Espresso - today years old

Episode Date: April 15, 2021

sup? on this shot ben asked the fam their today year's old moment ⁽ˡⁱᵏᵉ ʳᵉᵃˡⁱᶻⁱⁿᵍ ᵍᵘᵐ ᵈᵒᵉˢⁿ'ᵗ ˢᵗᵃʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᶠᵘᶜᵏⁱⁿᵍ ˢ��ᵒᵐᵃᶜʰ ᶠᵒʳ ⁵ ʸᵉᵃʳˢ⁾ whoops... He talks about how annoying guys with stick shifts are, he wishes he was in Chet Hanks' WHITE BOY SUMMER vid, reminisces about playing human foosball, explains his small talk addiction and talks about Mark McGwire for 39 minutes. Ben chooses DJ Drama to narrate his AutoBiography and is 100% sure that a banana is the Paris Hilton of fruit, he goes #ViViViViral and does #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) →→→ 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! 𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗕𝗲𝗻!: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit TheWave1.com. It's late night spress. Being this is a.44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do you punk yeah okay no shot 154 this me yeah Benny P yeah in the city yeah

you hear the beginning of this though though? There's always this guy in here. This is a.44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head clean off. You've got to ask yourself one question. There's always some kid you grow up with that knows way too much about guns and you're like, how do you? This is a.44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world, and would blow your head

clean off. You've got to ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do you, punk punk i look like i've never shot a gun in my life i haven't dude i'm terrified to shoot a fucking gun one time i was at my friends and he was like hey dude you want to shoot this gun i was like hey dad can you pick me up i 100 guarantee if i had got the chance to shoot a gun like at a tree, it would miss by an inch and like straight up kill a walking fucking deer or something. There'd be like some kind of like family picnic like 20,000 feet away behind the trees and it would fucking blow somebody's head off.

And I'd be like, I just, I, I, I. Anyway, shot 153 because that's just my luck perfect I love that perfect shit perfect that happens every time i do something in my head that like works out that it's that sound you ever have a sound in your head that just plays for me it's that like uh when i here we fucking go when somebody calls you and you don't want to talk to them but you got to call them back because they're like kind of your friend and then they don't answer perfect seriously when you see somebody that you know wants to talk to you but they don't see you

perfect When you see somebody that you know wants to talk to you, but they don't see you. Perfect. Most fucking simple shit. You know when you see a motherfucker and you just see him and you're like, damn, that's definitely like 13 minutes right there of absolutely nothing I'm going to talk to, but he doesn't see you. Just like, it's like literally you escaped from jail. but he doesn't see you just like it's like literally you escaped from jail you're like going different ways to not talk to him like go like avoiding the fuck out of him for no reason it's not like you owe him money you're just like i really like for no reason i just don't want to talk to this motherfucker but like even if we do end up talking it'll be fine but like i'll do

anything not to it's just some people that are like what are we really gonna talk about oh shit when he has no clue that you're even in the same vicinity as him and he walks out of the fucking doors perfect oh my god oh my god. Oh my god. Okay. Why is that the best feeling of all time? You're like, whoo! Escape that one.

This beats hard as fuck, actually. Alright. Shout 154! Espresso Podcast with Ben Polizzi remember to follow on TikTok Instagram Twitter and cameo all that Benedict Polizzi subscribe rate and review on the pod

for real do it I'm serious do it do it do it do it do it and tell your friends because we're going to change some things on this pod and it's going to be for the better I like this podcast because it's just like a riff pod you know what i mean it's just like yeah talk about it you know talk about it we're gonna turn up the fucking volume a little bit we're gonna amp it up we're gonna hit fucking turbo on this pod you know in movies when they like flip up that little

fucking thing and we're gonna we're gonna go in sport mode on this pod soon any guy that drives a stick any guy that drives a stick like hey we know you think you're in a racing movie but honestly the only reason you have a stick shift is because you couldn't afford a fucking automatic car like dude you're not in fast and furious we're just going to wendy's dude you always like when you're trying to find a car like you're for like fucking first car you go on like autotrader.com and shit You know what? I mean? Just like see like what you could get and you'd always find like your perfect car and it'd be like eight thousand bucks

