Espresso - what's on your anti-bucket list?

Episode Date: May 17, 2024

support benny and get every other pod and a weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi👁️👁️ watch on Youtube on this ep benny reacts to the things you never want to do (like join a CRICKET SPITTING CONTEST)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/Syracuse - May 30 https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/78054224/benedict-polizzi-syracuse-funny-bone-comedy-club-syracuse?partner_id=100Columbus - June 13 https://www.etix.com/ticket/p/52326531/benedict-pollizzi-columbus-funny-bone-comedy-club-columbus?partner_id=100Portland - June 26 https://portland.heliumcomedy.com/shows/254520💕 WATCH BENNY ON LOVERS & LIARS EVERY THURSDAY ON CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

One thing I will never do again is have a girl sit on my face. Sorry, have my wife sit on my face one badge for the rest of time, you know what I mean? Anyway, let's just say I had a bad experience involving an unknown bodily fluid. An unknown bodily fluid. Do you have the time to listen to me? Motherfucking Wayne. Oh, this is on. What's up, fam? Espresso podcast shot 308,015 million and 40.

Just kidding. Espresso podcast 315. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who went to New York City for the past two days and ate Chipotle every single meal. Can we talk? Let's talk. Hey, before we get started, upcoming stand-up comedy show, Syracuse, May 30th. Mommy's coming to town. Hey, Cuse, can we kiss? That's all I want to know. That all i'm asking columbus june 13th portland june 26 and a bunch more dates on benedictpolizzi.com get your tickies below uh under the pod in the description and remember to watch lovers and liars episode 6 on the cw it's out right now go watch it

uh best reality show ever the girls ever. The girls are crazy. The girls are crazy. The guys, we have no idea what we're doing. It's fun to watch. And the more I watch it, the crazier the girls get. I just can't. I thought it was like insane while it was happening. And now when I watch it, I'm like, this actually happened.

You guys actually said that? I don't know, dude. I can't even, I can't even explain. You just got to see it for yourself. And I'm not, I'm not even saying that on some, watch it because I'm on it. Like it's, it's crazy. Like mid conversation, this girl Camille was like, I'll have sex with you. Said that to Casey.

And I was like, how do you just say that? I don't know. You got to see it to believe it. Cause I still don't believe it. It's on the CW right now. And if you want some merch, Hey, Benedict,

merch.com for your Benedict pump covers your glonky hoodies. Your who's buying this hoodies, stickers, stickers. You like stickers. They're on there. We got everything. And join the Patreon.

Tell your homies in your tings and your girlies to join the Patreon. your homies and your tings and your girlies to join the patreon five dollars a month for a live stream and an every other espresso podcast it's worth it is it worth it 100 worth it you get a podcast live stream and sometimes a twerk kit it's live stream last week bro it's throwing like gummies against the wall and shit. Who's not watching that? Who's not watching that? Who's not watching? That's, that's what I want my Patreon content to be. Just food, just a food fight. $5 a month. That's it, dude. Help your boy out. Come on. But let's get to it. The espresso quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Is this recording? Yes, it is. Thank God.

Espresso question of the week. What's on your anti-bucket list? What's an anti-bucket list? What's an anti-bucket list? It's just the opposite of your bucket list. You know, what's something you never want to do? What's something you'll never do ever again? For me, uh, I usually always eat everything in front of me, everything in sight. Don't really care. Oh, it's weird. Um, yeah, it's a raw egg poached with, um, a weird sauce, hollandaise, raw salmon. I'm describing eggs Benedict, I think, but just anything. I'll eat anything at any time, really. And I was starving and I passed a Del taco. And I was like, you know what, dude, I just don't even know where anything is. I don't know where a Taco Bell is. Cause I wanted to, I wanted to go up some taco. I was ready, bro. I was ready to go in. You know, when you're ready for Taco Bell night, you're like, okay, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what I want.

Like I was, I was prime peak Taco Bell hours. Saw Del Taco took the chance. Sometimes you got to give him a chance. I like the underdog you know he's fighting i see him everywhere del taco so i'm like it's gotta be okay get like 33 worth of food because i'm like whatever like the menu was polarizing pull up to the del taco not thinking it's gonna be all that you know we'll just we'll play it safe the menu just had me in awe. I was drooling like, damn, they do it like this here. Why isn't this, why isn't it? Why have, what have I been missing? Get $33 worth of food. Um, I got some little taquitos. I got some, you know what I really want every time I'm really hungry. I'd always want a chicken quesadilla and it's the one from Taco Bell, but I, I pivot and

I get the one from Del Taco. Cause I'm like, how different can it be? How different can it be? Very different. It turns out to be very different. Um, I got a little dessert thing too. I was just ready to ball out at Del Taco. And I took like four, like two bites of everything. First two bites. I was like, this isn't that great. God damn it. Um, maybe I'm just really hungry. So I kept eating, you know, when you're, you're so hungry, you'll eat anything. This was me at Del Taco taking two bites of everything and throwing it back down on the floor of my car. Oh my God. Is it really this bad? Every time I was eating it, is it really that maybe I ordered the wrong stuff, bro, but i will never go back because of that

experience maybe it was a bad del taco i'm still giving them the benefit of the doubt because i i just can't i just don't know how you can mess up food that bad especially mexican food but but the chicken the best chicken quesadilla i've ever had of all time all time is Taco Bell you like don't know authentic Taco Bell like this is why okay Ashley hey hey I like what I like Ash I like what I like you're literally like tacky and trashy if you like Taco Bell okay hey we didn't ask you we didn't ask sorry that's my producer ashley she's a bitch it's the best quesadilla it is it's the best quesadilla uh i've tried everything chipotle quesadilla sometimes i do it just to think it's gonna be good it's never good it's not i just like the thin taco bell all right let's let's get to right, let's get to you guys.

Let's get to you guys. Don't go to Del Taco. We'll maybe do it and let me know how it goes. But let's hear yours. What's on your anti-bucket list? Let's talk. This is one of those bucket list things that's never happened to me, but I learned through a friend kind of deal that you don't want this. So he was hooking up with a chick, and she told him to hit her while they were fucking.

Oh, man, man, man, man, man. So he slapped her playfully kind of deal, I guess. And she said, no, don't be a bitch about it. Close your fucking fist. That's crazy. no, don't be a bitch about it. Close your fucking fist. That's crazy.

