Espresso - weirdest turn-ons

Episode Date: September 16, 2020

girls vs. guys chewing gum | how to wear a button down | my voice never changed in puberty | what's your type? "wounded guys"

this is me ripping the flute in music class growing up i need everyone to get out your instruments that's our weird music teacher in fifth grade that was like the largest man in the world. Get out your instruments, everyone. Everybody pulls out their flutes and their little cases. And then I suddenly just all of a sudden stand up and I'm like. Oh, my God, what's he doing? And some kid in the back starts banging on the desk with their pencil in their hand.

You know how everybody used to do that? I can't do it right now, but you know what I mean? Like, it's always that one kid that could, like, lay down that beat. He's doing that in the back. Everybody starts nodding their head like ducks when they walk. Everybody in the whole class, except for I'm up gyrating, playing the flute, and the kid in the back's banging on the desk with his pencils. Then the music teacher's like, hey!

Everybody stops and he goes, Mr. Ben, because he doesn't know my last name, or he doesn't know how to say it right. He goes, Mr. Ben, do I need to make a blueberry pancake out of you? And yeah, he used to say that. And that's not okay. Because he's the largest man in the world. All right, what's up, fam? Shot 124, we got a hot show.

Yeah, remember to follow on Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, Cameo. Got some hot cameos coming in from Johnson. So, yeah, sign up. Go to Cameo, get the app, search for Benedict Palsy. Yeah, I'll hook it up for you. Whatever you want. So let's do this. I put out a little video that was like, what's your weirdest turn on?

Because everybody has one. Okay, here we go. First one of the day. Jill Reed. Weird turn ons ons backwards hats is that a thing I think guys hate when other guys

wear backwards hats and I think girls like it there's some like dads honestly there's some dads that will like like one time I went over to my friend's house and his dad was real like military and I was wearing a backwards hat and he like pinned me up against the wall and was like in this house and like rip the hat across my head and put the bill in front. Like why?

But like people are like dudes are really weird about that. So that's disrespect Grow up Like dude, i'm not wearing my hat backwards for you. I'm wearing it for the chickies No, but seriously Backwards hats. They're a thing weird turn on Girls in hats. I like it when girls wear hats. Sometimes it's like whoa Like it like almost melts your heart as a guy

when you see like a girl that you see all the time and then one day she's just wearing a hat you're like oh why is it the cutest shit i've ever seen it is though sometimes but it's like every once in a while if a girl wears a hat too much just like yeah you don't do your hair we get it but like once like one out of every like 50 times you see them nah that's even too much probably like one out of every 200 you're like oh go cubs go okay next one Next one Hats Just hats

Glenn Fields My weirdest turn on is when someone finishes a soda they opened Nobody does Even when you finish it you still like pick up the can and shake it And it's still like Girls never finish drinks on the low Girls never finish drinks on the low Girls never finish anything Ugh

I do kinda I kinda hate when people like Eat a whole sandwich And then leave like Just the end of the bun I'm like just finish the whole deal It's weird I have to like

I have to complete everything Like I can't just I can't just like I tweeted this like Imagine Saving half of something And finishing it later It's never happened

But I don't know how people can do that Yeah I'm just gonna save this half for later If I do it If I like If I go to a restaurant save half of something Put it in a to go box And then like take it out of the restaurant it in a to-go box and then like take it out of the restaurant I'm like okay I did it and then I eat it on the way home

but I can't ever do that when someone finishes a soda they opened I think I like purpose purposely I swear to god I purposely trained myself to like leave a little bit of liquid in all my water bottles because there's been so many times where I finished all my water and then eaten something and then I'm choking in the car and then I'm like so I like trained myself to keep like a tiny bit of water in my water bottle so I don't die so I'd be choking in the car Did he die doing what he loved? Choking in the car on a muffin Did he die doing what he loved?

