Espresso - things you suck at

Episode Date: December 1, 2022

🎟 𝗕𝗨𝗬 𝗗𝗘𝗧𝗥𝗢𝗜𝗧 𝗛𝗢𝗨𝗦𝗘 𝗢𝗙 𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗘𝗗𝗬 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗧𝗜𝗖𝗞𝗘𝗧𝗦 https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hV🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Shot motherfuckin' 239 Bruh I feel like I should be on medicine Or something And remember to listen to these guys Watch it on YouTube That's the podcast with Joey Molinaro Go to benedictmerch.com For all your Christmas gifts My fucking Christmas gifts And remember Detroit House of Comedy

December 22nd I'll be there On stage Headlining Get your tickets It's in the description And remember, Detroit House of Comedy, December 22nd. I'll be there. On stage. Headlining. Get your tickets. It's in the description. Yo, let's figure this out, bro.

What do you suck at? I thought this question was either going to be really good or really bad. And it's kind of both. What do I suck at um dude i told you guys i can't swim i don't know what what is happening but like when i when i was growing up and we were in like camp you know you just go to like a kid's camp and shit everybody was beating my ass and And I was like, usually I'm cause like I was this size and weight when I was like in fifth grade. So usually I was just working. I was just, bro, I was out here in fifth grade. That's why I thought I was going to be a pro athlete. Cause in sixth grade, like I peaked in sixth grade. I was the best athlete in the world.

World. World. Seriously. I swear to you, there's nothing I couldn't do in sixth grade. Put me on the fucking football field, bro. See ya later. Basketball, I swear to God, I was this close to dunking in sixth grade and then every year after that stayed the same but that was the year bro that was my lebron year

and uh yeah we had like i like went to a camp over the summer and we were swimming and i was like i'm about to fuck this bitch up and i sucked and i was like oh i must be doing it wrong and i went to the counselor and i was like yo how do i like what am i doing wrong they're like no you're doing it right just like cup your hands and they're telling me all this shit that probably didn't matter too much remember like turn your body and i'm like dude it can't be that like tech just like fucking everybody else is just they just know how to they're just fish they just know how to, they're just fish. They just know how to, they just put them in the water and they're gone.

Kids that, like, had no business, like, doing anything athletically were fucking lapping my ass. I was like, I'm a piece of shit. To this day, I haven't figured it out. I don't like swimming either. Not because I can't swim because like i think i'm just pissed i'm just pissed at the water like i'll tread i'll tread but i kind of suck at that too like one time i had a treading contest with my aunt sounds weird as fuck but we were on family we were on like a vacation and my sister my aunt and it was me and we're all i don't know it was

weird it was like it was like i don't know we're just younger and you do weird shit when you're younger and we're there we're in like a screened in pool sounds like i'm talking about a dream i'm not i promise and we're all treading my aunt like semi-athletic. My sister's athletic. I'm LeBron James at this point in my life. Bro, they kick my ass. We're treading water. And I'm like, okay, they'll probably tap out in, like, you know, like six minutes or something. Because, you know, you can tread water. Once you start treading water, when you get in there, you're like, oh, fuck, I could do this shit all day.

Get the TV out. Bring the TV out here. Give me my laptop fuck it let's do it all can run a business out here then like minute five I was like oh shit it's kind of fucked up like I might get a cramp in my foot I started like gaslighting myself so I'd get a cramp and then have to like you know because I couldn't just I couldn't just admit that they were better treaders than me i had to be like hey i got a cramp i got bro but if i didn't have a cramp you guys would be toast you know i had to pull one of those moves

but bro they and i got out of the water i was like you guys got me my aunt was talking shit she's like all righty i was like, you guys got me. My aunt was talking shit. She's like, all righty. I was like, oh my God. Got out of the water, went inside, kind of dried off, wrung out my shorts. You know, you know, it's more embarrassing than losing to your sister and your aunt in a treading water contest in an indoor pool in Fort Myers, Florida. Getting out of the water like this. Fort Myers, Florida. Getting out of the water like this.

