Espresso - weird thing you did as a kid?
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And my teacher came up and asked me
And six-year-old me said quote there are brown people, too
Tell me tell me baby
How come you don't want to love me
Don't you know that I got this thing's on espresso podcast.
We do the question.
Can we talk?
Do I'm in a little porta potty right now and it's never felt so right.
Let me get my cough.
Let me get my coffee and let's just do our thing.
A question of the week.
What's the weird thing you did in middle school or elementary school or just when you're a kid growing up
that you can't stop thinking about?
Ah, one time we took all our shoes and socks off
in religion class and washed each other's feet.
Washed with a rag, soap and water.
Bare feet, 12.
Then just went to social studies right after. Can we do that today? I don't know.
Catholic school cult classic. Let's get to yours though. God, I know I have one more.
I remember when I was a little kid, a chased me around my house, and I swear to
God I'm not dreaming or making this up.
It chased me around the house about eight times, and I had to jump through my window
to like avoid it.
I think I was maybe four.
The birth of City Bunny.
But let's hear yours.
The things you did as a kid
that you can't stop thinking about to this day.
Junior year of high school,
I worked in a fiberglass factory.
Boards.
And so they made like parts for RVs.
And for some reason as a 17 year old,
they made me the maintenance guy.
Well, the maintenance guy had to clean out
an acetone reclaimer every morning
at like five in the morning with a mask,
not a respirator, a mask.
And it basically burnt out all the cilia in my nose.
And now I have practically zero sense of smell.
Same.
Exact same!
I didn't have to work where the Joker became the Joker.
That's what I pictured.
Anybody else just picture a big like thing, a big tub of acid?
Big vat?
How are you not a super villain, dog?
Sergeant Smell?
It's hey, kind of a blessing
You got to pop mints and gum every four seconds because you don't know how your breath smells, but it's kind of nice
Never know if you smell I don't know it just might be
Do people know when they smell I've smelled myself maybe twice my entire life
smelled like a dead fucking animal, but
Other than that I'm just like
reapply deodorant I
Can't smell anything especially right now been sick for 174 days straight
No smell straight no smell kind of nice so what's your guys opinion on sports and video
games oh this might be for some way podcast, These Guys with Joey Molinero, every Tuesday.
My opinion on sports?
I can't tell if this is drollin'.
Sports only watchin' for the Jerseys.
Video games?
If you want me to be completely honest and dive into this I Stopped playing video games
When the ps3 came out I got the ps3 and I was like this is next. This is it for me
Like I might be a gamer guy
PS 2 those were video games
PS 2 had video games were having fun.
The motion on the games were so it was so much smoother.
It just felt like such a good time.
PS3 I'm like, oh man.
It's just a little too deep for me and they don't run the same like on on football games, on
sports games.
They they run.
It's super unrealistic,
and I'll probably never play video game because of that.
If they went back to like the running motion on video games on PS2, I'd be all over it.
I just can't get into it.
I'm like, this is so weird to me
that these guys don't run or look like this ever.
They look better on PS2.
You're just like old and saying that, but that's my take.
One thing I think about from childhood
is one day in class we were drawing like a family
and we always had to color them in.
And you know, I just had like a 12 pack of crayons peach
Bro, and you know those people that just had like a fucking keg
They had every color colors that don't even exist like the macaroni and cheese crayon
Oh stop that wasn't a real color, right? But
Everybody would color the people in
with the peach colored crayon.
So essentially like, you know, white-ish color.
Yeah.
And I was peach gay.
I didn't have that.
So I used the brown crayon.
Crazy work.
And my teacher came up and asked me why I did that.
And six year old me said, quote, there are brown people too.
Not the most PC way of saying it, but I was fucking right. Well, she was horrified and she said,
here's a piece colored crayon.
Don't do that again.
Bro, I think you're dead.
You're horrifying.
And who knew I was a little.
Liberal progressive cut boy at six years old. I was like, teacher, do we have a D I policy?
Because my D is going to be in your fucking eye. Let's go.
I can't smack the walls in here because I'm in like a porta potty and I think there's a podcast studio here in here
And everybody's walking by and listening
Hey, just join the patreon
I was peach gang. I was if I didn't have peach. Yo, I was going straight white. Remember that white crayon
What was that for this guy's saying crayon now. I'm OG saying crayon.
How do you pronounce it?
I'm saying crayon.
I don't know why.
Is it even a word?
What's the why doing?
Once you say, once you establish
how you're gonna say crayon, you can't change.
