Espresso - what are u asking at the gates of heaven?

Episode Date: February 20, 2026

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I googled best gifts to give my groomsmen. And the top answers that came up were for things like lighters, whiskey, and pocket knives. Which I just need my groomsman to stand up at an altar, not kill a rival gang leader. Hey, Mr. DJ, put a record on. I want to dance with my baby. Oh, those things on. Stresso podcast shot 407. I'm your girlfriend, Benny,

who looks like he just got a CD player installed in the back of his head. Whoops. I want to scratch it. So bad. Hey, watch me on F Boy Island and F Girl Island on HBO Max. Wait, like, why are you so awkward on that show?

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Oh, God. And there's like, we got Indiana land with the state. I mean, we got everything on that side. Let's get into it. Espresso, quack, quok, quok, quoth. Question of the week. What are you asking at the gates of heaven? You got one chance.

You got one thing you can ask. die? What'll it be, babe? Huh? One question. And it doesn't have to be deep. Why would it be? That's the least, that's the thing I'm not worried about at all. I'm at the gates. There's a big line behind me. I'm with the homies. Bro, I'm just, I'm just going off the hip. Guns blazing. child what would you like me to answer for you me uh low key how come air drop doesn't work a lot

that's the question you want to ask uh damn yeah you don't want to know how your grandparents are doing how your loved ones that have passed away are doing how your dog is doing would you like to see him again no actually

Nah, I'm good But why'd the Pistons pick Darko Milichich Instead of Carmelo Anthony that one year That, man That's what I want to know Wide Circuit City go out of business What happened to my toe? I want to know the real...

What happened to my toe? What happened to my toe? You don't want to know the reason that your family was broken at a young... No, what happened to my toe? Was that broken?

You kicked a brick wall when you were six. Okay. All right. That's all. That's what I'm in it for, man. Let's hear yours. What are you asking at the gates, babe? Am I too early for the Judy Garland concert?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Am I too early for the Judy Garland concert? 2D Garland is what I heard, and I know everybody heard something else, but I don't know anything about anything. 2D Garland. 2D. 2D. 2D.

I feel stupid. Am I too early for the Judy Garland concert? I can't hear anything. I can't hear anything. Just take my life. My question to the Lord would be in Super Bowl 43. Did San Antonio Holmes actually have two feet down? I swear to God.

Triamping the Steelers over the Cardinals. Because. only the Lord knows the answer to that question. And the answer better be no. He only had one foot down. I swear. Or I'm going downstairs to the fiery pits. I'll take my answer off the air.

Yo. A. Hot take? Real take? I don't think he did. I don't think he did. But like, in the replay, like... Okay, no, he got one foot down in the replay for sure.

But I think he got pushed out before that second one hit. because he didn't get up like he just won the game. I've been in a situation where in a real game, I went to dive for a ball. It clearly hit the ground. And I acted like it didn't. And the ref, the ref bought it.

I was like, I hit the ground. No, he saw that. Hey, fake it until you make it. I don't think you got two feet down. I just done. There's no way, Doug. So my question is how many F-boys.

are up here. And do they have special wings so we can stay away from them? Because look, we're not doing what we did on earth up here in heaven together. Okay? Old ratchet section of heaven? There's definitely all F boys go to heaven.

Look, everybody's had that little portion of their life where they're kind of a piece of. Kind of a... You got to learn, baby. How are you going to know if you don't do it? How are you going to know if you don't know? Experience, man. Seniors stand up.

Everybody's had a little F-boy in them at some point. And you can't tell me you haven't. And if you say you haven't, that means you're the biggest one of all time. You live and you learn, babe. Like, okay, I never had a ho phase. Okay. What are we really talking about here?

Yeah, you did. You're just ashamed to admit it. now you're up there unless you're a real piece of trash you know what I mean unless you're like a serial like cheat guy I don't know how F boys find the time that's what I'm caught up on like everybody does their F boy thing but like

yo how do you talk to so many girls I can't even talk to one who's got the time you got to be kind of a loser I promise you're a player Okay You gotta be

You gotta be You gotta have no job And you gotta be so smart I'll say the same thing To a girl 95 times in a row Like oh my God Can you imagine talking to three girls At one time

Keeping the stories straight Have I said that? Did I say that? Have I already said that? Did I tell her that? Bro. Oh my God how do you do it

maybe I'm overcomplicating it but Jesus Christ and like how do you not feel guilty you know how do like not even dating anyone seriously and talking to two different girls I'm like this is absolute who am I

what do I stand for I can't do it I can't do it and I'm like imagine if they knew you know I mean yeah I've talked to two girls at one time but I'm like I can't imagine if they knew they'd be so disappointed in me.

Not even affiliated with them at all. Not even dating. I don't know how you do it. Does comfort and ease breed only ignorance and acceleration of novelty or can a society crave, create access to ease and convenience

without forfeiting morals and virtue. So anyway, I just want to know why women squirt. I knew. Dude, I lost faith in it so many times. I'm like, I hope he does some. Can we start leaving all the voice messages like that? Where you're like, what?

And then it's at the end. It's time for prank voice messages. I don't know. Can I be real real quick? It's just pee. And we know. that. We know, that's not, that's not breaking news. We knew. We know. Because I've been in a situation and I'm like, there's no way. There's no way. This is that. There's no way. And I'm like,

I remember asking the girl, what is going on? And she looked me dead in the eyes and she goes, I think I just peed. And I'm like, there it is. there it is while I'm in a laundry room you know you're in the weirdest place when anything happens what are we doing in here can hear birds chirping

we're in an apartment made for one person 17 people in there I'm in a laundry room you just peed all over my hand I love you I love you I ask why

like humans are you tell love people that, like, we'll never love them. Because it puts us to, like, so much mental pain and, like, suffering. It's kind of thing. I don't know. I would definitely have it quite. Anything about, like, love and mind, like, how it works, you know, but it's a pretty interesting question. Oh, I forgot to address at the beginning of the podcast that I let all the mice leave voice messages this week.

