Espresso - weird stuff you did in your sleep

Episode Date: May 11, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to the weird things you've done while sleeping (like sleep sh*tting and wiping your a$$)🏁 INDIANALAND 500 DAY PARTYIndianapolis, IN 5/27 (Day before INDY500) Noon-4 @ Tin Roof FREE ENTRY 😍Support Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

When I was younger, I used to wake up and then I would have a bunch of boogers on my wall. So I literally would be sleeping and picking my nose and putting them on my wall. And then I would wake up to all this snot and not knowing how I got there. Yeah. Oh, thank God. Espresso podcast shot 262. Hey, upcoming party. Shot 262.

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It's free entry. It's throwing it down it's free entry it's no tickets which means free entry I don't know why I said it twice but I said it twice because I think it's important to say DJ C Buck

same thing as last year it's just a free for all we're not doing it's just come on come on in and we're fucking around Indiana in Indianapolis,

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And then drive a little bit. It's going to be worth it. The whole weekend is worth it. Get your Indy 500 tickets and come to our party before it. Dude, it's amazing. The setup was great last year. I had so much fun. There's going to be photography.

You'll get lit Instagram pictures. I had a stroke. Didn't want to mention it, but I had a stroke just then. And everything's perfect. It's the best party ever. We'll be putting out promo stuff for it, but come on. May 27th. See you there at noon. Let's start the show. Espresso shot 262. I'm your chiropractor, Benedict Polizzi. And today we're going to figure out the weird stuff you did while you're sleeping. But first, hey, remember to join Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every single week. Live streams on Sunday night at 10 o'clock. Yo, last week I brought out the megaphone.

Your boy brings out the megaphone and the window windows open. Who knows what's going to happen? But join Patreon, join the live stream 10 o'clock every Sunday night. Dude, you guys are fucking hilarious too. Because like it's live. There's a chat room. You guys are messaging me shit. I'm reading them. It's interactive. me shit i'm reading them we're it's interactive so much fun get in that bitch we talk about anything and it's sunday night you already know sunday night you're all weird you you every sunday night is like a full moon who knows and we're on the live stream chatting and i'm just sitting on my bed like this i've never had more fun in my life. Get in that thing. I think I'm going to rename it.

Instead of ask me anything, it's just going to be the I bite my fingernails chat room. Because that's all we do. Our feet are doing this. And we're biting our fingernails. And we're just talking about the funniest shit you've ever heard in your life.

And the megaphone's there. And there might be a bloody leg in the background you never know but join patreon five dollars a month extra episode every single week uh let's get into it what's the weird thing you did in your sleep everybody has one um me i woke up with an entirely black tongue one time. That was good. Still haven't looked up why, but I'm very self-conscious about my breath. You know, I keep the Listerine in the car. You know, I got it in the side panel, just because who knows, but it probably had something to do with that. Or I swallowed 15 tarantulas who

knows that's what i kind of think it is though and i don't want to look what else happened um in college i swear to god i wash my sheets all the time every single weekend and i woke up and my i had pink eye for like seven weekends in a row. Every time I woke up and it was every Saturday, nothing funky happened. I know you guys were like, dude, your roommate farted on your pillow. No, bro. We weren't like that. We were clean and cool and concise, but I just had pink eye every single morning. One time I woke up and my entire bed was wet. Not because I peed, because I sweat everything out of me. Whole bed.

