Espresso - what's your completely USELESS talent?

Episode Date: April 18, 2024

support benny and get every other pod and a weekly livestream for $5/month https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzion this ep benny reacts to your completely USELESS talents (like you can put both feet behind my head at the SAME TIME)🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖𝗢𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/Hartford - April 18 Omaha - May 1 Syracuse - May 30💕 WATCH BENNY ON LOVERS & LIARS APRIL 11th ON CW🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

but yeah useless talent babies wait wait what is this yo the da da dee dee da da da oh we're going what's up fam espresso podcast shot 311 i'm your girlfriend benny who's 33 years old and has no idea how to do his taxes. Will he ever? We don't know. Hey, can we talk real quick? But first, upcoming stand-up comedy shows. Hartford, Tonight, Funny Bone. We all kiss. 8 o'clock. See you there.

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next day, but check it. Cause it's got, it's got good reviews. People are going crazy for it. And, uh, it's a hot show. The girls are carrying and I'm scared, but it's a hot show. And I have no, everybody's like, have you seen the whole thing? I have no idea what's going to happen. So every, every single episode I'm watching it like this, like it's a scary movie with like a pillow in front of my face and tell your homies to join the Patreon $5 a month. Get every other espresso podcast in a live stream at the end of the week. It's a, it's a ask me anything free for all live stream. So jump in there with all your, with all any question ever. If it's about

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What am I good at? Honestly, I know when gunshots are going to happen in songs. I'm really good at predicting them. Like, we gonna be hold on just wait like god damn it i love them um i can see puddles really well i mean dude it's just and i know you're like bro what are you talking about like that's gotta be the lamest two talents of all time they are but like i'm telling you if there's a song coming on and like we're halfway through the song and i throw up a little finger gun and it in the song goes you're gonna be like how the wait how did did he make this song and if we're walking through a parking lot after it just rained and I grab you and you're like, what are you doing? I'm like, yo, if you weren't with me right now, your socks would be all wet. Like that's just,

that's just how it goes down. Those are my talent. I don't know. All right. I don't know. That's just what I'm good at. Let's hear yours. What are your completely useless hidden talents? Let's talk. I have a fifth sense. It it's like i have espn or something but my breasts can always tell when it's gonna rain well they can tell when it's raining i don't know man i don't know about that there's always so many people that are like my when i i know when it's gonna rain because my wrists hurt the mom mom that knows it's going to rain all the time because their shins hurt. Like, all right. I don't know if I'm buying it. I know when it's going to rain too, when it's cloudy and in the leaves turn. Like, yeah, everybody

knows when it's going to rain. My boobies are talking to me there's never been one time in the history of my life okay maybe like five times in my entire life where i'm like oh shit it's raining right now you know like was that rain that's happened to me like okay maybe 50 times but every other time i'm like yeah it's gonna rain i got that fifth sentence i got espn let's keep going i can tell fuck boys from a mile off i can tell a fuck boy from a mile off i can tell fuck boys from a mile off all right okay what about uh fuck girls because i'm gonna need your help with that i think everybody deep down is kind of an f-boy i wonder what she thinks i am because i'm not really man i'm not like i look like it but i don't i don't have that i don't have that dog in me i don't have i got that dog in me but it's

a little fucking it's a little white fluffy dog with like black crust in its eyes i think f boys give it away because they're trying to you know you see a dangly earring and a tattoo and like uh like one of those one of those neck tattoos with the real thin cross. I'm like, bro, come on. Completely useless hidden talents. Keep going. We got a lot. I can write my name frontwards and backwards at the same time. I can write anything frontwards and backwards at the same time.

No. I'm a witch. All right. Now that's a talent because i can't even like you know when you're facing a mirror and there's a mirror behind you bro i can't even figure that out like people are like i can cut my own hair i'm like dude you're honestly one of the most talented people i've ever been around in my life like i'm so bad at that writing, dude, I can't even, you know, when you have to digitally sign something like a document and like email to somebody, it might take me 42 times to sign that. Cause I'm like, Oh my God, who wrote this? A you can write frontwards and backwards.

Ew. My handwriting, just frontwards, bro. I got to have the right, everything's got to be, the stars have to be aligned. I have to have the right notebook. I have to be like on the right surface because I can mess up everything. you tell me you can write frontwards and backwards at the same time my head would explode but how'd you figure that out bro you had to be so bored hi eggs benedict i can put both of my feet behind my head at the same time for no other reason other than to ruin my spine i guess you know what i think i i think i put my leg behind my head when i was a kid and i did it in front of my family and they're all really impressed and i was like wow that's it

that's the time okay it's better on the dance floor so you're just naturally flexible but can you put both behind your head and roll down a hill like that that is like the first thing I remember seeing like during a talent show is like some girl like put her leg behind her head and then the whole crowd was like and then she'd like put her whole body

through a tennis racket and you're like alright never mind and then she'd like put her whole body through a tennis racket and you're like all right um never mind completely useless hidden that's not too useless yeah what's the point of putting both legs behind your well well we all envisioned that knew what i was gonna say, but not too useless. If you know what I mean, you could put both legs back there