With an avalanche and tsunami coming off of my ass. As they just watch me like this. Oh, fuck. This is so weird when you get out of a pool, just everything's revealed. You can see the whole silhouette of my ass and legs. I'm like every guy ever. That's how I think it's as you get older, it's weirder to swim. You're like, all right, saw Uncle Pat's entire ass. Know everything about that now. Yeah, that was my walk of shame. Taking a fat L to my aunt, my sister, as they're treading in the pool. And they saw my entire ass and stupid ass legs as I left.

Went in the kitchen dripping water because I was embarrassed. Look back outside. Both of them still. Like fucking beautiful fairies. They're probably still fucking doing it. Go to Florida or go to Fort Myers right now and look at every indoor pool. My aunt, my sister. Yeah. So that's, I can't fucking, I don't know what's going on. Even when I was a kid, I couldn't swim. I don't know if I'm like not patient enough, but like, I just, I don't know. I suck dude.

Diving boards too. Like I just can't do it. I don't know. About to burp. I love you burpy boy. Oh, whoa. Gotta stop burping on this podcast.

It's disgusting. I know. I'm sorry. Shut up. Here we go. What do you suck at? Let's get into it from anonymous pickleball. And I'm addicted to Shut up. Here we go. What do you suck at? Let's get into it. From Anonymous.

Pickleball, and I'm addicted to it. If it was crack, I'd be out on the streets right now, but I fucking suck. I'm an embarrassment to myself, and I'm an embarrassment to those around me when I play. It's actually quite frustrating. I know who that was. I'm not going to say it, though, because I've got to stay true to the brand. I know who that was. I'm not going to say it, though, because I got to stay true to the brand. But, yeah, pickleball, it is one of those sports. He'll get good, though.

You know he'll get good because you can tell by the fire in his voice that he's got it in him. He's just frustrated at himself right now. But in like a year, yo, he's going to at himself right now but in like a year yo he's gonna be a little he's gonna be a little fucking phenom you could tell but he had some passion behind that voice message i want to like talk about it but he's like you'll you'll know who i'm talking about if i uh explain it but pickleball bro it is so next pickleball, bro, it is so next. Pickleball is the next sport. Is it in the Olympics? Is pickleball an Olympic sport? Pickleball Olympic sport. Pickleball is kind of coming for badminton right now. Pickleball is not included as an Olympiclympic sport well it will be give me give it

fucking how many years until the olympics it's like every four years or something like that why is it every four years why isn't it just every year because they have to build an entire new stadium that's why seems like a waste they have to build an isn't isn't that fucking crazy every year in the olympics they have to build an isn't isn't that fucking crazy every year in the olympics they have to build a new stadium is that why it's every four years or they have to like train their athletes for four years or like just do it every year it seems like such a it seems like it seems like such like a network thing if they did it every year they'd make like so much more money whatever but pickleball isn't ball isn't an olympic sport but bobsledding still is

why isn't actual football a sport yet i saw a tweet that said like um they should have the olympics in america but just like every state goes against each other how much more pride would you have for your state then you know i don't give a fuck about indiana but if we were playing somebody else in like uh badminton what time's the fucking match sweetie i'm watching that shit i'm putting money i'll start gambling too yeah but pickleball should be a sport there's so many sports in the olympics i'm like what the sweetie. I'm watching that shit. I'm putting money. I'll start gambling too. Yeah, but pickleball should be a sport. There's so many sports in the Olympics. I'm like, what the fuck is this? The fucking ice luge thing. I'm like, bro, who's doing this shit?

And the fact that you're like people train for years for that, like people in the Olympics are like born to be in the olympics you know like their dad at one point is like all right hey you're gonna be a fucking gymnast when they're the girls like one and they're like it's time to start you know when they're fucking one that means somebody somebody's dad when the kid is one is like hey bobby we named you this for a reason now getting your fucking bobsled. When he's fucking nine months old. That's what they trained for their whole life. That shit.

Give some fuck about that. Sorry, bobsledding people. But that's weird as fuck. But pickleball? Yeah, it should be a thing. Just keep going. I believe in you, bro. Hey, what's up, Ben?

