Espresso - what's your guy/girl trait?

Episode Date: November 25, 2021

🔒 𝗷𝗼𝗶𝗻 𝗺𝘆 𝗽𝗮𝘁𝗿𝗲𝗼𝗻 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗲𝘅𝗰𝗹𝘂𝘀𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗽𝗼𝗱𝗰𝗮𝘀𝘁𝘀 𝙚𝙫𝙚𝙧𝙮 𝙬𝙚𝙚𝙠 (𝗼𝗻����𝘆 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗮𝗺) https://www.patreon.com/benedictpolizzi ♦️ 𝗦𝘂𝗯𝘀𝗰𝗿𝗶𝗯𝗲 𝗼𝗻 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗧𝘂𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗺𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗻𝘁𝗲𝗻𝘁! https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXRwNZpU67AK24r5QGfIfCw 🔹 𝙙𝙤𝙣'𝙩 𝙛𝙤𝙧𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙩𝙤 𝙧𝙖𝙩𝙚 & 𝙧𝙚𝙫𝙞𝙚𝙬 ;) on this episode Ben has Barstool Sports' @joeymulinaro on to answer the Espresso Question of the week: what's your girl trait? (like sitting like a straight up bitch) ben and joey break down the worst parts of thanksgiving, (joey gets a charlie horse at 15:33) they realize brett favre plays backyard football 100% of the day, they explain the proper way to drink wine at a dive bar and discuss how terrifying ben's dad is 🔸𝗦𝗲𝗻𝗱 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝗺𝗶𝗲 𝗮 𝗖𝗮𝗺𝗲𝗼 𝗳𝗿𝗼𝗺 𝗝𝗢𝗛𝗡𝗦𝗢𝗡: https://v.cameo.com/E48BXekQ29 🔹𝗧𝗶𝗸𝗧𝗼𝗸: https://www.tiktok.com/@benedictpolizzi?source=h5_m 🔸𝗜𝗻𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗴𝗿𝗮𝗺: https://www.instagram.com/benedictpolizzi/ 🔹𝗧𝘄𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿: https://twitter.com/benedictpolizzi

Espresso, shot 186. With my friend... Johnson, good to see ya. Schmitty here. Oh, God. We'll talk soon, but first I'd like to, uh... talk about a little bit of news. For 86 News, I am Johnson. And I'm Schmitty.

Quick fade. In Australia, a biblical plague of 50 million crabs shut down roads on their journey to breed in the ocean. I always trouble when there's crabs while breeding. Stay away from the crabs. It says here, this tradition is considered to be one of the greatest animal migrations on the planet. Johnson, you gotta think. Waiting for 50 million crabs to cross the road in front of your car on the way to work, that would have my blood boiling. Oh, God!

Don't start this, Benny. I cannot believe they shut down the roads and not the sidewalks. Oh, hey, 50 million crabs traveling at one time. I think if I were in that group, I'd be a tad claustrophobic. We cannot continue doing this. In all seriousness, all jokes aside, I mean, closing the roads and highways

to have sex in the ocean, I'd say that's pretty shellfish. My daughter loves those. She can't get enough. Johnson, you know what they said when they finally got to the ocean? They said, long time no see. For 86 News, I'm Schmitty.

And I am Johnson. So what's up? That didn't happen. What just happened? Yeah. What was that? I don't know. What's good, bro? We got Joey Molinaro on the pod.

Hey. At Joey Molinaro on all platforms. What's up? What's good? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's our time of the year, bro. Best week ever. Fakest week ever.

Yes. Well, up there. I did my annual releasing of the most fake weeks. Very express topic. Let's run it. So this is number two. This week is number two. The fakest week of the year.

Now, when you talk about fake weeks, you know, there's some people out there they're like what do you mean they still like it's still happening like I still have to go to work like it's real yeah once you like give them a little refresher on a fake wig what is that fake week is a week that's real but there's so many things going on that it's not true like you know the halt if there's a holiday in the middle of a week it's a fake week well anything on a Wednesday it's a wash see ya yeah exactly so this is number two this week because again Thursday is Thanksgiving yeah you know Wednesday a lot of people don't have Wednesday off but Wednesday it's like you're taking a two and a half hour lunch you're taking a two-and-a-half-hour lunch.

You're having, like, three beers during it. Even the boss comes. You're like, oh, wow, this is crazy. It's like a Friday during a school week when you're growing up. Friday's not a real day. You might have one test. The rest of the day, you're just kind of sweaty, and you have a longer recess. Just thinking about going to the high school football game that night.

Same thing. Like, touching a butt. A girl's butt. Kiss me under the bleachers. I never did that. Me either. I was always afraid I was going to get caught somehow. Plus, nobody wanted to kiss me. But this is number two.

