Espresso - what's something you're embarrassed by but you shouldn't be?

Episode Date: March 21, 2024

support benny and get every other pod and a weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzion this ep benny reacts to the things you're embarrassed by but you shouldn't be? (like buying toilet paper)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/DES MOINES, IA 3/21HARTFORD, CT 4/18OMAHA, NE 5/1💕 WATCH BENNY ON LOVERS & LIARS APRIL 11th ON CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

How much I sweat at the gym. And I'm not talking like back sweat, armpit sweat. I'm talking straight up vagina, inner thigh sweat. Like when I stand up, you see the imprint of my vagina on the bench. Oh no! And like, is everybody seeing this? Like does this happen to everybody? Am I the only one?

You're the one for me. You're my ecstasy. Is everybody seeing this? Like, does this happen to everybody? Am I the only one? You're the one for me. You're my ecstasy. Oh, this is on. Espresso Podcast Shot 307. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who just had a spoonful of peanut butter and now he's kind of sleepy. Whoops. Hey, can we talk?

Before we get started, upcoming stand-up comedy shows, Des Moines, Iowa tonight. Funny Bone, Des Moines, we're going crazy. Been promoting the hell out of it. Three months of promotion, it feels like. Bong and Corn Pops. Sexy Flyers on Instagram, we're doing it!

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But this show, I got producers telling me, yo, this is the one. This is the show. So it's pretty much like FBoy Island island only i'm one of the girls now i'm i'm picking from the i'm just dating a bunch of girls and you guys get to watch it and it is insane the dates we go on the stuff we talk about the stuff the stuff we say the stuff i say bro i'm a lead on this show it's insane you just gotta watch I have no idea what to expect the trailer was kind of banging I posted it on my Instagram and April 11th peep it and join the patreon for five dollars a month you get every other espresso

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I'll show you guys later. But yeah, benedictmerch.com for all your merch. Benedicpolizzi.com for all the shows. Or get your tickets in the description underneath right here. But can we talk? Espresso. Quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. What's something you're embarrassed by, but you shouldn't be fire question. This is question was also a submission from, uh, one of the fam members.

So thank you. Um, yeah, if you got a question that you think would be good for the pod, just send it over. I'll rip it. We'll rip dude. This is, this is for us. This isn't for me. This isn't for the, for the wackos. This is for the psychos. What's something you're embarrassed by, but you shouldn't be. I'm embarrassed every time I got to introduce one of my friends to my other friends and it's like a new friendship you know what I mean because your OG friends just already know each other that's already been done but when I got to introduce somebody and somebody else that's like relatively new I'm like do we it's just so I'm like here hey yeah do I really

need to formally introduce you guys like you're the queen of england like dude just yeah you fuckheads just there you go do do it there's been so many times where i haven't introduced hi uh brad this is alex alex this is brad so good so glad to have you uh you guys are gonna oh you guys are gonna love each other you ever have somebody introduce you like that i'm like shut up i want to leave and i always forget one of their names i'm like brad this is my homie uh and this is brad that's how i do it really or i'm just like figure it out bro jesus christ i really have to introduce you holy hell uh yeah but let's hear yours what's something you're embarrassed by and you shouldn't be let's go

so something i'm embarrassed by which shouldn't be. We're going to ride this without together. I really see Liam figuring it out. No way, dude. Using all the seconds. I don't know. I have a flat-on coffee load for chocolate milk like for the last 10 days, probably every third.

Every third or three-fifths day, I'll get a half gal and I'll make chugger in the 20 minutes that they see at home. So that's probably, that's what's embarrassing. It's just pitiful. And HG on the way home. Kiss the tish.

Got it, dude. Hopefully both parts play. Here we go. The audio on Instagram DM sounds so much better than on the website it does the dark dude i'm in my room right now in bed in the dark i'm like is that a scary thing or like a demon nun cloud of course but dude the dark's scary. Like, yeah. I mean, you know, be realistic. I'm 6'6". You know, Kamal a cougar. Bro's a tall glass of chocolate milk. Wait, wait, no, it's not. And we're not, like, real good.

Well, anyway, the other dark. I mean, I'm a grown man. Like, God's got me. I know. But, like, it's just something about the dark, dude. It's just something about the dark, dude. It's just something about... When I flip my phone around multiple times, I hurry myself up like a little Merdella,

a little Burrito, and dude, I just don't like the dark. So that's it, man. It's a... Kiss this, bitch. Hold on, we got another one. Okay, this is actually, yeah. If you listen to all the links, God bless you too, because this is quite a dissertation.

My proclivities of a middle-aged woman die embracefully. Let me define a proclivity. It's a word I learned reading Jordan Peterson. Shout out Jordan Peterson. He read- Turtles for Life and Antidote to Chaos. Great book. Sorry, no.

