Espresso - what do you hate about christmas?

Episode Date: December 22, 2022

BUY DETROIT HOUSE OF COMEDY TIX FOR TONIGHT(𝟭𝟮/𝟮𝟮)https://dettickets.houseofcomedy.net/event/benedict-polizzixFIl4hVOn this episode benny reacts to the things that you hate about the holidays (like small talking with relatives)🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Ah, fuck. What's up, fam? Shot 242. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi. And today we're gonna figure out what you guys hate about Christmas. Hey, remember, get your merch at benedictmerch.com.

Listen to these guys on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, and listen to the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every week.'s go bro you guys came in clutch with the voice messages what do you hate about christmas what do i hate oh dude i dude the fucking salvation army i can't i can't do it i what i can't free money i can't do it with homeless people anymore i yeah no no no no you feel bad no i don't feel bad dude i they gotta be like wow

that guy is fucking ruthless hey sir can you spend they're they're so fake. I'm like I'm go- no! I don't even look at them anymore Hey sir, can you- Dude the- but outside a store with the with the bell and the tap to pay- I can't do it. I can't do it I don't know. Maybe I'm fucked up. I just- I- Who do you think I am? Even if I had a billion dollars,'d be like no what are you doing with it that was fun to shit putting your quarters in that little uh that little slot when you're a kid though fuck you felt like you accomplished something you know i always got stuck doing dude

putting quarters in that little that mall thing you know in the middle of like not in the middle not in the middle of the mall but like in the food court there'd be that mall thing and your quarter would go all the way around that fucking dude i was such a dumb ass kid all right let's uh what do you hate about christmas can't wait what drives me nuts during the holidays is people's driving. It's like everybody's in a hurry and nobody can remember the rules of the road. And I just want to run people over. Dude, I will on the opposite. If I don't have shit to do, I'll stay in a hot, heated ass car. Dude, I drive around with my heat cranked.

It's so hot in my fucking car and in my apartment dude that shit's on like 90 dude i don't even look at my electric bill i'm scared you know people don't look at their bank account because they're like i don't want to see it that's me with my like heating bill i'm like i don't care i'm not gonna sit here and be cold i crank dude my car's blazing hot. I'm listening to, dude, I just, my dumb ass just found the Jolly Station on Sirius Radio. Corniest songs of all time. Why can't I stop listening to them? I love it.

Ashley Tisdale. Last Christmas, I gave you my motherfucking heart. On repeat. Sometimes I feel like I need some structure in my life because I'm a fucking... I'm weird. Are there any single guys out there that live alone that are just like,

I think I'm losing my fucking mind, bro. are there any single guys out there that live alone that are just like uh i think uh i think i'm losing my fucking mind bro but uh it's the best ever yeah and i'll drive i don't care i don't care if people drive weird i will sit in my car forever and listen to stupid ass shit in my car it's just the best place to be unless you're in in a hurry. Yeah, if you're in a hurry, you're like, I try not to complain about traffic because I have PTSD from my dad. Bro, my dad is such a fucking... The light's red? These lights are red.

There's no cars. Why is the light still red, bro? I would be... I'm like, you can't do anything about it. I'll stay in my car all day. I'll eat in my car. I'll fucking... I get so much done in the car.

It's my happy place. Just keep going. What do you hate about the holidays? You must say gotta one-up each other and one-up my last year's Christmas present every year and how the stores and corporate keep getting worse with their hours. Like I've been in retail pretty much since I was 18 and I just turned 29 this past, uh, week, I believe on the 11th. Um, it's actually pretty saddening and it's frustrating how america what america has become for christmas and the holidays um i wish it would

end i really really wish this like inner competition would end um competition with the stores of how early you can be open i remember years ago when i was like freshly like 20 when my dad first died i was having thanksgiving at my my mom's house well i live with my mom so dude is she crying i should really i should like listen to these i should screen these before i do this podcast because dude um back at our old house before we moved we had my family over there and then i we were eating dessert the best fucking part and i was like i gotta go to work because everybody there was doing overnight so like that's pretty fucking ridiculous like it's not okay we are only human we can only do so many hours and to put in so many hours for us some ungrateful Americans like get the fuck out of here for minimum pay but it's also the stores having like bigger and better things of like, oh, let me get my child a skateboard.

Let me get my niece or nephew or my friend's kid, you know, something that they're incapable of. You know, let's say they're two years old and, you know, people want to get them some. Dude, I'm sorry. I just I tried that just to just get a different job. Were you crying? I can't. Dude, I don't feel sorry for people. I'm sorry. Get a different job.