Dude, I suck at eating soft shell tacos. There's not. Oh, my gosh. I don't know if it's like a problem that everyone has or something but I haven't noticed what other people do when I start eating a soft shell taco man it's like the whole joint starts spilling out the back end like the other side of the taco and then I get stuff all over my hands i'll try to like pick up the stuff from that fell out put it back in a taco i'll get stuff all over my face dude i don't know man you you will not catch me i'm so bad at eating this off you will not catch me eating that in front of a girl like if i go on a date not touching that side of the menu like bro you know what you know i'm nailed down you know I'm getting married to a girl. I'm going to eat a soft shell taco in front of her.

I suck at that, dude. Oh, fuck. That's why you got to stay hard. It's God. So does he just eat hard shell tacos or just no tacos dude i'm the opposite i suck at eating hard tacos one bite it's like a fucking mexican bomb exploded one bite of a hard taco oh my god take cover another bite just fucking chips cheese meat lead all over the like somebody just set off a fucking explosive in my house soft shell tacos are hard to eat all this shit comes time i really sucked at uh sometimes i suck at eating uh pizza you ever fucking you're so hungry

to eat pizza and you take it and you bite it and you pull away and you pull the fucking all the crust and bread away but the cheese slaps you in the face. The cheese is fucking on your chin and it's 8 million degrees. Oh my God. You have a burn goatee after from cheese on your pizza. I sucked at eating pizza for a dude. I sucked at eating burgers too. I hate the word burger fuck said it again but you know when you're a kid and you took a bite of the in the whole meat all everything would just you'd eat a cheeseburger and everything would it would just like i remember any time i ate a cheeseburger as a kid i'd take a bite in the back of the cheeseburger would be like 15 feet sticking out of the buns i'd be like what happened here take one bite of a cheeseburger the the meat is

so far apart from the bread i'm like what the fuck did i do did i push it when my with my tongue when I so weird but soft shell tacos bro you really got to put a grip on that you know what I do actually this is how you just soft shell taco I put it on a plate I don't know why I keep saying soft shell taco no just soft taco soft shell taco like i'm a fucking taco mechanic this is what i do when i eat a soft shell taco i put it on a plate and it's there you know it's sitting there kind of like it kind of looks like trouble you know when you're looking at a soft shell taco you're like ah fuck i don't know better like turn my back you ever eat something and you know you're gonna fuck it up and you do this you shield yourself dude you put your hood you put like your whole you hunch over you build a wall and then the sinks over here so you just that's insane bro the amount of times i've been ashamed eating that's a shit dude that's how i'll eat a soft shell taco

looking over my shoulder and shit making sure nobody's gonna say anything what are you doing over there it's my my worst fear. Hunched over, back turned, shoulders up, eating a soft shell taco over the sink. And somebody goes, what are you doing over there? And there's a girl I like in the room. I'm out, bro. I'll turn around and go like this. Fuck you!

And then run out the door. Oh, God. Crying and shit with a soft taco all over my white shirt. Fuck you! Oh, God. Crying and shit with a soft taco all over my white shirt. Fuck you! Okay, this is how I'll do it. Soft shell taco on a plate. And then I'll roll that shit up like it's taquito, pretty much. That's the move. Soft shell taco. You got it on your plate. Looks

like trouble. Fucking put the inside fold, like fold it in there. Put the outside fold over the top. Make that shit tight like a taquito. And then you can just whip that shit around like a drum stick. You know what I mean? Like an actual drum stick. You know how drummers before they drum, they're like with the sticks in sticks and in between their fingers and shit i always wanted to do that but i never like you know i never just you ever see somebody do that with like a pen or a drumstick you're like fuck that guy's amazing holy shit that's what i do with the soft taco. When I roll that shit up tight, both ends, other end.

Then you just got the middle. It's gone. And sometimes when I just got like two inches left, I act like it's a cigarette. Take a bite then you got like an inch left of taco that's rolled up tight flick that shit because i don't need it i already showed you what i can do that's how you eat tacos if you don't eat tacos with an accent, fuck off. Just keep going.

