Espresso - weirdest hookup stories

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

handwriting fetish | shit my dad said wrong | drake can say anything | my flirt move | god made guys in 1min |

Shot 122. Yes, hello. I was wondering if you could... Was that scary? Yes, hello. Yeah, it was. I was wondering if you could... Was that scary? Yes, hello.

Hey, was the beginning of this podcast terrifying? Yes, hello. That's me every time I answer a phone then i'm like i'm like trying to be super proper somebody calls and it's a it's like a number you've never seen but it sounds like a real person they're like hi is this mr palizzi you're like uh yes hello completely different voice that's my mom's whole entire life hey shut up you three sit down hello this is amy That's my mom's whole entire life. Hey! Shut up! You three! Sit down!

Hello, this is Amy. I hate that. I used to know this girl, and she would change her voice like that, and it was painfully obvious. One time we were at the bank, and she was like, oh my god, I hate that girl. She's such a bitch. And the bank teller was like, hi, what would you like to do today? And she was like, yes, hello.

Okay, let's start this over. Shot 122. Yes, hello. I was wondering if you could play that song again. Which one, man? The one that goes... It's me at every party, though. What was that?

I've been that lame guy at the party. Have you ever been caught shazamming something? That's the most lame thing. It's such a good song that you don't want to ask. Hey, bro, what's this called? That's always the biggest compliment of all time, though. When you're playing a song and one your friends is like yo what's this called you're like oh i'm the dj now i created your music influence i'm the dj now i have the best taste ever in music

bro just tell me what it's called and you're like maybe in a couple seconds you just wait there and marinate in the fact that my music taste and influence has struck such a chord in your brain that you had to ask me what song this was and they're like what dude just tell me what it is and you're like okay it's trap queen by fetty wop 1738 okay i said it was a balloon that song though god all right what's up shot 122 this is gonna be a fun one we've got weirdest hookup stories if you responded to that uh instagram promo thank you because it's gonna be it's gonna be good i haven't read any of them and they're all gonna be like i can't wait and we're gonna have some homies

in here to uh talk about it with us so we going to switch up the flow a little bit. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Before we get into it, remember, follow on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, and Cameo, all at Benedict Polizzi. Subscribe, rate, and review the, oh my God, I almost called it the Depresso podcast.

Oh no. Follow, subscribe, rate, and review the Espresso Pod on Apple Podcasts and Spotify since we're back on, baby. Happy to be back on. Seriously, it feels good. Also, I want to get some merch going soon. Hoodies, dude. Hoodies!

And maybe a hat. I don't know. Throw me some suggestions of what should be on it and what you guys want it to say. Should it just say espresso? Let's talk about it. But alright. Weirdest hookup stories. Let's get it. I've got Devin Murphy and Kayla Dunn here.

Our hookup experts. Why is your tongue out? Okay, don't call me a hookup expert. I've been in serious relationships't call me a hookup expert i've been in serious relationships for the past like i know i'm calling you experts because because like you guys have i heard some things about kayla there's a couple we could tell about kayla yeah a couple stories all right all right let's let's get one like off the jump so you guys can kind of introduce yourselves to the to the fam, and then we'll dive into everybody else's.

All right. So what's up? Devin? So- You got this? I don't have any hookup stories. None for Devin, definitely. But Kayla, she gets her nipples twisted off, and she accidentally calls her mom while she's

having sex. All right. Story number one. So what happened? You said you went on a hinge date or what? Okay, well one was a hinge date, the other one was a date. Just like a normal date. Date, date. So he got to date number two

so you're like kind of feeling it. You're like, alright. But after the first, she wasn't feeling it. After the first date, she texted me and she was upset because he wore bootcut jeans. How can you even tell? Ryan was a bootcut jeans. Are you guys like old baby jean experts? That was not Ryan.

No, that's not true. He wasn't wearing bootcut jeans. He was just. That's 100% true. It wasn't true. I swear. The second guy, my second hinge date was the bootcut guy. Like, what does that even look like though?

Bootcut jeans. Like, how can you, like, does he just look like a carpenter, like walking? Yeah. Every guy I've ever said that to is like, what are bootcut jeans? And I'm like, well. Guys don't know jeans. We're just like, I think these are cool.

Just like jeans that are way too- Oh my God, Ben's wearing bootcut jeans right now. Dude, I think I am. I'm wearing like the most Levi's of all time. Shit, I need new jeans now? Dude, for real? Do I need new jeans? Just say it.

My eyes are closed just say it i can't even see your legs yeah i can't see your legs i know you saw him earlier and you're like he has levi's from fucking coals and they are okay just kidding macy's uh no they they weren't because i so in his but like that'll get you? No, it was like, that's the turn off. That's a turn off. Well, that was the thing.

