Espresso - what's the pettiest thing you've done?
Episode Date: April 6, 2023On this episode benny reacts to the pettiest things you've ever done (like WACKING off in a roommate's shampoo bottle) 🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗘𝗗𝗜𝗖𝗧'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜�...��𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 Albany, NY Thurs 4/6 https://albany.funnybone.com/ShowDetails/7103c957-393b-4e13-a58a-cb2b21082f5d/fe90f238-dd0b-4177-a490-91bacbb9d65d/Benedict_Polizzi/Albany_Funny_BoneTampa, FL Thurs 4/27 https://improvtampa.com/ShowDetails/d8ced7f0-fb31-41ba-86c6-14ef820cde86/86796be0-6fce-4955-94fc-cf1047b171ae/Benedict_Polizzi/Tampa_ImprovBoston, MA Thurs 5/4https://wl.seetickets.us/event/Benedict-Polizzi-800pm/532615?afflky=LaughBostonSupport Benny (get an extra episode and LIVE STREAM every Sunday!)🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317
Transcript
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She's like, oh my god guys
I'm pregnant
And all the girls are like
And I was like, oh my god
And like
I was like, are you gonna like
Go through with it?
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Hey, boo.
Let's talk.
Shot 257.
I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi, and today we we're gonna figure out what the pettiest thing is that
you've ever done for me when i was on f boy island i told you guys you guys saw dude mercedes and
louise were having like an argument it was the first one of the show and i was like yo
i gotta do something so i put together like this little picnic date and I set it up I didn't even
know this was gonna happen I they walked out of the room they're arguing didn't really even know
they're arguing in that room but I just feel like the vibe was weird and I was like in the room
grabbing shit and they're like they were looking at me like bro what are you doing and I was like
dude I just uh I just gotta grab this stuff real quick it was super awkward but i just like had to do it on some on some i don't know
shit walked out of the room set up this beautiful ass date she walks out with mercedes like kind of
like over it she sees a charcuterie board oh my god i. I was like, oh man, I'm in the game.
We're in.
You know, when someone's hacking a computer
and like a spy movie and they're like, I'm in.
That's what I said in my head.
And then, yeah, it was the most awkward date ever,
but somehow she liked it.
Thank God.
But that's probably the pettiest thing I've ever done.
Do I like being petty? Nah, but sometimes it liked it. Thank God. But that's probably the pettiest thing I've ever done. Do I like being petty?
Nah, but sometimes it just happens.
What about you?
What's the pettiest thing you've ever done?
Sarah.
Okay, here's the pettiest thing I've ever done.
When I was 18, I moved out to LA,
and I was living with my cousin and he had a
really terrible roommate. She was a monster. She would like eat your food and she would start
arguments. So me. One day she started a really bad argument and it was crazy. It was like throwing
stuff and everything. And we kicked her out and forced her to move out. But to get back at her for being such a crazy person,
I whacked off in her shampoo bottle.
I told my cousin that.
And I was like, what if we whack off in her shampoo bottle?
And they were all like, no, that's crazy.
And I was like, yeah, you're right.
I'd already done it.
no, that's crazy.
And I was like, yeah, you're right.
I'd already done it.
Don't you love when you commit a crime and then you tell your homies,
you're like, bro, what if I did that?
And they'd be like, don't do that.
And you're like, oh, fuck.
Well, it happened.
And I would go to jail for it.
But you'll never know.
I love the voice,
like the anonymous voice,
the manual anonymous voice.
But yeah, whacking off on stuff.
I never used whacking off as a term.
But yeah, that happened a lot.
Have I done it?
I'm not going to confirm, but yeah, I have.
It's always a group of dudes and you're like should we and you're always like 16
but uh yeah that's crazy i wonder how many times i've actually i've i've eaten it and not known
you know like how many times has somebody done that in my food and i'm just like clueless it
could be every meal i eat and I'd be like, this is really good.
Did she deserve it?
Probably.
Probably.
It's not even that big of a crime.
She never knew.
It probably made the shampoo like, it probably texturized her hair.
Her hair, what if her hair just never looked better that next day?
It's like a photo shoot.
Just the crimpiest, curliest, shiniest hair.
What'd you use?
I don't know.
It's just a good hair day for me.
Just cheese.
It's petty, boy. On the the petty scale probably like a six because i have a feeling i have a feeling these are gonna be bad let's keep going petty's thing i ever did i was dating a girl
years ago and we fought all the time and i used to keep little trinkets and shit at her place, a.k.a. sex toys.
