Espresso - toxic trait you're keeping in 2023

Episode Date: January 12, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to the toxic traits you would keep this 2023 (like nutting in all your h*es)🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

You like, you like, you like, it's my drama, if I can not, ee-yuck. What up, fam? Espresso Podcast shot 245, ooh, that's a sexy little whole number. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. I'm your girlfriend, Benedict Polizzi, I mean. Ha ha ha ha, fuck. Remember to listen to These Guys with me and Joey molinaro on all places that you get your podcast get your merch at benedictmerch.com the benedict shirts and the politely cat call me shirts are limited time only so hop on that i really love both of those uh yeah so get it cracking and uh the patreon

it's such a it's such a ride bro it's such a damn ride i know i'm selling it aren't i by saying it's a ride it is a fun pod though hop in there five dollars a month for an extra episode every week i don't know if i've ever told you guys about either of those things all those things have i can't remember but uh yeah let's talk about the quick quick quick question of the week and by the way fam thanks for uh all the comments and all the responses to the questions of the week. You guys are seriously... I do this every fucking time.

Like I want to be cool. Why? What is that? Hook them? Let's go? Let's party? What is that every time i busted out one of these the other day girl was like how was it when i was like fucking what the hell was i doing oh i think i was at a

mall and i went in a store oh i went into the the the like kitchen appliance store at the fashion mall. I never fucking go in there except for when it's Christmas. Cause my sister always wants some shit from there. Went in there and bought like a icy, like a, like a, Oh, it was a sparkling water maker,

which is fire as fuck. And the lady that was helping me out was like nice and like fun. So I gave her my fun back and she goes did you have a good time or do you have a good you find everything all right i want like i hit her with one of these yeah it was all good what i hit her with the hang loose that's how she made me feel yeah it was it was all good. Just bought a sparkling water machine. What a fucking idiot. Did I was doing a show this weekend

and the comedian is Tony Roberts and he was like, he was trying to get off stage and I was hosting it and he was waiting for me to open the door to go get him and be like, yo, one more time for Tony Roberts, all this shit. And I was waiting for him and he was waiting for me. And I was on the other side of the door. Like, when is this motherfucker going to come out? And he goes, where's the host? Where is he? And the crowd goes that surfer dude.

surfer dude that's who i am to black people is surfer dude it was an all black crowd surfer guy i was like damn i probably went out there and was like no what's up i wish i was a surfer guy but yeah i hit her with the hang loose just normal shit you know But yeah, I hit her with the hang loose. Just normal shit. You know. See your grandpa and shit. What's up? What's up, pa?

What up, papa? What up, mama? Goddamn. That's the only reason why I want to have kids is so they can call my dad. Oh, shit. Call my dad. Just grandpa. Nothing else. No dad. Oh, shit. Call my dad just Grandpa. Nothing else. No tricks, no gimmicks, no pampy, daypaw.

Just fucking Grandpa. Grandpa. My dad is a grandpa. That'd be wild. No, thanks. I'll have them call him something fucked up so they call him that forever you know you know once you hear somebody's name you just call him that forever no matter

what it is call oh yeah that'd be so funny yeah call my old man call him peepaw every fucking time peepaw my dad would lose his shit if he had to say the word Peepaw. I'm crying. All right, let's get to it, bro.

What's the toxic trait you're keeping in 2023? Did I say that right? 2023, yeah. What am I keeping in 2023? Yeah, I'm going to keep stealing from Chipotle. Maybe Whole Foods every once in a while. Almost got caught the other day. Don't want to get into it, but not like stealing. I'm not like out here like stealing shit, but like I'm you know, I'm trimming. I'm rounding down every now and then. Hot bar hot hot bar box is like what 1382.

Take her down to take her down to 1250 because you know, that's part of the deal. It's part of the deal. The cutlery, the plastic silverware at Chipotle. I'm throwing a week's worth in the bag. It's part of the deal. It's part of the deal. It's part of the deal and they know and we know and everyone knows it's part of the deal. I'll probably keep doing that in 2023 unless I get taken to jail. What else am I going to do that's toxic in 2023? I'm going to keep putting deli mustard on absolutely everything I'm eating because it's the only thing I look forward to every day. And yes, he

is a full-blown caveman. Jesus Christ, bro. It's all I think about is putting deli mustard on shit. I don't know why i just walked by deli mustard one day and i was like oh that would slap that would slap i think it's because the one time i got hooked on deli mustard because i went to witch witch remember that sand that sub place where you could like customize your shit and it was garbage. It was.