Yeah, anyway. It's like three o'clock. Everybody's checking out early. Oh, you're traveling? Yeah, you got to head up to Chicago to see the in-laws. Chicago. So Monday, Tuesday, and even on Tuesday, it's like you're winding down on Tuesday evening when you're leaving work, and it's like, well, I mean, tomorrow doesn't really exist.

Our manager's taking us to beat-ups for two and a half hours. Yeah, like you're wearing something cool that next day. You have it planned. It's like feast week with college basketball. There'll be a TV on with Dickie V screaming at you at, like, 1 o'clock. You're like, this isn't real life. Hey, send an email. I'll get back to you after the holiday.

Have a great Thanksgiving. Gobble, gobble. So then number one, number one of the fake weeks is the week. I mean, this actually may not exist. I really don't think it does. The week in between Christmas and New Year's. Nobody knows where they are. Literally, like, dates and times do not exist in that week.

Everybody has that week off or takes that week off, right? Does anyone really work? If you're working, you're like, well, I'm only working because there's no one here. Exactly. There's nobody in the office. You can be in the office for like three hours, maybe. An hour of that is like watching TikToks. And you're like, yeah, I'm going to clock out for the day.

And nobody knows the difference because I think you're there for eight hours, which you weren't. Might actually be the week to work. Right, yeah. But at the same time, even if you are working, it's still fake. Yeah, that's a very fake week. And then three, four, and five, or five, four, and three. Five was high school spirit week for homecoming.

You know, it's like you're dressed up with different themes. Did you ever do that? Did I dress up? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like hardcore? No, I did. Come as you are today. I Did I dress up? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Like hardcore? No, I did. Come as you are today.

I think I was too cool, but then I got into it for a couple, but then I was too cool for the rest. Like if there's one I liked, I was like, oh, wow. Yeah. Head to Hobby Lobby with your sister and find some cool shit to round out the ensemble. That's fake because everybody's trying to get into school spirit, theme days you

know you got the dance that weekend like homecoming yeah yeah it's not a real thing yeah you know like weather's starting to turn like you're getting ice cream on like a wednesday after school with some chick that you're trying to you know hook up with like what's going on trying to kiss on it what uh and then four what did i say it? Oh, we can look it up right here. Damn. Shit. Why can I not think of this? I know three was like a bye week.

Three was bye week. Bye week meaning like what the... As in like football. Like it's your bye week. Like you don't know. You don't pay attention. Four. Here we go.

God hit me like a shit of bricks. Fourth of July week. Nice. That's it. Yep. That's it. We can Thanksgiving. Yeah.

Why did that one go wild? Is that the boy? I thought that would do better. That sucks. Anyways. Yeah, yeah. So most fake weeks. Five, high school spirit week.

Four, fourth of July week. Because that usually does not land on a weekend. And even if it does land on a weekend, it's like Friday you have off. Monday you have off. Again, leading up to those days, people are just like, oh, it's already basically, it's already basically, yeah. It's summer, dude. Work is so different in the summer than it is when it's cold.

Totally different thing. Yeah. And then we throw Fourth summer than it is when it's cold totally different thing yeah and then we throw fourth of july in there it's like that's the fake weeks right there i like that that west kid says name one productive thing that has happened at work during these weeks literally nothing i'm going home exactly the last week of school when you're growing up like middle school that's pretty that's that's really good that could be like that could be an honorable mention but like you know you're clean like half the week when the last week of school you're like cleaning your desk and shit remember we were like actually like cleaning the floors you're just like doing the work for the that the teachers are supposed to do stacking

books up in the back i'm like why are we doing this we're throwing all the english books away i was like all right right. It's just, the teachers are supposed to do it, but they don't want to. So they're like, yeah, we're not doing anything this last week. Here you go. Like a kid in my class would like walk around the school for the entire day.

Nobody would know where he was. He always had that kid. Chris, did you keep walking? Dude, I've walked the whole day. No one said anything to me. Now you'd like look out your window from the classroom and he's just like out there.

He's like at the playground. What are you guys doing? The teacher's like, whatever, dog. He's at the playground like standing on the slide. Like, what? He got outside? Nobody even cares anymore.

Nobody gives a shit. You look over and your teacher's at the other window because there's like three windows in this classroom. She's at the left window because there's like three windows in Wisconsin. She's at the left one. She's even like giggling a little. Don't come back in here.

You're the teacher. I like that. I like that a lot. Then you got like little events and shit too. You got field day that week. I don't know if other people had field day, but our field day, I trained for it. Field day ripped.

Field day was awesome. We had, like, we had the, you know, it was primed to be, like, fourth or fifth grade going into that because then you had, like, the chicks that were going to be the chicks. Chicks. The whole show about chicks. We kissed chicks. They're going to be in eighth grade, and, you know, they're the hot chicks. They're going to be in eighth grade, and they're the hot chicks.