And so I could only see in all of his pictures, it was from his... It's like when a dude's bald and he wears a hat in all his pictures. So he just wasn't wearing jeans. No, no, no. It was like his shins down i couldn't see the bottom of his jeans boot cut jeans are like the ones that like go over your boots literally like the only jeans they cover like all of your shoe like basically to the tip of your shoe this is so funny this sucks i can't wait to throw away all my clothes when I get home

so I was worrisome about the Buka jeans but that was a different date okay back to Brian I thought Buka and Brian were the same person Brian I'm so sorry if you hear this alright let's get get to it

he twisted her nipples that was basically it. Yeah, like I slept with him and like I wanted him out of my bed so bad, like within 15 seconds because he would not stop twisting, like literally like taking my nipples. What was he doing? That was it. Did you ever like, were you ever like, what? I mean, no.

Why? I don't know. What do you say? That's why. I mean, like, if somebody's twisting your nipples, the only appropriate reaction is, like, to be like, get the fuck out of my bed. But, like, how do you say that without being rude? I mean, you could just be like, chill. I don't know.

It just didn't feel like that wasn't the vibe. You're like, I like that. Okay, that's not even a fun story though alright so the other one though what's the other one? the voicemail I sound creepy as fuck over here I'm like say it the voicemail

that was that one happened yesterday I was having intercourse and I like at the end of it was like okay you know you get on your phone like whatever like everything's over and so like I find my phone somewhere hidden in my bed and when I get on it it literally says mom at the top of my screen I swear and it said like the time log like right underneath where it says their name it said three minutes

and like 12 seconds or something like that and so i'm like freaking out so like hang up because i'm like first of all like either she was listening for three minutes and 12 seconds that's a lot of time like at the end of what if she was just like the whole time like hello kayla hello for three minutes i know so like honestly that would have been best case scenario are you okay she like here would have been best case scenario, right? Are you okay? She can like hear you. It would have been best case scenario if she were like genuinely being like,

hey, like, are you there? Like, you know, I can't hear you. Like crazy, like muffled sounds, whatever. I get a text,

so I hang up immediately and I get a text from her and she's like, hey, like, did you need anything? Like, tries to call me back and she's like,

sorry, I was outside and working in the yard. So there's a three minute voicemail on my mom's phone. And you haven't like talked to her about that? So I went to dinner with her that night and like she's just not the type of person to like say anything. So no.

So she definitely knows though. She said nothing. Is she acting normal? The worst part for me she called for me Kayla called me right after to tell me this story. Didn't this happen like very yesterday perfect time she calls me after to tell me that she left her mom a voicemail of herself having sex and I was like oh well maybe it just sounds you know like muffled like in the sheets

and her and ex are like oh no there no way. And that is disgusting to me. I think that's so inappropriate that they are so nasty and talk like that in bed. That's not even what I'm saying. But I mean, like, you're having sex. Like, obviously, like, having sex is a distinct sound. My friend. You're like, twist my nipples. Yeah, exactly.

See? She liked it. She liked it. Well, yeah. Yeah, exactly. See? She liked it. She liked it. Well, yeah. Okay, let's get to these other ones. Because I feel like Ryan Seacrest over here. So, what next? What happened next?

Okay, here we go. This is crazy. This dude's a comedian from St. Louis. Max Price. Had a girl moan like a meowing cat dude in that situation honestly what if some guy was like if a guy started meowing

I would get up and walk out that door did he do it had a girl moan wow what if he was doing it that would be kind of funny like all of a sudden alright Had a girl mode. Wow, what if he was doing it? Now that would be kind of funny. Like all of a sudden, he's like... All right.

Okay, another thing he said. Had sex on mushrooms and couldn't finish because her head was making too many weird shapes. Dude, I didn't know these were going to be like this. All right. Okay, here we go. Here's another one. Jamie Arnold. I wonder if I should be saying their names.

Whatever. Jamie Arnold. I wonder if I should be saying their names. Whatever. They knew. I got a gross and embarrassing one, so I can't believe I'm sharing this, but it was pretty unreal. I'm excited. It's good. I went on a first date and went home with the guy after. guy after he literally brought me into his room with nothing but an air mattress on the floor and his dog dog cage sketchy and gross but i proceeded to get with him anyways should have taken that as a sign nothing good was gonna happen for sure when we were going at it i was on top and leaned forward to kiss him. His dog

cage up from behind me and straight up licked my butthole. She got her ass ate by a dog. While she was having sex? Maybe we shouldn't put that name in here. On an air mattress?

Dude, they're down. It was literally a dog cage, an air mattress, a person, and a dog. And there was probably a flag on the wall. 100% an American flag hanging on the wall somewhere in the apartment. Or wherever, yes, 100%. What kind of dog, I wonder? It was probably a pit bull. You're like, mm, is it a golden retriever?

That's weird. Dude, Jamie Arnold, thanks for letting us know. Holy shit. Wow, though. Can you imagine your reaction? Would you tell the dude, hey, your dog just did better than you? No. I don't know.

