Espresso - what's the scariest thing ever happened to you?
Episode Date: October 31, 2024⭐️Leave a Rating + Review🔓support benny and get every other pod + weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi📺 watch on Youtube on this pod benny reacts ...to the scariest stuff you guys experienced (like being mugged and hijacked on the same day)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/San Diego - Nov 7 https://www.micdropcomedy.com/shows/264571Buffalo - Nov 14 https://buffalo.heliumcomedy.com/shows/254521Phoenix - Dec 5 https://www.micdropmania.com/shows/264572Sacramento - Dec 15 https://concerts.livenation.com/we-own-the-laughs-in-the-sacramento-california-12-15-2024/event/1C006131DC6A4508?_gl=1*zvzgd5*_gcl_au*MTk0MzQ4MTA5NC4xNzI5MjMzNzgy&_ga=2.252934153.1611751562.1729233782-1846946392.1729233782💕 WATCH BENNY on LOVERS and LIARS ON CW APP🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/
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I'm like stepping off the court after the game and uh dude comes up to me and I'm like
god you know he's gonna give me shit you know make fun of me whatever
he just comes up and says uh station nobody shut the fuck up
thanks for making me wiser oh this thing's on espresso podcast shot 339 i'm your girlfriend
benny who's dressed up like a dog right now because that's all i've wanted to be my entire
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And we do,
we got to get to the question.
We got voice messages
and we got to get cooking.
What's the scariest thing
that's ever happened to you?
What's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you? What's the scariest thing
that's ever happened to you?
I'm feeling kind of lonely.
On top of that, I'm kind of horny.
And I gotta get
back to her.
Oh my god.
Because I'm feeling tipsy.
Oh, sorry. This thing's on.
T-Pain was horny.
Jesus.
Who just says that in a song?
I'm feeling kind of horny.
We get it.
T-Pain, you're sprung.
And we just listened to it in our mom's car while she was in there.
So scariest moment.
I don't know.
This isn't really scary, but it just creeped me
out at a very, at a young age, I guess. Um, early twenties went to a wedding, went to a fellow
teacher's wedding, um, that I teach with and somebody in her husband's, uh, what do you call
it? A groomsman, I guess, wanted to be introduced to me. So I got introduced to him. We literally
exchanged names. That was the extent of our conversation. He was like the life of the
wedding. That's all I remember. So like he had to have been like somewhat normal, right?
Wrong. Um, then, Oh, that's an accident. Okay. Yep. Sorry. Almost just went as an accident.
ADHD podcast. Um, so the next, the next week i'm teaching and i get
flowers like who could these be from um i actually had a boyfriend at the time which is crazy
because this guy knew that i had a boyfriend and he sent me flowers with this like crazy
romeo and juliet poem and i was like oh my god they're from my boyfriend like so nice
wrong again they were from this guy to the school i just met and i was like oh my god they're from my boyfriend like so nice whoa wrong again they were
from this guy to this school I just met and I was like that's weird like he knows I have a boyfriend
and like this is an aggressive move with a Romeo and Juliet style poem like creepy the next day I
get a box sent and now my students are like fully invested they're like is this from the same guy
I'm like yeah I think so so I opened the box and there's two,
picture like the glass Coke bottles, right?
It's like that without the Coke label.
Two of those with scrolls inside.
So letters in a bottle, right?
Hand melted wax is covering the top of both of the bottles.
So I have to like dig the wax off.
I'm like scraping the wax off
peeling it off with my hands my students are fully they're like what is going on I'm like I
don't know guys I see I see burnt edge scroll paper inside and I see some type of like calligraphy
what's going on hold on part two is this Mr. Steal your girl
Did you get a letter from
M-S-Y-G
So I actually
Have to go find the scrolls because I keep trying
To impersonate the scrolls and I'm doing a terrible
Job I just need to go find them give me
Like four days hold on seriously I'm gonna find them
I kept them four days stay on here
For four days probably would oh my god
I found them there's three. Stay on here for four days. Probably would. Oh my God. I found them.
There's three.
There's three.
Yes. Princess, my name.
I script to thee in an audacious manner with knowledge that the odds areth against me.
My sword is strong with poise.
Disgusting.
My sword is strong with poise as I press this ink to the papel.
My libretto is eternal.
When I contemplate thou in my mindeth, if thou wilt forgiveth me, I musteth ask, wherefore
thy been?
Tis been too long since I have gazed upon thy fair face.
Thy phoneth and thy voicemaileth must be out of order, for I heard a silence for
thee in many moons. This shan't shyeth my enthusiasm to conquereth thee. I find myself
pondering the momenteth I get to heareth thy breath, thy laugh, thy soul. So if thy phone is used,
is cursed by black magic,
then I will use this.
I will use the way of ponieth,
expresseth, expresseth.
Knees go on.
Do you hear them?
I gotta go. Knees go on and on and on.
Three pages.
Enjoy.
What the f...
Hey, it's always
the people that your friends try to hook
you up with. Why?
Hey,
guys at weddings,
guys at weddings that are single,
desperate moves.
Big time
has a... She has a man man and you're just sending coke bottle
scrolls pretty bold though committed to the bit he is a pirate
i mean it's always the people that are like you'd be great you you two would be great has that ever
worked out ever when somebody's like i think you'd
really like them and you see them and they're like hey my name's gretchen why do they why is it always
a hundred percent zero out of ten every time somebody tries to match make you
dude that is so that the fact that i wonder what your like students said your students were probably
like yo you better teach somewhere else because bro's about to come in here and
oh at least hey thank god you didn't give him your apartment address homie would have
showed up with a parrot on his shoulder let's keep going hey girl hey how you be
um i have a few scary moments but the most recent one was I was at home by myself and I had the radio on like the actual radio.
