Espresso - what's so wrong but feels so right?

Episode Date: September 14, 2023

on this ep benny is BACK and UNGROUNDED!! and reacts to the things that are sooo wrong but feels so right (like snatching 8 donuts and eating them in the bathroom) 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 ���𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Because I worked where I lived, I took Homie in the office area and I jacked him off and his cum flew everywhere. And then the next day I told the manager exactly what I did. And it was amazing. espresso podcast shot 280 we've done 280 podcasts together us Me and you. Every week, kinda. Every week. 280? I've been doing this shit since I was 17 years old. 280! But what's up, psychos? I'm back.

I'm back. Your single mommy, Benny, is back. I'm ungrounded. I'm ungrounded. I'm ungrounded. And I miss you guys. So, can we talk?

Hey, but before we get started, remember, tell your psycho friends to subscribe to the YouTube channel. Leave a comment. You know, why not? Be nice. Leave a rating and review on Apple Pods, too. If you're a polite little boy. But if you're really fam, remember to join the Patreon for five dollars a month for a little sexy live stream every week we talk about everything

everybody on patreon knows everything about my life because i don't hide i don't hide anything everything is out there everything and i'm cool with it because they're i mean if you're fam you're fam fam're fam fam knows fam everybody knows everything that i do on patreon and it's a lot of behind the scenes there's bonus content uh everything's there and it's only five dollars it's worth it i rap like dude come on um yeah let's grow the psychos Club and support baby girl, you know? Support your single moms and kiss me every day. But oh my God.

He's back. He's back. He's back. We're back. We're so back. All right. So yeah. Yeah, I got grounded.

I did. I got grounded. I got my phone taken away uh i snuck it like twice to say what's up to the fam on patreon because they know everything and you got to show the love but uh yeah my dad kicked me off his cell phone plan and i had to stay at his house for like eight weeks i hope you guys like the behind the scenes or not the behind the scenes but the best of podcasts shit was different back then but uh yeah yeah i mean eight weeks of my dad's so i finally get ungrounded immediately immediately hold on let me make sure this shit's recording before we get into okay immediately from my dad's go right to papa john's because like i'm free you know i'm free what's the first thing you do when you're ungrounded you do something bad that might get you grounded again

but hopefully nobody finds out um yeah got on my phone map to the nearest papa john's uh just so happens they have stuffed crust pizza now at papa john's okay papa um we get the we get the craziest shit we can think of we get half mushroom half pepperoni ill mushroom what the fuck sorry producer ashley but mushrooms are lit after you're 25 years old she's not 25 yet apparently and the other half just cheese and like yeah cheese pizza it's weird but like it's just the cleanest shit there you know like what do you want on your pizza your favorite pizza pizza of all time? I just want cheese. I just want cheese. Just can we just keep it fucking plain and simple? I'm a simple girl. All right. So we get half cheese. We get half mushroom pep. We get stuffed crust all around. We ask for like 17 of those cheese cups because that's what I'm doing tonight.

I'm ungrounded. 17 17 cheese cups i get the marinara sauce too because i don't want to be such a piece of shit where i just get asked for a bunch of cheese cups and i start feeling like uh a little insecure about the phone call and i'm like wow this person thinks i'm a fat fuck so i'm like yeah give me some marinara cups too just so like so i feel better i'm not going to touch the marinara cups. The guy on the other side of the phone knows I'm not going to touch the marinara cups. But it just makes me feel better. Pick up the pizza and then go direct. Did you hear my throat?

Why does my throat sound like a bullfrog? Bullfrog Benny's back. That's when you know shit's getting real. Then we go directly across the street we go from papa john's then we go right to insomnia cookies he's a fat fuck tonight baby and yep there's 19 000 people at insomnia cookies and everybody has shame all over their fucking face and i walk in and i can't wait to stand in line with all these, with all these,

Oh, it just looks like the state fair in there. There's a guy in there with wearing jeans with a knee brace on the outside of them. I'm like, honey, I'm home. It's a good feeling.

Yo, my guys back behind the cash register. He goes, my boy. And I was like, I hate you. I hate that. The fact that you know me so well from

walking into insomnia cookies you know how bad that feels but i'm about to eat six thousand cookies so you know how good that feels uh obviously it's my turn i've been waiting in line for 19 minutes and i didn't look once at the menu so So I get up to at the cash register and I'm like, fuck, I don't know, dog. Got to get the cookie sandwich though, right? And this is all I've been thinking about while I've been grounded is what I'm going to eat. So I get two peanut butter cookies with buttercream icing in the middle. Slap my ass already and then i get uh the confetti cookie with the cream cheese in the middle call me sally and then i just get six like whatever cookies and we're going in so hype got the wine in the in the trunk like we're we're good we're rolling dog

get to the crib haven't been home in a minute because I've been locked at my dad's house. Open the door. Dude. C-c-c-cringe moment of the week. Cringe moment of the week. Before I got grounded, I put a to-go box full of salmon

and asparagus on the counter. And my dad was like yelling at me. And he's like, get in the car. car let's go so like i was hurrying and i left a piece of salmon on the counter in my kitchen for eight weeks my kitchen for eight weeks and you know how like fish smells after one day don't warm up fish in the office ill dude imagine that shit after it was like, I've never smelled a dead body, but like it was that it was that. And I walked in and I thought my ceiling fell down on the counter.

That's how much shit was going on on the, on like the island, poor island. That is not an island anymore. You know, those islands in Hawaii that are just like exploding and disintegrating that was my island in my kitchen bro there are like dude something spawned out of this fish i'm still waiting to see like an alien fish pop up at my house somewhere like with legs and shit like walk out of the closet dude Dude, this fish just like became, I don't know what happened, dude, but I swear to God, there's something crazy going on in my apartment right now. And I don't know yet. Like I can't find the, I can't track, track it down.

I swear there's a fish alien just somewhere in that bitch. You know, those weird fish that like come up on the news every now and then that like, that will eat you alive and shit if you encounter it in the ocean. Like that thing with legs and arms is in my apartment somewhere just behind a door like. There's a science experiment

on my counter when I walked in. There's like shells of like little fucking mini fish babies and shit all over the place. It smells like somebody lit a chair on fire and then like

threw a bunch of balloons in the fire too. And then like farted on top of it. That's what my apartment smells like. There's just fucking weird bug shells everywhere on my apartment counter. God damn, this is such a romantic, sexy podcast. Now that all the women have tuned out,

boys, what you want to talk about? You want to talk about what i did with that bug shells i dude first of all my my vacuum i have no idea how to really use my vacuum like i use it every now and then but i'm like i'm trying to use like the you know like when you suck the shit like we you get the corner of your house with the vacuum nozzle thing i'm trying to figure that out and i don't think my like my vacuum is just one that i stole like from my dad like three years ago you know like it's not really i don't know i use it like once a week but i just use it for like it's basic ass functions i don't and i'm trying to suck this so i so i end up sweeping with

my broom and fucking dustpan this weird ass these weird ass bug shells off the counter of my kitchen counter and i don't know what what they are it's making me cringe dude when i threw the salmon away it was still okay listen to this the salmon that like just spawned and like respawned somewhere in my house. It, it's gone. It disappeared. So like there's salmon in a to-go box. The to-go box was closed, but this, the salmon wasn't in there anymore.

The salmon got up and was like. So I'm just carrying this to-go box to the trash shoot because i'm not keeping that shit in my house i feel like it's haunted and there's nothing in it like how does food just disappear and like the whole time i'm walking to the trash shoot i'm like shoot. I'm like, you know, like when you're scared, when you're a little kid and you got to like run away from your room because you think there's like five thousand like demons in it and shit. That's that's how I ran with the like it was a fucking grenade with the pin out

so yeah i had to uh i had to give my apartment an exorcism like i need like i really do need to like sage my apartment there's something going on because it just doesn't add up like where'd it go what happened and where is the fish demon? Where's the fish demon? Dude, it's hiding behind my couch or some shit. And I've just been chilling the last couple days just with a fish demon in my house watching me. You know how scary fish are?

Oh, God. It's so much behind my door or something. I was like, what if it got in my bed you know all right so fish demon is gone i have to like bleach my countertops i haven't even i'm not even hungry anymore i got all this food and these cookies and shit i'm not even i'm like fuck dude i just dude. There's fish eggs and shells all over my apartment. But then I just start going in. Got some, dude, I just turned into a rat for the next three days. This is my first day I'm out of rat mode. Rat mode's over, I think.