That's very interesting. I think I'd be a little upset. The first thing to lick my ass was a dog. Dude, that was a good one, though. Okay. Brannon CB14. One of my buddies peed on a girl when he pulled out.

Wait, how's that happen? I've never been like doing that. I've been like, damn, I got a piss. Is it two different holes all over someone? What? Is it two different holes for a dude? No. Well, I don't know. Girls have two different holes.

No, it's cool. It's cool. Glad you asked. I didn't know that happened. I've never heard of such a thing. One of my buddies peed on a girl when he pulled out. Apologize. Then she shit some soft serve.

Dude. Who? Oh, I think, I believe that's what you call a steamroller. I've heard of this. So you don't know guys have one hole, but you know what a steamroller is? Well, I didn't know like inside the one hole, if there was like two beneath it. This is the dirtiest shit I've ever done in my life. No, I've heard of a steamroller from people

from your high school. Ew. Okay. Wait, wait, wait. The girl shits on the guy's chest and then she rubs it around. Wait, how do you clean that up? Why do you know all about that? For some reason, the girl spreads it around.

All right, Amber Brummet. This guy asked me if he could keep my underwear afterwards. I said no. I kind of need those, bud. Call the cops. Girls sell their underwear. That's a good thing these days. Would you ever be like, here, take them? Fuck

no. How weird. Is it like flattering? No, no, no, that's actually really disgusting. Yeah. For somebody to ask to keep your... Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. Okay. Like, are you gonna pay for that? That's what I'm saying, like girls sell their underwears on the internet these days.

That's like a thing that girls... If you wanna pay me, pay me $15 for my $7.45... After you hook up with a guy... Venmo. After you hook up with a guy, though... Pay me and then you're blocked. You're not going to hook up with him again, right?

If he asks to buy your underwear. Done deal. That's over. Sniff the fucking panties. You'd be down? One and done. It's over. Sniff the fucking panties. You'd be down? One and done. For $15? Here's my underwear, buy forever. Yeah, like they have seven for what? $25 at Victoria's Secret?

Buy my $7 pair of underwear for $15 and then never talk to me again. $15 is like, okay. I feel like that's low. That's a little low. That is low, but I don't know I don't sell underwear I don't either but if I did

Okay what would you sell your underwear for? Dude if I was a girl after that With a guy I'd be like $150 You would literally get bought out Guys do anything after that $150 that's a lot I think like $75 He's crazy Guys do anything after that. No, you would get bought out. $150, that's a lot.

I think it's like $75. He's crazy. Yeah, that's the thing. If they're asking for your underwear to buy them. You could be like, change my oil too. Yeah, you're right. You could ask for the whole world. I also feel like guys at that point are like, they'll spend whatever on whatever they have. It really doesn't matter.

Okay, fine. Sorry I said $15. $15 is cheap, I feel like. Does that make me sound poor? I haven't thought of the amount of $15 in the last four years. You spent $15 on one glass of wine tonight. All right, next. Chill.

Okay. FKA, real fly. Oh, I know her, Kaylin. When I was 19-ish, I went to Bartini's and took one too many shots and started puking. Impressively, I made all my puke in a plastic water cup. water cup this guy who had met that night at the pregame was like helping me get in the taxi back to the place we pre-gamed or whatever and he was so nice but he started making out with me after he clearly saw me puke in a water cup but the best part was as we were making out he whispered in my ear, you're perfect.

See, I feel like some people really don't care that much if you've puked or not. I feel like I've had that happen, too. Yeah, I think that's like a personal just preference. You're like, you know what? I'm going to forego this entire experience. Imagine how much you have to like somebody though. Maybe he loves her.

Yeah, does he still love her, I wonder? I think I'd be that guy, honestly. I'm a you're perfect guy. You both are. This one looks pretty good Asabina Clark So I was at my best friend's house When I was like 10

And she wanted to watch Grease And I'd never seen it And so I called my mom to see if I could watch it Because it was PG-13 And it was good And I've never seen it. And so I called my mom to see if I could watch it because it was PG-13 and it was good. And I was terrified. Damn, that's really good of her. What a good girl. Nice girl.

And she was like, oh, I really don't think so. No, you're 10 and it's PG-13. So I told her, no, I could not watch it. And still to this day i've never seen grease wait i could think of something way more crazy though that story is just dumb i think she missed the definition she forgot the question you asked When I asked The weirdest hookup story I thought she was When you said 10 I was like damn

Did she lose like What did you think I asked Like no Biggest regret you have as a 10 year old Go Yeah that's next week Shoot Wow okay we're gonna keep going You guys down? Yeah, that's next week. Shoot.

Wow. Okay. We're going to keep going. You guys down? Down. Sure. Okay. All right, here we go.

