Espresso - what needs sum disrespect?

Episode Date: August 9, 2024

support benny and get every other pod and a weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi  👁️👁️ watch on Youtube on this pod benny reacts to the things you think need a lil disrespect (like ppl on their phone at full volume)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/Raleigh - Aug 22 https://www.goodnightscomedy.com/shows/254522 Buffalo - Sept 19 https://buffalo.heliumcomedy.com/shows/254521 Austin - Oct 10 https://www.capcitycomedy.com/shows/254523 San Diego - Nov 7 https://www.micdropcomedy.com/shows/264571 Phoenix - Dec 5 https://www.micdropmania.com/shows/264572💕 WATCH BENNY on LOVERS and LIARS ON CW APP🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

When a white guy is like, oh, I've never been with a black girl before. Have you been with a white guy before? I am drier than cooking flour. I hope a skunk sprays you. Fuck. All you people, can't you see, can't you see how your love's affecting our reality? Espresso Podcast Shot 327. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who just ate 52 cherries and might not need to eat ever again.

Before we get started, upcoming stand-up comedy shows, Raleigh, August 22nd, Buffalo, September 19 Buffalo September 19th Austin Texas October 10th then we got San Diego and Phoenix coming up to get all your tickies at benedictpolizzi.com or sexpolizzi.com if you're feeling freaky same exact website just had a stroke same exact website got two domains because one shut down and I don't know anything about the internet remember to watch lovers and liars all episodes available on the CW app you don't need to log and I don't know anything about the internet. Remember to watch Lovers and Liars. All episodes available on the CW app. You don't need to log in. You don't need a username.

Just download the app and watch me embarrass my family. Tell your homies to join the Patreon for $5 a month. You get every other espresso pod plus bonus pods and a live stream at the end of every week for $5. I mean, who's not? and a live stream at the end of every week for five dollars i mean who's not who's not buying this hey glonky hats who's buying this hoodies benedict pump covers kiss me every day crew necks i suck toes hoodies i mean what else do you want benedictmerch.com get everything buy uh buy your ex-boyfriend uh benedict hoodie i don't know um but let's get to the question of the week espresso quick quick quick question

of the week cannot wait last week was put some respect on something. What needs respect this week? Put some disrespect on something. What just... Can we just drag something? Just let it out. Bluetooth connection. I can't do it anymore. Crumble cookies. I can't do it anymore. Crumble cookies. I'm good.

If you walked in with a box of six crumble cookies right now, I'd be happier than I've ever been in my life. But every time I walk in, and what else? Put some disrespect on something. Olympic basketball jerseys.

He's talking about sports again this isn't the sports podcast just hear me out real quick okay the olympics come around every four years four years the usa basketball jerseys on display for the entire world to see best basketball players in our country representing the USA. They had four years to design uniforms, and they came up with this. Four years, and they look like East Bay Magazine uniform number six that a JV high school basketball team wears. I don't know.

Just make them a little more, I don't know, Olympic? It just bothers me. It's my thing, all right? It's my thing. There's nothing I have more confidence in in this entire world than uniform knowledge, sports uniform knowledge. I don't know why. Everybody everybody has their little thing maybe that's next week's question what's your like what's your what are you an expert in what's your secret expert thing

some people can just make a bomb ass like salami sandwich some people are really good at making like a frozen pizza god you ever just dude there's something about when someone makes a frozen pizza for you it's so much better than when you make it yourself oh my god damn am i gonna get a am i gonna get a cpk tonight california pizza kitchen best frozen pizza i don't know but uh let's hear yours what put some disrespect on something put a little disrespect what needs to what needs some disrespect let's go any type of whistling it's the most annoying sound in the world i think i love you regardless if people can do a loud whistle whistle to a song it's like nails on the

chalkboard listening to that and bagpipes miserable miserable i dude it's whistling is my i think are you me have we talked about this in a past life were you on my sixth grade soccer team and we talked about how much we hated whistling bro thank you why are we still whistling it's nothing it's literally nothing i don't know i know i know i do one two everybody's got their little thing that they do but you don't have to make a noise you don't have to make if it's quiet it's just it can be quiet it can be quiet we're in an. You don't have to do this. It's so funny to me that everybody has to make an... Hey, hey, hey, hey.

We're good on the sound effects, big dog. Comedian looking through their phone for jokes while on stage. What was I going to do next? I'm like, dude. dude thank you for the instrumental beat but whistling just to pat like shut up andy griffith dude i can't stand when people is so crazy is this gonna be a complain podcast yes complain gang assemble humming uh humming might be worse than whistling is humming worse shut up

it can be quiet it can be quiet hey whistling on the phone though what are we doing i really hate nose whistlers like seriously blow your fucking nose two in a row two in a row hey no it's the worst when somebody somebody has a nose whistle and they don't know their nose is whistling and you don't know how to tell them i think i'm at the point where i don't care anymore and i would just tell somebody but i don't think i've ever heard a girl's nose whistle never been sweatier while doing a podcast why because i'm drinking piping hot coffee at 8.01 p.m. Never heard a girl's nose whistle. Are you guys capable of that?

Dude, my nose will sound like a damn train conductor at night. I just want to know so bad what happens to me at night. I think someone puts a bullet in my head every time i go to sleep no idea what comes out of my nose my mouth i i think i think just 15 cockroaches come out of my mouth every night who knows knows my nose sounds like a train and 14 000 spiders come out of my mouth every time i go to sleep who knows could be i think i might walk around my room at night unaware just me sleeping all aboard what was that noise oh he's just taking a nap again

yeah it's tough to be like i've never once in my life been like dude your nose is whistling so bad i feel like you just have to know right how do you not hear that I never know that I'll have something in my nose and not know for like three days you got to tell me on that one because I'm not looking at myself the whole day. I don't want to look at myself as I do a podcast and videos and stand up every 15 seconds. I don't want to look at myself. There's always one of those weird boogers in my nose. It's like,

it's like a, it's like a corn flake, you know, it's just in there. And it's like, you know, you breathe out and it's like, it like's like you know you breathe out and it's like it like closes the door and you breathe in it's like and it goes it's like

it's like oh that's just my filter that's just my nose filter i always have one of those how about when somebody's like you got something can you do this i'm like fuck what was in my nose what was in my nose hey go like this every time i say do this? I'm like, fuck. What was in my nose? What was in my nose? Hey, go like this. Every time somebody says, go like this, I'm like, oh my God. Oh my God. What was in my nose? An actual lobster?

Just. I might be nose whistle guy at night. I don't want to know. Okay. This might come off as bitter because I don't have kids and I really want them and it just hasn't happened yet. However, when couples have a baby and they go out for the first time, it's always the same caption. Mom and dad's first night out. I don't know why it annoys me. I love you. I love you. Again, I understand I probably just

sound bitter, but whenever I see mom and dad's night out, I just roll my eyes. It's so funny because I, that's the only thing that I can remember are like captions. And it's all, it always does happen like that. It's like five. I see five in a row that are just so, I'm like, what website did you get that from?

How about when somebody posts a picture in the captions? So like, I'm witty that you're like, okay, you stole that. Like, come on. You did not think of that obviously got it for dude I'll tell you like honestly though captions are the hardest thing to think of it really is somebody should start a caption service come me. I will caption your picture.