But for the last three days, dude, I've been a total just piece of shit and I could not wait. Oh, that might be the next espresso question of the week. What's your rap mode? My rap mode was just eat everything possible with frosting all over it and just drink Coronas. Why Coronas?

I don't know. It just felt right. They were in my fridge and I i was like i guess this is what we're doing and they got the lime like i love an accessory you know i mean so i'm just popping coronas and drinking them in two seconds because i'm like dude when i drink i drink really fast and it looks like alcoholic but i'm like i'm just thirsty and when people feel like i drink a lot of shit i eat and drink like a lot at once so if you're gonna give me a mixed drink that's like this much in all of its ice like it's gone am i the only monster around here that's drinking drinks in five seconds like dude that is nothing so i'm just busting coronas i mean i ate a whole pizza all the cookies the both the big witches gone icing everywhere on my face i'm in such rap

mode dude i don't even floss my teeth i know it's like whoopty fucking dick no bro i don't even brush my teeth either i didn't even take a shower i go to bed in my bed which i think there's a dead fish in and i sleep and i wake up the next day it's sunday it's nfl sunday i don't even care about football today. I'm a football fuck. I wake up, eat the rest of the cookies, the six like other ones, pop like five Coronas, and I'm watching the Colts?

Who am I? What? This is the best day of my life so far. Rat day. That's next week's question. What's far rat day what's your that's next week's question what's your rat day so like i gotta have the homie over have the homie derrick over we're chilling we we go to we go to a restaurant and we're we order tequila shots who am i best day of my life i lose my credit card at a bar dog i play pop a shot me playing games doesn't happen when i'm a rat i'll play every game i'll play every game pop a shot and i'll

talk shit i'll bet like a hundred dollars on it and shit like that dude i'm eating it i'm eating what do you what would you guys do you guys want any food i'll take nachos extra chicken extra nacho cheat i don't care breadsticks all of them what's the breadstick of the month put it down it's shrimp gumbo i'm not gonna eat that but put it in dude i'm your fun uncle when I, when it's rap mode, I will do anything. Kind of saved it though. Kind of saved it. Um, knew I should go home, walked home, fell asleep forever. Uh, the next day, kind of same rap mode, kind of same, went to Texas Roadhouse. What the fuck? It's just, dude, sometimes you got to do shit that you never do.

What did I get at Texas Roadhouse? A full slab of ribs. And I realized how disgusting ribs were because like ribs, that's a little close. Like I can see my ribs and I was eating ribs. They were fire. I got a sweet potato. I was eating all the bread and the rolls and shit like that. Oh my God.

That cinnamon butter at Texas Roadhouse. Rub that all over my ass. Tie me up with a fucking power cord and throw me out of my window. I hope I land on the car and the alarm goes off for three hours.

Three hours with me like this on top of a fucking Honda CRV with cinnamon butter all over my ass. That's what I think. Got a sweet potato, but it didn't stop there. I was like,

give me the fucking caramel marshmallow one. I'm a rat. Sweet potatoes, like I always think they're going to be good, but they kind of like this. They're a little like underwhelming you know like this like a sweet potato it's just like it's like the person that's really hot that doesn't have a personality

you know that girl that you're like oh she's bad and then you talk to her and you're like is she homeschooled like the the outside is like, holy shit, there's marshmallows on that? Like who, what fat ass thought of that? Sweet potato. It's not even sweet. One. So we're going to make it sweet.

We're going to put marshmallows and caramel all over it. Is it still going to be not great? Yes, but it's going to live up to the name sweet potato. And then I thought about sweet potato fries. Those kind of came out of nowhere. Sweet potato fries kind of carrying the potato family right now. Sweet potato fries are like the royal son of the potato family. Like fries, yeah, they're forever the king of potatoes they are

but sweet potato fries are given fries a run for their money and like you can dip them in marshmallow it's a nice little switch up for the potato gang really saved the brand there they really sweet potato fries really saved the brand i'm still thinking about those fish fucking carcass eggs on my counter but yeah did all that got the to-go box was just was popping coronas at texas roadhouse like a real indiana citizen uh then i went home and just kind of sat there and got on TikTok. Oh my God. The feeling. The feeling of, I just want to see everybody's TikTok for you page because that really shows who you are. Everybody's Instagram explore page and TikTok for you page is who you really are.

And my, my, my Instagram, oh oh god i would hate to see right now let's see we got work in here go up to somebody that you don't know and just be like what's your instagram explorer page look like this is mine right here it's got like batman dressed up like in a sand fucking costume because i like when superheroes wear like different like suits it's got like uh a cleats because i'm obsessed with nike shit it's got like some street interviews because i'm a whore for content it's got like some stand-up it's got a cheetah clawing out a piece of wood it's got i can't believe there's not one there's not like a fucking girl with

huge tits on here that really uh saved the brand there's a guy giving somebody a haircut there's a there's jake paul like weighing in there's that girl that like interviews all the funny people that really popped off on podcast lately that i'm super jealous of there's like two hot girls and then there's like a guy like oh there's like a deer that's like stuck between two trees like a cheerleader like dude it's just everything i am if you really want to know somebody instagram explore page and if you really want to know who a person's like fucking with or talking to like if you're talking to know who a person's like fucking with or talking to like if you're talking to a girl and you're like i don't know like what is she on like is she does she have another boyfriend dude just their most recent like the story view thing like

when you you ever see somebody get on their instagram and it has all the instagram stories at the top those are the people they're fucking with those are the people they want to bang it's right there in front of your eyes. Mine's just like five dudes. Fuck. No, but seriously. TikTok for you, Paige. Oh, dude.

My shit is so me. It's disgusting. It's just like people talking about college football. You ever just look at yourself and realize what you should be? i like for me like halfway through my life i was like i would stand up comedy you know stand up looked at myself in the mirror the other day and i was just like why am i not coaching jv high school football maybe not even the head coach you ever realize your destiny but yeah um i i've been a rat and i will the rat the rat is slowing down though the rat i'm morphing back from rat into into uh benny

into psycho benny like i was uh like last night was like i think it was the end of rat mode i almost got a pizza but i was like we gotta we gotta fucking tame this we gotta tame this rat monster so i ended up getting uh like 24 wings from needlers and just yeah i usually peel the skin off like a psycho ate them full skin last night how weird is this podcast though but it's not because if you think it's weird you're a bitch weirder the better uh yeah ate a bunch of wings and you know i had to get sexy with it because the rat's still in me so i put four uncrustables in the air fryer checked it every 17 seconds because i didn't want them to burn because i

will ruin some shit done a little toasty on the top i took him out whoops what else did he buy at the store he bought some buttercream frosting oh what's he gonna do with that oh no oh what else did he buy he bought sprinkles oh that's too bad. So I just slapped it. But you know, you need, you don't put frost. I don't put frosting on. I don't, I don't gently swipe frosting. I slap frosting on shit.

I'm an icing bitch. I hate the people that don't like icing. Why not? I need a PowerPoint presentation if you don't like icing. Right now. Actually, can you send it to me? If anybody listening to this doesn't like icing, I just need, I need like three bullet points.

Like not that I'm, I am against it, but I just want to know your reasoning. Just give me three. Three things why. Like your stomach can't take it. Just shut up. My stomach can't take any of this shit, but I'm doing it. It makes me blow. Shut up. It gives me a headache. All right. All right. So you're, you're telling me you're not eating anything that gives you a headache. You know who I kind of was growing up? I wanted to be this person so bad, but I just didn't have the balls to do it.

I wanted to be the person that when somebody brought cupcakes in for their birthday in school, they take it and they rip all the cake off and kind of just fucking throw it. Like, you know, just like put it to the side. all the cake off and kind of just fucking throw it on, like, you know, just like put it to the side and they just eat the, like the barely cupcake part and all the icing on top, like a,

like a fucking, a beautiful cookie, like a fabulous cookie for the queen of England. I wanted to be that bitch, but I couldn't. So I just fucking, I swallowed my pride and i swallowed the whole muffin too muffin cupcake too how about cupcakes just being muffins with icing on top hey muffins i figured you out

how are muffins still around how about people still eating muffins like that's got to be the worst decision you could make because they're like not as good as they could be you ever think of a muffin and you're like well i mean put some icing on that shit right and then like like let's party no muffins just like that's just the bad part of a cupcake and people are eating that shit at 9 a.m. But how good are they? You got to dip it in something. Something. Yeah, so Rat Boy's slowing down. Rat Boy's slowing down.