William Fulton. Sounds like a president. Went on a date with a girl. Okay. Went on a date with a girl, 24, who had an 11 and 8 year old kid. She was kidnapped by her uncle and development Stockholm Syndrome

and was locked inside the same house for six years. Oh my god. I feel bad. That's like, what was that? Gypsy. Gypsy gypsy Gypsy Rose She told me this the next morning When her two kids were knocking on the door

11 at 24 So she was like 13 She had her first kid She had an 11 And an 8 year old kid So 13 She was like 12 when she got pregnant By her uncle.

Oh my God. Oh, this one's a bit too serious. Yeah, that was dark. That was, yeah. I wish, I kind of wish though that happened to Ben. I'd be like, sorry.

But I'd be like, you're perfect. She would probably need to hear that. Okay, we're still going. Katie Grubbs. Gross last name. I went home with a guy. Grubbs? Damn.

She's like, please, anyone marry me. I went home with a guy. I went home with a guy in college that I knew was probably about 10 years older than me. I was 19. He ended up being 31. And he took me back to his massive house in a really nice neighborhood. and he took me back to his massive house in a really nice neighborhood. Walked to get water in the morning and was met by his parents making breakfast.

It was his parents' house. He also didn't have a license at the time, so he couldn't drive me home. And this was in Oxford, Mississippi, where we didn't have Lyft or Uber at the time. So I just put on my clothes from the night before and walked two miles to campus to get in my sorority house. My phone was also dead. How weird. Sounds miserable. That's like the most walk of shame.

How weird, though, is 19 to 31? Is that weird? I think the weirdest part is that he lived at his parents' mansions. I don't know. You know, you got to be up front with like, yo. Is 19 to 31 not weird? No, that's not that weird. That's a little weird.

Yeah, it's kind of weird. I honestly think like if a girl's still in her teens and you're 30, anything. Yeah, you got to be like in the the next get into the 20s real quick. I would say like 22. Like 21, 22 19 to 31 like that's definitely like not to be like super PC but like

that's it definitely like it's a little weird. I mean maybe he didn't know. He probably didn't know. He probably forgets that he's 31 because he's at home and he thinks he's... Why did he live with his parents, I wonder? Probably because they lived in a mansion. Is that a big-ass house?

Yeah. Jess Murphy. One time I was so drunk I hooked up with this guy, and I was literally in and out of consciousness the whole time. So one moment I was completely enjoying myself, and the next moment I was like half dead. I felt so bad from the next day. Has that ever happened to you?

Oh, the first time that me and Alex hooked up, I don't remember it. And now we're in love. You're like the love of my life. Right, Alex? You're listening. We're in love, right? That's happened to me multiple times, yeah.

Where you forget? Oh, yeah. Did I straight up fall asleep? I have done that too, yeah. Then I wake up and I'm like, wow, I'm so sorry. Do you ever wonder what you looked like? When you're just dead asleep? That's got to be super common if all three of us do that.

Definitely. Oh my God, I probably play a double chin. That's like nine out of ten times. I probably look so unattractive. I don't think I'm a cute sleeper. Dead asleep. Dreaming about something totally different. And the dude's like so into it.

He's like, I'm killing this typically I've found that guys get really offended by that if you don't remember hate hate hate when I say that I would be like damn I don't know if I can ever talk to her again like I'm that embarrassed of my performance

is it because you feel like like no like you're like yeah that's weird that's weird i've yeah that's like an afterthought but the initial thought is like i was so bad she fell asleep see but that's not the thing my thing is like i fall asleep because like it's usually dark in the room if you're like in a lit room and you're blacked out it's like you know you i feel like you're in a lit room and you're blacked out, I feel like your body just knows to stay awake a little bit. But when you're in a dark room in a bed, no matter what you're doing, I'm just like,

all right, well, this is definitely bedtime. You're doing fine, honey. Okay. Trish Gophar Salazar I don't know why Every other name I'm like I don't know This one I'm like Trish Gophar Salazar

A few days ago The guy who bullied me In elementary school Slid into my DMs Of course I hooked up with him And then ghosted his ass Because karma is a bitch

Like let go of it Good for you sis I mean That was in third grade Sorry Chase you're on the playground Did we get Was bullying in elementary school a thing I was not ever bullied

That's why I'm not funny Okay cut this one out thing. I was not ever bullied. That's why I'm not funny. I don't know. Okay, cut this one out. Salazar. Okay. Weirdest hookup. This is long as fuck. Just read it.

Maybe you can read it in your head before you read it out loud I've been doing that the whole time so you can just like sum it up if it's long you know I'm glad the only thing everyone's getting out of this podcast is that I can't read

okay this girl just didn't reply with a story to that post that I put out she goes ew why the hell are you so sweaty? For real though. Oh my God. I was like, I'm doing this right now. I don't care.

