Espresso - what's your biggest L❓

Episode Date: January 13, 2022

👕 🔥 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 𝗜𝗦 𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗘!🔥 🧢 ↓ buy some shit ;) influencedby.co/collections/ben-polizzi 🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻𝗹𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben answers the Espresso Question of the week: what's the biggest L you've taken? (like: getting catfished and still having sex with the person who catfished you) 86 NEWS reports on a woman who quit her job to act like a puppy full time, Ben explains why leaving a voicemail is the hardest thing to do in human history, he remembers the moment he realized PALL MALL is pronounced PELL MELL, he sends the man who named all sandwiches to hell and comes to conclusion that fig newtons are the cousins pop tarts don't want to see at christmas 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Espresso podcast, shot 193. We're back, espressos. Thought this song was going to be more intense. Shot 193. Yeah. That's right. Listen up, folks. Shot 193 Yeah That's right Listen up folks This is how it's done

On the piano Yeah, that's right I'm your music teacher My name Mr. Pizza Back at it again Sing to you That's right

Fuck Winnie the Pooh I said it Never liked that cartoon Piglet Looked like a little bitch I'm still talking about Winnie the Pooh If you watched that cartoon Fuck you

Yeah I don't think my parents let me watch that because even they knew it was so goddamn lame. That's right. Winnie the Pooh had a crop top on. He went commando. That bear was a little f***ing hoe. That's right. And Eeyore, don't get me started.

I think he was... We'll save that for later. Come on. What's up? Shot 193. What's up, fam? We're back for another week. I told you we'll be back.

What's good? We got merch out. Grab a Johnson shirt. Grab a Johnson hoodie. Get an Indiana Land hoodie. We're going to come out with some new stuff, too. The Aniland Hoodie. We're going to come out with some new stuff, too.

I'll keep you posted on my Instagram and Twitter and everything like that. But get some merch. Get a Glonky hat. It'll be a prifon. But we got a deep show. Good question of the week. We're going to get to that in a second, but first I have a little news. This is Johnson. In entertainment, a viral video has the internet going berserk. A woman who quit her job to act like a puppy full time has gone viral for getting in a fight with another woman who

was also acting like a dog. And ladies and gentlemen, that is what we like to call a bitch fight. Oh, God. Come on. Okay. Okay. Okay. Both women's blood was actually taken to see if they had actual dog genes in their DNA. And we will reveal the results once we get them back from the lab.

The winner of the fight will face a bigger opponent next week, and her name is Clifford. Okay, I'll stop. I'll stop. In all seriousness, though, the law enforcement checked if the puppies were intoxicated during this altercation, and their IDs stated they were both 21 and dog years. and their IDs stated they were both 21. And dog ears. The police actually shouted to each dog,

Tell us how many drinks you've had. And the woman responded, Okay. Nine. K Nine Oh, wait 86, dude And Johnson Those two ladies were having a rough day. Okay, okay.

What's up, fam? Let's get to the question of the week. Espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. This week it's what's the biggest L you've ever taken? For me, I said it on Instagram oh I was with this girl and she was laying down and I was trying to be flirty and I jumped on her like not like hardcore well maybe a little bit but it was like gonna be okay you know it wasn't gonna oh my god you're gonna say that would have hurt no it wasn't like that. I would like near her.

And right when I landed my jump, I ripped ass all over her back. Dude, I think I was speechless for like, I don't think I ever talked to her again. That's how you break the ice. That's how you cut the cheese. No, but I, yeah, I couldn't play that off. But let's see what break the ice. That's how you cut the cheese. No, but I couldn't play that off. But let's see what the fam said. Espresso question of the week. What's the biggest L you've ever taken?