The soon-to-be eighth graders are always the ones that are leading the shit. So you always want to be in the hot eighth graders group for the day. But you're like fourth grade. You're like fifth grade or fourth grade. Hoping one of them. Okay, I'm just not even going to. Let's just stop right there. Somebody calls services on me.

Get me out of here, Johnson. Jeez. Jeez, yucks. All right, let's go. Let's go question of the week. Espresso, quick, quick, quick, quick, quick. Question of the week. Sorry, that just fucking. Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick question of the week. Sorry.

That's just fucking. Okay. If you're a guy, what's your girl trait? If you're a girl, what's your guy trait? You got one? Or you want to hop in? See what the fam thinks. Hold on.

Yeah. Let me. So me as a guy. Yeah. What do you do? What is my girl? Okay. We're girls guys, man.

We are. Do you have one? I'm sitting like this. I'm like, I don't really have one. I like that hoodie, too. It's kind of girly. My girl trained my whole entire wardrobe. Whoops.

Tight pants, purple hoodie. Let's talk. Let me, let me, yeah, let's hear a few of these and maybe we can scatter my brain here a little bit. All right, let's go. Let's go to the first one. Creature of the moon. Looks like a girl. What's your guide?

We'll figure it out. Here we go. All right. moon looks like a girl what's your guide we'll figure it out here we go all right i'm leaving you a voice message back to your story you just posted um my guy trait my masculine trait is probably that i'm very career driven and assertive in my communication. Whoa. Yeah, very assertive in your communication. Holy shit. Was that a mouse? I was just about to say.

A mouse just leaving you a message there. Mini mouse. I'm very assertive. If you step over me while I'm talking, I will literally fucking stab you. I really like cheese. Could our girl trade be how much we love wine?

Yeah. I think that's it, dude. Like, I just crave wine. Nobody else likes it like we like it, man. Dude, that's my... It's a go-to drink of literally...

Bar wine. How many people have been like, you're drinking wine here? I'm like, fuck yeah. Dude, when I found out that Brothers Bar has Brothers Bar, you can get wine and they serve it in a little glass that you can do this little thing where you have the stem in between your set of fingers. I'm a totally different person with this.

Wine always tastes good. It always makes you feel good. It makes you look cool. When I have a beer, I'm like, what's up? When I have wine, I'm like, so how was your day? Yeah, exactly. That's a big difference. It may be subtle, you think, but it's big.

Yeah, dude, you got to go wine. I think that's probably it. It's just how much I'm just a bitch for wine. Straight up. Straight up bitch. Let's keep going. Let's get straight up bitches. I'm so assertive.

Oh, God. That was funny. Okay. Clay J. Seal. What's your girl trait? My girl trait is pumpkin spice is life.

Everything. The coffee. The candles. Is life. That's another one of those. You got shave soap. On and on and Everything. The coffee. The candles. It's life. That's another one of those. You got shave soap. On and on and on. Pumpkin spice. It means the world to me. Wow.

Man, that guy really thought he was creating some comedy gold there. With the pauses, yeah. He was in. He was in. And just like the fact that it's like, okay, yeah, obviously, you know, the whole pumpkin spice thing. You get it. It's good, okay, yeah, obviously, you know, the whole pumpkin spice thing. You get it. It's good, though.

Do you like it? Yeah. I love PSL. Yeah, it's fire. It's fire. Actually, for some reason, I don't think they were as good this year as they have been in the past. They seem a little burnt to you. It was too much of, I don't know, nutmeg or ginger.

I don't know. It was just too much of one thing. It was a little bitter. I felt it was a little bitter. A little thick, too. A little thick. Too much milk. I don't know what they... Nutmeg or ginger? I don't know. It was just too much of one thing. It was a little bitter. I felt it was a little bitter. A little thick, too. A little thick. Too much milk? I don't know.

All right, Clay. I did see pumpkin spice ramen noodles and stuff. And by the way, how do you say ramen noodles? Like that or like ramen? Like everybody loves ramen noodles? I've heard it so many times. You can't be serious. You think that's a name?

Dude, that's ridiculous. No, it's clearly ramen. Ben, watch your mic right there. Oh, my B, my B. Okay, let's keep going. Coming up next, what's your girl trait, Colton Dover? Bro, my girl trait has to be when I fucking, when I'm sitting down and I cross my legs

and it looks like I have a vagina and I cross my, it's just, I do it instinctively, but it's such a girl trait and everyone calls me out on it. And like, dude, you look so fucking, yeah, it's bad. That one was good. I like that guy. He's cool. That was funny. Colton Dover. He's cool. That was funny. Colton Dover.

Yeah, I mean, that's a good, like, I sit like that. You turn a certain age, and that's the way you sit from now on. No going back. Cross legs. It's just me crossing my legs with a fucking glass of wine. Nothing feels better. Your hips feel good. Yeah.