Actually, Brady said something about that too. He was like, that's sweaty. That he was sweaty? I'm super sweaty. In the post, in the... He's like sweating okay we're just like up

looking at the same one why am I so sweaty in that goddamn dude I was just like fuck it all right

yeah the girls are you crying or sweating that's another one okay Sweating. That's another one. Okay. Carol.

Hooked up with a guy and peed his bed and blamed it on him. That sounds just like something I would do. Really good call, Carol. For real. He believed me and took me to breakfast to apologize. What a player. Carol, you. I love her. You cracked the code.

Good job. If a girl peed my bed and blamed it on me, I'd be so like, of course it was me. I love you, Carol. Me too. Carol, let's hang out. And breakfast. I'm so sorry. And breakfast.

Did it get on you? She's like a little. I'm so stinky. That's tight. Oh my. Okay, here we go. Last one. Taylor B.

Not me, but a friend. Her front tooth veneer fell off mid hookup and she couldn't find it. So just kept it, just kept her mouth shut when they were face to face. So they finish and he finally rolls over to fall asleep and her tooth is stuck to his fucking back. So did she peel it off? How'd you let him know? She had to secretly pull it off and put it back on and she claims he never noticed.

Wait, you can just stick veneers back in? Just a fake tooth on somebody's back. I feel like that's something that would happen to you. You would get veneers, your tooth would fall out. It'd be on my back.

Just like a chiclet. Like an eclipsed piece of gum on someone's back Veneers are expensive That's so funny to bring up Like hey your tooth is on your fucking back You're perfect though Oh shit

I'm still thinking about that Carol story. Yeah, I like the Carol one. Hooked up with a guy and peed his bed and blamed it on him. He believed me and took me to breakfast. I apologize. Carol's MVP of the hookup stories. Her username or, yeah, her Instagram name is irisexitsaremything. Shut up.

Dude, what's an Irish exit? An Irish goodbye. It means like you leave without saying anything to anybody ever. Damn, Carol's the shit. Carol wins. Carol sounds like a good time. Carol, I will be following you. Okay, dope.

That's weirdest hookup stories with Devin and Kayla. Just be like, bye. I don't know. You need to say bye-bye. Huh? Bye. Bye. Bye.

All right. Weird Hookup Stories. Thanks for DMing your weird hookup story. There's a lot more, and I'll probably do them again next week. I don't know. But Devin and Kayla, thanks for swinging through. Hookup experts. All right.

So let's go viral. Vi-vi-vi-vi-vi. Er-er-er-er. Oh, oh, oh. I haven't done that in a while. Late night suppress. Hashtag I'm always flattered when. I'm always flattered when somebody writes a note.

I know writing a note is like the most personal thing and that's why people love it. But for me, it's the handwriting. I've got like a handwriting fetish. For me, it's the handwriting. No, seriously though. Like you throw a,

like you write me a note and it's got its own, like your handwriting has its own little, like you have your own font. Oh. You know, you ever like see a girl's handwriting and they like write something down and you're like, wait a minute. She makes her capital A's like a triangle without the bottom. Oh. You write me a note and there's a capital E on there with just the three lines and no like side like binding

It's just something about that maybe because I've seen bad handwriting my whole life and I'm just so over it But it's honestly every time I see a girl's handwriting it takes me back. I'm like, oh my god One time I was at this girl's apartment. We were like studying as a group, but she was like cute. But so like there were like five people there and whatever, we're just like going over our stuff. Like how are we going to present something?

And I looked and I saw like one of my homies planners and I was like, oh my God, bro, you actually fill this thing out. And the girl was like, homies planners and I was like, oh my God, bro, you actually fill this thing out. And the girl was like, that's mine. I was like, ah, dude, the handwriting was so like, it was like she was writing something down on a African safari. Like you ever write something down in a school bus and you're like, I can't do it. That was her handwriting.

And I, I like like I said it all like I had no I was so in shock that that was her handwriting I was like what the fuck that's yours I was like I hate you it was the most odd thing I've ever seen in my life like if that's your handwriting What's like the inside of your car look like Oh man My dad's handwriting is hilarious I'm like why are you even Like I can It's incredible My dad's handwriting looks like a lie detector test

All he writes down is like have a good day And it just looks like, if my dad wrote something down and put it like, uh, on the sidewalk or something in front of his house and then left for a week, they'd be like, Satan took this man and left the note. Like in some dads use,

like they know some dads know their handwriting's bad. So they use all caps. They're like, yeah, let's just no more. Let's just go all one level. We got it. Everybody knows caps.

All right. Let's not even, let's not even confuse ourselves, dude. My dad still, of course has to do it the most old way. He writes in cursive. Like, 100% duh.

Like, if my dad would write anything, it'd be in cursive. Like, old English. It probably is old English. He's like, I need the oldest thing. God. It's like scripture. My dad like writes with one of those like feathers.

