Espresso - what's the PSA you want to send to the WORLD

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

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And I look insane. I just realized that. Like, I went a little too hard on the training, I think. But let's get to it. The espresso quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. One of my homies, uh, his name's Hey, Mayo main on Instagram hit me up and he was like, bro, this would be a good question. What's the PSA public service announcement you want to send to the world? So if you got a good question you've been fumbling around with that's in your back pocket,

bro, send it to me and we'll get it cracking. Because we do this for the fam, baby. This is for the fam. Get your PSAs out right now. What's a PSA you want to send to the world? For me, it's don't show me your YouTube video. In public? I want to tell my guy at the gym. The gym is for no talky, all worky. I'm not at the gym to have any sort of fun. The gym is, I hate going to the gym and I want to make it as short as possible. And somebody fucking comes up. What's up, bro? Hey, this made me think of you, which is sweet, but this made me think of you, but throws the phone in my face. And I, you know, what you do every time somebody shows you a YouTube video in public, the first thing you do,

how long is it? You look right to the bottom right-hand corner, five minutes, 34 seconds. I was like, how are we going to get through this? How are we going to do it? Bro, just, he doesn't like for the first minute, we're actually watching a video and I'm all fake pretending it's interesting. It could be the most interesting. It could be porn. It could be the most interesting thing. It could be the, it could be the first alien they found. Just the, and I would still be like, yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. It could be home footage of me that I've never seen before. And I'd be like, that's crazy, bro. And then he starts doing the fast forward thing. And I'm like, Oh, thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. Thank God. We get to the end and I'm like, why didn't you like, was that, what is that? Is that a cry for

help? I don't know. But public service announcement to the world. Don't show me your video. I don't care if it's five seconds long. I don't care if it's the most entertaining video in the world. Just send it to me so I don't have to look at it on my phone either. That's all. I don't know why. I don't know why. I don't know. I don't know. Are we still doing that? It seems like it. Don't do it. But let's hear yours. What's your PSA you want to send to the world? Hi, Benedict. I love this podcast. I look forward to it every week. Thank you so much for doing what you do. PSA is please share the sidewalk. I cannot stand it when people are, you know, walking two,

three, even four people across holding up the whole sidewalk, totally unaware of the world around them, or that might be somebody trying to get by. And of course they're walking at, you know, zero miles per hour. Or if I'm, you know, walking or running towards somebody on sidewalk and they see me coming, but there's three of them and they make absolutely no effort to make space. And so I have to go onto the road to get around them. Grimes make ears. So please, shred the sidewalk. How do people not know? How come that's the only thing I'm thinking about?

I love you, by the way. Thank you for saying the things about the podcast. God damn it. I swear, I swear we're all the same. We are all the same. People that listen to this podcast, we are one, we are one unit. That's the only thing I'm thinking about when I'm walking down

the sidewalk is who should I move out of the way for? And I've caught myself a couple of times where I'm like on my phone on the sidewalk and I'm like, kind of like dilly dallying, you know what I'm talking about? And I'm like kind of in no man's land because I think I'm going to get something done on my phone quicker. Like boom, boom, boom. I'm done. And I'm back on my, back on my awareness grind. But sometimes I'm on it a little longer and I might be in the way. I've even taught myself when I'm on my phone, kind of walking. I'm like, bro, immediately stop. Back to the wall, big dog, fucking back to the wall. Get out of the way. All I'm thinking at any point in time in public is get out of the way. I just don't know how else to function and how. Show me, show me a brain where you're not thinking like that, bro. People will walk

doubled up four cheeks in a row down the middle of a sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard. And I'm just like, am I the, dude, sometimes they're in the way so much with no, that means two people's brains, not one of them are like, hey, bro, let's move to the fucking right because there's other people. The spatial awareness, bro. The spatial...

The bar is so low. I swear to God, if you have spatial awareness, I will marry you. Bro, I think it's from being a kid. You know, kids have no... They're like in the way and their parents are like their parents, like basically beat them to move. That's that was my whole childhood. I was just in the way. And my mom would grab me by the shirt and fucking get over here, Benny. There's people Like once that happened, like maybe 15 times, I was like, all

right, I'm never getting in the way again. And it really hits you. It really like drives at home when you get blasted as a kid, you ever get blasted. Oh my God, dude, somebody's I can't, I don't know what it was. Oh, you know what it was? It was, I was, uh? I was at a football practice. I wasn't playing. I was just on the sidelines and I was in the way, bro. One of the running backs was like coming towards the sideline, boomed me in the chest and it like hurt. I was like 13. Shoulder pad to the sternum. 13. Shoulder pad to the sternum. 13-year-old sternum. 22-year-old guy that was like a running back, college football running back. Those dudes are moving. Bro, just gashed me in the sternum. I was like, that was the last time I ever got in the way. I was like, I cannot. I can't afford this. Sometimes when there's a group of people that are in the way on the sidewalk, I cannot, I can't afford this. It's going to, sometimes when people, when there's like a group of people that are in

the way on the sidewalk, I want to climb through their legs. Hey, sorry. It's trading it by. Crazy. The sidewalk's not big enough. I just keep crawling. Looking back. We got one.

What do we have to do around here? Thank you. Oh my God, bro. That is such a good PSA. I could, this whole podcast could be about people being in the way. Next time you're in the way, I'm just going to bring a fucking blow dart. If someone's in the way. What'd you do to my girlfriend? She couldn she didn't move over okay i get it i guess here we go hi benedict so i know you went to disney world for the first time i love you i

happen to go all the time because i only live two and a half hours away. It's a trip. But I don't know. I always end up in line with people who don't understand either personal hygiene or understand what deodorant is because I'm always smelling bad BO. So my PSA is please people who go to any theme park or park or outside area, please know what deodorant is or bring extra with you. If you start to get smelly, nobody's going to judge you for putting extra on. I know I would be thankful if somebody put extra on. So please, for the love of God, people wear deodorant. How do you not know?

How do you not know? After like seven hours minimum, I'm like, I know I smell. I know I smell. I know I smell. Like, even if I don't think I smell, I smell. There's seven hours after your shower where it's like it's back maybe mildly you know but after seven hours bro like are these people going like two days without showering and then going to Disney World I'm just trying to think like what was your

bro I want to shake I want to grab somebody by the neck and just shake them and go, what was your morning routine? Did you not know you were coming here? Bro, in a Disney day, a Disney day, you got to be on your game. You might buy new deodorant for Disney day. Like, oh shit, Disney. Like I need to get my act together. like a like oh shit disney like i need to get my act together people that smell people that look bad i'm like this is disney day clean up your act am i crazy but then again there are the people, have you ever seen the guy that puts too much deodorant on?

Those are my favorite cats, bro. It's never a girl. It's never a girl. It's always a dude. He says something, raises up his armpit, celebrates, and like,

there's like balls of deodorant in his armpit hair and maybe like a little bit of residue under it. I'm like, dude, like you can't feel that. I can't smell or I'm, I'm pretty, I'm pretty bad, but I just know after, after four, six, seven hours max, like it's time to, it's probably time to get in the

shower. I had such a thing with hygiene because like my, my, my nose, my nose is gone. The fam knows my nose hasn't worked since I was 11 years old. And now I'm just like hyper aware of like, okay, I need to shower like a lot. I don't understand after I do, I can't wait more than a day to shower. I can't. After I get a spray tan is the longest I'll go. I'll try to wait that one out. I'll get a spray tan on like a Wednesday at like 3 p.m. And I'll try to go until like at least noon the next day without taking a shower.