What do you suck at? The thing that I suck at is simple addition and subtraction. Like 23 plus 9. No fucking idea. 53 minus 7. seven instantly panicked i think i have too much ptsd from going to the board in elementary school and having to do problems in front of everyone and yeah this is my sexy sick voice in case you were wondering how do you know my life bro only the people that listen to this podcast know what sick sick voice is when you're sick and your voice is kind of like uh it sounds sexy as fuck i don't care who you are

deep down you know that and on this podcast we've made it a thing so next time you have a you have a set you have a sick day like you might want to call your crush or you might want to like you know do something do something with your voice you might want to record like i'm sick and i need to record a podcast today's the day because you sound like the thing is i got a symbol addition subtraction like 23 minus nine no fucking idea i think i have too much ptsd from going to the board elementary school having to do everybody's like why are you talking so fucking sexy and you're like sorry i have a cold and they're like oh okay it's part of the game yeah i'm really bad at normal math too and even if i know it like i'm i second guess myself so much i'm like i gotta check on my calculator because who the fuck knows but like yeah it's always like

anything that's like like 20 plus 7 like obviously I know what that is 23 plus 4 I know what that is but when it gets up into like 9 plus 13 like those numbers that just don't I'm like yo I don't fucking know I'm like get yo, I don't fucking know. I'm like, get your fucking calculator out. Sexy sick voice, dude. Oh, shit. People that are like ill all the time. I'm like, wow, lucky. What are you talking?

Why did you just say I was lucky? what are you talking why did you just say i was lucky yeah i i uh like tips when you're tip i guess the only time you actually need to know math actually is when you're tipping somebody how about those receipts when you're at a restaurant that are like here's 20 boom that's what you're fucking paying them 22 boom 25 bang that's the fucking move restaurants that so i have to fumble lena my fuck get my calculator out fucking rummage through some other bitch's purse that's sitting next to me i'm like hey just hold on what are you doing slapped me in the fucking face with her purse. I just need the tip for the cat. You didn't fucking figure it out.

You dumbass. I'm like, oh, my God. If it was just on the receipt. Let's keep going. So I suck at everything. But the one thing I think is like my number one is being domesticated i think that's when you cook and clean pretty sure but i cannot cook like i barely figured out how to make top ramen noodles and i'm 33 years old.

I'm conditioned to when she leaves a voice message that there's going to be like some like Neo playing in the background and at the end she's just going to Fuck! Didn't get either. A little disappointed, not going to lie, but I still love you. And I can't cook shit either bro wouldn't it be it's actually my worst fear second worst fear

for a girl to be like you should cook me something bro i would turn it into the biggest like i've turned into like the biggest show. I'm not cooking. It's disgusting. The stuff I eat is disgust. It's only fuel. That's how I get by. It's just fuel, baby. I only eat shit. Like, like I don't eat things that taste good. I've come to conclusion. I don't give a fuck about it. Either that tastes like shit. I'm like, I don't need it to taste good. I just need to like survive until I go to like some big ass fancy restaurant. Yeah. Okay. Then I'll, I'll, I'll need it to taste good. But like, until then, bro, I'm just, I'm just trying to fucking get through the day. Eggs. Fuck it. Yeah.

I'll eat them. Ew. I i don't care i don't need every meal to be like i'm a fucking king i hate it when people like it tastes gross i'm like you don't it does everything have to be so fucking great taste oh my god every meal scrumptious just fucking eat something and move on granolaola bar. Fuck it. Apple. It's the most basic shit, dude. I don't eat anything good. And it's because I can't cook.

