Espresso - what's your canon event?

Episode Date: June 30, 2023

on this ep benny reacts to the events in your life that needed to happen (like your dad seeing you mast*rbating)🔺𝗪𝗔𝗧𝗖𝗛 𝗢𝗡 𝗬𝗢𝗨𝗧𝗨𝗕𝗘 https://www.youtube.com/@espressowbenedictLeave a rating and review boo🎧𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso/id1514492317 

What's up, dude? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, dude, I just spilled something on my shirt. Shot 269. Ha ha. Fuck. I'm your host and girlfriend, Benedict Polizzi. And today, we're going to talk about your

canon event. The thing you did that just had to happen in your life. It's cringy. You're not proud of it. It makes you want to throw up. It wakes you up from a dead sleep.

And you go, oh, God. And I've probably done all of those things. But before we get to that, remember to join the Patreon for $5 a month for an extra episode every week and a live stream at 10 o'clock on Sundays. That's sexy time. So I'll see you in there. $5, that's it? Yeah, that's it. Join.

All right. Canon event. The, the, the, the canon. What's mine? Fucking everything, bro. I'm a walking cannon event i've done all the cringe i can't believe i haven't gotten my fucking ears pierced or some shit like that and had a little mini mustache you know that was in for a little bit i thought about it my cannon event it was uh, it was when I had ice picks. I used to, I'm real into, I was real into hair. I still am hair up here. Obviously

I'm back to back hair transplant state champions, but I used to have these ice picks. I'd shaved the fuck out of them. Thought they were so cool. I don't know why. Maybe they were cool. They do kind of go hard. If I had them right now. Oh my God. I'd't know why. Maybe they were cool. They do kind of go hard. If I had them right now, oh my God, I'd have to be walking around with a big gulp in my hand and some jean shorts. Not like this though. Ones that are ripped up.

I might have to be a carny or something. I've got a lot of them, man. I used to wear shorts that were like 10X. But that shit was hot. I swear. I might have overdone it a little bit. I might have overdone it. Wearing 2XL shorts?

Might have overdone it. But it's just the way it goes. You got to live and you got to learn. Man, that's what a Canada event is. You learn from it and you're like, oh, shit, dude. What was I thinking with my little trash ass everybody was trash but let's hear them what's your canon event all right i got a good one um so i was 21 and i lived in nashville and so this night I was

downtown Nashville and I know gross but at that point I smoked cigarettes so I went outside of the bar to smoke a cigarette and there was these two guys that were yelling back and forth at each other and

cops came over and we're just like trying to resolve the situation but then there's like a group of people that kind of like not really surround but they're watching them and the two guys are like still yelling at each other and they're yelling at the cops and whatever and i i am pretty damn tipsy off of whiskey and i yell i bet you won't hit him and the cop or one of the cops was like who said that who said that and i'm over here like just giggling i didn't even know that they could see me and then the cop comes over he's like did you say that and i was like uh and then the cop comes over. He was like, did you say that? And I was like, uh, the guy read me my rights. And he goes, you're under arrest for inciting violence. And I was like, oh, what a bitch ass cop.

And he was like, and public in talks because I can smell the alcohol on you. And I'm just like, what? That's some jaywalking shit. You know, you have that friend that got in trouble for jaywalking and you're like bro how did it's it's a cop out and then um so we're all just talking just like completely normal we end up getting like in a big conversation about family guy and we're all laughing like just having a really good time. And so the officer who arrested me, he told me, he said, I'm not going to charge you for inciting violence, but don't say something like that when two people

actually might get in a fight, but I am going to charge you for public intox. And I'm like, public intox and i'm like okay whatever so i get put in the drunk tank for like two to three hours i bail myself out for 30 30 because i guess my bill was like 300 every time somebody says drunk tank grown up yo i was in a drunk tank last night i was like that does that is that like some i always think it's the game where you like the guy's sitting in a big tank of water and you gotta like throw a ball and it hits the thing and they drop in the water i was like you were there am i the only fucking person who was like where's the drunk tank and then um one of the the nicer officer that was sitting in the passenger seat he told me he was like i'll wait for you whenever you get out of jail. And I was like, all right, cool. So I get out and I'm waiting for my ride to come pick me up from jail.