But some people won't take a shower for like two days. And I'm like, bro, what's wrong with your brain? Aren't you suffering inside knowing that there's probably maggots harvesting in your skin by now. I swear, I promise this is a real thing. There's a, there's also, this is, I don't know how this is going to come off, but we're, this is why this podcast is this podcast. We just say shit. We say shit. And I don't know if it's politically correct. I don't know. I don't care. There's a lot of bigger people at Disney world facts. And you ever see a really big person and just think, how do you wash all that?

That's a lot of surface area and like no fault to them. I mean, I don't, I try as hard as you want, but like, how do you reach that? You ever think about that? I'm just like damn dog you gotta like if you smell like i get it but like do something about it because we're out i'm i'm two inches behind you and i'm waiting to get on this coaster big dog and you smell like a bouncy ball you smell like a fresh open package of eckridge farm ham it is what it is man it is what it is i don't know what to tell you i'm not gonna tell you because you'll probably be like don't judge me bro you smell like shit and i'm right here oh fuck i forgot to bring something up here damn it i might

have to go get that i'll go get it when i i'm just i'm thinking out loud again honey hunty i'm thinking out loud again if you say if you call your significant other honey automatically you you sometimes slip in a tea in there you know hey hunty hunty what's for dinner hunty how was your day hunty hunty hey hunty honey though how about honey? Calling somebody honey? Wow. Almost girded all over the microphone just now. I'm going to call my significant other, Gird. Hey, Girdy. Hey. Hey, Girdy.

How is work, Girdy? Girdy girl. Hey, Girdy girl. All right, let's keep going attention planet earth stop fucking calling people oh yeah now we're talking we gotta end this stop calling people i love it we have text messages we don't have to do this anymore delete the app from your phone it should be an app that you can just download dude people just this this is one of those podcasts where we all come together and people just get it dude this is it right here and delete actually you know what you shouldn't even be allowed to download it true get it off your fucking phone disable it stop calling people yeah this is my time you're calling somebody you're saying hey stop what you're doing it's me time no i'm not working

i got shit to do thank you also like I can understand a message better. I can fucking read. It's so true. Chances are, I'm not going to hear you that well. And you know what? I might not have the best reaction in the moment. If I can take some time,

I can get you a good message. Like there's only a few reasons why you should ever call. One, if it's an emergency. Two, if you're meeting up with somebody and they can't find the place. Yep. Three, girls, you can only call me if you're missing my number. This guy!

my number that was that might go on voice message hall of fame dude that's voice message hall of fame there's only a couple in the hall of fame bro but that one was oh no strokes no stutters just

facts dude he's so right people just No, no, no strokes, no stutters, just facts, dude. He's so right. People just people that will just willy nilly FaceTime you at 2 p.m. I'm like. What makes you think you're eligible to have this kind of access? eligible to have this kind of access not that i'm some superstar but i could be just for anybody just what do you think i'm let me stop everything and and have a face-to-face convo with you at the drop of a hat now i've oh dude when somebody facetimes me oh this is what i think in my head time to do stand up for however long they want

okay here let's start the all right is the mic on because that's what it is bro when somebody facetimes you it's like didn't know i was having a show today you want me to really be be real on facetime i'm gonna i'm gonna pick it up and go text me damn man imagine facetiming someone because you just want to talk to them imagine just wanting to talk to someone i i promise i was on facetime the other day because i felt bad and in like three minutes in i, can we just get to the point? You can FaceTime me if like there's situations, bro.

And this dude is so right. There's like you every time I FaceTime someone, there's a delay. The connection's bad. What'd you say? Oh, sorry. My phone's breaking up. Like, how have we not gotten that fixed yet? Phones, phones, companies, phone companies, communication phone companies. phone companies how have we not fixed the facetime bro facetime's been around for like 10 years i don't want to do it but every time i do it it's a nightmare and i'm like why am i doing this even like a phone call i hate them but every time i'm like so I can't be in an elevator. What is it? The industrial revolution.

We should have internet everywhere by now. I'm so, I'm so sorry if I'm being a snob, but you know what I mean? When, when you're like somewhere and you don't have service, I'm like in this era, in this economy, in this economy, right now, I don't have service. I can't, my radio and phone are disabled when I'm in a car wash.

What? Okay. But it's always, every time somebody FaceTimes their or calls it's always the worst connection it's always uh let me uh i can't let me call you i hold on i just need to just text just text just text hey hey this one though this one though i know you're like oh my god we get it we get it we don't know but this is the podcast where we, we can go on about bratty shit like this. Cause we're all in this. We're one unit, one unit of complaining. Amen. This is the complainers club, complainers crew,

complain gang. I accept all complaints because they're all there you're saying them for they've hurt something's hurt you and you have to complain about it this is the complaint gang on gang um god what was he gonna say hey how about when you get a facetime call or whatever the fuck call any type of call where you have to talk and you have your headphones in oh okay oh oh oh o'reilly's oh my god what a extreme night terror that is bluetooth headphones on someone facetimes me my my phone literally explodes i'm like how have we not figured this out how have we not i'm listening to a podcast or a song somebody facetimes me i feel like a gun should come out of my phone and shoot me in the head that'd make it easier the person i'm talking to the thing I'm listening to interrupted gone I

don't know where that's going I don't know is it playing out of my phone now that'd be embarrassing I'm in the gym working out listening to something somebody facetimes me all of a sudden Roscoe Dash is playing out of my phone I'm like and then the person isn't even connected on my headphone i'm like bro you facetime me and you ruined my whole day i went home at the gym because i was so pissed off you can't hear them they're there it's like weird on their end it's weird on your end when you have headphones a bluetooth accessory on i'm like i can't believe we haven't been we can't figure this out yet incredible and it just goes to show you bro just text he's so right he's so right about just had a stroke kind of gird kind of girded kind of girded i love you gertie boy oh skip going love you milky boy

two things maybe three first and foremost um yeah jesus loves you yeah die for sins jesus loves you so check them out secondly what was the other one i'd say jDD. Oh, yeah. Can we stop with the food trends? I mean, first was avocado toast. Yeah. And then it was everything bagel seasoning. And then it was after that, like, air fry everything. You know what I mean? Just, you know.

Bro, he's on it. He is on it. It's so true, all three of those things. Kiss you a kiss. Kiss the dish. and have a day, you know, that's the man. Jesus loves you.

And enough of the food trends, just enough of those. And I was like, all the trends of this generation does honestly. I mean, there's some funny ones. Don't get me wrong. Like when Gail Lewis from Walmart freaking retired,

the amount of like tribute videos people made, those are funny. But dude, just dog just left. But yeah, she even heard me talk about trends and she left. But yeah, cut the trends. Even your dog was like. Yeah, that's it, man. Jesus loves you.

John 316, check it out. Love you, babes. Fudge. John 3, 16. Check it out. Love you, babes. Ta-ha. Fudge. Kiss a tis, boo. That's the most fam voice message I've ever heard in my life, dude.