But a procl productivity is a tendency. My guy, I'm up there with all the 38-year-old mothers of the world. Give me TJ Maxx, wine, White Claws, Short Codes, Short Cade Rewards. I'm going to have one, but it looks cool. Give me Gossip. Give me PSLs. Give me a wine cooler. Like cheap ones. You don know, all the good stuff.

Give me daggum, what you call it? Daggum? You know, those wild comms. Get them here for the vibes. Yeah. No, that is very, okay, the third one, you're right about that. Everybody really, really, really deep down

is a 38-year-old white mom. I don't care. You could be the most thug dude you could be the most redneck guy you could be the most you could be in a gang but deep down you really love a brunch with the besties that's pretty much what a cookout is you know you see a cookout in the hood it's pretty much just a bunch of girls getting together and having drinks when you boil it down it's the most because 38 year old moms do the most comforting stuff that everybody wants to be a 38 year old mom deep down they just shop they have fun they have a coffee while they shop they come home they read a nice book i don't know what kind of 38 year old mom you're talking about but i've got a bunch of screaming kids at home okay ashley

shut up when you think of 38 year old mom, single mom, I guess, bro, they just, everything they do is, can I just relax? Can I just relax? You know why 38 year old moms need to relax so much? And they have the charcoots and they have the drinkies and they have the PSLs and they go to TJ Maxx you know why they do all that all the comforting things because when 38 year old moms get a headache oh dude if you're a mom and you're ages 38 to 68 and you get a headache everybody get down everybody get down bro when moms what is it about a mom headache that's just like oh my god oh dude when moms have a headache the whole world stops turning bro when my mom had a headache i wouldn't even eat until it was over.

I wouldn't eat. I might not even, when my mom had a, hey, I have a headache. Hey, me. I'd hold my breath for two and a half hours until it was gone. Mom headaches probably hit differently than anything in the world. There's just a different, it's just a different type of energy, bro. It could be, you could be at the Super Bowl. If a mom gets a headache at the Super Bowl, time out.

Dude, the refs stop the game. It'll just go to commercials. If you're ever like, why are there so many commercials during this game? Because there's a mom there and she has a headache. Just, that's the rules. We don't make them, they do. When a mom gets a headache, that's it. You drop everything.

It's over. Everybody's car stops. Everybody. And if you don't, bro, if you don't shut up when your mom has a headache, she will chop your head off with a rusty ax. And that's why. Because after the headache, after the headache goes away, it's TJ Maxx. It's Sharkoochie. It's PSLs. It's a nice coffee with some almond milk. It's a book.

It's wrapping up into a burrito on the couch with a cat and watching a rom-com. It's all the best things. Why? Because that headache was going so crazy five minutes ago. I just want to experience a mom headache. What's it like? Is it like just getting strapped to a wall naked and just getting hit in the balls with a wooden baseball bat over and over? Ah! Ah!

Son! Son! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! No, not again. Oh, God. That's what it is. Is that what it is? It has to be. It has to be.

Deep down, everybody wants to be a 38-year-old mom until you get the headache. I'm a little embarrassed to be a 38 year old mom I've been the 38 year old mom for the past like two years I'm a little embarrassed to say it but I think you can see that I think you can see like if you walk by me you're like okay he's kind of a mom

he's kind of a girl he's not a real man he's not a real man let's get going all right so one thing for me is buying toilet paper like i don't know what is so fucking embarrassing about having a thing of toilet paper in your shopping cart and oh shit i was driving um yeah but like i don't know what's so embarrassing about buying that because like like i don't want anyone to know like see me buy it but like also want people to know that i like use toilet paper because you know that's gross if you don't but then like not too long ago i was in walmart and there's this guy like 30 and he had the biggest thing in toilet paper and his buggy and air freshener. And he was just walking around the store like just so confident.

I was so jealous of him. Like he had no shame in his poop game. No, he does. Yeah. I don't know. I was very envious of his confidence. I know what you wanted to ask him though. You wanted to tap him on the shoulder

and you wanted him to go, hey. And you go, you look in his eyes and you go, but what that boo-boo do though? What that boo-boo do? Hmm, baby? What that boo-boo do, baby? That's what you wanted to ask him. It was all fake confidence

because I've been that guy. I used to live in an apartment in a city and I'd walk 100 yards, 200 yards on the city streets with a bunch of bars and a bunch of people all on the sidewalks. Hey, how you doing? Hey, how you doing? And I'd go to the store and I'd get 15 rolls of toilet paper and air freshener and that's it. And I'd walk back and they'd all see me and I wouldn't even get a bag because all that toilet paper doesn't fit in a bag. Big brick of toilet paper, air freshener in