It was. Nobody's favorite spot was Witch Witch. But I went there one time because I was like, what? You can like customize it? And I got two different mustards on it. Regular mustard and deli mustard. And it was way too much mustard. And I stopped eating mustard for like a year because you ever have too much of some shit and you're like I I gotta take a year off of you gotta take a year off of you babe where did I

have to take a year off of oh I had to take a year off a barbecue sauce one time because I was in this restaurant I was in city barbecue and there was a kid across from me no not the same table I was at a table with this fucking dude that I was working for. And then I feel like I work at a tractor company the way I said that. This dude I was plowing for.

And this dude across the table, like across, like over this way, was like putting barbecue sauce on his, like, a bunch of pork that he got because City Barbecue is like the weirdest place.

So weird. I'll take a side of taters macaroni and a slab of pork and a carrot in a carrot cake i'm like why why do you guys have the most random shit but anyway he's trying to like drizzle some barbecue sauce on his stuff and i guess the barbecue sauce wasn't come out so we fucking he like really crunched the the plastic bottle to the point where it was like like he had to know it was like like something was stuck or like you know there's a twist cap like nothing nothing's ever not coming out that hard and he squeezed it bro you know like when you squeeze elmer's glue like when you're a kid

and it like it's stuck but you squeeze the shit out of it like in fourth graders he did that to barbecue sauce and that shit everywhere barbecue full bottle of barbecue sauce imagine if you put like a bottle rocket in a bottle of barbecue sauce and just fucking jumped on it from like 40 feet in the air like you don't like it would sound like a like a bomb went off and everybody was just fucking covered in barbecue so i'm not even kidding the guy i was with because it was like when i was a news anchor like intern so he was a news anchor and he was like oh my god he was like still using his news anchor voice he's like this evening the barbecue sauce exploded in downtown indianapolis and i'm telling you we are smothered covered and we are not having a good time out here back to you rebecca

he like literally said it like that i was like jesus christ bro you can break character when barbecue sauce explodes all over our fucking table anyway it covered everything i had i think i still ate it because i was starving but then i didn't eat barbecue sauce for a year this evening we are talking about how the barbecue sauce erupted and the fans were not happy. Let's get into it. Yeah. So what's the toxic trait you're keeping in 2023? Let's talk.

Honestly, I know this is pretty bad, but I'm going to have to just say cheating right off top. Don't ever think I could stop. Once you keep going, man, it's like an endless game. You just never get never get enough. You know, I'm a student of the game. Love the game. You know, it's pretty bad.

But yeah, I'm definitely gonna keep that. I might stop in 2025. But we'll see. Jesus. Yeah. I've never done it because I've never been in a lot of relationships where that's real loose like that. But maybe he's talking about something

else. Yeah, bro. something else yeah bro uh i'm too guilty to do that shit i'll i'll mess around and i would i would just say it straight i would i'd be in such a bad i'd be i'd be in i'd be in sunday night mood i would i'd straight i would straight say it immediately i'd'd be like, I did it! That's how fucking... That's how like... That's how like... That's how like bad I am at lying.

I did it! Immediately after. Call him. Hey, I did it! 2025 though, that's the year. That's the motherfucking year good for you bro i mean you got to play the game some way i don't know maybe the girls you're uh you're with are cheating too so it's just like everybody knows you know it's part of the deal now my bitch eyes would be like hey so uh oh i couldn't ever bro i feel bad just thinking about

it loki i feel like i i feel like i did i wrong someone thinking about it let's keep going hey i got a question for you what the fuck are legumes like that shit you're supposed to eat that's healthy legumes i think this is just a question from one of my friends. Lagoon's. I just typed in the lagoon like a lake. Lagoon's. Healthy. Dude, is this one of those phone calls? It's like, hey, my name's Ben Dover. I don't know what a lagoon is, but bro bro i can't talk to you about eating healthy right now because i i might be the fattest i've ever been i've just got so much like back like my back inside right here did you guys see that figure skating Instagram video I put out? I'm a fuck. Hey, I'm a hoss. Anybody ever called you a hoss before? You're like, my football coach in fourth grade called me off. Yeah, you're

a hoss. I was like, why the fuck do I have to be a hoss? A more pick a more unattractive word. Haas a more pick a more unattractive word. What's up Haas? I was like, God damn. I sound like a semi truck. Every time I walk by him, I've got Haas. I've got Haas body right now. I've got it's on to it's on to body, hot. I'm a fucking big pig, bro. Jesus Christ. What's going on? My fucking back. Big Hoss coming in clutch with the fucking barbecue sauce tonight. Let's keep going.

