Espresso - what's your cringiest moment?
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My best friend's husband's like leg like kind of near his private and I like went
I can't even say it out loud. I went to like brush it off. Oh no no. I'm dying. I went to like brush it off. No. But it like kind of like I almost
I almost hit his dick. And best friend literally melts into the floor
and like a hole and die
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I don't know.
I don't know.
Is it a thing?
I don't know.
You have to find out.
But let's get into it espresso quick quick quick question of the week what's your cringiest moment i've told
you mine it's i never forget i'll just be doing something like folding laundry and be like ah it's the cringy
thing i did okay salsa never forget that why that's dude and it was after a full day
like i should have been warmed up at that point.
Saw a girl in a store.
I'll run it back.
I'll run it back.
Saw a girl at the grocery store.
She had a basket,
had tortilla chips in the basket.
I was like,
I've never seen anyone attractive in this grocery store.
You know, the grocery store,
it's just the spot.
There's always somebody at the grocery store and you're like,
even if they're not your type or like that attractive,
you're still kind of like, wow, for being in a grocery store,
you kind of got it going on.
And you're like, why are you alone?
You know, it's just a weird thing.
But she looked good and I went up to her and she looked at me
and I looked at her and i just go okay salsa
that was the best i i had okay salt with this
just do can you imagine the security footage of me in the chips aisle doing this Who is he?
Or the time I was lifting with an older dude who was wearing jeans.
I was at Gold's Gym, Venice Beach, lifting with an older guy.
He was tan.
He looked pretty good, but I was like,
everybody's kind of hot here.
Super sitting with him, saying God knows what to them the whole time
you know how you how you like help somebody i was like spotting them i was like slapping them and
shit dude when i spot somebody on bench i saw this on an under armor commercial a long time
ago and every time they like rack got the weight off of the bar they were like three smacks and a liftoff so every time every time i i am benching
with someone and spotting them i slap them on the ribs like a golden retriever three times and
get the weight off the bar slapping this guy silly when he's on the bench
doing all just i don't know i don't know i don't know what i said i don't i just who cares
we walk away my friends like yo that's rfk
in my first my first response who's that
hey still don't know who that is but uh yeah those are my cringe moments did i have cringe
moments every day and i thought of one the other day and it almost made me throw up.
Can't remember it right now, but I will.
But let's get to yours.
What's yours?
What's your cringiest moment?
There was this one time when I was in grade school
and somebody asked if I like smashing pumpkins.
They obviously meant the musical artist.
And I didn't realize that.
So I said, no, I never did it. And literally as the words were hitting my teeth on the way out,
I realized the error in my ways. And that is the only moment I think about still to this day. And
that was like second grade. The amount of cringe in second grade is just beyond me i can't even
what was i doing
i had an instance like that too i was at like my first party high school party i was probably like
16 i don't know anything about anything i don't know how anyone does at this point in their life
i still don't know anything about anything because how do you have so much information all the time everyone
and these people i mean everybody's trying to drink we're like 17 and i was kind of like
i was so oblivious to the fact that people drank underage i was like you can we can't drink we're
not 21 i was like telling them that i was drink we're not 21 i was like telling them
that i was like we're not what are you talking about you're about to drink i was like bro
we're 17 and they're like yeah duh but like we're still gonna drink and i was like oh this is like
a thing that's when it hit me and they kept talking about like what they're gonna get who
are they gonna like who are they gonna call and like to get it and all this stuff and they're like we're waiting for mccormick's we're waiting for
mccormick's and they just kept saying it and all of a sudden i was just like who's mccormick dude
the way they laughed at me for hours still bring it up remember he said who's mccormick's it's a
it's a brand of vodka mccormick's and but i was just like who's mccormick's it's a it's a brand of vodka
mccormick's and but i was just like who's mccormick andrew mccormick i haven't heard of that kid since
like fifth grade he's coming here is he like the liquor guy yo smashing pumpkins man how good does that feel you ever done that you ever kick a pumpkin when a pumpkin oh sad sad sad sad but when a pumpkin gets like kind of soft
and october's over he's talking about holidays again that's like all he talks about let's spooky
season ashley shut up i love how mean i am to ashley bro she deserves it
whatever your basic basic let's keep going so i have two one would be i was serving a funeral and when the priest was doing incense on the casket uh around i blacked out and
passed out so i needed people to help me into the back while the I was falling asleep on an airplane, fell asleep, had a wild dream and ended up dying in my dream.
So I woke up kind of like screaming or like making a sound like, ah, and everyone on the plane just turned around and stared at me.
But those are my two ones passing out at a funeral and then screaming on an airplane,
having fallen asleep and having a crazy dream.
I love you, bro.
Man, just so relatable.
How come I never knew?
Like church was always so like not even cringe moment of the week.
It was so just like awkward for me.
Was I not?
I know I don't pay attention to a lot of shit,
but I didn't know every time we did anything in church growing up,
I went to Catholic school.
Everybody goes to a Catholic school growing up.
I think,
but we always did shit in the church.
Like we always did like,
Oh,
it's reconciliation.
Oh,
we're doing this. We're doing this activity in the church. We always did like, oh, it's reconciliation. Oh, we're doing this.
We're doing this activity in the church.
We're going to the church for...
And we were always doing something in the church,
and I never knew where to go.
You know what I mean?
I was like, how does everybody know to go up to the altar,
genuflect, turn around, go down that aisle, to go back?
I was like, how do you know where to go
when we were doing all that stuff?
Oh, for reconciliation, you have to
go to the priest. You have to go through this door,
go down there, talk to them,
and then come out. I was like, I don't know.
I don't know the church front to
back. I didn't build
this church. I was like, where are you guys going?
We go in there and we say, what?
How do you guys know all this stuff?
Because they listened.
Because they listened to the directions.
I don't think so.
I don't think they did.
Because why was everyone talking to me during that portion?
All right, yeah, you fainted in church.
I got real lightheaded one time in church just like that.
Dude, I've had so many church cringe moments.
And they like saw me get lightheaded and they're like, hey, you come with us.
And like two old lady nurses that we had like got me like like I was getting carried off of a football field with a broken leg.
Carried me to the office.
Dude, there was like a line of 30 kids in there with white
lips and green faces. How come everybody's just dropping like flies in church? Because you're
just standing there. No one's eating a thing all day except for one Austin cracker before school.
And it's the most boring thing you've ever done in your life is that why we
all faint in church literally 30 kids in like the nurse part of the church just like just like
sipping water and like eating carrots i was like what what what and i was one of them i was like
ew one time i dropped the communion you ever do do that in church? Straight up dropped it.
No one's ever dropped it before. Of course, I'm the first guy to do it.
In front of all like the class, you know, the class, it's like the good class.
I was never in the good class. Fourth grade, we got three fourth grade classes at my school.
Not to brag or anything no just kidding but like
there's always the one of the three classes that's like stacked you know they have the hot girls they
have like that your friends that you should be in that class but you know they're like let's put him
in the other class it's too many i was like that's a hot dropped communion in front of the hot class that was sitting there.
Oh, you're going to hell.
How am I supposed to know protocol for that?
