Espresso - what's your conspiracy theory?

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

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Starting point is 00:00:00 You're telling me we had some dope in there who doesn't even remember his own name and can't stop sniffing kids? You're telling me that's freaking weirdo? Show me the meaning of being motherfucking lonely Da da da Oh, this thing's on? Espresso Podcast Shot 367 I'm your girlfriend Benny who's had hair on his tongue all day and has done absolutely nothing about it. Upcoming stand-up comedy shows, Vegas, May 24th.
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Starting point is 00:01:05 It could be a country music livestream? I don't know, it could. And cruise! Or it could be a livestream where we just talk about how we wish Volt would come back into existence. What's Volt? You're like old. Is that the drink?
Starting point is 00:01:19 I don't know, maybe. Find out. $5 every month. That's it. Eat all your merch, benedictmerch.com. Feeling glonky, tees, hoodies, hats, dude. Rochester, New York, you guys scooped up the merch and I love you for it.
Starting point is 00:01:37 Had some heat, got some new merch installed. We got it all in, bringing it to city to city to you. And dude, it's the not bad for a fat guy hat. Pink, blue, white, we got it. We got everything. We got cringe hoodies. We got sorry I got nervous tees. We got tis, whore, hoodies, everything.
Starting point is 00:01:58 At benedictmerch.com. Almost did the whole thing without having a stroke. He had to have one though. All right, let's get to it. Espresso question of the week. What's the conspiracy theory you believe in? What's your personal conspiracy theory? Everybody has one. You keep it deep down in there, but you got it. You got it.
Starting point is 00:02:29 For me, what happened to quarterbacks throwing the ball high up? Was it getting intercepted or something? What happened? Dude, growing up, QBs used to throw bombs, almost like it would touch the top of the dome. Dante Culpepper? Michael Vick? Pffft! Like they were playing jackpot in an NFL game. 500! Pffft!
Starting point is 00:03:14 What happened? I want bombs when I play. Now it's just little dink dimes and dunkers over the middle. I want missiles. Pffft! What happened to it? They don't do it anymore. Why not? They get picked off more? I don't care. Throw them high, throw them long, throw them deep, baby. Mystery box! One of the best childhood games. Kind of a slept on game, if I'm being honest. It only lasted like four throws every single time.
Starting point is 00:03:51 Jackpot! They're so hard to catch. And you're always playing with like the worst ball to catch too, you know? Always playing with a vortex ball and you're like, oh God, it's tough to catch. Tough to catch on a normal little lobber. You're gonna throw me a mystery box a hundred yards in the air? Let's hear yours. What's your conspiracy theory? God,
Starting point is 00:04:11 dang it, I can't talk. I want to know what love is. I want you to show me. I want to feel a love. Oh, this is on. Sorry. I love you guys. Oh, hey, Benny. My most intrusive thought slash you rationally angry situation. Talk to me.
Starting point is 00:04:40 Those two prompts is that I totally hate it. When there's a turn, there's a really specific turn right by my work when I leave every day, where it's the right turn. Normally, you know, you can pull up, make your stop at the red light and then proceed with caution with your right turn, right. But this one very specifically states there's a sign on the light that says no turn on red. Why? Because in the past, there were issues with
Starting point is 00:05:04 people getting in accidents in that intersection. And I hate when I'm sitting there and then some jackass pulls up next to me and then makes their stop and then they turn even though it says no turn on red. I'm like, can you read fucktard? Like, can you read jackass? Like, I don't know.
Starting point is 00:05:22 Maybe I'll get canceled for saying tard. I don't know. Nah I'll get canceled for saying tarred. I don't know. Nah, nobody gets canceled here. But the other thing too, is there's been times where I've been sitting there and then they're sawing behind me and they're honking because they feel like I should be turning because I can turn.
Starting point is 00:05:37 Hey, I lived here. You know, it's like, hey, can you read Jackass? Like, come on. I don't know. Maybe that's just me being super like, being way too much of a letter by the, you know, by the letter. By the book.
Starting point is 00:05:50 But when it comes to simple things like that, it's like, why can't you just listen? Why can't you just wait until you can actually go and it's green? I'm with you, babe. I don't know. See you, Benny, love ya. Love you more.
Starting point is 00:05:59 I'm so sick of honking. God, can we come up with an alternative? I'm thinking about just rolling my window down and saying shit from now on. Like if somebody doesn't see that I'm behind them and they're taking their time and texting, I don't want to honk. I just want to roll down my window and be like, you know, one of those Mexican whistles. God, dude, Mexican people whistle all the time. And it sounds so good. It's so direct. It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, Mexican people whistle all the time. And it sounds so good, it's so direct.
Starting point is 00:06:26 It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, actually, yeah. Thank you for the alert. It was actually pretty pleasant. I know you didn't mean it in a dumb way, even though you think I'm the dumbest person you've ever met in your life. Yeah, dude, give me another, give me a honking alternative, dude.
Starting point is 00:06:44 I'll try to turn right and I can't turn right because there's so much traffic. I don't want to force it. There's a guy behind me this close. I'm like this close to losing my shit right now. This close. Honking, I see all his facial expressions in my mirror. I'm like, ugh.
Starting point is 00:07:03 I'm like, you're gonna make me get in a wreck, bro back off Even if I'm in a hurry and there's somebody in front of me going slow I'm just like that guy that guy he's doing a ride, bro. He left early. He's having the best day of his life Who might have ruined it? the late guy The late guy. Never not been kind of late. And if I'm not late, I'm always doing things to make me late. Oh, I'm too early for this? That's kind of nerdy.
Starting point is 00:07:34 I'll get on my phone. Almost gets in four wrecks. Because I was ten minutes early. Everything he does doesn't make sense. Then Benny gets rusty. I've always thought from a young age, even in like elementary school, when we were watching like the president
Starting point is 00:07:56 do like his speeches or whatever, so dumb, wow. Like the inauguration or some shit. I'm like, this is so fake. Like it just, you can just tell like, this is so fake. Like, you just tell, like, no president is meant to make a difference. The government's not real. Everything is predetermined. The president has no power.