And I just tried, and I feel like,
I don't know, I feel like a phony.
I feel like a fake. I know, I feel like a phony. I feel like a fake.
I went white crayon on him.
Dude, you would press that white crayon so hard
into coloring a white guy, into coloring a family,
and it wouldn't do anything.
You'd have crayon flakes.
You know those crayon flakes on your paper
when you pressed real hard, dude?
Whack, straight driving a candle in your paper
I've been there. I don't think I don't think I ever went black or brown
Why'd you use brown cuz that's
That's a con you donon. You don't know? You don't know?
Why'd you... you use Brown? Don't ever do that again.
What if that's Akon and Young Jeezy?
What about that?
I had one of those when I, uh...
Trying to make it easy.
I had one of those when I was a kid.
I think... I think we were spelling off
OFF in cursive a lot. OFF like
repeatedly on the paper off off off in my A's
My O's looked like A's
In my F's looked like S's
And my F's looked like S's. So I was just going to town, bang, bang, bang, bang, letter by letter, word by word by word
by word.
And we had to get like a whole front and back page done before recess.
So I was just moving.
Uh, uh, uh.
It's the only thing I was good at was cursive.
The teacher told my mom one time, like, he's got a lot of work to do, but man, his cursive,
I took that to heart, bro.
I went to town.
I was showing off, showing off, off, off, off, off.
Right before we went up to recess, my teacher came up to me and she's like, see the thing
is your F's look like S's and your O's look like A's.
So I just want you to be aware that it looks like you're spelling a different word on your
paper and we can't do that so if you could work on
your O's and F's that would be really good I just looked at her like this the
whole time she's talking to me just cuz I was thinking about playing basketball
at recess didn't change a thing babe thought I was gonna occurs of what happened
Just keep going
It locked it so I don't always think about it but a funny memory was I
Mean heck we have four years worth of them
But one that kind of sticks out is the whole homecoming
court, queen, prom king, whatever.
By the way, you're telling me with big pharma,
big drugs, big pharma, big apple, big gas,
how about big royalty, huh?
How about those freaking schleps over there
in the brick and you can't,
that we kicked their asses damn near 300 years,
250 years ago ish, right?
You're telling me they're not trying to get in from the inside if you will by using terms like King Queen
You're telling me there's not a thing with big world be trying to date back over
250 years after we what baby girls is come on
conspiracy for another day
So I got a call
I love you milky work out angels the offseason whatever they do the homecoming deal
And I think goes in either way either way. I'm gonna call hello
Who's that? She's like hey
Whatever cliche, you know four syllable high school teacher name that every teacher
four syllable high school teacher name that every hot teacher had. A little too total.
Krabappel.
Well that just reminded me of Elizabeth Patrick.
Anyway, oh there's one.
Four syllable last name, teacher, she's gotta be a dime.
Schmecka beer.
Fuck.
So yeah.
Oh yeah that's what it was.
Yeah so she calls, she's like, hey you're on the court.
I'm like, no I'm in the gym with court.
And she's like, Hey, you're on the court. I'm like, no, I'm in the gym with court and she's like
Station about this
So she says you're on the court thing I'm like, yeah, I'm good. I'm in the gym. She's like, oh
I'm like, I don't care. Um, you know
I got bigger better things to conquer than Britain's inside Ponzi scheme to take over the country
via royal terms for these stupid dances, you know what I mean, Babs?
So that was kind of funny.
And then I'm like, yeah, I got to work out to do give it to the next whoever else is in the line of Barnegate.
Well, not really anonymous anymore.
I'm a Barnegate royalty, which is, you know, whatever.
Now the only royalty that I claim is the double whoppers murder team
Nothing like a good skit off the highway for Milky Boy didn't look forward to it every week
Did he say that he?
He for he for? Is that a word?
He had to forego being on Homecoming Court?
I was on Homecoming Court and that was a shocker.
I was like, do I want to win this thing?
Do I want to win this thing?
But cringe moment of the Week, I can remember
Homecoming. I can remember one thing from it. And it was me and four of my friends that thought
we were so cool. I'm talking lanyards. I'm talking cutoffs. I'm talking shorts that go down to mid-calf. I'm talking ankle socks. I'm
talking the worst haircuts of all time. I'm talking acne on the lower parts of your chin
right here so it looks like you're Dracula. I'm talking all that. Got up on the stage where the DJ was and like we were in the young jock
music video all four of us jocking it homecoming meet me in the trap you go
and if I had that recording I think I think it would take me two and a half years to build up the courage to watch that. Oh, I
Thought I was I thought I was jocke it's so clean too, you know when you hit it and you're like, mmm
Four white guys didn't win
Okay in elementary school,
we would line up in two lines our class
and for someone's birthday.