Hit me with the Jesus loves you times three. That's crazy. And the kiss of tis. I think, honestly, I think this podcast and this like group, this complaint gang, I think we put tis on the map. You know how there's so many food trends. He's talking about food trends. There's so many food trendy things. There's so many rotisserie chicken memes. And I think we started that. Am I crazy? Am I crazy? We started rotisserie chicken organically. And we started doing this in every picture because our eyes aren't the same size. I promise we had a big hand in that, in that meme, meme, whatever, meme generation whatever meme generation meme culture

you didn't like invent everything okay ashley i'm just saying we did it before it was hot okay but you probably like stole it ashley shut up sorry that's my producer ashley um avocado toast i'm kind of back on i hate to say it yeah food trends are stupid you know what you know what he missed though he said avocado toast he said everything bagel seasoning he said air frying everything you know what you missed on some uh on some on some let me one up you guy real quick. I hate this guy, but I hate it so much. I got to add to the pile. Red Velvet. Red Velvet was so like, oh my God, have you had Red Velvet?

I'm like, dude. Hey, Buffalo Chicken Dip too. I want to get some BCD. Is there BCD? Oh my God, I'll go if there's BCD. A tailgate? Oh my God, football? No way. I'm bringing bcd i'm not going unless there's bcd bcds want to see my bcds

she she holds up two crockpots Want to see my BCDs, baby? Fuck. Buffalo chicken dip, red velvet, avocado, everything bagel seasoning. I never got that to work. Oh, trust me. I tried. I never got it to work. And air frying everything. I hopped on the air fry trend, though.

I did. My roommate got a mean air fryer. Things like an oven. I was cooking everything in there. I got to get another one, bro. I got to get another one. It was so gas, but the way I air fried stuff, see, I am part of the problem. I'm part of the problem. PSA, get off your, get off, step out of the food trend realm just for a little bit. But I was in every one of those. I would air fry stuff so hard. I had to get a new air fryer like every two months. I don't know. Like, do I cook things wrong? I swear to God, I'm just doing the normal things. Cook eggs. The pan is ruined in one day.

I'm like, is this, is it me? Cook a pizza in the air fryer. Got to get a new air fryer the next day. It could be a brand new air fryer out of the box. Put a pizza in there air fryer. Got to get a new air fryer the next day. It could be a brand new air fryer out of the box. Put a pizza in there. The whole thing looks like it exploded internally. I'm like, oh my God, is this a one? Is this a like a temp? You know, in mission impossible, it's like this message will self-destruct in five seconds. That's my air fryer. Put a pizza in this air fryer will self-destruct in 25 minutes after this pizza is done i'm like okay better be a fucking good pizza then all right you like cook things too hard ashley you don't know you don't follow me around

you want it done like now and fast you're such a guy all right that's enough out of you now and fast you're such a guy all right that's enough out of you uh yeah the food trends are a little annoying until you try them and you're like i kind of get it i kind of get it i kind of get it there going no one gives a fuck about your opinion i don't know if that's uh i could read it before i saw it is that the psa psa no one cares what you think true but you gotta take it with a little grain of everything bagel seasoning sometimes. Like, I don't really care what this person says, but... And you kind of got a point. Like, if you look at everything open-minded, which can kind of get you into trouble.

You can see, I see all sides of things when someone brings something up on the and everyone's like bullshit i'm like well like if you look at it from that angle like it is kind of kind of weird i can't think of a good example maybe the example is this no one cares about your opinion i don't yeah true i don't care. Yeah, true. I don't care about yours either. I can't tell if this girl is triggered by me or if she's just saying that in general. I think she's saying that in general. But think about if she was saying this to me. No one cares about your opinion because she's the girl that just shows everybody YouTube videos all the time.

She's like, oh, that was my thing. No one cares about what you think. No one cares about your opinion. No one cares about your opinion. I think I, I think I'm the opposite, dude. I think I care about too many people's opinions. We can all, we can all, we're all a little guilty of that every now and then, but I don't know. I just, uh, I think every, I like, I, I see everyone, everyone, I value everyone a lot. I don't know why or how that happened, but I don't even, it could be a homeless person and a homeless person says something like to me I'll fucking think about it I'll be like you know what I don't care who you are I'm like you kind of you kind of got a point I need to fucking and like if anyone tells me something if someone's older than me and they tell me something I'll be like you know what he's right

just because he's older than me. Like I value people that are older. I value my elders opinion like 14 times more than me. I'm like, yeah, he's 50. He's like on the ground with no teeth in his mouth and one leg in a hook on his arm. I'm like, leg in a hook on his arm i'm like i should give him five dollars actually in an uncrustable let's keep going so my world psa slow walkers get the fuck out the way like literally i do not see how someone can be so unselfaware of their surroundings. Like, you are literally a problem. Tell them! Like, I will gladly throw you in front of a moving bus.

Not literally, because I'm too weak for gel. But, like, in my head, oh, yeah. Murder's on the menu in the head. Dude, I love it. Like, do the world a favor and create your own lane. Or just don't go outside. You know, I'm pretty sure they invented like Instacart and DoorDash for those people. Like just go away.

Those people. Also, the ones that have like those big strollers that fits like 18 million kids. Oh. Add your own lane. Slow walkers, big strollers. oh add add your own lane slow walkers big strollers just just have your slow lane just get out of my way i got a mob i already don't want to be outside yeah let me just a and b and get back jesus god she's a dude hitting every beat with that voice message hall of fame hey it's a nominee it's a nominee it might not be directed mitt but uh it's it's a nominee because she was playing drake in the background i wanna have her home i love and nothing i would rather do than move you out of the way. Hey, hey, hey. If you walk any slower,

I'm going to put a gun to your head. Hey, hey, hey. If I know you're a slow walker. Hey, hey, hey. And I'm approaching you very near here. No way. I'm going to throw an ax at your back. You're going to fall on the sidewalk and I'm going to walk over you. Hey, hey, hey. That's how I feel. Intrusive thought. Every time there's a slow walker in front of me i want to take an axe from behind my back that's just it's not there but like i wish it was there a lot and i want to that's what i want to do every time someone's walking slow or in the way and you know what another one of those she's talking about stroller people in the way. Stroller people, you should know.

You got kids. You got responsibilities. You got shit to do all day. You're zipping around, running errands. If you got a stroller, you're busy. You should know. You got to go places fast. You can't be behind somebody slow.

You should know if you have a stroller. Get to the right. Move you and your double stroller to the right. Because the single people without kids are Come and throw me and my crow. We swagging in the mow. Oh my God. we swagging in the mall oh my god hey but it's the people with the carts in the stores that'll just fucking park it in the middle of the aisle and then bend down with their big fat ass and look at three cans of beans i'm like never mind i don't need peaches in a can in this aisle anymore i'll go to the next one even maybe

out of this stone it won't even i i gotta go i gotta go come on there's other people here there's other people in the store bro if there's one that my mom used to do that to me too she pushed me the out of the way so hard when there are people behind me. And also if dude, if I was by the cart, you know how your mom's like, stay by the cart in the store. The old stay by the cart. Cause the cart is the anchor. And my job was to move the cart to the side butt it up against the shelves we got high traffic in this area we're in the toilet paper aisle high traffic a lot of foot traffic move over that's how you can that's how dude you know what if you're if you're thinking about getting into a relationship and you're like on the fence about somebody which you shouldn't you should

get out of that relationship if you're ever on the fence just don't if you're not two feet in automatically it's not right for you but if they're if you're like if it's too good to be true maybe oh my god i really like this person oh my god they're like hot and like funny and like oh my god they're like they're one of those people i can like just beat around and not say anything you know it's like that take them to the grocery store take them to the grocery store see how they act oh my god what are we getting uh i just want to pick some stuff up but in your head take them to the grocery store, see how they act. Oh my God, what are we getting?