Five bucks every caption. I'd pay somebody $50,000. This is the one that gets me. I can't stand this. Every time a girl gets a new car. Made my first big girl purchase. You leased it. Ha. Ha. Ha. What should the caption be and it's always like a it's not even it's always like a brand like the year the the year that we're in 2024 but it's like a nissan ultima you're like okay like, it's not that cool.

So jealous. Made my first big girl purchase. Okay. All right, little Miss Boss Girl. Okay, CEO. Made my first big boy purchase. I don't really see it much from guys, but guys posting cars is so, that is so that is like i think that honestly man i think that's worse than the fish i know the fish is like but dudes dudes fishing is like a whole thing that alienates like 50 of guys

dude if you're holding a fish up in your profile picture guy just likes to fish if you're holding a fish up in your profile picture. Guy just likes to fish. That might be the guy you want, actually. But a guy with his car? Who gives a fuck? A guy leaning against a Corvette? Okay. Okay?

The thing that drives you around. I'm going to get so many girls with me leaning against my Corvette. Thing that drives me around. Okay. Alright, dude. Actually kind of gay.

Said it We received a collect call from Marion County Jail Emily To accept Press 1 Or hang up Beep Thanks for accepting my call.

Oh my God, that was so good. I got scared. I'm calling to put some disrespect on pork tenderloin sandwiches. I thought I was going to jail. I thought that was like, I've gone to jail and someone just exposed me on here. I just absolutely hate the ratio. Did that not sound like a answering machine? Hold on, dude.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Like the patty of the tenderloin. Run that back. Run that back. It's like the call from Mary. You received a collect call from Marion County Jail. That sounds exactly like a computer.

Emily, to accept, press 1 or hang up. Beep. Thanks for accepting my call. I'm calling to put some disrespect on pork tenderloin sandwiches. I just absolutely hate the ratio. Who's eating them? Like the patty of the tenderloin is like the size of my face while the bun is the size of my fist. And I've never actually, excuse me, they don't give us much water in here um I've never actually

ordered one um and I've never like really seen anyone eat one actually like now that I think about it because they're so impractical and also just get a fucking chicken sandwich. Why would you rather have breaded pork tenderloin over a chicken patty? It just doesn't make any sense. Thank you. And I think I'm just a little intimidated because you have 15 seconds. I think I'm just a little intimidated because I don't know how to eat one. So maybe one of these days I'll just give it a try, but I'll never stop disrespecting them. Thank God. I didn't know if I was going to jail that whole time or... Dude, who's eating...

Dude, the most popular food in the state of Indiana is pork tenderloin. I've never ever... I've lived in Indiana for 27 years. I've never seen one anywhere. I'm talking about I lived in Indiana. I've been to a lot of different counties in Indiana. I lived 27... I've pretty much been counties in Indiana. I lived 27 years.

I've pretty much been everywhere in Indiana. I mean, come on. But pretty kinda. I've never seen one. Hey, Indiana State Fair. Didn't see one pork tenderloin. And I was trying to find it. There's no trace of a pork tenderloin.

You know where I've only had a pork tenderloin? My high school cafeteria. We had a spicy chicken sandwich because I mean, every high school has a spicy chicken sandwich and they kind of go hard. A grilled chicken sandwich. Whatever hot lunch was that day

in pork tenderloin. And I thought pork tenderloin was just original chicken sandwich. And I got it every day for a year thinking I was eating chicken. It tasted just like chicken. Why wouldn't you just get a chicken? I want a pork tenderloin. I've never, I've never really understood pork. Like, yo, I want pork.

What? It seems so weird to want pork. Pork tenderloin. Indiana's known for pork tenderloin. That's like all over the internet. When you like search Indiana, there'll be like a picture of a pork tenderloin and Reggie Miller.

I'm like, bro, no one's ever. That's so, that's so funny. Who's a, who's buying this? Just saying. Put some disrespect on pork tenderloin. No one buys them. I can't even find them at the store. They're not even in like the Tyson frozen food section.

Let's keep going. Put some disrespect on some kanye fucking west fuck him and that's pretty much it yeah i'm a taylor boy so yeah fuck kanye dude it is weird that you can get like to a certain level of popularity I think where he can kind of do whatever he wants it's so crazy imagine that him and Antonio Brown doing whatever

they want at any point in time no consequences never apologizing. Never feel like they should either. I'm like, he's Kanye West, bro. How do you do that? Kanye, okay, 808s and heartbreaks.

I mean, that was like when Kanye West was a person though and I'm old and I'm old but how hard did that go you ever just throw on 808s and heartbreaks and just think there's like four songs on there that that like nobody talks about and I'm just like oh my god bro I used to work in a weight room obviously and just had kanye west 808s and heartbreak on repeat didn't know anything about kanye west didn't care about him but i memorized every single song of that and bought the CD. CD. He's old. Honestly, I'm not going to lie. Kanye West kind of did put Adidas on. Adidas was number one for two years because of Kanye West,

which is insane. You remember Ye era? Nike had to be like, oh shit. Okay, damn. We like need somebody. Nike has nobody. Kanye West went straight up to Adidas, sold out a whole entire arena,

had his like, his like clothing line drop with just the weirdest models. Do you remember those? models do you remember those where do you find those people was that ai before ai kanye west would just sell out the whole madison square garden the whole lower bowl was filled with like photographers and media people and there'd just be like 30 aliens on the court wearing like homeless clothes and he was like yeah who is he i don't know he doesn't even put on music anymore uh kanye os is like mtv when you're a kid you're like i love

this and now you're like where do you even find it what what's the point i gotta put disrespect on passwords password changing authentication whatever that word is codes having to change your passwords every three months having to make your password different by just one explanation point or question mark, but then them saying it's not different enough. So you have to think of something completely else and then you write it down and you forget where you wrote it down. So true. And then you have to get it sent to your email and then your email password, you can't remember. And so then you have to reset that. And then you go to reset that and pops up in a different browser. So then you go and put your code in and then you go back

to the email, but it's in a different browser. So you can't remember where exactly you need to put the code in. I'm just over it. I'm over passwords. I'm over having to change it. What do we do though? Every three months for work, I'm sick of having codes'm over having to change it. What do we do, though? Every three months for work. I'm sick of having codes that I have to put in. Can we just make it any simpler? I don't think so, though. Half of my life, half of my day is just remembering passwords. What the fuck?

I started doing this thing where I started changing my password recently. Now, and I'm like, why did I do that? I just can't. When you change your password and you forget what the password was, you just changed it to and it's like confirm password. And you're like, shit, what did I just do god how dumb am i and it's it's so easy to change a password that it's kind of like sketchy i'm like why was it that easy anybody could have just changed my password they sent the code to your phone though you idiot yeah but like what if somebody has my phone i love face id how about when your computer is like do you want to save this password

i'm like well who else is gonna see it like why am i so self-conscious about saving information on my computer i'm like uh like 13 other people use my computer. No one ever has been on my computer. And I'm still like, it's like, is this a safe device? I'm like, you know what? I'm not sure.

Who else is on here? Who's sneaking in my room? Always in my room. I make it my goal every single day to stay in my room as long as possible. What is that? I feel like we're all doing that. Right?