I picked it up off the ground and ate it and sat back in my seat.
Listen, when you drop the communion, my teacher after church, when you drop the communion. You give it back to the communion. My teacher after church. When you drop the communion,
you give it back to the priest.
He blesses your soul
and gives you a new communion.
And then
you take that
to the sign of the cross.
Pay
respect
and go back to your seat
okay
how
would I know okay so I'm just going to hell now
how come I'm
dude and I was dropping everything that whole day
I should have seen it coming
dropped a stapler
earlier that day it was so loud I was like damn my bad one hour later
fumble fumble lena in the eucharist probably hit it a couple times on the way down probably tried
to kick it i had a wild dream on the plane too. Bro was talking about dreams on planes, waking up,
screaming,
everybody looking at him.
I die on planes.
I am not a functioning human being on planes.
And if you try to talk to me,
I'm so out.
I'll look at you like the meanest bitch you've ever seen in your life.
Regina George ass face.
When girls really don't want you to talk to them.
Or like when you see a situation where like a homeless person's talking to a girl and she's like
giving them that look that's like, shut up.
Like Ashley, like whatever Ashley looks like, my producer, fake producer, my producer.
Did you just call me fake?
Like, however you picture her,
that's the face I make
to people who try to talk to me on planes.
I fell asleep on the plane.
It happened.
Hey, it happened.
Had a sex dream.
It wasn't that.
It wasn't good, though.
It was just like, wow, what?
Here?
Huh? Right now? though it was just like wow what here huh right now like that's how out i am on a plane of all places
i wake up and i'm like wow
the timing look to my left just a huge black dude sitting there i'm like that's so weird what did i
say i just wanted to ask hey what did i i'm sorry what did i say did i say anything that was i like
being creepy was i being a perv did i say something about chili because like something
happened in my dream and like there was chili before and I was like, did I do everything, dude?
Let's keep going.
Okay.
So I live in Costa Rica.
This is a third world country.
And when I was about 15, I took a bus.
The bus was pretty full of people.
There were people sitting down and
standing. I was standing. And then the bus driver just stopped really fast. And I almost fell down.
But I managed to get a hold of a guy's arm. And I looked at him and I was like, wow, this is so hot. But the guy gave me a really weird look.
And he went like, oh, get off my arm.
And I felt really cringe about it.
And I'll always remember.
I think the guy was gay because this was like the perfect opportunity to actually hook up with me.
And he missed it.
But good story.
Kind of embarrassing, though. V. Not bad. Girls can good story kind of embarrassing though the not bad girls can pull
that kind of shit off guys though you ever grab somebody or tap somebody that you think is like
your dad or mom bro that is so weird or talk to somebody you think is someone completely different
hey um do you think oh my god you're not even the person
i was trying to talk to uh if a girl yeah you're right he had to be gay if a girl randomly grabbed
my arm and was like semi-attractive i'd be like oh my god hi that's crazy yeah oh my god it's so weird actually something cringe kind of like that well not at all happened to me today i walked
into starbucks got some got this joint mobile he's a mobile guy mobile guy
right when i walk into starbucks this lady hey do you want to try our new uh blonde or veranda or whatever uh wrote i was like
i'm good and i kind of said it and i was like damn was i like rude
and then thankfully this this doordash dude came in right after me and just shoved his phone in
this girl's face so it kind of like overshadowed what i did but i was like damn so rude so rude so cringe
and then i talked to her for like five minutes on my way out because i felt so bad
tried the coffee i was like this is really good
such a bitch when i think people are mad at me let's keep going
okay i feel like i've never even said this out loud before but i can't wait i still think about
it to this day like so cringe so i don't know like five six years ago we were having a halloween
party slash like housewarming party we had just gotten a new house my husband and I and we were having all of our friends over
um it was like around Halloween time my best friend and her husband ring the doorbell I open
the door and we have a dog and my dog like jumps up on my best friend's husband and I guess my dog
had just been outside so maybe her paws were like a little dirty oh god and this is
like my bad on my part but like everyone loves my dog like it's not a big thing oh and she heard me
here she comes right now um and like I was like okay Mabel like get down and then I see that she
left like a little like it wasn't even really that noticeable but like it was like a little like dirty paw print like on the guy my best
friend husband's like leg like kind of near his dick privates and i like went i can't even say it
out loud so i went to like oh no no i'm dying i went to like brush it off no but it like kind of like i almost
i almost hit his dick and my best friend and her husband just like looked at each other
and i just like literally melt into the floor in like a hole and die it was so fucking cringe and horrendous like
he was wearing he he was dressed up um as a new york yankee for halloween so he oh my god he was
in costume uniform so you could see like a little bit of dirt i can't wear i'm hot up so i was just
really innocently like trying to like brush it off so like you know like he
didn't have dirt like near his crotch but kill me now okay horrendous i i honestly you know what
kind of feel a little bit better that i like got that off my chest because literally have never
said it out loud before and every once in a while like it'll just creep back in my head and i'll just fucking cringe so so hard and you know what
i feel like i just went to confession just kill me now for real
just trying to be all polite and help whoops hey i, I touched your husband's dick. And you know what?
He's dressed as a Yankees player.
It couldn't have gotten any worse.
Yeah, I touched my friend's husband's dick as he was dressed as Derek Jeter.
Happy Halloween.
It's so
so it's
you know when you accidentally like touch
somebody's boob.
Somebody's dick.
And you play it off like
they didn't feel it.
Most sensitive part of their body
and you're going to pretend like
I've brushed so
many boobs and i'm like i'm not gonna look at that person they 100 were like he just 100 touched my
tit he just felt me up in a bath and body works
trying to clean it
somebody's ass you just feel their whole ass you're like whoa
oh sorry that we're in love now yeah how come you kind of have to be in love with them after that
you're like well we've made it this far.
We're in.
We're at second base.
Chili's later.
What's up, ma?
Triple dipper.
It's already triple dipped your whole entire ass in my hand.
So funny.
How come every it's always a dog.
Dogs always make everything so cringe.
Every time I'm anywhere four
dogs run up right to my ass i'm like okay could this be any more embarrassing first time you go
first time you go to your your a girl's house you're in high school first time you go to a
girl's house their family dog runs right pinpoint right to your cock you're like all right well can't you know what uh what like damn you
gotta like bend over and like you i literally have to get in a catcher squat so it's like eye
level with my face so i just take the bullet and the dog just licks my mouth i'm like well better
than my whole ass dog's just calling you out immediately
I'm like I swear I took a shower for like
48 minutes before I came over here
your dog comes right to my butt
hey oh my god
your house is so nice dog to my ass
four dogs right
but all their noses in my ass
cool
what a way to welcome somebody and welcome to our house
you're here to see my daughter we cleaned everything up she's all ready to go put on makeup
um you guys are 17 so it's really awkward. We have a whole date night planned.
And yeah, our four golden terriers are now sniffing your ass.
Right when you walk in the door.
Right when you walk in the door.
Four dogs.
Hey!
Four dogs to my butt.
Hey!
Four dogs to my pee-pee.