And anyways, we were fighting at one point and broke up again.
And we worked together and I demanded I wanted all my shit back.
And so she left her car key on her desk, told me I could get it,
brought all this stuff in to work in a bag,
and I took the car key, went to the car, got the bag out,
and then locked that bitch's key in the car and left.
Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
Fuck.
Oh, I just feel like if I did that, I would just see him the next day.
Hey, you guys not scared that you're going to do some shit like that and get in trouble.
That's why I've never been able to like really fuck some shit up.
I'm always like, there's a camera.
Every time I've done anything kind of bad, I'm like, there's a camera.
Any type of shit.
Kia car.
No fucking way, bro.
People are crazy and they'll find that footage
but like if i if i was dating a girl we fought all the time when we finally broke up which never
happens you never break up bro i broke up with my girlfriend that means you're still like doing it
you're still like when somebody says they break up with a girl they don't actually break up until a year after breaking up takes a year no one's cold broken up and just been like
that's it i'm never talking to you again dude somebody always somebody always feels bad and
they're like so like are we gonna like talk about it after i never understood that in relationships
though like we're all right we're
breaking up okay that's it and then like a week later the girl will be like yo so like is that it
and you're like yes you're the one that yeah what more what more explanation does it i need like
closure what do you mean it's it's oh like that shit dude props to you for just being like yeah that's it
locking her key in the car i swear to god i'd lock a girl's key in there in the car and then
shut the door and turn around she'd be right there and i'd be like hey
that's that's wild bro she had to call it locksmith and shit
no that's that's down bad when you gotta call it locksmith you ever lock your key in your car
so hard you gotta open a phone book and find a guy's number and just some random guy comes to
your car this one i lost my i locked my keys in my car one time dude put like a little bag in my
window pumped it up full of air so the door was like. Dude put like a little bag in my window, pumped it up full of air. So the door was like,
and then got like a hanger and unlocked my door.
I was like,
that's it.
All I got to do is have a little airbag and I can break into anybody's car
that I want.
That's not,
it's not a bad play though.
I'm kind of like that pettiness.
It's like,
it's not going to ruin your life,
but like fuck you.
But when you key somebody's car,
I thought that's what he's going to say.
When you key somebody,
they got to go get a paint job, bro.
Let's keep going.
I don't know if this is petty or shitty,
but here we go.
I had an ex who left a bunch of clothes at my place.
And soon after, I ended up having my wallet stolen.
It was on a weekend, so banks were closed.
Couldn't get money out.
And I decided
to sell her clothes
to Plato's Closet. Oh my
God. And I sent her
a picture of the receipt
and said
do you want to know what
our relationship was worth to me?
Seven
dollars. Shut
the fuck up. For the record i think the overpaid
i don't think you could pay me to go to play a little update uh in the 30 minutes since i
recorded this i did in fact lose my wallet that's a bad feeling bro you ever talk to somebody and you can you can just
you can just smell that they lost their wallet on them they're all like scatterbrained and their
their energy's all messy and shit you're like oh fuck jay just go take care of that and talk to me
never you can't dude i'm a different when i lose my wallet you can tell bro i. I'm a different, when I lose my wallet, you can tell bro. I look disheveled.
Like what the fuck's going on with him?
Is he okay?
Is he sick?
Did he,
did he sleep last night?
That's what I look like.
And it always ends up being like in the pocket of my,
my pants or always my wallet,
my wallets black.
It always ends up being like on top of a surface that's black and
i'm like oh it's right fucking there i'm blind dude you sold your ex-girlfriend's clothes to
plato's closet that's kind of i don't know man how come i don't hate anybody that much
my ex-girlfriend would have to murder my family and I'd still be like,
so when are you available for me to drop off these clothes? I don't know.
Dude, I have an, I have like a sweatshirt. That's my ex-girlfriends. And I still fucking
wear that shit. I worked a workout the other day i was like i don't know dude
this is just a good sweatshirt i don't care whose it is i don't know if i hate anybody that much
bro but putting her shit in plato's closet that's all that's a that's a chore for you dog
how about when you go to plays at plato's closet and you try to return some like good ass clothes
and they're
like we can't take that we can't take that we can't take that dude i could just buy it at the
mall i just bought this from hollister 20 minutes ago it smells like that like uh what's the cologne
fucking jake cologne still smells like it can't take it out of style i'm like bitch
and then then then the walk of shame they give you they're like hey you can throw them all away
in this dumpster behind uh behind our fucking store so you gotta walk all your old ass clothes
good for no style clothes and throw them in the dumpster bro i'm like play-doh's closet you're
bitch i'd light a play-doh's closet on fire and be completely okay with that and throw them in the dumpster, bro? I'm like, Plato's Closet, you're a bitch.