No, not the radio.
With the dial thing, like you turn a little dial and it had been playing all day long on this one radio station.
And then like right when I laid down to go to sleep, it like went quiet and then a whole nother radio station came on.
So I was like, OK okay I was home by myself so then I got up and I went to turn it back to what I was listening to
and then I went back to bed and laid down and like 10 minutes later it done the same thing
so I got up again and it was turned to a totally different radio station. I can't. So I just cut that off and I just played like nighttime nature sounds on my phone.
I can't.
Gotta have some type of noise, bro.
You still work.
I can't.
I'm scared of everything.
Actually.
At night, I might be so tired that I'm not scared anymore.
I'm so excited to go to sleep that I don't know if I could get scared anymore.
I never understood that when my parents,
I was so scared as a kid and my parents would be like,
you're good.
I'd be like, you're not scared either?
It's because they wanted to go to bed so bad.
I want to go to bed so bad, I don't think anything can scare me anymore.
I will hear a guy climbing up my balcony,
sitting on the porch,
and I might be like,
just give me 10 more minutes, dog.
But if I'm up, if I'm up, up,
if I got to stay up and i'm scared
it can be anything dude i if i if i see a chair
i'll my brain will make it scary the amount of times i've been scared on this podcast actually
kind of scared right now yeah but when it comes like radio stuff bro i i can't even
it's all because of that one scene in the is it insidious
it might be insidious where a cd player starts playing all of a sudden and it's that weird
i can't listen to that song anymore without actually throwing up but
you catch me scared in the daytime i'm done baby's done i'm gonna try to not talk super loud
um again because it seems like every time i i call in it seems about it i'm so sorry because i'm
probably hurting your earbuds so it's probably my fault hilarious to me because that is that
it's not me when you when you meet me in person um so this is one of my scariest moments which
it was this this was actually a pretty hard question and this may be a two-part um voice message but we got time today in 2016
i was like about like 26 my family and then my godmother uh my uncle and my two cousins
went on a family vacation to puntacana and we stayed at this this resort and we decided
one day to do like this excursion to this like park zoo place that's called
excurate I think it was um so this is an excursion so we're only there for like maybe a couple of
hours or whatever and they're taking us on a tour around the park and so me and my mom were like the last two in the group and so we're about to go over this bridge
and i like i turned back and i don't see my mom anywhere oh like she's gone okay and so i run out
to like my godmother who's like the closest one and i'm like i don't know where my mom went
and so we start backtracking to see if like we can find her and she's nowhere in sight
so what ends up happening is like we stop the tour and we it's me my godmother and my two cousins and
my brother are sitting on this bench while and waiting while my dad and my uncle try to go find
where the hell my mom went no the way i would cry so we're sitting there and we're we're in you know
kundakana so like there's iguanas um so we're just we're just sitting there and like i'm scared
shitless that my mom's gonna end up staying in the dominican republic and she's never gonna get home
and all of a sudden we're just sitting there like waiting and then this like huge iguana
starts coming towards us and what happens is my godmother decides to sprint in the opposite
direction leaving me my brother and my two cousins there by ourselves and i'm over there like there's
a huge iguana that is now scared shitless and like... Name a creepier
animal, honestly.
And iguanas,
they're always acting like they're not doing
anything, but you know they're gonna.
An iguana in a tree
randomly?
Okay, so
I got cut off, so this is part two to my
story, but
so, you know's there's a
saguan charging towards us my my godmother sprinted in the opposite direction i'm there
and like i'm the oldest so you know i gotta i gotta sacrifice myself so i'm like shielding
my brother and my two cousins and trying to defend against this huge iguana um which is again now spooked because
my godmother just fucking ran in the opposite direction you gotta throw a rock at it right so
i'm like i don't i don't know i might die here i might die here today by by an iguana um
how'd she die but luckily the iguana got so spooked that it started
going in the opposite direction and then my godmother comes back and i'm like what the hell
did you just do why did you just leave us here to fend for ourselves smart anyways so after that
happened about like 10 minutes later my dad and my uncle come up with my mom and my mom is
sobbing in tears and she's like so happy to like finally that she found us and let me tell you
she has never lived that down to this day and every time we go on vacation we always make sure
that somebody is near this woman
so she does not get lost because apparently she got lost
because she was taking pictures.
That's why she got lost and she didn't realize where everybody went.
So that was one of my scariest moments, and it's also kind of a funny story.
Is there a more helpless feeling than being lost somewhere?
You know, just for one one second you take your eyes
off of them every time dude i think half of my childhood i was lost at a store you ever do it now
you lose somebody now at an airport you're like whoa there's no way i just
i want to almost cry and then i'm like how are you not looking at your phone right now?
Like you,
we lost each other.
You should have,
your phone should be like this.
And they're not picking up.
I'm like,
yo,
never been more worried with my luck,
dude.
I would lose my mom in a forest with an iguana and she would come back
acting like a completely different mom.
Hey guys. an iguana and she would come back acting like a completely different mom hey guys no i was here the whole time
let's continue the trip and she's just a weird mom for the rest of your life
but iguanas bro throwing the iguana into that mix of losing your mom might have made it better.
Where's mom?
Oh, my God.
Oh, there's an iguana.
It's going to kill.
Oh, there's mom.
Like, it kind of like kind of helped the situation a little bit.
I think that was me testing the voice message.
Yeah, it was.
Hey, how do you test to see if a voice message works
whoops that was the iguana okay so this is um this is the the scariest thing that has ever
happened to me when i was 18 years old i had a couple friends talk me into taking acid and i
always thought acid was like just a drug that was not for me. Like,
I don't know. I just, just something I knew I was. So it was like, acid sounds scary. Not for me.
