Espresso - whats your age and thing you can't do?

Episode Date: January 5, 2023

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Espresso podcast shot 244. I'm your girlfriend, Benedict Polizzi, and today I have this mommy over here, Derek James, on the podcast. Yeah. Of course. Of course. I tried to fart, but... Would have been too hot. Would have been too hot. LOL at... Wait, at LOL Derek James.

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Everything's on benedictmerch.com. Remember to listen to these guys, me and Joey Molinaro, on YouTube, on Spotify, Apple Pods, wherever you get your podcasts, and join the Patreon. You know? $5 a month for an extra episode every single week. Bro, there's just so many loose wires here. Hey, don't tell them that.

What's what? I mean, what I know. I feel like if I like move my foot, this whole thing's gonna. I know, dude. This looks like the back of my like when I try to plug in a PlayStation when I was like 13. I hated that when there are chords going everywhere. Couldn't even play and hide all the chords.

Yeah, I mean, it just looks like the back of my desk right now. Kind of looks like like when people have a TV on the wall and there's chords hanging from it. Yeah, you're like pro. I bought five thousand dollars with a moss to just cover that problem to fake. My fake boss. Have you told you? Do people know about your fake?

Everybody knows. Everybody knows. It's my whole personality nothing's nothing's funnier than the fucking fist or softball size holes you drilled into your wall about your tv oh yeah nobody knows about that luckiest thing i've ever done bro i self-mounted my tv like there's a kit you can buy at like home depot and it's just like a it's like a circular like manual like sharp object that they sell and you just put it on your wall and and i guess the two right spots it should have been in dude okay nothing is funnier than when

you were like yeah i hung that tv and i was like really you hung that tv and you go no somebody did it i paid somebody you're like when i drill the holes though it would they're like two cartoon mouse holes in my wall they're huge it was the only size i had bro it's like when you have to move out you're like nah dude we can patch over those it's like no you can't we're gonna need a new wall actually knock the wall down just knock it down let's open plan let's open floor plan bro let's knock this bitch down all right so the question we're trying to figure out this week is actually it's not really a question it's what's your age and what's something you can't do for me it's i can't make grilled cheese i mean i feel like that's i mean it's not that bad can you make grilled cheese yeah i mean it's fucked up because there's so many ways to make grilled cheese now

like you don't have to just put it in a pan i was talking about the og way right with butter on the toast do you put butter on both sides for sure the problem is is like where you get hung up is that we don't have room temperature butter do Do you just have room temperature? But no, that's fucking. That's what you need. If you're 32 and you don't have room temperature butter. That's the problem. That's the problem. Are you sure?

Yeah. Because like you got to spread it on the. You got it like you got to spread it on the toast or on the bread. If you just have one square. Yeah. And then you're just just gonna have one buttered square but the butter comes in the fridge at the store right but i don't want to change the chemistry of that butter if i just leave it out dude you want to you want soft butter that's how

you know you're becoming an adult is that you got soft butter on the table yeah it's a lot of things become more room temp all of a sudden your ketchup's staying out become more room temp. All of a sudden, your ketchup's staying out. Really? Really. Room temp should catch up? RTK, bro. Hot dogs are ready. Can I get a little RTK?

A little RTK? Water is more room temp. I like a sparkling water at room temp. Yo. Yeah. Slap my ass. Because when it's cold, you get the shock of being cold and the bubbles you're like too much what did i sign up for acid reflux with water get out of here i drink so much sparkling water i actually don't know the last time i drank actual water yeah like i was thirsty at the gym and i was like i don't think i was i think i'm

gonna wait till i get home uh that's some real fuckery if you bring sparkling water to the gym oh that's some rich ass shit i might have to do that dude okay dude i was so i don't know dude like is it too much like inside shit if i say i was so disappointed when you left san pellegrino to go to perrier wow dude this is a real thing this is really yeah there's a lot of insider info this is yeah we hang out we should tell them we hang out every day you say hang out or make out both yeah yeah i mean it's interchangeable yeah you know and when you went and i'm there with a san pellegrino you're part of the san pellegrino boys oh I didn't know this really hurt you deep down. This hurt me deeply.

And when I said I was like, I'm going to grab a Perrier, you go, why? Yeah, I was devastated. I don't really know why. I think it's just like 50 cents cheaper. Yeah. Well, you go because it has... Oh, the lemon.

The lemon. And then I was just like, add a fucking lemon to your San Pellegrino. That's a whole nother thing. Yeah, but... And then I got to like, add a fucking lemon to your San Pellegrino. That's a whole nother thing. Yeah, but. And then I got to think, am I going to keep them room temp or not? Your lemons? Yeah. Hey, well, okay.

