Espresso - things you should've gotten in trouble for

Episode Date: April 28, 2022

↓ 𝐌𝐓𝐕 𝐂𝐑𝐈𝐁𝐒 𝐃𝐈𝐕𝐎𝐑𝐂𝐄𝐃 𝐃𝐀𝐃 👨🏻 (𝐟𝐮𝐥𝐥 𝐯𝐢𝐝) https://youtu.be/Js_n4P3-4mM 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽����𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's something you should've gotten in serious trouble for? (like setting up a nativity scene on the interstate) 86 NEWS reports on a 'GHOST DOG' running around a fully secured backyard then Ben realizes all guys want to do is pee outside and figures out geese are snakes with wings, then he talks about his worst subway experience of all time 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Late Night Express Shot 208 I knew my throat was gonna make a goddamn noise Yeah, uh huh That's right, haha Coco Yeah So fresh, so clean

That's right Okay Now you see me Now you dance Lil Coco so fresh and so clean That's right He pop right out of the shower Girl you fine

Yeah, yeah You wonderful kind Like I like my shampoo Like my conditioner Real soft but actually kind of silky bitch uh you fine girl you like tresemme and I'm like oh la la yeah uh-huh I only win I don't take no loriel's you heard me yeah in the back of the shower I like it wet, I'm kinda dirty Yeah, I like some head with my shoulders

Say what? Uh, yeah, yeah I'll fruit-tissue on that lung, baby Call me Garnier Uh, yeah, Coco Uh, that's right Uh, uh You cute, that's right, uh, uh You cute girl, I'm in love with your face

Yeah, I'm a fiend for ya Yeah, then I asked her what her name was She looked at me and said, Coco, my name is Neutrogena. Coco. Shut up. Shut up. I hate it. I'm an idiot. Oh, God. Shot 208. What's up? What's up, fam? Yo, Late Night Express is back. I haven't been up this late. Actually, yeah, I have, but I haven't been up this late doing a podcast in a minute. Oh, shit. I know some weird is going to walk past this door.

It's going to scare the shit out of me. I'm not going to say anything on this podcast for like 20 minutes straight. It happens every time. It happens every time when I record it to a motherfucking name. All right. Remember to join the Patreon for one extra espresso episode every single week. It goes hard over there on Patreon. Remember to join for your boy.

It's only five bucks. You know what I mean? Got vids dropping. Thanks for all the comments. Thanks for the support and the views. We got a dope question this week. You guys came through. The fam came through with the DMs.

I can't wait to hear them. But first, actually, you know, that reminds me of something. It just so happens that I actually do have a little news. Oh, God! For 86 News, I am Johnson. It says right here, in a scary moment, a dog was caught on CCTV playing with a ghost dog in a garden. Wow, that is spooky. Yes, security footage appears to show a mysteriously transparent ghost dog running around a fully secured backyard.

Now that, that is something else. And it just says right here that it was spotted at the residence of Michael Vick. Oh, no. I'm just kidding. Oh, I'm kidding. Oh, geez. Oh, my God. It is actually revealed the breed of the dog is a Halloweeny.

Okay. All right. Oh, God. I'm going to get fired. Oh Jesus. And, uh, in all seriousness, let's get back on track here. I wonder if the dog, I wonder, excuse my, my, uh, my, my, uh, my speech there. I wonder if the ghost dog is watching, uh, the video right now in rolling over in his grave. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Oh, gosh.

Last thing here. This is breaking, breaking. This just in. The people found the autopsy just came in. Yeah. And it says here the dog was a movie star. He was a golden retriever that played basketball oh no that that is funny uh-huh and he was in a bunch of other different sports movies

it says here his name is revealed and it's actually says here his name was scare but Says here his name was... Scarebud. Oh, God. For 86 News, I am so sorry, people of America. I am Johnson. He hate it. I hate this podcast late night spress

we're gonna get freaky oh alright um question of the week espresso quick quick quick quick quick quick question of the week what's something that you did that you should be in serious...

