Espresso - what's your craziest 💩 story?

Episode Date: November 13, 2025

Send this to your homies to support the pod!https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi☕️FOLLOW ON IG https://www.instagram.com/espressobenny/🎟️ 𝗕𝗘𝗡𝗡𝗬'𝗦 𝗨𝗣𝗖��𝗠𝗜𝗡𝗚 𝗦𝗧𝗔𝗡𝗗 𝗨𝗣 𝗦𝗛𝗢𝗪𝗦 https://benedictpolizzi.com/shows/Sacramento, CA - Dec 4Phoenix, AZ - Dec 12-13💕 WATCH BENNY on FBOY & FGIRL ISLAND on HBO MAX🧢 "𝗙𝗕𝗢𝗬" 𝗙𝗢𝗥 𝟮𝟱% 𝗢𝗙𝗙 𝗔𝗟𝗟 𝗠𝗘𝗥𝗖𝗛 https://benedictmerch.com/

And I'm thinking, like, I got to, like, fart really bad. So lift my leg up, like, all the way into the air. And I had blue jeans on. And I just let it rip. And it was a full-on diarrhea shirt. And just looked back out of, like, mortified. Because baby, you're a song. You make me want to roll my windows down.

And crew, let's go. I was thinking of them. Espresso podcast shot 393. I'm your girlfriend, Benny, who just got his dentist tools in the mail, and he's going to pick out all the crap in his teeth after this podcast. You're literally disgusting.

upcoming stand-up comedy shows. Sacramento, December 4th. That's coming up. Scott Pollard, I remember when you were on Survivor. Phoenix, December 12th and 13th. Jake Plummer, I pretended to be you in my backyard. And these guys live. Live podcast, live podcast, podcast.

Live sports, not a sports podcast, but kind of. In Chicago, December 22nd, get your tickies. Jay Keller, can I bum a sick? Get all your tickies for all the shows below or at benniepillipsy.com. And watch me on F Boy Island and F Girl Island, hosted by Nikki Glazer, who's just on SNL. Pretty hot monologue. Pretty hot monologue.

Watch it on HBO Max. It's uncensored. Just saying. Can't tell if this guy's been on a reality TV show or not. Let me know. Until your homies to join the Patreon for $5 a month. That's it. Just five.

What do I get if I join? I don't get it. You get every other podcast and a live stream at the end of every week. And now it's Monday. 9 p.m. Eastern Standard Time. So it's at the start of every week. Same live stream, brand new time. What do you guys even talk about on the live stream?

I don't get it. Is it just like a granola live stream? Is that all you talk about? Do you just talk about tanning bed lotion the whole time? Like, what is it? Do you talk about every time you talk to a girl that you're kind of into, you like trip, fall down and almost tear your MCL? Is that what it's about?

Maybe. I don't know. Maybe it is. You'll just have to find out. Join $5 a month. That's it. Get all your merch at benedickmerch. dot com emotional support animal merch we out here being nice merch feeling glonky merch these guys merch

who's buying this merch might have a new who's buying this coming soon i don't know benedict shirts buy some shit benedictmerch dot com merch drop coming soon and i'm telling you the merch is perfect for the gym that's what my merch is for every single day I wear one of my merch hoodies at the gym. It's perfect. You wear a Benedict shirt at the gym. It's funny. It's a pump cover.

Who's buying this hoodie at the gym? I'm telling you, it's a way to go. Who's not wearing hoodies at the gym? Get your sweat going. If it gets you hot, take it off, wrap her on your waist. I don't want people to see my butt. Benedict merch hoodie. Just saying.

25% off. off with F-boy at checkout. Shut. Let's get to the question of the week. Cool, cool, cool, cool, question of the week. Now this. Now this question, had a couple more voice messages than normal.

They just always talk about, it's like gross. Hey, what's your craziest poop or fart story? Yeah, it's a little low hanging, you know? Literally. Pretty crass, don't you think? But God, I want to hear every one of them. What's your craziest poop or fart story? I want to know.

Can you leave a voice message and show me? Me? For me? Blasting off in second grade. Tried to unbutton a button on my pants without using my hands, I was just pressing my gut out. I got that weird talent. What's your talent? Like, what's your, what's your thing? I can pop my stomach out and it looks like I'm pregnant. I've been able to do it since I was four years old. And I'm really proud of it. And I was

busting it loose in second grade. Trying to get this button undone. I was bored. I was in history. Teacher talking. We're in clusters, you know? The seating chart? We're in like teams. me and three other people Pop the stomach out pressing hard, face red I don't think I ever got the button to unbuttoned but I just Dude just

lit the roof on fire Everybody Oh my dude it was The reactions were insane Blamed it on somebody else But it was honestly To this day pure it was like a soundboard fart you know what i mean you go on you go on youtube you know you've been

on that youtube video that fart youtube video you know i'm talking you know exactly what i'm talking about it was like fart number three it was crazy pristine off of a chair you know bounces off of that plastic chair plastic school chair fart oh oh wake up it sounds like somebody shuffled a deck of cards so funny I know the teacher is trying to hold back

or laugh too is amazing I was so embarrassed blame it on the guy that farted all the time it's what he's there for you know you got gas man in your class

you're blaming your farts on gas man you could just light it up it was a good thing about having gas man in your class everybody got everybody had a fart kid at school Designated Farter He's the guy If it smells

Everybody's looking at gas man It's what we called ours Gas Man Think of the kid in your school That farted all the time Yes We didn't have one What kind of school

Did you even go to? Shut up! Designate Oh my God You could just Dude you could have the flu And come to school And just

Wasn't me Mm-mm Mm-mm Gas, man. One time I tried to squat 315. Three plates on each side. Not a very big squatter here. But I was trying.

I was getting up there. I don't know what happened. But on my way up, something felt a little squirty down there. Dude, I've never walked to the bathroom with a tighter ass. in my life. Clenched city. So nothing was dripping out or anything. You know what I mean? I probably had to walk 50 yards. The time I jumped on a girl because I thought it'd be flirty and I ended up farting on her ribs.

How do you play that one off? luckily she was like one of those girls that didn't care you know she must have her brothers or something growing up but I was like oh my god what do I even say after this I can't I think I blacked out I can't remember what happened but what's yours craziest pooper fart story a lot of voice messages let's get into it

I lived with two girl roommates in like my college years one of them I fought with all the time she was taking a shower I was like fuck we only had one bathroom so I went into my room and I'm looking at my cat and I look at the cat box

and I had to go to the bathroom so bad like I couldn't even make it to Taco Bell across the street and so I pooped in the cat box and then I took the cat box like a walk of shame to the garbage she was in the shower the whole time I like this a lot because I think that's completely fine

you got to do what you got to do what are you going to do sometimes I'm like yo can I'm outside and I have to pee so bad I'm like is it a crime if I pee in this trash can like it'd be better than peeing on the side of a building like you ever have to pee or poop so bad

you're like I might just let it rip in this trash can that's like literally on the corner of the street I think that's a great move I mean you could have just gone in the toilet while she was taking a shower I guess but like nah she's like that weird roommate you know you don't have that weird energy but that could have made you best friends forever

you know you do something weird in front of somebody you like kind of don't know what they're all about then you got that bond for life yeah like she was a total bit until I took a shit while she was in the shower. Then you got that whole thing. Do you flush it while they're in the shower, you know? Is that a myth?

That's never happened to me in my entire life. Flush the toilet and the shower gets cold all of a sudden? What type of 1960s industrial revolution myth was that? It's never happened. Just keep in the toilet. You'll see it when you're drying off, babe. skip gun what's up you fucking little

whore it's rooster um craziest poop story me and my boy one of my day ones I like it I like it already

probably like dude we were kind of too old for this honestly I think we were maybe like 14 to 15 we were watching evil dead like the original one

classic sleepover type shit and he fucking he was like he kept telling me he was like scared we were like just fucking around and joking around and I was like you need to do it come on it's not that scary and then he's like dude I got a I got a shit can you go to the bathroom with me oh I was like no shot you're your fucking lying

and then he was like dude I'm gonna shit my pants and then he was like I got a fart and I was like don't do it dude if you're gonna shit your pants don't do it and he goes dude I'm gonna shit my pants and then he fucking farts shits his pants in my living room and I still I'm like dude you're capping you did not just shit your pants. And he's like, dude, I want to get up. I'm like, don't get up.