Even like kids that are like 23 and shit are like dudes, maybe dudes. Because video games really took off again thank god i know this has nothing to do with passwords but tell me if i'm wrong i know the demo for this podcast is probably like people that are like 28 into like 40 but are young people just trying to hang out in their rooms because that is so sick to me, dude. It's what I've wanted to do my whole life, dude. Anytime I'm out and about, it's against my will.

I've never wanted to be outside. No. Damn, I've never wanted to be outside. Do I have a problem? Goes to the gym and works out. I don't want to do it. Goes and does a show. I don't want to do it. Goes and does a show. I didn't want to do it.

Just being completely honest. Goes to the fair. I didn't want to. I'm only doing it just because it's my job. How come every time I have to do like something like kind of exhausting, like I gotta, I gotta,

I gotta post something. I gotta, I gotta change my password. This is what I have to do now. I have to lay on my back on my bed and do it. Cause I'm like, this is going to take all of me. This is going to take every molecule of my body.

When I really do it, I don't know why. I don't know how you guys can. She's right. I don't know how people can just willy nilly. Whitest thing ever. Willy nilly change their passwords like while they're walking around. Dude, if I have to change a password, i'm like this takes laser focus right now everybody like i gotta separate myself if i if i don't know how i think people are actual geniuses sometimes it takes me so long to do everything because i'm

like what if i what if i mess it up dude people will be like people will just kind of like casually post something on instagram i'm like bro i need complete silence i need an hour i need to make sure all these things are right like what like how are you the other day somebody goes you take so long to post videos i'm like bro this is literally my entire identity like you're not like concerned like maybe a little bit you spell a word wrong dude that tears my soul apart i didn't pick the right cover picture fuck i'm a buffoon i'm literally a buffoon then at 50 000 times still forget every time. Passwords though. This is the funniest thing to me of all time ever.

Here, you can either create your own password or we'll just give you one. All right, just give me one. And the password is... Hi, hi, hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi!

Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! Hi! zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero zero okay yeah i should be able to remember that huh what what and you're asking me you're making sure i'm not a robot and you're giving me that password you know what that password looks like the most robotic thing i've ever seen in my entire life. Are you a robot? Nah.

Well, here's your password. Somebody, zero, zero. Hi. Zero, zero. Hi.

Six, six, six, six, six devil. Like, can we get it can we that password is for robots god everything about it just face id face id face id they're gonna take your identity and use it against you in the future do it take my take my i take my whole face take my whole face

put it on someone else let them live my life as long as i don't have to remember one more thing for the rest of eternity please please please please please just keep going. Put some disrespect on something. So, what deserves disrespect? Slow walkers get hit by a bus by all four wheels. Bachelor and bachelorette parties, who do you think you are? Work snitches. Jump off the building head first, please. People who don't know how to mind their business blow up. Just literally blow up.

And the last one, not many will get, but some will get, and it could be educational. When a white guy is like, oh, I've never been with a black girl before. Have you been with a white guy before? I am drier than cooking flour. I hope a skunk sprays you. So good. That right there, that was a rap song.

That right there, rap song, whitest thing I've ever said. That was rapping on the Espresso podcast. So. Bro, every time, every single week when I hear, i'm like that's the drop you know at the beginning of a song you hear listen to the tracks bitch and you're like this is gonna be a heater that's listen to the tracks that's her listen to the track so i'm like here we go bars headphones off is there one person that doesn't

have an airpod in one guy show me one man without an airpod in sometimes i'm like i'm the only person that's just like here's stuff right now downtown wherever we are hollywood i'm the only person that has two ears open bro in the gym's crazy too oh my god no it's so quiet in the gym and i'm like this is unbelievable then i was like oh it's because everyone is listening to a podcast right now that's so crazy to me i sort of got every single day i'm the only one in the gym with with open ears i can just hear everybody fart that's all i want you like go to the gym all the time like why because i want to hear what that boo-boo do so so

so so so so so so so so so so you're like insane no that's what i do every single day with every single word i hear so so so so so so so so so so thank you slow walkers, bro. Hey. I don't want to shoot you in the back of the head. Intrusive thought. Four wheels. Bachelor and bachelorette parties. I think there's a thing going on right now where people are like,

why are we still doing bachelor and bachelorette parties and keep that going? Keep that going. Captain brag over here. I've never been to one. Oh, I did go to one because it was like in Indianapolis. I was like, yeah,

I can handle this. But when bachelor parties are like in Nashville and shit, I'm like, dude, Hey, my bachelor parties are like in Nashville and shit, I'm like, dude. Hey, my bachelor party's in Chicago. Thanks for making my decision. You can Chicago without me. Oh, God.

Almost passed out. Almost passed out. Drops dead. That's how I'm gonna die oh my god how'd he die uh he did a johnson line and he put a gun in his mouth oh this guy uh kind of dark nah that's that shit is so funny to me um anytime someone does this, anytime someone says something

or looks at you like while someone else is talking, dude, if someone's talking and I look at you and you go like this, all respect, I will Venmo you $100. Oh my God, are you like rich?

No, that's just how much it means to me. If I don't have a hundred dollars and you look at me while someone's talking and you go i'll venmo you a hundred dollars wouldn't that mean you're in debt yes but that's how much it means to me put a gun in my mouth and smack my ass oh my god dude I was waiting for that I wasn't gonna say it cause I was like maybe she's done doing that But it's back

I'm probably gonna get A lot of hate for this And strike a nerve Um And this is coming from someone who has lived in New England All their life But I think something that needs Some disrespect

And that it's overrated is Dunkin' Donuts. Dunks. Dunkies. Whatever you want to call it. Fully on board. I never understood the hype of Dunkin' Donuts

and why everybody loves Dunkin' Donuts. I've been a Starbucks girly all my life. I love Starbucks. I've been a Starbucks girly all my life. I love Starbucks. I would rather pay the extra money to have a coffee that tastes like coffee rather than go to Dunkin Donuts. I think their coffee tastes like water, even the dark roast, which I don't, I don't know how that happens. Uh, I think their food is like mediocre at best. It's gross. Somewhat gross.

Yes. And I don't understand the fascination. There isn't one. And this was sparked by me at the airport this morning at 3 a.m. Dude, yes. Trying to just get a Starbucks coffee. And I passed by two or three dunkin donuts and i literally had to go to what i what felt like the other side of the airport just to get my starbucks

and all i wanted was a coffee from starbucks that's all i wanted Because I was tired. And I was about to get on a plane. But. That. Yeah. That's what I think needs some disrespect. Dude. You couldn't have put it any better. I love it when you guys just come out here.

And just. Say it all. God dang. I know exactly what you're talking about i feel like i was at the airport with you because sometimes dunkin donuts is just the one by your gate and you're like oh god like i guess i guess i'll get their ice coffee and it's like not that good kind of a little too syrupy i'm not like a coffee snob or anything i don't even know what coffee's supposed to taste like anymore because all i drink is starbucks i just like i get the bag with the ground up coffee and make coffee and i'm like this is coffee i have no idea what other coffee tastes like like i don't know i guess the first time i ever had coffee it was starbucks and the last time i ever had coffee

it was starbucks is there another one pete's pete's why is it 11 all those other coffees too like the when you go to the bag coffee in the grocery store because you're trying to like save money but you need coffee because or else is there any other point to to waking up and doing anything god dang it dude i've had coffee every single day every day nah i've had i've skipped a couple days but if there's a day where i don't have coffee i like tell people oh my god i'm so lame i'm like, the first thing I'll say to you after a day with no coffee, the first thing I'll say to you, bro, I didn't have coffee yesterday. Who cares?

