Espresso - what DIDN'T your parents let you do?

Episode Date: March 2, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to the things your parents didn't allow you to do (like watch a racoon get blown)🎟️ 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Ontario, CA Thurs 3/...16 https://improv.com/ontario/comic/benedict+polizzi/ Kansas City, MO Thurs 3/23 https://improvkc.com/ShowDetails/b0822311-7337-417d-b373-e6f378a41b9d/3ef90ddd-e238-427f-bd95-e028af25d0dc/Benedict__Polizzi/Kansas_City_Improv Albany, NY Thurs 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDetails/7103c957-393b-4e13-a58a-cb2b21082f5d/fe90f238-dd0b-4177-a490-91bacbb9d65d/Benedict_Polizzi/Albany_Funny_Bone Tampa, FL Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_Improv Get a Bonus Episode every week! 🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/ 💋𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗖𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀 https://youtube.com/channel/UCwJEupKLP-c3i3h8BAq18hQ 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf 🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

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Starting point is 00:00:00 If you could watch Beavis and Butthead when you were a kid, you're a piece of shit now. Whose parents are out here just like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you can watch that. What's up, boys? Espresso podcast, episode 252. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi, and today we're going to figure out the thing your parents despised when you were growing up for absolutely no reason or just the dumbest reason ever. Hey, but remember shows coming up, Ontario, California, March 16th. Come see me. Dude, it's going to be so fun. Kansas city, Missouri, March 23rd, Albany, New York, April 6th, Tampa, Florida, April 27th. Grab ticks in the description of this
Starting point is 00:00:48 bio. Fuck. Yeah. Description of this bio. No description of this podcast. I almost had it. You almost did it. More dates coming soon. So we got Cali, Missouri, New York, Florida. Come out, bro. There's going to be merch there. And if you don't buy merch at the show, get it at benedictmerch.com. Remember to join the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every single week.
Starting point is 00:01:17 And dude, shit gets real over there. It's a club. You got to join the club to know the secrets. You want to know the secrets? I'll see you on Patreon. And listen to these guys and me and Joey Molnero streaming on all platforms. And subscribe to my YouTube. I made a video last week and Tupperware hit me in the face for two minutes straight.
Starting point is 00:01:43 That's why my nose looks like this. But yeah, check that out. out all right let's talk espresso quick quick quick question of the week what was the thing your parents just like wouldn't let you do as a kid and you're like what like you just couldn't believe it all your friends could do it but it's just no way in hell your parents were saying yeah you know i uh for me it was spending the night and you know what that and going to a dance bro i could for the life of me, hey, those like skating parties, remember that? It just felt like illegal. Everybody's like, yo, you didn't go to the skating party last night?
Starting point is 00:02:33 I was like, bro, we're in fourth grade. Your parents let you go to a fucking skating party? And who knew that was even happening? Dude, I was so out of the loop. I was like, you guys went to that shit? You know, you get like a newsletter from your school that your teacher would pass it out. I never read fucking anything they gave me.
Starting point is 00:02:55 Skating party at 7 p.m. I'd be like, okay, nobody's fucking going to that. The next day, bro, why weren't you there? I was like, you went? I don't even know how to skate. No chance my parents were letting me go to that the next day bro why weren't you there i was like you went i don't even know how to skate no chance my parents were getting let me go to that then when dances started to happen in like seventh grade dude i would literally have to be quiet for a week to be able to go to that i was like maybe if i don't talk the whole week and i get straight a's on everything. The whole year, I'll be able to go to the dance.
Starting point is 00:03:29 I think I tried to be quiet for a whole week. Didn't say one word. What's wrong? Dance week. Oh, yeah. Ben's being quiet all fucking week. Okay. Must be a dance this week.