So funny. Okay, I can't help myself because i just thought of another one so you pick whatever one that you think is worse um but i was working in
an office and we used this like instant messenger thing called like link to communicate um with each other like about projects and stuff
in corporate america and um i worked with my best friend at the time so we used to fucking chat
oh messenger thing about all the other losers in our office so like we would just talk shit
on instant messenger about like other people can't wait like obviously
also use instant messenger to talk to other people like business-wise so like i had an assistant
and she would like ask me like hey you know what do you want me to do with whatever it is right
so you could see where this is going um my assistant's name was barbara and he used to call her barb and she was really fucking
annoying so you know obviously i was like in the midst of talking shit with my best friend on one
instant messenger and i accidentally sent barb is so fucking annoying oh to barb on her instant messenger and she sat i don't know
like a hundred yards away from me maybe not even what happened what happened what happened
in the same office and um yeah that was pretty fucking cringe did you see it can you delete it did you make a joke about it after barb is so fucking
annoying that's what uh my that's what i just heard someone say i've done it before too
one time me two of my friends were just like at uh my friend's house he had like an open house this girl came over
uh i have no idea why just like on some friend friend what's up oh hey stopping by cool uh all
right yeah i'm just gonna hang for a little bit then like go back home she was there for like
dude she was just it was just so she was so overbearing and like the boys wanted to do
but like me and my friends want to do like guy shit you know just like nothing really not we
didn't have anything in mind but like guys just just don't want to we just wanted to like play
video games and like listen to music and stuff like nothing we wanted to do guy stuff like that
but we felt like we couldn't because there's a girl there and we're like catering you know just
like listen listening to her story just like we just didn't want like we're this must be like a guy's night
bro and then she just she just kept saying that she was gonna leave kept saying she's gonna leave
kept saying we're like okay yeah yeah and we're kind of looking at each other like
like we don't want to be rude but like goddamn and i texted my friend i was like yo when is caitlin gonna leave sent it right to caitlin
she looked at it in real time i'm in the room she oh my god
me playing it off as a joke, right? Caught.
Red-handed.
Whatever.
Whatever.
Whatever.
So dumb.
Every time I'm talking shit about anyone,
constantly checking my phone to see if I'm accidentally calling them.
Never called them in my life. I'm like, I'm accidentally calling them. Never called them in my life.
And I'm like, I'm probably calling them right now.
Right now.
I was always scared to talk on those work chats.
So I'm like, they can see this.
They're monitoring my computer 25-7.
And when they hired me, they also hired someone else
to just watch what I'm doing the whole day.
Why do I think that every time I'm doing anything?
Never even dreamt of taking part in the group message at work.
Great voice messages.
Okay, so I have two to share um the first one is one time me and my sisters
were eating at a chinese restaurant and we were waiting to be seated and this asian man like
starts to approach us and i was like hey i'd like a table for three please and he just looked at me
and i just looked at him and i was like what is he doing and he just kept at me and I just looked at him and I was like, what is he doing? And he just kept
on walking. And then he left the restaurant because apparently he didn't work there. I felt so bad.
Oh, but the other time I mean, what do you do when I was in high school? It was like my senior year
and we were at this party and I didn't know my little brother was there. He was a freshman at
the time. I didn't know he was there, but me and my friend were like oh wow it would
be so cool you know to like flash some people so there was this group of guys and they were like
yeah flash us flash us you know and i didn't know that my brother was standing by the group of guys
i mean my friend so we did and my brother saw my boobs. So, yeah, that was really embarrassing. And I was like, oh, no.
And all of his friends were like, oh, we saw your sister's boobs.
So, yeah, I never lived that down.
Poor dude.
What a way to welcome your little bro to high school.
Hey, here's my tits.
At a party.
I can't.
I can't.
Being accidentally racist.
Like, hey, you don't mean to,
but like sometimes it just,
sometimes it just happens.
Sometimes it just,
what do you want me to do? I swear i'm not racist i'm just being like i'm just calling it like i see it here and i
confused you for somebody that works here because you look the same not racist just just hungry whenever you see a family members like like naked so like i can't even look i can't even
talk to you anymore there's never a follow-up for me if i've ever seen one of my family members
like kind of naked or like god it was always weird every time i was naked
and like somebody walked in on me and my family they would never
immediately leave i'd be like oh there's always like standing there for a second i was like yo
if i walk in on you i'm gone i'm deleting everything from my brain
i'm naked in the shower like kind of like out of the shower. Someone walks in the bathroom
and they're kind of like still doing
what they need to do.
And then,
and then he's like,
oh my God.
And then they turn the light off
on the way out.
Jesus Christ.
And now I'm naked.
You saw my whole ass
and I can't see anything.
Every time.
I met a DJ
and I, he's like introduced himself to me and told me his
name and i said nice set and then i watched his set after i said that i was very embarrassed and
i told him sorry i thought you were someone else um i don't know dj names and i've been
embarrassed about it since i have why is that so relatable oh i thought you're somebody else
hey didn't listen to a thing you did
somebody tells you nice good job tonight hey good job tonight
at a comedy club you did good tonight man thanks uh i didn't even go up
man that hurts
hey good recovery though i thought you were somebody else.
Never mind.
God, that hurts so bad.
The amount of times I've done that.
Good job, bro.
Actually, I didn't.
I'm not even.
I don't even do that.
I'm not even in this profession anymore.
So rude. People that accept it, i'm like thank you oh my god
hey benny um personally i feel like my life is just one big cringe everything at a time Um, but one scenario that came to mind right away was when I was in my early twenties,
I had to travel into the city for work like once a month. And there was one morning
I was on the train and there was this guy sitting next to me and the train was pulling into the station and he went to stand up but i guess he dropped
something because he bent over at the same time that i went to go stand up and somehow i ended
up slapping his ass i know he then turned around and i was like oh my gosh i'm so sorry that was
a total accident and he responded by saying, it's okay.
I didn't mind.
Hey, quick, quick, bro.
I guess that made me cringe more.
Bro's kind of nice.
Than me doing something cringey.
But still, definitely a cringe moment.
Anyway, I'm going to go be mortified for the rest of the day because now I'm going to be thinking about it.
But love you.
Bye.
Love you more.
I've never heard an I love you to be thinking about it. But love you. Bye. Love you more. Never.
I've never heard an I love you like that in my life.
Not even from my parents.
I have one kind of like that.
Okay.
You know, man, cringe moment of the week.
You know how dudes are white guys, especially are just kind of gay. You know what I mean? especially are just kind of gay you know i mean
we're just kind of gay especially like in high school everybody's just you know it's just like a
it's like a thing guys do because we don't know what to do we're just gay like you're kind of gay
all right it's funny you know just do gay stuff how many times can you say gay we're in the foot we're in a football locker room
high school football team football high school football locker room maybe the gayest place of
all time we all smack and grab each other's ass just because i don't know i think i kind of think
every white high school football team does this. We're always doing stuff like that.
My homie's next to me.
I'm always smacking and grabbing his ass.
This is the straightest thing I've ever said in my life.
He's wearing compression shorts.
I'm like, this is going to be a good one.
I'm going to smack and cup and grab a handful.
Somebody starts talking to me.
