Espresso - truffle butter

Episode Date: April 29, 2020

i REFUSE to golf | downtown tanning guy | every dentist | white guy haircuts | little uzi vert | ragamuffins

is that too loud kind of groovy oh kind of making my hips waggle waggle stop allgle. Stop. All right, I'm done. Thanks for listening. It was fun.

I'm just kidding. But that's from Jason Williams' highlight on the internet. Jason Williams is that white point guard, for those of you who don't know. It's like 10 minutes long. It has a funky little, it has a waggle beat. You know what waggle means. They're just going side to side, your hips. Just Lucy, baby.

I, uh, what's up? Shot 104. It's nice today. I think it's nice all over the world today. It's not raining anywhere. It's hard to do this when it's nice all over the world today. It's not raining anywhere. It's hard to do this when it's nice outside. Like, right when I walked outside, I was like, oh, today would be a good day to, like, lay out. Because I'm a 19-year-old girl.

Today's a, I mean, a normal person would be like, today's a dolt. We should hit the links today. Golf. But I'm not, I don't know. I can't golf. I don't, I can golf for like, I could do one. How can you, how can you golf more than once? Imagine golfing twice. The second time I'd be like i'll drop you off

i don't know i think it's because i grew up playing putt-putt and stuff like i can only do that type of i guess i can't do anything for a long amount of time um i tried to go golfing one time with like uh of my good friends. What the hell am I talking about? Good friends. Like I'm 90 years old. But I went with two of them and my dad, dude. Oh my God. It was the funniest thing.

Like one of my friends was serious and like really competitive and stuff the whole time. And it was like, okay, it was Drew, my dude Drew, who's like being serious about it. My dad was there and he was like trying to be serious too. And me and Chiller were there and we were just fucking around the whole entire time like we took it seriously once we both sucked and then they were we were just like acting like we were gonna like put the golf golf club up my dad's ass the whole time when he wasn't looking that was like whole 17 with the whole 2 through 17 was just us like like waving our golf clubs at my dad's ass when he wasn't looking.

And that's my whole life in one hour. But, yeah. Damn, what was I talking about? Oh. Yep. So, there's nothing to do. So, my first inclination when it's nice out is, like, shit, might as well just get some sun. You look so much better when you're tan. It's unbelievable. But I'm still trying to figure out where to, uh, like when you live downtown in your apartment,

don't have a pool, what are you supposed to do? I've been trying to figure this out for three years. There's nowhere to go, dude. I i've tried every i've gone on top of like top level of parking garages but i still feel like somebody's gonna like do something weird like nobody goes up there but i'm still like somebody's watching me i don't know what to do and i don't want to like people be like you should just come to our pool like i'm not gonna be able to get in and like i don't want to like hang out i just want to like sit there for an hour like i don't want to like you know there's always some catch like if i had a pass to go up there by myself i don't know i just like concentrated laying out like i I put in a solid hour.

Just a solid hour of work. No distractions. No getting up. Just one hour. I used to lay on my trampoline because it's straight up all black. I used to lay on my trampoline for like, dude, six hours in the summer when you just had nothing to do in high school. Just the ultimate tan. I started using baby oil a lot last year what a mistake like i read something like it was supposed to make you

double the tan if you use baby oil i don't know man i think it just made me like it just made me soft as fuck. No, I just felt oily forever. It was so weird. I was, like, glistening. I laid out on the monument downtown. Like, I just put, like, anywhere. Like, people are walking by, like, every seven minutes. And it's, like, I always pick the wrong time to lay out.

I'm, like, today is the day. It's perfect. And it's, like, somehow is the day. It's perfect. And it's somehow cold. It's hot as hell. And then right when I go and lay out, it's cold and windy. I'm like, God, I look like an idiot. And I'm shiny.

Tight. Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight. I saw this tweet today. I never laugh out loud for tweets, but this is so funny. It goes, this dude named Casey Johnson 12. I don't even know how it came up on my timeline or whatever, but it goes, what's been your shortest term of employment? I worked one eight-hour shift at Chipotle, poured a shit ton of rice and water down the wrong hole,

broke the rice machine equaling thousands of dollars in damage, copped a free burrito and rode my bike home and never came back. Why is that the most relatable shit of all time? That's like every first job i've ever had like when someone's hiring me that they have to know like all right you're gonna fuck up like 13 things the first week like that should be like a i wish we had real resumes that said shit like that because people that hire you expect you to know so much stuff like out of the gate. It's like, how would I ever know that? When I got hired, oh my God, this is a nightmare, but I got hired as a waiter and they knew I never worked at a restaurant in my life.