Not one dry spot on the entire sheet. I'm pretty sure that's like, that's pretty like common now. Your boy's got sleep paralysis. He's seen demons. That's nothing new. That's nothing new to you guys. I think like probably all of you guys, if you're not, if you're listening to this podcast and you don't have sleep paralysis, what are you doing? This is the sleep dude. We all live the same life. One time I woke up and there's a homeless guy in the corner of my room, like

in a sleep paralysis nightmare though. There wasn't actually a homeless guy unless there was and uh yeah i mean sometimes i wake up and there's like dude i'm so over sleep paralysis though like there'll be like a girl crying in the corner of my room i'm just like now like like five years ago i'd be like oh my god now i'm like get your shit together figure it out i'm not here to babysit you when you're crying dude everything everything weird happens to me when i sleep i don't know let's hear yours what's the weirdest thing you've done while sleeping uh one time my girlfriend now wife uh first time we slept in the same bed together yes no we didn't bang you pervert first time we slept in the same bed together i was still laying awake she was asleep and she shot up like a rocket and goes what are we gonna do with all this chicken i just go what

in the hell are you talking about and she just laid down went back to sleep like nothing happened so uh still still married her so i guess she's not too crazy i guess we'll find out i love that shit dude i can't even imagine what i've said by when sleeping by people i i kind of want to videotape myself videotape i'm so 1998 i kind of want to videotape myself. Videotape. I'm so 1998. I kind of want to record myself sleeping to see what I do. Cause I know, bro. I just know I get up on top of my bed and fucking walk like an Egyptian or some shit.

I know I'm doing some demon shit when I go to sleep in black and white. I can see it now. I'm just fucking facing the wall, doing the Harlem, do the Harlem, do the Harlem. Doing NSYNC dances and shit? I know I am.

Dude, but wakes up and says, where's all the chicken? Oh, my God. But it's like, and you want to, in that moment, dude, I would just, I would hug that person. And you want to, in that moment, dude, I would just, I would hug that person. If, if, if I, if my girlfriend woke up and said, where's all the chicken? I'd be like, I love you so much. God damn it. Thank God you're a fucking freak.

Oh, I'm sick of people being so normal when they're sleeping. Wake up and say some crazy shit. Wakes up. Give me some more cheese. I'm like, yes, this is why I like you because you're fucking crazy you're psycho thank you you you better fucking you better not ever break up with her old chicken sleeper old chicken girl's taking a nap again here we go when i was younger i would sleep fight like i wouldn't like like a sleepwalk but i didn't go anywhere my mom would just hear noises coming from my room and she would come in and i would be asleep like standing up fighting an imaginary person

like throwing kicks and punches and I'd be knocking shit over. Oh, I love you. I love you. Sleep fight. That's all I did when I was a kid was I just wanted to fight. I just want to fight, mom. I just want to fight. And she knew all I wanted to do is fight.

I couldn't go to, I couldn't go to McDonald's. Couldn't bro. Cause I'd get in that play place. And I'd fight. Why? Why do you want to fight? Why are you so violent? Because I played NFL Blitz growing up.

Everything I did growing up for boys, for boys, for dudes, is about fighting. What did I watch all day on TV? Batman and Superman. And all they did was fight. What did I play growing up? What did I watch every, every weekend? Football. All they do is pretty much fight. What's the coolest

thing? And what video game did I want to play every single minute? Tekken. All they do is fight. Why do you, why are you so violent? Cause I just want to fight for my right. No, but everything, dude, I totally get that. Who's not sleep fighting? My dumb ass was dude. You know what I did when I was a kid? I rolled off my bed. My dumb ass. Anybody do that? Any dumb ass kids out there just roll off their beds randomly like every three nights every three nights oh shit i fell off my bed i get scared to and run to my mom's room mom i fell off the bed she'd be like well stay on your bed you idiot dude my dumb ass would do what i'm still what if i was still falling off my bed you have a girl over for the first time in your bed you fucking hit the deck what the fuck

oh sorry i just still fall out of my bed i gotta have those guard rails she comes in she walks in your room for the first time you got those rails on the side of your bed oh yeah let me put these down real quick get comfy oh shit sleep fight though that's kind of badass dude girl wakes up in the middle of the night what are you doing and you're like in a you're in a brawl you got a beer bottle she's like oh my god that's kind of hot jesus christ She's like, oh my god, that's kind of hot. That's kind of hot. You like fight for me in your sleep?