I smack and cup and grab a handful while talking to somebody else. Cause it's just routine at this point.
I'm comfortable.
He goes,
yo Ben.
I was like,
still talking to the other person.
Yo Ben.
I look back at him
he has no compression shorts on
just cupped
the homie's ass hey if you're not cupping your homie's butt what are you doing he's not he's
not your real friend hey cup your homie Hey, cup your homie's butts.
Cup your homie's butts.
If you're really friends,
cup his butt.
All right, cool.
Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.
Oh, yeah.
All right, he's in your wedding.
But have you cupped his butt?
Oh, he's your best man.
That's what's up.
Yeah, you guys.
You guys have been friends forever for sure.
But have you cupped his butt?
The under cheek and the grab and the squeeze squeeze?
Have you cupped him?
Think about that.
Think of your best friend right now in your head.
Think of your best friend.
That's my boy. that's my dog even if you're a girl that's my girl that's my hey girl
girl she's like my bestie for reals
i've become if you haven't maybe you should reconsider your best friend.
I want to know.
I want to know your name,
your name,
your name.
Yeah.
I gotta know.
Oh,
this thing's on.
Kick it,
kick it.
Cringe moment of my entire existence.
I love this girl, by the way um so
22 year old me fresh out of college decided to become an eighth grade teacher biggest mistake
of my life neither here nor there um day one they don't know me i don't know them i do this skittle
icebreaker thing i have this idea i'm like oh this will be fun they'll like love me because
i'll give them skittles yeah and i'll learn about them so i'm walking around i'm like
two hands out and i'm dumping like a whole bunch of skittles cool teacher move and then they're
like separating them by color and then the activity was like for every yellow name you know
something you did over the summer for every green. Tell me your favorite sports.
I hated that.
I just said sports athlete.
Can you tell I'm not into sports for every orange name,
your favorite movie.
You get the idea,
right?
So I'm walking around.
I'm like two hands,
please.
Pouring the Skittles.
Next student,
two hands,
please.
Pouring the Skittles.
Next student,
two hands,
please.
And this next part will continue to haunt me for the rest of my existence kid puts out one hand and i'm like oh sorry two hands like we don't want skittles to
fall everywhere right trying to be nice he continues to like look at me and i'm like two
hands please oh no continues to look at me finally Finally, I thought it was like the third or fourth time I said, two hands, please.
He takes his other hand out, which isn't a hand at all.
It's a nub.
He doesn't have another hand.
He was born without another hand.
Oh, my God.
Just set that skill right on his wrist.
This will haunt me forever.
I was like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry I didn't know.
The whole class is
looking i probably made like i can't imagine how embarrassed this kid was and they all knew him
because they're in the eighth grade and like they've been together now since sixth grade and
i look like the asshole teacher who doesn't know this kid only has one hand and i'm out here like
it's like silent in the class i'm like two hands please for the eighth fucking time kid has a nub so uh yeah I want to basically
jump off a ridge every time I think about that moment and he he definitely got like straight
A pluses for the entire year because I couldn't live it down I still want to god so teachers really do that. I want to know, I want to know your name, your name, your name.
Well, you're going to be anonymous.
Everybody went to school with somebody that didn't have a hand.
Old Nubby McPatterson, third grade.
They kind of rocked it, though.
I'm not going to lie.
They did.
Girl with three fingers.
I grew up kind of hot.
Just the table washer for the week, three fingers.
My big homie friend was like, you have three fingers.
Isn't it crazy that you can just say anything when you're that age?
Man, how did the whole class in eighth grade not laugh?
Why didn't homie say something to you like, hey, shorty,
I know you're the new teach, but I'm a pirate.
You're like being mean.
Dude, people with nub fingers and stuff they they they it's all good it's all good bro i got one lazy eye like let's just it is what it is
but the teachers really like pad the stats in the grade book. Always wondered that.
Always wondered that.
Like how did that like science fair project dude bombs gross poster board
gets a B.
I'm like,
shut the like,
do you know his home situation or something?
That's a good icebreaker though.
I always hated that.
I,
the first day of school,
what'd you do all summer? Just hung out. Hey, hung out with friends. If I hear that,
if I have to hear that, why was it all the way through college? It was just hung out with
friends was the number one answer. I'm like one. No, you didn't. You're a loser hung out with friends name a summer where you hung out with friends
every summer of my life didn't see one person
right didn't do a damn thing with anybody oh i didn't hang out with one person that's why the
first day of school was so awkward for me i'm like like, damn, I haven't seen you in like 65 days,
homie,
maybe like 82.
We had this one thing,
Catholic school,
Catholic school,
weird thing.
We did Catholic school.
Weirdo.
Teachers were just scraping the barrel,
especially religion.
Teachers were scraping the barrel for ideas because of this one
did you have to have like a license to teach religion in school i feel like religion's a
totally different thing or do they just tack it on to you they're like oh you uh you went to college
and studied history so you'll be the social studies teacher, obviously.
Can you do a little religion, too?
You got that in your bag.
Can you...
You familiar with the Bible?
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and...
JJ?
Jizzle?
Matthew, Mark, Luke, and Jeezy?
Could you spit some verses if we needed you to?
I think, do they do that for religion teachers?
Or do you have to be like in the seminary or something?
We had one religion teacher and I was like,
I don't really know.
I don't even think you're Catholic.
I think you're just like, you're just like you're the science teacher
but also religion which is actually kind of weird bro she came up with this segment
and we had to wash each other's feet in school 12 12
12 we're gonna wash each other's feet like they did in the bible 12. 12.
We're going to wash each other's feet like they did in the Bible.
And.
Like the day we had to take our shoes and socks off.
There was one person sitting in a chair.
You know, like you bought like your mom, that foot massage thing with the warm water in it. When from like Bed Bath and Beyond, when you're a kid, it was one of those plugged in the wall.
Warm water, a washcloth just on just dangling on the side of it set up in the classroom.
I was I was dreading this day for like weeks because i kind
of thought it was a joke and like my feet aren't yeah my feet have always looked like a soft pretzel
rotisserie chicken pretzels that's what my feet look like they've always looked like that
and i was like i gotta take my like my feet are probably gonna smell like my toenail like what
like i'm like i hope my partner is my best friend so i can just wash his feet and we can kind of
laugh it off and i'll sit back down but why was i dead last to do it and why was i with the most
awkward girl that i kind of had a crush on every time and i like didn't watch anyone do it before
me so i was like how do i wash your feet so weird her just her just feet with the piggies out
Her just, her just feet with the piggies out.
We're 12 and I'm just taking a washcloth and like wiping the top of her feet,
looking at her like, is this what she wants us to do?
Like, I'll never forget that.
And the thing we're, we're not even in the church church we're just in the sixth grade classroom dead quiet okay good job what that's got to be some type of like that's some
that's a weird that's weird is that not weird you could never do that today right
everybody take off your shoes so i have one of the like electric
razor scooters that people rent and ride downtown or whatever well i have one and i like to ride it
around my neighborhood by myself like a creep all the time not bad though and i thought it was funny
so i put like a little basket on the front.
Like, it has a license plate that says born to ride on it.