So I have no idea of the culture. Like you wouldn't think that would matter because like restaurants are such like a, yeah, you can like, everybody works at restaurants, but like you do have think that would matter because like restaurants are such like a yeah you can like everybody works at restaurants but like you do have to they were saying all these terms yeah put it in the cam bro like how am i supposed to there's just like rules you don't know because you haven't been there like can't like can i move that trash can over here like and then you do and they're like who moved the trash can you're like how would I ever know that that's a rule stuff like that but you have to like fill up these big pitcher things every morning at the restaurant I work and it was like my first week and I had no idea what I was doing and I filled all the lemonade up with like uh this like alcoholic mix. Of course.

And they were like, oh, it was such a big deal. I'm like, how would I not do that? It's the same color as lemonade. They're like, oh, well, the lemonade was out. You got to tell somebody. I was like, how would I know how to do that? So I just filled up the ice the rest of the time. Like the most caveman job ever. was like I can't mess this up

What else is going on? Huh? Huh? Huh? People expect you to know too much everywhere Like That's been my problem like my whole life I've always been nervous about stuff because like,

I never know what's going on. But at the same time, I'm like, how would anyone else know? You know what I mean? Like before, like, like I never wanted to go to like camps and stuff.

Cause I, when I was a little kid, cause I'm like, I don't know how to do anything. And kids are so quick to make fun of your ass when you don't know stuff. I'm like, God, how would i know that it's time to line up in our groups and like pledge of allegiance like the first time i

damn the first time i went to the dentist it wasn't the first time it was like the second time but like normal people go to the dentist probably like how many times are you supposed to go to the dentist a year? Or how many? Dentists make you like if you had no like sense of what's going on, they'd make you go every week. But we went like once every seven and a half years. So this was like I was like 14. Yeah, I was 14. My second time going to the dentist.

Went when I was 7 and 14. And like I had no idea what I was like 14. Yeah, I was 14. My second time going to the dentist when I was seven and 14. And they, like, I had no idea what I was doing. Like I was just blind. Like I was like, I was in a different, like on a different planet and they're just saying stuff to me. And the dentist just act like you're supposed to know what you're doing when you're sitting in that chair. They're like doing stuff with your mouth. I don't know. They're just like, open up. Like, that's all I thought I was going to have to do is just open my mouth and one time this this girl was like fixing something in my I don't know what she's doing probably just like taking that like that like hook thing you know that that hook they scrape all that crap off your teeth I love that sound and feeling even though it's both suck but

I love it at the same time somehow. But she was she was doing that and her hands were in my mouth for so long. My mouth kept getting smaller and smaller. And every like two minutes, she'd be like a little whiter. Because I'm like eventually like her fingers are in my mouth for so long with that glove on. I started like kind of chewing on her finger a little bit. It must be like some baby trait I have. Anytime I see something like chewy, like a keychain or something, I'm like, damn, that'd be that'd be good my friend's pool key had like a big chewy nautica like surfboard

keychain on it oh that shit bangs they're like all sleeping upstairs like watching some like r-rated movie like doing bad stuff i'm like in the kitchen like where's the pool key sorry yeah but I was uh I was sitting in the dentist chair Jesus Christ I have ADD or something but I was sitting in the dentist chair and I was doing that fluoride treatment and this is like before like I had a basketball game later that night so like we're at the dentist like after school. So like four and the game probably starts at like seven or something like that. So I'm in the chair doing normal dentist stuff.

