Espresso - what sh*t should stay in 2022?

Episode Date: December 29, 2022

On this episode benny reacts to the things that should stay in 2022 (like EXTREME horniness on the internet)🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

espresso podcast shot 243 i'm your mommy benedict polizzi now put your party pants on baby damn it i was trying to think of something better than that what's up fam hey remember benedictmerch.com did you see the new merch honestly did you see that shit yo that will politely cat call me shut up do you see those colors oh you can't be serious the benedict shirt come on that i might have the best merch in the game i'm saying it do i have the best merch in the game for comedians? My shit is crazy right now. I got colors. But benedictmerch.com.

Get everything from Taha Fuck to Feeling Glonky to these guys, which I'm wearing right now. Remember to listen to these guys' podcasts on YouTube, Spotify, Apple Podcasts, everywhere you get your podcasts. Whispering just makes shit a little sexier. What if I did the whole podcast like this? Would you kill yourself? Yeah. Would I? Absolutely. Because I'm going to be real thirsty in about four seconds. And remember to join the Patreon podcast, $5 a month for an extra episode every week. Dude, I talked, listen to the, go, go and listen to the, join the Patreon right now. Cause that shit, dude, I lose my mind on there. I shouldn't be allowed to have it. Sometimes I don't think I should be allowed. Uh, isn't it crazy? Just anybody can be on the internet. You think about that?

Like, I don't really think I should be allowed on the, I say it's too fucked up, but yeah, join the, join the Patreon and listen to that last podcast. It's good, but let's, uh, let's answer the espresso. Cool, cool, cool. Oh, by the way, thanks for everybody that came out to the Detroit House of Comedy last Thursday. Yeah, I'll never forget that. That was one of the best nights of my life. First time headlining. My whole family was there. It was like one of those weird dreams.

You know, only nothing weird happened. Like I was expecting something fucked up to happen like a like i'm i don't know like if it was actually one of my dreams like a guy with a motorcycle would fucking go on stage he'd be like like like you know i mean with like a head of a cantaloupe or something there's always some weird shit going on. But besides that, it was like, whoa. Dude, my dad was there? It was so weird. And I apologize to the girl I called a bitch. But not really. After the show, right after I got staged, I felt bad.

Because this girl, dude, was heckling the shit out of me. I was like, this bitch. And I was like, I shouldn't have thought that. But I don't know probably okay let's uh let's answer the espresso quick quick quick quick question of the week what shit needs to stay in 2022 for me uh a lot of words. My God, Riz. I mean, it's not bad.

Riz isn't a bad word until I figured out it's short for charisma. And that just sounds like something. Now it sounds like something my dad would say. Man, that guy's got the Riz, huh, B? Dad calls me B. My dad said anything. How about keep my dad in 20? That shit needs to stay in 22. That dad said anything, how about I keep my dad in 22? That shit needs to stay in 22.

That dude, oh my God, the amount of words he mispronounced on Christmas. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. Hallelujah. My God. Literally lost my,

my dad's been calling pasta, basta his whole life. B-A-S-T-A. Almost, dude, I just can't take it anymore hey pass that bus to be i was like but yeah uh what needs to stay in 2022 all right let's ask you guys you tell me huh let's hear it for this one i'm gonna have to go with crocs um because bitches think that they're so cute and quirky wearing these little hoes out in public but in reality these shoes look like two penguins just got an emergency lobotomy inside ronald mcdonald's asshole and then he shit them out and added holes and they're

fucking ugly and they're disgusting and they're not cute thank you i love that thank you dude you know girls you know a girl just rip somebody to shreds when they end any conversation with thank you she's right dude i just can't with crocs i'll give everything a shot i like trying new shit but i mean it's just one of the i just dude i do a lot of sus shit but i just can't step into crocs i just feel like they're for kids. Like Crocs belong in the little shoe holder outside of the McDonald's play place. I can't do it. And I feel like the people who wear Crocs know that they're... And they try to like justify wearing them

by being like, look at them. They like overplay it. Like I'm the Crocs girl. It's like no i think you know deep down that those are for seven-year-olds what's the what's the play that they're uh they're like cheap i swear to god no no no i did wear some crocs one time with the i might i might have to every time i shit on something it's because i secretly love it i did wear some Crocs one time

because I had to buy them for a video. And they had like... They had like carpet inside of them. Not going to lie. Those were kind of sexy. Wouldn't be caught dead in them. But around the house? Maybe.

Going out to get the mail and some Crocs? Nah, I'd kill myself. But, um... I can honestly say I don't like them. Because they sell them at Meijer. You know? Anything, any like shoe or anything like that that they sell at Meijer. Like, uh...

