Espresso - what do you REALLY want for xmas?

Episode Date: December 24, 2025

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How many people have said they want to see you naked for Christmas? Because I'll jump on that wagon. Honestly, just you, bro. Just you, dog. Santa, can you hear me? I have been so good this year. Just saw Jeff Saturday on TV and literally lost my train of thought. Espresso podcast shot 399.

I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who had two donuts on the way home from Chicago. And now he feels like he has to power. wash his mouth. What's going on with Chicago? I was there for seven hours and I immediately just wanted to get married, start a family, and get a corner apartment above a Starbucks

with a tree in the window? You know those three windows on the corner of an apartment? With the lit up tree in the window? Oh my God. I swear when they made those windows, they're like, these are for Christmas. These are Christmas windows.

They call those Christmas windows The diagonal, the flat, and the other diagonal. Those pop out Christmas tree windows. Not a Windows podcast. Hey, upcoming stand-up comedy shows. I don't have any. But Sacramento, Phoenix, Chicago. Some of the best shows I've ever had.

The people came out. The real people. The real homies. The day ones, the fam, the clubhouse. It's not even like about the show. best part of the show after this show a little mini convos on the patio let's take a pick but before the pick we talk for a little bit i fall in love with everyone in five seconds uh more shows coming up though tickey's below or at bennypillitzy dot com and watch me on f boy island and f girl

island is he a nice guy or an f boy not sure is it a show where he has to talk to girls yeah Does he know how to talk to girls? No. It's on HBO Max. Uncensored. Watch it with your dad. And tell your homies to join the Patreon $5 a month. What do I get?

You get a live stream at the end of every week and a podcast every other week. What kind of live stream is it? What do you guys even talk about? Do you talk about just like gas stations for an hour? Maybe. Do you fantasize about being trapped in an airport for four days? I don't know. What if we do?

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with code bald that's like crazy let's get the question it's christmas it's christmas right now i don't even know that it's christmas you know the well like the at the time i'm recording this right now it's like christmas is it's christmas is so here that i'm like i don't even think it's christmas yet i don't know hey that doesn't make sense but yeah it does i still don't get it what do you actually want for christmas everybody's like what i need gift ideas i need gift it's all about it's people are forcing gifts left and right when you don't know what to get somebody it's

always like an apple watch, but what do you really want? For me, five pieces of cheesecake in an appointment to one of those places where like a specialist cleans out your earwax. And they show it to you after. Why does it look like frozen root beer came out of his ears? 35 years of listening to bullshit

I want that I want the ear wash ear wax flush I want the sinus balloon you've seen that right or somebody just blows up a red balloon and somebody's nose in there and you see it in their mouth and it like enlarges their sinus

Oh my God, bro That's what we should be doing that every year You know we have like oil changes for cars Why aren't people getting oil changes Take me to Take me to the oil change place Valvaline for guys Gave me the ear wash flush

Oh my god I'm an idiot Give me the ear wax flush How many times are you gonna say it wrong Give me the ear wax flush Give me the nasal balloon and give me the nasal hair cake pop you know what I mean with that that stick they put the goo at the end it looks like a sucker it looks like a blowpop sucker you chewed the gum god blow pops go so hard for four seconds only uh-huh that blow pop the red one with the pink gum in the middle

Jesus Christ I just talk about candy it's all I want to talk about ash all right that blow pop for four seconds is the best thing you've ever had in your life i wanted it so bad one time i just wanted a bowl of blow pops way better than tootsie pops all day bro tutzi pops like i think if you took a red tootsie pop unwrapped it and threw it at somebody from 25 yards away and hit him in the head it would kill them those are the heaviest thing i'm like you ever like drop a tootsie pop on a table it's like all right just ruin the whole ruined the whole podcast didn't act out tore my rotator cuff

wasn't even it wasn't even worth it didn't even sound cool hey you went for it though all right ash being positive only when I tear my uh tendons in my shoulder okay but um the the the the nasal hair cake pop god dang it man shove that thing in there and they rip it out and so much hair comes out that you didn't even know you had it in your body you're like that was in my nose nasal hair cake pop sinus balloon ear wax flush give me something for my eyes too take all that slime out of my eyes you ever see those videos where they like take a core like almost

like they're taking an eyelash out of their eye and they pick up like a string of slime do that to my eyes oil change for adults that's what I want that's what I really want and maybe a peanut butter and jelly from the Phoenix airport what's going on dude what the I don't know if they're old I don't know if they're stale

or I don't know if they meant to do this but I was wait like I get to the airport 17 hours early I don't know how you don't and I love looking in the little shops you know the gift shop Hudson not an airport podcast but yeah it is I can talk about air too it's the best place to be

trap me in an airport for four days I had to spend the night in the airport it's my dream it's the only thing yeah just that's it I don't want to go anywhere I can't go anywhere else how come being trapped

is the only thing I want to do but I went into one of those little convenience stores in the airport mini 711 that's not a 711 and they had peanut butter and jellies had to cop a look you know what I mean I'll look at a row of peanut butter and jellies at an airport

before I look at a fat ass row of peanut butter and jellies staring at it fat ass give me a sec I'm looking at these peanut butter and jellies thumper on my left PB and jays on my right don't even know the ass is there. Girls got a wagon. I'm looking at P.B. and J's, babe. Thick jelly. Jelly's so thick. It's

like messing up the visualization of the product. You know what I mean? They put too much peanut butter and jelly in a PB&J and stuff in like a plastic triangle container. It's like blowing up inside. You know what a pen blows up? That's what the peanut butter and jelly is saying. I was like, whoa, dog. That's... They like overdid the peanut butter and jelly And all of them were like that Who's running the PB&J machine? Job I want

Putting peanut butter and jelly on PB&Js For Airport Convenience Stores So what do you do for a living? I'm the guy that puts way too much peanut butter and jelly On PB&Js that you see at the airport Shut up Come on my podcast bro is so good

I couldn't even believe and usually when stuff is so good I like get my phone out and try to like you know take a video or a pet it was so good I didn't even I forgot I had a phone forgot I had a nose peanut my jelly was so good

I forgot I had a nose huh just two slits in my face ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hi hi hi so we get another

I was halfway done with one triangle there's two triangles and I was like should we get another god damn that's fat math baby it's fat math it was so good it felt like it was crunchy peanut butter was it though didn't say crunchy on the packaging was it old don't care it tasted like they had a nature valley granola bar inside of the peanut butter and jelly the peanut butter had it was infused with Nature Valley crumbles. Every bite.