That's kind of hot. She thinks you're fighting for her, but you're just fighting some like Chinese dude that's in like Tekken 4. You're fighting Law from Tekken the whole time. She's like, oh my God, protect me. You're like, I need to protect my country first. Demon voice. Let's keep going.

Let's keep going. Okay. Let me first say this was my husband who did this story. Can't wait. But anyways, the craziest thing that he's ever done when he was sleepwalking because he's done a lot of different stuff when he would sleepwalk um oh i love sleepwalkers one was one time he was sleepwalking and he went into the living room and put on his pants and took the biggest shit. Oh, it has to be fake.

Are you sure? And then while sleepwalking, he then took his board shorts off, wiped his butt clean, folded his board shorts next to the shit, and then went right back to bed. And let me just preference this shit was like a perfect cartoon shit had like tears and everything so i'm not sure how he even here like the emoji but yes that was the craziest thing and again that was my husband not me yeah you know what it was definitely you after hearing that last part that was totally my husband it was not me for sure not me. Not me. Let me make sure. Let me, let me, let me say it one more time. It was not me. You were definitely in the middle of your living room. I shut. So you, so you, was she lying? Was she lying fam?

Do we know? I don't think she was. I actually don't think she was because she said he wiped his ass with board shorts. And nobody's lying and saying board shorts at the same time. Unless you're a really good liar. And if you are a really good liar, salute, mommy. But wow, dude, I've heard of people like peeing before. Like who's not, who's not going to sleepwalk and pee in the fridge. You know,

that's like level one. I did this when I, when I was sleeping thing that you tell your friend, everybody's peeing in like cabinets, pantries, refrigerators. Don't know why, but everybody's done it.

Every dude has anyway. Um, but taking a shit and wiping dude imagine having the the like the the like i don't know what the word is the decency to wipe your ass when you're sleep shitting sometimes i forget to wipe my ass when i'm awake shitting you ever like damn you're like on your phone and you're like did i i guess i'm wiping twice he did it while he was unconscious sleep shitting wiping your ass oh my god he's like making sure it's all gone and oh'm like all right we gotta we gotta keep going we gotta

keep going but ma'am thank you for coming clean and telling us that you shit in your living room ma'am because that was so you yo benny what up i'm coming to you great voice by the way i can already tell you this morning with the sexy sick voice but um weirdest thing i ever did while i was asleep it was probably when i was like six and uh i must have eaten some wild shit the night before but i got sick in the middle of the night threw up everywhere apparently it was all over my bed all over my walls my clothes my sheets um so loud that my mom like heard it from outside my room and came in was like up all night trying to clean me up i slept through all of that throwing up clean up everything i woke up the next morning like you know hey how'd you guys sleep my mom's looking

at me like what the fuck do you not remember any of that so yeah you free dude you're a straight up you're an actual demon you're the exorcist girl wasn't she throwing up and shit your head spun all the way around how'd you guys sleep there's more yeah to be honest man i was just trying to sleep i didn't know anything would come up i love this podcast. I fucking love you guys, man. That shit makes my fucking day.

I'm censoring myself to some aware, but Jesus Christ, bro, you slept through up. You fucking demon cussed. Try not to cuss as much, but sometimes it happens. You slept through up and you did it on the wall too. ever are you sure dude throwing up is the most dramatic thing anyone can do ever and you slept through it i don't know you ever fake sleep though when your mom's like cleaning something up so you

don't have to do it oh my god god, the amount of times I fake slept. I think I fake slept more than anybody in my life. Anybody? Dude, I used to fake sleep so hard like when I had to go to bed as a kid. Like I'd fall asleep on the couch and then my mom would be like, hey, you got to get up and go to bed. I was like, fuck, I don't want to brush my teeth and do all of that shit. So I would fake sleep and my mom would like carry me upstairs and like change my clothes and shit.