And I almost always wear my little dare fanny pack that's neon from looking like it's from the 90s.
Anyway, I look like a weirdo because I'm 36 years old riding a scooter with a basket on it by myself. Kind of a vibe.
Kind of a vibe.
So one day I'm riding through the neighborhood
and I see this mom and her two little girls outside
and they're dancing and laughing and having a good time
and it's precious.
But I don't want to talk to them.
So, you know.
Thank you.
The introvert that I am, I just scoot on by.
I smile, whatever.
I'm thinking, you know, they probably do think I'm weird,
but I'm non-threatening.
So I keep writing and then I have to turn around and go home.
And I know I'm going to have to pass this family again.
And like only a couple of minutes have passed at this point.
So I know it's going to be weird.
And I'm definitely way overthinking the interaction that I know I'm going to have.
But I'm like freaking out.
Like, what do I say?
I hate that.
Like, I don't want to seem weirder because I'm going by again, but I have to.
So the only thing that actually came out of my mouth was looking good.
And, you know, in my head, I'm saying like, oh, your dance is looking good.
Like, whatever.
The mom did not at all take it that way.
Oh, my God.
I'm terrified.
And I play this over and over and over again in my head.
And, you know, I still ride my scooter because, well, I just do.
But I'm thinking I've never seen these people outside since.
And I wondered, did this mom tell her children, like, if they ever see the creepy lady riding on a scooter by herself to run inside?
And, you know, fair.
Creepy scooter girl.
You know, those kids have nightmares of you.
Oh, my God.
Creepy.
Looking good.
God, dude.
It's just a can't.
You can't win. You can't win when there's kids anywhere it's just
so i don't even look at kids nope oh your kids right there not even nope i just don't even just
stop it shut up and then there's the people that are like have you seen my kid and shows you a
bunch of pictures of their kid i'm like i don'm like, I don't give a shit about your kid.
People
that want you to like their
kids so much are
so weird to me.
Like moms
and dads really
that like make a point to come up and talk to you and show you pictures of their kids that they have on them handy in their wallets.
Oh, my God. Yeah. And this is my son. His name's Andrew. Yeah. Isn't he like such such a cute he's just the cutest little kid i'm like
listen i don't know how to tell you this
i don't give a shit about your kid ever
it is so forced upon i'm like why are you are you... Why? Why are you showing me him?
Did you kill him?
Are you making up for abusing him or something?
Why are you talking to me about your kid?
I don't know.
I might be weird with that,
but I'm like, shut up.
Shut up about your kid.
Like pulling up Instagram to show... don't care why would i care
am i rude did i ask
so weird what did i do the other day i said it is really wild when you got to say something
out loud quick you got to be quick on your feet say something out loud quick. You got to be quick on your feet.
Say something out loud in the situations.
Awkward.
Like I was doing that name,
name the college game where I yell out an NFL player and people like
downtown,
wherever I am will like yell the college they went to back to me.
I posted on Instagram,
just saying like,
share, share,
review,
subscribe.
Give me 19 stars.
I was doing that downtown.
I had a megaphone and I saw somebody I knew and she was like my sister's age,
like kind of like grew up like knowing her.
She's like,
Oh my God.
Hey.
And I was like,
yo,
Brittany.
And she's like,
I look a little different now. And I had a megaphone and I was like, yo, Brittany. And she's like, I look a little different now.
And I had a megaphone and I was like, God, I have to say something like nice.
And I just go, not really.
Right to her face in front of her friends.
I look a little different now not really
like god can i just run it back it was it was eating me alive the whole night
and i looked away because i was like god she's gonna she's not gonna like that one i could have
said i didn't i didn't really want to say, like, haven't aged a bit.
You know when you say haven't aged a bit to somebody?
Doesn't that sound a little sarcastic?
I look a little different now than when she's referencing
when I last saw her, when she was probably like...
When she was 14 and I was 8?
Not really. Weird. Can I say... 14 and I was 8 not really
weird why can I say
I'm sorry
almost DM'd her
hey uh
made it even worse
internet's so slow
internet's so slow so my cringe i was hooking up with this guy on and
off for a year and a half and we and we had an understanding no sleepovers 48 hour notice
he decided to go against both of those things this particular night at like 1 30 in the morning crazy which cool bet whatever so
he saves the night at 6 a.m i startle myself out of sleep and when i wake up he's laughing and i
was like what's so funny and he literally said i was not expecting to hear that sound. I farted. I farted so loud that not only did it
startle me out of my deep sleep, it woke this man up. This man was snoring. Like we're talking about
like how your dad snores on a recliner, like snoring. And it woke this man up out of his seat i had just eaten brownies
homemade brownies 15 minutes before he got there when i eat chocolate my farts sounds like a
fucking diesel truck like there are horns it was yeah i i didn't talk to that man for four and a
half months yeah no thank you No, thank you. No.
No, thank you.
Hey, you got to kill him.
Sorry.
Only way.
Hey, you don't leave this house alive.
Sorry.
Got to kill you now.
Why'd she murder him?
She farted.
He heard it.
Got it. She killed him.
I'd be like, you know what?
If I was the judge, makes sense.
God dang, dude.
There's nothing worse than that.
There's nothing.
You ever forget that you're sleeping next to someone?
Maybe it's some random, like, I don't know what.
I guess I'll spend the night.
And you spend the night next to somebody.
And you just, you act like you normally.
I think I'm too single.
and you just, you act like you normally.
I think I'm too single.
Because I'll wake up and scream and fart and... I don't know, long division.
Meow.
Oh, I'm at somebody's house.
Dude, I've woken myself up snoring in somebody else's bed
so many times.
I was looking at him.
I was like, was I just in there?
Yeah.
Can I kill you yeah can I kill you
can I kill you please
when somebody tells
you you fart in your sleep when you
wake up you're like
I'm already mad that I'm
waking up and now you're the first
thing I hear first thing
God hey
one time I slept next to my dad just lit it up all night going crazy on
him you ever just go crazy you know when you're a kid you just farts are just like, what?
Insanity.
Every four seconds.
I sleep next to my dad just going bananas.
He woke me up in the morning. These exact words, I'll never forget it.
Cringe moment of the week.
AB, you were letting them vigorously last night.
Letting them.
