Espresso - what's your bit?

Episode Date: April 30, 2026

Taking football snaps underneath the Home Depot screw aisle and stealing eight thousand raisins after falling for the rookie salt trick is just what happens when you commit to the bit. We are losing our minds over why you should offer chips and salsa at an Italian restaurant and how shimmying next to the hot girl to hold hands during the Our Father is the ultimate church flex. Stop acting like you do not spam Monster Mash seventeen times on the bar jukebox while secretly pretending to be a sex shop employee on phone calls with your boys.-------------------------------------------------Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗕𝗔𝗟𝗗"𝗮𝘁 𝗰𝗵𝗲𝗰𝗸𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝟱𝟬% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/-------------------------------------------------TIMESTAMP CHAPTERS0:00 - Intro4:01 - What is your bit7:54 - Screaming is that a beer9:46 - Blaming farts on the dog16:07 - Cracking on people with your boys19:44 - Public property fridge leftovers30:33 - Big shoes Kevin at the gym32:35 - Taking football snaps anywhere45:44 - The sex shop employee phone pitch50:26 - Chips and salsa at the Italian restaurant53:50 - Stealing raisins after the salt trick54:39 - Spamming Monster Mash on TouchTunes1:02:11 - Saying mine as well ironically1:13:16 - The McDonald's parfait calorie scam1:17:01 - Holding hands at Catholic church

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Spresso CooCooC question Of the week I like this right here I like this Mayback music Sexy question What's your bit What's your bit

the joke a little inside joke you know they're always so funny when you can get an inside oh my god it's kind of like I think I think

she's the one you know like she can joke around like this we have a joke how jealous are you when you're not in on that joke oh my god you and your homie

like in school he's got a joke with another friend you're like okay I guess you don't like me okay next level when he got a little bit. For me, me and my homie, every time he calls me,

got to pick up like I'm a hot girl. Got to say some hot girl stuff. Doesn't matter where I am, what I'm doing in a checkout line, in an elevator at church, got to pick up. And you just got to let it rip, no matter where you are,

who you're around. Does it matter? In an elevator with five people. Pick up the phone. Oh my God, I normally don't do stuff. stuff like this. Hello. Gotta run the bit.

Gotta run the bit. Got to hit it clean too. Another bit. Me and Logan. We go into drive-thrus at food places. Gotta crush the order. Gotta crush the order. No stumbling. No mumbling. Can't be rude. High.

Good attitude. High tempo the whole time. It's a fun. bit because like it's so easy to fall off when you're ordering something through a drive-thru or like stumble. I, I, it. But when you nail one, baby, ooh!

Didn't think you had that, huh? Didn't think I had that in my bag? It's a great feeling. I was doing it with phone calls with my friend Derek for a while. We'd be in the car, just chilling guy time in the car. My voice just cracked, gonna pretend that I didn't. had a stroke too. Gotta get him out.

Hey, you gotta get him out, babe. Guy time in the car for two hours on the way home from a show and like Dayton, Ohio or something, you know? Guy time in the car. One of the most relaxing, freeing moments of your life. What do you guys even talk about?

Just Indiana high school football for two hours. Who cares? Something. His girl calls unannounced. All right, bro. Let's see how you do. Got to crush.

the phone call. Bang, bang, answering questions being lovey-dovey. He's using boyfriend voice on the phone. I'm two inches away from him. That's what I'm talking about right there. Commit. Yeah, yeah, babe, yeah. Yeah, I'll get you something. Yeah.

That, and I'm in the car? Crushed it, A-plus phone call. The bits, babe. What are your bits? let's hear yours I can talk about this all day yo do you guys cooking up let's hear it

all right one bit that I do with my friends is whenever you hear a can open you say is that a beer like you hear is that a beer

and you got to like and you got to do quick and you got to be real intense no matter what situation is. If it's a, is that a beer situation or not? The best ones are when they're not. You do it.

The origin is basically one time I had like an energy drink and we were stepping out of the car at a party in the middle of the country and we are parked way far away. All we can hear is crickets. And I opened the can and a guy came out of nowhere. I sure is good that. You went, is that a beer? we didn't talk about it and then the next time that friend and I hung out

I opened something and they turned as quick as possible is that a beer? God damn it man and yeah I still do it I love this podcast you know that's your best friend forever too that a beer every time that a beer

that a beer me in my room I had this bit. We were on LaCroix forever. And he would open up the LaCroix so fast you couldn't even track it with your eyes. He'd have a lemon LeCroix. So quick.

Good bit. Every time you open a can, you do it that fast like you're a fiend. In public. Good bit, dude. Is that a beer? Oh, shit. Is this thing on?

Okay. Well, all right, I guess I got to submit another. one here are. So one bit that I have done with a girlfriend is that I blame my farts on the dog. It especially helps when they have a dog too. So there's two dogs all the time. Got to be the dog. And typically a dog is beside me.

So like it's really easy to do. And they don't know the difference, especially if it's silent. Like, because the far, dogs for all the time anyways. So it's like the perfect crimes. Yeah. But then one night, dude, like two years in, right? Like, I had her going. She bought it.

I swear she bought it every time. Two years in. It was middle of the night. And I have the loudest part I ever had about life. Like, it rumbled. Dude, the bed shook. It woke me up. I wasn't awake.

Like, it woke me up. and so I could deny it and I just had to accept that you know I blew the bit damn I really shit the bed

this guy clean voice messages painted the picture dude just a classic move farting in front of your girlfriend it's just so like I don't even know how to explain it. So risky, you know.

Is she going to hate me forever? What is she going to think when I fart? Am I a scumbag? Or am I a scumbag if I don't? Such a toss-up, bro. I've never been the fart relationship guy. Don't know when. Don't know how.

But it sounded like you had that dog in you. Oh, God. And it wasn't a dog. It was a hot dog. Oh, God. Come on, geez. Yeah. Blame it.

Dude, my dad used to do that. My dad used to run that bit on us. My dad would... God, this chair is so loud sometimes. It was the chair. Come on, B. It was the chair. You blow some a.

You blow some a. Blame it on a chair. Then you got to recreate the chair sound. See? See? Doesn't sound anything like it. It's like... The day.