the other hand, threw away the receipt 10 years ago. And I'm just walking to my apartment. So scared. So vulnerable. But I just acted like it was nothing. I'm walking on sunshine and I have to shed my pants. That was me. It is embarrassing though. You ever see somebody in the store that you kind of

like and you got something weird going on. Oh yeah well this is It is embarrassing, though. You ever see somebody in the store that you kind of like? And you got something weird going on. Oh, yeah. Well, this is just... Everything I buy at the store is so weird. Three cartons of ground turkey, flowers, a candle, toilet paper, and a jar of peanut butter. Huh? a candle toilet paper and a jar of peanut butter huh i feel like such an idiot in this store bro don't ever look at my stuff i never know what to say to people in this oh my god dude oh my god i said that was corny as shit dude cringe moment of the week that one time i saw

that girl with a bunch of Mexican food in the store and she's cute. And I like know her and I didn't know what to say to her, but I had to say it would have been weirder if I didn't say anything to her. So she had, she had a bunch of Mexican food and I go, uh, I look at her and I go,

okay, salsa. Put a bullet in my mouth please she goes i was like could i have bombed any worse bro i will bomb on site it's only when i'm trying it's only when I cause I was like I saw her and I was like I should probably think of something think of something time was coming we were passing okay salsa

gun to the back of my head let it rip pull trig babe that's what I get blow my head off blow my head off it's so easy to talk to a girl when there's nothing on the table you know you're just crushing game crushing dude because you don't care but once you see somebody you're kind of like okay salsa idiot Kind of like, okay, salsa.

Idiot. Oh my gosh, keep going. I'm going to go on a limb here and say my ex-boyfriend, not because he wasn't a great guy because he was, but the guy had cardboard boxes for nightstands. How? How? How? How? Cardboard.

Dude, some guys really don't care. That's that meme that's like, guys only need one thing. What's wrong with this picture? Show this picture to any guy and they'll say hell yeah it's just a lawn chair in a living room with an xbox hooked up to a tv and that's it some people really do that i could live like that but i like i'm always like what about the off chance that like randomly eight of the hottest women i've ever seen in my life show up to my apartment tonight. I'm going to need some shit. I'm going to need some actual glassware, some forks. I always have that in my head. I'm like, what if just 55 women showed up to my apartment tonight unannounced?

I'm going to need some curtains, big dog. I'm going to need a bed frame. I'm going to need a night, a cardboard nightstand,stand bro that's my worst fear my worst fear is a girl walking into my place that I live and going what the fuck so I've got such a fear of that I don't know what the first thing when I when I got any money from anything in my life the first first thing I do is like replace a lighting fixture in my apartment i'm like oh my god get this ugly thing out of here he's paranoid cardboard boxes nightstands that's why guys play on the road bro you don't have your girl over ever i could have a girlfriend for five years she would never see my room. Maybe on FaceTime.

If I answer, if I answer other than that, go into your crib. Weird, weird day. Do I have a girlfriend for a full year? She came to my apartment twice. What's the point i don't think she ever even asked why don't we go to your apartment because it's weird it's divorce debt like because you can't take a shower there like it my my shit's not ready dude if you like imagine your girl's place or your ex-girlfriend's place you could you could have walked in and you could have stayed there comfortably for four weeks. There's towels ready. There's just shit ready. There's food.

Things are stocked. The TV works. There's a comfortable couch. There's like a cat that rolls up on you, kind of rubs his fur on you. It's a livable situation, bro. You walk into a guy's apartment? No furniture. Dead animals all over the fucking counter.

There's dead fish in the fish tank. No food. Open my fridge. Open my fridge. I dare you. There's some who's buying this like Sunny D seltzer. There's pickles from 4th of July, 2007. Lunch meat, a bunch of hot dogs just for no, just for video content. Crumbs all over the oven. TV hasn't been on and there's dust everywhere, bro. You walk into my apartment, you immediately start. You got to put one of those flat.

You got to get one of those flashlights that go on your head. Like one of those ghost hunter TV shows. That's when you get in my apartment. Oh my God, is this haunted? No, actually, I've had it for two years. What's up? The bed's just on the ground. Guys don't care.