He's like, he's like holding his shorts now and shit. And I'm like, dude, this is real. He's like, I'm going to get up. I'm saying, don't get up. He gets up and it just fucking soaps out of his shorts. Sops. Hits the ground. And I go, oh, good fucking grief.

Mind you, we had some other friends that were there, too. They were all sleeping. They were sleeping close to the shit, dude. It was unreal and it was on a carpet. So it's just a messy sitch, obviously, and me being a good friend, I say, hey, he was fucking scared, and he shit his pants, lock it, and then I helped him clean it. I helped him clean the carpet, not his pants, fuck that. I'm not that good of a friend.

But yeah, ever since then, I'll never live it down, and I'll bring it up to him probably a couple times a year. So who's ever been that scared? I don't know. I've never had that. I've never been that scared that that reaction happens. I'm always so delayed in my reactions.

Like you hear those stories of people that like, you know, they're like watching like a baby being delivered or something and they all faint. Like that, nothing like that has ever happened to me. Oh my God, we were running laps and I threw up.

Like that has never crossed my mind once that I'd be running. and throwing up? I'm like, did you eat a whole Thanksgiving dinner right before practice? Like, how on earth are you throwing up while running? That doesn't make any sense to me.

So scared that you poop? What's going on with your motor controls, babe? I'd rather be... I'd be more embarrassed than scared at that point. I'd be like, I don't want to... I'd tune out. Wow. I can just imagine you cleaning up.

You helped him clean up the... Wow, I said, that is a good friend. Can you go to the bathroom with me? How many times have you been so scared that you needed somebody to go to the bathroom with you, but you just didn't want to ask him? Hoo! You know, and you're so scared watching a movie

and you've got to go to the bathroom and you're just like, it's going to be a rough little journey through his kitchen. there could be anything happening that so scared my whole life let's keep going yo it's rooster again we were making direct eye contact too

when he was shitting his pants it was just absolutely it was magical almost and he gave up he said I'm not going to the bathroom I'm going to let it rip right here this movie's too scary and I said

I respect you we're friends for life now we have no fucking choice do we But, like, I never really understood how people could just shit their pants. Exactly. Like, pissed, don't get me wrong. I can't hold my pee, dude. It might be a medical issue.

Whoops, he's talking about his medical issues on espresso. I think we all have that one. It's fucking disgusting. You're a doctor. All right, relax. I can't control it. My fucking bladder is too small, my doctor said. But, yeah, do all my friends make fun of me for it?

Yeah, they do. Does it bother me? Yeah, it depends on the day. But I can't hold my pee. So what's up? New special question of the week. That might be the next one, actually. Your craziest piss story.

Because I know we got some. Peeing? Oh, my God. Right? Do you even say the word pee? I got to go. Let's keep going. He's got another one line.

end up. Did I feel like an absolute little bitch baby boy when my ex-girlfriend would kind of look at me like she's embarrassed but she wouldn't say it when I have to pee or when I have to pull over and pee or when she would kind of like to laugh about it and make it like a joke when I can get home my pee? Yeah, it's still pretty fucking bad. Don't they always just have a way of just fucking stabbing that goddamn knife right through your heart? No, it's like

Your boys can stay a million things about you and you're just like, yeah, do whatever. Fuck you guys. You guys are tripping. Who cares? Trolls. Then your girlfriend's sake. It's like, you should probably like,

think, okay, you can't let's, you're sure think? And then you're like, oh, fuck me. God damn it. I'm no longer the king I thought I was. She knows that I can't own my pee anymore. The fucking jigs up. That's a bad moment, dude.

when your girl that you're in a relationship with starts figuring out your weaknesses and you know exactly when it happens too you're like oh she knows now she knows she knows i'm a bitch she figures you out the day your girl figures you out it's time to go they'll never tell you though the day you figure me out let me know a friend that had to constantly pee. I wish all my friends had to constantly pee. I would love it so much. Hey, I got to

pee. Hey, guess what? Me too. I've never had an issue once. I think if I went to the store and told somebody I had to pee 15 times at the store, they'd be like, yeah. Just keep going. Keep going. Get them out. I love when people tell me they have to pee. The thing that I hate when somebody's like, I have to pee, but like, don't want to go right

I'm like, you go now! Don't tell me you gotta pee. I'll hold your hand and drag you to the bathroom because I gotta go too. Just know, I always have to pee. It's never I don't have to go to the bathroom. I always got a little bit in there that's ready to come out immediately.

I have to pee, but like, I just don't want to go right now. I'll pick you up and place you in the bathroom. Oh my gosh. This question is hilarious, because I got a good one. Let's talk. All right, so I work out pretty early in the morning,

typically get up up four, get ready, all the things, get to the gym by 4.45. Crazy. This particular morning, I needed to stop by our bank to make a deposit, whatever. I needed to go to the bank really fast. So go to the bank, which is like kind of across town, while I'm driving back to go to the gym, I realized, you know, it was bubbling.

So I was like pretty much speeding through town. I mean, it's like 4.30 in the morning by this point. No one's, you know, up. No one's driving. driving around. So I'm like flying through, you know, stop signs, doing California rolls, all the things. I'm about to turn into my gym. I got pulled over. I got pulled over and I was like literally about to burst and the cop comes to my door and was like, hey, I've been following you actually for the past, you know, many, this many blocks. So I was like, listen, I can't even lie to you. I have to go to

the restroom so bad. My gym is right there. And that is why I have been seen. Nice. You got to tell the truth. He started to laugh, actually. He starts to laugh. Doesn't even ask for my ID. And he was just like, listen, there were some, you know, gas stations on the way here. Um, but just next time really try to, um, not roll through stop signs and, uh, just make sure that you're watching your speed. And I was like, all right. I got into that parking lot and I mean, ran into the bathroom What a question That was hilarious

God I love her Delivers every week I love when cops Just understand though You know God there's not a better moment The one time this cop was like Yo you uh

You been drinking And I was like I have I have been like Driving like an idiot a little bit But this is why And I told him, I was like, I'm not even making this up. I'm starving. And I bought these apples at Target from that target that you probably followed me out of.

And they rolled onto the ground. And the whole time I've been driving, I've been trying to break open the bag with my right hand and get an apple. And I've been doing this for like, I don't know, 700 yards down the, I can only measure in football fields. because yeah I was like pretty much I've been reaching for an apple this whole entire time I've been driving

and he was like oh all right man we'll just be safe next time and you know just get the apple before you start driving I was like yeah

apples are trash too bought the wrong apples you ever buy the wrong apples apples are so deceiving you see the bag they look dude you ever get apple fished

you know what I'm talking about when an apple catfishes you it looks amazing dude it's got the it's got the shape down you know what shape I'm talking about it doesn't look like one of those wax apples it looks like a circle apple

like a cartoon apple almost it's got like the yellow it's got the red it's not it's not deep red it's like faded yellow you're like oh this this thing's gonna have a crunch perfect size not too big because you know there's huge apples and you're like

bro that's a whole like meal perfect size bit into it soft how nobody knows it's a mystery what's the best apple nobody can tell you I like this

and I like Cosmic Crisp have you had um gala uh sugar bee they're all different they're all there every time I have a gala Apple

Fuji Apple they're different every single time get one bag oh my God these are so good go back to the store the next day I get the same bag from the same area they're all soft

what's going on hey apples how about some consistency God I want to talk to big apple so bad you know they're doing it on purpose all right so back to your story i've had to poop like that one time where you're just like breaking rules because you got to go so bad you can't go in your pants you can't ruin your clothes because at that point at 4 a.m. like you got your bag packed you've got all your stuff locked in there's not one article of clothing you can waste

you can't you're wearing your gym clothes to the gym you go in your pants you can't work out you can't turn around and go back to your house and get gym clothes because that's cutting into your workout time when you gotta wake up at 4 a.m., dude everything is dialed locked in, craziest time here. There'll be a time in everybody's life where you got to wake up at 4 a.m.

for like four months straight and the whole day scream to the finish line can't have one hiccup in your whole day or else it's just everything is thrown off she had to get there she had to break the rules but I'm telling you the worst place to go

sometimes the worst place to go to drop deuce the gym you're just like yeah what is you know when you sit down in a stall and you're like there's a story that's been in the you know you can like feel the the history of the stall when you sit down in there dude the gym has such rich history in its stalls you sit down to take a

deuce you're like what has happened in here it's like the temperature's weird the floor's wet I'm like this this toilet feels too warm you know like somebody was on this toilet it 17 seconds before I got in here. It just seems used and abused, man. I'm like, did somebody do steroids in here? And, like, start a company and, like, also wrestle. So, someone in a headlock in this bathroom before I got in here? It's just, it's too weird.