Starting point is 00:08:14 His job is to just go up there and say some shit that everyone gets mad at, especially old people that watch the news. That's their favorite part of the day is it's so crazy getting mad at what the president said It's meant to create division cause stress rip your hair out President isn't real
Starting point is 00:08:36 What does the president do did that? No one knows golfs because It's not a real thing. Nobody does anything something golfing man You tell me that's not the golf of the fucking resident United States My ass dude, I don't even golf shouldn't the president with 40-hour workweek Tell me the the leader of the country's it got time to do this Take a run in golf and tweet. It is kind of crazy. It's a puppet my guy And it always will be
Starting point is 00:09:08 There's never any real change meant to happen Pretty sure illusion pretty sure everybody knows that like everybody like even if you think that think the opposite He's really changing there. You got no deep down. He's really not doing anything right Just a guy Just a guy. Just a guy wearing a suit a lot. God, how many suits does a president have? That's the shit I want to know, bro. I don't want to know the branches of the government.
Starting point is 00:09:36 How many suits are in his closet? At the steps of the White House. I just want to see his closet! His cabinet? What are you talking about? No! I want to see his closet! His cabinet? What are you talking? No! I wanna see his closet!
Starting point is 00:09:49 You have a gun? It's one of those guns that like, when you pull the trigger, like a flag comes out, it says bang. They're like, that's not even a real gun. Just let him go look at it. Let him go look in his closet. He thinks that's the cabinet or something.
Starting point is 00:10:03 He's getting it confused and he has a fake gun. Just let him think he's like one of those like one of those crazy guys just let him let him see it stomping down the halls of the white house how you do it go inside his bedroom like you just knew where it was How'd you know where his bedroom was I watched X-Men when nightcrawler came in here, so I kind of like no stuff okay? Goes to his closet opens it up 72 navy blue suits. That's what I thought walks back out Please for the love of God, that's all I want to do. All I want to do. Right? Dude's not doing anything.
Starting point is 00:10:59 People that get mad about political stuff. Dude, how do you even know enough to get mad? How do you know, bro? You don't, there's too many things. Well, he said, and he said, but then, but then, you don't even understand the big picture, babe. It's impossible to. So what are you getting mad at? Dude, it's so over my head and dumb.
Starting point is 00:11:23 I just, I never even, I never even think about it or talk about it. Somebody starts talking about politics. My head zippity do da zippity day zippity do da eat lunch right away. Ever since I was born. Oh, you're talking about politics, zippity doo dah, zippity day. And in my head, I'm just riding a scooter down the block. Zippity doo dah, eat lunch right away. Just keep going. Hey Benny, it's Rusty. I need your advice.
Starting point is 00:12:01 Help me up, baby. You're the king. You're the king. You don't gotta gas me up, baby. Roomm old lady the old ball and train you can tell it's hurt You can tell it's already fucked. They just call her the old lady, dude I'm not gonna lie. I think about this a lot Intimacy and physical touch of like just plummeted Prior me being a genius thinking that hey, let's move in together and physical touch of like just plummeted. Oh, it was prior. Me being a genius, thinking that, hey, let's move in together. It's going to get fucking way better.
Starting point is 00:12:31 Didn't get worse. Classic. You live and learn, right? Talk to her about it many, many, many, many, many times. Good for you. Change hasn't changed. So now I kind of just part of me kind of accepted the fact that this is this is the relationship and either I have to accept that or move on. Have you ever been in a situation like this with a love interest, you know? You just feel like, damn, this shit has fucking sailed.
Starting point is 00:13:01 This ship has sailed, my friend. Yeah. And you're just feeling more like friends who kind of just like are comfortable hanging out and the attraction's gone. The crazy thing is, you know, when you start to have that like serious conversation where like she can like kind of feel the vibes that you're like about to like leave,
Starting point is 00:13:22 the fucking waterworks will rip out and you just feel like a piece of shit. No. And you're like, by like leave, the fucking waterworks will rip out and you just feel like a piece of shit. And you're like, damn, is this like my fault? Waterworks will make you feel like a fucking, just the worst person on earth. I know, dude. And then, but after the waterworks, the actions don't align with the words that she's saying.
Starting point is 00:13:42 Right. Yeah, it's gonna get better, it's gonna get better and then no actions behind that. Never does. So any advice? I love you. Dude, what a question. What a guy for coming out there and saying all this.
Starting point is 00:13:55 I think about it, dude. I think about it a lot. When you said like the only time you just get to chill is at the end of the night. Just eating something at the table, listening to espresso, hit deep, that cut, bro. Here's the deal. Feels like the ship has sailed for her.
Starting point is 00:14:13 It sailed months ago. So I'm gonna be completely honest, this is just me. This is what I would do. I would, I'd probably end it. It's gonna me, this is what I would do. I would, I'd probably end it. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be tough. It's gonna be tough. But I think she's waiting for you to say something.
Starting point is 00:14:36 I think she's waiting for you to be like, yo, maybe this wasn't the time. Maybe we move out. See how things go? Maybe we move back in. It's not the end of the world. There's always another opportunity. Maybe you just both got to like miss each other a little bit or something like that.
Starting point is 00:14:56 I mean that always happens to me. I'm like, can we run this back in a few months? Give me some me time. Give me some me time. Has it ever not happened where you break up with somebody then two months later, you're like, well, I mean, I probably could. Is it ever a good idea for me? No. But I mean, it's always kind of there. So it's not like it's not going to be there if you if you if
Starting point is 00:15:23 you say let's let's take some time away from each other. It's always been the right answer for me. I can't speak on other people's situations, but every time I've been like, yo, not working out, it's been true and it's helped me every single time. Have I been in a situation like that? Yeah. And I was the guy that didn't wanna be mean
Starting point is 00:15:50 and I was like, I guess this is just what a relationship is. Like it doesn't feel great, I don't know. And then one day she just kind of was like, yo, I don't think we should do this anymore. And in my head I was like, hallelujah, hallelujah. And she my head I was like, Hallelujah, hallelujah. And she kind of expected me to be like, oh my God, wait, wait, wait.
Starting point is 00:16:12 And I was like, oh my God, I completely understand. Like I'm feeling that too. So yeah, just let me know. I guess we stopped talking now. I don't know, I wasn't sad really. I was just like, I was just agreeing with her and I like wish her the best and everything. She might be waiting for you to say something like that.