Dude, I swear for three months my computer was on the ground. And I would just sit on the ground and do what I needed to do. You don't need like no I don't I don't but then once I got a little bit of money I started making it accessible just in case 55 hot women walked in my apartment and it looked a little better it looked a little better. It looked a little better, but it was still like, you can see through the mirage. You know what I mean? I had the poor guy fridge still, you know, I had a cool light in the kitchen that you

might, Whoa, Hey, that's a cool light. light but my oven my oven was from little house on the prairie put a bunch of moss on the walls hey whoa this guy's trendy and cool no just covering up all the weird stains and holes in the walls and shit like that. You got a guy's got to play on the road, bro. It is embarrassing. Every guy's apartment is so embarrassing. And if it's not embarrassing, if it's like, Ooh, he's good. All right. So I, I work from home on Fridays and I, you know, order my lunch on Chipotle and on grow pub. I was like, all right, here it comes. I'm going to take my dog out really quick while I'm waiting. So I take my dog out,

you know, for five minutes, I'm coming back in my building and there's just this guy like hammering on all the call box buttons. And he's like, hello, hello, I have this order. And so I was like, hello, like answering the call box and i realized it's my food i was like oh it's like that's that's mine that is mine thank you thank you and i just like snatched the bag from him just so embarrassed and then like just like hurry my dog inside and i'm just like just like clutching this back like basically under my shirt just like so nervous i'm gonna run into someone yeah um like like my dog is like things are in danger she's like what bringing food delivery around anyone back into your apartment is so weird.

Even I even get embarrassed, like good thing, all the go puff drivers and Uber eats drivers and postman, dude, they're all foreign. So I'm like, you don't think I'm that weird, right? Cause you don't like, you don't like really know it. You know what I mean? I probably underestimate their knowledge, but I'm like, you can't think I don't like really know it you know i mean i probably underestimate their knowledge but i'm like you can't think i'm that weird right because you think america like everybody in america is a big pig so i'm like all right bro but i'll order a family size 60 pieced chicken wing dinner 14 sides this uber driver probably thinks i have a family and shit bro this is for me tonight ew my weird oh my god what oh dude i live in this house and this girl that lives here bro sometimes i order pizza and they deliver it to the main house when i was living in the apartment

in the back they deliver it to the main house oh my god was living in the apartment in the back, they deliver it to the main house. Oh my God, I've never been so ashamed of myself. I was like, I was thinking, I was like, it's been like 50 minutes. Where's my pizza and cookies? That's the stupid, where's my, where's my large stuffed crust pizza, pepperoni and cookies?

I should have gotten a notification on my phone i get a text from the girl that lives in the house i have your pizza and cookies i was like no one's supposed to know about my secret little dinner kill me so embarrassing and then she brought them to my door. I was like, oh! You know, I texted her, hey, you want some? Just so I didn't feel like such a fat piece of shit. You want a piece of pizza and some cookies? She said no. I was like, good, I want them all.

Oh my God, so embarrassing ordering food. They all are fat pieces of shit. So the one thing I shouldn't be embarrassed by, but I am. I love raves. I love going to raves. I haven't been in a minute, but I want to go to a rave every day. I love headbanging and a possible fear of my wig flying off. Like, there's just something about it. I'm not deep in the crowds.

I'm not going to get, like, trampled on. But, you know, I'll chill in the back. I'll headbang. I'll do all the theatrics. But it's low-key embarrassing when you're in your mid-30s. You're like, boob but I like to rave. But yeah, that's my embarrassment. But like, chuck it in the fuck it bucket.

Fine. Chuck it in the fuck it bucket. Um, what did I feel embarrassed about the other day? Oh, I went to Rolling Loud Music Festival kind of like a rave. And I was excited. And I put on my camo pants. I put on my Caitlin Clark Iowa jersey. Slaps. It does.

Des Moines, Susan. And I put on a bandana. And I took a picture of it and sent it to my friend, Derek. And he goes, bro, you're 33.

And I was like, it is a little embarrassing. It is a little embarrassing. It is a little embarrassing to put a bandana on your head and then go to a music festival and get the chills when Future comes on stage. I'm like, ooh. Should I still be... Should my legs get numb

when Karate... Karate Chop by future comes on 33 years old with a bandana on doing all the ad libs in the crowd chief keef came on and i go i can't believe this is happening. I said that probably 74 times. 33. So-sa. A little embarrassed, but it's just who I am, you know? It's just who I am.

It's just who I am. It's just who I am. That's what I tell myself. It's just who I am. Starts crying. I went to a rave. It was like a very low key rave in Indianapolis. A lot of body showing.

It was just kind of an interesting thing for me. I've never been to one. I was just kind of like, okay, me i've never been to one i was just kind of like okay there's a dj and you got like all right cool i'll go bro it was a whole thing it was just like and i was like fuck it all right cool but I do need I think I do need lyrics I do need lyrics like I I I mess with it all I mess with the genres I'm about all the genres but I do need some lyrics up in there every every so often I think that's why clubs like started to get less fun for me like nightclubs I don't go anymore but when I did and when I was like 23 and 24 and 25 mid-20s bro they would just play rap at clubs and I was like this is the best thing they just blast two chains in a place

and we can all just dance like idiots right here. It's crazy. And then like when I started, when I turned like 28, 29, clubs were just like. I was like, I don't really know how to get down to this. Maybe I shouldn't be here. Check. I would never be I don't think I'd ever turn down I've probably seen Drake in concert

that's kind of embarrassing a little bit no it's not I don't give a shit I don't think that's embarrassing embarrassing check nope I've seen Drake like 7 times Check nope I've seen Drake like seven times in concert. It's it's it's good every time. I've never regretted it every time like all this is hard So what I'm most embarrassed of and shouldn't be is how much I sweat at the gym And I'm not talking talking, like, back sweat, armpit sweat.