and really loosen up your lower back. Bro, I can, completely useless talent. I mean, it is definitely useless but i can snap my fingers so loud oh yeah like i will like my cat will just be sitting on the chair and like just staring out into space and i will just snap my finger in the whole house it's like better than the cat just turns around with wide eyes and his little pupils just go completely

small they're just freaking out but yeah completely useless doesn't do any good but yeah that's that's my that's my useless it's pretty good man i thought i had a good snap i'd like to hear yours bro you know what i can't believe you didn't do it you're just gonna send me here i'll talk you're just gonna send me you're all talk you're just gonna send me that and not even hey you ever snap at somebody like you ever like hey and you snap at them and then you're like oh i'm such a bitch for that like you're used to doing it to your dog you're like come here hey come on henry come on let's. And then like somebody's taking too long, like in real life. And you're like, Hey, let's go. I'm so sorry. You try to take your snap back. And you're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're a dickhead. You're a dickhead forever.

I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to snap at you. It's like, yes, you did. You piece of shit. You got that surround sound snap, dude. And you do it at somebody that hurts deep down. You think I'm a little fucking puppy, huh? That's a good talent. I don't know if that's useless, bro. You can get some damage done. You ever like in your third grade, like almost said Gwade and you guys all heard it. You ever in like your third grade, like said guade and you guys all heard it you ever in like your third grade

like Christmas program and you got there's a song where you're like but you're carrying like and everybody's turning their heads kind of like yeah I'm the snap guy I can't sing for shit but I'm that guy you need somebody to snap

I'm carrying the snaps i think i got a pretty good snap dude let's keep going my completely useless hidden talent is that i can guess people's glasses prescriptions insane i worked at an optical shop for a couple of years and based on the thickness of your glasses lenses, I can usually figure out what your prescription is, which is completely useless. Oh man. Um, isn't it kind of funny? I always get a little giggle when somebody is like real smart and they think they're all fucking cool and way better than you and then they uh like turn their head and their glasses are their lenses this thick i'm like

okay all right smarty pants you can't even see your hand in front of your face i think it's so funny i'm like how blind are you really and it's always those real blind ass people. I'm like, I can guess that prescription too. Blind. It's always those real blind ass people that like can't wear contacts. I'm like, dude, can you just wear a contact? People that don't wear contacts. I'm like, are you sure? Have you tried? And they and they're like yeah they just don't like agree with my eyes i'm like baby they don't agree with mine either are you shitting me for the first year i had contacts i was like they're stinging and they're they irritate my eyes for half the day i was like i think you're just being a bitch no contacts like don't work with me.

Like I tried, but like, dude, you know how annoying it is to put glasses on all the time? Actually, you know, contacts and glasses in general. Hey, can we update the stuff? Update the stuff on another episode of Update It. LASIK surgery, everybody. Like it should be like getting your license. I don't know, man. And I've been that guy that has two different prescriptions, like one for my right eye,

one for my left eye. It doesn't matter matter i'll always switch them up i think my eyes are completely even now because like i've switched my left to my right and my right to my left so many times the amount of times my right contact has been on my left eye my my eyes are like fuck it he's an idiot we'll just be even it's i've like i've actually like my eyes have trained themselves to be the same because I'm just so dumb. Can guess glasses prescriptions. Bro, you were probably baller when you worked at that optical shop. Didn't even need to look at the chart. I don't know. I have no idea. That's a, that's a big like girl thing. I have no idea that's a that's a big like girl thing I have no idea what my prescription is like if you have to ask a girl like what's your contact prescription she'll be

like uh negative 25 negative 28 I have no idea what mine is I'm just like I don't know I just the ones that say L I put in my left eye the ones that say R I put in my right eye that I switch them up because I don't know because I like lose them and shit dudes don't know dudes don't be knowing we don't know the facts baby completely useless hidden talent i don't know if ben's gonna appreciate this one as much as maybe some others hey the voice on this cat but if you were in middle school and you could bang out some legit pencil slash pen tricks or flips like where you've got it and you spin it around your hand and catch it. Ooh. My secret hidden talent is I could do any and every of those back then and still today. Somebody would show it to me.

I'm like, wait, how'd you do that? And they do it one more time. And it's bam. Just had the unbelievable understanding of the aerodynamic nature of those writing utensils and would just dominate those. That's sexy. That's low-key middle school riz. Just saying.

Just saying. Low-key. Are riz just saying just saying low-key are you risen up dude now that get that one kid which kid that kid that can like flip his pencil around you know i mean like he was that kid respect dog you were getting honeys with that number two you have a mechanical joint hey that's my pencil and you're just like playing keep away but you're like flipping it throughout your fingers. It's always been a skill that I've wanted, but I've never tried to, to have it. You know, I'm always like, damn, you know, when drummers are like, I'm like, ah, damn that little between their fingers before they started. That shit is hard. And he was just doing that in math class.

It was like, he's reloading his like brain. Like when he's about to write a paragraph, he's like, then search. Right. You're, I don't know. i don't know if that's useless dude my dog out here in seventh grade just getting chickies with the big mechanical good for you at first i thought he was gonna say uh the pencil tapping on the desk. I had a couple of homies that knew how to do that. They weren't great, but I was kind of like, what is that?