I just want to pick some stuff up, but in your head. I'm going to test all your abilities. Dude, if they're just all fucking scatterbrained, if they're all over the track, kick them to the dump their ass. Hey. Head on a swivel to the side. There's people around here and they're all idiots.

If you're in a weird aisle for too long, you know what I mean? I'm like, I don't really like you anymore. a weird aisle for too long. You know what I mean? I'm like, I don't really like you anymore. If you're just fucking hanging out in the freezer aisle, I'm like one, all this shit's way too expensive. And you're just looking around in here too. It's cold. The freezer is cold and uncomfortable. I don't really like being every time I go to the freezer aisle, frozen food aisle. I always say fucking freezer aisle. Every time I go to the frozen food, frozen food aisle, I always say fucking freezer aisle. Every time I go to the frozen food aisle, I'm a, I'm kind of like, I need to get out of here.

I need to get my shit and get out. If you're just in there, bro, see ya. Never. Frozen, frozen food aisle is like snappy shit and if i sometimes if i can't find what i need i get like very impatient in the frozen food aisle i'm like i'm looking for those fucking chicken patties i don't think they have them i'll look for like one more try and then i'm like i'm out i can't i guess i guess i'm just not gonna get them hey hey the best aisle in the store though. The aisle that I can,

the aisle that I can, I can be myself in the bread and peanut butter out. Oh, why does it feel like home? You know what I mean? Why does it feel like home? God, that's the number one aisle, bro. I think it really is. When you walk in the store for some reason, I'm just like that one. I don't need anything in that aisle, but I just got to go down for old time's sake. Just a walk down memory lane in the bread and peanut butter aisle. Just slapping bread and shit. dude just swinging around bread over my head hitting people in the face with it they don't even care right slapping people in the ass with loaves of bread. Every time, every time I get on the bread, damn, it feels good. I feel like nothing could happen, bad could happen to me in the bread and peanut butter aisle. I could stand there and get shot and I'd look at the guy and go, come here and just give him a hug.

Right. When I released the hug, he just got blood all over his shirt. I'm like, you know what? That looks like strawberry jelly. Ba-da-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba- I could stay in here for a while. Vegetables is a little too open for me. You know, the produce. Like right when I start to feel comfortable, I look up and somebody's fucking staring at me like across from the, from the bananas. I'm like, what? God damn. Can I not? Whatever. Dude, it's when you're in the store, take them to the store, take them to the store. If you like them, take them to the store. If you can function normally at the store, if it feels like, if it feels like you're just going to the store by yourself, but you're with somebody you like, they, that might be it. That might be it. If they're checking off your boxes at the

store, staying out of the way, not being weird. There's a whole checklist of ways you should operate at the store. If you got to go to the bathroom, it's an immediate thing. It is. If I have to go to the bathroom at the store, I'm like, I got an abort mission. I got to go now. Perfectly normal to me. I kind of don't like, you can, you can take a little, you can take a little walk through the like dollar cheap items, but like don't spend all day in there if you're with a girl or a guy in there it's usually a girl and they're spending too much time in the like cheap aisle in target you know i mean at the front it's like i mean are any of these things really going to impact your life

do you really need a pez a piglet PEZ dispenser? Like, can we get out of here? Loving you feels as good as farting. Loving you feels as good as farting. That's a public service Is that a song lyric?

Loving you feels as good as farting that's a public service and i'm is that a song lyric loving you feel as good feels as good as finding i love how farting's getting into songs now you know you think you're the shit bitch you're not even the fart i'll be going hard like how did she make that sound good imagine the the whoever wrote that song being like sliding her the paper that has the lyrics on it and her being like like imagine if somebody slid you lyrics like you're about to perform this right now and we're gonna record it and it said you think you the shit bitch you not even the fart i'd be like for real i think it was a joke the whole time dude she made that

she made it kind of go hard she made it go hard you thinking this shit bitch you're not even the fart but i think we should put fart more we should put that in more songs like John Mayer. Loving you feels as good as farting. Yeah. When you Dutch oven me, when I'm taking a nap.

Yeah. I think it's perfectly normal to put fart in songs now. I spice revolutionize the music industry. When you fart in the kitchen. And I can't tell if it's the food you're making. Or it's the food you're making or it's a food you already ate. Loving you feels as good as fire. Jesus Christ.

How good does it feel? I know. I know. This is gross. Ew. I didn't know. Dude, how good does it feel? Can we just take a moment there's always a fart

moment on all my podcasts because like I can't get over it I can't I'll never get over it I can't get over it how it's not how we do it it's the best feeling it I mean damn damn, you know, when you burp and you're like after this crazy to me, we just burp, burp, burp, burp our little sweet asses off. But once you fart, oh, you're a Neanderthal. Girls. All day, like a fucking toad. Like, all right what that boo-boo do though all that burping huh what that boo-boo do what that boo-boo do boo-boo do what that boo-boo do holy shit what that boo-boo do though a lot of noise coming from the mouth what that boo-boo do I have to burp imagine if you were dude every girl I've ever Excuse me.

What that boo-boo do? Imagine a girl being like, they have to rip ass. Like, would you just do down with the sickness with your a pipe you just do down with the sickness with your poop shoot did you just do down with the sickness with your boo-boo excuse me it's crazy dude it's crazy maybe that's what i want when i go to heaven outside of the gates what would you like what would you like to know you can pick anything young man my child my child you can pick anything you'd like to know from your life.

What would it be? Are aliens real? Are dinosaurs just chickens? Do you want to know? What do you want to know? I'm like, um, everyone I dated, I want to hear their, um, most weird fart. Wow. Can you imagine? Maybe not everyone I've dated, maybe just like a select, like a handful, you know, just like not of people. I just like people like, um, let's see i want to hear jennifer aniston fart real quick

and then i'm i'm good honestly he's like okay so you want to you want to know what jennifer aniston's boo-boo do i'm like exactly did you listen to my podcast next time somebody hears fam homework fam homework next time somebody burps look at them go okay but what that boo boo do we're all waiting

quit beating around the bush what that boo do. I'm not just standing here for you to burp. I want to know what that boo-boo do. This is the third time I'm recording this because when I play it back, it sounds like I have a lisp and I kind of hope it, it like translates that way. If you do play this because it's kind of, it's kind of fucking a little lispy on my end hysterical it's kind of hysterical bro no but like i don't have a lisp just for the record i don't know what's going on with the sound but my psa okay it's about girl scout cookies obviously everyone has a favorite like you gotta like at least one right so i got uh thin mints the other day i open up the package and I'm like, this is weird.

I don't remember the top of a Thin Mint cookie being so bumpy, right? I remember it being smooth, kind of like creamy looking, a little velvety, if you will. Mine, like it was like the craters of the moon landed on my Girl Scout cookie. And I was like, what's going on? So I put it out there to my followers. I was like, hey, anyone else getting like interesting looking Thin Mints? I'm getting pictures back. Their Thin Mints are looking nice and creamy just the way I remember.

