Espresso - whats your college confession?

Episode Date: February 9, 2023

On this episode benny reacts to your college confessions (like stealing footballs from the locker room)💋𝗕𝗲𝗻𝗲𝗱𝗶𝗰𝘁 𝗖𝗹𝗶𝗽𝘀 https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCwJEupKLP-c3i3h8BAq18hQ🔥𝗠𝗲𝗿𝗰𝗵 https://benedictmerch.com/🔒𝗣𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi 🟣𝗔𝗽𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝘀 https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/espresso-w-benedict-polizzi/id1514492317🟢𝗦𝗽𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗳𝘆 https://open.spotify.com/show/1Ka4dMrpfGxYPGZsUJ1Csf🔸𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 https://www.cameo.com/benedictpolizzi?utm_campaign=profile_share🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸 https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺 https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿 https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

All right, college fessions. My college fashion is one time on like a Thursday, I got really drunk and was just wandering around campus and I broke in to a building and I found all the master copies of the college yearbook. So I stole the one that says 1969. Stop. Fuck. One that says 1969. Stop. Stop. Fuck. I'm hot for techno. I'm hot for techno, bitch. Espresso Podcast 249. I'm your mommy, Benedict Polizzi.

And today we're going to find out what your college confession is. What'd you do? Hmm? Find out what your college confession is. What'd you do? Hmm? Even if you're a good little nursing student, you did something fucked up and I know it.

You're an art major? Oh, you're a theater major. All exercise science? Well, guess what? You did something wrong and you know it deep down. But before we get to that, remember to subscribe to the Patreon. $5 a month for an extra episode every single week. Bro, it's like seeing that jacket online for $500, then going to Nordstrom Rack and picking that bitch up for $15. Yes! Same thing. Get your merch at

benedictmerch.com. Listen to guys podcast with me and joey molinero subscribe on youtube too just dropped a new full-length cat calling video check that shit out took me 13 and a half months to edit that and i almost like jumped out of my fucking window 15 times so please watch it and i still think it's kind of blurry. Let me know what you think. And remember to leave a voice message for the espresso question of the week. Let's get into these. What's your college confession? What's mine?

Mine is, oh yeah. Mine's kind of light. I've got a bunch of them. Mine's kind of light though. Every single day, I stole an apple out of the cafeteria because who's eating them and i would just bro i would i almost i think i threw my shoulder out probably 15 times during football season what happened jerem get twisted while you're blocking somebody on a punt return nah i just threw a granny sm Smith in this fountain 100 yards across from the cafeteria every day, dude. And it wasn't just me.

I had a whole gang, bro. Granny Smith gang, you heard of them? Just... Right in the fountain, dude. The water... Best moment of my life every day dude dude the janitor had to be like what are all these apples dude he had to be so confused what else did i do in college i did some dumb shit oh Okay. One time. All right. I worked in the weight room, obviously.

And like I had to open up the weight room at 9 a.m. and I'd leave at like 2 p.m. Like that was our shift. And yeah, you stay. It's pretty dope job. You stay there and like, you know, you wipe off the fucking equipment. You don't really have to. You re-rack. I just had a stroke. You re-rack the weights. You don't really have to because people do that. You make sure some dumb shit isn't going on. You don't really have to do that either because everybody's just working out. You're really there in case somebody gets hurt. Because if somebody gets hurt, you got to tell somebody else. So I would just open up the weight room and then go back to my dorm and fall asleep for four hours.

And then come back and close it. weight room and then go back to my dorm and fall asleep for four hours and then come back and close it. And one day I got fired because of it. Whoops. Don't you love every time I take a nap, that's probably why I don't take naps. Cause every time I take a nap, I get a call and something's fucking dead wrong. 13 people. Every time I take a nap, 13 people need something. I'm like, Jesus Christ. I'm never taking a nap. Then stole a lawnmower from a girl's house during a party in college.