So line up in two lines,
everyone would face each other except the birthday kid.
Oh God.
And they would have to start at the beginning of one side and basically run through, run
through these two lines.
Yeah.
While every student smacked their ass.
God, that's so.
For birthday spankings.
Funny.
Are you kidding me?
What?
What were we doing?
What were we doing?
What were we doing?
Why did the teachers think this was cool?
It's not cool.
It's so weird.
So freaking weird.
I don't know though.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hear me out.
It's not weird if you're not doing it in a weird way.
You know?
That's all I'm gonna say about that.
Okay, if the teacher was doing it, that'd be weird.
Did she say the teacher was doing it?
But like if you're not doing it in a weird way, it's like when your coach smacks your
ass when you're going into a game.
Like, my coach would smack the shit out of my coach would slap my ass he damn near lick his fingers smack my ass before I went in the
basketball game just so I'd like work hard you know get in the 2-3 zone but
like it wasn't weird it was was just like, let's go.
But there was a lot of talk when I was growing up in that time about birthday spankings.
Like why was that such a thing?
You want a spanking?
Like almost every teacher I had was talking about that.
I had this one music teacher,
biggest guy I've ever seen in my entire life.
I'm not kidding.
I'm not exaggerating for the podcast
Sizzling a bit
Biggest guy
like pants that you've never seen before pants size that are so big you're like
How do they even have that much material in the world you ever see a guy so big that you're like
This is just insanegest guy to this day.
Music teacher.
We said something a little, you know,
we say something smart, like a kid kinda acts up.
He'd be like, you want me to turn you
into a blueberry pancake?
What did that mean?
Somebody's birthday?
How many Spankings you want?
It was every teacher.
It doesn't surprise me, honestly.
Be honest, were you hyped to get in that line?
Were you hyped to get in the spank line?
I think I kinda would be.
10 years old, everybody slapping my ass. And you know your homie's at the end of the line
just waiting, bro.
Your homie's at the end of the line
and he's never cocked back so hard in his life, dude.
About to wail on you.
Then you just go right to lunch.
Yeah, so the thing I did in elementary school
that I still think about,
we were doing something in class
and the answer was Arkansas.
And I said the answer was Arkansas.
For sure.
And the whole class laughed at me.
So to this day, I still think about it,
like 3 a.m.
thoughts so yeah that's what I did 3 a.m. thoughts but I still see Arkansas and
I'm like that's our Kansas it just makes sense it's our Kansas I still read it in
my head like that there's I wish I could I wish I could name the things right now
that I read in my head like a four-year-old
But then oh my god, it's not that
Dude, I had a lot. I had a lot of a lot of those little scenarios at the board, bro
Board races my worst nightmare as a kid because I was I didn't know anything I
Was like an alien in first grade I feel like everybody else in first grade
already did everything.
I had to, I made a, dude, I'll never forget
being so embarrassed at the board drawing a three backwards.
I think all the time, I still kinda think
the three should be backwards.
I made a question mark one time,
everybody in the whole class laughed,
even the teacher,
because it looked like a hockey stick.
Just.
I couldn't get anything right on the board, bro.
It was not for me.
Not for me.
Still scared.
This race is way scarier than popcorn reading.
We're reading who can't read.
You just got to pay attention. That wasn't my thing.
No, I would never. I kind of wouldn't.
I'd lose track of where we were.
So I'd be like, ain't nobody picking me, bro.
Who's popcorn and me?
bro who's popcorn and me bro but when you popcorn the kid who couldn't read boy
that was a moment right there dude hey popcorn Chad I dare you to popcorn Chad. No, I'm not gonna popcorn Chad. Everybody will know. Popcorn Chad, bro. I'm telling you, I got passed for a popcorn and I was like,
alright, I'll read my little section. And then, then I'm gonna shock the world.
We were reading about Egypt.
Oh my God.
We were reading about Egypt.
Talking about temples.
All this type of, all these, bro there's a paragraph coming up that was just a death
trap.