Telling people if you've had coffee or not is the new whistling. Who cares, dude? There's a, just imagine this, that there's people out there that don't drink coffee. What do they do? They have to have like uh auto erotic i don't even know the word but you know what i mean they they're like doing something weird

you don't drink coffee what are you doing then what are you doing i know what you're doing you're putting your you have an apple in your mouth you're roped up with 40 feet of rope and you're you're spinning yourself on a pole over a fire that's that's what you're doing yeah i don't drink coffee wow that guy is man that guy is on his thing right there that dude is doing it right no coffee man, man. No caffeine addiction. Wish I could be like him someday. Cut to him getting rotisserie over a fire like a pig. Oh, that's your coffee. Okay. Everybody has a coffee. Just keep it coffee. Dude, people that are like, nah, I don't't drink coffee and you just see him drinking a

like the dirtiest energy drink from a gas station i'm like yo you're that's a that's that's a beer honestly i was thinking about it my energy drink's probably worse than beer like a full monster i can't even explain what that would do to me you know what you do to me. So many people with sugar-free Red Bull, too. I'm like, dog, that's just WD-40, homie. Dunkin' Donuts food. You ever like starving at the airport?

I'm always something at the airport. I'm always starving. I'm always dead tired. And I don't really like it when I have a lot of energy I purposely at the airport when I when I just try not to have any energy like I think that's why I'll stay up the whole night before a flight got a flight at 6 a.m. staying up till 3 3 a.m. why do you do that to yourself so I'm dead tired on the plane I don't know, I don't want to be awake or alive on a plane. I just want to be like, I want to be nose whistle gang on a plane. That's what I'm saving my nose whistle for me.

I'm playing. I want to be a conductor. I want to have a handlebar mustache on a plane, right? When I sit down on a plane, handlebar mustache, nose whistling, dead asleep. Dunkin' Donuts food is so gross. I was starving at the airport. Only thing there, Dunkin' Donuts. I'm like, okay. Can I get two everything bagels? I know they're going to suck, but just please with double egg white.

And they're kind of like, what? And I'm like, Oh my God, let me, let me just say it louder and embarrass myself to everything. Bagels with double egg white. That's it.

In an iced coffee. The biggest one you have. I get that. I get the two everything bagels with two egg whites take the bagels off throw them in the trash so i just have four egg whites they're so gross but i i just scarf them down because i'm like it had to be some kind of like protein in there right these are just eggs right i was like i think i just i think there was plastic still on them just gobbled them down dunkin donuts food kind of gross who's eating donuts one

that's like their thing or they try to get away with it or get away from it they're like we're not dunkin donuts anymore we're just dunkin yeah how come all the donuts are on display munchkins probably the best part of dunkin donuts staruts. Starbucks, so much better, dude. So much better. And I don't even know if it's good, but it's so much better. God, I've been waiting for a time to just pop off about this. Tell me, sis.

And I really hope that you and your listeners know what I'm referring to when I say teacher, Amazon, wishlist. Oh, baby. We got to throw some disrespect on them. In what world does any profession find themselves so righteous enough to be like, hey. Love it. Tell them.

You know what I'm going to do today? I'm a teacher, by the way. So I don't feel guilty about this whole rant. You know what I'm going to do today? So I don't feel guilty about this whole rant. You know what I'm going to do today? I'm going to go to Amazon and I'm going to actually take time and make a whole list of things that I'm going to then share with people. It is insane. I thought about this yesterday.

And be like, hi, I'm Tracy from Dallas and I'm a teacher to special needs children and these are the things that I need for my classroom and I would really appreciate it if you could share it with your million followers. Like in what world is that okay? Number one, I'm cringing for the profession of teaching. The whole act of teacher wishlist is just so cringe worthy. Number two, I'm a teacher and I get sent other teachers wishlists on Instagram. The way I would send this back. And they're like, hi, would you mind sharing my teacher wishlist? And I'm like, hi, fellow teacher here. Nice to meet you. And like no response. I'm like, so wait, you're now going to ask someone that you follow that you don't even know as a teacher to share your wishlist. Like if you,

if you apply this concept to any other profession, it is so beyond embarrassing. Like picture yourself like content creator, comedian, making a wishlist and then like shooting it out on your Instagram and being like, hey guys, I just made this Amazon, just made this Amazon wishlist. Like, you know, I got my ring light. I got, I need a new camera, a management team. Like it's all on my Amazon wishlist. If you guys could just like share it out, that would be great. Imagine. Or like a doctor being like, yo, can I get, can I get a new stethoscope? Like any other profession, it blows my mind. And if you click the teacher wishlist,

it's not like notebooks, pencils, sharp. Sorry, I have no idea where this thing cut me off. But basically when I clicked this teacher, quote unquote teacher, because who knows who these people are, by the way. When I clicked this quote unquote teacher's wish list, it was not supplies. It was like swivel chairs, area rugs, table lamps, string lights, art. I was like, wait, are you decorating your classroom? This is for your goddamn living room. What's going on? I feel like it's the biggest scam going around the internet right now.

And like all these like, you know, better than now, holier than now, if you will, influencers are now like reporting out that like they bought from this teacher's wishlist and please click this link and help this teacher. And like, again, I'm a teacher. So like, I feel like I'm valid in saying this. It is just so cringe worthy for the teaching community. Buy your own shit. You don't need much to be a good teacher you just need to be like funny and like cool literally you don't need all the shit okay i'm going clearly this has gotten underneath my skin bye i love you i love you more deletes amazon wish list Can you imagine? What would I need? A new wig for video I'm going to do where I'm a single mom. That's like my wish list.

A swivel chair for my desk because I've been sitting on a weight bench for the past six weeks. Who cares? I like don't get paid. Teachers, hey, hey, I got no room to talk, but espresso podcast, we got to get them out. Teachers that complain on not getting paid enough and they make wish lists to like for people to buy

them stuff, go to a different school that pays you more. I don't know. Right? stuff go to a different school that pays you more i don't know right um damn wish list dude who do you think you are who do you think you are here's my all the stuff i want here's my christmas list just buy me it who are you and you know what you know what that you know what you do teachers psa you don't make a wish list you make the kids in your class buy you that shit you don't put it on the internet you need kleenex boxes and paper towels for your room they bring in all the school on the first day

supplies list for a teacher swivel chairs area rug dude buy that shit yourself how come when i was growing up some old some old head how come when i was growing up dude there was like a corner in every classroom of my of my like room homeroom that was like a lounge i was like damn i want mrs Norris because she has the cool classroom. And in the corner, she has the big rug. She decked it out. There's inflatable chairs.

There are string lights. That's like the lit corner. I want to go in that room. Because she put her heart and soul into the classroom. Buy me this stuff. A rug is $50. Just, just, just. I think you got it.

I think you got it. Amazon wishlist. Influencers have them too. What do you need? What do you need? A book? Just buy the book. Why do I not want people to know what I want either? Ew. New phone let's keep going and won't load and won't load

and won't load and every time I'm in public and I hear someone on FaceTime on speaker with somebody or watching TikTok or Instagram with full volume, I want to take their phone and just throw it against the wall. I wish somebody would just do that once.