You should have gotten in like actual trouble for, but you didn't get caught. Something you should have been in serious trouble for, but you didn't get caught. For me, it was... My mom is a tennis instructor. And she had hella... Our whole house was like weird tennis shit. We had like a racket stringer in our living room. Just looked like a saw six tool just in there chilling by the wall. My friends were like, what is that? I was like, uh, I want to play a game. No, but for real, we just had tennis shit everywhere and uh there's just a box

in my garage of tennis balls that are like old because i guess after a while you can't use tennis balls the more you know and there are like 50 balls in this box and me and my my friends obviously because this is like the shit you dude guys just have a fascination for throwing shit off like balconies and stuff. You know what I mean? Like you ever just like throw, you see a video of like somebody throws a watermelon like off of like a high surface and you just have to watch it, dude. Guys love that shit. You know what I mean? Like just throwing shit off of stuff. That's such a guy thing, dude. For sure. or like spitting off stuff oh my god i've never done anything more like oh dude it's just the bet it's the eighth wonder of the world is just

spitting off of a high like high rise and then it's dead quiet you can hear your spit hit the ground it's like yeah so me and the homies just had a box full of tennis balls and we threw it off to I-69. I-69. Right. But, uh, nice. But, uh, yeah, so there's just 50 bouncing tennis balls all over the interstate. Oh, shit.

I don't know if I should be in that much trouble. Yeah, I probably could've killed, like, 80 people. You know what I think about it? But it just had to happen. You know what I mean? It's not like they

couldn't see them. They are neon. All right, here we go. Let's, uh, let's go from anonymous. What's something you should definitely be in trouble for.

I'm going to have to disguise my voice for this one. Back when I was little, I used to know as the, yo, why do you disguise it as Thor? Or wait, why do you disguise it as thor or wait why do you disguise it as an uh a old poet to the garage and take leaks on the water softener and then why do you disguise it as a shitty prince i'd tell my parents it's leaking it's leaking and they actually called the repairman and the repairman came out but luckily he just said it's just sweating no problem so it didn't cost them a bunch of money

or anything like that but it was a brutal ass beating that i never got because they never found out that I was pissing on the water softener. Dude, I hate this podcast. I'm kidding. Holy shit. What did he even say? He just pissed on the water softener. Oh, dog. I think I did some shit like that, too.

It's just a thing when you're a guy You just want to piss outside That's like all we really want to do is pee outside All he thinks about is sex No I'm just thinking about literally Pissing on the side yard For real I used to sneak outside and piss outside Just because I wanted to so bad

Like how boring was my life That I was like, I'm sneaking out. And I just go next to a bush by the garage and I'm like, oh. Holy hell, bro. Why did he turn into a shitty prince? All right, here we go. From Anonymous, what's something you should definitely be in trouble for? Something I should have gotten in trouble for. I hit a rock with a baseball bat, and it broke a neighbor's window.

Let's go! I thought I was good because I didn't hear anything about it for weeks, months. But apparently they were just in Florida theida the whole time because like birds old people fly south for the winter and they didn't i don't know they had nobody checking on their house the whole time um but so funny i mean they i don't know they were kind of not happy but i don't know they couldn't really prove anything. My mom couldn't prove anything. So I just kind of got away with it. I mean, I think it's statute of limitations, right? I mean, three months?

That's way too long, dude. You got to, like, beat the shit out of me within a week, max. For sure. Hold on. There's more. Leaving your house all alone? I mean, you should have at least had somebody visit to tell you that you got rocked. Shut up, dude.

Another classic case of a bored-ass guy hitting a rock with a stick. Oh, shit, bro. How bored is everyone? That's so funny. The amount of times I just hit shit. You ever just throw a fucking basketball in the air and try to hit it with a bat, and then you almost shatter both your wrists? And the ball slams into your mom's van.