Vigorously?
vigorously you know how powerful your ass has to be to be called vigorous and in my head i was like it kind of sounds like poisonous but i remembered i was like oh
he's sleeping he's not hearing this just blasting off on his leg a cringe moment too one time i was a kid and
like these neighbors would like babysit us my mom was like friends with this other mom that was like
across the neighborhood they'd go out this lady's dad would like babysit us we'd be at their house
just doing whatever yeah yeah yeah normal kid shit
watching tv okay i fall asleep probably at like 7 p.m my mom comes to get us at like 9 p.m i'm
dead asleep and when i'm sleeping in public like and i'm that size when i'm like i don't know like
seven eight eight you're carrying me to the car i'm not waking up going in the day you're carrying me
old dude old lady's husband who was watching us all night picked me up everybody's in the like
hey nice to see you we're going my whole my mom i said everybody's got getting all babysat and
stuff like that we're all leaving getting in the car the guys guys carrying me to the car guy i don't know carrying me the car me all over his ribs god man
i'm sorry and just to add i thought i had my stomach under control because i'm self-aware of what my body does and i didn't like
i i gave myself the pep talk i took like some pep do bismol at like 4 a.m just to make sure we were
good my body disrespected me override system i know exactly what you mean i can't like
there's a point in the night where if we're
supposed to hang out or something and it doesn't happen like it doesn't happen by a certain time
i'm like i can't do it like there's no it's after like a like a certain point because at
that's that's sort of kind of why i don't ever hang out with anybody or go anywhere past a certain time because i'm like
yo at this time of the night i'm eating everything in sight and i can't do anything after that
oh my god like and how do i tell them to oh my god you don't want to hang out anymore uh yeah
i just ate seven eggs and a whole pound of ground turkey i don't know what to tell you
like it's not happening you ever hang out dude i gotta be in like tip-top shape to
hang out with somebody i want to be on my game i don't know yeah let's hang out i'm full and i feel
sleepy i'm gonna blast off on your couch i can't dude i can't no matter what it is and who it is
i can't no i'm done i'm in for the night i eat one thing that's a little we don't know
in for the night i'm gonna preface this this may not seem something that's super cringy
and it may seem kind of minor but it made me cringe and i got super embarrassed so that's super cringy and it may seem kind of minor but it made me cringe
and i got super embarrassed so that's what matters and also oh god this has happened to
like everybody at least once in their life so if you say that you didn't get super embarrassed
and cringe when any when something like this happened you're lying. Anyways. Um, so recently for this past weekend, I went to
go get my hand done and I had gotten a Starbucks coffee to take with me. Cause usually I'm there
for a couple of hours. Um, so I literally had taken like three sips of it. And I picked it up to take a fourth sip and it spilled everywhere.
And I was so embarrassed.
Everyone else in the salon was literally like staring at me.
My hairdresser and the owner of the salon were super nice.
My hairdresser immediately went to go get
towels and I was like helping like there you know clean up the huge mess and it was like it was
literally a venti and I had only taken like three sips of it so it went everywhere and I got so
embarrassed and everybody else was staring at me and giving me the side eye and everybody was completely quiet.
And I was like, I was I literally wanted to like shrink away.
I don't know why it's super embarrassing. I know it was an accident, but I got I started looking at myself.
And even the owner was like, oh, my brother-in-law is at Dunkin'.
He can get you a coffee.
And I was like, no, no, I'm okay.
I'm okay.
Because I was so embarrassed.
God, spilling.
Yeah.
I mean, it's pretty bad.
It's pretty bad.
But I'm always so eager to help somebody that completely messes everything up.
I'm like, yo, I would so do that too.
Like if somebody like dropped a tray of food at work when I worked at a restaurant, I'd
be like, dude, thank God you dropped it because I'm going to drop my I'm going to drop mine
in four seconds.
I never did.
Now I think about it.
I worked at a restaurant,
never dropped a tray of food.
How?
I know I didn't like do it right.
I know I wasn't carrying it right.
It's because you're strong.
No,
but I'm like,
I,
I had no,
like there's like 80 pound girls.
I can,
that can deliver like a whole like 40,
maybe like 45 pound tray of food to a table.
It's just all technique.
And I know I was doing it wrong.
You got to open doors.
Dude, being a server in a restaurant is the hardest thing of all time.
Yeah, but when you spill something, it is kind of like hey
dumb ass alert dumb ass alert right here everybody's watching you clean it up how
come when i spill something in a public place i feel like i need to like apply for a job there
get a job there clean it up apologize to everyone give everyone ten dollars and then quit the job
feel you girly feel you a couple more okay so my cringe moment is
i used to live next to this really fancy town that had this amazing grocery store
metropolitan market i mean they have like the best produce uh charcuterie is off the charts
it's just so fancy and so i would go there sometimes to shop um because i'm a chef not
not because i have the money but one time i was like walking out of the store and i was like put
my change away and there's this person and they're like super dirty looking and like just a hot mess.
And I'm like, why is this guy in this town?
Like he's out of place.
But there's so many homeless people like in Washington.
So I was like, for sure he's homeless and he's watching me put my change away.
So I couldn't say, I have no change.
Oh, God.
So before he even asked me for the money or asked if I have money,
I just say, here you go, man.
And he's like, what's this for?
Like, this bro wasn't even homeless.
And I snap judged him so hard thinking
he was about to ask me for money and he wasn't even homeless. He was just probably doing some
landscaping in his yard and had to run to the store real quick. I legit thought the guy was
homeless. And he was like, what's this for? I was like was like i don't know you just keep it and then i left
it was so embarrassing the way i've i would have sprinted away full speed
or you gotta turn that into a joke i think it's kind of on him i hate to give you the benefit
of the doubt there but it's kind Dude, if you're looking that homeless
and walking up to people like
hey, you just are
now. You're homeless now.
Cringe moment of the week when I
pretended to be homeless so I could get
food stamps the first time I lived in LA.
Looked a little rough kind of made me sick after the fact but uh
still looked like the whitest like suburb kid ever all right so i like to drink when i watch movies especially movie theaters and i didn't want to pay however much it was for a beer, probably like $12 in a movie theater. So I loaded up my, like, it was like a black Yeti and I loaded it up with beer and I biked
there.
First of all, I don't know why the hell I biked, but I did.
I think that pressure is really what screwed me.
But anyway, I walk into the theater, I scan my ticket or whatever.
It's all good.
As soon as I walk past the person, the pressure built up in the bottle and the lid came off
and it just fell to the ground.
And the 32 ounces of beer literally spilled all over the floor.
And it was literally the worst thing that's I think ever happened to me at a movie theater
and most public places actually.
And the person just stared at the spill.
I felt so fucking bad, but person just stared at the spill I felt so fucking bad
but they just looked at the spill
and then I looked
at the spill I didn't even want to make eye contact
it was
it sucked and I said sorry like five times
and I tipped him after
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry
I think I would do it again I need to drink when I watch movies.
I might be an alcoholic.
Oh.
Good idea in theory.
Bro, it's always spilling something.
Yeah, spilling something in a public place.
Spilling something in a restaurant.
Spilling something at school.
And everybody claps just such a just just i always feel so bad for him dude i will i would have helped you
in that situation i would have drank the beer off the ground i just feel when people when people do stupid shit i'm just like yo i am i am one i am
you i am so stupid too i'm actually relieved i'm like oh thank god let me help you dude
and then i want to like talk to him while we're cleaning it up like i just did this last week
i don't know why i i could never be the guy to laugh at somebody that does something still
that's that's my whole life right there guy snuck in beer it blasted all over the ground
welcome to the club bro you're now my best friend i don't want to hang out with people
that don't do shit like that people that go down do you know it's a you know when you try to like steal like ramekins and like
utensils and bowls from restaurants you like put it in like dude one time dude i was on this whole
i was on a killing spree at restaurants and i would get a to-go box with like four fries in
there and just take all the bowls and like little like ketchup like things that you put ketchup in and i just had like like
because you know they're just they're just they have so many of those and i was just taking them
uh to-go box breaks on the way out no food falls on the ground just all their plates and dishes and
stuff i stole right in front of like the owner the host right there in the front
pick it up run off
never went back so stupid
cringiest moments
in your life
thank you guys
thank you so much man
I look forward to this every
single week
you guys put your hearts
and souls in those voice messages.