I'm in a fart relationship. That's the girl I marry. If I can get there, I don't, I'll never get there, I don't think. The girl's got to do it first. Girls got to draw first blood. No doubt. If the girl raises a leg

around me and kind of laughs it off, oh baby, it's on. You don't want to wake up the echoes. But also kind of don't, I'm not ripping that much. It's all about it, dude, but I'm telling you, God, dang. When I, like, when I go crazy and I'm eating goop for a couple days,

you know what I'm talking about when you eat goop. Just straight goop. When I'm a goop dog, I'm raising legs. I'm the world's world's most disgusting person. If that happens, babe, watch out. It could be a reason for breaking up. But if I'm a locked in diet, bro, not really. Nothing really happened.

Guys got the tightest ass in the world. If you're locked in on your diet, this goes for everybody. You got the tightest ass in the world. You fart sounds like a whistle. I could call you over. If I'm locked in on my diet and I rip, 17 dogs come running over.

Did I hear a whistle? Did I hear a rippo? Did I rip a ripp? If 17 dogs come running over to me randomly, your boy's locked in. Tell you know, let's keep going. Okay, so I'm a veterinarian. I'm whispering right now because my kids are asleep and I'm trying to keep my voice down. I'm a veterinarian.

Real one. And my bit is when I see something on the schedule, like a French bulldog or a actual bulldog and they're having a problem with their skin, or their knees or their back. I'm like, dude, did you even fucking research what you were looking into and you got this fucking breed you're getting into

and either get pet insurance when they're a puppy or stop complaining that you're always here at the vet because they have a fucking problem. That's what I'm saying. I don't know if that's a bit, babe. I think that's real life. That's just real right there.

What about this? What about this? Hey, hot take, hot take, hot take. 97% of people that have dogs shouldn't have dogs. Maybe everybody that shouldn't have a dog has a dog. Right? The only people that should have dogs are the people that don't have dogs because they got it together.

They're like thinking right. any sense Oh wow Okay guys got it all together Oh he doesn't have a dog See that's a guy that should have a dog Guy with the dog Life is chaos

Life is worth the living What up So the bit I have my boys Stems back to high school Pretty much it's like black urban culture. I did go to school with some black kids. And, you know, we really started doing this, like, in the locker rooms and in sports. But, you know, all we did was just crack on people. And if you don't know that terminology, it just means to, like, make fun of somebody by calling them,

like, another famous person or, like, an object or, like, a music singer or, like, you know, a sports player. So it'd be like, you'd be out to do that. dinner and they'd be like an old blonde lady and you'd be like if you don't get out of here looking like john bon jovie or like you know you'd see like another black dude he'd be like if you don't get out of here looking like bimbo calls like you just find like funny sports players names and like you know they might not even really look like them you know you just say those random ass things or like you would even be like if you don't get out here with your square ass head looking like a a lampshade, just like the cracking on individuals.

John Bon Jovi. And anybody can get it. You could just be the nicest person in the world, or you could just be working somewhere. And low-key, me and my boys are still saying that behind your back. So those are the good old days, because now just me and my boys don't even see each other. And all we do is send memes to each other.

That's it, though. That's how you know your friends. If your friends are complaining about not seeing you enough, they are not your friend. Good friends might see you for two minutes, but also, I don't even want to see you for two minutes. I know about you, man.

We're good. You're my best friend. For how many years? Seven? That's it. That's enough friend time. Now we're just friends forever. We don't need to...

What's up, bro? Oh, God, I come on. Give me a hug. Send me a meme, and that's fine. I know you love me. Black bits hit different, though, man. Running bits with your black friends, that gets real. College roommate.

Black dude. Couldn't have asked for a better roommate. We had this bit where if I was carrying anything, no matter what, he was slapping it out of my hand. And I'd do the same to him. And we forgot so many times. Man, I'll never forget. I was the hungriest I've ever been in my life carrying a to-go tray.

Like a good to-go tray with like the three compartments in it, big compartment, two sides. To-go tray. Filled like with extra, extra this, that couldn't wait to sit my happy ass down and eat it. I walked by, boom! Like, you know how you slap books out of it? You're like your homie's hand?

It was that only with food. Rice went everywhere, bro. And all I could think was, yeah. It's a bit. Turned right back around and got the same thing. Protected it with my life. God dang, we had so many other bits. Oh, if your food was in the fridge for more than a day,

it's everybody's food. people couldn't understand that. That was the rule in the house. Hey, if your food's in there for more of the day, it's my food now. Doesn't matter. I'm starving. Your to-go cheesecake factory

that you got with your out-of-town girlfriends in there? Guess I know what I'm having for dinner. White chicken chili that you paid for. So good. Never forget it. We waited. Okay. My friend went on a date Saturday, 9 p.m.

Me and my room, me and, I lived with three guys. Me and my roommate, Dre, waiting by the fridge at 8.59 for the clock to strike nine so we could eat all his food. That chili melted in my mouth. I might go back and get it this weekend. White chicken chili cheesecake factory. He's talking about food again. Okay. So my bit that I do with one other friend is if either of us is in public and we see someone who either looks like a celebrity or a famous.

athlete, we'll sneak a picture of that person and then send it to each other and we'll be like, oh my God, I just saw Tom Cruise at Six Flags. And we both know we're joking, but I mean, if you look at our text thread, it is a lot of pictures of strangers. And sometimes there'll be very innocuous or arbitrary celebrities. So like, I saw a dude with the arm crutches with black hair and I was like, it's the kid from Breaking Bad. whatever, and it all started because one time, me and my buddy were at a monster mini-golf,

and we were convinced that Kareem Abdul-Jabbar was there. Tall, light-steen black dude, bald, older. We did ask him, and he denied it. And I do believe it because then I googled it. I think Kareem Abdul-Jabbar is almost 80. But that's kind of what started it, and we've been doing it for years. And our text thread is a riot because of it. God, that's fun.

Love you, dog. This is a real inside baseball podcast, and I love it so much. We're learning. Get new bits? God. So much fun. Love that. Just made me think of another bit.