I'm talking about landmines all in this thing. It was a clean paragraph,
but boy there was a lot of a kaputapuka patapata. Right before I got to it. Everybody knew because
you're looking at the paragraphs before you read like I hope I don't get that one. Right Ha ha ha ha Right before I got to it popcorn Chad
Can hear it from the opposite end of the glass oh sure
Dude, I didn't even I couldn't even build I couldn't even look at the teacher in the eye cuz she would have gone like this
I couldn't even look at the teacher in the eye, because she would have gone like this. Dying.
The reddest face you've ever seen in your life.
Popcorn Chad.
I almost didn't even finish the name.
I was laughing so hard.
Popcorn Chad.
This dude, and with no help either.
Teacher ruthless. This dude, and with no help either, teacher ruthless, this dude, I'm not even kidding,
was stuck on the word sphinx.
Six minutes of him going like, and him like almost bailing so many times out of the whole thing.
Bro kept his head down.
He really did.
Took like 30 to the chin.
30 words that were just probably in the class losing it.
The teacher just standing there, just standing there with him.
No you got it.
I can't.
What is it?
No you got it.
Keep going. Bro it was like what is it? No, you got it.
Keep going.
Bro, it was like, it was almost torture.
It was almost like wrong.
We didn't finish the lesson.
Homeboy stuck on Sphinx,
and then we got him on World Tube.
He couldn't.
You ever have a kid in your class that can't read so bad? He mispronounces world. He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could-
He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- He could- started to feel bad and I was like world bro the fuck you know what that is oh my
god let's keep going but board races though all fake sick your memory unlocked one of
my memories from going to Catholic school oh yeah it was when we all had to
go to confession and go into this little dark room and tell our sins to a priest
and my sins were
always cheating on the spelling test or not listening to my mom I would always
feel so anxious and nervous to go admit those sins and now as an adult like oh
that's cute that's all you did yeah
I
Never just ends like I was ready to rip all I was like, what do you mean dude? I like what do you think? I'm doing I'm ten
Talk back to my parents
It was always the standard talk back to my parents. I had the same four sins
What if I would have hit them
with some real shit though? Father, I am confessing my sins. I never knew what to say beforehand.
Like there's a whole thing. See, these are the things I never knew growing up. Okay,
guys. Okay, confessing your sins
when you're a kid and you're in Catholic school is scary.
Because you're like, what are we doing?
Why?
But here's the parts that I hated.
I was like, okay, and I'd ask like four of my friends
to make sure, like, so we just go in there
and we just say things that we feel bad about,
like our sins, and they'd be like, yeah.
I'd be like, okay.
In my head, I'm like, there's not something we say before.
Is there like a prayer?
Like, do we say like, hello, Father?
Like what are we doing?
And I swear to God, everybody else knew what to do.
It's kind of, yeah,, but like fill your boy in
So I just went up in the confessional booth with like this wicker screen in between me and father
John
And I just be like I
Kind of sassed back. I'd be saying like family words like that didn't I didn't know I was doing
It's kind of talking back. I was like I
Don't know I said I said I vacuumed the living room
But I just like went around the table one time like shit like that and then and then he'd be like no no no
You got to do the the intro
And there'd be like a prayer part, we had.
Let me say them all over again,
but the worst part about the whole thing,
everybody exiting would like go out some door.
And nobody ever filled me in.
So I just went out of the confessional
and sat back in the church.
Like I went the wrong way every single time.
Why are you guys going out that door?
Dude, it's those little parts that I was just like,
bro, I have no idea what door.
I had these platform lime green foam flip flops
and I really wanted my mom to buy me some new ones
when I was younger.
Kinda hard. I had this new ones when I was younger. Kinda hard.
I had this master plan that I was gonna dump
a ton of chunky mild salsa in them.
Yo.
And then I was just gonna like slosh around in them
and make them smell.
So she thought I had to have new shoes
cause they were just ripe, right?
I don't remember if it worked or not.
But the next one is I got really pissed at my neighbor
because she ratted on my best friend and I growing up. So egged her driveway and then my mom made us go scrub it off.
God!
Stupid!
I feel like egg in a driveway would do some damage though.
All those shells and like egg residue kind of takes a minute to get that to get that
off of stuff.
Egg residue on the side of a pan?
Still can't get it off.
Every pan I own.
You crack an egg on the side, drips down the side.
How come I can't clean that?
Oh yeah.
Oh my gosh.
Yep.
No.
Dick.
Dick pans.
What about the outside? Yep
Dick pans what about the outside? Infomercials? Pants slaps, always want it. Bro, it's tough to get eggs up, man. You're
probably screwed. You probably had to power wash that joint. Hey, can we start power washing
absolutely everything? It can't just be me that just walks around buildings I go in the first thing.