Oh, my God, your phone's too loud. Every noise that comes out of my phone is the most embarrassing noise I've ever heard in my God. Your phone's too loud. Every noise that comes out of my phone is the most embarrassing noise I've ever heard in my life. Doing pull-ups at the gym. My sleepy time alarm goes off that I snooze 58,000 times doing pull-ups at the gym. Most I've never been more embarrassed. I almost left. I almost said sorry to everybody and left the gym. Holy shit. You guys know everything about me.

You might as well just see my whole ass. There are people that will watch TikToks. You're growing up. I don't know. There's this girl in college that we'd all be hanging out, she'd just be in the corner watching tix full blast full full blast full i'm like you're the you're the girl that whistles you're the girl that whistles you're the girl that hums tell us you won attention without telling us full blast full blast speaker

phone in line i've been that guy before i feel so bad but like if i am that guy for some reason i'm on speakerphone in public i at least make sure that i'm like saying something like kind of entertaining because i'm like everybody's listening fuck and even if not i don't think everybody's listening to me at all times i'm not like not like on some ego thing everybody's listening to me but like if someone's on the phone in public i don't care who they are it could be a homeless person i'm gonna listen to it like what are they talking about i at least make sure it's like something kind of good but people that can get on speakerphone in public and just talk about like their personal life so crazy to me I think or where the hell was

I the other day oh I was I was I had to be at a note i think i was at an open mic and it hasn't started yet five minutes till it starts we're all in there and some guy just gets on the phone and starts like talking about personal stuff not not like crazy personal shit but just like oh my god okay so I was at my sister's, and I'm looking around the room like, are you fucking serious right now? Like, dude. Right here, in here, and no one else is like,

I just want one person to look up when that happens to you and be like, dude, shut up and i think like that because it happened to me one time i was ordering pizza on the phone in college three dudes in a living room two dudes playing a video it's just the most college guy thing ever you know it's stupid shitty shitty apartment. Two guys playing video games on the couch. I'm on the other couch trying to order a pizza just on the phone. Hey, what kind of toppings?

We'll take one with light cheese. I look up because I'm like, is this order right? I look up. My friend goes, get the fuck out of here. I was like, what am I doing, dude? I just went to the bathroom

and started placing the order again. Just because it was now every time I'm on the phone, I'm like, I have to like, I have to be like in a like a totally different environment to be on the phone in public. Watching TikTok in public. Are you insane? Dude, I watch TikTok only when I'm dead ass by myself. 100% solo. Solo bedtime.

I designate an hour of my day to be completely away from everyone watching TikTok. You're doing it in public. Imagine like going down your TikTok rabbit holes at like 2 p.m. in public. How are people like that still alive? What? Just, just like, dude, when I'm on TikTok, I am like a iPad kid. But I make sure no one has ever,

no one's ever seen that side of me no one will ever see that side of me even like you ever laying down by like your girl or something this has happened to me before obviously in like you know you're you got you're with your girlfriend you're laying down next to him like about to go to sleep i can't even watch tikt TikTok on my phone then. I'm like, I kind of don't want you to know what my four, not that my 4U page is like, but I'm like, yo, this is like kind of weird if I'm just,

right now my whole 4U page is just about Wolverine and X-Men and I cannot get enough of it. I'm like, I don't really want you to like kind of in my like thing right now. Maybe I'm weird, but I don't likeiktok or doing anything about anything in public i'm like who are you to just i i just will never have enough confidence to just talk on the phone and it's so weird i'm gone bro i'm on the phone i'm gone, bro. I'm on the phone. I'm gone. What do I hate? I freaking hate pennies.

Like, what's the goddamn point? Who cares? Stop making them. Love you. Jesus Christ. God, I love it. On some bougie. Man, I've done this before and i felt so bad you ever just throw a penny away i feel like i've done it like twice in my life but i had like eight cents one time in my hand

and i was just like fuck this dude threw it away i was like i don't know bro it's just gonna be in my pocket's gonna fall out of my pocket in my car it's making my hands smell i hate i think i wash my hands 84 times a day because they smell 95 times a day there hasn't been one time where my not great my keys just everything ew change why i mean you can't stop making pennies man hey you ever see like a nice penny though on some grandpa shit on some grandpa type beat you see a nice penny it's like real shiny you're like did somebody put some vinegar on this thing what are we doing i'll keep that it looks clean but how come like 98 of pennies i'm like is this a piece of tar on the ground or a penny they're all so like beat to hell god i can't remember the last time I paid

with a penny. Not even like a vending machine. Dude, big dudes always have change. You ever notice that? Big dudes always have a pocket full of pennies and nickels and shit.

I'm like, for for what big guys always have like cash on them change on them i'm like what do you need that for dude what dude you ask you ask a dude homeless guys i wonder if i wonder what the end with the what it's like what the analysis is for homeless guys. Who's got the most change on them, bro? A homeless guy sees a big dude walking? A big guy walking, that's a walking 75 cents. Those guys have change on them. Remember when people used to ask you if you had change for a dollar?

You'd be like, and sometimes you'd actually be like, yeah. Hey, can you break this 20? I'm like, what bro? When people, I used to work at a fruit stand,

set it 17,000 times. People would come up to my fruit stand, my fruit stand. Like I owned it. People would come up to the fruit stand and be like, yo, will you break this? And I'd be like, dude, just no. They'd be like, what do you mean? I'd be like, I owned it. People would come up to the fruit stand and be like, yo, will you break this? And I'd be like, dude, just no.

They'd be like, what do you mean? I'd be like, I just did. You're going to scam me. Like, just don't, bro. Just do not. I don't have an. You as a big guy. Hey, can you break this 20?

That dude will start licking his fingers and shit you want half cash half change bro a walking a big guy is just a walking ATM they got everything on them what deserves all the disrespect if you know you now

if you don't know, now you're going to know. Underwear. Why do we have it? Why do we need it? Who's buying that shit? It's a waste of money. Waste of laundry. Big undies.

Needs to go down. Big boxer needs to go down. Big briefs. Try them them all they're all uncomfortable either too tight too loose to where you get wet you get like all this wedgie discomfort kind of where you get wedgies that are too tight and then the in between it's still like a little a little too much a little too baggy or a little too tight like too many clothes it doesn't really work so uh fuck underwear also a very personal one uh yeah fuck people who stole my car and it's crazy they did gta shit with it it was like some bonnie and clyde fucking bullshit it was like these you know people that are fueled by their love for drugs and

they just apparently did weird shit with my car like? And it was in a pursuit like three hours away. And months later, I'm still dealing with it. Need for speed. Hot pursuit. GTA. Nah, dude. I'm looking for an ETA. On when you're getting me another beer.

Maybe an IPA. Classic, dude. Ends it with a Johnson. Bro's a legend on the podcast. Not just a legend, though though he's one of my buds almost passed out almost died and seeing stars oh ah sorry i'm surprised okay uh damn dude how to get broken it like where was it parked when people get their car stolen i'm like where was it parked when people get their car stolen i'm like

where was it every time somebody gets their car stolen i'm like did you park in a junkyard like how did that happen my car is being stolen right now and definitely they're driving to west virginia for some reason underwear i don't even wear this is crazy i don't care anymore i don't wear compression shorts i i opt out every single morning i go to the gym i'm like i'm not wearing compression shorts today it's just too much i don't need all that clothing i don't need it is it like what does it like move around? No, dude, it's just normal. Like it just, no one's going to see it.