I don't know what the routine is, but it's time for me to get the fluoride treatment. And they're like, what flavor do you want? And I'm like, I have no idea. What do you have? have like how would I know and they're like oh okay we have bubblegum cherry and they like rip off like 17 different flavors and I'm like I don't what do you recommend I have no idea like but bubblegum probably not a good move because like come on what since when is anything bubblegum but bubblegum good

bubblegum ice cream anyway they're like oh why don't you just go with normal mint if you don't know and i'm like no shit why the hell would i get like green sour apple so they give me normal mint they put in this like double like you know a mouthpiece is just the top of your teeth? This one was both. So it was top and bottom, and they just filled it up with mint fluoride stuff. Put it in my mouth, so my teeth were soaking in this stuff for like, I don't know. And they set a timer. So I was just drooling all over the place for like six minutes, which is with mint stuff in my mouth. Like, and you got to swallow. So I'm like,

kind of, I'm like swallowing every now and then. And like probably swallowing a little bit of that stuff. And they're like, all right, time's up. When the dentist came back in, like putting his gloves on and stuff. And they like, he's like, here here you go stick this in your mouth and it'll get it all out of there and i was like oh okay and obviously i had no idea what i was doing and i put it in my mouth and it was like and i was like okay i guess it's getting it out whatever and he's like i'll be right back go ahead just keep that in there and keep and like nothing's happening I think it's working I have no idea what I'm doing I'm not trained to suck fluoride out of my mouth and it wasn't working and this is where I get like I feel like I'm gonna get in. So, dude, I just start swallowing all this fluoride.

Just lapping it down my throat. Just, I don't know. Whatever. Who cares? And then he comes back in and he's like, oh, you weren't, you got to move it around more until you hear this. And it was like, I was like, that's what i had to be doing the whole time and he like sucked it all he's like he did he did an all right job though but he had no

idea that i swallowed all that just and then of course um i feel like i'm gonna throw up after and i'm like i'm like being a tough kid about it like the way out. Like, okay, yeah, thanks for the goodie bag. You know, they get that dentist goodie bag thing with the toothpaste. It's always your backup toothbrush they give you. And like a tiny bit of floss. They're like, floss, you need a floss, you need a floss, you need a floss. And they give you floss like the size of your fingernail. Thanks, doc.

But I'm acting like it's all good. Bye, see you, can't wait for next time. But I seriously feel like I'm it's all good bye see you I can't wait for next time and but but I seriously feel like I'm gonna throw up the whole entire time so then I have to ride to this basketball game I have after with my head out the window the whole time like a dog because I think I'm gonna throw up and my mom like completely understood she was like oh you swallowed all the Oh god And on the way there I was just like Spitting out the window the whole time

At like red lights With like my jersey on Played good You're not acting like You're not hustling around on the court today What happened? I just swallowed a half a gallon of Colgate it's good it's good my parents never told me to floss that's the weirdest thing you know I do every night if I don't floss I'm like

I feel like I I don't know I just can't like hand I can't deal with myself if I don't floss and I didn't floss for like the first 20 years of my life because I don't know we never like had floss my dad was always like you don't need just swish and spit you swish and spit so most dad like yeah just we don need it, just swish and spit. Now I'm a floss god. I stay flossing in that candy paint dripping stain. I'm 24. This weekend, was that my dad's time for what my dad said wrong over the weekend

okay so my dad's like addicted to carbs like that's it like that's what he eats everything is carbs and he like guilt he like he'll be like want to get pizza and I'm like god I mean I guess it is the weekend I've been like okay this week so yeah and then we get pizza and he doesn't eat any of it and I eat I'm like what so I just feel like shit and like if you you can't be excited to get like pizza and Dairy Queen and shit and then get it and then I eat it and it's like your turn to eat and you don't eat any like i hate people that do that anyway i was like no i don't really want to get pizza because i'm not trying to eat all that like i'm not i just wasn't feeling it

and he's like and i was like if i uh if i do i'll just have a frozen pizza or something that's good enough anyway and he's like oh a di giorno still still too cool to roll the g di giorno di giorno he's italian he loves pizza not i'm not i'm not in it he was like dunkin donuts uh god if i can go one day without without any guy over 50 talking about gas prices or like the economy or war oh my god he's like starbucks is taking a hit here for being closed dunkin donuts is surprising people i think i'm like he's like i like it better it's easy bang bang it's the same thing and uh you don't have to jump through all the hoops I was like what what do you mean it's the same thing he's like yeah but you know it's not all the bull crap I was like what he's like you don't have to say all their words and stuff. I was like, oh.

