Espresso - what's going on in ur situationship?

Episode Date: September 19, 2024

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question of the week what's going on in your uh little relationship your situation ship what's going what's going is there are you eh there's all there's it's never just okay ew imagine being happy in a relationship no thanks imagine being in one can't do it every time i say every time i'm like so dead serious about like i'm never getting the next week i'm like i think i kind of like god what's wrong with what's wrong with them but what's going on huh what's going on in your relationship or whatever you got going on we're like like talking. I don't know what we are. I'll tell you what you are in love. Cause if you're thinking about her, if you're thinking about him just a little more than normal, accidentally in love. Hey, has anybody like purposely ever fallen into

a relationship? Nope. Not in the history of the world. Can tell you, I haven't. Every time I have a girlfriend, I'm like, I have no idea how this happened, but we do need to end it soon. I can't be the only one. This is like an anti-relationship podcast kind of. So if you're new here, we're kind of just, we're always kind of single. It's just how it goes, but it's the best way to go. So, um, what's happening in my relationship life? Uh, absolutely nothing. The, the most awkward thing that happened to me recently was when I was on a dating

show to get into a relationship in six of the women that I was dating all called me asexual on a dating show and honestly I was kind of like I probably could be you ever think about that like I don't think I don't think it's really a like I Like I could probably go like, I could probably go a long time. I don't know. Like it's not really, is it overrated? It's not really like, it's never really my top priority, right?

I can't imagine just being like, yeah, I have to. Like who is doing like, I don't know, bro. I probably, I definitely, I could be asexual if someone was like, here's 50 bucks, be asexual. I'd be like, all right. Like, it's not that, what did I say when they all called me asexual? I had no idea what to say. I was just like, you know what I think of the truth is, honestly, if I was giving out

asexual vibes, it's because I wasn't attracted to anybody. Don't take it the wrong way. Yeah, yeah. If I'm on a dating show for a week with a bunch of girls I've never met in my life, I'm going to seem asexual. In the first three days? You know how weird I am in the first three days of meeting a girl and talking to them? You know how weird and awkward I am for

the first three months, six months, nine months? When's he himself around a girl? Is he? Not really. I don't know. If you're completely yourself around somebody that you like, bro, that's scary. If I'm a hundred% myself around a girl, the girl's not going to want to be with me. She's going to be like, why are you singing church songs all the time? All right, let's get to yours. What's going on?

What's going on in the situation, Chip? Yeah, I got a relationship problem. Can't wait. I have an ex from a reality show i was on who just got engaged to a used car salesman and she's still in my house during live streams what do i do oh sorry he uh works at gnc sorry the used car thing. It's on the side. Yeah, just let me know what I need to do there. But aside from that... Do I not look like I should manage a GNC right now? Did I just get back from locking up a GNC for the weekend?

Yeah. I'm getting to the point where I don't know if it's cool to be single anymore. I don't know if it's cool to be single anymore. I don't know if it's cool to be bachelor anymore. Was it ever? I was in a relationship for three years. And I just see something in everybody that I don't want to live with forever. I mean, including myself.

No, for real though though so what am i supposed to do there i don't fully understand here we are bro i mean we're getting older all the time man we're supposed to get married who's doing that talk about a midwife crisis he's fucking back he's fucking back mayo's back mayo's back he said i was done he's back he's never done i went season 69 let's go i don't hey uh dude I don't really know. I thought about the other day, though. I was like, is it lame?

Is it honestly some loser? Is it like, am I a loser if I'm single and like 55? Why in my head is that? Why is that perfect? That sounds amazing. If I was a kid and you're like, that guy that's 55, he's single. I was like, this basketball coach I grew up with he's 55 years old and my mom was like yeah he doesn't have a wife I was like yo that sounds sick so he just like coaches basketball practice and then does whatever

goes his job that's it that's that's awesome that's it that's like the pinnacle of happiness right are we I don't really think it's that weird i don't think i'll ever get married dude it's gotta like fall the perfect situation here it is mayo i mean here it is the perfect situation just gotta fall on your lap does it ever happen i mean we'll see i'm not mad if it doesn't imagine turning like 55 years old I feel like 55 is like where you where you might freak out probably not though for people like us dude I'll get some girls like dude you need to like you need to start getting serious one of the girls I used to live with was like you need to start like you need to figure it out you can't just not care and I was like I'll start caring about if I'm gonna get married when I'm 85

maybe I think when you hit a certain point it's just like man if it just like falls in my lap and everything's good and it's the right thing it feels good I guess let's do it but still like probably not dude you're right. Every time I meet somebody, I'm like, I mean, you're great, but there is this one thing that I can definitely break up with you over. Right? So you guys are just putting everything behind you. You meet somebody you kind of like, and you're like, oh, well you're like oh well this this and that but hey let's get married are people how do you make that decision you're like literally 17 years old like you can't spend your life with somebody that's kind of a big choice and i don't really even think i think a lot of people should not be married that are married

right you look around at people you married that are married, right? You look around at people you think that are married. I'm like, bro, you should, there should be a law that you can't get married until you're 30 for sure. And if you want to get married before you're 30, five of your closest friends,

Virgin mobile, my five of your clothes,. Virgin Mobile, my five of your closest, your eight best friends on MySpace growing up need to co-sign off on it. And if one of them says no, too bad. I'll be the guy that says no every time.

Don't put me in your top eight. I'll say no every single, should we, we want to get married. Can you co-sign on this? He's not ready. When will he be ready when he's 85 you'll know what's what's going on with your brain when you're 85 dude people that get married when they're like 21 i could talk about it all day but dude i'm with you man i don't uh

it is kind of lame i guess to be single but like just do what you want for sure. Because remember, every time I'm ever in a relationship, I'm like, yo, single me though. That boy's a dog. It's just what it is. I don't know. You're literally like 17. Okay. So I have a crush on a guy that my friend has had a crush on for a little bit. Nothing has ever happened with them before.