They're short. I have shorts on. I still have shorts on. Who is, who in their right mind is like looking up my shorts? Like probably it would probably would happen at the Hollywood LA fitness. But, uh, and maybe it's just cause it's too hot but i'm like dude i don't need and it's just sometimes maybe i got fat but like compression maybe i'm a bitch i'm like compression shorts are too tight that's the whole point but i put on compression shorts and i'm like i'm like golly

i don't need them. I stopped. Who's 2024? We're still wearing underwear. Who's wearing underwear? It's like so much going on. Let me it's just let me wear two pairs of shorts. Not once in my life have I ever seen a man sitting down and been like, wow, I can see everything up there or a woman because i'm looking but is it needed i think underwear is a scam

i get it sometimes like uh when did i actually need compression shorts like i i don't chafe ever because my legs are just used to it i don't need it's just fine and the gym is insane but i'm like dude i don't need that i don't need it boxer briefs can you even imagine putting those on and like boxers what dude every time i wear boxers i'm like this how would you ever just wear these for a full day boxers so much material there's like buttons and i don't know man it's just a lot of stuff i don't need on there benny what's up huge fan of the pod huge fan of these guys love you uh something that needs disrespect i'm gonna say paying tolls uh i mean i guess i understand why they have it i don't uh you know we gotta help pay for construction and

everything but i do feel like we get taxed enough for it. That should cover it. For sure. I don't know. I live in New Jersey. There's just way too many tolls, especially just to travel from one place in New Jersey to another place. It just seems stupid. Like, I'm not trying to pay $1.50 just to go see my Aunt Barbara that lives 45 minutes away.

Well, thank you. I love you. Dude, these are all anonymous, but you can put a name in there if you want. Some people don't care and they put their names, which is sick. Because I'm like, oh, that's her? This dude put Brett Favre's chin strap. And that's all I think about. These guys.

But I just, the way I've messed up on tolls so many times. I might owe $2,000 to some random state because I accidentally went in like the Sun Pass lane. I was like, oh shit. Like I can't, like that tolls are like one of those things that I'm like, we like I can't like that tolls are like one of those things that I'm like we're still doing that can I just pay $70 every year to never have to think about a toll again what and sometimes and honestly until like last year I drove to Chicago with Joey and his dad

and I don't know maybe I'm insane but Joey and his dad was like I don't know, maybe I'm insane, but Joey and his dad was like, Oh shit, do we have any change? And I was like, we have to pay with quarters and shit. What year is it? Now we're talking about, do you have a penny on you? I was like,

honestly, honestly, I cannot remember. Can you pay with like Apple pay on a toll thing? Cause that's insane. If you if you oh i can't go hey can the guy behind me get me i don't have like uh two dollars and fifty cents can the guy behind me like like bro sorry what if it dude my biggest fear ever i think is just being stuck at a toll thing i'm like uh i guess let me go out and find like uh 60 cents on the ground out here

it's so weird to me dude oh my god it's such a nightmare when you have to go through a toll and you don't know oh my god i don't have any fucking money i had to go through a toll one time with my dad bro my dad's one of those guys that doesn't know shit like he knows a lot of stuff but like he doesn't know like oh shit there's a toll like he doesn't like my dad's really bad at like time changes me too who's not people that know time changes i'm like you gotta be a genius so i drive an hour to ohio the time changes and i have to pay on the way there i'm like i'm not going to ohio why don't you leave your house because everything's how am i supposed to know anything this is crazy dude my dad me and my dad were going to chicago i don't know what what the hell we're doing my dad had to pay a toll bro oh my lord the noises that came out of this man

yeah yeah good jesus crush bad shoulder obviously torn rotator cuff every dad ever ah god golly i mean what the hell do you have any do you have it do you have it god hold on i gotta look that opens the middle console just fucking 16 000 five hour energies pop up. Oh, God. Hold on. Where's my credit card? You can't pay it through your credit card. I know, but I think I left it at the restaurant. Just... I'm like, dude's giving birth? That's so crazy.

So crazy. Had to open his door. Who's ever pulled up to a toll in like the right amount of space and like was able to like pay right out the window that's amazing i'm really bad at that paying anything out my window horrible my dad opened the door hit his door on the fucking metal toll thing god i was like this is just honestly the worst like thing i've ever seen like all this for a dollar 25 and everybody has to pee at the same time i'm like this is so crazy what are we doing Just, can you send me your email and I'll just email you the money? Venmo, Venmo, Venmo, Venmo.

Hey, instead of tolls, just Venmo, Ohio. $2 to go. Or do you get fined $10 tomorrow? I'd be like, okay. I might even forget and take the deal. $10. $10. forget and take the deal. Ten.

I love you disrespectful Milky boy. Wow. Milky on the beat. Wow. Oh. Thought it. So, I'm gonna go ahead and disrespect the hell out

of the DMV. Insane. The Department of the DMV. Insane. The Department of Major Virgins. No, dude, let me tell you, those narcs, okay? Virgins. The nerds were like, yeah, the teacher didn't ask for homework, but I'm going to make sure I say it anyway because they did it like a nerd. Dude, I go to register my car.

Dude, my friend, wink, wink, nudge, nudge, Bob's uncle, goes to register his car, right? He tells me. Now, this is Johnny Georgia, not to be confused with Tommy Florida. So Johnny Georgia tells Tommy Florida, hey, we're from Georgia to Florida. And all that's to say, move from Georgia to Florida. Forgets to register the license plate, the car. So then, what do you do to register the car? You go to the DMV, to the DMOV.

Once you get there, these assholes say, hey, so you need to pay basically 500, you need to make two car payments worth of money just to get a freaking license plate. My guy, the license plate is like half a mite. Do you know what a mite is? Half a penny. It's a Jewish currency, I think, or I may have made that up. Anyway, you're talking two cents of aluminum that they stamp with a number. That's it, and a piece of paper.

So confusing to me. The grand total of the supplies, four cents. The time to do it, five seconds. And you're telling me i need to pay you 500 macaroons for that not to mention shit tom happy running out is it i don't know anyway we'll just rock it till the wheels fall off so i'm gonna go to the move the dmv every freaking year do the same damn thing. Who knows? Well, what I heard from Tommy Florida is that they don't have to do emissions in Florida for your car.

So you just go. The majority do. Point being, I don't think it's fair or right. On top of that, 70% of taxes will be paid every other way. They have to spend $500 when you move to a new state to register your car with the local DMV. And then each year after $30 just to prove, hey, this piece of paper still says it's still valid. Like, that's such a scam, dude. Anyway, I'm out.