So, for that said, I will never be in that situation because if it does arise, that's when you just get the fuck out of there. So, for that being said, bucket list item, abusive sex when requested. Not going with it not even close can we ladies what are we supposed to do there what the fuck i want to open this up ladies what are we what are we supposed to do

um you you i've had that i've had i've done I haven't done it, but I've had it asked. And I was like, what? Like, you don't want that girls. You don't want that. But I, in my situation, I just like, I, I gave it the little, dude, I literally smacked this girl in the ribs. dude i literally smacked this girl in the ribs i was like is that good what do you come on like that's all i got like i'm i don't know i don't know just a little like you know when you pet a dog and it's down there and you give it the little that's what i did i gave it the old good boy yeah that was me that was my attempt at um I gave it the old good boy. Yeah, that was me.

That was my attempt at, you know, sexy time. It's all I got. That's all I got right there. That's the best I can do. So I don't know. But dude, he's right. Like, I need a tutorial on that. Because you asked the wrong guy to do that see you never

and you'll be on the news he's right let's keep going i will never vape again i started that shit like seven years ago and it's been an off and on battle since then. And I just quit this year. It is not worth it. How do you even quit, bro? How do you quit? Do the people, I feel like, man, I really, I, that was maybe the one thing I'm proud of that. I didn't do that because I look like I vape right now. You would think, but I just, Oh, you know what I did?

I went, I hit one night. I just thought vaping was like, just, uh, I thought it was like hookah. And I was like, I don't really think hookah does anything. It's just like, whatever. I don't think there's nicotine in, I never thought there was nicotine in hookah. I guess there is probably is, but I just thought it was like, just like, uh, flavored air. And I was just, I was out of, I was out with Joey Molinaro and he was like, yo hit this. And I was like, what is that? And he was like, it's just vape dude. And I was like, all right. He's like, I was like, does it do anything? He's like, not really.

This was back like four years ago. I was like, yeah, that's kind of, that's kind of dope. Of course. That's kind of dope. So, and then I just so and then i just i would not get i think i took it home with me that's how that's how dope it really was i i was just like this is just air bro that tastes like cotton candy bubble yum let's go hit it so many times right when i woke up my eyes open and i looked for the vape and I was like I gotta stop doing that right when my I was I'm right when my alarm went off my eyes right to the vape I knew where it was in my room and everything right on top of the desk where I left it my brain was like need it and I was like all right gotta stop gotta stop but if you've been vaping for like a year how do you there's no

way you're gonna stop there's no way and no and nobody quits i've been all my friends vape nobody quit i'm quitting they never do ever do and i'm that guy that'll take you like if you're like i'm quitting i'll take your vape and throw it off of like a 10 story building i'll throw it out of the car window no i thought you're quitting i'll do that nobody quits bro props to this guy quitter no but dude if you can quit vaping i think you can do anything because dude people are can quit vaping i think you can do anything because dude people are where's my vape dude they will flip over your entire you know when you lose your wallet and you're freaking out

lost wallet energy and you're like ah dude being around somebody that can't find their vape i have to like excuse myself from the situation i'm like yo i gotta get out of here you're you're doing too much accusing me and shit did you put it in your pocket i'm like why the, I got to get out of here. You're doing too much. Accusing me and shit. Did you put it in your pocket? I'm like, why the fuck would I put my, your dumb vape? They're getting bigger too. You notice that? Remember when vape started, they looked like a, like a, you know, you go to the, go to a bar and the bartender, like with the soda, like the, I said soda, with like the Coke

gun behind the bar. You're like, can I just have like a Sprite? And they're like, by the way, can we fix that noise? Restaurant guns, bartenders. It's amazing. Dude, I was at an open mic one time at a restaurant with a bar, obviously every open mic ever. And like, it was embarrassing as shit because you'd tell a joke and it wouldn't land. And then all you'd hear was the bartender in the back and you'd be like, right? It just sounded like somebody was clearing their throat in the back. Hey, can I have a Sprite real quick? Yeah, no problem.

Hey, can I have a Sprite real quick? Yeah, no problem. There you go. I'm like, but vapes now, they're getting bigger and they're starting to look like those guns. Remember in the beginning when people would vape, they'd be like, like they were holding a remote control from 2004 dude they're starting to get bigger we're starting to go back you know how trends come back fitted hats are back now i'm excited you know what else is coming back fat vapes i don't know how you quit but uh I think you gotta nobody's quitting nobody's quitting

just keep going what is something that I don't want to do um leave a voice message on a podcast aside from that I don't need to do heroin

um that's not a experience that I need Aside from that, I don't need to do heroin. That's not an experience that I need. There's a lot of things that are bad for you that might be fun to do once. But no, I don't think it'd be fun. Nope. Something else. Yeah, I don't need to go on a reality show. I don't need one month of my life yeah you might living with total strangers to be on a streaming platform a cw app you could download it for free

forever and i also don't need somebody plotting against me on national television to steal my girlfriend that I just met four days ago. Dude, he's right. These are not things that I need. What was that? No, no, no, Katie. I'm not talking to Ben. No, it's cool. Yeah, yeah.

That's another reality show. No, no. I don't think he's actually gonna lose this time no no no i don't think he's gonna lose this time i mean i think he's gonna pick a nice girl but like somehow he's gonna lose the fucking money um oh hey uh whoops spoiler alert um that's all false because i'm still dating and completely in love with katie thurston just saying spoiler alert nah but um heroin never even crossed my mind. How do you even get to that point? I am. I am kind of a bitch though when it comes to like drugs and shit. Like I won't try anything.

I won't even eat mayonnaise, dude. What's this in my car? I don't know, man. I felt the same way about reality TV. My friends were like, do it, pussy. And I was like, all right. Okay. All right.

I'm there. Let's go. When were like do it pussy and i was like all right okay all right i'm there let's go when do we do it it is a total mind fuck though i'm being completely honest he's right about all that there'll be people plotting everybody is is rooting against you and there's so many traps and you just have to like do it it's crazy be i think i'm just now honestly i think i'm just now back to my normal brain after being on reality tv for two and a half months straight shut the fuck up brb if i was invisible i would just walk right in your room come on dog what's wrong did you guys see that ring light just turned off i hit it and it turned back on that never works you know when something's

so fucked up you don't know how to fix it, and you turn into like a caveman, you hit it, and you're like, nah. And it turns on. I just did that with the ring light, and it works now. But yeah, I think my brain is finally back to like functioning normal again. Not in reality TV mode. Took a year. Which, um,

pretty reasonable, I think. But you should go on reality TV. You should, if you get the chance. Unlike some, unlike a weird show, Hoarders or something?