What? Never had crunch. Are there rice Krispies in this peanut butter? Every single bite I took it looked like someone said the most

outlandish thing you've ever heard. Take a bite. Take another bite. every time i took a bite it looked like it felt like um i'm not gonna say i'm not gonna i'm not gonna say i was gonna say something stupid say it i can't i can't all right let's get that what do you really what do you really want for christmas what do you really want for christmas a human oil change

and Jay from Phoenix, two, two, two, two, two, two, two. How many people have said they want to see you naked for Christmas? Because I'll jump on that wagon. Honestly, just you, bro. Just you, dog. Me naked, underwhelming. I'm doing what I can, man. You'd think it'd be better, though.

though. Like sometimes, oh God, you ever see a picture of yourself and you're like, what do I think I am, you know? I was doing that mistletoe video where I hung my leg down from this banister in this house and had to like get outside of the railing. And I had my homie take a picture of me while I was like in that position. Bro looked like a wooden barrel from the side. I was like, ah. Thought he was in shape a little.

I saw this picture I saw myself I go Haas first word that came in my head I mean it's all right but it ain't nothing crazy

I want to see Ben Politi with chest hair that would be different bro I have it right now hey I got you did this other day set my alarm

for 1130 p.m. to wake up and shave my entire body in my dad's bathtub. And it was one of those where I didn't want to wait. Like, you know when you, okay, I've been going to sleep at like 8 and 9 p.m. because I'm like so, I don't know why. When 8 and 9 p.m. rolls around, I'm so tired.

Go to bed for like two hours. Sometimes I sleep through the night. I'm a baby. This time set my alarm for 11.30. I was like, I got to wake up and shave my body. I got to wake up and shave my body. And in the back of my head, I was like, might sleep through this. It's not that important to shave my entire body.

Alarm went off. I've never been more determined in my life. You would have thought I was getting up to train to fight a tall Russian man in a boxing match. The determined, I've never gotten up quicker in my life. I was like, I have to do this right now. Rocky music. Do do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, to, me standing in my dad's bad. my dad's bathtub.

It's just a tradition. You've got to do it every so often, man. You just got to manage the body hair. God, that's all I've been doing my whole life is negotiating my own body hair. It's getting a little long on the legs. I'm starting to act a little different. Got to keep it shorter on the arm.

All I'm doing is just do I fade my wrists in? Do I taper my ankles? Body hair. I think I might be the only guy, really, that does this. Is it, hey, honestly, comment if you're shaving your body. Am I the, is it a lost art? Am I the only one? It happened when I was a kid, I was watching this West Virginia football game on TV,

and you know how sometimes they give, like, random facts about players? It's like this dude, he was like a beast on the West Virginia defense. And fun fact, he shaves his body before. every game. And I was like, well, if he's doing it, he's going to the NFL. Why wouldn't I? Been Timmy Trim Trim ever since. In a bathtub, too, couldn't wait. Stand in a tub, close outlet, going to town, bro. One on the legs, zero on the thighs, one on the arms. if you want the specs but chest hair

I got it right now I got it so much that I have zits on my chest that's disgusting move on okay I just want the world to remember what love is

I think he'd left it I think he left this message on purpose because he knows the podcast so well we're going to default to that I felt it bro. I felt what love was when I went to Chicago. Oh, my God. How come everybody just has it together in Chicago? 7 a.m. wake up, look outside, 65 people in black leggings and kind of, kind of heavier coats.

Air pods in, coffee, dog on a leash, 75 people. Just going where? I don't know. but they had they knew they knew their destination and they were getting there quick i just everybody locked in on top of it everybody there was a lot nobody was just confused walking everybody was walking with purpose i was like this is my city dude this is my city no false steps every foot boom one one in front of the other bang i was just like dang even the dogs were locked in dogs knew what was going on i'm shitting here back upstairs poop back up locked in dogs not even smelling where they shouldn't be smelling there i smelled that yesterday we're good i know what's going on over there by that tree

nope don't need it gonna do my business right back upstairs we don't have time we don't time to be sniffing fences sniffing curbs for what and trees alongside for we don't know locked in dogs everybody was so dialed in chicago everything was so christmassy every window had a lit up christmas tree and i was just like damn i want to have a baby oh my god i swear to god if i lived in chicago for two weeks wouldn't be the same guy I'd be bald I'd be married to a woman

that would eventually have a thyroid problem and I'd have three kids I'd wear a lot of button-ups and uh yeah God I'd be topping that Christmas tree

so hard With a star Underneath my Christmas tree Christmas Not must So what I want for Christmas I want to have like an all day pass To like a race card track

And just get like eight of my most fried homies And just Mario card it out there for like Four hours or eight hours or whatever And then just get all we can eat like pizza and wings and made oh and throwing like some street vendor hot dogs out there with like the bacon ruined my life and then end it with like slushies oh man oh no like a root bear float oh my god a ripair float with whipped cream and Oreos on top oh my god ruin my life I've never had someone answer a question more on point in my entire life on this podcast.

That was it. And the number one answer is exactly what you just said. Bro, can you imagine hitting an F1 track with your homies, eight cars? Man, the way I would die in four seconds, but I got to give them a shot. You got to floor it the food after. Oh, I had some, yo, I had some nachos in Chicago. Oh, my get, you ever eat something? Like, I had nachos in Chicago.