You have to pretend like that never happened. What was the dent in my door? No, I'm not bored why dude so he said he got in trouble three months after it happened can't that's not even fair it cancels out after a week he's right right. All right, here we go from anonymous. What's something you should definitely be in trouble for? Okay, dude. One time I threw this New Year's rager. Like a fucking rager, my dude.

Like neglectful parents. It's going down. Rager, right? And so my parents decided to come home home like i guess my mom forgot something and she came home to just like a project x party and she must have been impressed of my organizational skills and my party throwing skills because i didn't even get in trouble she's like you're grounded and i was like cool all right and she's like but i mean party can go on i'll talk we'll talk about it later and then i wasn't even grounded

so uh yeah that shit was nice shout out to uh unsupervised children that shit's the sick this is the best it's the best shout out to your all right later man peace homie shout out to your mom that's exactly what i would do if i was a parent don't be don't be weird and make everybody go home no the party stays damn dude no damn dude i'm i had to set up spring break in college every year because I was like, nobody's going to do it right. I almost put that on my resume. It's the same with a party.

You got to coordinate people, parking, food, liquor. You got to be the director, bro. That takes skill. That doesn't go unnoticed on your resume through a fucking heater. Accomplish achievements through a heater. Through a heater when my mom was gone. Oh shit. Organized a banging spring break two years in a row. 2012, 2013. Two years in a row champion Alright let's keep going What's something you should definitely be in trouble for

Anonymous Yeah so my friends and I once tried to recreate Entourage Hit golf balls off the roof when we were in LA No one was injured But definitely should have gotten in trouble for that Dude that's so crazy Every time anyone hits a golf ball i'm like oh my god someone died even at top golf i'm like i can't go doesn't just seem like it dude there's so many motherfuckers

that like just boom those those golf balls like over the net just crank that shit i'm like i had to hit somebody or like it had to hit like a mcdonald's or something you know just fucking bounce off the window and scare the piss out of somebody drinking a coke does anybody think that every drive every time anyone hits a golf ball. I'm like, all right. Call the fucking ambulance. Somebody died. Bro. Like when somebody like shoots a gun in the air, I'm like, that's so killed somebody or it's going to kill us. It's going to come down and like kill one of us in two seconds. What, why'd you do that? Anytime anyone shoots a gun. Yep. All right. You killed something. Or you like hit a, or you like shot a truck.

You shot some weird Ford Ranger like three miles away. And every time I, every time someone shoots a car, I just think it should blow up. Every time. There's like no way it can. You got to shoot the gas tank, bro. I think not even I read something that was like Nah dude it won't blow up

So disappointing I think more cars should be blowing up Like on a daily basis You know what I mean Like with all the shit going on I'm like how did my car not blow up Every time I put gas in my car I'm like uh

Can this whole place blow up or what's going on? Like, am I just doing this all the time for nothing in return? Every time I fill up gas, car's going to blow up. All right, it didn't this time. Every single time I pump my gas and the pump doesn't ask me any questions. I'm like, all right, yeah, this is the one. This is the time. Anytime now, anytime now, just please blow up. Dude, like, can you imagine if a fucking gas station blew up? That'd be the biggest explosion of all time. Am I the only one that thinks about like that shit like that? No. All right. From Anonymous,

what should you definitely be in trouble for? On another episode of Who's Fuckin' This? Dude. Oh, dog. Don't start this trend by pretending that you're sending me a voice message, but it's just dumb shit. Oh, shit. Actually, no, no, no. That was good, though.