And whenever they took my purse and they went through everything, they took my pack of cigarettes. And I was like, shit, thank God. I just want to have a cigarette right now. And the officer gave me one. So we're smoking a cigarette together. And he's like, I'll be in court and I'll make sure like, you know, you don't get in big trouble. Just don't give me a fine. And then whenever I go to court and I talk to my lawyer, he said just to plead guilty for the public in talks talks so i did and i got 12 hours community service for saying i bet you won't hit him so with me and my friends they were like i bet you won't say that

again and i was like hell no i'm never going back to jail over that shit so yeah that is my very long canon story and how hungover were you though during that community service piece of shit alert I've had one like that I have I went out oh bro. I'll never forget. It was the worst. Dude, you ever see a bar during the day that you've only seen at night? It's a fucking train wreck. Like the sun's out. I don't know where my ID is. I'm like, oh, I'm already this guy that can't find his ID. Probably left it at a, ew, a sticky ass bar bar have to go into this place i'm like oh it smells like shit there's like people that are like kind of sweaty like they're the managers that are they're like they have it hot they definitely smoke they're probably like on drugs like thinking

about like what are we gonna do to get people in this place like that kind of situation the floor is sticky and i go yo i think i fucking knock on the door i'm like oh this is what it looks like in the daytime oh the floor's all creaky my feet are sticking to it and i was like yo i think i left my id here the bartender goes oh no problem what's your name i was like it smells like shit in here she fucking pulls out a stack of ids like two decks of cards and finds my name and i'm like yo i'm in that group i don't think i went out for two and a half years just felt like a scum dude scumbag city keep going when i was younger i was on a girl's trip to miami oh no we were with a promoter trying to get into a club and the bouncer looked at us and shook his head no

like as if we weren't hot enough to get into the club anyways our promoter got us in and when we went in there we realized every single girl in the club had a nose job a boob job and half of them had their ass done also and i realized from that moment off i will never go into a club again and it's been like four years and i still haven't gone out since then because i realized only trashy people go out like only the trashiest girls were in there and they were hot enough to go out it was just disgusting it's so that changed my moment like my character for the better thank you i'm so grateful for that canon moment for real for real for that canon moment for real for real oh dude i love this girl dude no shit you ever go out sober and you're like you guys are fucking losers dude what am i doing here i'm like everybody's

ugly what is going on this is trash and keep in mind dude i live in indiana so you see you think you've seen ugly people at a bar bro i'm i'm messing around with twos i'm not even talking about girls dude i'm just thinking about dudes at a bar like they're the I remember when I came to that moment of realization I was like yo all you people are trash bro I'm out of here I think I started crying I did I started crying I wasn't even I don't even think I was drunk had to be drunk but I don't even think I was drunk one sip of wine I was like I gotta dude. My friend goes, why are you crying? I just got to go home. But yeah, I feel you, girly.

All right. So, Canaan event, like 2010 or 11, going to a house party in Bloomington with my friends. Drank a half a fifth of Peach Ciroc in the car on the way there. So, I'm way too fucked up before we even parked the car. So hot in the car when you're drunk, so hot, your neck sweating. As soon as I put my feet on the ground outside of the house, I realized I have to shit and vomit everywhere. And I'm just like, fuck. And there's too many people outside. There's so many people everywhere. Just like girls, people, everyone. And I and i'm just like fuck this is awesome so anyways find the bathroom after i wait in line and like try to like small talk with a few people and then get my way in the bathroom