They were so good. Like, all I'm thinking about today is getting them again. And they're not going to be as good, but I'm still, I still kind of want to get them. Crunching them. Eat nachos with a fork, dude. I feel like I'm excavating a ditch. there were Joey's nachos I was like man can I get in

can I get in these nachos real quick he goes get in them don't tell me don't tell me to get into some nachos you don't know what you're gonna end up with dude excavator

my fork a tractor those nachos soft ground we're breaking ground we're breaking ground this evening men chicken cheese

had jalapinos on it didn't touch them all chicken and cheese with a fork little crunchy pieces in there come on race car then after nachos and rubier floats yeah that's christmas that's a perfect christmas gift i think that that might be what happens when you die right when you die welcome to the

greatest spectacle in racing nachos and rupture floats after a central nervous system that is not on fire i would really love to feel relaxed and regulated. That'd be nice. Wow. Haven't heard from her in a while. I remember that. Guy who's looking up central nervous system.

You don't know what that is? I mean, I know what it is, kind of, but like not enough to do anything about it. Central nervous system is the body's command center. Comprising the brain and spinal cord. Oh, you know, that image of just, your brain connected to your spinal cord is the most alien thing I've ever seen in my life. When they show just that, I'm like, oh, I'm an alien.

Okay. Wait, she said a central nervous system that isn't what? A central nervous system that is not on fire. I would really love to feel relaxed and regulated. That'd be nice. Yeah, it's probably not going to ever happen again. Once you go to Like

Once you go to high school That's over Actually It all It all It all gets regulated When he turned 68 68

68 We're all moving to Chicago We're all moving to Florida We're playing video games all day We're eating whatever we want We're 68 we're all going to be single you kidding me

maybe that's why people are getting married you get married then he just you know just fades away and when you're 68 you just live wherever you want and do whatever you want eat donuts all day ruby or floats 3 o'clock why is a Christmas tree in his window in July he's 68

68 realistically I want a car a new freaking car with low payments unrealistically a reset on the world a recent on everybody's morals

like morals now are no more like there's a few of us left Let's just go with the car a new car a new wit

I've become the guy that wants one of those like this is so obvious dude this is you guys knew this is gonna have I

I want one of those like Chevy avalanche looking cars we know you want to be Travis Kelsey so bad kind of it's like a Santa Cruz or something

you ever see one of those god dang only drawback though it was just it looks like people would ask me to help them move a lot and I'm just not I'm not that guy

I understand because I have the truck and you have stuff but I'm just not the move guy like I don't really kind of a bad mover every time something can't fit out of a door. I'm like, take the door of the hinges, I get out of the. That's my

solution to everything. The chair won't fit through. Like, I never have like a, you spin it this way, swing it that way, let's flip it and then rotate. I'm like, take door a hinge, yeah, I get through. All we got to do is turn it a little bit. Take door hingee, I get it through that.

The hell's wrong with this guy. All he wants to do is take a door off the hinge. bro just move it up a little bit yeah your way move it that way and then go i did do i d bang bang bang bang bang bang bang bang okay nothing like getting injured helping somebody move it happens every time to me I'll jam a finger That's my signature move, dude Having one fat finger

What's up? How come nobody Nobody's jammed a finger since Nobody's really jammed their finger Since they were like 12 at recess You know remember those jams You might get like a smash finger moving But a jammed finger where a ball

Like hits the top of your finger and you can like hear it oh my god remember that you're like playing kickball with a real kickball you know you like graduate to a real kickball first grade through like sixth grade we're playing with one of those dodgeball kickballs that you could boom maybe a hundred yards in the air sometimes like if you if a big kid was up to kick you could hear the sting of the ball but then 8th grade girls are starting to get like athletic I mean some of them already were but you know what I mean

like it's more like competitive and you can bring that hard cake ball out whoa we have one of these and somebody boots it and like the right fielder you're like ah sometimes he catches them sometimes they don't just

and you can hear it from like 25 yards away and you're like oh my god that's gonna hurt so bad the ice on the finger all day a bloody nail god dang well like my son he bites his nails and he was playing kickball unsupervised and he jammed his finger so now he can't write his thank you notes for christmas that mom that's always got a problem with everything old purple finger hey purple nail get over here

you're up to kick god that sucks you're literally out of commission for three weeks haven't had one of those since I was 12 jam fingers really fell off jam fingers what happened to him fell off Underneath my Christmas tree Skip going

Yo what up Benny This your boy Andre Mr. Water Oh Who's that guy I thought really long and art about this What do I really want for Christmas Hey this guy's a dog in the live stream

If you're not about it If you're not fam people in the live stream are so funny dropping line because it's not just me talking we're chatting it up check it out five dollars that's it five five dollars

that's it it's gonna sound weird as a grown adult saying this but that ass all I want for Christmas is my two losing football teams to just make some big plays

in like free agency in the transfer portal like that's all i give a fuck about if they like just sign a couple guys that i'm like holy shit yeah miles garrett on our defy now like transfer portal we get some five star corner out of alabama yeah like this is like that's that's a dub tell my friend what'd you get for christmas we got malachi williams from lsu like that would be all i need for christmas because really what that is is just an investment on my happiness for next year maybe the year after maybe the year after that so thinking long game love you brother to fuck hey was that a poem was that a poem did bro just put down a haiku in voice message form

every guy knows exactly what he's i think he put that down so well that girls are like yeah it's an investment in his happiness investment in my happiness that should be the name of a podcast and it's such a crazy feeling when your squad goes like does some ridiculous before the trade deadline wait what we got him it never works out though never really works out Colts fan Trent Richardson

now sports podcast when that news broke I was in college playing football there were Colts fans in our locker room running around in circles naked we got Fred Richardson grown men naked

saw it all talking about another guy it's almost like that's more of a like a moment than maybe like winning a big game. Hey, winning the Super Bowl or getting a cool guy in the off season?

