Espresso - u got cona?

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

weirdest monday ever | the young and the restless | sounds we like | girl scout cookies | COACHES | ducks are hot

God damn it. Let's party. Okay. Turn it up. Turn it up. What up? Let's party. Why is this every song at every club ever?

This is what me and Joey used in our bar video. I hate it, but I love it. They always got to talk at the beginning. Come on. Every time. Rappers always try to be so hard and they come into like, then they make like their little kid say something at the beginning of the song that like takes it all back. We'll run up in your crib. We don't care.

Daddy, you're a genius. Genius. You guys know what I'm talking about. Okay. Shot 104? Shit. Hold on. Damn, I really don't know.

This is stupid. 103. Oh, my God. Okay, yeah. Shot 103. What's up? Remember to subscribe, follow. I'm just going to say this every time, so get used to that ish.

Follow me on social media. Instagram at benedictpolizzi. Twitter benpolizzi. TikTok benedictpolizzi. And subscribe to this podcast on Apple Podcasts. And send it to a couple peeps. Because we're partying, baby baby this has been a weird week man i think monday might have been the weirdest day of my life i like i don't know i was ready to go

to bed at like 5 p.m that was just the weirdest i hate being that guy But I don't turn into myself Until like Thursday Monday I just feel like Such an idiot I'm like out of place on Monday Cause I'm just like oh I gotta do all this stuff I gotta fill my week with all this stuff

And then Thursday comes around and I'm like With our powers combined I'm a totally different person on Thursday than I am Monday Totally different answers to questions Just 100% I look different on Thursdays Did he get a tan? No

I'll never get a tan again I'm scared to get tans I used to go to tanning beds like Seriously? This sounds so whack I used to go to tanning beds, like, seriously? This sounds so whack. I used to go tanning, like, oh, my God. I used to go tanning probably, like, getting, oh, I can't believe I'm about to say this. I went three times a week.

It's not surprising at all. But that was, like, the move back then. Okay, maybe one time a week was the move and I overdid it like everything. But it was dope at the time. Now I'm scared. One time I fell asleep in the tanning bed and I think I was in there for an hour. And they didn't even say anything. And I just got up up wiped the tanning bed

off and walked out there I'd see ya you're in here for four and a half hours that is such a weird place no wonder they're not open anymore when easy tans closed a part of my heart like collapsed I used to go by easy Tans it's just this stupid like duh tanning bed name like it seems like that Easy Tans would be like a tanning bed on Grand Theft Auto you know how they name like everything's so generic

it'd be a Grand Theft Auto tanning bed and my health teacher at one point was like if you want to get rid of your acne hate to say it but the tanning bed is the best place to do that i was like okay sign seal delivered health teacher so what were we talking about oh monday that was like really really really too soon but like not how come it wasn't surprising at all I was like disappointed in Florida but it's like Florida just seems like its own thing now. Florida is the most Florida move. Like, yeah, we're ready when nothing else is open.

Okay, Florida. F-L-A-R-I-D-A. God damn, that's how my dad says that shit. Well, yeah, you and your mother are in Florida. Make me want to pass out on the ground he called it oh my god he called it Kona virus this week yeah I don't be safe out there in the Kona virus I immediately that'll ruin my whole day like that yeah we're like kona i'm like can you at least like check yourself and like re-correct it and be like oh corona i just leave it dead i just leave it like let it linger for like three seconds and just close

shut my eyes so hard okay it's like the hardest thing I've ever had to go through Kona Kona Ice What else is Kona? Oh, Kona Jack's That's why my dad said that, damn He loves this restaurant called Kona Jack's Of course!

Kona Jack's Yeah, that was weird I saw somebody at the store Jax! Yeah, that was weird. I saw somebody at the store. Like, nice guy. Definitely nice. Which means I'm about to make fun of him. No, but definitely nice.

You ever see somebody that, like, you see them and you're like, oh, that's that guy, but I'm not going to. They're going to talk to me for too long. Like, they're nice, and you just wish it could be like, oh, that's that guy, but I'm not gonna... They're gonna talk to me for too long. Like, they're nice and you just wish it could be like, what's up? But you just can't. Like, it's just... It's un... Like, you literally... I had to avoid them the whole time.