But I was thinking about this the other day. 32 can't make grilled cheese. I mean, fuck it. The other thing I can't do that I'll never be able to do. Tie a tie. Oh. No one knows how to do that right unless you're like the weatherman for channel six or you know you like it just had a dad but i mean like that's

the only thing my dad knows how to do his knots bro double windsor or single yeah uh i think he went single gang like sometimes yeah sometimes i could tell he was in a hurry in the morning like when i was a kid, I saw him at like 3 PM and his knot would be like this big. Like, he was like, yeah, he had like a thumbnail knot.

Jesus. Yeah. I, I used to tie like when I was like, I learned how to tie a tie off the internet. For sure. I was like, Oh,

I'm a dude fat. Not that same, that same picture with the ties that are red. Yeah. With the red. And it like, yeah, it looks like Ikea. Like with like with the arrow with the arrow and you're like fuck that dude so then you just watch a youtube video uh but i was like i'm gonna be the guy

does the double windsor but the it's too much the dubs yeah like yeah you gotta have a whole day for that nobody nobody wanted to see a kid in a double windsor do like his like powerpoint who's this scam bro like what deal what real estate agent is this with like earrings in like still kind of hung over oh yeah two diamonds both ears oh bro backwards hat like the tightest skin fade that you could have oh yeah no yeah. You don't know anything. No. Except for how to tie that knot. No.

Yeah. Just trying to show off. Let's get into these. Wait, you're not going to ask me why? What can't you do? Oh, shit. My bad. Yeah.

I'm 31 and I can't, like I can't eat. Stop it. No, like, like, like I can't. Look at yourself. You can eat. Yeah. But like not in a way that will like, like I get food on me every single time. Oh, like I'll call myself a man when I can go to a sporting event and leave that place

with no food on me. Like that's the day I, that's my bar mitzvah. I have seen you like eat in a public place and you do like, you're very self-aware. You keep it out in front, dude. Cause I always, you've been down that road. Yeah,

dude. Like, but it always ends up on me. Like I was, there's two things that can happen. All right. Like I, like I just grow up and do that.

Or I just get to the age and have kids where I can just be like, yeah, I'm saving it for later. Like it comes on me and just be like, and I just look down and be like, ah, saving it for later. I hate it when people say that. Bro. Yeah. down be like ah saving it for later i hate it when people say that bro yeah you got some food right there i'm like oh i'm sorry saving it for later saving that for late yeah so i just need to age into it where i'm

fine with it but or i don't know man but if i go if i can leave a colts game without nacho cheese on me that would be i'm a man you just don't need i become a man it's crazy that you're buying nachos at a colts game though like you've got nachos at colts game money yeah and hot dog bro it's a cool 30 that's a cool 30 yeah yeah you're not getting nachos well i know you're not getting nachos you're gonna eat pineapple at a colts game but oh it's so good but i will take some nachos from somebody else's like plate Oh, you will? Yeah. Those nachos near the end, they're like, you're not eating that. Come on.

Oh, yeah, and they're a little soggy. They have jalapeno juice in there. Yeah, and they almost look like they're just real raggedy chips. I knew this was going to turn into a food podcast if I was eating. Every single podcast. But do you lick? Do I lick the cheese cup? Yeah, there you there you go no not in public i do maybe maybe if i turn a corner and i'm throwing it away the third beer you're like oh i'm getting that get down in there oh pinky in there yeah yeah it's i thought you meant like put your tongue no no you can do it tastefully

by sticking your pinky in there you just you kind of it's like a you just swirl around it oh that's nice yeah it fits and they got the grooves too yeah and you gotta go yeah no plastic i'm trying to think the last time i dipped my tongue into something that wasn't done pudding cup but a cup you thought of something way too horny I appreciate that alright dude let's hear it from anonymous what's your age? what's something you can't do?

I'm probably not the only one who can't do this I'm 29 and I remember in 4 fourth grade gym class, we had the gymnastics theme for that week. Yeah.

And we were taught how to roll forwards and to roll backwards. And I just can't fucking roll backwards. I can get in the squat position or that seating position and start to roll like where it just gets my back. You go up to the side. Right. And then I roll sideways. Yeah, there you go. Here's the thing.

If someone was murdering me and the only way to get out was rolling backwards, I would die. Yeah. Yeah, I'd fucking die. You can just stop recording after. Yeah, I was expecting the top I'm dead. No, here's the thing that you're 29, so you're close to 30.

