Espresso - weirdest dates

Episode Date: December 2, 2020

On shot 135 Ben breaks down DM's from The Fam's weirdest dates (like going out w/ a girl and forgetting you have a shellfish allergy, accidentally eating calamari, having her take you to the ER and then still going home with her) he explains the "guys peeing outside" phenomenon and tells us about his beef with card games. Ben reveals that his actual super power is his ass smelling like whatever he was around that day (ex: goes to a bookstore, ass somehow smells like a bookstore) and talks about how drinking dark alcohol actually turns him into the manliest guy of all time. He confesses that his toes look like 90 degree angles and that he sounds like a demonic alien giving birth when he's about to fall asleep :) He does #ViViViViral and #DaysOfTheWeek but you already knew that 😎 𝘿𝙈 𝙤𝙧 𝙏𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙩 𝘼𝙉𝙔 𝙦𝙪𝙚𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙤𝙣𝙨 𝙛𝙤𝙧 𝘽𝙚𝙣 𝙩𝙤 𝙖𝙣𝙨𝙬𝙚𝙧 𝙤𝙣 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙥𝙤𝙙 ! (@benedictpolizzi) >>>> 𝗗𝗼𝗻'𝘁 𝗙𝗼𝗿𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝗧𝗼 𝗥𝗮𝘁𝗲 & 𝗥𝗲𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄! <<<<< 𝗨𝗽𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘄𝘀: Saturday 12/5: Melrose Ave, Los Angeles, CA 𝗣𝗲𝗿𝘀𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹 𝗦𝗵𝗼𝘂𝘁𝗼𝘂𝘁𝘀: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

The Espresso Pod- Check that, check that. The Espresso Podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com. Show 135. Shot 135 This sounds like some cowboy shit This is me every time I Every time I have to put on jeans This is me in my room strapping them up

Cause that's what you do with jeans Honestly you don't put You can't to put on jeans, this is me in my room strapping them up. Because that's what you do with jeans, honestly. You can't just put on jeans. You have to become a cowboy when you put on jeans. Right when I take them off the hanger and do that, you know, you like unravel them like they're a bed sheet. Right after I pop those jeans. Right after I pop my Wranglers. Right when I put one foot in my jean hole and it pops through and I see my foot on the other side. Left foot.

Pull them up and do that jean jump. You know, you know, you get that pair of jeans and you, right when you zip the zipper all the way up, you can like feel it tighten on your ass and you're like, giddy up. Then of course jeans The most difficult pair of pants And everybody still wears them Why? Put the belt through all the belt loops Why? Because jeans don't fit and you gotta wear a belt For some reason

I hate that But right when you chain your belt together Like you're in the wild wild west And then you do that little half squat just to make sure your jeans are ready to rock it's this right here right here Hotty Hotty Uh

You kinda cool girl You beautiful girl You ain't just fine girl You a hottie Okay now Alright I'm done I'm done I'm done What's up Shot 135

We got a good one For real What's up? Shout 135. We got a good one. For real. Remember to follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, Cameo. All that Benedict Polizzi. Get a Cameo. Haven't had one in a while. Feeling kind of weird.

Kind of think they took me off the app for some reason. Longest time without a Cameo. No, we'll do like a Christmas cameo thing. I'll put it on my story. Every single thing in my life, I'll put it on my story. I'll put it on my story. We're having merch soon. Merch is coming out. And I'm hyped for it. I'm actually excited.

I've been working on it for like, it seems like two months. Like every day. I've been like, oh my god. But like, I like sent it in and i like can't stop you know when you can't stop looking at something you're like it's like that it's gonna be tight but it's coming out it'll come out like before christmas or something and uh i'll definitely let you guys know i'll put it on the story but yeah that'll be dope thanks for listening everybody again rate review subscribe do everything you can because i swear to god this is one of the best podcasts and it's under

appreciated ah just saying it just saying it just saying it just saying it because it is every time i get done with one of these podcasts, I'm like, who's this better? Nobody has fun like we have fun. Like, when you listen to this podcast, you're like, it's time to fuck around. And that's why I'm here, baby. Always. Anytime, even in real life, if you need a mini fuck around session, DM me. I swear to God. I swear. If you need a little cheer up, actually DM me. I swear to God. I swear.