Gym bathrooms, dude. Never really feel safe. I'm like, if I'm dropping deuce in here, can a guy, like, just come in here and rip down the door? and punch me in the face and leave every time I'm at a gym bathroom naked punched in the face on the toilet how did he die

that dude uh deadlifting 485 ripped open the bathroom door punched him in the mouth and then went back out there and did three more sets

it feels like it would happen lost my place so bad where are we okay all right i would never tell anybody this and it's fucking gross but you asked so this is your fault and i'm about to tell you a story that i've never told anybody on the planet so why not tell it to strangers and the guy who picked jd over jesse

Um, so, dude, what, what show is he talking about? You know, I was in first grade, I was at that point where I knew like,

dude, like, like, I knew how to use the toilet. Like, I was getting pretty good, but, you know,

just, it wasn't perfect yet. So, you know, once in a while, you just let one rip. And that's what I did in class. And,

uh, teacher wouldn't let me use the restroom. So I kind of just had to sit there in my shit. And I remember we had to, we had to like move to the floor at one point for some reading bullshit and I remember I sat like

like on my legs for some reason I thought that would like shield it and by the way only one time did somebody ever comment like damn dude who ripped one like only one time how many times is that and then when I finally

was able to go to the restroom I pulled down my pants and there wasn't any shit there no poop and I'm not making it up like I pooped like you could kind of see like the stain

okay you asked it's gross okay but you asked but there was no turn so in Mrs. Richard's first grade class there was a they turned there was just a log somewhere I don't know where.

Also, fun fact, this is the same teacher that I alluded to in a previous message who was horrified that I was using the brown crayon on people because, you know, there are people of all different colors in our world. And she gave me a peach crayon and said, never do that again. So, yeah, so I think she deserved a piece of shit. Thanks one to know one Oh my gosh Dude so you just dropped a log in the class Nowhere to be found Kind of got out of there

Scott free Scott free Who the hell's Scott What a relief though You know All my anxiety went away When he said there was no poop In your pants

I was like what are you going to claim it you know about oh that's mine like it's a like it's a dog that one's mine that log on the floor dude that could be anybody's at that point you're good to go might smell a little bit might have to laundry in the bathroom we know we know about that grind hey might might just have to rip the underwear off and go commando you probably didn't think about that in first grade though but what a move that would be can you imagine first grade you eight years old undie

frugal looms in the trash command of the rest of the day what's good like nothing happened ghost poopie you know what we call that boo boo boo

Jesus Christ yeah he can't be serious let's keep going okay so I actually was not hitting. I sent you a full message. Worst thing ever. I was stuck in the bathroom that was clogged. I feel very low shame about it for some reason. Like, I should be quivering in a closet

somewhere, like, and never leaving a house again. But, like, literally, quite literally, um, clogged a toilet. I was like, you know, what like fuck it gravity always wins it's gonna go down it has to go down it always does

I take a shower get out of the shower didn't go down it did not weird toilet thing it didn't go down and so I put my clothes on

I looked at it hands my fiance who proposed to me after two months knowing each other maybe oh i don't know 10 feet away from the bathroom oh you're not letting him know i dry my hair i curl it it's going on two hours i keep checking gravity is just not

it was not winning that day no it really wasn't and so i did the bravest thing anybody could ever do oh my god and i flushed that shit It did not go down. It went up and over, spirited away. It was, it was like snow on Christmas night. It was everywhere. Oh, oh. Particles probably floating in the air.

And so I stayed in there now like three hours. Oh, my. Was he checking? Um, didn't know. I just threw towels at it. I threw as many towels as I could. I called my brother. I call my mom. I call my grandma. It was like I was saying goodbye. Like, you know, just I loved you guys so much. I loved a really good life. And this is where it ends. So, um, I guess more. Hold on. it cut me off i don't know why so i'm letting the story out because i believe in energetic frequencies and this is something that needs to be you felt it need to be out here released yeah from my body if you will um so you tell your man honestly as a girl i was trying to explain this But, like, I thought it would be more girly and, like, a little bow, pink bow, like, girls only.

Like, I said it's a tampon. I flushed a tampon. It, you know, that's what it was. It wasn't that it was seven or eight or 12 inches long. Oh, my God. It was that I am a girl. That'll work. That would get me for sure

He just looked at me And he said, okay My fiance Two months I'm only known him two months He says I know exactly what to do I need to go

Grab some buckets I'm going to get a snake pipe Once we go to Home Depot We're going to get a snake thing So I'm going to extract The tampon

Oh my God With this Home Depot like snake cord that will grab it and then with the buckets what I'll do is I'll have two buckets

just pour the shit in there you know take it out in the backyard just dump it out well I'll do a couple rounds you know like two buckets full

it'll be fine and then I'll do a little tube so I'll connect the tube so the water can flow out into the bucket kind of like a device um and so that that was that was what he did and i i'll never forget it i'll never forget it and i'm really glad that i was able to tell i think that this story needs to be told is you're in a bathroom just don't fucking flush it you know leave it

what a journey i think oh yeah that was kind of a trick tell me if i'm wrong but i think girls actually i know girls clogged toilets probably 75% more than dudes the time i've clogged toilets in my life it's because like too much toilet paper but girls will just

what's going what happens do you like save it all up or so you know what I'm saying dude grew up I heard somebody laugh outside and I swear to God I was a girl that it completely agrees

you know what I mean girls are clog dogs what is that what is that both my sisters clog dogs I'm like there's no way that I'm not doing it more than you

I think if you would have told bro what happened exactly it's always better to tell the truth it sucks but it's always he would have probably loved you so much more you know like if I dated a girl and she like she had to like come up to me and be like

you know just like like no ego and be like yo I just clogged the toilet so hard can you like help me I'd be like I think I love you I might drop the L bomb there Has he ever said he loves you? Yeah, he took a huge shit I think that's deep down

Why I don't want to get married at this age I just don't have the guts to poop in front of a girl If I was in your situation I'd be like I gotta get divorced It's not gonna work So back in the day when we used to go into the office, me and my buddy grabbed lunch. We worked at separate banking jobs downtown Chicago. For some reason, we came up with a topic of how we would wipe our ass.

And I always wiped it from the bottom up towards my back. And my buddy, he said that it was easier for him to go from the top of his back down underneath to his ball sack. So I thought that was very interesting, very weird, and I decided to give it a try at 3 o'clock when that second wave of coffee was starting to hit in. Tell me about it, babe. When I decided to do it, I did it at work, not sure why, but they always had the shittiest toilet paper at work. It was like wax. Wax paper. And I took my shit, and I started wiping back to front.

And I just to realize I was smearing my shit all over my balls. And it was just getting worse and worse and worse. And I couldn't clean it up. I didn't have like a bidet or wipes or anything like that. So water? I tried to do the best I could. I went back into my cubicle and it just stinks like shit. It just smells like shit.

So I just packed up my stuff and I went home and called it a day and took a shower and threw out those underwear. And never decided to wipe my ass from the back to the front again like that. man uh dude was descriptive everybody everybody knew what you were putting down there bro nice I've never

actually I went like two years wiping different you're like disgusting okay this whole podcast is like seriously gross it's necessary grew up with my mom taught me how to wipe good I didn't know this till my friend pointed it out and that sounds weird but my friend walked in on me

on me one time when I was taking a deuce and I was wiping back to front like you were talking about any like time went on never said anything and we were to it got brought up or something he's like dude you know you wipe like a girl talking to me and I was like what do you mean And he was like, you're not supposed to, you're supposed to wipe front to back. That's how, like, dude's wipe. And I was like, oh, yeah, I don't know. Like, how would you, I've never, he's like, dude, it's because your mom taught you how to wipe and your mom's a girl. And so you, like, wipe like a girl.

I was like, oh. So I've been wiping like a girl this whole time? Hey, haven't changed it. Feels right to me. I'm everyone. Yeah. So, like, it's weird to tell that story. Like, I want to tell that story to people.

But everybody's like, why is your friend watching you white? It's just sometimes you do, bro. I don't know. Sometimes you're just, the boys are, you're just so boys with somebody. Sometimes you just, like, sit by the door when they're going. You're just, like, talking to them. Then they start wiping, you usually turn your head because that's like the awkward part of the whole situation. Wiping?