I'm talking straight up vagina, inner thigh sweat. Like, when I stand up, you see the imprint of my vagina on the bench. Oh, no! And, like, is everybody seeing this? Like, does this happen to everybody? Am I the only one? like does this happen to everybody am I the only one like I know your asses are sweating too but like you literally see the outline of my labias on the seat and it's so gross I'm constantly like trying to like slide off in a way that it like wipes the sweat print off the seat before i stand up

but it's just it's disgusting and embarrassing but it shouldn't be whoa i did not know that was a thing fellas we just entered enemy territory with that one wow that was some things i would never know about a woman. Y'all really just be marking your territory, huh? Oh, God. Wow. I do get a little embarrassed about the ass crack stamp I leave.

I'm like, ew. Hey, you ever not working out and you sit down somewhere and there's an ass crack ass crack stamp I leave I'm like ew hey you ever not working out and you sit down somewhere and there's an ass crack sweat you're like okay time for me to clock out it's always at work time for me to clock out of chilies or time for me to just you're never at work work. You're actually just out of Chili's. Leave that... Dude, do you ever leave the sweat crack stain just at a restaurant? Oh!

I didn't know it happened with the lady parts. Y'all just be out here stamping your way around the weight room. stamping your way around the weight room. I think I'm going to do some I'm going to do some incline bench. Okay, I'm ready to go. Wild. Wild, wild, wild. wild wow yeah i do get embarrassed by the ass crack sweat i'll uh i'll get up from the machine at the gym with that ass crack sweat and i'll wipe my like i'll i'll put my shoe on it i'll dj

my shoe on it just because that is embarrassing i don't why. I don't want you to know my ass sweats. Oh, my God. It's so gross. Not really, though, because everybody does. But it is kind of weird. It's so funny. When somebody gets up from a chair they've been sitting in too long, you just see all their ass cracks.

But I'm like, thank God, bro. Thank God I'm not the only psycho who's just constantly sweating. I think when people sweat in the gym, though, I'm like, good for you. You're doing something. I'm not really sweating in the gym because it's not that I'm not working hard. I'm just not working as hard as you. I think the person who sweats the most in the gym is like working the hardest. So when I see somebody dying in the gym, I'm like, salute, bro.

Salute. It's not embarrassing to me, big dog. You're just fucking going at it. You ever sweat real hard? Dude, when I sweat real hard in the gym, I'm like, yes. I wear a hoodie in the gym, so I should be sweating. When I sweat through the hoodie, that's when I know. That's when I know. So I see sweat through the front and on the back. I'm like, I wouldn't be embarrassed by that. But I don't think dudes know about the stamp until now.

So you just put us on. Now we're going to be looking. You made the guys even creepier with that voice message. Now we're going to be at the gym like, There are so many things I get embarrassed about that I feel like I shouldn't. Swallowing pills. I can't have anyone be in the same room as me, and I definitely can't have anyone looking at me.

I don't know. It's like I feel vulnerable or something, and it's like my throat just won't let the pill, like, cross the threshold into my stomach. But what really gets me is going to the pharmacy, dude. Like, they ask so many questions. They need to know my address, my phone number. Oh, yeah. And they need me to spell my whole ass name. I know.

We have three. I'm like, oh, my God. Like, put me on blast. I know I'm broken. And then they're like, you need to talk to the pharmacist. I'm like, no, I don't. Like, I don't need to. It's fine.

And then there's a million old people there because there's always old people at the pharmacy. And then I feel old because I'm there with all of them. And it's just I get out of there and my face is red. I'm like, it's just a sinus infection. It's not that serious. No, I know exactly that is insane when you're up at the register of anywhere even like Walmart one time I was at a CVS and they're like can I have your uh full name and number I was like dude no my number like i don't care who it is bro i'm not giving you my what

um can you confirm this is right and just says your address i'm like bro there's people my address fucking gross man the bank does that too how about when you deposit some money at the bank? They're like, you just deposited da da da. And I'm like, can you shut the fuck up? There's 8,000 people in the zigzag line behind me. If you dare say my checking account balance, I will come through this glass. You better. Yeah. This is why the there's bulletproof proof glass. You better, yeah, this is why there's bulletproof glass. Nobody's robbing this bank, but if you say my checking account balance, bro, I will break this with my fist and choke you through it.