From Anonymous, just that. All right, here we go. From Anonymous, what's something you should definitely be in trouble for? When I was a senior in high school, we stole a nativity set from someone's front yard and then set up the nativity set in the middle of a busy road intersection. And the only thing that survived was one of the cows. Dude. That's so dope. Oh, I wish I would have thought of that. People just wrecking the shit out of

joseph and mary a honda civic just plowing over the three wise men frankincense the angel just dead on the side of the road by the rumble strips oh god of course the cow is left i'd be like yeah i'm not hitting that that would be against my beliefs i'm not hurting an animal but everybody else 10 car pile up why'd you do it for the love of god yo that was fire i want to say that dude's name that was such a good one all right let's keep going uh from anonymous what's the thing you did that you should definitely be in trouble for but you got away with all right so i hit a guy on a bike while he was crossing

the road and i was driving uh i feel like i should have gotten in trouble but the thing is is that he is actually the person that ran and um what he left behind was like liquor bottles and beer so he must have been drunk and i tried to chase him down but he just disappeared so i don't know if that's illegal or not, but it was a hit and run and he ran, not me. Damn, did he just go into DJ mode after that shit? Yo, bro, you're not a... You didn't hit and run, dog. You're a hero.

Can we listen to this guy DJ after this? All right, so I hit a guy on a bike while he was crossing the road. Every time he's done, like, talking, every time he, like, puts a guy on a bike while he was crossing the road. Every time he's done, like, talking, every time he, like, puts a period on a sentence, he's like That was my DJ noise. I feel like I should have gotten in trouble, but the thing is, is that

he is actually the person that ran, and what he left behind was, like, liquor bottles and beer, so he must have been drunk and i tried to chase him down but he just disappeared so i don't know if that's illegal or not but it was a hit and run he ran not listen to this listen to this every time he ends a sentence any sentence i'm out listen i mean dj dj dj hit and run Dude I feel like you're able I feel like you can get one you know if you hit a guy on a bike like

I think it's like part of the they're in on it the bike people they're in on it you know what I mean like they're like yeah I know like you could just straight up Brick a dude on the bike And he'd just fucking like Just roll like three times And like hit a tree And he'd be like you alright bro And he'd be like yeah I expected somebody to fucking drill me one of these days It's all good homie

Fucking bones sticking out of his leg Oh shit They know dude I don't think they'd even get mad If I was riding a bike and a car hit me I'd be like I deserve it See ya man No you're good

Do that wave You're good Just fucking drilled My shoes fly off and shit All good People on bikes Get the fuck on the sidewalk. God.

So annoying. How am I not going to hit him? If I literally got in trouble for that, oh my God, you hit him, I'd be like, duh. You shitting me? He's one foot away from a moving car. How am I not going to hit him? I'm actually surprised i haven't drilled a dude on the bike go somewhere else so weird all right here we go from anonymous what's the

thing you did that you should definitely be in trouble for but you got away with it yeah i should have gotten in serious trouble when i was 13 uh me and my buddies really like to sneak out of the house can't tell if this guy's ever shot a gun if you figure it out let me know but i can't tell gotten in serious trouble when i was 13 uh me and my buddies really like to sneak out of the house can't tell if this guy's ever shot a gun if you figure it out let me know but i can't tell chase out adrenaline rush right that's the gateway drug right there because it escalates to ding dong ditch and then throwing eggs and then this guy's the human embodiment of tobacco spray painting stuff and eventually i love you though bro i'm just i'm playing found myself with a crowbar and i was going hammer time on a corvette's windshield

no idea why no idea why i didn't target it it just happened worst part was the fellow who lived there he was awake he comes busting out of his double wide, jumps in a truck, and starts the entire neighborhood for us while we hid with our tails tucked behind the AC units, crying like little bitches that we were going to get caught and skinned alive. So, that changed my life forever. Yeah, I was 13 then. I'm 14 now, but I'm living the straight and narrow. He said he's what? Did he say 14?

I'm 13 then. I'm 14 now? Bro, where he lived, I can't believe the guy didn't walk out of his house with a fucking sawed-off shotgun. Like the dude who always tried to kill Bugs Bunny. Wait, what is that guy's name? Fuck, what's that guy's name? I gotta figure it out.