Colton Dover. My dog. South Bend comedian. What's the biggest L you've ever taken? What is up Johnson so the biggest L I ever took was last summer I went to

McDonald's in a drive-thru and I was leaving the drive-thru and as I was leaving the drive-thru I saw these two women just when they were done with their food and their McDonald's they just threw their trash on the ground they just threw the trash on the ground very disrespectful they littered and they shouldn't be doing that and i and we were leaving like the parking lot and i

rolled down the window and i said throw away your trash like i yelled at them throw away your trash but i was also rolling out of the window because i had to throw away my trash by the trash can and i said throw away your trash to them and right after i yelled at them i threw my trash to the trash can and i missed i missed the trash can completely making it look like i littered and everyone in the car and the women that i yelled at all laughed at me, all laughed at me, and I felt so embarrassed, and I took the biggest L I ever did that day, and I felt like a fucking loser. I felt like a piece of shit, and to this day, I still feel that gigantic capitalized L on my chest.

First L was going to McDonald's. Who's still going? Who's buying this? But, uh, yeah, man, anytime I try to talk shit or try to be cool in any situation like that, actually, anytime I roll down my window, already fucked up. If you try to roll down your window to say something to anybody, you already fucked up. Cause you know roll down your window to say something to anybody you already fucked up because you know what you're gonna do the first thing you do you're gonna hit the roll down well it's gonna roll down the back passenger window you're gonna be like all right well this uh this is a this vibe is already killed and then uh and then my this actually happened to me one time i was in the car with my mom somebody littereded in front of us. My mom got so shitty just like this.

Dude, she went to unroll the window and yell at him, but she rolled the window up too quick, so her nose and lips got caught in it. She was like, hey, stay still! I was like, why didn't you time that out? She got cold feet when she was yelling. She rolled the window up too quick, and her whole entire fucking head got caught in it.

I was like, all right, let's go. Hey, Mayo, Mayo, Maine. What's the biggest L you've ever taken?

What's the biggest L you've taken for me? One time I was at this club, Doc Howard's, which is like everybody's first club here because they'll let you in when you're 18 and it's only like a $90 cover charge

so you know it's a good deal and then later you realize how shitty the place was 90? and yeah Doc Howard's was that place you know I don't know what Doc specialized in but if I had to guess, I would say alcohology. I think you passed the bar.

So I was talking to this girl and you can at least tell if somebody is interested in you personally, like even if they're not attracted like you can tell when they at least don't hate your guts well after about 10-15 minutes you know everything seemed to be going well uh you know she was engaging she was laughing at all the right times nice that's big so i asked for her number and when i asked for her number she said uh no and gave me a dirty look i have no idea why i mean she's allowed to decline, but I don't know why he would be cool with somebody talking to them, laughing, and then flip the fuck out if they ask to keep communicating with you in some way at some other time. So, yeah, that was really strange and didn't make sense to me who just says no it is the hardest thing in the world to just hey can i have your people are still asking for

numbers what a violation of all privacy when somebody calls me instead of text me that i don't like actually know i'm like who do you think you are my dad doesn't even call me anytime I text anytime I need to call anyone in my fam immediate family I text them first I'm like can I call you and they'll probably say no and then we just never talk it's like an emergency for my emergency, I don't put anybody in my family. They're not fucking picking up, dude. No. But when somebody's like, hey, can I have your number?

You don't say no. What? This girl's like straight up. She's cutthroat. She just said no. I could never say no. I'm always like, I have a girlfriend. They're like, oh.

That's just what you do. You say you have a girlfriend they're like oh that's just that's just what you do you say you have a girlfriend or boyfriend yeah she's laughing at you the whole day people that laugh at the wrong times you ever talk to somebody that laughs at the wrong time of what you're saying or they're just like not on beat i'm like are you drunk justin meisen that's the biggest L you've ever taken. I drove a girl that I was hooking up with and this other dude to some other house, and she ended up sleeping with him. Biggest L.