Me and Logan have, if someone's doing anything slightly loud in public, you go louder than them. if they're talking loud, if they're making a loud noise, if they're, they have a motorcycle and it's loud, anything loud. And you go so incredibly loud. Just maybe they'll hear it

in their subconscious and shut up, you know? Because you're not going to tell them, hey man, you're being incredibly too loud. Mike cut your head off. Roll it down the street. You're never going to say that. And one time I was working out by myself at LA Fitness.

He comes in and I'm just couldn't take it anymore. Just screaming at the demons, dude. He walks by, got me with our own bit. Tough friends become friends. Yeah, I love you, Milky Boy. Whoa.

Then I'm one bit that's the gal and I do. Well, it's going to be there a few, but the number one, hence the, whatever, ADD, it's going to be a toss-up between one time she mispronounced

mascara mascara as mascara and that then launched off the whole thing of like mascara, that kind of thing, which is cute. And she still chuckles when I do it here and there and it melts my heart. It's tossed up between that? Or this thing was a TikTok she saw, At some point, this dude farted, and this other dude was like Tyler.

So she'll be like Tyler. And it's just adorable. Yeah, melts my little heart. So she's one of the only good things LA has ever had come out of that state. So, well, city of L.A., state of California. Same thing. Yeah, man. I tell you what, Bo.

Yeah, that. I just got a minute left. Come on, boy. Kiss it's his. It's how fun. Milky boy coming in strong girlfriend bits. Dude, I think the bits with your girlfriend will actually make your relationship last

for like two more years. Do you got bits with your girlfriend? Oh, she runs the bit at you? You know what guys think? You actually like me. We're doing funny stuff? You actually like me. You're laughing for real at me?

You actually like me. That's my only indication. that I am loved. I don't know how it's different. I don't know how anybody else thinks differently. If you're laughing at me, we're in love. Guy, girl.

We're in love. Your girlfriend, a year in, laughing at you? From bits and words you mispronounced? We're in love. Farting around you? Oh my God.

Next level. Trying to think of me. Oh yeah And there's always the little The little nicknames and stuff That are inside jokes Not really bits But if you don't have

If you're not calling your girlfriend Like a nickname Like a cute little nickname I don't really think she's your girlfriend First girlfriend Bessie Bessie every time Hey Bessie

Like the cow I don't know why Second girlfriend Fishy Fishing every time We'll see We'll see what's next. We'll see what's next.

Let's get on. Okay, I got two others. I forgot. So, the kid, the rabbi. Return a Milky Boy. A.K.

Donnie rabs. Donny tards. Donny BKs. BK. Donnie. My best friend, we're going to leave his name in Harnas. But we were out to lunch one day in downtown.

Now, Dada, Florida. If you're over there, check out, like, twisted monkey is this place. It's this bar. that has really good burgers.

So we're getting burgers and fries. It's American as you apple pie. That's another one. Anyway, ADD, dude. We just have a lot of stuff, but we'll just come up with jargon that no one but us understands. Like, terms for everything.

Like, one time he took an intentional pause, and we called it an Elon Musk pause in the NP. Because he was like, dude, you got to see this video of Elon Musk taking an autistically long pause when answering a question. So now we'll call each other. 90 seconds go by Must pause

Longest EMP ever That saying numbers With a sporadically static tone Like I was like dude I'm back in the 340 She's like a little 340 Act you know And then

Oh yeah But back to the names of the burger bar So yeah I order like five condiments She's like dude You're like dick condiments You're Richie Kons That was the first one

He then dated a chick I think months ago I thought about this. The gal, nice gal. Knock where he's cup of tea. She's a little skinny.

So I was like, dude, you're king of birds. You're freaking Donnie BK's Bird King. And from that has launched. I mean, Donny rabs, Donny, he's like,

you know, Donny Ayatollus back when we took out that guy. So Donny Ayatollus, Donny rabs, Donny Tards. The rabbi, the rabbi center came from that.

Donny BK, BK, Dany. King of the Birds, Bird King. So really just bits that no one in this world will know or understand. That's the best ones. I'm hoping he does pitch all these

or the majority of them just runs down a list. Mugsy, that's another one. Mugsy rounds, because he used to golf when the place closed so he could get free rounds. I'm like, you're mugging, you're stealing around, your muggsy rounds. You know, the self-proclaimed

once he's given himself of, he's like, call me the general. I'll call you Jenny Craig at best. He's like, oh, come on, worried about just all of that kind of crap. I could go for like 20 minutes on this, but that kind of stuff that no one but us get.

And half the time we don't even remember it. But hey, kiss and test, it's out for that. Sick. What I'd give to have somebody call me Mugsy? For the love of God. What to do it right here for somebody to call me Mugsy? There's a guy outside. I just wanted to say that.

Guys outside got to be like, what is happening up there? Whose dick do I have to suck for somebody to call me Mugsy? Imagine here. that on the street and just being like, what? How come that never happens to me when I'm walking around outside? I never hear anything cool like that. I always hear just like a stupid kid crying and I'm like, Jesus Christ.

Somebody call me Monty! Yeah, the nicknames are just lethal, baby. I do the same thing with like army terms. Got a guy at the gym. You know the guy at the gym That just won't stop staring There's always a guy at the gym And like you're not trying to stare

But you're not trying to even look But they're like commanding it You know what I'm saying? It's not your fault at all You're just looking up You're looking up Oh, just got done with something Looking up and they're glaring at you

So you look at them out of like natural instinct Like are they going to talk to me And they keep doing that drives me insane. We got a big shoes Kevin. Always staring. Naming people stuff in your jail. Oh my God.

Big shoes Kevin. Dude, dude, just looks like kind of, kind of, I think he's like a Mexican dude. A little, I don't know. A little older, he's probably like 47. Looks kind of normal. So you wouldn't think always staring. and the thing that pissed me off the most,

guys got three size bigger shoes than he needs. It pisses me in their high tops. Big shoes, Kevin, always staring. What? That's what I want to do to him. Guy staring at me at the gym? What? Got a new guy in there.