They never dated. They've never done anything. Plus she just started dating someone else. So I kind of feel like it's fine. Yeah. But need advice on that. And then second, he is someone that has a little bit more like social status. And by that, I mean, like followers and women kind of like, I don't know, getting his attention. um so I'm just wondering how I should go about standing out um or you know

making the first move I suppose dude hey girls that make the first move so much respect no like guys should make the first you know what some like guys are always

making the first move can we can we flip a sweat dude you really know a girl's into you when she and then i'm like okay cool i'm not just out here trying something that i don't know is officially gonna like actually happen make the first move for sure dude if if the girl that liked the guy that you like too has a boyfriend yo she's off limits dude if that girl gets mad that you're trying to go after the dude that she liked too guess what she doesn't have a boyfriend or a friend anymore that's the breaks babe hey you can't have your boyfriend or a friend anymore. That's the bricks, babe. Hey, you can't have your cake. Her name's definitely, I think it's Katie.

Her name's definitely Katie. It's definitely Katie. Hey, with an IE. Katie with IE, Katie with a Y. Two totally different people. How do you approach a dude that you just gotta you just gotta keep going you gotta keep going at him i think that's what i would like probably because you know people people like like will dm me and i'm like whatever but if they keep dming me i'm like okay like let's if somebody keeps trying to get

your attention like eventually you're gonna get in the door i think with most people but honestly if you say like a couple funny things to me i'm in dude honestly if you say one funny thing to me i'm in it doesn't have to be like like just like low-key funny like don't try too hard be be yourself be cool be witty be you you got it just slide up in there see what happens nothing hey what's he gonna say no and do it dudes will answer dms that's one thing about a girl shooting her shot to a guy like bro guys guys aren't ignoring dms guys are opening dms you want to get with a with a dude that has followers just literally dm them that's all a girl has to do with a guy with follow dm them that's it guy that wants to get with a girl with followers oh bro and that's how stalkers are made

dude if you want to get if a guy wants to get with a girl with followers it's like a nine step plan over two years time you have to like i don't even know i don't even go down that road but yeah your friend she's out of biz babe and you just slide just slide okay not gonna ramble because i did ramble and notice you had a two minute and 30 second like limit which is you can leave too for that i need that anyways um i went solo backpacking for two months in the summer i went to croatia one day met an american guy and I was American. And I was like, okay, perfect. So I invited him to spend a whole day with me on an island. The next day we spent the whole day together.

And then, you know, the next day we got lunch and one thing led to another. And I kind of took his virginity. So there's that. And then, you know, I went went to another was it on the virgin islands and then i was like hmm i kind of want to go back to croatia and then i went back to croatia spent a whole week and a half i want to say with this dude and you're in love all over croatia together and it literally felt like we were married. I know. Literally, I told this dude, I was like, you have a Colombian housewife.

So enjoy. And so literally, I don't know, like it was just that kind of vibe that we had with each other for a whole week and a half. I don't want to know how this ends. I don't want to know how it ends. We both made plans to go to Paris and we kind of followed each other to paris and we kind of like went to go see a few olympic games together oh my and watches the olympics with some random dude i mean i don't i don't how did that happen anyways um did that spent like multiple days in paris together and on his last day we went to a transition i said bye you know we kissed and hugged

and whatever yada yada you know movie scene wow epic cool um now that i'm back home uh we've been texting like off and on whatever um and then i was like i want to travel like in europe in october sometime in october and basically this dude bought me tickets. Oh my God. I offered to pay half cause I just felt bad, but he got me tickets to go to Croatia for a whole week. Um, like I leave on the 30th. Um, and I'm kind of like, what do, what expectation do I go into this with? Like, do I go into it? Like, Oh, have fun, whatever. Or do I go into this? Like, okay, what are we? Ooh, I hate that question, that question but like should i ask that i don't know should i define

something or what should i do i don't know help me i'd love any advice thanks baby can you help me who are you who's the guy who dude that is a crazy. That's a life I'll never live. That's kind of like every girl's dream a little bit. Right. Or sometimes even every guy's. You just like met another dude. You guys are. I want to run it back. But how long did you guys say you were? Did you say you were like like how long have you known this guy because the beginning of a relationship is tricky i'm bad in the beginning of a relationship i'll i'll go to i'll do a lot of dumb shit in the beginning of a relationship and set myself up for failure like it you you gotta make sure this guy's all in and then ask him what you are he will say you're dating though because you can't do all that and be like

just friends you took his virginity that's your boy like even if he doesn't think so like that's that's your man's you took his v and he's inviting you to croatia who who you who was it tim tebow who the hell who can who's doing all that god that is that sounds magical like on the on the on a lower scale that's some shit i would do but i would like just go to uh a two-day on a cruise with two for two days with a girl and be like oh my god i think are we and then like three months later would hit and i'd be like oh god what am i doing but like in those first like two months of a relationship, you can get away with anything. I'll do it. I'll go horseback riding.

I'll do some shit. You know what I mean? Like some shit. All of a sudden, I'm on a horse on a beach with a girl. Because I liked her a little bit. Month two. Month three, I'm like, what what am I doing I don't know it depends how long did you guys say you were holding I gotta I gotta I gotta dive back in I'm about to dive in maybe I'll hold you over so there's that um and then you know I went to

another country and then I was like hmm I kind of want to go back to Croatia and then I went to another country and then I was like, Hmm, I kind of want to go back to Croatia. And then I went back to Croatia, spent a whole week and a half. I want to say with this dude, it's gotta be literally, I don't know. Like it was just that kind of a few Olympic games together. Who goes and watches the, you know,

we hug and whatever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It sounds like it's, it sounds like it's around three, three months. First of all you guys are a thousand percent like dating

without a label you know what I mean you're in a situation um yeah and it's really up to you at this point because a guy's never going to be like what are we has that ever happened in the history of guys like literally what are we

because i'm gonna freak out right now dude guys could go 15 years in a relationship not knowing and that that would honestly work that would work with me god i'm fucked up though you don't want worst guy to be giving advice on a podcast but honestly i'm pretty good at giving other people advice on it he's gonna if you say what are we he's gonna say you're my girlfriend because i mean the 11th and honestly hey don't be shocked baby girl don't be shocked don't be shocked if this dude is mr knee jerk and proposes in croatia i'm just saying i'm just saying have you thought about it guys will do that guys will do that and i don't know if that's the one you you want to with right there. If he's like being all, I know you're the one.