Today, I worked out. I didn't work out for three days. Never had more time in my life to do shit. I get it. Didn't work out for three days. I could have fucking left the country and came back. I was like, I guess I'll sleep till 1047.

Cause what else am I doing? Not working out is crazy. The feeling. So I worked out today. Like I chump, I went in there and I was just like, you know, haven't, haven't been to the the to this gym in a while because when i was grounded i just lifted like where my dad lives and i haven't been to this gym in a while so everybody oh

you know people talking at the gym already is like and then we haven't seen them in a while. Oh my God, shut the fuck up, people at the gym. I don't care if you go to the gym and you're listening to this. Hey, shut up. Everybody at the gym, shut up. everybody at the gym shut up my gym is all old people and all gay people and i am both of those so it's perfect but shut up

but i do they are really nice though like i do it like i don't want to be a bitch and double back on my statement because i was trying to be like mean for a minute and i can't be mean but um like you know when you're really struggling not like on like on a lift that you should like you know it's like a little too much weight but you don't want to ask for a spotter because you don't want to be that guy hey hey you got one in you because i'm like what if i fart what if i fart what if i fart on this random stranger that came to help me what if i just farted on him her i've never asked a girl to spot me i don't think

because i'm just like that's a weird situation now now we're gonna be like spot buddies for life but it's just like some random fuck you're like yo come on but what if i fart and it's always like it's always like you're doing a lift where like your body you're like giving it your all like i really just need some help here so you're just fucking like you better get it if you're gonna fart mid-lift you better fucking get it dude but people at my gym are so nice like i'll be like i didn't ask for a spot because i had to fart so like i was like i had like one left and i was like getting i was like i'll be able to get it but i like halfway like before i racked it before i actually got i like looked around the gym i like

took a second and there were like two people looking at me, making sure I got it. Because if I wasn't going to get it, they're going to be like, So people at my gym, I love you, but shut up. But I do love you for the effort and looking out for your boy. No one at my gym listens to this. But yeah, it was a chump, did a chump workout, got some coffee, went to GNC, bought some protein, so it made me feel better, even though I didn't even deserve it. And now I'm here.

So we're trying to get rat free. Did stand up last night that went weird, but it was good. It was good. We're just going to keep going. You know, we're just going to keep going. So cringe rat boy is he's trying to, he's trying to like fix himself, but let's talk about the espresso question of the week. Quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's the thing that you did that's so wrong but feels so right? I got a lot of them. Like one time, my friend pissed me off. and you know when your best friend pisses you off it's like and this is when i was in high school so you know you can kind of be a dick

you don't you can't be a dick but you can get away with more like i would never do this to anybody now but in high school it's like a different level so me and my friends used to do like if someone was shitty we used to do something shitty back and then the beef was squashed and my friend pissed me off so i went to his house with my friends and we turned everything in his house upside down his room everything in his room ups because his parents still live there you know you don't want to you don't want to fucking turn mrs whoever's fridge upside down because then you're a piece of shit but in his room bro every single thing upside down bed all his shit in his dresser his dresser drawers upside down all his clothes in his closet upside down hangers off upside down shoes upside down tv

upside down everything dvs under his TV? Upside down. God damn, if he had like a little ass car, upside down. Chair in the corner of his room that his sleep paralysis demon sleeps on. Upside down. It was so annoyingly fun to do. Pictures on the wall in frames.

You know how hard it is to hang a picture? You know how hard it is to hang a picture upside down? Every single thing! I was like, this sucks, but God damn, it feels so good. Everything upside down. Even the most little annoying fucking things. Upside down. His light on his nightstand.

Oh, nightstand. Upside down. His light on top of it. Upside down, but it was balanced so that it stayed right side up. You know what I mean? Like if he had a lava lamp, hey, upside down. Everything upside down everything upside down his clothes and his dressers that were upside upside down crazy there's another one too i know there's another one

oh uh this is this is going back because my memory is like only childhood and things that went into college like after college i was kind of like i don't i don't want to remember any of this so i don't my memories they're kind of bad but like growing up dude that shit is in my head one time like three people in our class didn't put their names on their papers but the teacher graded them anyway and she put them on the board and one was like a 67 and it was mine and i was like fuck obviously that's mine but then there's one that was like the weird kid with like a snotty nose you could just tell by the handwriting that it was like not even like I was like I so I took Brianna's and your boy got a 93% for the first

time in his life and did I brag to my mom that I got a 93% on an English test? Absolutely. Did Brianna probably get grounded for a week? 100%. So sometimes it is what it is, baby girl. You just got to fucking let it roll. And guess what? Your handwriting shouldn't be so similar to mine.

So wrong felt so right. God, I needed that too, because you know your boy. Every single time like the report cards came out, I was like, I might like there is I might fail. There's a good chance I could get held back getting held back. If I got held back, I so I wouldn't be able to own up to it to this day because you're just the held back kid forever if you get held back i couldn't get held back i had to cheat i had to scrape dude i had to suck up i had to be a bitch like i just i had to do everything because i was not smart i had to try so hard and dude i just i just had to do it all because i i could not be held back kid god damn when it report cards came out the last day did i pass like dude everybody was like did

i get all a's or b's i was like did i just fucking pass your boy just needs to pass and that's all that's all i'm still gonna get yelled at all summer but your boy just needs to pass and that's all that's all i'm still gonna get yelled at all summer but your boy just needs to pass what else oh yeah the the the king the king of uh was wrong but felt so right so my friend and his family went out of town and this was like after we graduated high school nothing to do we usually just go to this dude's house and we're just chilling it's a chill house you know we can go there we can just kind of we're not doing stupid shit but yeah we're doing all the stupid shit and we're there and it's fun. It's in the country.

You can like bring fireworks there. You can like, you know, there's just, it's just fun. It's just fun. And it's out. It's not near. It's just, we're good. We're safe. We feel good at this house.

He's on vacation. Fuck, there's nothing to do this weekend. There's nothing to do. So I'm like, I call the homies and I'm like, yo, he's out of town, but what if we had a party at his house? Do you think?

And like, because we can clean up. I know we can clean up. That's one thing we're not going to do is like leave it a mess, right? And everybody's like, right. And I'm like, yeah. So I call him put on put on my like my sympathetic good boy voice like hey uh i hope everything's going good with the fam he's like what the fuck are you calling me invite and i'm like yo just throw her on there we just graduated high school who cares just just ask doesn't hurt to ask we're not we're not we

might never see her again she's going to like byu or some shit just and we're just putting like randos on the list people we've always wanted to hang out with that like when we went to high school with but we like weren't close with put them on there put them on the list what about this person they're already in college put them on the list what about this person they're still in high school put them on her on the list and it just becomes this huge ass list in my notebook my like science notebook that was obviously green because come on we don't have to go through that right english was red religion was blue science was green on some weird shit math might have been yellow

but what was social studies that was always the toss-up was it purple social studies was so annoying kind of easy but annoying so yeah we got this list of people in my notebook and we're just we're just calling them i have everyone's number i still i have had the same phone number since i was fucking 12 i was one of those little kids i got a phone in seventh grade and i thought it was so cool but i've had like i've saved all the contacts i have everyone's number ever and we're just hitting them up and nobody is saying no to this like every single person is like all right what's the address and i'm like what the fuck um yeah what's the address

dude we're calling we're calling in just anybody we can think of to get alcohol i don't call it call his friend that that friend that we don't know that goes to the center grove the dude that goes to southport that we saw that one time like 14 years ago at the indy 500 yeah call him dude everything's working we've got people we've never seen. We got people showing up from other schools. You know when somebody makes like a parking lot in their yard because they live by the stadium? Like you go to a college football game

and somebody just like a guy actually lives by the stadium and he's like renting out spots. That's what it was. Park right here. We had like a guy on like parking duty. And that shit went down no we didn't get in trouble because it wasn't it was like far it was like a way it was like in the country a little bit and no one got lost on the way there people spent the night there was like tents there was like cots we set up cots there was music there

was i don't know there was like golf carts like bringing people from the parking lot to the i was like how is this so organized there were people like stargazing on top of the roof there were people like in the woods like swimming in ponds there were people like people like in the woods, like swimming in ponds. There are people like asking each other to marry. Like it was like it was beautiful. He like he had some animals. There are people like riding horses. If you look to your left, there's somebody on a fucking horse like hey, great party there's a bunch of random ass dogs there's like he had hunting dogs we just

fucking let them all free but they didn't go anywhere they just stayed with us and fucking licked our ankles and shit we're like what this is amazing he had like a freezer in his garage i had like taquitos you know it was just like how's this thing full of fucking frozen food that everybody wants right now i'm gonna start crying thinking about this shit open the fridge there's like there's like yoo-hoos there's like gatorade there's water dude you just love don't you just love a family that keeps the fridge stocked? Yoo-hoos? Taquitos?