Starting point is 00:03:41 Just dead quiet at the house. just dead quiet at the house dude it took it took everything for me to be able to watch a simpsons too just one day my mom just gave in she's like you know what it is funny just watch it my dad was not having that shit if we were watching the simpsons and my dad came home turn it off and just act like nothing was happening we'd literally turn off the tv and just look at each other and be like hey uh yeah the one time we were watching the simpsons my dad came home saw it was on TV and he goes, Jesus Christ, we rolling at the keg next. Holy shit. It was so funny. What else? You know, you know what? I snuck. I used to sneak this all the time growing up. Cause I'm a dude. My, if anyone saw me watching this shit, they would,
Starting point is 00:04:40 they would lose their mind. But deep down there they're like, that show is the shit. Celebrity Deathmatch. Remember that shit? That was the best show I've ever seen in my entire life. Celebrity Deathmatch. I'd watch that tonight. All the episodes. Just celebrities made of clay,
Starting point is 00:05:03 like taking chainsaws to each other's necks and shit in a wrestling ring. Oh my, can you think of a better show? Oh my God. I would have to, you know, you'd like have like, you'd be watching something that you shouldn't watch, you know? And then you'd go to a channel that you know is a safe pick. know and then you you'd go to a channel that you know is a safe pick and you'd be watching your show and then you'd like hear your mom come downstairs and you'd hit last channel real quick like you'd be like oh yeah i was just watching boy meets world but there's something sexy going on on that last channel button you already know that last channel button the things I would do God dude that last channel button was
Starting point is 00:05:47 saving my ass oh yeah yeah just uh yeah I'm watching home improvement your mom's like oh hmm but what's on the other channel some sexy shit maybe like Howard Stern so close as you can do close you can get dude I was 12 what i want i want to see i want to see boobs on tv all right mom comes downstairs oh yeah yeah yeah just watching um king of queens
Starting point is 00:06:19 something dirty happened on the last channel button all right let's hear yours what was the thing your parents just wouldn't let you do for no reason let's talk all right i got a wild one for you by the way i love the hair all right when i was eight years old there was a raccoon in my front yard and it had rabies so we called the cops and the cop got there and he was like, we got to dispose of this raccoon. And what that meant it was, is that he was going to shoot it with a shotgun. So all of my friends and I were super excited to watch this happen. But my parents were like, you can't see this. So they locked me in the living room and I had to watch from the window as all my friends got to witness
Starting point is 00:07:06 this cop just blow this raccoon away and that's all they talked about for an entire month is how I was not there to witness this happen yeah they wouldn't let me do it that's what my parents wouldn't let me do love the show
Starting point is 00:07:22 love the hair keep the tan fuck fuck parents wouldn't let me do love the show love the hair keep the tan fuck my parents won't let me watch that either you kidding me watch a raccoon get blown to pieces oh i don't even know if i'd let myself watch that now it's it's too it's too much did they really just blow that thing away in the front yard they didn't like take it somewhere and there was an audience that seems weird you sure hey watch this one just blows it back in the street a raccoon why oh i had rabies is that what he said oh anything with rabies bro you shoot it right in the face immediately rabies can humans get rabies
Starting point is 00:08:15 this is what i get every night at 10 p.m when i'm fucking so hungry i get rabies fucking root beer coming out of my mouth and shit. Just sudsy, bro. Looking for trouble anywhere in my house. I'll eat an entire jar of honey at 10pm. Food rabies, bro. Oh shit. Can you tell I'm sick? baby's row. Oh shit. Can you tell I'm sick? Let's keep going. What's the thing your parents didn't let you do for absolutely no reason? Man. So this question of the week made me realize my parents let me do a lot. May or may not be a good thing. But one thing I always thought was weird as a teenager, whenever my parents would find my pot they would let me keep it but if they ever found alcohol that was a huge no-no
Starting point is 00:09:12 which I thought was hypocritical of them because they drank every single day but they didn't smoke pot but it was okay for me to smoke pot but I couldn't drink alcohol i don't know i just i thought that was weird what a family you had jesus christ what else could you do your parents just let you smoke bro one time the most trouble i've ever been in one time my mom found emails that i sent to my girlfriend and they were like kind of like you know they're probably like they're they're probably she probably needed to call the horny bullies a little bit but it wasn't that bad if she found weed... I think I would have had to stay at like my... My grandma's or something.