Starting point is 00:16:30 That's what I think. And she's gonna cry and be sad and blame everything on you and make you like feel really bad, but two weeks later. Right back to normal. That's my thoughts. If you wanna keep like trying to fix it, I think you're going to be trying to fix it for a really, really, really long time. Maybe for the rest of your life. Just keep going.
Starting point is 00:16:55 So my personal conspiracy theory is I think when the white man came over to America and took the land before taking the land was introduced to sacred plant medicines like ayahuasca, wachuma, bufo, and had profound visions and feelings on these plant medicines. It was like, we can't have people knowing about this. And that's why that's why it's illegal technically illegal but it's about to not be and I'm scared for the world God just something I have no knowledge about are they could they make could they even make things illegal back then?
Starting point is 00:17:47 How do you make stuff illegal back then? But alcohol's not? That doesn't make any sense. Cause you can tax alcohol. Can't you just tax everything else? God talk about a guy that's never dabbled on any plants Um made it illegal because it felt too good If that's the case they need to make a lot more things illegal I Don't know to me eating feels the best. Instant high from eating.
Starting point is 00:18:34 Especially so, dude sometimes I'm eating something so good I'm like this, I don't know, I kind of can't believe that I can eat this go back get more and I can do that 50 times in one day What's going on there? Oh I can go to the store and get banana pudding 50 times and it's still legal At some point they need to be like Here's the thing and I'm too scared to try any plants, man. Ayahuasca? Yeah, I like tripped and I took ayahuasca. I'm like
Starting point is 00:19:10 who hasn't? I like had a vision and like I don't know, bro. If that happened to me, I would get stuck like that forever. I'm glad it's illegal. happen to me I would get stuck like that forever I'm glad it's illegal I do something one time I stay like that forever bro spice tried it one time did I that were people talking in subtitles yeah was I kind of never the same again? A little bit. Did it feel like someone was nailing an ice cold
Starting point is 00:19:50 screw into my forehead? Sure did. Keep them illegal. I honestly don't even know how you can call it a conspiracy theory at this point, but it's basically a fact that macaroni is God or at least like Bruce Almighty with the predictions that he has on the Simpsons. The list is honestly endless. That are just ridiculous, but you got to give me your top five when you stitch this together. I'm curious what they are. There's too many to count, but yeah, give me your top five.
Starting point is 00:20:30 And I also just wanna say, cause you never read my DMs, but you're absolutely hilarious, dude. And I'm always watching your videos all stoned, just laughing my ass off nonstop. So keep it up. God dang it, man. I love you.
Starting point is 00:20:47 I'm sorry. I didn't open them or look at them or something. I'm sure I wanted to, but I just forgot or some shit like that. I mean that I'm not like just blowing you off. I probably I probably heard a dog bark. Hold on. What'd you say though? I honestly don't even know how you can call it a conspiracy theory at this point,
Starting point is 00:21:07 but it's basically a fact that Matt Groening is God or. Oh, he's a dude that, okay, Simpsons creator. Matt Groening, God, I thought he said macaroni for a really long time and I was like, oh, let's talk about Velveeta. Matt groaning. I mean, there's so many situations in the Simpsons. That they've gone over, it's like, how is he not predicting everything?
Starting point is 00:21:43 Well, if you if you make TV shows for 30 years just about whatever like you're gonna hit some there's gonna be like some coincidences in there I mean he does have like so many though. Top, Top Simpsons Conspiracies I don't know. I don't know the top five because I'm not I'm not dialed in with the Simpsons like that anymore, but the one I'm waiting for bro is Where Flanders makes that big Not a Simpsons podcast makes that big thing that covers up the sun. When's that going to happen, babe?
Starting point is 00:22:31 That's the one I want. God, I'll never forget that. Did they do September 11th? Yeah, they did. Oh, that September 11th poster Bart walked by on the street. Yeah, I want the sun, the sun, the sun, big sun blocker. Once that happens, once they once they make a have they. It was like almost like a big circle. They just put over the sun for one hour or something like that.
Starting point is 00:23:00 Like it was all dark in Springfield, Springfield only. Once that happens, I'm a believer, baby. But thank you so much. Let's keep going. What up? So my conspiracy theory would be if you take vitamins and work out, then you're actually considered healthy.
Starting point is 00:23:22 Now we all know that's not true at all and we know people that are actually healthier than people that go to the everyday to the gym and people who eat healthy. So to debunk that, do you really believe taking vitamins helps? Like what is a vitamin? Like say if you want to take iron vitamin, do you think if they take spinach and dry it out and crush it up to a powder, what is and then add all these fillers and then put it into a capsule and then you swallow it in your 200 pound body and it absorbs through
Starting point is 00:24:07 all that that you're going to be getting iron to your body more than if you just ate the frigging broccoli. Nah, vitamins are the biggest ripoff. Medicine works because medicine is science. That's just like chemicals in there that shit will fuck up your fucking body but vitamins I don't believe in that shit but the funny thing is I still take about 12 a day god dang the whole time I just wanted to be like he's so right but god damn I'm taking every vitamin under the goddamn sun
Starting point is 00:24:49 What's in him? Nobody knows! Dude the multivitamin The Flintstones vitamin Fake All of it's trash Just eat the food Eat the food All of it's trash. Just eat the food, eat the food.
Starting point is 00:25:14 Fish oil, I've heard that does good stuff, but I'm like, what does it do? Why? Did I, I get a little, I get a little worried when I take like a, like Tylenol or ibuprofen or something like that. I'm like, it's just messing up my, it's just like playing with my brain signals. It's not even a real thing. Why am I even doing it?
Starting point is 00:25:35 Bro, I take the hair pills every day? What is that doing to me? God, man. I can hear it in my pee. Yeah, my pee will never be the same again. What happens when you take that pill to keep all the hair in your head? What actually happens?