Step up your game, baby girl. Crocs? step up your game baby girl crocs i think my mom thinks they're whack i would chew on a croc though damn you ever see something you're just like i'd chew on it i would chew the fuck out of a croc dude i might just keep crocks in my car instead of biting my nails. Just chew on crocks. Yo, look at these things. Zoom in on these. Yeah, I need to, I need to keep crocks in the, dude, my fingers are literally bleeding. What am I doing to myself? Give me a? Put a crock in my mouth and slap my ass. Just keep going. What shit needs to stay in 2022?

Hey, one thing I think I really thought about that, what we should leave in 2022 is just extreme horniness. You know, I feel like, dude, you know, like we get it. You know, everyone gets horny at some times, but, like, posting horny shit publicly is wild. Like, bro, people don't realize digital footprint is a real thing. You never know when that might come back and bite you in your ass. Boss is going to be like, hey, is this you? And it's you with your legs spread, clapping your feet together, talking about getting nut on.

Like, you need to leave that horny shit back in hey it's not that serious you know it's not that serious yeah there's more and i can't wait to hear it extreme horniness some people are just so fucking horny on the internet you're like god damn that's your whole thing is just being horny like everybody's horny but like hold on i also believe we should leave vaping in 2022 it shouldn't have made it this far but the fact that people still vape um it really bothers me i feel like you know maybe the world actually might be ending but yeah that's that's that's just that's just just. Just stop it. Just grow up. Smoke weed.

Smoke a cigarette. Smoke something. A cigarette. But vape? No way. I'm not going to lie. I just came back. I just came from a show.

I just walked over here after a show. And every comedian smokes outside of a comedy club. And I walk by one. And I go, give me a hit. And now I feel like I'm in a dream so like I didn't hit it all the way but I hit it enough to like feel like I'm at a Kenny Chesney concert or something another thing we should leave in 2022 is these fucking shysty masks. Bro, my little cousin, this man is probably like 14. I seen

a picture of him in a shysty mask and for like four seconds I was like, who is this thug on my page? And then I seen the username and I was like, bro, this can't be my little cousin. He's in the bed currently wearing a shysty. This can't be. It just can't be my little cousin. He's in the bed currently wearing a shy Steve. This can't be.

It just can't be. So that shit needs to just go away. Like, bro, it's the middle of the summer. You're wearing a fucking mask. Take that shit off. People drink through it. It's like, I know your breath stinks. I just know that shy Steve has not been washed.

If you wash your shy Steve, if you can prove to me that you've washed your shy Steve, I'll give you five bucks. Those are so dirty. Have you seen it? What he's saying is, you know, those me that you've watched the show i'll give you five bucks those are so dirty have you seen it what he's saying is you know those masks that like just have it looks like a robber mask and damn i used to wear one of those as a kid all the time because i thought it looked cool and that shit had slobber all over it so i know people who wear those have slobber all over it and i know zero people that wear those because i'm from greenwood but uh vaping those things are crazy dude i i drank like one beer and hit a vape one time just because i was like ah fuck it let's see what all let's see what it's all about and i crushed it and i think then the whole next day i was like like, I need to hit that again.

But I didn't. But I did. Chew my fingers and think about eating a pair of Crocs. Just keep going. Something that can stay in 2022 is the obsession with Taylor Swift, like making Taylor Swift your entire personality. Yeah, she's not everything. She's not the only singer, not the only music you can consume,

not the only thing that's good. You can like her, totally cool. You can go take about a second mortgage and go fucking see her it's cool but uh make sure you got a little more to you than just liking taylor swift it is such a thing i don't let myself listen to all of her songs because I know I would love her. I would. I got hooked on that Wildest Dream song. In your wildest dreams. But I wasn't listening to it just like in my car.

I was listening to that while I was working out. You ever get caught in your car listening to some wild shit? working out you ever get caught in your car listen to some wild shit i always forget that in every car the speakers are so loud you ever walk by somebody's car who has all their windows up but they're talking on bluetooth and you just hear the whole conversation that's me only at a red light with taylor swift playing you know what else can stay in 2022 my alimony payments. Because now I'm all out of money. This guy.

Back. Dude, I have to go to jury duty? What the fuck happens? And how did I get that? I've never had to go in my life, but I just got a piece. I think it's a scam. I just got like a postcard in the mail that said summons for jury duty. Like, I don't know what any of those words mean.