Actually, yeah Alright Shut up, dude See, this is I don't know I don't know Is this real? I think it's real

It's from Uncle Buck's house He's a comedian But like I don't know i don't know is this real i think it's real it's from uncle buck's house he's a comedian but like i don't think he'd joke about this i knew i was gonna get something like this when hot girls fart that is not a turn on dude if a hot girl did that, I'd be like, so is someone hiding in here? Who's hiding under the table? Who's in the closet? There's a killer in this house. We got to leave. That's never happened in the history of the world.

That's never happened in the history of hot girls. It's like hot girl code. We, number one rule in a a big like college like amphitheater we don't and then at the end like 700 of the hot girls are like far they all say it together yes yes yes uh-huh then the teacher's like okay now uh let's go tanning. Class is over. Hot girls have to chew gum like that. Wet. Right after a girl dyes her hair for the first time. Right when she puts gum in her mouth. Thanks. Folds it. Puts it in. If you don't fold gum, if you're taking a stick of gum, like an old school stick of gum, not like an Orbit like little bitch, like an old school stick of gum, not like an Orbit little bitch, like an old school juicy fruit, like a stick, and you don't fold it and then put it in, are you even hot?

Like imagine just slapping a piece of gum, like a long stick of gum on your tongue, like a real, like, like you'd be like, oh, ready for algebra. Y equals MX plus juicy fruit. Y equals MX plus big red. Find the slope for double mint. God damn it. Okay. I'm going to impress my crush in algebra.

Slaps it right on his tongue. No, you fold it. You fold it and just lay it on there. If you don't fold gum and then put it on your tongue, are you even sexy? and then put it on your tongue, are you even sexy? If you don't fold gum and put it on your tongue, have you ever done it?

Late night surprise. Okay, what were we talking about? When hot chicks fart. What do you want me to do? Can you just... Say it. Do you mind if you eat all those raisins as fast as possible and just sit here all day? Okay. Yeah, that's never happened.

If a hot chick ever farts, I seriously am like, there's a murderer in this house. We need to leave immediately we leave and on the way out when it's all loud and we're knocking over stuff she's just like let's go oh my god you're so right oh my god watch out you could be in there it might be in the shower don't open the shower curtain uh let's get out of here and we leave the house and she's like, okay, let's, uh,

good tanning. God damn it. All right. Graves underscore fit. When guys are wearing a long sleeve button down and the cuffs are rolled up to their forearms, it's chef's kiss see I thought that was cool as shit to do that to roll your button-up sleeves up I was like the king of that shit every time I had like a long-sleeve shirt like it didn't even like my shirts my shirts when I when you like take them out of the dryer they're already

rolled up they weren't even straight they're already like bunched up and then I think I did it too much and it got really like there's Ben again with the fucking rolled up sleeves bro yes I think I like burnt it out now I'm like I don't want to be sleeve roll-up guy. We get it, Popeye. Okay, Popeye. We see him. Nah, I do it every time still. Still gonna do. Always sleeve roll-up guy.

Instead of Taco Bell, instead of cheese roll-ups. Hey, excuse me. Can I have one sleeve roll-up? That's me. Every time I'm putting on a button-up shirt, I got a Taco Bell, and I'm like, can I have two sleeve roll-ups? And I go to the drive-thru window, and they're like, here we go, here we go. Other one.

All right, have a good one. Do you want any sauce with that? Yeah, it's just, I don't know why that is it just seems like it seems like a button-up shirt covers too much you know i don't like i never know what to do with my top button on a button-up shirt i'm like do i is it just the top one i need undone it's either like all the way up buttoned or like i think two unbuttoned and then i'm damn, does it look like I'm going to a casino right now? Any chest hair coming out of any button down shirt, I'm just like, you need to play Blackjack now. What's the game with the ball that rolls around the thing?

Right when they unbutton the second button. That's the ball going around. Roulette, that's what it is, roulette. All right, honey, I'm putting on my button down for church. Second button. Anyway, this is, every time I put on a button down shirt And I have a little bit of chest hair And like I have like a A chain on

Right, okay So you got the chest hair popping You got the necklace on It looks like you should be at a casino Right when you roll Right when you start to roll up The left cuff on your sleeve. Right when you fold it. Then the other arm.