It gave me big time. Like how did, how did people just know how to do that? You know, like when I was in middle school and people were pencil tapping, I was like, Oh, that just must be like a my school thing that must be like him like his thing but but like it turns out that there's like that was like a big deal like there's people on tiktok now that are like and I'm like everybody knew how to pencil tap and like that little s in school, remember that S everybody drew? I was just like, oh, cool.

That's like something that my school knows how to do. Like, that's cool. Like no one else knows, you know? Like I told my cousin, my cousin was like, I've never seen that. I was like, oh, it's just my school. Now it's like the number one symbol of all time. Let's get going. time i can tell when my husband has to poo by how his farts smell oh man that's i i don't think i ever want to know anybody that well you know what i've got a different one this just this just triggered my brain i've got a different

talent i didn't tell you guys about you can tell when your husband has to poo by how his fart smells that's insane i wonder what his like his don't have to poop farts smell like this is such a crazy thing to talk about just just just on a thursday talking about this like nah it doesn't have to poop but then does it get yeah it probably gets real like whoa whoa whoa i hate it when people call me out for that like you ever just rip around somebody and they're like, bro, you sure you don't have to shit? I'm like, I think I would know. I hate that, bro.

Nothing pisses me off more than that. Bro, you better like check your pants. I'm like, dog, I know how I fart. Like what? Don't act like you know how I fart more than me. Crazy. You think you are the my hidden talent that i didn't tell you guys about if i'm around somebody something a like a landmark you know things that have like like like certain smells my my shit will smell like that it is the weirdest thing please let me know if anyone else has this

but if i'm like um in a lake all day that like you know lakes have like different smells like i'll go home take a shower and go to the bathroom and my shit will smell like that lake i'm like that i'm like did i just just just did lake water just fly out of my ass or if i'm around somebody you know how people have certain smells like Like I will, like I'll, I'll, and I'm like, that smells like her. I don't know what's going on, dude. I just absorb or like your buddy's house smells like, you know, it just has a smell. It's not bad. It's not good, dude.

When I get home, it smells like Craig's. I don't know if anybody else has that what is that let's keep going i own a duck farm and uh i can tell that by their quacks which one's sick and which one is not or which one is horny or which one is overly used to say it the least. Wait, what was the last thing she said? Is overly used to say it the least. What is that word? Which one is overly used. Overly used?

To say it the least. Oh, okay. I get it. I don't know. I'm kind of pervy. So I think I know what you mean, but maybe not. So what you're saying is you speak duck. When they're horny, when they're sick, and when they're overlyny when they're sick and when they're overly used wow i've never seen a duck

mate before and i kind of don't want to i feel like ducks are the most innocent nice creatures ever so what are they making or like in you know know, by your neighborhood pond? They all sound the same to me. Like you're just you horny big dog. They're all just hungry as shit. Hidden talent can tell when ducks are horny. Goddamn, a duck farm though, huh? We got a long one. I love you, burpy boy.

Oh, whoa. Okay, completely useless hidden talent. Can't wait. Isn't actually totally useless, but I know how to lucid dream. Oh. And before you and everyone listening says, oh, I know how to do that dream. And before you and everyone listening says, oh, I know how to do that too. Oh my God, I do that too. Hold on. I've never met anyone in my entire living, 30 plus years. People do say that all the time. Oh yeah, I can like lucid dream.

Hey, shut up. Who knows how to do this? So I think people get confused about what lucid dreaming actually is. So I'm just going to explain it. I love this. I love this. But lucid dreaming is when you're in a dream and suddenly you realize that you are dreaming whilst in a dream. And you're like, she pulled out the whilst. She knows what she's talking about. I've done that in a dream before.

I've been like, oh shit, I'm dreaming right now. But then the rest of the dream is kind of lame. The dream loses its magic. Holy shit. Holy shit. I'm dreaming. What do I want to do? Who have I been meaning to punch in the face?

Who do I kind of want to make out with? Nice. You could do whatever your brain can conjure up i mean i could literally be like ryan gosling appear in front of me and no way just like it like magic he's there shut up and i could be like you want to make out no and however he responds is usually in my favor in the dream like i can't explain how fun it is i could be like uh bring me to the top of a building and i'm gonna sprint off and fly in the air like superman and actually feel what it feels like to fly oh my god i can be like hey bring up my worst enemy no let me punch them in the face stop it hey that old man over there let

me go pants them that's a light you could do the most ridiculous things anything you've been meaning to do draw back though your body gets so excited once it realizes that it's lucid dreaming because it's like oh my god oh my god what what are we gonna do what kind of destruction are we gonna create that it usually wakes you up like within a minute so you got to get it's like, oh my God, oh my God, what are we going to do? What kind of destruction are we going to create? That it usually wakes you up like within a minute. So you got to get it out like real quick, whatever it is. Dude, is that the biggest life hack of all time? Hold on, there's more. Also, it's me again. There's ways that you can promote lucid dreaming if you're wanting to try it. Not everyone can do it, but there are like techniques because once you do it, you're going to want to do it all the time because it's magical. Um, but people have like these bracelets that they

wear that'll vibrate throughout the day. Like every, I don't know, like every hour, like the bracelet would be like, and just vibrate so that you get in the habit, like while you're conscious to be like, Oh, I'm wearing a bracelet for lucid dreaming. It just vibrated. Right. Okay, fine. And then when you're sleeping and when you're dreaming, it's going to vibrate and you're going to look at your wrist and be like, wait, am I dreaming right now? Or is this reality? And you might be like, oh my God, I'm dreaming. Here we go. Or, um, a lot of times, sometimes you're in a dream and you're like, wait, is this a dream? Or is this reality? Like, I don't want to fuck this up, right? Like we can't mix this up because sometimes it's hard in the dream to know.