I went... I probably spent, like, an extra ten minutes in the store just going, like, different routes so this dude wouldn't see me. Like, ducking behind shelves and stuff. Like, I was in, like, a shootout. Get down! wouldn't see me like ducking behind shelves and stuff like I was in a like a shootout get down what's the matter what's wrong that guy's gonna talk to me for 10 minutes especially right now I wish there was some type of signal because there's some, not so many people,

but there's always like three people in your life where you're like, damn, I can't talk. I can't even look. I can't go over there because they'll just, they won't stop. How do they not know?

I love people that are in good moods and want to talk and stuff, but like, bro, this isn't your hour you're putting down here. This isn't your hour you're putting down here I wish you could just like like them like you do on the internet when you want somebody to shut up You just like double tap. I'm just gonna go up to people and start tapping them in the chest Dude won't shut the hell up just Oh, all right, man. No, it's all good. See ya.

But whenever you cut that person off, whenever you stop the person that wants to talk for a long time before they're ready, it seems like they're mad at you. And you're like, dude, we're not in a talk. We're not sitting on the couch drunk. Like, we're doing shit. I don't want to be mean, but you're yappy. doing shit i don't want to be mean but you're yappy all those teams in the nfl are getting new uniforms i like talking about uniforms so i don't know how anybody doesn't like uniforms unless you're like 80 years old but that's my that's my shit this whole i could do this whole entire podcast about the Chargers uniforms.

Easy. Yeah, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers got new uniforms. Hype. They look good. Nothing wrong with them. I kind of wish they had black instead of that charcoal gray. See, now I'm going to start getting all nerdy. Who else got them?

The Browns got them. Those are hype. I kind of wish they had orange pants I don't know why they didn't do that Hopefully they do and just surprise everybody The Chargers just got them And those are They might get an A plus on those uniforms I wish I could like show you guys

But look it up Chargers new uniforms People probably already know what they look like But they're like old school, cool I saw a picture and already know what they look like, but they're like old school, cool. I saw a picture and the numbers kind of look like, the threes kind of look like Dale Earnhardt threes. So my dude Davey brought that up. And on the back of the jersey with the threes, the name of the jersey, it's Derwin James. And it says James Jr. on the back, so it just looks like a total NASCAR fan shirt.

Yee! Yeah, that three, that Earnhardt. The three with the halo on it. That's exactly what the Chargers numbers look like. Why does every NASCAR name sound like a NASCAR name? You know what I'm talking about? Like, NASCAR names just have a distinct, like, oh, Earnhardt, Harvick, Casey Kane,

Ricky Stenhouse Jr. How come there's no Italian guys in NASCAR? Jeff Gordon Kyle Busch Danny Hamlin This is the best one right here Martin Truex Jr. Brad Keselowski

I need more I need more I need more I need more I need more Truex Jr. That name's kind of hard actually That could go for anything Chase Elliott I need more. I need more. I need more. I need more. Truex Jr. That name's kind of hard, actually.

That could go for anything. Chase Elliott. I just need one more and I'm out. Kyle Larson. Kyle Larson. Okay, one more. No. I know there's one that's just like, yep.

That's it. Maybe it's Harvick. Because of Kenny Hamlin. Danny Hamlin. Of course, Danny. NFL draft is Thursday since we're talking about sports. That's like a big deal. That's kind of the biggest thing that's been happening since this whole thing went down.

That and that Jordan documentary. Sports was sports. That Jordan documentary kind of got me though. I was watching it and they were showing clips of all these old NBA teams. And I just, duh, got on MitchellandNess.com and just ordered some stupid stuff. Sunday night. Sunday night and Monday, just the epitome of two different emotions. Sunday for me is just like the music from the Bold and Beautifuls playing all day. I don't know what it is

But I'm such an emotional bitch Me on Sundays Okay that's way too happy That's not it That's not it. That's not it. Bold and the Beautiful. What's the other one?

What's the other soap opera? Soaps. I'm watching my soaps. That's another thing moms always say with the S. Honey, no. Shh. Soaps. Soaps on.