Anyways, I was just in a weird point in my life. I had just gotten, I just moved out of my parents'
house. And, and anyways, I wasn't feeling that, that hot. And my friend was like, take this,
you know, best version of herself. So I ended up taking it. I didn't have like a bad trip, but I
just, just wanted it to be over. Like, just like violently masturbating, like, you know, until,
you know, the sun comes up. And then, uh, I ended up, I was working at McDonald's at the time I
went and I went to my McDonald's job, had a pretty good day. You know, I went on no sleep. And then after work, I go back home, I crash out,
I wake up and everything doesn't look real anymore. Everything looks fake. And I look in the
mirror and I don't look real anymore. And I look at my roommate and he doesn't look real anymore.
My parents don't look real anymore. And I found out I had gotten this condition called depersonalization disorder and it is the scariest
thing I do not wish it on anybody it's literal hell on earth you just don't feel like you're
yourself or you're a real human being anymore or that you have a soul it was the scariest
thing ever and I had to go through that for almost 10 years.
What?
But I don't regret it because it may be the person I am today
and anxiety can kiss my fucking age.
All right, thanks, Ben. Bye.
10 years?
Is he messing around? I thought he was going to say 10 years. Is he messing around?
I thought he was going to say 10 minutes.
Hey, that happens to me every time I...
That's me when I look in the mirror in the morning.
That's me every time I smoke, honestly.
Depersonalization.
Anytime I do anything that's a little bit bad,
I'm like, can I go back to normal?
Please, immediately goes to sleep.
Smokes once, has no idea where his personality went.
10 years later, still has no idea.
Dude, hey, actually,
me, when I uh to smoke um god what is it called spice
from the marathon gas station when i was a sophomore in high school
don't know what that was but
i went back i could see subtitles when people
were talking and I went back in time
and figured out everything about the dinosaurs
I was like what
every time I do
anything I'm like can I just go
back to normal I'm never going to be normal again
anytime I do anything
someone's smoking
and I walk by them i'm like
i'm gonna be like this forever bro 10 years can someone look into that depersonalization
let's keep going so we used to go to the outer hebrides we'll still do it since a chain of islands off the
west coast of scotland it's really really remote there's not much there mostly single track roads
and beaches for days i'm so sorry i didn't mean to cough but i'm not deleting this now
anyway my dad decided he wanted to try and catch rabbits so he goes over to a field that had cows
in it and a lot of calves didn't realize there was a bull in the
field and it started going like getting a wee bit huffy like doing that thing where they kind of
snort coming towards us my dad's like yeah let's just back away slowly so we go over to the other
side of this little dirt track and then by this, it's starting to run and go absolutely crazy.
The noise coming out of this animal was ridiculous.
And it started thrashing against the fence.
It wasn't exactly a big fence.
It wasn't going to keep a bull contained for very long.
So we absolutely legged it.
My dad threw us over a couple of fences
and just kept telling us to run and run and run.
And then eventually we had to just lie down
this bull was still going absolutely tonto in the background this is um a nightmare yeah genuinely
the most terrifying moment of my life and i have a fear of bulls even that was like 20 years ago
and i'm still terrified of bulls um yeah my mom and dad think it's absolutely hilarious. I don't.
Like, I know exactly where Mafia
came from and it was his fault because
he's a big man child.
But yeah.
Yo.
Let me get this
straight. So a bull was chasing her?
Is that what we're saying hey what about the
guy the toro guys with the red flags is that a real thing or is that something from my childhood
that's completely fake do those guys exist and why are they doing that
bro that's every that's every nightmare I have.
A bull chasing me in a field.
I just got this whole entire picture painted.
Bull chasing me in a field, and every time I turn around, it's closer.
A bull?
Didn't realize there was a bull in the field, and it started going. She's saying bull, right?
Like getting a wee bit huffy, like doing that thing where they kind of snort.
Huffy.
What's he sound like when you sleep next to him?
Huffy.
Hey there, espresso hotline.
So I'm originally from one of the most dangerous cities in the world,
Johannesburg in South Africa.
Greenwood, Indiana.
When I was about 11 or 12,
I was with my mom at a place
called the Bird Sanctuary. And it was a beautiful green area with like little waterfalls and it was
supposed to be peaceful. It was obviously funded by the municipality. It was a great place. And my
mom and I went there for a picnic uh she was going to read her
book and i was playing with something dolls or whatever and already scary already scared around
and a man comes and puts his hands over her in my mouth no let's to be quiet no it was a No. So that happened. Got mugged in a bird sanctuary. And I shit you not, excuse my language.
Not a couple hours later, I was at a public pool with my dad. And on our way out, we were hijacked.
Some guy came and took his BMW. I can't remember the make or model.
But yeah, getting mugged and hijacked twice in one day.
One day? Just the typical life of your average Johannesburg South African.
Have a good one, guys.
Baby girl, you got to move.
That's sad.
You and your mom?
Screwdriver?
Hey, why is it scarier than a knife?
Come on.
Come on.
Why is it?
How and why is a screwdriver?
When somebody pulls out a screwdriver, why is it scarier than a knife?
Bro, I'm so white.
Why is the most terrifying thing that's ever happened to me is when i
pulled my hamstring when i was a freshman in college
and i had to get red shirted i got nothing on that story
ever been robbed no the closest thing i've ever been to being robbed was when me and my friends
were downstairs and we heard the the window of the upstairs window glass break and we were like
oh my god someone's breaking in my neighbor shot an a laser through my window and i thought i was getting sniped
just the widest i was literally i was standing on the stairs and there's a red dot on my chest
and my friend goes,
and I was like, what?
He goes, get down!
Dude, me and my friends stayed on the ground
for three hours till my mom got home.
It was just my neighbor shining a laser in our house.
You know how much fun he was having?