Hold on, dude. Wait, hold on. There's a part two. Was not hooking up with the dude. He just was in the car yeah yeah yeah okay I drove a girl that I was hooking up with and this other dude

to some other house and she ended up sleeping with him biggest L oh shit I love it he had to clarify was not hooking up with the dude Biggest L Oh shit I love it He had to clarify Cause we were all thinking

Was not hooking up with the dude We were all thinking He just was in the car That just means you were If you would have left it It would have been perfectly fine Yeah that sucks homie Sometimes you gotta

You gotta pick your friends That's coming on those little adventures with you wisely Cause that dude can straight Mr. St- Right when he got in the car Sometimes you gotta pick your friends that's coming on those little adventures with you wisely. Because that dude can straight... Mr. Steel... Right when he got in the car. It's Mr. Steel Yoga. Yeah! Hey, how you doing?

Yeah, nice to meet you. Alright, here we go. We'll keep going. It's Mr. Steel Gala. Jordan Cinta. Cinta, baby. What's your biggest L? I got two L's.

I'd say physically one would be pissing the bed in a girl's bed after going out. That was really tough. Oh, I think I did that. Number two would be my buddy and i used to power wash and stain decks so i left this guy a voicemail that's my job my stepdad originally built his deck and i left him a voicemail i said hey richard uh this is jordan here my stepdad stained your dick and i got i just froze up i didn't know what to do. So instead of pressing, I think you could press zero to redo a voicemail. Instead of doing that, I just said, all right, give me a call back and hung up.

So that was probably my biggest vocal L, if you will. Dude, leaving a voicemail? Got to be the top five hardest things you've ever done in your life. I can't leave a voicemail unless I write it all down in like a notebook from seventh grade and then like recite it. And it's still, I still mess up a word. I had to leave a voicemail to this girl I was dating in eighth grade. My first voicemail, of course it was to a girl that's like super, like, that's like the most resting bitch face of all time girl. And I'm like, so I say the whole thing. I start freestyling at the end.

I'm like, this is where it happens. This is where it happens. And I kill it. I'm crushing it. I'm crushing it all the way to the end. Instead of saying bye, I go, all right, well, I'll talk to you later, Ben. I said my damn name instead of bye. All right, good, Ben.

I was like, maybe she just like, hopefully she like just ended the call before that part happened. But he said, I stained your dick. Is there a more guy job than staining and power washing decks? I want to do that for the rest of my life. Work in a toll booth from 9 a.m to 3 p.m stained decks from 3 to 7

don't talk to anybody all day on my resume emily booer what's your biggest l my biggest l is a complete no-brainer. When I was in college, I went on a weekend retreat. I was trying to impress this guy that I had a thing for, and there was a trampoline. You see this going south already, don't you? I tried to do a backflip, under-rotated, caught myself, and completely ruptured a ligament that holds my collarbone in place.

So I'm sitting there wounded and the worst part is he bounded up fully ready to like carry me off into the sunset and nurse me back to health and i was too proud and brave so i was just like no no i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine clearly not fine and um i walked out of there like a brave little soldier with no functional right arm and no man. Dude, that's an L. It's always when you're doing something in front of a girl or a dude that you like. The amount of times I've like tore my ACL in front of a girl. I tried to go after a loose ball in an intramural game.

Tore my MCL because the girl was there. If the girl wasn't there, I might not have even played. What? You've never gone harder. You've never gone harder unless somebody you like is there. That's the only way I'll try. You've never gone harder unless somebody you like is there. That's the only way I'll try. But seriously, so she just had a right arm.

That didn't work. Yeah, I get that. I'm surprised you didn't play crack the egg or something. You just went right into the backflip. You got to practice a backflip a little bit on a trampoline. There's like physics and shit on a trampoline. I still don't have my backflip down.

