Espresso - what was your first car & what was wrong with it?

Episode Date: February 23, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to your first car stories and the reasons why it was a piece of sh*t (like banging it up with a hammer just to start)🎟️ 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦Ontario, CA Thurs 3/16 https://improv.com/ontario/comic/benedict+polizzi/ Kansas City, MO Thurs 3/23 https://improvkc.com/ShowDetails/b0822311-7337-417d-b373-e6f378a41b9d/3ef90ddd-e238-427f-bd95-e028af25d0dc/Benedict__Polizzi/Kansas_City_Improv Albany, NY Thurs 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDetails/7103c957-393b-4e13-a58a-cb2b21082f5d/fe90f238-dd0b-4177-a490-91bacbb9d65d/Benedict_Polizzi/Albany_Funny_Bone Tampa, FL Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_Improv Get a Bonus Episode every week! 🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/ 💋𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗖𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀 https://youtube.com/channel/UCwJEupKLP-c3i3h8BAq18hQ 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf 🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

I had a 91 Honda Accord and I had to hit the gas tank, the bottom of the car, the gas tank with a hammer to get it to start. What the fuck, man? What's up, girlies? It's the Espresso Podcast, Shot 251. And today, we're going to figure out what your first car was. And what's the thing that it did that made it such a piece of shit. Hey, dates coming up. Ontario, California doing shows at the improv, doing one show at the improv on Thursday, March 16th. Kansas City, Missouri at the improv, March 23rd.

Albany, New York, April 6th at the Funny Bone. Tampa, Florida at the improv, April 27th. More dates coming soon. Patreon, $5 a month for an extra episode every single week. Check that shit out, dude. That's fam over there. just know they just get me merch at benedictmerch.com grab some shit you know buy some stuff get a hat that camo espresso hat kind of sexy subscribe on youtube putting out a YouTube video every week. And, uh, I don't want to be one of those guys. That's like subscribing to my channel, but

subscribe to my channel and listen to these guys, podcasts of me and Joey Molinaro. It's on YouTube and you can get, you can get it on already had a stroke on any platform that you listen to your podcasts on all right let's talk what was your first car and what's the weird thing that it did dude for me i did tape my goddamn window up because that bit it would just slide down not that i had anything good in my car though so i I'm thinking about it. I'm like, why did I tape my window up? Just clear duct tape on the stuck on one side of the, on one side of my window over the door on the other side. Every single time I got out of my car at Lowe's for some reason in the parking lot.

flows for some reason in the parking lot every time why didn't i just let it slide down what was in my car that i was protecting i think about that all the time i'm like why don't i just park my car with one window down and keep nothing in my car that way if somebody breaks in my car they don't break the window they're just like oh look around in there don't see shit remember that time someone broke my window to get into my car and stole nothing and all my merch was in there i was like jesus christ dog definitely not fam somebody sawed off my catalytic converter one time why is it called that somebody sawed that thing off dude my car sounded like a dirt bike for two years everywhere i went what a shock when i turned that thing on the first time

parked my car somewhere weird overnight right when I turn it on the next morning. I'm like fucking grave digger. That monster truck. I was like, okay. What's that famous, famous, uh, motocross guy's name. Fuck. I guess I'm Travis Pastrana now. Every time I, every time I start my car, I'm Travis Pastrana. His last name sounds something like what I want to eat right now. Can I have a Travis Pastrami? Extra mustard. Every time he starts his car, he's Travis Pastrana. Fuck, that's $200. All right so uh what was your first car

and what was the weird thing that was wrong with it let's talk here we go my first car was a 1981 citation it was actually my dad's very first brand new car that he got when I was a little kid and me being the asshole kid that I was around the age of five took a rock and because my name started with a z started to carve big fucking Zorro Z's on the back of his new car it nearly resulted in my dad beating me with a belt but fortunately my mom threw herself in front of him to save my little life at that point needless to say he kept the car left it in the driveway many years later after he was done driving it it rusted out it became my first new car in high school and i got to drive around with a bunch of fucked up z's carved into the back of my car fuck isn't that some crazy shit i can remember vividly making fun

of the car my mom bought when i was like 12 i was like that car looks like a fucking box on wheels embarrassing i don't want it seven years later okay that's my car all the shit you do to your parents car then just becomes yours and I'm like why the fuck everybody's carved a Z in a car before could be on the back could be on the headrest

you've carved your name into a car you're putting your name on everything when you're a kid the windows dude the shit i used to write on windows and the fact that everybody could see it when it dried can we talk about that car being called a chevy citation and the all-new ford misdemeanor let's keep going my first car was a 1990 pontiac grand prix yeah a grand priest of shit the weird thing that was wrong is that the speedometer was off. Only took a couple of speedy tickets to figure that out.