No, I'm with you. Because when I do the guy cross leg, when you're doing the chair, you know what I mean? Go ahead. When you're doing one of these, I can't... You know what I'm saying. Charlie horse!

Are you serious? Kicking up. You need a banana? Stretch it out. You handled that. I'd be banging on the windows and shit. All right, all right. It's going to pass.

It's going to pass. It's going to pass. Oh, man. You know when you get a charley horse like that, and you think it's going to pass, and then all of a sudden it just comes back to you in words? It's like, ah, gotcha, bitch. Yeah, you go right back to where you were,

and you're like, oh! Shit. What? Got to drink more water. But yeah, see, that's a perfect example. When you're trying, oh! Shit. What? Gotta drink more water. But yeah, see, that's a perfect example. When you're trying

to do the chair, the guide chair cross leg, then you get Charlie horses and shit. But if you just a nice little casual... You can't drink wine with two feet

on the ground. No. Absolutely. You can't drink wine with two feet on the ground. One's gotta be up. You can't drink wine like this. What the fuck am I's got to be up. You can't drink wine like this. What the fuck am I doing?

You could even do like Ben. You could do like the foot under the ass. You could sit on the foot drinking the wine. There it is. Ideal right here with a glass of wine. Give me one right now. Let's keep going. Mr. Cars-on-VV. Mr. Cars-on-VV.

Mr. Cars-on-V, what's your girl or guy trait? My girl trait would definitely be the fact that I can manicure my eyebrows much better than any of these bitches out there. As a matter of fact, any random girls that I have come over and I see their eyebrows are a little bit out of whack, I'll sit them down in my zero-gravity chair, lean them back, and I'll shave that shit up. Matthew McConaughey, bro.

And I do them justice. So when they leave my house, they feel good. Matthew McConaughey on the set of Interstellar Our own fleek Announce What's that Wow Matthew McConaughey

Go longer On the set of Interstellar Right there Music in the back and everything He could have talked for another hour And we just would have kept doing the show That was good though No that's true

I do the same thing I wake up every morning and pluck these joints. You see, that's, you know, with the blonde eyebrows, it's not something to have to worry about really at all, so I'm lucky there. That's my first concern. Yeah. I mean, you do a good job.

Thanks, Kevin. I appreciate it. Nice and kept. Yeah, good shit. No, that's real. A lot of dudes don't do that. Here we go. Sarah Lindsey, what's your guy trait so i'm a girl and i can't tell this guy trait that i have is taking toothpicks

from restaurants holy shit and looking like freaking ro Robert De Niro walking around. I like that. That's a really, that's a good one. Because, yeah, it's like a weird instinctively like guy thing that like you want to make sure your teeth are cleaned out. But then also. The caveman act of just picking your teeth, kicking out of your teeth and shit. Pretty gross. Very gross. But the coolness outweighs.

It's something that you just come out, and it's like instinctively you're a one-and-a-half-year-old dude, little guy, and you just want to have a toothpick out of the corner of your mouth. I don't know if it's just because cartoons. It's always old-ass guys at the restaurant. It's always like a seven-year-old guy is like, you got the big tooth.

I'm like, damn. But it's like, you know, it's always like a seven-year-old guy's like you got the big i'm like damn but it's like you know it's just hanging there and it's kind of like you know you're doing a little bit of the cool mouth shit and yeah you're looking like de niro it's okay p diddy get the fucking tenderloin out of your lip yeah that's right all right let's keep going aaron, what's your guy trait? I've got two ways that as a female, I do think as a guy. One is I have a tendency to fall asleep with my hands

in my pants, which is such a dude thing to do. And two, I have a dick. And number two is I get super excited like a puppy any time a football or a basketball is being tossed around, which might just have been working on Wall Street with a bunch of bros, but also a really dude thing to get excited about. Wow.

So subtle brag about working on Wall Street. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Snuck that one in there. Did not have to throw that in. And by the way, did I mention that I work on Wall Street and that's why? No, but girls sleeping with hands down their pants is funny. Yeah. That's a thing.

It's very. And again, I think it's just like instinctively. And as you get older as a man, I feel like it just happens. All of a sudden, I'm not even controlling it. Just like they're just down there. And I'm on the couch kicked back. I'm like, what the hell is going on? Thanksgiving in front of your whole family.

One hand down. Right hand's in. Oh, yeah, dude. Right hand. Always right hand. Two hands is like... Are you Brett Favre? Are you playing football? What's going on? He would. Brett Favre would run down the field

with his hands on his fucking pants. Come out of the tunnel at Lambeau, negative 20. Oh, shit, bro. Just wild. How much do you not give a shit on national TV with your hands there? Jesus, dude. Quarterback. Yeah, just like touching the ball in literally every play.

Never having gloves on. Hot, hot, hot. Never his chin strapped, too. He'd throw it and be like. After every throw. Brett Favre. You hate it that much. Brett Favre's a cock, dude.