Watch this somebody wipe is weird. But if you're in the bathroom when somebody's taking a do, it's not that weird for some reason because, like, dogs do that. You know, we're always watching dogs poop. Same thing as a person. When a person starts wiping, you got to, like, leave the premises. Drive your car away. But for some reason, he just caught me. Got caught in the crossfire.

Wipe like a girl, bro I don't know It works out for me You gotta have training But for two years of my life Like I did wipe the other way And I was like I just don't like I don't like

Rocking on the toilet seat Like to my left And like going up and in there It was just weird There's too much movement on the seat I almost you ever break a toilet seat bro That's more embarrassing than clogging a toilet I broke somebody's toilet seat

Like I went to their house It was like a pregame situation and I was just deuceing during the pregame you know like this won't be this will be better better do it now than later you know you got like party night ahead of you and I like did that move on the toilet where you like

put all your weight on one side whole toilet is like my whole ass and the oh I just had to walk out of the bathroom with half of a toilet seat guys I wasn't doing anything stupid I swear to God

I just had half of a toilet seat in my hand. I was like, I can go to Home Depot tomorrow and, like, get you a toilet seat. Stupid. So you go. Yo, Benny, what up? Yeah, so once I'm I was with an athletic trainer. We were in a tiny ass, like, gym.

There was, like, maybe six other people being trained in there. Six, six. One bathroom. again super tiny and I was squatting and went down and sure enough started to crown a little bit and I knew something serious had to happen but I wasn't about to go into that bathroom with like six other people in this small gym space and completely demolish it so I had to think fast and I knew I could go somewhere public for a restroom but I couldn't just say hey guys I got to go take a shit so I told them someone was

breaking into my house and my alarm was going off and I had to run out of there to check and see if it was safe went across the street shit my brains out went back and finished the workout how good was the rest of that workout though you clean you took it to the brink dude there's nothing better there's there on this this sounds horrible but there is no better feeling than just emptying it out ew like when you got to go so bad and you can't and you can't and you can't and you finally get home and your body knows you know you're like getting closer to your door and your body just is like yeah yeah bro And you sit down and just,

ha, dude, you know it's bad. Dude, it's happened to me multiple times. You sit down and you had to go so bad that when you're going, there's snot and tears running out of your face. You're not even, dude, so bad, you don't even know where your phone is.

Usually you have your phone in your hand. You're wiping your face with toilet paper. the craziest thing with your eyes water dog it's so insane but that dude that can make your day you're taking a deuce that makes your day like you do so good

that the rest of the day you could still kind of feel it you're like god I needed that you're disgusting but I know that's how you the second half of that workout, you're a different person. D1! About to transfer!

Why'd he transfer? Took a shit. In 2012, when the Super Bowl was in Indianapolis, LMFAO just did a concert downtown, and we all went and got wasted. Throughout the night, we kept partying, and it got super late, and I don't remember where we were,

but I remember I had a shit really bad. I went into the Circle Center Mall and found a bathroom and started pooping. and then I woke up again and looked at my phone and I was like holy shit I just fell asleep on the toilet because I was so drunk

20 minutes go by and I had at least 10 missed calls and text messages for people looking for me but I passed out because I was pooping and I was so drunk Dude the title of this voice

dude I can you put whatever you want on these voicemails your name anonymous this dude just goes you know my voice and now this is playing games dude

I gotta know who you are Part of me feels relieved Like if I was in your situation And I fell asleep on the toilet During that like party mode I would be like thank God I fell asleep You probably needed that 20 minutes dude A little 20 minute nap

That was probably the best place That you could find You know you always try to find that bathroom That's like nobody's using it Nobody's even nearby Nobody's gonna mess with me It's hidden. It's on a different floor.

Like, you always try to find the bathroom. Going into the Circle Center mall at like 2 a.m. And taking a deuce might be the most peaceful moment of your life. No footsteps. Nobody coming in. Just. it's you and you dude man in the mirror in the mall too

that vacant out of business mall god that sounds great man who's not falling asleep in there I can't believe I've never fallen asleep while taking a deuce before new activity unlocked so me

my brother and my boyfriend were all at the house I'm getting ready to go to a college basketball game and we were drinking and whatever and I had to go pee I was like let me go pee one last time well I like we're all comfortable around each other so we like fart around each other all the time so I'm like I gotta go

I gotta go real quick before we leave so got up I was walking through the living room and I'm thinking like I gotta like fart really bad so lift my leg up like all the way into the air and I have blue jeans on and I just let it rip and it was a full on diarrhea

shirt and looked back out of like mortified and just sprinted to the bathroom obviously and like our Uber

is pulling up in the driveway and I'm mortified I'm like fuck fuck I'm gonna change it was bad but pretty fucking awesome

in the same time I love her oh my god yo the leg up like you're about to pitch the fastest fastball of all time those are the ones right there my mom used to get so

mad at me nothing funnier than a fart dude when you play it up nothing funnier you're literally immature oh my god dude the uh the grand reveal of a fart it's gotta be it's it's top top tier top two not two comedy

when you do a little dance before and people think you're just in a good mood oh and all of a sudden you do a chicken like chicken wing bro in front of people that you don't really know Those are material. Great bit. Dude, my mom would get so... I swear I would juggle an apple for 15 minutes doing all this stuff. Uh, around my head, uh, around my way.

So my mom would be like getting into it. She'd be like, oh, yeah, keep going, keep going. And I'd be like, mm, mm, mm, I throw it up in the air real high, and then I got it. Dude, she would get so mad. Oh, my, I'd be dying. Like, there's just no way.

You don't think that's funny. Dude, the leg up in the air is so crazy. I pictured that. That was such a good story. I pictured the brown spot in your jeans when he said that. Skip guy. Hey, Benny. So, my best pooper fart story is at Marshall's.

I was in a stall taking a shit because, of course, it's exactly what you do at Marshalls. Every time you work in. I know. I don't know. It's just something about the place. You're so right. And all of a sudden, a guy walked in, knocked on the stall, saw I was in there, went directly to the urinal. I figured that he just farted.

The biggest shit you've ever heard. Then he walked out. When I got done taking a dump, I look over explosive diarrhea everywhere all over the urinal. No joke. everywhere so I had to take a picture of it just so people would believe me I'm going to send it to your DMs

for proof dude he did send it to me I don't know if I can show it though should I mean I got it now this isn't Patreon so am I going to get flagged on YouTube for this

absolutely does it matter damn where is it oh god dude I'm gonna do it real quick alright I mean I guess though I mean if you gotta go

really bad emergency and there's somebody in the stall it's like what I guess I might nah I would go in the urinal I guess it seems like a crime it seems like you go to jail for that but like what am I what am I supposed to do cop talking to you why'd you poop in the urinal what else do you want me to do on the floor

you ever think about going in that you know that every bathroom has that drain on the floor you ever think about going in there for a minute I was like I think that's an option for like seven years of my life that drain in the middle of the bathroom floor

every public restroom has one I'm like can we pee in there like if everything's taken can we pee in that drain it's all going to the same place babe I might go there if the stall is full I really got to go, I might, I might go, in my head, I would think sink first.

I know that sounds crazy, but like, for some reason, I think I would pick that over a urinal because pooping in a urinal is just, I just feel like you're going to, like it's big trouble or something, you know, because like middle school, elementary school, like if somebody did that, it would be over. So I'm thinking sink first option for some reason. Just sitting there kind of would feel good. Legs dangling, kicking. Might do that tonight.

Urinal 2. And then that little bathroom hole 3. God, I've been wanting to pee in that little bathroom hole for so long. Yeah, but how come every time you go into a marshal's, you're like, I got a shit. I kind of think every fitting room ever should have a toilet in it. Because every time I'm changing clothes, I'm like, God, dang it. I might just pee in here, too.

Wouldn't that be great? And half the time you don't know if the stores are going to let you go to the restroom. How come every time I go to a restroom in the store, I feel like it's a privilege or something? Like, it's not my right that I have to pee. I'm like, can I use the restroom? And like, 75% in my head is like, they're going to say no. And they're always like, yeah. And I'm like, oh my God, thank you so much.