So one day I drove by this radar, you know, how fast are you going to drive safe kind of thing. And I figured out I'm seven miles per hour off. And so I just always did that math and I thought it worked. Well, one time I was driving from ohio to kansas named two worst states jesus without naming indiana and i was making great fucking time i was killing it i couldn't believe dude does anybody like anything more than making great time that's such like a white guy thing yeah we made great time shut the fuck up and then in effingham illinois i got pulled over the officer said man it was hard to catch you i was like what and it turned out i

was going like 95 so i thought i was going 65 so it got very very off and ended up being costly um you're a piece of shit car it's not not worth fixing. Just let the shit die. RIP and peace. You ever just, I think I look at my speedometer like once every 24 days. I think I'm always going 95 on the highway, obviously.

I'm like, oh shit, I'm going way too fast right now oh my bad my bad because for some reason in my car like the speedometer you have to like press an arrow to get to it and it's on like kilometers or some shit like i'll look down at my car and it's on kilometers and it looks like i'm going 254 miles an hour i'm like oh shit i'm like oh it's on kilometers why the fuck oh i'm going 144 again then i go i switch it over to miles per hour because that's not the default setting for some reason and i'm like i'm just going 70 yeah that's effing ham illinois the things i would do to live there

ham illinois the things i would do to live there let's keep going my first car was an early 90s dodge avenger there was a very large stain in the trunk and plastic gloves in the glove box i didn't ask any questions i paid cash and i Yeah, that's a big flex you can do. I forgot about that. If a car dealership's like, it's $20,000. You can be like, how about 7,000 cash? And they're like, okay, why is paying cash such a flex? And how do you, how do you walk around with all that? Do you literally just throw a fucking briefcase on the desk in the dealership? Like you're in Spider-Man or some shit? How do you just have a bunch of cash?

Car dealerships are so weird. I'm like, what's really going on here? And can I have some popcorn? Yeah, the amount of things you've done in your car everybody's their true self in their car too stain in the trunk plastic gloves in the glove compartment hey at least that checks out plastic gloves and who's really putting gloves in there except for the person that you bought the car from no one's really why the fuck they call it a glove compartment

no one's in the history of the world has ever put gloves in there except for the person you got that car from oh this this is where all my gloves go You don't know where to put any of your gloves. They're just all in there. Hands freezing walking around. We got to go to my car. Hurry! Let's keep going. I had a 95 Honda Accord. Ran like, you know, a Honda does.

It was wonderful. Nothing wrong with it. Best car. My brother parked his Celica. Was that what it was called? Celica behind it. And it caught on fire. And it melted the rear trunk area of my car.

How come a car on fire is just mesmerizing i'm like when's it just gonna blow up come on come on come on a car on fire is just like you only see it once it's usually in a video game but a car on fire is one of the wonders of the world. Fuck, just please blow up. Please blow up. And it melted the trunk. Just keep going. My first car was a 1977 Chevy El Camino.

That's the sedan with a truck bed. Shut up. It was the last year they stopped making those vehicles. But his name was Santana. He was awesome. Felt super cool driving him. But man, that car would break down anywhere and everywhere. And the only way to get it started back up was to repeatedly pump the brakes while starting the engine and um it was great i loved it but it eventually totaled itself and um rip santana I'll miss that car forever. That was my baby.

Santana. But I guess it wasn't so smooth. Yeah, you always got to do those weird little tricky things to get your car started that only you know about. You can't have anybody like borrow your car because you're like, ah, fuck, they're not going to be able to know all the little shit I got to do to get it started because it's a piece of shit. the brakes three times fucking start it twice

whistle out your window fucking grab a cat and throw it in the trunk then it'll start up like how am i gonna tell my fucking uncle that when he's trying to move my car how about when somebody moves your car bro like hey you're hey, you're parked behind my buddy Eric. He's got to get out of here. And you're like somewhere else. You're like at the fucking mall or something. So I'm wondering if, yo, your keys are right here. I'm going to back your car, move your car a couple spots down

so Eric can get out of here. And you're like, yeah, that's cool. And then 15 minutes go by and you're like oh fuck there's like it's the weirdest shit in your car fucking just a bottle full of spit for no reason you're like why the fuck did i keep that in there fuck, did I keep that in there? A fucking weird note somebody wrote to you on your dash that says like, remember, tough times are temporary. Live your truth forever.

