Espresso - what's your beige flag?

Episode Date: June 8, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to your beige flags in a relationship (like watcing Anime)🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

Espresso podcast shot 266. I'm your fiance Benny today We're gonna figure out what your beige flags are We'll get into it in a second last episode. I reintroduce a little segment. I used to do As a news segment you guys probably new listeners were like what old listeners were like This motherfucker James Benedict is back Yeah, it's like a character. i made up he does uh he's like a really bad news anchor that reports on stupid stories let me know your thoughts and uh i'll probably do it like um once every few months or something like that

well let me know give me some give me some fb give me some feedback feel me so with that being said, I have a little update. I'm James Benedict, and this is 86 News. This just in, it says here a woman mistook super glue for eye drops infused her eyelids together. My God, that is so unfortunate. I can't imagine the pain and inconvenience. Sounds like she got herself into a sticky situation. Okay, Kev, Kev, Kev, I'm done. I'm done, I'm done, I'm done, I'm done.

No, see, in all seriousness, I bet she didn't even see that one coming. Okay, hey, hey. Last one. Oh, God. Oh, man, I just know if that happened to me i would totally be unglued oh god i'm done i'm done i'm done breaking news here uh yeah it's she's actually, she's fine, huh? And I wouldn't make a joke about that, but another eye joke would just be cornea. For 86 News. James Benedict.

James Benedict. Today we're going to talk about your guys' beige flags. What's a beige flag? It's not a red flag, you know? It's not something you should be like, oh my god, no. I am not. That's disgusting. It's not a green flag.

It's just like something that someone does or that you do that you're like all right i can deal with that and it's just in the it's not good or bad but it's like you're weird dog it's it's pretty much your it's pretty much your weird flag but first remember to join the patreon for five dollars a month for an extra episode and a live stream every sunday five bucks that's it almost cried on the last live stream whoops shit gets real for five dollars shit gets that real it does what's my beige flag um dude i'm kind of like i fuck around if we're dating i'll i'm i'm here to i'm here for it all if we're if if you're walking i'm gonna try to like trip you and shit not like in a mean way you know what i mean but i'm gonna try to like fuck with you a little bit a little i'm gonna see like where you're at if you're gonna roll if you can't roll with a joke, I hate girls that can't take a joke.

What? I'm like, I'm kidding. Everything I say, I'm kidding. You got to be able to take a punch here and there. Come on. But I'll prank you. I'll put a fake black rat in the shower for days. And I'll just wait around.

I'll wait around at your apartment. Oh my God, you're spending the night? Mm-hmm. Oh my God, you're spending the night again? Mm-hmm. Just for you to open that shower curtain and see that little evil fucking rat on the shower ground. Oh my God.

I don't know why, but it's just, I don't know why but it's just i don't know it's kind of fun and you can i'm not the bitch that like that like pranks people and doesn't want to get pranked back like if it prank me girly fuck it if i'm in the shower pour a bucket of ice on my head i probably deserve it it's my's my beige flag. I don't, and I'm not going to do it all the time. It's just like on some, on some random shit, you know, what else? Oh yeah. I'll swish around Listerine in my mouth at every single, uh, every single red light. That's me. If you, if there's a car in front of you and the door opens at a red light and someone throws up green liquid out of the door i'm in front of you mommy's in

front but yeah that's what i that's my beige flag i never really sit down i'm trying to think i bite my nails those aren't those are just pretty normal but i do i do sit kind of weird that can turn somebody off but at the same time be like this is how he sits like if we're in your living room watching something i'm not sitting on it i'm sitting on the arm like this sitting on the arm of the couch just balancing both feet on the arm. Or I'm laying down like on the back of the couch. Your boy sits like a cat. But what's yours? What's your beige flag? Let's hear it.