I win getting a cool guy in the off season. Man, that is a sick Christmas present. It's such a rush. And everybody's talking about it. You can't do right when you hear that. You go right to Twitter. Oh, hold on. What are they saying, though?

What do we give up? Who cares? the next day on ESPN you just see it right there you're watching PTI says the guy's name where I shh that's why you dude you'll shh anybody when you when something's coming on TV like that that you got to watch like rude you want to watch it so bad you give him one of these bro if you snap at somebody that just that just me like hey I'm really sorry I just snapped at you but I need you to shut the hell up we're gonna go 4 and 14 next year.

Hi, Benny. How are you doing, cutie? All right. I want you to go ahead and tell Santa this. Well, he's already listening, so, hi, Santa. I want the Steelers to take it all the way to the house. I'm talking about the Super Bowl, baby. Let's make that happen.

Now sports podcast. Here's the thing, though. Baws cannot miss any more field goals. All right? almost give me a freaking heart attack I love you God dang it It's just so

It's such an honest answer right there It's just pure The first thing that comes to your mind That you really want for Chris Just the Steelers Just win the Super Bowl Wouldn't that be amazing Now that's sports podcast

But like just when I thought like the Steelers weren't going to make the playoffs and the Colts a thousand percent were it's the opposite now it's just so crazy wait why is he talking about this because there everybody in the world is a Steelers fan low-key I hate the Steelers well your dad likes him green 19 oh is this thing on hey B you doing all right can i get you anything oh man I want

The Denver Broncos to win Bro the Super Bowl Please Can that just happen That's what I want I don't want any presents Just Broncos Super Bowl win Oh that's it

Please make it happen Oh shit No that's not Santa please Hey B I don't get to say this much Because I only talk to you on the podcast But

You know I love you Hey let's tighten up boys No mistakes Dude I love this guy He gets me right Hit one of his voice Messers will set me straight

At least for a day I'm walking a little different After I hear that voice message Hey Let's go chin up Eyes up Shoulders back Let's go vision

Yeah for your squad to win Wouldn't it be nice Your squad wins then you're like well now they got to win it next year you know it's just like it just never ends with that I want one player

to win a national championship or just like the Super Bowl the finals and not be like hey we're gonna enjoy this you know what I mean I just want them to be like got to lock in winning next year

oh that'd be so sick like how did Kobe not do that once They win the NBA finals. Confetti falling. Holding up the NBA finals trophy, holding up the MVP of the finals trophy. Kobe, anything to say? We got to lock in,

defend our championship next year, walks off, starts shooting free throws. Confetti on the court. He's running suicides. We got to win it again, boys. That's what I want for Christmas. The Broncos, though,

I don't know. She's not the same team with those unis, man. I do respect the Broncos, but... Hey, salute. These guys. Oh, geez. But it's just totally not the Broncos in those uniforms. And I know you know what I'm talking about.

Without the... Without the John Elway jerseys? He didn't wear those jerseys his whole career. I know. The Super Bowl Broncos John Elway. You know what I'm talking. The champ band. Bailey Broncos.

Those are the Broncos. Now I'm like, I don't even, I don't even know who they are. Hi, Benny. Merry Christmas, Babs, Rooster. Ah, oh, oh. I have to bring the vibes down. Ah, shit.

Let's bring them way up. Chester Bennington and Lincoln Park. I would just fucking love it if they could just perform like an acoustic set in my living room. Ooh, for Cremma. So if Santa could resurrect Chester, that would just be fire. Let's make it happen, question mark.

Because Lincoln Park is goaded. I saw the new Lincoln Park. I'm a big concert guy. Whatever, no big deal. And I saw Lincoln Park with their new lead singer. And like, she was pretty fire, but just fucking Chester Bennington. Just never got out of me. I want him to scream at the top of his lungs in my ear.

And that's how I would go. That's how I would prefer to go deaf Rather than just having Tinnitus every night And then just slowly hearing I'd rather just have fucking Chester Bennington fucking In my ear

And I was like Ha ha ha ha Keep going Justin Woo I just fucking Slowly just fucking can't hear a shit anymore That's how I want to go deaf You guys are killing these voice messages

I didn't know how this was going to go Like I thought it was going to be a lot of world peace Love come on Dog What do you really what Chester Bennington making me go deaf for Christmas? I hate when you yell. But you know, like there's never going to be another,

that's the biggest L we've ever taken, where there's never going to be another guy like that. Putting it all out there. And you know along the way somebody tried to change, I don't know anything about Chester Bennington, really. just besides the fact that I love all the songs I don't like no much but you know somebody tried to change him up

a little bit along the way some producer hey why don't you just tone it down you know kick it back a few notches maybe like the harmonize better with like the vibe of the beat and the guitar he was like bro just shut up I love I love that

just a I think this is gonna work and I believe in it and what Think if they had him Lincoln Park Performing at like half time Of the Super Bowl or something I don't even It might go too hard for the Super Bowl Yeah it goes so hard

The Super Bowl wouldn't let us perform Because it's just too lit Yeah kids couldn't hear it It's too sick Damn they were so They were so good Biggest L humanity is ever taken when he when he passed away damn

these words say la dea fear all the messages in those songs too Jesus what I really want is none of the bullshit from everybody else just like everyone send me Zell

Apple pay the amount of the gift I don't even care and just send it to me directly so I can just pay my fucking bills and not have 26 extra candles and socks and some shit I don't need. Real though, real.

Real answer. Just that's what we want. We want real ant. This is it. Didn't take one second to think about that before she said it. Just ripped it. I agree.