and i'm just sitting there fucking shitting my brains out throwing up like it's fucking pandemonium in there and uh yeah i was like sweating bullets like praying like what if someone opens the door like how what if someone gets in here like my life will be over like then i will never move on and that's that's that didn't happen but i thought you meant the whole thing didn't happen hey there's nothing like going to a party and just locking yourself in the bathroom for like 17 minutes oh 17 minutes in heaven dude you know i do in a house party bathroom in 17 minutes i look through all the soap no i'm not stealing it maybe i did steal some shampoo, some, some bad-ass shampoo from my house

party. One time I was like, you don't, you don't deserve it. If this, if this Pantene is just out here like this, come on. I wasn't the first one. I, in this, I look at all the conditioner. I look at all the soap. They might have that, like that. Remember that soap? That's like in the, it looks like a fish that your mom wouldn't buy you? It's like tear-free. They have that. It's just like, what the fuck? You look under their sink, dude.

You got to check it out. You take a shit. Oh, there's nothing like taking a dump at a bar. You know? People are like, ew, your tail. You'll catch some shit from people walking in their trash talking to you, but you're like, I don't know if you're like me, bro, when you have to go to the bathroom, you got to, I'm not holding anything. I'm the worst at holding shit unless

it's in like my backpack or something. I'm talking about actual stuff. I'm the worst at holding and carrying shit, especially pee inside of me. I'm not thinking about that. I'm not thinking about pee every 20, every 20 seconds when I'm talking to somebody. Oh yeah, for real. That's so crazy. I have to piss so bad. Oh no, that's crazy. I got to go though. But I'll fake pee when I'm out. Like I'll fake, like half of going out for me is fake going to the bathroom probably 15 times just so I can walk around

and like stop talking to people. But yo, I will. I'll shut myself in the bathroom until they break the door down thinking I'm doing drugs. No. I'm just gone number two. Thank thank you get that shit out of me kind of a vibe

what's the vibe at that club the bathroom oh when it's a door you can just fucking there's like one bathroom in the whole place you could can just bolt lock that thing. See you never. Just keep going. So seventh grade, I grew up on a farm, very small town, never had a reason to wear a dress. It was my first middle school dance.

I like strut through the middle of the gymnasium after going to the bathroom and my dress was caught in my underwear. So my little like butt cheeks were like hanging out as I strutted through the fucking gymnasium in front of everyone. I never got over it ever. I wear dresses more than you, baby girl. Let's just say that yeah that's traumatizing I know some shit like that happened to me that can happen to girls so easily with like period shit oh my god dude the amount of times a girl like bled through her pants and had to go home.

I was like, what are we doing here? Girls should receive some type of, you guys should receive a stipend for periods. 40 bucks every month in case something embarrassing happens. Periods.

40 bucks every month in case something embarrassing happens. Bro, I would die. The amount of times I peed my pants in school, like, accidentally, you know? And you just gotta air dry your pants. The amount of times somebody's come into the bathroom while I'm doing this with the blow dryer. Oh, what's up, dude? Yeah, I know. It's crazy. I like spilled some. It's definitely not pee. I'd say 84. 84 times I've done that.

Fuck something up on your pants. That Dyson's coming on loud, boy. You ever just wash and dry your clothes in the school bathroom? Because you did something stupid. One time I had ketchup all over the back of my shirt. Just did laundry like a pilgrim in the bathroom. In the sink.

How you doing, man? Yeah, some crazy shit. It's the only place you can be yourself. You know when teachers like would lock the bathroom because shit went down the bathroom it's like well fucking let us have some like you know give us a little bit of freedom maybe won't be animals in the bathroom i would do my whole i would do my lights and my darks in there hey man cold water getting stains out and shit right under the dryer after shirtless in the bathroom

me in the bathroom what's up dude yeah yeah yeah yeah dude i just spilled something on my shirt definitely pissed all over it i didn't pee all over it no what's up mrs harkness yeah a lot of shit going on 84 times all right we're back we're back we're back yeah but if something happens in school to your pants or a restaurant just fucking do laundry in there.