I'd light a Plato's Closet on fire and be completely okay with that.
That's my pettiest thing I've ever done.
He lit four Plato's Closets on fire.
No one would care, even the owner.
Who the fuck is Plato, anyway?
Whoever made that store, dude. dude fuck you let's keep going i was dating a
professional basketball player and he moved from the u.s to new zealand to go play pro there
and a week after he moved there a new zealand girl dm me on Instagram asking if I was his girlfriend and saying that
she slept with him after one of their games and I asked her how she met him and she said on Tinder
so I downloaded Tinder and bought the premium Tinder so that I could change my location
to a one mile radius of his apartment I I made all the photos, photos of us,
but with him cut out of them.
And then I made the caption, breaking up with him.
And I swiped until I matched with his profile.
And then I proceeded to block him
on every social media platform,
blocked his phone number
and had all my friends and family do the same
and never talked to him again oh my god
the effort
oh the effort.
But why?
Oh, my God, dude.
Man, you got to really want to fuck somebody up to buy an app.
Man, you can't pay me to download an app.
Well, yeah, yeah, that's okay.
You just got to download our app first.
I'm like, no.
No, thanks.
I'm good.
I don't need anything.
If it involves downloading an app i don't know how
much storage i have like there's a lot of things that factor into this and you're just gonna
fucking sit here and watch me download your stupid ass app she downloaded an app and bought
the premium version i don't think i could man i don't think I could put in that effort for somebody that cheated on me.
I'd just be like, yo, I guess I'll never see you again.
But when you block somebody, does that mean you actually love them?
If you're not blocked, were you ever in love?
I've never blocked anybody on Instagram.
Never.
What's the point?
So they can't see your shit or they can't talk to you.
I just wouldn't talk to him.
But yo,
that's a lot.
Damn.
He was like,
yeah,
you were,
you were like about to marry him type.
That's that type of anger where you got your family blocking him too.
I think it would cut the deepest if like the girl's dad that you dated
messaged you and was just like, fuck you.
I'd be like, dude ever you ever get out of a
relationship so bad you're kind of like scared you ever break up with somebody and like for
the next two weeks you're like are they gonna like fucking come out of nowhere and beat me
with a bat or something or you think there's gonna be like a weird fucking note on your car
like somebody's just gonna jump your shit in the middle of nowhere.
That's happened, dude.
I was scared for like a month one time.
I was like, is she going to?
Is she going to like light my parents' house on fire?
Bro, that's wild.
Here we go.
Pettiest thing you've ever done.
The pettiest thing I've ever done the pettiest thing i've ever done would be this voice sounds familiar on a tv show to piss my ex-girlfriend off top fuck you already know who that was
yes sir the stallion it's anonymous i'm not gonna say anymore but
yeah that is a different kind of you you know you break up with a girl then you go on reality tv
that does that does hurt a little bit
that does that does hurt a little bit if i broke up with a girl and i saw her on reality tv after that i don't know bro i just
i'm not a person that hates anybody if i broke up with a girl and she went on a reality tv i'd be
like good for her bro she like took advantage of that what the fuck is wrong with me i can't get
mad i can't even get i can't i can't get mad at people in relationships either
every time i'm in a relationship and somebody starts a fight with me i'm like well this is
like kind of what i signed up for so yeah just like come on i'm not gonna like fight back when
i when you get into a relationship it's just like yeah there's gonna be this many fights like you
have your fights you have your fight quota and you're like yeah it's gonna be it's gonna suck a lot it's gonna
get like you know like i expect all the hard bullshit so when i get in a fight i'm just like
yeah let's just wait till this one's over i guess i'm not gonna like fight back
what's wrong with him? Let's keep going.
The pettiest thing that my husband has ever done,
I'm sorry, I have to use this example,
is he was annoyed that I was eating or using his salad dressing and he didn't want me to use it anymore.
So instead of just like buying another salad dressing,
he used a empty milk carton,
like hollowed it out and put the salad dressing in there
so I wouldn't see it.