Pawn Stars? Bar Rescue? Dude, I'd love to go on like shark tank actually no that's my biggest fear can you imagine that dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun my stupid ass walks in there what's good, Sharks? So, I know you guys like lose your remotes all the time. I found a way that you could like, you know what? Never mind. I got to get out of here. Dude, right when they asked me the question, like right when they asked me a hard question

about numbers on shark tank, I'd be like, I'm good on this idea. Actually. I didn't really, I don't really care that much anymore. So how much equity did you put down and how many, how many products do you have out? And what, what are your margins? Uh, you know what, uh, go Mavs, big dog. And I'll see you guys later. Then I go out like this. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no Hey, man. I'm in bed right now next to my wife, so I have to be quiet. I love this. But one thing I will never do again is have a girl sit on my face. Sorry, have my wife sit on my face one vag for the rest of time you know what i mean anyway let's just say i had a bad

experience involving an unknown bodily fluid and when it's sealed around your mouth you know there's no way to get out of it so i I thought I was going to die, but I survived to tell the tale. Anyway, love you, buddy. God damn. I love you more. Wow. Next to his wife, ballsy. She was definitely sleeping or that was a lie because there ain't no way you'd be able to leave that voice message next to your wife. Oh my God. Can you imagine? What are you doing? wife oh my god can you imagine what are you doing i don't know i've never had a bad experience while ever doing anything with a girl uh i'm just grateful that it's happening i think i think i speak for maybe 25 of the male community i'm just i'm just happy that it's, I'm just happy to be there. Anything could happen during that moment.

Thanks. Thanks for cooperating. Wow. Got nothing to say. Got nothing. After every sexual experience I've ever had perfect to me it could be the worst one ever hey thanks for being here i don't know am i crazy i'm just i'm just grateful that it's had oh my god she oh my god she used her oh my god dude this is crazy that this ring like what if

i just did this bitch in the dark no i can't always something bruh oh my god oh my god i can't believe she hey just happy that you like me enough to even try anything like this that's that's my take um never gonna let that happen again bro yes that's don't lie to yourself don't lie to yourself never again he's a liar the boy's a liar. Big time liar. You're definitely going to do that. Definitely going to do that again. Even if it's the same situation,

you're going to do it again. Because whoever that was would be like, are you kidding? And you'd be like, yeah, you're right. Just saying. You're doing that again. You might have already done it again between now and whenever you left that voice message. Just keep going.

So my anti-bucket list, and I don't know if I'm allowed to say this, but white people activities. That's the best way I can sum it up. Skydiving, climbing mountains, swimming with sharks. Like, absolutely not. No, thank you. No, I will keep my two feet on the ground and look at the water. And if I want to see a mountain, I'll turn on the TV. That's fine. I don't know.

No, thank you. Do not put my life in danger. And like losing a limb? Ew, no. I'm happy, fully intact. Thank you very much. You ever see somebody with like half an arm and you're kind of like,

wood? You know? Am I insane? you know am i insane i saw a good looking girl with half of an arm and i was like uh my opinion does not change on you um and sharks i am not out on that one i am i'm in but uh yeah white people do really crazy shit why do we do that i guess it's just in our blood it is white people shit that is white culture it's just like yeah kissing our dogs and shit white people do the craziest shit we don't care

we don't care about it we i don't think white people are as scared of death as most cultures because we will die we will die for the story that is so true safaris have you seen that safari video when there's just tigers on top of like the, the car thing that they're in? I'm like, Jesus Christ, dude. What's who's in the, who's in the little Jeep thing that they're in the weird golf cart, safari golf cart, 16 white people. And they're still taking pictures of the tiger. Skydiving is insane to me. No no i don't want to do that never i might jump off of a big ass like cliff though with a parachute god that's

just me being white isn't it white people will eat crazy shit too. I realized that. I did this one time. I'll never do it again because the way both my black friends looked at me. I cooked an entire, we were starving. 3 a.m., 2 a.m. on some college, on some college type activities. Made a frozen pizza, put put in the oven boom perfect boom done ready hot sliced it perfectly symmetric everything we're about to go in me and two of my homies and i was like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. And they're like, what bro?

And I put it in the freezer first. You ever put your, your, your frozen pizza that's ready to, ready to go, but it's 9,000 degree. I put it in the freezer and they're like, no, what the fuck dog? And I was like, oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Never do it again. The way they looked at me, like, are you fucking insane insane that's some white people shit you ever cool down your froze your dijono pizza you ever cool down your dijono pizza put it in the freezer then forget it's in the freezer then you have a frozen pizza again and then you gotta recook it so stupid white people shit i can't be the only person that's bro one time i put a frozen pizza outside i cooked a frozen pizza put it outside for it to cool off and an entire dog family of dogs ate it and i just had the the, like the, the cardboard was all fucked up. And I was like,

I'm never doing that again. Freezer every time. Sharks. Uh, I came up with an invention. It's the pizza cooler downer. Uh, that's just a freezer. Okay, I'll see you guys later. Let's keep going. Okay, that was my test voice message. Let's keep going. Go to Disneyland. I don't get it. I don't like it.

I won't do it. I've been twice this year and I've been to Disney world once. Um, yeah, I'm, I'm not, I'm with you on that. Like who cares? It's just like going to an amusement park. Really? Let me tell you, let me tell you this it's fun to do if you're with somebody that likes disney because i in a million years would never do that but if you're with somebody that likes disney like they're they're like they can't believe it and you're like cool it'd be like going to an nfl game with your boyfriend or husband they're like whoa babe and you're like as long as you're happy type shit i mean it's dope there's good food but that's what i take out of every situation i don't want to be in i'm like there's lit food here.

It's good enough for me. But it's Disney World and Disney parks are just like going to an amusement park. And I'll mess around and go to an amusement park. It's fun. You know, there's good food. Bottom line, there's food there. But, I mean, if you don't really like going to amusement parks and you don't give a shit about Disney, there is absolutely no reason for you to go to Disney World

because it is, like, expensive, I guess. I never thought I'd go. Whatever. Just moved close to it, and I like okay i've gone twice because people just fuck fuck around and want to go on a random wednesday let's go to disneyland i'm like okay to eat that's the thing about like when you live close it's like yeah let's go to disneyland to eat all right they got everything bro to Disneyland to eat. All right.

They got everything, bro. It's cool on some different shit. You know, I just went on some different shit. Realize everyone there wears knee braces and went home. But yeah, it is kind of like if you're not if you're not if you're not open-minded about it it is like why would i ever i get it all right i have two things on my anti-bucket list. Number one is smoking. The only nicotine I've done, I think I smoked like one cigarette and a cigar maybe, but also I did like dip in high school just for a little bit. That shit is so gross, man. Across the board, it's all just fucking nasty and it's terrible for you.