Outback Steakhouse, shit yourself, do laundry in their bathroom. It's nothing more normal than that. Everybody will understand. Just keep going. So seventh grade, I grew up on a farm. Oh, shit. Jesus Christ. What if I did the whole thing again yo yo what up benny um what's my canon event um i think my canon event was breaking up with my ex-girlfriend who had celiac disease oh shit i thought it was capped though because she told me in high school

her favorite food was breadsticks and that doesn't make any fucking sense and plus i love italian food so like just couldn't eat that. Pasta La Vista, baby. Pasta. Pasta. Ha ha. Fuck. Now all she's getting is Italian sausage. Oh my god.

Oh my god. That was a good Johnson, bro. That's like a top three johnson dude i swear to god my sister had celiac disease and i was like i don't know even how you're doing this you just can't eat bread right pasta la vista i'd take a i don't know man i don't eat bread right now i don't think it was she i always think about that like if i dated a girl and she had some weird thing happen like if you date a girl and their

arm gets chopped off or something like the girl's gotta understand like yeah you can break up with me if you want like i'm not gonna be i'm not gonna be shocked that you're gonna break up with me because both my arms are gone now. Like I would, like if I was dating a girl and she was really cool and both my legs got chopped off and she was like, I don't think I can do this anymore. I'd be like, no shit. You better run. Cause I can't know.

But honestly, like you gotta know if you have a disease all of a sudden when you're dating somebody it's like yo you can get you can go you can it's time bro if you're a girl and you get mad or if you're a guy and you get mad at a at someone else for breaking up with you because you have a disease you're supposed to stay with me through thick and thin i'm like yeah we're not fucking 80 years old i don't have shingles this isn't the civil war yeah even a disease like bread like not eating bread if i had celiac i'd be like yo go do you boo boo eat your texas toast mommy let's keep going so i was like i was home alone just chilling and um two of my friends have been to the neighboring country and they were like yo we got we got some crazy shit uh we're coming to your place and i was like okay um they pull up and they got some crystallized

shit they got a crack pipe as well and um the way i'd be so scared if I saw a crack pipe. They're just calling it DMT and like, you're going to see just a little bit of stuff and blah, blah, blah, et cetera. And I do these three hard hits from the crack pipe. And I am just god of all creation i am just like the apex on every single aspect of life world anything and that's like the first 10 minutes and then and then you wanted to die i'm not gonna lie to lie. I smoked that K2 shit. Felt the same way. Remember K2? That fake weed from the gas station? Yes, sir. If you got a monster sticker on the

back of your windshield, you know what I'm talking about. And I smoked that because I don't know why. And I thought I figured out the entire world. I figured out the dinosaurs. I figured out Jesus. I figured out I could see people's words when they spoke. When people were talking, I could see subtitles come out of their mouth. I was like, this is fucking amazing. Then the next day, I was like, I need to reevaluate my life.

Ha! The cannon. Let's keep going. Okay. My cannon event. It was either like my sophomore, junior year of high school when my parents completely gave up on me and cut me off because I used to consistently lose very critical things that I needed in life. And at

the time, it was my glasses, because I'm very blind. In my younger days, it was like, you know, 22 karat gold earrings, and that didn't make it to high school. But anyway, so it's like, yeah, my sophomore and junior year of high school before I got contacts. And I lost a pair and then I broke a pair and they were like, you're on your own. So I had to like, I would take this pin and pin my classes back together. And there was like this red orb. I don't know where, like the pins that like people that's so close have. And it was in one of my high school yearbook pictures and a vape pen but it became such a thing because the little ball my glasses were red and my glasses were big because i have horrible vision and it really really just was like you know the icing on the shit cake

of what people could talk about me for but guess what the glow up you know what the glow up was like a red fucking bomb i'll say that much shit she got those she got those accuview oasis contacts she had astigmatism remember those bitches on that commercial that contacts commercials hi i'm ashley and i'm jamie and we have astigmatism i was like i don't know what that is, but I do now. The only thing I remember in my life is what a stigmatism is. Ask me what photosynthesis is. I don't really know. I kind of do, but I don't really know. A stigmatism though, when you look at a Christmas tree and it looks fucking beautiful and then you squint your eyes and it just looks like a normal Christmas tree, that's a stigmatism. and then you squint your eyes and it just looks like a normal Christmas tree,

that's astigmatism. When you look at a bunch of streetlights and they're like, whoa, are those all like 3 million voltage or something? You know, they just look like a bunch of fireballs on top of a stick on the side of the road. Stiggy. Oh, Stiggy lost her glasses again. Yeah, it's funny because those glasses that you like taped together and fucked around and like had this, they're on their last leg. Like those are probably in now.