Honestly, summons. I was like, what happens if you miss it? You go to jail for real. Something happened last time where I like, I like weaseled my way out of it. What am I supposed to do in there i have no idea do nothing

of the judicial system or anything like that i just i can't let's keep going high gas prices shit can stay in 2022 I've never looked at a gas price is that like an what am I supposed to do not get gas gas is I don't even what am I no it doesn't matter

gas dude gas in LA was so much money I think I spent I think I spent No, it doesn't matter. Dude, gas in LA was so much money. I think I spent $4,000 on gas in LA. And I moved out there for three weeks and came back. I've never looked at a gas price in my life. Getting gas has become a do- Oh, I almost did it the other day. Have I not done this my entire life i

almost ran off with the gas pump in my car because i was cold and i was getting gas and i was just sitting in my car and i was just like on my phone and i heard the thing click because i feel my gas tank all the way up like a normal human people that only do it halfway because they're like it saves money wow yeah but i almost i uh i started pulling away and i was like something doesn't feel right my spidey sense my speedway sense started tingling and i fucking hit the i put my car in park like immediately and went outside outside. And this black dude in the van goes, I almost got my camera out for that. Dude, gas stations. How do you even get gas as a girl?

I'd be so scared to get gas. I'm scared as a guy to get gas. Just people hounding you for money you got some spare change sir no and then i do that that happened to me today at a gas station you got some spare change sir no i'm such a dickhead to tell homeless people you got some spare change sir no and then i realized he was an atheist and i went into the clouds that's what he started saying after and i was like why the fuck would i give you money what are you actually gonna do with it

you should buy me some gas skip gone situation ships oh my god they make me want to kill myself You should buy me some gas. Oh, God. Skip gone. Situationships. Oh, my God. They make me want to kill myself. Situations will arise. I don't really know what they are. What is a situationship? It's a pirate ship less than a relationship but more than a casual antenna or booty call situation ship refers to a romantic relationship that is and remains

undefined a situation ship is a space between a committed relationship and something that is more than just a friendship. Sounds like my entire life. I don't know if I can get in a relationship again. Situationships are the move. It's the best of both worlds, right? You can just do whatever you want. Yeah. Hold on, there's more.

I don't know if I can have a girlfriend again. I was just doing a bunch of shit I never wanted to do every time I had a girlfriend. I was like, oh my God. Damn, I have to do that oh there's one actually cut myself please do not have sensitive listeners but yeah they are the worst situationships are they though I'm not gonna lie every time I've ever been in a relationship, I'm like, I can't wait till this is over or how am I going to get out of this? Uh, and situationships always end up in real, they always turn into

relationships, right? I don't know. It's not, it's not the full relationship, which is nice. You know, you don't have to like, you don't have to do some weird shit. You don't know. It's not the full relationship, which is nice. You know? You don't have to, like... You don't have to do some weird shit. You don't have to meet her family on Christmas. You don't have to go to a pumpkin patch. No guy wants to do that stuff. That's why they're in situationships.

I think the word bussin' bus bussin needs to just stay behind i really hate that word bussin because it has multiple meanings and it's kind of affecting my sex life i know i know it's funny to say like as a joke but if you're really saying it that's dude that the og bussin is disgusting i'd be bussin that had bussin there's so many words bro that's that's the next question of the week what words need to stay in 2022. What phrases? Dumpster fire. Oh my God. It was a dumpster fire. She's a jump scare. I'm like, I can't. What word did I hear the other day? And I was like, I'm using that. That's my word now, grandma. Oh, shit. Okay, we got a few more.

Situationships will arise and they're gonna be the best thing in your life. Oh, what shit needs to stay in 2022? On shoes. Like, damn, those things are ugly. I get it. it they're comfortable but it looks like you're walking on used tires what'd he say it's not like he said ponchos on shoes like damn those things are ugly i get it they're comfortable but it looks like you're walking on used tires oh i just looked up on shoes they're the shoes all the nurses have bro nurses are i don't know if i like

every nurse i've ever met is kind of a kind of a problem nurses are the type of people that would take their shoes off at work like sitting on their cue dude nurses are always so tired yeah i hate these shoes i wish i could show them to you but on shoes they're so shoe carnival situations you can always tell a person you can always tell like what kind of a person is by their shoes anybody wearing these shoes i'm like you got kids nike dunks oh leave them in 2022 I just if everybody has one pair of shoes I can't do it

I'm sorry girlies dunks get him out of here get him out of here and then still choosing him over the nice guy especially when the nice guy is a comedian with abs and nice biceps. Girl, you better stop. I don't know what to do after people. I can't take a compliment for shit.