Got a little bit of respect for him. A little bit of respect. Sergeant Stare. Bro's always looking to lock eyes. I'm like, for what reason, dog? and why me? Every time I look up Oh, just got done

Racked the weights, get up, guys Do I have to gaze into your eyes Every two minutes at the gym Jesus Christ, man Sergeant Stair Also did a Ooh, this is another good bit, bro This is a good one

Me and Logan do it all the time I hang out with two people we haven't realized that yet. And I do the same thing every day and eat the same thing every day. Guy has no life. Doing play action fakes everywhere. You got an object in your hand?

Guess what? You're handing it off to me or your PA fake and rolling out and throwing it to me. If you're holding anything, guess what? It's a football now. Guy who will take another one,

guy who will take a snap from anything. I'm talking about a trundle bed on the ground. Low. Two inches off the ground. Getting under there. Getting under there. It doesn't matter where you are. You got to rip the cadence.

Home Depot? Getting under the shelf? You know the shelves in Home Depot? Getting under the lowest part of the shelf where all like the screws aren't down there. When it turbo sit? What did turbo sit? Ex-smoke. Ex-smoke.

Why laser? Why laser? X smoke. What is it? God, it's a good bit. And one time I did that at the gym with like the, the, you know, the pad on the squat rack bar? You know that pad? Man, the most coveted thing in every gym is that pad.

If that pad's not there, I'm like, I mean, I'm kind of thrown off. Like, I need to do like a whole, my whole week is trash now. Schedule, gone. Anyway, had that pad, bringing it back to the front desk, where it belongs. So other people can use it and I can get it next time. On the way, PA faking with that, Sergeant Stair saw me and Logan do that,

started laughing. And I was like, you know, I don't mind him. I don't mind him now. He's in on the bits. Bro knows the bits. For the love of God, call me Mugsy. Ah, shit. Is this thing on?

all right well now when I'm here I'll leave another one so there's a bit my friend and I do at the end of every call as dumb teenagers we would end every call by telling each other to end our lives and we wisely realize that's not good now it's the best what if it's the last time I speak to this person so then we changed it, we put a don't in front of that. Don't care yourself. And put an I-L-Y after that to really, you know, make it sound better. And then in the 2020s, we became like, live cuck-tards.

And I can't remember the origin, but we added a Black Lives Matter at the end. Ooh. To make it even better, basically. So we end every call by saying, don't care I, I guess how I'd be a lot. And we say it that quick. And so,

so yeah, I mean, I'll even say it after, you know, having a long talk over a beard so I can make my Budweiser. Gas.

Casp. Mailman coming in hot. You know, it's a good question in the week with Mayo Man, three different voice messages? Guys got bits, bro. It's a good friend.

Johnson is a bit. A bit. I'd rather have half a case. Turning everything into I'm getting drunk tonight, puns. Man, so much fun. Coronavirus. Well, I guess I'll have another. Oh, God, go on, Jesus.

Guys bombing. Yeah, but that, man. honestly I've been doing this girls that you haven't even started like you know it's there you know it's there

you're like I dang like she's kind of love her just nipping it in the bud and telling them you love them immediately not like seriously but just being like all right later love you whoa

soft launch and el bombs this guy this guy All right, so you love you What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do? You get cozy saying love you early? What about saying?

Classic bit. Saying I love you to people before you hang up the phone. But it's like people that work at hospitals and shit. Nothing will catch somebody off guard because you know you're in computer mode when you're talking to something like a like a IT representative.

From Netgear, you're on the phone with him. He's walking you through. So I'm just finally going to figure it out. All right, man, have a good one. Any other questions? Anything, is there anything I can help you out with? Anything else I can help you out with today? They always got to say that.

No, I'm good, man. Love you. Say it back. Say it back of your fake. I'm telling you, girls, you kind of like. Say, I love you to him. See what happens. See what happens.

See what happens. You're like, disgusting. That's like reach beat. You're like love bombing. Shut up. Everybody and their mom knows that they want to be love bombed. Who's ever complained?

Oh, somebody loves me too much immediately? Hmm. Sketchy. I'm all in. Say it again. Do more. Do more stuff. Do more love you stuff then.

Oh, you love me? Prove it. kiss me all down my neck love me so much kiss me about it got one rule babe kiss me every day that's it golden rule

my best friend and I accidentally made her dad a bit we were hanging out one time and we were all drinking and her dad Rick just goes hell yeah brother and uh we just picked it up and that's our response for everything and we'll mix it up sometimes and we'll go hell yeah rick or um like we'll have bad news or something will go wrong in our day and we'll just respond back and be like hell yeah brother but uh we just love to do a mocking

like deep rugged yeah collar voice to pretty much any emotion with a hell yeah brother God, if I didn't know you and something happened and you said, hell yeah, Rick to me, I might fall. Calling people names that aren't their names is the, hey, Scott. Names not Scott. You've known for 10 years. Dude. Adding letters to people's last names.

Slightly changing everyone's first name and calling them that. How come like whatever your first name is, I'm not calling you that, bro. played childhood best friend Aaron I don't call him that last five years called him Ernie There's so much that my friend My other friend Joe King

Bring him up on every podcast And his dad Call him Ernie for real Hey Ernie Ernie bro Logan Last name Bart B A Eartt Nope.

It's Beren't now. Bairt! What the hell, God. Hey, my name in our apartment. Doesn't matter when, where, my old apartment with Ernie. I had an apartment with Ernie at one point.

I don't think he's said my name. I don't think he's said my name since maybe I was like 14. Just calls me Pete. I was coaching football, JV football. Hey, coach. Pete. Dude, just coach Pete everywhere. Calling people names that are kind of their names?

Great bit. Pete and Ernie. What? Yeah. Makes sense to me. Skika. This is a fun question. Okay.

Dude, whenever she pops on and gives me props for the question, I've never felt more validated. God, that means a lot. Whenever I was in my 20s, my bit when I would go out to bars and I would try to get people to buy me drinks is I would tell this one specific joke. And if they happen to laugh, then they would have to buy me a drink. Do you want to hear the joke? Please for the love of God. Okay. Why did Helen Keller wear tight pants?