Watching us freak out
dude i called my mom on the ground like somebody was gonna shoot up our house it was a kid with
the laser twice in one day is amazing the scariest thing that ever happened to me was i mean there's like a lot of horror stories but
one of the first ones that come to mind is when i got pregnant after cheating on my boyfriend
yeah how come how come one time i can remember that's so great that is honestly that's what
hey i'd rather get robbed and hijacked a thousand times before that getting someone
pregnant that you're not even with uh biggest fear in the world um
yeah how come how come one time i was in the elevator dude comes
rushing into the elevator at my old apartment sweating
kind of crying and like it took it because when i'm in the elevator bro i don't talk to anybody
i'm i'm in such a bad mood and i'm in the elevator. I don't know why, but you want to take the wind out of my sail? Get in the elevator with me.
I'm like, bro.
It's for no reason.
I'm just like, let's just get to my floor.
I'm not saying anything.
But it was like, it was kind of late at night.
And I looked at him and I was like, honestly, I was like, dude, are you good?
And he goes, bro, I just threw up.
I was like, I think you just got shot or something like what
what happened he goes my girlfriend said she's pregnant
dude i just in the elevator this dude's next to me sweating and crying i just got my girlfriend
pregnant i was like that's why you threw up.
He goes, yeah, bro.
It was just so weird to me.
Why is that kind of relatable?
I feel you.
Another terrifying moment in the elevator.
I'm in my apartment waiting for the elevator.
Random dude knocks at our front door
of our apartment and he goes like this to me. And I was like, I don't know. I can't really see this
guy. I don't know. I wanted to be nice. I was like, maybe I know him. And I'm like being rude
if I don't like go over there. I let him in. Don't know him. I'm like, oh, oh God. You know,
that feeling when you let somebody that's not supposed to be in your apartment, in your
apartment, you're like, well, this whole place blows up really sorry everybody's just trying to be nice like i don't
know anything can happen and i've done it so many times on accident um comes in the apartment and
i'm like oh god gets off at whatever floor and i'm like i just forget about it just go about my night
i look outside 10 minutes later maybe 12 cop cars at my apartment and i'm like, I just forget about it. Just go about my night. I look outside 10 minutes later,
maybe 12 cop cars at my apartment.
And I'm like, okay, I just killed somebody
and it's all my fault.
I go in the, because I'm like worried now.
I'm like, bro, I'm going to jail.
And I like fake go in the elevator.
Like I'm about to go check my mail because I was like
what is actually happening there's seven
cops in the elevator
and it's like the
energy is not good
and they're like we're going up to floor four
like I can
hear them on their walkie talkies and shit I
fake get my mail go up the elevator and
I just I just go back in my room and i don't i don't do anything for the rest of the night lock the door
someone was carried out i should probably shouldn't be talking about this there's an ambulance
someone was carried out uh whoever that was my bad dog i was just trying to let a homie in like i don't know
yo so i'm playing a game of pickup basketball in like carmel or something in like 2012
and uh out of nowhere like a few fucking d1 guys show up and just start running the court and i'm
like oh shit you know i'm i'm not that. So I'm just trying to hold my own.
Well, of course, I get, you know, one of my teammates gets blown by.
I have to come over on help side defense.
And like this seven-foot center who used to play for Purdue comes down the lane
and just fucking yams it all over me.
The dude's dick like hits me in the forehead when he dunks it.
That was the scariest shit I've ever been through in my life.
That'll haunt you for the rest of your life that's a bad one you know what's worse though
when you're uh the senior
like assistant for the freshman pe class and all the freshmen think you're cool and you're the senior and you uh try to dunk it in front of them
and you slip and kind of tear your mcl not that i did that or anything or that happened to me but
similar bro it is a feeling when you get dunked on it is a feeling of like all right that it
really did just happen to me didn't it i've been dunked on probably three times um all by people younger than me also sorry i forgot the ending of the story so i
i get dunked on and you know some people are laughing and shit and uh i'm like stepping off
the court after the game and uh dude comes up to me and I'm like
god you know he's gonna give me shit you know make fun of me whatever
he just comes up and says uh station nobody shut the fuck up
station know about this i wish ain't no way you just pulled that out that's from these guys podcasts every tuesday me and
joey molinaro these these guys on youtube watch it one time when i was four years old i went to
the indianapolis zoo and i had I'm the youngest of five children.
So while my mom was helping other children get them back into the van, I was kind of playing in a little spot right next to it where there was a manhole and my leg fell.
No, no.
And I literally thought I was going to die. Um,
I didn't cause I didn't completely fall in the manhole, just my leg. So I did survive that. Um,
and I did get one free pass back to the zoo. Never though probably could have gotten my college paid for but uh i guess i'll take the free pass to the zoo dude why is that why is that my irrational fear every
i'm like no no no no no no no no every time i see a drain my dad told me he did the same thing
but you know those stories your dads tell you and you're like did it really happen but i was
like yeah one time i went to go chase down a ball in the street and my whole leg went into a sewer
the sewer cover wasn't on right my whole leg went down there did the splits i'm like i don't think
that ever happened i don't think so but you dude i ever since i heard that story i i will never i don't even ride my i didn't even
ride my bike over a manhole cover manhole cover can we change the name hey whoever named it a
manhole cover step forward i need to chop off your head manhole cover i would do the same thing god i would do the same thing i'm
such a bitch you do an elephant it could rip my limbs off and i could sue the zoo for 80 billion
dollars but if they offered me a free pass i'd be like i'll take the pass just
as long as i don't have to like fill out any paperwork god would dude if if something involves
paperwork or like calling a lawyer or going somewhere to like going to in front of a judge
i'm like you know what i'm good bro just give me free pass for a year. So dumb, but please don't.
I just don't want to do anything legal.
Nothing.
Scariest thing that's ever happened.