Yeah, if I were you, I would've gone crack the egg. See if you can crack the egg. I'll be the egg. Crack me. Crack the egg's also not a very safe thing to do either. You ever get flipped upside down during crack the egg And you're like I'm gonna crack my fucking vertebrae And then you accidentally knee yourself in the teeth

And you're like Anyway Daniel Arrico What's your biggest L? Biggest L I've ever taken Hands hands down, 2019, sophomore in high school. I got nervous around this girl that I really liked and had a huge crush on, and I was talking to her in the hallway, and I spit my gum at her on purpose as a joke,

and it landed in her hair. She got pissed, told the whole school in like four people wanted to fight me biggest l i've ever taken hands down 2019 high school i need this soundbite for good new i'm bringing text tones back Listen I'm bringing Weez Last back Yeah Yeah you spit your gum at a girl that you liked

What's a dumb thing that I've I do that shit all the time I take a risk all the time. Anytime there's a girl I kind of like, I take a risk and I'm like, maybe, and it all, it never works. And you got your ass whooped for it. Well, there's not been one time where do you do something like guyish like that? Anytime you spit around any girl, it's like automatic disqualification from all events you ever like just like you know guys just naturally like spit i spit all the time dude i i was like raised to spit when you play sports you just guys just spit if you're a baseball dude

though that's a whole different spit those it's like Baseball players spit they spit like little sunflower seeds out and shit. I'm like how are you doing that? How much practice did you have? Or all like I kind of think like my breath smells so I like try to like spit it out Anytime you do that around a girl. Oh Like I couldn't like could have had a mouthful of blood if I would have spit that. Oh! I could have eaten like a fucking toxic berry off of a tree like a deer. Just don't.

Oh! Like how? When is it acceptable? Kyle Gray. What's the biggest L you've ever taken biggest l ever taken back uh i think it was seventh grade maybe eighth grade i got a call down to the principal's office and got uh like a week's detention because i used my uh school email to make a Pornhub premium account. And I guess they were tracking it.

They dragged me down, made me delete the account and everything, emailed my parents, had a big meeting. It was fucking terrible. Oh. Pornhub premium, bro. Do you know you don't need to pay for porn? Who's paying for porn? who's paying for porn who's paying for porn you got a problem who's paying for porn i can watch porn for free on twitter and you got a

premium account dude jerk off normally Use your imagination please Oh shit That's the worst big meeting ever With the dean I never think they're gonna check either Like when you're using your work email And your email and doing all that shit on a work computer I'm like who's checking

Who's checking And why is it always Urban D urban dictionary that gets like flagged the most why am I always trying to go to urban dictionary.com when I'm on uh like at work I just got another new fucking slang it's always like with this well this website is not approved by your company I'm like urban dictionary Dictionary? Okay. Yeah, one time I did some, I don't know. I think I looked up like, you know, like at the bottom of websites, there's like those ads that like know you.

They're so good. Whoever makes those ads at the bottom of websites that are like, they're all like subliminal messages and shit. The pictures always look like an ass, and you look at it again, and it's like a peach. You're like, they get me every time. One time I clicked on one. Of course, it was a sex doll. This sex doll is almost real. I clicked on it.

I forgot I was at work. I clicked on it. I was like, ah! Back to, ah! Cleared my history. They never said shit, but I got fired the next week for like some weird reason. Bleh. Trevor Lau! What's the biggest L you've ever taken?

Who's buying this? Anyway, one time I brought this drunk girl home and she puked all over my bed. Like everywhere. Like... A lot of puke. It was awful. Girls puking on beds. Is there any other place you guys do it? Got one more one time? I met up with this tinder chicken that turned out to be a whole different girl than who was on the tinder profile Still fucked her, but hey, I took the L

Shit you're the same guy who had the porno premium dude. Totally different girl. Works for me. Oh shit. All right, here we go. One more shy. God damn it. What's the biggest L you've ever taken? Hey Ben, I hope you're doing amazing um my biggest l is more of a continuous l for me um it's online shopping for my clothes and shoes if something doesn't fit i'm too lazy to go through the whole theatrics of taking it back no chance i will either give it to my friends or just throw it away that's the move yep that's my biggest l this hey been in the beginning those just sound like every like mom i've ever oh wait this is every like receptionist when i walk in

for an appointment for something hey ben yeah you don't return stuff are you kidding me especially stuff you buy online if i buy something online and i get a size large and it comes to me and it's a youth large i'm like all right my cousin's getting something just how it goes i can't even be bothered with uh shipping and handling and shit no nope all right that's the espresso quick quick quick question of the Week. Now let's go viral. Apparently. But first, the Espresso Podcast brought to you by Wave 1 Media.