So another trick, you look at your hand and your hand will always be distorted if you're in a dream. I don't know why. I don't know the science, but I always look down at my hand and it'll be like, I'll have six fingers instead of five. And I'll be like, okay, perfect. I'm dreaming. And I run off and do whatever I want to do. Or I'll look at my hand and like, all of my fingers are like worms or they're like octopuses. like, ew, is that a word? Sorry. They're octopuses. But your hand will be effed up in some way. And you're like, okay, dream confirmation. Let me go do what I need to do. Let me get some things off the old chest. All right. If any listeners, if any of your listeners do lucid dream, like let's meet up,

let's have some fun. Let's like go fly together i mean i can talk to no one about this it's so useless oh i love you thank you for the voice message that was so i feel like i'm dreaming right now i don't think i'd be a good candidate for lucid dreaming because i'd confused my dream for real life and I'd blow somebody's head off of the shotgun just like on a Thursday oh my god my bad police show up I thought I was lucid dreaming so you meet up and what's the lucid dream community up to I feel like I want to know how many people have killed me run over me with a car in their lucid dream. Bro, I would, that would not be good for me. Damn, dude.

Dude, I'm so lame. My lucid dream would just be like me eating a ton of food. What'd you lucid dream about? be like me eating a ton of food. What'd you lucid dream about? Did you kill somebody? Did you have sex? Nah, dude, I just ate as much food as I could. It's actually my dream to eat and not get full. Who's lucid dreaming though?

Maybe that's a question of the week next week. What was your insane lucid dream? What was the insane thing you did? What'd you do? What'd you have to get off your chest testing testing the kardashian has a crimson crucifix the kardashian has a crimson crucifix testing testing all right it works uh my useless hidden talent is that I'm really good at the game Crossy Road. It's basically a modern version of Frogger, where you're trying to get through traffic and you're trying to get over lakes without dying. Trying to get over lakes without dying. And there's not much of a purpose. You don't even get anything in the game.

Like, I'll win the level for that day on the whole game. And they don't give you anything for it. You don't get, like, some all-time ranking in the game. Yeah. They won't shout me out on social media i've been harassing them for a while now um there's no purpose for this like any other dumb skill like there's at least some use like fantasy football like technically i could make money yeah off of it or you know spelling like i mean i can't make money off of it but it's good to know how to spell so you don't look like a fucking dummy um crossy road i mean i guess it's good for

extreme jaywalking like hey you want to go to this crosswalk and not die nah i've been preparing for this dude Watch me Crossy Yeah watch me as I Dodge traffic Oh jeez Hey don't get rammed Talk it Later Um later um crossy road bro i haven't played a game on my phone in so goddamn long i'm kind of scared

to step back into it because i don't want to turn into to like ipad kid you know ipad kid at the restaurant and you're just like your kid's so fucking nerdy you know big ass weird green headphones on big iPad big green case on it ew crossy road

I will say nah I don't want to say it I will say, uh, nah, I don't want to say it. Actually. I was going to say I'm good at crossing the street, but dude, knowing me, I'll say this and get just

put in a next week by a fucking Nissan Altima. Yeah. That's what I always kind of thought about video games like crossy road's probably a phone game it sounds like but like video games when my friends would play video games all the time i'd be like why are you even doing it if you can't make money i know that's like such a guy like fucking thing if you can't make money why are you doing it just for fun but it's just kind of like damn dog like you don't get anything out of that just playing your friends in video games not a talent of mine any video game i'm trash bro i'm so trash. Like, I honestly think maybe that's next week's question. What are you the worst at for no reason?

Bro, I am so bad at Mario Kart. And it's always every single girl ever is like, let's play Mario Kart. Why are girls so good at Mario Kart? Girls so good at Mario Kart. Girls so bad at actually driving. But for real, why are girls so good at every girl i've ever played a mario kart just whooping my lap in me and i'm so bad dude i can't even turn i turn i'm off the map every time sixth place the race is already finished that's the that's the drive of shame

right there you're trying to finish on mario kart and the girl you're playing is just watching you because she's been done for 25 minutes it's like okay now turn oh you're so bad at this dude i'll give a girl a quick playing mario kart go ahead play I'm all, I'll admit it too. I'm like, yo, I'm, I'm trash at this game. They're like, okay. But then like it happens, bro. I'm really bad at, uh, what are you bad at? That's so bad at beer pong. Never been good. Um, played beer pong, uh, this year for the first time in a long time, didn't hit one cup. And,

and just pretending that, uh, that I have been hitting cups the whole time. Like just, just hoping the other team doesn't like think like, damn dog, you haven't like realized like, damn,

you haven't hit one. So bad. I don't know if this counts or not, but I have exactly 1,427 books in my home office library. And I don't know if you consider this a talent or it's just because I'm autistic, but without being in the room, I could tell you the exact location

of any book in the collection. Like I can tell you what shelf it's on, how many books in from the left or which row it's in. No. The exact like latitude and longitude. Shut up. No, I'm just kidding. I hate math. But yeah, I could tell you the exact location of any book there.