Hunter on Looney tunes I hate my keywords Elmer Fudd's Camaro with a crowbar why I But he but he but he shoots him. That's all folks. I Gotta shut the hell up. Oh my god Yo But who didn't do shit like that, you know It's just such a guy thing to just go out in the middle of the night and like fuck up fuck shit up It's so stupid who hasn't it's just like what you have to do when you're a guy and you're like 17 and then you like you're like okay wow i almost went to jail okay i won't do that again it's just like a rite of passage all right from anonymous

what's something you did that you should definitely be in trouble for? I was playing an intense cash mini golf game with my buddy in eighth grade. I was up by 20 strokes, so I figured I'd give him back a stroke. And on the 16th hole, I dropped a deuce in the hole of the glow-in-the-dark mini golf complex, leaving some poor man or women to clean it up. My mom ended up finding out about it. No! I did not get punished. How'd your mom find out about that?

That'd be the last thing. Moms do find out some crazy shit, though. I always wanted to do shit like that, but I'd be like, there's cameras. Every time I walk into any place, I'm like, fuck, they're definitely filming this. Everything. Anytime anyone asks me any question, I'm like fuck they're definitely filming this Everything Anytime anyone asks me any question I'm like oh this is a trap

Anytime I see Anything on the ground that I like would Maybe steal I'm like oh it's a test Oh yeah Yep They're gonna film me while I'm stealing this fuck It's always like a phone charger I'm like damn Should I steal that

Anytime I see a phone charger i'm like damn should i steal that anytime i see a phone charger i'm like lord please be with me because damn like i could have 40 chargers at my house and if i see a an iphone charger just laying around i'll still take it i'm that dude but when somebody asked me to borrow a phone charger i'm like holy shit oh my god are you serious grow up and bring one in your backpack you got a phone charger bro i'm like jesus christ what else do you want my car oh shit all right here we go term anonymous something you should definitely be in trouble for one time i got really drunk at my place of work and passed out in the bathroom with my shirt off and my manager never even said anything to me about it

oh fuck that's true though dude when work people get together for the first time It's like head in hands drunk Dude I'll never forget I worked at a corporate place For like three years And they were like let's go get drinks And I was like finally You know what I mean

I can like see what you guys are like actually Oh my god Just obliterated Drunk as I can like see what you guys are like actually. Oh my God. Just obliterated. Drunk as just saying the weirdest shit. I was like, oh my God, I sit by you? Dude, imagine being so drunk. You pass out at your work with your,

why does she have her tits out? Girls do, girls are so naked all the time. I'm like, even like your, my own my own like a girl I dated I was like, can you put some clothes on? like I know it's just me and you here but like dude like Not now. It's so weird, dude. I'll never girls are always naked with each other guys, bro Two guys are in the same house I'm, like hey don't come in here I'm changing he's like I know but that's your room like I'm so like fucked up about that don't come in here bro I just took my pants off real quick girls will just fucking frolic around with each other naked I'm

like I don't get it I feel like I have to cover my eyes when girls change all right let's get going from anonymous uh what's something you should definitely be in trouble for something i said me every time i record anything for sure i'm like ah fuck it he didn't even bother delete it Every time I send anybody a message, I delete the shit out of the first, like, take because I'm like, why did I sound like I was on drugs? With, like, I just drank a gallon of milk and was on drugs. I'm like, oh, the thing I did that I should be in trouble for. The thing I did that I was alright

let's keep going let's try that again something I should have gotten in serious trouble for but did not was when I okay I'm a recovering addict and when I used to buy drugs all the time there was one time where I was at this really

sketchy apartment complex and I went inside and bought pills from some guy all the time there was one time where i was at this really sketchy apartment complex and i went inside and bought pills from some guy in there jesus and then i i mean put them in a little plastic baggie and shoved them in the drawstring hole of the pants that i was wearing they had like a pole string kind of thing in the waist and i put them in there and then i walked outside and there was a police officer standing directly next to my car standing just i thought he was waiting for me that he like knew what i was doing or something so then i was trying to walk so that the plastic in my waistband didn't make a crinkling noise and i had to step over this like chain in between two fence posts that was like a no parking thing.