If you want to start your own show, visit thewave1.com. Viral. Viral's a segment where I take the most popular hashtags on the internet and just talk about them for a little bit. Not a lot, baby girl. Just a little bit. Hashtag words that should leave. Words that should leave. Words that should leave. For the longest time of my life, I thought, uh, I thought Pell Mall cigarettes were Paul

Mall. And I got roasted by my mom. Me and my mom were driving behind my uncle. We were following him somewhere i can remember i was a little ass kid and his license plate said paul mall and i was like mom why is why is uncle dave's license plate say paul mall and she's like it's pell mell like it was like like i like it was like chevrolet like i used to call to call Chevrolet Chevrolet because why wouldn't you? My mom's like it's pell-mell Benny. She like got offended. I was like I think the bigger issue is that it's on that's on his license plate

How addicting are cigarettes that you walk into a DMV and you're like, all right I know what I want. It takes me like four and a half years to caption a picture on Instagram. Imagine just like knowing so hardcore. You want that on your car? Pell-mell. Hashtag, I knew I was overcharged. Every single time I, every, Whole Foods. There's a piece of salmon at Whole Foods for $22.

Piece of salmon. $22. Still bought it. No, but that hot bar shit At Whole Foods That's the best like That's the best like buffet ever I talk so much shit about buffets And I'm like I'm getting a hot bar For the fourth day in a row

I just thought it was the same price This is me being the dumbest piece of shit I just thought it was the same price Like you just fill up the box and it's like 12 bucks. Dude, I filled that mother. I filled that. I put meatballs in there. I was putting the heaviest foods in there.

Packing it in. Like, it was one of those, like, super shopper cart things. Whatever you put in your cart is 50% off on this saturday i thought it was like that for whole foods hot bar i was packing my shit thick everything in there dude meatballs chicken just the this the heartiest ass box of food you ever heard if i dropped it it'd be like it was like 78 bucks i was like well not returning it i'll take it that's an l actually hashtag outlandish requests hashtag outlandish requests Hashtag outlandish requests When somebody I think it's insane

When somebody asks you to jump your Hey will you help me jump my car I'm like No They just look at you like I'm like it's your car It's not my fault Dude people get me on that shit all the time

Homeless people I told I denied this homeless guy And he goes I was like What the fuck Sorry you want free money I was like, what the fuck? Sorry you want free money.

You want free money for no reason. You want free money? I was a bitch at the beginning. When I first moved to downtown, I'd give every homeless guy money. What? Now I can't stand it. I see a homeless guy, I'm like, no! I don't give a shit.

Can't. I can't stand it. Every second, same guy. Hey, oh, sir! Oh, my God. No! No, last time this, then they're always like Like dude What do you think this is

I don't even have money Alright let's do days of the week Not that I care or anything I don't care that much about it Alright let's do days of the week Da da da da Days of the week Thursday

National kiss a ginger day Duh, duh, duh. Days of the week. Thursday. National Kiss a Ginger Day. People with red hair, they're the wave now. They are. It used to be like almost, it used to be like people were like prejudiced against people with red hair. Remember the kid with red hair in your grade? Like why was that such a thing? How come like every villain in every movie has red hair Remember the kid with red hair in your grade Like why was that such a thing How come like every villain in every movie Has red hair too and you're like

But every kid with red hair Everybody was like no don't treat him fairly Mm-mm Too many freckles and red hair What a weird thing But now they're hot Congrats You outlived the curse Now they're hot. Congrats. You outlived the curse.