If you need a little cheer up, actually ask for a cameo. Do that. No, seriously. You can help me out too. Put a little buckaroos in my pocket. Dads can never say dollars. Put a little scratch in my pocket. All right.

So what's up? I got a show coming up this Friday in LA It's gonna be a heater I can't wait, LA people Come out, let's get it It'll be fun I'll give you guys some more information I'll put it on my story

So what's up? So we ready for Christmas? Are we? We are. We've been ready for Christmas this whole goddamn time. I heard Christmas music in a gas station the other day. What is it? What is it? It's just goddamn magic. I'm a holiday bitch.

I hate when people don't like Christmasmas like okay i know i know it's all fake i know presents it's cool giving people presents and everybody's in a good mood everybody likes christmas deep down there's something that you're like all right yeah it's kind of even if you're like super like i know like three people close to me that are like fuck it it's like saying you don't like candy yeah you do giving people presents you don't like doing that even when you don't have that much money you're just like fuck it i'll just go in debt for a little bit but i just want to get you something tight when you buy a present for somebody and you know they want it and need it and have no idea you're buying it for them

But you're like That's me in my head every time someone's opening a present How about when you know they want it and they're really excited for it, but they like downplay the reaction You know, they're like they don't act surprised you're like dude, um I like want to like take them into't act surprised. You're like, dude. I like want to like take them into the bathroom for a second and be like, hey, that shit you pulled out there, complete fucking bullshit. All right. I know you wanted those goddamn walkie talkies.

Okay. That's all you've been walking and talking about for the last fucking two months. And I got you the version that's better than the one he wanted. So go in there and fucking let's straighten it out. Okay? Okay. Talking to like a three-year-old in the bathroom. My dad's such a dickhead on Christmas.

He's all like, oh, yeah, Christmas time. I miss my kids. And then we're like, here's your present. And he's like, I'll open it tomorrow. I'm like, what the fuck? You can act happy. My dad's too tough to act happy. I swear to God, he's like, no.

I got to go return all this crap. Dude, one year, nobody really told him what we wanted for christmas and he was like pissed because he wanted the tree to look tight with presents under it which i don't blame him because that's like a thing like having a dope like walking downstairs on christmas and having like presents dot fucking com nobody says dot com anymore like that with me but you know I'm talking about sometimes you just got a pull out at calm but it's like that serious ah you know when you're a kid you like look downstairs like just to see and you're like fuck that's what my dad wants it to be every single year

even though we're like all 50 years old. It's so lame. But yeah, yeah, yeah. But like my dad wants it like that. And no, when you're, everybody's just like, I don't know. You know, when you just don't know what you want for Christmas because you like haven't thought of it yet. That was all of us until like December 24th. So he just like bought random shit that like he kind of was, he was just like guessing like, oh, you need a blender?

Or like I bought a blender last week. And he's like, yeah, well now this one, you got two of them. You can give one to your roommate. Like, dude, he just wanted boxes under the tree. And immediately, right when I would unwrap something, I'd be like, yeah, but what? He'd be like, let me get the receipt. My dad's the king of receipts. My dad collects receipts like

baseball cards he's like i got this 1992 toys r us mint condition for your huffy bike but yeah i'm excited for christmas i have no idea what i want um i kind of want a tv but i don't watch TV Okay we're spending way too much time On my Christmas experiences Let's get to the Let's get to the show Let's get to the question I put a question on Instagram

Weirdest thing that's happened to you on a date Honestly I'm gonna be Dead ass I was struggling for a question I was like I don't know Maybe we just don't do one this week. So honestly, if you have a question or something pops up and you

want to talk about it, send it to me and we'll get it cracking. Okay, here we go. Weirdest thing that's happened to you on a date. Tried to impress a girl by ordering calamari but didn't know it was a shellfish. I'm allergic to shellfish.

I had an allergic reaction to the shellfish. She had to take me to the ER. Still hit. That's a funny ass story. That's Carrie's modern life. Oh my god. Still hit. Even though, even if

you didn't, don't care That's hilarious Your puffy ass face having sex What'd you say? I can't What do you say? He can't even see His eyes are like swelled over

Still hit My ass What do you sound- He can't even see. His eyes are like swelled over. Still hit my ass. He sounds like this. His voice. This is his voice this is his voice carrie carrie's modern life trying to get ass but allergic to calamari right before right before he asked this girl on a second date after after everything went down he's like yo whoa so can we can we can i see you again sometime she's like what can i see you again sometime she's like hey i'll just i'll just text you and he's like oh this is him when he shuts the door and walks back into his apartment back it up and dump it back back it up. No, this is him for real.