And he's so singing it. Do-do-motherfucking-do-do. I gotta take my dog outside to use the restroom. I gotta take my dog outside to use the restroom. And he's gonna do-do-do-do-do-do. They're rolled up. They're both completely rolled up at this point. And you're looking in the mirror, like your full-length mirror on the back of your bathroom door.

And you're like doing this little, like, you do a spin and point at the mirror. But you don't realize that the door's kind of open a little bit. And there's a crack. And your wife's watching you the whole time okay dude i'm done i'm done i podcast. All right, here we go. Zoe M. Hawkins. When he returns the grocery cart. Weirdest turn-ons when he returns the grocery cart. Dude, I look like the biggest jackass when I return the grocery cart.

Like, why do I have to kick so hard when I return the grocery cart? I'm like... Why are my feet How does your man return the grocery cart Like there needs to be a class on that Cause when I return the grocery cart I'm like Time to go insane Dude I'd grab that

Dude I run so fast to the cart corral i'm six by the way i run so fast i'll never not do this i'll never not do this when am i gonna know i'm grown up when i stop bowling the grocery cart into the cart corral and knocking all the other carts all over the fucking place dude as fast as i can i will build up so much speed on the way there imagine that oh i love when he returns a grocery cart to the cart corral i'm like one of the wheels is like moving off like of my face is straight like determination god damn it it. The girl's like, oh, that's so sexy.

And then just, dude, I let it rip so. And like 98% of the time, it doesn't go in the right or the left like entry for the carts. It just fucking sticks it right in the middle. It just hits one of the posts. And I'm like, and then it's's this again right when it hits the middle rail and then it's just another chance for me to start over so i'd fucking wheel it back out i'm like hold on but you miss so you got to turn around get like five steps of speed and then you just and one time i did it and it just went right into the back of the last cart.

And I was like, hmm. I looked at like the cart caddy guy that like surveys the parking lot with that weird cart machine. And I was like, watch your job, all right? Watch your job. You think you're king of this parking lot? Watch your fucking job. Yeah. You think you're king of this parking lot? Watch your fucking job And he's like oh my god wait Is that that guy? And the other car guy's like what

Oh my god that is that guy And they're both like whispering to each other Did you see it? Did you see it? He has one on he has one on he has one on did you see it does he have one yeah look he has one on they both look and i have a button down shirt on with my sleeves rolled up as i walk back to the car The girl in the car is like Oh

Babe It's good tanning Okay That's gonna be We're gonna keep that music going the whole time He gets hit for copyright every time this is the espresso podcast okay emily molinaro armpit hair no the armpit hair is my weirdest turn off, dude.

Who put the tarantula under both your arms? I hate armpit hair. Armpit hair. Do girls like armpit hair? Because I've been doing it way wrong. Every time I even see my armpit hair, I'm like... I swear to God, I shaved my armpits for like six years until everybody else had armpit hair. And I was like, okay, time to let it all go.

Like, people have tough lives. Imagine having armpit hair in third grade. At a pool party. Is that a monster party is that a monster is that a mommy is that a monster no that's just the boy that hit puberty when he was four years old i'm like how you doing my voice is all cracky that's one thing that never happened to me in puberty though my voice i never got scratchy voice and i never got cracky voice i never had like that you know when you're a kid's voice to change it and they're like i don't know yeah mom mom can you help me with my homework i never got that i low-key wanted it though because it doesn't sound like that but that scratchy voice sexy as fuck they're always like yeah i don't know i just like why i don't know i just like forgot my homework and the teacher was like oh

you're fine this time just remember next time okay nah i just have cracky voice like for the rest of my life like damn and i always blame it on like i just had sunflower seeds like i just say some shit like that in my head that makes me feel good but low-key on the inside i know i didn't have a period of cracky voice when i was going through puberty so now i just have it forever it's always the biggest deal when somebody's voice cracks, you know, when you're like just saying something and your voice cracks, like it's like a hundred percent guaranteed. I put money on it every time that somebody's like, Oh, like, I don't think you even have your armpit hair. Armpit hair. I don't know. It's good to know though. It's good to know that there's somebody