But yeah, I could tell you the exact location of any book there. But this is completely useless because this skill does not translate to anything in real life. Like, I actually don't know where anything else is. I misplace stuff all the time. So yeah, and it's not even useful to me because I have eyes. So if I need to find a book, I just go look for it. So I don't know. It's just, I don't know if you consider that a talent or not, but either way, it's just completely useless. Don't know where my sock is, but I can tell you where the sorcerer's stone is. 1,427 books in my home office. 1,427 books in my home office bro, we are not the same. Home. First of all, don't have that. Office. How scared were you to go into like someone else's like family houses? Like, you know, when, when like you started like going over to people's houses

and their dad had an office, I'd be like, ew. Everything in there feels so weird. their dad had an office, I'd be like, eww. Eww. Everything in there feels so weird. Oh, the fact that I'd never be able to work in that office, you know? Yeah, I need an office, honey, to do my work. I'd be in there doing

nothing. You have a home office library with 1,427 books i need to read more god i'll never do it man i'll never do it why don't you just read a book why don't you read a fucking book is anyone i sound like an idiot. I sound stupid, but who's doing that? I feel like people, when they read are just showing off. Like, unless you're like by the pool, you know, you sneak on a sneak up on somebody reading. It's like, all right, props. But I think when people are in public reading, they're just like, yeah, I do this.

I do it. The most reading I do, I guess I'm a, I'm a writing guy. I'm a writer. All I write are like Instagram comments. Not bad though. Not bad. Some of those guys, the first comment on every tiktok i'm like that guy is like a literally a genius i'm just dude the fact that you have 1427 books do you know where they are i guess everybody does have their little like weird tick everybody knows one thing like everybody's a genius about one thing and for you it's your library it's your books top left what's top left huh that red one what's that one what's my little weird ick dude or tick

I know every uniform in every in in uh the NBA in the NFL I know every little detail on every uniform I can just fucking I can look at it for three seconds and I know everything about it is it useless? Yes. Does queefing on command count as a useless talent? Do it. Oh my God. Hey, next time we do this question,

bro, you better, you better put on, you better not be all talk. You're not going to do, you're not going to squeeze one out on command. I don't believe you. I'm a burp on command guy. I out on command? I don't believe you. I'm a burp on command guy.

I can do it. I don't do it, but I can do it. No, that wasn't bad. That didn't sound like I just conjured it up in my throat. That kind of sounded legit. I don't know. I just practiced over practiced over and over and over i was like how do people just burp i want to figure it out and i just did it you know what a useless talent is when you can flip your eyelids inside out i don't know how to do that i've always been a little too scared but that is something like when kids were doing that growing up, I was like, yo,

what, how did you figure that out about yourself? And it was always the weirdest kids that like, kind of smelled a little bit. You're like, damn, always a weird kid on the bus. Eyelids flipped inside out. You're like, ah, how are you guys doing? By the way? People with eyelids that are flipped inside out. How are we doing? Are we still alive? Can you still flip them inside out? Is that just like a thing that stops when you're like 13? How are you guys doing?

Honestly. Honest question. People that can flip their eyelids inside out. What's going on with you? Are you in jail? Is anyone... If you can flip your eyelids inside out pixar didn't happen i don't think i've never seen an adult do that so my useless talent having babies we swallow them or throw myself down a flight of stairs kidding kind of not really that's why we have the iud but yeah useless talent babies wait wait what is this yo hold on so my useless talent having babies we swallow them or throw myself down a

flight of stairs kidding kind of not really that's why we have the iud but yeah useless talent and babies. Ha ha. Fuck. So she's saying she just gets pregnant all the time? I'm so lost, yo. You just be having babies and like killing them the next day? Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh shit.

I don't know. I don't know what that means, but is she getting like, is she super like getting pregnant all the time? Isn't it kind of weird? Dude, girls will tell you anything, dog. I swear.

I don't even know if that's what she's talking about, but girls will tell you anything. They will just say it all. And I'm like, don't you think you shouldn't say that? Like you've known me for five minutes type shit. and I'm like don't you think you shouldn't say that like you've known me for five minutes type shit maybe I'm just a very secretive person but sometimes I'll have a conversation with a girl and she will she'll tell me how much money she has in her entire bank account like in the same

hour I met her I'm like thanks for trusting me so much talk to a girl for an hour i know how much money she has how many dudes she's had sex with who she's talking to right now what her job description is how much she gets paid where she lives i'm like no wonder you guys are getting like kidnapped and shit shhh sometimes it's outrageous and they're like you never why don't you say anything ever I'm like what bro

why don't I say anything it's because you're asking me outrageous questions let's keep going hi my name is gabby and i have a really cool hidden talent slash party trick um you can literally tell me any celebrity's name and i can either guess or just know their exact age on that. Like literally. And with some, I can tell you their birthdays.