You don't need to be rolling anywhere. You just use that excuse. Yeah, unless you're like playing with a kid that's your little cousin or something right knees on the ground yeah i guess he's still there you're like you're like i'm too old for this everybody's rolling off to the side a little bit even if you're fucking batman bro dude i can't roll backwards you can roll backwards yeah give me like three tries i can roll back. You can do it. You can get there.

But the first one, bro, I'm all over the place. Whenever you were drunk, when are you ever going to have to roll backwards? What are you? A possum? No. What is it? What are those things on the side of the road that always like break their neck? The raccoon?

No, it's there in like Texas. They like made it like a shell. Oh, porcupine. No. Why did I say that with an it like a shell oh porcupine no why did i say that with an accent it's not porcupine porcupine like like uh poke bowl poke there's a poke bowl on the south of the road in texas like aardvark is another thing like roll backwards and snap their necks that's what hurt yeah those are the things with like the shells right they're like made of their own shell i think this is neither here nor there let's not but i was uh i was coaching uh i think i was playing db while i was coaching the receivers at a football practice and i was backpedaling like that i thought i still had it a little bit

and something happened and i tripped and i had to roll out of that oh and i saved it i saved bro nothing i've seen i've seen a 300 pound coach get not pay attention and uh get smacked just somebody ran right into roll backwards and just carry that momentum like it was like just rolled backwards right back on his feet and you're just like wait it's just so much momentum is he athletic athletic or just fat? On another episode. Let's keep going. Hey, Ben. It's Anonymous here.

So what I haven't been able to do for the past nine years is grow a thick head of hair, which I'm actually cool with it because I've been bald for the past three years. But what's been irking me lately is my three-year-old nephew keeps letting me know that I don't have any hair and why don't I have any like the rest of the family like I get it dude I'm a fucking snowball let it go we grow hair indeed there's more there's more there's more damn my bad forgot to mention I turn 30 next month oh geez this guy dude what if he was like forgot to mention I turned 17? Oh, yeah. There's no more bald guy word than the word irk. Yeah, that whole voice message was like, you're bald. Yeah, you're bald.

Didn't have to say it. No, you didn't have to. Yeah. I think irks me more. I was like, oh, yeah, you've lost your hair when you were 23. And he said snow. I'm a snowball. Yeah.

I know you have that pain. You know what it is. It is what it is, bro. Plug it. You just got to spend $30,000 on your hair. And just get laser treatment. Your head gets hot. Twice a week.

Yeah, your head gets hot dog roasted. Twice a week. I should just go to a Speedway. Bro, you should. You just sit under a fucking hot dog cooker. Hot dog rollers the whole entire time. Hey, I don't have time to get up there, so I just went to my local Starvin' Marvin.

Remember that? Remember when Speedway convenience stores used to be called Starvin' Marvin? That's some old ass shit. That's some I'm losing my hair shit right there. Yeah, bro, I can't believe it, dude. They fucking fire lasers into your head. I'm sitting there, dude. Don't even know what's going on.

Feels great. It does the best 30 minutes of my life i feel like it feels like absolutely nothing is happening could be the case how much do those cost i don't know they're like yeah i was like uh let's do a couple tiktoks and figure it out dude feels like absolutely nothing yeah i don't know i just feel like i like i'm a lady at the hair salon there you go and i am do you feel like it's do you feel like it's growing it's growing in is it i showed the top of my head at a at an open mic yeah the guy that was running the open mic like this real old guy goes it's getting better like the fact that you know the progress of my hair means that's weird and it means that i do this joke too that is hilarious bro just slice through all like silence and laughter in the room it's

getting better bro it's like a putting green in there now it's getting out there oh yeah oh geez there we go yeah yeah i see it it's getting there it's getting better it's getting just keep going nice i'm 27 and i'm afraid of the dentist that makes sense you know drills spikes whatever one time they really got me fucked up and it hurt like the whole time i was like am i supposed to be numbed and they said i was kind of it was kind of like happening as i was thinking it so i i couldn't like i didn't want to like hey you know like what do you do when there's an emergency at the dentist and like it hurts like what am i gonna fucking slap them in the ribs like i never know what to

do fucking flick their nose yeah like bro but then i'm like what if it throws them off and they just like slice my whole mouth open with that drill that's true yeah dude uh i mean like is there a safe word in dentistry oh dude yeah dude you just pineapple bro pineapple uh hardest word ever yeah it's fucking ow it's the same ow can't they tell yeah probably but like they don't even like when you go now they don't even scrape your teeth anymore they really yeah they like use like a power they like power wash your teeth no i love the hell yeah because i'm like we're getting shit done okay yeah we're really working yeah scrape it like a fucking driveway you know like yeah yeah like it's your windshield on an icy day i'm like we're fucking doing some work but the water pick i'm like i can buy this shit at target dude but it feels like somebody's like you know like when you power wash a deck that's