Let's just call it what it is. He's somewhere playing a game of pickup football right now. Dude, no one... He's wearing Wrangler jeans. No one is more Turkey Bowl on Thanksgiving than Brett fucking Favre. He'd light it up, too. Oh, my God, dude.

You'd throw a 90-mile-an-hour poster at your uncle. Right in the chest, give him a heart attack. Should have caught it. Just shooting a Wrangler commercial in his backyard on Thanksgiving Day. 15 copper sleeves on. Whole family's like, Brent, the fuck? You don't have a family, Brent? Family football.

Dude, yeah. I mean, that is turkey bowl, Brett Favre. The most backyard football guy ever. All right, here we go. Sarah Heckman. What's your guy trait? My guy trait is telling dudes that don't make me come that they have blue-beamed me and that it's going to hurt for the rest of the night

until they get me off. Is that a thing? For girls? What? Blue bean? It's a joke on blue balls. Some girls think blue balls isn't a thing and that's a thing.

Yeah. It's been a minute. Apparently it is. Alright, blue beans. Good luck, bro don't. It's been a minute, huh? Apparently it is. Apparently it is. All right, blue beans. Good luck, bro. Take care of yourself. Every guy listening to this is like, not trying to sleep with Sarah Heckman now. That's a lot of pressure there.

J. Mattson, 21. What's your girl trait? Hey, Ben. For me, I don't mind getting my photo taken. And when I do get my photo taken, I'll be the first to say, hey, can I see it? I don't know. For some reason, I'm just really into seeing how I look in the current moment. Kind of girly, but whatev.

I think whatev is the girl trait. Are you saying whatev? Hey, you gave us two. Thanks. Whatev. For me? Now, if he did that on purpose as a girl trait note, then very funny. But if not, that was your girl trait, my guy.

No, that's a real thing. Everybody does that, right? And when you look at it, when you take a group picture and you look at the whole picture like you're looking at anyone but yourself. You know? How's it look? Let me see. Oh, you guys look good.

You're looking right at your goddamn face and your eye goes... As long as I look good, fuck it, post it. Everybody else can have their fucking eyes closed. You guys look good! Fucking snot going... Oh, my God!

The group picture, you guys look so good! They'd be posting it for him. Yeah, let me post it. Come here, give me your phone. Give me your. You guys look so good. They be posting it for him. Let me post it. Come here. Give me your phone. Give me your phone. Give me your phone.

I think it's more, hey, I think it's more like in a weird way, it's like a backwards reverse thing about like if a dude doesn't care, if he goes over the top to show that he doesn't care how he looks, I'm like, come on. You know? Give it up. Stop with the act. he doesn't care how he looks. I'm like, come on. You know? Give it up, dude. Stop with the act. I don't care, bro.

Get out of your Brett Favre jeans and your fucking Wrangler boots and just shut up. Yeah. All right. Travis James, 0789. What's your girl trait? So the thing I do that might be considered a girl thing is whenever i have to take a piss i always sit down unless it is a public place and it place is really

nasty or something like that but otherwise you know why spend all the energy trying to aim just right you know getting whatever spraying all of this underwater just sit you're relaxed you know everything is just at peace you know if you have to fart you fart you know what is it you know so that's what i do i sit when i piss all right i need more explanation what did he sounded like you know you're in a pool and you throw an inner tube over your head and you're just inside the inner tube. It sounded like he was doing that recording.

Also, why did he get more Italian as it went on? Bro, he started This is what I do. It's a spicy meatball. Thank you. He started out just like what I do is I sit when I'm pissed. And by the end, he was just like, that's what I do.

You got a problem with it, you talk to my cousin, Manny. Might be upside down. Good night, everybody. Why did he start Italian, man? Run it back, run it back. Let's listen to that. So the thing I do that might be considered a girl thing is whenever I have to take a piss, I always sit down.

Slowly transitioning. Place is really nasty. He's putting on a suit. Why spend all the energy? Dude, just put a gold chain on. Just put a gold chain on. Hey. Spraying all over the seat, the floor.

Dude. Sit, you'll relax. He's twirling spaghetti. He's just at peace. He's kissing his cousins. You know, what is it? You know, that's what I do. That's what I do.

Pulls the back up. All right. You got a problem with that? Go talk to Tony. That's what I do. You sit when I piss. That's what I do, my own. Go talk to Tony. That's what I do. You sit with that fist. That's what I do, my own. Go talk to Tony. That was so funny,

Travis. Why are you telling me? Travis James' name. Have we got any more? No, that's all we got. That's all we got, bro. Good round. People came up with some good ones. No, that was really good shit. Thank you, Espresso fam. All right.

It's time to go viral. Viral. Viral. Viral. Viral. Well, apparently, I've never been on live television before. Totals. Totals.