Chicken wings? The oven was easy to work. We didn't even stain a pan. Everybody left the next day. Nothing stolen. His Xbox was still there. Everybody left the next day. Nothing stolen.

His Xbox was still there. No car. No, all the animals were safe. Sleeping safe. Like it was a nativity scene. No one was bruised. All the, no one cheated on anyone. It was just all, dude, it was amazing. Just fucking locked it up the next morning put the key into the fake rock and

back home we go he was like how was it i was like it's all right this motherfucker best friend that owned the house wasn't even there something you've done that was so wrong but felt so right let's get into it two years one time i took molly at work as a host at a restaurant in west hollywood and listen it was wrong but i was super host that night and it felt really right god damn it just just the setup he stuck the landing super host i've never taken molly but god damn the things people say about it i don't know what that would feel like the only, cause I'm a little bitch and I've only like drank and smoked, but, and I barely smoke because your boys,

I, you can, I'm when I'm high, I'm high for 27 days straight. If I'm even around it, I'm like, fuck, here we go.

Anybody have any Cheetos? All right. So I equate that to probably like this is probably so off but the only feeling i've had that's like that ever is when you're a little hungover from the night before you know but it hasn't hit you yet you're like still kind of still kind of tipsy in the morning you're a little sweaty you're usually like in a car but it's like the most on you've ever been and it's like for it lasts for like an hour and a half or two hours and you're like yo if i'm like this all day you guys are fucked because you're just you're crushing every single thing you say is fucking the number one answer every time you say something steve harvey looks at the board survey says three check marks ting ting ting everything you say is a heater everybody's laughing you feel like you're like

the most popular kid in school maybe that's what that feels like i felt that one time it was when it was that moment where i was a little tipsy the night after like drinking drinking a little bit because you start getting guilty because you're like, oh, I'm doing I'm killing this so much like that that it's going to end bad. I was like that one time and I was working retail at the mall at a shoe store and I was cleaning up. I probably wasn't doing shit, but I was like,

yeah, I might get promoted to like assistant manager or some shit after this day. Cause like, dude, your boy is running circles around this place. Oh, you want these shoes? What size?

Back in 30 seconds. Like I was a night crawler from X-Men. Oh, you want these on size 10? Here you go you want to get a shirt with that that one right here this shoe in that shirt they're like the same like that that guy made that shirt for these shoes so like dude if you walk out of here with that that shirt i won't be able to look you in the face i was just saying crazy shit and they're just like oh yeah dude just oh my just selling selling shit that you never you know you go to a shoe store and

you see insoles and you're like who the who's buying this you see shoe cleaner you remember that one time you bought shoe cleaner and you got home and you're like why the fuck did i buy the shoe cleaner eight bucks dude i was just those were going off the shells shells ew still thinking about the the fish fish alien though shoe cleaner falling off the shelves insoles yeah yeah you want the gel heel go ahead here let me throw this in your shoe real quick. Walk around in here. It's some old guy that can't even walk. He's like okay. I'm like hey said he would just being a skeezy kind of drunk salesman, but racking up numbers.

That's how I think that dude felt when he was on molly actually doesn't molly make you just fucking i don't know i thought molly made you like see like lights and shit somebody told me they're on molly and they're at a stoplight and it went from red to green and they sat there for fucking like five hours because they're like oh and so do that or somebody told me they uh they took molly and they walked outside and it was at night and they were like at a house party they walked outside and the grass like was wet and they just screamed at the top of their fucking lungs can you imagine that just because the grass feels so good in between your toes. Oh my God. So I can't imagine like what that would be like if you're a host at a restaurant.

I feel like I would feel the menu and be like, Oh, what? Oh, you have a table of four okay come right this way so wrong but felt so right yay you're back so one thing that i know i do that is wrong but it feels so good is whenever i drive past a crispyreme donut store and the light is on, I have to stop. I have to. And I know it's so bad for my diet, but God damn, it tastes so good.

I love it. Okay. You're my mom. Figured that out. That's crazy. I get it though. Because it's like a phenomenon. It's like when you see a shooting star, you're like, yo, oh my God.

You have to immediately kiss the person you see the shooting star with. That's a rule. You guys don't know that rule? Am I recording this shit? Okay, good. Yo, every time I see a shooting star, I don't care that rule am i recording this shit okay good yo every time i see a shooting star i don't care who i'm with i kiss them you just made that up you're such a fucking liar the boy's a liar the boy's a liar the boy's a liar the boy's a lot no that's what i do every single time so if you want to fucking hang out at night and there's a star going across the sky maybe you don't even see one maybe you think you

see one it's not actually one i don't even care if you're a dude i will kiss you on the fucking lips that boy's a liar easy easy game but yeah that's how it goes uh my mom is just like that with the crispy cream shit that's kind of that's kind of weird like i remember being in the car with her when i was a kid and we'd just be driving around because you know your mom takes you like on errands and shit like that she might even do it now i don't know but we'd be going to do god knows what go to like we'd be going to uh tj max did the amount of time i spent in the car am i the only one did i i felt like i spent my entire life in the car growing up that's my only memories is watching like stupid ass movies in the car and we didn't have tvs in the whip we weren't that family

we just had like we brought like a like a tv that was supposed to be in your house we like brought that in our car and my dad like brought one of those weird things that like go into the cigarette lighter and had like the the charging ports on the other side it was like the the highest technology of all time that i've ever seen in my life. I was like, wait, we have Alex in the car. And I would just watch Billy Madison forever in the backseat and eat Wendy's. Best days of my entire life and play bop it and shit. Dude, you ever have a road trip with your brothers and sisters and play bop it in the car? That's what the fuck i'm talking

about but that was my whole life and then kind of getting yelled at a little bit but you're a little sweaty because you've been sitting down getting out at rest stops and just like oh dude rest stops or gas stations dude gas stations all the time on road trips are so lit like this is a club walking in a gas station that has music playing when you're on a road trip and you're like with Dude, gas stations all the time on road trips are so lit. Like this is a club. Walking in a gas station that has music playing when you're on a road trip and you're like with your friends. I sound like such a bitch right now, but you know what I mean? And you just buy some like something weird that you wouldn't normally get, but you just get it anyway.

You're like, yeah, I eat Slim Jims with the cheese too. That's all I was doing in the car. But I'd be in the car with my mom. We'd be going to TJ Maxx and shit like that. We'd be going to the mall. We'd be going to Target on a weird weekday. We'd pass by Krispy Kreme

and that shit, that sign was on. Bzzz, hot and fresh. Bzzz, hot and fresh. Bzzz, hot and fresh. My mom. Ah! Runs into the side of Krisrispy kreme her whole car we fucking put ski masks on jump inside take a dozen and get right the fuck out

their qo is five dollars and twelve cents i don't know what type of infatuation my mom had with those donuts because like they're good but like dude to pull your car into a parking lot and then go inside and buy something is like torture i don't even care what it is but you know how bad you got to want a donut to do that those krispy kreme donuts i could eat 68 of them without blinking what a problem and I've done it before too when I was a kid you ever just go ham on some donuts that aren't even yours I did it my aunt but like my cousin had a cross-country meet I guess all the parents like bring shit to to the cross-country meets because cross-country meets. I guess all the parents like bring shit to the cross-country meets because cross-country

meets last six and a half days. So I was like, all right, we're going to this cross-country meet. Let's fucking do it. We woke up at like 3 a.m. I was like, are we going hunting? They're all ready to go. They're like got snacks. There's fruit.