Starting point is 00:25:57 I'll tell ya. Every time you pee, it's like, it makes a sound like that faucet in your high school art class. It's a kinked hose. What happens? Oh, my God. Should I take it? What happened? It just made you do your stream is just. No one knows what's happening. Do the things I have to do when I pee,
Starting point is 00:26:32 do my my when I hear somebody pee and it's a it's a it's a full stream. I'll stand up and start clapping, dude. I don't care. Oh, I overheard you pee.'s a great stream bro it's a great stream that's a top 10 stream top 10 stream could we start appreciating streams it's not that weird man yeah everybody heard you pee and I just want to say sounded like you're frying some ribs, babe Good job, man. Good job. Then I go and be
Starting point is 00:27:20 Jesus Christ God damn it! Who was the quarterback of the Seahawks that one year? What'd you say? Alright, what were we talking about? That's meme and IP. I don't want to know what kind of side effects vitamins have. That's me when I pee. I don't want to know what kind of side effects vitamins have. Just eating chalk! Anyway, alright, so, Love you guys.
Starting point is 00:28:02 So, mind demand is a very real thing, obviously. However, it's a great thing. However, I do think there's some comical applications to it. Comical applications. You're telling me, when Kung Flu Panda, the bad flu, that fake Kung Flu thing, at first off, that's a conspiracy for the record. None of that.
Starting point is 00:28:26 That was all! Oh, here's the biggest one. The government! Now, Maga, love Trump for sure, but you're telling me we had some dope in there who doesn't even remember his own name and couldn't stop sniffing kids? You're telling me that's freaking weirdo? He was really elected. No. Erroneous, John. Erroneous. You get the reference impressive.
Starting point is 00:28:53 We're already gone. But just check that out. But we're talking eggs. Make it a 20 eggs. Anyway, yeah, you're telling me Biden slaughters 100 millifarge and now eggs are a dime a dozen lit $10, whatever. You're telling me they're a Kung Flu Panda? TP you're telling me Johnny TP's didn't get a bed with Biden and his weird tee-hees To say hey, here's paper. We have endless amounts of it to wipe scat Scat went up
Starting point is 00:29:40 TP went up. You can't even buy it! You don't need 38 bags of TP Karen, Johnny, Brunhilde. You don't need every box of TP and PT in the world. You don't need 30 of them sat tight in your garage. You know what I mean? It's not Maje, it's not Premage. Can't you hear one or two normal ones? Now I also don't think they should have been limited coming in combined. But I'm not a fan of it. You're telling me that was what we were going to run out of in this Gatfield roll pin? Was freaking TP a P.T.? I think not, dear friends!
Starting point is 00:30:20 Hold on, we're picking up. So yeah. I don't think we really were near a shortage of eggs now either, but of TP. You're telling me that Kung Slu craft that Cold was a new name, that was created in a lab to jack up the population. Oh, that's real. Look it up. You're telling me, that's a cool looking dark BDD, that that was gonna make us scat our brains out, shite, and just absolutely run rampant on TP and P- You had Kindles and freaking Shaquisha's
Starting point is 00:31:00 do get it out like Dukesah has. For TP! For Angelsaw, not even Angelsaw, for the Walmart brand, Do get it out like Dukes has for TV for angel saw Not even angel saw for the Walmart brand For three value One boy Sherman Now also here's the great part
Starting point is 00:31:13 No one was buying up napkins Napkins were the same damn thing Oh Every time I buy napkins and piss hues and just use that Doesn't even better drop there I say. It's loose or... It's not a problem. Why weren't we buying napkins?
Starting point is 00:31:30 Things were, but that can always just be a part two of a kid. All their soft little moves, soft little attitude. That's the only thing that I mean. Whatever that brings, uh, angel stuff might be the bringer. Whatever. Either way. TP and P-Tayton, whatever running out of it. We have more trees than we can even think of in this world. We're fine on TP, PT.
Starting point is 00:31:51 We're also fine on eggs. We don't need to make them $39. We don't need to make them a car payment a month on eggs. Okay, Rocky Balboa doesn't even use that many eggs. So that's that. 2020 election was rigged 1000%. Terrors are a beautiful thing! So bitch, I'm just gonna crack open the children. That's a doozy. Anyway, terrors are a beautiful thing. They're working clearly. Not gonna go ahead and teach everyone about politics. So, I don't know, probably the not your audience would want to hear that.
Starting point is 00:32:26 But they need to, so look it up! But anyway, hope you all just have the best day of your lives. Kiss and tisks. Mwah! Top five! Ah! Skate! It's the Milky Way. Heh. I love it!
Starting point is 00:32:50 Why weren't we buying napkins when toilet paper was running out? Never thought about that one time. How about when toilet paper, you actually ran out of toilet paper out of your house and you had to use a paper towel that one time? What a feeling. What a feeling. Dun dun dun dun dun. You tear it in half because you're like, oh, I just outsmarted everybody. Then you wipe and you're like, Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaàààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààààà A Kleenex? Never used it. But Lord do I want to. We weren't buying Kleenexes either. What
Starting point is 00:33:32 happened? I'll use it. Dude, I run out of toilet paper. I'll use anything. I'll use a paper You ever used the roll? I've used the roll. No more toilet paper, just a brown roll. I'm like, well, hey. Should have been sitting there looking at me roll. Just every side of it. I'm like, hey, gotta do what you gotta do. Did you flush it?
Starting point is 00:34:05 You're literally a monster. I don't know what I did with it. Probably buried it in the garbage like a real citizen. I think we've all done it. Espresso question of the week. What's the most shameful thing you've used to wipe? This is like a gross podcast. I thought. You ever just get in the shower, you just lose all hope and you're all right.
Starting point is 00:34:37 You get in the shower, there's no body wash in the shower, so you got it. Jesus Christ, you got to use soap from the sink. You ever done that? Geez. In the shower, no more soap. It's all your fault. You're an idiot guess I'll grab the dial from the sink. I've done it. I've done it too many times to count me in the shower Orange soap on my hand Just like any other day why don't you use shampoo you monster? I didn't have any of that either Go to the store last thing I remember at at the store. Oh I need body wash. Last thing I remember. For a minute I forget they even sell body wash at the store. I'm like oh yeah
Starting point is 00:35:19 bro I'll go four showers like forgetting body wash. So what do you wash with? Sometimes it's just water babe. And sometimes that's all you need. I promise you, you really don't need soap every time. Okay. No wonder you smell like that. Sometimes you just need water, just rinse it off. Just rinse it off. You think the people, you got it. Sometimes you just need to rinse it off. Just rinse it off.