Dude won't say any Starbucks names. He's like, would you like a grande, a venti, or a trinta? He's like, I'll take a medium. What would you like? I'll take a double frappe with peppermint drizzle, double caramel with extra whip. And you know what? I'll take one pup cup for the road. Mike, that's worse than the size.

I was late to, I think once you hit 24, you just stop being on time for stuff either you're like there on the dot or you're like five minutes late or seven minutes late seven minutes late is pretty late but five minutes late is like that's fine but before like before when i was like ages 18 to 24 dude i was so on time for everything. Five minutes before, I'm here! Like, that guy. Oh, he's here. I was late for yoga on Instagram. Like, how much lazier do you have to be?

Like, what if they asked us, like, why were you late? Oh, shit. I was, uh... Huh. Can't, uh, huh. Can't blame it on traffic. I hit my foot on the table and just kind of sat there for a minute, got on Twitter, and then before you knew it, late for, it starts at noon.

I was, I tuned in at 12.05. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I think it's so funny, like, even celebrities right now can't, like, you see celebrities on Instagram and stuff right now. I think it's so funny that they can't get haircuts either. Just seems like they'd have, they'd figure something out.

They look like shit. Some people look like shit. Like, saw p diddy on instagram he looks like crap man like you don't have anybody anything nothing you can't like shave god when some people can't get haircuts they're just helpless like just trim it up yourself a little bit. You're not like, some people just have no idea what to do with their caveman. When their caveman comes out, they're just like, no, I can't.

You have eyes, but girls were right. I guess it's just the girls were right because guys in general look better with longer hair. It just looks more like casual, I guess. It just looks more like, yeah, whatever. I get white guys. White guys look better with just like, yeah, yeah. I don't care hair.

Rather than just like shave size, sir, yes, sir. Anytime a white guy gets a short haircut i'm like so uh which platoon i am that guy i think guys get haircuts just to feel fresh like we don't really care but it just feels sometimes i'm like damn i might get a haircut just to like turn this day around i'm a bitch if i'm having like a bad day And I get a haircut Like You do feel like

100% different After you get a haircut You're like Oh hi What's up Yeah One time I did get a haircut And people like

Looked at me I was like Damn really They looked at me like Who's that? That's me walking from my car into the entrance of the mall, like the poppin' entrance. Not like through dicks, through like the entrance that they built that like has the fountain in front of it with a haircut obviously oh my god who's who's who's

that's every guy that's not me that's every guy and you can like your your facial hair just like when you get a haircut it's like damn but it's like it doesn't even matter like i always try to like shave but when i have some facial hair but i have a haircut it's like i don't have to say what it is. You just know what it is. Did you get a haircut? I just look at them. And over their Bluetooth speaker that's not even plugged in. Doo doo doo. Oh my god, that guy.

Doo doo doo. Doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo dooo Oh my god, that guy. Okay. What else, huh? I figured out this is the most mom thing I've ever done. And I have been keeping track lately that I do a lot of mom and dad shit now. And it's so embarrassing. But I thought that... I still't even like admit to it i thought drake the tussy slide i can't say tussy like i just i can but i can't you know it's one of those cinny mini things i'm gonna ask my dad to say tussy that's some shit he probably would say.

Like, he won't say, like, snickerdoodle, but he'll be like, tussy. I don't know. Like, it just sounds like damn. Like, how does, like, a rapper that's, like, feeling, like, hard, like Drake, like, you know, he's like, tussy. What should we call this dance, dog? It's going to go viral. And this shit go hard. What are you thinking?

Tootsie. I thought it was, okay, this is my mom. I thought it was the Tootsie Slide. God, that sounds so lame. And I put the in front of it. You know how moms do that? Got it off the Amazon. I did that.

Wow, I did that. And I tweeted it with that. I almost deleted the tweet because I put the in front of it. God! Tootsie slide. See, that's like a grade school dance. Oh my God, the tootsie slide. Tootsie.

Shake your tootsie. Oh, why did I say that? Left foot up, right foot slide. This is how we do it when my tootsie's in my ride. I heard this last night. I was just like listening to music randomly. S-A-S-U-K-E. I can't.

I have to do that when I can't read stuff. This came on like. When I want to get new music, I just go to like the Apple playlist and go to like hip hop. This is probably like the oldest way to get, the stupidest way to get new music. But I just go to Apple music and then like Rap Life has like 30 bangers on there that like they always update. But this song came on shuffle.