Right here. I used to sing that. I did that in my house for four hours one time. I was just doing this. I was like, what? I was like, what? Like, I swear to God, when I get something stuck in my head, and you guys know this, that it doesn't stop. I was like, what?

I was like, what? I did that for so long. Like, I was just, like, playing video games, like, for the whole day. Because I had nothing to do. And I was just like, Every time I did anything. Pitch the ball to the guy behind me. Jump over something on Crash Bandicoot.

And finally, my sister was like, And I was like, And she was like what are you even saying and i was like and she's like oh that's what you've been saying this whole day and i was like literally just honestly saying that in the living room i was like literally just honestly saying that in the living room anyway yeah carrie's world bro nice that is a dm that's a dm that's a dm what else What else we got? Audrey Pastula, my cousin. Bonus question. Has anyone successfully slid into your DMs and how'd it go? Wow.

That's just like a question question. Has anyone ever slid in my DMs and how'd it go? It's usually people I have no idea who they are. And they're like, oh my God. They say that, dude, girls say some of the corniest stuff in DM world. Like one time this girl sent me an emoji of a dog, and I didn't see it, or I just didn't respond in time, and then she sent another DM, and she was like,

oh my God, I lost my dog, but there it is. it is hey while i'm here what are you doing this thursday i was like not you i don't think i've ever met anybody on the internet that i'm like oh my god you changed my life. Here we go. Here we go. Caitlin, Nicole, not that. Okay. Weirdest thing that's ever happened on a date. Matt Shoemaker. Worst date was my one and only bumble date. I think bumble dates are so weird. How can you just not even know them and just go? How desperate. not even know them and just go. How desperate. How desperate. If you have to get on Bumble or a dating app to date somebody, it's not the time. Jesus Christ. Find them like a normal person. Girl looked nothing like her photo. This is Matt Shoemaker. Worst date was my one and only Bumble date. Girl looked nothing like her photo. And she ordered a whole meal while I sat there and just had a drink.

Is that a thing girls do? Do girls just like get on Bumble to like... Eat? Feed me. Because you really could if you wanted. That is a thing. On Bumble dates you can just wild out though I guess because you might

like never see him again and like who cares because you don't really care on a bumble date right that has to suck like I'm going on a bumble date with this girl on this Sunday at 6pm I'd be like I'd rather just play in a flag football

game honestly like is there anything worse than like anticipating a date with somebody you don't know Laney Hughes weirdest thing that's ever happened on a date went on a bowling date with a guy from Montenegro he barely spoke English plus his accent made it impossible for me to understand him he kept saying we kids now it took me a minute but I finally realized he was saying He barely spoke English, plus his accent made it impossible for me to understand him. He kept saying, we kids now. It took me a minute, but I finally realized he was saying, we kiss now. And that's all he wanted to do was make out.

Dude, foreign guy's game is so sexy. We kiss now. That's what I'm going to do on a date. We kiss now. That's literally'm gonna do on a date we kiss now that's literally what i do on a date though the whole time he's that's the realest shit i've ever heard in my life because that's every guy on a date is we kiss now that's that's what's playing in their head while they're like hey uh so you want to get the appetizer or the dessert or what are you thinking? That's what's behind all that bullshit? So how was, you said you know that girl that is awaiting our table?

How do you know her? All that means is we kiss now. We kids now. Come here, baby. Yeah. Like you're at her apartment door. Before we go inside, I just want to say I had a great time and... Yeah? We kids now.

It works. She's like, oh, I know. Every time I like, ew, bro, my like, every time I like talk like sweet, every time I talk like, you know,

every guy, you can't talk to your, you can't talk to girls like you talk to your homies. You know what I mean? Like you don't have, it's a different tone. They're girls.

You have to be nice. You have to be nice. You don't talk, yo, what's up, bitch? Like, you can't say, like, that's what you say to your best friend. To your girlfriend, you're like, hey. Every time I, like, talk, like, sweet like that, holy shit, dude. I turn into, like, the sexiest, grossest voice of all time. I'm like, exactly what I made fun of earlier, that's me.