So you could read her lips. That was my bit. serious bit serious ice breaker if people are familiar that's funny god if you have a good bit like that like in a social setting out at a bar

because that'll that's the hardest code to crack right there I want to talk to that girl but like what the hell would I ever do I'll psych myself out and be like I'll just go home then all just all bomb dude I wouldn't even try

No attempts made. But if people are like familiar, I think this might be a move. Maybe. I'd never do it. Maybe. But if they're familiar with reality TV, can I pull you for a chat?

Because that's what we had to do. I don't know, maybe people aren't tapped into reality TV. Not like it's my entire life. But every time we had to talk, we talked to anybody on F. Boy, I don't anything. And I feel like it's like,

that on like Love Island too. It's like, can I, uh, can I get five minutes with you real quick? Like I would ever do that in a real life situation. Can I pull you for a chat? Hey, can we, can we go over? Can we chat real quick? Then you walk with a girl over to like, you know, this romantic place with like a good backdrop and seven cameras follow you and you're like, here we go.

Bro, it's the worst. But doing that in real life might be something. Can I pull you for a chat? While she's talking to another guy. Hey, can I, you guys mind if I? And then people had to, like, we were talking to a girl and you're like locked in. You've been talking to her for like 12 minutes. A guy comes over to you and asks you, hey, do you mind if I steal her from you?

And you got to be cool about it. Yeah, hey man. Just give us like two minutes. This has never happened in my entire life. Got to run the bit, though. What do you even do at a bar when you see a girl that you want to talk to? What do you even do? I just hope to God that she like makes eye contact with me.

And then I'm like, okay, I think that kind of means we should talk. And then I go over there and talk to her and she's like, what? What? Like, who are you? I'm like, oh, shit. My bad. Sergeant Stare over here. Thought it meant something.

Colman Mugsy! It's always a big question. Like if you saw me at a bar Like what would you say to me Um Do you want to split a rotissory chicken in my car right now? That's disgusting Yeah what's up Benedict

Um Me and my best buddy Billy have a bit where every time I call him Great alliteration Be an employee at a sex shop And tries to pitch me on the largest Gerthiest Um

And Strangest textured Every time. Love this guy. Dildo that they sell. They also vary in color, in shape, in size, obviously. But it's always the biggest, the biggest one that he wants to get me to purchase. I still haven't pulled the trigger on the buy, but he's getting better and better pitch.

Are you even boys if you're trying to sell each other dildos? I don't know, man. Well, hope this helps. God, man, it helps. You don't know how much it helps, honestly. Never felt better. Never felt better. God, if I called a guy and he tried to pitch me on something

for like, what if it was like, what if it took like seven minutes every time too? It's like, guys can never, we can never get into the conversation. He's trying to pitch me on a DILDA. Fun friend. Calling him in an emergency. All right.

So, yeah, we got like two more. stock back here might have some in the back. Go back there and check. But the one I hear, it's ribbed. So, like being all loud and you're like, you really, you really like need him to pick you up. You're on the side of the highway. All your tires are slashed. You're bleeding out. So, yeah, I mean, we got this pink. Well, I don't know if you're into that. Throw the shells for a little bit now, but I think it's the best one we got it in here. your eyes are closing

you're about to see the light bro your soul's about to leave your body this one has balls on it fire honestly though that is so true as a white guy

I know black guys aren't doing this I don't think and if you are I'd like to be friends with you if you're not kind of gay with your boys even boys

you know like maybe you grew out of it but when you're younger you were doing it it's just so funny and fun if you're not like kind of touching me sexually are we friends got this new bit

oh I love this bit so much I love this it's actually my fan I'm trying to get it on video don't tell Logan But, like, if he reaches across my face or, like, you know, his hands in a spot, I'll just... It's the funniest thing. Are you, like, you're riding the car next to your boy? And he, like, put your hand on his neck and, like, start doing this.

Yo. That'll take the top off of defense, man. You're trying to break the ice with your boy or with another guy? Give him a little slap on the ass for me. See how that changes it. Might be locked in for life. Might be part of your wedding. He's can't get a read on this guy.

Like, I don't know if he likes me. I just can't. I don't know. Our relationship is like stale. He bends over. Oh! Grab a handful. Best friends.

Trust me. So I work in an Italian restaurant with my really good friend. and we have like this newbie girl bartender and she's bar manager because she has no kids and a whole lot of time. And she is Mexican. And so now everything is margaritas or chatta, whatever, in a freaking Italian bar. So our bit is when anybody has for bread, we're like. Like, would you rather have tips in salsa? But it is what it is.

Yeah. I likey. Good bits. It just means you love them, you know? You making fun of somebody a lot. It really means that you're in love with them. That's all it means. Don't get upset, baby girl.

Signorita. Oh, go. Pretty. Bit, bit. My friends are like bullying me That's because they love you Shut up if they're not bullying You're bullying you if your friends aren't bullying you're a loser

Point blank If you don't get made fun of every Especially at restaurants dude Restaurants are like a savage place to be No rules Managers It was so weird working at a restaurant I was like this is honestly just

A place with the most wackos put the most wackos in a place that serves food and somehow it works out every night. I'm like, how isn't anyone shot someone yet? This is crazy. Half the people are on drugs. Three of the girls are the hottest you've ever seen in your life. Nobody wants to be there, including the managers. Who knows if anybody.

Every day I walked into a restaurant, I was like, who knows if anyone's going to show up? Like, it could just be me. Like, all the kitchen guys, every time. I'm like, they're, like, are you kidding me? They're all going to show up every day. These guys are literally in jail right now. And we're just counting on them. Yeah, if he's not here, we got no chicken today.

Okay. Hope Donnie shows up because, I mean, got to close the doors. Donnie doesn't show up. honestly what do we do if the dishwasher at our restaurant who it looks like he doesn't even know that he works at our restaurant doesn't show up what do we do who's who's doing who's washing the dishes that's that dude he's offense runs through the dishwasher babe we don't have him i mean lock the doors we don't have mugsy what are we doing yeah there's like one i like the i like the are you you guys want chips and salsa for your table instead of the bread at an Italian restaurant? That's a good bit. But when they take it too far, bro, when I, it was my like first week at a restaurant, I had no idea what anything was.