Starting point is 00:35:45 You think the people, you think the cavemen were using dove? They smelled. Hey, guess what, guess what? New theory, new theory, new conspiracy theory just dropped right here. You heard it first. I think eggs are fake he said it YouTube video flagged banned violated Can't be monetized
Starting point is 00:36:19 So there's no eggs, okay, what do we do? No eggs. Okay. What do we do? Gotta buy the liquid eggs and stuff like that. Gotta do all this stuff. Cause there's no eggs? Where'd they go? Then there's some eggs and they're $27.
Starting point is 00:36:36 Okay gotta buy them cause it's all I eat. I eat 12 chickens every day. 12 baby chickens every day They come back. I'm buying them cool. Then all of a sudden. There's a lot of eggs now and everything's fine But the eggs are a little watery They gotta be fake dude. They gotta be fake You can't tell me I'm just buying a bunch of stuff every day for three dollars, and they're not like tampering with it come on man Are they fake? I think eggs are fake.
Starting point is 00:37:10 Where do they get all of them? I can just go to the store unlimited times and buy unlimited eggs and they just keep them coming. And that's everybody in America. Dude, I buy like, I buy maybe like 48 eggs a week, maybe more than that. And I know I'm not the only one.
Starting point is 00:37:34 How they keeping up? Eggs are fake. Let's keep going. Gonna keep eating them though. What's my conspiracy theory? Well, is it a conspiracy theory that somebody else came up with that I believe in or is it a conspiracy theory that I always think? So I'll give you both.
Starting point is 00:37:57 The one that other people came up with that I believe in is 100% the Titanic was swapped with the Olympic. No doubt in my mind, 100%, that's what happened. But my conspiracy that I came up with, anytime I meet somebody and they have like an accent, like a British accent or like Australian accent, I always think like this dude's faking it. I'm like, there's no fucking way that that's how you talk.
Starting point is 00:38:26 But I never say it out loud. I mean, maybe once or twice I've said it, but anyway, that's my shit. Love you, Benny. God, I love you more. You ever hear a voice message so good, you just feel like, did we, have we been friends my whole life?
Starting point is 00:38:47 Like, did I just talk to this guy? I feel like I just talked to this guy outside, came inside and there he is again. Do I just see you at Target? Yeah, like, how do you not hear your accent? Immediately when I'm talking, I start talking like the other people around me. When it goes to Texas for four hours, starts talking like everyone in Texas. So you're telling me you have an accent and you come to a place that it talks totally different and you just keep your same accent. Okay
Starting point is 00:39:29 Somebody likes the way they sound a little bit too much. I wish I could do a British accent do it try it no Can't do any accents and I honestly hate when everybody does them Come on bro. Snap out of it. I can't even control it. Wherever I am, I'm talking like the other people that I'm with. And if I'm at home, I'm talking like this. What the f**k? The only accent I can do is high school b**ch. You're insane.
Starting point is 00:40:15 I'm with you, bro. My conspiracy theory is that Stevie Wonder can actually see. Oh, dude, no doubt I don't know, I just got a feeling this dude's been playing blind and just likes wearing some dark shades and shit So, that's a good one bro That's a good tie
Starting point is 00:40:44 I haven't hit one of those in a minute time Yeah, all that shit's fake Blind people can kind of see who are you to talk? Blind people can kind of see and they've all said it Blind people aren't seeing like this eyes closed pitch black Maybe some. But it's all a little more than... than you're thinking.
Starting point is 00:41:15 Like they're putting on a little bit of a show. Who are you to even say that? My sister's blind. I hate you. I don't know. I've talked to like every single black or blind single blind person I've talked to They're like yeah, I can like kind of see but like it's just bad and I'm like, okay, so I thought So basically what you're saying is every morning. I'm blind too Comedian. Blind dude.
Starting point is 00:41:48 ... Was always just, just talking to me. Just was always just, Hey yo, what's up bro? I'm like, how did you see me? I'm like, if you're gonna be blind, you gotta like make sure that you're blind. Oh, excuse me dog. How'd you see me?
Starting point is 00:42:11 I wonder. I refuse to date anyone named Karen. Comes with way too much drama. I don't care how hot you are. I'm not dating a Karen. How about that name just being scarred for life? What do you do if your name's Karen now, it's so funny too, I'm a Karen Okay
Starting point is 00:42:41 What an unfortunate circumstance What an unfortunate circumstance. How about people having lame names and totally changing their names? And just going by something completely different. And the fact that that's okay. I'm like, why does anything matter then? Nothing matters. Nothing matters. Nothing matters.
Starting point is 00:42:59 If your name's Lloyd, you just go by Andre. My roommate. Old roommate. I'm like dog that can't be a real thing. You just gotta play the cards, babe. It's always like they change it to always the coolest name too. I'm like you can't just do that. to him like you can't just do that. First name Anthony middle name James.
Starting point is 00:43:34 What do you go by AJ? That's too cool. Yeah all Karen's pretty much done for. Never even want to talk to him. Okay so hopefully, sorry. Hopefully I'm not too late to make it on the pod, but I have a couple of conspiracy theories that I've been thinking about lately that I'm gonna share.
Starting point is 00:43:57 Two of them are food related, obviously, but the first one is Jif Peanut Butter. I swear. Fake. They used to be called Jiffy and on the label, it would say Jiffy on it. And I looked at this, I've tried to see if I could find anything.
Starting point is 00:44:19 There's Reddit threads about this, so I'm not the only one. So I don't know what happened to it, but I specifically remember as a child seeing Jiffy peanut butter, but supposedly it's never been called Jiffy. And I know like Jiffy peanut butter isn't the greatest. I go for Teddy's peanut butter. greatest. I go for Teddy's peanut butter. If you've never heard of it, try it. But you know, I don't, I don't know what happened. So, but so that's one. Two. And Benny, I know you don't know movies, so you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. But there was a movie from I think the 90s called Shazam was Shaq as a genie in it. Oh yeah, I know about this one.
Starting point is 00:45:08 I swear that there was a very similar movie with Sinbad. I have a photographic memory. This shit gives me the chills. Of a genie movie with Sinbad in it. And again, looked at it, have searched online, can't find anything. So I don't know what happened to that movie, but I cannot find anything on it.
