someone's touching their nose and talking to me i'm like can you stop lying now because i know you are i know you why is it your nose i swear to god when i was before i knew this was a thing touching your nose meant you're lying i talked to somebody in a dick sporting goods for 10 minutes and i did this the whole time and what did i do for that whole 10 minutesied about everything because I didn't want to talk to him anymore. Yeah, uh-huh.

Yeah, I'm probably going to leave here in a second. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know what I'm doing tonight. I have no idea. Is my mom here? Nah, I would never go to the mall with my mom. That's lame. She's like around the fucking corner looking at tennis rackets and shit. I'm like, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

No, I don't i don't like that girl i would never like a girl ew no way oh that's what she said about me that's crazy i never said that either oh am i gonna jump off the second balcony when we're done here actually yes i am didn't lie saturday yeah don't touch your nose when you talk to people i know you kind of know that but like um if i'm picking up on it it's a problem. And he's burping and he's having a stroke. National Frappe Day.

We've had this talk before. If you're getting a Frappuccino, you're just getting a milkshake. No further discussion. Yeah, but it's... Nope. You have no bone in your... You have no solid bone in your body if you go to Starbucks and get a Frappuccino.

You are out to lunch permanently. You know those people that don't do anything seriously? They get Frappuccinos. I'm like, in what world are you getting a Frappuccino on a Wednesday at fucking 11 a.m.? It better be the last day on earth for you because do something else or your birthday. I can see getting a frappuccino on Christmas Eve, but yo, unbelievable. Sunday. And then we're out of here, babe. Fluffernutter day. Oh, you know what I've

been doing? I have completely substituted bread for waffles. I love waffles. I love waffles. I will put, I will go out of my way to have a sandwich. I will make a turkey sandwich with two waffles on it. Why wouldn't I? So much better than bread. Am I being kind of cunty? God, okay, I am. I just figured out I am. But waffles all day.

A PB, this is what my fat ass meant. Show and tell what I had to eat the other day. Because I don't speak Spanish, Japanese, or French. But the way that body moving, it doesn't really make sense. Hey, that's what my fat ass had the other day. This was my moment, okay? A waffle, peanut butter, and jelly,

and I dipped the edges in sprinkles. Your boy. That's what I'm talking about right there. That's that late night shit. God, I'll never stop. It was so good. I don't know. It said undo duplicate. But if I can tell you anything, it's do a PB&J on waffles and put sprinkles. I will put sprinkles on anything. My little zesty ass. Dude, I swear to God, from the hours of 11 p.m. to midnight, I'm the zestiest little piece of shit you'll meet. I'll put sprinkles on anything. Sprinkles and waffles. Yeah, that's a wrap on 283. I love you guys so much. Subscribe to the Patreon.

Live stream every Sunday. I'm going to be in LA. I should have said this at the beginning of the show, but I'm going to be in LA at the Hollywood Improv. Oh shit. You know what? I've got a show Thursday in LA too. I think it's at a brewery. I'll update you on my Instagram, but shows are coming up. Big shit's coming up. We got spelling bee dropping. We got cat calls dropping. I love you guys so much. Thank you so much for the voice messages. If I could kiss you guys, you know I would. Tell a homie.

Tell your boo about the podcast. Only if they get it though. There's only a select few that get it that are psycho like us. Thank you so much, guys. I love this pod. I love you. And remember, you gotta kiss me every day, please, please. Talk to you guys next week.