I was like, oh, that's cool. Yeah, for the cross-country meet. And then there's there's there's fruit and i was like oh that's cool yeah for the cross-country meet and then there's a box of donuts my aunt was like everybody can have one before we go and i was like all right bet and i was the first one to it and i had eight like you ever want a donut so bad that like you feel guilty and you start eating them in the bathroom. I swear to God, I used to do that all the time at my house. Like I'd feel bad about eating something or like I wasn't supposed to or like don't have another piece like that kind of shit, bro. I swear to God, I ate so much dessert in the bathroom growing up. You ever smack a brownie in the bathroom on like 4th of July?

Your dad's like no more dessert. And you're like, all right. And then you just go in the bathroom on like fourth of july your dad's like no more dessert and you're like all right and then you just go in the bathroom and eat like but you like you get like way way more than you think you need because you're like fuck like this is a heist you get like five brownies and you're just like in the bathroom just fucking crushing them like you're about to get caught they're not embarrassing would that be somebody like i'd rather be naked taking a shit in the bathroom and someone walk in on me than me eating four brownies at once like oh my god get out that happens so many times eating donuts in the bathroom bro you ever such a fat ass that you got to eat a donut in the

bathroom everybody if you haven't eaten a donut in the bathroom get a life like you have a backup plan too you're eating a donut in the bathroom and you're like fuck what if somebody comes in here what do i do because you're like i don't know i was out like my cousins and i was like i don't know how to lock the door and like what if it doesn't work? It was one of those suspect locks where I'm like, I don't really know. So my backup plan was I was going to get in the shower. How embarrassing would that be?

Someone comes in the bathroom, the lights on. I was obviously in there and then they look in the shower. I'm in the shower eating two donuts. So fat. then they look in the shower i'm in the shower eating two donuts so fat so fat yeah but uh for forever until this day my aunt's like who ate those eight crispy cream donuts and i'm like my mom did because that bitch loves donuts. It was actually me. What did I do that was wrong

while I went to an island to film FBoy Island season nine for months and didn't tell anybody, then tried to act like everything was okay. That'd be crazy. Yeah, dude. It probably felt good, though. what did i do this guy i walked out on a bar tab one time um i waitress never gave it to me she ended her shift and i tried several times to get it and i don't know it was just so busy they kept forgetting and my friends had long moved to their next bar so i just left and i think that was

the right move but now when i try to go back i can't know what he's talking about but um yeah people assume things when you're grounded walking out on the bar tab god damn my intrusive thoughts every time i'm at a restaurant every time i'm done eating at a restaurant, the voice in my head says, just leave. Oh, you're done. Fun. Just leave. They'll never know.

And if they do, they don't care. Just leave. I think I've done it once actually i didn't do it i was the fucking getaway guy i was the getaway guy one time for that our dumb asses were like 21 you know when you go out and you're 21 and you're just a fucking idiot like people that go out when they're 21 i'm sorry you're still 14 i don't think you should really be able to go out until you're like 28 dude 21 going out you're such an ugly piece of shit so true ew dude, guess what? 21 year olds that are out. Nobody likes you. I don't even care if someone acts like they like you. No one does. Girl or guy. No one likes you. Sorry. I'm trying to figure out what else is like that. But you're not... No.

You're not cool. And if you think you're cool, you're not. You're so much... You're so out of the game. If you're trying to be all cool and shit, I don't care what you're wearing. You're 21. You're 21. Go fucking work at Krispy Kreme.

No. go fucking work at crispy cream no but we were 21 and we went to this like dude this is so 21 guy shit we went to this like like like this bar like that had like cougars oh my god i'm gonna throw up saying this but it was like yo there's milfs there and like obviously like we were like dude yeah they're gonna love us can you even imagine what the fuck i i'm still look how i'm sitting right now can you imagine me at 21 oh my god fucking tranquilize me and throw me in a river 21 oh i shouldn't have been let out of the house till i was till last week ew but like there's a big plan that was like yo we're gonna get all these fucking drinks that are 50 cents because we're 21 and poor and then we're gonna fucking just leave because i heard somebody else did it and it worked and i was like fuck dude so i think i got like one beer and i was like i'll be the getaway car so i like got in the car and i was like like waiting for people to get

in and of course i like left somebody there so we had to come back around my dumb ass in the getaway car we probably we probably like actually we probably spent eleven dollars they're probably like just get what the fuck just go it's the only time i've ever done that i've probably accidentally walked out on a tab seventeen times though and not known Oh shit really Yeah we still have your tab from last time You were here 14 years ago

Oh shit Okay well uh Want me to pay it no The boys are lying The boys are a liar the boys are a liar yeah i couldn't do it i couldn't do it today wouldn't be able to let's keep going so what happened was way back in the day the the boys and I, we went to an upscale American fusion Tex-Mex style of restaurant. You may have heard of her, Chile's. Anyway, we got solid $200, maybe $250 worth of food.

And the waitress, I don't know how, but she somehow botched the numbers and only charged us a third of what the bill actually would have been. And yeah, we all looked at each other, you know, in a moment of silence. We knew what we had to do. So, basically, yeah, so all for one, one for all. Broke the huddle, committed a little white-collar crime, and that's it, man. Got a good little deal, a little bit of food. But don't worry, we, like, definitely took care of Becky Susan. She got a good tip that night.

That's it, man. Kiss and tis, bitch. Ta-ha. Ta-ha. God damn, what an ending. What an ending. Can we fucking hear that one more time? Yeah, got a good dip that night.

That's it, man. Kiss and tis, bitch. Ta-ha. Ta-ha. Why does it sound like you kind of swerved off the highway during that? Did you hear that shit? What if he fucking how'd he die? What were his last words?

What were his last words? Kiss a tis, bitch. Ta-fuck. That's it, man. Kiss the test, bitch. Fuck. Immediately dies. Oh my God.

You're talking about someone dying on your podcast. Oh my God. I don't care. It's funny to us. Because we're weird and stupid and we don't have emotions but i know so wait this actually doesn't sound too bad homie got the deal on the food kiss the bitch and walked out on the the bill the bill i'm fucking 95 years old walked out on the done the is it got a bill what's it called quick ticket wow if i said ticket i would literally shoot myself in the head walked out on the... What's it called? Receipt?

Walked out on the tip? Walked out on the... Check? Check. Walked out on the check, but he still tipped? We might have to run this back. I love you, you little boy. You're welcome.

So, what happened was, way back in the day, the boys and I, we went to an upscale American fusion Tex-Mex style of restaurant. You may have heard of her, Chile's. Anyway, we got a solid $200, maybe $250 worth of food. And the waitress, I don't know how, but she somehow botched the numbers and only charged us a third of what the bill actually would have been. And yeah, we all looked at each other, you know, in a moment of silence. Oh, okay, okay, okay. You know what we had to do.

So, basically, yeah, so all for one, one for all. Broke the huddle, committed a little white-collar crime, and that's it, man. Got a good little deal, a little bit of food. But don't worry, we, like, definitely took care of Becky Susan. Yeah, she got a good dip that night. That's it, man. Kiss and tis, bitch. Fuck.

Car blows up. But... So here's what happened. Because you guys figured this out before me and we listened to that twice. Because I'm the stupid one. She just didn't ring shit up up and they just rolled with it yeah if you if you check your server on that hey we didn't we didn't pay for these four things can you ring them up again bro you leave if you get a deal like that

that means you're doing something right in your life that means you have good karma and you just take it and you roll with it and you pretend like nothing ever happened and you do give her a good tip though because it's like sorry bitch but you did a good job you just roll it's like when you find money you don't fucking turn it in like if you find a thousand dollars in a home goods in cash on the ground hey guess what bye you go to the counter and say hey this is someone's money i guess maybe actually am i that guy i think i would because I would think I was on like a prank

show probably yeah I might return that to the to the owner I guess it would have to be like outside in a fucking park or something you know in a store is kind of like oh shit I'm on candid camera I'm on pranks right now with ashton kutcher i better turn this money in but uh yeah if you get if somebody doesn't ring something up baby that's that's that's yours that's chars i love you milky boy oh let's keep going. Okay, so this one time I was dating this kid. And I was supposed to babysit this little girl down the street. So her mom was like, yeah, whatever. You can chill at the house.