And you always like look at the details it'd be a fucking stick shift. I was like, why do they even make them? That shit does go kind of hard though. Everything I make fun of on this podcast, but that does go kind of hard. Yeah, but we're going to amp up the pot a little bit. It's going to be like right now, it's like... In a couple of weeks, it's going to be... We just like drove up all the way to a ramp. We drove off of a hill and now we're going to the sky, baby. But what's up, man? What's up?

How's it been going? Good? It's been going good for me. I've had a couple good weeks. I feel like I haven't done this podcast in a while. It's never like the same when I do it at Wave 1, you know? Like it is, but it's not. Because there's always somebody else.

It's never just me and you guys, you know? I like switching it up and having a host, but sometimes it's just like... I want to talk to the homies. Like right now, I feel like I'm talking to you guys, like real shit. When I'm with somebody else, it's like,

I can't, I have to talk to them. And it's just like, it's tight and it's funny, but it's still like, I'm trying to talk to my, I'm trying to talk to my squad, you know?

Like, I appreciate you coming on. I invited you on, but like, I'm trying to talk to the squad, low key. Could you please talk to my squad you know like i appreciate you coming on i invited you on but like i'm trying to talk to the squad low-key could you please talk to them with me the guests never understand the fucking fam you know they will though they will in a couple of weeks all right some things i want to talk about um viral what's been hey did you guys see that video of that kid skating at a roller rink and just

fucking people up what game was that what sport was that what fucking skates did he have on you know what that kid was doing on the roller rink he really was doing that dude that was insane but also why were the people that

were trying to like tag him or whatever and did they have noodles like noodles like pool noodles if you don't know what i'm talking about it sounds like i am on drugs right now but okay this kid was like skating around a roller rink and like rollerblades like normal shit and then but these other people were like chasing them with noodles, pool noodles, and they're trying to smack them with it. And this kid was so nasty on the fucking skates that they were, he was making people look dumb. It was, it was crazy. I know people are like, when you say it's crazy, it means it's not crazy at all. But like, it was, I've never seen anything like it. What sport was that?

This girl went headfirst into a fucking door cuz this dude broke her ankles so bad This dude was shifting this dude was in a Honda Accord stick shift while everybody else was on bikes It was insane dude, I'll just never understand like where were they it seems like some game that like your pe teacher would make up i swear to god dude our pe teacher growing up would come up with the fucking dumbest shit and we didn't have the internet when i like when i was like in like sixth grade pe like we had the internet but like grown-ups didn't how to know how to use the internet it was only kids our PE teacher was just coming out of coming up with like games out of nowhere it seems like a game that we'd have in PE just some weird day where everybody gets on skates and plays tag but like they were doing that like as a competition game and this kid was

running shit it looked like he was running and everybody else was on skates. And he was just like, skate! He was stopping so quick. Exactly. We had some nutty, we had some high ass games in PE. I swear to God, my PE teacher growing up would just get stoned and be like, Oh, what? She couldn't say her R's.

Oh shit. Like, this sounds insane. I can't believe I'm telling you guys this, but it's the fam. I'm just talking to the fam. Fuck it. And she would come up with, All right, Mr. Pulwitzy. I always call people by the wrong names.