I mean, yeah. It's easy. to give somebody a gift that's like something instead of money I always feel so I always I don't I shouldn't but I always feel like such a greedy little bitch right because one year I did that

one year I was like I don't want any stuff just can you pay my rent for two months I like asked like my dad for that or something he was like no I was like oh shit I'm a piece of shit told our cash Didn't work

Still got me socks and candles I mean socks and candles though If you're gonna get some fru-frew-frew gifts Sox and candles Kind of nice Yeah it'd be nice to get cold or cash But you're never gonna get as much cash as you would If it was just like gift form you know

Gift stuff Totals $500 If you just ask for cash, you're going to get like $2.50. You know how that goes? Why? I don't know. Just a kid guy. You know, question for you, bed.

I love the just coming back, and it's a question for me. Ooh, we might do that next week. Ask me some. Have you always been confident in who you are or was confident? It's something that you built up over time. Like with your stand-up career and, like, the cat-clan. video is like that takes balls to do oh yeah

sorry about that um into the mic it's fucking gross um so I feel like you what makes me so indulged and as your espresso

pod and just love it bro Benny Pelosi is I feel like you have a fucking like your signature sauce that's fucking crazy

there's a dog rewind your signature is on like all your posts Pauls Like you you always know that like You're being like yourself I feel like I just like fucking 45 times

I took some pre-work out Bear with me So And that's rare I feel like because Means a lot It's it's It's for me it's a constant reminder

Every few days or weeks I'm like oh shit I haven't done myself in a minute That shit kind of gets like stuff down There's so many, like, mundane work interactions or just interactions that you don't necessarily want to do, you know? And then you're like, hold on, I'm not having any fun here. I got to start having fun and be myself again.

Is that something that you catch yourself ever if that happens to you? And you're like, hold on. I'm quick to fucking bring Benny back out, or is that something that you don't even really think about? and did it take a while for you to kind of feel comfortable with the direction that your life's going in or from day one was like stand up and like

was that you're like I'm fucking doing this shit no matter what or you just feel the vibes out Merry Christmas babe I love you I love you fan Merry Christmas to you

It means a lot, dude, because that's just what we're trying to do out here, is just, just be you, baby. It really is. And I think, I think I'm like that because for a long time, I wasn't doing that. I was upset with myself. I couldn't figure out what it was inside. Like, why do I feel like not right, you know? I'm like, I don't think I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing or acting how I'm supposed to act. because at one point in time when I was a kid

I was just being myself all the time and then something I think I like school happened and I was like I can't be like an idiot here and it's like messing with me I'm like acting like a robot a little bit and it's like doesn't feel right through high school and college

and then I got a job and I was like this totally doesn't feel right going into an office every day I'm like this is not and I had people along the way kind of nudging me that were like so it's really you guys that keeps me going gonna cry but like my sisters would kind of like help me they like I didn't know it but I was kind of like being a little robotic like probably a lot probably very robotic and my sisters like took me to a comedy show and they're they didn't tell

me but they're probably they're probably like subliminally they're like you could you should be doing shit like that I don't even know maybe maybe I just thought that in my head you got to be a little everybody's delusional you just got to run with it that's kind of what that's kind of where i'm at i'm just like i just had like a thing i wanted to do and i was like let's just see if i can do it who cares and i told my dad that one time because you kind of got to clear it i kind of had to clear it with like my family this is what i'm doing i'm not going to do anything normal like just telling you and i i was like you only live once man my dad was like i agree with that and I was like all right well here we go I mean one time somebody do people people give me

this compliment a lot I think it's a compliment or advice people give me this advice a lot and I think it's the best when they say it and they if you've ever heard this and I'm sure you have if you're listening this podcast because we all kind of gravitate to each other for the same reason if somebody's ever like don't change bro ooh damn that means a lot damn that well my old boss so works with a big robot corporate guy me for a while didn't feel right started doing this stuff you know going out there just being myself um being delusional rolling with it if i ever feel robotic robotic thinking of my inspiration what would he do in this moment he wouldn't be doing this and then i you know back to yourself

doing all this stuff doing stand-up last year did stand-up in Texas my boss for my corporate job came to my show

I was like oh dang this is like where my he's like where it started came up for me after the show

don't change dog who that means a lot I don't know what that means really but it's just like dude just don't like fall into like a

I never want to be like you know I don't know if anything I'm saying it's making sense but you know when you like

like a person and you're like about it yeah yeah yeah and then something happens and you're like what happened to that guy i never want to do that i never want to be that guy something changes don't change what i want for christmas is probably to have an actual like christmas break one more time little did we all know back in the day uh those 12 13 days off from school in a row we're just the best times of our lives. Bro, I love you.

The middle of the school year and whatnot. I don't know. Even if I didn't do anything on a given day, it's just felt right. That's what I want. Just one more proper, you know, Christmas break.

These voice messages keep getting better and better, and I'm not just saying that. Never have. I think you'd be able to sniff it out if I was lying about that. But damn, I didn't know this question was going to hit this hard. You guys are,

that this is this is really good Christmas break for me used to be above summer break I don't know why because like you don't feel so disconnected from like your school like everybody's still around summer break I'm like this is three months

I don't even what if they move to Australia like you know but Christmas break like you're kind of all in the same town feels cozy oh yeah you know what I mean everybody holidays I feel like you're stuck It just feels good

You're visiting people I knew You're like I forget how you put it You said like You didn't know That those 13 days Would be the best days

Your life I actually did Like in high school In college When you had a good Christmas break I ain't Nothing's ever gonna hit like that again God dang

I was just thinking about this I think I had four in a row four Christmas breaks in a row in high school freshman year through senior year that were just heat heat heat heat heat heat heat

you're listening to the best music you're getting trapped at somebody's house because it snowed too much you got a new video game you're with the boys weirdly for like three days in a row no concept of time doesn't matter

everybody's happy and for some reason it wasn't for our school it wasn't 13 days off it was like it felt like 40 days off it was like December 21st through January 8th is that 13 days I'm an idiot

I can't count month math it felt like eternity and if he didn't play you know oh JV basketball game tonight the basement yeah my parents are at 10 there's just always like a variable that was like so sick yeah he just got the new uh beats pill we're going over there it's always so much fun

high school christmas break nothing like it and there you know what it is there's all you you always got like a little like christmas crush that's that's what you're talking about Nothing will ever hit Like that Christmas crush I find myself like Kind of doing that every year Even now Christmas crush

Christmas crush Who is it For some reason Every year around Christmas I'm like Should I wish her Merry Christmas Does she even know I'm thinking this? You know what I'm saying?