Okay. What if it was really this song though? Damn, you're having a moment last night. Okay, this. I can make it left, right. When she take her ass and change it. Yeah, she's so nasty. Yeah, she's so nasty.

Yeah, she's so nasty. Yeah, she's so nasty. Yeah, she's so nasty. Yeah, she's so nasty. Hold on. Okay, that's Lil Uzi Vert. Little. God, I called Lil Jon Little Jon the other day with T's.

Man, that was whack. But this is Lil Uzi Vert. Suzuki. God, I hope that's how you say that. S-A-S-U-K-E. Sasuke? Anyway, but seriously, listen to this shit. What if you're listening to that in your car, like, at a red light?

Like, you know when people are listening to the songs way too loud? I always make sure I'm never doing that. Because every time someone is i'm like are you okay like holy at a red light i'm like dude it's just we're like on like we're like in the suburbs what are you on what if you were at a red light when this came on like windows down summer nice day like today I'm trapped there like Sasuke She keep trying to clean me up But I just want that sloppy Just chilling at a red light Sasuke, Sasuke Yeah, yeah

Sounds like a baby She so nasty Yeah, she so nasty When I burp on my bib I'm so nasty She so nasty Yeah, she so nasty Got me Mommy, I bib. I'm so nasty. She's so nasty. Yeah. She's so nasty. Mommy, I want more peas.

You're so nasty. Yeah. She's so nasty. Yeah. She's so nasty. Yeah. Sasuke. Sasuke.

What was your baby's first word? Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke.

Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke. Sasuke.

Sasuke. See, that's a thing too This is the thing This is what I always do I'll make fun of this song And then next week I will be the guy With my windows down

And the red light Sasuke Sasuke Damn That's my whole life I guarantee I'm gonna like this song In one week

Bro I'm gonna go on my Instagram story. Yo, that Sasuke shit bangs. Anyway, what else were we talking about? My first words as a kid or something. Yo, Sasuke, Sasuke. What do you want?

Honey, honey, look at me. Honey, look at me. It's breakfast time. What do you want? Honey, honey, look at me. Honey, look at me. It's breakfast time. What do you want with your eggs? I'll take one grand slam. You're at, oh shit, you're at Denny's. I'll take one grand slam. Instead of the bacon, can I substitute it for

Sasquatch? Okay, thank you. Yeah, and just a wad or two. But make sure, can you cook it medium well? Cook what, honey? Sasquatch? Okay, I'm done. It can make it nasty.

No, I don't want it nasty. I just want it medium well. What else, huh? You guys want to go viral? Damn, I wasted a lot of time on that. Susky. I actually got a piss, but when I come back, we're va-va-va-va-va-va. Be right back. It can make it nasty.

Okay, I'm back. I don't know why I just did that like it was a live show, but I just figured you guys had to know. That could have been a good time for you guys to pause and go to the bathroom. I'm thinking of you, you, you, you, you. Viral. Viral. Hashtag sum up my life in four words.

Man, I really don't want to do that one sum up my life in four words i was just kidding except for every time i'm kidding i'm serious what hashtag back in the day I was thinking about this the other day cause I'm watching stranger things damn I never my chiller the other day goes

yo Ben when did you start watching shows my dumb ass was like vulnerable washing dishes so my ass was like facing his and it was like, you know, when you're at a pencil sharpener and it's like shaking, I was doing that. It's like, when do you watch shows? I was like this. What? Like I hadn't heard him completely, but I was like, what? Just, I had more time to think of my answer. What'd you say? And he said it again. And I was like, I turned the water off. So then I like, now it's showtime. What'd you say and he said it again and I was like I turned the water off so then I like

now it's showtime what'd you say when'd you start watching shows and I was like um dude it's not bad he like gave me a chance he was like man that's when you know this is getting bad when Ben starts watching shows I was like thank god I don't have to answer. I have no idea why I start watching shows. Because it rocks. I never do, man. I don't know. People were just talking about it a lot. People.

My sister and Joey were like, watch it. So I am. They can't steer me wrong. It is kind of hard, though. Half the reason I watch Stranger Things, honestly, is because of the font. The font goes hard. And like 6% of people know what I'm talking about. That font goes hard. Whoever designed that, thank you.