I'm like, yeah, I had a really good time why why do i have to turn into like the beginning of an r&b song every time i talk to a girl seriously it's really fun just me and you what song what does that sound like hold on hold on what song is that from I know I heard you this is my more yourself fitting this is my tone of voice every time I talk to a girl like like seriously, like in a serious moment, like face to face. This is how I, this is my exact tone. Right here, right here, right here. This is me apologizing to a girl.

Dude. but there's more listen after i didn't text a girl back all day because i just forgot i know you hate me i know i hurt you but there's more listen The most dramatic man Watch this Watch this These are my excuses I saw that you texted me But I didn't really know What to say back And then I forgot

Then I got on Instagram And then after that It was all fucked up and I forgot I'm really sorry And I can't help do anything for you I'm in vacuum At your call It doesn't matter

I don't care what to do I'll probably end up buying you flowers like a bitch It's gonna be the hardest thing Every single time, dude. Not that that's ever happened, but... Alright. Wow, dude. These DMs are sexy.

Weirdest thing that's ever happened to you on a date. Steph Rain. After the hike, he cried in my arms and then said we couldn't talk anymore because he got accepted into the FBI. I mean, at least I got leftovers. After the hike, he cried in my arms and said we couldn't talk anymore because he got accepted in the FBI Dude

Why'd you go on a date with Why'd you go on a date with a policeman So what do you like do for a living I'm trying to be in the FBI I'd be like Delete K makes it rain. Weirdest thing that's ever happening on a date. I let a guy stay the night after a date so he didn't have to drive an hour home and woke up to a wet bed. Thought it could be a sweat. Nope. Dude pissed my bed. nope dude pissed my bed and he just dipped couldn't handle it dude when something crazy like that happens you just gotta go with it just it's funny i promise it's funny just don't don't

bitch out because i'm the king of bitching out but just just be like yeah sorry i pissed all over you and it'll be like a funny thing and even if it doesn't work out the girl will be like oh my god it's a guy that pissed on my bed it like she's definitely gonna tell her friends but like it'll still be like a little funnier than you being a complete bitch about it and leaving and fleeing the country after you piss all over comforter weirdest thing that's ever happened on a date. Jenna Sullivan, 24. One time a guy and I went out for drinks at Brothers and we got into a really deep conversation about his family. He cried to me about his father coming back into his life after 22 years and never heard from him again.

Dude. Yeah, when guys cry. When guys cry. Guy cry. Guy cry is such a thing. When guys cry. Guy cry. Guy cry is such a thing. Oh, my God. Guy cry. Like, just two tears come down, but you don't make any noises because you're like, I'm better than that.

Everybody's guy cried with a girl. Like, two little tears come out of your eye, and you're just like, you just do this once. Like two little tears come out of your eye and yours like you just do this once And you wipe the tears like hard off your face you never wipe them like gently it's always like scraping You scrape the fuck out of your skin Guy cry this didn't sound like a guy cry this sound like like some serious... He must have been hit, dude. He had like one beer. Okay.

This is the DMs I get. This is girls shooting their shot, if you really want to know. This is what they say. Caroline underscore Edwards. Weirdest thing that's ever happened to you on a date. She said, Weirdest thing is when I showed up, wasn't you that's like it weirdest thing that's happened to me on a date wow she read back the question like it was a fourth grade science test weirdest thing that's happened to me on a date

i agreed to go on a date with a guy who had been persistently asking me out for a year. Finally, I gave in. Whether it was pity or desperation, I don't know. When we were out to dinner, he started talking about his dad, who was definitely alive at the time, and still is, and started visibly crying and sniffling at the table. Why is every guy crying? Why are you guys all going on dates with me? Being not very emotional

myself it was a huge turn off and it was fully weirded out he then proceeded to drink like a fish and insist on driving me home which definitely wasn't okay to do safe to say I never went on another date with him he still proceeds to talk to me physically and literally

proceeds proceeds he still proceeds people that say proceeds I'm okay, you're not a lawyer. No, but guys crying. It's fine. Because that's like the thing that girls are always like, guys don't show their emotion right when we cry. Pussy! I'm like, damn, dude.

What do you want us to do? We cry, pussy! I'm like, damn, dude. What do you want us to do? Drunk cry guy. Pretty fly for a drunk cry guy. Every time I walk out of my apartment. Pretty fly for a drunk cry guy. Me getting ready at my apartment for a date.