You lost your virginity seven days ago. Ask him, see what he says. If he says no, pretty respectable, honestly. Give him an ultimatum okay if we're not boyfriend and girlfriend then after this trip then i'm never talking to you again give him one of those see what happens then he will propose um but yeah what should you do you should ask him because like i mean after all that stuff he kind of deserved to know what you guys are you know all those like events going to different countries bro if i fly

to a different country to see a girl we're dating my girlfriend's trying to peg me Should I say yes or no? Need help. That's crazy. Damn. I think you want to say yeah. It's all up to what you're comfortable with, man. I know a couple guys that you would not think, but they do it.

But they do it because they're like, I don know i just like like my i like what my girl likes i'm like yeah yes can you like do you have to go you know can she mess around like do something do something a little a peg is a 10 can she go like two or three on the ass play level? Work your way in? Just immediately. It's a peg! All right, Miss Peggy. Okay.

Jeez. I mean, I don't know if you're cool with it. I mean, hey, everybody's going to find out. Just know that. Just don't. If you're for a second like I care what people think about it, don't do it. But if you're like, yeah, dude, whatever. It's just my girl and that's what she likes doing and I support what she likes, you know.

Does she ever do stuff that you want to do? It might be her time. It might be her time to peg. Let Miss Peggy hit. Are you guys going to get married? Do you like her a lot? If you like her a lot, that's like her a lot that's what she's like to but remember once you feed the beast get ready get ready she's not gonna stop oinking

once you let miss peggy hit you're in for it bro you better you better swallow your pride toot that thing up and hope she's the one because that's i mean i i've met a couple girls who like to do that and they like to do that it's not just like a maybe once thing it's like yeah this is my shit literally uh but if you're not but if there's like an ounce of you that's like i kind of don't want to do it like like for real, then I just wouldn't do it.

Or let her go like level one, two on you, you know? Hey, this is all I'm doing. Be firm. Don't be wishy-washy because she'll pull that thing out of nowhere. Wham! Surprise! I'd say if you don't care at all do it but if there's an ounce of you that's like I don't want to do this like literally kind of

like if it makes your stomach like flip a little bit or like your heart sink or like you know what that feeling is there's a million of them and I feel all of them when I wake up every single morning if you get one little ounce of like that no no go with your gut babe because it's gonna hurt me and this boy have been talking

on and off for about five or six months we go on dates sometimes but we don't really see each other a whole lot he tells me that he wants me, but he, we never, he's never asked me to be his girlfriend, like specifically. So I don't really know if I should keep going with him. If I should tell him I want to be his girlfriend or if I should just drop him. If you really want to know, just drop him.

That's when you see the real, the real side of guys. Cause right now he's got it made. He sees you in every once. He goes on dates. He gets to, he gets to do it. If right now he's living life,

he might even be talking to a couple other girls. That's guys. But if you really want to if it's bugging you like you know you're like okay enough's enough you just gotta you just gotta cut him off stop talking to him a little bit see what he does if he doesn't care all right yeah you got your answer if he does care you got your answer too it's kind of a win-win a secret to a man's brain dudes are dudes love he's gonna he's gonna freak out if you stop talking to me he's gonna freak out because right now he's living he's he's in the best he's in rare form right now oh man hate to see it sorry bro sorry bro sorry bro she asked i'm sorry just stop talking to him as much you know just kind of start being sure with you know i mean

do your thing do you i know what you i know good dude girls invented this you do what you do and just do the thing to him god that hurt that sucks for him i can't believe i'm i'm giving that i can't believe i'm giving in but you gotta just see what you are you have to or just ask him straight what are we oh and he's gonna have to like gun to his head gun to your head right say that gun to your head right What are we? That'll make it fun for him. He'll be like, oh, gun to my head? Action movie. Then he'll make a joke. But be for real because I'm about to pull the trigger.

And if he's wishy-washy, just don't talk to him. But if he answers and he's like, uh, I don't want to, then just don't do it. But if he's like, I want you to be my girlfriend, then you know. Girls are the best about being decisive

when it comes to this stuff. So I'd straight up ask him and then, or if you want to play the game with him, just stop talking to him first. But just ask. Let's keep going. So I'm always the only brown person at my boyfriend's family functions and everybody makes it so known that i am the only brown person they're all predominantly white no offense okay no offense to you but i love white people obviously my boyfriend's white but um I'm not I'm mixed I'm Filipino and Native

American so it's like when I go it's just awkward and they make it awkward so I told him I wasn't gonna go to the next big gathering which is Thanksgiving and I told him I wasn't gonna go and he got upset of course so I'm just wondering should I go or should I not go what's the right thing to do here and also I told him that if I do go I'm gonna end up fighting everybody because I just don't it could be like the next standoff you know like back in the day when there was pilgrims and Indians I don't know yo I just don't want to be uncomfortable and I just don't like all the judginess going on I might just go to eat and then dip out like say hey happy thanksgiving and then leave that's it that's the answer honestly did that

not sound like the most white country girl of all time dude okay well pink silly are you from did you are you from Arkansas you're a white girl from arkansas i don't believe it um that's exactly what you do you can't not go if you really like them uh yeah you gotta go i mean if that's your man if that's your man thank you to my mans thank you to my mans if that's to my mans. If that's your mans, you have to go. Because flip it. What if he didn't like how your family treated him and he was like, I'm not going. You'd be so mad. You'd be so mad.

You'd be like, what? You bitch. Go. Come with me. And if he was like, no, no, for real. It makes me uncomfortable. It makes me honestly uncomfortable. You he was like, no, no, for real, it makes me uncomfortable. It makes me honestly uncomfortable. You'd be like,

okay, we'll just go for a little bit. So I think that's fair. But if you don't like them, don't go. I'm going to be completely honest. If I had a girlfriend and she was like, I don't want to go to your Christmas.

I'd be like, thank God. So he might be like that too. It doesn't sound like it though. And if I had a girlfriend that was like, I need you to come to my Christmas, like a hundred percent, I'd be like, I don't want to talk to you anymore ever.