out there that likes armpit hair. Now I don't have to feel like complete shit when I don't shave my armpits every two hours. Dude, if I go like one month without trimming my armpit hair, I'm like, oh my God, I can't go out today. They're like, Ben, it's 20 degrees. I'm like, where's my hoodie? Okay. All right, here we go, here we go, here we go. What else we got? Kearney's modern life when um when my girl lint rolls her leggings yeah every how come like every

girl with like that type of clothing like clothes that just attract a whole bunch of shit. Always has like four cats too. Okay. Brett Forte. Probably the funniest comedian I actually know. He's from Canada. He's so funny. He's going to like yield, like in a couple of years, he'll be like, that's that Brett dude.

Like he's funny. All right. Weird turn-ons. My girl said, why are you getting an iced coffee? Just get a coffee and a cup of ice on the side 30 cents cheaper yeah when a girl like says some like real shit to you and you're like oh wow she's like actually trying to help you you're like wow like because that's the only like the only time a guy gets advice without being scolded for it is from is when it's from a girl like if your guy friend is like bro just get the coffee and

then get ice on the side idiot ha ha dumb ass you're like oh but when a girl says it she's like yeah for sure just helping you out it's like the sweetest shit of all time you're like after a girl tells you that you can save money by getting a normal coffee and getting a cup of ice on the side and it's 30 cents cheaper. All that in like a 7-Eleven. Not like anything she's ever said before, but just because you're tired. This is another one. Also, if her tit falls out of her nightie when she's sleeping, she's getting it in the morning. Okay, dude.

You went from like the most innocent tip to the most innocent tit. Brett Forte, follow him on Instagram. B-R-E-T-T-F-O-R-T-E. He's from Canada. And obviously he's from Canada because he said nightie. Who calls that? But I guess we call them jammies.

So they're actually right. Brett Forte, you're right. You're right. You're right. We're wrong. I'm falling in love. That song hits. The most copyrighted podcast of all time.

The Espresso Podcast. Okay. We want more. More. More weird turn-ons. More. From Men in Black. The first Men in Black.

More. Phone's gonna die, don't care. Okay. All right. This is Anne-Marie Polizzi. I don't know who the hell that is, but it's weird she has the same name as me. She went with stuff that's not about a person, but everyday turn-ons. She goes, throwing away your contacts at the end of the night

because you're opening a new pair the next morning yes that is a turn on that is you ever just so tired i change my contacts out to like the new ones like once every 17 years so you know and then when you go to the eye doctor they're like how often do you change your contacts like you're at well how often do you put new contacts in I know you take them out every night but how often do you rip open a new package and put them in your eye and I'm like um honestly like whenever my family goes to cedar point and that was like seven years ago like anytime I'm doing anything new and exciting I'm like I need new contacts for this it's not like a routine thing They're like you're supposed to do it every

Seven days And I'm like oh really damn Last time I did it was when My family went to Florida in fourth grade So But no when you like Dude sometimes I'll space it I've had contacts since fifth grade.

Fifth grade. And there's still nights where I get in bed and I'm like, what a day, what a day, what a day. Fuck, my contacts are still in. I have to get up and do that. I've had contacts for 17 years. that i've had contacts for 17 years but like sometimes at that point like when you're when you're when you know you're like you know what i'm due to like change them out like i i need to change them out like to an actual new pair you just rip them out of your eyes while you're laying

in bed and throw them in the middle of your floor right when right when you dig into your eye and take the contact off your eye and flick it flick it right when it hits the carpet damn i just talked i just like literally after i played that song i just talked about something for 10 minutes and didn't record it. All right. So back to Anne-Marie. She goes, when you have to mail something and don't know where your stamps are, but then see that there's, this is such a my sister thing. Dude, my sister, when she grew up, she was, dude, my sister is so into the mail. We would, dude, every single day when we were growing up,