So I live in a van.
That's not the scary part.
I'm at ocean beach.
Back doors are open to the beach.
Oh no,
no,
no,
no,
no.
Lots of families,
people around the way I'm parked.
I'm a couple of feet from the barriers.
People can pass through.
I'm considerate.
And the space of the doors, the way my van is built,
the bed is not right to the end of the van, of course.
So probably seven, eight feet, I would guess.
Maybe even a little more, eight, nine.
I'm inside the van cooking lentils, minding my own business,
listening to Britney Spears, just having a beautiful day.
Not that innocent.
All of a sudden, there's this dirty man with a backpack full of I don't know what, but
it was full, stuff sticking out, and he is on my bed on all fours.
No!
This guy had to have jumped in the van.
There's no way that he could have fallen, as he quickly said that he did, as I quickly
moved and grabbed a firearm, America, and, uh,
you shoot him, told him to get out in so many words. It was terrifying. He got out. Thank
goodness for him and me, because I didn't want to have to, you know, get new drapes in the van
and have a mess to clean up in this whole thing. But, uh, yeah, it was absolutely terrifying,
terrifying. This man jumped into the back of my van. I don't know what his intentions were because I didn't
stop to chat and find out. I moved basically like Neo in the Matrix and immediately got the firearm
and the problem was over. But yeah, it's scary out there, folks. People just jumping into vans,
jumping into cars. I hope he learned his lesson.
Don't go jumping into vans that are blaring Britney Spears with pink rainbow curtains.
You never know what the fuck can happen.
Okay, who's not going in that van?
I mean, you're kind of setting it up.
You're kind of setting yourself up.
If I'm just a guy on a beach. On some castaway vibe.
And I see a van playing Britney Spears with pink drapes.
I'm going to come trick or treat.
What you got going on in here?
Can we get a van tour?
But honestly, when you said all fours, that kind of got me.
That gagged me.
All fours?
If he was just staring in your van, scary.
But on all fours on the bed?
Something about all fours.
Anytime anyone says all fours,
nothing good is going on.
On all fours! Ah!
Dude. dude living in a van down by the river though
you kind of got it
you kind of got it
you're kind of asking for it
you know
you know that could happen at any moment
can you shoot him next time alright let me take you back to a time
before smartphones
let's take him back there was
about a one to two year period
where I drove without
a smartphone I don't know how
it happened like
I just had to meet people like all right just take
the highway and then i'll meet you at like the dairy queen and if they didn't show up you just
like didn't know what to do it was it was so fucking weird well i was driving from kansas to ohio named two worst states i don't know and kind of best
like the whole way it's easy but i started noticing those signs were not saying i-70
at a certain point and no phone i knew i was completely lost. So I started flipping the fuck out.
I pulled over in a town.
It was like appropriately called like Nowheresville or like Hicksville or some dumb shit.
And I was like an hour or two hours north of I-70.
And I could backtrack and take like three to four more hours and use gas money i
probably didn't have or i could bust out like my road map no i had like one of those actual books
you have to map and i figured out all these back roads and like little state routes to take to make the best time but also get on i-70 and it was maybe the biggest
achievement of my life oh yeah you feel so good after you do some shit it was also the worst thing
to ever happen in my life
besides for my wife this guy what like honestly what did you even what did you even do
when before before you had i would be how do you know where to go before even map quest was confusing
Even MapQuest was confusing.
That is the duty.
You had to feel like such a boss after you figured that out.
You felt like you could do anything after that.
You felt like you could sail a ship after you figured that out.
On some manhole achievements,
you felt like a dog after you read a map.
Just like the most normal thing ever, kind of.
But not really.
I just can't imagine.
One time, I mean,
one time my phone died
when I was trying to,
uh,
go somewhere,
but I just went to a hotel and charge my phone in the lobby.
And I was like,
this is way easier than staying at a hotel.
I was just sleeping in the lobby with my phone charging.
I was like,
I don't know if this is legal or not.
Are you going to charge me?
Can I just give you like a hundred dollars for this?
And then I can just get back in my car.
don't know if this is legal or not you're gonna charge me can i just give you like a hundred dollars for this and then i can just get back in my car
bro there was a stretch like i drove from indiana to california one time in there there's a stretch
it's really weird that this there's there's not like uh they haven't updated this or anything
but there's like i think there's 16 hours of nothing
like i don't know where it's like in nevada nevada maybe
but there's a stretch like you got to get gas at this place or you're running out of gas i was like
what that might have been one of the scariest trips i've ever taken in my life
driving across the country and there's actually nothing like there's a lot like i thought every
place in the country just had life and buildings and houses and stuff now bro there's like there's
a lot of like uncharted territory in our country. And I'm like,
so you're telling me there's not a gas station for 16 hours? No, for what?
There's nothing out here.
Like if my cousin
told me, if you don't get gas at this gas station,
there's 16 hours till you find another gas station.
If she would have told us that,
I'd still be in Nevada.
Let's keep going. more so scariest thing that ever happened to me i apologize in advance this is going to be a low-key story
so to set it up family for mommy daddy me and my sister we lived in a two-story house the way i
was set up the band when you're at the bandister you can look down into the living room and see everything oh god so mom and dad they go on a boat cruise to jamaica on the way back my
dad doesn't come back because of some bs like warrant he had like 20 years ago so he's off in
jail my mom comes home she's distraught she wants zero noise no nonsense nonsense, no nothing. So as we're at home, my sister is in the living room,
and me and my mom are upstairs in our separate bedrooms.
So we keep hearing this, like, this, like, thumping noise,
like kind of like a bam thud sound.
I hate it.
That wasn't unusual because my sister will always, like,
jump up and, like, sprint in the house and slap the wall at full speed.