Is that a soaps? Soaps on. Damn. Bold and the Beautiful. Days of Our Lives. i know all these because i don't know why my mom is addicted to these i'm like mom are you and she my mom knows soap operas are lame but she still is like you know when a kid's watching tv and their mouth is like their jaws like on the floor that's my mom during these dude

and I'll go up to her and be like mom you know this is so lame right and she's like yes I know no watch out Betty Betty you're a piece of shit Betty give me my money all right here we go this is me on Sundays the following program oh my god on Sundays. Oh my God. Why does this have to be in like 1912? Okay. It's not

Days of Our Lives. It's the Young and the Restless. This is me every Sunday from wake up till 10 p.m. when I get into my bed and just... I don't get in my bed at 10 p.m. What am I talking about? But here we go.

Yep. Wake up. Look around my room. Look at my phone. Just sigh. Eat an apple in the kitchen. It's a bunch of... Just this all day.

Yeah. I know. Even if I'm doing something fun, this is going on the back of my head. Right. On a roller coaster. That was fast. It was fast. Yeah.

It used to be fast. Yeah. Uh-huh. I'm thinking my family and my friends Remember? Yesterday when everything was fine? Ha, yeah It was all fine Mm-hmm, yeah

What am I gonna eat for dinner? I don't know You know what? Don't worry about it I'll take care of it Hm, yeah Hey,. I'll take care of it. Hmm. Yeah.

Hey, maybe I'll see you soon. That's me every Sunday. God damn it. He's the most dramatic man. He's the most dramatic man in the world. And then Monday is this. And I hate it All the way Right here Sun up to sundown And yesterday there wasn't even anything to go and do

At 5 o'clock I was like Ready for bed See ya See you guys Thursday Okay Now that you guys know everything oh yeah okay so nfl draft is thursday that's what we were saying man i do that a lot probably too much nfl draft is thursday that'll be cool you know what that means though right It's the return of the best sound of all time I'm like I'm weird with

With sounds Like 98% of sounds I hate Like the this happened to me this weekend The dryer sound oh my god A sudden Like that but then also It's telling you you gotta like do laundry that's the worst noise of all time but this is this thursday the two percent of the best sound

one more time when somebody gets picked in the nfl draft uh this plays oh Oh my God. He's talking about sports again. Ashley, we have to sometimes. That's our producer, Ashley. Whatever. Just play it. It's pretty good. I thought I was grown out of it and I thought I'd be annoyed by it by now, but I'm not. It's good.

Kind of wind chimey. Wind chimes can get annoying as hell when it's windy. You're like, okay! NFL draft sound, not bad. Also, this sound too. This is two oh this is a this isn't this is nice okay that was loud as shit oh my god okay hold on this okay Jesus Christ next maybe this will be you know maybe that's not even that good. Hold on. Maybe if it's lower. That's pretty good.

Game Boy sound. Type. I'm trying to think of other sounds that I honestly don't mind. This used to be... I almost bought this phone because of this sound. There's songs about it, like rap songs about it. They'd be like, yo, hit me on my next tail chirp. It was like the dumbest phone, but it had the coolest ringtone.

And I was like, I kind of want that because of the sound. Next tail ringtone chirp. This is going to be hype. This is going to be hype. Hold on, people. What's up, mom? Yo, hit me up, dude. Oh, that was it.

They're like, where are you at? Hold on. Where are you at? Construction guys would feel so dope with that. Yeah, we're over here in East neighborhood. One more time, what'd you say? I'm right over here. Yep, on the ladder.

Oh, that was a good one. Let's end it on that. Those are three sounds I can get behind. I was trying to think of other sounds that are pretty dope. Those and then that sound from... Hold on, I gotta sneeze. That's every sneeze, by the way. But the sound in Happy Gilmore, when, like, he has to...

He's, like, playing as it lies, and there's, like, all that crap in the middle. There's, like, a whole entire, like, camera stand and, like, all this stuff. And it, like, hits, like, 19 million things, and all their heads are like... a stand and like all this stuff and it like hits like 19 million things and all their heads are like the last sound it makes before it comes out of that tube no i'm just gonna hold up i'm gonna find it okay here we go here we go it's gonna be a commercial for sure for nearly 100 years we've worked to provide you with... It's the longest commercial in the world. All right, here we go. Oh, and Virginia, in case you were wondering, my jacket size is 44 long.

My right arm is just a little longer than my left. Happy, hit it around the tower, sink your butt, and we'll go to sudden death. Alright. You guys know what I'm talking about? This is so long, but it's worth it. Shut up. It's gone. All their heads are moving. I'm trying to figure out what that song is in the background, but... This right here. This right here. This right here. This right here.