If I could cook, I still wouldn't like eat a bunch of good shit. It takes too long. Cooking takes so long. Why'd I turn French? Because they make good fucking food. And then it's dark outside once you take a bite. I don't care don't care give me a cold piece of fucking chicken moving on to the next i don't give a fuck people that like food too much like bro it's 3 p.m relax on the good tasting food

just wait maybe one time a day i'll eat something that's actually good that's why i don't cook let's keep going hey benny so i really suck at remembering names for example i'd be like what's up andrew and she'll be like my name is anna oh shit i'm sorry my bad thought it was a family name or something um and the other thing that i suck at is being uh on time i should you not i'll be late to my funeral one day everyone will be like uh just standing there waiting for me and i'll be like in a casket somewhere in the traffic jam i feel that she said benny listen to this i love this made my fucking heart melt was she the chef in my last never mind hi benny so god damn one more time hi benny take my breath away uh but yeah remembering names is like

it's so hard i don't get how people that can do it sometimes people that remember names too good i'm like why you know what's your reason people that remember oh yeah that's scott i'm like you just fucking met him and you know his name you freak oh shit that's weird you only remember people's names for like reasons you need them no i'm not gonna remember some random ass person's name i don't need them. No, I'm not going to remember some random ass person's name. I don't need them for anything. That's how it goes, bro. You're literally inconsiderate.

Well, think about it. When's the only time you remember somebody's name? When you think they're hot? When you're going to ask them something later? When just fucking anything anytime you're like oh okay when you need something from them bro that's the only time you're literally a piece of shit well just being honest and being, bro. She said being late. Yeah, the older you get, the later you are. I can't believe we all went to school and shit at 7 a.m.

At one point. And everybody was fucking on time bro think about now if we had to go somewhere at 7 a.m. nobody would fucking show up people would be showing up at 2 30 and shit what that's so weird and I'm like hey like today I was like I'll do that podcast around 11 a.m. it's fucking 2 p.m. right now always not on time

let's keep going when I was about 8 years old I convinced my sister to steal these squishy rubbery grapes from a craft store. Hold on, this is good though. Nah, we can't. We gotta stay on brand. Gotta stay on brand.

But hold on. This is the what'd you steal. I'm not gonna do it. We'll do it at the end. Couple more. What do you suck at the end. A couple more. What do you suck at? What do I suck at? When you're at like a really good restaurant and there's like a bunch of really good options to choose from,

most of the time I'll pick the worst thing out of the list of things that I'm trying to decide on i'll be really disappointed then somebody else get one of the things that was like at the top of my list and it'll just be fucking amazing and i'll just be really pissed off about what i ordered that always fucking happens you like kind of go for the wild card you're like oh that could be yeah i'm just gonna i'm just gonna roll the dice on this one it fucking blows shit probably another thing would be controlling my rage from video games but that's improved a lot but a lot meaning a lot still is like like very awful control of it.

That's why I just really don't play them anymore. But back in my prime, like probably 16 or 15 to 18, somewhere in there. Yeah. The amount of damage done in that household is off the charts. It's pretty remarkable. It is, yeah. It's pretty remarkable on our broken controllers and damage to the property and my house. You know, maybe belonging to psych war, but you know what they say, it is what it is. Yo. I will always get the most thing at a restaurant because I've been burned by that shit.

There's like three things you want and you're like, all right, I'm going off on a limb. I'm going to get the cowboy burger, some shit like that, that you're just like, you know, it's going to slap. get the cowboy burger some shit like that that you're just like you know it's gonna slap you get it it sucks or you ever get something that's too good you're not ready for it you're like holy i can't i can't it's oh my god it's so good you know it's it's like it's gonna fuck you up the rest of the day i always get i all i never switch it up, dude. Me at a restaurant, salad with salmon. What were you saying?

Every time. Sir, your salad with salmon. Sir, it's your turn. Salad with salmon. Me every fucking time I'm at a restaurant. So annoying. But what else? I've just, I've been hurt.

You will not catch me in the middle of the day getting a fucking like a syrupy like waffle chicken something that sounds flame i won't get it i just can't dude been hurt in the past salad with salmon jesus christ bro the amount of times i said that can you add salmon i even know how i like it cooked and chicks i've said it medium well blackened so fucking annoying but yeah the rage from video games too i feel that i i completely had to stop playing video games because I would, I would get so mad. I would almost, uh, I would almost, I'd ha I just had to, I had to remove myself from the situation. Cause if my ass got mad at a video game and broke

something in the house, bro. Oh, my parents already didn't like video games. They were like, the house bro oh my parents already didn't like video games they were like fuck no i couldn't even play video games until i was like until like i was like 28 i swear to god dude i was deprived of video games you know like you don't you get a new dog and you don't try to give it human food because you're like ah it's gonna fuck it up you. You know? You try to just make it eat. You don't give it like a hot dog because once a dog gets a taste of the hot dog, it's like, I want a fucking hot dog. That's what my parents did with me in video games. I was like, I don't know.