what it feels like someone feels like power washing your teeth i need that you do yeah like cleaning graffiti off of your teeth no i i actually need that i went like this the other day and took a picture like this why would you do that because i was like dude i haven't had my teeth cleaned like that in so long i gotta see what's going on in there because how else can you see it so my phone took the clearest picture of this shit dude i'm like damn like i'm almost like homeless looking oh yeah the bad don't take a picture of the back of your teeth so you have you i mean you're just tartar sauce up there i'm just caked dude oh dude it's disgusting bro that's the craziest thing because i know like how much effort you put into the crest whitening the front just the front dude the back you're like a you're like back of my teeth in the back of my head do your teeth are

like a fixer upper house that somebody like quit halfway through and just try to get a fucking like family from utah that's moving here just to buy it sight unseen dude it's my my teeth are one of those cars that look good like from the street oh yeah it's like a 2018 like cadillac that like an escalator some shit that you're like, oh my God, that's only $5,000. Yeah. And then you get there and you're like, whoa, the whole bottom end is rusted out. Oh, bro. I wish I had that picture.

Actually, I know you still have it. I do for sure. It's buried. And that's the thumbnail of this. It's honestly discussed. I was worried. I was worried looking at it. I was like, i really need to

go to the dentist i mean we can make that happen no but like i tried and they had to like close because of covid or something so i never went and i was like yeah i needed that one yeah let's keep going hey ben long time listener first time caller i'm 30 years old and i cannot understand cryptocurrency or like get out of here with this intangible shit you know well you you've obviously tried because you know the word intangible hey you're halfway you're already a way of way past us yeah uh yeah dude it's not i mean like does anybody really understand it first thing i do when i get my iphone delete the stocks app oh i didn't know yeah bye yeah what is a nasdaq dude i listened to you today you were like when i called you you were like are you listening to

like fox news yeah so on the radio i was listening to the stock market radio. For what? I don't know, man. It's just like just trying to figure out what the Dow is. Bro, you like Dow Jones. I'm like, who the hell's Dow Jones? What the fuck's a Dow? Yeah. I don't know, man. It's like you ever just want to like get your when you're in school.

You'd be so boring. You would just start daydreaming. That's how boring it is. That's what that is for me. I'm like, like all right like throw that on there and just zone out and like i was like maybe you'll think of something yeah maybe i'll think of something yeah stock market rick i need to zone out and you're just like all right what's the nasdaq doing today it's like when you need to take a nap and you watch golf or some shit like that. Yeah. And then also like, I'm like, they'll say something about like Tesla and I'll be like,

Oh, maybe I need to buy Tesla. Maybe I need to invest. Yeah. And then I never do. No. Yeah. He doesn't like, you don't understand crypto.

Like I don't think that's a do. It's weird. Yeah. I don't think that's a thing that you should worry about. Yeah. Just stop. Let's keep going. So I'm 26 and I cannot spell for shit.

I mean, if I had to sit down and write an essay or a letter, a handwritten note of any kind, it would look like a fifth grader did that shit because genuinely anything over five letters there's about a 50 chance it's going to be spelled completely wrong spell correct has ruined me yeah spell check is the greatest thing ever dude but how about when you're trying to type something and you know it's what you want to type and it keeps changing it you know your spell check

keeps like tapping in and changing you're like that's not what i want i know what i want yeah i know what you're saying i yeah i want to kill my phone you want you want the like yeah the weird way to spell it yeah and it's like nup, nup, nup, nup. And you're like, yeah, I get what you're saying. Dude, but if it wasn't for spellcheck, I'd be a welder. Like, you know, like I would have lost so much confidence. What did you type the other day and you sent it to me? It was supposed to be N-O, but you typed it K-N-O-W.