Right here. Oh, damn it. It wasn't as good as I thought. Ah! Okay, I thought it was more like... Like that, but it's not. Damn, that was a long waste of time. Okay. Yep.

The sounds I... I hated growing up when you start up your computer in the Windows. Like, I'd always be... Like, 90% of the time I was getting on the computer And as a kid I'd be sneaking on it Oh Microsoft Windows Sounds like a nightmare But this would always be

Why was this always at full blast Oh Benny Oh shit It'd ruin everything kill the whole vibe It was always on 90 million percent volume What else happened Um It ruined everything, killed the whole vibe. It was always on 90 million percent volume. What else happened?

That hexagon game. Did anyone else see that? Or I just follow like complete idiots. I probably follow complete idiots. But no, that had to come across. That was so weird. Like, you know, when you just know something's a scam? Like, that was 100%. Whenever, like, bank accounts, whenever people are screenshotting pictures of their bank accounts, it's like, dude, no.

I don't even look at my own bank account. Why the hell would I put it on social media? That's probably my worst nightmare. I'd rather post a picture of me naked than put my bank account on Instagram or something and all the people playing that hexagon game like they those were the people that still put the dollar sign like after the money let's go viral. V-v-v-v-v-viral. Hashtag name your wine. I don't know any names of wine. I'm actually, man, I'm such a basic ass with wine.

I don't know anything about it. Like you give me a $300 bottle of wine and like a $7 bottle of wine, I'm like, God, that's one good wine. There are two different kinds. Oh, I don't know anything. I like it dry. If it's like 10 bucks, it's cool. Eight bucks seems like that's not a good idea.

But 10 is like, all right. Hashtag, my pet thinks I'm a bad human. My pet thinks I'm a bad human my pet thinks I'm a bad human my dog didn't used to like me because I didn't used to like when it would like I hated when I would be in the kitchen eating something it'd be like looking at me like I'm like that's all you want like you seriously if I was doing this in any other room you would not care. I just hate that part about dogs But I didn't like it and I'd be like no no and it wouldn't listen to me I'd like kind of kick him a little bit like not like kick him but like little like a little like You know like just enough for him to be like oh shit. All right. Yeah So for a while he didn't like me and then I want him over somehow

Dogs can tell like your vibe, I think. Cause now when I go around animals, they're like, hell yeah, dude, Ben's here. But when I used to go around animals, I'd be like, dog, I don't know. He might snap. He might snap. My pet thinks I'm a bad human. I guess one time my pet was looking at me. My pet? Like it's a hamster. One time my dog was looking at me crazy because okay, this is weird but they sell these like dried up

sweet potatoes at TJ Maxx and they're for dogs. Obviously, they're like dog treats and they're like tough as they're like dog treats and they're like they're like tough as hell and we got them one time and my mom was like I've just been eating those and like that would be the weirdest thing to tell anybody else but I was like I was like no what and she's like I just eat those they're so good and I was like they're for dogs though and she's like, I just eat those. They're so good. And I was like, they're for dogs though. And she's like, yeah, but all natural.

So one time I was just putting down these dried up like sweet potatoes. I wish you guys knew what I was talking about. Maybe I'm the only one that likes food completely charred. Besides popcorn, but like any other food that's like grilled or anything, I'm like burn the shit out of it. Sometimes like stale animal crackers, I'm like, I can actually rock with these harder than the fresh ones. Stale pretzels, I'll eat like 32 of them and be like, yeah, they're all right. Are you serious?

Yep. No, but one time I was just housing these dried sweet potatoes right in front of my dog. And my dog just kept looking at me. It was like the, you know how they like cock their head? Hmm? Hmm? Hmm? Those are my potatoes?

Hmm? You're insane. Hmm? You're a piece of, Betty, you're a piece of shit. Hmm? I don't think I was a bad human, but my dog was like, what, you're eating piece of shit i don't think i was a bad human but my dog was like what you're eating my food now hashtag i walk to my own beat bye how do you walk to your own beat i walk slow man if we're talking about walking pace i'm like that i walk slow I don't like when people walk fast.

I'm always like, what is happening? What am I missing? I walk stupid slow. We always used to take walks when I was a kid. And my family would be like, or not my family, my whole family on a walk. That would be... It'd always be like three people on a walk. And they'd always be like 50 yards ahead of me. I'd just be chilling, like looking at stuff. My dad would call me the duck.