Oh my god, I've never been so into anything in my life. Keep going. I fell and accidentally like face planted, and the police officer somehow just came over and held me up and didn't notice anything sketchy about me. And I was thinking in that moment, I could have gotten like years in prison if he somehow knew that I had drugs on me, but he didn't ask why I was there and he didn't arrest me or anything like that. And so crisis averted and I have never been arrested before since then. Thank God. If you knock on wood on that one, dude, that was a lit mess.

That's a good voice message even though it started horrendous. This is how it started. I was like, this is gonna suck. Listen to it. Something I said. Don't judge a book by its cover. Wow, dude. I think it's so weird when cops do that. When cops are

nice, when you're like, wow, I'm super, like, I should super be arrested right now. Like, I swear that's happened to me before. I, like, fall down a flight of stairs, like, at a concert, and the cop's like, are you okay? Have a good one, buddy. I'm like, you're not even going to, like, arrest me? Bitch. All right. From Anonymous, what's something you should definitely be in trouble for?

Mom made pumpkin waffles, and they were absolutely disgusting. I was like six at the time. I took a bite. I didn't like them. She kept telling me I had to eat them. I cried and sat there for like three hours. We all have the same mom. So worked up, I threw up the pumpkin waffles,

and my mom proceeded to still try to make me eat them. And then I got spanked and told that I couldn't watch TV for like a week. So that was the worst thing. Were you in my family? The amount of times. How about when your mom makes something and it's not good and you just have to pretend it's good. And if you say anything, you literally might get your throat sliced.

That's the craziest shit. I made that mistake one time. I don't think my mom talked to me for a month. Holy. I was like, okay, I'll eat everything from now on forever. everything from now on forever you could give me a fucking pile of wood chips for dinner and i'd be like i love that can i have this for my birthday dude you got spanked and you couldn't watch tv that's my whole entire childhood all right from anonymous what's something you should definitely be in trouble for man i swear to god one of the craziest

shit i did but i ain't never getting in trouble for this shit bro you you you in indianapolis from indianapolis so you feel me you know we had them geese them geese that always not trying to get out the street oh bro i'm like 16 17 years old i can't wait i'm shitty at my bitch though you feel me my bitch did some off the wall ass shit to me you feel me i'm young i'm loose screwed all types of shit i'm like damn this bitch think everything game when i'm walking around the neighborhood i'm shitty though one of them bitches just had to start acting up doing that one noise day though that little noise started coming towards me on bro i faced that motherfucking in the middle of

the neighborhood i was out south actually i was on the south side and like southport area oh bro the geese started chasing me i weave oh bro i ran home never went outside any of that but i know that you can get fucked up for even yo i just i'm about to have this dude on the podcast that i don't even know if he said what he did did he kick it or something or did he just run away from it but i i totally understand that how come geese are like always trying to square up i'm like you want you want this shit right like they do talk shit i'm like all right let's fucking go i like take off my fucking shirt and shoes i'm like let's fucking go like why are you acting tough dog you just laid eggs in front of

a kittles dude the geese are always laying their eggs and fucking around in the weirdest, most random spots. And they get pissed when you try to, like, maneuver around them. I'm like, dude, you're in the parking lot of a Best Buy. Get the fuck out of the way. I'm like, okay, you're right. Geese are the fucking... It's funny how Canadians are so nice and Canadian geese are just the biggest pieces of shit. Canadian geese are just like the parents who argue at a travel softball game.

Dude, Canadian geese are just dance moms. Just fucking wide, low, just act like they're fucking owning the place I'm like get out of the You can fly Bro Geese Nothing fucking worse Damn

Alright that's it Holy Wow Y'all can't You guys came through I almost said y'all You ever just throw it Throw a y'all can't You guys came through I almost said y'all You ever just throw it Throw a y'all in there

Cause it sounds right I just did that I say y'all like two times a year Every time I say it I'm like That felt good Now I'm gonna eat some supper Alright let's go

Viral some supper. Alright, let's go viral. I like turtles. Viral is a segment where I pick the trending hashtags on the internet and talk about them for a little bit. But before we do that, remember the Espresso podcast is brought to you by Wave1 Media.