I love this guy i mean it's got to be one of the least healthy things just fucking blowing smoke right in your goddamn lungs but anyway so that definitely nasty smells bad it's all over your clothes and you just become a different person when you start smoking i'm sorry if there's any smokers that listen to this but you are you're just a different person entirely and then the second thing is cruise lines i have no desire to get on cruise lines i've just seen too many news stories about people being stranded at sea with hundreds of people they don't know um if i'm gonna go out into the water i want it to be with people i know i just i don't know that just doesn't sound enjoyable to me anyway those are my two man thanks love the pod no the cruise oh my god that is the number one answer going on a cruise anti-bucket list

i almost did it i almost did it one time i was trying to talk me i was trying to talk my friends into going on a gronk cruise it was gronk rob gronkowski and three of his four of his 19 of his brothers were putting on a cruise. And I was like, dude, I'm going like, it's gotta be dope. Like if I'm going to go on a cruise ever, it's going to be this one. And I tried to talk my friends into it and they didn't want to. And I was like, God, thank God they didn't want to. I could not even imagine myself on a cruise. Can you imagine? What's the After one day I'd be like

Oh my god I'm stuck here Holy shit I don't know I don't know I guess I'd do it like for the For the bit I'd do it Just to see what the

Just to see how bad it really is I'd do it Maybe for one day, but cruises are always like five days. Everybody's so ugly. That's what I think. I feel like a cruise is just a casino outside, outside casino. That all inclusive joint sounds a little tempting. Not going to lie. You mean everything's free? I can imagine a world where you can just go up anywhere and be like, yeah, give me four, 14 of those.

I think it's so crazy when shit's free. That's, I guess that's a reason I would go just because you can like, just keep getting things for free, even though you already paid for it, but it doesn't seem like a fake money gang. Went through that at the Kentucky Derby. I went to the Kentucky Derby and everything's free. Doesn't matter. I'm like, so I can go there and get 10 of those and it's free?

Yep. Okay. Everything's free inside after you pay for the ticket. Still can't believe it's true. Smoking, yeah. for the ticket still can't believe it's true smoking yeah it's it's just a gross it's just gross dude it's cool in a picture to like once maybe now it's not even that was the dumbest thing i've ever done in my life so gross dude it's so expensive i know this is like not the podcast to talk about like health and nicks and health and finances but like you stop drinking or smoking dude your bank account is like oh so it does make a difference.

Yeah, but cruises, dude, I could never. I could never. That is a great answer. It doesn't even matter what kind of cruise it is. I'd be like, absolutely not. Let's keep going. Okay, I submitted two earlier, but I have one more I wanted to add. Flying a small plane.

I feel like I see people do that, and it's super impressive when people fly planes. But there is no way in hell I'm ever going to trust my dumb ass to fly a plane and land it. You're flying it? I know I'd fuck up. I mean, I've just seen too many things like harrison ford crashing his plane like four times that's like a suicide mission i'm totally not gonna trust myself to do that definitely respect people i do but it's not for me okay amelia erhart people are just flying planes like that i thought thought you meant getting in one, you know, like a two person plane and like the guys, the pilot and you're in the back, it's in like movies and shit. And they have like a scarf and goggles and a little hat on.

I thought you meant getting in one of those bro flying your own. Every time a plane crashes, I'm like, yeah, no shit. You know, every time I see a plane crash, I'm like, duh, what'd you think was going to happen? You were going to make it. Every time I get on a plane, I'm like, this is going down for sure. I think you're crazy if you don't think like that. So I can just get on this weird ass plane and it can just get to where I need to go. And it works every time.

Every time I get on a plane, I'm like this thing. Hey, see you guys later. See you guys in hell. Every time this isn't going to hit any other million of the planes that are in the air, this plane isn't going to cross paths. I just, I'll never understand how that happens. And it just lands safely every time. Crazy to me. But flying your own plane? Just out of nowhere?

A solo plane? How come I could, I feel like I could survive. This is some guy shit here. If I was on a solo one person plane and I was flying it and I started to fuck up and a propeller went out or I like didn't know what I was doing and I went up with the thing instead of down and it landed in the ocean, I feel like I would survive that. Right? Like if a plane lands in the ocean, I feel like I'm getting out. I'm getting out of that. Like it's in water. You're good. Right? No right no no big explosion it's engulfed in water you just

fucking have a little have a little patience have some poise kick open the door and get your ass out of there i feel like if my car went off of a bridge in the ocean. I'm getting out of that. Kick open the window with two feet. You've seen it in Mission Impossible and swim up to the top. You're literally an idiot. All right, Ashley. So Purdue has their annual bug bowl and at the bug bowl you can enter the cricket spitting contest

and if you don't know what that is you literally put just a dead cricket into your mouth and then you spit it to see how far you can spit it and that's the competition it's just who can spit a dead cricket the farthest and for for some reason, I entered this contest. Hell yeah. I actually won the contest, but I will never do that again. I actually got a sore throat for like three days after spitting a dead cricket out of my mouth. That sounds like there's no way I wouldn't do that. Wait, was it live?

Live? Ooh, a sore throat from a cricket. Why is she in the hospital? Spitting crickets? Spitting crickets sounds like a podcast. Welcome back to spitting crickets. I would 100% spit a cricket. I wonder how far it went.

She won just because she's the only one that did it. A sore throat from spitting a cricket pisses me off, dude. I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face after that. Is it contagious? I don't know. She has a sore throat. I don't want to drink after. No, it's fine.

What do you mean? I just got it because I spit a cricket. That's some dream shit. I would do that in two seconds. Spitting cricket competition at my college. When do we start? I already got one in my mouth. Ready to go. They're like, here's your cricket. You're like, nah, actually I've been gumming a cricket for two weeks. That thing's ready to roll. Yeah. Is it dead? No, no, no. It's alive. I've been feeding it breadcrumbs and shit. Yeah. So I was like, here's what I do. I just like go to Del Taco. I get a quesadilla. I chew it up. I swallow half of it it I put the other half in my cheek For Jimmy up there

Jimmy yeah it's his name Jiminy Crickets Jimmy is what I call him But he's ready to roll whenever we want to get started God I wish I could I wish I could do that Yo Benedict Love the pod man love all your content i love this guy bucket list number one

is eating at a hibachi restaurant oh i uh never need to do that again in my life have done it multiple times unfortunately i am you're me yeah man i don't need to watch someone cook the food squirt whatever mystery fluid into my mouth into some poor kid's mouth uh flip chicken and shrimp around into other people's mouths i hate it do the you know the choo-choo onion pisses me off so bad dude nah man how about you know we just do it this way i place an order for the food you cook it in the back you bring it out to my table and i eat in peace and quiet and you fuck off forever smells and the other people across from you that you have no idea who they are or next to you at the table so uh yeah man thanks for listening to my rant keep up the good work

talk to you soon brother love you dude bro it's just every time i've ever been to a hibachi restaurant it's against my will actually anytime i do anything it's just every time I've ever been to a hibashi restaurant, it's against my will. Actually, anytime I do anything, it's against my will. Do you want to be here? No, you're acting like you don't want to be here. It's because I never want to be anywhere. God, isn't that? That is the crux of this podcast.