So I think that the responsible thing to do in a relationship is to meet halfway, 50-50, go for a little bit, dip out. It's going to be weird because white people are weird. And honestly, they're probably like shocked that there's not, they're probably not being judgy. They're probably just like, they don't know how to act. They're not like racist, right? Because that's crazy. I probably wouldn't want to be with them if they're racist they're probably just like oh my god they probably want to be like really nice and respectful but they're just doing it all wrong because they're awkward and white that's just how it is sometimes

or they might like overcompensate and like hey i made you know you made a dish from your hometown of wherever the shit. Not the Asian cuisine on Thanksgiving, Grandma. Come on. It just tastes like straight rice. No flavor. Not the sushi roll, Grandma. Oh, God damn it. Oh, Native American too Okay Yeah if you if you like

Them for real you should you should go for tiny Bit You know the whole rundown The whole I don't want to be here It's the best It's the best best of both worlds and homeboy I'll probably uh tell his family too if they're like why didn't she still why she want to go he'll be like because you guys are weirdos

if he's really yo man but yeah go for a little bit go for a little bit go for a little bit it's your boyfriend it's your boyfriend go for a little bit but if you don't like him don't go i'm not the one to ask about that i hate family gatherings i never do stuff like this so let's see it's been like two years since i got out of a pretty narcissistic abusive relationship i've been on apps for like 20 minutes and i just can't be fucked fucking a bunch of losers i know and i'm just like how am i meant to meet people do i just flat out go and ask someone out um because i feel like guys never get asked out. I don't know.

Please do. I feel like the older you get, you should just be more direct and be like, hey, do you want to hang out or do you want to go get a drink or something or whatever? But I don't know. Apps are fucked. I love you. God dang.

Where are all the good people at? I feel like all the good people aren't on the fucking apps either. So it's like how do I meet these people? I don't know. I'm just like a single mum as well, so I've got to be really careful with who I fucking go home with and who I, if ever, bring anyone back to my home just for pure fucking safety reasons.

So I guess my roundabout question is if you don't want to be on apps do you guys like oh actually i don't give a fuck what guys like what do you think is the best way to get a date if you don't want to be on apps and you're kind of fucking sick of how fucking saturated and ingenuous everyone is man fuck i hope that makes sense thanks bye couldn't put it any better this is what you do i'm sorry but the people on dating apps are all kind of probably people you don't want to date this is coming from a guy that's never been on dating apps but from the looks of things when has that ever worked out it always seems like a waste of time and look that's what everybody says from i haven't experienced myself but everybody's like oh

my god i'm on the apps i hate it you know i mean this is what you do you're probably not going to meet anybody actually like outside that you really like because who's doing that you're not gonna like the only person unless it's like some lucky stuff which i mean it could happen maybe you meet somebody at the grocery store or something i can't even imagine where i'd meet somebody it'll be the most random place ever but maybe for that reason but the maybe you can do that out in public somewhere maybe you just strike up a in public somewhere maybe you just strike up a conversation with somebody and you like them and it's not at like a bar because like what are good people at bars dude the bar is a dating app dating apps are your local bar you're just like i mean this is what you do you find somebody you like on instagram

because that's where they're they showcase all their stuff that's like the date that's the best dating app instagram is the number one dating app you see somebody you like oh you like their pictures that you like the reels like, oh, you like their pictures, you like their reels. This sounds stupid, but that's where their heat is. You want to know something about somebody, you go to their Instagram. You meet somebody in public, what's the first thing you do if you like them? You go to their Instagram. That tells you everything you need to know about somebody maybe even more than themselves you know what i mean this this is like stupid but when i was on

lovers and liars like it was hard to get a read on the girls i was like oh she's cool she's cool they're all cool in her life but i was like honestly i need to see their instagrams to like see what's actually going on with them because that tells you everything you need to know everything just by like literally the look of the front page of their i don't even have to look at a picture just like their whole like profile i could be like okay yeah she's yeah she's cool i can literally tell you if i date them or not by just the look of their page. And if you like somebody's look at their page and they're like, you know, shoot your shot.

Because girls DMing dudes, so much more successful. A dude will respond. Kind of no matter what. Dude, you send me your microwave light. I will respond to you now the other way around a guy reaching out to a girl on instagram it's not gonna be as easy you gotta like you gotta like put some work in you gotta be a dog you gotta have text game i don't have text game you gotta it's a very slim chance that the girl even likes you to begin with

It's a very slim chance that the girl even likes you to begin with. But if you see somebody you like on Instagram, just hit them. Sup, boy? If a girl says sup, boy, to me, I'd be like, okay. You know what I'm going to do next? I'm going to look at your profile. If I like it, if it looks good, you can do it. The way a person's profile looks says everything about them.

It's like how your Instagram profile looks with all the pictures on there, your bio, all that kind of stuff. All that matters. Honestly, are you crazy? Do you have a bunch of emojis in your bio? If you got Corinthians, I'm not going to respond. If you got a bunch of emojis like a lot of them you see that person with like 40 emojis in their bio i'm like why would i ever you're insane

insane person hey your profile picture is not you it's just like a it's just like a picture of like like a like a pinterest board or you know i mean like like a there's so many people i'm like that's Like a Pinterest board. You know what I mean? There's so many people. I'm like, that's not. How are you not your profile page? That's crazy to me. Unless you're a meme page.

It's like a leaf. I'm like, who the hell are you? Inside of a person's car. Instagram profile, and the game of catchphrase. If you want to get to know somebody, those three. That's it.

That's all you need to know. Yeah, but Instagram's the best dating app. Try that. One more. Okay, so this was like about a month ago so i have a golden retriever puppy and that was it that was it right now anyways i got a puppy and it's a golden retriever and the guy that i was talking to he told me that he doesn't like he doesn't like golden retriever. Are you branding that thing?

And I was just like who doesn't like a golden retriever? They are literally the Dolly Parton Come on. Dolly Parton That's a rooster. That's a rooster. And Betty White of the dog breed.