It's like some shit that like you don't even really care about, but like you just haven even really care about but like you just had you just haven't moved it there's some weird prayer in there there's like a rosary there's like a corner there's like a like a mini there's a there's a mini twix bar in the cup holder from like three halloweens ago you're like fuck bro that is it that is a sobering moment when somebody moves your car and you get back in your car and you're like they saw the kiss mask in the passenger seat they saw the the fucking four jars of marinara sauce rattling around in my backseat

there's back there forever check under your seats dude there is some funny ass shit down there that you'll be like i'm such an idiot a fuck a koozie from your friend's wedding check your doors too like your side doors. Because if you ever give somebody a ride, that person, you can tell if they're a piece of shit or not by how much stuff they cram into your door. You ever have like four people in your car that you're just like taking somewhere? The next day, check the doors.

You can tell what kind of person they are by what they stuffed in that door.'s like a fucking cigar wrapper there's a cap from a snapple you're like where the fuck you even have a snap so much shit in there a girl you drive a girl anywhere bro that that that little door thing will be packed there'll be like three sunglasses in there a watch a tamagotchi you're like there'll be like four beanie babies you're like where did you even lipstick shit i'm like you didn't even wear lipstick a hair clip some fucking tent stakes i'm like what were you getting ready for a thermometer i just didn't know i was running a fever before we left i'm like there'll be like four wrappers from like the andy's mints that you get at olive garden you're

like what they don't even sell those did you get olive garden before you came in my car most random shit i'm like god damn you're in my car for 15 seconds and there's a straightener in there the little fucking the the eyelash curlers are in there the eyelash curlers that looks like they're from 1972 can we update the eyelash curlers let's keep going bro my first car was a 2003 nissan maxima and for some reason whenever i turned it on i lived in a neighborhood in Fishers Fishers Indiana it would be so loud that it would make my neighbor's uh dog bark in the morning and then every single dog in the fucking cul-de-sac I lived in would bark at like 6 a.m before I'd go to

HSE high school it was a shit show and then when I'd get out every time I turned it on it would do that so like I'm leaving school as a sophomore have my car trying to raise up a bitch I would It was a shit show. And then when I'd get out, every time I'd turn it on, it would do that. So like, I'm leaving school. As a sophomore, I have my car trying to raise up a bitch. I would turn it on. Scurr! It would be so fucking loud.

Embarrassing. Yeah, that sucks, man. I had one of those before. How about dogs? Hey, dogs. If it happens more than three days in a row, you don't have to like pretend like it's the first time. Jesus Christ, dude.

Dogs, bro. Chill the fuck out. Start a car that's loud 365 days in a row. Day 366. Chill, bro. It's a thing now. It's just part of your life. You don't have to fucking go insane every time this guy starts up his fucking Nissan Maxima or whatever dogs get a clue dogs you fucking you know what else everything else you you you understand but it just one noise oh my god bro same shit every morning bro let's fucking get it get it together bucko whatever the fuck your name is dog's names bro

god i can't stand that about dogs i just want to bark again so bad but uh yeah i had a car that like when you i don't know why bro but when you like even touch the brake it was like they're just squeaky as fuck and i'd be pulling out of my high school lot like it's uh just not trying to break at all because like people would be walking by your car like girls you don't talk to and shit but you still want to be cool if i even said the word break i swear i'd run into the i damn near... I'd run into the car in front of me. I'd go so slow out of school

just so I didn't have to touch my brakes. It's good. Yeah. Got to turn right. They're all turning around like, what the fuck is wrong with your car? My car sounded like an old pirate ship. I don't know why that sounds like a pirate ship but

my car sounded like a ufo flying by come in peace I also had a 1998 Jeep Grand Cherokee as my first car and I know the fix to your problem why it would shut off mine was an automatic and if I put it in neutral when it came to a stop the engine would stay running and then put it in drive when you're taking off and it would it would stay running instead of shutting off. There's the trick. Oh, bro, I'll never know. I didn't understand any of that. Because I don't have the car anymore, so I can't apply it to my situation. But hey, he's a Jeep guy.