So it was like whatever. But my mom mom clearly stressed out. She's like, yo,
stop. She comes out of her room. She's like, yo, stop making all that noise.
Absolutely not.
And my sister is sitting on the couch in the living room that we can clearly
see. And you know, my sister's like, no, that's not me.
And they start arguing back and forth.
So I come out of my room just watching them argue and all that well next thing you know we hear that boom boom boom that thud again from
like a whole separate portion of the house that's downstairs this is the black eyed peas so we all
three look at each other and my sister she books it upstairs well you know you know, Jamaica is supposed to be known for like voodoo and spirits, quote
unquote. So
for context purposes,
I was raised a Jehovah Witness and they
say that when there's demons in your house,
you are supposed to say, Jehovah,
please protect me.
Bro.
So
I'm chanting, Jehovah, please
protect me as if I'm Busta Rimes and they'll look at me now birds
and my mom and sister are trying to figure out like what did they bring back that's you know
brought in this demon or whatever oh no that's what i'm chanting and as they're looking for stuff
we just hear kind of like this like screech noise and then we hear a shoo like through our front door but we have a screen door and we
have a wooden door both of them like slam full like full force as if someone just like you know
ran out so so now so now they're getting the chills everything and literally we hear another
shoof noise and it comes back in and we hear the theud again, the three-time bam. So my sister realized that she's like, yo, like you got some stuff that's like Pokemon.
Apparently Pokemon is supposed to be demonized.
I don't know if that's true, but that was the only thing.
Like, I don't know.
So my sister grabs all the Pokemon stuff and she like books it out the front door.
And she like, my sister runs like half a block down from our house
because she's not joking and she throws the pokemon stuff out the second my sister leaves
the house with the pokemon we just hear another screeching noise kind of like a like a screech
and then like a shoo and then our and our our door slammed. The screen door and the wooden door again.
And literally, I stayed in the house for another, like, I think 15 years at that point.
Never, never had anything like that happen again.
Pokemon?
Pokemon?
Gotta catch them all more like gotta throw them all away
hey
I don't know
man
Pokemon's haunted
where do you live and where'd she
throw those cards out I need to see if
there's a holographic Charizard.
Just for my own personal records.
I never had Pokemon because my parents and mom thought it was lame.
Pokemon?
Pokemon?
Haunted your house.
Pokemon.
Get away, bro.
Gotta catch them all.
Pokemon.
Gotta hunt
them all.
Gotta catch them all.
And once you do, there's gonna be spirits in your house.
Pokemon. gotta catch them on once you do there's gonna be spirits in your house pokemon more of a digimon guy anyway so
dude that is insane i wonder if that's a i think i don't think anyone knows that
do people know that pokemon cards are haunted
knows that.
Do people know that Pokemon cards are haunted?
The amount of Pokemon
cards just laying around in everybody's
house. Dude, how are they haunted?
Pika?
Pika?
That cute
little yellow guy haunted?
Pika? There better not be anything
else like that haunted.
Tamagotchis better not be haunted.
This does kind of remind me of Pokemon.
This just scared the shit out of me.
I tried to take a picture of myself just now
and there's a filter activated
as I try to take a picture.
and there's a filter activated as I try to take a picture.
Name a scarier site than me as a girl.
Way hotter.
All right, I got the chills.
You guys did your thing.
Scariest thing that's ever happened to you.
I cannot believe some of that there's really the guy writing messages
in bottles that I'll never forget
why
met her once
I'm gonna write a message and put it in a bottle baby
come come come on in
let's keep going. Dear diary. Hey, dear diary. Why, why, how
come I've lived in this apartment for four months and maintenance has come in here seven
times once each month and then three just cause.
What?
I swear they think we're doing something in here.
And hey, we're doing something, all right.
We're doing a lot of things, but nothing,
nothing that bad, right?
I mean, I pound on the wall and scream every Sunday night and Thursday, but I think they're, I think they, they see the camera. They think they see the ring lights.
Do they think we're doing porn? I don't know. Comes in seven times. We live here
for four months to check the smoke detectors they're good dear diary what do you want what do
you want us to do i don't know is it because we have beanbag chairs in our living room and we're
34 year old men that live here oh you know what that is sounding kind of sketchy now that i think
about it two white 34 year old men living in an apartment together with beanbag chairs in a rug that has a
bunch of polka dots on it okay maybe they got a point they got a point they got a point show and
tell hey sneak peek this is for the gang only i'm gonna show it for like three seconds.
Who's buying this exclusive.
Okay.
This might ruin my soul.
It is.
It's on brand with the episode.
This might be the worst one I've ever done or had to do.
Chunky soup.
Ghost pepper.
Chicken noodle.
Who's buying this? Hey, but honestly,
hey, imagine your mom,
imagine when you're sick
and you ask for chicken noodle soup,
your mom brings you ghost pepper chicken noodle soup.
The amount of times I've actually had a ghost pepper too,
just on some dumb shit,
and it actually ruins your whole entire day
and next day i'm so white like
chicken from chipotle kind of does it to me you know like i'll eat chicken from chipotle
and completely forget and the next day i'll be like oh well here we go is is that is anybody else
going through that chicken from chipotle sets it off down there the next day i'm like
why did i do that but it's just chicken there's like not like it i understand like i i i do fit
into that stereotype like really hardcore you don't like spicy stuff no i don't man because
the next day it ruins my ass and i don't really enjoy eating spicy food honestly i don't know
it kind of just is painful oh my god you're so like yeah i am i am actually i am so yeah
you put too much pepper on something i'll sneeze i just i don't really think it's that good
i don't really hot take not hot though
i don't i don't know if spicy food is doing anything to me
it's just kind of in the way of me eating more I don't know if spicy food is doing anything to me.
It's just kind of in the way of me eating more.