What trade are you keeping in 2020? Wait, what toxic trade are you keeping in 2020 wait what toxic trade are you keeping in 2023 a toxic trade i'm not giving up this year is looking up my horoscope to skathe for some sense of identity even though i know that it's just made up non-factual information i still gotta look at it. I just wanna know what's up with Leos this month. Why do you guys care? That would be my worst nightmare

to like be attracted to a girl and then look up her horoscope and see how unattracted you should be to her. Does it really matter matter there's no way everybody's a piece of shit just remember that and you're good all that mathematical shit doesn't matter does it are you just looking for a reason to bail which i don't blame you but if it's just some random shit like what's it well like oh he's a he's a leo what's

some what's some shit he's gonna be on this month dude that's knowing too much of course girls are into that what's he gonna be like what are we gonna be like together i want to know everything before it happens so i can pre-assume everything and then ruin it in the end. You wouldn't catch it. Dude, do guys even know shit about that? Nah, bro. Guys are chill. We just go off the vibe.

No, guys can just look at you and be like, all right, yeah. She's not like crazy, but so that'll work dude guys don't give a shit i saw some girl on tiktok and she was like guys will marry you when they're like ready like there's like when guys are ready to marry they'll just marry whoever's in front of them. And that's kind of true. Has he ever seen a dude that just wants to get married really bad? Like whoever he fucking sees, he's like, I love you. It's like half the dudes I know are just like, yeah, I love you. Like immediately.

Just easy. Just what a life, bro. Imagine making decisions that fucking quick. I can't even decide what eggs I want at a restaurant. Some of my friends just fucking bang, bang. Love you. I'm like, damn. Couldn't be me, bro.

But guarantee all those guys that are saying, I love you, did not look at their horoscopes. They just looked at their tits. Skip, Kyle. In 2023, I'm not giving up my male pattern baldness. Oh. Yeah, the amount of people that just told me to shave my fucking head after i told them about like the side effects of giving getting a hair transplant there's no side effects but like

you do have to take a pill that may or may not eliminate your sex drive but uh you know they just they got to give you the worst of the worst information so you know so just in case you know that's the horoscope of my hair transplant you could never have sex again but if that doesn't happen to you you'll have the best life ever i don't know i guess i could just head, but dude, my head is so beat to shit from like things I did when I was a kid. If I shave my head, there'd be like gashes and like zits and bruises and like dents and crevices and volcanoes.

And like, dude, my, I don't know how white, white dudes with shaved heads, unless you're like missed unless you're like mister you have to have a little bit of like something else in you you gotta have a little foreign and you'd be able to shave your head as a white guy

you can't just be all fucking pale headed out there nothing scarier than a tall guy with a bald head I'm'm like, what up? Sleep paralysis nightmare. I don't know. I mean, I guess you just wear a hat every single day. No one even cares when guys wear hats. I've worn a hat three months straight. No one said shit. No one's ever been like, bro, you wear a hat all the time.

Nah, dude. But yeah, we grow hair, Indy. Say my name. Referral code, Benedict. They hook it up. This is an ad. Just keep going. Toxic trade.

I'm keeping it 2023. From fuckboyisland. Nothing on my hose. Time. Time. The most obvious voice voice changer ever dude oh shit toxic trait that you're keeping in 2023 nothing in all your hoes bro I could never. You know how scared I'd be the second? Right after I have sex once, I'm like, all right, I probably have four STDs.

I get checked for STDs after every time I have sex. Because, like, you know, you know. And I think she's pregnant immediately. After, yeah, dude, the next day after I'm like, this is a terrible feeling. I mean, everybody thinks that right, right after I'm like, ah, shit. Jesus Christ. You ever, yeah, and then you got to get checked and go through that whole process. What was it worth it?

Got to go to like Walgreens and like, dude, back in the day though, back in the day, I can't believe I said it. Getting checked back in the day and getting checked now, two completely different things. Getting checked back in the day, they literally put the sharpest Q-tip ever in your dick and like scrape the inside. And it wasn't that long ago.

I was like, did I sign? Is this like some witch doctor shit that I came to? I was like, where am I right now? I'm like, you know, this is just like for just like the normal standard test, right?

This isn't, I was like, do you guys think I have some, like, do you guys think I have grubs in my dick? What the fuck are you scraping out of here? Dude, that shit hurts so bad. I've never sweat like that in my life.