No, I'm just good. I can just look at a picture of a celebrity or just know the celebrity in my head and tell you their age. So that is my fun party trick. Nothing more fun than like thinking about it so dude i probably did that my whole entire like uh when i was like 25 years old i just thought about celebrities and looked them up i was like how old is that motherfucker and that's all i would do at work on the clock. I was like, wait, wait, wait,

wait, wait. How old is Skip Bayless? Like, you know, you're just like, hold on. You have to know it's such a fun game. And no matter what age is in your head, the age that pops up on Google, you're like, Oh no way. Dude, people are so young too. I'll never understand that about like, like music artists and rappers sometimes. Imagine doing the shit they're doing. They're like 18. I'm like, I didn't even know how to spell when I was 18 how do people know how to do shit so early in

their life like what kind of life did you have where you're just 18 and coming out with like like platinum records you're 18 bro did like what are your parents what do you did you not have a normal like what what what is your life like when you're just like props to them bro they got it together when they're 18 sorry it took me 30 years to figure out how to do anything and i'm still bad at it like how are people do i'll never get that that is amazing to me. Justin Bieber and shit. Yeah, he got found on YouTube because he was such a good singer. I'm like, bro, I didn't even know how to upload a video on YouTube till like last month.

I don't know, bro. Maybe I'm just dumb. Yeah. So my first hidden talent is that I can bend my thumbs backwards and touch my arm. my thumbs backwards and touch my arm and my second one is that my toes are so long that i can use them as like a second pair of hands to pick things up and even open doors that's nice i like because i got some strong ass feet i think i i think we could go up against each other you're trying to play footsie? Not in some weird way, but like, I don't really think my feet are agile. Like my toes aren't like, I can't like knit a blanket. I can't crochet a blanket with my toes, but yo, my feet, I could slap you across the face

of my feet and you'd And you'd be like damn dog Like I feel like I could climb a tree Real easy like just with my feet I don't know what bro I got some strong ass feet I don't know how it happened either I'm trying to think What was I doing when I was growing up? My toes are all jacked up.

Definitely can't do anything with my toes because they're all looking the wrong direction. But boy, if we get in a foot fight, maybe it's because I jumped on the trampoline a lot. I know that sounds crazy, but like I did. My whole entire summer, every single year, I was just jumped on the trampoline a lot. I know that sounds crazy, but I did. My whole entire summer, every single year, I was just jumping on a trampoline. Maybe that makes your feet strong. Strong foot espresso fam. We ride together.

Old strong foot. Hi, Benedict. First of all, so excited to see you back on my TV. I love you. I hope you find love. I'll be watching. Second, my useless hidden talent is that I can talk without opening my mouth. It's not like a ventriloquist where I smile and like throw my voice and talk.

I have to. My mouth has to be closed and my cheeks fill up with air. And it sounds like there's a teeny tiny person inside my mouth. That's it. It's useless. I don't remember how I discovered it. It is really good at impressing drunk people oh uh but that's it okay i hope you have a good day bye i love you but i cannot believe you didn't do it right there i was thinking about this when i put this question out

like should i say like and do it if you can on the voice message but i was like that's so obvious like that's my attempt i did kind of sound like mickey mouse a little bit I can't do shit with my tongue I can't do anything bro My talents are wacky Alright three more My useless talent Is I have good judgment on counting

Things So like even without Like looking I'll just like Get it like Say you have ten cups And you need to grab, like, 10 straws to put them in. I'll just grab 10 straws without even looking. Oh, hell yeah. I've always, like, evened out.

I don't even know what you would call it, but, yeah. Like, a couple days ago, I was hanging up my clothes and i just grabbed like a few hangers and it just was the perfect amount of hangers no fucking way like stuff like that so that's it's my useless talent i'm always grabbing one less and taking 15 more trips and I drop it and I'm like I gotta take it dude I've never done anything perfect ever never and when it happens I'm like wow like what bad thing is gonna happen to me now anytime something works out for me I'm like yep well now I'm gonna get hit by a car like it's just how it is shorty's grabbing hangers dude i can do that little indian whistle um that you do with your hands like the little good bad and the ugly do it yeah that's about all i got yo that's that's hard he did it bro yes thank you dog That's hard. He did it, bro. Yes!

Thank you, dog. Espresso talent show? Espresso useless talent show. I don't know, bro. That little Indian Native American whistle, that kind of... I know you were hitting that back in the day. Oh, that she wants is another baby that's going to own her. I don't think it's too useless, big dog.

My useless hidden talent is that I'm amazing at bowling. Someone please tell me when bowling is going to benefit me in my life. See, I'm so bad. God, why am I so fucking bad at everything? I just don't care. Like if we're going bowling, I'm like, I don't really care about this at all. So I'm not even going to try. And and if i tried i'd be so bad too i will get a gutter every time and i look i kind of look like i'd be good at stuff so that's why people are like you suck

i'm like i know i'm so bad there are people that are just so good at bowling like literally every single time they'll get a strike and I'm like how are you so good at this amazing amazing I'm good at badminton it's my thing I got one talent badminton

I can see puddles in badminton i can see puddles in badminton man do not take me bowling unless you want to like you'll look at me different after we go bowling you'll be like bro like not even close last one so i have absolutely zero idea how I came to find out that I could do this completely useless secret talent. But for some reason, I'm pretty dang good at making chicken noises. Let's hear it. Let's hear it. Everybody's got a little bit of chicken in them nah mine's kind of whack she's kind of nailing that though at the end

at the end that little quick one that little quick one you know i'm talking about right here that's some shit i'll hear in the middle of the night you know when you're like kind of awake but kind of asleep and you're sitting in your bed and you're like really kind of dozing off i always hear this and i'm like was that a chicken or did i just dream that you know what i'm saying that happens every fucking night i'm like okay there's literally i know i'm to look to the left and there's going to be a chicken in my kitchen. All right. Wow. Useless hidden talent.