Coo-coo-coo-coo.
Cringe moment of the week.
Okay.
Not the first time this has happened.
Yes, I'm dressed up as Michael Myers in a grocery store with Freddie on my birthday at 10 a.m.
And yes, we get security called on us for making a video in a store.
But it was so weird.
Like, okay, we're in an aisle.
We're doing stuff.
We're making a video.
We get security called on us, and we're like,
really, though?
It's Hollywood. We're in the heart of Hollywood.
Security guard comes over.
And tries to help us out.
He's like setting the camera up.
Bro comes down the aisle and I'm like, yo, we got to wrap this up right now.
And he's like, no, go ahead. Finish. And we're like, what? And he's like, I'm a,
I'm a horror movie fan. Like go ahead. Coolest security guard ever just helps us finish the rest
of the video. I'm like, can you line that up? He has his body cam footage going. And I'm like,
Hey sir, can you, here's my gmail can you
google drive that to me then i'm like we're good man we're done he's like all right i gotta walk
you out cringe moment of the week kicked out of a grocery store wearing a costume on my birthday
kind of a good way to set the day off though like if you're looking for a way to wake you up
like you've never been more awake than the time that you're late for something
that was the same adrenaline rush like you know when you wake up late and you're like oh shit
it's so crazy that the amount of times that that's happened.
Oh, I was supposed to be there at 8 a.m. It's 9.13 and you just text them and you're like,
oh my God, I am so sorry.
And they're like, hey, and why is it always completely fine?
Name a time where you've been late for something.
Why is that one of my biggest fears? Name a time you've been late for something. Why is that one of my biggest fears?
Name a time you've been late for something
and the person is just,
I just won't,
just is unbelievably mad at you.
It's never,
it's always okay.
I'm like,
why,
why did I even have to go anywhere?
it's the same it's the same feeling getting kicked out of a place and being late for something did i feel like i just broke i felt like i got i felt like i got caught robbing a bank
i don't know.
Good way to set the day off, though.
Honestly.
No harm.
They still like us.
I went in the next day.
And bought ground turkey because I'm a good boy.
Let's do days.
Thursday.
National doorbell day.
Is there anything more terrifying than that?
What's the scariest thing that's ever happened to you?
When I'm in the middle of telling someone a story
and someone rings the doorbell,
there isn't anything more.
There's nothing more interrupting
than someone ringing the doorbell.
A FaceTime, kind of the same, kind of the same,
but you don't have to get the FaceTime, you know?
Someone ringing your doorbell, you kind of feel like you have to get it a little bit.
Because you're like, I wonder if they looked in my house and saw me before they rang the
doorbell.
It's such a lost art.
Another guy didn't ring our doorbell, but maintenance came in our apartment today to
check for nothing.
Then four hours later,
I hear a knock at the door.
Some weird guy talking about,
Hey,
you know,
there's construction on top of the building and we're putting a couple new
wifi towers in.
What do you guys use?
Do you guys,
what are you talking about?
Can you even cold call like that in an apartment complex?
I was like,
are you trick or treating bro? At any second? I was like, are you trick-or-treating, bro?
At any second, I was like,
you're going to pull out a gun and shoot me.
But I felt like I had to listen to him.
Is that the Midwest?
I don't know.
I feel like I could never slam my door on somebody's face while they're talking to me at my door
after they ring the doorbell
because I'm like, you know where I live.
Like, if you're real disrespectful to somebody.
That like rings your doorbell.
And like tries to sell you something.
I'm like.
You could just like burn my house down.
Not that I've thought about doing that or anything.
So weird.
Why are you always doing the most important thing.
In the world.
When someone rings your doorbell. and they're talking to you about god knows what
in the most bullets flying high pressure situation of the day on a call and the doorbell rings i'm like
did my dad die better go check it real quick and stop everything i'm doing go to the door
hey we noticed uh the shingles on your roof i'm like like, dude, oh my God. You couldn't have picked a worse time.
It's always the worst time.
Guy who's kind of bitching a little bit too much.
Hey, got to get him out.
Sometimes you got to complain.
Complain gang, where are we at?
National Caramel Apple Day.
Okay.
All right.
All right.
All right.
national caramel apple day okay all right all right all right i'm gonna need i'm gonna need everyone to put some respect on caramel apples
i see them when i walk by in the store i see i can't take my eyes off of them honestly i can't
not look one time i was a little addicted one time time I was in my head. I was kind of like,
you know, it is for dude covered in caramel nuts and sprinkles. God, that is one thing
I can get down with a caramel apple. I feel like nobody's buying them, though. Who's buying this? Me.
Put some respect on Caramel Apples.
You always just see them in the store.
Nobody's ever actually bought them.
And I got to be real.
I got to be real right now.
They're a little underwhelming.
For what they really are,
a little like, you know, you get,
you get through the, you get through the caramel and then you realize like, this is just a pretty average apple. Now you throw a gala in there, a Fuji, are we Fuji apple gang or Fuji apple gang?
You throw some caramel on a Fuji apple. I'm thinking you infuse it.
Everybody remembers where they were when they had the Dairy Queen Blizzard with the core.
Remember Dairy Queen used to do that?
Blizzards with a caramel core. You could get a raspberry cheese quake blizzard
and get a strawberry core.
You give me an apple,
a caramel apple,
with sprinkles on the outside and a caramel core.
Just saying.
You might change apples forever
you can turn apples into a lot of things you can apple pie apple
even the apple pop tarts put some respect on those
the uh the the apple the what are they called what is that pop talk
it i think it was interfering with brown cinnamon sugar sales.
The Apple Pop-Tart.
Hold on a minute.
What is that called?
What is that called?
I know you know it right now.
God, I just looked at this again.
What is it called?
Apple Strudel?