If you want to start your own show, visit thewaveone.com. Viral. Hashtag the sign on my neck says. Hashtag the sign on my neck says. Dude, it's weird. I hate when we get old We get like the weirdest necks You can always tell

Oh god You can always tell somebody's real age by their neck Bunch of rings around it and shit You can tell somebody's age by their neck Like a tree You chop down a tree and you like count the rings. It's like the same thing for somebody's neck. My dad looks like a fucking spruce.

Oh, God. My dad looks like a maple redwood. My dad looks like a birch. Hashtag why. birch Hashtag why No Hashtag how to spot an adult How to spot an adult You don't have to even open your eyes

You just listen for someone like Mumbling curse words under their breath Every 15 seconds I swear to god dude Every day I'm like How you doing? Look around for a shoehorn? How do you spot an adult?

Dude. Anytime I see a shoehorn, I'm like, damn, there's so many old here. The fact that it's called a shoehorn. You ever use one, though? You're like, damn, i've been missing out you know that pair of shoes you had that were just hard as to put on oh god you're like oh i love these shoes but jesus christ dude i burned 15 calories every time i put one on Hashtag resume songs. Hashtag resume song. Resumes are so annoying. Name a more boring document. A resume. I don't like like bragging about lame shit either

Efficient in PowerPoint Excel Like who gives a shit Dude It'd be a wrap If you could put your picture on a resume Can you imagine that Is that like a law that you can't

Who's not getting Like anyone hot You're like yeah they're hired Is that like a law that you can't? Who's not getting, like, anyone hot, you're like, yeah, they're hired. Is that fucked up? Actually, I would hire just the ugliest people. They'd be getting shit done. Anybody hot, like, thanks for your contact info. Ma'am, we'll be calling shortly, or I just might be calling right as the day ends here at the workplace. Heard you're proficient at Illustrator. Can you send me a picture?

Oh my god, you're good at Photoshop. Let me see your skills. Weird-ass boss. Weird-ass boss, give a foot about it. Hashtag phone scam response. I think it's so crazy that just anybody can call you. Is that wild? Even when just normal people I know call me i'm like oh my god somebody dude i somebody called me the other day i haven't talked to him in three years i was like what the fuck do you want all the sudden bro like that you had to call imagine not talking to somebody for three years

and then just being like i could never Are you serious The fucking audacity I hate when people say that but literally dude Shut up Everyone Anyone can call you I can't think of one person that I'd actually Want to talk to on the phone

Not one No Nope Is that a dude thing too because moms will talk on the phone bro you ever you ever call your mom and then like three seconds into the call you totally regret that you're like holy shit you just want one thing and she's like so um yeah, I like drove by and there were a bunch of horses. You're just like, oh my God, I just need my fucking pin for the thing. Like, dude. And then like, you just get wrapped up in it and it ends up being a 25 minute phone

call. And you're like, what the fuck just happened? It's so all over the place when you talk to a mom. It's every time you're like, oh my God, how did we get on this subject? I just need my ID number. Hashtag reasons why this generation is angry. Kind of boring. Why is this generation is angry at the internet?

We know way too much shit about everybody. That's why we're all mad. We're all just jealous. Oh my god. She went there? He did that? I'd love to just not know. Actually, no. I'm a nosy little bitch. I want to know everything.

Ah, kinda. I'm probably less nosy than a lot of people. Dude, no, I'm a nosy little bitch. I want to know everything. Ah, kinda. I'm probably less nosy than a lot of people. Dude, some people just have to know all the dirt. Aren't those the most psycho people? Tell me. Tell me what he said. I'm like, ew. I don't even want to repeat it.