And this must be one of them. This must be this must be one of the gerbils I contacted. I don't know. I'm not. Like, you know,

we'll never love them back. Because it touches us to, like, so much mental pain and, like, suffering. I don't know. I would definitely have

to be like that. Anything about, like, love and why, like, how it works and all that. It's pretty interesting questions. Yeah.

I think, um, they asked where their house was, and there's just a little hole in the baseball normally. And I mean, usually I think there's cheese in there. What we used to do is we put crackers with peanut butter on them because we didn't know if you guys like cheese or not. And a lot of times we didn't have cheese when we were trying to feed you guys.

So if you really want to know, yeah, we put crackers and peanut butter on traps. And you guys are always in our laundry room. I think it's because it's warm in there. And we put them behind, like, our shoes and stuff like that. Because you guys went in our shoe. We'd put mousetraps with peanut butter in our shoes that we weren't wearing because we thought you, like, burrowed in there. Then they'd snap your heads and we'd throw you off.

We'd throw you in the dumpster. But, yeah, that's how we got you. Thanks for asking. If I was at the gates of heaven and I had one question, I'd probably pull up kind of like a reverse situation of like the troll under the bridge and I'd pull up and I'd be I'd be like

how much wood could have worked Chuck if it would chuck could chuck would and that would that would be my one question thank you then you end that with a type shit or I think God would be pretty cool about it you know like when I picture God

I just picture him like the realist dude like he's not up that like I think he's rolling his eyes a lot. You know, and I think he's up there with his homies. He's up there with all the saints that you like pray to for certain things,

you know? St. Anthony up there getting worked, dog. God's up there like, yo, St. Anthony, we need you again. He lost his phone. He's praying to you. St. Anthony's the guy you pray to

when you lose something. Bro, he works all hours of the day. St. Anthony up there grinding. St. Anthony up there. there like Jesus Christ. His wallet? I thought he air tech.

All right. Find this shit. I'm up there wearing St. Anthony out. Waring him out. Jesus. How do you lose crutches? He left him behind the door. He left him behind the door. He had another behind the door. All right. I guess we'll, I guess we'll play hot and cold again. But I think God's rolling his eyes a lot.

A dog. Because I used to pray, bro. I used to pray for some things that just weren't even acceptable. You ever just be wishing? You ever just like, God, I hope she likes me. I hope she, hey. Me, me every, every night, third through sixth grade. And dear Lord, please make Jessica Hadley think I'm hot.

I prayed to be shorter. God had to be like, you're so dumb, dog. Like, what if he was just, what if he was just doing it? Like, all right. He might have. I could be six, four right now, but I prayed every night for two years to be shorter because I wanted to be cuter standing next to my girlfriend. I swear to God, and she wasn't even my girlfriend.

I thought I was too much, too taller than her. And I was like, this just isn't, this doesn't look right, you know. Your girlfriend should be a head shorter than you. is like what I thought, the blueprint. She was way shorter than me. I was like, make me shorter. Not even make her taller. It was just make me shorter.

I'll take one for the team, but we got to look good at the football game this weekend. We got to look good at the Roncalli game. I don't want somebody to make fun of me. Up there wishing, dude. And God would be like, dog next. You know what I mean? If God almost called him dog.

And how do we not do that more? God backwards is dog And we're not talking about that That's like the only thing I thought about growing up That God backwards is dog I'm like Is it just me

Every song We're not slipping dog in there Just for fun I've never even heard anybody else Like recognize that that's funny Glory to dog in the highest Sing glory to dog.

And you're just picturing a dog like, you know, with like a halo and stuff. Nobody? All right. Okay. Fine. Fine. It's not the funniest thing in the world. How, like, it's just so right there, you know. Pray to God. And by the way, backwards God is dog. One of the funniest things you've ever seen in your life. A dog. Glory to dog in the higher. You're not picturing a dog with like a priest outfit on?

Up there. Breaking bread. Lamb of dog, you take away the sins of the world. And he just has a dog face with the robe on. Holding the body of Christ above his head. And we're not. Okay. That's fine.

All right. Why'd you have to kill my grandpa, man? He was like sick dude. See, like, I'm so dumb that I believe it. Bring him back, maybe. Oh, I thought he was talking to me. Why? It just be like that, bro.

You know? When it's time, it's time. You can't control that. You can't. You really can't. That's how I deal with death anyway. And it might be a little too harsh. Might be a little too harsh every time.

And it's happened before, like, a girl. you're dating or like a girl you like. It's like, my grandma died. And you're like, all right. As a guy, you really got to, like, you got to be ready to comfort. And that's where I am not a good boyfriend.

Dude, because my mentality when it comes to comforting is next play is your best play. I just turn into a football coach. Take the E out of emotion. Next play. Oh my God, my grandma just died. I'm like short memory, babe.

Let's go. What's crying going to do? Instead of getting into your feelings, how about this? Get in your bag. We're wasting time here. She's up there now. She's up there. You got a guardian angel.

Let's go. How about this? We're lucky she's up there. Huh? How about that, Ben? My grandpa died too. Hats off taking to you. Let's go.

My grandma died. Lock in. What would she want you to do? If your grandma could come back and say one thing, what would she say to you? Lock in. So my question would be is, why did they discontinue rice Krispie Treat Cereals?