Best night of my life. Best night of my life. That's all we wanted to do was just steal shit and call. That's all I wanted to do. I had so many different, like so many different signs. Dude, I think it was a riding lawnmower just down the street all the way back to the dorms cutting all the grass on the way there. We didn't stop there, bro. We stole our peanut butter her peanut butter bananas Nutella Nutella back then was like gold that's my college confession I know there's a couple more though so let's hear yours

what's your college confession from anonymous my college confession is having sex on the graduation stage the night before walking to get my diploma. Yeah. Damn. I never really thought about that. That shit is like set the, I wonder who was it with? That shit was like set up super early though. It's like when people like, know remember in high school people would like go to your 50 yard line people would like

spend the night on the football field on the 50 yard line think they're like bad as fuck this is the lamest shit ever i can't tell if that's lame or not oh shit it might not be lame if it's like i don't know where you went to college but it's not like ucla or something that's kind of dope but if it's at like you know utt tech itt tech i might go even harder actually you know like one of those colleges you see like during like when jerry springer's on like one of the commercials itt technical institute get your mechanical degree Fix cars That stage Yeah people were having sex in weird places

In colleges huh I always was like weirded out by like the You know in every college there's like One of the it's like the student lobby Those places always freak me out There are like two ping pong tables, a pool table, and like people just chilling.

I was like, I don't want to be associated with that. You know, everybody was fucking in there. When the lights go down and the student lobbies open. Oh my God, let's do it.

Those places always freaked me out. Let's keep going. What's your college confession? I feel like this could fit with nine different questions. You know, what's your biggest lie? You know, what's your biggest secret? What's something you could get arrested for? What's something that you'll take to your grave?

And college. So I started off my job as a contractor. And at one point they wanted to hire me on full time. And I filled out the application. Then my boss called me and said, hey, you said you don't have a four-year degree on here. Well, the job requires that. And you're the person we want. So just click yes.

Yes! Fake college. I mean, I didn't really have a better option, so I did it. And now that boss is gone. The boss, you know boss above him is gone. There's one boss left. I don't know if he knows. I don't think anybody else knows.

So I can't tell anybody. It's not like an open secret. It's a closed one. I can't tell anybody. And so I just got to make some shit up. They all live out of town, so it's never come up.

But if they ever do bring it up, I'll just say I majored in alcohol. I brought it back. in. Alcohology. I brought it back. That's the only every time he speaks on this podcast I'm just like, when's it coming? When's it coming?

When's it coming? Dude, nobody cares. Nobody asked me one time ever during my job. Where'd you go to college? You can make anything up. Harvard, they'd be like, oh yeah? What if they can, fact check you? Nah, bro, nobody's asking if you went to college. Nobody cares.

Half the people I work with in my entire life, none of them go. Everybody I hang out with now, none of them go to college. I was like, what was I doing? What did I even learn in college? The only thing I learned in college was how to deal with people. Or how to get... I don't even know if I learned anything in college. All I did was cheat. That's all you do in college. If you're learning shit in college,

what are you going to be? An archeologist? Who's actually doing what their major is? Oh, you're a communication major. Yeah. Oh, you know what that means? You don't know what the fuck you're doing with your life. Oh, you're a finance major. What's that mean? Oh, I'm just going to do Coke. Oh, you're a nurse. What's that mean? Oh, I'm just a whore. No exercise science major. Oh yeah. What's that mean? I'm just horny. You're not using your major, baby girl. Skip Con. All right, college fashions. My college fashion is one time on like a Thursday, I got really drunk and was just wandering around campus and I broke in to a building

and I found all the master copies of the college yearbook. So I stole the one that says 1969 dude if you're not trying to break into any of your college buildings on campus while you're like a freshman what do you why are you even in college that's half the fun it's like where can i pee and like you know what can i destruct on this property because you know they're ripping you off so you want to get them back somehow so you're like one of these doors got to be open let me go in a class and just steal a fucking book just anything let me get away with anything anything it's 1969 yearbook just where is it you know there's like four like weird librarians librarians just trying to repurpose that book we lost 69