So I couldn't use his salad dressing.
And when I found it, I was like,
this is the most insane petty shit like who does that
just like what but it was that important to him bro bye too what
imagine making a salad and then putting dressing on it from a milk carton. I wouldn't eat the
salad anymore. That's disgusting, dude. Anything that dude, milk cartons are gross looking to
begin with. They're all cheap, dude. They're all, Oh, there's crust around the rim of it.
Oh, do you remember that shit? I'm saying, do you remember that shit?
Because nobody buys actual milk anymore.
You go to the store, bro.
I couldn't even find the milk.
Like in the gallon, like plastic thing, I couldn't even find that shit.
There's like one door of it now.
When I was a kid, there were like 64 doors of gallons of milk.
Nobody drinks milk anymore.
I kind of tapped out on milk when I was like 12.
I was like, you know what?
Fuck.
I don't even know what this is anymore.
But when you uncap it,
you got crust falling on your fucking hand.
Oh, and we're drinking that?
And you're putting dressing in that?
And put it on your food?
And the dressing's probably like caesar it's white too
yo buy two dressings
oh in the gallon
i really want to know what kind of dressing that was.
What was the dressing that got you in your biggest fucking,
in your feelings the most?
Was it Catalina?
Catalina had a little run there for a while.
Was it Thousand Island?
Remember Thousand Island?
Remember when you were obsessed with Thousand Island dressing for a little bit?
Was it Italian?
Italian really fell off.
Italian dressing fell off, bro.
It's all about ranch and Caesar now.
Yo, Caesar dressing can fucking slap my ass and call me Sally.
Caesar salad, have your way with me.
Caesar dressing, choke me.
I'm a little whore for Caesar
that had to be it
I know it was Caesar dressing
he put it in the milk carton
so wild
let's keep going
okay so
one time I walked in on
my best friend fucking the guy I was seeing.
Oh.
And I went to her house and I completely trashed it.
And I also put mace on her car door handles and I stole her Alexa.
Dude, I just don't care about anything enough, I don her Alexa. Dude.
I just don't care about anything enough, I don't think.
And when I say trashed, I mean like completely destroyed. I literally fucking put lotion and like chips in her bed
and took all her clothes and like threw them on the floor.
Fucking broke her shit, like completely destroyed.
So like granted, it was totally worth it
and well-deserved on her behalf,
but definitely petty as fuck.
Like definitely the lowest level I've ever, ever stooped to.
But I'm here for it.
I'm fucking scared of you
guys it's a petty little picnic in the park chips in her bed dude if you try to trash my apartment
put chips in my bed you'd un like you'd like pull up my comforter and you'd be like, oh, there's already chips in his bed.
I don't think I could, man.
What's the closest I've gone?
The pettiest thing.
I'm always kidding.
I'd prank somebody.
Actually, it got done to me for no reason, dude. My roommate, or no, not my roommate,
just my best friend broke into my house, kidding just broke into my house and then like he flipped everything in my room
upside down or is before like he left my house because he spent the night or something he turned
everything upside down i was like oh god damn it bro but actually trashing someone over a dude i
just bro you guys are...
Walking in on that would hurt a little bit though, wouldn't it?
I still couldn't do it.
I'd be like, you guys fuck all you want.
I'd probably be relieved. I'd be like, thank God god i don't have to fucking deal with that guy anymore you know if you're
the girl you're like think yeah like ask him to go out to eat after when you guys are done
you want to go to olive garden let's keep going okay so i need to know if you are still doing...
Definitely not the right one.
Hey, Benny, I think I have a good...
Hey, Benny, I think I have a good idea for...
I will fucking kill everyone.
I mean, what? Dude what this is crazy that this
is happening hold on 65 stupid gps i swear to gosh there's no i swear to gosh um a good topic
for your podcast and it would be things you pretended to like for the person you dated
i think that could get fucking hilarious. Fuck.
That's good.
That's good feedback.
That doesn't, that's for next time.
But things you pretended to like for the person you dated.
It's good.
It's good shit, dude.
It's good shit.
That's fam right there.