They need a power wash that is that like an old person thing.
I swear I was thinking that the first time I saw a power
washer when I was a kid I was thinking about that.
I was like, oh, this exists.
The first time everybody remembers the first time they saw
power.
Now we're talking, dude.
What have I been doing I
See some siding I'm like
Get hype
Don't let me get near a power washer in that siding right there. I'll be out there for hours
My whole take
So like what's your free page? If I throw my...
I don't even know what to say.
All cats, all dogs, and power washers.
Okay let me see your explore page. It's a dog
So happy that he has a watermelon. That's my explore page and then like dudes working out
deltoids
Don't let me get my hands on a power washer my My number one, hey this might be the question next week,
what's your number one present that you've wanted
your whole entire life and never gotten?
Just the number one thing.
You might have not even told anybody you wanted it.
Give me a power washer.
Just, I'm talking top of the line.
Like I want a $750 power washer. Just, I'm talking top of the line. Like I want a $750 power washer.
I feel like that would be like a good one.
But everybody knows where they were
when they first saw.
My friend's house, fourth grade.
Rented, his dad rented a power washer
to just blast the deck.
I'm telling you, when he was done, this deck looked 100% like they just built a new deck.
I was like, where has this invention been?
In my head, I'm like, my dad doesn't know about this.
My mom doesn't know about this.
This is some state of the art technology.
Okay, did Tony Stark
Who invented this? The way you could just clean some shoes with that. Oh my god
When I was in elementary, right? This was like
third
Fourth grade
and I
Was like sitting there doing my work
fourth grade and I was like sitting there doing my work
and like I was like writing, we were writing stuff on a paper, right?
And I had a pencil and I had put it down,
like I had put it down on the table and it was standing up
and this girl, she sees the,
I saw her look at the pencil
and she puts her elbow right there.
And she says, I stabbed her and I got a trial
but I got suspended. She says, I stabbed her when I got a trial but I got suspended.
She says I stabbed her when I literally told them the truth bro.
Like oh my god.
That's one thing I still think about to this day.
There's always, there's so many snakes in elementary school.
Do you actually remember that the people that would like tell on you?
Sometimes I was like I know why there are bullies though
Like I I know why people get their ass kicked in elementary school
Because you're you're really gonna like hey tattle on me
because you're you're really gonna like hey tattle on me oh he in there there really are like teachers pets all that I didn't think
any of that was real but I was like oh you're really gonna like tell on me to
get an advantage cuz I'm like a faster than you you? Dude that elementary school drama, I love it so much. The amount of people who
do something funny in a group and the person would laugh and then go tell on the dog. This
is not how it works. If you're going to be the tell on me kid, you can't laugh at it
and be in on it. And then I gotta go retail on you when the teacher comes to
me and confronts me. His pencil box was like pretty much broken and I just
opened it, it ripped apart, and actually Andrew was laughing and like egging me
on. So what do you mean?
He was in it.
He was part of the group.
He was part of the monkey biz, babe.
They were coming at me all sideways.
And guess what?
It was funny too.
Hit her with this after.
If you sma- That was the hardest shit ever.
Hi, Mr. Benedict, sir. I'm nervous for this one.
In third grade, I was eating a box of Sour Patch gummies and
the goddamn thing took off my damn taste buds and that shit was horrible.
Excuse my language, my bad.
Anyway, have a good day.
Took off the taste buds.
I'm trying to remember the first time something just ripped the taste buds out of my mouth.
I'm not saying that because I'm old.
I'm not saying that because I'm old.
But like everything was just pure then.
Almost peak internet now. peak internet now for sure, but that was like the beginning
Why am I drinking my coffee like this?
All right 2006 no 2002
My dad's coaching
My dad's coaching for a football university of Indianapolis. They're playing a team in Ohio called Ashland. Ashland University. They're pretty good. Wild card team. Could put up
40 on you. Some weeks, other weeks. What happened to them? Kind of a shaky game last game of the year. My sister's like do you want to go road game? It's three hours away
Trying to go. I'm like, yeah, let's go. It'll be kind of hype if we win and like we're there and like we see it
Like it's cool
I'm eating those Altoids
Citrus flavored, you know, I'm talking about
Yep those Altoids citrus flavored you know I'm talking about yep kind of same vibe
as Sour Patch Kids a little bit I eat them all in like ten minutes cuz why
wouldn't you couldn't feel my tongue for a week
bring them back though please couple. Couple more. What up?