I love you, Milky Boy. Okay, so beige flag time. It's going to be whenever abroad is like, I don't know animal i'm like okay chill out okay jessica you're talking about melissa mccarthy playing a multi-millionaire in the boss okay that's not you baby girl that's not you you live at home with your parents in a trailer park hypothetically that's you know you know what i mean that like you're gonna be like that's my spirit animal it's like okay that's literally a hummingbird in central park that is not your spirit animal okay

that's a bird you're a human i don't know why that's always kind of irritates me but it's not like it's not breakup material but it's damn near close you know so that's what I got for you, man. Hope you have a great day. Ta-ha. Fuck. I love a good ta-ha. Fuck. I hit one the other day. Ooh. Ooh, it felt good. Yeah, spirit animal talk.

I'm always like, no, it's not. What you think your spirit animal is is what you really want to be. And I wish my spirit animal, and you know what I want my spirit animal to be tim tebow that's my spirit animal i don't know who's my spirit who's my spirit animal she's my spirit animal i don't think a dude has ever said that really he's literally my spirit animal who you know who my spirit animal is brett farve just any quarterback my spirit animal doug flutie fuck it it's always it's the girl you like and she's like my spirit animals like seriously martha

stewart and it's the bitch you can't stand is always her spirit animal i'm like ah of course it's always the girl that you want to kill it's like oh that's your spirit animal fucking nicole richie or something just somebody that's just like so annoying that's who you want to be? You know what I mean? Just anybody that you're just, just no one,

no one's ever, that's a great spirit animal. No, it's always somebody you want to kill. I get that. It's kind of fun talking to spirit animals because you can actually like figure out somebody a little bit. But yeah, too much spirit animal talk.

And I'm like, get out of here. You know the internet too much. When like a whole girl's personality, this might be, this is actually a beige flag. When a girl's whole personality is like TikTok slang, you know, there's a girl that I hang out with sometimes and everything she says is from the internet and i'm like god that's annoying but it also works i'm like

it's just like you know like a really good tiktok comment she'll like take that and store it in her brain and spit that shit out like at the it's always good timing and it's always pretty funny but i'm like i read that in the tiktok comments like you you didn't think of that comeback like you say something she's like retweet i'm like thank you but like you didn't think of something on your own people with all t. He got that dog in him. TikTok language. Like it makes sense, but at the same time, you're like, please come up with something yourself. Let's keep going. Okay. I'm sick. So I'm nasally, but don't come on here and talk. If you're sick i only want sexy sick voice for the rest of the

time i need to leave a voice message on the espresso podcast but i'm not sick guess you gotta go to the train station and lick all the handles it's been like an ongoing trend for years like i think it's pushing like 10 now that all my boyfriends and I have a very diverse group of ex-boyfriends like I have no type really but they all they love anime like I don't know why I guess I attract like dorks secret dorks you wouldn't think that they were like anime lovers but yeah to me that's weird but it's doable whatever i'll go to comic con with them no but see like with me i i own horses like not just one i own like multiple i'm the red flag in the relationship so i feel like if they can handle that then i can handle anime i think anime world is so weird i don't get it are you watching cartoons

when anime i don't know if it first was pokemon the first anime i'm confused on what anime is is it just like chinese uh like cartoons i don't know i think that might be a red flag for me if i dated a girl that really liked anime i'd be like what the fuck is going on with you for what oh but you have a tattoo sleeve you have black hair you get spray tins and your parents are divorced yeah let's go but it's not just anime like it's like the marvel the dc oh that's me like this stupid really bad sci-fi movies it's like all of that is that genre i don't know what you call all that but that's that's what they all have in common they

all like that type of stuff it's okay though i'm here for it no you're not you're so not nobody is i just found out i was so fucking nerdy for like in Marvel stuff like this past year. It's not nerdy. It's just the only thing I've ever watched. And I was like, okay, fine. I just want like 18 days straight. I just watched a Marvel movie. And I was like, I guess I like this shit.