how up in arms of the librarian get to about that. The yearbook? Actually, that's kind of a big deal. The yearbook? You can't just... They don't just have backup yearbooks. You can't just buy a yearbook. You know they have trackers in yearbooks, right? Just a whole... Just a fucking van of librarians pull up to his house flappiest arms ever go go go go go like it's a heist they open the van door they'll have like carts with with the books on them like

up the stairs in the door raid his house with the books on them. Like, up the stairs in the door. Raid his house. Going real slow and shit because they're librarians. But they're doing it so quiet. He doesn't even hear him. He's sleeping. And they raid his house at night,

but they're like, it's like a bunch of mimes, dude. And they can like smell the book. Cause then the librarians, you know, all they do is they're obsessed with books. So they're like,

it's over here. It's right there. This dude's just sleeping on his bed. He doesn't know shit, dude. Cause librarians are the quietest people in the world. It's over there. just sleeping on his bed. He doesn't know shit, dude. Cause librarians are the quietest people in the world. It's over there. It's under his bed. And then you know what the penalty is. They rip at your spine, like a spine of the book. If you steal something from the library, you're going to have four librarians come to your house silently and rip your spine out till they get their book back. That's what it is. Return your books or you'll know what's going to

happen. So Fred, let's keep going. So here's a good one for you. I went to union, a small private Christian school in Tennessee, and I went streaking and I didn't get caught for streaking. When I did it, what happened was I had on some Nike shoes that everybody recognized I wore around school and this girl told her mom. So it happens on a Friday, on a Monday I get a call by the dean of students to come to her office and they tell me that the mom had called and was upset that I was her daughter's first exposure. And then I had to call and apologize that the mom had called and was upset that I was her daughter's first exposure. And then I had to call and apologize to the mom for exposing myself to her daughter, pay a $500 fine.

And then that girl took me on a date party that fall. For streaking? At a Christian? Oh, yeah. I forgot Christian. Wow. That's it? At a Christian school?

They didn't kick you out, dog? How weird are those rules at Christian schools? Doors gotta be open. Doors gotta be open. Dude, they have to like sleep with their doors open and shit at Christian schools. They like can't dance. What the fuck? Uh-uh, You can't dance.

What kind of, what kind of jail am I in? And he's, he was streaking and he got to stay in? $500 fine. How about the fines they give you in college?

You're like, you piece of shit. Some person three years older than me fining me because I was playing music too loud in my dorm. Like, did I tell, did I tell you guys about like in my dorm I had this group of dudes that were just fucking wild and one night all of them set up beer pong and started playing beer pong in like the lobby

where there are ping pong tables and just playing like music because it was like music hours were like good to go. So they're just blasting like Wiz Khalifa playing beer pong and the RAs were like what but it was root beer dude. So all of them were just like just fucking root beer the whole time, bro. Acting like it was beer.

That's the funniest shit to me, dude. Cause RAs, bro. Oh my God. Are RAs the worst pieces of shit in the world? I make the rules. This is my dorm. Dude, the RA in my dorm lived with his weird girlfriend they had like a cat it was on like the first floor i was like oh my god get a life ra bro if you were an ra like people that are ras just have sex, please. Have sex not in your dorm. RAs. If you're an RA, you've never had sex.

Job qualifications for an RA. Have you had sex? No. Welcome to the dorm. Do you also work at Chick-fil-A when you're not in the dorm? Yes. Okay. We'll get you on the first floor. Were you homeschooled? And now you need a sense of

power. Yes. All right. You'll be stationed in Corey Brett's right outside of the dining hall. That was my dorm, dude. Corey Brett's. It was so weird. Corey Brett's was the name of my dorm. I was like, can it be any like weird, weirder? Like, can we put hall at the end? Just so when people ask me where I live, I don't have to sound like a fucking weirdo. Weird, weird ass college shit. Let's keep going.