Oh! Do not say anything about my bank summary, okay? No account information. So close to being the worst moment of my life okay and your birthday is 10 27 1990 i'm like uh i don't know why that's so embarrassing but can you not why don't you just fucking show show pic you know what actually just hold up a picture of my tiny dick do that what would you rather have us do say your address um your name full name your date of birth uh your height and your where the street you grew up on, or just show everybody a picture of your ass.

Picture of my ass. Okay. Every time, picture of my ass. Just hold it up. FedEx color paper. Just what it looks like, everybody. Okay. And we're all done here.

Here's your receipt. The pharmacy's incredible. They're out here saying what people are getting prescribed yo that's why they give pills the disguise name give me the weirdest finasteride everybody's like oh i don't know what that is you know what it is it's the pill that makes you not lose your hair because you're kind of a bitch. Embarrassed. Dude, one time I swear to God,

we were at Costco and they're like, you got the hair pills, right? I was like... Yeah, but do we have to disclose all personal fears before I make the transaction? My God. One more. What am I embarrassed of that I shouldn't be? Huh?

Funny that you ask this. Here we go. Knowing too much about things, knowing too little about things, everything I did in high school, everything I did in college, man, all one semester. Having an ass that's way too bustin'. Online date with a girl who confused me with a different Tinder match. And receiving the most votes to be my senior class president. I went up for my acceptance speech. Oh, God. Everyone could see I had the biggest boner. I guess you could call me the president erect.

This guy. This guy. This guy. Sorry, Katie. Yep. Every man has had a time where they were bricked in class and had to stand up. One of my teachers got my friend bad, bro. Sixth grade, break time. I don't

know what it is with guys, but we always, it always happens when we're a little, little tired. You know, I was a little tired in class. Kind of, I'm always a little tired in class. My friend was a little tired in class. We had this teacher that was like, if I see you yawn, if I see you start to doze off, do five pushups, do five sit ups, and then sit back down. Cause I want you at high attention.

And I was like, all right, that kind of makes sense. Bro. One of my homies was like dozing, I guess. Didn't see him. And she goes, Mr.

Herbert's stand up five jumping jacks dude bro is bricked he did him he did him but I think he faced the window or some shit oh my god You did them, but I think you faced the window or some shit. Oh, my God. It happened to me once. I had to do it. I had to present something. And it was all random. Who's going when?

Mr. Polizzi, you're next. I was holding the paper pretty low for that one. Couldn't even read it. I was like, uh, got to squint pretty hard for this. Why don't you bring the paper up closer to your face so you can read it, Mr. Polizzi? Well, you don't want to know. And I'm scared. Leaves in your yard. is embarrassing huh god that's something i don't know about that homeowner shit is embarrassing you got the worst grass on the in the neighborhood

because me and my dad used to walk around the neighborhood all the time we'd be like oh that guy's grass sucks they must be a piece of shit family if your yard looks like shit you can only imagine that the person is kind of a like trash god can you edge your siding what's the inside of your car look like what's the inside of your house look like what's the inside of your brain look like bro get your crabgrass right that's all i'm saying crabgrass just ruined my life my the only thing the only thing i have in my memory i just keep going dear diary conquered a big fear i did and you may think oh it's not so bad well it is

I'm the polite I'm the polite cat call guy and I did it in Hollywood and I was like kind of scared because we had the setup when I was in indie we had setup. We did it in a broad ripple. It was bang, bang, play, bro. Perfect, perfect spot. Perfect vision. Boom, boom, boom. The people knew, you know what I mean? It was just like, oh my gosh. Like it was like people be like, yo, yeah. And everybody was in on it. It was perfect. And once I moved to LA, I was kind of of like where the hell am I gonna do that here the other night did it right outside of the number one gay club in the world and it was like a dream I don't know how good it's gonna be I don't know yet but off of feeling we recorded the video bro everybody was so happy they were so into it they couldn't have been nicer it was so friendly and sometimes it can go it can go a lot of

different ways with the gays because you never know how they're gonna take it damn boy they might be like what the fuck or they might be like hey you know you never know bro but everybody was so in it's a it was it was almost like it was a dream we posted up next to this guy with a hot dog stand and a dog we had like a guard dog the hot dog stand was called big dicks it feels like i. It feels like I'm explaining a dream right now. There's a gay guy on a pink bike. The cross traffic was amazing. Everybody was dressed just perfect.