Can't say it enough. I don't want to be here. Yo, Benedict. Love the pod, man. Love all your content. Imagine waking up and being like, God damn, I really want hibachi. You got to be a lunatic.

I'm sorry, but that's how That's how some girls brains work And it's insane to me I'm like there's no way you Really? Alright It's always against my will Never once Never had Have you ever left hibachi like damn that was so good i'm so dude every time i leave

i've been hibachi twice two for two i have hives on my neck i'm like what the what did we just do man that's so good. That is so good. Going on a cruise in Hibachi. I can't think of... Those are two really good ones. Spitting crickets, girl. You better chill out on that because that's bucket list.

That is not anti. Sore throat three weeks for spitting a cricket? Worth it. Hibachi, dude. And I know that... Hibachi. Let's keep going. And I forgot to leave my details,

but yeah, the Hibachi rant was by me, Taco, in Jacksonville, Florida. Once again, thanks for the good content, man, and keep it up. Dude, it's anonymous. But Jacksonville, what up? I heard it smells like fish there, and I wouldn't care if it smelled like fish.

This is what I'm over. I'm over people being like, I can't believe you warmed up fish in the break room. Now the whole break room smells. I'm like, get over it. Maybe. Cause I'm the guy that I'm the guy that warms up fish. I did that at my corporate job, like probably rule number one of what not to do. I was just on like a fish cake. I was eating so much tilapia Which isn't good But like I'm learning and shit alright

I was like 25 I would get a bag of tilapia Cook it Eat half of it And the other half I'd take to work Warm it up in the microwave What do you want me to do man I don't give a shit if it smells in here

What are you doing hanging out in the break room I engulf Engulf your food in two seconds and get your ass back to work so you can leave earlier i don't know my worst nightmare hanging like eating with people in the break room at work why don't you ever because are you serious i hate all of you i hate all of you the last thing i want to do at work is be friends with anybody i i'm here for for one reason and it is not any socializing am i fucking insane no do you want to get hang out with you this weekend? I'd rather kill myself. Wow. Maybe I'm so introverted. Am I? I think we all are though.

If you're extroverted, what? I would go into work, actual work, four hours early so I could be around people for less. I don't know. I don't even know how we started talking about that. Oh, because Jacksonville smells like fish. That's my kind of city, baby. Anti-bucket list, going on a cruise in Hibachi. Dude, Hibachi on a cruise? Gun in my mouth don't squirt the sake in my mouth squirt a fucking guac in my mouth just keep going dear diary this is gonna be insane i i just, I did a full send trip. Never really do shit like that,

but I thought it'd be worth it for once. The Webby awards were like, yo late notice, but, uh, do you want to like go on the red carpet and do polite cat calling at the Webby awards, which is like the internet's honor awards. It's like a big award show for people on the internet. that's honor awards. It's like a big award show for people on the internet. And I was like, my first, my first reaction to everything ever is absolutely not everything. Do you want to know? Even if it's in my head, do you want to work out to know, do you want to do this video? No. Do you want to do this reality? No. That's my first reaction to absolutely everything. And I think if, if it's not, no, you're crazy. I've never been like, yeah, I've never done that ever. Do you want a million dollars? I'd still be like, what, what do I have

to, what's going on here? You know, I'm always there. Maybe I'm just a negative person. I don't know. But I feel like everybody should think like that. If someone was like, do you want to go to a water park tomorrow? I'd be like, absolutely not. Up front, no. But like, give me some details. Maybe you'll change my mind. But like, no. So immediately I'm like, no.

Then I'm thinking about it. I'm like running it by people. I'm like, do you even know what this shit is? And they're like, then i'm thinking about it i'm like running it by people i'm like do you even know what this shit is and they're like yeah bro do it and i'm like okay ran it by my friend derrick he was like do it i was like all right that's all i need really is one person to co-sign i'm like cool i'm in um they gave me a list of people they're like i'm like yo give me some more information like what am i doing i don't want to go there and like just fuck it up because i will bro i will sabotage myself um they're like it's on monday dude they're talking to me on saturday and i was like okay dude so i get a flight call upboy Vito. He's a sick ass drone operator, camera guy. He's like, I'm in. I was like, we're rolling book flights, get a hotel,

pull up. The event starts at five o'clock. We pull up at four 45 Uber from the airport in New York suitcase, rolling up to the event the girl's like what's up and i'm like yo where can i change we just go in a bathroom i bring my suitcase in the bathroom lock the door change into like a suit get the megaphone get the camera equipment out all the equipment and dude i'm just trapping out this bathroom. You ever trap out a bathroom? God, it's a good feeling. You know, you've been around people all day and you get in a bathroom and he locked the door. It's one of those bigger bathrooms, solo bathroom. Doesn't it feel a little like when there's a solo bathroom, it feels a little like, damn, I can't, but like, it feels a little naughty. You're like, I can be in here right now.

Damn, I can't, but like, it feels a little naughty. You're like, I can be in here right now. Like I didn't, I didn't have to pay anybody to for this time. When you get a chance to be in a solo bathroom by yourself, that's got some fucking, got some room in there, bro. I'm just trapping this thing out and fucking folding my clothes, zip it up my suit and fucking. If you're listening outside of that bathroom, it sounds like two people wearing a full-out brawl in the bathroom i'm changing fucking taking a shit like i'm just like washing like putting like you know i got like my toiletry bag i hate that word but i'm like doing my hair i'm like it's just like full out, like savage mode in the bathroom. The girl outside

the bathroom that was probably like, are you okay? I was like, I was probably like, dude, there's probably like three seconds where I was like, like, just, just, just let's get like getting ready for something. Like I'm a maniac. Got it all figured out. Boom. Got the shit bang, got the camera on the tripod. Got the fucking mic'd up. Let's go. We roll out there to the red carpet. First thing I see, dude, two feet away, grimace, the McDonald's dude. And I'm there like cat call him. And I'm just like, shit. So I'm just going off the top with all this shit. I had a list of people. Cause I was like, who am I cackling? They just gave me all these people.