I'm at his house and I'm like, yo dad! And he like doesn't answer. I'm like, oh he must have left. I go downstairs and on the counter there's just like a scroll. He's like, I, Joseph. I'm like, oh, he must have left. I go downstairs and on the counter, there's just like a scroll. He's like, I, Joseph. I, Joseph, am off on a journey

to the village to pick up produce for the coming weeks and months. We must nourish ourselves. Goodbye, loved one. Yours truly. P.S.

Please start rubbing six together for stew tonight. God! Dude, my dad's so old. My dad's so old My dad's so old he was in the bible He's not that old Honestly my dad could be like literally 46 Or like 9000 BC My dad's so like old school though

He still tucks his shirt in Does anyone know anyone that Tucks their shirt in Still Dude my dad could Change a tire on a car and his shirt Would still be tucked in the whole time Oh my god

He's like on a skateboard under the car he's like almost got it black marks over his face oh god pants all ripped up shredded from the boot cut up, faces all bloody, sleeves rolled up, belt fastened, shirt, no wrinkles, tucked straight down like a military sergeant. Left, right, right, right, right, right. My dad used to make me tuck my shirt in when I was a kid? I was like, yes, sir. Yes, sir. Aye, aye, captain.

Yes, sir. Aye, aye. Tid hut. Then I literally like leave the house to go to the movies. Like it would always be in the worst situations. I'd be like, finally, I can like go be cool. And he'd be like, hey, put your raincoat on, tuck your shirt in. I'd be like, finally, I can like go be cool. And he'd be like, hey, put your raincoat on, took your shirt in. I'd be like, what the?

I'm going to the, I'm going to a skating party, dad. He's like, oh, well then wear your knee pads. I'm like, God. That is so fraud. Hmm. All right. Hashtag one word to ruin a sentence. One word to ruin a sentence one word to ruin a sentence

honestly anything my dad says I've got a twitter draft of like some things he really messed up I should just make this a weekly segment shit my dad said wrong me talking about my dad and like explaining the things he says wrong is like the most requested thing i do on this podcast every time i talk about it pisses me off but every time i see somebody and they're like podcast is

dope bro did your dad say anything weird this week? What's up, man? Long time no see. Did your dad say anything weird this week? Like, actually, yeah. I don't even know that guy. Honestly, I don't know why. It is so ridiculous, though. I hate it! But all right, here we go.

Here's a Twitter draft I have. Was in the car with my dad for 10 minutes. And here are the words he said wrong. Okay, instead of root beer, he said rut beer. That'll ruin my day, dude. One word. What's for din tonight, B? He'll call dinner din.

I'm already out of the conversation. I'll be like, I don't know. Oh, God. Like kind of throwing up. He's like, I know we're having dessert for dessert. And I'm like, my interest peaks again. And I'm like, what's up? And he's like, rut beer floats.

At that point, I'm already gone. The chair's swiveling. Still in there? Was in the car with my dad for 10 minutes. Here's another word he said wrong. Instead of potatoes, potatoes. Why do they have to get so loose with it? Dude at the main chef at the restaurant I work at,

one mashed potato. I'm like, I guess it's not that weird, but just like potatoes, you know? Potatoes. That's like a Drake word. Potato. Arcata. Macheta. It's like a Drake word Potato Arcada Machada Alada

Drake can say anything he wants in songs As long as he says this after Yeah Went to my girl's crib And I was like, yo, I'm hungry. And she said, we'll eat a little later. I was like, come on, girl. What's the rush? She's like, I got to stir the mashed potatoes.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. I saw shorty outside at the neighbor's. Yeah. She's like, boy, what you doing? I was like, I'm about to watch the Lakers. She's like, I can't hear you boo.

Say a little louder for the haters. And I was like, yo, just text me. You're not going to be able to hear me because we outside and it's summertime. And there's cicadas. Yup. Yup. God. Okay, here's another thing my dad said wrong.

Instead of sunroof, this is all in 10 minutes. Instead of sunroof, sunruff. Why? I just want to be like, spell it. After everything he says wrong, spell it. All right.

And then instead of headphones, this is what he did. Because I'd be in the car and be like Yo can we change it Cause he'd be like honestly He'll pick me up or something or I'll like meet him at his car And he'll just be blasting like Tom Petty loud as shit And I'm like oh can you Like there's people around And we're getting ready to like are you showing off

And I won't Back down And I stand and I won't back down. And I stand my ground. Like, Dad, dude, you're parked outside a brew burger. I'm like, why don't you just listen to some talk radio, like low, so it's just on but not on. on he's like if you want to listen to what you want to listen to put in your headsets i was like ah god i just opened the door and roll

out of the car on 465 into a ditch then i'm like hey will you come pick me back up? I'm sorry. All right, all right, all right. Hashtag awkward ways to flirt. Ooh. Okay. Awkward ways to flirt. I think it's weird that people in general are just mean to people they like, it's the best way to do it. Why is that the best way? Like if someone's really nice to you and attractive, you're like, Oh, that girl's really nice. But if someone's

like mean to you and attractive, you're like, I love that bitch. I hate myself. What is what is that i don't get that like punch me in the arm fuck me up you like me don't make me cookies pinch my ass hurt me weird i think everything i do is just kind of awkward i'll be like rehearsing lines and shit i want to say to a girl, like pacing around. What if I said this? What if I said this? What if I said this? Then it's like the moment's there and I'm always just like, I don't know. Then I walk away real fast.