Starting point is 00:45:31 Also, I'm not the only one that thinks this, like, so I don't know. And then three is Domino's now has stuffed crust pizza. I swear this isn't the first time that's now has stuffed crust pizza. I swear they, this isn't the first time that they've done stuffed crust. I remember having Domino's stuffed crust pizza as a child. I'm pretty sure it was Domino's. So I don't know if this is some marketing tactic,
Starting point is 00:45:59 but I swear they've done it before, but those are my conspiracy theories. God damn. If you aren't somebody I could just talk to for four years, what do you want to talk about? Peanut butter, Shazam, and stuffed crust pizza. Okay. I love you. I think it's because of Jiffy Lube. You're thinking I want to believe I want to I want to ride with
Starting point is 00:46:30 you on that so bad that it was Jiffy because it just sounds better and skippies out there too. So I don't think it was a thing. I want it to be a thing. I think I think half of Jiff peanut butter is plastic. I don't really trust anybody that likes Jiff peanut butter because I'm like that's not real peanut butter, bro You can just taste the diff you can taste the Jif It's just too manufactured and you can just taste it it's just not
Starting point is 00:47:03 It's just too manufactured and you can just taste it. It's just not, it's not it. It's really not it. And it comes in like that big ass Jif container, peanut butter container, it's just too much, man. Hey, hey, somebody came up with an invention on this podcast and I'll never forget it. Or maybe I did. I think, you know you think of something
Starting point is 00:47:20 and you're like, I couldn't have thought of that. It's too smart. That's what I'm going through right now. I think peanut butter jars should have an opening on both sides. Top, unscrew it, bang, peanut butter. Bottom, unscrew it, boom. If a peanut butter company came out with that for a jar it would change the game forever remember Heinz did that with ketchup
Starting point is 00:47:51 They turn the bottle upside down because the bottle's always upside down They turn the bottom upside down permanently dude just one little thing Dude, just one little thing. Dude, I think if Skippy popped up, if Skippy could just get the salmonella out of their peanut butter for one week. Dude, I swear Skippy peanut butter gets recalled every 14 days. I'm like, guys, oh my God. I love you, but how many times? Every single day on Twitter, 14,000 pounds of Skippy peanut butter has to be recalled.
Starting point is 00:48:27 I'm like, Jesus Christ. Peanut butter company's listening. I know you are. Screw off lit on both sides. Oof. Give me a million dollars. I'll never say anything about it ever. You can have it. That might be the next question. What's your invention? I love that question. I Don't know now I'm kind of thinking somebody else thought of that because it's just why why hasn't it been done? They can't produce that many lids per container. Shut up. It's plastic. I
Starting point is 00:49:09 lids per container shut up it's plastic I wanted to be Jiffy really bad but I think it was always Jeff I think it was always Jeff I'm sorry Jiffy sounds better it sounds like it tastes better too the Shazam movie when the candy fell from the sky. I'll never forget it. What a kid's movie, man. And it was Shaq? What was the Sinbad one? What movie was Sinbad in? Shazam Mandela effect. Oh, you know why? You know why?
Starting point is 00:49:41 Because Shaq and Sinbad are the same guy. Two big brothers that are funny as hell. I get it. It's so racist how we think that, how that, that's a conspiracy. No! They're just two big black dudes with co-tees. Shaq and Sinbad. Same guy. It's like being like, dude, I swear to God, Sinbad played for the Lakers in 2003. I promise. Number 34. One ring. Okay, so hopefully- Oh one more one more one more hi Benny so a conspiracy theory that I completely came up with on my own was
Starting point is 00:50:34 like around the time when Diddy's world came crashing down on him an accuser came out and accused Garth Brooks of sexual misconduct and I just didn't want to believe it and it seemed so absurd. I was convinced that Diddy and his team paid someone to accuse Garth Brooks, someone completely unrelated to take the heat off him a little bit. Oh yeah. Related to the to take the heat off him a little bit. Oh, yeah And that's I really haven't told anyone that That's my unbelief Miss you Benny and glad you're doing well. Love you Garth Brooks gang. Where we at?
Starting point is 00:51:16 Didn't word cuz I didn't hear about it Garth Brooks, you mean girth Brooks? Jesus Christ. I think that shit happens all the time. Something big happens and then like 14 other things happen at the same time. I'm like, OKAY! NBA draft lottery rigged. Everything's fake.
Starting point is 00:51:43 Hey, all the, this is one. Here we go, here we go, here we go. Conspiracy, conspiracy time. You know how everybody was accusing Shannon Sharp of being gay? Everybody was. Cat Williams, just like all the people that are like kind of validated were saying it.
Starting point is 00:52:07 And then he came out with an Instagram live where he was having sex with a girl. Okay. Okay. Oh, my bad. I was on Instagram live while we were having sex in the middle of it, and I was saying stuff like, oh yeah, oh yeah, come on. That doesn't happen.
Starting point is 00:52:31 And if it does, it wouldn't be like, you wouldn't hear that. You'd hear like. Oh my God, what are you even doing? It'd be like that. You'd just hear people crying if it was in the middle of. And then something else happened too. More rumors with an OnlyFans model.
Starting point is 00:52:55 Okay. So okay, somebody reached out. Which OnlyFans model wants to accuse Shannon Sharpe of this? You get this much money. 13 of them said yes you picked one boom Come on man. Oh whoops. I was on Instagram live again. You don't just go on Instagram live You know how many steps you have to go through to get on Instagram live You know how many steps you have to go through to get on Instagram live? Gotta go to your story boom. That's one tap well first you gotta get on the app boom gotta go your story, dude That's two taps
Starting point is 00:53:35 Gotta switch it over from story to live. That's another tap are You sure you want to go live right now for taps? What are you doing dog? I? Don't know that's just me Just a lot of tapping going on It's not on this rim. Oh, she come on All right It's not on Instagram, don't cheat, come on. Alright, nice voice messages bro. Good variety, love it. Didn't have the same one twice. Next week we do inventions, I went to so bad. Dear diary, could be cringe moment too.
Starting point is 00:54:20 Dear diary. How come every time I'm just a hundred percent being myself There's a girl looking at me in disgust Me and my roommate Logan walking target walking home. I see a beer bottle on the ground I go dude if this was a video game right now I'd pull out my gun and shoot the bottle and see how many times I could shoot it and like nothing happened to it like in a video game. And I pull out a fake gun.