And the music bangs. And I like alien shit. And the characters are dope. It's weird how characters grow on you, you know? It's weird how they, like, the science of, like, film and stuff. Like, at the beginning, I, like, hated, oh, I hated, like, six people in the show. Now they're, like, my, like, wallpaper on my phone. They're, like, my icon on, like, Gmail.

It's heating up, though. I still don't know any of the characters names but I like them I know like two I know like the main character and like the the the guy I'm on season three don't know anybody's name it's me in real life too oh the guy with the hair what was it again Scott okay oh yeah yeah anyway um what was I talking about back in the day or something God. Oh, yeah, yeah. Anyway. What was I talking about? Back in the day or something? Hashtag back in the day.

Okay. In Stranger Things, they, like, do kid shit all the time. So they, like, ride bikes everywhere. And they, like, slam them down in their driveway and, like, run in their friend's house. Like, dude, one time I tried doing that when I was a kid, and I did. And my mom ripped me dude like my bike tire was like still like circulating you know because it was like it was like I hopped off so quick and like just wanted to look cool and just she's like you're a ragamuffin who says that dm me if if your mom ever called you or parents ever called you a ragamuffin what the hell how could you take that offensive like as a kid

she called me a something that has to do with a muffin muffins like the softest sweetest thing Let's call somebody that now Pushing them You're a bitch You're a ragamuffin Sasuke Sasuke Hashtag we need a cure for I have no idea why this hasn't happened

And I've talked about this probably every podcast Since I've been solo. How is there not a cure for balding? There has to be one. Are you kidding? You can track your heart rate with your phone, but I still look like a dickhead walking around? Every single guy in the world, every guy, just with

a peninsula on his head. Hey! I'm gonna have a tough time doing that head shave thing. Wow. Somebody in the comments on Instagram or something was like, yo, you need to come to grips with that hair, bro, and just shave it. I was like,

already? There's no good, no thing for guys, unless you get that surgery where they like take follicles from the back of your hair. Not that I've researched this, but, and they like put them all over where you're like, you need hair. But I heard you have to do that like three times if you want it to be successful. And you got this big scar on the back of your head. Oh, he looks good from the front. Oh, God, he looked great hair from the back. Ugh.

I don't get how there's not a cure for that. Eye transplant, and you can see, but still look like a monk. Sasuke. Hashtag picky about the wrong stuff. Damn, it sounds like I made that up. I have like the worst girlfriend, but I'll be like super, super critical about like a salad I'm ordering. Uh-uh. Ew.

Oh. Cilantro? No cilantro, please. I always pick out the weird stuff. I can never have like a cute, sweet, nice girlfriend. That always has to be like some girl with like vampire teeth. I'm like, that's it. There we go.

Now we're talking. Maybe cute ass girls are just boring. I don't know. A girl that's like too sweet. I could never date a girl that's like too sweet. You know? You just get that vibe like right out of the gate you're like damn I can't even like talk shit about you like you know just playfully that's the most fun if you like feel like she'd like cry and like run home and never come back you'd be like okay just said your phone case was lame you gotta have a girl you can like talk shit with though that's fun

you know there's a line though you know when you're like messing around that's dope i always used to go i always used to say the wrong stuff like when my sisters would ask me growing up because i didn't know like one time damn one time i told my sister she looked like my dad and i will never forget her face i was like oh my god like i didn't know it was bad i was just like you look like dad right now and she's like what i was like oh holy um she's like i do do? And I was like, no. I mean, just like at the time. And she's like, that was one second ago. I was like, uh.

It's different with like your sisters and stuff, though. They'll tell you the damn truth, dude. Jesus Christ. A lot of times my sister called me box head, dude. Because of my hair some days. Your head looks like a square just right right out of the blocks right when you come downstairs i remember the first time i wore a sleeveless shirt in public holy shit i walked downstairs it was like a symphony uh you have to have muscles before you can wear that. Walk back to my room with my head down.