My college confession. I dropped out of college. And still put it on my application oh that's everybody ever it was for culinary nobody looks into that nobody looks into college ever because it's so boring not not one interview i've ever had so how's college where Where'd you go? Nobody cares. Who's somebody fact checking? Bring your diploma in your back pocket. No clue where my diploma is.

People hang. Hey, people who hang that shit on your wall diplomas. You're an RA now. If you have a diploma hang on your wall, you're an RA. Even like when dentists have that shit up in their office. I'm like, bro, please. Just fix my cavity. I'm proud.

Nobody's checking for college. Culinary though? Culinary school? Make me something girl let's keep going so um i have kind of a few but they're for a while at yep yep okay clearly i don't know how to use voice messages. But one time my freshman year of college, I bought Spray Icy Hot. And I just sprayed it on the toilet seats in the bathrooms on campus. So, sorry. Dude, how bored were you? I swear one time my ass itched so bad in college.

It wasn't the same college though, but I wonder if someone did that to me then. I didn't know that was a trick. I see hot's got to be the most dangerous substance of all time. Yeah, dude, I had like I was in a meeting for football, and my ass itched so bad, and I was in the front row, and I could not itch my ass, because I didn't want everybody to see. So I just kept, like...

Everybody's like, bro, will you sit still i was like yeah yeah just the whole 45 minutes of me doing that because i didn't want to do because because once you scratch your ass bro it's a wrap it's a gateway drug it's like breaking the seal when you're drunk. Once you scratch your ass, bro, it's all you. You got to you got to go in a room by yourself, pull down your pants and just. That was me in college. Right after that meeting, bro. Oh, you got to take a shower, shower too and just let the hot water just

you might have icy hot in my ass somebody did that's wild bro just out of the blue ah fuck it every restaurant on campus, restaurant, restroom on campus. Who are you mad at? Ooh, I would have done that like outside of my teacher's bathroom if I didn't like my teacher. Just keep going. My freshman year of college, I lived in a brand new apartment dorm building and every other floor had the same furniture layout. And so I lived on the fourth floor. What my roommate and I did one night at like 1.32 in the morning, we snuck out into the common area and stole a couch and brought it back into our room.

My roommate went downstairs and got lifts from the janitor's room and made his bed into a bunk bed and put the couch underneath his bed. A couple weeks later, people started to ask questions and realized that the couch was gone. So what we did was we went up two flights of stairs to where that floor had the same furniture, same layout as us. And at like one in the morning, we literally carried the couch down the stairs and put it in our common area on our floor. Why was that so confusing hold on so a couple days later the people on the sixth floor two floors above us the floor that we stole the couch noticed and they alerted the

ras or whoever and we got an email saying if we didn't replace the couch uh they would come into all of our all of our rooms and uh get us in trouble so what we did was we just put that couch on our floor and so our floor now had like five couches never got caught what the fuck bro but first of all dorm couches why are they like always kind of damp you know moist i don't care about i'll say the word moist i don't care because that's what college campuses are they're just all moist five couches on your floor remember hiding shit remember you had to like pack up all your stuff to go on christmas break when you lived in a dorm and you had to like, you had to like, they had like room checks.

The RAs would like check your room and everybody had like secret hiding spots in their room where they're like steal like stash alcohol. There's one there behind my bed. There's like a loose panel of wood. So much bullshit in there. Probably nothing at all. It's probably still in there to this day it's probably a bottle of like hypnotic that i stole from like somebody's like back porch uv blue just the worst fucking alcohol

you're just stealing everything when you're in college because you're like no i'm not 21 bro five couches though five sweaty couches skip con yo dude first time long time so my college confession is i used to steal the footballs from the locker room i think they were like the kickers footballs off to the side with the school logo. And I used to steal them and just have catches and shit and punt them around the campus. Ha ha.