Like, how come I feel like I'm not allowed to go to the bathroom in stores? especially if it's a grocery store I'm like am I allowed back here I like see all your guys like work lockers and stuff and I'm uh like is this

am I am I working here now throw me an apron hey Benny um wow so it's not like a poop or fart story it's all good ma

it's more of a peace story So. Sounds embarrassing. Okay. So I was 11 years old. I was 11 years old. And I was at a baseball game with my family. And it was like this new stadium. They had just opened. And like we were taking the tour and this is big deal. And I was like my family is really big. And I didn't want to like have a stop to go use the bathroom during the tour because I just felt like it was such an inconvenience for them to have to stop. So I waited until the end of the tour And then finally got to like the little food court area And literally as I'm running into the bathroom Down my little embroidered bell bottoms go like just The huge the huge it was so bad Oh my God it was so I mean 11 11 doing that

Oh my God it's crazy So yeah and it's like I don't even remember what I think I like threw my jacket over my waist or something and tight it because I'm like I can't wear these piss pants old pisses oh my god okay so anyways that's it

gotta go bye fuck piss pants piss peas jeans that's never leaving you pee on shorts okay yeah yeah but pee jeans

like you wash those a couple times still pee in there it's always like i always think about that too i'm like you know if i ask to go to the bathroom are they going to be mad i hate that feeling i want to say surround yourself with a group of people that you can pee at any time with okay surround yourself with people that don't mind when you got to pee every 10 seconds okay surround yourself that people surround yourself with people they got to piss 24-7.

I can remember a couple times in high school. My teacher wouldn't let me go pee. Oh my God, I was mad. If you walk out of this room, you're getting a detention. I was like, I'll piss on the AC unit. What do you mean? I can't even think I have to pee so bad.

You're going to let me go? Had to be some kind of abuse. man. Peeing down the jeans leg. Covering up with the sweatshirt. Good play. I think that's half the reason sweatshirts were invented. So you can tie them around your waist when you shit or pee your pants. Perfect. Let's keep going. When my kid was first born, I was hella tired in the middle of the night. I was taking a shit. Half asleep. And I wipe and get up to wash my hands and

I got a shit again, you know what I mean? It hits another round, so I sit back down to shit. I'm so tired. I put my hands to my face to lean over and, you know, I'm so tired. I didn't realize there was shit on my hand. And now it was all over my face. Fuck, bro.

Old fecesy face. Yeah, that is amazing when that happens. Take deuce. wipe and then you're like wait I gotta go again it's almost like when you wipe

maybe it's just me it's almost like when you wipe it just reactivates going to the go on to take a deuce again and I'm like at this rate like sometimes I'm like if I sat down all day on the toilet

I think I could just poop for the whole day You ever think about that? Like if I didn't have anything to do today And I just sat on this toilet 20 like for for 15 hours I would poop for 15 hours I go to wipe

Boom reactivates We're back in Done okay wipe All right we're back in again We reactivated it I feel like that Every time I wipe Cause I got your picture

I'm coming with you Dear Maria Count me in There's a story At the bottom of this bottle And I'm the motherfucking pen Oh shit Is this thing on

Hey Benny I hear we're talking God Brown's on the program Okay Station definitely does not know About this one So I get the only guy invite On a girl's weekend

Away at a cottage Probably because I'm hooking up With the girl Who's family Owns the cottage And we go up north and I bring with me a Texas Mickey, which I don't even know if that's just a Canadian thing.

It's like 101 ounces of liquor. And we all, the first night, put a lot of damage into this whiskey bottle. And I wake up with a massive hangover Saturday morning. I have to pull trigger at like 5 a.m. Nice. Turns out, they turn the water off in the bathroom, or just I guess to the whole cottage.

So I can't flush. No harm, no foul, cover it up with some toilet paper, whatever. Half an hour later, though, have to go back outside to Pultrigg once again. And it's not just a Pultrick situation. It's a Code Brown situation. I've got it coming out both ends. I came prepared with the toilet paper. And you know what?

Honestly, it was a pretty picturesque moment for an outdoor evacuation of the lower end. You know, beautiful Canadian morning, the sun shining through the trees. It's quiet. Birds are chirping. Except for the fact. then my asshole is getting eaten raw by mosquitoes and black flies. Not like literally not biting me anywhere else except for in and around my asshole while I am literally laying a curler in the fucking forest floor. What the, do you know how hard it is to be macking on your girl when all you want to do is scratch your asshole?

Dude. I, I, I, I am still haunted by that weekend and I will never, ever, ever, shit in the woods. So help me God. Dude, put that voice message in the Hall of Fame. We did it. Voice message Hall of Fame. The adjectives. like a poem descriptive I in my head

you painted I knew exactly where you were the woods you're right there I saw it

I saw the flies biting the walls of that ass I that ass New York Times

best voice message right there it's the first one in the Hall of Fame. I mean, we just made the Hall of Fame. So there'll be more. There'll be more to come. There's some that should be in there from past episodes, but we haven't made the Hall of Fame. We just made the Hall of Fame. God, that was good. Because I got your

big shoe. I always think about that. I don't think I've ever gone outside before. I've never been camping. There's always been a situation where I can go to a toilet. Oh, wait, wait, wait, I have one time. I have one time. I have one time. One time. And that was the only thought in my head something is crawling up my a fly a little tick

I'm so vulnerable it's open gaped something's going up there bro one time same thing dude had to go so bad I was on a beach

dude I got to run up to the room there's like a night party on a beach I was a freshman in high school went with this family on spring break and we were like out on the I had no business being on spring break I'm not drinking I don't know how to talk to girls all I want to do is like play video games but I'm just on this family spring break pretty much I want to get a tan we're like doing this stuff I'm like I wonder if I could talk to girls out here like on this beach thing I was like kind of to go to the bathroom but whatever it'll go away you know you think your your poop will go

way because sometimes it does sometimes if you if you like make it through the first wave you won't see that poop again until like I don't know three hours four hours so it's such a weird thing because it's always inconsistent and like we're having this little there's people on the beat it's at night there's like tiki torches it's all like people my age on my eyes kind of cool she's she looks good like what am I doing though actually I don't even really want to be here and then it just hits me. I'm like, yo, I got to go.

Mouth watering. You know what I'm talking about? When it's, when you're starting your mouth starts like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Emergency. Emergency. I gun it back to his condo in the sand. It's like, and me running is making it worse. So I just like dig a hole with my heel on the beach.

sand take down my cargo shorts just like literally felt like a caveman pants to my ankles

squatted down make sure the pants weren't in the crosshairs covered it up with sand gorilla walked

back to his condo wiped right back on the beach like nothing never happened but when I was sitting there I was like I know

there's something weird weird going up my ass right now some little mini crabs going up there you're so right about just having to it while you're like talking to a girl it's so crazy

when that happens you ever have a day when you're at when your behole just won't leave you alone I'm like and you're always in the worst situations why do I always have to be in line

at a bank 12 people behind me I'm like oh my God I'm literally going to I was front row in a football meeting. Had a bad B-hole day. Just almost had like a twitch because it's so bad.

Front row. I couldn't stand up and... Ah! Just had to swallow it, dude. Just had to take the punches in the front row listening to my head coach. like this. Jesus Christ, dude. I was at Fenway Park with my boyfriend and his whole family.

There was like seven of us or something. I like this. I like this already. I went and ate a hot dog. Okay. I love to eat hot dogs at baseball games. Oh my God. Moments later, I shit myself.

Now, mind you, I'm in all. all white. I'm in a white miniskirt. And I imagined I was simply going to walk straight out of that park and all the way back home. But I beeline to the bathroom. I threw away my underwear and nothing got on my skirt. Oh my God. So I was able to rejoin the family, completely commando in my white miniskirt. And we took family photos together. We have group photos. I even posted them on my Instagram because I look great. But now when you see those photos, you will know that I was Commando because I had just shit myself. Okay. Love you. Bye. Dude. What a play. That's what I'm talking about, man. The power of Commando. It feels so, I'm telling you, I think, I think,

I think the whole fam needs to, needs to just try it. T. It's a, it's an article of clothing that doesn't really need to be there unless you're going to show yourself I guess because that that is in case of emergency layer right there I would have been going to gift shops Fenway Park hey guys have any underwear in here I want to go on for a gag gift for my girls go in the bathroom

throw that red socks thong right on God what a relief dude your pants at a baseball game throwing your underwear away and having the best day of your life perfect day for me okay brutal leg injury i dislocated my kneecap i was about 20 years old living with my parents um the pain is horrible i can barely put my foot on the ground seven days into vicaran my first time taking painkillers um i realize i haven't shit in seven days this is never

having in my life. I'm freaking out mentally, physically. I ask my parents, go get me an enema, go get me laxatives. They go get them. I take the laxatives, but I can't even wait for them to work. I'm really freaking out. So I do the enema. Laying on the bathroom floor, again, with a fucked up leg, like, so fuck, so not okay to do one, have to hop up somehow, get on the toilet where a football fucking flies out of my asshole I calm down, I go to bed but don't forget I took fucking laxatives too so at 3 a.m.