So, what did I do in elementary school that I still think of today is anytime that I had to go number two and drop a deuce, I never did it in the general public school hallway bathrooms.
I would have to go to the nurse's office and pretend I had a stomach ache.
And then they had one single bathroom in there.
And I would either go into there or I would tell them to call my mom to pick me up.
Crazy.
So I could go home and go to the bathroom comfortably.
Because sometimes in that nurse's office,
there'd be like 10 kids in there,
and I still couldn't go comfortably.
But I still think of times when I'm in public
where I really can't go to the bathroom in public
unless it's like something that has a closed door.
It's just a personal thing.
And a lot of people have that issue.
But it's fucked up. It's still fucking
First my life to this day
That's crazy to me
can't
Can't drop a deuce in public. I'm telling you what dog
I'm looking
You know,
mom and my sister in Utah, I would never,
ever do some there.
You tell me they just got to walk around in the apartment and smell it.
Dude, no, I'll walk to Whole Foods,
drop deuce in front of everybody in the whole.
I don't know you guys.
Every day. Dude, and that goes for when, maybe I'm just weird.
That goes when I have a girlfriend.
If you have a girlfriend and you're out the whole day, I'm shitting everywhere.
I don't know what she thinks I'm doing. Maybe she's like, I was just
taking a shit, you know. But I'm not, I'm definitely not going in the hotel. I think
if I was sharing a hotel with my best friend, I would still go to the lobby.
Just out of respect. Dude, dropping, dropping deuce dropping deuce going going going to in public. I'll put my butt on anything
Kidding me airport airport toilet
What's the worst that can happen
Porta-potty toilet when you go. I just hate being uncomfortable, man.
I'll go anywhere.
Outback steakhouse, boom, done it.
I want a map of all the, you know like,
those maps of like, it's like a half court.
Looks like half court and it's all the shots
Steph Curry has made from like outside of the Ark.
I want that but for places I've taken a deuce.
Places I've taken a dump.
Whole Foods.
Like 33 red dots on that one.
Porta-potties randomly.
Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks, Starbucks.
I want all the places, dude.
I might be leading the league in
public poops
Keep going
All right, Benny, I got a good story for this guy sixth grade I'm with a friend the kind of friend that your parents would say oh so and so is a bad influence on you
You know like the troublemaker kid, right?
The known neighborhood troublemaker.
He knows a lot, though.
Anyhow, I was friends with this kid.
We were in deep sixth grade.
He was getting me to talk like a sailor,
getting me to, you know,
just talk about all kinds of crazy shit.
I think that was me.
Things that everyone would have talked about.
I think I was that kid.
Think about things that everyone thought about.
He's telling me all this shit
that he's seen on the internet, right?
One day we decide hey, let's like smoke. Oh, let's be cool like
And just like smoke, you know, and I was like, okay cool like he's like we can make our own cigarettes
So we literally like paper like pieces of paper, just
rolled them up into the shape of a cigarette. It's not like we stuffed them with anything.
We didn't put anything in them. They were just hollow pieces of paper. But he's like,
oh, well I have this like scented like cherry scented lip balm stuff or whatever. So he
like rubbed it on the paper so the paper would have some kind of like flavor, some scent
to it. And then we rolled that up and then we like lit that.
And then we like sat there and like smoked it.
And we were so like, we felt so like cool and felt like,
so like badass and smart.
We were like, yeah, we just made our own cigarettes.
Yeah.
And we're sitting there like smoking quote unquote,
and then we're laughing and having fun.
Turns out, you know, we're sitting by the like loading dock.
Like we're just hiding around the corner of the loading dock.
Yeah, always in the first spot.
Where the cafeteria is.
And the next thing we know, we hear this guy,
are you guys smoking?
And I remember just both of us looking at each other.
Run.
And just being like, oh shit, like we're fucked.
And then long story short,
we get taken to the principal's office everything
and
It wasn't even that cool because it was for actual cigarettes
There's just these stupid pieces of paper that we brought and rolled into cigarette shaped things
So yeah, we are fake smoked cigarettes
And then still went to the principal's office and got in trouble and never tried that again, so I guess it worked
All right, see ya Benny.
God, I love you man.
That's the kind of vulnerability we want.
Give me the stories baby.
Oh, it's not funny enough.
It's not this, it's not that.
Trust me, everybody remembers the first time they smoked too.