I don't know what to tell you. You got to work on Christmas. You got the wrong job. You knew you had to work on Christmas like two weeks before. They make the schedule two weeks before. They didn't just fucking, you weren't on call.

Like if you're on call at a hospital and you got to work, you got to work. I don't feel bad for people that have to work. Got to work on Christmas? See ya! Going to work! Bro, don't leave a pity voice message

come on let's keep going I feel like my fucking dad just yelled at me or some shit I don't mean to like bring it down but like yo you just like cried dude come on dude it's supposed to be fun

when Debbie and Carla start to wear their jewelry that has jingle bells on them. Dude, I think I'm kind of a... I'm a Christmas bitch. And this lady was wearing a necklace the other day that had Christmas lights on it, lit up, and I was like, she's fucking into it. Why do I like it? Dude, I love it when people do christmasy shit am i a bitch should i hate shit i can't dude it's just in my blood to love christmas

am i like that for any other holiday yeah probably halloween i just like what i like when people are getting into shit bro because it's like oh she's finally happy she's wearing she's wearing fun shit i i am a person that should not like christmas but i am a one little whore for us for anything that's christmassy what happened to me i'll never stop either i'm fucking oh i'm i'm santa bitch It's like the only reason I want to have a family Is so I can it's for Christmas Why'd you marry me Why do you have these kids I'm like uh Christmas

Bro I will spoil the Oh my god I don't care I don't hate anything about Christmas except for Fucking homeless people. Let's keep going. Hey, Ben. One thing that drives me insane about the holidays is twofold, really.

One, feeling like I need to wear jeans in my own house because my family is over. And I just, I'm not comfortable. I want to be wearing sweatpants. I want to be eating, but now I'm just constricted. They're going to think it's weird if I unbutton the top button, you know, I just, I, I got to settle down so they don't get riled up. Um, second thing would be feel which coincides, but feeling like I need to be this polished version of myself, you know, walk into Christmas. Hey guys, I'm doing good. I am successful. When in reality, I barely passed my last class. And my graduation date got pushed by six months.

But am I going to tell that to my siblings and their wives and their success? No, no. I am going to eat another seven layer cookie. What's a seven layer cookie? High five my dad, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, but jeans. Jeans on Christmas, kind of bold.

Are we wearing jeans on Christmas? I thought it was a little nicer. Yeah, I'm wearing jeans on Christmas. The older you get, you do hate going over and like, so you've been up to you're like fuck you know when people ask and when my friends ask me what i've been up to i'm like i don't fucking know all this shit dude wish i could say that to my uncle what have you been up to fucking all this shit yeah i, I hate that.

You just saw me pick my ear on YouTube and look at what came out of my ear and like kind of wipe it on the table. Whoops. Merry Christmas. Uh, yeah. I never know what to wear on Christmas. I'm like, I guess I'll wear like a turtleneck. But then again, like who am I trying to impress?

I don't know. A turtlenecks are so sexy on Christmas. It doesn't matter where the fuck you're going. If you're wearing a turtleneck. Oh, actually, it's more of a New Year's thing. Honestly, a turtleneck. Yeah. With a chain.

Who's kissing this right when I put it on turtleneck yeah with a chain who's kissing this right when i put it on turtleneck who's kissing me right when i pop my head out of that fucking thing and fold it down it does seem like it's a little too high on my neck every time i put a turtleneck on though i'm like damn it's this high did i get the wrong one? Did I get like an NBA player turtleneck? Yeah, that's the move. Black jeans and like an olive turtleneck. You're the king. Yeah, but I don't have shit to say on Christmas. I just kind of avoid everything.

Yeah, it was all right. It's all good. It's okay. It's like what you say when you're like, when you're like texting someone, when you're like mad at somebody, you're being all short with them through text. That's how I am on Christmas.

I'm like, okay, it was good. How about people that text you back? Like they're mad at you. Where's the self-awareness? Dude, some people text back and they'll just say like, yeah mad at you where's the self-awareness dude some people text back and they'll just say like yeah if you if you respond somebody and you give them an okay i'm like what do i do okay ha okay i'm like you can't really think that that's okay right you know i'm dying inside you doing this really think that that's okay, right? You know I'm dying inside. You're doing this on purpose.

Did you just okay me? As an actual answer, what did I say? Or when somebody texts you, can I ask you a question? I'm like, what's it about? Oh, my God. Just keep going. question i'm like what's it about oh my god let's keep going you you say can i ask you a question then you ask the question right after so the other person's not like holy shit let's keep going so you asked what do people hate about the holidays the one thing that i absolutely hate is whenever you have people in your family ask you what you want.