My eyes shoot open. I realize I have about four seconds to get to the bathroom. I fucking can't move fast. Trying to find my crutches in the dark. I realize I'm not even going to make it out of the bedroom. I grab the little trash can that's in the room but it is a metal trash can

that has at least a thousand tiny holes in it that's just like the design of it absolute piece of shit i diarrhea into this thing and of course it sprays out the thousand holes god and then at that point i'm just like absolutely on the brink of death i get to i go to the bathroom with the fucking trash can i come back in i somehow clean up the goddamn mess in the bedroom and then um i put the trash can into a trash bag because I no longer care about anything in the world and my dad wakes up for work

and I'm like dad can you please take this to the trash outside and just don't even talk to me about it and he did and that's the whole fucking story mad at the end of the story like it just happened 30 seconds ago and that's the whole story shut up Having to poop when your legs all messed up

Laxative ass Who makes the trash can like that? It's just kind of my dream to shit in a trash can Like I know what you mean There were holes and it went everywhere But like it's for when you're doing it It had to kind of feel like liberating.

You kind of felt free. Because your butt would fit perfect in a trash can. Like a glove? It's a good dad. Never brought it up again. I wonder if he even looked inside. I'd be too scared. Never taken laxatives, but I feel like they'd be a lifesaver

If you took a laxative every day at the end of the night Would you lose weight? Can't tell if he has body is morphia or not. I had diarrhea driving one day. I'm in Melbourne and I was wearing bike shorts And the bike shorts held all the poos and the fluids until I got home and waddled to my shower where I had to shower everything off.

It was disgusting. Throw it away. I love that waddle. I'd do anything to see that waddle. Hold on. I had diarrhea driving one day. I'm in mouth. I kind of think there's,

some girls that only have diarrhea. Is it true? You ever see a girl and you're just like, you only have diarrhea? You haven't had a solid poop in 17 years. Last time you had a solid poop? Sixth grade. Christmas party.

After that, straight diarrhea. I think those are the girls I date What up So shit stories are literally In my worst nightmare I'm a guy who Likes to go to the bathroom Only in the comfort of their own home

Come on So already I have bad Take a walk on the wild side I had bathroom tendencies But one time I was going to a party I was traveling by myself And I had the

worst bubble guts ever and had to go bathroom so bad and I had to pull up to a gas station you know where they have one of the bathrooms on the side so I hurry up and pulled up to the gas station never locks I ran into the gas station I left my phone in the car and I just started going to the bathroom you know straight waterworks you know diarrhea and I check and there's no toilet paper and I check and there's no friggin paper towels so I'm like oh my god what the hell am I going to do I don't even have my phone on me I was like I was going to try to call the you know the gas station be like and somebody run out and give me toilet paper and it was like in the back of the gas station where no one to hear me if I started screaming or anything so I checked the waste

basket and there's like old paper towels in there and I was like am I going to have to use these paper towels. Is this sanitary? Am I going to get a, like, disease? Be a dog. And then I was going to, my second option was like, am I going to try to, you know, use the sink as a bidet? But it was like, the sink was too high,

and I was wearing an outfit that I didn't want to get messed up. So I took my fucking socks off. Oh! And I wiped my ass with both of my socks. Oh! And I threw it right in the garbage right after. And I still went to the party with no socks on. And I told my boys, and they were crying when I got there.

They were like, You're fucking crazy. I did not see that coming. Did anybody see that outcome? No, bro. I thought you went straight for the recycled toilet paper. That's actually not a bad idea if that ever happens. Just use the backside of somebody's like paper towel that they wiped their hands on.

I mean, whatever. It's guns blazing. You're already in a gas. station bathroom putting your ass on anything. Might as well wipe it with anything. You ever just have to use your hands? That's crazy. I did it the other day.

Just cuss. I swear, I had a full roll of toilet paper and dude wipes. But I was like, I'm going to take a deuce and I'm going to take a shower. I don't really feel like using all this toilet paper. I'm just going to get in the shower and wash it anyway. Took the deuce, hopped in the shower, just started monkey wiping. Worst wipe of all time

I was like I need to take a shower after this shower I was in the shower thinking God I need to take a shower The socks bro A how good did that feel A fresh mid white Nike sock For a wipe That's some rich people stuff right there

That might be rich people toilet paper You might have invented something that was the best wife your life I mean who cares if you have socks on at a party I wonder what I wonder what the fit was though we got to know the fit we got another fit all right so when I was five

my brother was nine and my sister and her friend was 15th they were babysitting us around Christmas time and so me my brother upstairs playing mortar combat I'm 64 and we hear my sister's friend run up to steps screaming and she starts screaming that there's this dude running around our house with a knife and he's naked and he's just running outside and then my sister comes up to steps

with blood all over her shirt so they tell me to hide under the bed and they grab my brother for help to take him downstairs so while i'm under the bed i immediately shit myself and it was like a solid shit like it literally like it piled on top of each other so under the bed like it was touching the top of the bed and so after like a couple minutes I got to go do so. I have to go downstairs. I'm not here or nothing, so I go downstairs,

and I look at the living room and all three of them are just laying just lifeless on the living room floor. So I run into the bathroom, and I drop, drop, trial, and kind of like, it kind of smears everywhere, and I just sit in the corner of the bathroom. They come in acting like zombies.

Whole time, it was not blood. It was ketchup on her shirt, and they were trying to pull the prank on me. But instead, I shit it everywhere. So they had to clean it up before my parents got home But yeah, that's what happened There was no naked man Oh my God, the most chaotic

Minute 30 seconds of my life I thought they were dead When he said they were lifeless I was like, oh, they actually scared the shit out of you So you shit twice You shit the bed Dude, you did every saying in one voice message. Scared the shit out of you.

Shit the bed. Bro, what? I think you got to throw your whole bed away. I think you got to move. Drop trout. I swear he said drop trout in there somewhere. I got to run that back. Hold on.

What was that part? All right. So when I was in the living room and all the floor, so I run into the bathroom. and I dropped trowl and kind of like it kind of smears everywhere. And I just sit in the corner of the bathroom. When they come in acting like zombies,

whole time it was not blood, it was ketchup on her shirt. And they were trying to pull the break on me. But instead, I shit it everywhere. So they had to clean it up before my parents got home. But yeah, that's what happened. There was no naked man. Shitty booty in the bathroom. Drop trow!

Yeah, I want to see a drop trial. Got to throw away the bed, dog. So, the worst fart or shit that I had, there's two. One, I just got done hooking up with the guy. The bathroom was like 20, 30 feet from where he was. We had the TV up loud. I went in the bathroom, cut the water on, sat down on toilet, and I knew I needed to fart. So I was like, bad.

So I pee, I fart in a toilet. Kind of loud, but not like too loud. out or whatever. I walk out the bathroom and this man is just staring at me and smiling and laughing hysterically. I put on my clothes and left. I was not staying there for that. Second time, I was day drinking from like 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. stopped at that time. My best friend hit me up at like 7. I was like, yo, let's go to this popular bar at 9. I'm like, bet. We go to bar. We're there. We're like 9 or 10. I go to the bathroom and the way how this bathroom is set up, it looked like you would get cooties if you sat down.

So I, so I like squatted over the toilet and I was peeing. Um, when I farted and I sharded, okay? Everywhere. Like when I looked around my shit was all on the back of the wall.

It was on the top of the toilet. Like on the side, like the fucking toilet seat, the outer and inside, it looked like splattered painting. Okay. It wasn't single bathroom stall. I don't know how many people are in there, like, or who was waiting outside of the line. I just, ha. So I told my friend, I said, we got to go. I cannot get caught up here.

We have to go. I'm a very gassy lady. Hey, gassy lady, it was nice to know you. But you got a white ball of your. of the wall it was nice to know you I don't know you I don't know man I think it's okay after all that I'm a guy that if I have to deuce at a bar I don't care I'm going I'm not letting this deuce ruin my night sitting in the bathroom

I don't care if 27 people come in there you're taking the shit to hear nowhere to shit I'm not sitting with shit I'm having a good time I don't want shit I want to have shit feeling I'm going

so I don't blame you so you're supposed to do in the bathroom when it comes down to it what are you supposed to do in the bathroom you're supposed to pee and poop it went all over the wall you didn't know God, I want a picture of that so bad.