Anyway, we had this game called Human Foosball, and I know, like, it wasn't fun. I was like, fuck, we have to play Human Foosball. Like, it's different, cool. At least we're not, like, playing golf, but, like, damn it, and we were on these big ass like it was literally human okay yeah and we had like pvc pipe and we like three people would hold on to it then like in the middle like

you had five people it just lined up like a foosball game only it was us hanging on the sticks and there was this big fucking uh like like hard like big tennis ball it sounds like i'm talking about dream i'm not and we would kick that shit around and the goals would you know there'd be a goalie like a foosball table and but it'd be real shit i like what and uh one of my friends that was like bigger and like you know there's always a kid that could like kick hard as fuck in your class this kid we had a kid right across from him directly across from him and he had a heart problem fuck you know what i mean though like it was probably like very minor anyway my friend with a heavy fucking kick leg it was coming at him like a like somebody kicked it and it was like a it was coming at him like somebody kicked it, and it was coming at him like a pitch, you know?

Like it was rolling on the ground fast, and he just boomed it, and it hit this motherfucker right in the heart. Oh, shit, and that's the last time we played human foosball. When my fourth grade friend gave another kid a heart attack. Oh shit, literally five feet away. Boom, here comes the boom. Ready or not.

Right when he kicked it. Right here. The ball rolling to him really fast. Here comes the motherfucking boys from the goddamn south That song though That P.O.D. song Even if you hated it A part of you was like

Yeah, it's just gonna go hard Speaking of songs that go hard Chet Hanks came out with a song We were talking about Chet Hanks the other day How he's like I mean he I don't know what to think about him He just does whatever the fuck he wants

And that's cool But His name Like It's just so funny that he's this white boy summer Yeah Ass shakin' on me Ass shakin' on me

I swear to god I'm the homie And his name's fuckin' Chester Ass shakin' on me I don't care I'm a homie bitch Bitch As she can know me, I don't care. I'm a homie, bitch. Bitch. We gotta, we got, we have to. Come on, man. Give me this video.

It's the most, like, white guy rap song, you know? It just is. I mean, obviously, it's called White Boy Summer, boy summer but you know it's just like if if i if i had to make a rap song in like half an hour some guy came between he's like you want to be a rap song i was like yeah he's like okay well think of it in 30 minutes i'd be like oh okay it's this it's white boy summer by chanx he's just like rapping like and there's just bitches everywhere and he's like by a pool and he's like wearing like just anything But his name like through it through and through his name's Chester. So that's fucking hilarious Yeah That shit went kind of hard.

At the end of the video, I just picture his mom being like, Chester, time for dinner. That's a totally different person than Tom Hanks. Maybe Tom Hanks is a bad motherfucker like that. I've seen one movie, but I feel like Tom Hanks is always just like, Oh, shucks. And then his son's just, White boy summer, look at my dick. It's white thunder.

Woo! I don't know, but yeah, he came out with a song. It's not bad, honestly. I'll definitely download it. I definitely would download that on LimeWire in a minute if I was 12. that on LimeWire, like, in a minute, if I was, like, 12.

Let's do the quick, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's your today years old moment? Alright, let's go through these. White boy summer. Ha, ha, ha. Come on, bitch, just load.

Alright, there we go. Chaz Hill, Ch go. Chaz Hill. Chaz. Chester Hill, 22. I was today years old when I was teaching high school U.S. history a couple years ago, and I had the sudden realization that Uncle Sam's initials are U.S. Damn. I never would have thought of that ever.

I think Uncle Sam is the creepiest motherfucker of all time. I hate that. Even when people's names are Sam, I'm like, ugh. Uncle Sam. Yeah, those who are going to Uncle Sam. I think, ew, why that picture of him is so fucked up. I think ew why that picture of him is so fucked up Like that's the that's why people think uncles are so creepy because they made Uncle Sam so fucking creepy You know what picture I'm talking is he the I want you guy?