I don't even know what video games are. Then I went to my friend's house, played PlayStation for the first time. Everything changed. I'd go to Best buy and look at the fucking gaming console and be like oh shit that's here turned into a dog with food bro me at everybody's house looking for their xbox i know you got one me at best buy i know it's around here and then once i started playing them i do video games are just frustrating bro oh my god it's fun to see other people freak out about video games though when

you're not like when you're not in the situation because you're like what a fucking idiot but the the guy playing them like it it does hurt at the moment but when you're watching from afar you're like that guy has problems so i i had to stop for the safety of others. Just keep going. All right. I got to do this quietly because I am actually taking a shit right now. I'm bad at wiping my ass. Stop.

Like I've tried all the techniques. I got scrunched the toilet paper up, fold it, stand up, sit down, but I'm bad at it. There's no good way. Like, it doesn't matter, dude. There's always like a, at the end of the day, there's like a strip in my undies.

So yeah, I got a bidet. Life-changing. Ta-fuck. Thank you. Oh, I thought we were going i thought we're gonna be tough fuckless but uh he said a strip there is no good way to do it it's so weird in america we're just like i was just fucking you get this paper and fucking wipe it up and I think that's good. And then in other countries, they like literally like strategically with technique clean the shit off of their ass until it's pristine.

In here, we're just like, that's good. Like, why don't we just integrate that just every toilet from now on has one that's the only way to go if there's if there's like uh if i'm around people i'm not shitting but if i do i'm taking a shower i just feel it feels disrespectful to be in people's presence and in you just imagine talking to someone and while you're talking to them you're just like oh my god they kind of have a little bit of shit on their ass you know how do you take that serious you're ever talking to someone and you're like why you okay yeah you have shit on

your ass though yeah a little bit you have a little bit of shit on your a little bit a little bit of pee in your pants too oh wow yeah oh that's amazing and you yeah but while you're saying this you have shit on your ass that's crazy oh and the p in the p still there and it's all down there yeah that's all i think about when I'm talking to somebody. Oh, you have shit on your ass right now. Oh yeah. That's crazy. Like anytime I'm doing this to somebody. Wow. No way. Are you serious? Anytime I'm doing that to somebody, all that's going on in my head is you have shit on your butt you have pee in your pants and while i'm looking at him in the eyes i'm thinking about this what if i just made out

with you right now wouldn't that be is anybody else doing that anytime i'm talking to somebody really close up i'm like what if i just started making out with them right now just all of a sudden oh yeah that's no way you're kidding me what the fuck dude i'm like oh sorry i just like wouldn't that be insane that's all i think about bro what the fuck oh shit if you ever see me locking locking in bro with somebody just know i'm not listening and all i'm thinking about is they have shit on their ass peeing their pants and i'm thinking about making out with them that's how you get through a conversation yeah but it's the only way

to to alleviate the shit on your butt. You got to take a shower, bro. If I'm in the presence of other people, if I'm not, I got to take a shower. Got to remove it because I got that in my head. So I'm like, what if they're talking to me and I'm talking and they're looking at me going, he has shit on his ass. Oh, yeah, that's crazy that you're saying this right now shit on your ass oh yeah uh-huh big old fucking yeah yeah tiktok guy huh got shit on your butt

cool gotta remove the shit there's no good way there's no good way to wipe you ever in a stall and someone next to you, it was the first time I ever, ever witnessed this. I was actually shitting next to, it's crazy. I was next to somebody. I just knew my whole life.