It was so good. Oh, that's so true. Little marshmallow clusters mixed with rice. And it was just amazing. And then they stopped it. it's an important question. There's a lot I could ask, but that seems to be the top of the list, you know.

It's all I got. It's so true, man. There's just some things that they take away that, like, I feel like I'm a girl after I get broken up with, you know? You break up with a girl? I got all the, the girl has all these questions, you know? Rice Krispy treats. they cancel them for good take them off the shelves no questions they ghosted us and now i'm like

the girl in the relationship i'm like i mean are you are you are we're done we're done just like that all we did all that stuff we did all those times we had remember me and you me and you you were there on my birthday you're my best present you were there on those summer mornings Chris Cross Applesauce when you're building the Lego Stadium, you were there. Hey, you're the reason I woke up. And now you're just gone. I need closure. I need closure.

Where did you go? And you know what? You tried to come back and you weren't the same. What happened to the old you? Huh? What happened? You changed everything. You're so.

different now. The Rice Krispy treats I used to know? The Rice Krispy treats I used to know? Purple Box. Couldn't wait to see each other. Now you're gone? You're gone. Just like that. Out of my life. And you don't even care. Now I get it. I get it. Like when girls do that after relationships, I'm like, oh my Lord. Did you guys just invent close? Like what is closure? And now when he put it in Rice Krispy Treats terms, I'm like, I got a lot of questions. And you know what, Rice Krispy Treats? If I could talk to you in my car until 5 a.m. with tears running down my face, I'd cry so hard to know the truth.

I just want to know. You ever doing that last talk with a girl? Ooh. Ooh. Oh, you don't know how to act in the car. It's always in the car. I'm always trying to do it in the car so I can leave you know what I mean

God dang once you An old girlfriend I said she's like we need to talk and I was like Oh my God we've been talking It's there's nothing else to talk about you know And you're breaking up with the girl and it's just like what do we I'm always like all right I'll pull up outside of your house And she's like no come in and I'm like

There's no way I'm not going to spend the night And you're crying with her and stuff And you're crying so hard, dude, your face hurts for so long. What are we? Literally, what are we doing? Oh my God. Like, well, like, that's Meeter Ice Krispy treats. Hey, why did you waste all my time?

Start doing those weird things. Kind of fake crying. work you start checking dude you start going to other stores seeing if it's there that's like that's like when uh when you're when uh

you pass a girl's house he used to date hmm she's not there but she's over here I bet she's over it but she's just available online only I still look

I still look for rice crispy treats just in case you know what if they like had like some like uh what do they like call it when they like release a shoe flash flash sale nah that can't be a flash sale it sounds

too cheap I forget what they but they used to restock Nike's website and just put the hardest jays on there like and not tell anybody and then word would get around maybe gone in 10 seconds and sometimes I walk into Kroger and I'm like if they did like

a surprise drop just want Rice Krispy Treats back so bad the one that got away so my question for you is why do all groomsmen gifts suck. Because like a year ago for my wedding, I googled best gifts to give my groomsmen. And the top answers that came up were for things like

lighters, whiskey, and pocket knives. Which I just need my groomsman to stand up at an altar, not kill a rival gang leader. Yeah, it just confused me because all my groomsmen are like millennial dudes. And based on their suggestions, I'm thinking to myself, like, What, is everybody else just like best friends with the cast of Yellowstone? Dude.

A craftsman. The original idea. Jokes Embedded? That's a voice message, my friends. So true. I think I've gone to 19 of my friends' weddings. I might have 18 flasks with my initials. on the front.

How many flat do I need? Got a baseball bat at one of them. Name engraved on it. And you know what the first thing I thought? If somebody breaks in my house, yo. I'm good. What am I, I don't know where that, dude, I have no idea where that is.

Hey, another one of my homies? An axe. Guy groomsman gifts. It's so true. You in the mob? What's next? Hey man, thanks for being a part of my wedding. Here's a crowbar.

Just give me a loaded gun. Hey, bro. I really appreciate you doing this, man. Here's a sawed-off shotgun. Yo. I don't know. I think that's why you don't get married when you're young. Hey.

Thanks for coming to my wedding, bro. Here's a duffel bag. Yep, a duffel bag. Gotten that one before. Thanks. You have $300 to your name. It's all good, dog. Just keep it.

I don't need the, this is what Guy Groomsman gifts remind me of. You know when there was like a Christmas toy sale at your elementary school or middle school, really your elementary school and you like went down there and you bought like four things for a dollar and you gave one of them to your parents and stuff like you gave your parents like a magnet

you gave your parents it's like an ornament they're all it's all crap because you're 10 and you don't have any money and you got to give your parents a gift so your school's like let's do this like toy sale thing

so dumb you knew Rule. Spresso, golden rule. Get married when you're 40. At the least. At least 40. Minimum age requirement for marriage. Why don't we have that? People are, I swear, girls think they're going to get married when they're 21 and their stone cold set on it. I don't even, I don't even know the months. Still. 24. I'm ready to get married. I didn't figure out how to make eggs five years ago. Eggs.

Why is everybody so sure about everything? It's crazy to me. How are you so sure? Get, how do you know? That's the thing about me, bro. I, I'm always thinking, what if, uh, so you're gonna get married and you didn't even like, like, look around outside of the city or anything?

same high school and you're sure about it like nothing nothing else you're not even going to all right okay bro yeah I'll take a flask

I'll see you there my first hey when I get married I promise to God I'm not gonna get married but when I do three groomsmen maybe I don't know probably PlayStation's

just PlayStation how about this Jordan's. Just something that like someone would actually like down the road for the love of God. First question when I get to heaven would probably be pretty shallow. I would say if or I would ask if any girls in my high school had a crush on me. There we go. I probably could have got with. I never did.