Totals. Totals. But first, the Espresso podcast is brought to you by Wave 1 Media. If you want to start your own show, show, show, visit thewave1.com. Dot com. All right. Hashtag unusual Thanksgiving celebrations. Your fam doing anything crazy?

You guys break the wishbone? Dude, I think that's... Does anybody really do that? Fuck no. Yeah, my family does. Me and my uncle over here. A picture. No, dude.

Nobody fucking does that. I got it last year, Unc. His eyes are crossed. You look good. You post it. Oh, yeah. You look good you post it oh yeah you look good hunk he's fucking his dude nothing's funnier when you take a picture of somebody and their eyes are fucking closed bro why is that so they look so helpless hey they're like their whole face is like ready to roll but their eyes are like oh shit hey oh shit hey how much does your dad hate Thanksgiving?

Not even going this year. He's like retired. He's like, I've done any of them. Dude. He's like, why do I need to see them? Oh, my God. He hates it. He hates everything, bro. Your dad is terrifying to me.

Me, too. You're like, saw your dad the other day. I was scared to talk to him. I was like, trust me. I've been going through it the last 30 years. Your dad goes to Thanksgiving, gets there, he stands around for a little bit. He doesn't like it, and you leave. Dude, one year.

This is hilarious. He tries to leave. Dude, one one year he just sat on the steps for two hours like he's a kid who didn't get the pinata broken it's the worst bro we got in the car and left my sister's ripped his ass they're like the steps i was like i gotta go the steps this? My dad's the guy that, like, stands around. Oh, shit. Like, if I had a basketball game when I was in, like, fourth grade and shit, he would not. He'd be, like, by the concession stand. I don't think I've ever seen your dad sit. I think we went to Starbucks, and he was just, like, kind of hovering around the table.

In a movie theater, he's in the back. Just always a coach mode, bro. Yeah. Just fucking. A little whistle. Oh, my God. The steps, dude. Let's get going.

People going up the stairs to their seat. Dude, people are going by him on the steps. They're like, Joe, Joe. He's like. Just pouting. 60-year-old man. My dad eats last like once everybody's done like don't sit at the table with them oh yeah dude like everybody'll get their food i'm like you going every year i'll just do because i know he eats less but i'm like come on let's get something he's like

he waits for like an hour and a half later and then he's in the kitchen like he don't you know what it is? He don't want the small talk While you're waiting in line for the food So what are you going for, Joe? That's his worst question I might try the turkey Uncle Joe, yeah

It is pretty awful though, that fucking line I hate that Your fingers are just hitting the back of the plate Because you don't know what else to do Just doing one of these Bad noise Yeah Hey where is the trash can

Why is the trash can Always in the weirdest spot Oh bro Like why would you ever Have a trash can In a Like a drawer Right

It's like I feel like people who Yeah who get houses They're like Let's see if they can find it Like it'll be a fun little game Checking all their Fucking pots and pans,

all their weird shit in their cabinets. Where's the fucking trash can? Every house that hosts Thanksgiving, like, they have just a complete pantry. It's like they're having their own canned food drive. Like, why do you have all of these? How many corns do you need, Becky? Isn't today the day to use these?

Why are these still here? They're just showing off, dude. People that host their own Thanksgiving are just showing off. Oh, you need a pot? Go to the refrigerator in the bonus room. My son will take you over there.

Fuck out of here. Just give me a seven up. I hate, um, I hate Thanksgivings where, like, it's probably pretty much all of them. But, like, when you have to set up a fucking table, like, in the middle of the living room. Yeah. Yeah. You gotta, like, slide the thing down so it, like, locks into place. No.

The amount of time, oh, you don it locks into place. Not to leave. I'm talking about you set one of those white tables. Oh, yeah, I know. You set them up, and you have to put it right in the middle of the fucking living room. I'm like, we couldn't have done this in the garage or something. So awkward right in the middle. Now I got to watch the fucking Lions game. Exactly. It's the Lions getting beat 38 7 every year you're just like doing this because your cousin that like

hates football of course has their back to it you know and it's just like oh sorry sports forgot i'm like yeah wanted to watch a little football table so cold like that you can you can feel like the texture on top of it yeah that table's a bitch to set up. Such a little bitch-ass cloth over it, too. You're not even trying. One of those plastic ones. There's slack hanging down the side.

You poke your finger through it. Yeah. Not even trying. Get a real tablecloth. God, the cousin that doesn't like football and makes a big deal that football's on on Thanksgiving. Makes it awkward for everybody. Even if he doesn't say anything about football,

you're like, oh, shit, we can't watch football around him. Right, they'll sit with their back to the TV right in front of the TV. And they'll make it a big thing. Playing a card game right in front of the TV. Playing fucking games, dude. Oh, I'm sorry, am I in front? Yeah, no, you are.