And so we were there and the little girl went to bed. And we were getting fucked up at the house. With their alcohol. And I never told her he was coming over. And she came home early. No! And he was there. No! And home early and he was there and she probably thought i was like a we were like child molesters or something because it was just a bad scene and

yeah needless to say didn't get paid made me leave surprised she didn't call the fucking police that's a wild one but hold on okay so this one time i was dating this kid and we i was supposed to babysit this little girl down the street so her mom was like yeah whatever you can like chill at the house and so we were there and the little girl went to bed and we were like getting fucked up at the house and never told her he was coming over and she came home early and he was there and she probably thought i was like a we were like child molesters or something because it was just a bad scene and yeah needless to say didn't get paid made me leave surprised she didn't call the fucking police to have i love it i love it. See, that's that shit.

That's that. I'll, I'm going to talk about it on the podcast. Anonymously. I don't just say that because we would not get this voice message if we knew who this person was. So you got my word and maybe I know who it is, but I'm not going to say shit. That's a sick, in a good way, voice message. I don't get the child molester thing, though, because if they're sleeping, I guess you were drinking.

I mean, whatever. I bet you were drinking the family's alcohol, too, on some real slimy shit. Dude, babysitters are bad. I promise babysitters are full of shit. There might be one out of 10 that like, all right, all right, all right. I can actually trust you. But every babysitter I've ever had in my life that is like a good person, they don't give a shit, dude. They're always on the phone with their boyfriends chewing gum. They don't care. I could have ran away and stole a slushie from Target

and come back and they wouldn't have known. They're always on some shit. I've been the guy. I've been the guy that goes over when a girl's babysitting. I didn't ask any questions. None of my business. I'm just here. What happens happens,

but I wasn't like, I wasn't like a complete piece of shit, you know, whatever, whatever goes on goes on. But I was like, are the kids okay? You know?

Oh, but when they come home early, there's got to be like a text there. There's got to be like a, hey, I'm coming home. Like, come on. You got to cut your babysitter a little slack sometimes.

Give her a warning. Give her a warning. Or if you're the babysitter, just like throw it out there to the parents. Like, Hey, can I have my boyfriend over? Cause I've been that guy too,

where it's like, I guess we're, we're babysitting. You don't have to pay me shit, but we're babysitting. The fact that they said the fact that people will say yeah to that is amazing. They probably say yeah to that. Cause they're thinking if I,

if, if I say no to the babysitter that wants to have her boyfriend over she's gonna have him over anyway so you might as well say yeah that's amazing what people will do with their kids in there i don't trust any babysitters that's why i'm not having kids now i'm not having kids for a thousand other reasons but that's one of them you got to get like your cousin or something, you know, or your, your niece or nephew to like babysit the kids. Cause just a total stranger in your house with your kids. That's usually 17 or 18 years old. If you can find a babysitter, that's like 36. I don 36, is that even worse? The whole thing is weird.

Okay, so there's one time. Okay, I'm not going to play it again. The whole thing is weird. Wait a minute. A couple more. So what felt so wrong but yet right? I worked where I lived and needless to say, shooting up the place was an understatement so I went on this horrific hinge date extremely long story short because I worked where I lived I took homie in the office

area and I jacked him off and his cum flew everywhere and then the next day I told the manager exactly what I did. And it was amazing. Needless to say, I didn't get fired at that point. What place? She worked at Krispy Kreme for sure. But the manager was cool with it? Ha ha. Fuck. I might save that forever.

I might save that forever. I might save that forever. That's every time I pump gas and it stops on an even number. Oh shit. What else? Oh, when you're, you're warming something up in the microwave and you check the time and it's at three seconds and it actually evens out and it wasn't at a minute. And you're like, wow, I can just get the food right now in one trip.

Ha ha, fuck. When you just went out the night before and you look in your wallet and your id is there when you and your friend are have plans to hang out on saturday and he calls you and goes damn dog something came up haha fuck oh shit hold on I got one I know i got one

maybe i don't maybe i don't maybe i do though maybe when you're flossing your teeth and your gums are bleeding and it kind of hurts but like you press down on your gums and it feels kind of good too when you're annoying as fuck we gotta we gotta run this back one more time though because i completely forget everything she said so what felt so wrong, but yet right. I worked where I lived and needless to say, shooting up the place was an understatement. So I went on this horrific hinge date.

Extremely long story short, because I worked where I lived. I took homie in the office area and I jacked him off and his cum flew everywhere. And then the next day I told the manager exactly what I did. And it was amazing. Needless to say, I didn't get fired at that point. God, the things I would do to work at that Mike's car wash. The things I would do to work at that crew car wash? Oh my God. You know that's a car wash job. Give me the works, baby.

In the manager's weird office. Got the shirt and tie on, crew car wash style. Come here. Come here. office got that he got the shirt and tie on crew car wash style come here come here fucking we're closing in 10 minutes come here give me the works that's crazy jacked him off the days the days of the hjs is is insane just nothing more wholesome honestly like what what an art form that is it's a it's a lost art honestly it's a lost art nobody's doing that no one's doing you know i wouldn't i would that might be my number one thing nope i don't want to do any no no yep that's it makes me feel like i'm home

wow that's all that's all the vms something you did that was wrong that felt so right dude I can't believe she told the manager you must have been that bitch at your job if you can just tell the manager that or was it the manager that you jade off just putting two and two together

baby we're gonna F around dude days of the week this is the mega pod baby. We're going to F around do days of the week. This is the mega pod. I think we're going to start doing it this way. But you got me for an hour plus girly. Let's talk

today. National did it did days of the week. Thursday National School Picture Day. God, God, the fact that we used to get our pictures taken and they wouldn't even show us the picture before it got like confirmed. That's crazy.

Yeah, it looks good next just for three weeks you have to be like what the fuck did i like what i could have smiled like shit and that's it no redos it was just believe in yourself and you're in the weirdest pose. Chin up. To the right. To the right. To the right. To the right. Chin up.

To the right. To the right. To the right. To the right. Chin up. To the right. To the right. To the right. Chin up. To the right. Smile. What the fuck was that guy on?

Why did my chin have to be so up? What did I go in there looking like is the thing. Was this me every picture day? God, dude. My mom wasn't buying those. Are you shitting me? How much for the picture day pictures? $68.99.

Are you fucking kidding me for what for a picture of me that looks like me the last 14 years of my life dude i swear i looked like this in third grade i look exactly like this in third grade A hundred percent. And this is me in fourth grade. you want me to keep going and i always wore the same exact thing so every single picture i have from i from first grade to senior year in high school or the same exact shirt there was no photo evidence of me from the time i was eight years old until i was probably 26 i swear to god i don't have one picture of me like when i was 14 15 16 set those are all that shit's gone i just didn't take any pictures dude guys don't really take pictures and like i was kind of like ah fuck that like anytime somebody was like taking i was like whatever but now i'm like the fucking picture guy

zero pictures of me because i look like this because I look like this. National Sober Day. I should probably do that. Starting immediately. Starting today. I think it's fine to have a little drink every now and then. Just don't get butchered.

I was a rat boy the last couple days, though. Sometimes you got to let it go. Sometimes you got to let it go to know what you're really like to know what it's really all about you kind of gotta you kind of gotta ruin your life a little bit not like bad but like just fucking let it go dog you know like one maybe like like three times a year that That's how they go, man. Maybe not even three. Maybe like one.

National Cream-Filled Donut Day. That's what I want my actual job to be. I know I want to be an actor. I know I want to be a stand-up comedian and have Netflix specials. I know I want to be on TV shows. I want to do the coin toss for just the weirdest game. I want to throw out the first pitch for just the A's or something. I have no allegiance to a team,

but I do want to do one of those things one day. But deep down, you know what I really want to do? I just want to be the guy that fills up donuts every Sunday at your local donut shop. God, wouldn't it be great? Like that's what I'm doing when I'm like 70. Like that's it for me. Shit, I might do it tomorrow. It's either that or work in a fucking parking lot like booth. Can you imagine that job?