In my room putting on jeans like a cowboy. And I walk outside and I'm like, He's pretty fly for a drunk cry guy. Guy. All right, let's keep going. Let's keep going. Here we go. I'm just doing short ones from now on. Sid, Sid, Sid Elbow. Weirdest thing that's ever happened on a date.

Great date. At the end of date one, guy asked to suck my toes. Abrupt. Guys that like feet are not shy. It's like, hey, just because you like them, doesn't mean you have to be a murderer about it. Alright, I don't even know. That's just fucking insane.

First date. Like, it must have gone well. Like, if you're reading the room and it's like a banging date, let me suck your toes. Ugh! How could you even say that? In the car.

Alright, did you have fun? Your blinker's still on. Yeah, it was good. Can I suck your toes? Oh my god! I meant we kids now. Oh yeah. Beton7. Weirdest thing that's ever happened on a date.

She told me it wasn't a date mid-dinner. I asked her if she was joking. She continued to be pretty rude. So I said, screw this. Split the tab with her. Farted in the car. Dude. B7.

She called me out and still slept together that night. Oh! So the fart got you laid. So the chicken buffalo nachos got you laid. You wanna come inside? We kids now.

So stupid. One more. Miss Kylie Grace. Weirdest thing that's ever happened on a date. We were driving through the country roads after a movie. He pulled over and peed in a cornfield. You went on a date with me. And you went on a date with me.

Guys peeing outside. Just nothing like it. That's like a trendy thing right now. It's like making fun of guys peeing outside. It's just like don't have to aim that's the reason why do guys like pissing outside so much we don't have to aim I automatically wipe off the seat every time because I was like trained like I was in the military growing up by my sisters and mom if there was pee on the seat i was fucking done so not having to worry about that is like oh my god i'll just go outside

jesus but if my mom or sisters ever call me peeing outside this this fury me ping outside sisters and mom look out the window and see me right here and i look around i'm like holy fuck and then and then and then this place then i walk i walk inside and i don't talk to any then i actually i don't even go inside i just walk around the neighborhood for like 45 minutes barefoot.

Yep, pretty much. Alright, let's do viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-viral. Hashtag keeps me awake. Hashtag keeps me awake hashtag keeps me awake dude I always wake myself up like snoring and it's so embarrassing you ever like try not to snore so hard cause you're like around people

but like you just can't I think half of this podcast is just stories about me snoring like trying not to snore but I swear to god like it's so obvious when I'm falling asleep you might as well just fucking sound the fire alarm when i'm falling asleep it's it's the most noises when i'm falling asleep it's like hell satan Are you sleeping? I'm like, oh my god, what do you think?

Yeah, I'm about to go to sleep But like, I fall asleep so fast It'll be like, that's why they ask Because it'll be like right after I'm done talking I'm like, and that's why It was the best christmas ever like are you sleeping i'm like oh what's up no uh i just i just thought about something what's going on like getting back into that fucking voice

I'm not getting back into that fucking voice. They're like, were you sleeping? And I'm like, no, I just, I just, uh, I just. I know you hate me. I know I hurt you. But there's more. Listen. Hail Satan.

I'm bad at long division. I'm sorry, everyone that's listening listening but that's my entire life hashtag moving on hashtag substitute a curse word substitute a curse word we always said crap growing up like in my house

that was like a word we could say like growing up, like in my house. Like it wasn't, that was like a word we could say. Like, oh, that looks like crap. Like we could say that and everybody would be cool with it. But my school, we weren't allowed to say crap. We weren't allowed to say crap in third grade. But I was allowed to just sling it around at the house.

So I'd go to school and be like, that's so crappy. And people would be like, like I got told on so many times for saying crap and i was like you guys are pussies what do you want me to say crud that's so cruddy like dude i'd rather just not even look at you but crud crap hashtag the last time i got drunk the last time i got drunk was thanksgiving night if you want to be honest and i think i'm still drunk from it jesus christ dude when i drink if i take anything, if I eat anything, anything I do, I smell like it. Anything. And even weirder, I've never told anybody this, but I've always wanted to. Anything I'm around, anything, this is so weird. Anything I'm around that's like weird,

my shit smells like it. I had to have said this on this podcast before, but seriously, anything I'm around, like one time I was swimming, my, this is so broad. One time I was swimming at my friend's house and they have like a lake. And I went to the bathroom like later, like when I got home, like the next day, 45 minutes away, my shit, my crap smelled exactly like this lake and i was like what the did i eat the lake it doesn't matter seriously if i'm around a person that like has a distinct smell uh and i go to the bathroom it's gonna smell like it it's so weird that's my x-men power storm we need a hurricane ben we need you to take a shit in the bathroom that smells like Storm. We need a hurricane. Ben. We need you to take a shit in the bathroom that smells like... Poison gas.