And somebody told me to go downstairs and, like, fill up a cambro with only salt and bring it up. And I was like, okay, who do I ask? And they were like laughing and I was like, all right. And it was like a prank. and I was like, dog, don't give me like the rookie hazing trail. Like, I'm in that, I'm in there 30 years old. I'm in there with a hairy neck carrying salt upstairs. I'm like, this is, this sucks, bro.

Oh, you fell for the old salt trick, eh? Yeah, and the hottest girls are laughing at me now, and this is just every single time I do anything. How would I know? We didn't need a gallon of salt. all up here. So then I had a personal vendetta the whole time I worked there and I stole 8,000 raisins.

He did the mash. He did the monster mash. The mass. It was a graveyard smashed. He did the mash. It caught on in a flesh. He did the mush. Oh shit, is this thing on? Um, a bit that me and a

few of my friends do, whenever there's touch tunes at the bar, we always play Monster mash and not just once we try to play it as many times as we can and act like we're not the ones playing it uh also i will be in town for indiana land so can't wait to show up in my raven's pavia jersey by huntie dude i don't know who you are but that is the best shit i got to steal that dog dog dog hey can you do that can you do that at indiana land can you play can you tell the tj to play I gotta steal that.

That's a fire bit. I would spend hundreds of dollars on touch tunes just to do that. Who keeps playing this damn song? Crying and drunk. I'm sick of it! We're literally leaving. A girl, oh, always a girl. Literally, no, ask for the check.

This is literally bullshit. Wait, wait, again, wait. I'm trying to have a good time. at this bar literally every girl I've ever encountered anywhere okay so the bit that I have just with my kids actually they're tweens and it started with an old movie called swingers with Vince Vaughn and he takes a putt on like a um putting green and he puts and he goes get there and so if something is taking too long ever anywhere we're walking behind someone slow there's a stoplight or a traffic jam

my kids and I will be like get there meaning like get there faster or like anytime you're in a situation or something's taking too long maybe someone's like wrapping a gift for you and it's taking way too long get there just say it out loud it's so funny that would kill me inside

if I knew what you're talking about and heard you I'd be like oh my God that's kind of usually what I do I'm not a get there guy I'm just oh my God and just see if they like registers to them they'll they would never know

people that are walking slow and like doing everything all like mindless I'm like I don't even know if you know your name but is it Mugsy okay literally you're like doing a bit about the bit it's over

stop talking about Mugsy. Whoever the fuck that is. So slow. Couldn't be slower. Sergeant Slow? Get there. Get there is like a positive flip on that though.

You're right. You're right. You're right. Oh, loud. Way too loud. Here we go. Been waiting. Been waiting all day since I saw this. guy. Through him with him and him in the unity of the Holy Spirit. All glory and honor is yours almighty

father forever and ever. Oh man. Oh, man. This thing is on the whole time. Jeez. Benny, what up? Who would have thought? It's your boy, Delta 88 from the passenger seat. It's been a minute, but I'm back. I got a couple bits.

My boys and I have a bunch of bits. My wife and I actually have a bit that we do all the time. I think you talked about it in the past on one of the pods. But me and my boys, when we call each other almost every time, when one of us answers the phone, we do something like really sus, really suspect. So if my boys call me, I'll answer their phone and go, Oh, hello? Or something like, oh, God.

Hello? Bro, I'm convinced that we are best friends who have never seen each other. We get a kick out of that. Make sure no one else is around when I'm answering the call. That's where you're wrong. And even my boys, when somebody we know uses words out of context or uses the wrong word altogether, like mine as well or might as well instead of might as well. They're like triggers, though.

So if I say something like, oh, well, I might as well do it. My wife will say, well, mine is well or mind as well. And I go, yeah, yeah, mind as well do it. And then like my one boy, he always uses the word, spells the word course, C-O-A-R-S-E. Like, of course. So when we text, I'll say, yo, I'm heading to the golf course, or of course, C-O-A-R-S-E. Or if we're just talking and we just say, of course, we'll say,

course, of course. C-O-A-R-S-E. Piece of dirt. There's other words, too, like hysterical. I think one time my boy spelled it historical. So when we say something's funny, we go, oh, that's historical. Bro, that's, um, these are just like trigger words. So anytime we hear, we use the wrong word.

And then, and, uh, one last time while we were at like a diner late night after the bars. And my boy was so trashed. And we were, um, he said something was hilarious in this like really deep, drunk voice. So now every time that we think something's funny, we go hilarious. hilarious. We just mimic what he said. But anyway, that's it, bro. Before time runs out, love what you're doing.

We'll keep tuning in. God, Delta 88. Just such a real one, man. It'll make them like that anymore, do they, Mugsy? One thing about me, I'll literally run a bit into the ground. We. Yo, mine as well. Piss me off.

so bad that I say it now. Like I just, it's, it's, I don't say, I don't say might as well anymore. The real version. Every time I, it's just mine as well. Like, it took over. It, it won. And now I'm a mine as well guy. Ironically, but it's just part of the game.

Should we do that before that? Because we're going to be there anyway. Mine as well. Me and everybody I know says it just because it's so dumb and stupid and I just want to kill myself. But it's part of the game. Mm-hmm. It beat out might as well.

So dumb, it won. That's so historical. God, he's historical. Um, God, actually, uh, using words that don't pick any sense that piss you off so much is, is the way to go. I'll just text my sister stuff my dad said and she'll go, God damn it.

Just throughout the day, like randomly. haven't talked to her in a week I'll just text her and say something my dad said one time she'll just be like Jesus Christ hold on about to sneeze this is also a bit that I've been doing

sneezing and saying some like hot girl stuff it's always hot girl stuff because they're so funny hold on just got a just got a DM see this is when this is when you know you your boys

just got a DM from Mayo Maine you recorded the pod yet hoping to God he leaves another one all right what was I saying Oh, yeah, yeah, picking up the phone with your homies and being, like, sexual is so funny. That's really what me and my friend do, but I didn't want to get all explicit on Instagram about it. He calls. I'm like, oh, my God.

Take a shower in the gym and let me see the water beat down your ass. What's up, dude? Can't beat it. Run fast for your mother. Run fast for your father. Run for your children for your sisters and brothers. Oh, man, this thing's on. Dude, I love you guys.