I don't know if ducks walk slow. Do they? They're not bad. I saw a duck today and ducks are beautiful. I could write a paper on how much like ducks mean me, opposed to how much I hate geese. Ducks, when you see a duck and a goose, aren't you just like, oh, get away from that duck. Get away from that duck. You're always rooting for the duck. I've never seen a mean duck. And they look sexy.

You know what I mean? Their heads are like two-tone. When the sun hits them, you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. There's like white, there's like a white stripe like on its like side. This looks like it got like detailed at a paint shop or something. Every duck's just like, yeah. They're so damn sleek. Then you see a goose and you're like, what the, who made you?

Oh, snake head. Just a, what a bitch. Karen. Every goose. Stone cold bitch. Gary. That's every goose, Gary. Now that we talked about what I want to talk about.

Hashtag things I couldn't resist. Hashtag things I couldn't resist. I can't really resist fruit when I see fruit. Like any fruit. We had that big argument of, oh, not big argument, but I put that on Twitter. I was like, grapes are the number one fruit. They are. Sorry. That's all I got on that. argument but I put that on Twitter I was like grapes are the number one fruit they are sorry

that's all I got on that like strawberries they're good okay they're definitely good and they're definitely they were my number one fruit for a while but when you think about it like you got to do a lot of shit they go bad fast you got to cut off the leaves like it's kind of a production and like when you get that carton of strawberries like there's always four on the bottom they are like all it's like they turn them a separate way so you don't see that they're messed up or like really pale when you get grapes it's just like bang there's 42 fruit snacks just all you gotta do take them right off you gotta wash them though no i mean yeah but the bag is like for that you literally just turn the faucet on and do that no grapes are number one we're number one my dad got grapes and of course he

got like ew man of course he got like the ones that are like like the size of like ew bro they're like they look like bouncy but like they're just too big you know of course like the most my dad thing of all time to like love grapes and be all in on it and then get the grossest weirdest shape and be like so good i'm like oh god grapes are tight because they're you get the little snappy boys. Ew, bro. Big grapes. Like, why don't you just eat a whole plum? Remember when everybody loved bacon way too much?

It was like early 2010 or something. People were like, bacon. Never really liked bacon that much. Like, I get it, though. I hate to be like, dude, you don't like anything that other people like. No, like, bacon. Never really liked bacon that much. Like, I get it, though. I hate to be like, dude, you don't like anything that other people like. No, I like bacon. It's not that great. It's not.

It just makes me feel like shit. I have, like, two pieces of bacon, and I'm like, ugh. Like, bacon and syrup, like, that combination, that'll put me out for the whole day. Actually, anything with syrup on it. See ya. Bye, Miss Maple. Miss Maple, bye-bye.

Hashtag how quarantine has changed me. I think I might have a tough time coming back to real life after this. Like, right now, I can't even do stuff that I like doing I'm like I do that before everything you want to go it's turned me into a weird ass I like don't like anything anymore even stuff I like I'm like I don't know maybe like my favorite stuff hey bro wanna walk to Whole Foods? Blow a bunch of money on trail mix and make stupid videos? I'm like, maybe later Johnny. Fuck is Johnny? Everything's so like, I guess.

Just think when we have to like actually do stuff again. I'm gonna be like, that's gonna be tough. I just feel like we're like Everybody on the internet is like one Feels like we're so together right now You know Is anybody else feeling that Like when we have to go back to work and stuff It's not gonna like I feel like the internet's a whole family

Right now It's two days Wednesday Today National Earth Day. Man, nobody's going to... Ooh, yeah, people are really going to care about that this year. This is going to be the most hype Earth Day of all time.

National Girl Scout Day. Talk about hyping something up. Girl Scout cookies. It's so hard to say no to those girls, though. They'd be posted up, like, in the Circle Center Mall at a kiosk and be like, Hey, sir, do you want some cookies? And I just have to be like, No, I'm good. And they look at you like, God damn.

And you're like, I know, I just, you know what? You don't understand my situation. Okay? Talking like that to, like, a four-year-old girl. You don't understand what's going on in my life! Sarah! Bitch. I'll take the smallest.