Anytime there's any drama going on, I just fucking leave. I'm like, I don't want to know anything. Girls are like, tell me everything. I'm like, I don't want to know anything. Girls are like, tell me everything. I'm like, why do you want to know? If I knew the things, oh my god. I'd probably be a serial killer. Maybe I already am.

Alright, let's do days. Days of the week. Days of the week is a segment where I roll through the national days of the week. Days of the week is a segment where I roll through the national days of the week. And talk about them because they're all stupid. Like Thursday. National blueberry day. National blueberry pie day.

Yo, I don't think I've ever had blueberry pie. I'd hit. That's my type. Blueberry pie day National yellow bat day Did everybody have that yellow bat Or no everybody had that big plastic red bat In their garage

Yo I used to go yard with that thing Just bombs dude And that like plastic Like baseball it came with, I used to fucking... off the roof and shit. That big red bat. The things I hit with that.

You ever break one of those bats open? You're like... You think you're the fucking king of the world when you break that bat open. Not that I ever did or anything. National high five day. National high five day. I think high fives are so awkward.

You know when you do something good and somebody's like, I'm like, you've never given a high five? On another episode of you've never given a high five, you don episode of You've Never Given a High Five. You don't give a high five like this. What is this? Like, is this fucking fourth grade kickball? Good job! I hate when people, I feel so weird doing that.

I'm like, can we just go, let's just do this. Or like, pound it. But you know people, people that give high fives have never played sports. Sheesh Friday National Day of Silence Jesus Christ You ever been so pissed You don't talk for a whole day

My dad said My dad said My dad said he was so mad He didn't talk for a whole day who my dad said my dad said my dad said he was so mad he didn't talk for a week not even a week dude like if I unplug this bitch one more time. A week. He's hungry as shit at Subway. Just like. Fuck. Derek, what kind of bread do you want? He's like.

Pointing at fucking everything. Turns into a mime. Pissed off mime Dude you literally have to go in that subway And point to shit though That's the only way you can get anything correct Oh my god I went to the driveway at like a new subway And there wasn't even an option to talk

I was like What? You just had to like select shit on a board and it didn't let you customize anything. I was like, what the fuck? Isn't this what subway is like putting shit I want on it. They're like, you can get the tuna melt just like it is. I was like, I don't want that shit at all. You literally couldn't be like in a little bit of olive. You couldn't even do that. So I went in and it was the most like foreign people ever working. I was like, okay, yeah.

Definitely going inside for every Subway ever now. So I can just be like, every time I'm like at Subway, a little bit of honey mustard. They're like. I'm like homeboy damn damn Deepak easy on the fucking mustard fam for real

and then I'm like yo can you take some of that off and he's like fucking gets the weird knife and napkin I'm like you know what I don't even want to eat anymore So weird putting the honey mustard With a knife on the napkin And he's pissed doing it

I'm like it's your fault A little bit a little bit I say it so many times If you're with me at Subway you'd be so mad Everybody listening Don't ever go to Subway with me It's probably not that weird actually They just fuck it up every time

I'm like a little bit of honey mustard Just a little bit I started doing this Just a line of honey mustard Still just blob time I'm like I'm not hungry now Wet ass Sub I'm like

Shit's so gross Get the same thing every time at Subway So hungry Every time I go to Subway I've never been hungrier I'm just like just give me it Just give me the food I don't even ask for a bag That's how savage hungry

That's how homeless hungry I am I think I eat the whole thing Before I get to my car It's so quick Do you want your receipt? No Do you want a bag? Absolutely not

Don't even fucking wrap it up Just give it to me Eat it in seven seconds Choke the whole way home Wreck my car into a gas station Fried dude Alright fam It's a wrap

SpressPod 208 Thanks for listening I love you guys Remember to subscribe on YouTube Putting some full vid Full vids on there. Like the Divorce Dad MTV Cribs.

There's a full version. Check that ish out. Merch is coming back. Got some new stuff. Remember to join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode. Thank you for all the DMs. Thanks for all the love on social

get some dates for shows out here soon and we can party but all right y'all talk to you next week