I'm not going this year. I'm watching the fucking Lions anyway. That game is such a watch. It is, but it's just part of it. Go sit in the bonus room and do your shit. Don't sit directly in front of the TV. Bonus room.

Hashtag. No, this is good, bro. do your shit. Don't sit directly in front of the TV. That's true. Yeah. Hashtag. No, this is good, bro. I like making fun of Thanksgiving on Thanksgiving. That's all I can do. That's what we're here for. Fake Thanksgiving dinner facts. That's my dad's shit, dude.

Like what? Your dad's the most interesting person to me. Yeah, he'll just make, because he knows people like you will hang on his every to me Yeah he'll just make Because he knows people like you Will hang on his every word So he'll just make shit up I will He'll just be like

Did you know? Yes He did this and then the president Said that he was not allowed back And you're like I'm always like no way And you're like shut the fuck up dad I was gonna look at your dad after everything he says Then I look at you and you're like i'm always like no way and you're like shut the fuck up dad i was gonna look at your dad after everything he says then i look at you and you're like

he's like i i'm just i'm i'm just saying i'm just saying thanksgiving the biggest i'm just saying holiday ever like nothing if you say i'm just saying after what you said, like it just doesn't matter. Like it just takes over the fact of whatever. You could say the most like arrogant shit ever. Rude as hell. I'm just saying. Your mom's a bitch. I'm just saying.

Hands up. No one's ever said I'm just saying without, like they're like, you know, putting their hands up for the cops. No offense. Hey, just saying. Hey, this is no offense. And this is I'm just saying.

There's levels to that. I do. No offense. I'm just saying. Hey, maybe. This is some Seinfeld shit. Can't you see? It just keeps going up in the conversation.

All right. Yeah. Let's do some days, bro. All right. Da-da-da-da. Days of the week. Yeah. Let's do some days, bro. All right. Da-da-da-da. Days of the week. Thursday. Is this right?

Yeah. Why isn't Thanksgiving on there? We'll never know. National Stuffing Day. What's my favorite side? Yes, dude. Stuffing has really, I mean, when you're a kid, you look at stuffing, you're like, ugh, what is that? Who threw up?

Yeah, exactly. But then when you get older, it's like, give me all the bread. It's literally 15 kinds of bread that are kind of croutons a little bit with some celery in there somehow and some weird spices. It's not even celery. Yeah, there is that crunchy little weird spices it's not even celery it's like yeah there's that like crunchy little maybe this celery but there's like the no there's celery there's that shit they put on like loaded fries the little green little tiny green chai crunchy circle things I don't know stuff it

there we go yeah yeah this is gonna be the most fucking mom cookbook ass website at Chrissy Teigen. This is a lot. Me and John started making stuff. Oh, wow. Yeah. Put some gravy on. Pour some gravy on me.

I got another confession. Doing jokes people don't know. Okay. It's an inside joke podcast. Listen to all 185 episodes and catch up. See, maybe I'm not... You know, to each their own. Everybody kind of has their own. I was waiting for you to go back up to the pictures.

I was like, come on, bro. Oh, you want us to read the ingredients. Barley? Saquon barley? Shut the fuck up, Dad. I don't know what they are, but stuffing is straight up so good. Unless it's from

inside the turkey. That's some weird shit, dude. Scoop it out of the turkey's rib cage. Literally, it's innards. It's shit. Bro, what is that? Cook it inside.

Do the big thing of stuffing, but then you have just a light drizzle of gravy. We're not talking you're dousing it in gravy. You do a little drizzle of gravy over it. That's like an older person move. It's just slopping it with gravy. So salty, so tasty. That's good shit right there. Yeah.

You put gravy on your whole. Pretty much now yeah i mean like you get the turkey you get the mashed potatoes you get the stuffing yeah again fucking green beans i mean what's gravy gonna hurt green beans that's not hey it's all going down the same pipe i fucking hate when people say that hey try try choking on your drink yeah you ever you ever, like, drink something and you cough? Try to not say,

went down the wrong pipe. Dude. Is it a mandatory law? Went down the wrong pipe. Everybody. No, not even went down. It's just, wrong pipe.

How many goddamn pipes you got? Just wrong just... Wrong pipe. Just wrong pipe, dude. How many goddamn pipes you got? Just wrong pipe. Wrong pipe. And immediately I'm going to be a third grade girl. Go on. Go on. Went down the wrong pipe. That one chick that's like really...

I'm very confident, but I'm very sure It went in the ring paint Doesn't finish any words either Friday National Cranberry Relish Day Hold on What is it? Cranberry Relish Pick one

I do like cranberries Or relish I don't know if I do like cranberries Too many seeds Don't know. Or relish. I don't know if I do like cranberries. There's too many seeds. Don't know much about relish. Besides the green stuff that you put on a hot dog. Are they pickles? I don't know.