National Jelly Bean Day. There's a lot of hype around Starburst jelly beans. I don't know why jelly bean day is today and not last week because eastern shit even though i don't know if that was last week or not jelly beans kind of messed me up when they came out with those one jelly beans that were all like bad flavors you remember those those popped off in like third grade some girls like oh this one takes like a bugger at that point i was like i don't i don't even know if i trust them anymore and i think i had one too i had one that was supposed to be like

gross man i like picked the most mild like bad jelly bean and it was like popcorn and i was like this can't be too bad maybe it'll just taste like butter even though it's disgusting and i tasted it it was just like i was like damn i this was going to ruin jelly beans for me. It did, but now I can't even eat popcorn. Yeah, jelly beans are kind of just bullshit to me. They really have to be Starburst or nothing. Those big, like, generic jelly beans that, like, your grandma would put at her house, like, how gross are those?

When you think about like a big green one thursday national cherry cheesecake day i don't think i if i had to choose cheesecake i don't think i'd ever get cherry when i get to choose anything i always mess it up dude like at the cheesecake factory if like someone else is paying and it's like yeah do whatever you want and I get a cheesecake I always like over order so stupid like I go in there with a mindset like this is what I want and then I change my mind like right at the last second and regret it I'm like god like I go in for some reason like for like 10 months I've wanted blueberry cheesecake and I go in for some reason Like for like 10 months I've wanted Blueberry cheesecake and I go in

It's time to like gun to my head Wait servers right there with the pen out I'm like Reese's Mmm I really kind of low-key always want Strawberry cheesecake though Something about that plain cheesecake I like plain shit

I do that with blizzards too. I like go to Dairy Queen with one intention. One reason. One intention. One team. One dream. I'm like pep-talking myself on the way to Dairy Queen. How hype is that moment though?

You pull up and you're like, damn. You always forget about the sizes you're like fuck do i want a small like do i need this much ice cream you never need that much ice cream small is always like bang perfect that's good it's good i feel good about myself feel good about myself shut up one time i got a large bro see you tomorrow i always do that though i'm like I want this one that they're advertising I want that and that's it And then I always get there and I'm like

Oh Reese's with extra hot fudge God damn it And like halfway through eating the blizzard I'm like I should get a vanilla cone All I want is vanilla ice cream I just want that plain Mmm I woke up the other night at like 3 a.m.

It's so funny that infomercials are always on that late. But I always watch them. It's such a funny thing. You get lost in an infomercial because they're always doing the most fried stuff. I'm going to glue this boat together and go on a pond. Like who's not watching that? Honestly. And there's this lady like trying out food. I think it's so funny when they do that on, they have to like overreact and they're like, okay, let me try it. They have to like switch up their tones and stuff, even though it's all fake.

Eyes rolling back in their head. Okay. Good. Always that. Good. Mmm. Mmm. It is good.

Good. With an L. Good. That's is good. Mmm. Good. With an L. Good. That's so good. That rotisserie chicken, so good. Good. Good cook. Good cook.

Okay. National Lost Dogs Awareness Day. That would hurt to lose a dog. Like if you had a dog for like four years and trained it and stuff, and then it just bounced, you'd be like, wow, it did like, that sucks that you lost your dog, but like low key, didn't like you that much. That's like the facts.

Cause if it did, it would have been like, I can't, it would know in its head, like I got no better life out here. But when a dog runs away that means it's like peace bitch and then almost like when you put flyers out and stuff is there any better way to find a dog it seems like there'd be like an instagram sponsored thing now instead of like flyers on telephone poles but then when you get your dog back you're like I mean does it even care you know like it ran away, does it even care? You know? Like it ran away and now it's back.

Like what if it was like deep down inside the dog? It's like, yeah, whatever. I was making it. National picnic day. I don't think I've ever had a real picnic. A picnic. What a weird thing to do. Sit out there with food and just eat it there

I can't enjoy anything like that anymore I can't even think about enjoying stuff like that anymore because I always this is so sad the first thing I thought about when unfolding a big like blanket thing you know when I'm talking about the red and white one that's checkered why is that like the picnic blanket in a wicker basket how do you have like a modern picnic a modern a modern picnic is like everybody just orders uber eats and eats on zoom i'd still be like yeah i'm good that tablecloth thing though does it have to be at every picnic but anyway i was thinking about that like laying it down like i i thought about the wind how annoying that would be and then i'd have to go pee like immediately so

i can't enjoy anything anymore because i have to pee seven minutes in hold on just like pop heaven just hold on on car rides i like dehydrate myself for like a month before. It's like the opposite of like playing a game. Before you play like an athletic game or football or athletic game. You like hydrate for a month before it. It's the opposite before a road trip. Two days before a road trip, I'm like, all right, just bread.