Nice and smooth top. A couple little bumps here and there, but pretty much overall smooth. The point of my story is this. After deep diving diving i found out that there's two girl scout cookie bakeries shut up depending on the region of the united states you live in you get like bakery a or bakery b and the recipes are slightly different oh no and like example by me the samoas are called samoas somewhere out in like california hold on hold on there's gotta be a minute hold on by me, the Samoas are called Samoas somewhere out in like California. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Somewhere out in California. Sorry. Voice message number two,

but this is important information. It is around California. Let's just say, this might be the most important thing I've ever heard in my life. Like maybe where you live, Indianapolis, it they're called caramel delights. They are no longer Samoa's they have different names as well I don't know what kind of operation the Girl Scout cookies have running, but they're also priced differently I or I don't like this anymore. I don't like this anymore I've lost all I didn't really have much faith in the Girl Scouts, but now You call yourself scouts online because obviously i got to do a taste test right like bumpy top thin mint versus smooth top so i had someone who sells the smooth top ship me over there you did this and i'm doing the taste test live

and um dude drop the alert they taste different um but they also have an operation going on with the prices i had to pay seven dollars for mine when i ordered from her hers were five dollars and something's going on something real shady is going on the girl scout cookie business i'm out but um i need you to try to say because i just listened back i I need you to say Girl Scout cookies with a lisp. And it's it's epic Girl Scout cookies. Girl Scout cookies. What's up? Anyway, I'm gonna go make traffic. And what else did I want to tell you? I think that's it. But like, we got to get to the bottom of the Girl Scout cookie situation. They got a scam going on. Dude, that is the OG scam. Hey, is that the next question?

What's the scam? What's your scam in your life? Girl Scout cookies. Oh, let's put a bunch of cute little girls outside of a store. Do you want to donate to the Girl Scouts today? No! That's what I'm going to do next time they ask.

After this information? Hi, do you want some gross, gross coffee? I'm going to go one inch in front of her face with a bad coffee breath. No! Bet you'll never forget that one. Tell your mom I said the same shit. Tell your mom I said the same shit. I'm just wondering, why don't you?

Because you price them different in different regions. In some, the tops feel like my dad's face, and others feel like a baby's ass. And I don't like that. I know what you're doing, Girl Scouts, and I don't like that I know what you're doing Girl Scouts and I don't like it can we get some consistency over there you call yourself Scouts huh you know what Scouts are they're milit militant. They're disciplined. They don't go off the rails. Girl Scouts, you know what you need to do? You need to look yourself in the mirror. You do.

You need to look yourself in the... And you need to... That salute, whatever the salute, whatever troops you're supporting. It's a scam. Old bumpy smooth thin mints, $5, $7. Get your shit together. Consistency. I don't know who your general is.

Okay, G.I. Jane. Get your troops in line. Because if these Girl Scouts go into war, they're getting their brains blown out. Girl Scout cookies against Oreos? getting their brains blown out. Girl Scout cookies against Oreos. It's 48 nothing at half, baby. Come on. Eat all fudge cookies would run the Girl Scouts into the ground with what kind of operation they're running over there at Girl Scout land. Sick. Sick. Girl Scout cookies. Scam. We created this on the podcast. Boy Scouts need to rival the Girl Scouts. So rival the Girl Scouts.

Because Girl Scouts, they're a monopoly right now. They just think they just got it all in the bag, bro. No, no, you need a competitor, and it's the Boy Scouts. Boy Scout hot dogs, maybe. If you really want to, dude, Boy Scout, maybe Boy Scout's getting a cookie game. Put them in their place boys boy scout uh boy scout donuts boy scout like chocolate covered pretzels just saying we could go a lot of different ways boy scouts fucking put up a fight here we go somewhere around california sorry voice message number two but this is important information somewhere around california

let's just say or like maybe where you live indianapolis it okay no that's that's my voice message number two let's keep going my public service announcement tell me is to not talk to me when i'm eating when i'm at work and i sit down for a break and i'm eating that is my little piece of heaven right slice of heaven for the day and then if my co-worker comes up and decides to have a little conversation while i'm eating i gotta put down my fork. I don't know. It's interrupting. I just want to sit there and eat. Me and my ex-boyfriend, we used to go to restaurants and we'd get a four-person table and we would sit diagonally from each other where we'd be on opposite sides of the table and not right in front of each other. So we didn't have to look at each other or talk to each other. We could sit in silence the whole time and just

eat. God, that's so good. Yeah. I don't understand people who- I don't get why you broke up with them. Love to sit, socialize, eat, talk, have a conversation. It's like, I am here for the food. This is my time. You're just slowing me down. Thank you. I don't know if I'm the only one like this. I'm curious if I am,

but I guess I'm not because my ex-boyfriend was like that too. That's why we dated for seven years. Yeah. Love you. I love you more. And I mean that um why'd you guys break up did he talk to you while you were eating

bad joke um that is so true don't talk to me while I'm eating and actually don't ever talk to me I don't want to. I don't want to feel, I don't want to, I don't want to give off unapproachable or cold, but like there's a time.

I think it's insane. I will go to a subway with one of my friends. I will go to a subway with one of my friends. I'm thinking of two people right now or just out to eat, bro. Dude sits right in front of me in like a subway. I'm like, get the fuck over there, bro. What are we in love? Go literally eat at a different table i just what what are we gonna do fucking hold hands and light candles and i will like but just i didn't know it was this kind of like right in front of me bro when. When I'm eating, I need like minimum four feet circumference around me. Is that the word? But you know what I mean? I need like a, I need like,

I need like a very big hula hoop around me. Just don't know. Unless you're like on a date, you know what I mean? There's some different shit we're splitting apps but like dude if i'm like if we're just eating somewhere and we're like hungry go away i never when i'm really hungry i don't eat in public because it's like a crime scene it's a bloodbath but right you're just slowing me down she She's so right. She's so right. She's so right. On another episode of She's So Right. She's so right, right, right. I don't get people that eat slow either. I'm like, are you not excited?

Are you not hungry? Oh my God, let's go. Let's go all day. Let's go eat. Let's go eat. Let's go. Oh my God. Okay, we got to eat.

You're eating slow? Fuck off, dude. You're a liar. If you're not eating your food, like it's a competition and someone has a gun to the back of your head. One, you're not hungry. Two, you're not excited for what you're eating. I've never eaten slow. I could be eating a pile of slop. I'll take that out in one minute. Every time I eat i eat anything yo you killed that can you stop saying that because i'm gonna kill it every time crush i eat every food like joey chestnuts next to me and the clock's ticking and we're on espn not because i'm like showing off is Is that even a thing? I'm just

starving and I love eating. Every time I eat, starving. Dude, it's just so funny. The way you are when you're starving, it's just insane. You could literally rip the doors off a building because you're so hungry. And then think about being that hungry. Think about ripping doors off a Wendy's hungry. And then you eat your food slow. It just doesn't add up. Yep.