So, uh, I'd ask that and then maybe, uh, I'd ask about. the 2012 Cincinnati Reds playoff run if they didn't lose game five to the San Francisco Giants would they have won the World Series

that's probably my two questions pretty good dude I don't know God dang it I love this guy man just it yep mm-hmm

bread and butter questions clinic guys putting on a clinic bro what the age old answer who liked me would I even want to know that question's so dangerous I might not even want to go

go down that road you know she liked me oh my god we could have got married and we were 24 she liked me for real she liked me and didn't say anything that it's so crazy

I'll never be the guy either you know shoot your shot Who the hell? Dude, that's too embarrassing. I've tried it too many times and failed. Like, I'm dead wrong. Like, if you like me enough to tell me,

that means so much. Like, that means, because I will never. I could be in love with you. I would just look right at my phone. No, you only live once. You need to, like, say that. You never know. It's never that deep.

Like, why I'm absolutely, there's a girl in college that was absolutely head over heels for. She would never know. Oh, God. Oh, I knew it. I knew it from the minute I saw her handwriting. I was like, yo. Okay. Holy shit.

I love you. But, uh, I'm going to keep it all bottled up in 15. years. I'm going to say it on a podcast. But that's true. That's true. That's a good one. Oh, sorry. I was thinking about the girl I fell in love with and never told. Had a chance. You always have the chance. You always remember.

Oh, yeah, yeah, I could have said something. That one never did. I didn't know what to say. I was walking by her and there was like goose shit everywhere. And I was honestly going to be like either, either like step over one and be like, this is crazy or just don't say anything. Didn't say a word. honestly

she didn't even look at me so I was like okay good I'll just keep that where it is yeah what happened when your team lost and did that one girl like me that one time yeah gonna cry it's hard to say what it is

I see in you wonder if I'll always be with you words can't shit this thing's fucking on what up B some boy Mr. Water If I'm sitting at the pearly freaking gates And I'm thinking

God, how many times I'm saying in perfect pitch But I got to think of another question Because the line behind me is getting a little antsy I got it now And this is really, I got to know How many beers have I had my entire life? Yo, see that one?

I guess stats 12,000? I mean, is that crazy? I would love to know that stuff. I think that's spot freaking on. Love your brother. For the thumbnail, you know?

Who knows? I want the life stats bad. I saw a book one time that had it. I think I was in seventh grade, went to my friend's house in Michigan. Coolest house ever. God dang. You know when somebody has a cool house,

do they know that they have the coolest house ever? Like they never, they never like act like it. But if I was a kid and I had the coolest house ever, I'd be like, yo, dog, you gotta come over to my crib. I'm talking about a triangle house. By itself, a triangle house. And not just one, there was another one next to it that was their garage and it was a triangle house.

And they had a pool. And the stairs in the house were circled. staircases. I walked in there like, is this Dexter's Laboratory? The best snacks. Basement, video games. Coke. Mountain. Nice ass mom. Couldn't wait to see you. My dad's coming home. Oh no. You know when somebody's dad's coming home here, I was like, geez, party's over. Brought pizza. Funniest guy in the house. Out funny. everybody. Older brother, kind of scared of them. Respected me? I was like, oh, I thought you were gonna clown me, but you like actually like,

kind of like, kind of like me? Oh my God. Unbelievable. We're in his room. Of course, dude. Of course his room, like, I love a room that has like a wall that's like, you know what I mean? God, that's so sick. It's like supposed to be a, nook or something. The whole wall of the whole one of the walls is like a window. You're like how the, and you sleep in here?

I'm like, this is hey Arnold's room, dog. And this is like where you hang out. And like you study in here? Like every time I ever like got a room, I'd be like, okay, this is how we're going to set this up if a girl ever comes in here and I'm going to watch a movie with her. Like that was my whole entire life plan. We're moving to a new house.

Okay, that if a girl ever comes over here and we watch a movie in my room, this is where a TV is going to be, that's going to go there, that's going to go there because that, my whole life, dude, all I thought about. Probably, probably a problem. Definitely a problem. That was the first thing I was thinking about when moving into a new house. Is that what everybody's thinking about? We get a new house. I'm like, where's the basketball hoop going to be? and if a girl comes over like how are we going to do that

my mom's not going to let any girls come over but like did I used to beg my mom please I remember she clowned me one time I remember I came out of the shower with just a towel on looked her in the eye she's like what's going on I was like Hannah broke up with me she's like oh lock in take the E out of a moment

Ocean. Next play is your best play. Short memory. Get out of your feelings. Get in your bag. That's how we deal with it, baby. Snap right out of it. Doing waste and time. Come on, dog. What are you doing? Get knocked down seven, get up eight men. That's off bringing up. Yeah, I want the life stats, bro. I want peanut butter. I want how much peanut. I want to see it all to, too. You know, how they like show, um, this many stadiums can fit inside the track of the Indy 500. I want like visualizations of that. Like God, don't cut me short here.

When I ask you a question, I want like, I want reports. Like, I don't want to know like, hey, you had this many gallons of peanut butter. I want to like see it.

You got to be thorough with me, God. Like, come on. Show your work. You're up there keeping track of everything. I don't know. You're at a desk with glasses on with a notepad.

Like, you got a bunch of angels working for you. I know you do. Show your work, babe. If I had 2,000 gallons of peanut butter, I want to see each gallon, print it off in color. I want to know, like, the calories. I want to know which brand.