And I was like, I don't even know who they are. So I did some research and thought of a couple things. But after Grimace, I was like, are there going to be any more surprises? And they're like, oh, yeah, you didn't get the list we emailed you? Bro, she shows me a list with the people that are going to be there that I have to politely catcall. Ocho Cinco, Shannon Sharp, Elaine from Seinfeld, Kiki Palmer. I'm like,

all right, let's go. And you got to act like you know what you're doing. So they're like, you ready to go? And I'm like, yeah, dude, that's, that's one thing I figured out about everything is nobody knows what the fuck is going on. Cause no way, bro. I was just going with the flow. And you know, there's a line of people on the red carpet, like, Hey, Hey, Hey, Oh, Joe Sacco. Can can i i gotta quit can you and he's like nah bro and like you know it's just like ruthless cameramen oh dude hey nobody more rude hey hey you know what nobody's more of a piece of shit than a camera guy like a foot like why are they all so horny all so weird and they and they all have to, like, get the shot, so they're all just gonna, like, fucking, and reporters, too, you know what I mean, like, I've been in situations where there's, like, a press conference, and there's, like,

everybody asking a player a bunch of questions, and they're like, hey, hey, um, so you had a good second half. What's it look like tomorrow night against the Bucs? You know, they're just all like squirmy and like all newsy and like so unhealthy. That's camera. Camera like photographers are like that. Dude, and we were just at the end and they hadn't they'd never seen this shit before bro the megaphone dude i was tearing the roof off of that bitch like busting up people's audio

and i didn't we didn't give a shit i was like yo i'm full go and they were like yeah i was like it's gonna sound like this and i was like damn girl, I'm full go. And they were like, yeah, I was like, it's going to sound like this. And I was like, damn girl, it was loud as shit. And they were like, yeah. And I was like, I can say damn to all these. I can say damn girl to like, like if Oprah walks through this bitch, I can say damn girl. And they're like, rip it. I was like, it's all I need to hear. Full clearance. Just went crazy. And they were cool with it. And everybody, all the celebrities responded really well to it.

Which is insane to me. Because at first they're like, what the fuck? And then I'm like, you look like you moisturize your skin and they're like oh yeah their demeanor changes immediately and maybe it was just like the vibe or the tone but they're all down and we weren't holding back so uh shout out to the weebies webbies wow shout out to the webbies of course i fucked that up webbies for having us having me um salute was really fun and uh at the end of the night this always happens they're like uh you want to go into the award show and immediately in my head absolutely fucking not and there and then then then the other part of me dawned on me and I was

like just go in there and fucking do it dude like meet somebody you know so I just sat at a table with Vito my camera guy and the Jacksonville Jaguars video team and I was like what's up bro I don't know and then we left in like 20 seconds. And the lady was like, how quick can you turn the video around? And I was like, well, that means you want it immediately. So I stayed up the whole, dude, we went to our, dude, you gotta, you can't, you, I can't make this up. How quick can you turn the video around? Immediately, I guess. I guess we're doing it. So we leave, go to the hotel and I'm like in savage edit mode. I'm like, yo, we got to fucking link it up, chop it up, get it out to them. No wifi. We are in the shittiest hotel I've ever been in my life. There's we walk in, there's no front desk.

There's just a corner of a room and there's like a cocktail cocktail. There's like a cocktail cocktail. We love cocktails. There's a cocktail table, cocktail table. Another word with cocktail, the most manly word ever. You want some cocktail strip, cocktail fruit, cocktail cocktail. There's a cocktail table and a laptop on it. And I'm like, last name Polizzi. And they're like, yeah, two nights. And I'm like, yeah. And I'm like, just one question. What's the wifi? And they're like, it's out. And I'm like, you guys don't have fucking wifi for this. Nope. Should be back tomorrow morning. Okay. Dude, the whole hotel looks like one of those stores in like your hometown mall that like went out of business and another store went into it. And it's

like real trashy and tacky, you know, it's like a boutique and it's like, ew, it's called like ice. It's called something real stupid, feet locker you know like you know those stores in the mall that like they're like they're like the off-brand cereals feet locker you're like all right cool yeah i guess everything in here is fake that's what the hotel was like weird pictures on the wall like you know it smelled like a comedy club. That's how I knew it was a scam. I was like, this is disgusting, dude. The people were just like, I don't know. Every single person that worked there was like, I don't know. I was like, all right, as long as we can get in the room, I guess, dude, the hotel room, just cool. Got a room for two guys, one bed. I was like,

all right, cool. I mean, we're just going to sleep next to each other. Such a, Hey, these were the key cards. Look at this shit. Front of the key card for this crappy hotel. We were in a back of the key card. Nothing on it. Yep. Here's your card, dude. This is the epitome of the worst hotel ever bro and i don't want to complain too much because like it's fine but hey put a logo like nothing on here i could have just bought that shit from like staples and been like yeah i've never seen a blank card before so funny to me i don't even know like how's there even a microchip in this thing? I don't know. It's kind of the best hotel ever though, because the expectations were so low.

Like, yo, is there a breakfast? No. Is there a gym? No. Is there wifi? No. I was like, what are we even doing? And then the one, the, the like guy, half of me is like, okay, get a refund. But I'm like, dude, is it even worth it? You know, when you buy something online, you get it in the mail and it's like, man, I should probably return this. Cause it doesn't fit. But half of me is like, is it even worth all that? I was like, yo, I can try to get a refund. They probably won't give me the refund. I can try to book another hotel room. They're probably, I'm probably not going to get it like in time. Like there's probably not one like the money doesn't like, I was just like, fuck it, bro. Let's roll. I ended up not being too bad.

Lighting was horrible. I was like, is there, I don't really like taking dumps in a hotel when I'm with another person, I kind of think it's rude, maybe I'm just a bitch, I don't know, but I, like, if I don't really know them, like, they got, like, I go down to the, like, lobby bathroom, went to the lobby bathroom, I was like, where is it, they're like, it's right there, dude. It was so dark. I felt like a fucking 50 year old man. Pretty much am. It was so dark in that hotel. I almost ran into the wall twice. One time I did, I was like, holy shit. That's on camera. Such bad lighting went into the bathroom, dude. The stalls are like taped off. I think I was in the women's bathroom i was like what the fuck is going on does it even matter that i'm in here so bad i don't know everybody's like are you gonna like see i was like what's there to see

do i have a bad attitude i'm everybody's like are you going to like, what'd you do in New York? Did you, I'm like fucking nothing. Like we just went there, worked. Did you get anything good to eat? Dude, I went to Chipotle four times. That's what we did for food. Every time I go anywhere, I just look for the things that are familiar to me and I do them again. I'm like, okay, I'm in Las Vegas. Cool. Where's the Whole Foods? I don't know. Am I, am I crazy? Where's Chipotle and Whole Foods? Well, so I can like get my life together. Um, did the video turn around? It was good. The next night went polite cat calling in New York time square, a little nervous, honestly, because I'm like, don't know what to expect. Busy town, a lot of scammy stuff going on. I'm trying to be the main event scam. All right, let's do it. Pull up in New York.