Thank you for the voice messages. I love you guys. Bro, but I think some of you shorted yourselves there. You could have. You could have. Queef girl. Where you at? Where you at?

Prove it. All talk. Next time we do useless hidden hidden talent bro i want it i want to hear it so he's creepy all right dear diary um let's see i went on the news ktla to promote lovers and liars with Nikki Glaser. And I'm so out on news every single time I've ever dealt with the news. I used to, I used to be an intern at a news to do.

They're all just robots. Ooh, yeah, they're all so rope. I'm like, are you guys even real like does this even matter like y'all you guys don't even have like opinions or anything bro i went to ktla thinking they were the p the final boss of news robots because you'd think right in hollywood welcome to hollywood brother they were lit this made me want to be on

the news these news anchors were like gassing me up i was like nice hair bro and he's like yeah it's all fucking fake i was like that's what i'm talking about dear diary i went on the news and the news people were lit um and i forgot how short segments are a note to self if you're going on news on a major broad on a major like network news station big market california hollywood big market news if you're going, big market, California, Hollywood, big market news. If you're going on big market news and they ask you if you want to do grooming, which is hair and makeup, say yes, because, uh, your boy just passed it up. They're like, Hey, you're going to be at the news on, uh, at, uh, 8 AM KTLA. We'll get you a car or whatever. You have a $500 grooming budget. I was

like, okay. All right. It sounds good. Um, what does that even mean? Like, I don't know shit. They're like, it means like you can have somebody like do your hair and makeup for like, and they have like a 500. I'm like, what? All right. I'm good. Like, I don't even know. Like, where are we going to meet up and do this at like 6 a.m.?

I don't know. It's so confusing to me. And I was like, I'll pass. Like, I think I'm good. Bro, I looked like shit. I went on the news all like you know i think my natural beauty is superior bro i look like trash i'm around these news anchors that are glowing hair perfect tan skin i'm with nikki glazer she looks beautiful cheeks tan

eyes just popping off the screen my pale ass wearing a white button up hair all like i just got out of bed note to self bro if you got a budget for hair and makeup use it bro if you got a budget for hair and makeup use it they're probably like who's this slap dick who just walked on set is he gonna burp or something jesus cringe moment of the week hey uh all right my living situation is like I live in a back house right now and there's an upstairs and a downstairs and somebody's there thinking about moving in the downstairs. So the girl that owns the house is like showing this girl around, like showing the, like, okay, so, uh, you'd, you live down here. Like if that works for you, uh, I'll show you the upstairs okay so uh you'd you live down here like if that works for you uh i'll show

you the upstairs unit just so you can get a feel for what it looks like and stuff like that so i'm in my apartment the upstairs unit home girl just two girls just run up in my apartment real quick. And I'm like, Oh my God, I don't have a shirt on like, like most of the day I don't have a shirt on. It's not cause I'm like hot. It's cause I'm going to spill food on myself. And like, I'll also, I don't want to make a shirt smell like, so I'm just like, not, it's like when you eat, when you eat food, but you don't use a plate, you're like, I just don't want to wash that later. It's like that kind of thing.

But for clothes and for, you know what I mean? I'm like, bro, whatever. I'll just not wear a shirt. I don't have a shirt on. I'm S I'm all like sitting on my chair.

I had no idea this was going to happen. Sitting on my chair with my ass. Oh shit. With my ass in the air like the most vulnerable position i've ever been in my life shirt off i look like i'm about to get railed in the middle of the living room. These two girls walk in my apartment, dude, I just took, um, the dumbest, a big dumpy, dumb shit. And I'm like, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, yo, like, hear me out. Not now. And she's like, no, just be quick.

I'm talking about like, you know, when you smell somebody's shit and you know everything about their entire life that's how my apartment like just like wow like you know after you take one you're like that was not okay like thank god no one's home you know what i mean like one of those and then somebody walks in your apartment like two minutes later bro there's like streaks in the toilet and stuff because i just thought you know i'll get it in a minute like i'm not expecting bro okay and here's here and here's the bathroom i'm like cringe moment of the week give me a warning bro and then the worst part of the whole thing worst part of the whole thing it always has to do with shit with me cringe moment of the week

because it's so embarrassing worst part of the whole thing they're both walking out it was a quick thing and i'm like just doing i'm like wow oh my god sorry sorry i didn't know any the girl that they're showing the apartment to looks back at me when she's leaving and smut i was like does she know i just took a huge shit and she's like mocking me i was like yo i gotta fucking move to indiana this is crazy oh my god why am i always shitting and farting at the wrong time? I tell you, I was, uh, there's this little room. There's like a laser, um, red light therapy, hair treatment. I used to do for my hair, got a hair transplant was going,