They probably sell those at Urban Outfitters. Just keep going. Okay, scratch that first one. I completely forgot about the time my dad walked in on me masturbating. He just said got wide open. You could walk into my room. Boom, I'm right there on the edge of the bed. If you didn't look directly at me, you could see the reflection of me in the mirror.

And I heard him coming, but I was like, for sure he's not going to come in my room. And he did. So that would have to be it. Heard him coming. Yeah, he heard you coming. Yo, that's insane. Lock the fucking door. It's happened to me before.

But I wasn't spread eeg. I wasn't. Oh, oh. it's happened to me before but i wasn't spread eeg i wasn't dude it's so funny how you've never felt more guilty in the in your entire life how about you walk in on somebody masturbating and they don't know it the blackmail you hold in your pocket dude they're just like you piece of shit i saw it all dude one time at my grandma's i walked in this like i don't know there were like four rooms and i just walked in one of my rooms my cousin was just riding this pillow this like throw pillow and i was like like she can't even she's not even gonna like turn her head like there's no like in her mind there's no chance anyone could be watching her right now just just riding a couch throw pillow.

Just like she was in an abandoned house. I'm like, yo, it's fucking Christmas. There's people here. You think you can just scurry off to a room and just fucking just giddy up on a, on a pillow. So funny. Just looking through the crack of the door and it wasn't just me it was like me and three of my cousins just all our heads in a row like a cartoon and we're just looking at each other holding in our laughs so just if if it wouldn't have been like dinner time bro she'd still be riding that thing just keep going

so my canon well mommy and daddy were extremely strict for no reason so because of that i now refuse to be bothered um if someone makes plans with me, we're gauging the day. And I really love being alone because I wasn't allowed to go out. Unless it's brunch. Then I'll go out to be a brunch bitch. But that's about it.

Hey, you're me. Because same thing. Don't care about anything. Why? because all i did growing up was care about everything it's the best life i swear to god like uh i don't blame my parents for being strict because the way i am now because, don't care. I think you gotta have strict parents, bro, because it's like a bitch when you're younger. But when you grow up, you're just like, fuck, dude, I don't like, uh, leave me out of it, man. I'm good. Weddings. It can be the, it can be the most important thing of your life. I will not be there. I'm sorry, dog. Like, uh, and you shouldn't invite

me because you should know. It's literally the reason I'm not going to get married because I cannot deal with just, yo, take, uh, take two days for me too. And you don't want to be there at all. You know what? Let's have a destination wedding. Then if you really don't want to be there at all, you know what? Let's have a destination wedding then. If you really don't want to go, let's do it in Hawaii. Let's keep going. So when I was a kid, we had a zip line in our backyard. It started at like 20 feet high, and you could probably ride it for about 100 yards before you hit the ground.

But one day me and my friend decided to go up there and get on the zipline at the same time. Have the best story. And the zipline had like this rope tied to the end of it that you could use to drag it back up to the top. And so we both got on the zipline and right after we like jumped off the ledge, the rope got caught in the gate of the zipline. So we were just stuck midair, like 20 feet in the air. And we only could stay there for so long because my friend's grip was loosening. So he was about to fall. And so he was slipping and slipping, and he grabbed onto my pants,

pulled my pants down, and then fell. What an exhilarating-ass voice message, bro. This should be a movie. So he fell the whole rest of the way down, like the whole 20 feet. Luckily, he only ended up with a sprained ankle or something. Oh, it was over land? I was able to just loosen the rope and then go down the rest of the way but that was the last time we tried that i guess you could call it the last line yo i appreciate he goes sorry i can't haha fuck for the life of me or Johnson laugh,