Like, break it down for me, God. Crunchy, smooth. Skippy, Peter Pan, Jif. Let's go. That one kind I used to get, with the with the crunched up cookies in it. Miscellaneous peanut butter. How many of that was on peanut butter and jellies?

How many of that was in Reesies? Like, I need all that stuff. Bro, that would be the only thing I would read ever. Just how much peanut butter I've had. And I want that for everything. Like, and I want it, I want it like, I want the average. Like, how come, how come every time I'm reading a report for something? It's the most boring, like, thing ever.

Like, how come I can't read a report about, like, something cool ever once? I want to know where I stack up against top peanut butter eaters. Yeah, my friends. Like, where I am, where are we at? Oh my God, he liked peanut butter that. He ate more peanut butter than me.

No way. You call him? Bro, do you see the peanut butter stats? I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm coming this year. Yeah. All right.

Yeah. Oh, you're still there? What do you do? Oh, yeah, I can't hear you. Oh, you got a P. You got a P. in your mouth. Like that.

Every time I read the average for the amount of anything, I'm like, what? Why does this have to be about the Dow Jones? How much peanut butter have I had? Point blank. Come on. And how much fat did I gain from it and stuff like that? Like, what was it really doing to me? That's all I want to know, man.

So what am I asking at the Gids of Heaven? I don't know. Probably some dumb shit. Like, who would win in a four-way fight between Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Sloan, John Claude Van Dam, or Stephen Seagal? And that only came across my mind is because on Valentine's Day night, my wife of course went to bed early with my son and i didn't get any and i watched two van dan movies back to back with them so these are the questions guys want answered it only makes sense dog and that's the kind of stuff

i watch before bed on tic-tok honestly the amount of times i've seen rambo fight the terminator like mortal combat that style. Rambo wins, by the way. That's something I'll never forget. The reasons why just guys can't date girls. Because I would never watch that with a girl next to me. Hey, babe, can you give me a sec? Babe, can you give me a sec? Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Come on. Not fair. What are you saying? What are you saying? What are you saying, Pookie butt?

that voice you use with a girl in bed that no one no one's ever heard before bro don't don't get me started because i'm the guy that'll do it all it takes is a girl to do the uh baby voice just once do they know what they're doing when they do that like imagine being the guy doing baby voice first to the girl there's no way has that ever happened in the history of baby voice girl hits me with a baby voice I'm in I'm in and you never see it coming you're like is this I wonder if this is a girl that would do that

you just and then all the sudden you got a new language with her the amount of times I called my ex-girlfriend fishy oh god if a girl said the only way you can talk to me for the rest of your life is baby voice I'd say where do I sign up I'll let you talk to me in a baby voice

for the rest of my life. You're like literally cringe. Just what I prefer, babe. Never forget when my friend caught me talking to my girlfriend on the phone using baby voice. And he turned around and he goes, is that you talking like that?

I was like, you can't lie after you say! Nah, bro. How do you, uh... How do you recover from that? How do you play that off? God, what a miserable man. moment in my life when my best friend, my dog, he probably lost so much respect for me.

Bro, was that you talking like that? Right next to his ear? And I was like, I'm good. That's got to be kind of cool having a son. Sometimes. Sometimes. And I think the reason a lot of guys have I can't wait to have a son as so they can relive through him, you know? Through him, with him, in him. In the name of the Holy Spirit.

For the glory and God of your power. What the hell? You know, whatever they say? Dude, I've been to church 40 billion times. I don't know one thing. God dang it. Anybody else in that camp? I've been waiting to find my people

for way too long now. And it's just, it's not even by choice. I just go in there. And in my head the whole time, it's just, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Pack, back. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-bba-bap-ram. No, no-da-no, no-da-no. Little John in the Eastside boys, we,

and we'd all like to see your ass and titty. So bring your hair over here, ho. And let me see you get low. Oh, we're doing peace? I trunk up the dude to the south and the north Boys talking about I got them diamonds in my mouth Alright so like how many how much longer till we kneel Oh we're kneeling

We are we are We are the youth of the nation Almost time to go We get in the bread Hey we leave it after a communion? Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad bad I'm gonna go home. I'm gonna change out of this shit.

Aye. Cool. Got to see the priest at the end. I'm gonna give my nod. A. Good mass, big guy. Type shit. We leave.

And that's church for me. And it's church for me every time I've ever gone. Oh, God. We used to this thing at the end of church where if you repeat something that the priest said back to the priest, he'd give you a gummy worm. You'd be like in the, where you walk into the church, God, I should know that terminology. It's like the narthex or the anthrax or something. You know what I'm saying.

You walk in, you walk in, and there's like the atrium part of the church and then you go into the church. But in that little part of people would be like, oh my God, so good. Sorry, yes, my son. Because he'll be in the son. Always a mom like that, way too much lipstick on. But father would be holding it down. with a bowl of gummy worms. I don't know how he had so many.

But you got to go up to him and repeat one thing he said during church and you get a gummy worm. And I was like, boy, if I do one thing. And sometimes I would even be like, I don't even want the gummy worm, not worth it. I don't even care really. Like have your gummy worm.

All the kids would be all around them. Oh, what do you? Um, when you talked about, um, and Joseph and um he like you know

they're like when they're talking to like somebody important they're like touching themselves and stuff why do kids do that

me still um um I'm like get your hands off your crotch get your hand off your dick Andrew you're seven

but let's man up have some composure who do you think he is Justin Timberlake Jesus Christ. This isn't Mariah Carey, big dog. Have some poise. Um, um, okay. Um, um, you talked about Simon and... Here you go. Great memory. Yeah, that kid's got a bright future.