It's just people that aren't going to grow up. That's who likes it. The only reason I like Marvel stuff is because that's what i watched when i was a kid was just superhero shit so you like guy i mean every guy's so immature and that's really never gonna change whoops yeah but you throw a fucking marvel movie on let's talk i swear to god it was so cringy girl i used to date i think she hated that about me we never talked about it but uh bro one time she took me to a marvel movie like on some surprise shit and in in my head the whole time i was just like fuck she hates this shit

like i was like you sure you want to do this i said that like four times before because i was like dude i'm the guy that has to make every that has to make sure everybody's happy I don't know why it's like my birthday somebody's trying to surprise me takes me to a restaurant I'm like but is this where you want to go I don't know what that is but the whole entire movie i was like trying to fake sick and shit let's keep going for when i get really comfortable with a guy sometimes i act like a baby like i do the baby voice with them and like baby eyes and uh i feel like that's just beige if you're in a relationship and you haven't had baby voice you're not in a relationship

how about having to do baby voice like when your boys are around is that the craziest shit all right hold on guys i gotta that's why i disappear every time somebody calls me i walk away because i just turn into baby voice doesn't matter who's on the other side my dad i'm like hi what are we doing tonight night a guy i feel like a beige flag is burping like i don't really care it's just kind of there they're gonna burp it's not a green it's not a red also like i could even say farting like any anything like that it's okay to burp like loud or like to suppress it which one are we doing burping loud sometimes it's like damn dog nine out of ten that was fire but when you suppress it and you're like that's disgusting smell my body hair

that's me every burp but then some people are just like it's always girls that burp the most anyway that's beige for me but if a girl's just out here ripping ass that's red girls burping oh i'm like okay baby talk i think if a girl did baby talk to me i would like it because i'm three no it's... It means they're comfortable. I like that. I like that feeling.

I'm like, oh, you're doing baby talk. Oh, I've only known you for 48 hours. Well, I guess I'm doing baby talk too. Bro, one time my friend heard me doing baby talk. The look he gave me. He looked at me and goes, is that you talking like that? I go, oh my God. I go, nah, bro bro i was just kidding around the only dude and but then you end up doing baby talk too much

and like every time you see your girl you're doing baby talk in the car baby talk that becomes your whole personality. And then you break up with Aaron and you're like, holy fuck, we baby talked. Let's keep going. Okay, so I have two beige flags. My first one is that I'm constantly asking, did I already tell you about? Did she record this and then play it into the she recorded this on a tape cassette thing like a movie spy whatever it was because i can never remember who i tell what to because i just get really excited and want to tell

everybody like anything that's even remotely cool to me which is basically everything um so i don't want to sound stupid and repeat myself so i'm gonna just constantly ask you did i already tell you about it my second one is so big if i'm dating somebody and i am looking at them all the time they might think it's cute but in reality i'm only looking at them to see if there's a pimple that i can pop oh she's a zit popper that might be that might be one of mine too i will pop all the zits i don't care if you have 46 zits on your back i'm going in i don't know why i like it i just i gotta get i gotta get him out and i'll tell you too that might be my beige how many times have i said that might be my beige flag i'll tell you if you got something

fucked up on your face i don't is that a red flag if i'm like yeah you got like i'm not just gonna let let you chill with me when you have a zit on your head even though it's embarrassing to like tell your girl like hey you got a zit like i didn't mean to hurt your feelings but i don't want you walking around with a zit on your face you're like you know we're in this bitch together you can't be zit girl all of a sudden do your girlfriend had a huge zit on her face if somebody told me that i'd fucking i'd never come out of my room that girl is he dating that girl with the zit what was the first one okay so i have two oh fuck okay so i have two beige flags my first one is that oh she tells everybody everything i mean i think everybody does that

but when you come across a girl like i've i've talked to a girl before that she'll say something to me and i'll be like all right yeah for sure and she must tell 80 000 other people because then the next day she'll say the exact same thing to me and i'm like are you fucking serious we talked about this for six hours the other day that shit might be red that's red but close let's keep going so my beige flag well i'm into dudes that go to the gym like all the time and when i tell them that i work out from home it turns into this like 20 minute plus conversation on why i should go to the gym. Like, I get it. I do. I get it. But at the same time, shut up, smile, and flex your bicep.

Thank you. Ha ha, fuck. Wait, wait, wait. So she works out at home and then people, wait, hold on. So my beige flag, well, I'm into that I go to the gym like all the time. And when I tell them that I work out from home, it turns into this like 20 minute plus conversation on why I should go to the gym. Like, I get it. I do.