I want you to pay a bill. I don't want anything specific. And if I do, then what's the point? You're not even trying to get to know me. You just want to know what I want. Either way, I'm not religious. My family's religious why do i have to be a part of this it's fucking cold outside do we have to get together i see

you guys on every other thing why is christmas special uh i agree though like that dude if somebody just paid your bills for the whole month all of them that's the best gift of all time instead of you know when somebody says like what do you want for christmas and they say money you're like jesus christ you fucking scavenger you weasel money wow i don't have the balls to ask for money what do you want money i'm like oh Jesus, gotta pay somebody back. But if I was like pay all my bills, yeah, that's just that's just screaming that you're poor or like a stripper

on your Christmas list. You're like 30. What do you want this year? Pay all my bills. you're like 30 what do you want this year pay all my bills maybe that would be the best gift ever because i am poor and a stripper but let's keep going what do you hate one thing that kind of drives me insane is nativity scenes because they're not biblically accurate. So if you'd like to know more about that whole story, you could always check out Matthew chapter two and just start with the first verse. That's all. That's some super religious ass shit you just said right there.

Why, why do I kind of want to look at that now I'm not going to go up on here and read a fucking bible verse what if I just had like a pocket bible in my back pocket and I was like dude I'm such a like a I'm such a weird there's a nativity scene,

which nativity scenes are really weird. And they're kind of like terrifying. And there's one on the circle in Indianapolis. And I'm just always right by the fucking circles. So I walked downtown and there's a baby Jesus in a manger and I put a Starbucks cup in his hand. And it was so fucking funny.

And people were taking pictures of them. They didn't see it. And they're just taking pictures of the manger, like with kids and shit next to it. This guy goes, yeah, I like it. But who put that Starbucks cup in baby Jesus's hand? Who's saying it to me? Like, God, what a freak. And my ass felt,

I was so guilty. I was like, yeah, I don't know. So I went up there and took it out. And I was like, what a piece of shit. And threw it in the trash. And he was like, yeah. I was like, if you only knew that I bought a coffee,

drink it in seven seconds just to put it there in the first place. Whoops. And yeah, I made a TikTok out of it. Let's keep going. What do you hate about all this? I got sidetracked and forgot to send this when you asked about your like Christmas X or pot peeves or whatever it was. And mine is that if you live out of state,

everybody expects you to drop what you're doing and like go home no matter how fucking inconvenient it is. If you're single, like they just assume that like, yeah, why wouldn't you want to travel on the busiest fucking days of the year? Like, yeah, why wouldn't you want to travel on the busiest fucking days of the year and, you know, go home to only see your family because your friends are also with their families. But if you had a boyfriend, they would be like, oh, yeah, she's spending the holidays down there or girlfriend, I guess, with their significant other. Like, yeah, that makes sense that they're like happy and want to spend it with somebody down there. that makes sense that they're like happy and want to spend it um with somebody down there like can't you just be happy with your life and not want to do all that fucking traveling because it's air quotes i'm using you can't see them um christmas so um that that is my ick i'm a I don't care. I'll go.

I'll go. Four hours tops, though. Once we get into six hours, it's like, shit. Dude, that's a long day. I can't stay anywhere either. It's four hours there. You get there at noon. You spend six hours there.

You get home at 10. That's a long fucking... How tired are you? six hours there you get home at 10 that's a long fuck how tired are you yeah low-key driving on christmas that's kind of nice because there's nobody out i think i've logged so many damn hours in a car with my family that's half the reason i still talk to anyone in my family. Just was in the car with, that's all I do. I think I grew up in a car.

All we were doing was driving to see fucking, I've driven to Michigan probably 17,000 times. Have no, if you asked me to drive to Michigan right now, I'd be like, I don't even know where to start, i've never paid attention once i'll sit in i'll i'll do anything but pay attention i looked out the window i've seen i saw wendy's in a skyline chili it's all and sometimes i know there's a mire that we pass but besides that bro But besides that, bro.

Dude, road trips are kind of bomb just because of gas station snacks. He's always hungry. Just keep going. What do you hate about the holidays? I think that holidays are the biggest scam of all time. Like the biggest scam in history. Like someone just made up all this traditional things that we follow. Like a big fat white guy coming through your chimney and giving gifts to your children. He doesn't know. And people embrace and embody this idea.