Starting point is 00:54:50 Look at the beer bottle. Ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, ping, And if you're just listening right now, you can't see my face. She's her facial expression is like this. What the fuck? Then I probably tripped on a curb dude just every time every time I pull out a fake gun, there's 13 girls watching Oh my god. Oh my god boys will be boys Oh my god. Oh my god boys will be boys Shit shit shit shit Show and tell Rochester shows super lit. You still say things like let My god cringe
Starting point is 00:55:43 No, they were though. So what if we don't sell out? So what? I don't care. Bro, we just had the down-ass homies in Rochester. I had no idea that people even knew me there. That's the thing about bookin' shows, God knows where. Who knows who's showing up?
Starting point is 00:56:06 I don't know. Half the people were from Buffalo. And they're like, yo, I went to your Buffalo show too, but I just drove an hour here just to say what's up again. I had a great time. The homies. God, I love you guys so much. Look, I got that.
Starting point is 00:56:25 We made you a bracelet. You know how much this means? Bro, do you know how much this means? I can't even, I don't even know if you can read it, but it's one of those beaded bracelets, neon colors, says, Glonky, and different colored letters. And it's all I want, bro. It's all I want.
Starting point is 00:56:42 I'm scared to wear it. I've been wearing it, but I'm scared to wear it in the weight room because I think it's gonna break. I Love it though. Thank you so much everybody that came out to the shows God Makes me feel so good. Somebody was like dude You're so good at like talking to the fans after the show or the people that came to show you're like always like that That's like that that's like and it's not that i'm good at that i just it just means so much that you're there you have no idea how much that means oh my god you came here dude just making the effort to leave the house
Starting point is 00:57:18 get over here i'll kiss you love you guys favorite you guys, man. Favorite part of the show, favorite part of even doing comedy is after the show when people are just like saying stuff to me. Because it's, I just can't, I'm just so happy that we've got the same brain. It's honestly insane.
Starting point is 00:57:45 Like somebody will tell me a story after a show, bro. Hey, thank God you think like that. Cause me too. Bro, just, I've never been, you're just my best friends. It's my best friends. Every show. However many seats there are. It's just everybody, whoever, my best friends.
Starting point is 00:58:10 Love you guys so much, thank you. C-c-c-c-c-cringe moment of the week. Uh, let's take it back. Let's take it back. Friday Night Lights, babe. High school football. We play a team. We go to Ohio for it. Bishop something. Watterson maybe? I don't know. But if the school has a bishop before the name, they're going to be good. Because it's a Catholic school and they abuse the football team. So they're gonna be good and very disciplined and very fundamentally sound
Starting point is 00:58:52 We get blown out Bus ride home dead quiet Practice rolls around the next Monday. It's a new week. It's a new day. I don't know if you guys remember the song. Inside peanut butter, outside jelly. Seven days of the week, seven different Chevy's. Black SS with the top chopped off. Get your block knocked off.
Starting point is 00:59:22 Kinda like Don. Inside peanut butter outside. Gonna get hit for copyright because it sounds too good. Seven days of the week. I made up a dance to it. Just by myself, dude. Like the song was so good in the locker room at Fubo.
Starting point is 00:59:39 I downloaded it at my desktop computer in my living room, put it on my iPod touch, wish I had a Zune, put it on my iPod touch, played it, made up a dance in my room while I was folding laundry one night. Inside peanut butter, outside jelly, seven days of the week, seven different Chevy. Got blown out out Friday before.
Starting point is 01:00:08 It's Monday. We're getting ready for practice. I'm shaking my ass in the locker room. No shirt, probably just football pants. Couldn't look any worse. Doing the dance inside peanut butter, outside jelly, seven days of the week, seven different chevys, black SS with the top chopped off.
Starting point is 01:00:34 Doing the whole dance that I made up while I was doing laundry. In my own world, maybe one dude was watching me. Didn't matter. I opened my eyes, turned around, whole coaching staff looking at me. Five guys. Not the restaurant. With clipboards and polos on.
Starting point is 01:00:58 They asked me the dumbest thing. They asked me like if I was bringing the ball bag out to practice, I was like. My fault. They asked me like if I was bringing the ball bag out to practice. I was like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH My fault. My fault. Should have my eyes open. Head on a swivel big boy. Head on a swivel. Lot of coaches out there B. Be ready. Let's do days of the week. Thursday bring someone a flower day I love flowers. I Was on a little streak ride by By myself flowers I get by myself
Starting point is 01:01:42 I didn't know is a thing. I didn know it was a big deal made my apartment look sexy just in case somebody was coming up couple sunflowers in a vase mmm I was on that grind at one point um stopped and I'll probably never do it again. Why? Because I don't really care about flowers. They look good, but like, dude, kind of a chore. But man, girls do not think like that, dude. You give any girl, dude, it's just the one thing that you can't miss. You had a girlfriend you give her a flower? Just okay. Everything's better now. That's all it took? Flowers. Bro somebody gave me flowers. I hate to be this guy but I'd be like keep them. They're just gonna die. How sad is that? How sad is that?
Starting point is 01:02:48 They look good, they look good, they look good, they look good for two days. Why do you have to be so negative? I'm just giving my take. You know what a scam is? The little food they give you in the flower pack. Yeah, cut them, put them in water, and pour this little baby food in there for them. Pour this packet that goes in the ramen noodles in there.
Starting point is 01:03:11 What's it do? What's it do? What's in there? What's in there? Miracle grow? Friday. Barbecue day? Oh my God.
Starting point is 01:03:28 All right, I don't think there's one person in the world that doesn't like barbecue. Come on! Ew! Rib tips! I don't even know what those are. Never had them in my life. But would I have them? Absolutely. Am I the only one who realized that barbecue sauce is just full of sugar? Like, I realized that like that like two years ago. Dude, some people have no knowledge about any of that stuff and I'm still learning.
Starting point is 01:03:54 I swear the day I realized fruit just had a bunch of sugar in it, I was like, what the hell? And what have I been eating bananas for my whole life? The day somebody told me that eating wings was healthier than eating the salad, the day my life changed. In disbelief. Right, you get a salad with croutons dressing? It's just a bunch of nothing. You get some like dry rub wings, buffalo? It's just a bunch of protein.