We're Jeep guys. You wouldn't understand. Jeep people are so annoying. And I'm one of them. Of course I am. You know, wouldn't I have a Jeep? It's so predictable. I'm such a Jeep face. What if I had a truck? Ew. Actually, any car I have is like a cringe, you know? It doesn't matter. Whatever car I have is like, I can't say one car that's not like, you're disgusting.

Yeah, I can't think of one. God, you know what? My dream car? I think my dream car is just a Volkswagen Beetle. A red one. How fucking with no tints. No tints whatsoever. Just the clearest car ever.

I look like that fucking... That worm on that show. God, what was that called? What was that show called, bro? That worm driving that apple car i'll never think of it but that's what i look like driving it the busy world of richard scary or some shit yo is that it yeah apple guy that's me dude that's me that's the car i want red volkswagen beetle zero tints the reddest color ever i don't want any black trim nothing just red i just want to look like i'm driving an apple around and I'll drive like this the whole time

in my little car. And if you hit me, instantly dead. Oh, fuck. What's your dream car? Anything that looks like a red apple. Just keep going. My first car was a 2002 T-Top Camaro. It was chameleon green.

And it was a hand-me-down. And I loved that car. Nothing was wrong with it until I wanted a new stereo system put in. I let my boyfriend put that in for me. And when I got my car back, my speedometer started going with the bass nonstop. Like I could never tell how fast I was going. And then shortly after that, the car just quit working. It died on me in the middle of a McDonald's drive through. and that was the end of an era. Damn, that's not a bad place to be though. Actually, that's the worst place to be when your car dies. Let's go. Hurry the fuck up. What'd you order fat ass? You're like, my car broke down.

You couldn't explain that to anybody in a McDonald's drive-thru. My car broke down. I don't give a shit. My mom died. I don't give a fuck. I got two apple pies waiting for me. Change your fucking oil next time. That's everyone in a McDonald's drive-thru. Yes, it is. Yes, it is.

No, it's not. I go to McDonald's all the time, and I have three kids, and I'm a mom. Well, you're even worse than everybody had them in the mcdonald's drive-thru complete meltdown nightmare yep everything about it the drive-thru line the order the the patients the person on the other side in the drive-thru asking you what you want whole thing is just oh but that's crazy your bass your speedometer was going with the bass so you just had to listen to like smooth jazz so it wouldn't trigger your speedometer. You're listening to New Orleans 104.5. You're like, okay, I'm going 60.

You change your radio to Soldier Boy. It's like going fucking 345 miles an hour all of a sudden soldier boy tell him the dance flow he's got me you're like holy fuck get a ticket Why are we going so fast, huh? Because I got me some bathing apes. That's why. Let's keep going. Hey, Benny. Hey, boo boo. So with my car, I have a 2008 Mini Cooper, and we had to replace my whole transmission and my engine because of the fact that when you press the sports mode, the car would just go ding, ding, ding. It was so fucking bad.

And I have a secret compartment in my car that you cannot open, and there's just a bunch of shit in it now because someone punched it and broke it. Oh, shit. How about when you sell that car and that person opens it? That should be a thing. Every time you sell your car to someone, there should be a little spot where you hide a bunch of weird shit,

so the next person finds it and they're like, Oh, my God, pass it on. Or that should be a thing in rental rental cars how weird is renting a car my biggest fear ever crashing a rental car i'd be like i'm just gonna kill myself don't know what to do i'm so sorry and it's everyone it's only my fault and i owe everyone twenty thousand dollars somehow bye i just wouldn't rent a car for that renting a car why oh my god what if how many papers do i have to sign there should be an easier way dude an app or something here's your car go everything is so hard everything is so hard now watching a watching a basketball game on tv is it the hardest thing ever

why is it the hardest thing ever can i talk about this for a second watching a basketball game on tv i haven't done it in 10 years because i don't know how if i want to watch the pacers on tv i have to go what the fuck is bally sports even the people that have bally sports are like what is going on with this shit if i want to watch a any type of dude i didn't even watch the super bowl because i couldn't i had to update an app on my fucking thing and it's not my username and i was just like fuck it i'm not watching the super bowl man jesus christ what do i have to do i should be able to go into google and type in pacers in the game should play why why are we 10 years why why was it easier for me to watch a game on tv

when i was seven than it is now when i was seven oh okay game's on now. Let's keep going. We're talking about cars. We're talking about cars. We're talking about cars. My first car was a Pontiac Grand Prix that had 300,000 miles on it that I only got because my uncle abandoned it when he moved to Texas and the turn signal didn't work unless you manually clicked it up and down. Oh, that'd be kind of fun.