Starting point is 00:10:11 Like forever. I don't even know. Yeah. I might have had to like change schools. Bro, some parents are out here just wilding. You can smoke, but you can't drink. Like fucking 10 years old. your parents must have been like 18 when you were 16 because that's fucking fried when hit this bowl mom shit like that happened
Starting point is 00:10:35 and those kids are the coolest they are they're so like low-key and chill when your parents just let you like do whatever when you're a kid those those people, those kids never end up being bad. It's the kids that are super like disciplined to end up being like fucks like me. That's why I'm great. That's why I'm like, ah, because my parents wouldn't let me do a goddamn thing when I was a kid. I barely got to go to like Chuck E. Cheese. No wonder I'm insane. Just keep going. My parents took the concept of school night way too seriously and would never let me do absolutely anything after school.
Starting point is 00:11:20 Would have let me hang out with friends at their houses. Couldn't go to dinners with them. Could definitely not spend the night on school nights with friends. Um, couldn't go over to anybody's house right after school. Like literally could do nothing. I went to school, went to any kind of sports practice and then immediately had to go home. No matter the circumstance, no matter if I didn't have homework or anything, I could just go to school and home and practice during the school week. No doubt, dude. That's like the norm. I think I still school nights hit me so hard when I was a kid that I do it now. If it's Wednesday, I'm like, I'm not doing shit tonight. Are you serious? It's Wednesday I'm like I'm not doing shit tonight are you serious it's Wednesday
Starting point is 00:12:05 that's when when people are wilding out on a Monday I'm like guys can we it's Monday get your shit together no no no no we're going out even on Sunday nights when there's like a Sunday fun day I'm like it's a school night maybe you can watch American Idol but like after that it's lights out homeboy you're going out you're staying out Monday bro school nights are still school nights are a thing never was able to do anything on a school night. Sometimes not even Friday. It was like, yeah, you just had school. Relax.
Starting point is 00:12:51 If it was Friday. People out here getting away with murder. You're telling me people growing up with you were doing things on like a Wednesday night. They'd go to their friend's house maybe if they lived in your neighborhood but bro you're coming home before this like when the street lights come on your ass better be home dude I gotten so much I don't think my mom talked to me for like three weeks one time I came home a
Starting point is 00:13:23 little too late the street lights were on. I was like, ah, shit, I got to bounce. Rode my huffy mongoose home. My mom looked at me like I just fucking killed somebody. She was like. She goes, what do you think you're doing? You coming home late she goes you little ragamuffin but i'll never forget that ragamuffin i was like i am next week next week's episode what's the thing your parents always called you that didn't make any sense at all ragamuffin but i did feel kind of like unhinged when she called me that i was
Starting point is 00:14:11 like i am i think i need it like after she called me a ragamuffin i think i tucked my shirt in and washed my face i was like i can't be a ragamuffin let's keep going oh my gosh i wasn't allowed to get a job working at taco bell the worst ever that makes sense taco bell's like r-rated when you're a kid i don't think i was allowed to eat taco bell until i was like 16 it's like look down upon because it's like open late taco bell's like a little sexy little fast food place for that. Open till 3 a.m. My mom was like, no. And it's like spicy food, you know. Taco Bell's kind of bad. Kids are in the parking lot like doing bad shit. Taco Bell's kind of the trap. If I was getting a job, it would.
Starting point is 00:15:12 Yeah, and I told my dad I was working at Taco Bell. He'd be like, oh, what gang are you in? He really would, dude. But if I was like I'm working at Einstein bagels, he'd be like, good boy. Taco Bell seems a little edgy, a little too edgy for my fam. So fucking good, though. It seems dangerous, you know? It's like a flex in high school.
Starting point is 00:15:43 You're like, I'm going to Taco Bell. You're in the car. They're like, what kind of sauce you want? Someone's like a flex in high school. You're like, I'm going to Taco Bell. You're in the car. They're like, what kind of sauce you want? Someone's like mild. You're like, don't be a bitch. We'll take all fire. Live moss. Live moss. But it is
Starting point is 00:16:06 like way too hot. Fire sauce way too hot. Every time I'm like mild. Dude, I'm mild with everything. You're boring. Mild, dude. I don't want to suffer.