You don't know how much it means.
I love you guys
for real. Let's keep going.
Dear Diary,
Hey,
who's buying this?
Cook some bacon.
I guess it was so burnt.
Yes.
How do you know?
How do you not know that's burnt?
I,
it didn't seem like it.
Honestly,
I've never cooked bacon in my life.
I've kind of never like had,
I haven't had that much.
I've obviously had bacon before,
but I've never cooked it.
And I haven't had it in like seven years.
That's a lot.
Probably like four, maybe three weeks.
But I like it crispy.
I don't think that it was that out of line.
I don't know.
I was just reading through the comments.
Every single, but dude, you burnt the foot.
Dude, you straight cremated that bacon.
If you haven't watched it, the who's buying this, I just put out the other day.
Babies never cooked bacon before.
Babies kind of never cooked.
And I do burn stuff.
I like stuff burnt.
Hot dogs, eggs.
Like, I promise on everything, I've eaten bacon like that 75% of the time.
That's just how bacon is.
And it tasted good.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm crazy.
Maybe I'm crazy.
But any less cooked than that,
I would have been like,
is this even done?
He's insane.
He's insane.
He's insane. he's insane he's insane he's insane he's insane let's do days and i'll shut up today thursday national smarties day
hey smarties um Hey, Smarties. I feel like that's all I ate when I was a kid.
Just the chalkiest whatever candy.
Are they still around?
Hey, on another episode of Who's Buying This, Smarties.
I was always eating those growing up.
How come that was the only thing that was given to us?
My cheap- ass teachers.
That is one thing you can do though, bro.
Kids will always respect you more if you give them candy.
Didn't even like Smarties.
Ate every single one of them.
Loved my teacher from then on.
It's the green one too.
It's the green one.
That green Smartie.
Change your entire life pumpkin seed day underrated seed i'm so glad i'm off seeds dude i was on sunflower seeds hard one time it i think it changed my voice
i was eating sunflower seeds so crazy one time like i I, I think I, I think I had a cough
for like two months just from sunflower seeds. When I was a kid, I thought you ate sunflower
seeds. I thought you ate the shell, man. Was I, am I an idiot? I would, we would get sunflower seeds at lunch.
Me, 12 years old.
One of those lunch trays with like the portioned areas.
One of them was just full of sunflower seeds.
Saw a girl do it.
So I was like, I'm doing it.
That's a good idea.
I kind of like sunflower seeds.
Never really, my parents never bought them for me. So I'm going to have them.
I was just eating them.
Swallowing the shells. swallowing the shells swallowing the shells my friend can you do that i think so i do it do it made him do it he did it
probably went to the hospital that's why my stomach's so strong that's why i have gird
so i was eating full sunflower seeds.
Bro, the way they'd come up too.
Just feel like I, I felt like I'd eat, I ate like 17
thumbtacks. Ah!
Pumpkin seeds, though.
You ever get a good batch of pumpkin seeds?
They're always in the nicest bowl.
They're kind of warm.
I'm like, who made these?
They're seasoned.
The crack of a pumpkin seed.
Ah!
That thing is just, that thing, fanging in there.
Pumpkin seeds are so good.
Fire roasted.
Can't eat them at any other time of the year, though.
You eating pumpkin seeds in February?
February.
Man, the things I do is some pumpkin seeds right now.
It's pumpkin seed time right now.
Friday.
Boyfriend day.
National boyfriend day, day, day, day, day.
Hey, how about, that's not a thing.
When in the history of the world has a boyfriend ever been like,
it's my day today.
Hey, let's do what I want today.
That's a computer.
If you have a boyfriend or you're in a relationship with anybody that's like,
boyfriend day, let's do this and that and that.
Hey, he's ai there's a computer chip in the back of his neck it's it's like basically your your birthday but every dude
on his birthday how about every dude on his birthday that has a girlfriend it's just the
girlfriend's birthday oh it's my birthday and i have a girlfriend i guess it's just your
birthday then it's the girl's birthday when it's your birthday in a relationship
she'll plan it you're doing it you can't say no hey even if it's not your girlfriend
having the girl that's like what are we doing for your birthday?
And you're like, why are you even
asking me? This is you,
girly.
You gotta
give it up to those people because they
care about you. But man,
it's happened to me a lot.
Well, just some
of the girl homies will just be like, we're going out
to eat at seven. And I'm like, okay.
And they're like, it's your birthday.
And I'm like, I don't care.
I don't know.
I'm an idiot though.
And I'll stay in my room for the rest of time.
So it's probably a good thing.
But man, if you got a girlfriend and it's your birthday,
it's her birthday.
She gets two birthdays.
Bro, you might be flying somewhere on your birthday. It's her birthday. She gets two birthdays, bro. You might, you might be flying somewhere on your birthday.
We're going to Orlando, Florida for your birthday.
I'm like, okay.
Yeah.
I mean, yo dudes on their birth.
That needs to be studied.
Maybe the girls need to be studied too, though.
Girls love their birthday guys.
Hey man, just give me like... Just give me some good food, like, low-key on the way somewhere.
Good enough for me.
So different.
Body language day.
body language day.
Honestly,
the 75% of the time I'm awake during the day is just me trying not to look like
a bitch.
Me trying,
me every day,
me trying not to look like I'm in a bad mood i wake up mad mad 24 hours i
wait mad everywhere i go kind of mad all i'm thinking in my head god damn it that's all i'm
every single day everywhere every time i'm in public don't be in the way put your shoulders
back don't have a double chin get out of the way don't be in the way. Put your shoulders back. Don't have a double chin.
Get out of the way.
Don't be annoying.
That's the only thing I'm thinking about.
I'm trying to fix my body language all day because my body language on default mode.
Say my body language default mode. You know, you know know i can describe it in one word a slouch
if i was unaware of my body language mouth always open shoulders drooped
every day just me trying to trying to have good posture. People with good posture, how?
How are you doing it? Did you go to the school Batman went to?
Were you trained by Rajah Ghul for two years to have good posture? just don't get it i've never really seen anyone with consistent
good posture yeah people have good posture like on date like i i don't want over the top good
posture i just want like nice posture but man those people with bad posture bro that is
that's something that that i'll never get over this girl
had bad posture one time in high school i was like i don't really like her i'll never she could
have fixed her posture a hundred percent but i'll always know her as posture i'm like her shoulders
i just don't like her shoulders they're always all ew bro hey come on let's get them back that's
posture brace i've talked about this before i bought a posture brace one time
don't don't do it it'll change your life it'll change your life like hard i bought a posture
brace got addicted to it started sleeping in it i want good posture that's when i was real corporate i didn't want to be i didn't
want to be mr sloucherson at my desk so i so i whipped on the posture brace shoulders back back
shoulders back like all right bro you think you're the who do you think you are like it
looks like i was always trying to like get in a fight with somebody.