Do not speak. You can tell, too, when people are pissed off. Like I can imagine my dad eating at the table and me asking him a question and he kind of looking up like, can't you see I'm doing something? It's like when somebody talks to you while you're like on like texting someone and you're like thinking and they start talking. I'm like, bro, busy. Like, can you not tell that I'm like focusing? Dude, that's why when I'm on my phone in public, I have to like, I like get into a catcher squat, like in the corner of a Kohl's and I'm like, everybody fuck off. I got shit to do. Crazy. What's the other thing? Oh, another one. I hope I'm not like, I know this is complain gang,

but I hope I'm not being too much of a bitch when, uh, there's a loud noise happening and someone's talking to me or talking, you know, like when the sinks on and someone's talking to me, I'm like, can't hear one word. Can't hear one word. And you should know I can't hear one. This is too loud over here. I can't. and you should know I can't hear one. This is too loud over here. I can't. It happened the other day. I was like washing something. Girl I live with started talking to me, had to turn off the sink. She stopped talking when the sink turned off and I go, what'd you say? And it took her like, it took like five seconds for her to be like, oh, he can't hear. And then I turned the sink on again. Cause I thought she was,

she wasn't going to say anything. And then she starts talking again while the sink water is running. And I'm like, oh my God, turn it off. She stops talking again. I'm like, could our time, could our chemistry be more off right now? Or there's a helicopter, bro. If there's a helicopter and you're talking, I'm like, yeah, just give it a minute. Because like, dude, I don't know if I can't if i'm old like my just can you not so crazy bro people will just not even know oh my god thank god you said that

hey when i'm eating, no talkie. All heaven. Okay. I need everyone to pay very close attention. Yes. When you are driving down the road, public service announcement. I love this. The right hand lane is for the slow drivers. The left hand lane is for people who actually want to get there on time.

Please stay out of the left lane if you for people who actually want to get there on time please stay out of the left lane if you cannot drive the vehicle thank you and have a lovely day that was uh very professional because i can tell by the tone of her voice that she wanted to rip all of it kind of sound like they kind of sounded like that was directed at me a bit. I'm just saying I'm not too great at that. I'll get in the left lane and kind of forget what I'm doing a little bit. People in the left lane are on a mission to conquer the world, to conquer the world, world, world. People in the right lane were kind of just like, um, People in the right lane were kind of just like, I left early, so I'm on time.

And I'm kind of an IG driver right now. Not going to lie. Put your phone away when you drive, you fucking idiot. Well, sometimes there's a long stretch of road ahead of me, and I just want to see what's going on in the world. That's what the other lanes are for you. When you're in the left, you ever bossing it up in the left lane and proud of yourself. I'm not really a left lane driver. I don't, I know I don't give that vibe. I'm really, when I'm driving, it's kind of like, does he know what he's doing? Like if you're in the car with me and I'm driving, it's kind of like

we could die. We could, we could be going to arizona we could make it for sure but like we might hit a cow like it's just it's just it's it's a lot is going on i feel like when i'm driving and there's not a lot of faith but some people get in that left lane and they are fucking Jeff Gordon. Dude, sometimes I get locked in and I'm like, you know what? Whatever. And I put everything aside and I'm just Flash Gordon. Just calling shots on the highway. You're like doing this

your hand signals and shit hey you here you here you set a pick on that guy i'm rolling i'll see you i'll see you in the end zone big dog when i say end zone i mean the shell station because i want some gum that's a good feeling when you're bossed up in the, in the fast lane. You just feel like you command traffic. You're like, dude, I run these streets on the highway. You ever felt that on the highway? I run this bitch. You got a problem. You come to me. I'm leading the pack. You know, when the pigeons form the V I'm the point point man, get over it, it's my job, this is my job, you all elected me point pigeon,

so I'm gonna fly, it's a good feeling, it happens to me like once, probably a year, it's a good feeling. It happens to me like once, probably a year. But when you take control on the highway, bro, people know, people know, people know. Oh, that guy's a dog.

That guy's a point pigeon. Point pigeon, pigeon. Point pigeon. You can tell, bro, just the way by people drive. That's a fucking point man right there. Point guard. Yep.

Point pigeon energy. That's what she had during that voice message. What up, Benny Boo Boo? This one will be hitting different because I'm at that age where it's happening way too much. And don't get me wrong. Your boy, he's happy with his girl. But my PSA, no one cares about your wedding. I promise you. Two and a half weeks since I've married my best friend.

This one. Cool story. Tell it another 60,000 times for the next year. Thank you. Congratulations, by the way, because you just spent thousands of dollars to make an Instagram post and stories about it. You best believe my stupid ass is taking all that wedding money and I'm putting it down on what color Gatorade is going to be dumped on the coach for the Super Bowl. I love you, bro. Waterboard me into a fondue fountain, then smack my ass until temperature is played by Sean Paul and we can slow dance with your elderly grandmother to impress the bridesmaids.

Sean Paul, I want you to flow dance with your elderly grandmother to impress the bridesmaids. How did you know that I am listening to Sean Paul so much right now? Sean Paul, so my guests alone, to our girls. Whatever he says, I want him to narrate my life. Forget what I've said in the past. I used to want DJ Drama to narrate my life. Can you imagine that? Wake up on Thanksgiving. Mr. Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving. I want Sean Paul to narrate my life. Everything he says sounds good, but back to the point. Hey, weddings.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I do. And you know that. But this is how much I love you. Don't invite me. Just know, just know that I love you more than everyone there because I'm not going. I just cannot. I just, and the, we got married a year ago today. No one gives a shit. I can't think of another more selfish thing than having a wedding. Is it crazy? Am I, is, is my brain warped? Tell me for real. is is my brain warped tell me for real no one gives a shit about your relationship bro that's the last thing anyone cares about is your relationship and you're inviting what i just cannot and then you post a two years ago us okay i've talked about this before i think but dude when girls get proposed to and they get all like oh my god you didn't know you didn't know you didn't know you had no inkling oh we might get married. You've never talked about it.

It's just out of the blue. It's always this. Every time a girl gets married. Shut up. Oh, whoa. Big surprise out of nowhere. Did you see that coming? Uh-uh.

What? Who is this guy? Did they just meet? Shut up. Camera crew there. Crazy. Oh, there's a fucking camera woman following us through the woods for two and a half hours

and you propose? woman following us through the woods for two and a half hours and you propose like okay and then oh man i wish we could relive this day shut dude hey break hey hate to break it to everybody late breaking news breaking news news flash buddy no guy has ever wanted to get married even though he you, he's never really wanted to do it. That's just facts, dude. No guy. Oh my God. I can't wait to get. No, dude. No. A guy could have a girlfriend his whole life and just be okay with that. Yeah. Cool. We'll do it because like, that's how life is but like no guy is like you know i'm getting married today motherfucker

us a year ago a guy posting that that's never happened in the history of instagram you're so right you're so on another episode of you're so right last one yeah so this is a psa not to the world i'm a pretty simple man uh but to my work office so i work with probably like 150 uh or so people and like 99 of them are are women um my office is right next to the bathroom So I I've heard All of you pee Oh yeah Every single one of you I've heard it

I'm sorry, not sure what I can do with that situation But you know It is what it is Sometimes you just gotta Take the good with the bad Kinda like scoring 85 points with Jeff Foster in NBA Live 2009. Love you. Dude.

Wait, wait, wait. But what was the PSA? I heard all of you pee. Public service announcement. I've heard everyone at my work pee that's pretty funny though you ever just like see a guy going to the bathroom and you're like all right let's see how much uh see how much power you got today jerry how's that pee power looking hmm weak stream or nah before they go in the bathroom to start like taunting them and shit I gotta pee so bad yeah we'll

see get your ass in there if I don't hear what that boo boo do you're fired girls pee on a different level than guys though and it's always amazed me always been around girls and lived with girls but uh the way you guys pee is just amazing to me just right when I'm like, okay. Floodgates open. Dude, girls do not hold back when it's time to pee.