The girls looked great. The dudes looked even better. Oh, my God. It was a good time, I'm gonna start editing it soon, I know I always say that, and I still have to put out the drunk spelling bee from when I did that in West Hollywood too, but it's a one-man army, it's a one-man show, and I'm getting there, show and tell, show, show, show, show and tell, all right. This lady cut my hair, you know, cause I got the new barber. Now I'm out in LA. I gotta, I gotta figure it out. I'm figuring everything out. Go to this place called

Shorty's barber shop. I've had, I've gone there four times. I've had four different barbers cause I always choose first available. Cause I'm always like last minute. Like I'll book a haircut at uh 1 a.m on online for it for the appointment at 10 a.m the next morning like that's I never I can't plan shit out because it never works out every time I plan every anything like a week in advance I'm like well that no I have to do it the day before I go the lady's awesome she's. It feels good. It's looking good from the front, bro. She, and I was like, Hey, just one thing. I always got to, I got to remind the barber. Hey, I've got two hair transplants. So I've got two huge scars in the back of my head. Please don't cut my hair low so you can see the scars. You know what I mean? Like, just don't

do whatever you want to my hair, but don't let the scars show, because that kind of defeats the purpose of a hair transplant. Oh, gray hair! Turns around. Ah! He's a war veteran. Look at this, bro. She cut it too short. it looks like someone took a blender to the back of my head

oh my god so that's where that's why i wore the bandana all the weekend and just big embarrassed boy over here zoom that hopefully but oh my god how embarrassing but it was looking really good in the front so i still think uh I'll probably go back to that barber low-key but um just leave a little on the back end shorty oh man oh embarrassing whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa he'll show pictures of his weird scalped head on the internet but not the scars in the back of his head is it weird yes does he know why not really uh cringe moment of the week okay so i live with two girls uh just kind of happened got thrown into the situation um and one of them the other day

and when you have girl roommates they always like or just when you have new people in your life they always tell things about you that you've never knew about yourself or you're they keep you in check you know like uh one time she was like do you always just have peanut butter on your fingers and i was like what do you mean she goes there's peanut butter all over this house and i was like the other day and this is like big sister vibe. Like she's not. Like she's not with the game. She's not playing.

She goes. I like raise my hand or something. Or like try to get. Got something out of the cupboard. She goes. You don't ever wear underwear do you? My face after bro i just baby girl i haven't think until she just told me that wait so this whole time you've just been yeah i can just somebody slapped my ass the other day a guy he goes oh you don't have underwear on is it weird is it cringe i know who's it's 2024 who's wearing underwear

even in jeans i'm like i'm good it's just another layer i don't need am i weird i don't know Is this another layer I don't need? Am I weird? I don't know. Cringe moment of the week. Let's do days. Animal GTFO.

Days of the week. Thursday. Today. National Memory Day. The one thing I don't have is memory. I only remember the dumbest shit known to man. National spray tanning day? No, I didn't make that up.

That's on the list. Speaking of spray tan, I need to get a spray tan. Spray tan, I've been getting, not really hitting, kind of streaky. Am I going to keep going? Yes, because it's part of the routine. Every Sunday, every Wednesday. This is the routine. Shave the full body.

Shave the full body. And we take the coldest shower of all time. Then we get a spray tan. The cold shower thing, I don't know. I think it's a guy thing. I personally don't think any woman in the world, in the world, takes cold showers. I think it's just a guy thing. Because if you've gone into the bathroom after a lady has taken a shower, it is like a sauna.

It's like a steam room. I'm like, dude, their skin is so hot. You ever, dude, next time a girl walks out of a shower, no matter who it is, it could be your mom, your sister, your girlfriend, your grandma, just touch her shoulder, bro. Ah! The whole bathroom, bro. That mirror won't defog until next thursday everything in there feels

melted dude the paint's dripping off the walls after a girl takes a shower i don't think that i don't think i don't if there's if there's a fam girl out there that takes a cold shower hit me because i don't know i don't know i've never heard the girls go in the cold tub I've only seen guys because even dude it takes me it takes me a good 15 minutes I'll lag for 15 minutes before I take a cold shower because I don't want to do it that bad for 15 minutes I'll be on my phone I'll be hunched over on my bed I'll just be looking at TikTok like randomly at like 11 a.m. TikTok at 11 a.m. is not, is a disorder. You can watch TikTok at night, but during the day, if you're scrolling on TikTok,

I'll do it to buy time. No, I don't want to take that cold shower, bro. It's just a nightmare. I'll stand in the shower for three minutes like this before I get in the cold water. And then I get in and I go, and I hate everything about myself for like two minutes and then I turn it warm and I shave my whole body

then I go get a spray tan. And that's his routine. French bread day, I swear to the good Lord. One of the best things on earth is French bread sliced thinly. So it's like this thick. Just pop it in some strawberry jelly. Just wipe it. Pretend like the French bread is a towel

and wipe the strawberry jelly out. Slap it in your mouth. That's a sweet treat. Time for a sweet treat. Time for a sweet treat. What'll it be? What'll it be? Some French bread and some jelly. Yes, please. Friday. National

goof off day. That's what, that's what the, the live stream is at the end of the week, goof off day. West Virginia day. Big mistake. Big, big, big mistake. Dated a girl. Was kind of very locked in, as you might say. Didn't really do much with her, I guess. Yeah, didn't do much, I guess. I had a show in West Virginia with one of my friends. And I was like, yo, you want to go to West Virginia?