Dude, my shoulders were back, like overcorrected.
Got addicted to it, man.
My shoulders were so back.
I felt like I could fly.
Day three with a posture brace on.
Thought I was the president.
Walking around at my corporate job.
Yeah.
CEO.
I thought I was growing wings and going to fly, dude.
I looked like I was doing the limbo everywhere.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. Had no idea people could see through my shirt and see the posture brace
saw the back of myself in a mirror and i was like it looks like i'm wearing a sports bra
i was just at work wearing a sports bra acting like I was the CEO, the president of the company.
I had so much confidence for no reason.
Posture brace.
The only reason I got laid off the next week.
I swear to God, though, I could fly in that thing.
I wore it when I was asleep.
You know, the struggle.
So uncomfortable, but I was like, it'll be worth it. It'll it'll be worth you know like people like i thought of it as like one of those ab machines
that like you you put on your your stomach and like makes your muscles like twitch and stuff
and gives you abs i guess i don't know is that a thing why isn't that a thing why aren't it must
not work but i thought it was like that i was like yo i sleep in this posture brace you know when people like i sleep with duolingo on
duolingo because i almost said duolipo right there i sleep with like rosetta stone on and
i learned spanish in my sleep i thought that was gonna do something like that so i put a posture
brace on went to sleep dude woke up like a maniac,
woke up, looked like the Joker, Joker too.
You know, when he's all like,
all like deformed and skinny me every day when I wake up.
Saturday, play outside day.
I don't know about you, but what is wrong with me
that I never really wanted to play outside
when I was a kid?
Is that most of us?
This is an introverted podcast, I think.
How are there extroverted people?
Not sure.
But I never wanted to go outside.
I never really wanted to make friends
with anybody outside. I was just wanted to make friends with anybody outside.
I was just like,
you guys are kind of like losers.
Thinks he's cooler than he is.
But honestly,
I'd see the people outside my neighborhood and I'd be like,
ew,
no,
you guys are annoying.
I can tell from like seeing you in your yard a long,
long ways away.
I'm like,
you're kind of annoying.
Just because they like looked
annoying i was like ew too skinny you're annoying
never saw anybody i wanted to hang i was like i just want to be inside i don't know inside was
everything for me people talk about how they're always outside growing up i didn't want to be
there yeah i'll go i'll play basketball and like throw the football around in the backyard a little bit.
But where I really want to be is just watching TV inside.
I think that's why I'm always inside now.
Want to play flag football, bro?
Want to be on my flag football team?
Dude, we should go golfing.
Hey, you want to come out?
It's her birthday.
We're all getting together.
Come out.
Oh, my God.
Don't be a stranger.
I just want to be inside forever.
And people asking me to do stuff makes me want to go less.
Dude, is there something wrong with me?
Is there something wrong with me is there something wrong with us
because i am so down to not do anything i gotta change my attitude i have to because i maybe it's
because i always was forced outside and forced to do things when i was a kid not just at my house
but like in sports always had to go here go there gotta practice practice every day every day every
day every day every day every day every day never want to do this maybe now that i'm not doing that
i'm just like yo i just want to chill god because while i was doing all this stuff outside like
like doing all this crazy i was always like yo think about the people that are just
chilling at their house right now. What are they doing?
Just eating macaroni, watching TV.
I want to do that.
Inside was so cool to me.
You guys have a basement?
Remember the first time you went in an OG, like, finished basement?
Dude, the first time. I went to my uncle's house,
lived in Cincinnati.
Already cool. Already so
cool.
Yeah, we got to look at that. They just finished
their basement. I was like, what does this even mean?
Walk
downstairs.
What?
Oh, you mean
they live in a mansion?
When you first walked in a finished basement as a kid,
you're just like, you can do this?
Carpet on the ground.
Every basement I've been in to this point,
the ground is negative 30 degrees.
It's ice.
Everything's dark.
You can hear squeaks and steps from upstairs i'm like this thing there's there's a clown in the corner of every room it's haunted cold wet
stuff dripping from the ceiling there's like a weird room with just a drain in it you're like
oh dude i want to go in the base you see a finished
basement as a kid oh yeah and over here is our movie theater big tv hey sunk into the wall. They cut a box out to put the TV in.
There's slots in the walls for DVD players.
This is when I was like five,
but I'm like,
there's a table in the corner to play cards.
I'm like,
I haven't even seen this in like the movies.
Hey, the first time you saw a big L couch, hey am i in ludicrous's house right now
oh i'm in this is i'm in ludicrous's house right now
walk out to the main room there's a big pool table
there's like a there's like a part of the there's part of the, there's part of the basement. That's just like a sink with cabinets.
I'm like,
what down here?
You guys have a sink.
And on the sink is just a huge glass jar of like candy.
Pool table.
Hey,
pictures on the wall.
Finished.
I'm like,
has anyone been down?
Have people been down here yet?
Oh yeah.
And over here,
that's our workout room.
There's just a section of the
basement with a door
that has a bow flex
in it and free weights.
We got video games, a pool table, a workout room, and probably an office with a cool computer. All the toys and games are in that closet. You have a bathroom and a sink down here.
And you think,
I want to go outside.
I'm never leaving your house, Uncle Dan.
You're going to have to drag me out of that basement.
Dude, the first finished basement you were in.
Oh my, there was a cool, like what?
How do you guys even, how do you even do this?
The video game being played here.
Whoa, man.
There's pizza rolls for some reason.
Oh, I just never even.
Is this a dream?
I don't want to leave.
Too good to be true.
Too good to be true.
You're getting a little like greedy.
You're getting a little caught up.
You're in the basement now.
Starts crying.
Of course I would.
Of course I got to sabotage it.
Starts crying.
You're not allowed in the basement anymore.
Basement will change everything for you.
You go into a nice basement, man.
You're whole.
Hey, the air conditioning down there.
Never been colder.
Oh, we're going.
We're watching it in the basement.
Hey.
Only grab a hoodie.
Get the blankets. Pop popcorn, snacks, candy.
Where are we?
And you think I want to go outside?
Good luck.
All right, that's it.
Oh, my God, man.
I can feel the air conditioning in a finished basement right now.
So cold.
So unbearable.
Just so you walk down A, it's hot outside.
You do something outside because the parents make you.
Play basketball outside.
Go outside.
It's so hot.
Come inside, go to the basement.
This is where I want to be.
This is where I should be.
Right here.
On a leather chair.
Calling the shots.
What should we do in a basement?
Walking around with a pool stick like you're a soldier.
Blue tip.
Playing pool like you know how.
But you know what you always end up doing when you're playing pool.
You just put the sticks away.
They got that rack on the wall.
And then you just start playing pool with your hands dude that's that's og finish
basement activity right there playing pool with your hands breaking the breaking the the diamond
you don't even have stripes or solids you're hitting them in you hit the white ball i don't
care about the white ball this is how i play pool then 30 years later you're actually asked to play before somebody and
you're like i only play with my hands if we're not in a finished basement i'm not playing pool sorry
a bar ew
i love you guys man thank you for sending in the voice messages austin text see you tonight can't wait
never been
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