dude. But the fact that you tried it means more, means more than a good joke or a good taha. You're just in the game for the love. It means way more. Bro, what doesn't go wrong when you're zipl lining? I've done it twice. Both times disaster. Homie was 20 feet in the air over just a flat fucking ground and he dropped. I went zip lining one time at my friend's house. He lived in the country, which is, what are you doing out there? What are you huh you live in the country why why are you living in the country so people can't hear the screams from your house is that why anyway no uh he lived in like he had woods and a lake behind his house and there's a zipline on two trees and i was like oh

shit we're probably never gonna do that that looks cool though he's like no let's do it and i was like all right bet fuck it i'll go first rip off my shirt it's over like a little creek thing so like if i fall and it's a worst case scenario like i just fall like in the water i get muddy and shit which is like horrible because i'm a bitch. But I go on the zip line. They're like kind of laughing and I'm like, dude, what you're going next, you bitch. And they're like, okay. And I'm like, is this thing broken? They're like, no. And they like do it like, like, like his brother goes and I'm like, oh shit. And what are you laughing at? So I fucking take my shirt off in case I fall in the water and do the zip line. And I'm like heavier than his

brother. So I get stuck in the middle of the zip line. Like, you know, like the weight went to the center, dude. And my fucking friend had a BB gun and just, dude, my back looked like Jesus's back. Dude, my back looks like Jesus's back. My calves. You know, you see those people with shorts on in Walmart and they look like their legs got shot up by a BB gun. That's what mine looked like. Bro, I had Walmart legs for like four four months my back looked like passion of the christ my legs in the air dude my legs in the air like this trying to just scoot my bitch ass on a zip

line gaining momentum losing momentum my legs reloading whole clip Pain and momentum, losing momentum. My legs. Reloading. Hold clip. Did I get mad? No. Because that's what your friends are supposed to do. They're supposed to destroy your entire life.

Why? Because it's hilarious. Dude, if I got mad at them for doing that, how big of a bitch would I be? That's so funny to me. Yeah, he got stuck on a zip line, so he shot him with a BB gun. Sounds fucking lit. And if you wouldn't do that to your friends,

you're just not besties like that. Just keep going. We had a fire drill in middle school, and I use a wheelchair and I'm supposed to stay by the stairs, wait for the firefighters if I'm on the upper floor. But I took the elevator down. I was like, I'll make my way out. Little did I know after the fact, I come out of the front of the school and the entire school is across the street and they're they're facing the front and they're like we left him and so all my friends kind of joked about it and i thought it was hilarious i'm just like hey guys yeah i'm here um but being the gentleman i am it wouldn't a hot box oh forgetting about the wheelchair kid oh fuck dog whoops slipped my mind

that's weird because that's usually the first priority you know what was your teacher on your teacher probably set the school on fire and totally it was like scatterbrained you in the classroom so i had a wheelchair kid my class i'd be like you are professor x and whatever you say goes big dog you sit there you sit there sit tight bro sit tight because you're top priority yeah you had to try to light the school on fire for like insurance money or something because there's no way they're forgetting about you dog professor x chilling in the corner and you're just running out of the fucking front doors of the school where were you the academy for mutants just keep going all right so my canon event actually happened here pretty recently

back in march i had a little mentee bee a little breakdown hey while i was on the phone with my boss so it was super embarrassing for me but same day, I actually realized was the day that Saturn entered Pisces. And I am now in my Saturn return, which happens like every 27 to 28 years. Basically, it's when Saturn is in the same orbital space that it was in around the time when you were born. I'm so bad with like all that shit. I just don't. I think there's too much. OK, I'll shut the fuck up. And I'm telling you, ever since then, things have been really aligning for me. My confidence has skyrocketed.