Wow, so violent. I'm like, anyway, you just drink a two liter of sierra mist i'm assuming just a waterfall dudes dudes haven't made when it's time to pee we just fucking whip it out and just pee on a wall. Nothing better. But once you get us to aim, it's a little tough. Little tough. All right, that's it.

Unless there's one more. Is there one more? There's not. Okay, let's keep going damn i forgot it i gotta go get it but first dear diary dear diary uh i did drunk spelling bee actually i don't want to talk about this one i don't want to talk about this one a time big time cringe moment so

I'm in eighth grade everybody is going somewhere for spring break I'm not allowed to go anywhere you want to come with me and my friends we're going to Fort Myers I'm like yeah right there's not a chance in the world my parents friends? We're going to Fort Myers. I'm like, yeah, right. There's not a chance in the world. My parents are going to let me go to Fort Myers with you and your family. It sounds like way too much fun. My parents didn't let me do anything fun.

I couldn't even have like Scooby-Doo fruit snacks because they were too much fun. And you're asking me if I can go to Florida with you and your fam for a week? I'm 13. Ain't no way, bro. No chance. Everybody's going somewhere for spring break. And I mean, everybody, even like the, the like nerdy girls are going to like Tampa. I'm like, fuck what? Everybody's going. I'm just going to stay my ass at home on spring break no so my uncle lives in Orlando and I'm like oh I wonder if my dad would take me there and some weird shit but dad's like no I'm like I don't want to feel left out. It's like the day before spring break. I'm like,

I'm going to Orlando to my uncle's. Yeah. Probably going to go see a magic game. Like I'm making up all this shit. Might go to Disney. Like tell it, just gassing it up, dude. Gonna have the best spring break ever. What am I doing? Stay in my ass in Indianapolis. And I'm an idiot. And I'm like, fuck, I realized this halfway through spring break. I'm like, dude, I'm going to have to be tan when I come back to school. C-c-c-cringe moment of the week. So the Sunday before we return from spring break, I'm begging my mom to take me to the tanning bed. She won't let me because I'm like 12 years old. I'm like, I got to get tan like now because I had to break it to her. You know, you know, when you lie and then you got to tell someone you're

lying. They're like, wow, dude, you're dumb. I had to tell my mom that I lied to my whole school and friends that I was going to floor on spring break. What I do the whole time. I just watched music videos on TV in the living room for a whole week in Indiana. So I'm like, yo, I got to get, I need to be tan tomorrow. I have to go to the tanning bed. She's like, no, you're 12 years old. You're going to get cancer or something like, just shut up. You can't go to the tan. I'm not taking you to the tan but that's when your mom had to take you places and i was like she's like i'll tell you what i'll do though and i was like what you'll do something she was like you can buy this self tanner from cvs with your money i'll take you there dude this self tanner was like 10 bucks. I just put the

whole bottle on me the night before we went back to school. Just my back, my fucking face, dude. I look like that meme of that guy. That's like way too tan. Pretty much just me right now. Just buttered up every part of my body, the whole entire bottle and then just I think I slept on the floor because I didn't want to like smear it or smudge it for the next day at school oh my god it was so obvious my hands my hands were so bad it looked like I had those gloves on where the palms are a different color. You know what I'm talking about? Like it was, and I just ran with it. Yeah, it was crazy. Saw Tracy McGrady. Cringe moment of the week when I realized I didn't know how to lie anymore.

dear diary um i was at my mom's in orlando this past weekend orlando that's all he talks about and she gave me a water bottle she's like you want to water my apartment complex has waters i'm like yeah i want water i never really want to water but you're like i i never ever wanted a water i'm always just like i should drink one've never ever wanted a water. I'm always just like, I should drink one. You know, there's not been one second where I'm like, do you have any a bottled water in here? I've never said that. Never thought that even when somebody offers me a bottled water, it looks like a chore. It looks like they're handing me a chore. I'm like, fuck, you know what? I should though. She hands it to me. I take a sip. I'm like, this is pretty good. she hands it to me. I take a sip. I'm like, this is pretty good. What is this? I go, Oh, Niagara Falls, Niagara Falls. She goes, Hey, that's Niagara.

Never forget. Never forget. Um, God, you know what? You know what I need to do? Uh, I need to go get this real quick. Never forget. God, you know what? You know what I need to do? I need to go get this real quick. I have to. On the gang. BRB.

Okay, okay, okay, okay. Show and tell, tell, tell. Show and tell. This might seem ridiculous, but I'm going to bring it up one more time. I was in Orlando and dude, I don't know. Everyone in Orlando is wearing a knee brace no matter what. I thought Indiana was bad. God, I'm out of breath. Everybody. I went to a Walmart, a hundred people in the Walmart, 98 people had a knee brace on promise. And when I got there, my knee started hurting. I was like, what? And I was like, kind of like, I don't know if I can, like,

something's going to happen. I don't want to tear my meniscus on stage. Wear my meniscus on stage. Bro, so I'm in Walmart and I'm like, I got to get a knee brace. I go to the knee brace aisle. First of all, very easy to find because there's a line of 14 people waiting to look through the knee braces. I slap this puppy on

under my pants. Crazy move if you put it outside of your pants, crazy move, insane move. And this was, this is what started the knee brace movement. It's like, I'm holding up a, like a villain's mask. It's like, I'm holding up like a villain's mask. It's like I'm holding up the head of like the leader of an army, the Girl Scout troop leader. This is her head. Bro, this thing saved, I've never felt better. It started the knee brace movement. I went to Disney World. I hope you didn't, I hope you saw the video, dude. Everybody, it's the only thing. Am I crazy for... I went to Disney World. The only thing I looked at were people's knee braces. God damn, they're so ugly. How can

you... Dude, I'd rather have no kneecaps. I'd rather have ears on my knees than wear a knee brace. And people are just out there, double brace, copper sleeved. They got a whole mechanism on their knee. Crazy. I'd rather have 14 dicks on my both knees. What the? Then have a knee brace on. It's my logic, but I could not stop. Dude, I took a video of every knee brace at Disney World and I put a video on the internet. It went viral. Just a video of people's knee braces. And the thing is, there was about 72 videos that I didn't include. I think I got everybody's knee brace at Disney World on February 29th. I don't know if that was the day,

but if you were in an e-brace at Disney world on February 29th, I have a video of you. Um, skip gone. Two days, days of the week today. two days, days of the week today, flapjack day. Here's the thing. Here's the thing. Um,

I just don't crave pancakes anymore. I don't know what it is about me. I don't know. Have I outgrown them? I think I ate too many when I was a kid. I just, what is, it's the same with pasta now too. Did I eat it too much when I was a kid? Where's the benefit? I need to be, I need benefits at all times at my age. A hundred percent of the time I need to be benefiting all the time. Pancakes are going to destroy my system for at least 48 hours. It's because you're old. Just say it. No, but they did when I was a kid too. I just ate. I just made the mistake more and they just, I don't, and they smell like syrup all day. I feel bloated all day. They're weighing me down. How do you eat them for breakfast? All right, let's start the day. Three pancakes, eat some and then goes and does things. Nah, bro. I eat a pancake. I'm out for the count. If I eat three pancakes,

eat three pancakes. There's a fucking, there's a, there's a, a guy in a boxing ring count one or 10, nine, eight. And I'm deciding whether I want to do something for the rest of the day in those 10 seconds. Oh, should I? I'm on the ropes, dude. Seven, six, you better get up. You want, we're going to count this. We're going to end this fight. Three, two, I'm out. I'm laying on the ground and Jake Paul's winning that fight because I'm not getting back up. I just can't do it. Can't do it. I think that's why I stopped. It might be a me thing because I haven't eaten.