So needless to say craziest voice message I wasn't wrong for not talking to him again right cause like that's weird yeah bro what if she was just acting like she's just pretending she's on a farm and she just was interrupting herself like

come on baby that was all her. I mean, if he doesn't like your dog, like he's out. He made his decision. I don't think you should talk to him again. He made his decision. That's the way to go. What if he didn't tell you he didn't like his dog

and you guys dated for two months and then he was like you know what I don't really like your your I don't really like Air Bud he starts

showing you signs and stuff throws and it breaks an Air Bud disc in half throws a Lassie calendar at the wall i just just thinking about golden retrievers now um i mean he was honest with you got like that i probably i think he just said no to you. Hey, damn, damn.

He might have just not been digging it and he just said I don't like golden retrievers. Take it out of there easy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just thinking about how I would say that to a girl.

Like, damn, I don't really like her, but I don't know how to tell her just tell her i'm allergic to dogs or something i'm not saying it's you but like that is a tactic i wouldn't talk to him again if he doesn't if he can't get over dogs dude if i really liked a girl and she had a dog that was annoying the piss out of me i would still like the i'd still i'd be like okay i'll deal with it dang every girl does have a pet though every girl is a pet never met a girl without a pet always a black cat every girl is a black cat every girl i've dated has a black hat every girl i've dated has a black hat and they're like hey can it or it's a different

kind of cat and it's always can you watch my cat and it's like oh my god yes oh my god that is a test if you like a girl or not do you guys just do that to see if we really like you because i'll say no i've said no i like the end of a relationship will you watch will you watch muffin i'm like no no i'm not watching muffin that's that's so crazy that's when you break up actually like i won't i won't be like, I want to break up with you, but I'll be like, I'm not watching Mittens. And then that's what it is. Then that, oh.

That's the final straw? Yeah, it is. We're here now. We did, this is it. I'm not watching Sox. Oh my God. You had to bring socks. You can't even watch my cat, you bitch.

I'm like, Jesus Christ. It's easier to say I don't want to watch socks than tell you I don't like you anymore. How about that? Whoops. Anyway, not that that ever happened to me. But yeah, I wouldn't talk to him again. Even if you like really like him because he doesn't like your dog.

Get over it. Get over it. A dog. I don't like dogs. But I'd get over it. Because after a while, dudes like dogs. It's every dude dog story of all time I don't like that no I don't know

every dad every guy it was me I did it when I was 14 dude my sister got a dog I was like what the come on more shit two hours later petting it i love the way he runs me two minutes later what was i doing

every guy warms up to a dog but i think think he just doesn't. I just don't think. Just don't. Just don't. Dang! That was good! Man, I wish there were more, but that's it. We'll do it again. Dude, Benny's love of Vice comes around like once a year. Maybe twice?

I think I did it maybe like 10 months ago or something. We'll do it again. Those were legit. I've never heard from like, I can't recognize a lot of those voices. So we got new peeps. We got new peeps on the pod. Welcome to the fam. All right, let's keep going.

Dear Diary. This could be cringe moment of the week too actually this whole entire podcast is cringe moment of the week cringe moment of the week um nobody take this the wrong way which means everybody's gonna take this the wrong way, which means everybody's going to take this the wrong way. All right. I sat on the plane next to two black dudes that were cool. And then I was like, like we were friends and they were funny. And I was like,

shit, dude, I can't fall asleep. I was too scared to fall asleep. Cause I was like, shit, dude. I can't fall asleep. I was too scared to fall asleep because I was like, they are going to fry me. They're going to roast me. They know my Instagram. I can't. I've done it before. I fell asleep next to this girl named Asia. She's a comedian from Indy in LA. She, you might've saw that post. Dude, she posted me sleeping. Hey. Dude, me sleeping? Why do I look like a dead senator?

Me sleeping. I look like a dead... legislator. Why? Why do I, why would I sleep? Why do I look like a Democrat? Dude, what is that?

Why do I have Republican face when I sleep? Dude, every time, dude, if you see me, if you see me awake, you're like oh what's up man what's up dude you see me asleep you're like that guy votes

i don't know i couldn't do it i couldn't do it like i just every single time dude and i fall asleep on planes ugly i don't give a shit when i fall asleep on planes ugly. I don't give a shit. When I fall asleep on a plane, just the hair. You can so tell. I need three hair transplants when I wake up from a nap on an airplane. I'm like, what happened, dude? My peninsula comes back. I'm Florida man when I wake up on an airplane an airplane i'm like what happened to my hairline

everything bro my breath when i wake up oh dude something something mean happens when i get on a plane the devil comes in my soul right when the the the god what are they called right when the airline what are they stewardess am i insane right when they hey welcome on welcome aboard the devil just goes in my soul and right when I sit down, I sound like a, I sound like a dryer in the airport bathroom. What happens to me? The breath, man. I cannot even believe what happens to my breath when I get on a plane. I'm like, how did this this happen I did the same routine I do every morning but somehow right when I step on a plane

I have exorcism breath oh in my whole body so I'm like why do my armpits smell it's literally I did nothing different than any other day why is everything why do i ew my hair looks like and i'm sitting by two funny black dudes bro it's over for me i'm not i can't and i use a pink blanket when i'm on a plane and I wasn't coming out. I'm scared. I'm not doing it. I might've dozed a couple of times, bro, but I did not go full sleep. I was so scared and it was so going to happen to it's how it's bit me before. I'm not doing it again. Don't fall asleep by funny people on planes. Only fall asleep next to a family,

a white family. God damn, I'm ugly. C-c-c-cringe moment of the week. Another one? Part two? How come last Thursday night both of my exes FaceTime me back- back, back to back. 3-2. They gave me the old 3-2-1-1.