It's so weird to me. this idea it's so weird to me it's like a marketing ploy and a capitalist scam so that people can all just be sheep and forget all the bad things going on in the world and i just i don't know what's so good about it i mean really what what's good what's so good about it i don't get it please help all right yeah she's right dude holidays were created so we don't straight up jump out of our windows all of us it's cold it gets dark everybody hates fucking everything dude if there wasn't christmas everybody would die swear to god they invented holidays so we don't all kill ourselves 100 positive dude and you know what people kill themselves the most over the holidays didn't work somebody always gets fucking shot on christmas

oh my god christmas night somebody's getting their fucking top blown right in the ribs. Holidays are made so we don't kill ourselves. Uh, yeah. And it is a big scam, huh? Huh? There's nothing else to do though. Fuck it. Spend some money. Part of the scam. He's part of the scam. But if you really want to shit on Christmas, like, it's so easy. It's all fake. It's all fucked up. December to remember. Honda.

Honda days. December. Oh, the jewelry commercials are so... Dude, who's ever really gotten a car for Christmas like that with a big fucking bow on top? Can you imagine? Dude, I'm so much of a bitch. I'd go out there and be like, I wanted the red one, though. I would say that.

You got me a car? Can't be thankful for shit. Dude, when you make a big purchase like that for somebody, it better have all the right specifications and shit. I swear, dude. I'm like, I didn't want black with a big bow though i would just have the big bow for christmas fuck the car just put a bow in my driveway i'll take it all right look so for me i think one of the main things i've always hated about christmas is that when you were younger and you linked up with all your like relatives that you didn't even really know and they always like will come up to you and like grab your face and rub on you and you're like bro who is this

person and then y'all get to the dinner table and everyone's made something that you don't even really know what it is but you have to eat it because if you don't eat it grandmas aunties everybody you're ungrateful ungrateful people there's children starving in africa so i always hated just the fake gathering of just a bunch of people you don't know and then you have to eat their food and pretend it's good it's like the it's the worst bro just leave me alone I kind of never gave a shit about that I don't think I ever had a family get together where people

were just bringing a bunch of shit in it was always like my grandma made a bunch of food and you just pick from there damn though but if I made like some brownies or something and I brought them to christmas and nobody touched them deep down bro i'd be like fuck all you but who's not eating a brownie yeah it's kind of a gamble when you make some actual food food

like if you make a turd dude that is i is... I don't have the guts, bro. If I had to cook for anybody, I'd be like, let's just get something. It's so much better when you just order out. If I had to cook for a girl, I'm getting takeout. I'm not cooking. It's weird.

You better be a master. Dude, if you're really going to cook something and bring it to a get-together, yo, it's got to be so good. Like, imagine if everybody, what if all the dads collectively brought a dish to Christmas? Just burnt ass, like sweet potato fries. Just some scrambled eggs, dude. All the dads pitch in. Oh, shit.

How gross would that be? No, you got to mix a peanut butter jelly sandwich with a big thumbprint in it scrambled eggs burnt ass all slopped together cake thank god bro everything would be all wet dude Dude, dads suck at cooking. Gross ass beans and shit. Beans, dude. That's all dads know how to make is shit in cans. Everything has too much broth.

Oh shit, this is disgusting. Just keep going. going honestly every gift that i buy i want to keep for myself yep facts every time i'll buy i'll buy two of some shit oh you want these shoes buying shoes for somebody is fucked up and i hate the feeling of buying something for somebody like your girlfriend or something and you're like she's not gonna like give me like you're not gonna come close to what i'm giving dude i think i'm the best that's my that's my thing i hate about christmas i think i'm the best present giver ever like Like, you're not coming close to what I'm doing right here. Max effort, bro. I'll go above and beyond. And yeah, I'll waste all my time.

But dude, I don't know why I do that shit. I don't know what I would do. If somebody gave me a really good gift, I'd probably start crying. Like, like right now. Like if somebody was just like, here, and it was a really good gift. Dude, I might fuck around and kiss him. I just pictured,

I just pictured Joey, my friend, giving me like the craziest thing. I would, I literally would kiss him on the cheek is that weird no I think it's the most normal shit of all time here bro I don't know why I pictured him giving me a PlayStation controller I don't even have a PlayStation but if you get somebody if somebody gives you something like that that's an electronics item and you're like oh dude there we go what drives me insane during the holidays peppermint bark why dude i'll eat everything under the damn sun on christmas the pretzels dipped in chocolate all eat you know they come in

they come in like this they come in like a bouquet bouquet still don't know how to say it now we're up to three words i don't know how to say penne bouquet everything that ends in that i've no clue penne i don't know but those pretzel rods that are dipped in chocolate put those in my ass and let me walk around the house so good but peppermint bark dude that's going untouched i'll eat all the nuts i'll eat all the pretzel shit those little uh those pretzels that are like they look like a window almost with like a bunch of caramel and chocolate on them and nuts but peppermint bark i'm like it's not good

peppermint everything is kind of like peppermint mocha at starbucks i'm like don don't eat it. But bitch, this is what I've been doing with peppermint. I just, I'm such a piece of shit. This is what I do like peppermint low-key because of this. Yo, the medicine ball at Starbucks. Get that. I don't know what it's actually called. It's like hibiscus, lemon, ginger, tea, or something like that.