Like, come on. Invited her to a comedy show in West Virginia. We're driving with one of my comedian friends, bro. My comedian friend just did not shut up the whole way there and the whole way back and my the my girlfriend at the time i think almost killed him like audibly when he started a new sentence and she goes, did that. Oh my God. I wanted to die.

Get to the show. Get to the show. Cringe movement of the week. There's one person there at the show and she's performing. All this way. To do stand up in front of my girlfriend at the time in the crowd.

Only person. Name. Dude, that's why this shit is so hard to do, man. Because you just got to do shit like that. Bro, name. That's a nightmare for me. Doing stand up. it's crazy doing stand-up in front of your girlfriend the hardest thing i've ever done in my life doing stand-up in west virginia when the only person in the crowd is your pissed off girlfriend. Nothing.

Nothing I say will work. Nothing. I could say the funniest thing on the planet. Forget about it, dog. Whole cringe moment of the week. Then had to drive back.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Gotta do it. Gotta do the whole cringe moment of the week then had to drive back oh my god oh my god oh my god oh my god oh gotta go you gotta do it gotta do the gotta do the gotta do the hard shit gotta do the hard shit but wow that one was rough Saturday to Molly day yeah I went to uhmart an hour away to to find the rudy tooty fresh and fruity ihop chips walk through the parking lot to get to walmart but there's people out here hustling in walmart parking lots walmart parking lots in la are not just uh your goody two shoes parking lots, bro.

There is moves being made. There are about 14 trucks. I went through a gauntlet. Fres tamale, fres tamale, fres tamale. Taco, taco, taco, taco. Quesadilla, quesadilla. It was like a whole Mexican buffet. Food trucks.

They're just selling them out of the back of their Dodge Caravans. I was like, can you do this? Mexican buffet food trucks. They're just selling them out of the back of their Dodge caravans. I was like, can you do this? You can just hustle in a Walmart. Probably not bro. Just parked right next to the car corral slinging tamales. I was like, good for you,

bro. He probably would have given me like seven for a dollar, but I was like, I just was like, I don't know. I didn't even, I looked at his setup and I was like, nice.

He had like a curtain hiding it. In low key, he was just standing by his van like, the Mexican people walk by and he'd be like, and they would talk back. He'd be like, I'd be like, bro's got a system. Bro's got a system. Everybody was a system everybody was out there grinding i was like that's different every time i park in a parking lot in la somebody like i'll sit there

and like you know when you park in a parking lot you like turn your car off and you like get on your phone for a sec just to like catch up and see what you missed and blah blah blah probably hit somebody back like all right this is what i need to you're like getting ready to go in takes like five minutes sometimes it takes 55 minutes if you're at the gym. Takes like five minutes. You're like getting reset to get back into real life. Every time I'm, I park my car and I'm on my phone for two minutes, somebody knocks on my window, tries to sell me something. I'm like, dude, what the fuck, man? Can I, can I be in my car for 30 seconds without 19 people trying to sell me something in a Walmart parking lot?

This is what the deal is out here. So now every time I park my car in LA and I go into a store, it's like bang, bang, baby. No talking, no thinking. Just go because somebody will try to sell you something. It's amazing. Sunday. Last one. Cheesesteak day.

Never had one. Actually, you know what? I have had one and I'm going to go out and I'm coming to Philly. I'm coming to Philly to do standup. I'm coming there. I've never had a Philly cheese steak, but I have, I got a feeling that the one at Subway is just as good. Is that like blasphemy? I don't know. But I also have had one of the best rated number one overall meatball subs from New York City. And the one at Subway is better. St. Philly, you're going to have to prove me wrong. chocolate covered raisin day as well are they for really old people are they for psycho people

um i think so and that's why i'm in love with chocolate covered raisins because I'm old and psycho raisinets slap me in the face with the box you know what box I'm talking about the box that you buy raisinets that they're at the movie theater only and at dollar general and a dollar tree slap me in the face with that box. That's all I'm asking. That's it, fam. Shot 307 Espresso Podcast with Benny. Yo, check out Lovers and Liars premiering on the CW April 11th. Come to the shows, bro.

Get catcalled. I like it, like it. I'll talk to you guys next week. Join the major. See you guys next week see you guys next time bye