I'd be a little clicky bitch in there. How about those turn signals that are like spazzed out and way too fast? I'm like, okay, Jesus Christ. I know you're turning. Just fucking go already. Makes me so impatient. That and when someone's honking. When anyone honks on the road, bro.

I'm like, did we really have to fucking honk? Where are you going? TJ Maxx, you piece of shit? Just chill the fuck out. Manual blinker. That's crazy. It's my dream to do one of these uh your window actually this this is my dream when you're going right oh

that is the sexiest fucking thing you've never had more power than when your blinker doesn't work and you got to throw one of these out of your window the whole world he's going right hey he's going right you saw he's going right calling somebody hey mom he's going right texting your fucking your ex-girlfriend he's going right she's like oh i know i saw it every hey he's going right i might just start doing that shit even though my blinker works at a four-way stop making sure everybody looks at you throw that fucking throw that l out the window that maybe flex it up a little bit get the bivanes pumping get a nice shave on the arm

throw some hemp lotion on there not regular lotion hemp lotion so your arms like glistening a little bit throw that arm out the window every oh hey go ahead i'll be here till tomorrow if you need anything dude so much respect for that guy but if you're on a motorcycle and you do it it's like ah fuck off but if you're in a car oh he's having a tough time his blinker doesn't work boss shit this is so wild there's 20 fucking more of these, dude. All you guys had shitty cars. Here we go. Before I got my license, it was kind of a snowy night.

Me and my mom went out to get dinner. And I was driving us and just had my permit. And it was pretty close to getting my license. And we were taking a turn into our neighborhood and i didn't come like a complete stop for turning but i got like around like probably 10 miles an hour or less so like pretty normal and then my car started sliding and clapped into the curb and popped like the right wheel really weird and it couldn't go over like 45 miles an hour without just shaking like there was an

earthquake going on and then also one time i was trying to hustle to my buddy's house to get us to a high school basketball game my senior year and we're a red light and i don't know why i thought we were in such a rush i tried to whip through like this little ditch part and then knocked off the plastic like piece on the bottom of the car and had to zip tie it up. And it was just dragging constantly. Oh, yeah. If you haven't had a zip tie in your car, dude, you've lived way too good of a life.

It was dragging constantly on the ground, like scraping, making a super loud sound. And it just sounded terrible and so embarrassing. Sparks were shooting up. and it was so loud like i was driving out there like on wheels with no tires basically oh yeah that's like all i think about every time i drive i'm like what if all my tires just fell off my car and i just bobsled it all the way to my house every time every time i'm in a car i'm like how the fuck are all my tires like on right now you know i just think one day they're just gonna all shoot off both sides knock the cars

on both lanes of traffic on either side of me and then just it's me my car with no wheels just spark skating all the way to my apartment yep that's what i think about he said oh the zip ties bro yeah you got a zip tire car once in your life you got a zip tire car how about me taking a girl to prom in my mom's convertible when i was a senior in high school thinking that shit was cool one two it was gonna rain and i was like it'd be it'd be cool to pick her up in a convertible my mom's what was i doing it like wasn't even that cool of a car but to make it a convertible you had to zip tie the like the part the convertible part down like the part that you like press the button it's like

and it goes on top of your car or whatever which is really weird had to zip tie that down so like i picked up my date zip zip tied it down picked up my date and i was like hey dude i like jumped in the car like i didn't open the door i just like jumped in oh my god bro will somebody but i wish i someone go back in time to right before I jump in my car and load up a sniper rifle. And don't shoot me in the head. Don't shoot me in the head. Just shoot me right on top of the foot.

Right when I'm about to jump. Because I wouldn't have told my date that I got shot in the foot. I just would have like played it off. I would have been like, yeah, let's go. And I just would have gotten the car like a normal person. But then obviously my date was like, hey, can you like put the top up? Cause my hair.

And I was like, oh yeah, no problem. Let me just figure this out. Oh yeah, no problem. Let me just figure this out. So I had to take scissors out of the fucking, the door compartment because everything's in there and I had to cut the zip tie

and then manually like pull the roof over her head. You know what I would do now? Never go to a high school dance. That's how I solve that problem. Fuck the zip ties. Stay home. Just keep going.