Christmas crush Kind of want to get her something She doesn't even know I exist I've thought about us getting married Oh dang You go over to Christmas Crush's house When you're a junior in high school For Christmas break

Never forget There's one college Christmas break That stands out to me College Christmas break Is high school Christmas break on steroids because you can go out you're allowed to drink I thought you

this is like a trashy podcast no when you're in college you just drink you got to figure it out whatever you got people really coming back into town oh my god

I got a college at UC Santa Barbara and I'm like back in town ta fine people are really back in town I got a PS

three you're so old i got a ps3 in call of duty black ops you're literally so old didn't know how to play it played it online like it was just sick i saw people in my dorm rooms playing it i was like i got to get that got it for christmas i think i think i played call of duty black ops online for ps3 for five days in a row with my friend in our living room time passing on a clock like a cartoon and my dad lived here at the time and I don't even think he cared like sometimes I'd be like nervous

playing video games with my parents around because they'd be like hey will you like go outside like I kind of felt like a slob my dad was just like hey Christmas break you guys want some cookies like playing into it

love that when somebody like you know they understand the vibe hey i'm going to run the store you guys want those that nestley uh three flavor pack i'd be like yo no talkie we're at the summit right now unloading the clip unloading the clip i went two for 17 every time on call duty literally hey three and 14 56 time in a row We'll figure it out one day. Such a good Christmas break.

Hey, over here texting your crush a little bit. Your homie's playing. It's not your turn. Yeah, so, like, what did you get? I got nervous. So funny. What happened? Oh, I'm just going to say it.

I had to ask Luis from FY Island something about, I was like, because I need to use somebody's pool in L.A. and I was like, are you going to be home? And you use somebody's pool. She's like, no, I'm not going to be home. And I didn't know what to say. I go, what's on your Christmas list? And then she sent me stuff that was on her list.

I, like, didn't expect it to go anywhere. She sent me what she was asking for Christmas. And now I'm like, did she send those to me so I should buy it? I have to buy her stuff now. Felt good. I guess I'm going to Sephora later. Hey, we're back. Yes.

Dude, I thought about you. And I was like, I hope he leaves a voice message in time. Because you leave hot voice messages, but it's always like two days after. I'm like, damn it. I think the topic is what you actually want for Christmas. Root, roo. Dog. And I think other than the obvious, which would be a waffle shirt and Jordan shorts.

Um, I just want a snow day sleepover again with the boys. God! Ew, of literally all the things you could ask for, or that's what you asked. You guys are literally disgusting. That house probably smells like a shot. Uh, yeah, it does, actually, and we love it. And it was the greatest day of my life. God, no kidding, dude.

How about that? Of your life. So, yeah, that's probably what I would love to do while we play. an NBA jam tournament with absolutely nothing on the line except for trash talk he's on fire

and then our biggest event of the night would be sneaking out dude you're so right about absolutely nothing on the line how fun is it to play video games just for the love of the game to go drive by

Ashley's house dude are you my best friend I think I know you dog this is exactly what me and my friends would do We wouldn't even have an invite to the house, bro. We'd just drive by and be like, that's where she lives. So we pretty much thought we were breaking the law doing that. So if you could maybe stuff my stocking with a walfa shirt, Jordan shorts, and my school lanyard.

That would be sick. Iowa State. And I just want a snow day sleep over with the boys. If you know, you know, and if you don't, I hate you. Okay. So anyway, Christmas is over. I'll see you guys later. Taha.

Fuh. Ha! One of the best. Actually, I don't even know. This might be the best podcast we've done. It's hitting serious for me. It's hitting different. I don't know why.

we're just all on the same page or maybe it's just because I had two apples before I started recording and they're really good a snow day sleepover with the boys nothing like it it's just different when it's just the guy chemistry

you know everybody knows everybody's role no surprises the vibe set we can do what we want we can eat what we want we're not like we're not overthinking

it's just guys man we're just I got neck okay no confrontation we had the best ones ever it'd be five dudes in a living room horseshoe couch you know what I mean it's really three couch

separate couch so we turned into a horse horseshoe up man coffee table everybody's feet on it toes doing this two guys playing video games two guys watching oh more invested in the game than the guy's playing one guy's sitting in a chair in the living room, me giving them in a haircut. Oh! Two minutes. All wearing

kind of like, you knew this was going to be like a snowy Christmas break day, so you kind of had a fit picked out a little bit, like low key on the low, like I, this is something like i've been planning on wearing like i've been wanting to break these out for you boys you know what i mean crew neck one of your best it's clean simple gray jordan sign it's not just any day it's a christmas break day purple shorts i don't usually wear them but today it's gonna be one of those days you got some hey you got some beers rolling around everybody's in a good mood and

you're just waiting for somebody to be like where are we going to eat we going to that are we going to that are we going to that you guys want to go to that bar no time frame no constraints everybody has a day off, consensus. That's something I like to establish early. I'm like, all right, we just kind of all woke up at like 9.13 a.m. Does anyone have anything to do today? And everyone's like, not really. Well, like, what do you mean? Not really.