One time my sister asked, she was like, she set me up. She was like, hey, Benny, do my legs look big? And I was like, yeah, kind of. I thought it was like, I thought that's what she like wanted. So I was like, kind of, yeah. Oh. Really? No. that's what she like wanted so I was like kinda yeah really no I mean like depending on what you're asking like strong

for sure but like not like no no no no alright let's do days Wednesday today Alright let's do days Wednesday Today National zipper day

Man that is so weird That can happen to anybody When you're like zippers down At the worst times You know you can feel it You're just like talking to somebody And you're like oh I think it is But you can feel it you're just like talking to somebody and you're like oh I think it is but you can't look down

it's like a lose lose you can't like casually just like look at your zipper it's like always like always checking you can't just like be like you know how you like crack your neck and like look at somebody or something you can't just like I just hit my head on the mic

but you can't just like look down because then you gotta like see too because sometimes like that flap on front of your on the front of your jeans is like over it but it's still down so sometimes you gotta like investigate you can't just casually do that and if you look down and it is zipped up it's like still it's like did he just look at his own dick mid-conversation i've had that happen to me so many times on stage where i'm up there and like i'm like two minutes in i'm like holy shit yep it's down sometimes you just gotta tell them midway through a joke. Hey, I just thought about this. I think my zipper's down.

National Denim Day. I always kind of wanted a jean jacket. Nah, not always. Maybe like the last year. Like people have been wearing them and popping off so I'm like, oh, that'd be kind of hard. What if I had one? Thursday.

National Adopt-a-Shelter Pet Day. Okay. Yeah, maybe. I'd think about it. Just depends on what they look like, you know? And if they're, like, scared shitless, that'd be so annoying to deal with having to gain a dog's trust. Come on National Bugs Bunny Day Every time I think about Bugs Bunny I think about this

This is gonna be crazy so I think I finally remembered oh I watched Bugs Bunny when I was a kid one time just cuz like those are the cartoons I watch like Bugs Bunny and I don't know they're just on at a certain time when nothing else was on and like I watched Bugs Bunny one time and this was the episode and I'll never forget I thought it was I was like did someone hack my TV is this Okay, this is like a remix But it was that Of Why did I have to do this? But it was that. Of course. Did I make that?

But it was that episode. I can't find like the actual thing, but it was this at the beginning. Did you ever have the feeling you was being watched? And then like he would just, it was like the creepiest shit at night. And he's like, has like a nightgown on and he's like carrying around a candle. It's so scary for kids to watch. But now every time I see Bugs Bunny I think of that and I get kind of like scared. Like I don't like him as much.

I'm like damn. I always only remember like the bad stuff. I got a feeling. National Oatmeal Cookie Day. That's all I really need to know about a person, to like them or not. You like oatmeal cookies? Oatmeal raisin cookies? Yeah, they're not bad.

Okay. It's fine. We can hang out and stuff. We're good. Oh, I hate oatmeal raisin cookies. Like, why does that have such a big effect on me? I'm like, I can't even look at you anymore. It's such a big piece of my life that I'm like I can't no Friday National Chocolate Parfait Day oh I was like the worst news on me and my family's life when McDonald's came out and said like

parfaits have the same amount of fat as sundaes. We're like, okay. I hated getting a McDonald's parfait and the fruit would still be frozen. It's like, why couldn't I just wait? Girl, I can't help but wait. Do you know what this parfait? Okay. Mom, I can't help but wait for the fruit to thaw out a little.

I can't help but wait. Eat it in one second and get a brain freeze. And my teeth hurt. School lunch hero day. Sometimes we were so loud at lunch like so, not even it would be like any day. Like lunch would be the same every day.

It's like finally we get to like, I'm talking about like grade school lunch. But it'd always be like at the most random times our principal would like just come downstairs in the cafeteria. We're all just like chilling, doing our normal everyday thing. just like chilling, doing our normal everyday thing. And it wasn't like so much louder, but she'd just come down and be like, put her finger in front of her mouth for like four minutes until everybody noticed. Teachers think they're so dope for that shit.

Like eventually people would be like, it's always Miss Perkins. Miss Perkins. Oh my God. Some girl would be going crazy with yellow teeth and spitting all over the table. Miss Perkins would be over there like, what a sergeant. And then all the teachers that were around you at lunch too would be like look look at our leader teachers are so stupid then everything would get quiet and they wouldn't say

anything and they just walk right back out biggest or they'd start talking and be like so like quiet compared to what you thought it was gonna be they'd start talking and it'd be like so like quiet compared to what you thought it was going to be. They'd make some big deal. Everybody get a shout all to dead silence and they'd be like, We cannot keep doing this. You thought it'd be like, Everyone, be quiet.