So they all pass out. I'm like, on it! I just like climb out of the helicopter on a ladder and like walk in the bathroom. Like I have to really shit. The guards are like, what the fuck? Just let me in. Cause I'm like, I gotta i go to the bathroom they don't know i'm with the x-men i'm like walking all wide-legged and stuff and i go to the bathroom and they all pass out flush the toilet and i like put my hand up to my earpiece i'm like we're clear every single podcast i talk about x-men i know i know i know and it's just gonna get even better

let's do days tuesday national pie day when's it not and i hate when it's national pie day and you're like what's Let's do days. Tuesday. National Pie Day. When's it not? And I hate when it's National Pie Day and you're like, what's your favorite pie? And they're like, 3.14. But my favorite pie, honestly, rhubarb. It's fire.

It's fire. And if you don't think it's fire, you're wrong. You just grow up. If you don't think rhubarb pie is fire, grow up. That's it. That's the podcast. If you don't think rhubarb pie is fire grow up looks weird it's fine it looks like intestines that's fine why was my family raised on rhubarb pie it's like a thing anybody that's ever been to my house has

had rhubarb pie it's like the you know when you have to get in a gang and they're like you have to like do some weird stuff like in a frat or a gang that's like the... You know when you have to get in a gang and they're like... You have to do some weird stuff like in a frat or a gang. That's like to walk in my house you have to have rhubarb pie and act like you like it. What kind is this? Rhubarb?

I'm like, get the fuck out. National Eat a Red Apple Day. Red apples are better than green apples. We know this, right? Green apples, I'm like, this is decoration. Red apples, I'm like, I'm eating this with peanut butter on it and eating four throughout the day. Thank you.

Bye. World Trick Shot Day. That just reminds me of being at a young basketball practice and everybody's just shooting half-court shots and the coach is like, All right, hey, let's practice shots. We're really going to do in games. Me every single time firing one off from the other free throw line. Most exciting thing.

You could win like eight games, go undefeated, win the championship. The kids are like, oh, it was a good season. You hit a shot from half court in practice. All your friends. Let's fucking go. Oh, my God, John, I love you. And the coach is like, all right, what happened in here? The coaches are always so goddamn mad.

Like, damn. Okay, Wednesday, National Fritters Day. I swear to God, it's been National Fritters Day for 19 Wednesdays in a row this is so crazy I went I got donuts last Sunday I know I'm annoying I got donuts last I'm like I'm so healthy I don't eat bread just ate like 19 donuts but I work I work overnight sometimes and in the morning the only place open is a donut place so i'm like and they had apple fritters since since i've been talking about them so many times every podcast for the last nine i was like i don't even like them but i'm getting it this apple fritter had to be the size of a fucking snapping turtle.

It was amazing. I was like, I don't even care if that's $22. Give me that shit. It was immaculate. Didn't taste that good. Did I eat the whole thing? Obviously. Will I ever get one again?

Absolutely. National Mutt Day. will i ever get one again absolutely national mutt day god saying it saying a dog is a mutt just sounds like a racial slur doesn't it what kind of dog you guys a fucking mutt i'm like oh national cookie day i are the am i dumb i swear it's been national cookie day so many times um i've got this thing and i'm addicted to subway cookies right now oh shit you can't tell me another cookie is better than Subway cookies right now. I go through phases. Jersey Mike's cookies are fire. But Subway, there's some more Subway cookies right now, I'm telling you. Go try them. Three for a dollar?

Like I've ever just gotten three. Three cookies for a dollar. And you don't think I'm getting nine and eating them all in the car? National Dice Day. I'm going to play dice. No. Any game with dice or cards. I'm like, I have no clue what you're doing or saying.