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I was today years old when I found out gum doesn't stick inside your stomach for five years. That is so fucked up man who just fucking lied to everyone on the planet about that every time i swallowed gum i was like i pictured it just sitting on my rib cage for like 10 years just sitting there just laying there like hey and all the food like passing through my body and it's just being being like, oh damn, there's a gum. Like I pictured my ribs full of gum. Holy fuck. Where does it go? Does gum, you just shit gum out? Why would it ever stick? Why, what were we thinking? Why would that ever stick? You know, the sticky, you know, some of the shit I eat that would be way more problematic than gum. And I just think gum's just like chilling on the side of my stomach what's up

just like a line like i always picture like a like a piece of double mint like lime green just like on there damn that's weird all right we'll do a couple more Okay EMC Cleary I was today years old Today I found out that the speed limit on highway 55 In Chicago is 55 miles An hour Also the A in Samsung

Is actually an upside down V Is it fucked up that I never Look at speed limits Every time I want to look at a speed limit, I'm like, it's not there. You know, when you're trying to look at the speed limit, it's just never there. You're like, I get, I mean, what am I supposed to do? Just fucking stop in the middle of the road? I don't know. I think I could reason my way out of a ticket. Honestly, if the cop was like, do you know how fast you're going? I'd be like, yeah, I just had to get somewhere, and it never said.

Like, if I'm ever speeding, it's like, man, it's like reasonable. Like, if it's 55 and I'm going 70, I'd just be like, dude, I'm just kind of in a hurry. Like, can you mind your own fucking business for a minute? Because I'm doing 55 in a 54 I never look at gas prices or speed limits I'm like dude just let me fucking drive there I have no idea

I was today years old when I realized there's an arrow in the FedEx logo I'll never forget the day when my dad fucking pointed that out to me. We were at a red light behind a FedEx truck, and he's like, what do you see in that logo? And I was like, uh, what are you talking about?

You know when your dad's asking you shit when he picks you up from school, or your mom's asking you stuff? When your parents pick you up from school, and they're like, what'd you do today? And you're like, what the fuck the same shit and you don't want to say anything and you're just like nothing really and they're just like okay what'd you do come on you didn't do anything and you're like we just had science and math and like dude i don't want to talk about how lame that shit

was it's like when uh like you can't give them a good answer. Like if I was like Pythagorean theorem, they'd be like, oh, really? That's it. It's like my dad always, like, I'd always be like, yo, I'm going to this person's house. And he'd be like, who's going? And I'd be like, you don't know my friends. Why the fuck do you care? You don't know them.

why the fuck do you care you don't know kevin andrew sam uncle sam and uh chad he'd be like oh all right like it would have made any difference i could have said like five random names i've never said in my life he'd be like be safe like what the fuck who are you waiting for me to say in that lineup like sat Satan? Oh, you can't. No, I don't know about... Are there going to be supervision there? Supervision. My dad's favorite two words, supervision. Dude, the amount of times that shit happened to me when I was a kid.

Hey, I'm going to go to the movies on Saturday. We're going to fucking uh some movie with chris brown probably because he's in every movie all right is there supervision there i'm like why the fuck would anybody's parents come to the movies with us no there's no not gonna be any parents there's all right well you're staying home. Okay. And that was... Then I never... That's probably why I never saw a lot of movies growing up because I couldn't fucking go to the movie theater

without supervision. All right, let's go viral. Viral. Viral. Hashtag disappointment in three words what disappoints me in three words ready for bed nothing is more disappointing than when i have to get ready for bed i wish I had a machine that would just get my bitch ass ready for bed. I just wish I could step in like a little porta potty looking thing. And then just robot arms are in there.

And there's... Flossing my teeth. All that shit. And then I walk out and there's blood running down my face in my eyeball i don't have eyeballs i don't know what it is if i don't floss before bed i feel like a total piece of shit now and i swear to god like for a little bit i got off my game and i didn't floss for like two weeks and my tooth just fucking broke in my mouth and I guarantee it's because I was so used I floss every day I'm not trying to like uh be floss guy but I did it I was like I'm gonna do it every fucking day and I started doing it and now when I don't I just feel like there's just so much

fucking shit between my teeth because I'll floss on a random ass day and be like I didn't even really eat anything today I just like drank coffee and ate some like nuts and fruit and they'll be like pieces of ribeye steak in my teeth and I'll be like what that shit's super real

hashtag my worst road trip hashtag my worst road trip. Hashtag my worst road trip. There's nothing worse than... Dude, there's nothing worse than when your parents were mad at you in the car. There's nothing worse than that. Like, yeah, you can have an annoying friend that's, like, breathing too loud or something. But when you got a mad dad in the car...