Oh, my God, it was the best. This happened last year, by the way. No, I'd just be like on the floor and she'd be like changing my clothes. I'd be just fake sleeping the shit. She knew I was awake, but I'd just be fake sleeping. And then she'd like put me in my bed and i go to sleep and that happened last week no but uh that was the move dude i fake sleep i used to fake sleep during uh like sometimes my dad would be beating my ass and i'd just fake sleep fake sleeping is is sometimes like in the morning real early

like there's people at your house and shit like in college I'm talking about and you have to like give them rides home. I'd fake sleep till 2 p.m. just so I didn't have to get in the car and take them somewhere. He's like still sleeping. People try to wake me up. I just act like I was dead. I'd fake sleep like like at a like a family

party. I'm jumping on the trampoline.oline basically in the air no one believed it but i did it no key boy reporting live from the wind tunnel that is my car so love this guy yeah my answer to the prompt would be i don't know why but ever since college i will wake up like in the middle of the night, two or three o'clock. And I'll be like, I went to bed normal on my back, on my stomach, on my side, whatever. And it'll be like my butt is pressed against the wall. Legs are spreading on the wall.

Oh, yeah. Like a freaking virgin on our wedding night. And that's just how I wake up. I don't know why. I'll do it like there. I'll wake up on the floor. why i'll do it like there i'll wake up on the floor same thing but legs around the bed i kid you not i'll wake up and i'm like i'm like facing the side of the bed and the bed frame hugging it that makes sense probably doesn't

oh no i get the three weird things i do when i fall asleep this boy's flexible that's it, man. Bro, I have... Taha fuck. Love it. He hit that Taha fuck hard and he knew it. Yeah, but if you're sleeping, if you're sleeping and your foot's not doing this on the wall, I don't want to talk to you. If you're not scratching the wall, dude, my feet before i go to sleep are all over the place there's a little alien that lives in my foot and he just drives my foot around before i go to sleep

he's going everywhere dude i i cricket my feet hard i grasshopper my feet however you want to, I cricket my feet hard. I grasshopper my feet. However you want to say it, dude, my feet are moving before I go to sleep. You ever wake up with your head on the opposite side of the bed? I love that. Don't even know where I am and shit. I'm like, hey, grandmas.

Or you ever sleep upside down? You ever change up your sleep routine? I'll do that. I'll do that tonight. Actually, everybody listen to this. Tonight, we sleep upside down. Not upside down, but like, you know, your head usually goes when you sleep,

like at that end of your bed. Flip. Put your head where your feet usually are and your feet where your head usually is. Dude, it's a nice little change up on some mom board shit, on some single shit it's a dude with your girl you ever sleep you ever flip that shit it's kind of cool i'm doing that shit tonight actually i can't wait god damn i'm bored dude if that's the fun shit i'm doing i'm bored so the wildest thing i do in my sleep apparently there's two one i guess i whisper in my sleep

kind of like that's scary it's a whisper song and in that type tone i guess and then apparently i will like wake up in the middle of my sleep scream bloody murder and then just fall right back to sleep we're we're gonna assume that the bloody murder scream is due to a nightmare that that's the only way i can cope with that because that's terrifying if a girl was sleeping next to me and scream bloody murder i'd be so turned on that's the shit that gets me that's the shit that gets me then we both immediately go back to sleep but somebody whispering in their sleep the ying yang twins whisper wait do you hear me snore

wait do you hear me snore hey girl wait do you hear me sn. You're gonna throw a pillow at my fucking head. Wait till you hear me snore. Wait till you hear me snore. Wait till you hear me snore. I'm gonna wake up so fucking thirsty. That's what she's just fucking. She's just game planning her whole night. I'm gonna wake up and have to pee. Like.