Trying to think of the most awkward thing I've ever done to flirt. That's weird. I'm just like thinking of girls in my head that I used to like And like what do I do Awkward ways to flirt You ever met somebody that's just like way too good at flirting And you're like damn Some people are so good at flirting It just comes off as like

It's like a power You know Like if a girl like touches my arm I'm like a power you know like if a girl like touches my arm I'm like what do you need me to do for you you can you can literally control me I swear to god if a girl looks at me this one girl I swear to god she made the best eye contact of all time and I was like she can see my thoughts devastating eye contact i was like stop looking at me like what do you want me to say i'll tell you whatever you want i'm such a bitch oh my god okay my awkward ways okay this is it this is it this is it this is it dude awkward ways to

flirt this is me a thousand percent this is so annoying like if i like actually like if i'm like if i'm like if i don't know what to do oh my god this sucks ah okay i'll be like i'll be like let me see your hand. She's like, why? And I'm like, just... Let me see. I bend like her middle...

I bend like her pinky finger in. She's like, what are you doing? And it's like. Al, oh my God. Are you cracking my knuckles? I'm like, no. That's his move. They're like, oh my God, Al, it kind of hurts.

I'm like, no, let me see if I can do it I'm like how come that one didn't hurt and that one did I'm done dude So stupid Oh my god not my thumb I'm like it's cool just chill i got this i've been doing this my whole life then i'm like look at my hand it looks like like an alien's hand from like that got broken like it got stepped on like 17 times and they're like um your hand looks like et's Your hand looks like E.T.'s.

Trust me, I know how to do it. I'm a professional. My pointer finger lights up at the end. They're like, um... Like, damn, you got game, bro. I'm like, yeah, I know. Dude, your girl's like a 10.

I'm like, I know. Like, how'd you pull that? I was like... Just popped her thumb Turn up Hashtag when my mom gets home I'm gonna change it Hashtag when my dad gets home Dude we used to be having the best time of my life

At my house Eating like spaghetti Obviously every night or chicken Spaghetti or chicken And Simpsons are on we're having a good time We're like you know drinking like fruit punch And stuff and then like we hear like the door And it's like

Oh shit Is that dad Cause he like never really knew when he was gonna come home So it was just like And it's like, and we're like, oh, shit. Is that dad? Because he, like, never really knew when he was going to come home. So it was just like, that's dad. Everybody just looked at each other and we're like, well, this night's over. That's such a bad vibe. Dude, when my dad came home, it was like the biggest, like, it was like the cops were there.

That sucks. No, for real. I'd be having like a good time, like watching The Simpsons, like drinking fruit punch. And then like, you know, when your principal like comes around your table, you start like at lunch, you start like cleaning shit up. You're like, oh, how you doing? You're like, make sure your shirt's tucked in. You're like looking at your friend's drink. Are we good?

Are we good? It's like when a cop is behind you when you're driving and you're like, fuck your shirt's tucked in You're like looking at your friend's shirt Are we good? Are we good? It's like when a cop is behind you When you're driving And you're like Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck I'm not doing anything wrong Am I? Fuck, fuck, fuck

Am I going? Did I? Did I? Did I get a new license plate? Like Shit Is my Damn

You start like checking That's what we did when my dad would come home We'd be like eating Like Like maybe music would be on we're just like telling stories and we'd hear the door handle and be like hey put that away put that hey change it change it change it we had like seven seconds between like him opening the door from the garage to him like opening the door to go through the laundry room to come in the house. So in those seven seconds, we like went upstairs, like made our beds, like cleaned the bathroom, like changed all the fruit punch in the cups to milk. And then like right when he walked in, looked at us,

we were all like praying at the table. Like floating with like halos and angel wings on. He'd be like, there's my kids. And he'd be like, I'm glad to see you guys are drinking your milk and eating your potatoes.

Then we'd scream and the whole entire house would blow up. Yeah, pretty much. All right. Hashtag reasons to end a relationship. Oh my god.

Don't get in one. But it's inevitable sometimes. You just ever like find yourself in a relationship you're like, well, here we are. Ooh, that sucks. Yeah, I don't think I've ever like I don't think i've ever like gotten into a relationship like on purpose it's always been like guess we're going out but is that is that kind of like i think that's like the most common thing you're never like will you go out with me i love you yes it always just like happens suddenly

and you're like wait a minute damn it like it never all of a sudden you're just like at her Thanksgiving like breaking her the wishbone with her uncle and you guys are like oh shit I mean that's never happened to me

Hashtag if Jesus returned Did I have a lot of questions for Jesus if he returned? I'd be like yo what did you do Like did you create guys and like Did you run out of time? I feel like God spent like two and a half hours on girls And was like there there. Yes. Beautiful.