Because, like, you can't do anything You just have to sit there and like feel the fucking heat Mad mom in the car Get a bad grade in school Your mom has to take you home And you got like a fucking You got like a hot 24% You ever fuck a test up so bad growing up that it's like ridiculously funny?

I swear to God, I fucked up a test so bad I got like a... You ever get like a funny number and you're like... I swear to God, on some weird ass thing, I swear to God, I didn't try it all and I got a 48. That's the ugliest number. Get a fucking 54 on your test. 54, Brian Urlacher. 24, Jeff Gordon. That see me on the test, dude.

I was like, what do you need to fucking see me for anyway See me Because you're a complete fucking idiot That's what it should say See me If you can find me in here you big fucking dummy See me if you can find me in the classroom You blind ass idiot

Oh shit. That was always super weird. Mom, can you sign my test? Like, what a disappointing moment for a parent. Like, damn, my kid's dumb as shit. I just have to sign it real fast and validate how stupid he is. There you go.

Benny, you need to buckle down. Hashtag signs you're an oversharer. I definitely overshare because sometimes I just don't know what to say. You ever not know what to say for two weeks? I'm in that right now. I'm on one week and two days. I haven't known what to say to anyone for two weeks like i have zero comebacks like people are like right it's like there's like good opportunities

for me to say shit but i'm just like i don't know what to say all right see you like i got nothing for people in these last in this last week if you've talked to me i'm sorry i've said nothing interesting i'm in that right now dude but like cause like dude it happens to me a lot on the internet too and even with texts like people text you and I'm like I don't know what to say back to this so I just

don't ever text them back or like people reply on like a tweet that I tweeted and I'm just like that's funny but like I don't know what do you want me to say haha I just got nothing's funny but like I don't know what do you want me to say haha I just got nothing for him but like when somebody's like what'd you do today I'm like damn I don't really even I didn't do anything so I'm just gonna tell them absolutely everything

I'm always like I woke up at like 7 24 I always know the exact time i woke up why no idea but it's always like i know that's the only thing i remember the entire day is like i woke up at 8 16 then i got up and then i uh i ate like some apples or granola bar then i sat there for a little longer because like i didn't want to go yet but i was like just like on my phone for a little bit then i got up then i worked out and oh my god it sucked and then I like started like writing some shit. Then my dad called me and I was like, what, you never call me. And then like, then I had to go to work

and I was like kind of late for work. Couldn't find a parking spot because, and then this homeless guy like would not leave me alone. Then I fucking had to run to work. And yeah, we just been like doing all this stuff in here. So what did you do all day? That's every time somebody asks me what I did, they're probably like...

I was just trying to make some fucking small talk. I hate small talk. I hate small talk, but I can't stop doing it. You know what I mean? Like I'm like, I'm not doing... I'm not falling in the small talk, but I can't stop doing it. You know what I mean? Like, I'm like, I'm not doing... I'm not falling in the small talk trap, you know? What's been going on? You just don't say anything back.

I always, like, try to say something cool. So it's like, it cancels out the small talk. Like, how you been? I'm like, don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't fucking say it. Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't fucking say it. Don't say it.

Don't say it. Don't say something interesting. Say something. Say something about what they're wearing. Say something about what they're wearing. Say something cool so we can stop doing small talk. Say something cool. Say something cool.