Starting point is 00:16:22 Give me mild. Wait, hot wings? What are you doing to yourself? Snot pouring out of your nose. Napkins. Just like, oh, dude, my mouth's so fucking hot. Like, no, who's enjoying that? Does anyone have any milk in public?
Starting point is 00:16:46 Honey barbecue. Tastes better. Don't look like I have a disease. Doesn't look like I just ate a poisonous caterpillar. I agree with your parents. They talk about way... It's like the hot topic of food. You know,
Starting point is 00:17:07 my parents wouldn't let me go into hot topic. I don't even know if I could look at it. Don't look in there. Don't look in there. You always want to though. You're like, I heard there's like dildos in the bag. I don't know what those are though.
Starting point is 00:17:21 You go, the first time you go into Spencer's gifts with your friends, you're like, I just saw a sticker with boobs on it there's beer bongs on the wall I'm still scared to go in I had to go into Spencer's gifts the other day to get a beer bong so I could bong clam chowder did I went there I was hell I was so intimidated guy with like 14 chains on and like lip rings was like, what are you looking for?
Starting point is 00:17:49 I was like, I'm looking for the exit, sir. Have a good one. Walking to Build-A-Bear. I'm like, I'm going to have to order it online. I can't go back in there. I need like an accomplice to go with me in a hot topic or Spencer's. I need an accomplice to go with me to Spencer's gifts. No doubt. I'm like, I can't see in here. It's tough going in there, man. They like, no, I'm not one of them. You
Starting point is 00:18:21 know, I walk in there like boo like boo you know because i don't look like i belong in spencer's gifts i'm like too preppy i look like i should be wearing like a varsity letter jacket when i walk in there yeah it's dangerous dude so many shirts masks they have like pig masks and shit in the off season of halloween like yeah this place is this place needs an exorcism is he sick can't tell how would we ever know let's keep going so something that my parents didn't allow me to do that others kids did well i grew up a jehovah witness so like everything fuck that life um playing outside nope sleepovers no boyfriends no does it make for great dark humor? Yup. Ha ha. Fuck.
Starting point is 00:19:29 There's no way that's real. Run that shit back. Ha ha. Fuck. Dude, she sticks that landing every time. Yeah, I kind of wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend either. I don't think. Dude, growing up with girls in your house, like a girl would call my house,
Starting point is 00:19:57 which was like the biggest news in the household ever. Girl would call my house at like 8 p.m. Is Ben there? My mom would be like, oh my God, who is it? She'd be the biggest bitch on the phone bro so no girls would ever call my house because they were scared of my mom your mom was like mean i'd hear that on monday and be like oh my god i'd like have to have a talk with my mom but you can't be mean to the girls Now I'm a dick because you were a dick. See what I'm saying?
Starting point is 00:20:28 She'd be so mean to him, dude. Hello? Because like the caller ID would come up. She fucking already knew, bro. And then the random, the like the weird chance that she's like, someone's on the phone for you, Ben. I'd be like, oh my God. Oh my God.
Starting point is 00:20:45 Oh my God. And then I'm like, I'm on the radar for you, Ben. I'd be like, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. And then I'm like, I'm on the radar, bro. I'm under the gun because I pick up the phone. And then I hear two other phones in the house pick up too. Both my sisters. So my phone call is being monitored by the whole household just to see if i say something fucked up so i'm like hey this is the craziest circumstance of my life my mom and both my sisters in on a phone call with a girl from like in like third grade i'm like um they're like what are you doing just the stupidest
Starting point is 00:21:26 fucking questions that girls still ask to this day what are you doing i'm like uh fucking uh then i gotta make i was probably doing something embarrassing i couldn't be like watching johnny bravo like i gotta like say something cool so i'd be like just like uh about to call uh aaron from school you know and then i hear like somebody like about to call Aaron from school, you know, and then I hear like somebody like one of my sisters are on the phone like no, he fucking wasn't and I'm like hey just lying my ass off. Even if I cleared the phone call and like had game like third grade game like all right yeah whatever bye poop and like hung up on them I would still get my shit dude my sisters would ride my ass why do you say that you idiot I'd be like oh my god I would talk about the dumb
Starting point is 00:22:20 like what what are people talking about in third grade on the phone imagine being smooth I'm not even smooth now I was probably talking about what i had for dinner and shit what are you doing on the phone i'm like uh just ate like peas what's up that's why i can't talk to girls bro because my all my phone calls were tapped from the ages of 12 to 16 me answering the phone three other phones hello, hello. I'm like, damn. Then somebody gets on the internet too and like kicks me off the phone. I'm like, no!