I was like... Yeah, dude. Fuck you, bro. Don't put that out there. ow i was like yeah dude you bro don't put that out there aren't you in college go to college yeah dude like if it wasn't for spellcheck there's no way i would i mean i would be manual labor all the way i've lost like without spellcheck like i bluffed my way through college because people would be like i would have written a paper and people would be like it would have been people like this kid can't spell he can't be here i guess our parents were much smarter than us because they didn't have

that shit they just had to like write words oh dude what's the the craziest part is when you find out your dad has good handwriting that is because dad's don't write shit they don't you see your dad's handwriting like three times a year right and it's like uh on your three times in your life maybe bro it's on your birthday card and you're like damn like yo and it's all caps it is bro it's all caps dads don't know how to write lowercase boys and girls school boys teach all caps dude you're like it's like some weird cross between like regular and cursive like and you're like what the fuck dad like your dad's s's are connected why are you so silky with a pen

bro dude and it's like dude your dad has the smallest handwriting too but it's real neat dude the bit like okay your dad my dad's joe your dad's joe right every dad in the world every dad's dude the J is so big it's like the rest is like yeah it's just the tiniest dude it's it's saucy but it is man and then also like I don't ever forget I wrote my dad like when I one time in college I wrote him like a real heartfelt like uh card all spelled wrong all spelled wrong and dude i remember you know i love you and oh dude the worst part was is like like it started to slant down like the because there's no lines on the card and you're writing it and you're like i love you dad and it's just slanting down like a like a house that's falling you're like what the fuck you're right you don't love me that much yeah dude fucking why

did yeah they all have the sauciest handwriting it's super it's super nice yeah and i forget what i was gonna say wait no i don't know fuck your mom's handwriting though ah yeah i mean obviously but like mom's handwriting But my mom's handwriting is absolute chicken scratch. Really? Because she just has so much to do. But it's still there. It's still like, yeah, you still got it. Yeah, but it's also like, I don't know. Was your mom a note mom?

My mom makes a note, a post-it note for everything. My mom had good handwriting. It was bubbly. Really? It was a cross between cursive and regular. My mom has aggressive cursive handwriting oh yeah like like get shit done it is it is nice and smooth though oh yeah she'll never she will never lift a pen i don't think a lot i think after a certain age i'm not yeah no she she

the the pen never leaves done lifting working out no no my pen my pen bro yeah that's crazy now that i think about it yeah she's her pen never once it touches the paper until the thought is gone it's it's one line no i'm had a real oh dude this is what dude asking your dad how happy imagine your dad and be like hey dad can you can you do your sit your autograph right here your signature they'd be so proud oh yeah you know you know that's something every dad's not saying no to oh it's john showing off his signature yeah he's like he's like my john hancock so you never ask yeah exactly yeah your mom's signature not great though no mom just had two letters i was like thank you going to forge there we go i'm 30 years old and i don't know how to iron i'll use the wrinkle release spray

yeah you're me i yeah dude that's spray i hit a shirt twice with it today i know exactly not a lot of people are on that i'm not on it like i'm trying to figure i was gonna say something about i was gonna try to figure out how to get the i was gonna fluff this in the dryer but then i already had shit in the dryer so there is wrinkle remove spray yeah i'm gonna put you on right now i feel downy at target it's like 10 bucks but it's fire it's not really 10 it's like six dude i feel like that's grandma's dropping the ball what on ironing yeah so i mean like somebody should have taught us how to iron i mean bro ironing though you need all this shit like the iron could blow up you never

know you gotta have an ironing board just stashed behind a weird door somewhere it's kind of a hazard dude the iron's heavy it's hot how many times have you burnt yourself with an iron uh multiple times but the thing is is like the thing is like i don't know like i want a crispy shirt so uh but nobody taught me the angles of an ironing board nobody taught you had you had to ruin a shirt yourself i've ruined so many shirts dude because like okay and then also like i don't know what it is but like you're like when you're ironing you crease it the wrong way and then that crease is there forever or you're like you make it a little brown in one spot because iron's too hot and you like went in too hard i was like i didn't know i could burn laundry now it looks like i spilled like

applesauce on my shirt yeah for good Yeah. It's like you just ruined. I don't get it. Like, I mean, like what, how do you use an ironing board? Like it's, it obviously has a purpose. Like the way it's shaped. Oh yeah. You like slide your pants on one side, like on it, you know, like one leg of your pants is like going on and the other legs like.

Oh really? Yeah. Dude. All right. It's like putting, it's like putting one single leg of pants on a surfboard pretty much yeah but it gets wider as you go right yeah it's part of the game wow okay it's horrible dude iron ironing is horrible i feel like i like it no no that's why you got to get the spray dude i used i used to just spray with like normal water

like i used to be buying spray bottles all the time and spraying with spraying my clothes with water and then just like maybe hanging them on a door then they're good to go like an hour later they're not crispy but they're like better than better than whatever the hell they were i don't know man i uh i think it's a skill i want to learn just to have in my back pocket what if that was what your fucking skill was to impress a girl just like you need me iron that you need to be tired of that fuck no and then you just civil war bro and then you just lay down the crispiest iron like i never know the rules though like i want to iron this shirt but like can i and then i got to call my mom be like can i iron this shirt it's like 40 polyester 20 cotton just fucking melt it

yeah like i don't know the rules yeah i get what you're saying laundry rules there's so many how are you supposed to watch this shirt i'm like i don't fucking know and the people it's always like it's on the tag and then you're like i can't i don't want know. And the people was always like, it's on the tag. And then you're like, I can't. I don't want to read the tag. Well, you can't decipher the hieroglyphics on the fucking tag. There's a bunch of symbols. You don't know what nobody gave me the guy. I didn't know Haynes made emojis.