Well, I was going to return this thing at the mall. We can go to the mall later. You got, you like got to have like a Christmas break producer. We would do that sometimes. We'd have like, okay, what's the day? looking like I would I try to be the director I'd be like all right bro what do we got going on who's got something to do let's plan this out so we can have the best day of all time and it's it's going in that direction eight o'clock rolls around

girls start getting involved but if you can have a Christmas break day night sleepover with just homies one to remember 11 p.m. rolls around not a girl in sight you're starting to tell stories you're starting to open up a little bit so like this is this is what my parents would do i didn't even know he had parents never heard him i haven't i've never heard him i didn't even know he lived in a house grown up hey never asked either It's getting a little wild, you know what I mean? Somebody turns on music. Hey, it's Taiga. What?

Are we going somewhere? And then somebody goes, no, we're staying in. Ah! ha ha ha ha ha! That's the music to my ears. They're staying in. Hey, and I just ordered pizza. My mom gave me her credit card to order pizza. Three large got wings.

We're staying in. No girls allowed. They always end up. You know, something always happens, but. Or how about the girl, like you try to have girls over?

They can't come over. but and then you do that thing you're like let's just drive by her house maybe they're like doing some and they didn't tell us maybe they're mad at us drive by nothing going on you're like wait a minute yeah is it legal to look in their windows god those days are the best it's like so cold outside but it's your house is heated but you could like the the floor's still cold you know oh it's kind of chilly better put some socks on my best socks my nbm socks. NBA socks, purple shorts, gray Jordan crewneck or thermal.

So ready to go. Ready to do anything. During that day, you're like, bro, I could play a basket. I could go work out right now. I could play a basketball game right now. I could get drunk on the car. I could play a video game. I'm just ready for any direction we're going on. Ready to eat. What do we eat? Let's go.

You're just part of the gang for the day. It's a great feeling. What up? Merry Christmas, Benny. What do I really? Falk. Deck the Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Thaha ha ha ha ha ha. What do I want for Christmas? What I really want for Christmas is for every company that I've been giving money to all year around. That includes my mortgage company, my car payment, the grocery store that I spend hundreds of dollars each week. So much money. My Uber Eats. My Amazon, which I spend hundreds of dollars. My Home Depot membership, which I spend hundreds of dollars.

My gym membership. the credit card companies And my barber That I get a haircut every week I want those people To give me something back I want a Christmas present from them I want either money

I want something return I want them to fucking give me something Because all I've been doing Is giving them something all year It is true, kind of selfish Oh he just left at that That was real I was real

I've never I've never heard Johnny we're just gonna go a good word just gonna say it I never heard Johnny fired up like that

like he meant it meant it yeah how come they don't I'm like can you do anything for me damn every company ever Hey, how about just do one thing nice?

Hey, very selfish. Hey, companies. Dude, what if Chase Bank, honestly, on Christmas, just gave everybody 20 bucks? I'd be like, I'm staying with them forever. Remember that one Christmas when Chase Bank gave us 20 bucks? Unthinkable. Like, just do it. Like, why can't you?

Subway. Guy who talks about Subway every podcast. You talk about Subway literally all the time. You're trash. You're fucking Trash. Hey, Subway, just free subs for a day. Load up the shops, dude. Yeah. Okay. We're going to need a lot of subs. Free subs. Just do something.

Free sub if you buy to and shit. Shut up. God damn. Give me something. Something. one thing LA Fitness gym memberships bring your homies

to the gym day for free like give me something please for the love of God all I do is just pull myself in 25 different directions for you guys get a app saying lion

loyalty program nah Nah, nah. And we're not gonna do shit for you, ever. Do one thing, bro. Log in, password, make sure. Confirm, email. Give me 20 bucks.

Give me 20 bucks. Put it in my hand. he's right damn he's right all right let's keep going this is this this podcast is

this is such a Christmas podcast and you guys did it I didn't have shit to do with this you're like cussing now

what the hell my son he listens his brother and 99 on YouTube and now he cusses in the house

my son cusses in the house because he hurts him crazy guy in a podcast swearing and he cussed at school and got ISS and had to do his homework

in the assistant principal's office and he suspended five basketball games my son oh shit that is the funniest thing to me it's like annoying now Okay tweet of the week Why is looking at a mall

directory so embarrassing You know what I'm saying What type of What level classification of embarrassment is it When you're looking at a mall directory well hold on that's level two all right well it says I'm right here

well that's not where I so we got to go up one floor where the stairs hey my face like in a molder actually like I'm staring into the sun does that guy just stare into a flashlight for two weeks Or is he looking at a mall director? Why does my face have to be so concentrated all the time? This is my thinking face. Has to be this ugly? What's your normal face look like?

What's your face when you're just trying to follow directions? What's your face look like? Just like this. Okay, what's your face look like when you're thinking about something? Jesus, bro. And you're not even thinking, you're just looking for the foot locker logo

on a directory in the middle of the mall. Hey, but everybody's staring at you. You walk by a person looking at the directory? Okay. somebody doesn't know where Bath and Body Works is First time at a mall A first time

Food courts that way, fat ass Follow the smell of the pretzels Jesus Christ It's so embarrassing Hey second most embarrassing thing in the world Different level of embarrassment When you're younger and you played basketball like in a real game with refs and like teams you know what I mean for your school you're playing for your school school and uh your shoe comes untied and the ref blows the whistle and the whole entire gym has to watch you tie your shoe whoa different pressure i'd rather kick a super bowl winning field goal than tie my shoe with the whole gym watching your girls in the

the crowd. Your swoop looping in Poland was shorty in the bleachers. Oh, Benny Bunny ears down there. My face while I'm tying my shoes. 70 people watching me do bunny ears Jaws cracking Hey ass crack out Girls looking at you in the crowd. The ref.