No water. More. two days before a road trip I'm like alright just bread no water more national talk like Shakespeare day no national poem in your pocket day I got a poem in my pocket and I'm talking like this face down national take

our daughters and sons to work day what What a drag that would be. I do this so I don't have to be around you guys. Just kidding, Sonny. Come on. That'd be so annoying. Like you'd get anything done. I guess it'd be like grandparents day for high school. That was really weird that that's a thing what a distract what a hazard all those grandparents at your school at one time that is not okay that's a bad idea honestly are they still doing that obviously not now but like before all this went down were they doing that grandparents day i wonder how many grandparents like they all had to pass out right maybe that's just a catholic school thing which even which makes it even more concerning because there'd be a mass you can put a bunch of

like a whole elementary school into a like a church and somebody's passing out so i can't even imagine grandparents and grandparents are always so like hot there's always one grandma with a big ass fan. Oh god. Jenny, just suck it up, Jenny. Grandmas with that, they all have afros. That's so funny. Every single one of them. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft. Friday National Pigs in a Blanket Day. Those are fun. They are. Fun food. I like pigs in a Blanket Day Those are fun They are Fun food I like pigs in a blanket way more than like Just the Those like mini hot dogs I'm not gonna say wieners even though I just did

But you know what I mean Pigs in oh the blanket okay Cause it's like a biscuit those are fire My aunt always used to make those Damn You always got that one aunt that can like straight up Cook Because it's like a biscuit. Those are fire. My aunt always used to make those. Damn. You always got that one aunt that can like straight up cook. Pigs in a blanket.

With that like crispy. Like that flaky biscuit. My mom used to get those one breadsticks. And like twist them. You know you have like the flat breadstick. Out of like the Pillsbury can. She'd like twist them at both ends. That was Amy in the kitchen grown up now I do that with my airheads actually I stack them on top of each other like a green one and a blue one and then twist in my show to all my friends I'm like oh and I'm like they watch me eat it and they're like that guy

oh and I'm like you want half and they're like nah bro why would i want half of that oh my god i think i might have it have what have myself another sorry every time i cough i think i have kona yeah it's Kona virus. National hairball awareness day. Nothing ruined my day more when there's a piece of hair in my mouth. God. And you can't get it. I can get them now. For some reason, I was like 15. I could never get it. And I just have hair in my mouth all day. But now I'm like, okay, I'm getting this before I scream bloody murder and shatter all the windows in my house. Saturday, National East Meets West Day. Is it East versus West?

Or man against man? Rocky. I had shoes called East to West one time. I lost my basketball shoes one time after a game. It was so stupid. It was in fifth grade. I had the dopest basketball shoes ever. They were like shiny and there were kind of coaches would be like, oh, you know, I hate that about coaches.

Anything you do that's cool, they're like, whoa, okay, the show off. You're wearing gloves? Dude, that was such a thing. I'm so glad kids don't have coaches that we had back then. I hate coaches like that. You're wearing gloves? You can't hold onto the ball normally? Like, dude, my fingers are bleeding every night after practice.

Like, dude, and gloves are dope, and people in the NFL wear them. Why wouldn't I do it? Okay, hot shot. Mr. Cool. Mr. Cool. And then when you drop one, like, duh, you're going to drop a pass eventually. When you drop one with gloves on, the coaches are like, All right, Colch, chill out.

Anyway, I had those shoes, and coaches would be like, Oh, no, okay, Mr. Shiny. And I lost them, and I had to, like, those shoes were dope because I got them for like cheap and usually my shoes like I found a good cheap pair that I was like I can rock with those and my mom was like happy about it and I was like hell yeah okay good we're good we're good we're squared off everybody's happy but usually the shoes I wanted were like 120. So I lost those shoes that were a good deal and everything. And I was sad.

Like, you know how you get emotionally attached to shit? Like your hoodie. Like you don't ever want to take off your hoodie. That's how I was with those shoes. Lost them. Was pissed. Looked everywhere. Like during the next game, I was like searching under people's feet and shit in the bleachers.