Yeah, exactly. That triangle with the line through it. What is that? It's the Illuminati. Is that a symbol of the Illuminati or am I not supposed to iron this? Exactly. Let's keep going. So I am 30, almost 31 years old.

And one thing I can't do at my age is shop in like the younger women's clothing section anymore. For example, I went to Target today to try and find an outfit for like a going out thing that I have coming up and I'm going to start in, I guess you would call it like the juniors section of the store because that's where like all the party clothes are going to be. And everything there is not shaped or meant or like styled for a 30 year old to wear. I did find a two piece that I look fucking bomb in that I ended up buying, but I still feel like I'm like, I'm a little, I don't think I'm young enough to like pull this outfit off,

which honestly kind of sucks right because i need to look good when i go out yeah that's a hard realization because like just did you have that recently oh oh us on new year's you remember that oh my god dude yo i have to i no idea what i'm wearing i i had to make the call you ever gotta call your boy when you're so down bad with clothes you're like does this even match yeah did you and i feel like a dad did you and i on new year's was like what are we wearing there's that party that keeps knocking on the door that's like just don't even go anymore oh yeah i do yeah i did not want to go out. Dude, I finally just threw on like a flannel. I was like, fuck this, dude.

I'm done. Yeah, dude, that shit was tough. That's a hard realization when you're looking in your closet and you're like, I have absolutely nothing to wear for this occasion. You got to prep for New Year's. Like, you got to have something in mind. You can't go into the, you can't raw dog New Year's. Like, I'll put something together at the last minute. something together right yeah no no no it was it was rough uh but yeah that's a hard

realization like because i i get it like even like six years ago even like four years ago like clothes were tailored to you you were you were like 26 you're like i can pull this shit off yeah i go to target like a bad bitch i get get what I want. And then, and then just like you remember that. And then just four years later, you're like in Target, like a lost deer. It's because when you're like 30, you don't go out anymore.

So you're like, what do I even fucking wear the same thing every day? Yeah. You're like, I can't do, you're like, I can't wear a Hollister dress anymore. Like,

yeah, it's a bummer. Let's keep going. What fucking can I do? I'm 33 years old and I can't parallel park unless it's 100% crooked. I can't write. My handwriting is still the worst.

Nothing I can do about that. And I can't make or take phone calls. Like if I got to schedule an appointment, it's going to be weeks before I do it. Like I clicked on something to ask one question about a car and this company is trying to call me fucking every day. Like answer one question. It's yes or no. no please for the love of

god don't make me talk to you dude that's practice i was thinking about that today i can take a phone call you're nice on the phone i'm smooth on the phone you can crush dude yeah i was i was looking you're good with girlfriend talk fuck you change it up dude that's yeah you'll be like shut the fuck up hey hey you're with your boys how you doing yeah like i'm kind of ashamed of my girlfriend voice oh yeah but you don't care i don't you'll do it in front of a stadium yeah i i could flip that voice on immediately like home okay yeah exactly yeah fuck bro shut the fuck up quit uh farting hey how's it going babe oh no you didn't you didn't hit it right there i didn't hit it no no i just had to pretend i just farted dude what the fuck hey what's going on babe

can you end it you're you're like you're like maybe like top of the line at ending a phone call oh just like yeah like uh pretend you're ordering at taco bell and your girlfriend calls but you gotta hurry up because you're talking to the drive-thru speaker welcome to taco bell would you like hey babe give me just two seconds uh let me order this food real quick hey can i get a uh crunch wrap supreme your girlfriend's still bugging you. She's on the phone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like, hey, babe.

Do you want a drink with that? Yeah. Can I get a large iced tea? Anything else? No, that'll be it. Pull up to the second window. All right, I'll see you in a second. Hey, babe, I'm about to turn the corner.