You don't have to do anything and you're in a warm booth, toll booth thing. And you're just watching TV on your phone. The relief. And you know when you're like, those are one of those jobs that you can like do shit during the job that you actually need to do like oh shit i need to like fill out this paperwork

you're doing it at work and getting paid to fill out paper i love jobs like that that was my whole life in college i like worked in the weight room but obviously i wasn't just fucking sitting there because they had to have like a weight room supervisor so obviously i like, are you serious? They're like, yeah, clean off the benches and rack the weights. I was like, dude, shut up. I was like doing art projects while I was like... There were people like benching and shit behind me

and probably like all the weight was falling on them and shit because I was supposed to be monitoring them. I was like with an easel like I had like a beret on and like a little goatee and like a fucking button up shirt and like capris on. On the clock. Company time. What?

That was my dream job. Just doing whatever the fuck in there could have people hang out. I have like three fucking bros, maybe a girl just fucking. All right, yeah. Working in the weight room from 7 a.m. to fucking noon. Come through.

Friday. National double cheeseburger day. What's a single cheeseburger anymore, you know? What's a point. Old dub, trub, a double cheeseburger.

Remember Wendy's just kept going. They're like four of them. Ha! Quad stack. How good were they? I'm out of breath. How good were they? Quad stack. I had it one time and I was like, this is so fucking weird, but I gotta say I did it. I had the Baconator one time just

to say I did it. I've had the weirdest fast food. Dude, fast food is the shit. When I think about like what I want, like my, like, what's your last meal? I hate that question. But when I really am hungry and I like deserve like a, you know, like those points in your life where you're like tonight, I deserve like a steak, you know, that's like the common answer. Every time that happens to me where I deserve a nice like rich famous guy meal like wine steak and like mashed potatoes and asparagus for some reason why is that like the number one like oh i'm always like fuck that dude i just want burger king that's what i really really really want deep down is just some fucking fast food because it's it's taste better i swear

to god it tastes better that's because you never had steak from this plate from prime 47 because you you don't know a good steak taste lot shut up A-slot. Shut up. Shut up. Dude, why do girls love steak so much? It's literally all I think about. It's not that good.

Most overrated thing ever? Question mark? Steak. It's because you've never had. Shut up. Or I'll put an apple in your mouth. Hog tie you. And roast you over an open fire.

It's not that good. And you know it. It's just a big pile of meat.'s a slab of meat who gives a shit what do i really want a whopper cut in half cut in half a big mac with a shake yo way better than a stupid boring ass steak at a restaurant where you gotta dress up and wear weird ass nice clothes that you want to scream the whole time that can't just be me every time i'm at a restaurant dressed up eating steak i just want to stand up and go fuck

right and i want to flip the whole fucking table over and i don't care who i'm with i swear to god but if i was just in my car eating like a rotisserie chicken maybe like come clean by hillary Duff's on the radio. I'm not screaming. I'm crying. Cause that's what I really want. And that's what I stand for. Imagine going to a nice restaurant like that and not wanting to blow your brains out they should

keep a double barrel shotgun an elmer fudd gun under every single table at a nice restaurant just in case just in case oh is that the oh there is one of these under here. Hey, cheers to a great night. Oh my God, stop talking about... Listen, honey, this is this podcast. We don't give a shit. Because what do you do immediately when you go home what do you do immediately when you go home from the nice restaurant you take the the leftovers from the fridge wait wait no no no you know you don't no you don't because you probably forget the leftovers at the restaurant because they're irrelevant.

But if you happen to remember them, you put the leftovers... You don't even put them away. They're just on your counter in a fucking big brown bag with handles on it. And you're like, shut up, fancy restaurant. You rip off the clothes that you're wearing that you never want to wear again or see again.

You stuff them in your closet somewhere and you change into what you actually want to wear. You take a piss that feels better than the whole night that you just had. You walk into your living room and go, Jesus Christ christ you grab the food out of the bag you sit down on the couch and you get your phone out and watch tiktok and you eat the food wishing it was burger king pretending it's the closest thing you got and you're sitting crisscross applesauce on the couch and you're in the best mood of your life when you leave the restaurant and you're home now and you're in like a big sweatshirt you're in that comfy ass shirt that like you don't let anybody see you in but you're like fuck that's my shirt that is my shirt for when i'm done for the day you're in sweats

you might even have them like rolled like one of the pant legs is rolled up just because you're shirt for when I'm done for the day. You're in sweats. You might even have them like rolled like one of the pant legs is rolled up just because you're like fuck it. You do. You were in a this sucks, but you're wearing like the like thickest socks and you're just blowing through your for you page

given shit a chance that you would normally give a chance like you're just blowing through your For You page. Giving shit a chance that you wouldn't normally give a chance. Like you're so glad to be out of the fancy restaurant that you're just like, fuck, I'll watch this weird ass thing about why the aliens that China found were real. It's like two minutes. You're like, no, all right. See what you got gotta say about them eating steak with your fingers because you don't want to get a fork because you just want to be

yourself that's real shit right there that's real shit national cheese toast day so grilled cheese man the shit i'm gonna have grilled cheese tonight wait i'm not a rat anymore fuck grilled cheese would be good i've been thinking a lot about grilled cheese grilled cheese is one of those things i always think a lot about i'm like damn because i just it just never comes around as often as i need it to. Grilled cheese and banana bread, probably top two things I just always want. And I'm like, I won't have it ever, though. Never going to have it, but damn, I'd eat it.

The double-decker grilled cheese. Slap my ass already. Hard. Hey, leave a handprint. Just saying, double-decker grilled cheese, dip in that thing and God knows what. Leave a print. Boo-boo. Leave a print.

It was that toast that your mom made in the morning that had like the butter on it and the cinnamon. And you're like, what did I do to deserve this? And she's just like, here's your breakfast ready. And she'd like slam it on the table in front of you. And you're like, oh, fuck. She just made me a donut is it my birthday the fuck is going on here i am a piece of shit kid why did you make me cinnamon butter toast so simple but it's so gas national felt hat day i can't wear a hat that's not just a baseball hat if i wear a hat that's

not a baseball hat ever and you see me here's what i want you to do i want you to take this shirt that i'm wearing the back of it pull it first you fucking knock the hat off my head so that's gone it's like all right that's over then you take my shirt from back here you do one of these like this so i can't see and then you you punch me in the face 14 times and the cops will come it'll be crazy, but just know that I allow it. Like, keep going. Even when people are trying to hold you back,

just keep, like I'm the a hat that's not a baseball cap haven't people calling baseball caps but like it does sound kind of cool saturday national guacamole Day. So over it. Do you want guac for it? No. No, I don't. I do appreciate guacamole in its prime, but now it's kind of just kind of over it.

You know? Everybody got it. everybody got guac and it started to get a little a little played not gonna lie i'm so out of breath if yeah like you can't tell like i had to say it guacamole the podcast where all he talks about is food and he doesn't care because all he wants to talk about is food and so does everyone else national gymnastics day the first thing i'm doing if i have a son or daughter is immediately putting them in gymnastics first day first day out first day out of the old womb right to the rings bitch right to the rings is where you go yep those gymnastics shoulders

jesus christ remember that girl that did gymnastics in your like grade grown up no she was like a grade above you. And you guys did pull-ups one day in PE, and she got like fucking 49. And you're like, Jasmine did 49 pull-ups? And it was like the talk of the century. Like, oh, that bitch is strong.

But she didn't look like the fucking girl that tried to play football too she was like elegant and she just cranked out 49 on your ass that's crazy and like the dude you grew up with that like had like an eight pack and he was like 12 13 14 first pool party you You're like, Jesus Christ, dude, Luke? Luke's got ab game. Luke makes me feel like a fat piece of shit. We're 14. That's impressive, dude. When you were growing up with somebody

and they could do flips, you're at a party and somebody does a backflip. Why am I, why am I even here? I'm going mom. Yes. We're at the party and Luke did a fucking backflip again. And none of the girls will talk to me. Yeah, he did. But yeah, I know. And it's a pool party. So he had a shirt off while he's doing it. And they're talking about his abs flexing and shit while he's, I know, I know, So he had a shirt off while he's doing it. And they're talking about his abs flexing and shit. Well, I know, I know, I know. I shouldn't care, but like, pick me up.