And they're like, I haven't seen them. Did that. And then I got those data supremes do you guys remember those the ones that were like the shiny part on them that like everybody had in 2003 I got those like the black and chrome ones and they were so popping and so much that I couldn't do it I had to return them they're too much you know when you wear something like too cool and you feel too cool and you're like, this isn't me. That's how I was with those shoes.

I was like, I can't. I got to change. Like you just feel like not. It's just too much for you. You're like, I can't. I'm going too hard right now for this. And then I got the shoes called East to West. Is it East versus West?

I'm an American man. And then I got the shoes called East to West. Is it East versus West? American's Man. National Hug a Plumber Day? Plumbers just sound like... If you say you're a plumber, it's automatically like, ugh. Every time somebody says they're a plumber, I just immediately imagine their ass crack. It's just how it goes. One and the same.

Firefighter, you imagine like the Dalmatian in the truck. Plumber, one of those weird wrenches that looks like a backwards F in an ass. Why does plumber have to sound exactly like plunger And they're both the same They're both like two inches away from each other My dad's a plunger National telephone day Hello Yellow

I think it's so weird how we say hello on the phone I don't even say hello in real life. Hello there. What if you said that walking down the street? Hello. I'd be like, guy, is there a problem? Going on the other sidewalk. But every time you answer the phone, hello.

National Kiss of Hope Day. Sounds Chinese or something. National Pool Opening Day. Hmm. That's not happening on Saturday. Unless you're in Florida. National Sense of Smell Day. I don't really have a sense of smell anymore.

I think I've got like a sinus thing. Like, you know that surgery they do you they like unclog your sinuses i need that i'll never get it maybe like after i get like fake hair and shit all the stuff i need i'll get the sinus stuff i'm about to just wear a fucking elvis wig everywhere what what's up yeah no? No, this is mine. This is my hair. Just walking into work. Uh-huh. Yeah. Yep. Yes, sir. I'll be right there. Thanks. Bye.

It's just long sideburns. Hate Elvis. If you like him, hate you too. Sunday. National Help a Horse Day. I just feel like horses, any one of those horses that are just like downtown pulling the carriages, I just cannot, I'm just waiting for one to snap and just run around the city.

When is that going to happen and how hasn't it? When is that going to happen and how hasn't it? Just galloping. Just cutting off cars. Causing wrecks. Quit horsing around. You know somebody would just be like, go cults. And then that would ruin everything.

National Pretzel Day. And I'd be the one to say that. National Pretzel Day And I'd be the one to say that National Pretzel Day I think if I'm gonna eat pretzels I'm gonna waste my carbs on Like pizza I always think about that Every time I eat a food I'm like what else could I eat that's better Later Although those like honey mustard pretzels

Though grown up And those like bits and pretzels though, grown up. Fire. And those like bits and pieces, dude, those are something crazy. Bits and pieces. They'd have like honey. Oh dude,

the Buffalo like rolled gold, like chunks. That's not even, those aren't even pretzels. That's like, I, Ooh, pouring those in your mouth, dude.

You know, when something's too good and you just chew it and you just point up to God, you don't say anything. You know when something's too good and you just chew it and you just point up to God and you don't say anything? You're just like, that's those. It's such like a college kid dorm snack. Yeah, my mom bought me some snacks. It's always those.

National Pet Parents Day. National Pet Parents Day. I think if you can get out of a relationship, like, you know when two people are, like, seriously dating and they get a dog or something, you're like, oh, shit, they're about to get married.

You know, it's, like, always, it's never just, like, it always means they're about to get married. If you can get out of, like, after you and your girlfriend get a dog, if you can get out of that, you, like, deserve a Nobel Peace Prize. Like, we don't know how he did it, but this one goes to Brad. Yeah. Uh-huh. It was a long relationship with Sarah.

They got a golden doodle. And he said, fuck it. Brad, come up here. Okay, y'all Hot 50 Let's sign off Alright remember to Follow subscribe To the Espresso podcast on Apple iTunes

Tell your homies But yeah follow me on Instagram At Benedict Polizzi Twitter at Ben polizzi tiktok benedict polizzi i'll be coming out with stuff because there's nothing else to do so okay yo i'll talk to you guys next week Yeah. Yeah. Let's get freaky. Let's party.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.