I think it's chopped up pickles. I don't want to know what the juice is in relish, though. Yeah. I will mess with some relish. I don't know about cranberry relish. I don't really mess with cranberry too much. I like cranberry juice. Yeah, it's nice.

I only put cranberries on my plate on Thanksgiving just because it's a different color. It's not tan like every other fucking piece of food on my plate. I'll throw this in there. That's why it's great to give like... You ever have like cherry cobbler? Dude, cherry. Oh, mama.

That's a different... That is, yeah. It's a different type of dessert. It's in a different That is, yeah Give me Different type of dessert That's in a different category Here we go Hot ass cherry cobbler A little scoop of vanilla ice cream And a glass of red wine

Slap my ass I mean, that'd be That'd be pretty good That dude's out the window He's like, I'm a pumpkin pie guy He's like, I'm coming to slap it Yeah, that would be fire Here we go, Saturday window. He's like, I'm a pumpkin pie guy. He's like, I'm going to slap it. Yeah, that would be fire.

Here we go. Saturday. Espresso day. Wow. Okay. Happy Espresso day. Nice. A sauce, baby. Saturday. Cashew day. Thanksgiving really not a big nut holiday. I always get cashews and which one are cashews again?

Cashews are the ones that look like... Like really salty, right? Like they're like... I guess they can be. Like your grandparents always had. Oh, yeah. It's a big older. All of them.

They're softer. It's like one of those things that like an older guy like does this with his hand. Turn 60. Guess what I'm doing with everything. Oh, I'm married? Has the cashews. It does this with them. It's hard not to.

He doesn't take one or anything like that. He goes like this. No, but it's actually like this. You make the cup. Oh. Oh. That's when you're finishing them. Yeah, there you go. It's always hilarious. That's when you're finishing them. Yeah, there you go.

It's always hilarious. That's when you're finishing. There you go. That's nice. Right, guy? The finisher. I don't know. I think cashews.

They look like a C almost. They're like this. Yeah. Cashews are one of the, they're kind of like Fritos. Like the first six of them are like, fuck, these are so good. And then the seventh one, I'm like, I don't want them anymore. Time to throw up. Fritos in general, bro.

Are Fritos extinct yet? I hope not. I love Fritos. I know, but like you said, man. Like, who's getting Fritos in a vending machine? Are you? Right now. You can't have just that many corn chips in a row.

Fritos are in every vending machine. If you're having just straight up Fritos, literally, it's like six. Torture. But the first six are like so phenomenally crunchy and salty and good. Seventh one, you're like, why am I eating crunchy corn? Hate it. They're so bad. Somebody was just like, yo, anybody have any chili?

Put it in his bag. God damn. Seriously. Yeah. If you're eating more than six Fritos, it has to be a walking taco, has to be some queso in there, has to be any other dip. It's really just chili and queso. What else are Fritos involved with?

I feel like you get the Fritos scoops that you can have with like the... Salsa. You can work that in. You can probably do salsa. I feel like they would make the chip really soggy. I don't know. I don't know. I guess you could do it.

I don't know. Frito talk. Sunday. Tie one on day. I don't know. What is that? You're tying the knot? Tie one on day.

I don't know. It just made me think of how I still can't tie a tie. Whoops. National jukebox Day. Anybody a juke? Sorry. Hero. Jukebox.

Do you ever go to a little bar or something? They have one of those touch tunes machines in the corner, and you just spend $200 on it for no reason? You need to go there. You always got to have the friends that do that, because you're right. You can't be walking out of there with a $75 bar tab and then also on top of that a quick $30 from TouchTunes.

Probably more than that because you want to skip. You want to get to the front of the line. And then you get into a skip off with other people that are like, all respect to Kesha, but you don't want to hear that for the third time in a row. I'm that guy, for sure. I'll bust $100 on touchstones. Like, when you're at a place, you're like, I don't really like this place,

but they have touchstones, you can make it fun just by that. Yep. Yeah. And you can also guess people. Like, I know she's playing that song. Ask her if she's playing that song. I'm not playing that song. Let me see your phone.

Yeah, for sure. You're right. Go table by table. You know who they are, what they are, what they're about. Man, you already hate them. Already. All right, bro. It's a wrap.

Nice. Shot 186. Wow, that's a lot. Espresso pod. Been a long time. With the OG. Yeah. Joey Mol a lot. Espresso pod. Been a long time. With the OG. Yeah. Joey Molinaro.

Happy Thanksgiving to everybody. Hope it's a great holiday. Hopefully Coach P doesn't pout on the stairs this year. He won't even be there, bro. Trust me. He'll have one hand in his pants watching NFL Network. With Brett Favre. It's Lions play, so he's got to get the fire going. Who won the Toinkas?

Can't say Cointas without saying Toinkas first. All right, y'all. Talk to you guys next week. I think.