I had a 2000 Jeep Cherokee growing up. So it's pretty cool to hear there's another Cherokee guy out there you wouldn't understand the thing that was wrong about it is the suspension on it and the back rear it was really bad so yeah every time I'd hit a pothole

or something I could hear the back axle like grinding itself to bits it was so bad and i could smell it sometimes it would happen and one day my dad was with me and he heard it and he got pissed with me because he never told me oh i never told him that it was doing that so and it cost him about around like a hundred hundreds hundreds of dollars. So yeah. Yeah.

When you can smell your car fucking up, how about when there's a weird noise your car's making and you're like, God damn, please don't be my car. Please don't be my car. Please be that. You're like, please be the car next to me. You look next to you and it's like a freshly washed Lexus. You're like, fuck, it's my car.

God damn it. Why is it squeaking? I had a 91 Honda Accord and I had to hit the gas tank, the bottom of the car, the gas tank with a hammer to get it to start. What the fuck man the things you'll do just to start your car but not get a new car you know all that little bullshit you gotta do instead of just saving up and fixing it and getting a new car you're like i'm just gonna keep fucking hit it with a gas tank with a hammer how's your car not blow up

let's keep going cut more cut more cut more in 2010 my first car was a 2004 jeep wrler. And the weird thing about it was that the steering wheel was on the right side. So it used to be an old male Jeep and it made parallel parking really easy. But I had to go through drive-thrus backwards. I think I would love that. Wait, going through a drive-thru backwards. So you had to reverse?

Yeah, you're probably the best driver ever. I'd either love that or just never get fast food. Gotta go inside. My Jeep, it's from fucking Britain. Why would they ever make cars like that imagine pulling into mcdonald's backwards dude just facing the fat asses behind you what'd you get oh yeah 10 piece or 12

did you get honey to dip them in alright nice have a good day you're just fucking staring at them how about the two windows at fast food restaurants? Is that even a thing anymore? They're like, pull around to the second window.

I'm like, just the one that we always go to? Brick over that first window, bro. Remember you had to pay and then pick up your food? What's that first window for? You go to a fast food place, fast food place, look in the first, the one out of the two windows. There's always, it's always like their storage closet. I'm like, fuck, ew, put,

put tints on the window or something. There's like a rack in there. There's like a fucking hose. There's a cash register from 1982. That first window, bro, there's like the ghost of Ronald McDonald's incdonald's in there you're like ah hamburglar's just fucking looking at you and shit doing this with his fingers i'm like jesus christ bro clean your shit up or like put put like a curtain in front of that or something everybody can see that because you never know after you pull off from the speaker you're like damn did they say window one even though i haven't gone to window one since like 2001 then you look in there and it's just like fuck it it looks like an old high school

football shower with just a gatorade cooler there There's some cones. There's a foot. There's a foot ladder. There's like a ladder in there. You're like, what the fuck is going on, man? There's a weird fur coat. You're like, was my grandma here? Let's keep going. So I still have my first car. It's a 2004 Ford F-150. So I still have my first car. It's a 2004 Ford F-150. Haven't really had a lot of problems with it, but it has a design flaw in that the radio has an aux button, but there's no aux input. So whenever my friends would ride with me, they'd see that and they'd be like, oh bro, can I play on the aux? And I'd be like, sorry, it doesn't work. And then I'm like one of those people that always has to have music playing in the car.

So we just ride around in silence or just listen to the radio, which was really sad. Nothing I like more than driving in silence, dude. But the good news is I did buy one of those Bluetooth transmitter things. So not only can I listen to music, but I can also listen to these guys and the espresso podcast while I'm in my truck. Fuck. I love you. That's that shit right there. Thank you, dog. Hey, how about the people that their radio in their car doesn't work and they have to listen to the, they have AirPods in. You ever see somebody driving around with airpods in you're like oh i hate those people well like my radio doesn't work so so you don't need to listen to music that bad that's why you're ready that's why your radio doesn't work it's a sign from the heavens that just chill the fuck out listen to

your thoughts for a second oh Oh my God. Who needs to listen to music that bad? They put in headphones. Like what if there's a, what if there's a fire truck? Your ass is dead. How haven't 13 ambulances run my car over by now is what I want to know every single day. I should just be getting stone cold T-bone by ambulances Dude I should be getting Ambulances should be ruining my life We killed him what do we do I don't know we're an ambulance Should we just put him inside

I guess On the way to get somebody else My fucking dead ass in there All beat up Hey you having a heart attack I'll scoot over here Sit right here. You ever get in somebody's car

and their radio doesn't work so bad that they have a Bluetooth speaker in the back? I did that one time, and I was like, I shouldn't be in this car. We're listening to Phil Collins and shit from your Bluetooth speaker in the back that you're pretending is a real speaker. Should we make out? Hey, Benny.