That's fam helping fam you ever heard gps
going off like that uh wreck my car can't hang thank you thank you for the idea that could slap
that will slap i think that's probably gonna be next week let's keep going bro the pettiest thing
i've ever done that's a freaking loaded question there that's all right so here we go um my
roommate that i had way back in the day really pissed me off all the time so we would like argue
all the time what the temperature is going to be this kid weighed maybe 90 pounds so best voice
ever and what like just a small little feller anyway he would put it on like 90 degrees to piss me off so every five
minutes you would hear him walking back and forth and me back and forth to like the thermostat to
set it so i put on 55 degrees and ripped it off the wall and hit it he called he called the apartment
management office and they're like they called me and they're like what's going on I explained the situation
to them
yeah they came up and they're like yeah you're good dude
just put it back on the wall we'll leave and do what you want
so it's pretty damn petty
fuck
also yeah I definitely have milk
voice
milk milk throat i love you milky boy whoa best voice ever dude i uh i was i was just
fucking around with one kid one day and i went into his car after school you know how you can
like there's like detachable cd players that were in
our we're in our cars when we're like because we're old as fuck and it was like 2008 i fucking
ejected his faceplate and like stuck it in his back seat you could clearly see it but dude he
called the cops he called the school to look at surveillance cameras it was like a search party and i clearly looked the most
suspicious i've ever looked in my life went up to his car looked around made sure no one was there
went in the back did it and then left his car no one ever said shit to me and one day over the
speaker and announcements was like if you have or if you know someone who has been tampering with
vehicles in the parking lot um please come to the office uh there are missing face plates there are
missing people are breaking and that is not what we do as a student body and i was like what the
fuck is going on and the kid came up to me after and he was like bro
somebody broke into my car stole my face plate and i was like you fucking idiot that was me i did that
like a year ago and i was just fucking around he's like where is it i was like bro are you
serious calm the fuck down oh you couldn't listen to tim mcgraw went into the back seat of his car
found it in like one second i was like here felt felt like such a bully felt so cool though loki because one time that kid that i stole his
face plate that kid farted on my head one time in pe so like i didn't feel bad at all i was like
yeah it's in your back seat fucking fart face yeah but the thermostat i've never had a problem with the thermostat
i do like it super hot in my apartment though so i can see there being a problem but before i live
by myself i didn't touch the thermostat once because i had ptsd from touching like not touching
that shit when i was a kid don't touch it bro you ever turn on the
ac when you're a kid when your parents don't know they will shoot you in the fucking chest with a
12 gauge shotgun if you fucking flip that ac on
dude who do you think you are first of all and why oh my god my mom would have slit my throat
that would have been such an offense like she might have even like
wrote a letter to my dad and told my dad that because my parents didn't talk
once in their lives she would have been like it would have been so bad she would have had to write
a letter to my dad and like and like show it him. That's the kind of offense that would be.
That's fucking insane. Hitting the thermostat. Who do you think you are? Even when I do it now,
I'm like, my mom can like hear it in her sleep. She's like,
sleep she's like he better not fucking overdo it goes back to sleep the things my mom can hear in her sleep when i set a glass down on the coffee table in my living room without a coaster
she rises from her sleep sends out a carrier pigeon to fucking break through my window and hit me in the head.
I'm like, okay.
But dog.
Like if my roommate liked it really cold, I'd just put on a bunch of sweatshirts or something.
Or like open the window.
My dumb ass will leave the heat on when I leave the house for like two and a half months i'm an
idiot dude let's keep going yeah so this one time i was working at a pizzeria and there was this girl
who i didn't like and i said out loud that i was going to spit in her pizza and I ended up getting fired for it,
even though I didn't even fucking spin it. Oh, that sucks. You're just kidding. And you got fired.
What a relief getting fired. I'd have been like, thank you. Bye. You ever get fired and you're just like,
best thing that could have happened to me.
I got laid off from my job, bro.
Oh my God.
And it was like the day before my birthday,
which seems like so sad, but it was the best.
Your boy's just getting that severance now.
I didn't even know what severance was,
but I was like, you guys are just paying me.
Sounds like a deal getting fired for saying you're gonna do something
man i should be fired i should have been fired immediately from every job i've ever had
i worked at a restaurant for a year and a half dude maybe two years how was i not i had no idea what was
happening in that restaurant the whole operation i was just kind of like
but does anybody know i kind of thought it was crazy when people knew shit about
like restaurant stuff like our specials and beers on tap i was like you guys really pay attention
we don't have that beer in rotation right now i was like how the fuck do you know that
that's amazing i guess it's just like normal people shit but wow it could not be bothered what are the specials i have no clue let me go ask someone
half of my job was asking people what the fuck was going on at a restaurant maybe because i
only worked like one day a week and every time i went in there everything was brand new
but the the amount of times i told people fucked up shit and they could have like told the boss
and they i should have told the boss and they,
I should have been fired immediately. Probably three times a day.