Starting point is 00:23:14 Let's keep going. I wasn't allowed to go to the movies, have friends over, go to friends' houses. I wasn't allowed to have a job that's the only thing the worst part is i have a brother who is 17 he has a job has his own truck that he pays for hangs out with his friends all the time his friends come over all the time like he could do whatever he wants i had to bale hay and plow fields my brother doesn't even have to do that stuff like what is happening what makes him so special
Starting point is 00:23:54 damn baby g that's how it goes when you're the youngest except for i was the youngest and i didn't get to do shit either it kind of loosened up and i got to go to high school like my senior year i was kind of i was kind of getting away with some shit like i can remember having trampoline fights with my friends only for like 13 minutes though because like somebody could have died but we were doing that shit but yeah i remember like if i wanted to do something on the weekend i'd have to clean the whole house my back would be giving out dude my fingers would be pruney from like cleaning the shower everybody's like are you okay man are you good i'm like, yeah, I just wanted to go to Best Buy. They're like, oh, did your mom let you? I was like, no.
Starting point is 00:24:50 After sweeping the garage floor spotless, wouldn't let me go. Nope. I distinctly remember that shit. Pulling three feet of my sister's hair out of the shower drain just to go to Best Buy and play Dreamcast for like 20 minutes. It's the only time we can play video games. Only time, dude.
Starting point is 00:25:22 That little Best Buy console that was set up. Do I spend my life on that shit? Just keep going. For some reason, my parents would not let me watch South Park. They let me watch all of these gangster movies where people would get killed in the street, but they would not let me watch South Park. They let me watch all of these gangster movies where people would get killed in the street, but they would not let me watch South Park. That's one
Starting point is 00:25:50 of those. If I got caught watching South Park, I wouldn't be able to do anything ever. I wouldn't be able to watch TV again, probably. Because that shit is way too funny. And it's like bad animation. If there was a TV show with bad animation like the cartoons were ugly my mom would be like no i couldn't watch rocco's modern life no way dude the cartoons are
Starting point is 00:26:12 ugly that dog it was like it was like red looking it was weird any cartoons that would like shake kind of like obviously beavis and butthead was off the table but like that kind of and those guys were ugly my mom would be like no they're up to no good they're shaking and shit breathing all weird they're up to no good if you could watch beavis and butthead when you're a kid you're a piece of shit now whose parents are out here just like yeah yeah yeah you can watch that weren't they like i don't even know what that show is about what was that about how who had the patience to watch beavis and butthead every time i every oh obviously because there's fucking butthead in the title nobody's parents are letting them watch that you have that weird friend that you go to his house and you're allowed to do anything he's watching beavis and Butthead and you're like all right what's this all about and you're watching it and you're like
Starting point is 00:27:07 this show sucks how overrated was Beavis and Butthead I was like what are they doing having sex on this show or what's going on let's fucking figure it out like what's the big deal what's the big secret I'm missing out on then you watch it and you're like these guys are lame what they do burp that's why i'm not allowed to watch this and i'm always like get to the point i don't know which one's which but i'm like you guys are taking forever to just fucking figure this shit out they're all like bro that show's bad i bet it i bet it was funny though looking back on it but like god
Starting point is 00:27:47 those guys were so fucking gross my aunt dude my aunt wouldn't let us watch the rugrats because angelica was such a bitch facts she kind of was though like she was so bossy and shit i was like god angelica's a fucking idiot oh my god but the way she would just put down those cookies you can't tell me you didn't want cookies after watching rugrats dude angelica would be popping those then yelling at somebody i'd be like god am i in love with her? That's probably why I couldn't watch it. Everybody in the world knew I'd fall in love with that bitch. People, people out here not leaving voice messages driving me insane.