I mean, what? No, the first part, where you thought you were being quiet, farting in the toilet? I wonder how many times I've actually done that, thinking no one could hear me. I bet like 75 people have just heard every sound I've ever made

I don't think they have you know what I mean how many people have actually heard you when'd you hear that you know everything about me I remember I was at some girls' parents are out of town I was at her house there were like nine people at her house

we're all upstairs everybody was in one room like sleeping on the ground and there's a bathroom connected that room dead quiet everybody's awake. It's like 10 a.m. You know, after you spend the night, like everybody's awake and everybody's talking.

I was just in the bathroom right there behind a single ply cookie cutter house door just like I couldn't control it. I didn't know how to like move my, like I was too young to like move my, you know how you can you can gape yourself so it's like and nobody can hear? I didn't know that yet. I hadn't been around the block enough so I'm just in there and like these are the people I hang out with these are like my friends and like high girls at the time like you know everybody heard man now I'm just a guy that that I'm just fart I'm just I'm just I'm just farter starter now this is me now my most embarrassing bathroom story comes from the seventh grade I was in military camp over the summer. It's just for fun.

I wasn't in trouble or anything. But they had us sleeping in the freshman dorms at a local university. And for some reason, I just didn't use the restroom for like three or four days. And then all of a sudden, on like night five, I just let it all go and clogged the toilets so bad that, yeah, my person in. charge had to come and help me get it unclogged and I learned what a courtesy flesh is it's never worked Michael Jackson died that week as I'm glad you said I know exactly I know exactly when you're talking about does everybody know where they were when Michael Jackson died I know I was in the U and D wait room they're like four black

dudes crying I was like what the hell happened they're like Michael Jackson died I was like you like don't know if they're serious or not. Really? I almost started laughing. I was like, oh, he really did.

What a summer. Old clogger summer. Courtesy flush has never worked for me once in the history of the world. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong. I don't even know if I know what it is, actually.

But like when you don't want it to smell, you do a courtesy flush. Like right when it goes in, flush. And then you wipe and flush? again? Is that what occurred if she flushes? I can never get it right.

It's supposed to cut down on the smell and all this. It never works. I've also never had like a deuce schedule. Some people are like first thing in the morning, around three, then eight o'clock.

Every day, clock work. Clock work. Clock work. Clock work. I've never had that like I just I might go four days without doing it I never know I never think of it

and I never keep track of it I'm just like it just happens when it happens I never try to plan it out and I never try to know either because I think that's when you get in your head about it you know you're like God I hope

like I've never thought like man I can't I hope I don't deuce at this time because I will so I'm just like I just don't even want to think about it. I don't want to plan it out. Like, I want no, I want no idea of when it's going to happen.

And your body kind of knows, too, you know. You're going to be with a girl for an extended amount of time. Your body's kind of like, I got you, bro. I got you. I want like a year and a half not having to poop once in front of a girl. It was crazy. body was just locked in but then one day we went to Disney World

it's going to happen there daytime you're with her at times you're not usually with her couple pits up taking way too long yeah I just got to pee real quick 25 minutes later

taking a whole pirate shower in the bathroom, paper towels. Wet water, soap. You know what's going to happen after that night? You got to be ready. You got to have a clean butt. When you're with a girl, every deuce you take,

you're putting soap and water on the towels. You don't know what's going to happen. Maybe something crazy happens. You got to get down. You got mud butt? You got I just deuced butt? Get it together.

Let's keep on. A couple more. If you like causing trouble up in hotel rooms. And if you like having secret little Runday foos. And if you like to do the things you know that we shouldn't do, baby you're perfect. Perfect, perfect. Baby I'm perfect for you. I'm so sick.

I can't even hit the easiest of notes. I don't have a poop story I have a while let me take that back I have so many poop stories about myself but I cannot share those come on I'm a girl I can't share those

that's weird but I have one about someone else that I know you will find hilarious Talk to me Talk to me, talk to me, talk to me baby You could actually Google this story And I really suggest you do Because it's just even more hilarious

when you see the words written out. But basically, this is a local New Jersey story, and it involves a high school track. So the people would go out, I guess, like, teams would go out and, like, run on the track or the gym classes would go out and run on the track, and they would notice that there would be a pile of human poop day after day. They're like, we, another pile of human poop, another pile of human poop. What's going on here?

So they contacted authorities. Authorities, like, set up a camera. or something they catch the guy it was a guy on his morning run would stop every morning and just take a deuce on the high school track on the track they found out who the guy was and it was the school's superintendents which is like wait like wrap your head around that that's wild to begin with but then you know the word got out spread like wildfire people love the story because because it's freaking hilarious. They dubbed, like, the story as the pooper intended.

So if you Google, like, New Jersey Cooper Intendant, New Jersey Pooper Intentant, like, he's done. Like, he was fired. His life is over. Like, his life is over. He was fired. I don't know what to say, but this. story, I mean the guy, what an idiot.

What an absolute idiot. I mean, dude. Just Every morning? Same spot. You really think you're getting a...

He wanted to get fired. There's no way pooper intended. He know he couldn't wait to do it every morning stretching thinking about it waking up early thinking about it well that's a guy with the due schedule knows when it's happening knows all the things have my cup of coffee get my exercise in two miles every day shower get ready for school human poop

every day I bet it was the same amount you know a superintendent bro a pooper intendant he's not skimpy he's getting the same thing rigid schedule same amount every day

God I want to see it what's he I mean what about the wipe no wipe what are you doing you're just dropping logs on the track you wiping with leaves I always thought that that that's like a

that's a phobia I have too I'm like I don't think I could everybody's like yeah you go to the bathroom in the woods and you wipe it leaves like why does everybody know that I'm like how many times have you done that to like just be so confident in that like I would go to the bathroom in the woods and wipe with poison ivy

What kind of leaf am I There's no Leaves are like slick You know rain is falling off leaves I can't wipe with that That's gonna make it worse I'm gonna need like a whole tree To white

Pooper was going shitty booty All day Benny I was backpacking through the Himalayas in the Everest region, day 17 of my trek. I wanted to do a summit. Hey, this is spit, roast it, girl. Banny, I was backpacking through the Himalayas in the Everest region, day 17 of my trek.

I wanted to do a summit. I hike from the base camp to two hours to the middle of nowhere. There's ten tents. I'm the only woman here. There's like 10 other tourist guys going to do the same hike. We go to bed. I have my own tent. All the tents are real close together.

The only toilet is a little outhouse. It's like basically just a hole in the ground. We go to bed. I wake up. I have like five seconds. Like I'm just about to explode. Like I know it's coming five seconds. I'm wearing like 16 layers in a mummy sleeping bag.

I have to wall squeezing my cheeks together as hard as it can. hand, put my boots on, unzip the sleeping bag, find my headlamp, find the roll of toilet paper, unzip the tent, and waddle to the hole, pull my pants down, and I just, I just exploded. And I even made a noise. And when a girl makes a noise while pooping, everyone knows it's girl. So everyone knew. Everyone knew in the middle of the night. Anyway, I finish. The noise.

I wipe, I pull my pants out, I turn around and look. I miss the hole. like everything missed the hole and I have no resources to clean it up I go back to the tent it hits me again 30 minutes later this time it's coming out my mouth I have a bag I'm okay I don't need to leave the tent I pray I'm like please

it's got to be it now 30 minutes later hits me again this time it's coming out both ends and I know it I run to the hole and I'm jumping I'm going out the back out the front and I'm jumping back and forth

to try to direct everything into the hole and I did this time I didn't miss one it was honestly an incredible feat anyway I got I got sick from dehydration

and they had to I had to ride a horse out the next morning two hour horse ride to get to the nearest camp and then they had to take me in a helicopter out of the Himalayas

all the way into the city Kathmandu and I had to get hospitalized for dehydration that's how bad my shit was yeah I don't know who ever ended up cleaning it up but

good luck I felt bad for them yo you know what we call that holy shit it can't be serious yeah oh lord

um damn it is so amazing when you get that sick the inconvenience you only get that sick like once every four years wow the timing yeah while she's in the himalayas let's do it when you get so sick that it's coming out of your mouth and you're just time after time

it's always at night for me why is it why you only get you only get sick like that at night it hits you at night and you can just hear your stomach and you're like, oh my God, I'm about to be sick. Mouth. Butt.