Oh dude, we go to the heart of Times Square and there's so much shit happening in Times Square. There's guys with fucking pythons around their neck, walking around guys with parrots on, you know what I mean? It's just like a free for all people taking pictures for money. Like it's just, everything is just a shit show. Everything, everybody's hustling. Everybody's trying to like hustle tourists. Like there's just restaurants that are like front. Everything's weird. And like, all right. So I'm like, this will be perfect to catcall. So I stand up on this, like, you know, there's like, there's shit everywhere. I stand up on this big, like box thing. It's, it's, it's like a barricade or something. Vito stands up on the one across from me. I got the sign. I got the megaphone. We start crushing

There's people everywhere uh I I fucking send one out. There's a girl and a guy i'm like just to get them out I'm, like yo, we got to start this somehow. I don't know. I don't know how to start this shit. So I go damn Damn boy and everybody Dude, it was the moment Everybody's like because this thing is loud bro damn boy you look like you guys are meant to be bro just fucking start smiling so hard his girl's like oh my god dude

all the people are like oh shit it's about to go dad though this cop looks at me and was like hey you need to tone it down you're doing too much you're standing on this thing you need to tone it i was like what i almost dude the way i want to snap at cops sometimes and like get her i want to be that guy so bad the way i wanted to be like do you know where the fuck we are right now like what are you doing man bro it was it but she was like get down and i was like huh okay i'll get down but i'm still gonna do it and she was like you need to stop right now i was like i'm being too loud this is like the loudest place of all i was i almost couldn't believe it, but I was just like, all right. Oh my God. Damn. It was it. It was so it had the, it had the, it had like the,

the people were like in, they couldn't wait. Oh, whatever. So we went to a different spot and tried it and it worked out. All but uh damn that one hurt cops hey uh what cringe moment of the week cringe moment of the week all right so i'm standing on top of this big thing new york city times square i'm trying to be the fucking cat call guy in times square there's like a pretty girl and i'm like i'm about to get her dude i'm about to get her cringe cringe moment of the week i have a stroke attack in time square in front of all these people this girl's looking at me videotaping it and in my head i'm like all right sick i got one. I'm like, damn girl, you look like you never talk on your phone in speakerphone in public. I still can't say it. I still don't know it. You look like you never talk on speakerphone in public. Like I felt like it was a good one, like I felt like it was a good one bro the way I folded under pressure cringe moment of the week I was like damn girl girl you look like when you're on the phone and you're talking on the

phone you're never on speakerphone on the phone in front of your friends. Then I go, wait, wait, wait, nevermind. You look like you're, and I tried to do take two. She's recording the whole thing, by the way. You look like you never talk on the phone when it's on speakerphone. Fuck. And then I just go, hey, delete that video. Oh. Fuck. And then I just go, Hey, delete that video.

Cringe moment of the week. He can't speak when anyone around him is semi-attractive. Actually, you know what? Doesn't even matter. He can't speak. All right. One more thing that happened in New York.ork uh show and tell we walk by this bagel place see something just nothing will get me like a bagel place gets me nothing and they just have every single kind of i'm such a tort i'm such a bitch for this shit walk in there and i'm like, give me this bagel. Look at the bagel I got. Of course. Of course I get the gayest bagel.

God, it's so sexy though, isn't it? Jesus. I'm like, how do you even make that? I had to get it. I'm gonna eat some of it right now. Taste it. Imagine the priest at church with this above his head. The body.

This has been in my suitcase all night. How do they even make this? What's this taste like? Fire. That's what it tastes like. Damn, I should have cut that open and put eggs on it. That's what I think about every bagel. When I see a bagel, I'm like, cut that open and put eggs on it.

Too hungry. Yeah, but I did buy this bagel for no reason except for the show you guys something about just a big chunk of bread colored this is kind of like symbolic this is kind of a metaphor this is me

right here you couldn't make anything. Bread, flavorless. It's me right there. No flavor. Kind of gay. Worthless carbs. It's me.

Let's do days and I'll shut up forever. Thursday. Okay. This is probably annoying. Well, I'm just going to stop eating. National Classic Movie Day. Good question was brought up on the live stream. What movies have I seen?

Isn't it so funny, dude? I don't know anybody in movies and anything. They asked me to go to this cat calling event on the red carpet. I was like, I don't know anybody, by the way. Kind of couldn't pick a worse person to do it. I don't know shit.

I don't know any movies. I don't know any actors. What do I want to do with my life? I kind of want to be in movies and be an actor. The movie I've sat through and actually watched from start to finish.

Remember the Titans. Went with my homie, my neighbor. He took me to the movie sounds so weird fourth grade remember the titans his dad cried during the movie so i cried too because i was like you guys took me to the movie i'm gonna pay my respects and cry with you big dog mr aubrey let's cry together nobody else cried just me and this guy's dad. And I only did it because he was doing it.

I wasn't sad at all. I was like, okay, cool. White guy died, duh. Barbecue day, nothing better. I think if you don't like barbecue, you're in that category of people who don't like pizza and chocolate and ice cream. Like, shut the fuck up. Yes, you do.

I don't really like chocolate. Dude, when people say that, I want to, I want to like pin them to the ground and like, do you know what you just said? I don't really like chocolate. I want to choke them out and be like, how can you be so stupid? Yeah. Okay. Sometimes I don't like chocolate for one hour. I don't like pizza. Fuck you. You don't like pizza. Okay. All right. I don't like tacos. Leave me alone forever. Yes, you do. It's different if it's like, I don't like meatloaf, I guess. Even then, I'm like, yeah, you do. But pizza, chocolate, I don't like ice cream.

Dude, you're literally a liar. How can you lie to yourself like that look yourself in the mirror and say i don't like pizza or chocolate fuck out of here but barbecue is so good i think i think everybody loves barbecue it's so good it's so good every time it's like what kind of wings do you have in my head i'm like fuck dude honey barbecue oh my god but then i then out of my mouth comes buffalo because it's like less calories and i'm a bitch but damn honey barbecue wings you're a liar if you don't think those are the best those are the best those are the best i Those are the best. I go for flavor, bro. I think you do too. I think we all do.