And I'd go up there and be like, and I swear, because I'd try to cheat. And I'd be like, yo, Amory, what did you, did you, do you know anything? And my older sister would be like, you should have listened. And then I'd be like, God damn it. Then I'd be like, yo, Tony, did he say anything? And she, I think, I think her and my sister were in on a thing where they would just make stuff up and tell me. And I'd go up there and be like, yo, when you were talking about the headless horseman, that really meant a lot to me. And he'd be like, dude, ah, shit. Well, going to get held back.

But here's a green and yellow one because nobody else wanted that one. I'm probably the headless horseman and shit oh your kid's dumb as hell here's yeah here's a green and yellow gummy worm the ones nobody wants I had dust on it fell on the floor four times

headless horseman in Ezekiel chapter the headless horseman and uh in the chapter Mark McGuire um 3969 mhm kai gummy worm

Kai gummy Kai have gummy worm Kai? Kids always say Kai Piss me off so bad Kai have one? Shut up Kai have one

I'll slap this shit out of you Kai have one You know you have like snack time In like fourth grade Kid next to me Smart as shit Couldn't say anything to him Because I was cheated off him

I have one I was like Yeah if I don't kill you first here Jesus Christ I have one A teddy graham? Shut up. Oh, he's digging in the back of his mouth, you know?

Oh, he's crazy. 97 on his history test, though. Kai have one? I'd be like, here, bro. Jesus Christ. Hate you so much, but thank you for passing me through fourth grade.

You're the only reason I made it through fourth grade, homie. Kai have one? Kai? Kai have one? Hey. Kai have one? Kill you. Take them all.

Take them all. Just shut up forever. Here, shut up for the rest of time. Bye. Kai? Kai have one? I'm gonna die. Cucka, kha, cringe moment of the week.

You mean like your whole life? L-O-L? You mean like your whole life, l'all? Does anybody else read L-O-L out loud? God, I do every time. And I say it too. Like, no matter what. I've never once in my life read L-O-L after somebody says it.

It's always, oh my God, seriously, l-l? You can't tell me you read, oh, my God, seriously, L-O-L? You're saying, L-O-L, dude, every time. L-L. You're like so weird, l-l. that's like oh my god you're like a la la la la la la la la la la la la a bunch of l o'l out of that oh my god yes you're reading oh my god yes you're reading oh my god but l o'l no way lol that's what that is and you can't tell me you don't do that everybody does that you're so crazy lal What the hell is I talking about?

Oh, cringe moment of the week. Lai. Cringe. And no one's ever said it either. No one's ever said it, but they've always thought it. Right? No. You think you're like the first one to say it, lal?

You think you're the first one to say that, lal? You think you're the first one to recognize that and put that into words, lal? L M.AO, you also look at those as individual letters like you should. What? L-O-L? I'm sorry, but that's lie. Ha, lie. That's lie. Lall. All right. Cringe mode of the week.

I'm just going to be very straightforward for this one. Spent the night with a girl. It wasn't great. Like, we didn't do it. But like the whole situation, the chemistry was, kind of like felt a little like forced or something. I was like, I don't know. This is kind of weird.

But like I'm still going to like, I'm not going to be like, you know what I mean? I'm not going to like I'm not going to tank. You know what I'm saying? I'm staying in the game and we're going to make this work. That's every time. You know what I'm talking about if you're a guy. I'm like, this doesn't really feel right, honestly. But I'm going to stay in the game and I'm going to make sure you're like comfortable and like we're just, you know.

we got to do what we got to do around here um the next morning i was like okay i have roommates we you know everybody we we had a good time last night we were just like at in our living room like just like just being idiots up to like 4 a.m you know you know you know there's other there's other people that it's like and then you wake up in the morning and you have to like girls love doing this You go back to where you were before you went your separate ways And it's a big like Oh my God, let's rehash your whole entire night, lal.

And you're like, oh, and as a guy, you're like, I hate this shit. As a guy, it's your worst nightmare Because you're like, I don't even know. Like, I don't want to really talk about it. I really just want to, I really just want to lock in. I really want to play the next play, make it my best play.

I want to get in my bag. I want to start fresh. I want to control what I can control. But girls like to, oh wait, remember when we, wait, wait, remember, hold on, wait, wait, lie, let, hold on, wait, he said, we, you guys, wait. And you're like, I just don't, I don't want to do any of this. In the whole time, that was happening, before I went to bed the night before, I was like, okay, here's a contact case

because I knew she wore contacts. Here's a toothbrush. I got an extra toothbrush. I was like, you know, because you don't want to wake up with contacts in your eyes, like all that kind of stuff. I was like, we got to get ready for bed. Am I the only guy that does that?

I'm always like getting ready for two. If I was going to pass away, I'd have to brush my teeth and take my contacts out before it. If someone was waterboarding me, I'd be like, hold up, bro. I got to take my contacts out and brush my teeth and like floss before we do any of this. But I was like doing all that. We go to sleep. We wake up.

We're talking about the night before. But before we get no. Wait. Oh my God. Wait. You did that. Wait. We have to rehash our whole time.

Before we did that, I put my contacts back in. She put her contacts back in. And we're just chilling in the living room and going through all this. And like, it's awkward, so I'm like, I don't even know if I should have done that. You know, like, who, damn. Now everybody like knows. You know what I mean? It's like, damn.