I get it. But. So her beige flag is working out from home i i just i'm so fucking jealous of people that can work out at home i tried it for two weeks i was like dude i can't i can't just be doing step ups by the toaster how do you guys do that i'll lay the i have laid down like a yoga mat in my room and done some yoga but like that's as far as i'm going if i'm lifting weights in my apartment bro i will put a fucking dumbbell through like the kitchen sink

i'm trying to yeah it's pretty beige it's like she works out hard at home it's like hmm why doesn't she just go though why doesn't she go she wants to save money actually i i actually salute salute girly because do the people at the gym make me want to die you ever go to the gym walk in the gym see one person you just fucking hate and walk right back out i'm not working out today why because everybody was pissing me off do people at the gym know how annoying they are there needs to be like a oh there needs to be a gym etiquette class and there's only one bullet point on the board i'm the teacher mr pizza one bullet point on the board gym at gym 101 everybody shut the fuck up forever that's the rule no fucking talky no hey bro uh shut up i wish people would just have blinders on too i wish everybody

in the gym had those grandma sunglasses on you know those grandma sunglasses that look like uh they look like those new that new apple vision thing that just dropped big grandmas have the biggest sunglasses ever i'm like damn what happens when you take those are you cyclops dc movie marvel movie reference grandma's wearing big sunglasses grandma's big sunglasses that's what people should don't look at me don't talk to me if you check me out i will slap the shit out of you that's the gym rules oh my god has it in like sometimes when you go to go to the gym i go to like a smaller gym and it's just like six people that you're like can there be like a

more of a random group of people in here and there's one there's always one guy that's like at the gym there's always one guy that's like making too many noises i'm like how do you politely tell this guy that he's like a little bit benching and shit he's like oh i'm like do you have to everybody can hear and there's always guy that's like singing to parts of the rap songs. Like out loud. Got me in a trench. Rax it. DJ, turn me up.

Ladies, it's your jam. Come on. I'm'ma sing out loud So you guys think I have a problem What's up bro Can't stand it So yeah that's why I would work out in my living room Beige Bad and beige-y

Let's keep going my beige flag is that i love hitting on straight guys thank you bro because do you know what that does to a straight guy? I've never got a compliment that good in my life. No girl has ever complimented me like a gay man has. Oh. It's so, when gay guys compliment you, it's so like, guys compliment you it's so like i'm like damn and i'm not even and you know i'm not so you're just being nice like that what did what did dude say to me he liked my dude all fucking crumble to the ground and it means more to coming from a guy

you're like oh shit you actually mean that girls girls i'm like what what what's what scam is going on here what are you trying to what are you trying to get me into what are you trying to loop me into sis when a guy compliments you you're like that was from the heart dog i don't even care if it's pride month get over here somebody gets some some this gay man came up to me and goes he was watching me for a second we're at a we're at like a restaurant he goes you're so good at getting out of conversations i was like oh hallelujah i love you hallelujah hallelujah and i needed that i needed to know that about myself oh and they make you feel so good

I needed to know that about myself oh man they make you feel so good nothing feels better than a gay man compliment black guy compliment right up there too those are top tier getting called the n-word by a group of black people i'm like i'm good bro this is all i need forever i don't need anything else from anybody this was all the christmases right here you saying that this group of girls we were cat calling the other day this group of girls benedict mon i was like did you guys hear that I was like, did you guys hear that? Nothing better.

That'll change your whole day around. Damn. Call me at every morning. Nah, but yeah, black person compliment, gay person compliment. Nothing means more. I will walk into a gay club just to fucking, just rain it. Make it rain, zaddy. You could change me.