Sounds like a defense in basketball. Full court. They gave me the old full court press. Dude, these are girls I haven't talked to in like a year plus. Which means I talk to them like every single day. No, I'm just kidding. Honestly. Like two years plus. One like one year plus which means i talk to him like every single day no i'm just kidding honestly like two years plus one like one year like actually she's she's like more like you know we'll just be like say some funny shit every now and then then you don't talk for like six months but at what dude can you imagine you know what i did you know i did god damn it i regret it i regret it

i didn't even budge i just i just looked at my phone and waited for the name to go off my phone continued what i was doing again looked at my phone happened again like that same thing kept going i was in target i can tell you where were you when she called where were you every guy knows where they were when your ex called every guy knows every guy know target target looking for face wash i wish i would have picked up shit no one ever says i wish i would have picked up oh my god like why you know why for the bit god dang just like just to tell and honestly after i was like i can't call him back what if i would have called him hey for the bit meaning like for the for the pod

calls him back right now yo if I if I was really if I was really if I was really that dude I'd I'd do it right now what if I called him right now could never could never but cringe moment of the week all right let's do days then i gotta pick up something sexy a little insider info what am i okay i'm going to austin two weeks cap city comedy club see you there get your tickets right underneath her underneath here or bennypolizzi.com had a stroke always does one of my homies has all black vince young texas jersey he's letting me borrow it i gotta go pick it up from him one of my homies meaning my best friend from high school because i'm in my hometown right now obviously that's why i'm sitting on a big red couch at my divorced dad's house do we like it we do why why do you like it you're like

what like get your own place no divorced dad's house that's been the same for the past 15 years why would i not stay here oh it's my childhood home and when i'm here i get the best ideas i'm staying here is he ever gonna grow up no you're like never gonna grow up no your image huh all right uh I said we're gonna do days hasn't done it yet. Today, Thursday, National Papaw Day. There's one thing right there. If we're dating and you call your grandparents, one of them, Papaw, not coming to Christmas, babe.

Sorry. In that first three months that we're dating, I'm like, why don't I call my grandpa Papaw? You're so right. What am I doing? You're so right. You know what? That's so hot. I like you more that you call your grandpa, papa, right? Right. When three months hits. Ooh, I can't stand you anymore. Muted. I don't know. That's how my brain works. Maybe it's every guy, but Jesus Christ, it's every guy but jesus christ it's definitely me um yeah i know i don't know

i almost want to have kids so i can be like you're calling them grandma and grandpa and if you even if you e if i even hear you mutter the word mamaw i don't know it's it's it's no more uh you don't get to watch tv for the rest of your life like dude my punishment my punishments as a kid were insane because i kind of think that's how it should be like everybody's like oh my god my like i talk about my parents being like strict and shit but like that's honestly like i should be okay everybody's like dude were you chained to a radiator growing up and i was like yeah but like that's how all the like successful people were so i don't really think it's that bad like you you think not to not that i not that this is a

sports podcast or anything but you think nick saban just, like, had a great childhood? Bro, that dude is crazy for a reason. Because he's, like, on fire all the time. That dude wasn't just getting punished and, like, you know, going back to school the next day, all happy and shit. Like it was, it was, he was scared of his dad.

That's how he coaches. Yeah. But if my kids ever call my grandma or their grandma, mama, Hey, um, we're going to sit in the car outside of grandma and grandpa's house for a while. And you're going to be talked to do that,

that, that outside. Can you imagine me getting mad? You're right. That little, that little convo you have, do those talks in the driveway while the car's on and the doors are closed and you're in,

your dad's doing this to you. Yeah. on and the doors are closed and your dad's doing this to you? Yo, you're going to learn your lesson. Hey, when your dad whips his neck around. Hey. And it's more than like four words. It's like a two minute one and you can't even look him in the eye. Me with anybody. No, I won't be that serious but like just to come papaw i'll smack the shit out of you did this one this one kid i never even looked at this kid the same he when he he was like i went to my

mamaw and peepaw's house i was like i'm not we're not we're not in the same team on in pe anymore we're not on the same team. You ruined everything. Alex, you ruined everything. You're a bitch in my book. Just because he called his grandma Mamma. Yes! National Butterscotch Pudding Day. There you go.

That's an age thing. That's an age thing. There's so many age things with food it's just amazing hit 30 butterscotch pudding picking that over chocolate what in what world hey you know what i else you know you know what else? You know what else? Guy who has a stroke every time he tries to talk. Jesus Christ.

And he has a podcast? Even like screaming a lot, it's like making people unsubscribe. Okay. Sorry, it's my producer, Ashley, for all the new listeners. When you hit 30, this happens. Maybe even 24 you start to like muffins more than cupcakes bro what is that if you set down a blueberry muffin in front of me right now with the crumble topping hey hey in the salt flakes i mean hey and it's like it's like bursting out of the the little like paper you see a muffin sometimes and you're like yo that thing looks like a atomic bomb why is is that is that a muffin or a mushroom cloud from when they were testing bombs for the army when you see a muff a blueberry muffin with

salt flakes on the top the crumbles on the top and it looks like an atomic bomb next to a cupcake. I'm like, yeah. Sorry, babe, but I'm going into battle. I'm suiting up. No way, dude. A cupcake. And, you know, dude, what's even, what are cupcakes even worth? The like bottom, the butt of a cupcake? I'm like, throw that thing at the wall, bro.

If I'm eating a cupcake, I'm taking the top off. Taking the top off the defense. Taking the top off the cupcake. I'm taking the top off. I'm throwing the butt of the cupcake so hard in the trash that it hits the bottom. But that muffin, I'm

eating every goddamn crumb. I'm opening up the wrapper and I'm doing this with the wrapper on my teeth. You know how you like scratch your hand with the bottom row of your teeth? That's what I'm doing to the muffin wrapper.

In my car. All alone. At a red light. And I look to my right. And it's the girl I'm in love with watching me. And she's like this. And you go, holy fuck,

how she didn't see that. And then you look back and she's gone. And you never see her again. Just saying. Friday. see her again same friday fried rice day i don't know dude i'm so white that i don't even know it like the what's fried rice i don't know what's fried isn't all is all rice fried wouldn't i be able to really tell the difference between white rice brown rice fried rice what is fried is it like kind of like an orange does it have vegetables into in it how good would fried rice be in a burrito god dang fried rice fried rice but it looks like regular rice so I'm like is it really fried? Am I an idiot? Yes.