Cook a cringe moment of the week. This one girl. Okay. It was like four girls in the
server area. I didn't think this was bad for girls in the server area. Um, I'm back there
and this girl is like kind of who's normally on her shit was like freaking
out she's like oh my god guys i'm pregnant and all the girls are like oh and i was like oh my god
and like i was like are you gonna like go through with it because it had that vibe like that. That was everyone's question in their head
and everybody for a second was like, are you? And then I had to off the top of my head. I was
like, are you going to go through with it? Because that is a miracle. That is amazing.
What are you going to name it? I had to like cringe moment of the week.
You never know, babe. Just keep going.
Back in high school, one of my friends who I'm not friends with anymore really started to piss me off.
So I decided the best thing to do is give him the hardcore silent treatment.
So I just wouldn't talk to him at all. He'd try everything
in his power to get me to talk to him. I wouldn't budge. I wouldn't even look at him if we were in
the same room, which is really hard to do. So this went on for months. And then on top of that,
he was one of those people that would park in the same parking spot every day so every day i would intentionally get to school early
just so i could steal his parking spot it was so funny i don't know how you kept that up bro
every time i try to like be silent with somebody something happens and i have to like talk to them
like i'm not gonna talk to this person the whole day because they fucking piss me off and then like
we get paired together in a group and i have to like do a project with them.
I'm like.
And then they make me laugh.
Like one time I was I was trying not to talk to my friend all day because I was like, oh, fuck.
Like if I talk to him, I'm going to get in trouble.
Like I just got I just got like detention for like laughing at a fucking joke or some shit.
And my plan, my game plan was don't talk
to him the next day we fucking they they rearrange seats in our class sitting right by him he says
the funniest thing i've ever heard in my fucking life the second i sit down i'm like i can't pull
this bro i can't be serious and not talk to you for a long amount of time.
No chance.
Or like I'll actually, you know, you like you, you like actually make eye contact with them in your car.
You're like, fuck.
I'm too obvious.
I'm way too.
People would be like, okay, what?
Like, why aren't you talking to me?
You fucking idiot.
And I'll be like like I don't know bye
So you wanna hang out tonight?
Just break down
last one
The pettiest thing I've ever done is
hide my grandma's cigarettes
to see how she would react and
Needless to say she started freaking out but i i told her i was just joking
and i just hit him but if i would have actually threw those away she might have uh actually killed
me but yeah dog yeah it's not ever worth it fucking around with an old person because they might
really like get out like a little like hand uh
hand axe or something you know a small little small little weapon
a gun you know you know every grandma and grandpa has a gun in their house for sure
like an old ass musket who took my cigarettes your grandpa
definitely has a revolver somewhere hidden in like the garage in a weird box for sure and it
has like two bullets in the case oh yeah and they'll lose their shit and fucking shoot you right in the ankle.
Trying to figure, oh, dude, one time I was being a little bitch boy and my mom got groceries.
I thought my mom had like a drinking problem or something just because I didn't know shit.
And she had a bunch of wine and I dropped it on purpose in the garage and it broke on the ground dude bitchiest shit
i've ever done my mom was like why the fuck and now like i'm thinking about it today dude if
somebody broke my bottle of wine i'd be like you're dead to me go go find a new place to live
i was like my mom's an alcoholic i saw like some commercial about some some like family i had like
a mom that was like an alcoholic and she's drinking wine all the time and i saw my mom
with one bottle of wine one time and i was like oh my god and i fucking broke it oh i'm a bitch
garage smelled like wine for like two and a half years. Still smells like wine. All right, fam.
Pettiest shit you've ever done.
Dude, we're some horrible people.
We care too much.
We really do.
Dude, downloading an app,
getting a Tinder and break.
That's cold, girly.
That one wins.
Pettiest thing you've ever done. Download an app
and fucking
change all the shit on it with
her and her boyfriend, but her boyfriend cut out.
That wins to me.
Alright, fam. Yo,
I'll see you guys in New York,
Tampa,
and Boston. Can't wait.
Remember to join the Patreon.
Grab some merch.
I'll see you guys next time.
I have fam.