Kind of went to school with them forever. It was after like track. You got to take a track shit after track practice. That's insane. It was just in me that whole time after track practice. That's insane. It was just in me that whole time during track practice. But after both in the stall, both same game plan. You learn a lot when you're taking a shit next to somebody, though. You're like, oh, that's how they do it.

Oh, that's how long I should probably take. Because if you never shit next to somebody, you never know. Like, I'm taking way too long maybe i'm not wiping enough like where are my pants in this you gotta like you kind of gotta like see somebody's shit to know what's going on so that first time you're next to somebody and like okay his pants are around one ankle that's wild then you try it and you're like oh this is better you gotta learn but near the end he fucking stands up and i'm like oh he's done i didn't even hear him like dude get the toilet paper i didn't even hear him get any like the flush wasn't there he's he's just

did he just forget dude and he starts that fast. Then I hear the flush and he's gone. I'm like, that's how he wipes. Did he even look at it? Did he even look to see how much was left? Did he even look to see if there's anything on it? He just does that every time.

Flushes and then leaves like nothing happened. He's not in a traumatic state after he takes a shit. There are tears coming out of his eyes after he takes a shit. He just wipes then flushes it and then walks away forever. I'm sitting there like he just fucking stood up and did it like that

oh my mind's blown and I hear I'll see you out there man like does he think I'm less of a person because I'm still shitting and he's gonna be back out at track practice bro it was so fast it was so his wipe He's gonna be back out at track practice. Bro, it was so fast. It was so... His wipe. Like he was cleaning the fucking side of his shoe. Like he was cleaning the side of a...

Like a... Like his... I don't even... You clean nothing you love like that. Maybe like you don't even clean a table like that. I was just thinking about it. I was like, his ass has to like, look like a road. That shit is getting beat up. His ass got to look like a gym floor.

Just people playing two, three zone on that shit. Running up and down. Full court press. Insane, bro. I'll never forget that. Wow. All right. We'll send on that one.

Actually, okay. I told you guys we do this is from uh this is from two weeks ago the thing you stole just a little bonus let's go when i was about eight years old i convinced my sister to steal these squishy rubbery grapes from a craft store um so the plan was to take them off the vine and shove them in our socks and our mouths when we got to the car our mom saw that we had stolen these grapes and made us return them god how could you ever so if you could imagine uh well she sent us in a in just with me and my sister.

She didn't even come in with us. And so we said, we stole these grapes. And we put them on the counter and ran out of the store. So there's just this pile of moist, soggy, squishy, filled with our spit, rougher grapes. And I think they were from Michael's, so they were dusty. We put them in our mouths. So fucking funny.

Dude, kids asking adults anything is so goddamn stupid. We stole these grapes and they think they literally broke the fucking law. We stole these grapes and they think they literally broke the fucking law. What if you put them in jail?

Convicted. Stole rubber grapes. Why are those such? Dude, I bet those are... Fuck alcohol and money, jewelry. The most stolen thing on the planet is those rubber grapes. The joy that happens throughout my body when I'm chewing on a fucking rubber grape. If it's your own rubber grape, you're not. But if you take it from your friend's or like a display, fake fruit bowl,

like a Pier One, Michael's, bro, like you're chewing on that grape for like the next six hours. It's part of your life now. It's a big moment, bro. When you get your first rubber grape, only the real ones know about that. If right now you're right now, you're listening to this and you're like, who the fuck does that? This isn't the podcast for you, but if you know about that rubber grape life, and if you're not like, who the fuck,

if you're like, who the fuck does that? Tell you what, somebody needs to take a little trip to Michael's and get you one of these for six hours. Same. All right, fam.

That's it. December 22nd, Detroit house of comedy. I'll be there. Get your ticks in the description. Benedict, merch.com. Fuck 20% off. Benedictmerch.com. Ha ha, fuck.

20% off. Get your Christmas gifties. These guys with Joey Molinaro, watch it on YouTube. Watch this on YouTube. Join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every week. Love you guys, for real.

Thanks for the voice messages that shit that shit's the best man can't thank you enough love you for real um i miss you guys i'm doing i'm acting like this because it's a sunday right now but uh i'll talk to you guys next time next week all right fam see you next time