Sexy. Yes. Hair. Yes. Curves. Oh, yes. Smooth. Sensitive.

Yes. It's great. Yeah. Oh, God. Attractive. Perfect. Ass. Understanding. And guys, he's like oh shit I only have one minute left

Um just uh Hair up top I guess You know just cover his ass and hair I don't know The angels are like we uh We've got a lot of extra hair back here You didn't use much for the girls And God is like just throw it all on them.

Throw it all on their backs, their asses. Put it all over the guys. And actually, when they turn like 25, make it run out on their head for some reason. It's like when God made guys, he just made them like a peanut butter and jelly. He was like, that's good. Just eat it. Oh, yeah. And actually, along with the hair, like when they lose hair on their head make them get it like in their ears i guess i don't know it's fine it doesn't matter whatever it's not like one of them's gonna ruin humanity anyway for real kayla's do days real quick.

Friday. National Wildlife Day. Man, I always wanted that wildlife magazine when I was a kid. Why is it so interesting to look at animals when you're a kid? Animals were cool for me. Because they're just pretty much like aliens. But I could look at a goddamn tractor. I wonder if that's like a weird, like special thing. Dude, I could look at a tractor, throw some dirt around for, I could do it right now.

I could do it for five hours straight and just be like, Benny, are you okay? I'm like Benny are you okay? I'm like is he okay? Is he sleeping with his eyes open? Oh my god is he in shock?

He's not breathing. Check his pulse. Oh my god his pulse is. Oh my god, his pulse is... Oh my god, his heart's racing. Wait, what's he... What's he looking at out the window? Oh my god, it's a cement mixer?

Jesus Christ. I'm like drooling all over the... It's a cement mixer. He did this last week. The same thing, only he's a freaking bulldozer he's looking at. Dude, you show me. Oh, my God. Dude, a crane?

Seriously. I know this is like the most kid thing, but like, have you ever looked at a crane and just been like, how the fuck? Like, how do they do it? How does it get that, like... The Egyptians built the crane. All right. National Newspaper Carrier Day. I saw a newspaper on somebody's front porch the other day and I was like, so what was a Titanic like when you're on it? So you got off on the raft then. That's good. Congrats.

How was being in the Bible? National macadamia nut day. I've never enjoyed those cookies. I think people honestly like it because of the name. Like, because they can say the name. What's your favorite cookie, Macadamia? It's like, shut the fuck up. Macadamia. Just because you like saying that word doesn't mean it's your favorite cookie. Like, every time I make fun of something so hard like this,

it's because secretly deep down I love that goddamn cookie. God! Saturday. National Cheese Pizza Day. God, I love cheese pizza. Woo! Thank you, cheese pizza. For everything you've done my whole entire life.

So perfect. Just simple. Just so goddamn good. I mean, it's alright. National Be Late for Something Day. Wow, that's a day? That's my life, bitch. National Tailgating Day. It's fun.

Actually, I prefer that. Whenever we're tailgating for a game, I lost 100% interest in the game. I was like, this is so much better. I don't want to be controlled in a place. World beard day. Beard. World beard day. I kind of like am rocking A 5 o'clock shadow

Permanently And I used to Hate that But now I'm rocking That thing like I don't know if it looks good But I'm just doing it anyway

Looks like my face is dirty And my I hate my facial hair pattern It's like literally Only around my chin I'm like Hey What's going on

Do you dip your chin In chocolate And my chin. I'm like, hi, what's going on? Do you dip your chin in chocolate and come to work? I'm like, um, actually I might've. Sunday National Read a Book Day. I really need to, am I ever going to do it? Probably not. I can't. When I'm reading a book, I'm just thinking about all the other things i should be doing maybe that's how i should remember like what i need to do for a day just start

reading a book and i'll be like oh yeah i need to do this all this other shit okay it was good but i couldn't finish it she rocking Okay. Shot 122. Weirdest hookup stories. Oh my God, that was a good shot. Thanks for listening. Kayla and Devin, thanks for coming on. That was dope. They slid in for Late Night Express and turned it up a little bit.

So, all right. Remember to follow on Cameo, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram at Benedict Polizzi. All right, remember to follow on Cameo, TikTok, Twitter, Instagram, at Benedict Polizzi. Espresso Podcast is now on Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Remember, subscribe, rate, review. That stuff seriously helps. So hook it up.

Okay. I'll talk to you guys next week. I fam. Yes, hello. I was wondering if you could play that song again. Which one, man? The one that goes...