And I was naked. That doctor paper when I got up, could you even imagine? I got up and limped into the bathroom and fell against the wall. And I was like, okay, okay. That was the worst pain of my life. It was like some, some shit you'd see on like saw the movie saw when the bathroom. And then my bright idea, my great idea was to pee dude, fell down again in the bathroom. this time naked with pee on me i was like all this to get checked for stds i'm never having sex again what the fuck is going on and i walked back in there and she she literally goes like this she literally goes like this we're

gonna have to do it again and i was like you're fucking with me no way like that's that is so funny though i was like that is so like that is like a fire joke like i know you're a doctor and you can't like joke around like that but that's i was like clean ass shit she's like no we really have to and then something happened and they're like no we're good and i'm just like i don't even give a shit bro that was a crazy shit now when checked, bro, you have to pee in a cup and then they, they hit you back in like three weeks or something. But I guess the bad part about it is you pee in a cup and then you put it in the, okay, the place I went to, you pee in a cup, you put it in a bag and then they're like, oh,

yeah. Oh no. Before they give you the cup in the bag and before you, uh, you, you pee, they're like oh yeah oh no before they give you the cup in the bag and before you uh you you pee they're like oh the bathroom's right right over there and i'm like where is it and they go it's right over there it's in the other corner of the store so i've got this piss cup in a bag like army like so i don't see anybody because everybody knows what the fuck you're doing if you're like in there and you got a bag with a with a cup like i got i got like a brown bag

that's like obviously and i'm just wearing normal shit and i look like this and i'm like trying to hide behind shelves and shit walking over to the bathroom what that's the real walk of shame, dude. Filling up your pee cup in a store. Like James Bond in that bitch. Like army crawling between shelves. just keep going toxic trait you're keeping in 2023 oh come on 23 and really since we returned to work and returned to office in the middle of last year every time I piss while I'm on the clock I'll just wipe a booger above the urinal same brick

every time and I'm going to keep that same energy into 2023 and I know it sounds gross I know it sounds toxic but hear me out first I'm going to wash my hands after I piss anyway. So it's not really about picking my nose. It's not about cleanliness. It's absolutely about establishing dominance in the office as more and more people return to work. And it's about responsibility too. I've been wiping boogers on the same damn brick above the far left urinal for six months

now and nobody's cleaned it. Listen, the unemployment rate is at 3.5%. And I'm sure there are people who would gladly clean my boogers off a brick above the urinal. All right. Enjoy your day. That's an A1 voice message right there. Great voice. Great story. Had a little twist. They're all good, but that one just had a little something extra uh yeah you ever zoom in while you're going to the bathroom and just look at the wall and there's 17 000 boogers on it that look like bats in a cave hanging upside down

who's who's just picking a booger and throwing it away though you know nobody's really doing that it's going somewhere fucking weird in your car my whole car is a booger everything in it everybody's car has 18 000 boogers in it just think about it the floor in your room 76 boogers per inch the amount of times dude i don't think i've ever put it on a wall because fuck but sometimes you do like how you ever have a booger that you really remember the booger that you're like oh yeah you. You think back about it. It happens with a lot of, with a lot of like bodily functions. You're like, oh, I remember that one though. There's

this booger in my nose. I can remember when I was growing up and it was bothering me. And I thought it was part of my nose. It was bothering me so much. I was like, oh, I have like an extend. I have like a weird nose. Like I have like a piece of skin that's growing in my nose. I think I used to pick my nose so much when I was a kid I put a hole through the roof my nose had like a sunroof because I picked it so much I think or like I dreamt that but I'm pretty sure that shit happened and I was picking my nose one day and I was like oh there's like my nose is like healing from when I had that sunroof nose and there's like a bump fleshy bump in it and I was like I'm just gonna leave it alone and it hurt and it hurt for like a week and then one day dude i just grabbed it with both of

my fingers and fucking and i heard it come out of my nose and i swear to god i looked at it because if you're not looking at your boogers bro come on you gotta check it out you're disgusting this is your boogers, bro, come on. You got to check it out. You're disgusting. This is disgusting. You do it too. You do it. Even when you blow your nose in a napkin, you're looking. You're telling me you're not looking?

You got to see. It's your body. Fuck. Hold on. So many cords anyway I ripped that thing out of my nose looked exactly like a ladybug I was like what is this doing to my nose

it was like a booger ladybug and I was like and I almost didn't want to throw it away you ever so proud of a bugger you don't want to throw it away went in the trash and I could hear it hit the plastic in the in the trash like can thing it was like I was like bye I love you but wiping on a wall can never do it on your own wall. That's for sure. Yeah. Work wall,

work bathroom wall. Somebody will get that. Dude, I used to dude. I swear to God in college. One time I used to like one time I cleaned my shoes and I just left all the mud in the bathroom. Cause I was like,

they clean the dorms, bro. I swear I'm a piece of shit. Let's keep going. So what's the toxic trait? I won't give up in 2023. Well, there's three. One, my ex is getting fat.