Are you kidding me? Thanks. See, dude, it's so weird when anybody like i don't how do you how do you how are you supposed to take that i love you gets in a relationship talks about how he doesn't like relationships for for 20 minutes gets in one with her just because she's nice dude if you give me a compliment, bro, you control my brain for the next however long you want.

Give me one compliment. I love you. Maybe that's why he does comedy. What kind of shit stays in 2022? Taking compliments. Thank you. I think people are psychos when they take compliments. Thank you, I know.

Yeah. I'm always like, you don't fucking mean that. You don't mean that shit. Shut up and come here. Just keep going. Definitely got to be the term gaslighting like what is it there's no definition people always use it against you it's garbage every time i hear the word gaslighting i'm like wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute how did he do it It makes me think of somebody firing

up a grill every goddamn time. Yeah, you like gas lit me. I'm like burgers. You're gas lighting me. It's always a girl. It sounds like that too. He like gas lit me. He like gas lit me because the sign was like

Aquarius aquariums it's always it's always a zodiac sign girl that's talking about gaslight me and vibes the vibes were off because he gaslit me and he was a scorpio i'm like uh those are the type of girls I date. Whoops. Let's keep going. So what needs to stay in 2022 is beeping fire alarms. Ah! We'll always hate you. How about just all noises? That seatbelt noise, bro?

Relentless. I can drive with it off. I don't know why. I think it's just because I'm older now. I can drive with my seatbelt off and the noise on. God, what's wrong with me, bro? I think that's kind of psycho. How do you live your life with a smoke detector beep every six minutes

burn my house down burn it down then what was the noise the other day that i was i almost beat my head through a window. Just people that can endure, like people that can just keep pushing through noises. That's how I know I'm friends with you. If you get so pissed off when a loud noise happens, like if there's a group of people outside and a loud motorcycle goes by, and one person in that group Like if there's a group of people outside and a loud motorcycle goes by.

And one person in that group goes, holy shit. I'm going to be in your wedding. It's true. Those fucking things are so loud. Glad that thing rolled by. Because I was having a really bad day. We got one more.

What kind of shit should stay in 2022? I can tell you one thing that's gonna so calm left in 2022 and that is my bad attitude toward children because i'm not babysitting next year that's it i'm done but if i could leave like a physical object or objects behind in this year it would be all tech devices talking tablets vr headsets video games all of it because i'm so sick of my kids asking me every 30 seconds is it my turn can i play next it's my turn but did you hear that? No fucking way. Hold on. Talking. Listen. Tablets, VR headsets, video games, all of it. Because I'm so sick of my kids asking me every 30 seconds,

is it my turn? Can I play next? It's my turn, but I want to play. I just want to like throw them in a big pile and light it on fire. I'm so sick of my kids. Is it my turn? Can I play next? It's my turn. Take the batteries!

And a big pile and light it on fire. And just have them stand around it and then like roast marshmallows on it. Like, there you go. Enjoy that. Dude, I think I lose all respect for people if if your smoke detector goes off i would i would re-record this whole thing if i was leaving a voice message and my smoke detector went off i think i i lose all respect for people when they

when they have a smoke detector alarm and uh when somebody puts a dollar sign after the number like you need to get bullied i wish we could bring can we bring back bullying bro because i swear to god i was a obviously bro i look like i'm a bully I think I was a bully growing up if your smoke detector beeps at any point throughout the day I should be able to steal two things out of your house and I won't make it like big shit I'll steal like reasonable stuff

like you got a nice cutting board it's mine now you got a nice set of. It's mine now. You got a nice set of like, you have nice cutlery. It's coming. It's coming with me. You got a good candle. It's Benny's now. Give me two. Give me two. I invade your house. Taking the plant. It's fake. Taking it. You got a nice end table.

Shit like that. I'm not going to take like jewelry. I don't need your jewelry. I just want your other shit. My dresser's in bad shape right now. You got a nice dresser? Taking it. You got some paper towels? They're all mine. Fuck paper towels, bro. Look at this shit.

Taking that home. That's what I need to stop doing. I don't know. Dude, I could be the richest person in the world. If I see a stack of paper plates and cups they're coming with me i don't care if your smoke detector went off they're coming with me i'm such a weirdo for that shit every place i've ever worked if they have plastic silverware bro i'm taking home a duffel bag of that shit i could be a millionaire i'm taking home the paper plates they're so helpful it's just me or like, dude, I live alone, which is insane. And I should be checked on constantly. But does anybody else just go through trash? I think I produce more trash than anybody. My whole trash is just fucking cups coffee cups trash cans aren't big enough trash cans need to be fucking enormous dude i put one