Everyone, silence for the rest of the lunch. But they're like this is not okay. Saturday, National Truffle Day. You know that Drake song. You guys know what I'm talking about.

I don't even know why I'm doing this. Anytime anybody says truffle. Hey, it also has a little bit of that in some truffle. Wait, what does it have? It has a little bit of pecans. It has some crumble on top. The crust underneath is chocolate, actually. We'll put whipped cream on the edges.

I hate this dude if your waitress just like that played at the cheesecake factory and your waitress is sitting there one more time what was the last thing you said that song goes hard actually though When that came out I was like This is my favorite song

This is my favorite song This one You know when you like a song so much You like claim it That was me with this song. I'd go on all the YouTube, like when they, you know, YouTube puts the music up. I'd put hashtag best song on all of them. YouTube puts the music up, I'd put hashtag best song on all of them.

God, Drake's so cool. Listen to his ass. Pretty women, I hear. He doesn't even say, are you here? God damn it! Hold on. I know, I know. We're over the timeline, but hold on.

Disappear right now. Look, you're getting all your friends and you're getting in the car and you're coming to the house. Are we clear right now, huh? Hold on. Are you clear right now? That's like what my grandma would say. You're getting in the car and you're getting all your friends. Are you clear right now? That's like what my grandma would say. You getting in the car and you getting all your friends, are we clear right now?

She's like in front of the garage, like making sure everything's okay and safe. Oh my god, I hate this so much. Okay. Okay. That's enough. My mom's mad at me. I can tell. Okay, that's enough. My mom's mad at me. I can tell. Do you know? Okay, Sunday.

This is so fried. National lumpy rug day. What a specific ass day. One time I was, oh God. One time we had a kitchen. There's always a rug near the kitchen sink. The kitchen sink. That's my favorite cookie at Panera. There's always a rug near the kitchen sink. The kitchen sink. That's my favorite cookie at Panera.

There's always a rug. And one time it was all lumpy. And I was running in the kitchen. And my toe jammed on it. Can you just feel that on a lumpy rug? It's like... And my whole toe went under itself. But the rest of my foot was like...

Like straight. And my whole toe like went under itself, but the rest of my foot was like Straight National two different color shoes day. I Don't see that too much Girls with two different colored socks though. When's that over? How does that not drive you guys crazy? That is the weirdest thing to me One pink one blue What it do? Girls are so particular in organizing and stuff. Markers here.

Highlighters here. My calendar is on the wall. Color coordinated. And I have one black and one pink sock on. Hey! And their legs are always like this. I just got a cramp, but you know what I mean?

One pink, one blue, what it do? This is their leg. All right, I gotta get off this. One more. National. No, that's good. That's it.

That's it. Thanks for listening. Shot 104. Seriously it thanks for listening shot 104 seriously thanks for listening because that was a lot of just me saying stuff I don't even know who listens to this honestly the only people I know that listen to this seriously are my family and definitely not my dad that'd be a nightmare but But yeah. So thank you so much. It really means like, if somebody was like, I listened to your podcast, that's like the, you can't say anything to me that like means more honestly. Cause it's so dope. Like if you actually feel me on some of this stuff, which I think it's kind of, I think you

might like, let me know because I love that. Like I put out content and stuff, but like, this is, this is just freewheeling. Like I think about the videos I put out and stuff and like try to make them funny. This is just me like saying shit, but thank you for listening so much. Subscribe, write a review, please. It helps follow me on Instagram at Benedict Polizzi, TikTok at Benedict. Follow me on Instagram at Benedict Polizzi, TikTok at Benedict Polizzi, Twitter at Ben Polizzi. Follow Joey too. He's putting out some stuff and we're doing some videos and stuff at Joey Molinaro. I think that's on all platforms since I'm so super serious now. All platforms. Okay. It was fun. It really really was that was probably the best time i've ever had doing a podcast

but talk to you guys next week i fam uh baking out loud i must have a quarter million on me right now hard to make a song about something other than the money