But if you get peppermint in that and get a venti, do it. Do that shit tomorrow for your, like, I don't want to get coffee. I've been drinking too much coffee for, like, in that stage, bro. Just go to Starbucks, get the medicine ball, add peppermint. Yo! Clear out your sinuses. Yo! Clear out your sinuses?

It puts me in an unbelievable mood. I'm putting you on games. Fuck. What do you hate about the holidays? I hate the fact that my birthday is on Christmas and every year I have to endure people fake caring that i'm a christmas baby that doesn't make any sense bro i hate that that's all i wanted growing up i was like so his birthday's right by christmas so like do they just celebrate it on one day or two i hate that people with birthdays near christmas how do you do it i felt so bad for people like that growing up 25th is like and then like in front of your

family you get so many more presents than all the other people this doesn't seem right yeah we celebrate so like christmas we'll like open the presents and then for my birthday later on the day we'll have like a part, like a separate, you can't mix it. Like happy birthday colors and Christmas colors don't mix. So are you Jesus? Are you Jesus? Couple more, let's keep going.

So the thing that drives me the most insane about the holidays is the people that start celebrating Christmas way too early. Like the second that Halloween is over, everybody's already grabbing their Christmas trees. They're hanging up their lights. They're playing Mariah Carey. I'm like, dude, we still have Thanksgiving. Christmas isn't even for another fucking month. Why is it like a two month celebration when it's like just the entire month of December should be Christmas time

people are just bored dude I am kind of a little whore and I do like a Christmas tree up during Thanksgiving just like it's still there just in case you forgot it's still there just in case you forgot it's coming but uh yeah when people were right after halloween people get they people do get their christmas tree out too early hey but when people don't put it away dude if you if you put your christmas tree away before new year's you're

stupid psycho you're too you need a hobby you're too on your shit people some people are way too on their shit and they will right after dude get a life you kill your you you hate your family hates you and you you're mean to your dog if you put your Christmas tree away before New Year's. Easy. Have a soul. Or you're just my dad. Last one. The contrast of the good memory and lonely holiday now kills me. My ex told me to his family

right after a few weeks we met and after that we spent two sweet holiday together with Christmas tree and sweet home deco and so on. But now I'm spending this holiday alone. So kind of feel lonely now. Bro, that was scary. Did anyone else just get the chills?

The contrast, this is what the live caption is. This is what he said. The contrast of the good memory and lonely holiday kills me. This is like a story. Did he read this out of like an Edgar Allen Poe novel? My ex said to his family right after a few weeks we met that after we spent the sweet holiday together with Christmas

tree and sweet home decor and so on. But now I'm spending this holiday alone so I kind of feel lonely now. You do always. Dude, he's right. You always think you're an ex on Christmas. You just do you're an ex on Christmas.

You just do. And every other day. I'm just kidding. But like everybody you've ever dated, you think about them on Christmas. Why? Everything you do reminds you of them. Everything, bro. What are you going to get them?

Even if you didn't get them shit, you know, you're still thinking about them and not not like one particular ex but you're thinking about all of them you're like fuck starts crying now you gotta enjoy that lonely shit bro because you're gonna get a boyfriend it's just fucked up that nobody's ever happy. You're going to get a boyfriend or girlfriend, and you're going to be like, damn, I wish I was single for the holidays. That shit was nice. You don't have to worry about shit. You're on your own. You're doing your own shit.

And then once you're single, you're like, damn, I wish I had somebody. I'm a bitch. but bro it's good it's better to be single it is do what you want boy I wonder what that dude's name was okay that definitely is his name

he has the most American name ever no chance alright y'all alright fam yo happy holidays remember to get tickets to the Detroit House of Comedy show this today. Yeah, if you need to get a present for somebody, hit that up.

Have a good Christmas. I love you guys for real. Remember to listen to the Patreon. Get your merch at benedictmerch.com. Listen to these guys. Merry Christmas, guys guys for real i like i i you have no idea how much i think about you guys and i'm dead ass serious thanks for leaving the voice messages thanks for being a part of my life for real i'm getting sad because it's christmas but shut up love you see you next time i have him