Yep, everybody remembers two things. first time they saw a power washer first time they smoked
In the weird place dude everybody smokes in the weirdest places behind a dumpster at the school by my house
It's always by a school
or a church I
Guaranteed church the most sacred place of all time
How many bad things have people done at churches that there's a point in my life where people were?
Making out on top of our church
You're been so bored with your friends that you go back to your school on the weekend,
climb on top of the church and make out on it?
Or you're so bored on the weekend you go back to your school on a Saturday, climb on top
of the church and just talk to your friends about making out with girls while you're just
sitting on top of the church.
No girls even there.
For what? They were just sitting on top of the church. No girls even there.
For what?
Cherry chapstick paper though. God, I don't wanna smoke it.
All right, one more, then we gotta bounce.
They're gonna kick me out of this porta potty.
My name is Molly Norman.
I live in a small town in Minnesota.
And I know a lot of people listen to you,
so they're gonna hear this and remember this. I can't wait.
When I was in first grade, I'm 36 years old.
And when I was in first grade, the scissors that we had, like, you know,
the little ones with the rounded tips,
they were always like rusty and loose and wouldn't work right.
So one day when I was in first grade,
I went and got a scissors and walked back to my desk.
On my way back to my desk,
I went by one of my classmates and I cut their hair
to see if that was a good scissors or not.
To see if I got a good scissors or not.
I went by and I cut my friend's hair
and acted like she wouldn't know that she just had her haircut
Like I tried to be all nonchalant just going by just snip and cut a huge chunk of her hair off. Oh
My gosh, and then so we would have like these booklets that would get sent home to our parents
Oh god, and I still have mine And it has that written down in it.
And like, oh my God, I couldn't go to recess
and I couldn't do the fun activities.
Oh my goodness.
Anyways, that was that.
Incident in school.
Never fails.
Boy, joking. She's one of those girls that like gets, she's in on the joke, she gets a joke.
But like halfway through the joke, you could tell like she wasn't joking anymore, bro.
She started crying and I was like, damn.
Oh my god, we put gum in my friend's hair one time and he got so mad.
But this is the class clown.
Class clown sitting in front of us, we put gum in his hair?
Like yeah dude, I mean, one of your own tricks big dog.
Got mad?
I was like shut up, just cut it out of your hair.
Oh you're mad that we put gum, okay
Never oh, you know what I fell asleep one time at my friend's house joking he
He cut the front of my hair and I'm telling you for three weeks. I had no idea I
Was just like something is so different with my hair
It's never looked like this before and like I was like, did you guys do something? He He's like yeah, we cut your hair when you're sleeping. He just now figured it out I
Think I'm gonna milk in here till they kick me out
Dear diary I got another one
One time there's this handicapped kid in my class and he was really smart, kind of
funny, always made fun of me that my name was Benedict.
I never understood that.
It was like the first part of my life was everybody making fun of me.
Oh Benedict!
They all made fun of my name and I was like, how do you know that it's a name everybody making fun of me. Oh, Benedict. They all made fun of my name. And I was like, how do you know
that it's a name to make fun of?
You're eight.
All first grade, it was all it was.
And I was like, whatever.
One time I asked him if I could borrow a pencil.
And I was like, yo, can I borrow a pencil?
For some reason, I was always a kid
borrowing pens and pencils. Can I borrow a pen? Why some reason, I was always the kid borrowing pens and pencils.
Can I borrow a pen?
Why did I never have a goddamn pen?
Asking for a pencil, he gave it to me.
And when I have a pen or pencil, I don't care whose it is or it was or who it belongs to,
it's just kind of mine.
I have that mentality, I don't know if it's selfish
or something, but if I have a pen, it's just my pen now.
I'm doing everything with it.
I'm hitting my teeth.
This is first grade.
I'm like getting my ear wax out with the cap,
looking at it it probably eating it
picking at my eye
Like scratching the back of my head and my neck like you know like like doing it. I don't care dude. It's a pen
If somebody did all that with a pen and gave it back to me. I'd be like I mean yeah, it's a pen
It's just part of the part of the game, dude
dude, I was I got this pen and I had my foot up like this,
and I was scratching the side of my foot,
inside of my shoe and sock with this dude's pen.
I'm telling you, I probably had like athlete's foot.
This is dude that doesn't really wear socks and shoes sometimes
because he saw his uncle do it and was like that's kind of a good look.
Still do it. Did it today. Socks weren't clean. Went the whole day. Whole day no socks.
In the summer, it's hot out here. Kind of feels right.