Can I just give you a call back here in a second? Yeah? All right. Love you. You still there? Yeah, I'm still there. Wait, what? I'm already turning around the corner babe i love you uh let me just give you a call in about five minutes all right okay love you bye so patient so yeah you gotta just one tone one yeah yeah

you could be on a roller coaster oh yeah just be like hey babe i'm about to go through the the uh loop uh let me give you a call back in just a second no i swear yeah yeah hey hey hey we're about to go to the top uh let me give you a call back right love you all right a1 on the phone yeah dude nothing's better than when you reach your boy and you hit just the smoothest impressive dude. He just hit it. You're just like because that's when it matters. That's when it matters when you're in front of your boys and you crush a phone call. Right? And it's like, oh,

he's like that. He's like that. Yeah. Yeah, he's got that in his back. Yeah, you can just do that whenever you want. Yeah, like I gotta go to another country. Girl calls me. I'm like, see it when you fumble, but you recover. another country dude girl calls me i'm like see you bro when you fumble but you recover uh dude i've had a couple of those where you like would you fumble like where you're like uh like she's saying something and you're not listening and you like say the

wrong thing and then you're just like oh no sorry you gotta pick up the pieces you gotta pick up the pieces and you're like oh no sorry i uh i was looking at are you saying something wrong you're like no dude i was talking to the guy in front of me so what was that babe sorry pro move probably just keep going i'm 32 and i can't differentiate between left and right without holding up my hands and making little l's and making little L's. Those cute little L's. Yeah, once somebody told me, I didn't know left or right either for a long time.

I still get it messed up. Like one time, someone's mom was taking me home and they're like, how did we get to your house? And I was like, oh yeah, no. I was like 10 and I was in the back seat and the mirror's right there. And they're looking at me.

You know, parents will use that mirror like it's just fucking their vision, bro. When they're flipping that thing around and they're looking you dead in the face. And I'm just like, this way? Yeah, that way. This way. Yeah. This way. After the school, this way.

Dude. Yeah. yeah that was yeah this way after the school this way dude uh yeah the the one that gets me is my left or your left i'm like oh i'm like what uh it's like it's to the left wait my left or your left and you're like wait wait there's a difference i'm like just kill me i'm 28 and i can't get a nice italian guy named vinnie to notice me no but i'll joke she say vinnie bro i cannot play cards like i suck at that shit now you got my attention yeah you couldn't have said anything sexier that's the hottest thing i've ever been like i can't play games or cards that that lets me know we have literally everything in common too i don't even i don't know how to oh i don't even know how to play war yeah i mean that's your that's your worst nightmare is a like a family card game isn't it everyone's though the family card games like people that are playing actually want to play yeah i play euchre dude dude i'll play cards uh i'm not playing clue camps i could

play camp camps yeah spoons no no no you don't play spoons no i was just collecting cards and grabbing a spoon for some reason the only game i know to play is camps because there's like a secret thing you got to do there's like a secret sign do you want to play that yeah is there's a lie involved all right like a yeah i just have to lie i'm sorry yeah you yeah i get what you're saying though like uh you would rather be doing anything else than sitting down. Yeah, your whole thing is like just trying to leave a situation. Every every this is okay. This is the greatest.

I'm always trying to always try to leave a conversation like you don't want to be here right now. Wrap this up. You want to wrap this up immediately. Dude, I'm the most fun I've ever had is when everything's over. Oh, dude. Yeah. Are you ready for for your show i'm like when it's over i'll be really excited i will say the smoothest thing like i'm smooth at a phone call i've never seen anybody smoother than leaving a conversation really oh my god that means so much did you wrap up a conversation in like 45 seconds it's crazy like watching you watch i kind of think it's rude how quick i get out dude no watching you put a bow on top of a 45 second conversation is so proud right now honestly kind of like impressive dude because people will come up to you with so much fucking

energy and i'm like this is like at least 15 you're sitting back here like how's he gonna get out i'm like i'm like dude and then and then it always ends with a fucking dap and i'm like damn dude that's like a new record that's 25 seconds and i and i'm like they went to high school together that's his dad i'm like damn dude yeah that shit's smooth you just gotta look him in the eye and you you dap it up and they're like okay it's time it's time yeah oh my god but it's hard to look him in the eye oh yeah okay yeah i get what you're saying like to get to that point sometimes he's gonna all right all right bro dude it's it's and the snap is like this is like this is like i gotta go i wish i could talk longer and the snap is like i love you oh it's just how guys talk dude and they leave and they leave feeling good about themselves this they was like that was a good conversation snap at the same time as somebody