Starts beatboxing and snore that's how my fucking dude one time i went downstairs and my dad was snoring you know when your dad snores and you're like everybody get down my dad was downstairs snoring and he was like just ripping the paint off the wall dude and i went down there and i looked at him and he goes and i was like what was that and then the next like 20 minutes that's your snore now like did you what are you dreaming of where you do that

did you blow out your birthday candles so fucking fried i was like all right dude never mind thought we're gonna get the grand finale out of you or something but you just how about waking your dad up when he's snoring is that the most terrifying thing in the world i can't think of any one thing i'd rather not do waking your dad up while he's snoring what i'm like jesus christ you were just disrupting the whole entire house you selfish piece of shit well don't wake me up like i'm sorry damn waking anybody up dude i'm like sorry you're annoying you didn't know you were annoying sorry oh my god

next time i'll just let you ruin everyone's day dude when somebody wakes me up and i'm snoring i'm like oh my god i'm so sorry i write like a handwritten apology i buy them like a heart full of chocolates i hate when somebody says i'm snoring you could literally like get us like a skillet and hit me in the head with it. And I'd be like, oh my God, thank you for hitting me. I'm so sorry. I hate it when people like they like they can't they can't admit that they're snoring. My dad will fucking my dad will shatter the windows in our house

you'll be like i wasn't snoring i'm like dude you're also i have two so i think i'll wait yeah just send them in separate ones in case you want to use one and you don't want to use the other so baby girl we don't edit around i had a dream that these chicks were not doing dreams i have never wet the bed as an adult except i was cuddling with my now ex and his knee was wedged between my legs we were facing each other and it was so nice and warm right while i was having a dream and in my dream i was like i really gotta piss so i ended up peeing on his leg with his knee and thigh wedged between mine so i was peeing directly on his leg in my sleep i don't think that i think a dude would like that honestly as gross as that sounds

um i'd be like if a girl peed all over my leg while she was sleeping i'd be like at least she's comfortable around me i would i would i would not be grossed out and in other weird habits i like to i guess lift my leg completely up when i sleep and then i slam it down and then i slide it up and then i slam it back down and it's kind of exorcist like, I guess. So long story short, don't sleep next to me. Yeah, you're getting the fucking heel right to the ribs, dude. Sleeping by this girl. Good night. Ah!

Oh my God. I love this shit. You just, dude, when your legs were straddling his knee and you peed you definitely were dreaming that you're on a mountain bike and there's nowhere to pee and you're just like fuck it is that the that's got to be the most that's got to be peak pee when you sleep with with like sitting on someone's thigh imagine because you know how bad you want to pee while you're sleeping. You just do. Like, everybody, it crosses everybody's mind.

Like, when I'm sleeping and I have to go to the bathroom, for one second, I'm like, I'm doing it. And then I'm like, just get the fuck up and pee and go back to sleep. It'll feel better. And I'm like, yeah. But for that one second, and there's a thigh between your legs, I'm peeing, dude dude i'm peeing on that mountain bike let's keep going yeah so when i was growing up i would sleepwalk all the time

so one night i got up went into my mom's closet and just pissed yeah Yeah. Everything. And then walked over and just stood over her bed with my pants around my ankles. Oh. Just until she woke up. Kind of alpha. Kind of demonic. But either way, I guess you could call me the whiz kid.

Oh, God. kid oh god oh you dumbass you sexy bitch you sexy bitch you pissed your you pissed on all dude that's the most alpha move in the game to your mom you pissed all over her coats and then stood above her with your dick out. You freak. What's wrong with everyone? I love it, though. What do your mom say? Oh, my God.

I can't even imagine this shit. Just just hits your stupid dick with a baseball bat that's under her bed. Oh, God, I can't even imagine this shit. Just hits your stupid dick with a baseball bat that's under her bed. Oh God, what the ping? Turns into Mark McGuire real quick. Has a milk mustache for no reason. I love this shit. You pissed all over her dress, her tops and her fucking whatever the hell was all over her shoes. Have I peed anywhere weird when I slept?