That's it right there. We got bits on the pod, Muzi. Dude, if your podcast, dude, the callers on your podcast are running bits? Mm. Fam. So fam it hurts. So, fam. Hey, saw the prompt.

Had to, had to jump in here. Me and my friends do a bunch of bits, but maybe one of my favorites is you go to a restaurant or bar. and you know you're ordering and you say your waiter or waitress hey do you prefer the cheeseburger or the chicken sandwich waiter or waitress then says you know I really am a fan of the cheeseburger then you go okay I'll take the grilled chicken sandwich so subtle sometimes they don't catch her right away sometimes they say something It's just a top tier bid. If you're not doing this, you need to get to.

Gas move. All right, Benny. Thanks. God, another guy. I don't know who you are, bro, but I want to know. I want to know. Can you show me? You left a great voice message and I love you.

I want to know. Please show me. life, all we do is match hands together. I want to know about these strangers like me. That's what I think. When somebody leaves a voice message and it just speaks to my heart, these strangers like me. Who are you guys?

And how come we're best friends without knowing it? Bro, can we listen to the beginning of this podcast one more time? Or not the beginning, the beginning of this voice message one more time? This is so funny. his passion singing this song and this is one of those songs that you hate so much and you're like, why is this even a song?

Why am I listening to it? Run fast for your mother. Run past for your father. Run for your children for your sisters and brothers. Oh man, this thing's on. It's a bit. You be big fan of the pod.

So yeah, me and my buddy, we have a couple bits. One of them is we have this mutual friend who sounds just like Seth Rogan. I have no idea when this started, but whenever we call each other, whoever answers the phone will do a laugh

sounding like Seth Rogan and act as if our friend is walking away. So if he was to call me, I'd immediately go, Oh, all right, James, dude, see you later, man. Good to catch it up with you. Oh, hey, what's up? And then immediately go into the phone call.

And then the other thing we do is he loves to just see how far my patience will go. So if we're like riding in the car or something, he'll figure out one line in a song and then just repeat it over and over and over. An example that comes to mind instantly for me is the song, Kid See Ghost. He'll just say that line over and over until either him or myself goes crazy. And it's one of those things where it is stupid, but we laugh harder and harder than longer than it goes. And yeah, so he would just say, kid see ghosts sometimes.

Kids see go sometimes. Kids see go like over it, over and over and over. Thank God. Whatever other friends are with us, it will make them lose their minds, but for us it's just kind of this thing. I love people like that that do stuff like that. That's annoying and like what?

But it's so funny, man. You can't find people like that anymore, I feel like. I'm like, can we just be annoying? God, everything's so like... judgey. I'm like, can we just be annoying and funny for the whole time we're every day? Fire bit. Fire bit. Did he say fire pit? Like, what is he talking about? Pretending a hot girl lives in your brain? Not even pretending a hot girl lives in my brain.

She's probably like 27 or 25. What the, what? Did he say fire pit? Like, is there a party or a fire? bit like what is he talking about god one time me and Logan were doing something it was like really hard and really annoying and I was like dude we're gonna look back at these times or remember this and he was like shut the hell up bro and now anytime we do anything he'll be like hey we're gonna look back at these times not wrong not wrong No more voice messages, although I feel like there could be a thousand more. We could just keep talking about it, but...

Limited time, man, skip... Two days. Thursday, bubble tea day. It's a scam. God, who actually gives a... about bubble tea. Oh, my God. Um, there's a whole culture that literally...

I don't even think they... care. Honestly, just, oh my God. Such a thing that's not going to be a thing in a year. And you can always sniff them out at bubble tea, peptides, CBD, protein and everything, Bisk off. Like, if you're buying into that stuff, bro, I just, you can't be serious. Are you a real person?

You really, okay, dude. Can't. Well, that's how I know me and you aren't friends. That's how I know I hate you. You do that? Dude, just one of those things. I'm like, couldn't be less of a loser.

Raisin day, man. It's another thing I, like, if you tally up the things I've said on this podcast, raisins, probably top three things. Raisins, backyard. What else do I say all the time? Um, hairstylist appreciation day. Where do we start?

Hair stylists. Where do we start? Um, let's see, for some reason, I'm immediately attracted to every hairstylist I've ever seen in my life. Why are they always so mean? And honestly, I can't tell what you did. to their hair. Unless you drastically change the color,

it looks exactly the same. Okay, wait, you're like, okay, they're like hardworking. It's just guy eyes, babe. Guy eyes. Unless you dye it pink, looks good to me. Friday.

Chocolate parfait day. I'll punch a hole in the wall. Starving! Fighting for my. life not to talk about food this whole podcast. And you hit me with chocolate parfait day. I've never even seen that in my life. That was McDonald's parfaits really took over the world though, didn't they? They did. And you know they did. Everybody knows where they were too. Another thing I've said every single podcast. Everybody knows where they were when you figured out

the McDonald's fruit and yogurt parfait had the same amount of calories as a McDonald's Hot Fudge Sunday. I was like, that's when I figured out my whole life was a lie. I was like, no! I think I went outside in my backyard and I was like, no! Screaming to the clouds. My neighbors, is everything okay? Wait!

Wait! My dad walks out. He just figured out. McDonald's Parfay's have the same amount of fat as hot foot Sundays at McDonald's. Well, we'll keep him in our prayers. What a moment, dude. Mugsy Just to see if he looked

There's a guy in the street Wish you guys were here Principals day Always had a feeling At every school I ever went to I was like Principal hates me You know why

Why did it always seem like that I wasn't even doing anything Guy hates me Like never any sort of validation Whatsoever from the principal Nothing but like why would I think that they should how come the second I got like a good grade on a test

I expected the principal to run up after me and be like hey saw that I'm at test like I feel like he should have overseen like I feel like the principal should have been tracking everyone's grades troublemaker this guy has no idea I exist dude the minute I lost all respect for the principal

our principal this isn't even about me Saw us every day in school, you know. Ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, bah, bah. Oh my God, yeah. Hey, let's make it a great day, rebels. Every day. Mr. Leadership.