And I look at him like, getting a little chilly out there, huh? Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Every single time. How about that construction? Fuck. I can never say anything different. How's work? Oh, my God. It's's always that voice too. I have like a small talk

voice. I'm like, so, uh, but like literally when I got, I don't know what else to say to somebody. I'm always like, how's work? It's always that voice. It's always a soundboard voice. Like if, like if you tapped me while I was like talking to you during you during small talk, I'd be like, How's work? How's work? Where'd you park? Yeah, but low-key. Hashtag best baseball player of my life.

Mark McGuire! I mean, I'm not really sure. Definitely Mark McGuire. Most iconic baseball player of all time. He is. He is. He is. Uh-oh, bro. Babe Ruth. No. I don't know shit about baseball. Honestly, Mark McGuire because what the

fuck, man? Those thighs. You remember those fucking things? That ass on home plate tapping the plate with his bat. Fuck. How do you forget that? Those forearms. That red goatee on the Cardinals. Dude.

Like, be more red. His skin was, like, red. His fucking goatee was red. And he was on the reddest team. And he was just spanking those motherfuckers out. Mark McClure. He was on the reddest team and he was just spanking those motherfuckers out. Mark McGuire. 25. Why is that the most McGuire number?

Like if your last name is McGuire, you're just 25. 25 is the most red number. Oh shit. Gary Sheffield too, honestly. If we're talking about this shit right now we're talking about it and Gary Sheffield was one of the best baseball players that shit he was doing with the bat before he hit the ball what the fuck dude are you serious look up a look up a fucking clip of Gary Sheffield at the plate whatever he's doing is amazing. If I was a pitcher, I'd be like, never mind, dude.

I'm gonna make sure my car's locked. Can we get the reliever out here? He looked like he was, like, getting ready to throw a machete at you. Gary Sheffield. Sheffield.

Not left field. Sheffield. Iield Not left field Sheffield I don't know why I said that Hashtag title of my autobiography Hashtag title of my autobiography Would be Fucky Fucky goes bananas That's what it would be

Who would be. Who would be the voice in my autobiography? Who would be my... Who would be the person that would just tell my story? DJ Drama? DJ Drama's voice is so tight. Oh, shit. This... Okay, that's not it.

He had the coolest voice of all time, though. Maybe he's in this... You are watching a master at work. Yeah. Ha! Drum on back. This one's always at work yeah this this this guy's voice this guy's voice right here is dj drama he's the one that narrates my life this guy in the background of the song you hear that guy back there? This one shot was for your nub. I put a couple pounds on since the last go. What? Who sounds like that? Turn my back.

This one shot was for your nub. Imagine if you just were like, hey, what's up, dude? This one shot was for the nub. Hey, man, how you feeling? You good? I see you've been working out and stuff. This is how he answers. Oh, shit.

Hey, man. You looking good. You been hitting the gym? You look good. Alright. Awesome. So how's work? We be hanging around these hoes. Get them. My block pumping and I'm trying to keep that old... I don't think he says anything else, but that fucking voice.

Maybe he's in this one. Get your pipes. Yeah. Dedication too. Got my... Oh, shit. Imagine if he was your teacher And you're starting to fall asleep in religion class

And they're like okay And the verse 2 by Timothy Ben are you sleeping? Yeah I need you to get your head up and I need you to get your head up and Alright I had to do that How do you do, motherfucker? It's Wheezy Baby, nigga. Tritchin' in the Cali-Tulka. Cannon. Alright, I had to do that.

Let's do days. Wednesday. National Dolphin Day. I think dolphins are up to some shit, man. Dolphins are doing something we don't know about. They're too smart. They're too slippery. They're too fucking, you know.

They really are just, I'm annoyed at how smart they are. I need my animals to be dumbish to get 54s on their tests. Dolphins would score higher than me. Dolphins would give the test to me. Dude, dolphins and cats, I'm like, you're smarter than I am. You ever feel like that? When you're around a cat, you're like, fuck, this cat knows everything I'm doing. God damn it, this cat knows me.