I thought Luke was your friend. He was my friend. He was my friend. He was. But I'm wearing silly bands right now. I have a necklace on. I don't want to wear. And I'm having a bad hair day. I'm wearing these plaid now. I have a necklace on I don't want to wear, and I'm having a bad hair day.

I'm wearing these plaid shorts that I thought were cool, and now I feel like a fucking bozo because Luke's over here getting bitches. What am I doing? I'm wearing a big shirt? I'm wearing a big shirt that I thought was cool because I'm going to grow into it. No.

I haven't grown yet, mom. Just come pick me up. Dude, Luke was getting bitches. You weren't. Everybody knows that guy. Everybody knows that guy. Luke wasn't sweating at the parties. You were sweating your dick off. Luke wasn't sweating. His hair looked good. He had the shoes on. He had the shoes, you know. They weren't like the most popular shoes,

but they're like the shoes that were like, oh shit, he has the, fuck. Why didn't I think of that? Damn it. I'm over here with the size like 13 shoes when i really wear a 10 because i wanted somebody to look at my shoes and be like ben has big feet but it's all a scam it's all a scam luke was that dude working parents day working parents day is wild

i never really knew anybody that had two parents that worked their dicks off you know it was always just one of them and you're like oh shit his mom's always home how about that just being a stay-at-home mom what about so what about that dad you knew that was a stay-at-home dad what if like how did he land that deal stay-at-home dad that's a deal your mom's like just the best nurse you know like the the nurse that everybody knows and your dad's just like, so what's up, Chuck E. Cheese? It's a Tuesday. That's a badass dad.

Chuck E. Cheese or DZ Discovery Zone, where are we going? The mall? The mall arcade? We got time to kill baby girl gymnastics just feet dude how about just being a dad and waking up at nine you probably gotta take the kids you probably gotta do a lot of shit if you're a stay-at-home dad you gotta take the kids to school that's like fun though who doesn't love taking the kids to school come on get them up get ready you're like fucking

you're like you know somebody one of the kids might be pissed but like you you know you can you can figure that one out you've been through it you're listening to like kind of listening to like what they like what you like what they like what like. It's like a fun time in the car. Say bye, you know. Maybe they kiss you on the cheek. Maybe they don't. Depends how old they are. How about that time you stopped kissing your parents on the cheek

before you went to school? Oh, shit. I saw, like, one of my cool friends, like, leave his dad's car, and he just didn't. He just fucking went right in. I was like, oh, he didn't kiss his dad. And then one day I was like, of my cool friends like leave his dad's car and he just didn't he just fucking went right in I was like oh he didn't kiss his dad and then one day I was like nah bro it ain't like that anymore dapped him up went into senior year high school can you imagine how about getting made fun dude something some kid got made fun of like that

bro i saw calvin get out of the car he still kisses his fucking dad he's 14 hey you get your license next year big dog you're still kissing up on fucking papa what it was a tough day though when you had to call it quits your mom though you can low-key kiss your mom till she dies but kind of sad but uh your dad that shit's gotta that shit's gotta stop just cuz you know give him the old give me give him the old knucks and get out of there. I got tests to fail. I got the hearing test to fail pops later. Fucking honks at you 15 times. Can't hear him cause you're deaf. What the hell are we talking? Oh at home yeah responsible dog owners day hey

hey everybody with a dog listen don't make me hate your dog i'll i'd love all animals but i will hate your dog i'll hate your dog i will love him deep down inside because he's a good boy because every dog's a good boy but don't make me don't make me hate your dog because of you owner don't do it man just fucking put in the work it only takes like 72 years to train your dog put in the work just a simple sit hey if you don't give your dog a hey and it doesn't shut up you didn't put in the work if you get about hey and it fucking you do your thing but if i walk in your apartment or your house and your dog goes

paws to stomach on me, I'll love it and love it up and scratch it behind the ears and kind of fucking do one of these. Because dogs love that. Just a little smack on the ribs. Like you're slapping a mulch bag. Said mulch, hate myself. Like you're slapping a mulch bag. Said mulch, hate myself. Like you're slapping a bag of wood chips at Lowe's. I'll still do all that, but if it, dude, is it just going to rock my shirt? Is it just going to blast my shirt?

The fly just hit me in the face every time I say four words. Get your dogs right. Get your dogs right. I love them, but get your dogs right. No jumping on. I know it's not. It doesn't have to be a fucking military bloodhound,

but like just get your dogs right. Hey! Sit. It can be excited for sure, obviously. I mean, it's a dog. But don't let it ruin us. Don't let it be the thing why people don't want to come over to your house. Oh, yeah, it'd be fun. Oh, they're dogs. They're dogs. Fuck. I don't know if I want to go. That dog is such a wild horse in that house. Get your dogs right. Get your dogs but get them right national dance day oh my god dude me dancing is so

fucking you i just won't do it i got like one move i'll just do this dude i'll just i'll just i'll just go to the music i'll go to the beat but i'm not like besides besides like the level one, like, okay, he's just kind of moving side to side with his feet thing. I got nothing. Because I won't take the time of day to learn to dance. The longest I ever took was trying to learn,

the soldier was learned cranked at in my sophomore year of high school. That's the longest I took and I couldn't get it down. But there's a party coming up and I was like, I know what they're going to play. And this is it right now.

This is it. If I know the cranked at, I can get through this one. I can get through this one, I can get through it. Try to get my friend to learn it with me in front of the computer. He wanted no part of it. So now he's just watching TV while I learned crank that my stupid ass in the living room while he's watching TV in the living room.

Hey, can you turn that down i'm. I was doing. Like. I so knew like two out of 67 steps in that song. How do people just know how to dance? They just know. They just got it. You know, I just don't have it. I just don't have it. But yeah, I did what I could.

I did what I knew. The most embarrassing thing was everybody was dugging one time and I thought I had it and I just went in there and did it. Yo. The look on everyone's face was just like, your time here is up. You ever try to do a dance you think you can just do without practicing? I have. I'll never forget it.

Sunday. Pro house cleaners day. I think that might be my number one thing I want. Like the number one gift. Get me a maid for two hours, three hours to just do some shit in my apartment. Just get all the fish carcasses off of my counter, please. Just a maid for two hours. That's, that's gotta be the number one gift. Just a maid for two hours.

That's got to be the number one gift. Maybe change my sheets. You know? Just do it all. I love it when a maid will like rearrange your shit too, but in like a good way. You know, you're at a hotel and the room service comes in and they just like,

they move around like all your personal belongings like all your little knickknacks and shit but you're like did they steal it oh they just made it look a lot better and they cleaned underneath them that's what i want to that's what i want like made to do in my house it's just like just like compile all my shit like don't like you can even fucking steal something if you want you can can steal, like, a bracelet or something. But just, like, you know, just reorganize me, zaddy. Get me right. Get your dogs right.

Wife appreciation day? Hey, one day, you know, one day. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but one day. one day. I don't know how I'm going to do it, but one day. Bro, I'm a little, I'm a little, like I'm, I'm, I'm the bitch that likes to surprise. Like if I have a girlfriend, I will like all, like we're getting a limo on a Tuesday type, type beat. And I don't care what you got going on. It's going down. I'm a little surprised, bitch. I will surprise. I will. I will ruin your life with surprises.

Oh, my God. Yep. And I won't say shit. You're not getting it out of me. You are not getting it out of me. And I will plan the dopest shit. Don't let me plan an event oh you're fucked whoever that is future wife you're done don't let me get to planning don't let me get a coffee in

my hand in a in a laptop in front of me when it comes to your surprise birthday party girl oh oh you're done for captain cute when it comes to your surprise birthday party, girl? Oh! You're done for. Captain Cute. Salute. Sergeant Sweet. Lieutenant Love. Round up the troops. It's a party.

All right, y'all. Espresso shot 280. That one was nice, yo. I appreciate you guys so much. I love you. I missed you so much. And I'm back. And send in your voice messages.

I really appreciate you guys today sending those in because that makes a huge difference. And it's just part of the game. Your voice message is slapped. Thank you. Leave a comment on the YouTube channel. Subscribe. Tell the psycho friends to subscribe. We need more psychos. Leave a comment on Apple Pods. Leave a rating. A goods. Leave a rating. A good one. Say something funny. You don't have to be like,

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