Fuck. Ha ha ha. Fuck. Yeah, if you can steal anything from one of the sporting teams in college, you got it made. I wanted a chair from the basketball team so fucking bad. You Indy basketball team.

You know, they like set the chairs down during game day and they're like real cushy and padded and shit. And there's like a, like a, they're just the best looking chairs, bro. I bet one of those chairs is like a hundred, like $450. Every day when I pass a stadium, I just make, I would just, I look at it like, cause they'd be locked up. I'd a stadium, I just make, I would just, I look at it like,

cause they'd be locked up. I'd be like, are they locked up today? Are they locked up? Are they locked up? And I pull on them. I yank on them and shit. Whoever was locking those chairs up did a good job.

Cause I never fucking stole one. Maybe I did. No, I didn't. I definitely remember that. Cause that's the only thing I wanted to do in college was steal a college basketball chair. But if you can get your hands on a good game ball

like homey was with the kicking balls. Bro, how pissed were those kickers? How pissed were the coaches? Where's all the kicking ball for the special teams? With the embroidered logo? Yo, you're getting away with Murdy. Murdy, dog. you're getting away with Murdy. Murdy, dog. You're getting away with Murdy.

Trying to think of something else I was stealing all the time in college. Apples? Nah. Books? Man, I wanted to steal all those books. Bookstore books? Bro. They're all $700?

Let's keep going. My college confession is that one time, one of my dear friends ran out of toilet paper and she didn't want to spend money on buying more as a college student might do. And so we went to one of the bathrooms in the dining hall and I broke the open, the toilet paper holder. And it was one of those large, you know, big boy ones. And it lasts like two years.

And I took it out and I put it under my coat and walked around and told people that I was expecting, and it worked. No one knew that I had stolen two years' worth of toilet paper from my friend. So, yeah. Yeah, every single building. Colleges know. It's part of the deal. Colleges ordered double toilet paper. Cause like, who's not stealing that shit when you live off, off campus, like, like a block away, half the shit in your apartment is from the college

forks cups. It's all free game, toilet paper, paper plates bags of bread fuck it it's all mine yeah i go here and you're doing me a favor because you just feel like they owe you so much because it's a rip-off when you think about college dude they just owe you i think i stole man. I would just walk out like the cafeteria is such a grab, bro. I'd walk out of the cafeteria with 19 bananas in my coat. Every time I left. See you later. Looks like two fucking like triplets stacked up in my jacket. Just shit. You don't even want just a huge like tub of jelly i'm like i can use it for something so down bad in college stealing everything don't care

i was such a busy in like every free shirt too remember that that? How bad, how down bad were you for a free shirt in college? Oh, I'd do anything. A free shirt. Why was that? Why are college people in free shirts? Such a thing, dude.

We got free t-shirts. I'd be like, I'm going to the event. But if you wear that free t-shirt the next day, you're straight up fucking loser, dude. Don't be the guy that wears the free t-shirt the next day to class. We get it. You don't have any clothes and you don't have any clean clothes and we know you're at the event, bro. We get it. You cut the sleeves off it and you wear it two years later oh you got one of those yeah bro i got one of those let's keep going what's up buddy boy uh just want to give a quick quick little pun

here before we get into this so if a girl ever thinks you're being rude you know you can apologize but then again she may just say i thought that you had been a dick this guy anyway called confession gonna be this one bro is he hiding somewhere is he in his grandma's closet at like christmas he doesn't want anyone to hear him three semesters of spanish the first test I ever answered, everything was in Italian. In semester three, it was all taught in Spanish. For that, we had a part of the course where we had to FaceTime every week with someone in class and screen record it so they knew we weren't cheating. And yeah, your boy had a whole script underneath the camera

that I would just go off of. You better. So, yeah, I got solid D's in every one of those courses, but still pass. Also, love the pod. It's absolutely hands down my new favorite podcast, man. Keep it up. I love you. I got to listen to the beginning of this again because I got lost, bro, halfway through.