You could change me to be gay for like 24 hours if you tell me my hair looks good. And I'm like, I got a hair transplant. i couldn't even tell i'd be like i love it let's keep going so my beige flag is shaving my entire body yeah and all yeah i do it because i go to the gym and i found out that bodybuilders do it to look more jacked so obviously had to hop on that trend um i also it just makes me feel a lot cleaner, but the only downside is if anybody ever wants to cuddle with me, it's like cuddling with a hairless cat and shaving your legs really sucks. I don't know how you girls do it all the time because like at first it's like awesome and like really smooth, but then like by the next day you're just itching like crazy you ever see a girl shave their legs terrifying girls do shit like monsters girls peeing i'm like right when they go in the bathroom i have to go be

i'm like jeez turn off the hose! Did somebody uncork a fire hydrant in there? Crazy. Like, we can all hear that. Girls peeing, we can hear it. Girls shaving their legs is just, it's gotta be the craziest shit I've ever, I've ever seen in my life.

Girls shaving their legs. Especially this part. They're like... Not one cut. I'm like, oh! How'd you do it? Amazing. Dude, you do? Amazing. Dude, girls do shit violently.

I guess you have to do it every day. So you're like used to it, but fuck. I shave my body too. Every second. I've always shaved my body. Have to. It was like when I was watching a college football game when I was a little kid.

And they're like, one fun fact about this guy he is the one of the highly draftable prospects will go first round next year and uh something that no one knows about this guy he shaves his body before every game and i was like oh that's? I'm doing that shit. I was in fourth grade. Shaved my entire body. Because, like, there are razors all over our house. I lived in a house full of girls. All there was was Venus. I'm your Venus.

Everywhere I turned, I'm your fire. Shave your body, young boy. I'd be like, okay. One day, my bitch ass just shaved my legs and arms i was so slick dude shaved my butt everything i was the smoothest piece of shit in the midwest running around the backyard silky dude my shorts i'll never forget that feeling i felt like a goddess i'm your Venus. Until the next day I had football practice and I just had to like face 40 dudes and I was hairless. Oh my God. I never, I was so fucking silky, dudeky dude i was like what if it felt the sweat was just

running down to my socks silky as shit felt so weird but so good at the same time i don't shave like that anymore i'll trim it up i'll take a. I'll take a, I'll go one all over. I'll go one all over. I'm not scared. Armpit hair, armpit check. It's a one. Dude,

guys that don't shave their armpits, what are you doing? Have you seen a guy and then he raises his arm and he has like super long armpit hair? I'm like, you don't see it?

And there's always deodorant like caked up on it. I'm like, you don't see it. And there's always deodorant like caked up on it. I'm like, who's has anyone looked at you? Have you looked at yourself in months? Years. Bro, your armpit hair is too long. I mean, that's my new merch. Your armpit hair is too long.

Let's keep going. Fuck. All right. My base flag is that I will take my pants completely off when I'm taking a shit. Doesn't matter if it's in public or in private. I tried it one time because I heard about it. And I'm never going back shit fuck so when he goes uh wait even in public you're out here you're out here dropping

i get it though because because I got to have a wide... When I'm dropping deuce, I got to be... My legs are like this. I'm pretty much doing the splits when I'm taking a shit. Even wider... Dude, this is my routine. I'll take one leg out of my pants. You'll always know, fellas. If you walk into the bathroom and you see a guy with his pants just around one

ankle and the other, other foot, just Lucy goosey kind of halfway in the shoe. It's me. I haven't taken a crap with my pants around my ankles for centuries. I think it's kind of archaic. Honestly, you're shitting with your pants around your ankles.

Did you find... Did you slay the first T-Rex? Did you invent fire? You live in a hut? You gotta let them... I don't know, man. I think you have to wipe a lot more when your knees are real close together like that. I think it's so weird, but taking them off completely. I get that when you're at home, but in public,

well, in public, you just got to go one skis on them. Just one ankle, one ankle gods. Where are we at? Is that a thing? Espresso pod. Are we are we how we shitting next week question how we shitting how do you shit for me that's it it's a wrap that's the pod beige flag a lot of them were beige. A lot of them were beige. I think I might have to work out at home now. Dude, I fucking hate people in the gym.

That might have been the best one. But, um, hey, Patreon, $5 a month for an extra episode every Sunday in a live stream. Join that shit. I got some big news coming up. Shows. Maybe I some big news coming up. Shows. Maybe I'm coming to your city. But I'll talk to you guys next week.

Love you. See you next time. All right, fam.