my sister would literally run out to the mailbox. Like there was something in there for her every time. There was never something in there for her. Like two magazines we never read and like some weird envelope from like the power company. And she'd be like, got the mail. My sister's obsessed with the mail. She goes, when you have to mail something and you don't know where your stamps are but then see that there's an envelope included with postage paid it's like the lamest turn on oh my god i still don't trust it when it says postage paid I'm like uh I don't know every time I have to

mail something I literally take it to the mail place and I'm like just get this here please and they're like okay um dude I swear to god I I like every time I have to fill out an envelope I literally have to go on google I'm like how to send a letter and go to images and I'm like okay yeah that's it I never know which like which corner the stamp should go in like i never like i feel like if i mess one thing up they're like no it's not going anywhere like the male king like sits in a throne he's just like nope didn't put the stamps in the right corner just throws it in a burning pile of trash. Anyway. Okay, Stacey. Stacey Clenny.

She said, weirdest turn-ons. Guys joggers with nice ass and glasses. It looks like it's her Christmas list. Guys joggers in parentheses with nice ass and glasses. Christmas 2020.

Guys joggers. That's literally, those two things were literally on my Christmas list last year. Guys joggers with nice ass and glasses. Yeah, we can get you two of the three. Oh, God, John's in here Okay Yeah glasses though Glasses across the board

Guys and girls Isn't it funny how like glasses Are like the biggest Like this is This is a Joey Joey Molnero Always says this

He's like dude How about glasses when you're a kid What's up four eyes Glasses Now you're like What are you doing tonight glasses what was the thing that was like super oh a hat if a girl wears glasses and a hat are you in disguise or are you the love of my life she stands up and she has leggings on with

cat hair all over i'm I'm like, God! She looks at me and she's like, let's get tanning. And I'm like, okay. Weirdest turn-ons? The Mad Stalker says proper grammar. You ever think you like somebody, then you start messaging them and they can't talk? You're like, what? Or they spell something wrong and you're just like hmm instant deal breaker i always give them the benefit of

the doubt i'm like oh it's just texting and they're probably going fast and they do it again and i'm like hmm i can't all right here we, here we go. I really... Mad Mont. I really love a good mustache. Girls like guys with mustaches? I've actually seen that. Like, girls like guys with mustaches. What is that?

Sometimes girls like all the shit. I'm like, why would any girl like that mustaches when I shaved my beard into a goatee and I was like who am I one girl's like it'd be good if you shaved it into a mustache I was like what isn't it worse a mustache dude guys that have mustaches that are like not a 64 year old head coach of a fourth grade football team i'm like what are you doing younger guys with mustaches i'm like what are you trying to sell me when someone out sarcasms me this This is Christina Garcia.

She goes, weird turn-ons. When someone out-sarcasms me. Guaranteed turn-on. There's something so sexy about coming across someone who's just a little bit more of a comedic asshole than you are. Yeah. Yeah, when somebody, like, gets you. That gets me, too. When somebody, like, when you're all being all funny and shit funny and shit and somebody says something and you're like, oh.

It's like deeper funny than you were going and you're like, holy shit. Yeah, I get that. That's good. I was like, how did you even think of that? That was pretty good. Chewing gum. No way! No way! Jake Martin, 121517.

Jesus Christ, bro. He really, like, went with the name that they suggested after his name was taken. You know, you put a name, like, in an app that you want, and they're like, that's taken, but you can have jake martin one two one five one seven and you're always like why the hell would i pick that he was like that sounds good but jake martin says weird turn on chewing gum that's kind of true though when girls chew gum like soft when they're like what's up they know too girls know i hate that i hate that when when a girl chews gum she knows it's hot there's not there's never been one girl that's been like

and not thought it was so hot what's up well when girls chew gum they think they're hot when guys chew gum they always think they have something good to say they're like i know all right so let me i got this uh invention i got this new app idea it's like uber but it's for seriously listen to this it's like uber they always have like way too much energy and they always have sunglasses on. All right. This app idea. It's like Uber, but literally listen, it's like Uber, but it's for breadsticks. Right. Cause everybody loves breadsticks, but the app is only activated after midnight on the

weekends right he's talking to a girl and she's like where let's get tanning oh my god okay Here we go. Felix Bloom, weirdest turn-ons. Chicks in white collared shirts. Oversized white collared shirts. I love this. Like, who thinks that? Chicks in white oversized collared shirts. There's no way this is fake because that's too specific. Hey, babe babe what should

i wear he's like um um i'm just trying to think off the top of my head you got any uh you have any uh collared shirts she's like yeah that's weird he's like that are white and she's like um what does it have to be white? He's like, that or 3X? She's like, oh, I'm sorry. Just whatever you think, honey. You always look good. All right.