I don't think so, dude. Only in the bed. I just soak that bed up. And by the way, I've had the same bed since I, this is so wild. This is such a me fucking thing too. I've had the same bed since i was in fifth grade oh shit the truth comes out but it's not like a little bitch ass bed like for some reason when i was in fifth grade i had like a dope bed and i was like all right bet you guys want to give me

this big ass bed let's do it let's ride so i was just fucking rolling around in this thing i had it was like a driveway to me dude i was just it was so big and then like i don't know my mom moved out and shit and took it so i had to get a new bed for a little bit but like never was the same you know i just want to sleep in my bed i'm not one of those guys but like it just wasn't i was like yeah i can sleep literally anywhere i can sleep on the ground but like this bed was it was too like it was too uh new you ever sleep in a too new bed you're like kind of feels like a hotel bed i'm like i feel like if somebody came in the room and tried to

kill me it'd take me like three or four seconds to like get out of this bed. Like it's a trap kind of like it's absorbing you like quicksand a little bit, a new bed. But this bed was like broken in a little springy, you know, had some bounce to it, but it was, it was a straight up. Like once you hit the deck on that, on the bed I have currently by, but if a robber comes in the room or somebody dressed like Scream, you're out, dude.

Because the bed will be like, oh, get out of here. It'll like spring you out. You can get out of that bed in one second. Guy brags about his bed for way too long. But yeah, I've had the same bed since I was like 12. My mom moved and took it

and then I didn't see it for like 10 years and then she came back with it and I was like, I'm had the same bed since I was like 12. My mom moved and took it, and then I didn't see it for like 10 years, and then she came back with it, and I was like, I'm taking it again, and I've just had it ever since. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. I wake up with like bite marks all over my back every night. I'm like, I think it's perfect. Has pink eye every 26 seconds.

It's perfect. Has scoliosis. It's literally the best. Let's keep going. This better be anonymous. I can't say that word, but when I was younger, I used to wake up and then I would have a bunch of boogers on my wall. So I literally would be sleeping and picking my nose and putting them on my wall. And then I would wake up to all this snot and not knowing how I got there. Yeah. I love you, mucus girl. Whoa.

Hey, who's not doing that, though? And I bet you were awake. Were you? Were you? Huh? Who's not dude i woke i swear to god today i woke up with 97 boogers in my nose and i didn't realize it until i was done working out so on the after working out i was just like jesus christ i was in there the whole time what happens overnight what happens to you overnight? It's just amazing. The shit that

happens to my face overnight. I'm like, you're telling me I just, I just sat there for seven hours and all of a sudden I can't breathe or in my eyes are sealed shut. There's shit in my mouth. I smell like shit. I have to pee so bad. I'm like, what happened? It's just amazing to me. All right, Booger King. Just keep going. The weirdest thing that I did while sleeping was one time I slump walk all the way from my upstairs bedroom to our living room downstairs. And all the while I was eating and I woke up with food in the hand and in my mouth and I was chewing it apparently.

I was very confused and apparently I fell down the stairs because I had a pain like on my arm and legs. I had like a bruise and I was bleeding a bit in my legs because apparently I fell down the stairs and I didn't know it. So, yeah, it's pretty much it. I've never heard a sleepwalking story like that, honestly. Every time somebody sleepwalks, everything's fine. And I'm always like, why didn't you get hit by a car why didn't you like dude when i'm awake i like stub my toe on shit but when i'm sleepwalking i'm just like agile all of a sudden i'm like dodging cabinets and cupboards and doors and stuff when i'm sleeping but when i'm awake i'm like oh

oh my boy somebody finally fell down the stairs while sleepwalking how does it not happen every night dude sleepwalking is so wild you really just get up has anyone ever encountered anyone sleepwalking you know the things i would do i i wouldn't know I'd be like oh he's just up he's trying to like play video games his eyes are rolled back in his head and shit yeah dog you got got

just keep going I was 10 or 12 so I was dead ball sober. And while sleepwalking, I took a bathroom little wastebasket. Put it on your head. Brought it into my parents' room and woke up midstream peeing into this wastebasket. Yikes. Dude, I got to give you props,asket. Yikes. Dude, I got to give you props, dude, that aim. Also, my roommate pooped in our meat drawer.