Try to give him the pencil back. You guys break and just keep it.
break and just keep it. Even the handicap kid was like, kind of had enough of you dog. Kind of had enough of it. Kind of feel bad. At all though, cuz I'm like, dude
it's a pen. Dude if you like pen, so shut up about your pen.
Where's my pen? That kid.
Get along with him.
You lost my pen? I'm like, yeah, I lost your pen.
I never really had a pen. I was just using all the pens that just like resurfaced.
The pen distribution system.
Never had a pen.
The last two days of the week.
National kitten day
Don't let me find don't let ooh, I found my I found my the cat that I found in the cat distribution system
remember that time I
Was parked at a Goodwill to do an open mic and somebody just dropped their cat off at the front of Goodwill
And I was like, oh my god I gotta do something almost kept the cat brought it to the
local bar went back to the bar the cats there still hates me but don't leave me
around a cat that looks like a cheetah if I find a cat that looks like a cheetah that's actually just a cat, keeping the cat.
And I will fall in love with it.
Friday.
French fry day.
Speaking of, speaking of french fries, whatever. I'm sick of the crinkle fry hate right now.
There's a lot of that going on the internet.
These are the worst fries.
They're not.
They're not.
They're almost the best.
If you really want to talk fry rankings.
The crinkle fry slaps.
You just got to cook them right. Bro, that kind of burnt crinkle fry from the O-R-I-TA bag?
Dipped in ketchup?
Smack me in the next week.
Smack my ass and call me Becky.
Give me a full plate.
I want purple ketchup on top.
And flip me off and leave the house.
Can we put some disrespect on cold brew coffee?
He's talking about food again.
Has anybody ever liked cold brew coffee?
Okay, it came out.
It was all the hype.
But then you came back to your senses and you were like,
what is this?
I asked for an iced coffee, got a cold brew?
Is this car sludge
How come every time I drink a cold brew coffee makes me feel hungover
And like I'm inside of a Coles or something. I'm like I can't even think straight. This is so gross
Who's out here getting cold brew still nitro cold brew kill me?
Nitro cold brew sounds like a horrible idea all the time
Tell me one person who's hitting up cold brew coffee
Oh you mean engine sludge at a cool temp without ice weird that it's cold without ice too. I just don't I don't trust it Saturday
Eat your jello day
Jello such a summer food yo you get the jello the red and blue jello with the cool? That's my national anthem right there. And why, you
know when you're making jello and you had to like use hot water with the powder?
Why'd I want that more than the jello? You know when your mom's making jello and it's
like kind of hot and that you can smell, you can smell the flavor you're like I don't drink that
That's where my free will kicks in right there
You know what instead of coffee set a hot coffee, you know what I want hot jello mix hot jello mix and water
Wake me up right when you drink it wake me up. I can't wake up wake me up
and say
Blue jello in a clear wine glass
With cool whip on
The bottom jello cool up again jello cool whip again jello layered cool
whip in blue gel who's not
Sunday beans and Frank's Day
so many So many beans and I hate to say it, on behalf of the beans community, beans are just nothing.
I know, I know, I know, it's hard to hear hard to hear but you gotta just one day you gotta come to the to the realization
Realization that beans are nothing
Chipotle do you want rice or beans?
Which rice which beans neither because they don't do anything
Baked beans
Wasting my time.
Bro, black beans had me hypnotized for probably six years.
The way I was taking down a whole can of black beans and eggs
every single day for probably three years.
Clockwork.
Black beans.
Who told me black beans were going to solve the world's
problems? Yeah, just eat black beans. You'll become a superhero. That's what I felt like
I was doing every time. It was it was my Popeye spinach. Black beans. I remember freaking
out during Covid because I couldn't find black beans anywhere. What am I gonna do?
It was just like, it's super like vegan.
I don't know.
It's nothing.
But a little secret.
Let's dig into the game.
You get some baked beans.
I'll hurry up.
Last thing I'll say.
You get some baked beans and you eat those with three of them.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don baked beans. I'll hurry up last thing I'll say
You get some baked beans and you eat those with tortilla chips
Tell him I sent you
That shovel that snow shovel of beans on the tortilla chip
Just try it. That's it.
All the way from Park City, Utah, great voice messages.
Say it all, bro, leave it.
If you don't think it's a good voice,
if you, this, that, no excuses, baby.
Put it on, put it on.
We'll talk it out.
I love you guys for real.
Come to the show
Maryland September 25th
new stuff dropping on
Instagram take talk YouTube all that get the merch join the page tell the homies
Love you guys for real. We're all one person
I'll see you next time