was hitting red light therapy hard because I was I like wanted my hair to grow back super fast because I was getting ready to film f-boy so I was like get that you know give me my red light therapy like twice a week it's this little tiny room it's like the size of like a like a almost like porta potty size a little bigger like a handicapped porta potty you know like you got some space in there, but not much at all. I sit down in the red light therapy chair. Can I come in? I can't say no. I can't say no. What am I saying? No, not right now. now who's for what what am i doing in there something what i what am i doing in there jerking off i'm like yeah come she doesn't even she doesn't give me one second to like debate why she can't come in can i come in door opens i'm like oh my god

this girl is just talking to me. Eye to eye, trying to explain something to me about my hair care therapy. While both of us in our heads are like, Oh, in my, I'm telepathically looking at her. Like, I'm so sorry. I just, I just like my, my insides just came out in here. Cause I thought I was going to be alone and she's looking at me telepathically saying what you doing here just light 15 balloons on fire you fucking gross

ass bitch take a shit for once in your life and she's talking like professionally about hair and I'm just like and now every time I see her I'm like the nicest person of all of i see her i'm like the nicest person of all of all time because i'm like she she knows everything about me she smelled that she knows everything about me and i'm just so nice to her and so funny with her because like

i'm just trying to erase the fact that can i come in cringe moment of the week let's do days when we get out of here Thursday today Hartford kiss o'clock

exercise day I feel like such a piece of shit if I don't do one exercise every day even on an off day I'm like god I feel like it's such a putz ew it's always the answer for everything too you ever notice that you just need to exercise I don't get how people don't exercise though actually like you ever meet somebody that's like i don't work out i'm like so what do you do then like you don't work out at all i don't work out i'm like i mean there's

really damn it's so funny like uh i looked up the cure for sleep paralysis, sleep paralysis, the condition where you go to sleep, your whole body freezes, but your eyes can look around the room. You can't talk, can't move paralyzed, but your eyes can, can look around and there's a demon in the corner of your room. This is a real thing. Sleep paralysis, always an evil being in your room. This is a real thing. Sleep paralysis, always an evil being in your room somewhere. Every time you get it, I've gotten it probably a thousand times. I'm like over it though.

And I'm like, what's the cure going to church? Like, do I need an exorcism? The cure is you need to exercise more. That's it? Run a couple laps so you don't see the human dog lady at night in the corner of your room. It's amazing.

Friday. Clean out your medicine cabinet day. I have so much shit. The amount of times I've moved like in the past year, dude, I have so, so much bullshit. And I can't throw any of it away. Like I moved across the country and half the shit I moved was like,

I couldn't, I couldn't not like waste stuff a little bit like a box of Q-tips, a box of Q-tips I took from Indiana to California. Cause I was like, why would I throw this away? Damn. Why don't you just throw it away and pay $4 for another box of Q-tips? I'm like,

I just don't. Oh, I just don't. I clean out my ears very irregularly. Like I clean out my ears when I see Q-tips. I'm like, oh shit, I better do that. Boy, today, God knows what was on those things. A different species of COVID could have been on there. I was like, I don't know. We ever clean your ears out so good. You're just like, what the fuck was that? Or you forget for like a week and then you're like, oh, Q-tips exist. Put it in your ear. And you know when it's going to be good too. Cause when it's in your ear and you're swirling around, it like feels different. You're like, Oh, these don't feel clean. These don't feel clean. I feel like when I use a Q-tip, I take it out of my ear and I could light it on fire and it would just like a sparkler

clean out your medicine cabinet day. Me always forgetting that you can open up the uh the mirror and there's like shelves behind it and shit i'm like oh yeah well it happens in every place i've ever lived in i'm like oh yeah you can open this up and i open it up there's nothing on the shelves and i'm like why would i put anything there i'd forget it was all back there on another episode of he's stupid saturday 4 20 happy feeling glonky day cheddar fries day of course cheddar fries days is on 4 20 i can't smoke dude i can't shit gets too real every time i smoke i smoke i'm like i need to quit i hate it there's i maybe there's been one time where i had like i don't know is it is it

every time i smoke it's a different result is that because it's different weed and it's just like random i'm not i don't do it all the time dude i smoke maybe like twice a year on some random shit like super like all right i guess like i'll take a hit and it's always i'm always like this is so much fun i'm relaxed. It's been fun maybe twice. But every other time I'm like, I can hear the angels screaming right now at me. I don't know. Sunday.

Chocolate covered cashews day. There's always one. There's always one of these days that's some bullshit. Chocolate covered cashews day. There's always one. There's always one of these days that's some bullshit. Chocolate covered cashews. Slap my ass and call me Becky. Chocolate covered cashews by themselves are gas. You don't need to cover those in chocolate. My dad had so many cashews at his house dude sometimes i would go i would drive to his house just to eat the cashews that's so dumb but it was like a little incentive i'd be like do i want to go to that part of town today well my dad does have those cashews i could stop by and they're in like a container like this so i just pop the top and drink cashews anyway

that's it fam what is this 311 shot 311 11 useless talents i love it thank you for the voice messages wild pod bro hartford i'm to see you tonight. Omaha, I'm coming May 1st. Syracuse, Columbus. We're going to have a jolly old time. We're going to have a gay old time. But I'll talk to you guys soon.

Thank you for the voice message. Thank you for listening join the patreon support your boy hit the live stream watch lovers and liars get the merch but for now uh i'll talk to you guys next week you