G. Brett for life. Weirdest turn-ons. Ankle socks. Love when you can see the sock barely pop over the shoe. I love this. I love this. Like when you, and then like I'm thinking about it now and I do like that too. Maybe it's not, maybe it's not socks.

Maybe it's just like, like a good ankle. You ever see somebody with good ankles? You're like, yeah. Okay. Just me. Maybe it's not socks. Maybe it's just like a good ankle. You ever see somebody with good ankles? You're like, yeah. Okay, just me? Good ankles, man. Good ankles. Like you can see the back, you know?

It's like you can see like their Achilles. You're like, oh, nice. Played a sport. I saw some dude running today. It isn't funny like when you see somebody running, you're just like you can automatically tell if they've ever played a sport. You're like, this guy was running like he was treading water. I was like, what? It looked like me running with a shopping cart.

That's how he was running. Okay. It's cheesy. Weirdest turn-ons. This is so funny. W's cheesy. Weirdest turn-ons. This is so funny. Wounded men. Wounded men. You pull up on crutches and I'm crushing.

Dude. Just get, like, how do you impress, impress like imagine the guy that's trying to impress this person it's cheesy just hey babe I'm gonna I'm gonna go out here and grill something you run right into the screen door she's like oh

are you okay wounded men She's like, oh! Are you okay? Wounded men. Wounded men. I like my guys. I like my guys with bruised ribs. How do I like my guys? What's your type?

What's your type? Wounded men. Ask a girl what her type is. What's your type? I like my guys with bruised ribs. That is a weird thing though. Girls do like when guys are like beat the fuck up. That's so stupid. Okay, one time I got handcuffed.

This is so stupid. One time I got handcuffed. And I was like, damn, this is going to suck. Like I like this girl and it's gonna like ruin everything she's gonna think I'm like a piece of shit and like I was like I was like down about it I was like my family thinks I'm an idiot like and I went

to school the next day and like the handcuffs made like marks on my wrists and the girl was like oh that's hot and I was like oh my god what like that I had marks on my wrist and she's like it's kind of sexy i was like dude i just got my phone taken away till summer there's nothing hot about that oh my god your wrists are sexy and you can't text me back until July. All right. Dude, saw your stand up tonight and it was so fucking fire.

Keep up the good work, bro. Damn, that's so tight. That obviously wasn't like a weird turn on. What if it was? But thanks, man. Twavis 51. Okay, that's it for weirdest turn ons maybe we can do some other stuff real fast then we'll peace okay let's go viral real quick viral hashtag my dreams will come true when

dude my dreams never I don't think my dreams ever mean anything I've had like one dream that's like that that like had like a like a meaning that was like subliminal and i'm like wow but every other dream i have is just like okay yeah this is uh this girl i'm like sitting in a car with for no reason and her head's a cantaloupe But it's fine And I think we're gonna get in trouble somehow Like something Like I'll have a dream

And like something Something good will be happening But At the same time I'll have like a paper due in two hours That's like every single one of my dreams Okay low key I'm in the studio

And it's really late And I keep hearing weird stuff. So, ah! That's gonna be it for this week. Dude, I'm really about to run out of this building. There's like cold air behind me. Ah! Okay, that's shot

124. Thanks for replying to that weirdest turn on story Wounded men But yeah that was cool I'll have another question next week I think I already know what it is

So remember to follow on Instagram Twitter TikTok Cameo All at Benedict Polizzi Hey merch coming soon. Remember to follow, rate, review, subscribe on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

But okay. I'll talk to you guys next week. I'm scared as shit. All right, fam. Outro Music