And the whole time I'm going through that, like, ah, let's just play the next play in my head. And while as I'm trying to play the next play at home girls, like, so you guys, like, you guys like, what did you do? And we're like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I'm hot. I'm sweaty. and then Homegirl

who I spent the night with in my bed tapped me on the shoulder goes, yo I think you have my contacts in hey let's do it and put her contacts in she put my contacts in

so we're just sitting there for like 25 minutes like god damn kind of hated our lives we both have each other's and we both can't see shit we both can't see anything we're just like

25 minutes And I didn't even really think twice. I just thought I was having a bad contact day. I'm like, I just must, you know what? Just must not be my day. Every time I need to have a good day,

my contacts always mess it up, you know? Oh, I got an audition, big day. I always got one contact that doesn't want to cooperate. It's always slicing into my eye for the first nine hours a day. I'm like,

yo, this is the, this is the day. I need you. It's always the days I'm not doing a damn thing where my contacts are like, ready for action. Reporting for duty.

So I'm sitting there like, man, my eyes must be like something happened. I'm probably, I probably have like an STD or something the way I'm seeing right now. I got STD vision. Whatever the hell just happened. She's like, yo, I think you got,

I think you put my contacts in. I was like, I'm going to break a window. I don't know. Tell me if you ever done that one. But the night after you put Homegirl's contacts in and she puts yours in and you're just chilling? I wouldn't have said a damn thing. That must have been her last pair. Dude. All right, let's do days. Thursday. Today. National Lash Day. Hey, was it just me? I'd be so bored and annoyed in class.

which was so stupid. We'd be writing down all the notes from the teacher's PowerPoint and I'd want to gouge my eyes out so bad that I would pick all the eyelashes out of my eyes just going at it. My eyelids like this, all class. 45 minutes.

And I would just dust them, pixie dust them all over my favor. Eyebrows too. God, dude. I just, couldn't take anymore. I just start ripping the hair out of my face. So bored I was ripping the hair out of my face. Nose hair. Why not? Add to the pile, dude, just on the loose leaf. Just my loose leaf paper in front of me would just be covered in hair. And I'd be like, I mean, this is what you got going on right now. If the teacher said anything, I'd be like,

this is what you make me feel. Literally ripping my hair out of my eyelashes. And then, dude, I would get, uh, I would, my eyelashes be all puffy. Then for the next two weeks, I'd have like styes all over my eyelids. And people would be like, what happened? I'd be like, I just, zoology was so boring. I just ripped all the hair out of my face. I would collect piles. I would make little, I'd make a square.

Just so bored. So bored, man. And then one girl was like, you know, your eyelashes don't grow back. And I was like, oh my God. how do you figure that out? I'm like, how would I ever know that? Your eyelashes, once you pull your eyelashes out, they don't grow back. I'm like, I just pulled out 27 of my eyelashes.

Last period. Shit! Now I got to get eyelash surgery. Jesus Christ. Got to get fake eyelashes now. I would be like trying hard to pull them out too. Like, they don't grow back. I was like, I kind of thought my eyelashes were like,

one thing I had gone Friday. Muffin Day. Hey, never had a bad one. Think about all the muffins you've ever had. You ever had a bad one? No. And even if it was bad, you're like, still eat another.

Those ones like your mom made that just weren't, yeah. It's muffins. Bottom kind of burnt. Give me four. Dude, I would eat those till I suffocated. No milk. Dude, I would eat four muffins over the sink and when I was going to die, I'd

Kitchen sink faucet. Best thing I've ever had my life. Man, if I could go back to the days where you could just go downstairs and your mom would make, I would have a pan full of muffins down there. I'd scoop them out with a spoon. Oh, scraping all the crap on the sides of the little like muffin bowl muffin pan thing. Oh, the blueberries. were banging. Those were tough. They had to take 13 minutes to make. Boom. Throw them on top of the stove.

Gone in 60 seconds. Oh God, I'm not talking about the movie. She's clut. Fire. And then you have that one muffin that was the best one you've ever had. You never forget about that one either. Mm-hmm.

Worst muffin you've ever had, best muffin you've ever had. Not a big difference. really. But that one time you had that muffin that like changed the game for you, you're like, oh, okay. And the top, you know, the top of that one muffin, it's like a $12 muffin. You're like, we'll see. I got it from a BP gas station right after school. My dad would always take me the gas station. I don't know why he's trying to buy my love or something. Because it was crazy the things I was getting in there. Like, hold up. Wait, when dad picks me up

from school, we go to the gas station and we ball out. We ball out of control. And then I go to the college you works out and play basketball all day. And he helps me with homework. And low key, he was just lobbing me answers. Like, I think you got yourself a deal, man. Listening to Michael Jackson on the way there and stuff? I'm like, I don't know.

I could keep doing this probably. bro, we'd go to BP and it'd be a blueberry muffin or a chocolate on chocolate. And the top would be so crispy, I would be in disbelief. You could peel the top off and it'd just be a muffin chip. Kind of crunchy. Warm? Warm, dude. The chocolate chips and the double chocolate muffin?

Melty. I was like, and you know how I'd get with them? those Fritos Barbecue Honey Barbecue Twist Fritos honey Barbecue twists and half the reason

I got those the bag was just way too tough to pass up I was like you ever pass something in the store and you're just like

can't explain it but you just had to pick them up they're too tough different color bag you give me an alternate bag of shit I'm buying that yeah chocolate chip

muffin Honey Barbecue Twits? Probably a Snapple too. Come on, dog. Change my whole life. Eating muffin chips. Don't know what you're doing. To me.

Sticky Bunday? I don't know what came over my for you page. It might be bleeding into your guys too, but my whole life right now is controlled by cinnamon rolls. And I don't care. I kind of think that I mean, what's the number one dessert?