Starting point is 01:04:30 What are we doing? Oh man, honey barbecue sauce. Boy oh boy. Boy oh boy. Let me jump in that vat. Super villains always fall in a vat. Every super villain ever, why do they always fall into a big vat? Oh my god, the Joker fell into this big vat.
Starting point is 01:05:03 And now he's the Joker. every super every villain every villain every oh What's that villains origin fell into a vat okay? Oh? Oh the Doc Ock fell into a vat Bane fell into a vat Why can't I fall into a vat of honey barbecue sauce? Bro, I'd be the baddest villain. Who is that? Honey barbecue boy. Ah Who is that
Starting point is 01:05:48 Honey barbecue boy Has a cowboy hat on lasso made a honey barbecue He like drizzled it all over me and he ate me! Saturday. Cough. Cherry cobbler day. There's always a food. God damn it, there's always a food. Can we put some respect on cobblers? Why don't they have their own holiday?
Starting point is 01:06:29 It's never really out there ever, man. Who's just out here making cobblers? I feel like you only make cobblers if you live in the country. Country! From my cowboy boots to my baple boots! Country! That's cobbler nation. Peach and cherry too. Apple cobbler. Remember that one time your mom made apple cobbler nation peach and cherry to apple cobbler Remember that one time your mom made apple cobbler just out of nowhere what? The crisp dude, I think we called it apple crisp actually
Starting point is 01:06:59 Bro those soggy apples soggy apples with the brown sugar bro the way your mom made that oh my god ramby couple doubler apple crisp I think we call it apple crisp Even if the apples weren't all smushy, I don't care. Give me a warm apple with some crumble on it, with a scoop of vanilla ice cream next to it. You talking about bite of the night, bro? Some of that apple with the crisp paired with that ice cream. That cold and hot on one spoon. My brain's spinning in my head.
Starting point is 01:07:58 Eat it. Eat it. Have more. Dude, that corner piece, it's always, I don't care about the middle. I don't care about the middle, I want the corner. I want the hard, the crispy sides. I want it to be messed up.
Starting point is 01:08:18 You took the corner, weird, it's like burnt. That's how I like it. Everything a little burnt with ice cream. Apple crisp, bro. Different. Cherry cobbler. You know, that's something that's a little too hot when you eat it. Little too hot. Hot! Give me a cherry cobbler. Hey, have at first ten minutes it come to have at it have at it Let me get it after it's been sitting there for a little bit room temp my time to shine oh My god
Starting point is 01:09:01 Wait are you like one of those guys that Wait till everybody gets their food and then you go up there after it's been out for a while? Please say no. What if I am? What are you going to do about it? Bro, let everybody go through the line. Let me just, you know, hey, not that hungry right now.
Starting point is 01:09:24 Deep down starving. I'm telling you man dessert hot dessert you're wrong don't even say it hot dessert is better just let it sit let it sit for a while you're a monster let it sit pizza I'm telling you bro that second time around, it's better. Pizza after the first dose. Second wave pizza? Second wave pizza? I'm kind of still hungry.
Starting point is 01:09:53 And you eat more than you had the first time. Why? Because it's more fun. Slapping those triangles in your mouth. Cherry cobbler, bro. Cherry cobbler, bro. Cherry cobbler when nobody's looking. Dear Lord, help me.
Starting point is 01:10:13 Bless your heart. Don't even need ice cream, bro. Don't even need it. Cherry cobbler, after it's been out for two hours carries Peach cobbler. I mean that's a lot of peach peach I like to have like, you know, just one little little thing a lot of peach. I'm like, oh god Okay, where's the peach festival or something?
Starting point is 01:10:42 Too much peach Sunday No dirty dishes day. Dishwashers. Scam? No, because like I have a big family. Yeah, but the work you have to do before you put a dish in the dishwasher kind of Defeats the purpose of the dishwasher. I want a dishwasher. I want an industrial dishwasher I want the one that's in the the back back of house Of Red lobster, that's the one I want in my house house I don't want a little foo foo dishwasher
Starting point is 01:11:29 no I don't want a life's good dishwasher because why life's not good I want a guy named Jerry back there with Dickies on and non-slip shoes running it through. With, hey, you know what? That's the only guy in the world that I want him to have one AirPod in. Jerry with Dickies on and non-slip shoes. You can wear AirPods for the rest of your life. You just keep them spinning, Jer. pods for the rest of your life. You just keep them spinning, Jer.
Starting point is 01:12:11 Bro, that guy's always just soaking wet. God, I wish I had Jerry in my house, bro. Hey, just keep it spick-spanning there, all right, Jer? No questions asked. He's just listened to a Trapaholics mixtape from 2006 all day And I don't know why you can hear it on his phone even though he has an air pod in I'm like Nobody you trust more than your dishwasher guy bro at a restaurant you work at a restaurant, you know exactly I'm talking about The cooks are always they're they're mouthy Always hollering at your girl your your pretend girlfriend that works there that only you think is your girlfriend I always they're always gassing her up and you're like, hey, whoa fellas. That's my girlfriend. Nobody knows about except for me easy chief
Starting point is 01:13:04 But the dishwasher guys got got your back. He's your boy. The restaurant runs how the dishwasher guy operates. If you got a good dishwasher guy, bro. Saturday night, busy, smooth sailing. Churnin' it. Turnin'. Burnin'. churning it, turning, burning, because Jerry's down there putting in work. It happens every time, no doubt, 100%.
Starting point is 01:13:35 You know what happens? One day Jerry doesn't show up. Backup dishwasher guy, Gonna be a rough night. So weird but something we'll just Dude, dishwasher guy will be putting it down for like three weeks. All of a sudden where'd he go? Nobody knows. Never comes back. You gotta appreciate the Jerry's in your life while you got them. How'd he get sad sad I don't know That's it fam. God. I love you guys
Starting point is 01:14:12 Thanks for coming to the shows. We got more Vegas 24th, Nashville June 13th and 14th Baltimore September 25th Get your tickies come out say what's up. I love you guys. You have no idea how much I Think about you guys And even a little even the voice message stuff you guys say Love you fan get your merch get your tickies
Starting point is 01:14:47 I'll see you guys next time

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