Ew. Separate incidences. If that was in the same night, you guys are besties forever. But in the meat drawer, there's nothing grosser than what you just said.ies forever but in the meat drawer there's nothing grosser than what you just said you ever poop in the meat drawer i'll throw up right now this is getting a little gross apologies if this podcast is getting gross but it is what it is you gotta you just gotta let it happen sometimes you gotta let it happen sometimes podcasts are gross sometimes podcasts are like uh they're very like, wow, that was like dark.

Sometimes my podcasts are dark, but they're all very fried and they're going to keep being fried. But the way you aimed in a trash can, what do people sleeping doing activities? How is you guys are impressive? Can there be sleep Olympics piss in this trash can go down these stairs without falling everybody's dead asleep who's not watching that gold medal in this sleep olympics dude i got gold. I put 19 boogers on the wall. Beat the guy from Russia. Let's keep going. When my wife and I first started dating, we went out to a bar and I got extremely intoxicated.

She came home and she placed her clothes in the corner of the bedroom. I later woke up at around two in the morning and I started peeing all over her clothes. Yeah. Who wouldn't? And later that morning, she realized it. And here we are six years later to this day, still married happily. Man. Good for you, dude.

I'm just going to start blaming some shit on. Oh, I was sleepwalking. Some shit you really want to do while you're awake but yeah i'd get screamed at for that you just do it when he's i was sleepwalking he just wanted he just wanted to piss on her clothes man for years but when you see a pile of clothes in the corner of the room like wouldn't mind peeing on that honestly wouldn't mind marking my territory right there some about guys and peeing girls probably think it's so gross but dudes peeing man there's just you know when girls are like you pee outside you know how perfect it

is to pee outside for guys? It's the same vibe as peeing on a pile of clothes. You're just free. No restraints. You're not constricted to the toilet seat or the toilet. You know, I've never lift the toilet seat up when I pee because I just got so used to it. Because like when you grow up with girls,

they're like, put the toilet seat down. I heard that like 13 too many times when I was eight years old. I was like, okay, I'm just never touching the toilet seat. So my aim is I've got I'm a sniper. Gotta be. Sniper pee. sniper p lethal shooter i could have taken out osama with this thing i got a purple heart bro i got terops from peeing so straight and clean and accurate.

Psst, psst. Instant kill. Headshot. Psst. But sometimes, man, sometimes you want to give up the sniper days and you just want to get on the ground floor. Guns blazing. And that's what it is going outside for guys you just sometimes you just want to be on foot an assassin not up in the trees but right outside right off the deck you just want to let it loose dude So now that there are no women listening to the podcast, let's keep going. So apparently when I sleep,

I have a problem with sleepwalking and I woke up one time to the smoke detector going off. Oh, no. I apparently put silverware in the microwave. I try to get my sleepwalking problem under control so that way I don't end up in a fork in the microwave. I try to get my sleepwalking problem under control so that way I don't end up in a fork in the road. Oh, geez.

It's gotten bad. One other time I woke up and apparently I filled the bathtub up with water and I didn't wake up until I splashed in it. But the splash wasn't really that bad that you could call a microwave oh geez why is he sound like such a damn geezer when he bro you're definitely

gonna die soon oh i woke up in microwave silverware. See you later, pal. You better fucking, you need the guardrails in your bed, homie, because that is not okay. You filled your bathtub up? That, dude, who's sleeping? Dude, is your girl, you don't have a girlfriend. If you're filling up the bathtub while you're sleeping, bro, you don't have a girl.

She probably think it was for her. Oh my God, you're so nice. Oh no, he's going to drop a toaster in it. You microwave silverware while you're sleeping. You're the devil. You're the devil, bro. Oh. devil bro.