I got laid for the first time since I got sober. I quit my toxic job and got a better paying job within a week. Yeah, I'm in my Saturn return. What can I say? What the fuck happened? Saturn return? Hold on. All right, so my Canaan event actually happened here pretty recently.

Back in March, I had a little mentee bee a little breakdown while I was on the phone with my boss so it was super embarrassing for me but that same day I actually realized was the day that Saturn entered Pisces and I am now in my Saturn return, which happens like every 27 to 28 years. Basically, it's when Saturn is in the same orbital space that it was in around the time when you were born. Dude, that is just the most confusing 40 seconds of my life. Prop dude. I just could never know all that shit. I don't know. I would have, I'm paying you to figure when it, when, when my shit is, when's my Mars return? When's my, when's my Mars attacks? When's my Saturn return? I'll never figure that shit out. That's insane patience.

But fuck, that's cool. So that's why people are so into astrology. I'll never get it. But damn. I think all that shit would just happen and I wouldn't even realize it, you know? I'd just be like, Oh, I had good luck. Let's keep going. First day of high school,

yellow, Sophie shorts rolled up Nike dunks. I believe they were like gray and turquoise lit. It was raining a little bit. Walk into school, into the lobby where every single student in my high school about 3 000 kids were in various locations of the lobby walk into the lobby with my nike dunks slipped screamed splattered on my back everybody saw never forget it that pop your back made against the ground your your soaked shirt

oh you ever just really trip there's tripping that's like oh my god i fucking see that so embarrassing and then there's like she's dead so this girl's house one time like a gang of people spent the night. It was in college. It was just a shit show. Girl slept upstairs. She had heels on. Went down the stairs in the morning.

No alarm clocks were needed that morning. This bitch fell down the stairs every step dude almost amazing that it sounded the timing it was like that was fake that was fake That was fake. And you know what she did right when she hit the fucking bottom? Oh my God. Like, that's so crazy.

No, you're going to die. You're going to need one of those back braces that that one kid had at your high school and always wore it under his shirt and you're like what is that it was a back brace that's what you're gonna need so my canon moment happened one time when i was an altar server at church it was during the communion part of the mass and they had us kneel to the side on these hardwood floors so it was uncomfortable shit And of course I had all these heavy robes on me and everything. And there was these bright lights above me just beating down on me. So I was sweating like crazy, super uncomfortable. And I ended up passing out

and falling face first onto the floor. So it sounded like a bomb went off. Um, and my parents like rushed to help me. My dad almost interrupted the mass ran on top, up on top of the altar to help me out. But, uh, yeah, they saved me and it was all good. Um, that's my dream to be in church and for someone to interrupt the mass. That's always my dream. Every time I've ever been to church, I'm like, who's going to do it? Who's going to have the balls? Who's doing it? Who's breaking in this whole shebang up, huh? Mr. Andrews, Mr. Prather, who's doing it? Oh my God. How come everybody was fainting in church? What was the big deal? What was it? What was going on? Huh? Huh huh huh big church what are you putting

in the air dude i think i went to church with my sister probably 785 times uh she almost fainted 785 times i was like why is it theeling? Why are we getting all light-headed in church? Is it because it's so boring? Oh my god, is he okay? Yeah, he's fine. He's just bored as fuck. Let him be. Say a prayer for him.

I almost faded in church, dude. Everybody's lips are white in church. Oh my god, are you okay? Are you good? You're lightheaded? Did you eat today? Yeah, I did everything perfectly fine.

I'm just really fucking bored. I just can't take this shit anymore. Our god is an awesome. All right. Shut 269. Fuck. Yo, thank you for the voice messages. Those were incredible.

I'm sorry I fumbled the bag on a couple of them, but you guys are, you guys are the best, man. I mean that shit. Thank you so much for listening to the pod. Put your boys on, put the girlies on, leave a rating, leave a review, subscribe. I love this podcast and I love you guys so much. Thank you. I mean that. Join the Patreon, help your boy out, and I'll talk to you guys next week. For real, I mean that shit. See you next time.