Love it. Adore it. Beautiful. Number two is when I'm feeling really hood rat, like ratchet wise. We're playing some L3, L7 twerk music. Too short. Lil Jon. Some shit like that.

And number three. Crack me up. Just being awesome. Taha fuck. Haha. That's the best Taha fuck. You can't beat that T twerk music was a different type of can you believe people are really

shaking their asses like that you ever go to a party when people are really shaking it that shit is crazy how awkward is it when just one person's dance oh bro i went out the other night and there was just one guy dancing so way way way way too good in the back read the room dog just everybody like just kind of hanging out and this guy in the back and this guy in the back.

Like, and he wasn't just doing it for his own good. He was like making sure people saw him. Like dog, it's just a Roscoe Dash song. I could never do that. I gotta be fucked up in my room to dance like that. Yeah, your ex getting fat. I don't know. Do you really want that? I think I want every

ex I have to be hot. You know? So people are like, oh, you guys, oh, yeah, okay, makes sense. They see your fat ex, they're like, you used to date her? What a horrible feeling. Send out a newsletter to your exes every month.

Hey, let's keep it together out there, guys! Do it for me. How many of them would unsubscribe immediately? SkipCon. My toxic trait? I order sauce packets for my kids' happy meals, and I take them out of the boxes before I get them to them and stick the sauce in the side of my door

just in case I need sauce for my fries. Like ranch, hot mustard. Yeah, my kids are not going to eat hot mustard with their chicken. It's for me. Taha. Fuck. Taha. Fuck.

I love you, mustard girl. Whoa. there's something about must me and mustard i'm gonna write a book about me and mustard right now because i'm putting that shit on everything damn stealing shit i i think if i had kids, I'd totally take everything from them. You know, I can remember this one time I found so much fucking money in the mall. I was just in the mall and I just found a pile of cash. And I freaked out and jumped on that shit like it was a fumble in an NFL game. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. And I kept it as long as I could dude I did it was so much money I mean I know as a kid and everything's bigger when you're a kid and shit like that but I think it was probably 78 dollars

and my dad just fucking found I realized that I had it and just snatched it. I'm like, oh, what if I got that? I should get a percent. Dude, kids get their shit took. Yeah, bro. Really missed out on that $78 fucking dollars. I love you, mustard girl. Whoa.

Skip gone. So I've been told i'm a 10 but i drink fireball and that's a toxic trait that i'm not gonna give up in 2023 oh my god dude fireball fireball is that one though? You guys remember that year that Fireball was the shit? Fireball on like a fall day? Yo. Tailgate? Ha ha. I'm talking like 10 years ago.

That shit was hitting. And then something came out and it was like yeah it's antifreeze i was like okay guess not dude and how sticky is fucking everything after you drink fireball one time oh i'll never forget this shit one time i got like a free like maple jack daniels thing yo i will never eat why is it always maple ruining shit? It just tasted like a bottle of syrup, but it was free. So we were just hitting it. Everything was maple for the next three and a half weeks.

Oh, bro. That ranch cream I ate the other day? Same shit happened with that. Whatever I'm around, I smell like for at least two weeks. That's my superpower. Ranch cream? Every time I walk in my apartment, I still smell ranch cream.

I didn't even eat that in my apartment. It's not ranch cream. It's salad cream. That salad cream I ate in my car? Yeah, that was the grossest thing. Why? Why? Why?

Yeah, it's disgusting. But every time. Every time I'm around anything. If I swim in a lake, I smell like a lake for two weeks. Just like it. My ass smells like a lake. It doesn't even matter. It doesn't even, like, candy corn.

I can be around candy corn during Halloween. Take a deuce. Whole bathroom smells like candy corn. I'm like, I didn't eat it. I probably still smell like a damn pine tree. Have a fake tree. That's my super power. My super pure. He has a stroke. Stroke meter. Yo, fam. It's a wrap. That's shot.

245. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. Thanks for listening. Thanks for sending in the shit you're going to keep doing in 2023. And thanks for listening. Thanks for joining the Patreon. Everything you guys do guys do leaving the messages all that shit man i appreciate it thanks for riding with me for real love you mfs but uh yeah i gotta go to the show i'll talk to you guys next week