Ha ha, fuck. It's this bitch. Ha ha ha. They landed it. I love you Milky Boy disrespectfully whoa I don't understand anything that

happens with the DMV anything that goes on there how those people are working there what the documents mean anything about it I got pulled over the other day because i was on my phone because i didn't know where i was going so annoying like i don't know bro what do you want me to do i have no idea where i'm going get off your phone how would i ever know

where to go if i was off my i don't know but uh he was like license and registration and i was like license got it registration um i think there's like 54 registrations in my glove box here's all of them am i super unorganized i guess here's mine hopefully it's it's not past the due date. Is this a quiz? Is it still good? I'm like, it's like it's an apple or banana in my glove box. I'm like, I don't know if this is.

You want this thing or what? I don't know if it's ripe or ready or whatever. When does it renew? I don't know. Shit, dude. I'm four years old hey salute these might if you're this person um comment below please the people that go to the dmv and they know enough information and are prepared enough to do the self checkout DMV thing. There's like self checkout for DMV. Now I went to a DMV, BMV, no clue what, what is it? And there's like a do it yourself thing outside. And I'm like, bro, if you know how to, to do that thing,

you are next level citizen. You should, hey, qualifications for president. Can you do the self DMV thing? Are you telling me you put documents in there? Birth certificate? Am I? 600 years old? That seems insane. Even when people are putting cash into a self-checkout machine at the grocery store, I'm like, are you sure you can do that?

Who's doing that? I'm like, I don't even think you need the food anymore, bro. Like, this is ridiculous. I might be stupid but imagine just going to the DMV once and you're good to go every time I have to go to the DMV which is like the most

like exhausting experience of my entire life every time I go to the DMV I have to take a nap for two hours when I get home just to cleanse my head of what just happened. I'm like, whoa, bro. The people in here are just what? DMV is just Walmart. This is Walmart. This is Walmart customer service line. This whole thing. Everything. And no shade on Walmart, but it's just like, dude, it's the Wild West. I don't know.

Last one. Okay. This is actually a much better one, so if you're already playing it, tough shit. We're getting the old two for baby, the old two for three for. Okay. I don't agree for years. I thought there's a different band than i originally thought so whoever the hell doesn't like creed saw it off step on a piece of glass and shove it up

your ass my guy creed slaps okay you're telling me when you hear i know you don't just get a hard-on for whatever for whatever the hell Norwegian accent this guy's singing with. Dude. I know. Come on. I mean, really? Come on. Play it again.

Copyright. Copyright. Hold up. everything has changed copyright hold up this very quickly turned into karaoke Tuesday fuck it baby girl creed they never went away they've always slapped alright that's all just this bitch dude I feel like a ghost

was just moving my entire desk that was insane uh ghosts in here i'll be done in a sec every dude oh my god is this the 20th time i've done my podcast and been scared shitless this is so crazy if you're an og express fam i've done this podcast and been so scared probably like nine times oh my god just always by myself terrified in a room seeing shit here we go again um yeah dude people that don't i mean i think everybody likes creed now everybody liked them didn't like them and everybody if you're if you're like one of those people you have to you have to like you have to say yes you have to say yes now there's not one person that would be like i don't really i hate it no man creed nickelback all those

bands we talked about it last week it's just like a chain restaurant you can't hate it. No, man. Creed, Nickelback, all those bands. We talked about it last week. It's just like a chain restaurant. You can't hate it. This is actually exactly what I want. Perfect. Cheesecake Factory, Creed. Same thing. All right.

Dear Diary. same thing all right dear diary hey i think i love i never thought i'd say this in my life i think i love this is some super adult shit i think i love facebook marketplace i don't know. I don't know. It's so fun. Never thought I would say this. I bought two beanbag chairs because I wanted to have different living room furniture. I don't want to L couch. You know what I mean? I just hate the cat. I don't think I'm ever going to buy a couch. I just came to terms with it. I'm never going to buy a couch. I need some furniture. i don't want a big ass chair couches are i'm just done bro i don't think i've ever i've had so many couches in my life none of them have been mine and i've never sat on it for more than six minutes okay no no sometimes i did sleep on the couch man there's nothing better than sleeping on the couch

holy shit Man, there's nothing better than sleeping on the couch. Holy shit. Kind of miss that. It's just like a party when you sleep. Anytime you sleep somewhere other than your own bed, you're just like... Then the minute you wake up, you're like, I need to go to my own bed. So I got two beanbag chairs with two ottomans order them off amazon does anybody else have this problem where they order something off amazon and it's a hundred percent not the size they thought it was or the thing they thought it was order two beanbag chairs um they look like two dog beds

okay so i'm like what do i do okay i want to ship them back to amazon cool um i have to buy a box to put them in there's no boxes that fit the size of the chairs. I'm like, okay, so I got to go to a custom box place. All right. We have boxes this big. Cool. What time do you close? 6 p.m. It's 528 p.m. And for some reason, just on the most guy thing ever, I'm like, I can get anywhere at any time whenever I want. It takes 30 minutes to get there. I pull up to the custom box store to ship my chairs in these custom boxes. It's 6.01 PM. There's a gate across the door. I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude, all this for some

beanbag chairs. So now I'm like, you know what? what i'm gonna sell them on facebook marketplace make this big post cool awesome selling two chairs and ottomans dude i should post this on uh instagram actually he's a mom now um three hundred dollars if you're interested sat in them once they'd be honestly on some real on some real life they'd be good for like a 15-year-old. It would slap. If I was 15, I'd be like, put that in the corner of my room right now. I'm going to put all my clothes in it and never sit on it again. And I'm going to see demons sit on it at night. That's the kind of chair it is.

Not bad, though. I do want to sit in them when I see them. I'm trying to sell them now. He's trying to sell the chairs right now on his podcast. $300, two beanbag chairs with Ottomans on Facebook marketplace. Put the listing out. Maybe 25 people hit me up. Every single one of them. Are these still available? Yes, still available. No one says anything after that what is that what is what am i doing what 25 people are just as indecisive as me

are these available yes silence for days i'm like okay i mean uh you want them i don't know it's just like it's fun it's fun i guess it's not fun anymore it's fun to like see the message oh i got a bunch of messages oh my god maybe that's why people love facebook marketplace i'm like i'm getting so much attention just one message every six hours that says are these still available i go yes they are exclamation point nothing else for the rest of time cringe moment of the week hey back to to underwear this is so funny okay i filmed a youtube dating show because i'm not saying no who am i to say no to uh like a casting thing youtube dating show all right let's do it

um i'm down cool it's like a it's like a blind dating thing the the girl asked questions there's six guys she has no idea who they are i'm one of them she asked like a random question and we get the questions beforehand so we have time to think about them and she's like i used to be a cheerleader can any of you do the splits is a question that we might have to answer so i'm thinking i'm like how could i can't do the splits if i try the splits my jeans are already ripping they're gonna rip so i'm thinking okay hey she asked the question can anyone do the splits i take off my jeans boom i have whitey tighties on and i do the splits kind of funny what what, hey, don't take your pants, why does he have,

he can do the split, that'd be crazy to me, so I'm like, I'm doing it, full sin, buy whitey tighties, strap them on, elastic waistband,

snap, put the jeans on over the top film the show she never asks the question she never asks i should do 5 000 things after the show cringe moment of the week i just wore whitey tighties for 24 hours and i've never felt better it just felt like for the first time in my entire life, I was loved. It just felt like someone was hugging me the whole day. I was like, Jesus Christ. Thank God she never asked that question, bro i like honestly though my jeans are ripping up the seam and i hate when that happens have you ever had a pair of jeans that doesn't

i'm not wearing like spandex jeans i'm wearing loose like mom dad jeans like 90s jeans is my is my jean vibe right now i loved. I'm very proud of my genes. Like, am I doing gymnastics? Gene-nastics? Guy who just had a stroke. Right up the seam.