I guess you're not holding any sleep. You're holding a pitchfork. Oh my God, so bad couple more person forgot to leave a voice message and it sounded like they're having a moment listen to this listen to this at the back end of it at the back end i swear i swear i heard a yeah what do you think they were doing? Did you hear that? He definitely like, what do you think he was doing?

One more time. Right here. Three, two, one. For some reason, I think he was like a dusting the banister of his railing. Like, yeah.

You know? Or maybe he was like a dusting the banister of his railing like you know or maybe he was like it sounded like he was gaming maybe maybe he was playing like the sims and he was in build mode and he just he put that pool in just right when it dropped what was he doing did he clean out his keyboard what if he was cleaning out his ear i get you bro i get it that might have been the best voice message here we go that might have been the best voice message here we go one time i got so so drunk that when i woke up i saw vomit at the other end of the bed somehow i just turned around while sleeping and then threw up and then continued to turn around and woke up with vomit at my feet feet yeah i'm i'm sober now yeah everybody's the devil we figured it out everyone's satan dude you how do you not wake up when you throw up i'm not a light sleeper but i will wake up

if i'm turning into a werewolf while throwing every time i throw up i turn into a werewolf you're not waking up during that I'm turning into a werewolf while throwing. Every time I throw up, I turn into a werewolf. You're not waking up during that? What is going on? What are you guys doing before you go to bed where you're sleeping through throwing up? Are you running like a fucking marathon or something? Are you taking I-step step are you going to church are you taking an accounting class those are the only things that would make me go to sleep that hard last one wildest thing i've done in my sleep uh if you remember the kylie jenner lip challenge when people would suck on the jars and make their lips all puffy

one time i did that in my sleep don't remember doing it at all i just woke up and felt my lips and they were like all puffy it felt like two caterpillars um so you could say it really sucked oh god dude i used to do this shit when i was a kid that was the only thing i remember of my whole entire childhood was putting a cup on my face right here and sucking that shit for like 13 minutes till i just looked like a dog i had like dog dog nose dog snout and i'd just be like it was so funny to me and like the suction felt good like it was all good i had a blue cup on my face and uh my mom would be like stop sucking on cups like she said

that to me every day in the summer probably stop sucking on that cup and then i'd totally forget rip it off my mouth and i had a ring around my face for the next two and a half weeks just going to like soccer practice and shit what's up with like a low-key like cup goatee what's up coach yeah yeah i'd just be in school and shit what's up art teacher we making masks today we making the mask today i had a cup ring around my face oh that's all right oh what's the vocab words this week? I look like I'm 46 in a first grade class. Oh, lit.

Bet. Old cup goatee. Dude, so you slept cup goatee? That's kind of my, that's if I had a dream. I had a dream. Me, if I was Martin Luther King. Then I woke up. Just kidding kidding i didn't wake up i was sleeping and i sucked on a cup i had a dream that's me lot. I love you guys, man. You're all Satan and so am I. And that's why we

get along. That's why we do this. That's why we listen to the pod because deep down, we're all demons when we sleep. Thanks, fam. Come to the Indiana Land 500. sleep. Thanks, fam. Come to the Indiana Land 500. The day before the race, Saturday, May 27th, noon, day party. I'll see you there. Join Patreon because these live streams are, I'm not even, it's just, it's just part of me. It's the best. Hop on there there say what's up ask me anything and uh i love you guys thanks for leaving voice messages for real and if you bought a ticket to any of my shows in any of the cities do you mean so much to me for real and if you came up to me after and said like what's up or took a picture i love that it's never dude and if you if somebody if you see me or something and you're like yo can we snap a pic real quick i said that happens sometimes i don't i love that shit thank you so much

um tell everybody that bought a ticket to everybody that bought a ticket. I'll see you guys soon. Thanks for leaving the voice messages. For real, they make, dude, you make the podcast. The jokes at the end, just everything about this shit I love.

Thank you guys so much. See you next time.