Come on, babe. Where are we at?
Did I make this up?
Yeah, it's apple strudel.
I think it's limited.
Because this thing right here
that has brown cinnamon sugar on the ropes.
Apple strudel pop tart baked with real fruit.
National Cinnamon Day. Cinnamon. national cinnamon day cinnamon cinnamon a big big game changer when it comes to uh if we're talking donuts i'll take a cinnamon
roll every single time over a donut it's just it's got a it's a little more special it has layers to
it they took their time on it.
They rolled it up.
The icing on top of a cinnamon roll
is like no icing that I've ever had in my entire life.
Cinnamon.
Cinnamon.
R.I.P. Cinnabon.
I just cannot find...
Like, where are they?
Talk about something that'll throw your whole day off someone ringing the doorbell and when you
finally like build up the courage to get cinnabon like i always want it but then i always kind of
i'm like i always kind of wuss out you know i see a cinnabon i'm like you know
yeah i don't think i'm ready i'm all talk when it comes to cinnabon oh my god i can put down
a cinnabon right now go to cinnabon i'm like you know what i don't know i don't know if i'm ready
for that like because they are so overwhelming a cinnabon why do i have to hold it like that's
it's the last big thing that they make.
Every other thing that they sell, food-wise, Big Mac's tiny now.
Whopper's tiny now.
Double cheeseburgers, you can fold it in half and put the whole thing in your mouth.
But a Cinnabon?
You need both hands for daddy you need a spoon you need about two hours you need a new change of clothes a shower a dentist appointment dude cinnabons are
i think i think i'm still trying to finish the last one i had
and you can't get the kind that's sold in stores.
I don't know.
Are they even a thing anymore?
I never see it.
Dude, every airport I go into,
I just ask the random airport guy,
yo, you guys got a cinema?
Nah, man.
That's the only thing we're missing.
Damn.
Damn, I want to ruin my entire day.
Next time, National Jersey Friday.
Could talk about it forever.
Could talk about it forever.
Trying to think of one that's got me in a choke hold right now.
Something that just bothers me so bad.
The Packers wear all white, all right?
I'll only talk about this for a couple seconds.
The Packers wear all white.
Looks pretty good.
Looks clean.
But the helmet stripe, what are we doing there?
Does anybody know?
Does anybody have any idea why they're doing that?
Sometimes I'm just like, it's so easy to accomplish the jersey goal.
And how are they messing it up?
What's the final test of like, yeah, let's put that out.
Who's that guy?
Is he blind?
The Texans. The Texans? This bothers bothers me so much how they all got new they just all got new uniforms not sports podcast the they the texans
got new uniforms this week this year the away uniforms perfect but they they have other uniforms
home and alternate that aren't as good at all. And they're both different.
I think this is just something I care deeply about.
National deviled egg day.
Saturday.
National Ohio day. How come when I'm out here in hollywood and somebody says
they're from ohio i'll trust and hang on to every word they say you say you're from ohio out here i
i'm like come here please come here come here hold me hey we're in this together i feel like
we're i feel like midwest people are the only normal people.
And I kind of feel like it's only Midwest people that are listening to this podcast.
I like people from LA, specifically Mexican people.
I don't know what it is.
But Mexican people are so sick out here.
They're so helpful.
They're so excited.
They're so genuine.
I don't know if they like turn their back and they're like, man, stupid white boy.
But Mexican people kind of remind me
of like the white people in Ohio.
Like they're just like, oh, yeah.
Have a great day.
You can just feel it.
They just want you to know that maybe I'm getting played,
but Mexican people in L.A. are the white people in Ohio.
They support.
They show out.
They're grateful.
I'm like, I love you so much.
The respect is off the chains.
National Devil Day Day.
Can't remember the last time I had devil day.
Had to be 4th of July. How come a devil day
just smells like a fart?
You know, but you're like, I gotta try
it still.
Devil days.
Anything with the word devil in front of it.
I'll take it.
Devil's
food pudding. I'll take it. Yeah. I'll take actually i'll take two devil dag yeah sure why not
guy who can't think of another example
i just remember there's a budweiser commercial so long ago and it was a guy drinking a budweiser
watching football and eating deviled eggs and it was the
most graphically like I think it was the
first ASMR video ate a deviled egg
maybe ate two hit a Budweiser you could
hear every chew and swallow and he's
like Budweiser.
The king of beers, or whatever it was.
I don't even think of it as the king of beers, but you know what I'm saying.
Daylight savings time.
Oh yeah, we got our setback, our clocks, don't we?
Hey, things I'll never do. I don't think i ever set them forward things that i'll just never do
i can't stand it this is i'm talking about things i have i have no business talking about right now
but i mean man like the west coast time to you i wake up and i i'm i'm my eyes
are bleeding because i feel so behind out here in la because i'm used to midwest midwest you guys
are up three hours earlier than people in la i'm like holy uh unfair i'm waking up at 754 with 19,000 things going on.
The advantage is amazing.
I think we are.
If I'm president, we operate on one time.
It is dark.
It's dark.
Sorry, babe.
Figure it out.
One time.
Time zones. Tell me if i drive an hour somewhere that it's a it's it's an hour later what ready to throw numbers at me i'm done for no matter what time dates
hey guy who said the uh guy who made all his dates on his flyer wrong
because he can't read calendar.
34 years old.
All right, y'all.
Hey, have a happy, safe Halloween.
I love you.
Get your tickies.
San Diego next Thursday.
We're taking pics.
We're kissing.
It's going to be a bomb ass time.
Sick lineup.
Get your tickies.
Thank you for the voice messages.
Leave a rating and a review.
I can't thank you guys enough.
Follow on YouTube.
Tell a homie to follow
because we've got to grow the complain gang.
Love you guys for real.
See you next time.