Gotta stop eating this bagel. This gagel. Friday, graduation tassel day. Man, I'm glad I missed that era where people write on their graduation caps. You know, they like make it a big deal. Thank God. Cause one, I was so late to my graduation. I don't even think my parents went, God, what a relief when your family doesn't give a shit about stupid stuff. I don't even know if my mom went to like any of my football games in high school. I was like, you don't have to go. God, why is that? My, that is my, uh, attitude for everything. Why don't you ever invite any invite me to your shows? I'm like,

because I don't ever want you to feel like you have to do something. Yeah. But my graduation, bro, if I had to do that hat shit and write it i would have wrote the dumbest shit on my hat you know i would have written on my graduation cap everybody else is like are you who who's yours you know they like write some shit on there see you later high school over i don't think what did they even fucking write it's like the dumbest shit mine would have just said trapaholics bitch and then that's it I'm so glad that didn't happen because I would look back and be like dude I was so crazy I look at my graduation picture sometimes what am I doing what am i doing what am i doing i looked like shit but my cap would have said trapaholics bitch for sure my dad would have been like what's that and

i'd be like i don't really know friday oh shit we already did that. We're still on Friday. Pizza party day. Ooh, man. I'm too hungry to talk about that. I'm not going to do that. Endangered species day. Something I'll always, always wonder. How do they know? How do they know? How do they know? How do they know? How do they know when a species is endangered? You got them all tagged, sir? Yep. Uh, lady, but, or bees, remember they thought bees were endangered. I'm like, dude, no, they're not fucking four of them. Just almost stung me outside of target. No, they're not. Don't kill bees bro trust me i'm gonna kill a bee if it's like gonna sting me you kidding me it's like somebody trying to shoot you with a gun and you're like turn around and go the other way like nah dude

trying to eat this giggle all quiet why do you keep calling it a giggle because it's a gay bagel it's perfect nothing wrong with that just talking myself into it right pack rat day everybody's a dude if you're not I had that. You know, when people are so like, dude, everybody's a hoarder. Yep. And the people that say they aren't are the worst ones. That's why I like moving low key. Every time I move somewhere, all my shit gone. I'm like, nope, take it. Yup. I love getting in beast mode when I'm like deciding whether I want something or not. I'm like, don't need it. Throw it away. I'll throw away everything

to my name. When I'm in that mood where I'm just like, no, don't need it. Throw it away. I'll throw away everything. Your car, get rid of it. Your wallet right now, just get rid of it. Your wallet? Right now? Just get rid of it. I'll get a new one. I'll get all new cards. I need to anyway. I'll justify it. When I'm in that get rid of it mode, bro, anything goes.

Your own nose? Actually, yeah. I don't really need to smell anymore. I'm good. I'll justify the shit out of it. I've been smelling a lot of bad shit lately. I didn't want to get rid of it. And then right when you like finish getting rid of shit the next day, God damn, why did I throw that away?

You need everything again. It's always the weirdest thing you throw away like I'll throw away like an orange cone and then in the next two weeks I'll be like fuck I really need a cone oh shit I threw that away

oh my god that would be perfect right now I don't know just always happens Saturday I don't know. It just always happens. Saturday. No dirty dishes day. That's tough. That is tough. When you live alone, which I think everybody that listens to this podcast lives alone because there's nothing in the world that's better.

When you live alone, it's hard to do dishes all the time it really is like my place is kind of all disheveled and shit i think i think the way your apartment is is how your brain is my shit is just like you know when that kid in school has that real messy backpack with like loose papers in it and like, what the fuck dude. But he knows where everything is in it. It's like his controlled kid. That's my apartment. I'm like, yo, hope, I hope you don't plan on staying long because everything in here is kind of fucked up, but I know where everything is. That's kind of my vibe. though but I know where everything is that's kind of my vibe but people with their apartments like all spick span organized there's something going on there I'm like what do you come on man like what are you trying to hide what are you trying to hide it doesn't add like my apartment isn't messy it's just like why

is that fucking why is that there i might use it but dishes when you're solo it's hard to knock that out because i'm just like oh i have so much other shit to do then Then I finally do it. I'm addicted to doing dishes. We've talked about it. Sunday. Take your parents to the playground day. I think that can't be real. Some of those, some of these have to be a joke. Devil's food cake day. That is not a joke. Whoever named that bro. Salute devil's food. You know, that shit shit was going that shit slapped when he's naming that devil's food the first time i saw devil's devil put what is it devil's pudding it's like chocolate and even more chocolate chocolate i was like anything named devils. So good. Deviled eggs. Devil's food. I'm like, this shit is gas. There's not one thing wrong with anything

named deviled. I'm like, it's actually the best. What? I believe in the devil. Jesus Christ. Everything he makes, I love. The vacuums, I'm like, what'd I do to have a Daredevil vacuum? Devil sneak, sneak, has some good ass branding what else do i have food named after the devil like my internet works the trust i have in my internet right now deviled eggs yep deviled ham devil's food cake

devil's food cake. Pumpernickel bread. What? A dark colored bread that is named after a farting devil. Found my favorite bread. Pasta fra diavolo. You ever have that? You ever been to an Italian restaurant and had the diavolo? Because it sounds sexy, right? Yeah. An Italian dish that translates to brother devil. I've gotten that before. I'm like, that sounds lit. Diavolo? Hell yeah, dude. Do you believe in satan only when i'm hungry monday just for shits and gigs pick strawberries day saw a video of a bunch of people picking strawberries and that humans still do that i saw like a video of a tractor pulling like six people as they were laying on their stomachs I saw like a video of a tractor pulling like six people as they were laying on their stomachs.

And they were just picking strawberries. I'm like, we don't have like AI. People are still, all right. I respect strawberries now. Hand-picked? Good for you. Rescue dog day. Where did I see?

Where was I when there was just, oh, I think I was at an airport. Then there was just a dog that said, pet me on it. And everybody was petting this dog. Like it had a vest on that looks looks like a like a seeing eye dog or whatever and usually those are like do not pet you know there's like those police dogs how funny is that that on their vest it says do not pet because you know they want you too so bad but they but you can't i wonder if anybody who's tried to pet that dog the drug dog that like sniffs you and shit who's tried to give him a little does it i bet it snaps at your why do you why'd you get why'd you go to jail i pet the sniff dog at tsa

seven years in prison. Worth it. Yeah, but there's a dog that just said, in the airport, that just said, pet me, all over, that shit. I was like, and everybody was petting this dog. Everybody. I thought about it. Cause why not? Dude, what,

what the fuck did that dog do just to deserve all that? You know, put a vest on it. Happiest dog ever. How about that shit? You're like, want to go for a walk? Dog gets all excited. Want to go for a car ride? Dog gets all excited. Want to treat? Dog gets all excited. go for a car ride Dog gets all excited Wanna treat Dog gets all excited Wanna go to the most crowded place ever And everybody just loves you The fuck did that dog do To deserve all that Crazy life hack

Dog hacks Alright fam I'll shut up Come to the shows Syracuse Cuse can we kiss All right, fam, I'll shut up. Come to the shows. Syracuse. Syracuse, can we kiss? Columbus, Portland. More dates at benedictpolizzi.com.

Get the merch. Join the Patreon for the live stream and every other podcast. Watch Lovers and Liars. We're out here doing shit. And fam, thanks for having my back For real I love you guys Thank you for the voice messages

They're all fire There was not one miss And I appreciate that so much For real for real Think about you guys Literally every day And I'm going hard for you So thank you

I'll see you guys uh next week come to the shows get your tickies