Mr. I love my students. Walked into where my mom worked. Southside Tennis Center. My sister's working the front desk. Student at the high school he's a principal of. Goes up to the front desk. Talks to her like she's just some random person. working the front desk at a tennis center,

not even knowing she's been at the school for four years? And I'm watching this with my own eyes. I'm like, you're not putting two and two together here, bro? You're fake. Principals are fake! You didn't even know who she is? Kid didn't click once for you.

They, come on, dog. The disrespect. I was like, man, I don't even care about this dude anymore. It's making a great day. Shut up. You don't know shit. Ended for the wrong reasons. Saturday.

Join Hands Day. What a moment when you're in Catholic Church growing up, because everybody in the world went to Catholic Church. Bad, bad, yeah, yeah. And you're holding hands during the Our Father. And then they make you go across the aisles and hold hands during the Our Father. And I'm like, why are we doing this now?

Did somebody die? You know, it was always really random when they did that. Maybe it was just my church. But we'd hold hands for the Air Father, obviously. You know, you wouldn't to, like, you wanted to rig the system when you were going to church in grade school and try to shimmy your way next to the hot girl in your class. So during the Our Father came around, you holding hands with Shorty. Hey, like how this feels.

Get used to this if you want, baby. Oh, bye, who's her? I hear her. I hear you know. I don't know. Give me that little squeeze at the end. Yeah. Give her that little squeeze at the end.

You know what that squeeze means? Then you let go hands and you're like, wonder if she felt it. See in a couple minutes for peace, babe. It's ha ha. What up, Hose? Guys going to hell. But what a moment, you know?

Her hands are all sweaty, like, clammy, and you're like, wait, is my hand like? Is that my hand or her hand? I don't know, because we're one. One bread, one body. That's us. That's us, Allison. What a moment. always bombed

you ever hit a girl with one of these in church let me put you on some game it dude hey run this bit run this bit and I dare you to run this bit attractive girl wherever you work whatever you do

wherever you go you keep seeing her you know she's got to be single obviously like she can't have a man while she's walking you hold hands with her for one second oh my I'm so sorry Oh my God. There's more of that game right. That's what you say in your head.

You don't say that to her. That's what you say in your head, though. Yeah, I got that feeling. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Cannot believe that just happened. Awkward in your head. There's my that game around.

Fire bit. How about the day in Catholic Church where you're supposed to hold hands during the Our Father? And it just crossed your mind that like, I don't want to do this shit anymore. So you started doing this. And somebody,

that to your right, it'd be like, you'd be like, I'm good. My dad, bro. Wasn't taking anybody's. Ew. I don't think you'd even hold my hand. My whole family didn't hold hands in church. We're like, kind of gay, loki. Now may you all join him for the Archive.

He looks pretty gay to me. Zero loyalty to the church, but when every Sunday. One party. One time I shimmied so hard Because this girl I like was sitting It was in the back Back of church is the club, bro You sitting in the pews at Catholic Church

Like you gotta be dialed Lock it in You gotta be doing the movement You gotta be kneeling on command Standing up, kind of fake singing Holding hands Hugging Right?

Oh my God. You in the back? Wild West. Anything goes. You can read magazines. I could read the Sports Illustrated Swim Suit Edition in the back of church. Huh?

We're doing what now? Oh, peace. Check out these tits. Check out these tits for... Hey, check out... Check out these rockets first. You think, Jesus looks good up there.

I shimmied in between this girl and some other lady. Just because I wanted to stand by the girl, didn't even look at her or talk to her. I just wanted to be like, I'm going to stand by you, you know, never know. Never know what could happen. Start doing all the church stuff. And like halfway through church, I realized, yo, that's her mom. She just came to church with her mom, standing next to her mom. And I stood in between them the whole time.

like being all cool day yeah peace and for the wrong reason sunday meditation day hot take doesn't work i don't know it doesn't work for me for sure but meditation he's telling me you can just think of stuff and your day gets better come on dog nothing's ever happened like that in the history of stuff that's ever happened yeah i'm just gonna think and i'll get myself out of this mood. Shut up. No. You gotta go do something.

Motion's lotion, man. For me. For me? I got to, I gotta do something hard. I gotta do something hard. It's got to be the hardest thing in the world and then my mood's better.

Every single time it works. Sucks, but that's what you gotta dislike. You're telling me, hold on. I just need to like meditate for a second. that you're not in a bad mood if you if you meditate and you you get right you weren't really in a bad mood you know you're down in the dumps and you meditate and all the sudden oh my god yeah i'm like having the best day you're a crazy person you're down in the dumps you got to go i got to go

climb a mountain i got to go squat 315 eight times do abs run on a treadmill for four miles. After that, I'm like, I mean, it's still not great, but it's better a little bit. Met. Yeah, I meditate and like my whole entire life chain. An easy life. Meditation's a scam. Uh-oh. Scam alert! Hey, the meditation app, straight scammy. Scammy McPatterson. That's what you think. But like yoga? That's what I'm to that. There, there's some meditation there. Meditation, but you're like struggling and it's hard and you want to kill yourself? My type of meditation.

All right. Coach P. Court of the Week. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Pretty good one. I'm going to pass on it because I think there's a better one coming up. It's got to be hard in preparation or it's not worthy.

Tough through it. And game time is the payoff. Almost cried. Another one, another one. Two quotes of the week. Good podcast. Here we go. Seek constant growth.

Compare yourself to your past self. Not to others. Always comparing myself to others, man. Every single time. Well, they like, but she like, but he like, but like we were like, and then like he like, and then like, That ain't your world, baby. Play your game.

What did you do yesterday? This, this and that. Okay, do it better today. It's the only way. Did that for that long? Do it a little longer. Pay attention a little more during it. Maybe that. Maybe that'll help. Be more locked in when you're doing that

instead of just going through the motions, maybe. Okay, you like think you know everything. It's whatever. Love you guys. Um, yep. Indiana Land 500 coming up. You're going to be in Indiana. Pull up.

Play Monster Mash on your phone while we're there. Plug it into the yawks. One bread, one potty. Damn, it looks like this didn't record and I might die. But I love you. Having a panic attack right now and just have a stroke. Talk to you next week. Bye.