Fried rice? You're telling me they fried rice? You're telling me a chicken fried this rice? That doesn't, dude, rice, you can get me with rice every time. If you, honestly, if I'm walking down the street and somebody says open your hand and i open my hand and they scoop rice in my hand i'm gonna be like damn i don't know where that's from how it got there who that guy is i don't even know if this is rice but i will eat like four of them before i like throw it away you know for some reason dude it's like it's like tortilla chips at your i'm like i gotta have like four right four four turkey dude they're right there it's so tempting to eat that

top 10 most tempting foods tortilla chips at your table rice just like that's just like sitting there dude you ever get a bowl at chipotle and there's rice in? You're like, oh shit, I don't want the rice. But you end up eating all the rice. You're like, god damn, I can't. This is so good. Rice is just so good. And they're frying that thing? Ah. It's so hard not to eat the bread when they bring it

to your table. That brown bread at the Cheesecake Factory? Hey, the chocolate bread? It's so warm. How do they do it? Just baking bread all day back there at Cheat Cake? Cheat? Pepperoni pizza day?

Jesus Christ. The amount of times. You know what I like doing? Psycho 101. Get a pepperoni pizza, take all the pepperonis off, throw them away, then eat the pizza. I'm like,

this is just the same as pepperoni pizza, only I'm not going to have GERD for the next four weeks. I've been having GERD hard, dude. My roommate knows I have GERD. God, I hate it when people know, you know, I'm like, damn, you know, I have GERD. Cause they'll say, she'll talk shit. If somebody ever talks shit about your GERD, you're like, you know, they know everything about me. I was editing something. My roommate was right there over my shoulder. I kind of looking at it.

I was like, what if I put that there and that there and that, and that there, he goes, are you garden? You garden bro. You garden it up. I was like,

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh and I was like yeah I am good that's what I said because I didn't know I had nothing dude you caught me you caught me with my ass out you caught me with my gird out I go yeah I am worst breath ever yeah yeah he's probably like all right time to never talk to you again anybody's breath ever smells so bad you don't even look at them the same anymore you're like anybody's breath ever smells so bad you don't even look at them the same anymore you're like can't be friends with you anymore god bro that'll get me for the rest of you dude i'll hold a grudge on somebody with that bad breath and it's always me the guy who has bad i'm like ah

what am i supposed to do i just drank coffee god dang it i have no mints in my car i have no gum i'm just sorry i I guess I just, can I text you this whole time? Went to the hair transplant place today. Worst, worst breath of all time. All the just very good looking girls work there. Just nine of them. I'm like, what am I? It's so obvious in my breast. It can never be masked. Never. It's so obvious in my breast milk. It can never be masked. Never.

Maybe in the morning for six minutes. String cheese day. Not once, not once in the history of history has a girl said no to string cheese. Think about it. Yep. Saturday, New York day. God,

I love New York. The shirt, not the place. The shirt, I heart NY. I love those now, but I actually do. I don't know what it is about new york it's just never ending i'm like how does anybody imagine being god that's just that's an incredible

skill if you're like a taxi driver or an uber driver obviously obviously hey i can't wait till we bring taxis back i can't wait till till taxis come back like hotels are coming back. Oh, I got to check the battery real quick. Taxis are going to come back so hard like hotels are. God, I love that hotels are back. It feels so much better. Didn't it feel sketchy when everybody's getting Airbnbs and we were all just like,

guess what we're doing now it was so weird i'm like god i really just have to go i guess 582 dollars for four days i was like god damn all right jesus and these people are just watching me like go take just go pee I know they're watching me. Dude, I was in so many Airbnbs in LA before the whole, like, there might be cameras in there thing came out. Dude, everybody. There are so many pictures of my ass on Airbnb. Afterdark.com.

A million. God, they had to be like this guy's insane oh hey honestly on the real how much fun would that be okay not like the the them okay this sounds insane you'd rent out your house you have cameras in your house and you can just tap in what are they doing like you don't want to see them naked obviously but you're like are they fucking something up am i creepy for that yeah but everybody wants to do that every i i see why they did it i see why they put cameras in they have an apart dude imagine you can just watch from from's eye view, fly on the wall, but it's real. And you can just...

Me in your Airbnb just cooking chicken like way too hard. Sitting like this for way too long. Four hours. And that's it nobody's more disappointed in my performance as an airbnb host bro they're gonna be like oh yeah this guy yeah he's probably going to, yeah. Oh, yeah, he's probably going to, yeah. Dude, how was it? All he did was make chicken and sing church songs really loud. Ew.

Sunday. It'd just be like playing Sims is all I'm saying. You know, have fun with sims just watching people live yeah so much fun just literally bossing people around all day why was that game fun i think it's kind of weird that it was fun they couldn't really do shit the sims they could do five things and you'd be like i just guess I'll just build another room in the house. Why was that so... I would play The Sims all damn day.

It was a fun... And your parents couldn't tell you no. Get off that game! Why? Sometimes I'd be like if I was a mom or a dad if I was a mom Jesus Christ

of course I say that instead of if I was a dad if I was a mom and my kid was playing the Sims I'd be like you keep playing bitch and you don't get to use Rosebud you figure it out

figure out how to make a living because you're sure as hell not doing shit right here you're just taking how to make a living. You're sure as hell not doing shit right here. You're just taking it. Dude, yeah, that would actually piss me off. I'm like,

now I see why like parents are like the way they are. Oh, you want to take care of your bed, your room and your house on there, but not in real life. Okay.

house on on there but not in real life okay how about just kids shutting up for forever when they're playing a video game man that's got to feel good for a little bit parents got to be like all right yeah this is kind of nice me being annoying like breaking things, always asking for food, always asking to go somewhere, always asking to do something. Always just, always, mama. I always, can I, can I, hey, can we? Jesus, dude. But you make, you let me play a football video game and you don't hear a single thing for four hours i get it why kids are like ipad kids just shut up sunday brown butter day oh dude how about the first time you had apple butter it was that that was a life-changing day where were you everybody knows where they were

the first time they had apple butter huh wait what is this apple butter and the person that was like explaining apple butter to you was like are you an idiot and you're like oh my god how come the first time somebody explains something to me they they have to act like I'm from another planet. I'm like, no, I've never had apple butter. It honestly sounds like something from another planet, apple butter,

apple butter. Of course I'm going to try it, but like, where's this been all my life? I feel like I, everybody just for the first time had apple butter when they turned like 14. And it was their aunt's house. And your aunt made it and put it in a jar.