Now you're hot. Girls with red hair are a whole thing. Dudes with red hair, not looking too bad. When you guys get tan, I'm like, eh. All right. Looks like you got dunked into a vat of like Whatever the Joker landed in To get all fucked up But you look good

Somehow National Hot pastrami sandwich day There's just Whoever Whoever named all the sandwiches Can we just narrow it down Whoever named all the sandwiches can we just narrow it down

whoever named all the sandwiches the man is a person I hate grinder hoagie hero Ruben what's the one that's like stacked up there's a gross one there's a the king of all gross sandwich words. It's gross, man. Dagwood? Oh! This is the... Why? Look up a picture of a dagwood. Oh, I can't believe I keep saying it.

What's up, dag? It's like the sandwich that Shaggy eats on Scooby-Doo. It's like 10 feet tall. Oh, who named it that? That dude was on one and they just approved it? Yeah, it's fine. What do you want to name it? Something random that sounds like a tree you'd find out in Seattle or something? That works. Saturday. National Bagel Day.

I heard this the other day. People in Michigan call bagels bagels. Bagels are so good I can't even be around them anymore. Can't do it. I can't even look at them. Bagels are almost better than donuts at this point. Donuts, I can't even eat donuts anymore because I feel like a piece of shit human after I eat a donut.

If I'm eating a donut, I have to eat it right before I go to sleep. So my body can just like call the troops on it and when I wake up I'm like ah I wake up sweating and shit I wake up like I had the worst nightmare of my life but it's really my stomach just trying to digest a donut I always felt that way too it's not like because I'm older it's always been like that like when I was a kid and I had a donut still felt like shit i was seven eating long johns running around and shit throwing up doesn't matter but if i see an everything bagel sitting on a plate in the break room just whispering to me hey

you remember me, yeah, I know you do, your mom used to get me all the time, back then I was too much for you, but now I think I'm exactly what you need, oh, this. What's that right over there? That's cream cheese. You probably shouldn't. But I know you want to. But it's okay. Yeah.

Oh, that's plastic silverware right there. Made it real easy for you, big guy. So just let me know if you want to talk later i'm like ah that's what happens every time i see a bagel they're so sexy blueberry blueberry bagels god it's so much bread just compacted together that's my dream come true those cinnamon oh the asiago cheese jalapeno bagels fuck off that's not a bagel bagels are stuff you can like eat a little bit in the morning that asiago cheese one from like einstein's that's a whole ass cheat meal Right there Cinnamon toast crunch joint That's a donut

Everything bagel is like the farthest you can go with a bagel Without crossing into like Crossing into like Shit you gave up for New Year's territory Sunday National Fig Newton Day I don't really hate Fig Newtons as much as everybody else

But like how are those still in business With that weird Jelly on the inside of them just for nothing Actually I could smash Actually you know what I'd be down for Like a homemade Fig Newton. That was like, ew, what is it though? I will take out a whole row of Fig Newtons

just because they look like the outside. But like, I would never buy them. They're just like weirdly at somebody's house and you're like, yeah. A homemade Fig Newton might slap because it's almost it's almost like a it's almost like a mini pop tart or am i just fat are fig newton's mini pop tarts are they cousins i think they're cousins fig newtons are like the pot like the cousins of Pop-Tarts that the Pop-Tarts don't really like.

They're like, we don't talk to that family. If they're going there for Christmas, we're not going. They are related for sure, though. Fig Newton Day. Do they have different... I think my grandparents always had them, And I would just take out a row Just cause it was the only thing they had at their house I'd be like

Alright fam Alright fig That's the pod Shot 193 Thanks for listening Join the Patreon for an extra episode every week. We got behind the scenes. We got deleted stuff.

We got bloopers. I hate that word. But subscribe, rate, review the pod. Tell the homies. Get a cameo. Thank you so much, guys. Thanks for following on social media and stuff. It really means a lot.

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