box a cereal box in my trash can i'm like time to take it out jesus yeah but dollar sign after the amount and smoke detector alarm slitting your throat i just want to clarify i'm not mean to kids i'm actually really nice but when i know that they're coming over like the day before they come over. I'm just like, oh, tomorrow's going to be the worst day. I'm not going to be able to do anything because they got to entertain these kids all day. So I'm actually really nice to kids. I just, it like bums me out because then I can't like do things that I want to do. And so then I get in this bad mindset. So I'm nice to kids, but I'm just like, oh so I'm nice to kids but I'm just like

ugh I just want to have my own time thank you if she would have ended with that shit ah thank you you know you're fucked if a girl ends any type of statement to you with thank you

yeah thank god dudes never had to babysit wouldn't that be fucking terrifying yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we got a babysitter his name's ben polizzi all right house is gonna burn down that would be fucked up i'd literally i'd literally i mean girls do the same shit though i'd like go on the guys might do a good job girls are like instinctively a little more like hey you know so when you grow up you like your dad like lets you do whatever the fuck you want kind of unless you're my dad but you know what i mean you'd rather go to your dad's sometimes

because he like doesn't know what's going on he's like yeah you can eat those i don't give a shit but your mom be like no so what i'm saying is your house would burn down but dude the amount of money girls make growing up babysitting not fair what and guys are just out here cutting grass playing girls playing with kids all day just watching dvs and shit. Yeah, here's $200. I'm a one yard for 25 bucks. Almost cut my fucking foot off. Did the dumbest shit when I was a kid cutting grass. I wanted to see the blade. I should have died. I wonder how many times I should have died. This is one of those. I should have died. What's the dumbest thing you've ever done where you almost die this is mine I was mowing the grass and I was like what's it look like underneath the lawnmower you know because it's like who doesn't want to see it's like

opening up a peanut butter and jelly after you've already made it you know I mean you're like oh fuck that's what I did I did that like three times in my life i'm like i don't really look like look at the inside of the peanut butter and jelly than like a playboy magazine i'm like it's amazing make a peanut butter and jelly almost eat it and then fold that bitch open you'll be like hey but i was cutting the grass one time and I put my foot you know you gotta like pull back that bar that makes the fucking I pulled it back put it down here so the lawnmower is tilted up like this and my foot was pressing on the bar thing. And I fucking peeked my head around to see this blade.

And it wasn't even that cool. Bro, it was going kind of slow. I was like, that's cutting the grass? Like, I was watching it like, man, I should have died. I should have fucked. I can't believe I didn't stick my damn hand right in that thing. How about your parents when you were cutting grass without shoes on? The amount of times I fucking did that growing up.

Like, why would I cut the grass with shoes on? It's going to get my shoes dirty. Dude, that's one of those things that I miss so much about growing up, was just walking around the grass barefoot. That's some kid shit right there. Dude, I haven't walked around barefoot in like 17 years. That's why every time I'm on a beach for like 13 seconds, I'm like, oh, I gotta take my shoes off.

Dude, I'm a freak when it comes to feet shit. Didn't need to tell you that one. Dude, if you touch my foot, if you slap my foot, walking around in your front yard. Actually, not your front yard, the backyard.

Because the front yard's for looks. My fucking dad would always say that shit. We'd be trying to like throw the frisbee in the front yard. My dad would be like, get the fuck in the back yard! Front yard's for looks! Is that the most Italian fucking shit ever? Same with those bathroom towels, dude. You wipe your face up on that?

Bathroom towels are for looks dude everything's for fucking looks actually the whole downstairs bathroom is pointless dude a downstairs bathroom is the size of a porta potty i went in my downstairs bathroom at my old house the other day and i was like, what can, nothing can be done in here. Everywhere, every way I move, I fucking get a Charlie horse in this fucking telephone booth. Yeah, walking around in your like front or backyard, the side yard.

We take side yards for granted. What do you take for granted? Espresso question of the week next week, week side yards you ever feel bad for the side yard so you like lay down in it or something you play stupid little game in the side yard just show it some love one day side yards yo that's a wrap things that need to stay in 2022 i know there's 15 000 more vibes vibes the word vibe hey you can throw

vibe on the end of anything and it makes it cool divorce vibes car just got totaled vibes car just got totaled vibes yo fam thanks for listening that was shot 243 we're gonna whisper again because that's how we uh that's how we do it we're polite we're respectful and we whisper. Thanks for listening. Remember to join the Patreon because that podcast is illegal. Remember to listen to these guys

with me and Joey Molnar on every platform and get your merch at benedictmerch.com. Thanks for coming out to the Detroit show. I love you. There'll be a lot more to come. See you next time. Bye, fam.