Starting point is 00:28:43 Here we go. driving me insane here we go things your parents wouldn't let you do for no reason man johnson this question man story of my life thank you but uh yeah the one thing that my parents despised me doing that other kids got to do when I was a kid was play Call of Duty. It was so dumb. I wasn't allowed to play at all. No way. And it's still relevant today because my parents despised Call of Duty. But I play it anyway. It's just hilarious but yeah call of duty
Starting point is 00:29:28 dude i try to get like dude my parents wouldn't even let me play video games nothing for one time i was playing a video game on the computer that's how i got around that was my loophole to playing video games. I was like, okay, we have a computer. I'll play computer games. Maybe they think it's like more intelligent or something. You're just sitting there playing video games? Dude, go outside.
Starting point is 00:29:59 Low key, they're probably right. Because I didn't play video games my whole life. And the minute I saw like a boy, I had access to a PlayStation, bro. My friend had it in the neighborhood. The minute I had access, dude, I went to his house every day. I'd go to sleep thinking about PlayStation. Oh, that shit was so hard. You mean you just, like, his parents didn't even set, like, times either, you know?
Starting point is 00:30:24 Like, you finally, you get to do something fun. Your mom's like, you can do it can do it for an hour and that's it bro my friend could just play video games the whole day i was like what the fuck kind of fantasy fairy tale are you living in dog i'd go to his house i don't think my parents knew he had a playstation bro i'd go to his house for for five hours then i'd call my dad and be like can i stay over here but yeah you can stay for three more hours i'd be like addicted the minute my dad dude i i hooked a controller up to our computer and i would sneak it dude i would play like madden 2002 or some shit on the computer and i had a controller so it was kind of like playstation my dad looked at me he goes
Starting point is 00:31:07 just walked downstairs shook his head and walked downstairs i was like oh my god he thinks i'm a ragamuffin wild bro then when i got a little older i could obviously like play video games and shit but like still like if i was playing like a shooting game you play those shooter games good god get a job drove my dad insane one summer bro because i was just playing uh video games all summer i was like in college home home in the summer for college i would just i would just literally just yelled church song because my i don't i didn't know where else to go like i didn't have an apartment in college my mom didn't live here so i just go to my dad like home for the summer
Starting point is 00:31:59 at my dad's and i would just play video games. I'd like work out during the day and shit and play video games and just scream church songs at the top of my lungs because I was bored. I say yes, my lord. Digo si, my lord. Digo si, senor. and i've been playing college football 2005 for the past seven hours but i got so pissed bro he literally made me get a job and that's when I started painting houses of course that's the job I get in the summer I'm like I don't want to do anything real so I'm just gonna paint houses should have died 15 times college pro painters was the hardest job I've ever had in my life but goddamn College Pro Painters.
Starting point is 00:33:09 Was the hardest job I've ever had in my life, but goddamn. We're out my welcome, dude. My dad's always like, you should stay with me. I'm like, you don't want that. You don't want that smoke, bro. I'll sing on Eagles wings and just play with Penn State all day. Running shit online. And eating.
Starting point is 00:33:31 Dude, I remember I was just eating big ass cookies. Big ass cookies in that Nestle Tollhouse box. They're pre-made. I would just smash big ass cookies and play NCAA football every single day and just scream church songs because I was so bored every summer. Let's keep going. Okay, so this is very random, but growing up, I wasn't able to air dry my hair.
Starting point is 00:34:06 I always had to dry it with the hair dryer. And I didn't realize until high school that if I air dry my hair, I actually have curly hair. So yay for Romanians being afraid of the draft and always having to be dry. That is so wild. Couldn't air dry your hair? You guys hear me burp? Talk about air. I don't, could I not do some shit?