What's it like real life? You're in a town hall meeting. You're the judge. What's the number one dessert? Who's gonna stay? What are we saying? You know? Who's the guy with the loud mouth

that lives on the corner is it? It's chocolate cake. You're like, I mean, yeah, probably. I mean, yeah, everybody's all that. Oh, no. cheesecake. And you're like, whoa, okay. Now we're talking. Now we're talking. Then there a fight breaks out, you know, in the town hall meeting. People start like getting mad, pointing

fingers. No. Well, and I. All that kind of stuff. Where's cinnamon roll line up in there? We got brownie lady in the back. You should try my brownies. I'm just saying. Where's cinnamon roll guy? Because I think he, he's valuable. We got to, we got to talk about cinnamon rolls a little. I don't even think they're on the radar, which is so crazy to say, there's no competitor. There's no competitor, yo. And we're not doing it. We're not, we haven't even cracked the surface of cinnamon rolls. We got a donut place on every corner of the street.

We got cupcake places just, just, just, okay, like we just invented cupcakes or something. We got ice cream everywhere. We got cake places everywhere. There's only one place for cinnamon rolls. One place. You know what I'm talking about. Cinebom. No competition.

Can we get a rival? What's up? We're just going to let Cinemon just... I'm not complaining. I love Cinevon, but like... It's a monopoly. And they're A1. You can't even come close to what that.

We're talking about original recipes for KFC, the Big Mac saw. What about Cinebonds recipe? Who's going to crack the code on that? What are they doing over there, bro? I can't even make it five feet away from the store in the mall without my nose running. Dude, that's a real drug. and the way that dude the the the the the rush of anger that came over me when I was at Cinebond I was like can you do extra icing she goes yeah and she put the Cinebonds in the boxes

they come in like Big Mac boxes you know and they put them in the back and she did it without putting extra icing on it took everything in me not to climb over the counter and flip every table over in there I'm like hey did you and I wanted I wanted to call call her every name in the book. Hey, you little... I don't know if you heard because it's real loud in here. But if I didn't say it,

could you put extra icing on the? Just bit my tongue. She slapped it on there. She slapped it on there like it was her last day at work. Like those guys, like those brick layers put put putty in between the bricks.

Iceing all over the box. on the sides of it. Like, you might as well just throw the hole. I just dip the box in icing too. She put them in a bag. The bag, the bag was soaked after. The bag was soaking wet.

Leaking. She's soaking wet. Bag had puddles all over it. You know, you get a bag of food. Like, and it's not the best, healthiest food for you, obviously.

And there's just, it's just looks like a, Ugh. It looks disgusting, but you know, whatever's in there is straight gas. Those cinnamon rolls were barking so loud at me. Bro, I had to, me and Logan went to Cinemon, we had to eat them under a bridge outside. Oh, so. I had a car. Dude, people were in cars watching us. Eating a cinnamon roll under a bridge because we couldn't wait.

Oh, God. Oh my God. People honking. Parents covering people's eyes. Parents covering kids' eyes. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait.

I couldn't wait. Not even using a fork, bro. Just... Ah! Hands still sticky from it. How to bust it out under the bridge, yo. Couldn't take it anymore. All right, one more.

supermarket employee day. Hey, when worse comes the worst, you know, you can always just be a guy working at a grocery store and it doesn't seem too bad. I always think about that. I'm like, yo, if something happens, like something really bad happens, I can always just work here at the grocery store.

I don't know how those people do it. You know those people, you know, you know it's time to go to bed when you go to a grocery store and there's like 9,000 people stocking the aisles. You're like, you know, you go to a grocery store at like 3 a.m. You're like, Jesus Christ. You can't even walk through an aisle. You're like, you can't ask them anything. I just stock.

I'm like, so you don't know where the soup is? I stock. No, I stock. I'm like, oh my God, dude. Okay, can't even give me a clue? Like, like, okay. I hate that. How come every time I got a question in a grocery store,

the only guy I can find is like, uh, sales rep, yeah, I'm sales rep for smearing off. I'm like, dude, just tell me, I can't find the mustard. It's always some,

it's always a condiment. I'm like, God damn it, dude. Yeah, I stop, yeah, I just stocked the wonder bread. I'm like, where are the pickles?

Just, I know you know, bro. Just, dude, It took me, at one time it took me 30 minutes to find pickles in a store. Minute 25, dude, you should have seen my posture. I look like I, I looked like somebody just killed my entire family. I was like, I was pale. It looked like I saw my dog get hit by a Ford F150.

I was like, what's wrong? What's it? I just can't find pickles. I don't want to talk about it. Took so. I think I googled it. I've done that before. You ever been.

so lost. Your patient's so low in a store. Walmart, where the thumb tax? I'm like, I just can't, dude, I will not. I'm telling you, dude, that we should be able to yell stuff out in stores. Thumb tax, G29. Okay. That's all we need to do. God dang. Thumb tax. Hey, why don't you ask somebody? Hey, we're the thumbtacks. I'm sorry. I just stock the Honeynut Cheerios. Jesus Christ. Dude, I can't have shit. Can't do anything around here. All right. Wow.

I love you guys, man. Great question, great answers. Creativity just shines through every time. I love you guys so much. Coach P. Quarter of the Week. Just fresh off the press. Ooh, I got two of them. Courage conquers all.

Dare to be brave. And rewards will follow. God damn, he's right. You know? You just know one's just right, bro. He's right. This just in, be bold. We die of fear and thrive of confidence.

I mean, lock in. Lock in, babe. Gonna be a wild ride. But we're going. See you guys next week.