I was like hypnotized by his voice. What did he sound? He sounded like the guy who like narrates movie trailers or something. Or like the anonymous guy that like puts his voice through like one of those like deepening filters. What's up, buddy boy? I just want to give a quick, quick little pun here before we get into this. So if a girl ever thinks you're being rude, you know, you can apologize. But then again, she may just say, I thought that you had been a dick.

I don't know. Anyway, called Confession. Going to be this one. Took three semesters of Spanish. The first test I ever answered everything was in italian in semester three it was all taught in spanish for that we had a part of the course where we had to facetime every week with someone in class and screen record it so they weren't cheating and uh yeah your boy had a whole script underneath the camera that I would just go off of. So, yeah, I got solid D's in every one of those courses,

but I still passed. Dude, he sounds like he's trying hard not to let out a huge fart or burp. He's keeping it like... You know, right after he stopped recording, he was like... Back to your normal programming dude he's holding some shit in dog i appreciate that you just had some beefs you just had like a whole beef stew or something it's a half five last one hey ben uh first off i want to say you weren't stealing apples you paid for those apples.

Yeah! They're yours. You can do whatever you want with them. I know! And my college confession is that on the way home from the bars uptown one weekend... Oh, shit! Oh, shit. And my college confession is that on the way home from the bars uptown one weekend,

after some activities, we decided to pee in the president's lawn. Oh, yeah. Ew, girls peeing. We didn't get caught, so that was good. But it was quite the risky move. So when girls pee in lawns and shit, do you guys just squat down? Or do you, like, just spread them and let it rip? Dude, girls piss so, so hard and fast. That would actually be crazy to see that. A dude pissing, it's like controlled, you know? We got it. We fucking

got the silencer on our pee. We're going to screw it on and we got aim, control, steady hand. We're good. Dude. Girls peeing is like, you ever hear a girl? I'm like, God. And they always pee with the door open. Every time you hear a girl pee, I'm like, close the door and like put a towel underneath the crack. So I can't hear this bro girls pee with such force i'm like does that hurt just letting it rip like that on the president's lawn just three girls widespread legs that would be terrifying to wake up and see that in your front lawn it's crazy if we're talking about somebody peeing in my lawn i'd rather have a dude bro put it in a concentrated area girls pee like that one filter on that one like hose sprayer that's just like out of control wacky you know there's like mist jet full dual and there's one that's just like oh i don't fucking know

and it's just going everywhere bro that's how girls be good god man yeah you gotta you gotta pee somewhere weird in college. You do. They owe it to you. You owe it to them. But all right, fam. It's a wrap. Espresso Podcast 249. I'm your host, Benedict Polizzi.

Thanks for listening, for real. Thanks for the voice messages. We gotta get this pod cracking, bro. It's good. I love it, but we got to get it to the next level. So tell your friends to subscribe, Apple podcast, Spotify, subscribe on YouTube. Um, let me know if we can do something to, to boost this shit. Cause I want to get my, I want to get this thing rolling big time this year. It's like one of my big goals and I love this podcast, but I'm like,'t i maybe i need to put out more clips i don't know let me know what you think but like we got potential gotta shorten it up because if i said potential i'd feel like too much like a business meeting right now and i don't want that vibe but remember to get your

merch i'm benedictmerch.com join the patreon five dollars a month for an extra episode every single week and uh that shit's real life on patreon it's real life it's my that's what's going down with your boy every single day is on patreon i can sometimes i feel weird even talking about it but i'm like yeah you guys are fam so go over there subscribe or join the patreon five dollars a month it's a good listen if i do say so myself subscribe on youtube thanks for the likes and comments on social media bro that means so much to me all this shit means so much to me i love you guys for real i gotta go to a show and i might have some shows coming up.

But I'll talk to you guys next week. IFM.