Mouth, butt, butt, butt, mouth, butt, mouth. Every time you move your finger when you're sleeping, your stomach, I'm like, gotta go again. Gotta go again. Gotta go again. And then you just end up sleeping in the bathroom.

On that rug, one of the best nights of your life. helicoptered because she was dehydrated I just want to know what noise you made can we get a follow up voice message with the noise what up Benny first time listener long time caller all right worst shit story I'm in line out of McDonald's

it's 7.30 in the morning on a Saturday why am I there because I'm the most hungover I've ever been. I woke up. I was like, I got to get some food in me or I'm going to throw up or shit myself.

So I make the order. Three sausage, egg and cheese, McRiddles, three hash browns and a large black coffee. I was like, dude,

if I just get some food in me, I'll be fine. But my stomach is killing me. Like, it's like a bog down there. It's just gurgling. I make the turn to go to the window.

Right as I make the turn, the sun hits me. I sneeze. I can't. it right in between my cheeks. I was like, oh, no, we're about to have a catastrophe here. If I could just hold on, I'm going to make it out of here alive, but I think we're going to be okay.

Right? As I think that, the second sneeze hits me. I unleash the beast. And I'm not talking about, like, I shit myself. I'm talking about throw my pants away and go take a shower. I'm sitting there. I'm like, oh, no, what am I going to do? this situation can't get any worse, but then I thought it could only get worse if I don't have

McDonald's. So I went through the drive-thru line, got my McDonald's, went home, took a shower, smashed that shit, slept for three days straight. Ah! So he ate the McDonald's was shitty booty? Just a pond in your pants while you're eating hash browns, McGrittles, and black coffee.

By the way, McGrittles, who's not eating a McGrittle with shit in her pants? Gotta be the number one. fast food breakfast thing. I mean, who's who's out doing a McGrittle?

It just seems right that you have to shit your pants in a McDonald's drive-thru. That might be the number one place people are shitting their pants to McDonald's drive-through. It's never been like that for me. On a hungover morning, I'm never, I got a deuce guy.

the morning after for me is like did somebody pour a gallon of vodka in my ear because my head feels like it's going to explode never my ass my ass unreal dude we might be we might be uh that might be best voice messages of all time. What a ride. All right. We gotta get going.

We gotta get going. We gotta get on. Let's go tweet of the week. August 16, 2021. Does anyone really like avocados? Or are we just eating them? I got totally, totally peer-pressured into eating avocados.

I guess, but I would not be eating avocados if you guys weren't. Everybody acts like it's the next big thing. Everybody acts like it's the new hot transfer in school. Oh my God, did you see how it got it? It's all talk! nothing to it avocado toast oh my god

what hell are we doing put jelly on it like a normal US citizen nobody really likes avocado I mean are you picking toast with jelly with cherry jelly on it blueberry peach jelly

or avocado We got played by avocado. I feel like they came out of nowhere. It's just because you're uncultured. What was it? Like 2015, avocado just took over the world. Okay.

Who's funding avocado? Who's pouring money behind an avocado? Nobody likes it. Propaganda, dude. March 29th, 2021. Imagine looking at words on your GPS and not just following the blue line. I got to be the worst driver of all time.

Cringe moment of the week. Me and my ex, Jay Daniel, in a car. Heading to a rave. Yo, I'll drive. Don't worry about it. Can you let me drive? Why?

Because every time you drive, I swear to God, you have no idea where you're going. It's true. She's had it right to my face, dude. And I don't care if I have GPS. I don't care if I have the blue line. Every exit, I think I'm supposed, I slow down to five miles.

an hour before I get on it. I don't know. It's so hard to tell. I'm a blue line guy. I'm following the blue line. The words, the numbers, they don't help me at all. I'm actually the most confused. I'm more confused looking at the words and numbers. Better off with the line. It's a miracle I get anywhere. Dude, it is so confusing. I don't know if I'm doing it wrong. I don't know if I haven't set up wrong, but I'm like, yo, if I have to drive on the highway, like, might never, see me again. I don't know how. I don't know how I've lived this long. I swear I go to five miles an hour for every exit and then I speed up past it if I don't need to go on it. How would I know? Two days of the week. Thursday. Today. National Indian pudding day. God damn. The way I want

some pudding. Shaking it in the bowl. My grandma used to do this thing where she'd make cookies and she'd put pudding in them. I don't know if that's a myth. I don't know if somebody told me that and lied to me when I was a kid, but I totally believe it to this day. And I'm telling you now. She used to make her cookies and put pudding in the middle of them.

So you'd have a chocolate chip cookie and it'd be like you'd bite into it and be like, I don't know how they make those cookies Beverly Hills cookies best cookies I've ever had my life had them this past weekend I don't know how they're doing it somebody somebody figured it somebody figured it out you know you can never get it right

you try to make your cookies like boneless you know what I mean? You're where it's like they're still like doughy, they're not hard. Beverly Hills cookies makes their cookies. And it seems like it seems like it's the grandma.

It seems like there's a little scoop of pudding. Chocolate pudding had the triple chocolate cookie from Beverly Hills cookie had a little bit of pudding in there. Peanut butter and jelly cookie. Cookie baked on the outside, boneless. falling apart

in the box inside the cookie I swear there was legit peanut butter and jelly that looked like it hadn't even touched an oven

somebody tell me how it's done Friday seatbelt day I don't know what happened to me but I put my seatbelt on like

somebody got to me. Driver's Ed teacher had my ass immediately when I get in the car. My parents complete off. Dude, my mom I don't think my mom's ever worn a seatbelt in her life. Maybe that's

every mom. My mom would get a new car and cut the seatbelt with a box cutter. First thing she did. I don't think my mom ever wore a seat. It was always just clicked every time and she just sit on top of it. mom never wore seatbelt

never locked the car windows always down it's just from a different era or something I don't know I just can't wear a seatbelt I don't know I just I just can't wear a seat

hasn't died just got to figure it out Saturday Raisin brand cereal day hooked on it hooked on Rby hard I thought it was so good for you

I thought raisin brand was like this is healthy whole grains and raisins which are fruits and I was just pouring cups of raisin brand down my throat I'd walk out of the cafeteria in college sometimes

with four cups of Raisin Brand like this like I was a server at Outback Steakhouse we'll just drink them on the way

to my dorm and somebody's like yo you know Raisin Brand has as much bullshit in it as cinnamon toast crunch lost all respect won't even

look at Raisin brand in the cereal aisle anymore won't even make eye contact with it but that Raisin Brand crunch Different game That Raisin Brand crunch is

That's the hot cousin Mm-hmm Raisin brand looking pretty good Have you seen her cousin? She goes a different school Yeah That's her cut Yeah that's her yeah

Uh-huh I saw them There's a picture of them at a cookout And I asked that's her cousin Raisinbrand crunch is just got that sexy edge to it the clusters in there the sun on the box

the box is popping now your cousin's single Sunday check your wipers day it can't just be my car it can't just be my car that needs new wipers every 13 days I'm like

the only time I use my windshield wipers are when I'm like using the wind like the what is it called the windshield cleaner fluid windshield wiper fluid that's the only time they four times every five weeks what about like when it is like kind of even sprinkling raining and you put your windshield wipers on, like way, way too hard. And your whole car's like swaying back. I'm like, how much power do these things have? Windshield wipers shaking my car one back and forth. I'm always that guy at a red light. My windshield wipers, everybody else's, like very gradual, very calm. I look like the spas.

My windshield wipers about to flip my whole car over. one's always messed up though it's always choppy you know you turn your windshield wipers on for the first time you forget and it's like scares a shit out of you oh my god that one doesn't have a blade

I don't know how to change about one shield wipers 35 all right that's it fam what a ride Amazing voice messages Got the Hall of Fame started Dude, the sock The cop

voice message The Red Sox game You guys painted the picture In the woods That's a beautiful thing right there That's a skill That's a talent and you're part of the fan

Thank you for the voice messages Thanks for listening to the pod Tell the homies We've got to grow this thing We're putting out clips We're putting out vids Putting out picks We're doing shows

We're doing it all Come show your boys some love Um Couldn't do it without you guys for real Coach P. Court of the week don't overly concern yourself with being the best instead commit yourself

to be the best at getting better all right fam I'll see you next week thinking me when you wipe