Yeah, Aunt Jill's apple butter. You never had it? Put it on some bread real quick. You try it. Oh. I think I ate a whole jar of apple butter that day. You know, my extreme dumb ass.

Give this guy an inch. Dude, a baguette from the grocery store, from, from Kroger or Ralph's. I got it covered now. I know grocery stores all across the country. You get a fresh baguette from the grocery store. Throw that thing in the oven for a little bit.

Get it crispy. Get it crispy to the point where you could break it in half on a wall. You know, smack a baguette against a wall, like a corner, you know what I mean? Like a doorway wall. Get it that crispy. Breaks in half, crumbs everywhere, that crispy, but the inside's still soft. And there's a mason jar of apple butter laying around. For some reason, there's a ribbon around the top.

You know that mason jar with something in it and there's a ribbon around it? You're like, oh. You take that stupid little jar top off, you know, on a mason jar. It's like weird. I'm like, why isn't this just a connected thing? You unscrew the thing that goes around the side. You're like, what the fuck?

Put that on the counter. You're like, I'm probably going to lose that. And you take the top off of a mason jar. I'm in. Every spy jar. I'm in. Every spy movie, I'm in. And you cut a piece of bread off that baguette real thin. It's not the end piece. You're not ready for the end piece yet.

It's just like that right up front. First guy in line. It's thin, bro. You don't need a thick ass piece. Stop cutting everything so thick. Gross. I hate people that cut stuff ugly. Ruined my whole day.

You ever see somebody cut up boiled carrots or something? Cut them ugly? I'm like, can you not see you know, like boiled carrots or something, just cut them ugly. I'm like, are you, can you not see? God, it's such a, it's such the, I'll, I'll not talk to you. I'll not go to your Christmas because you cut stuff ugly. Don't cut stuff ugly. You ever see your dad make you a plate? That's cutting stuff ugly. Dads don't know like i'm like yo i'm not fred flintstone my dad my dad would demand let me make you a plate b oh yeah when i didn't know any better i was like okay it seems like you it seems like i have no choice there you go sets it down in front of me i'm like this is for a cocker spaniel you cut stuff ugly bro and i finally broke let me make you a plate b no i'll i got it what do you mean you cut stuff ugly

cut the bread thin thin like a half of a hockey puck thin you know i'm talking about half of a hockey puck that that that width kind of fold it out fold it up yeah yeah like a taco dip it in the jar of apple butter in the mason jar in the top give it one of these yeah yeah and you're taking that bite when people aren't looking you wait for people to look away to take that bite because you just want to hey just let me have this just let me have this one that's why i eat i eat around i eat when people aren't looking let me just have this to myself please that's the only it's girls don't do it it might be a guy thing just let me dude guys can guys will zone in it always happens to me even like roommates guys will just go insane on food not say a word to each other do girls do that i've never been obviously when two girls are hanging out and

they're eating do they just go do they turn into dogs or is that guys i've had two two dude roommates in my life that I've like really like, really like hung with like that. Bro, and when we're hungry, no talkie. Devouring food. Like it's the last thing you'll ever eat. That's what you do to the hockey puck. Baguette apple butter you want to eat that in a closet you keep going back you know when everybody goes to sleep it's kind of like late night oh somebody's hungry again you pull out the bagette. It's back in the bag it came in. The bag's folded under the baguette in the fridge.

No, it's not in the fridge. I'm an idiot. It's just on the counter, so it's easier to even get. You keep seeing it. You're like, God damn, there it is. It's by the toaster oven. Should I? You said no three times.

You're like, I will at 11 o'clock. 11 o'clock. Right when it turns 11 o'clock, you're already in the kitchen. You make a deal with yourself. No, I'm not going to eat all the bread until 11 o'clock. It's 940. You're like, God. Jesus Christ.

Time's never gone slower just begging to get into a show on TV just anything you might go commit a crime to pass time, I might rob a bank this is taking so god damn long right when the clock strikes 11 in the kitchen then you tear that bread off it's a

little bigger this time it's not hockey puck because you turn into a savage at 11 o'clock no more hot no more delicate cut you're ripping you're ripping that baguette you know i mean fuck it i don't care nobody's up it's the weirdest like rip too it's like it kind of takes off a little bit on you you're like oh well didn't mean to get that much but now that's how much i deserve bro and you're putting way too much apple butter on there like like like an instant like whoa good thing no like if somebody saw this they might check me into like a facility you're going crazy bro and you overdo it you overdo it and you're in

hey you're your eyes you're like you're so happy when you're eating that shit. You can't believe, your eyes can't believe it when you're eating that apple butter and a little too much of it on a baguette. You're so happy. You're looking at the fridge and shit. You're just looking at anything. You just, dude, you know when you eat, you just got to look at something. You're looking at looking at the fridge and shit. You're just looking at anything. Dude, you know when you eat, you just got to look at something. You're looking at magnets on the fridge and shit. Looking at pictures of people on Halloween from 14 years ago.

You're looking at a calendar and nothing written on it it's not even the right month not that i've ever done that before oh my god all. All right. I got to dip. I got to pick up this Vince Young, Texas, all black Jersey. Best night of my life. Yes. All right, guys. I love you. Oh my God. I love you. Holy. Thank you for the voice messages. That means a lot that you trust me with your relationship advice. I don't think I'm wrong advice i don't think i'm wrong i don't think i'm wrong i obviously i don't think i'm wrong because duh but like i mean i wasn't like that all kind of made right i'm like shoot your shot ask him what it is if he's not sure bye ladies don't be scared because guys will answer and most of all most importantly overlying

lesson from for all overall advice just don't do it don't get into a relationship love you come to the shows know these guys pod this week, next Tuesday for sure. Um, I'll talk to you guys next week.

I love you. Burpee boy. Whoa. This whole podcast.