it's like we're in love yeah that's true yeah wow but then they don't want but then they don't like message you back like i mean like hey we talk hey we talk i'm a 31 and i can't take a shot of alcohol any kind of alcohol tequila gin vodka i can't i throw i gag it up you just haven't done enough your heart's not in it listerine uh yeah we're really learning the age demographic of your of your fans hey i'm uh every every no one under 30 hey i'm 29 to 33 yeah and we can't do shit and we can't do anything yeah but you're you're i don't know for uh drinking alcohol like it's just me and you ingest anything it's just yeah i mean i don't want the alcohol but like i'm taking it down because it's like a substance and i have to finish everything that's in front

of me right yeah i don't know did you did you drink on new year's yeah like drink drink or did you uh i was kind of like like response like hung over the next day not like mildly yeah. Yeah, but like every place I was going, I was just having a little bit of something and if I was I was hung over a little bit because every single everything I had was different, right? It's like a different wine here, a different drink here, a different drink there, and I was just like Jesus Christ. This is what's going to get me. I was down.

Huh? I was down the next day. You're down for the count. What do you have? Dude, it's impossible to go out and have the same thing throughout the night though i did though i just had gin and tonics the whole night uh no freak it was it was we started off with one shot of fireball which is not a great way to start not a way to start not a way not a good way to leave the new year but that and a beer and then we got to the place and i had like three gin and tonics and a shot of tequila see you never and then done next day out till six o'clock

that is a good like i don't know if you're gonna be hung over you're gonna be hung over like that's like a sunday or a monday well i guess it was monday but with nothing to do it's a good way to waste a day i'll waste a day in bed yeah i know but like it gives you like it gives you a reason because you feel like you're doing something i was up and doing shit and i was still like i can't do anything today right so like you know like you're not to be able to do anything. The only thing you should be able to or you're doing that day is fighting that hangover. And if you win, hey, you accomplish something. One more and then we're out of here. I'm 27 and I cannot cook.

Perfect. Yeah. You got three years to learn. I pretty much. I don't think anyone needs to anymore. got three years to learn i pretty much i don't think anyone needs to do any more meals that have two steps one open package and two put into a pan and yeah and then cook that's everybody that's cooking that's cooking yeah you're my cooking knowledge i don't think cooking you're doing great honey i don't think cooking is like fuck getting the beans and chopping them i don't think

that's cooking that's just like a TikTok chef. What are you going to do? Make your own noodles? Oh, my God. Yeah, cooking is different now. You just buy some shit and then heat it up. Right. That's cooking.

I cook every night for myself. Yeah. Warming up wings in an air fryer. Yeah. Yeah, air fryers have changed the game. I don't know what we're going to do. Like, they dropped the ball. Like, if I have kids, they're not eating well no dude no i mean that's that's kind of i mean you had divorced dad growing up it was takeout city when he hung out with him

right or is he making stuff well no your dad had your divorced dad has one meal that he knows how to do signature meal yeah signature meal oh ribs yeah bro yeah but like baby back uh race they go hard race like when it was rib nights oh yeah yeah like he knew how to do it like perfectly so you know that was his night he was like dude ribs and i was like ribs man all day cook them all day in the oven you come home he's like he's like the ribs are done and you're like it's all he's thinking all day his ribs are over the sides oh potato baked oh baked potato ribs classic divorced dad meal that's his signature meal yeah what you're trying to think of my dad's dude my dad could cook a lot of shit but it was all all like really like i was a kid and i was

starving so i was just eating it now when i think think about it, I'm like, that shit was not good. Really? Yeah. My dad, like for a minute, he was on Turkey Manhattan. Oh, bro. But he was making it like they served it at my school. So I was like, this is fine. Like this is fire, actually. It didn't look like gourmet restaurant Turkey Manhattan. It was just like slice of bread gravy turkey boom fire

dude is there any is there any more divorce that just throw it all on top of each other just a pile just what kind of divorce that done like a pile that's all i think about is a pile of laundry pile of leaves their whole fucking life revival revolves around piles of shit just a pile of slop on your plate bro yeah yeah dude that's that's a divorced dad meal for sure just pile it on us in 10 years what yep yo thanks for coming on. Oh, thanks, baby boy. Espresso Podcast Shot 244. Remember to follow Derek James at LOLDerekJames. Maybe you'll see us on the road soon. Ooh.

So comment underneath here on YouTube or wherever, Instagram, doesn't matter, where you'd like to see us, what city, and we'll come out and say hey. But benedictmerch.com for all your merch. Patreon podcast $5 a month for an extra episode every week.

And thank you for all the comments. It means a lot. You guys make the show. So, all right. See you next week. All right, fam. Throw up a peace sign. Oh, shit.

See you next time.