I've never been like breakfast. I have to have breakfast. I'm like, I don't know. Once like 11 or noon rolls around, I'll be hungry. But like I am not. Maybe because that's, maybe because it's because I eat so much at night. Probably. Friday. Proofreading day. Remember that pain? Remember your teacher? Proofread it. Oh, how about, hey, how about this? Okay. You write the paper over the subject in class assignment,

right? Three paragraphs on this thing, this subject it's zebras. It's how zebras your first, um, experience with the zebra. Okay. Write it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Now give that to your neighbor and have them proofread it. I'm like, this is fucking, this is information that no one else needs to see. I put my heart and soul into that three paragraphs about a zebra that I met one time at the zoo. It had things about my family, my personal life. I named the zebra Abigail. What the, and I called her Abby for the rest of the day. Like these are the, this is my, and now I'm just, here you go. Do people that can just do that. I, I commend you people that can just share personal information.

Like it's nothing me having a whole podcast doing that, but okay now pass that to your neighbor they're gonna they're gonna fix all your mistakes and we're gonna make it perfect i'm like this is for you and your teach hey teacher you're lucky you get to see this story little now now old fucking calvin next to me that can't even hold a pen right is reading it what do you think this what do we do what kind of are you work for the girl scouts what kind of shit is this this is so embarrassing in fourth grade like okay i guess you can read all my weird thoughts how about when you get somebody else's paper that I'm like, damn, I don't want to read this at all. They're so did they're like, I went and I saw a zebra on the side of the road

on my way home from school. I'm like, that was a horse. You jackass. Whatever. That was so embarrassing though. That's way more embarrassing than popcorn reading. Popcorn reading, remember that? That hit the streets. Happened for me around like fifth grade. We're going to play popcorn today. Go around the room and read, which is already like, holy shit, reading out loud.

But just during your reading out loud, you're fucking... Yeah, and that's when Christopher Columbus found the continent, the North American continent, Popcorn Chad, and you just fucking call him out. That's tough. Reading out loud was so tough because you couldn't read your paragraph or wherever. When you go around the room and read, usually you know where you are and you read your paragraph ahead ahead of time and you like smooth out the strokes in there. Because you're going to stroke out when reading out loud at least twice and you're going to laugh at yourself.

Say Christopher Columbus and you're like, did I just say Columbus? Columbus. And you correct yourself. You're going to do that at least three times. But with popcorn. That one's on you, big dog. You just got to stay locked in. But the most more embarrassing than popcorn was proofread my three paragraphs. Insane. Insane. Saturday, crab meat day. There was a time, there was a time where I was putting down imitation crab meat.

We all go through our phases. I go through a lot of food phases. And for like two weeks, I was just putting imitation crab meat in a skillet and going hard. Like I was at the most famous seafood restaurant in the world. Dude, the fact that it's just imitation. And I still bought it every single day, every day, just knowing that it had nothing to do with a crab. I don't know. I don't know. Sunday. Pack your lunch day. had enough of that pack your lunch kids hit different though we do we know we get it a little more we get it you talking to a kid that just got hot lunch every day his whole life like he's a little he's kind of a brat you know he's a little entitled sure sure go ahead but your parents can afford that amazing

amazing pack your kids lunch if you're listening to this podcast pack your goddamn kids lunch i don't know if you're even gonna have people that listen to this podcast probably aren't going to have kids or you already had kids and it was kind of a mistake, which is fine. Pack that motherfuckers lunch. It just builds some character, you know, it does not because there, it means you're poor. It's just like, it's a different, it's a different look. Oh, you brought your, you brought your lunch. All right. What's the story? I always want to get down to it. Like, what's going on? What's going on at home? You see somebody at the lunchbox? What's going on at home? Huh? How's everything under the roof? Everybody agreeing on everything? What's going on here? People that bought their lunch lunch they had a happy family

if you if you were bringing a brown sack to school that might break open at any second there are some arguments that you overheard at the house that you'll remember forever. That's what packing your lunch is. That bag is full of is full of disagreements. Problems. Hot lunch? Take your happy ass through the line, get your nachos, sit down,

and don't worry about a goddamn thing. Pack your lunch, kid? Bro, he's getting his ass smacked when he gets home for I don't even know why. Because you left your socks out. You left the light on. Guess what? That's pack your lunch, kid. Totally different vibe. And the pack your lunch, kid. He sits down first. Pack your lunch, kid. He sits down first. Pack your lunch, kid sets the tone for the table. Lunchtime. Let's go get your shit. Got my, got my brown bag. Everybody else is going to get their lunch and waiting in line. I'm the anchor at the table. Now this is my show. This is my red apple. This is my Capri sun. This is my peanut butter and jelly. This is my red apple. This is my Capri Sun. This is my peanut butter and jelly.

This is my bag of goldfish. This is my show. And now you sit at my table. I'm the captain now. I'm the king. I might sit at the end. I might ask you for your best chip because you're in my house, grandma. Come take a seat. That's how it goes when you pack your lunch, bro. You're setting the tone, bro. And you might have some weird lunch kids that, oh, I mean, he's already sitting there. Let's sit by him.

You might make some friends unintentionally. Kid with the weird leg is always first for lunch. Where is he going to sit at the end of the table? No, he's sitting by you, bro. You're already sitting down. You were first. He's sliding right next to you. Now you're best friends with weird leg kid.

Don't get too friendly because weird leg kid is going to invite you over now because he thinks you guys are best friends. See, that's where you learn how to talk to people. Pack your lunch, kid, is different. I'm just saying pack your kids lunch and don't leave a note in there either. That's some bullshit. Have a good day, Johnny. Have a good day. You forgot to put lunch meat on my sandwich. Have a good day. You already put me in the worst position ever to have a good day. Have a good day. You want me to have a good day? Give me $2.30 so I can have hot lunch.

XOXO. No. XOX no, mom. I want chicken nuggies. I want turkey Manhattan. I want what the cool kids are having. Don't leave a note. But pack that lunch and smack it against the wall before you give it to your kid.

So he has one of those peanut butter and jellies with the stamp on it. You ever get one of those, bro? That's how you know you're real. The realest kids growing up had a peanut butter and jelly with a fucking fist in it. You're like, damn, this shit. Oh, I'm hungry. You just eat that smash peanut butter and jelly. You can see the jam through it. Oh, it's stiff. It's stiff. How long long we been going? Dear Lord. We gotta get out of here. Hey, I love you guys for real.

Sick voice messages. Hall of Fame worthy. We had some nominees. All of them are fire. Great question. Brought to you by the fam. Mayo, Maine. If you ever got an espresso question of the week,

send it to me. Because we'll do it. We'll do it. We do this for us. This is our family. This is our podcast. We are the Complain Gang. Get your merch.

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And, remember to tell everybody your number one rule and that rule is kiss me every day all right fam love you peace see you next time