Starting point is 00:34:40 I wonder, oh, you know what my parents wouldn't let me do? Oh shit. This is one, this is a hair thing for me. You know how bad I wanted blonde tips? Me. You know how bad I wanted blonde? That was eating my soul. When blonde hair was like hot,
Starting point is 00:35:00 dog, just wanted it once, man. You're growing up, dude. But dude NSYNC they all have it Backstreet Boys they look fucking amazing Reese on Malcolm in the Middle the blonde oh your friend your stupid ass friend has them. You're like, damn, that looks good. Man, I wanted blonde tips so bad. My mom was like, are you serious? It just looked like a leopard, dude. I still want them.
Starting point is 00:35:40 I swear to God, I still want them. Just looking like a leopard all the time. Doing that little purr. Me just... Oh, he's pretending to be a leopard again because he has blonde hips. Still want him. Swear to God, I still want him. Right now right now i'd have them how about the people that would just get the whole thing blonde up here remember that remember those dudes they
Starting point is 00:36:11 went a little overboard they did just straight up just the whole top straight blonde it looked bad but low-key you're like why you really you really did that that's amazing to do that in like when you're when you're 11 just bleaching your hair bro what's next you're gonna get gauges last one last one you're kissing on me so the thing that my friends could do i couldn't do call their parents by their first name i don't know what the hell world people are growing up in but uh yeah my friends will all be like hey uh what's up kevin hey janice hey laur. Can you make me a sandwich? You know what would happen if I did that to my parents?
Starting point is 00:37:07 They'd crack me upside the head, throw a can of freaking SpaghettiOs at me, kick me out of the house for the day, if not the week. I don't know what kids are so entitled about calling their parents by their first names, but it's like, settle down there, Joey. You're eight years old. You know? I don't get it. But, fuck.
Starting point is 00:37:20 You're eight years old. You know, I don't get it. But, ah, fuck. That, well, dude, that dude, what did that the magazine sale guy brings in your school, and it's like, and it stops on something that's super lame. You're like, fuck. You know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:37:59 But yeah, man, kids that called their parents by their first names. Piece of shit alert. That amazed me. Even to this day. When my friends want me to call their parents by their, or when parents want me to call them by their actual name.
Starting point is 00:38:21 I'm 32. I'm like, dude, you're Mr. mr molinero i'm not calling you joe it's so weird your friend would be like yeah yeah yeah peggy said uh we we could go over there before the game i'd be like who the fuck is peggy sam's mom I'd be like Mrs. Patterson you mean Peggy are you her fucking co-worker you're 10 it's Mrs. Patterson that's so weird to me bro you're 10 and you're calling adults by their real names i don't ever want to know any adults real name they're just mrs last name mr last name and then when you
Starting point is 00:39:16 figure it out you're like his name's fucking steve his dad's name's steve how the fuck did you figure that out do you look in the school directory one night? Everybody had a school directory and you're like, oh, that's her number. Remember that shit? Looking up girls' numbers in the school directory. You'd like judge them by their phone number. You'd be like,
Starting point is 00:39:42 ew. 829-3114 and you'd be like, ew, 8293114. And you'd be like, never calling her. Girl, you like, look up her number. You're like, oh, that is a sexy number. Those are like all the numbers I like. Yeah, those are like all the numbers I like. I swear to God.
Starting point is 00:40:03 869-866661 you're like ooh 666 sexy I'm an idiot dude you know what I mean though you know what I mean you do calling parents by their first names Christine
Starting point is 00:40:22 who am I to call your house? Hey, Mrs. Patterson. You can just call me Peggy. What if I was just like, hey, Pegster, get your son on the phone. Cut the chit chat. We got shit to talk about.
Starting point is 00:40:43 Like what? No problem. Yeah, right, dude. She would have hung up and then called my mom's cell phone. You always knew the names of your best friend's parents. So just buy some weird shit. Like her name's Anita. Since when? Is that a nickname or is that a real name because she does not look like an anita
Starting point is 00:41:09 that's for sure all right y'all that's it our parents are fucked up man, I don't know if they were or not. It sounds kind of normal. I think everybody's parents were drill sergeants. Ted Hutt! All right, I'll talk to you guys next week. Get your tickets for the shows. Ontario, Kansas City, Albany, Tampa.
Starting point is 00:41:44 More to come. All right, I'll talk to you guys next week. See you next time. Bye, fam.

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