Every pair of jeans I've ever had. Alright. Let's do days and I'll shut up. Pickleball Thursday today. Pickleball day. I got no hate on pickleball. I got nothing to say about pickleball. Uh, it's, I didn't think it'd blow up like this. Honestly. Uh, we played it in high school one time. You know, you play the, you know, you have high school pe high school pe gotta be the craziest like honestly the just most chaotic unhinged portion of your day you're a freshman in high school everything's just bullets are flying already i don't know my locker combo first day what are we doing am i allowed to wear this where are the classrooms

isn't it crazy when you're a freshman in high school? I felt like everybody already. I was like, are you guys seniors? Where the yeah, you're in classroom 313 for history. Where is that? Oh, hey, just one more thing. You have 30 seconds to get there. Make sure your shirt's tucked in.

I'm like, what am I in the army? What is this? Is this a horror movie? This is a movie where the kid doesn't know anything oh yeah and you got pe first period uh no one knows anything uh just just walk in there i guess dude all high school i was like what how do you guys know everything am i allowed to just walk in the gym what the what where is everyone there's no line leader I was like we just walk in here

and then there's like games that your teacher like like bro your PE teacher one day will be like all right playing basketball this week cool playing baseball next week cool and this week we're just playing this game me and my dad made up one time I'm like all right Jim is just just the the twitter of high school you're just like I don't know what's happening in here but this is Kate this is honestly k i could get yelled at at any second for anything or throw a basketball out of girl's face point blank we're playing basket foot what is that my dad made it up okay and we have a test on it with the rules i'm like what are we doing? And one day he was like, all right, this week we're playing pickleball.

And I was like, not another one. Not another one. What is this, a sport they play on SpongeBob? Pickleball? Paired me up with a kind of athletic, savvy big guy. Sneaky athletic big guy. Love him to death, dude. Sneaky athletic big guy is my favorite guy ever because they're cool too.

They kind of have a game. You know what I mean? Sneaky athletic. Like a big guy that you're like, I don't know. But then you pass him a basketball and he does it between the legs behind the back and lays it kind of smooth. And you're like, oh, you're that kind of big guy.

Okay. between the legs behind the back and like lays it like kind of smooth and you're like oh you're that kind of big guy okay all of a sudden he's funny you're like i love you bro i love a big guy man okay sing i've ever said and uh got paired up with him and i was like dude we you know what let's just let's just give it a shot i've never had more fun in my life in pe class we played pickleball for two weeks at the end of the first week i was like yo that was a fun ass week in pe bro we like ran like we were have you know when you have a pe class where you're playing a game and it's like it's like oh my it's like competitive and you're like bro i like this you kind of miss it the next day you're like dude p.e tomorrow's gonna go crazy you don't tell anybody though because it's p.e p.e's about to go crazy tomorrow you wear your good shoes for p.e you wear your yay you wear your best underwear for p.e at the end of the pickleball week we're like man sick. Yeah, maybe we'll get paired up again. Me and this savvy big dude.

Next Monday. Hey, we're playing pickleball for the whole week again. Yes! Then I look at the big dude and I'm like, alright, bet. Like I wasn't the most excited I've ever been in my entire life. I like pickleball. I got nothing bad to say about it um i'll probably play it when i'm older nah i'm not gonna play sports ever again dude somebody oh bro somebody asked me to play on their intramural basketball team i was like no come on man no oh my god why not i feel like uh i'm No. Come on, man. No. Oh, my God.

Why not? I feel like I'm going to get hurt. Is that not valid enough? Dude just kept pushing. I was like, dude, I'm not playing. Are you kidding me? Yeah, let me go play basketball real quick. Tear my ACL. Then what?

It's not that serious. Well, you're making it seem pretty serious serious you've asked me 74 times in the last hour friday we are we are we are the youth of the nation oh this thing's still on uh passion fruit day hey is there a better flavor just wondering you see passion fruit who's passing who's passion that up rice pudding day what i always kind of want it you put a bowl of rice pudding in front of me right now uh i'm going to sleep like a big fat baby. Cause I mean the whole thing, I don't know where I had,

I had to have it somewhere weird. I'll never voluntarily or no one will ever make me rice pudding in my entire life. But I think I had it at school one time, you know, when you're, when your school got kind of like festive with it and they'd have like a, like a weird hotline. You're like,

what is this for what reason me in fifth grade why is my school serving grits what for what dude do you think i know what do you think this school of this whole class of 12 year old white kids not a not a different foreign person insight i had no what grits are just grits on the menu one day okay all 76 of us thought they were mashed potatoes. Oh my God. It was on some shit like that where we had rice pudding, but the rice pudding was actually gas and I did it right now. Saturday.

Bowling day. Am I insane? Are we insane? I know we're all the same person. We got to be the same person. But if somebody asked me to go bowling, there would not be one ounce of any part of me for the rest of my life that would say yes. Want to go bowling? Nose across the board from the judges

most beautiful girl i've ever seen in my life want to go bowling and that's all zeros from the panel my dad on his last day on earth. Want to go bowling? And there we go again. Just like we thought. Three X's. I just, I mean, unless we're going with, man,

I just, maybe I think I have a bad attitude. I got to get out more. I got to do more stuff. It's all about networking. Is it, dude? Holy. How are you guys networking? I got to shut up.

I got to shut up. I got a bad attitude. Got a bad. Hey. Hey. If you want to be comfortable, you got to be uncomfortable. Okay. I'll go bowling. Jesus Christ. Sunday. He's really speeding through these. He must be hungry for rice pudding or something. Garage sale day. Have a good attitude. Have a good attitude. Have a good attitude have a good attitude have a good attitude you know when you get a goodwill and you find like four things and you buy them and right when you get in your car you're like

why did i buy all that i've never everything at a garage sale and goodwill is just just another thing that you're going to bring to another goodwill that's all goodwill is is just buying stuff from one goodwill and then three years later taking it to another goodwill because you're moving god dang dude it's literally the ecosystem of like bad trash stuff stuff you don't want anymore ecosystem it rains bad t-shirts and dvds you're never gonna watch you buy them for some reason they're in your house for a little bit that's the ocean then they get evaporated by the sun goes back to a goodwill rains again goes back to another goodwill. Goes to your house. It's there for a little bit. Goes back to the... It's a vicious circle. Someone said that the other day.

I almost ripped my eyes out. That's it, fam. God, what a... Every podcast just... What? I love a podcast that That's just, huh? Okay. I guess every single thing we talked about, how did we get there?

Love you guys, man. Thank you for the voice messages. Thank you for, for coming, for hanging with your, hanging with your girly pop, honestly. And if you are, I know we're all the same. And I just, the fact that there's people out there that have the same brain, I just love you so much. God dang, the voice message. Oh, my God.

You just don't know how much you mean, dude. Really. He's just saying that. No, I literally love you guys. We're the only real ones left. Just saying. We're the only real ones left. Thanks for listening.

Love you so much. See you next time. Ha ha. Fine. So so so.