My first car was 1999 Volvo S80. And sometimes when the headlights didn't work i had to reach down under my steering wheel panel and hit a certain small box and only then the lights went on why did that just make me that was i think this is the happiest i'll ever be in my life after that bro can you can this person just tell me a story? Anything. Say anything. This needs to be a soundbite or something.

Hey, Benny. Took my breath away. But she had to find her lights. God, who cares? You don't need to drive with lights baby girl they can fucking see your star shine wherever you go what an amazing voice hey vinnie 2000 ford focus gray absolute beater just a classic beater car. We scored it from a nun who had gotten into an accident and thought it was a bad omen or a curse or something, and we had a family connection that got it for us.

And this thing had no miles on it, but by the time we were done with this thing, you had to stab it with a screwdriver to get the gears engaged. So you'd come out of park and you'd have to stab the gear gear shift in this little gap and that'll let you release the lock so you could actually put the thing into drive or reverse so we're like constantly had to stab this fucking car with one hand and then move the gear shift with the other that was fucked it was the best car ever all that shit to start a car hey more like a Ford distracted. Oh my god, I'm gonna fucking faint.

Oh my god, dude. I'd love to stab a car though with a screwdriver. That would feel good. Let's go, babe. Top five badass ways to start a car imagine if your girl had to move your car though hey how do i get this thing out of my driveway i'll just fucking stab it with that philips screwdriver in my uh middle console got it

what got it what what the fuck are you talking about stab it yeah babe just stab it what do you mean where it's just the worst conversation ever like never mind i'll get a new car ford focus bro i feel like i could pick up a ford focus and like move it like have it up here on my back and like move it like have it up here on my back and like move it somewhere you know like you and your you and your friend could if you saw if you and your friend saw a ford focus you can get on both sides of it pick it up and like move it to a different parking lot and the person would be like where the fuck where my car go they're like just made out of nothing i wish you could fucking move cars like that'd be so funny. How about

tow trucks? Just literally moving your car. Jesus Christ, bro. Tow trucks. This gotta be the most inconvenient thing ever. A tow truck. Oh, I didn't know I could park there. Oh, well, your car's gone now. We took it. Where'd you take it? Oh, you're going to have to figure that out. Not telling. I'm like, what the fuck? What tow truck company is this? Does a 13 year old girl run every tow trucking company? Not telling where it is. You got to figure it out. I didn't know i couldn't park there you should have read the sign that is invisible you should know the rules because you live in a different state you don't know the rules come find your car where is it we're not telling

when you get there how much uh let me see i got no reason for it but five hundred dollars jesus fucking christ just because i have no idea parking dude my god what an inconvenience that's it bro wait one more one more fuck it you know all right so my first car and the thing that was wrong with it was i had a 2001 f-150 in high school rusted all out to hell like in the worst shape ever like 200 000 miles just on its way out and my buddy and i used to go down to the ocean like where you launch the boats into the bay ramp and so to freak him out and some friends,

I remember I drove it like five feet into the water, you know, cause I was a stupid high schooler, took it out. At first, nothing went wrong. It sounded pretty cool. Actually,

some of the pipes had water in them. So that sounded cool. And then shortly thereafter crashed and it just died. So that was it. Fuck. Dude. Um, that's just all I needed from that story. I don't know what to say, man.

Went to the ocean in your rusty car. Fuck. Fuck. Yeah. That's it. You guys have some everybody has a fucked up car and if you don't have a fucked up car if you have like a brand new car

you know the bitch that gets a brand new car you know there's always one person at your high school that gets a new car dude and they always wreck it and they always deserve it so So to the people with shitty cars, this one's to you. I don't know where the fuck I was going with that. It was going to be lame either way, but a shot to 51. Thanks for listening, fam. Love you guys. Come out to the shows. Ontario, Kansas City, Albany, and Tampa. He remembered. He remembered.

I'll see you guys there. I'll talk to you next week.