Everybody in your team. Your coach? Your girlfriend in the crowd? Should we go? I don't want to be here. anymore. I'm not in love with him anymore. Actually, I think I'm

gonna transfer. Should we transfer? I think I'm gonna drop out of school. You know what? I think I'm gonna kill myself. Oh, because you came untied during a basketball game. Dude.

if you can pull that one off good luck bro you're the smoothest man on earth the smoothest man in the world I'm triple knot in my shoes before a game just please don't blow the game dead for me to tie my shoe in front of 84 people

what the hell guy can't think with a straight face me normal me thinking Jesus Christ me normal me reading something have a little

composure big dog Jesus cringe moment of the week haven't done this a while it just came to me the other day hit me hard hurt and I'm like I can't say

it. I gotta say it. Cringe mode of the week when I playfully tried to trip my girl in a parking lot and she fell down and rolled three times. You know what I'm saying though? No, we don't know what you're saying. You're a fucking bully. you know like when you this is everybody goes through this phase right where you're like kicking people's back foot out

we just do it all the time and you just kick somebody's back foot out and they kind of like you know oh shit come on dog you know that I did that to my girlfriend at the time she fell down and rolled and I was like Oh my god

I like I mean I was just like messing around She was so upset I was like I mean I can't do shit around here dude I can't get away with anything Just a little back foot kick

I wasn't even like Come on man I can't have fun You're literally a freaking bully I was like you know, I'm just going to go in my car, lock it, and never come back out. Fell down, dude. Rocks on her leg. I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And I feel like a fraud for saying sorry. You know what I mean? I did not think it was going to go like this.

I was just trying to be flirty and fun. And you fell down so hard. Now I feel like I should go to jail. And I was just trying to be funny, fun. Oh, my God. Now you do it to me. And it's our thing. Like, I'm not trying.

I don't know. Let's do days. I mean, you hurt so bad from when you tripped me you piece of shit i was like uh i mean like oh my god wednesday eggnog day man who's really drinking it but lord does it kind of look good you know i've always been against like white You know, it's, it's always just not looking too hot for me, but that eggnog, they sell in that, like, slim carton.

Pouring that into a glass. Popping a straw in there. Super thick. Sucking that down. That's pretty much a milkshake and a carton ready to go. Ready to go milkshake? Even a runner, ready to go milk shake? It's eggnog.

kind of like it's something about the three letters E G G N-O-G something about that something about that hey you you don't know but that's doing something

to your brain that makes you want it three and three I'm like can't go wrong there pit pack toe three in a row

egg nog pouring it in the glass Goh guh guh Goh guh Goh Goh Go

Go Go take that first sip Seven people looking at you It is kind of good Your eggnog

mustache It is kind of good Yeah I'm one of the guys That's been Disrespecting Eggnog I want to take it all

I want to say I'm sorry You don't deserve that Jesus is the reason for the season You piece of shit Jesus is the reason for the season My son won't stop talking about egg knock Friday Argentine Thursday Because it's Christmas

And like What else is there to do on Christmas? Christmas is so wild sometimes When you get older Christmas, so wild. Ooh, 4 p.m. on Christmas.

Uh-huh. Me leading up to Christmas, leading up to 5 o'clock. 5 p.m. on Christmas. Uh-huh. Looking at the mirror, looking at myself in the mirror. Ah!

Me leading up to Christmas at 5 p.m. When should I get him? Did she think she likes me? I can't wait. I know. Yeah, I want to go. I know. 5 p.m. on Christmas.

Ah! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Dice Dice No! I don't want to go! I don't care! Dice Dice

No! Fine. I'm a monkey, Friday. What are we talking about? Thank you, note day. Oh, piss off. All right.

Thank you, notes. Are we? Nobody's doing that anymore, right? Just tack. Just text, text, text. No more writings addresses. Can we delete all? Oh my God.

What I'd give for my shipping and billing address to be the same? I know it's all my fault. They're not the same. But like, remember those days when you're shipping and billing address is the same? Click one box. See a piece. See the thing you bought. See your package in three days.

shipping billing are separate I'm like I don't even want it anymore I don't even What's the zip code I don't care about it I don't want it I don't want it anymore

Good God bro Sunday Card playing day Couldn't pay me babe Could not pay me babe could not paint i just can't i am not doing that day off supposed to be having fun let's do some math with shapes oh there's numbers on them too yeah and you got to remember the sequence in all the words that we made up for this game merry christmas

That's what playing cards on Christmas is Playing cards on Christmas Time to memorize some stuff Yo, I just came over Because I thought we were going to have a good time Mm-mm Time to work Oh yeah, you guys are having a Christmas party

let's eat some good food have some good conversations turn some music on be fun a girl all of a sudden out of the woodwork let's play a game all right

let's start memorizing shapes and numbers in sequences and patterns Jesus cry I just wanted to sit here and talk Hey and maybe I just didn't even want to talk at all I just wanted to sit here

listen to music and have a fun time maybe drink a beer I wanted to sit here and relax oh you're having a party wanted to sit here listen to music and relax there's always a girl 15 minutes in

and take card game now I got to memorize shapes, numbers, sequences, and patterns for the next three hours Has anybody ever stood up to the card game girl? No! Right in your face oh dude I dabbed that guy up so hard Could never be me.

Thank you, sir. Let's play card game. No! Oh my God. I'd be... Oh, my God. That is my hero. Oh, my God.

standing up to the card game girl there goes my hero watch him as he goes wow amazing podcast because of you guys amazing voice messages thank you so much Merry Christmas I love you I mean

Can't say it enough Coach Pete of the week here we go here we go oh here we go here we go and I told my dad I told Coach P

about this thing that we're doing this now guy just threw up I told my dad I was like yo we do Coach P. Corps the week every week keep him coming he goes

what do you do hey B what's you doing I go I'm about to record a podcast sends it in Never stop craving and striving for excellence Every champion was once a contender That refused to give up Tough

All right, love you guys Express hose Have a good Christmas And, uh, I love you. You already said that. Um, just have a Christmas break day. Have a Christmas break day. You already know, you already know my little candy ass is going to eat cheesecake all day.

Mm-hmm. I'm doing it. Should too. Love you, fam. Talk to you next week. Ha ha. Bye. Thank you.