Why is it a different language? I'm going to play Euchre. I'm like, what? No, that's my answer. Movies and euchre. Euchre, dude. Euchre night. I'm like, I'm actually leaving the state. Come over and play euchre, bro. First of all, how the fuck did you learn how to play did you take a course in high school i would literally have to take a high school 101 euchre class to learn how to play that game how do you ever listen to somebody and learn how to play euchre and it's always like some drunk guy telling you how and i'd just be like you know i'd rather just you know come on man we need one more for euchre we'll teach you how and i'd just be like you know i'd rather just you know come on man we need one more for you we'll teach you how to play it's easy you'll catch on

you can't say that to me i'll be like uh you're in for a treat buddy i don't catch on to fucking anything i've never caught on once you'll catch on yeah you want to bet you want to bet i need like a powerpoint presentation on how to spell how to play euchre but i'd fall asleep during the whole thing and i'd be like just send it to me then i wouldn't look at it euchre no everybody that loves euchre is just like oh i know i'm sorry euchre knight what's trump what yeah what's trump i remember somebody taught me how to play euchre one time and i was like what are you saying like when i don't understand when i've never heard a word like please spell it because i bro you wanna play cards no i've never actually been sure of an answer in my life do you want to play cards no hey what do you want to eat for dinner oh my god i have no idea holy crap i could uh

you know i could go for breakfast honestly i could I could do anything. Do you want to play cards? Absolutely not. Oh, my God. Do you want to play cards? No. We kids now. Yes. Friday, National Sock Day. Love socks.

I know you guys hate that I love socks, but I'm sorry. I'm a sock day. Love socks. I know you guys hate that I love socks, but I'm sorry. I'm a sock bitch. I rub them together like a mother fucking cricket. Dude, my feet. My feet are so whack. My feet are so whack. I know. I've talked about it before on here. I had to.

My toes right next to my big toe are like... They just took a right hard right like they forgot you know you gotta turn right and the person's like go right down you're like that's my that's my toe both of them both feet so i have to wear socks so if you don't like ew socks gross dirty they stink they stink. They stink. Gotta wear them, man. You don't want to see what I got going down there.

National Bartender Day. Man, all I do is make fun of bartenders, so. Just the way, bartenders are such a show. The shaking and then the, they're like hitting everything. I'm like, yeah, just chill chill i don't need that drink if it needs to be all that i'll just take a water oh my god i dropped it on my toe i gotta take my sock off here's your lemon drop sir all that Saturday

bathtub party day yeah baths were kind of the shit baths were the shit baths were the shit when you were a kid it was fun so weird when the water's clear though and you're just like looking at your dick you're like um time to get out

oh my god okay and you're just like looking at your dick. You're like, um, time to get out. Oh my God. Okay. National Vodka Day. National Vodka Day. Has to be the easiest liquor to drink, right? I think so. Dude, when I drink anything dark, I'm like... How come I turn into the biggest guy ever anytime I drink

anything dark I'm like take a shot of Jack Daniels. I'm like, one shot of Evan Williams. I'm like, we kiss now sunday national microwave oven day national microwave oven day dude my dad is so annoying and he doesn't like he doesn doesn't use any appliances. I don't know why. Like, like he doesn't use the dishwasher. He, he like, he like despises the dishwasher. Cause he like, doesn't think it does a good enough job. I'm like, dad, the dishwashers aren't from 1970

anymore. Like they are like state of the art. And he's like, i just doesn't get the stuff off like i like like dude it's this dishwasher costs more than your car it's gonna be fine he's like i know that's lazy i'm surprised my dad even uses a washer and dryer i'm surprised he doesn't hand wash it and like hang it in the backyard still oh my god he doesn't use a stove because he's like it's a cleaning up pizza in the oven pizza everywhere you clean up the oven so he just used a microwave oven like that's his oven he's like that's easy small He eats up quits Fine Hey Friend Friend Friend

Friend That's it yo Thanks for listening Remember to rate, review, subscribe Follow me on TikTok Instagram Twitter

Cameo Got a show in LA Like I said This Saturday Throw out some information on Instagram Thank you for the DMs Thanks for listening so much I said, this Saturday, throw out some information on Instagram. Thank you for the DMs. Thanks for listening so much.

I love doing this. This is a really fun episode. Thanks for showing love, for real. I hope you guys have a good Thanksgiving. And we're kids now. I'm just playing. Talk to you guys next week I've uh listen