Thursday. National Banana day. The shit I do for some bit. Why is banana stuff so good or so bad? You know, it's like banana bread. It's like, oh my God. Banana pudding with the vanilla wafers in it. But then you get like a banana candy and you're like, I'm going to fucking puke.

Like, why is it such a difference? Bananas are like such the fucking like, um, they're so, uh, they're so like the, the Paris Hilton of fruit. You know what I mean? Like, they're like, I'm just like the fucking king. And if you don't take care of me, I'm literally going to fucking turn brown in like literally two seconds. So fuck you. But like, eat me right now. I'm good. They're so high.

Bananas are so fucking high maintenance dude if you move a banana if you take a banana in your in your house and put it in your backpack and get in your car the banana's black when you look at it like i'm sorry oh my god i'm sorry i didn't clear i just i'm sorry i didn't let you know that i was moving you 15 feet oh my my God. I'm sorry. You got so frustrated banana. I'm like apologizing to it. They're deceiving too. Bananas are deceiving as fuck. You ever see a banana that like looks good and you open it up in one, like the end of it's like brown as fuck you're like oh my god dude i guess i'll eat like an inch of this dude bananas are in there like oh my god the potassium's out of this world you eat a banana today you'll never get sick again like maybe if i could find one maybe i could find one in good shape. They're all fucking pissed off. Bananas, dude.

Bananas are... You see one that's so perfect and you open it up and you taste it and it just tastes like... It tastes like you're eating a plant. You're like, this one is it. Ugh. And you take a bite and you're like, ugh, I just ate a piece of chalk. Bananas, ripe bananas taste like chalk. and you take a bite and you're like oh I just ate a piece of chalk bananas

ripe bananas taste like chalk Saturday National Crawfish Day dude that shit is so real like shellfish allergies dude I peeled a bunch of shrimp like I like ripped them apart like you know like raw ass shrimp i ripped them apart and i was put them gonna put them in like and i was

gonna cook them and i was like touching my face and shit because i had no clue i was touching my eye i got something out of my eye in my face was it looked like somebody uh hit me in the face with a baseball bat it looked like mark mcguire hit me in the face with a baseball bat. It looked like Mark McGuire hit me in the face with a baseball bat 25 times. As hard as he could. I thought I was gonna die, dude. Like my throat was swelling up just because

I peeled some shrimp and touched my eye. I was like, what the fuck is in these? It was insane. I'm almost sick. I think I eat shrimp five times a week. was insane i'm almost sick i think i i think i eat shrimp uh five times a week i think i'm almost i'm almost a hundred percent over shrimp yeah but that shit was super real do not do not touch fish and touch your eye you'll you'll look like the fucking nutty professor. National Haiku Poetry Day.

What's a haiku? Haiku? If you really want to say a weekend haiku, 575. Japanese 575. Haikus are my shit. They were so easy. When the teacher was like,

rent a haiku thank god it's haiku day because I don't feel like doing anything in this class 575 and it didn't even have to rhyme I'd be like I played football this afternoon it was

very warm outside and cool I like playing sports a lot It was very warm outside and cool. I like playing sports a lot. And she'd be like, 100%. And I'd be like, fuck yeah. Oh, that's my shit. I love haikus. Sunday, National Animal Crackers Day.

I don't know what it is about animal crackers, but I can eat 3,025. I can house animal crackers. And for some reason, even the stale ones, I'm like, come to papa. Mommy. Mommy. I forget who put me on the frosted animal crackers. You can fucking slap my ass and sell me for parts.

Those are gas. A Dairy Queen right now has a frosted animal cracker blizzard. Alright. Shout 154. Hey, I heard it was a wild one. Yeah, it was kind of wild. Ooh. Thanks for listening Remember to subscribe, rate, review

Tell your friends for real I love doing this pod man We're going to crank it up a notch In just a little bit Follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok And Cameo, all at Benedict Polizzi. And thanks for listening, Espresso's.

I'll talk to you guys next week. All right, fam.